Newbie in limbo after wife's infidelity - 06/20/17 11:40 AM
Hello everyone. I’m new here, only just recently discovered this site via another forum. I’ve been lurking and reading a bit here lately. It seems like this would be a good place to tell my story and to get some advice to help me with my current situation.
My wife and I are in our mid 30s and will have been married 12 years later this year (together about 15 years). We have three kids young kids, a house, 2 cars etc
About 8 months ago my wife came up to me and told me that she didn't think we should be together anymore. That something was missing and we were just like flatmates. This of course came out of nowhere for me. I was absolutely shocked and lost for words. I got the ILYBNILWY when I asked her if she still loved me. I didn't know what had just happened. My world had just been turned upside down.
Having found Sandi2’s Reflections thread today, I’ve realised everything I have done up until this point has been a typical “Nice-Guy” approach, so bare with me.
My W could never tell me exactly what went wrong and didn't seem to want to try and fix the MR. I wanted to try everything there was to save the MR but she was never interested, instead saying that it wouldn't change anything, she can't change the way she feels. Eventually she asked for some space so I moved out to my parents place.
After about a week I moved back home, into the spare bedroom, but we were separated. We tried talking about things numerous times. Every Time it was the same thing. I wanted to try everything to try and fix our MR, she did not. It wouldn't change anything she said. Which confused the hell out of me. Why wouldn't she want to try fix our MR after 15 years together?!?! It confused my family and friends as well. This went on for a few weeks and I gradually started to come to terms with the fact that she wasn't going to change her mind..
One day as I get home from work she seemed a bit different, like something was on her mind and asks if we can talk. This is where the BD happened. She had been having a PA ever since that afternoon when she told me that we shouldn't be together anymore. To make it worse, the AP was a “friend” in the street, who was also married. She had lied to me and our closest friends about everything.
Between that moment and now it’s been a bit of a roller coaster for me. We have stayed together and tried to work through things. Most of the time I would say that our MR has been the best it has ever been! The PA is definitely over, there is no contact between them anymore, but recently I feel that in her head the EA is still going on. My W has only been to a few counselling sessions, only one of those was a joint one. We have had plenty of discussions where I have to work hard to get her to open up. She says she doesn't like to talk to me about it since she hates seeing how much it upsets me. “It” being the fact that she doesn't feel anything for me. She says she loves how much I have changed, how I am with the kids, how I am with helping around the house etc, she just doesn't have any intimate feelings for me anymore. The last time I heard this was about a week ago. As usual, I thought things were going great before talking to her. But this time it got me thinking. I’m really starting to question why I am still in this MR. I’m getting nothing out of it while she is getting everything she wants out of it. What am i doing here if she is emotionally in love with someone/something else??
I realise now that I have handled this whole situation wrong. I have been the “nice-guy” the whole time. I read a lot of books and turned myself into the model husband. (This wasn't entirely just for my W or the MR, I also wanted to change for myself to be a better father to my kids). I do still love her and want to save our MR, but I can't go on living in this “limbo” while she makes up her mind. I can't go on waiting while she feels nothing for me and IMHO, is still having an emotional affair. I need to gain the upper hand back.
The last chat we had she said she needs space. We currently aren't “separated”, but there is no intimacy between us anymore. She is going to go and talk to someone again and try and sort her head out. She is worried about making a big mistake and losing me. Everyone is telling her that I am a great guy and that she should stay together with me. She is worried about losing a lot of friends. We have only told a few close friends and family about the PA, and should it come out, naturally, everyone would take my side. I don't want to punish or get vengeance on my W, I’ve forgiven her and want to move forward, but I don't think she has really had to deal with any of the consequences of her actions yet. That is probably mostly my fault.
As I’m writing this I am, for the first time, considering going home tonight and telling her it's over. I’m not going to live in limbo while she is emotionally somewhere else. Is that what I need to do? I don't know. This whole situation [censored]. Its exhausting. I’m mentally drained everyday from thinking about this. I’ve read Sandi2’s rules/180 and am trying to implement that. I’m finding it hard to do since we aren't technically “separated” atm. My W is quite normal around me. Happy, talks about the future, calls, messages throughout the day etc. And I cling to every little bit of hope.
I hope that all makes sense. Confused and scared about what to do from here. I’m definitely going to start on some of Michelle’s books. Is it best to start on her latest? Healing from Infidelity??
My wife and I are in our mid 30s and will have been married 12 years later this year (together about 15 years). We have three kids young kids, a house, 2 cars etc
About 8 months ago my wife came up to me and told me that she didn't think we should be together anymore. That something was missing and we were just like flatmates. This of course came out of nowhere for me. I was absolutely shocked and lost for words. I got the ILYBNILWY when I asked her if she still loved me. I didn't know what had just happened. My world had just been turned upside down.
Having found Sandi2’s Reflections thread today, I’ve realised everything I have done up until this point has been a typical “Nice-Guy” approach, so bare with me.
My W could never tell me exactly what went wrong and didn't seem to want to try and fix the MR. I wanted to try everything there was to save the MR but she was never interested, instead saying that it wouldn't change anything, she can't change the way she feels. Eventually she asked for some space so I moved out to my parents place.
After about a week I moved back home, into the spare bedroom, but we were separated. We tried talking about things numerous times. Every Time it was the same thing. I wanted to try everything to try and fix our MR, she did not. It wouldn't change anything she said. Which confused the hell out of me. Why wouldn't she want to try fix our MR after 15 years together?!?! It confused my family and friends as well. This went on for a few weeks and I gradually started to come to terms with the fact that she wasn't going to change her mind..
One day as I get home from work she seemed a bit different, like something was on her mind and asks if we can talk. This is where the BD happened. She had been having a PA ever since that afternoon when she told me that we shouldn't be together anymore. To make it worse, the AP was a “friend” in the street, who was also married. She had lied to me and our closest friends about everything.
Between that moment and now it’s been a bit of a roller coaster for me. We have stayed together and tried to work through things. Most of the time I would say that our MR has been the best it has ever been! The PA is definitely over, there is no contact between them anymore, but recently I feel that in her head the EA is still going on. My W has only been to a few counselling sessions, only one of those was a joint one. We have had plenty of discussions where I have to work hard to get her to open up. She says she doesn't like to talk to me about it since she hates seeing how much it upsets me. “It” being the fact that she doesn't feel anything for me. She says she loves how much I have changed, how I am with the kids, how I am with helping around the house etc, she just doesn't have any intimate feelings for me anymore. The last time I heard this was about a week ago. As usual, I thought things were going great before talking to her. But this time it got me thinking. I’m really starting to question why I am still in this MR. I’m getting nothing out of it while she is getting everything she wants out of it. What am i doing here if she is emotionally in love with someone/something else??
I realise now that I have handled this whole situation wrong. I have been the “nice-guy” the whole time. I read a lot of books and turned myself into the model husband. (This wasn't entirely just for my W or the MR, I also wanted to change for myself to be a better father to my kids). I do still love her and want to save our MR, but I can't go on living in this “limbo” while she makes up her mind. I can't go on waiting while she feels nothing for me and IMHO, is still having an emotional affair. I need to gain the upper hand back.
The last chat we had she said she needs space. We currently aren't “separated”, but there is no intimacy between us anymore. She is going to go and talk to someone again and try and sort her head out. She is worried about making a big mistake and losing me. Everyone is telling her that I am a great guy and that she should stay together with me. She is worried about losing a lot of friends. We have only told a few close friends and family about the PA, and should it come out, naturally, everyone would take my side. I don't want to punish or get vengeance on my W, I’ve forgiven her and want to move forward, but I don't think she has really had to deal with any of the consequences of her actions yet. That is probably mostly my fault.
As I’m writing this I am, for the first time, considering going home tonight and telling her it's over. I’m not going to live in limbo while she is emotionally somewhere else. Is that what I need to do? I don't know. This whole situation [censored]. Its exhausting. I’m mentally drained everyday from thinking about this. I’ve read Sandi2’s rules/180 and am trying to implement that. I’m finding it hard to do since we aren't technically “separated” atm. My W is quite normal around me. Happy, talks about the future, calls, messages throughout the day etc. And I cling to every little bit of hope.
I hope that all makes sense. Confused and scared about what to do from here. I’m definitely going to start on some of Michelle’s books. Is it best to start on her latest? Healing from Infidelity??