Me 46 H 39
M 11 T 14
S 10 DO 8
ILYBNILWY 11.06.17
Separate rooms 11.06.17
Never in a million (NIAM) would I have ever believed I would be back here again after my first divorce 15 years ago and everything I learned here then. This is a bit of a long one.
H announces Sunday night ILYBNILWY but there is nobody else. He was very upset and kept telling me how much he loved me but that feeling just wasn't there anymore. I'm not sure if it was shock or disbelief or what but I said that perhaps we hadn't been on the same page for a while and basically made it easy for him. I asked what he wanted to do and he said nothing would change we would just sleep in different rooms. We then proceeded to have a normal conversation about the general election result (we're in the UK) and news generally, the kids and where I am at work (not great recently). He went to watch some TV and I don't know why but checked if he was online, he's not a big mobile phone fan so I was a bit surprised that he first took his phone with him and even more surprised to find that he was online on Whatsapp. He continued to be online for the rest of the evening and after he went to bed. I went into the other bedroom and broke down, he came in and offered tried to comfort me but I asked him to leave me alone, not aggressively just very simply.
A few weeks before this I had said to my best friend that I thought he was up to something with a girl at work but he told me not to be stupid and we laughed it off. The past few weeks we have been making plans for the future as our eldest starts high school in September and my H is due to leave the army next year and start University so big changes. We have also been looking at booking our family holiday as we do every year and things have been really good.
I kept checking Whatsapp and he was still on line an hour after going to bed I must have fallen asleep. When I woke for work at 4am I checked again and he has been last online at 3am. I arrived at work at 6.25 and he had last been on at 6.20, he continued to message until 7.35 which is probably when my DO got up and then was back on at 9am after the school run, he was on holiday on Monday. I got into work and broke down, I text my friend who had been through this a year ago and fortunately she was off work also, my boss sent me home and I went to her house to try and straighten my head. The whole time my H was messaging when he was supposed to be doing the garden. I got myself together and decided that I needed to let him know that I wasn’t OK with what he had said to me but it was his choice and I would respect that.
I arrived home at 1.10pm and he wasn’t there, hadn’t been on Whatsapp for an hour so I tracked his phone and immediately knew he was with her. I called him, him thinking I was at work and asked him how he was he said OK how was I and I said I would really like to talk to him. There was a lot of noise in the background so I asked him if he was at the supermarket, he said no he didn’t know what I thought I knew but he had had to go into work to speak to someone. I asked if everything was OK and he said yes nothing to worry about he just needed to speak to someone before speaking to me. I said was it OW by any chance and he asked how I knew I said I didn’t but I do now and how come it was more important to speak to her before me. He then said because I’m in love her and I need to know she feels the same way before I speak to you.
He was well over an hour away from home and was supposed to be picking the kids up from school at 3.30pm, neither of us get to do that very often and the children would have been very excited, I mentioned the school run and he said he would make it. He called me later and said he wouldn’t and could I get someone to collect them so we could talk. I was furious ad told him that he was out of order putting himself and OW before his children. I managed to get a friend to collect the children. When he got home he told me what he said was everything. Only been going on 4 weeks, nothing physical has happened apart from kissing but he is so in love with her and wants to be with her. Somehow I remained calm and matter of fact and focused on the children. He said he didn’t want them to know anything and us to carry on as normal if I would allow him to stay.
OW 28 married with S 4/5 and DO 3 she told her H at the same time. They are both in the army and have worked in the same office together for 8 months but went on exercise (they are both in the British Army) to Spain just over 4 weeks ago and prior to that they got on but didn't really have much to do with each other. In Spain they fell in love?? She told my H that another work colleague had been raping her for 6 months and she had got pregnant from this and had an abortion, she hasn't told her H as he would be devastated. My H now wants to keep her safe and protect her, she makes him happy and I don’t. He has tried to get it out of his system since coming back from Spain but he just loves her so much he can’t think of anything else.
That evening he said that her H had taken compassionate leave to go home and try and sort things out with her. Her H is also in the Army and was supposed to be away on exercise for 2 weeks. He didn’t hear from her at all that night. The next morning he told me that he loved me and said but not enough, he said OW had probably changed her mind as he had not heard from her and practically he had no idea how it work anyway. I asked if him that meant that if she didn’t want him he would want us as it wasn’t that simple, he said he knew that, kissed me on the forehead and went to work. Later that day he called me and said she had told him she had agreed with her H to try and make a go of things and even if it didn’t work out she would not go straight from him to my H as she needed to make sure it was right and not destroy 2 families. I asked what this meant to him and he said he wanted to wait for her as he loved her so much. He works late on a Tuesday night and stays at work but he was texting me quite nicely and although it was killing me I was being supportive and asking him how he was, he appreciated this and told me he did love me but wasn’t sure if he loved me enough but the children would always come before anyone.
Yesterday (Wednesday) he finishes work early as he works late on a Tuesday but instead of coming home early he spent the afternoon in the park near his work, I can only assume with her (yes I was tracking his phone torturing myself). Our nanny finishes work ay 6.15pm so I text him at 4.30pm about something for school the next day and asked if he was OK he said yes but was stuck in work, he was still in the park. You guessed it he was late for the kids but I managed somehow to hold back. I was away with work last night which was probably fortunate and he called I called to speak to the kids and he said he would call me back once they were in bed. He did and I asked him how he was as he had said the previous day (when she told him she was going to try with her H) that he thought he needed to talk to someone and would go and see his brother at the weekend. He said he was fine and didn’t really see the point of going to see his brother now so I asked if something had happened to change his mind and he told me that he had had a brief conversation with her and that although she had told her H she would try and counselling for when he returns from exercise she wants to be with my H so she is just going through the motions as she felt she owed him that. I asked my H if he felt he owed us the same and he said he would do anything I wanted him to do but I told him that unless his heart was in it there was no point and I understood how he felt about her and couldn’t change that so no point I just wanted him to be OK. He said he felt like he was having his cake and eating it but I reassured him that he couldn’t help that he had fallen in love with someone else and I understood. OMG I wanted to scream, shout, cry, rant anything but say it was OK but I think that was what we’re supposed to do with them? Later that evening I text asking him something totally practical nothing to do with the situation but he didn’t reply, he was online messaging until the very early hours again and when I text this morning asking if he had received my text last night he immediately replied to say ‘yeah sorry I’ll call him today’.
Today is not a good day and I will have to see him tonight which I’m struggling with. Any comments suggestions would be welcome.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Just doing bank finances as I got paid today and discovered my H who is supposed to be at work is another city (our hometown 2 hours away).
I really need to discuss this with him as the OW's H has threatened to ruin my H's career if the A continues and I have to think about him, the kids and myself financially whether we are together or not. I understand why he is doing it, right now he is infatuated, totally believes she is the one and I am not challenging that but he is not thinking rationally. Is it OK to raise it in a non confrontational way. Suggestions on how to approach it please??
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Is it OK to raise it in a non confrontational way.
Suggestions on how to approach it please??
I sincerely doubt that you will be able to approach this in a non confrontational way, I might suggest you lay out your thoughts here first before you do that, and wait 48 hours for responses before you do it.
I am not suggesting that you not take steps to protect yourself, just confronting him is not it.
I don't know how but I am totally managing to separate him emotionally at the minute as I know I can't control his thoughts, feelings, etc. This is purely about his future security and financial security for him and our children.
He has 18 months to go in the Army and if her H gets wind of this he will inform them what is going on the implications of which for my H as the senior rank are incredibly serious, reduced rank, reduced pension or worse and I feel I need to protect him practically as he is clearly no thinking straight. My H as I know him is not there at the minute he's like an alien. Would you still way wait that long when the consequences are potentially so serious?
I don't know how but I am totally managing to separate him emotionally at the minute as I know I can't control his thoughts, feelings, etc. This is purely about his future security and financial security for him and our children.
He has 18 months to go in the Army and if her H gets wind of this he will inform them what is going on the implications of which for my H as the senior rank are incredibly serious, reduced rank, reduced pension or worse and I feel I need to protect him practically as he is clearly no thinking straight. My H as I know him is not there at the minute he's like an alien. Would you still way wait that long when the consequences are potentially so serious?
Have you consulted a lawyer?
No. This whole situation only came to light a few days ago and todays actions are today. I'm pretty sure a lawyer wouldn't be able to help though as the army have their own rules separate from civilian in the UK
Hello and welcome back! First I would definitely suggest reading DB, sounds like maybe you have before but 15 years later it wouldn’t hurt to read it again! Second I would quit snooping, you’re just going to drive yourself crazy doing that. You know he’s got some kind of affair going whether EA or PA, he’s not even being secretive about it so there’s really no need to snoop.
It sure sounds like your H and OW are both firmly in the limerence stage of their R. They have grandiose fantasies that an R together will solve all their problems. It’ll all be blissful perfection. Of course that will not be the case, but they may decide to give their little fling legs before they discover that. So what do you do? Read DB again, there’s a lot of good info in there on how to deal with an affair partner. Also give yourself a few days to collect yourself while you read it. If H says he wants to talk then tell him you’re willing to talk in a few days but you need some time to digest everything. You might also talk to a DB coach.
I think maybe you’re letting him cake-eat a little too much, based on a few of the comments you made:
“I got myself together and decided that I needed to let him know that I wasn’t OK with what he had said to me but it was his choice and I would respect that. “
“ He said he didn’t want them to know anything and us to carry on as normal if I would allow him to stay. “
“ and although it was killing me I was being supportive and asking him how he was”
“I reassured him that he couldn’t help that he had fallen in love with someone else and I understood.”
You’re dealing with a budding affair and basically you’re giving your H signals that it’s OK to stay at home and stay married while he pursues his A. That should absolutely NOT be OK with you. I think you’re going to want to set some boundaries, such as putting him on notice that if he wants to stay home the A has to end. If he wants to continue the A then he’ll have to move out. You want to work on the M, but you simply can’t if he’s engaging in an A. If he suddenly finds himself moved out and away from his old life, the kids and you he may quickly discover that that old life that he thought was so dull and boring was pretty darned good after all. He’s got to learn to miss you, and he never will if you let him stay at home. But like I said, don’t do that yet. Take a few days to center yourself. Read DB. Get a coach if you can. Seek out more advice here.
Good luck!
Hi and thank you.
I hear what you are saying but he has categorically told me he does not want to work on M so I am working on this basis and do keep reminding him I am not OK with it. I have and am reading and will continue to.
I hear what you're saying about asking him to leave and whilst just practically that would be very difficult it is not impossible so something I should consider and have been considering. I do need to take some time I'm just so worried at the seriousness of his actions and the fact that he is clearly away with the fairies.
Thanks again and time is the one thing I have from previous experience so no rash decisions!
I hear what you are saying but he has categorically told me he does not want to work on M so I am working on this basis and do keep reminding him I am not OK with it.
OK that's good, I didn't get that impression from your first post.
I'm just so worried at the seriousness of his actions and the fact that he is clearly away with the fairies.
You mentioned this and the comment about him being like an alien, those are comments usually made about people in MLC. Do you think he's going through MLC? That's a different situation completely from dealing with a WAH.
Thanks again and time is the one thing I have from previous experience so no rash decisions!
Good! Yes, it's not going to be resolved in a day or week or month, you've got plenty of time!
I definitely think it's a MLC over the past few months we have been discussing our future plans (in a very positive way which is why this is such a shock) and preparing for him leaving the Army next year (completed his full service), he turns 40 next year, just got a new sportier car, new clothes and hair dye for his grey!!
Is it Ok to say to him that I do not want an open marriage and whilst he remains in the house the A has stop?
Is it Ok to say to him that I do not want an open marriage and whilst he remains in the house the A has stop?
Of course, just don't expect him to listen.
Just like a teenager does not listen.
I definitely think it's a MLC over the past few months we have been discussing our future plans (in a very positive way which is why this is such a shock) and preparing for him leaving the Army next year (completed his full service), he turns 40 next year, just got a new sportier car, new clothes and hair dye for his grey!!
Oh wow. That's sounding like textbook MLC for sure. The advice for dealing with an MLCer can be quite different, not sure if you've explored the MLC forum much but it might help:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=28&page=1
So I cracked he didn't get home for the kids AGAIN! Told him I'm not prepared to have an open marriage with him in the house still carrying on with the A and he has until Sunday to decide, not between me and her but between staying at home for his children or leaving. He said he needs to speak OW. I need to focus on me and the kids
I think I've gone through every emotion in the past 24 hours and now I just feel completely drained and devastated.
He went to work this morning, except he didn't he went to her house. I know I shouldn't snoop only torturing myself and I even asked him last night to change his icloud password but he hasn't and I couldn't help myself.
I took the day off and took the kids to school then probably angry because he was with her again rang him and told him he doesn't get to decide he needs to move out. He said OK you know I'll only be staying at work in the short term don't you. I said he couldn't afford to stay anywhere else until the house was sold to which he responded we need to discuss finances.
I know I'll keep going through all the different emotions. I know I need to keep focused and be strong for myself and my kids but right now I just feel so low. I feel like I need to have a really good cry and let it all out but it just won't come.
Just reading about validation and I'm confused. Am I supposed to validate his R with OW?
Hi SJW,
I'm so sorry you had to join us.
"Just reading about validation and I'm confused. Am I supposed to validate his R with OW?"
I'm sure there is a thread on here about validating but I would never validate the A. I want to work on my M even though my W is having a PA I might be wrong but I validate her when she mentions something she's done at work (solved problems, promotions or such) or when she feels a bit down with her appearance or mood, I basically cheerlead and build her up I know it sounds counterintuitive but...
For me and I might be wrong but I'm showing her that I'm invested in what she does except anything to do with the A or R, I'm being there for her and providing a safe place. I know there is a train of thought that goes against this "nice guy" syndrome but I do this as an investment. If and when she comes to her senses I want her to know I'm her best option and always have been.
Please search for the thread on validation and look into boundaries as a start re-read the DB & DR books and I'm sure you will start to gain some stability. If anything I take from all this is that I need to be consistent this is key.
Be strong for those who need you and take care.
Mark.
Hi Mark
I'm sorry you're here to it really [censored] but at least we have support.
Thank you your comments really helped.
I've pulled myself together a bit got a shower put my make up on and he's on his way home. We have a weekend of family activities and reading some other posts I need to focus on making happy memories for the children and put my own feelings to one side.
I just need to keep reminding myself that they are the most important thing in all of this and I need to be there for them even more whilst he's doing his thing.
Thank you. I'm in Northampton
He has 18 months to go in the Army and if her H gets wind of this he will inform them what is going on the implications of which for my H as the senior rank are incredibly serious, reduced rank, reduced pension or worse and I feel I need to protect him
You need to protect YOU and the children. He's almost 40! He can protect himself. That's why Cadet suggested seeing a lawyer. By my count, that's at least 3 times he's put himself and this BS before his own kids, so you know his words are worthless.
It may not be easy, but try to find a lawyer that has experience in military divorces and even better, those involving military affairs. I have a friend who went through this in the US, and you have a tremendous advantage should it head to D. She basically gave her XH 2 choices, the "easy" way and the "hard" way. He chose the easy way. She protected herself and her children.
That being said, I'm not suggesting you divorce. But I am suggesting that he needs to understand the serious consequences to what he is doing.
Hello SJW,
I am sorry that you are finding your way back to this website again.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable with the right support and tools.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I think I've gone through every emotion in the past 24 hours and now I just feel completely drained and devastated.
Very sorry you're going through this
It's difficult, nothing we can say is going to sugarcoat it. You're going to grieve and be miserable for a while. Come here and vent. Find a friend that is NOT attached to your H in any way, someone you can talk to and be confident that what you say will NEVER get back to him. DO NOT confide in mutual friends because that WILL get back to him and you don't want that.
I know I'll keep going through all the different emotions. I know I need to keep focused and be strong for myself and my kids but right now I just feel so low. I feel like I need to have a really good cry and let it all out but it just won't come.
Once it does it'll just seem like it never stops, and that's OK, it needs to happen. Just try to find a private place to do it. I would cry all the way to work (half hour commute) and then gather myself up for the day. Then cry like a baby all the way home, pull it together to walk in so my kids wouldn't see that, then close the bedroom door and cry some more. Good grief I have NEVER cried like that. It was awful, but needed to happen.
Just reading about validation and I'm confused. Am I supposed to validate his R with OW?
Absolutely NOT! An affair should never, ever be validated or approved of in any way. What he is doing is WRONG. Same for the woman, she's married too, they should both be ashamed. Two married people, all I can say is it doesn't speak highly to the character of either of them. Validation is specifically for feelings, for example if your spouse tells you that you never listened to them then you ask them if it that makes them angry and frustrated, if they say yes then you reply with "yes I can tell you're angry because you feel I never listened to you, I am sorry I made you feel that way." You're acknowledging their feelings. But not regarding an affair, no!
I just read the below that Sandi posted in another thread regarding an affair. In that case it's an H whose W is having the affair, but it applies to ANY affair. She posts some really great advice and wisdom and this is no exception:
"Take this as a warning. Do not paint a sweet picture of OM's relationship with your W. She is a M woman and he is a predator. If he was a man of honor, he would immediately sever this so-called "friendship". However, infidelity has no honor! You need to refer to the affair by the correct name. Don't try to give it a cleaner name or description. They have committed adultery. She continues to give him access, while she plays her mind games with her H. The OM is not a friend to the union of holy matrimony. Do not be the counselor for your W's indiscretation. Do not comfort her feelings for another man. It lowers the chance of admiration and attraction for her H.
Identify your enemy, and never trust it, nor compromise with it. Do not allow it to visit your camp, and spread propaganda. Never speak favorably of the enemy to your troops, for this causes confusion and division of loyalty. You must not have comradery with what would greedily devour everything you hold dear to your heart. If you give leeway and/or adapt to the appetite of your enemy.....that which you cherish will inevitibility decay and collapse. Never underestimate its power to enslave and destroy. Understand? When the enemy invades, you either advance or retreat to higher ground..........but never surrender to the enemy!"
I think I've been getting this completely wrong. I have said to him about other women that I understand how he feels about her and I'm not happy about it but it's his decision.
Very strange evening tonight. He arrived home from work with 10 minutes to spare before collecting D8 from school. I apologised for the ultimatum last night and telling him to leave this morning and explained that I was hurt, upset and disappointed. I was putting my own feelings before those of the children and I do think that. The children needed him here for as long as he was going to stay and if he wanted to stay for them then we should try to work out a way to be in the same house without any impact on the children. He said he didn't know how this could work as he isn't going to stop seeing OW. I said I knew that but I had to put my feelings to one side for their sake and practically we needed to work together for work and kids socials. He started to say about what happens when I want to take her away for the weekend and I said we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
We both picked D8 up from school then went to get S10 from a sports event. S has cricket practice on Friday evenings and I'm normally at work so H will do school pick up then cricket with both kids and I usually get home around the time that they are getting back. Being off work today meant that we could all go but I got the feeling that H wasn't quite comfortable with that and he had been pretty impatient with the kids in the short time that he had been with them, which is totally unlike him. So I suggested I go to my friends with D and he took S to cricket around the corner.
He got back to my friends and we sat chatting really nicely like nothing was any different talking about past holidays and plans for the coming weeks. The kids were playing and my friend said they could stay over so we left. It was dinner time so I asked if he wanted to go for something to eat or go to the shop and he said we could go and get something. He was also affectionate in the car put his hand on my leg and was telling me he did still love me and wanted us to be friends (I know memories chat and no OW he had a tiny moment and that's all).
Got to the pub and it was packed so we decided to go home. We pulled up on the driveway and he announces that he has promised to take OW away at the end of the month and starts getting all funny about money, where did that come from. I remained calm and when in the house told him that we would work through finances but I didn't feel it was appropriate until the house was sold to be spending money on weekends away with OW. He then started to get really agitated and started washing pots and moving things around and saying that he couldn't do anything without me knowing about it - I have always done the finances for 14 years he has never been interested and we have both joint and separate accounts. He then said he was being really selfish but it wasn't just about OW but she had made him realise that he needed to do something for himself, maybe go travelling in the future but there was more to life than this. I decided it was time to retire gracefully to let him calm down.
I showered and came downstairs and we sat together watching TV and he was stroking my foot? I went for a cigarette and he came outside to say he was going to bed, kissed me on the side of the head, if I had turned my head he would have kissed me on the lips but I didn't. He asked me not to hate him and not to beat myself up and went up to the spare room.
Bit of a long one but more to journal for me although any comments welcome.
I think it's MLC for sure?
I need to rant and rationalise now.
* He wants to take her out for the night and away for the weekend - I have been waiting for him to do either of those things with me for a very long time so why not with me but with her. Anytime we do anything it's when I organise it but he made a comment about me having control of everything. I have asked him so many times over the years to take the control from me.
* He wants to do something for himself, go travelling in the future when the kids are older maybe with OW maybe not - so do I but we have 2 children and difficult jobs so not so easy, he says there's loads I could do - I work 80 hours a week minimum in 5 days including commute with 2 kids and a husband who until a year ago wasn't at home apart from weekends (army)
* 5 years ago I asked him to go to counselling because we were in a rut and he was going to Afghanistan for 7 months - he said we didn't need it
* 7 months in Afgan, 16 months later 6 months in Cyprus. 4 years between 2011-2015 he spent more time away that at home our kids were 2 and 5 in 2011 and I was working full time.
Tomorrow:
Having my hair done rare treat which has booked for ages. Food shop for lots of healthy nutritional stuff. I haven't eaten since Sunday but feel like I can now and want to get healthy, less alcohol and cigarettes. Speak to my personal trainer friend and see if we can either work some time in or if she can give me a very delicate programme, I haven't exercised for years.
I told H in the week I was going out with a friend, I wasn't but I will get dressed up and go out even if it's just go round to a mates for a coffee, he doesn't need to know I'm not dancing the night away
SJW,
I'm sorry. He doesn't want to do those things with you now. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but it sounds like you are making yourself his doormat. Read some of Sandi's posts on WW. You don't nice these people back. All you are doing is letting him know that you will always be there waiting in the wings for him. He can't possible believe that you might actually be moving on with your life and be concerned about that. Please, for your sake, stop the pursuing behaviors, be mysterious, and work on finding a life that is independent of him.
It's been very evident last night and today that he resents his life with me and the children he wants his own time an space but keeps asking where I going what I am doing tonight?
He wants me to work on the house whilst he works on the garden as he sees the house being sold as his release from us and there's stuff we need to get done in order to get it on the market. I am struggling to hold it together and could really do with getting out of here for a little while. My D8 is so clingy to me though and has been for a few weeks in hindsight, am I being really selfish if I disappear for a while?? Like till Tuesday night when he stays over at work!
In the end I told him I was popping out and went to see friends. I got back after a couple of hours and started to get ready as I was going out. I tried not to interact very much with H but got ready whilst he made the kids dinner. He came I the bedroom whilst I was getting ready and asked me for the third time in the day If I was just going out with the one friend and I said yes.
I went downstairs when I was ready and I knew I looked good and for the first time since he made his announcement last Sunday I actually felt good about ME! The look on his face was a picture and he told me how nice I looked. I went to say goodbye to the kids and my S told me I looked beautiful and D was like I love you hair Mummy. I literally strutted out of the house and had a brilliant night with my close group of girlfriends, realised that actually yes I am going to be OK and got home at 3.30am.
This morning I am slightly hungover but still feeling positive so hopefully it continues. I find it hardest when I'm with him there's an awkwardness between us and that's difficult to cope with but I have to get through that for the sake of the children.
We sat down and talked last night initiated by him and rightly or wrongly I told him what a huge mistake I thought he was making. We talked through the events of last week and how ridiculous this all is and he couldn't disagree but continued with the she makes me happy! I think I may have fuelled these feelings by not getting up until really late yesterday and leaving him with the children as I think he resents that I have a life and he has work and the kids. I know that's not my fault but she is the escape route, their little bubble of fantasy land. He doesn't really have friends, hasn't really ever when I think about it, don't get me wrong he's a really sociable guy and we have lots of mutual friends but nobody he is close to.
He is adamant he is taking her away for the weekend after next and even though I asked him not to do that if he had any respect for me he is determined.
What I struggle with is I do know in time I'll be OK I would still like to try and make a go of our M. I have no idea if it will work there have been issues for some time but doesn't every M have issues. Should we have made more of an effort yes definitely. That said in the few weeks before he made him announcement I actually thought we were making more of an effort, how ironic!
I remained calm and when in the house told him that we would work through finances but I didn't feel it was appropriate until the house was sold to be spending money on weekends away with OW. He then started to get really agitated and started washing pots and moving things around and saying that he couldn't do anything without me knowing about it
I've got to tell you, MLCers just absolutely blow my mind. Who in their right mind asks their newly BD'd W for permission to go on a trip with their girlfriend???? It's really quite incredible.
I decided it was time to retire gracefully to let him calm down.
Good! Sometimes that is appropriate and the best course of action. There is nothing wrong with walking away if you feel a fight brewing.
I went downstairs when I was ready and I knew I looked good and for the first time since he made his announcement last Sunday I actually felt good about ME! The look on his face was a picture and he told me how nice I looked.
Good, it helps to hang out with friends, helps to keep you centered. Just try not to make it an H-bashing session! Plus if you show him that you are going to live your life and not sit around moping and waiting for him to change his mind, well that's going to start worrying him. He wants OW, but he wants you on the hook as Plan B as well. He wants you as a safety net. You deserve to be Plan A, not B.
We sat down and talked last night initiated by him and rightly or wrongly I told him what a huge mistake I thought he was making. We talked through the events of last week and how ridiculous this all is and he couldn't disagree but continued with the she makes me happy!
Just be careful about R talks. You should avoid them. Remember Sandi's 37 rules, those rules should drive ALL your convos.
What I struggle with is I do know in time I'll be OK I would still like to try and make a go of our M. I have no idea if it will work there have been issues for some time but doesn't every M have issues.
All M's and all R's have issues. Right now he's in a dreamland where he thinks he and OW will go skipping off into the sunset without a care in the world. Eventually he'll realize that he and OW have their own issues. What happens then is hard to predict, but it's doubtful their R will last. But until then, keep getting out and GAL'ing and making yourself the spouse only a fool would leave!
Thank you AnotherStander your timing is impeccable I am having a particularly tough day today. The weekend away is playing on my mind massively and he's back at work and so is she.
Added to this my work situation has been absolutely awful for a while now and the night he BD'd I was going to discuss with H me quitting the following day. Now I feel trapped not because I have to stay totally for financial reasons but it's a massive step given the situation and it gives me routine each day, on the flip side it makes me even more miserable.
I don't know how to do the quote thing but When I said we discussed the events of last week. I didn't refer to our R I was referring to theirs and how she had picked him up and dropped him depending on if her husband was at home. Is that OK?
Added to this my work situation has been absolutely awful for a while now and the night he BD'd I was going to discuss with H me quitting the following day. Now I feel trapped not because I have to stay totally for financial reasons but it's a massive step given the situation and it gives me routine each day, on the flip side it makes me even more miserable.
BD is nothing if not an enormous inconvenience
You'll have to put some things on hold like that job change. It doesn't mean it will never happen, it just can't happen right now. I'm very sorry you're going through this, it's not permanent but it certainly feels that way early on. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other for now!
Thanks again AnotherStander I've spent some time reading through some detachment posts as I think that's what I have to do. The weekend away may or may not happen but it's over a week away so deal with it if and when it happens. I know I can come here, my kids will be with me and I will be surrounded by love from amazing friends. As you say one foot in foot in front of the other and one hour at a time :-)
After an awful day emotionally yesterday I was driving home from work and suddenly started to feel much better, stronger and more positive. It was almost as if I'd accepted what was happening and realised nothing is going to change overnight this is a long haul process and I need to get myself in shape (mentally and emotionally) to ride the rollercoaster.
I arrived home and H was still at football with the kids. They arrived back and the kids were full of stories about school and he made them snack whilst we chatted. It's funny but it's like I'm looking at them for the first time again at the moment and the love I feel for them is all consuming which is good. He went for a run and got them into bed and had a shower when he got back he dropped the next bomb he'd told his Mum. I asked what he had told her and he said that basically he wasn't in love with me anymore although he still cared and everything was fine the kids didn't know and wouldn't for a while. I asked if he told her about OW he said yes briefly and that his Mum didn't really say much. He then started to ask about mutual friends and said he felt he needed to talk to our 3 best friends and explain and ask them to take care of me. I said he didn't need to ask them that it was a given and it was up to him if he wanted to talk to them. He went to shower and his Mum called me and that's when the tears came, the last person on earth I thought I would break down to but him telling her just made it more final.
She was furious with him and said his Dad was too and his Dad was going to call him to talk to some sense into him and he'd come to his senses. If only it were that simple!
This morning I'm trying not to keep analysing and to focus on work and getting through another day. I'm in a better place than I was yesterday up to now and I'm hoping it will stay that way.
Just had an email from the school to say my S has won an award which will presented at assembly on Thursday and can we be there. It's just brought me crashing down with a bump the thought of going to the school and pretending everything is normal. I've forward the email to my H and he should be there but I'm torn between the pain of going and sharing such a happy experience when I feel so sad about us and him saying he can't make it the disappointment that will bring.
Had a call from one of my oldest friends about going away for the weekend in October what fantastic timing.
I've been reading a lot on the MLC forum and really think that is where I should be but I am still a newbie so should I stay here, could a moderator advise please?
He's coming to the assembly with me - another hurdle to cross but I will
Had a call from one of my oldest friends about going away for the weekend in October what fantastic timing.
I've been reading a lot on the MLC forum and really think that is where I should be but I am still a newbie so should I stay here, could a moderator advise please?
I think it's fine to post wherever you think is more appropriate, or even in both forums!
Hang in there, I know it's tough going places with H right now but it's important to do that for the kids. I'm 5 years post-BD and my XW and I still go to events for our kids together. We've always shown unity when it comes to the kids.
The fact that my S has got the award for outstanding behaviour last week when that was the week following BD I hope demonstrates that so far the kids aren't affected
H is text book MLC and everyone including his own Mum is telling me to kick him out but I'm frightened but I don't know what of?
The fact that my S has got the award for outstanding behaviour last week when that was the week following BD I hope demonstrates that so far the kids aren't affected
Well if outstanding behavior isnt out of character for him, then yes he seems to be doing fine right now. Congrats on the award. You have raised a good kid there. My D9 ripped all posters and drawings down from the walls of her classroom and sprayed water all over, so kids obviously react differently
H is text book MLC and everyone including his own Mum is telling me to kick him out but I'm frightened but I don't know what of?
The first chapter of DB talks about how people will tell you to ditch your WAS, but what do YOU want? If that's not what YOU want then politely tell them what you do want and ask them to support you in that choice.
My D9 ripped all posters and drawings down from the walls of her classroom and sprayed water all over, so kids obviously react differently
Wow, no kidding? I need to look up your thread, looking at your signature I'm blown away that there was barely a month between BD and D. Things very rarely happen that fast.
Hi Btrow S has been misbehaving at school recently so never thought of it that way. We haven't told the kids yet so I was hoping they hadn't picked up on anything.
Wow your D sounds like mine I think that's how she would react
Hi AnotherStander
I have politely told him that I do not wish him to continue the A whilst still in the house - he refused to stop seeing her. When I asked him out of respect to wait until he had left the house before taking OW away he again refused and told me that if I tried to stop him he would leave right there and then and he was quite angry in the way he said it, that was at the weekend.
Hi AnotherStander
I have politely told him that I do not wish him to continue the A whilst still in the house - he refused to stop seeing her. When I asked him out of respect to wait until he had left the house before taking OW away he again refused and told me that if I tried to stop him he would leave right there and then and he was quite angry in the way he said it, that was at the weekend.
I'm sorry, I didn't explain myself very well in that post. I was responding to your comment that his mom told you to kick him out. Normally in your sitch friends and loved ones will tell you to kick him out, leave him, etc. Michele talks about this in chapter 1 of DB, they're doing that because they think it's healthy for you. But things aren't that simple, kicking him out doesn't suddenly make you feel better and get over him. The point I was trying to make is that if you're trying to work on the M, then tell that to any friends or family that may be telling you that D is the best choice, and ask them to support you in your choice to stand.
I have done so well so far but tonight I have completely lost it BIG time and he started throwing it back. This was over the phone as he works late and stays over on a Tuesday and today I realised that he is actually done and I have made it easy for him. His head and heart are not with us they are with OW. I needed to break down and cry on my own but friends were here thinking they were helping but in reality that is part of the problem. He called to remind me to make a packed lunch for my S for tomorrow and asked if I was OK, I said fine and he went off the phone. I wasn't fine at all and called him back to tell him so.
I shouted and vented and told him that I was not OK with this and the part that gutted me the most was the fact that he couldn't even give me the respect to talk about it or make any effort to work on our M he's just moved on from me and the kids. I was angry, really angry and then he asked if I had been drinking. We have always drank it's probably the trademark of our whole R and I have even asked him at various points over the years to help me break the habit. He called me an alcoholic which working 80+ hours over a 5 day week as an MD of a company and raising 2 kids clearly I'm not but by my own admission I am probably alcohol dependent and that is what he said. That said we have drank together and it is boring and I have asked him so many times over the years to help me break that habit but it has continued and now when it's gets tough that's my crutch.
He's in the army so can go away for long periods and not drink, 7 months in Afgan, 2 tours of Iraq and a lot more over the 14 years we've been together. My friends all drink too and it's just the norm. He is using that now and I don't blame him. I need to do it for me I know that not to keep him and he said we can talk tomorrow but I've just pushed him further away.
He said he will just have to come home and stay and be miserable and if he does that he will loose OW. I told him that is not what I wanted I wanted him to just give us a chance to talk and at least say we tried and it didn't work.
In my heart of hearts I know he has already moved his head and heart into the new R and I have to work on myself and being a better person and Mum but I also needed to let him know this is not OK.
I am angry I am hurting and I am scared. My work sitch is getting worse, I'm MD but the owner is cutting me put of everything isn't talking to me, knows what's going on in my M but is almost angry that it means he can't be as horrible as he wants to be and I feel like my life is just imploding.
I slept fitfully an have woken p with that complete hollow heartbroken feeling. I told work last night I wouldn't be in I just can't deal with that and this something is going to have to give for me to focus on me and the children and getting through this. I think he does need to leave because seeing him and talking to him hurts too much. I think I need to work out finances today so he can have his independence, whilst that may facilitate his A it will only serve to antagonise him when he has asked me to do it.
I need to focus on what I can change, me, and let go of what I can't, him.
Just picked up my mobile and he text me 20 minutes ago 'you OK babe' what do I say to that???? Do I apologise for last night, do I keep it simple and say yes are you as if last night never happened. How strange.
I didn't get chance to reply he called about an hour later, I hadn't ignored it I was getting the kids ready for school. He asked if I was OK - REALLY AGAIN! I know this is about making himself feel better and it's not fair. He asked if I was at work I said I'd taken the day off and was taking the kids to school, he said I thought you might. It was pleasant enough but unnecessary for me it just gives false hope and hurts.
One thing he did say to me last night when I was doing what I shouldn't be and crying and shouting was I'll just come home and be miserable then because this isn't how I want you to be.
I've stuck to my plans and achieved what I set out to do. He keeps telling me that the children will always come first and yet again on his afternoon off instead of picking them up from school and spending precious time with them he has just asked the nanny to drop them at football and he'll meet them there.
I was all prepared for him coming back later than he would normally but was ready to say nothing as per DB rules but to not even get back to take them to football and just leave them there on their own am I still supposed to say nothing??
I told him this morning I was at home when he was asking how I was, short memory he'll be sh&*ing his pants all the way home now the nanny's told him I picked the kids up.
In my heart of hearts I know he has already moved his head and heart into the new R and I have to work on myself and being a better person and Mum but I also needed to let him know this is not OK.
He knows. He may act all fine and dandy on the outside, but inside he is wracked with guilt. He wants to blame you for it and probably does, and if you go postal on him he thinks he's justified in blaming you because you're "clearly volatile and unstable" (I'm not saying you are, I'm saying that's the way WAS's think). So you have got to reign in that type of behavior. We all do all the wrong things before coming here, so don't beat yourself up over what you've already done. Just don't do it again. Go back and read DB again, specifically the chapter on infidelity. Try to model your behavior on that. And remember Sandi's rules:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=223060312.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
I am really confused. When he finally got home on Wednesday he wasn't very happy, well he'd been caught for being late for the kids again only red handed this time. He instigated a conversation about nothing has changed and I listened whilst he vented then asked him what he wanted to happen. He preceded to tell me that he asked OW to meet up as he needed some reassurances from her as he had turned everyones lives upside down and I was devastated. I didn't interrupt but when he looked at me for comment I asked him did he not think I was devastated before I lost it, he said he did but he had never heard me like that and it really made him think. I get that he went to see OW for convo on the back of it so bad DB but surely he needed to know how upset I am and it appears that made him realise?? He keeps saying you don't seem that bothered most of the time, this will be when I'm AIF I guess?? Any comments?
Anyway we talked at length, he did most of the talking and I made sure I validated where appropriate and made my opinion clear on the A. It was very evident that all of his decisions are being made around what she is doing, whether she is going to leave her H or not. She says she is but she will not her H about my H and they will keep I quiet until the dust settles then my H moves in I guess. I want him here for the kids but I also said that makes me a doormat. Suggestions?
I had done the finances and went through them with him, he was a bit shocked and not totally happy but I thought he was doing OK out of it, I'm the higher earner but I have more expenses. Yesterday we went to the bank to take my name of one of the joint accounts so he could use it without my knowledge (I have always done all the finances and he has always been happy with that when I asked him to take it on he didn't want to). When we came out of the bank he grabbed my hand turned me towards him kissed me on the lips and said thank you before I even knew what had happened. I pulled my hand away as I started to well up damn it and he pulled it back, I told him unless you want to work on our M you cannot do that it isn't fair.
We then went to S's assembly but he got a call from OW just before we went in and she was not happy with him. He fidgeted all through the assembly visibly anxious and once S received hi award he left. The kids get to go to the parents at the end for a cuddle including my younger one didn't get an award and what did they both say "where did Daddy go". Later that evening he called to say he was staying at work and his whole demeanour had returned to business-like friendship. Woohoo the MLC rollercoaster!
In other news I lost my job today well received redundancy notice which in itself is a joke how can the MD be redundant. So battling for my settlement has to be my focus for now just hope I can get it resolved quickly.
Oh forgot to say when OW reassured him I asked what would you have done if she hadn't and he said well I'd be making a big mistake. I probably shouldn't have pursued it but couldn't help myself so I said but I thought you didn't want us regardless of her and he then said I was twisting his words so I stopped and let him carry on.
He just got home and I did it again ARRRGGGHHHH! He mentioned her and I went off on one. I've told him not to mention her in the house. I need to withdraw and re gather.
After a lovely evening at a friends we got back I was cooking dinner for the two of us and all he wanted to talk about was her! Needed to justify it. I completely lost the plot and I mean completely and kicked him out. And I mean kicked him out suitcases throwing clothes out of the wardrobe he asked me to stop, I asked him if he was going to stop he said no so I said I wouldn't and carried on. the screaming banshee he doesn't want gave him the justification he needed. He's gone and I know I will probably regret this tomorrow but not as much as he will. I need to work on me and my kids and that is all. He will come back through this door when I say so.
SJW, no matter what, you need to work on you before you can work on "us".. If he stays gone for a bit, that will help you focus on you, baby steps. First figure out what you can do for 180's and for GAL.
What does being the best mom ever look like to you? Do those things with your kids during the week, after school... for the weekends, make plans to do something, and ask WH if he wants to spend time with kids (yes or no question) if not find another way, but GAL.
If he stays gone, it's the best thing for your sanity right now, his A is either going to flourish or fail right now, but either way you have to work on you before you could even think about working on "us"
Thank you Coconut. The best Mum for my kids looks like me I have always been their stable and now losing my job I am going to be even more. I have a life, he doesn't and you know what kicking him out even if it was in temper was the best thing for me. I feel so much calmer and able to focus on me and the kids and I can tell them that Daddy had to go to work because that does happen in the army at a moments notice. As long as they've got me and our friends they're fine and that's all that matters. I'm home alone tonight so I can grieve without the kids here and he is facing up to what he has chosen. x
He says he wants to be here for the kids but actually it's not for the kids it's because he doesn't want to live in a single room in barracks
Ok, I'm a little confused, where are the kids?
As far as him, do anything you can to keep him away, it's for your own sanity, time will bring a level head, but you need time.. Him staying away right now is a good thing.
Sorry Coconut I went to bed. The kids were at a friends I would never have done that had they been here.
He called this morning asking if I was OK???? He's not real! Asked if he could come back to look after the kids tonight, I'm going out for my friends Birthday and staying over. I said no. He asked if he could watch S at football tournament tomorrow and come and get some stuff I said up to him if he went to football I would get someone to bring his stuff. I had a change of heart later and thought it would be better for the kids if he was here with them tonight but told him I don't want to see him.
He wants to tell the kids but I know I need to be there when he does that and I don't think I'm ready to him to devastate them this soon, it makes it all so final. When is a good time though because as far as he's concerned he's done. They're used to him being away for work so I think we should leave it at least until after his weekend away with OW next weekend. But them am I just clinging onto the hope that he'll have a change of heart and we won't have to tell them which deep down I know isn't going to happen?
He's told his Mum that regardless of OW he doesn't want to be with me.
And thank you your absolutely right I am better not seeing him.
My ot6her quandary is he wants to see the kids as much as possible which is fine but how do I let him do that without seeing him without it becoming obvious to them? I suppose I could pretend I'm still working and then stay at a friends when he's home?
Him saying he doesn't want to be with you is based on emotion, he's infatuated with the fantasy of OW, it may change over time, or it may not, but nothing you can do about it so focus stays on you.
If you're going out, and he wants to stay with the kids, absolutely do that, he's their father, don't block that.
As for him wanting to see them, tell him you want him to do that too, but a schedule needs to be set up, so it's planned. Don't lie about having plans, instead just say the truth, I'm going out. I would let him know he needs to tell you when he will be taking them out to do things or staying at the house so you can plan accordingly. If your up to staying in the house without being confrontational, then that's ok, but if it hurts to much, just go out. With a schedule, you'll be able to plan with friends and family to do something or visit them.
Coconut I can't begin to tell you how much your support is helping. I will update you tomorrow on the events of the weekend, Thank you so much
The weekend has been a complete rollercoaster of emotions. From the devastation of anger and hurt on Friday night to a fantastic night out with the girls on Saturday night where we danced ALL night to coming back down to earth with a huge bump yesterday. He asked to come home and I told him that if he was continuing down the path with OW then he was not welcome at home he said he was and perhaps he should have made that clearer to begin with. How much clearer is taking her out for days out and away for the weekend this coming weekend???
I'm in limbo waiting to hear from my boss to sort out the work situation and really need to get that sorted and a line drawn under it so I can focus on me and the kids. I have asked for a meeting today or this evening rather than going into the office tomorrow, I can do without that humiliation right now. He is supposed to be contacting me today to let me know.
H wanted to take the kids to football tonight and last night I said no because I can't see him and these are the consequences of his choices but I have just text him to say that he can but he can't come in the house. I don't believe I should allow him in the house right now because this is his choice but is that the right thing to do? I could let him in and not be here but then why should I put myself out? I don't think we can really schedule until we have told them and I just don't feel strong enough right now to do that or am I just being selfish and don't want that additional nail in the coffin of our M??
Couple of quick things... Don't have much time.
1. I don't think you can likely keep him from moving him home, but you don't have to OK it.
2. Even if he ends with OW, best to wait awhile to agree to try to work it out. For now stick with I don't know what I want right now, need time to decide. Validate, be kind but not willing to let him just come back, best if he feels he might lose you because of HIS actions. If he really wants it, he will need to fight to get you back.
3. Don't punish him when it comes to the kids, let him be the BEST dad ever, give him an opportunity to see the importance of his family, if your not comfortable tell him that, don't just say "you can't come in", tell him why you would prefer he doesn't. Better he knows he hurt you and you don't want to see him, than for you to be 8!t(hy wife who tells him he can't step foot in house.
After a lovely evening at a friends we got back I was cooking dinner for the two of us and all he wanted to talk about was her! Needed to justify it. I completely lost the plot and I mean completely and kicked him out. And I mean kicked him out suitcases throwing clothes out of the wardrobe he asked me to stop, I asked him if he was going to stop he said no so I said I wouldn't and carried on. the screaming banshee he doesn't want gave him the justification he needed. He's gone and I know I will probably regret this tomorrow but not as much as he will. I need to work on me and my kids and that is all. He will come back through this door when I say so.
Actually as I was reading down through your posts I was thinking "she really needs to kick him the hell out." His behavior is outrageous, just flagrantly carrying on with OW like that. And pulling you in for a kiss? Welcome to crazy town. If he is MLC then do what you can to separate your finances. Full blown MLCers (especially men) will go on crazy spending sprees and trips and accrue crazy amounts of debt and often the LBS gets saddled with some of the debt in the D. I'm not suggesting pursuing D, but you might talk to a L and start protecting yourself financially.
It's possible that getting kicked out may wake him up (sooner or later) but just be careful not to welcome him back with open arms. There are a lot of boundaries you should set up, but that can be discussed more if and when the time comes. Good luck and stay strong!
I can stop him coming home he has a room at work so it's not like he has nowhere to stay and this is the consequence of his actions. I have told him I want to work on M he is adamant that he doesn't so do I now say I don't know what I want? By validating his feelings I feel like I'm validating A?
I can't see or speak to him at the moment it hurts too much. I don't have the choice of working at it or not he has made his mind up. He wants to stay in the house and nothing to change apart from separate rooms and carry on seeing OW surely not letting him back whilst he continues down this path is the right thing to do??
Sorry Coconut I appreciate your support so much but your post has confused me.
Thanks AS kicking him out was tough but he pushed me so much last week talking about still going on holiday as a family and all that and then after such a lovely evening where he was telling friends what a fantastic day our wedding was I just lost it.
I agree about the finances completely and that will be my mission tomorrow. Not had a good day today so just getting through it will be enough. His phone bill has just gone out the bank today and it's three times what it normally is! I know he's on full MLC mission and with me losing my job I can't afford for him to be dragging us down with him. I have a friend who is a D and family lawyer so will also speak to her tomorrow. D is not the route I want to go down but I may not have a choice and my first priority has to be protecting mine and the kids futures.
In all honesty I was hoping that kicking him out and him having to live in his single room in the barracks would be the wake up he needed he's only done one night and was making a lot of contact yesterday but I haven't heard from him today at all.
If and I'm pretty sure it won't but if he said he wanted to try it would be a very long road with both of us acknowledging the flaws in ourselves and our M and building up from there I could not just drop back into how it was. Be nice to have that option but I don't right now and perhaps never will.
Just been reading through Sandi's rules again and the difficult thing for me is because my H has spent so much time away from home in the army, tours etc. I have a life and he would drop into that same life when he was home so how do appear to be getting a life when I already have one and apparently one that he's bored with? I can't change much about it as it revolves around a close group of friends and involves our respective kids. The kids play together at one or the others houses and the adults chat together whilst they play, everyones happy.
The other thing is if I'm not seeing or speaking to him how can he see that I'm acting as if and upbeat?
OK......he's now text to say he has made plans not to go to football and needs this week to get used to it!! I'm kind of good with that right now as it gives me a week to work on me as well although it's going to crucify me at time wondering where he is and what he's doing (is he with OW) I am better when he's not around. It also means the kids have another week of ignorance which is good.
I asked if he wanted me to tell them he was on exercise and he said yes so let's see what this week brings for me and my babies. I need sort the job sitch, start clearing the house and working on me so when I do see him again he'll get the shock of his life or maybe I'll get mine and he's even deeper infatuated with her.
I went back and read your post, I thought you when you told him that he wasn't welcome to come back home while he was with OW, that he said he should of made it clearer that he wasn't... big difference, I apologize for the confusion on my part.
when I said you can't likely keep him out of the house, I was typing on my ipad and it should have read legally keep him out. If he owns half the house, then legally he can live there. So I was saying he can legally move back, but that doesn't mean you have to agree with it (even if he ended it with OW). My point was that just cause he says he stopped it with her doesn't mean you should jump in and start piecing (again, my confusion).
So I agree, him living somewhere else is best.
Ok, so moving on from my confusing post.. You say you have a life, so let me ask you do you have a "passion" in your life? Just cause you meet friends, and maybe participate in activities, is there anything that really gives you a rush just thinking about it? Passion is sexy, and if you don't have it, then you keep trying different things until you find it. Can be anything, but it's great to have something you can't wait to do again, something you can talk to others about and they see the passion in your eyes and hear it in your words.
D is not the route I want to go down but I may not have a choice and my first priority has to be protecting mine and the kids futures.
I think there are a lot of MLCer wives out there that wish they had taken steps to protect themselves sooner! Like it's not enough that you have to suffer through the cheating and BD, but adding on financial misery on top of that is just too much!
In all honesty I was hoping that kicking him out and him having to live in his single room in the barracks would be the wake up he needed he's only done one night and was making a lot of contact yesterday but I haven't heard from him today at all.
It could very well wake him up, but again be careful not to welcome him back with open arms too quickly. Especially if he really is MLC, if he is then his behavior is unlikely to change for a long, long time. He'll tell you whatever he thinks he needs to to get his way (cake eat). MLCers are raging liars.
If and I'm pretty sure it won't but if he said he wanted to try it would be a very long road with both of us acknowledging the flaws in ourselves and our M and building up from there I could not just drop back into how it was. Be nice to have that option but I don't right now and perhaps never will.
Yes, exactly. We all come here wanting to know how to get back to normal, but "normal" is no longer an option after BD. The old marriage is already dead and gone by the time we find our ways here. I'll tell you this, of all the recon stories I've read after an affair, not one has gone smoothly. It's really tough to rebuild the trust after an A. Many times the LBS ends the relationship after recon because they feel like the MLCer will never change and they get tired of dealing with it. So just be prepared, no matter whether your M is saved or not you've got a tough road ahead!
Thanks Coconut and I appreciate you're busy and taking this time out to talk to me is just fantastic of you. My passion is dancing, always has been, always will be. When I went through my last D 15 years ago I got proper private dance lessons and when I met my H I was doing medals and competitions but then we moved and I had to give it up. So you're absolutely right I need to find a dance class and fast.
Thanks again AS your words are very wise and as I said earlier welcoming him back with open arms would not be the case it would be very very slow and cautious a recon would be a long time off.
I have actually been hungry tonight and eaten which is good. Took the kids to football and chatted about there days, my S had been on a trip and was so excited to talk to me about it, I am loving spending time with them and once the work sitch is sorted, hopefully tomorrow, I'm a full time Mum, yay!
H text at 8pm 'I won't call the kids tonight will call tomorrow' he's with OW or he would have gone to football or at least phoned them but you know what they didn't ask and with friends and AS an Coconut today I'm actually OK. I text him after the kids were in bed and said that it was fine they didn't ask anyway and told him as S probably wouldn't remember tomorrow that he had a great day on hi trip was talking positively about High school in September and hoped he was OK. Haven't heard back but he's with her so wouldn't expect to. He's missing out already and he will have to deal with that
It kinda feels like the comment "they didn't ask about you" was a dagger you were throwing towards him... First, there was no reason to even respond to that text, second really try not to use your kids as weapons.. No matter what, he is their father, and you don't want to change that R for him or them.
Second, what kind of dancing do you do? I wish I could dance, I've taken country line dancing lessons and even did a tango class once, but my two left feet got in the way, now I just watch the girls line dance, which isn't to bad:).
Seriously though, a passion for dancing is great. Anyway you can invite a friend to do it with you?
Hi Coconut. I can get why you think me saying 'they didn't ask' would sound like a weapon but with him being away so much over the years it is actually more of a comfort to him them not asking, that is the way it was intended and I will make sure that is the way it was taken when I get chance. I honestly definitely would never intentionally use my children as weapons that is not who I am at all. I actually have a proven male brain, lol but that's the truth. He has always been the most amazing Dad and I have always told him that regardless of anything else. I would never ever want to change their R with him ever. However, the way he has been with them recently has been completely different to the Daddy they know and they are both showing signs of that change. Up until BD 2 weeks ago I was aware of changes in their behaviour but hadn't really noticed his but now with hindsight I can see that he had changed. I need to get my work sitch sorted tomorrow and then I can properly focus on them although we have already spent more time together due to the sitch and the are loving it :-)
Dancing don't get me started I just love to dance to anything. I guess my real passion is jive, rock and roll and Latin. I adore the romance and passion of Rumba, the excitement and pace of jive, the sexiness of Salsa and the youthfulness and fun of commercial dance music. I always used to have the radio on in the car on the current station all the time but turned the radio off a few weeks ago and cannot bare to have it on now. He's gone from listening to nothing but Talk Sport for 14 years to the current station since OW. My absolute favourite film ever is Dirty Dancing and if I could dance like that with a partner like that it would be a dream come true.
This morning I am angry. I haven't heard from him at all which shouldn't come as a surprise as he's been with OW so will be in complete euphoria. I am torturing myself with thoughts of where they were last night and what they did if he's in work or not, he's been using me as an excuse to get out of work so wouldn't surprise me if he's done that again. I can't do that though I need to keep busy and get through another day. It's D day for my work sitch so I need to focus on that and securing myself as best as I can financially for me and the kids until I'm comfortable that they're OK with me going back to work.
Anger is good at this point. It'll give you strength. Don't be a doormat. I don't want to be rude but you've been way too much of a doormat throughout this process. He knows you're a guarantee and he can play with your heart all he wants because if his plan A (OW) doesn't work out he's pretty sure you'll take him right back. Don't be anyone's plan B.
Set YOUR boundaries and what they should be for a marriage and stick with them.
Start planning your life with the kids without him. Plan events and do them without inviting him. Don't always be available on his schedule. That's not planning life without him.
His fantasy new relationship is doomed to failure. It was conceived on lies, secrets, betrayal. Two cheaters never last especially if families have been hurt in the process. Personally I favor exposure because that helps build your support network and gets you some allies while at the same time isolating the cheaters from their support network who didn't know they were cheating.
Start your GAL right now. Stop worrying about his seedy sleazy comings and goings. That's not the kind of person you want to associate with or even want your kids associating with. He's in a cheater's fog. A scummy sleazy fog. Let him wallow there until he wises up or spirals even further downward but DON'T let him drag you there with him.
You have to start detaching. Remove him from that inner most layer of your heart. He has forfeited that spot. Start doing things without him. Especially if there are things you liked before the marriage, that he didn't, so you gave them up. Revisit them. Rebuild friendships that suffered due to marriage (we all have those).
In other words, leave him to his sleazy new life and build an awesome new life for yourself that he's not invited to share. That'll make you far more attractive than his sleazy OW. At some point he'll see her for what she is. After all, she's a cheating skank. All cheaters are skanks. You're too good to give your heart to a skank.
180 hard. Force yourself to GAL. Live for you. Do what you want. Do things with the kids. NEVER invite him. Plan birthdays, holidays, etc. with them and NOT him. After all, he doesn't want this family, he wants his sleazy new life. Let him have it.
I will make sure that is the way it was taken when I get chance.
No Don't!!! Go Dark, don't you dare ask him to make sure you didn't hurt his feelings... it's hard, but you need to start living like he is completely gone. You want to think of him like you do about the boyfriend you had before you met him..
It's hard, and I didn't get it until I moved out of state, but out of sight out of mind really is what you are striving for.
I just wanted to clarify, do NOT ask him if you hurt his feelings with the comment about the kids asking about him. Just leave it. And I also completely agree with what TxHubby wrote.
This morning I am angry. I haven't heard from him at all which shouldn't come as a surprise as he's been with OW so will be in complete euphoria. I am torturing myself with thoughts of where they were last night and what they did if he's in work or not, he's been using me as an excuse to get out of work so wouldn't surprise me if he's done that again.
It's tough, really sorry you're going through some anger. But you're spinning some wild scenarios there. Maybe he was with OW, or maybe he was sitting in a bar along crying in his beer. You really don't know. The real question is what you can do to change your focus from him to you. Give that some thought.
Also I agree with C-nut, you really need to shut down all contact with him except the bare minimum required for kid-related coordination.
Hey guys thanks for your comments. He called tonight to ask me how my meeting went at work and I was upbeat, obviously venting but not about him and our sitch about my boss's appalling treatment of me and he was like you deserve way more than this!
He started to lean slightly towards R more about he would make sure the kids were OK but I diverted and said I don't want to talk about that right now.....get me I literally high fived myself, lol.
I've been chatting to a new UK DBer today which has made me take the focus of myself a little and trying to support someone else in the same sitch is a good feeling.
My S wanted the icloud account password so he could download something so I told H to text it to him and I would let him know when he had done and then he needed to change it again. Really pleased with that as I do not want to be able to track him and he said he will do it. I said I needed to get on and he said OK 'Babe' message you later. OMG what is wrong with that man that would be what we would NORMALLY do and he knows I know he's off on a day out with (I like TX's name) Skank tomorrow!
Again really hungry this is amazing :-)
My friend came round to make sure I was OK and my other friend was texting worrying about me, I am so lucky but I also want some me time. So I have eaten again not particularly well but I've eaten and now I think I am going to get myself a very early night.
Hi TX thanks for stopping by. I agree with a lot of what you are saying and you are right I was a doormat, I thought I was doing the right thing but I should have kicked him out when he told me he would not stop A.
The only bit I'm struggling with is what to tell the kids. For me to totally do what you're suggesting they will have to know and the thought of that is killing me. I guess that's why I tried to carry on with him in the house as well as obviously hoping I could persuade him to change his mind.
I have tried to find your story but can't as I would like to read it. How can I find it?
I think I talked to him too much last night then didn't I. I should have just said yes fine and passed him over to the kids. Once he had spoken to them he wanted to speak to me again about some his car insurance which if he puts me on it will save him some money (well us ultimately because if he gets in debt it affects me and the kids). I sent him my details by text and he said he will sort it out.
OW is liking stuff on FB again, I've asked him twice to tell her not to this is not a game this is my life but she did it again last night and it's a photograph that my H's friend has tagged him in and was taken on the night we got engaged!!
Would it be wrong of me to text him and tell him to tell her to stop doing it?
I am actually fuming!!!!! He's filled his car up to take SKANK out for the day on our joint bank account when I have sorted out his own and his own credit card. How dare he!!!!!! I know I can't react now but please tell me it's OK to deduct this from his money when he gets paid on Friday and I have to give him what's left after the bills?
I've just emailed him the spread sheet with the bills breakdown. Now to wait for the repercussions he isn't going to happy. Hope they're not planning anywhere expensive this weekend
SJW, you're spinning.. your snooping on him, your tracking his movements and playing mind movies of worst possible scenarios. You really need to try and stop all of that, and keep your focus on you and your kids.
You do need to do things like communicate financials, but you want to try and not consider his reactions.. right now it's about you, not him.
Do me a favor, visit my thread, and read my last post, it's a quote from TXHubby on how his sitch played out. It dragged out for 2 years when he was doing what your doing, and the 3rd year he looked at himself, did what he needed to do and that's the year that his sitch turned around.
OW is liking stuff on FB again, I've asked him twice to tell her not to this is not a game this is my life but she did it again last night and it's a photograph that my H's friend has tagged him in and was taken on the night we got engaged!!
Would it be wrong of me to text him and tell him to tell her to stop doing it?
Yes it would be wrong for several reasons. One, you're separated. As far as he's concerned he's "free" and can do what he wants. Two, for you to tell him that you would be admitting to snooping on his FB page, which comes off as stalking behavior. That does not make you look attractive to him. Just let it go, I mean really, why do you give a crap who likes what on who's page on FB? That's not the real world
Oh gosh and I thought I was doing quite well. I sent the financials this afternoon and I am just trying to focus on getting the house sorted and my work situation. I spent a lot of time today trying to support Benni8 and look at others posts and read some more. Just got the kids in bed and going to do some paperwork
Coconut I am not snooping the joint bank account is my bank account I don't have another and he didn't until I set him one up last week. I was checking as I do every day and always have to make sure there is money in the bank for me and the kids. He's used that account card to fill his car up with fuel to take her out for the day which is not acceptable.
I am resigned to the fact that he doesn't want me or the life as a M man with me and his children he has completely disregarded them so he can 'get used to it'. It's easy for him to do that as they are so used to him being away they don't even ask. I am hurting I am disappointed, devastated for me and the kids, sad, angry, humiliated and he doesn't give a [censored] because 'she' makes him happy.
Sorry I've just got my eldest to bed and they are clueless and saying goodnight to my little man who looks so like his Daddy and absolutely adores him is breaking my heart.
I am literally holding this together by a cotton thread. I am the primary earner by a long way, we have a big mortgage, my car payment is ridiculous but with me working and us together we had enough for a good life. My job is gone my H is only interested in what he has left to spend on OW and my kids haven't got a clue and I want to keep them innocent for as long as possible but I can't do that. No matter how much pain I feel right now it is nothing compared to thought of the pain they are going to feel when he sits down in his euphoric state and tells then that we aren't going to be a family anymore. As a Mum you never ever want your children to experience any physical or emotional pain, I know you have to but when they cry you cry. In any other circumstances I can protect, rub it better, say the right thing to them but I can't protect them from this and it is tearing me apart.
I woke up this morning to the words I've been dreading D8 climbed into bed and said 'Where's Daddy?' and I had to lie, on exercise I said. My heart is breaking this morning
He's just responded to my email about finances.
Yeah think my pay my reasonable this month £xxish.
I'll sort the car insurance and phone today.
Yeah I can afford £xx a month for the car.
Thanks
Hey Bud,
Just having a read of your responses.
As you mentioned yesterday your situation is greatly different from mine due to kids and an obvious third party involvement.
The gut reaction, is usually the one you should go with, and my initial reaction when reading your updates are that you are probably getting a little too much involved (not saying it isnt hard) but I think currently for an obvious intelligent women, you are letting your emotions run a little wild at the minute.. especially with the facebook situation. Im here there if you need to chat
Hey Benni, sorry not stopped by today I'm having a bit of a down day. Just had to tell my cleaner of 4 years who I've know for 10 so is a friend as well that I can't afford to keep her on.
I haven't heard from work and I really need that bottomed out so I know what my next move is in terms of the house and whether I have to get another job straight away. There's just so much to think about.
What do you mean about getting a little too involved?
I've got my S's sports day this afternoon his last one at junior school. His Daddy could take a day off to spend with OW yesterday but not even considered taking time to watch his S. I know I shouldn't be thinking that but he's missed out on so many events over the years due to army commitments, tours, etc, you think he would want to when he can.
SJW, this is tough, there's no question of it. And I'm very sorry you're going through it. But you are focusing far too much on the broken pieces of your life instead of looking for the glue to mend it back together. It sounds like step one is finding another job. You can't depend on your H for income or emotional support or ANYTHING right now and probably for quite some time to come. He's off in MLCer lala land where everything is green fields and unicorns flying through clear blue skies pooping skittles all day. So grieve, but do try and turn your focus on YOU and getting down to the business of picking up the pieces. There are many strong women on these forums that were in the same place you were and rebuilt themselves into Super Women that can beat the world into submission with one hand tied behind their backs, and I see that exact same strength and determination in you. I have a feeling you are going to get your stuff together and never look back, and by the time your cheating sorry-ass excuse for a husband decides to come crawling back you won't know whether you even want him or not (and you definitely won't need him). You can do this.
Thanks AS. I have always said I don't need him, he threw that back at me when I kicked him out, but I don't need him. At the moment and you know how those moments change I don't even know if I want him.
With regards to my job I can't do anything as officially I'm still employed I am just waiting for either redundancy or a settlement agreement and believe you me if my boss has got any sense it will be a decent settlement agreement with a significant confidentiality clause. I am not saying that to be nasty, I have been treated appallingly for the past few months and redundancy is just a lame way of getting me out of the business but it doesn't give me much in the way of a financial settlement and boy have I earned it for what I have put in.
So as you can see I'm battling in more than one area of my life currently and need the work sitch resolved so I can then focus on what to next in terms of the house, another job, etc.
I'm not relying on H at all but he has to contribute to keep the kids home he is paying 50/50 which he is required to do legally. He has no expenses outside of this as his accommodation is free at work so all his money is for OW and Lala land.
I've also told my FA who is a very old friend to start moving my assets so if it comes to it H can't touch them. I already had a lot of financial stability when I met my H, he had nothing so I need to protect myself. See in my lucid moments I am thinking practically I just seem to post the emotional stuff on here.
This weekend me and the kids are going to have a great weekend. Although I know they'll be times when I cry when they're in bed and times when I drive myself nuts wondering where he has taken her and what they are doing, I will not allow these to be the defining moments of my weekend.
I have also contacted
SJW, this is tough, there's no question of it. And I'm very sorry you're going through it. But you are focusing far too much on the broken pieces of your life instead of looking for the glue to mend it back together. It sounds like step one is finding another job. You can't depend on your H for income or emotional support or ANYTHING right now and probably for quite some time to come. He's off in MLCer lala land where everything is green fields and unicorns flying through clear blue skies pooping skittles all day. So grieve, but do try and turn your focus on YOU and getting down to the business of picking up the pieces. There are many strong women on these forums that were in the same place you were and rebuilt themselves into Super Women that can beat the world into submission with one hand tied behind their backs, and I see that exact same strength and determination in you. I have a feeling you are going to get your stuff together and never look back, and by the time your cheating sorry-ass excuse for a husband decides to come crawling back you won't know whether you even want him or not (and you definitely won't need him). You can do this.
Brilliant..
Couldnt of said it better myself.
Sending you some UK power
My boy just smashed it at Sports Day very emotional as his last one at this school but serious proud Mummy moment. I love that kid with all my heart. 3 golds and 2 silvers!!!
H called about half an hour ago and I was getting the bins in and talking to my neighbour so missed the call. he then rang the house phone and I missed that too. S was in his room and DO watching TV and I had dinner on the go. I called him back and gave the phone straight to S who said 'Daddy can you track my phone I've lost it' he replied 'No I'm not doing it again' to which S said I'm playing FIFA talk later, huffy teenager who's nowhere near a teenager yet. H asked me if he's lost it again I said yes but it'll be in the house somewhere and passed the phone to DO. I heard her ask him where he was on exercise and when he would be back, I was busying myself making there dinner and didn't listen to anymore, S then came down and got back on the phone to H and started telling him about his sports day achievements.
They finished there convo and S hung up. 2 seconds later he calls back and asks me if I hung up or S, I said S and he was like thought he might have done did you go to sports day? I said yes he asked if it was raining I said no it was really cold but not raining. He then says that we didn't go on our day out yesterday because it was raining and I was like Oh what day out (he was supposed to be out with OW, told me Friday that he was taking the day off to take her out so why was he telling me they hadn't gone?). He says our Company day out to xxx theme park, I didn't say anything and he then said he just went for a few drinks with some of the guys from work last night. I had already said I was trying to do dinner could we talk later but he then said that he couldn't get his car insurance any cheaper and would have to find a way of paying me back (I paid £900 out of my savings for it). I said I would work out what it was over the year and split it over 12 months and deduct from his money tomorrow. he said well I'm not going to have much left so I said again I need to go I'm trying to get the kids dinner out. So he said OK 'Babe' (that really winds me up), I'll let you go.
Please tell me I actually got it right this time :-)
Text and asked when he told DO he's back he replied, Monday why, what do I say? S has asked him for Icloud password as his phone is locking out and it's on H's account so he's just text me and said I think you need to set S his own Icloud account as he's asking for the password everyday. I have no idea how to do this as I've never had an Iphone and surely I'll have to restore the phone to factory settings?? Any advice on all of the above and previous post?
Please tell me I actually got it right this time :-)
Yeah that all sounds pretty good!
And so he's text his bank details and said sorry forgot to send S the password will tomorrow be OK. I haven't replied no need to, I'll sort his phone out tomorrow. A couple of friends popped round and S was telling them about his sports day and we were dancing around the kitchen such a lovely evening :-)
Please start a new thread this one will lock shortly
How do I do that and link this one please?
And so he's text his bank details and said sorry forgot to send S the password will tomorrow be OK. I haven't replied no need to, I'll sort his phone out tomorrow.
That's fine, but when you have kids you do have to maintain a certain level of contact even if going dark. You still have to coordinate things and work out little issues like this one.
A couple of friends popped round and S was telling them about his sports day and we were dancing around the kitchen such a lovely evening :-)
Awesome, keep it up!
How do I do that and link this one please?
You're supposed to start a new thread when your thread reaches 100 posts which is about 10 pages. Start the new thread with the same title with "part 2" on the end of it. Put a link to this thread at the top of the new thread and a link here to the new thread.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2749123#Post2749123