Here is my situation. We've been married 13 years (actually, 13 years on May 1 this year). The past two years have been bad; we had not been intimate in 2 years until March this year. He has major alcohol/substance abuse problems, which were under control for a while, then in the past two years they got really bad. In January, he went on an antidepressant called Effexor for anxiety, and that seemed to trigger something in him. Drinking got way worse, he was up all night long playing pool on the phone (he never did this before, hated phone games), and stumbling around like a zombie all hours of the night cooking, urinating on himself, and generally doing strange things. One morning there was powdered sugar all over the place and he had no idea how that happened. In mid-February, he started texting a girl at work way too much. I found this out because on the night of 3/3, he went out to a bar and didn’t come home. I found the evidence of the texting while trying to find him. I don’t know what was in the texts, but he insists it wasn’t a thing and he never cheated on me. He finally stumbled in, still obviously drunk, slept for an hour and went to work. We had a fight that evening when he came home from work, and he said that he thought we should live separately for a while, because he no longer thought we were ‘in love’ and we needed to see if we’d miss each other, and started looking for apartments. We have 3 kids, one of mine (D18) that he adopted (which over the past couple of years has been an absolute hellion, and she and H have particularly butted heads), and 2 of his (D19 & S15). His have lived mostly with their mothers, and the 19 year old is now on her own, but have lived with us on and off over the years. I feel like as much of a mom to his as I do my own.
Over the month of March, it was a roller coaster. I had actually been pushing him away a lot up until then, and thought that I did want him gone, but when faced with him actually leaving, I wasn’t sure. We had ups and downs, some days hanging out like old times, sometimes crying fits from me and arguments, not much emotion from him (except anger). We were intimate 3 times in March. He still moved out on 4/3, into an apartment with his cousin and her son (she was facing foreclosure in Louisiana and needed a place to go, and had deposit money). She is an alcoholic too, so I don’t see much success happening with the apartment long term. He is from Louisiana, but didn’t choose to go live at her place to help her save her house; he stayed here in Alabama, about 15 minutes from me.
Since then, we haven’t had much contact. He picks up mail here and stuff like that about once a week. I read so much advice about no contact and stuff like that, and it made a lot of sense. I certainly accomplished nothing throughout March with all my contact. Up until 4/14, I was bawling crying pretty much every day, but I think I’m getting better now. I went to an Al-Anon meeting, and I’ve been just trying to work on myself, my school (I’m one semester away from a Masters), and do things that make me happy. I’m not interested in dating anyone as long as I am still married. Don’t know about him. I am cheerful and upbeat whenever we talk, and he does seem to respond to that.
I really don’t want to end the marriage, but I’m still kind of on the fence because of his issues. He would have to show improvement there – he was sober for 2 years a few years ago, and our relationship was wonderful. I miss that a lot. I think this may be a MLC (he’s about to be 42, I’m about to be 40) in addition to a drug/alcohol episode. I do know there are things that I have to change, not just to be happy with him if we do reconcile, but to be happy in general and able to have a good relationship with anyone in the future. I should be getting the DR book tomorrow, and the DB book next week or so from Amazon, and I’ve really been trying to learn from this situation.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I'm conflicted. I'd like to give you advice on how to save your marriage but honestly I don't think a marriage to this man is in your best interest. For your own mental and physical health I'd rather see you move on. You deserve so much better and I don't think he's capable of it. Good luck.
Sometimes I don't think it's in my best interest either, but I know there is a good person in there somewhere, and I love that person. This time apart is letting me reflect on that a bit, and I'm trying to figure out whether I want to save my marriage on principal, or because I want to be married to my H.
Hi BluMorn,
Welcome to the board. I'm an Alabama lady also!
I'm sorry you're in the situation you find yourself. Honestly, I don't know what to say. I'll let the experts and the veterans on here handle the advice part, but I just wanted to stop by and say welcome, and to encourage you to read all the things the Cadet suggested, the DB books, and other people's thread- they are very helpful too. The more you post on others' threads, the more they will get to know you, and you'll get more feedback that way. There are some good, kind people here, that will help you find your way. This place has saved me in some of my darkest days!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I really don’t want to end the marriage, but I’m still kind of on the fence because of his issues.
Hello bluMorn,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Al-Anon is an important resource. I'm glad you are involved. Are the kids involved too?
Don't be too hard on yourself regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them. Sure, leaving might seem easier, but it isn't. Leaving just creates a different set of issues. Speaking with one of our DB Coaches will help you clarify your goals.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I got the DR book in the mail today and started reading. I already relate to a lot of it!
BluMorn,
I am an alcoholic in recovery so I feel like even though I'm new I have a little something to offer here. Your husband will never be able to be a husband while he's in active addiction. No amount of work on the marriage will stick. Your husband has a disease, and if left untreated it is progressive. It never gets better, only worse. It negatively affects every aspect of your life, and is particularly destructive to relationships (see: my story/any AA meeting).
My advice to you is to invest heavily in Al-Anon, and get advice from program veterans on how to steer him towards treatment or a program of recovery. Once he gets sober, and gets his head clear, he'll be equipped to start working on himself and the relationship. But, until he's sober, getting him sober is the only thing that matters.
RunRec,
I think you are absolutely right; in fact, I think part of his reason for leaving is because he knew he was heading off the deep-end addiction-wise. He may have left to have the mother of all benders.
I have started going to Al-Anon - I should have gone a long time ago. H was in active recovery in NA a few years ago, but after two years of being completely clean, felt it would be ok to have a few beers again and it progressed from there. A lot of my current resentments started with those 'few beers', because I knew we would eventually end up here.
bluMorn,
Well, if he's hitting the end of the rope and going out for a major sendoff bender that could be a good sign. You sound like you have enough experience with the disease of addiction to know you can't always trust the signs, but a lot of times rock bottom is at the end of one last major bender. I'm also glad to hear he's already familiar with the program and has active recovery time. I'll keep praying that he remembers how good that felt. Retreads have a lot of success in the program.
Yesterday was our anniversary. I didn't acknowledge the day really, but I did text him and say 'Just checking in to say hi. Hope you are doing ok.', to which he replied 'Thank you. Doing okay. I hope that you are as well'. Other than that, we haven't had any contact since 4/23. I'm not going to initiate any more contact unless it's some sort of emergency.
I think I'm becoming more accepting of this situation. I know that right now, this is how it needs to be. If we reconcile at some point, we do both need to make some changes. I'm working on my side of the street, and doing my best to detach from his.
My H just stopped by out of the blue to get some things for his patio, and extra chair, his barbell, and his jerseys. I had the neighbors four insane kids over here (their babysitter was sick), so the whole scene was chaotic. He mentioned that he was going to come to my daughter's graduation, but not sit near us or let anyone see him. I was on the verge of tears the whole time. I've been trying so hard to detach, but just when I think I have, here come the tears again. I just can't believe he's so cavalier about everything, like we were just casual daters or something. The stuff for his patio he took from his 'man cave' here, and why would anyone need all their football jerseys in May. It just makes me feel like he's never coming back.
So this morning, some friends of ours message us on facebook saying they are having a last minute crawfish boil, and would like us to come if we are not busy. Of course, they don't know about the separation, and I was just agonizing about what to say (it was a group message, and I knew H had already seen the message too). A little while later he asked to see if I was going, that he was going and bringing my SS and nephew. I asked would you be okay with me going, and he said of course, so I said I was (I wanted to anyway). He said he'd be there about 5:30. I'm a little nervous because I have no idea how to act. I plan to get there earlier than him (he has work). These friends are a little older than us, and are great people, and I'd really love to get their advice on this.
Crawfish boil was interesting. Several times he told me he misses me, loves me, but still needs to have time on his own to experience supporting himself. He said that he would like for us to date in the future, but not the immediate future. He was also very drunk, so I took him to his apartment. He gave me the tour, and we talked some more, kissed some, and it was all very weird. My nephew and stepson were also there - stepson wound up coming home with me. I've never been so confused in my life.
I wouldn't put too much into it. H was drunk, which gives him an excuse to back track if you ask him about what he said later on. Though people tend to tell the truth when drunk, so those might be his true feelings. To me it sounds as if he is still interested. But has his own issues to get through. I guess it all depends on how patient your willing to be with him?
I don't plan on bringing up anything that was said. I am willing to be patient - not indefinitely I'm sure, but I think I can give him 6 months, a year at this point. His lease is for a year. I feel like he's having some sort of crisis - maybe MLC, maybe just alcohol/meds, something, so I'm chalking it up to in sickness and in health for the time being. Time will tell.
After NC since last Saturday, got a Happy Mother's Day text from him yesterday. I just responded 'thank you for thinking of me'. Spent most of the day at my parent's with family, that was fun. Work and Alanon today.
Just checking in - D18 graduated high school on Tuesday. H was there but didn't sit near us or anything (with over 300 graduates it was a crowded stadium). He did text that it made him very happy to see her graduate, and I said I appreciated him being there. He said he wouldn't have missed it.
She is my D that he adopted when she was 8. In the past couple of years, she has been quite a handful - not going to school, hanging out with boys all hours of the night. We had her put on probation, sent to 3 different facilities....it was a very hard road, and I thought she'd never graduate. Her and Hs relationship is all but dead due to her issues and his addiction issues. They have spewed a lot of anger towards each other. But, when I told her H was coming to the graduation, but not sitting near us, she thought that was stupid, that he should just sit by us. I didn't relay that information to him, because the seating thing was his idea and I wasn't going to try to change his mind.
He came to pick up mail the next morning, but we just exchanged pleasantries. Other than that, no contact. I have not been initiating at all. It's starting to get a little easier.
H came by this afternoon to give me some money for his car insurance and get some mail. It was pleasant enough, and he even expressed some stresses/frustrations about his living situation. I kept quiet about it and just smiled and nodded, which may be sort of a 180 for me, because I tended to tell him I told you so a lot or at least put in my 2 cents. I try very hard to have no expectations, but part of me just wants him to declare his undying love and say he wants to come back. Silly, I know. It really makes me see the importance of limited contact, because I'm a mess after every contact at this point! At least I don't let him see it too much, I hope.
Quick update:
My last post was on 5/20. I went dark and didn't hear from H till 5/28, when he asked if he could come by and get a propane tank. He had some friends in town, and they came with him. When they got here their (the friend's) kids all ran up to me and hugged me and the friends did too, and I didn't really interact much with H. I had been sad that weekend because I knew the friends were in town (they come every year and usually stay at this house), and I was feeling very left out. It helped a lot to know they still cared about me and weren't against me or anything.
Then I didn't hear from him till 6/6 - he texted me 'Can I call u?'. My heart dropped, thinking he's probably telling me he's got a new girlfriend, wants a divorce, whatever....I text back 'Sure'. I'm shaking when I answer the phone. He was really just telling me that he reordered his blood pressure meds and they said they had a card on file to charge, so he wanted to let me know that he'd give me the money for it. He also said he changed jobs - went from working at one restaurant to another. The restaurant he was working at was the one we met at when we both worked there - met in 1999 and I worked there till 2010 - he came and went a few times, but worked there for maybe 14-15 years in all. The restaurant he moved to is across the street, and staffed my many people who worked at the other one over the years and are friends to us. I wonder what he's told them about us. On one hand, I'm glad because the old restaurant was really going downhill and the money really was not there (he's a server), and the one he was texting with before BD works there, and he seemed to believe everyone there 'wanted him'. On the other hand, the one he was texting with is a manager, and I know fraternization is frowned upon - may make it easier to get to the next level. I haven't seen any proof that they are still talking or anything though. I really don't know and I try not to snoop, because I know it would just hurt me more.
He did sound kind of sad on the call (maybe just my imagination). He asked how I was doing, and told me to tell everyone hello, though I'm not sure who everyone is. It's just me, 3 dogs, and sometimes my D18 around here. He said he'd probably come by sometime this week to give me money for the car insurance and pick up mail.
H's blood pressure meds came in on 6/7, so I texted him that they were here, since I know he had run out or was close. His restaurant was closed today because it was struck by lightning the other night, so he came over and got them. He came in and sat down (he hasn't done that since he left, he'd always stand if he came in), and we talked for a good 30 minutes. He was telling me about the new restaurant job, and how he was making so much more money and how much he likes it. I expressed my happiness for him, and he talked about how his cousin was getting on his nerves (the one he lives with), and other small talk. He asked me how I was doing more than once, I said I was, not in an overly joyful way though. He asked about the family and my D, I assured him that she does not hate him (because I know that's not true - they have had issues but I know she loves him deep down). We talked about the water main I had to have repaired last week, and I told him that the plumber said next time there's a leak (it's happened 3 times), that if I dig the trench before he gets there, he'll replace the whole thing at a much lower price. H said that when I was ready to do that, he'd be happy to help. He seemed more normal and caring than I've seen him in a while. He pet the dogs and told them he missed them, and asked did they miss daddy.
It may mostly be because he was sober - he usually doesn't start getting loaded until the evening. Even when I texted him about the meds, he texted back more than he normally would - commenting that was fast and thanking me. I don't want to read anything into this though, keeping expectations low. He mentioned that maybe I could come to the restaurant for dinner sometime, and he could get me a discount. One of the managers (his supervisor and the one who talked him into working there) is actually a good friend of ours, he's my stepson's uncle and was the best man at our wedding - so he said that I would actually probably get the whole thing comped. I don't think I'll just show up there anytime, but if he specifically invited me (like come Thursday at 7 or whatever), I would go. There are a lot of our old friends that work there. He mentioned that people have been telling me that I had lost weight and was looking good, though I can't imagine who has seen me and said that. I really don't get out much.
Thank goodness I had just come back from AL-Anon when he came over - I was in a good frame of mind, and it really helped me keep my thoughts together and remember not to push or expect. He even gave me a hug before he left. I did well up a little at that, but didn't let it come out. I don't know if he noticed.
Then about 20 minutes after he left, he texted that it was good to see me. I answered that it was good to see him too, and good to talk for a while. He texted back I agree.
Later on Thursday, after he left here, he texted both Ds a picture of him and them, and I love you messages. My D18 was at the house when he did it, and asked what she should do. They have had the most trouble in the teen years, and have barely spoken in 2 years. I said just send a smiley face or something like that. She texted back 'thanks for coming to my graduation', and he texted back something like 'I wouldn't miss it and congratulations'. That's the last I heard from that conversation.
His D, who lies in Louisiana, called me and said that he texted her too, and she wasn't going to answer him. She is mad at him because the day he moved out, he withdrew 400 from an account she has that he was the adult on (she got it when she was 17 so needed an adult on it too). He put it back a couple hours later, but she was extremely mad that he didn't tell her. She closed that account and opened one on her own since she is now 19. I don't think she's talked to him since, but I've talked to her a couple times. I try to let both girls know that he's not himself right now and to not get too mad at him.
This morning, I see that H was on FB at 2am, and he posted and tagged all 3 kids in posts (1 picture for each kid) and tagged them (he tagged me in the one of D18 - she blocked him on FB a while back). The other one is a S15; he has stayed the closest, mostly because he's not nearly as emotional about things as the girls, but even he has pulled away some. H hasn't posted anything on FB in months. He may be getting emotional because of Father's Day coming up - he mentioned Thursday that S15 would be with him that day, but he doubted the girls would even text him.
Him posting this stuff at 2am also tells me he's probably still staying up all night drinking, and of course, he's more emotional when drinking. I think he's losing his mind sometimes.
It's so sad how addiction destroys lives. I don't have any advice, but I wanted to give you my support, you sound like a strong woman with a good head on your shoulders, and you will get through this...
Not much to report. H and I still interact on average once a week, and interactions are pleasant, if superficial. I live in coastal Alabama, so we've been getting tons of rain. My yard is known to flood in a heartbeat, and in April 2014, there was a really bad rain and the house got flooded. We had to replace all the carpet. So, TS Cindy's bands have been dumping rain on us, and I was curious as to whether H would even worry about me or the house. Lo and behold, he just texted me to ask if I was doing ok with the rain, and hoping there wasn't any flooding. He even mentioned the dogs, who freak out over rain/bad weather. I said so far so good, and that I was using the rain to fill my pool. He said good, and I didn't text back after that.
Again, feels good to know he at least cares a little, but I really don't feel that he's getting any closer to me. One thing to note - he has been taking 75 mg effexor since Jan 3. Last week, he went to the dr and asked to get off of it because of side effects. They gave him 37.5 mg effexor and 10 mg prozac - he's supposed to take both for 14 days, then just the prozac for two more weeks, then come off that. Effexor has really bad withdrawal symptoms, so that's the reason for this. He has tried alternating days, which is what the last dr told him to do, but he couldn't handle the withdrawal. And this is someone who has withdrawn from heroin before (before I met him). The new dr (old dr was no longer there) suggested bridging with prozac. I hope it works for him.
Although looking back, I think he may have been in crisis for the last 2.5 years, his really erratic behavior didn't start until he started taking the effexor, and while he's always been an alcoholic, he became an insatiable drinker on the effexor. I'm wondering if this change will have any effect on how he feels and how much he reaches out. If he started taking the lower dose when he filled the prescription, he would be 7 days in. It'll be interesting to see.
Hi Blumorn,
I'm in AL also, and you are so right about the rain. Good grief, my whole yard is underwater! Not good for lifting the spirits, right?
Well, we are into month 3 of separation. Lat Wednesday, I got a text from H that said 'Thinking of you'. I just sent back a smiley face. The next day, I got a text that said 'Been off the Effexor for 2 weeks now and missing you like crazy'. I texted back I miss you too, and I'm glad you're off that stuff'. He said 'I do love you and I'm sorry. Glad to be off too'. I answered 'I love you too'. Then he came by to get mail Saturday. He was a little rushed, had to be at work in 15 minutes, but we chatted pleasantly. No mention of anything R-related though. And I've heard nothing since. I'm really confused.