Friends,
Thank you all for compassion and support you have shown over the last couple of weeks.
I'm continuing my journey with you all on this new thread. The start of my story can be found here
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2733978#Post2733978
I will be following along! hoping for the best for you, whatever that turns out to be. reading all these stories helps me to cope. my day started out not so great, and ended not so bad. its getting better for me by the day, despite my H's weird, up and down behavior.
OwnIt,
thanks again for your sound and hard-hitting advice. I read your words quite a few times before they managed to sink in. I will keep revisiting them. It is an inward battle between my heart and mind and everyday there seems to be different winner. It is starting to get extremely difficult to not see her as the other side one minute and my wife/lover/best-friend the next. But, I'm doing my best to take my emotions out of the sitch as I know that will not help matters.
I've GD for over two weeks now. NC from her either - I sometimes wonder if she is actually using the GD stratagem on me! Nothing - except for that message which I mentioned earlier. I know you suggested I should've responded as I would to a neighbour but, I personally felt I left it too late and it would have been awkward after a few days had passed. I don't know if I made the right call there. I really don't.
One of my chief concerns is that she has surrounded herself with her mother and new and old friends that will reinforce her decision and encourage her to move on, live her life, explore the greener grass - even if she is not really technically in that frame of mind. Yes, I suddenly do not have a lot of well-wishers in this. My biggest fear - based on how planned and calculated her 'exit strategy' was - is that she actually DOES want to move on. I cannot see why else she would block me on Instagram if not to hide what a dandy old time she is having? I know I can't control this but, I find it extremely painful to bear. It is as if she took a pair of scissors and cut me out of her life. Nevertheless, these words of yours keep ringing in my ears so I will do my best to '...be her lighthouse. Be where she left you (but a stronger, calmer and happier you). Be bright and strong and reliable. Be kind and loving (from afar). Let her decide how close to shore she can risk coming.' Though I can't sometimes help feel like a right mug about it.
I read your post again on how to handle dealing with common friends - as I really need to reach out to a couple in the next few days on matters completely unrelated. What is your opinion if they bring it up and it becomes apparent that they have already picked her side? Should I then get my side of the story out? Or still take the high road? I honestly don't want to play these games but, the way I've been treated so far, I don't really know what to expect from anyone.
Edit - this reply is to Ownit - Cadet
Sunmoon, thanks for your words of encouragement. I don't know what I'd do without this forum and all you great folks here. I'm really glad to hear that things are getting better for you. Really hope some that magic rubs of on me too - I could really use it.
One of my chief concerns is that she has surrounded herself with her mother and new and old friends that will reinforce her decision and encourage her to move on, live her life, explore the greener grass - even if she is not really technically in that frame of mind. Yes, I suddenly do not have a lot of well-wishers in this. My biggest fear - based on how planned and calculated her 'exit strategy' was - is that she actually DOES want to move on. I cannot see why else she would block me on Instagram if not to hide what a dandy old time she is having? I know I can't control this but, I find it extremely painful to bear. It is as if she took a pair of scissors and cut me out of her life. Nevertheless, these words of yours keep ringing in my ears so I will do my best to '...be her lighthouse. Be where she left you (but a stronger, calmer and happier you). Be bright and strong and reliable. Be kind and loving (from afar). Let her decide how close to shore she can risk coming.' Though I can't sometimes help feel like a right mug about it.
Mine did the same thing - they all do that...surround themselves with people who validate their decision. Do you think they'd rather be with people who say its a bad idea? No, they don't. They hear what they want to.
Now, don't worry about the reasons for her blocking you. I assure you it isn't to keep you from seeing how "good" of a time she is having. More likely that she wants nothing to do with you seeing it...and maybe even the relationship. In the grand scheme of things, does it matter why?
Remember the butterfly analogy that I use so often? See, think of your wife/marriage as a butterfly. What happens when you squeeze it in your hand? Kills it, right? So, what's best for the butterfly? Yep - it needs fly...fly away and do what it needs to do. Its up to you to provide a safe space to land on. If - and that's a big IF - she chooses to alight again on your opened hand, then that's great. But, if she chooses not to, then you best be ready to fully grasp and live with that.
Now, don't worry about the reasons for her blocking you. I assure you it isn't to keep you from seeing how "good" of a time she is having. More likely that she wants nothing to do with you seeing it...and maybe even the relationship. In the grand scheme of things, does it matter why?
I guess then I'd know for sure that she is not in slightest affected by all this and has moved on. It would allow me to shut the book on her. Definitively. Who knows?
Remember the butterfly analogy that I use so often? See, think of your wife/marriage as a butterfly. What happens when you squeeze it in your hand? Kills it, right? So, what's best for the butterfly? Yep - it needs fly...fly away and do what it needs to do. Its up to you to provide a safe space to land on. If - and that's a big IF - she chooses to alight again on your opened hand, then that's great. But, if she chooses not to, then you best be ready to fully grasp and live with that.
Really crushing my hope with this bit. Perhaps it's what I need to hear now.
I guess then I'd know for sure that she is not in slightest affected by all this and has moved on. It would allow me to shut the book on her. Definitively. Who knows?
The thing is, by looking at her stuff you are going down a dark, dark path. Been there. And it [censored].
Really crushing my hope with this bit. Perhaps it's what I need to hear now.
Not meaning to, but its the only option.
Jeep74, I just realised I'm not aware of your story-did you manage to save your marriage?
Jeep74, I just realised I'm not aware of your story-did you manage to save your marriage?
No, man. Divorced almost two weeks ago to the day...
Jeep74, I just realised I'm not aware of your story-did you manage to save your marriage?
No, man. Divorced almost two weeks ago to the day...
Sorry to hear that Jeep74. The fact that your here must mean you gave it all you got from your end.
Did you often say to yourself 'after all I've done for you, you don't want to save our marriage? Well, screw you then. You don't deserve me.'
Sorry to hear that Jeep74. The fact that your here must mean you gave it all you got from your end.
Thanks, my friend. I gave it all and then some. And probably a lot more than I should have, honestly. I know now that there never was a chance of saving the marriage. Too many things, combined with her abusive past, made sure that she was done. Oh well, it is what it is. At least we made it 10 years, you know?
Did you often say to yourself 'after all I've done for you, you don't want to save our marriage? Well, screw you then. You don't deserve me.'
Haha. Yes I did. Just not as eloquently as you.
Jbroken, blocking you from her instagram is probably did you a favor. I got rid of my facebook last year but my h still has his. I do have instagram but he doesn't. so if we were to end, I think It would be easier for me just to not return to facebook for a while. For me, seeing him with another woman would send me into a dark place. In my last serious relationship before my h, I kept him off all of my social media (facebook wasnt as popular back then, it was myspace, I just totally dated myself. haha) and it seemed to help. after I was over him and had moved on, it wasn't a problem being friends on social media. you need time to heal that gaping wound. All I keep thinking about is how awkward its going to be with mutual friends. we don't live in an enormous town, and our families are sort of intertwined in a sense also. it's just going to be hard for me to cope with that. very hard.
ps- always looking for like minded people on instagram! It's my socialization- from afar. LOL (introvert joke)
Jeep74, you are wise, sir. I can only hope that I have the courage you have to get through this possible impending doom. I am sorry that your marriage didn't work out. I am preparing myself for the break...I've reached out to family, finally, after not wanting to tell them for fear of judgement or taking sides. I even told his parents, as they did not know. My sisters live within 5 minutes of my house and both have opened their doors to me if I had to leave. So, I'm feeling a bit more secure in a sense that I won't be alone in this if something happens. It gives me a little assurance, although I hope it doesn't come down to that.
Jeep74, you are wise, sir. I can only hope that I have the courage you have to get through this possible impending doom. I am sorry that your marriage didn't work out. I am preparing myself for the break...I've reached out to family, finally, after not wanting to tell them for fear of judgement or taking sides. I even told his parents, as they did not know. My sisters live within 5 minutes of my house and both have opened their doors to me if I had to leave. So, I'm feeling a bit more secure in a sense that I won't be alone in this if something happens. It gives me a little assurance, although I hope it doesn't come down to that.
Thank you, Sunmoon, for the kind words.
I'm going to be honest - it was hard, as hard as hell. I fought for much longer than I should have, but then again, I also was fighting to keep us intact for the kids. Had we not had kids, things would have been done a long time ago. Not many will want to hear this, but preparing yourself for the impending break is a wise decision...just another way of saying that you are working on yourself.
Reaching out was a wise, wise decision. They can - and will - be there. Blood is always thicker than water...and don't ever forget that. I also was the one to break the news to her mom and stepdad. I got called all kinds of names for that. Oh well, chalk another one up to experience. Just be VERY careful as to what you say to his family...honestly, I would refrain from talking any about the situation. Been there, done that.
You are doing well! Keep it up!
his parents were very receptive. i didn't throw him under the bus, if anything I threw myself under. they love me and said that I can go to them anytime, for anything. I made his mom cry and his dad was shocked. His mom had admitted that her son is not perfect and not to blame myself, that he had a part in this too. they let me know they wouldn't say anything to him unless he came to them. I was shocked to know that he hadn't told them yet.
jbroken, a little bit of my own sitch here to perhaps give some peace. Mine blocked me on FB the moment he moved out and changed it so even basic stuff like where he lived and worked could only be seen by his friends. His OW had already blocked me and my daughter. This was in Oct. At a later date he blocked my daughter and then eventually refriended her. She would tell me about his kooky posts (even when I asked her not to). A few weeks ago my D says that the OW has now unblocked her. I panic, I tell myself that this is because they are getting serious and she is now envisioning herself as my D's stepmom (amazing the stories we can construct for ourselves). I check and see she also unblocked me (I've never met the woman or said or done anything about her. I think she was finally just done with him and was not concerned I would do anything to her). I keep checking every week or so. About 2 weeks later my H suddenly unblocks me. Then a week later I notice that his profile is now 100% public for the first time ever. It has remained that way for the last month or so. Point, these people are nuts. Ignore it and as Sunmoon says, be grateful you don't have to see her with another man (mine never posts pics of himself or mentions other people).
I may differ from some here, but I would never communicate with anyone but my very closest friends and family (those I lean for support) about him or anything he has done. I think it is disrespectful and violative (even if she is doing it). I plan to take the high road to the bitter end and beyond. You do not need to get your "story" out there. People believe what they are told. Then, over time they start to notice the discrepancies in those stories. Far better for them to put together that her stories don't add up than for you to say it. They will just think less of you for doing it. Let the word get back that you are kind and decent and polite, and letting go. Let her wonder why you aren't losing it and spewing (you seem like an emotional guy and she may be expecting that, so give her something other than what she expects).
Stop worrying about who is on whose side, what X or Y believes. All that matters is what you know and believe. Focus your battles on you and your peace of mind.
his parents were very receptive. i didn't throw him under the bus, if anything I threw myself under. they love me and said that I can go to them anytime, for anything. I made his mom cry and his dad was shocked. His mom had admitted that her son is not perfect and not to blame myself, that he had a part in this too. they let me know they wouldn't say anything to him unless he came to them. I was shocked to know that he hadn't told them yet.
You did good. Like yours, mine didn't know at six months after the BD. Six months. And once it came to light, she lied and lied and lied. And then lied some more. Don't beat yourself up over his choices. You are awesome!
jbroken, a little bit of my own sitch here to perhaps give some peace. Mine blocked me on FB the moment he moved out and changed it so even basic stuff like where he lived and worked could only be seen by his friends. His OW had already blocked me and my daughter. This was in Oct. At a later date he blocked my daughter and then eventually refriended her. She would tell me about his kooky posts (even when I asked her not to). A few weeks ago my D says that the OW has now unblocked her. I panic, I tell myself that this is because they are getting serious and she is now envisioning herself as my D's stepmom (amazing the stories we can construct for ourselves). I check and see she also unblocked me (I've never met the woman or said or done anything about her. I think she was finally just done with him and was not concerned I would do anything to her). I keep checking every week or so. About 2 weeks later my H suddenly unblocks me. Then a week later I notice that his profile is now 100% public for the first time ever. It has remained that way for the last month or so. Point, these people are nuts. Ignore it and as Sunmoon says, be grateful you don't have to see her with another man (mine never posts pics of himself or mentions other people).
I don't think it's about OM in the picture. Her hometown is too small for it not to be noticed. It would get back to me. But, as all this has happened, who really knows? The mind boggles.
I may differ from some here, but I would never communicate with anyone but my very closest friends and family (those I lean for support) about him or anything he has done. I think it is disrespectful and violative (even if she is doing it). I plan to take the high road to the bitter end and beyond. You do not need to get your "story" out there. People believe what they are told. Then, over time they start to notice the discrepancies in those stories. Far better for them to put together that her stories don't add up than for you to say it. They will just think less of you for doing it. Let the word get back that you are kind and decent and polite, and letting go. Let her wonder why you aren't losing it and spewing (you seem like an emotional guy and she may be expecting that, so give her something other than what she expects).
I've only shared all this with one close friend - for now my ONLY friend. Nothing on our issues and troubles as such. I was just honest about what has happened and how she has left. That's it. I didn't lose it or become bitter either. Maybe in parts but more at the situation rather than my W. But, yes, I intend to take the high road with common friends as per your suggestion. I think that's the right move.
Stop worrying about who is on whose side, what X or Y believes. All that matters is what you know and believe. Focus your battles on you and your peace of mind.
A very strong point.
I don't think it's about OM in the picture. Her hometown is too small for it not to be noticed. It would get back to me. But, as all this has happened, who really knows? The mind boggles.
You'd be surprised, sir...
[quote]You'd be surprised, sir...
Was it so in your case? I'm sorry I haven't managed to read through thread as yet so not aware of your sitch.
Do you see any particular signs here pointing to OM? That's the deal-breaker for me. No question.
Yes
I didn't see any signs because they hid it very, very well. Expert like, well... My suspicions started when I found the same number twice - once in the car and the second in a notebook with designs drawn around it. I researched and found the name...it was the OM. But no proof, really. It wasn't until a month or two later that the first trick of mine got to admit that she had been talking to him. But, like a fool, I believed that they were done. Still, my gut was telling me something wasn't right. No proof..until the OMs wife called. And then Boom...
wow. Now I'm beginning to wonder. I don't check my h's social media accounts, phone, etc. to give him his privacy. maybe I've been dumb all along....
I'm not going to say not too, but I did. And it worked..
Yes
I didn't see any signs because they hid it very, very well. Expert like, well... My suspicions started when I found the same number twice - once in the car and the second in a notebook with designs drawn around it. I researched and found the name...it was the OM. But no proof, really. It wasn't until a month or two later that the first trick of mine got to admit that she had been talking to him. But, like a fool, I believed that they were done. Still, my gut was telling me something wasn't right. No proof..until the OMs wife called. And then Boom...
Sorry to hear that Jeep74. I commend you on moving past that and still trying to save your marriage and family. I really do.
I'm afraid there is no way I can really find out now as she has moved out and is another country altogether.
Folks,
So the W changes her profile picture this morning on FB. Looking fantastic. I'm so sad and disappointed how all this has not affected her at all. To not even care how parading yourself around all happy and doing so well - in 3 weeks that too - would hurt me and my family. How forgone and hard-hearted do you have to be to have no shame or compassion for another's pain. And I'm not following her on FB - my settings are the same as they were so it just shows up in my News Feed. I continue my activities as normally do. The fact that all common friends are liking it and making comments is making me unsure as to whether I can even approach them as I needed to on unrelated matters. I guess I will know from the way they behave with me what corner they are in. I will still take the high road in the end.
Nevertheless that 'hope' you all mentioned that I should let of go of - it is slowly starting to die. I don't think anyone who loves you or ever did can be so cruel.
you never did answer the question. Have you read DB or D R?
Folks,
So the W changes her profile picture this morning on FB. Looking fantastic. I'm so sad and disappointed how all this has not affected her at all. To not even care how parading yourself around all happy and doing so well - in 3 weeks that too - would hurt me and my family. How forgone and hard-hearted do you have to be to have no shame or compassion for another's pain. And I'm not following her on FB - my settings are the same as they were so it just shows up in my News Feed. I continue my activities as normally do. The fact that all common friends are liking it and making comments is making me unsure as to whether I can even approach them as I needed to on unrelated matters. I guess I will know from the way they behave with me what corner they are in. I will still take the high road in the end.
Nevertheless that 'hope' you all mentioned that I should let of go of - it is slowly starting to die. I don't think anyone who loves you or ever did can be so cruel.
We all wonder that, my friend. However, when people want out of a relationship, they do whatever They can. You can still remain friends with her on FB, but you should unfollow her ASAP. defriend is even better.
you never did answer the question. Have you read DB or D R?
Not yet. My copy of DR is out for delivery - so should be arriving today or tomorrow at the latest.
We all wonder that, my friend. However, when people want out of a relationship, they do whatever They can. You can still remain friends with her on FB, but you should unfollow her ASAP. defriend is even better.
Yes, I'm sure of it. Why not just serve the papers and get the D started then. Why this kind of behaviour? It is sadistic.
I will unfollow her on FB. Though I'm not sure why I should defriend her? She walked out, wants out and has given up so let her defriend me if she wants.
There are a myriad of reasons they don't serve first. And I'm sure you'll get plenty of assumptions as to why on here. Makes no difference, really. It is what it is.
Why not defriend her? Why keep her on there and hold onto straws?
So you reckon all this is to push me to make a move i.e. to serve first? I can't say that hasn't come to mind.
I'm sticking to the advice I've received from folks here - GD and NC. I believe part of that is keeping things normal and as is for e.g. on social media? Let her make the moves and play games? Or am I mistaken?
So the W changes her profile picture this morning on FB. Looking fantastic. I'm so sad and disappointed how all this has not affected her at all. To not even care how parading yourself around all happy and doing so well - in 3 weeks that too - would hurt me and my family. How forgone and hard-hearted do you have to be to have no shame or compassion for another's pain.
I don't think anyone who loves you or ever did can be so cruel.
Seriously? She posted a picture of herself on facebook. Its not like shes going to post a picture of herself crying into a tub of ice cream. People put what they want to world to see of them on FB.
Unfollow her and move forward with your life. I see this as a non-event. It by no means seems cruel or an attack on you or your family.
Think of it like this: To her, you were the source of all of her unhappiness, all of her problems. Now that she is free from you, she sure as heck had better be happy to make it worth all of the trouble/effort of leaving you. She likely isnt going to see after 3 weeks that the grass isnt greener. This will take time. Youre going to have to dig deep for patience you never knew you had. Get her feed out of your feed and you wont have to subject yourself to her posts.
I believe part of that is keeping things normal and as is for e.g. on social media? Let her make the moves and play games? Or am I mistaken?
I never bothered to unfriend my ex. But I did unfollow so I didnt have to see any of the pictures or things that got posted.
Unfollow her even if you can't bring yourself to unfriend her. No good can come out of you seeing her "happy" photos on social media. None. None.
so sorry. I feel your pain. that hope that you speak of that is dying...I feel it here too. I've decided to let go, as much as I can, while still living with him. It's torture. we had a conversation last night and I had to hear those heart wrenching words from him once again, the "I'm confused and I don't have feelings for you right now" line. ouch. ouch. ouch. At a certain degree, I'm almost jealous that you can at least be away from her at this point, I know that sounds really bad. I am debating leaving, staying with my sisters for a few days, to let him sit with his feelings. He understands my pain - and every time I tried telling him or throwing out the phrase "i Just don't know" he would say "what do you mean you don't know?" almost like he was scared that I am getting to end of my rope with all this. he said he has been doing a little bit of reading on his end, and he did set up a counseling appointment for just himself with our therapist. He said he doesn't know how to reconnect with me. I threw out a bunch of ways, he still didn't seem receptive. so I give up. he's gonna have to come to me on his own accord, I need to take care of myself at this point.
Hang in there Jbroken, I'm rooting for you over here in the USA...there is always light after the darkness. You will get through this.
I believe part of that is keeping things normal and as is for e.g. on social media? Let her make the moves and play games? Or am I mistaken?
I never bothered to unfriend my ex. But I did unfollow so I didnt have to see any of the pictures or things that got posted.
I will unfollow her that's for sure.
Unfollow her even if you can't bring yourself to unfriend her. No good can come out of you seeing her "happy" photos on social media. None. None.
Unfriending would show her that I'm bothered - well I am of course but she doesn't know that does she? Besides wouldn't that be sort of a door slam and counter productive to the sitch?
Definitely not following her - that's for sure.
so sorry. I feel your pain. that hope that you speak of that is dying...I feel it here too. I've decided to let go, as much as I can, while still living with him. It's torture. we had a conversation last night and I had to hear those heart wrenching words from him once again, the "I'm confused and I don't have feelings for you right now" line. ouch. ouch. ouch. At a certain degree, I'm almost jealous that you can at least be away from her at this point, I know that sounds really bad. I am debating leaving, staying with my sisters for a few days, to let him sit with his feelings. He understands my pain - and every time I tried telling him or throwing out the phrase "i Just don't know" he would say "what do you mean you don't know?" almost like he was scared that I am getting to end of my rope with all this. he said he has been doing a little bit of reading on his end, and he did set up a counseling appointment for just himself with our therapist. He said he doesn't know how to reconnect with me. I threw out a bunch of ways, he still didn't seem receptive. so I give up. he's gonna have to come to me on his own accord, I need to take care of myself at this point.
Sorry to hear on how things are moving for you. But, I do feel you are making the right moves for this phase in your sitch.
Hang in there Jbroken, I'm rooting for you over here in the USA...there is always light after the darkness. You will get through this.
I know I will get through this - I just can't see the destination. Read a quote by Rumi today that touched my heart 'Through love, all pain will turn to medicine.'
Mine deleted all of my family and friends form her FB and changed her name (took off my last name). At first, I was kinda mad, but you got to let go at some point.
Unfollow her and don't worry about what she is posting. Will do you no good to see those things.
Not only that, but mine deleted mutual friends....
Mine deleted all of my family and friends form her FB and changed her name (took off my last name). At first, I was kinda mad, but you got to let go at some point.
Was this even before the divorce? Sorry, I'm presuming this was the outcome?
Unfollow her and don't worry about what she is posting. Will do you no good to see those things.
On it.
Mine deleted all of my family and friends from her FB and changed her name (took off my last name).
Mine deleted me from the marriage and penciled-in some guy that looks and acts like Homer Simpson. Just think how that feels; I was replaced by Homer Simpson. Just thinking about it makes me feel animated.
Was this even before the divorce? Sorry, I'm presuming this was the outcome?
No need to be sorry, but one thing you will have to realize... When they are done, they are done. Actions like this gave me no hope of reconcile so I was not surprised she did things like this. D hasn't even started, but this was before she filed.
It sucked at the time, but again....what are you going to do. I deleted her from mine and have no desire to see hers. If it bothers you to see hers then def unfollow. Move on and don't worry about if your current sitch is affecting her or not. I know, its bad cause you want them to feel just as sh**** as you do, but you can't control their feelings so don't waste your time trying.
No need to be sorry, but one thing you will have to realize...When they are done, they are done.
Absolutely crushing words SAL27. Brutal.
No need to be sorry, but one thing you will have to realize...When they are done, they are done.
Absolutely crushing words SAL27. Brutal.
I disagree with them as written. Think about being hungry. You eat as much as you want. Then at some point, you are 'done'. But, you will get hungry again.
But for now, the more food you shove in her face, the more she will be forced to push it away.
So back off, and make sure that you are the person you want to be if she does become interested again.
Love this way of thinking about the situation Kaizen.
May get hungry again, but that hunger will be satisfied by another food. When they are done, they are done.
May get hungry again, but that hunger will be satisfied by another food. When they are done, they are done.
To me, this sounds like a jaded opinion of someone whose spouse chose a different food.
They might, they might not. Thats not in our control. What we can control is what we look like in case they show interest. Id say that there is plenty of empirical evidence that reconciliation is possible after a spouse is 'done'. Doesnt mean its likely; but I would say it's possible. Unfortunately you wont know if it will happen for YOU in your sitch until it actually happens.
Jaded or not, it is what it is. False hope is worse than the truth, no matter how brutal it is. If that person chooses to return in the future, then that's all fine and dandy, but living on the hopes of they might is self-destructive.
I disagree with them as written. Think about being hungry. You eat as much as you want. Then at some point, you are 'done'. But, you will get hungry again.
But for now, the more food you shove in her face, the more she will be forced to push it away.
So back off, and make sure that you are the person you want to be if she does become interested again.
The way I'm feeling today, these words are lot easier to digest Kaizen.
Jaded or not, it is what it is. False hope is worse than the truth, no matter how brutal it is. If that person chooses to return in the future, then that's all fine and dandy, but living on the hopes of they might is self-destructive.
I get you too Jeep74, I do. Your words are just harsher to take in. But, I understand the meaning behind them.
Kaizen and Jeep both have great points. Good to keep being reminded that we LBSs nees to be the best person possible for 'if' the WAS comes back. And "if" is the key word and shouldn't be expected.
so sorry. I feel your pain. that hope that you speak of that is dying...I feel it here too. I've decided to let go, as much as I can, while still living with him. It's torture. we had a conversation last night and I had to hear those heart wrenching words from him once again, the "I'm confused and I don't have feelings for you right now" line. ouch. ouch. ouch. At a certain degree, I'm almost jealous that you can at least be away from her at this point, I know that sounds really bad. I am debating leaving, staying with my sisters for a few days, to let him sit with his feelings. He understands my pain - and every time I tried telling him or throwing out the phrase "i Just don't know" he would say "what do you mean you don't know?" almost like he was scared that I am getting to end of my rope with all this. he said he has been doing a little bit of reading on his end, and he did set up a counseling appointment for just himself with our therapist. He said he doesn't know how to reconnect with me. I threw out a bunch of ways, he still didn't seem receptive. so I give up. he's gonna have to come to me on his own accord, I need to take care of myself at this point.
Sorry to hear on how things are moving for you. But, I do feel you are making the right moves for this phase in your sitch.
Hang in there Jbroken, I'm rooting for you over here in the USA...there is always light after the darkness. You will get through this.
I know I will get through this - I just can't see the destination. Read a quote by Rumi today that touched my heart 'Through love, all pain will turn to medicine.'
In the words of my most favorite musician- "find your medicine and use it" -Nahko and Medicine for the People
I am taking those words to heart tonight, as I am choosing to let go and let it be how its going to be. Long talk with my sister tonight that made everything so clear. no longer going to be his doormat.
In the words of my most favorite musician- "find your medicine and use it" -Nahko and Medicine for the People
I am taking those words to heart tonight, as I am choosing to let go and let it be how its going to be. Long talk with my sister tonight that made everything so clear. no longer going to be his doormat.
Nice words Sunmoon. You hang in there too and be strong. Rooting for you.
I am taking those words to heart tonight, as I am choosing to let go and let it be how its going to be. Long talk with my sister tonight that made everything so clear. no longer going to be his doormat.
Good for you, Sunmoon!
Friends,
I started today with a PMA but, have been slipping in and out of the abyss.
My W has literally taken my entire world with her - not a single common friend of ours has come forward to offer any sort of compassion. It's like she took a pair of scissors and just cut me out of my life. I made her my world and she took mine away with her. I guess I keep suddenly realising how alone I am at this very moment.
My W has literally taken my entire world with her - not a single common friend of ours has come forward to offer any sort of compassion. It's like she took a pair of scissors and just cut me out of my life. I made her my world and she took mine away with her. I guess I keep suddenly realising how alone I am at this very moment.
Man, I'm so sorry. I know the feeling - mine did the same thing. Just like I didn't exist. But you know something? That's OK now. Took me a while to see the light and I'm much better for it.
As I told Sun, the sun will always rise. And so will you. You'll come out of this a much stronger jbroken...what other choice do you have? You have this, my friend. I'm here if you need me - and you know how to find me. Fair winds and following seas, my friend.
False hope is worse than the truth, no matter how brutal it is. If that person chooses to return in the future, then that's all fine and dandy, but living on the hopes of they might is self-destructive.
On some level, I do agree with this. My feeling is that theres no harm done in leaving a door open for the WS to potentially walk back through later. The destructive behavior is sitting around waiting for that to happen.
In other words, lets say its a nice, sunny Sunday afternoon. Sitting in the living room all day staring at the open door, hoping the WS comes in is I think what you are describing. I agree, thats not healthy behavior. I would go so far as to say that staying home in the off chance that WS comes is also destructive. But, if you plan your day as you wish - maybe planting flowers, then going out for some lunch, and so on and so forth with the door open is OK.
However long you leave the door open is your choice. The key is to be able to leave the door open without focusing on whether or not she has walked through it.
I can understand that and agree totally. In my case, the door would remain open if she sought the help she needs. And there is that matter of trust...She broke my cardinal rule and I'm not sure that's recoverable.
Man, I'm so sorry. I know the feeling - mine did the same thing. Just like I didn't exist. But you know something? That's OK now. Took me a while to see the light and I'm much better for it.
That's what I can't get over I guess - why this way? Why could she have not this amicably, with some compassion, respect - I spent twelve years with her - her best friend, lover, husband. Why would you want to hurt me and be so brutal? Isn't it sadistic? Like something is dead inside her.
As I told Sun, the sun will always rise. And so will you. You'll come out of this a much stronger jbroken...what other choice do you have? You have this, my friend. I'm here if you need me - and you know how to find me. Fair winds and following seas, my friend.
Thanks Jeep74, you folks are literally all I have at the moment. That is the truth. It's like in three weeks I went back to zero. Perhaps, even in negative.
On some level, I do agree with this. My feeling is that theres no harm done in leaving a door open for the WS to potentially walk back through later. The destructive behavior is sitting around waiting for that to happen.
In other words, lets say its a nice, sunny Sunday afternoon. Sitting in the living room all day staring at the open door, hoping the WS comes in is I think what you are describing. I agree, thats not healthy behavior. I would go so far as to say that staying home in the off chance that WS comes is also destructive. But, if you plan your day as you wish - maybe planting flowers, then going out for some lunch, and so on and so forth with the door open is OK.
However long you leave the door open is your choice. The key is to be able to leave the door open without focusing on whether or not she has walked through it.
Very well conveyed Kaizen. I find it very comforting at the moment.
Friends,
I started today with a PMA but, have been slipping in and out of the abyss.
My W has literally taken my entire world with her - not a single common friend of ours has come forward to offer any sort of compassion. It's like she took a pair of scissors and just cut me out of my life. I made her my world and she took mine away with her. I guess I keep suddenly realising how alone I am at this very moment.
JBroken -
That [censored], and I know the feeling all too well. What I learned was that happiness wasnt going to fall into my lap. If I was sad for a month and moped around and did nothing, I wasnt going to magically be happy after that. It was up to ME to take control of my own life and my own happiness. Nobody else was going to do it for me.
I will promise to you that if you put in the effort to GAL, you can rebuild a life for yourself. The less you focus on your sitch, the better you will be able to maintain your PMA. And the best way to take your focus of off your sitch is to put it into something else....like your GAL.
So, what are your plans?
That's what I can't get over I guess - why this way? Why could she have not this amicably, with some compassion, respect - I spent twelve years with her - her best friend, lover, husband. Why would you want to hurt me and be so brutal? Isn't it sadistic? Like something is dead inside her.
Unfortunately, that's how it is. There is no easy way to answer these things. The truth is, well, brutal...but it must be faced.
My marriage made it 10 years. At least we got that far, right? I was in your position, until virtual hammers pounded some sense into my head. When they are determined to leave, they view us as holding them back - and the more we try to do just that, it makes them that much more bitter toward us. It is what it is, my friend.
You've been given the wonderful gift of time to make yourself the best jbroken you can be. And unfortunately, that's all you can do. Nothing else matters now.
It's like in three weeks I went back to zero. Perhaps, even in negative.
I wish I could spare you the pain that we've all gone through. You haven't gone into the negative. You are just doing what every single one of us has done before - and some are still doing...and that is trying to hold onto a memory. The butterfly, my friend. Remember the butterfly.
JBroken - That [censored], and I know the feeling all too well. What I learned was that happiness wasnt going to fall into my lap. If I was sad for a month and moped around and did nothing, I wasnt going to magically be happy after that. It was up to ME to take control of my own life and my own happiness. Nobody else was going to do it for me.
I will promise to you that if you put in the effort to GAL, you can rebuild a life for yourself. The less you focus on your sitch, the better you will be able to maintain your PMA. And the best way to take your focus of off your sitch is to put it into something else....like your GAL.
So, what are your plans?
At the moment, I am just trying to keep my chin-up after the repeated blows. Frankly speaking buddy, I'm just trying to function in my day to day routine.
It's approaching three weeks of GD - well, I keep up my activity on FB as normal - sending out positive vibes and happy thoughts into the big wide world. So she is perhaps watching but, who knows? And I don't think I should stop doing things I usually do. Nevertheless, I don't really know if the GD stratagem is working in my particular sitch. No way to tell either. Is there?
My copy of DR is dispatched and should arrive today. So I hoping to get to that tonight after work.
JBroken - That [censored], and I know the feeling all too well. What I learned was that happiness wasnt going to fall into my lap. If I was sad for a month and moped around and did nothing, I wasnt going to magically be happy after that. It was up to ME to take control of my own life and my own happiness. Nobody else was going to do it for me.
I will promise to you that if you put in the effort to GAL, you can rebuild a life for yourself. The less you focus on your sitch, the better you will be able to maintain your PMA. And the best way to take your focus of off your sitch is to put it into something else....like your GAL.
So, what are your plans?
At the moment, I am just trying to keep my chin-up after the repeated blows. Frankly speaking buddy, I'm just trying to function in my day to day routine.
I don't really know if the GD stratagem is working in my particular sitch. No way to tell either.
Going dark isnt a strategy to get her to come back. In my understanding, it does two main things:
1) It gives you the space you need to be able to grow and change. If youre in constant contact with W, then you will be focused on that. Instead, being dark, lets you have the opportunity to focus on yourself and rebuilding.
2) It forces you to stop pursuing. You cant very well pursue your W while youre dark, now can you?
So, basically, it provides an insulative bubble around you where you can begin to shape your life as you want. If she were to come back right now, you would be the same person and youd have the same relationship - which didnt work! So, now is the time to really focus on your life and what you want to make of it.
So, how about we work to set little goals for you? What would you like to accomplish this weekend?
Unfortunately, that's how it is. There is no easy way to answer these things. The truth is, well, brutal...but it must be faced.
My marriage made it 10 years. At least we got that far, right? I was in your position, until virtual hammers pounded some sense into my head. When they are determined to leave, they view us as holding them back - and the more we try to do just that, it makes them that much more bitter toward us. It is what it is, my friend.
You've been given the wonderful gift of time to make yourself the best jbroken you can be. And unfortunately, that's all you can do. Nothing else matters now.
I have let her go. But, the silence is deafening and the limbo unbearable. I everyone here says 'time is a gift' but is it really? I'm finding it a bit hard to see it that way.
I wish I could spare you the pain that we've all gone through. You haven't gone into the negative. You are just doing what every single one of us has done before - and some are still doing...and that is trying to hold onto a memory. The butterfly, my friend. Remember the butterfly.
I don't feel like I'm holding on to a memory. I know that IF, and that's a big IF, we were ever to reconcile, our marriage would have to be different. I would have to be different. She would have to be different. We would have to different. Take the good into the future. And leave the bad behind in the past. That's what I have said throughout the separation and continued to say up until the minute she walked out the door. She doesn't want a future with me. She has no faith in us. And that's what I can't wrap my head around. And to top it off, how brutally this has been done by her and her family. The scheming, planning, lying - why not just come out and look me in the eye and say 'I don't love you anymore.' It would have been an unbearable pain. But, I would have walked away. Perhaps, we would have parted as amicably. But, this way.
I know that IF, and that's a big IF, we were ever to reconcile, our marriage would have to be different. I would have to be different. She would have to be different. We would have to different. Take the good into the future. And leave the bad behind in the past. That's what I have said throughout the separation and continued to say up until the minute she walked out the door.
Lots of words...........
Where is the action on your end to suggest it would be different?
How are you different now?
I have let her go. But, the silence is deafening and the limbo unbearable. I everyone here says 'time is a gift' but is it really? I'm finding it a bit hard to see it that way.
Time is most definitely a gift. Its how you use it that's important. You can either sit and wallow in pity or become the best you can. Which is more attractive?
I don't feel like I'm holding on to a memory. I know that IF, and that's a big IF, we were ever to reconcile, our marriage would have to be different. I would have to be different. She would have to be different. We would have to different. Take the good into the future. And leave the bad behind in the past.
First and foremost, if you to were to ever reconcile it would most certainly have to be a brand-new union because the old one is dead and buried and no retrieving it. Can it come back? Sure, but it won't be the same. Ever.
She doesn't want a future with me. She has no faith in us. And that's what I can't wrap my head around. And to top it off, how brutally this has been done by her and her family. The scheming, planning, lying - why not just come out and look me in the eye and say 'I don't love you anymore.' It would have been an unbearable pain. But, I would have walked away. Perhaps, we would have parted as amicably. But, this way.
No, she doesn't. Now what are you going to do? You'll find that the scheming, lying, etc., to be a common theme. Mine planned for months - researched shite and everything. MONTHS. And I was not aware of even a problem. Blood is always thicker than water...remember that.
It doesn't matter the hows or whys she did it, SHE DID IT. Nothing else can be said after that. Even if she had done it the way you wanted, you'd still be in the same place you are now - asking why, begging God, etc. It wouldn't have changed the outcome had it been done any differently.
The thing is, you've done all you can to the best of your ability and knowledge. You can't be faulted for that. Sometimes they just want out and don't know how to do it the way we want them to. They do things their own way.
Jbroken, what has helped me is remembering that I am an amazing woman that could make another man so happy someday. I have thought of all of my positive qualities that H is apparently taking for granted. I know what he wants: he wants a woman that is sports crazy like him, that will go out with his "buddies" and drink, crack nasty jokes all day long and not be so needy. He basically wants someone to [censored] all day long and be "one of the guys". He has clearly shown me he knows nothing about marriage, and what it takes to stay happy in the marriage. He doesn't want to fix his end, because that would require work, and he just wants it thrown into his lap. NOPE.
I have grown so much in the last 2 years of my life, I have become so spiritual and I see the world completely different, I have become somewhat of an activist for positive change in the world. I listen to music that has meaning, I read books that help me grow- he sits on the couch and follows hollywood and facebook all day. He doesn't want a woman like me. I think it might make him feel inferior?
Anyway, I digressed. start thinking about all of your positive qualities. Start thinking about all you have to offer, usually I would say get your ego out of the way, but in this case, groom it a little bit. you are a loving, caring, honest man, (from what I have seen here) you have a lot to offer a woman that WANTS to be with you and cherish you. I know it's hard to think about another woman right now. I don't like the feeling of having to picture another man in my life, other than H. but, I have literally started putting together my ideal man in my head. it keeps my mind off my H and actually excited about meeting someone new someday. If H decides he wants to stay and make things work, great. but i can't sit around and wait. I preparing mentally so that if it does happen, I'm already halfway disconnected.
Anyway, I digressed. start thinking about all of your positive qualities. Start thinking about all you have to offer, usually I would say get your ego out of the way, but in this case, groom it a little bit. you are a loving, caring, honest man, (from what I have seen here) you have a lot to offer a woman that WANTS to be with you and cherish you. I know it's hard to think about another woman right now. I don't like the feeling of having to picture another man in my life, other than H. but, I have literally started putting together my ideal man in my head. it keeps my mind off my H and actually excited about meeting someone new someday. If H decides he wants to stay and make things work, great. but i can't sit around and wait. I preparing mentally so that if it does happen, I'm already halfway disconnected.
jbroken,
Wise words from Sunmoon! Take them to heart. You still have so long to go to make it where you feel as if your knees aren't about to buckle with each step, but you are getting there. It took me several virtual hammers before I could even see straight, and even then I didn't want to see her for what she really is.
It's OK to mourn the loss of the marriage. And its OK to love the OLD wife. Where things get crazy is when we obsess over things. Really, there isn't anything we can do - there isn't a single action that we can do that would make someone come back. After all, would you REALLY want that? Would you really want someone to come back as a result of something you said/did over truly wanting it on their own?
You have a road ahead of you that's paved with gold - while you may not see it because of your mindset, its there. You have a blessed future ahead of you. That's all you need to know. There is nothing else you can do, or should, but work on yourself.
Sometimes things happen and the hand we are dealt isn't the one we wanted. Don't let this consume you - I've seen what happens and it isn't pretty. This is your time to shine now. I'm not going to hold your hand and blow pretty smoke, because that isn't what's needed. Take care of yourself for you and you only. The best thing to do? Act like she doesn't exist. At all.
Love it Sunmoon and well said!!
Ditto all of the above. YOU CAN DO THIS.
Let her go.
Start walking forward on the road built just for you. Not her road. She's put you out of the car. Get on your road in your OWN CAR and just one mile at a time. That's all.
It didn't happen the way you would have chosen, but like someone above said, even if it had, you'd still be without her.
It will get easier every single day. And no, you probably can't see this yet as a gift of time, but if you will follow the premise given in this school of thought, and begin to grow and expand your horizons to outside the pain of today, you will look back and be able to see it as a gift.
leahsue,
I wish that we had clapping emojis... But, sigh, we are behind the times. I'll just say, Bravo to you, ma'am!
Jbroken, I have recently opened up to my cousin who just a few years back was left by her husband. no warning signs, just one day "I don't love you anymore" and gone. 2 kids together, the whole shot. she gave me some really good advice, she told me she literally took each day one hour at a time. she would tell herself..."okay, I just need to get through this next hour.." and so on. she said that it helps, tremendously. She is married again, and more happy than she was with her first husband. I have taken a few steps back today, as my brain wants to go back to that place of pain, upset, anger and fear. I know it's part of the process and I know that you too will have more bad than good days ahead, but like everyone has been telling us....it will get better. I am always here for you, we are both kind of in the same stages of this life situation and it helps to lean on one another, even if it is through a computer screen. I know this forum has helped me cope more so than if I never found it. try to see the life lessons you are learning from this experience- so far mine have been eye opening. a definite growing season for me. it's unfortunate that I have to possibly lose the love of my life and everything we have built together to have the lessons, but, it is what it is.
Going dark isn't a strategy to get her to come back. In my understanding, it does two main things:
1) It gives you the space you need to be able to grow and change. If you're in constant contact with W, then you will be focused on that. Instead, being dark, lets you have the opportunity to focus on yourself and rebuilding.
2) It forces you to stop pursuing. You cant very well pursue your W while you're dark, now can you?
So, basically, it provides an insulative bubble around you where you can begin to shape your life as you want. If she were to come back right now, you would be the same person and youd have the same relationship - which didn't work! So, now is the time to really focus on your life and what you want to make of it.
So, how about we work to set little goals for you? What would you like to accomplish this weekend?
Understood, thanks Kaizen. I wanted to focus on some pressing errands this weekend that have been pending since this sitch began. However, just got back from the doc's as I'm down with a bad case of the flu. So will be taking it easy so I can regain my strength. My copy of DR is here so will start reading it too.
Anyway, I digressed. start thinking about all of your positive qualities. Start thinking about all you have to offer, usually I would say get your ego out of the way, but in this case, groom it a little bit. you are a loving, caring, honest man, (from what I have seen here) you have a lot to offer a woman that WANTS to be with you and cherish you. I know it's hard to think about another woman right now. I don't like the feeling of having to picture another man in my life, other than H. but, I have literally started putting together my ideal man in my head. it keeps my mind off my H and actually excited about meeting someone new someday. If H decides he wants to stay and make things work, great. but i can't sit around and wait. I preparing mentally so that if it does happen, I'm already halfway disconnected.
Thanks Sunmoon, I hear you loud and clear. But, I must admit, I can't seem to see any positives at the moment. I seem to be losing myself in all this. What has been said to me, about me, the way I've been treated and isolated in all this - I can't seem to stop seeing myself through her eyes! Keep questioning and doubting myself - was this a bad marriage, was I cause of it, did I really not listen, did I treat her badly, was I a bully, etc. I'm seeing myself as the culprit and cause of this sitch. Like I deserve. Plus, this isolation and being left with no-one is taking it's toll on me.
Jbroken,
SO SORRY to hear you have the flu!! That was me 2 weeks ago, and it did nothing to help my emotional well-being, that's for sure! Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate, and get some rest. Try not to overthink your situation and pain while you're sick. Between naps and reading DB, find some good TV and marathon a series. That helped me escape while I was sick. After about the 3rd episode, I'd realize I hadn't even thought of my pain for at least an hour! (And BTW, I tell you this from personal experience, one cannot get bed sores from watching 12 episodes straight of Scandal. LOL) Feel better!!!
It is very normal to see yourself through their eyes. It's haunting. BUT you have to remember, she is human too, she has faults, she is just choosing to highlight yours as to make you FEEL like you are the culprit. When H dropped the bomb two weeks ago, he named off everything that I had done to cause his lack of feeling toward me anymore- they all hurt, like knives, only because I knew I was guilty for most of them. however; some of the things he listed were reactions to what HE wasn't providing me as a husband. My love tank has been empty for a very, very long time, one would think your spouse would act out if that were the case. maybe nagging? maybe short temper?? yeah, I did all those things, and more. but all he wants to do is put the blame on me to make himself feel justified in his actions.
you have to get past that, Jbroken. I maybe wasn't the best wife to him all the time - but I am one darn amazing, loving, caring person that would do anything for anybody. I'm loyal, I'm trustworthy, I treated my husband like he was the only man in the world. but because he was negligent to provide what I needed in our relationship, the ugly side came out more and more and caused him to check out. again, not all my fault. not all your fault. It takes two.
what sunmoon said... and feel better.
Jbroken,
welcome to the club no one wants to be a member of. I just read your sitch and it is very similar to most of our sitches. You are very lucky to have Jeep giving you advice. He is a seasoned warrior and a treasure trove of good advice. Listen to him, he is pure gold. Sunmoon is also golden. Even though she does not have years of experience to her, she is very wise and clearly very open to intuition. Kaizen also a great poster.
You are 3 months post BD and still in shock. This is normal. Things will likely turn for worse for you once the shock wears off, and that too is normal. You have to quit seeing her action as something that is done to hurt you. Not everything she does is designed to hurt you, in fact hardly anything she does (or says) has anything to do with you. IT IS ALL ABOUT HER. In her eyes she has been unhappy for years with you and not that she's broken free of you, she is finally happy (so she things) as it is only logical to be happy when disconnected from her source of unhappiness. It will take time for her to reach the conclusion that the reason for unhappiness is within her and it is not you. You cannot do anything to help the situation, but you can do soo much to screw it up.
YOU WILL NOT FIND THE SILVER BULLET TO CHANGE THINGS AROUND. Quit looking and save yourself the time. Work on yourself. Get a life. Get busy living and not pining away for her. Looking pathetic, needy and just being a hot mess is soooooooooo unattractive to anyone. There is nothing you can do to turn the sitch around for her. Print out Sandi's rules. Have them laminated. REad them daily. Twice daily. It is not you, it's her. That does not mean that you are without fault. You are not. You are a human being. You are faulty by default. Now is the time to better yourself and trust me, you can do with bettering yourself. Quit being a please, quit being a "nice guy" (when you finish DB, i recommend reading No more Mr. Nice guy).
As for common friends, they are just perplexed with the whole sitch and I believe they are not taking sides. Her friends will take her side, and some will choose to be distant so that it does not appear they are taking sides. It's normal, that is just the way things are.
Take care buddy, things will get better...
Jbroken, I have recently opened up to my cousin who just a few years back was left by her husband. no warning signs, just one day "I don't love you anymore" and gone. 2 kids together, the whole shot.
Looking back, there were warning signs that the W was contemplating D from the beginning of 2016. By chance I saw a few messages pop up on her phone from friends along the lines of 'did you mention D' 'what was his reaction', etc. When I mentioned it it to her, she was like 'it's not our D they were talking about...' This was with a smile on her face. I was so confident that would never happen that even wrote down on a post-it that I would give her one no questions asked-dated and signed. This was minutes before I took her out for her birthday surprise that I planned for her. Literally minutes. We did have a difficult six months up until June/July when we had friends staying with us - focus diverted on that. Once her mother came down in August - that's when I first got a sense of something is not right. She (or her mother) removed all the silver from the home and 'put it in storage to make space'. I still didn't read much into that. A couple of months of distance and little communication and then the first BD - which I talked down to a three month separation
she gave me some really good advice, she told me she literally took each day one hour at a time. she would tell herself..."okay, I just need to get through this next hour.." and so on. she said that it helps, tremendously. She is married again, and more happy than she was with her first husband. I have taken a few steps back today, as my brain wants to go back to that place of pain, upset, anger and fear. I know it's part of the process and I know that you too will have more bad than good days ahead, but like everyone has been telling us....it will get better. I am always here for you, we are both kind of in the same stages of this life situation and it helps to lean on one another, even if it is through a computer screen. I know this forum has helped me cope more so than if I never found it. try to see the life lessons you are learning from this experience- so far mine have been eye opening. a definite growing season for me. it's unfortunate that I have to possibly lose the love of my life and everything we have built together to have the lessons, but, it is what it is.
That's essentially what I am trying to do. Take things literally by the hour. It is excruciating. This forum and you all are the only ones there for me. I really don't know what I would do without you all. I'm definitely learning my lessons and will change and grow from this. I just wish I get the chance to put it all towards this M and the love of my life. That's what I can't get over - how my W is willing to walk away from the love of her life, give up on me, give up on us. It just doesn't register for me.
It is very normal to see yourself through their eyes. It's haunting. BUT you have to remember, she is human too, she has faults, she is just choosing to highlight yours as to make you FEEL like you are the culprit. When H dropped the bomb two weeks ago, he named off everything that I had done to cause his lack of feeling toward me anymore- they all hurt, like knives, only because I knew I was guilty for most of them. however; some of the things he listed were reactions to what HE wasn't providing me as a husband. My love tank has been empty for a very, very long time, one would think your spouse would act out if that were the case. maybe nagging? maybe short temper?? yeah, I did all those things, and more. but all he wants to do is put the blame on me to make himself feel justified in his actions.
That exactly what happened here Sunmoon. It was all my fault. She has tried for a very long time. This was a bad marriage. There were too few happy moments. It's too late now. It really did cut like knives. Even her mother called the next day reiterating the same points - it was like they both were reading off the same script! My W did admit some of hers faults at the time but, still said 'I don't have time, I'm 35 already', 'I gave you twelve years', 'I don't want to work on it', 'I have nothing left to give'.
you have to get past that, Jbroken. I maybe wasn't the best wife to him all the time - but I am one darn amazing, loving, caring person that would do anything for anybody. I'm loyal, I'm trustworthy, I treated my husband like he was the only man in the world. but because he was negligent to provide what I needed in our relationship, the ugly side came out more and more and caused him to check out. again, not all my fault. not all your fault. It takes two.
That's what I can't understand. She admits some of her faults too. Apologises. And still doesn't want to work on them or give us time to work things out. I just can't wrap my head around that.
Anyway, I digressed. start thinking about all of your positive qualities. Start thinking about all you have to offer, usually I would say get your ego out of the way, but in this case, groom it a little bit. you are a loving, caring, honest man, (from what I have seen here) you have a lot to offer a woman that WANTS to be with you and cherish you. I know it's hard to think about another woman right now. I don't like the feeling of having to picture another man in my life, other than H. but, I have literally started putting together my ideal man in my head. it keeps my mind off my H and actually excited about meeting someone new someday. If H decides he wants to stay and make things work, great. but i can't sit around and wait. I preparing mentally so that if it does happen, I'm already halfway disconnected.
jbroken,
Wise words from Sunmoon! Take them to heart. You still have so long to go to make it where you feel as if your knees aren't about to buckle with each step, but you are getting there. It took me several virtual hammers before I could even see straight, and even then I didn't want to see her for what she really is.
It's OK to mourn the loss of the marriage. And its OK to love the OLD wife. Where things get crazy is when we obsess over things. Really, there isn't anything we can do - there isn't a single action that we can do that would make someone come back. After all, would you REALLY want that? Would you really want someone to come back as a result of something you said/did over truly wanting it on their own?
You have a road ahead of you that's paved with gold - while you may not see it because of your mindset, its there. You have a blessed future ahead of you. That's all you need to know. There is nothing else you can do, or should, but work on yourself.
Sometimes things happen and the hand we are dealt isn't the one we wanted. Don't let this consume you - I've seen what happens and it isn't pretty. This is your time to shine now. I'm not going to hold your hand and blow pretty smoke, because that isn't what's needed. Take care of yourself for you and you only. The best thing to do? Act like she doesn't exist. At all.
I hear you Jeep74. I guess my mindset is not allowing me to see ahead, see through the fog. As you tell by my posts - I'm up one day and down the next. I have more bad days than good ones. But, I keep trying to pick myself up. Every time. And I'll keep going.
Ditto all of the above. YOU CAN DO THIS.
Let her go.
Start walking forward on the road built just for you. Not her road. She's put you out of the car. Get on your road in your OWN CAR and just one mile at a time. That's all.
It didn't happen the way you would have chosen, but like someone above said, even if it had, you'd still be without her.
It will get easier every single day. And no, you probably can't see this yet as a gift of time, but if you will follow the premise given in this school of thought, and begin to grow and expand your horizons to outside the pain of today, you will look back and be able to see it as a gift.
Thanks leahsue. I'm trying. I really am.
Jbroken,
SO SORRY to hear you have the flu!! That was me 2 weeks ago, and it did nothing to help my emotional well-being, that's for sure! Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate, and get some rest. Try not to overthink your situation and pain while you're sick. Between naps and reading DB, find some good TV and marathon a series. That helped me escape while I was sick. After about the 3rd episode, I'd realize I hadn't even thought of my pain for at least an hour! (And BTW, I tell you this from personal experience, one cannot get bed sores from watching 12 episodes straight of Scandal. LOL) Feel better!!!
Thanks leahsue - not a hundred percent as yet. But, feeling a bit better today. Started the latest season of Black Sails so that's helping me shift focus.
Anyway, I digressed. start thinking about all of your positive qualities. Start thinking about all you have to offer, usually I would say get your ego out of the way, but in this case, groom it a little bit. you are a loving, caring, honest man, (from what I have seen here) you have a lot to offer a woman that WANTS to be with you and cherish you. I know it's hard to think about another woman right now. I don't like the feeling of having to picture another man in my life, other than H. but, I have literally started putting together my ideal man in my head. it keeps my mind off my H and actually excited about meeting someone new someday. If H decides he wants to stay and make things work, great. but i can't sit around and wait. I preparing mentally so that if it does happen, I'm already halfway disconnected.
jbroken,
Wise words from Sunmoon! Take them to heart. You still have so long to go to make it where you feel as if your knees aren't about to buckle with each step, but you are getting there. It took me several virtual hammers before I could even see straight, and even then I didn't want to see her for what she really is.
It's OK to mourn the loss of the marriage. And its OK to love the OLD wife. Where things get crazy is when we obsess over things. Really, there isn't anything we can do - there isn't a single action that we can do that would make someone come back. After all, would you REALLY want that? Would you really want someone to come back as a result of something you said/did over truly wanting it on their own?
You have a road ahead of you that's paved with gold - while you may not see it because of your mindset, its there. You have a blessed future ahead of you. That's all you need to know. There is nothing else you can do, or should, but work on yourself.
Sometimes things happen and the hand we are dealt isn't the one we wanted. Don't let this consume you - I've seen what happens and it isn't pretty. This is your time to shine now. I'm not going to hold your hand and blow pretty smoke, because that isn't what's needed. Take care of yourself for you and you only. The best thing to do? Act like she doesn't exist. At all.
I hear you Jeep74. I guess my mindset is not allowing me to see ahead, see through the fog. As you tell by my posts - I'm up one day and down the next. I have more bad days than good ones. But, I keep trying to pick myself up. Every time. And I'll keep going.
JB,first know that I understand what you're going through. This stuff, especially, the first few months, is so brutal on our souls. It's like you're stuck in the breakers and are being flipped over and over again. Tough to tell which way is up.
The advice you are getting here from everyone is solid. I'll latch onto your reply to Jeep above. You say that your mindset is not allowing you to see ahead. I'd ask the question to you of who controls that mindset? It's you brother. You can change your mindset at any point.
Is it easy? No. I get that. I get stuck at times too. But it's necessary and is definitely do able. Reading your thread I see a smart, well spoken person. Take control of the situation and use your brain to figure out what you want. It sounds like you have been locked down with the flu recently. What have you done with your time? This may be a blessing in disguise as being laid up can give you a lot of time to think. Have those thoughts been constructive? I.e. Have you thought about what makes you happy? What you need to fix in yourself to be happier in the future? What you will get out of the house and do as soon as you are over the flu?
You NEED to focus on you, especially if you've gone dark. Your Ws journey at this point is hers alone. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and start trudging down your own path. I'd bet before long you're walking, then jogging, then sprinting down your path. This whole thing can be a blessing if you make it one. My situation is different, but I can tell you that my R with my D would never be as strong as it is right now had it not been for this crap. That alone is probably worth the BD, the cheating, the lying, etc. I needed a wake up call as I was on cruise control and this bad stuff was it. Always a silver lining brother. What will yours be?
Hang in there and I hope you are feeling better. Draw strength and comfort from knowing we are here to help and have been where you are. So, what are you going to do to make yourself better?
Jbroken, welcome to the club no one wants to be a member of. I just read your sitch and it is very similar to most of our sitches. You are very lucky to have Jeep giving you advice. He is a seasoned warrior and a treasure trove of good advice. Listen to him, he is pure gold. Sunmoon is also golden. Even though she does not have years of experience to her, she is very wise and clearly very open to intuition. Kaizen also a great poster.
Thanks Vapo. I know all of them have been wonderful. I don't know what I would be doing without them and all the great folks offering their support and advice here.
You are 3 months post BD and still in shock. This is normal. Things will likely turn for worse for you once the shock wears off, and that too is normal. You have to quit seeing her action as something that is done to hurt you. Not everything she does is designed to hurt you, in fact hardly anything she does (or says) has anything to do with you. IT IS ALL ABOUT HER. In her eyes she has been unhappy for years with you and not that she's broken free of you, she is finally happy (so she thinks) as it is only logical to be happy when disconnected from her source of unhappiness. It will take time for her to reach the conclusion that the reason for unhappiness is within her and it is not you. You cannot do anything to help the situation, but you can do so much to screw it up.
I'm just short of a month in from the BD. We had a separation for three months prior to this latest event. I'm afraid there are just too many 'biased shoulders, protectors and rescuers' around her to make her realise her role in our sitch. Plus there are 'enablers' in her midst that want our M to end and for her to move-on quickly.
YOU WILL NOT FIND THE SILVER BULLET TO CHANGE THINGS AROUND. Quit looking and save yourself the time. Work on yourself. Get a life. Get busy living and not pining away for her. Looking pathetic, needy and just being a hot mess is soooooooooo unattractive to anyone. There is nothing you can do to turn the sitch around for her. Print out Sandi's rules. Have them laminated. Read them daily. Twice daily. It is not you, it's her. That does not mean that you are without fault. You are not. You are a human being. You are faulty by default. Now is the time to better yourself and trust me, you can do with bettering yourself. Quit being a pleaser, quit being a "nice guy" (when you finish DB, i recommend reading No more Mr. Nice guy).
That's what I'm trying to do at the moment. I just have a lot more bad days as opposed to the good ones. And I don't think I can classify myself as a 'nice guy' by any means - I have done my share in the sitch. But, at the same time I have also owned up to them. And I more than willing to do my part. My heart has always been in the right place. Perhaps, it is my current mindset and like I said in previous posts on the bad days I just can't stop seeing this sitch and myself through her eyes. And it makes me feel like dirt.
As for common friends, they are just perplexed with the whole sitch and I believe they are not taking sides. Her friends will take her side, and some will choose to be distant so that it does not appear they are taking sides. It's normal, that is just the way things are.
I'm not entirely sure what's happening with common friends. But, I do feel they have taken sides. I must point out, though these friends are common to us now, the primary relationship was always through my W - they are her friends first. Then eventually became mine - at least I thought. And then over time, I was introduced to their Hs/BFs so on. She brought a LOT more friendships into our R or M than I did. And these lot are part of that. The fact that not a single one of them has called or even sent a message in a month to see how I am doing - I'm afraid, the proof is in the pudding. She cut me right out of our world - just like that.
You are not alone buddy. I know exactly how you are feeling, and it is all normal. You just want people in your corner. Most people are very reluctant to take sides. As a general rule, her family will side with her, your family will side with you, and all others just do not want to poke in the mess. Some people will not agree with what she is doing, but will still side with her so to speak. Some will be enablers, I would suggest you defriend them. Try not to hold grudges. REmember they were her friends first, and she has probably been feeding them all sort of her version of the truth.
The real truth will come out. I would suggest you not try "persuading" them with your version of truth. It will just make you look pathetic and petty. Remember, the real truth WILL come out.
You have to start looking out for yourself. You have a ton of healing to do. LEave you W be for now, there is nothing you can do for her.
Remember they were her friends first, and she has probably been feeding them all sort of her version of the truth
I guess you are right here. But, how do people just believe that. Don't normal people listen to both sides of the story before making a judgement or taking sides? It's quite sordid how I've been portrayed as the culprit and my W the innocent victim. And for people to buy, that just makes me sick.
The real truth will come out. I would suggest you not try "persuading" them with your version of truth. It will just make you look pathetic and petty. Remember, the real truth WILL come out.
Does it really though Vapo? Up until now, it seems to be that people tend to believe who ever plays the victim card. I'm still taking the high road here but frankly speaking it testing my very limits.
You have to start looking out for yourself. You have a ton of healing to do. Leave you W be for now, there is nothing you can do for her.
On it. That's the plan.
Friends,
Just wanted to get your thoughts and experience on D proceedings. I presume it usually the party that wants out that will serve the papers? How long do they usually wait before doing so?
For my sitch, I'm wondering why she hasn't as yet considering how badly she wants it. Sometimes, I also feel like I'm being baited or conditions are being created for me to move to file first.
It varies wildly. It is best not to preoccupy yourself with it. She might file, she might not. You just take care you do not get railroaded. If she takes ANY legal action, do consult a lawyer. It is VITAL you get proper and timely legal advice. Do not sign or agree to anything on the spur of the moment. DO NOT RELY on her to play fair, remember, she feels entitled for all the "horror" she "endured" in the marriage so she will likely try to get what she can. Protect your assets, make sure that she cannot withdraw any money from joint accounts without your consent (set it up with the bank). If you have your salary going into the joint account, divert it to a new account that is your alone. Also do not take money from the joint accounts as it might paint you in an unfavorable picture in any possible divorce proceedings. But do protect yourself. Do check with the lawyer about changing the locks and garage codes.
It is a time for cool heads.
And yes, you are being baited. The reason is really very obvious. She wants you to make the first move, so she can continue to "be the victim". The bad old Jbroken filed on the poor innocent defenseless maiden.
Resist the urge to draw first.
Vapo, I hear you loud and clear on this front. My W took almost everything of value before she left - whatever she felt she was entitled to, including our small art collection and silverware. Even our wedding pictures are gone - though I suspect this may be only to get the silver frames! She took all the jewellery I've bought her over the years that was kept at home and I'm also certain she has cleaned out all the jewellery in our security deposit box - worth a substantial sum. To top this all off, I took a $50,000 personal loan to support her business - which I'm liable to pay off - I'm still paying it.
It just makes me laugh how someone who claims to love you or even loved you once for that matter is capable of all this.
Jeep74, you won't believe me if I tell you. Our silverware was moved prior a month prior to the separation - when I asked her about it, she said 'I moved it to storage to make space for all my work paperwork that you always nag me about.' I was suspicious but, backed off. The day she was leaving for our separation, she took the jewellery at home (including her engagement ring, wedding band, earrings and necklace). Again, when I asked her about it, she said 'when I come back, you can propose to me and put all this on me again.' Our security deposit box used to be jointly in both our names but when it we moved to another location a couple of years ago it was put under her name only with one key. I asked a few times to have my name included and get another key but some how or the other it didn't happen. In any case, even if it was and I did have another key it wouldn't stop her from gaining access and taking whatever she pleased without my knowledge. I don't know if she has cleared it out but, I can presume so based how the sitch has turned out so far.
Everything else that was taken on the day was packed away and moved before I got home from work. I was in such a state of shock that I was unable to stop or question her on it.
What a fool for love I have been sir. What a fool.
What a fool for love I have been sir. What a fool.
jbroken,
Don't be too hard on yourself; we've all done similar things. As your fog begins to clear, it'll become easier to see through the nonsense.
Thanks Doodler, I appreciate that. It just feels like she has done everything to ensure she kills my love for her. I'm finding it very extremely difficult to not let my heart harden towards her. Extremely difficult.
Hey J,
I second what Doodler said. Don't beat yourself up. Talk to yourself like you would talk to me or other friends on here. You owe yourself the same kindness. All of us have been played one way or another and it doesn't feel good. But the spouses are the fools, not us. BIG HUG.
I'm finding it very extremely difficult to not let my heart harden towards her. Extremely difficult.
jbroken,
Those are valid emotions; she's hurt you. You can use those emotions to help you focus on yourself.
Hey jbroken,
Sorry to hear all this and I know exactly how you feel. My STBEW did much of the same and even more.
Not sure how it works in the UK, but I was able to get some good legal advice prior to most of all this going down. I took before/after pictures of our possessions, prior to her taking stuff, and hired a good attorney who advised me that she had no right to do so and will fight for what I want back. In regards to all the bank accounts she closed there are definitely records of every transaction so I am also not worried about that. Here in the US, in most cases, marital property is divided evenly by our court system if the parties cannot reach an agreement.
If I were you, I would start taking proper precautions in order to protect myself. If it comes to D you want to be prepared. I know you don't want a D, but maybe you should seek legal advice on what you can start doing at this point in order to minimize the damage.
The business loan that you are paying, the bills that you are paying that are in both your names, all marital properties, possessions, retirements, any stocks, other assets, current or future debts, are all things that you should be considering. Seek legal advice before it becomes too late. You can do all of this and still work on DBing. Don't discuss any of it with her, but you should at least consult someone in case she does file.
What a fool for love I have been sir. What a fool.
^^^ I hear you there.
Thanks for the kind words leahsue, doodler. I guess more so than anything I'm so disappointed in her. Someone I been with for over twelve years and been through so many stages with - a best friend, a girlfriend, a wife - has brought things down to such a level.