My Wife Left and Wants an Amicable Divorce - 03/23/17 07:22 AM
My wife left me and wants an amicable divorce. From what I can tell...the changes started beginning around November December when she was promoted in her job. It wasn't a huge promotion...but what it did was decrease our time together from a few weeknights and two weekend days down to no weeknights and one and a half weekend days.
Christmas and New Years seemed ok to me but then she was sick for most of January with the flu. So if she was acting any differently I wouldn't have noticed it was anything serious. Around mid January we got into an argument because I had expressed interest in living in Japan for a few months to a year with her. This was the catalyst that started the downfall. This is something that I've mentioned for years and it was never a problem until now. "We just seem to want different things." She claims.
A few days of that fight lead her to apologize and say "when the time comes we'll decide that together." I was content with that and it went away.
Suddenly she had a bit of a breakdown BECAUSE the problem just went away. I had said it was resolved. What more is there to talk about? Another day of arguing and she came home from work and told me that she was going to spend some time at a friend's house because "all we did was fight"...which we didn't really. In the 7 years of knowing her and the almost 3 years of marriage...we argued maybe a handful of times. The rest was smiles and happiness and plans for the future etc.
Asking her what was wrong only got the response of "I don't know. I'm just not happy." When I asked what she wanted "I don't know". Her answer to it was that she "just needed time alone to fix herself."
My reaction to that was "no...you don't just walk away from a marriage when things get hard. That's not what you signed up for and it's not fair." She pulled away even harder.
The only criticisms that I got from her is that she felt like she did all the housework which is partially true due to the fact that years ago she had worked a seasonal job and I made the comment that if she's going to be off for 5 months at a time...coming home to her watching a season of anime with the house a disaster was kind of shitty. So she took on a majority of the household chores. The PROBLEM was that when she switched jobs...she never made any protest about doing the housework so it just didn't occur to us to divide the work evenly which I never would've opposed to.
Her comment was that she "felt like my mother cleaning up every day". I can completely understand that.
After she had decided to leave and spend a few days at the hotel she worked at she decided to come home for the weekend. The weekend of February 11-12. We had a decent half day on Saturday and Sunday we were snowed in and watched movies all day. Separate sides of the couch. If I touched her leg or rubbed her back...she didn't pull away...but she didn't seek it out or want to cuddle like she used to. At the end of Sunday I attempted to initiate sex and was shot down. "Not feeling good...not in the mood." Etc. that's been the excuse now since December.
Later on that night...grief and frustration had overcome me and I suggested to her that maybe she should go and live with her parents for a while until she got out of this funk. My hope had been that she would receive some decent guidance from her very rational parents and realize that's she's being silly about this [censored].
This backfired. She got upset. Packed most of her clothing and left the next morning to check back into her hotel. Not what I was hoping.
The next day I spoke to her mom and when I said I want to fix this...she insisted that I call her and tell her to come home. I did...she seemed happy that I asked but then said "well I already paid for it ...I might as well stay a night or two."...I said fine. She then invited me over where we hung out in the room in our pajamas...snuggled and watched TV.
This was the very last time we were physical in any way. At the end of the night I kissed her goodbye and we said I love you to each other and went home.
Tuesday Valentine's Day. We spoke briefly on the phone during the day but she worked late so I didn't get to see her.
Wednesday and Thursday the phone calls became less enthusiastic. Friday I asked her..."so...are you coming home tonight or tomorrow?" She said "no. I'm not sure what I'm doing yet"
I had planned a short trip since we were both off 2 days in a row which never happens. She goes home to her parents house. Sunday she calls me and tells me that she thinks we should separate. I said to her "we ARE separated. You haven't been home in a while. What does this mean? You want a divorce?"
She hesitated and said "yes". That was the moment that my life crashed. I asked why...what about therapy. We haven't even tried to fix this. She said no to therapy. I wept on the phone with her and eventually hung up because her tone was cold and distant. She was just a different person. I still had no real reason as to why she "just wasn't happy anymore." We were making future plans up until a couple of months ago.
I spoke to her mom later that Sunday and asked her why she didn't give it a shot.
My wife called me back and said that she'll find a therapist and we'll go. Ok...so at least she wanted to fix it. (Or so I thought). The next day she sent me the info. March 5th and the address for the therapist. We didn't speak after that for a week. I've been pretty good at giving her space so far. Saturday comes and still a week before the therapy session...i texted her and asked her if she wanted to get a cup of coffee. Her response..."no I think we shouldn't speak until the session. I don't want to do more damage by bringing things up. I'm gathering my thoughts together and we'll speak next week."
This gave me hope. I was excited to hear that she was ready to open up and fix this. We didn't speak for the following week.
Sunday the 5th comes along. I walk into the waiting room and hand her some flowers and the heart shaped cookie that I saved for her from Valentine's Day. She barely looked at me and took them. The waiting room was awkward and cold.
We spoke but about nothing. When we got into the session she made me start which was weird because I honestly didn't know what to say. I wanted to hear HER speak. 10-15 minutes into the very lame session...the therapist asks me "what do you want?" I said I want her to come home so we can learn how to productively communicate better. Then he asked her.
Coldly..."I still want a divorce." This was her feel the whole time. She didn't want to be here. She wasn't ready to open up. And the whole thing was her way of trying to make it clear to me. The woman that I caved in for for everything....getting married...wanting kids...I caved to her on every demand...was now cold as ice.
When we left the office...I sat on the steps and sobbed harder than I ever have in my life. She watched me for a minute but then sat next to me and put her arm around me. She said that she'd help me to my car. We embraced for what seemed like 10 minutes while I cried. She walked me to my car and I left. This was the hardest day I have ever experienced in my entire life. I came home to an empty house...it was spotless because I was sure that she was coming home. I wanted her to come home to a clean house.
We didn't speak again for a week. Weekend of march 11-12 she said that she was going to come down with her parents to get most of her things. I sat at the dining room table with my father in law while she and her mom packed her stuff. Her parents were not happy that this was ending. We all get along really well and they love me. Her father and I even took turns just getting choked up about it.
At the end they went to the car and she sat down at the table with me. I told her to remember that it was "never too late to fix things". She didn't really respond. She just said that she thinks we should just get this over with as quickly as possible. When I suggested "but what if we have a change of heart down the line?" Her response quickly was "so we'll deal with that when the time comes...but right now I think we should just do this quickly and amicably."
When she got up...we hugged and I said "I love you"...she didn't say it back of course...and she left. I cried for hours.
The book "The Divorce Remedy" arrived in my mail that day. I had ordered it a few days earlier.
Thursday March 16th she texted me and said "do you want to meet up for coffee so we can discuss things?" ...meaning how we're going to split up the money. I waited a few hours before responding. "I might not be around...I'll let you know"
I was around. I had nothing going on but I still felt the need to make her wonder a little.
All this time that had gone by...I dropped 20 lbs. I've been eating better and getting somewhat in shape. I wasn't fat but I had a gut. Having had relationships end in the past...I had a small grasp of how to act and take care of yourself. Which is why I used a lot of energy not pursuing her.
Saturday march 18th. Coffee turned into breakfast at our favorite diner. I was a few chapters into the book by now so I had an idea of how to portray myself. The day before I specifically took a free boxing class nearby so that I had something to 'show off.'
Breakfast went well. She complimented my new jacket. Noticed my weight loss. And we both seemed positive. We spoke about the money very briefly but didn't really go into details. She said that she was looking for a place nearby to rent. Which I ignored at first but it came up again so I couldn't ignore it twice. We laughed a few times about various things. When she mentioned that she didn't want to push me out of her life...i responded with..."we're not gonna be friends."
After we ate we lingered with our coffee for like an hour and that's when I knew that I had to be the one to end the day. I said "alrighty...let me go pay"...and we got up and left.
At the car she came in for a hug...she got a one armed hug from me and she went in full. I pulled away after my own 3 second rule and went to get in my car. I didn't tell her that I loved her.
She lingered near the back of my car and gave me a half smile smirk which I'm not sure if it was a semi sad goodbye smile...or an "I feel bad for you" smile.
We haven't spoke this week. Just a text to let me know that she emailed me some tax stuff to be submitted.
No further communication.
Sorry that this was so long. Hope at least some of you make it to the end. I don't know what to do next.
Christmas and New Years seemed ok to me but then she was sick for most of January with the flu. So if she was acting any differently I wouldn't have noticed it was anything serious. Around mid January we got into an argument because I had expressed interest in living in Japan for a few months to a year with her. This was the catalyst that started the downfall. This is something that I've mentioned for years and it was never a problem until now. "We just seem to want different things." She claims.
A few days of that fight lead her to apologize and say "when the time comes we'll decide that together." I was content with that and it went away.
Suddenly she had a bit of a breakdown BECAUSE the problem just went away. I had said it was resolved. What more is there to talk about? Another day of arguing and she came home from work and told me that she was going to spend some time at a friend's house because "all we did was fight"...which we didn't really. In the 7 years of knowing her and the almost 3 years of marriage...we argued maybe a handful of times. The rest was smiles and happiness and plans for the future etc.
Asking her what was wrong only got the response of "I don't know. I'm just not happy." When I asked what she wanted "I don't know". Her answer to it was that she "just needed time alone to fix herself."
My reaction to that was "no...you don't just walk away from a marriage when things get hard. That's not what you signed up for and it's not fair." She pulled away even harder.
The only criticisms that I got from her is that she felt like she did all the housework which is partially true due to the fact that years ago she had worked a seasonal job and I made the comment that if she's going to be off for 5 months at a time...coming home to her watching a season of anime with the house a disaster was kind of shitty. So she took on a majority of the household chores. The PROBLEM was that when she switched jobs...she never made any protest about doing the housework so it just didn't occur to us to divide the work evenly which I never would've opposed to.
Her comment was that she "felt like my mother cleaning up every day". I can completely understand that.
After she had decided to leave and spend a few days at the hotel she worked at she decided to come home for the weekend. The weekend of February 11-12. We had a decent half day on Saturday and Sunday we were snowed in and watched movies all day. Separate sides of the couch. If I touched her leg or rubbed her back...she didn't pull away...but she didn't seek it out or want to cuddle like she used to. At the end of Sunday I attempted to initiate sex and was shot down. "Not feeling good...not in the mood." Etc. that's been the excuse now since December.
Later on that night...grief and frustration had overcome me and I suggested to her that maybe she should go and live with her parents for a while until she got out of this funk. My hope had been that she would receive some decent guidance from her very rational parents and realize that's she's being silly about this [censored].
This backfired. She got upset. Packed most of her clothing and left the next morning to check back into her hotel. Not what I was hoping.
The next day I spoke to her mom and when I said I want to fix this...she insisted that I call her and tell her to come home. I did...she seemed happy that I asked but then said "well I already paid for it ...I might as well stay a night or two."...I said fine. She then invited me over where we hung out in the room in our pajamas...snuggled and watched TV.
This was the very last time we were physical in any way. At the end of the night I kissed her goodbye and we said I love you to each other and went home.
Tuesday Valentine's Day. We spoke briefly on the phone during the day but she worked late so I didn't get to see her.
Wednesday and Thursday the phone calls became less enthusiastic. Friday I asked her..."so...are you coming home tonight or tomorrow?" She said "no. I'm not sure what I'm doing yet"
I had planned a short trip since we were both off 2 days in a row which never happens. She goes home to her parents house. Sunday she calls me and tells me that she thinks we should separate. I said to her "we ARE separated. You haven't been home in a while. What does this mean? You want a divorce?"
She hesitated and said "yes". That was the moment that my life crashed. I asked why...what about therapy. We haven't even tried to fix this. She said no to therapy. I wept on the phone with her and eventually hung up because her tone was cold and distant. She was just a different person. I still had no real reason as to why she "just wasn't happy anymore." We were making future plans up until a couple of months ago.
I spoke to her mom later that Sunday and asked her why she didn't give it a shot.
My wife called me back and said that she'll find a therapist and we'll go. Ok...so at least she wanted to fix it. (Or so I thought). The next day she sent me the info. March 5th and the address for the therapist. We didn't speak after that for a week. I've been pretty good at giving her space so far. Saturday comes and still a week before the therapy session...i texted her and asked her if she wanted to get a cup of coffee. Her response..."no I think we shouldn't speak until the session. I don't want to do more damage by bringing things up. I'm gathering my thoughts together and we'll speak next week."
This gave me hope. I was excited to hear that she was ready to open up and fix this. We didn't speak for the following week.
Sunday the 5th comes along. I walk into the waiting room and hand her some flowers and the heart shaped cookie that I saved for her from Valentine's Day. She barely looked at me and took them. The waiting room was awkward and cold.
We spoke but about nothing. When we got into the session she made me start which was weird because I honestly didn't know what to say. I wanted to hear HER speak. 10-15 minutes into the very lame session...the therapist asks me "what do you want?" I said I want her to come home so we can learn how to productively communicate better. Then he asked her.
Coldly..."I still want a divorce." This was her feel the whole time. She didn't want to be here. She wasn't ready to open up. And the whole thing was her way of trying to make it clear to me. The woman that I caved in for for everything....getting married...wanting kids...I caved to her on every demand...was now cold as ice.
When we left the office...I sat on the steps and sobbed harder than I ever have in my life. She watched me for a minute but then sat next to me and put her arm around me. She said that she'd help me to my car. We embraced for what seemed like 10 minutes while I cried. She walked me to my car and I left. This was the hardest day I have ever experienced in my entire life. I came home to an empty house...it was spotless because I was sure that she was coming home. I wanted her to come home to a clean house.
We didn't speak again for a week. Weekend of march 11-12 she said that she was going to come down with her parents to get most of her things. I sat at the dining room table with my father in law while she and her mom packed her stuff. Her parents were not happy that this was ending. We all get along really well and they love me. Her father and I even took turns just getting choked up about it.
At the end they went to the car and she sat down at the table with me. I told her to remember that it was "never too late to fix things". She didn't really respond. She just said that she thinks we should just get this over with as quickly as possible. When I suggested "but what if we have a change of heart down the line?" Her response quickly was "so we'll deal with that when the time comes...but right now I think we should just do this quickly and amicably."
When she got up...we hugged and I said "I love you"...she didn't say it back of course...and she left. I cried for hours.
The book "The Divorce Remedy" arrived in my mail that day. I had ordered it a few days earlier.
Thursday March 16th she texted me and said "do you want to meet up for coffee so we can discuss things?" ...meaning how we're going to split up the money. I waited a few hours before responding. "I might not be around...I'll let you know"
I was around. I had nothing going on but I still felt the need to make her wonder a little.
All this time that had gone by...I dropped 20 lbs. I've been eating better and getting somewhat in shape. I wasn't fat but I had a gut. Having had relationships end in the past...I had a small grasp of how to act and take care of yourself. Which is why I used a lot of energy not pursuing her.
Saturday march 18th. Coffee turned into breakfast at our favorite diner. I was a few chapters into the book by now so I had an idea of how to portray myself. The day before I specifically took a free boxing class nearby so that I had something to 'show off.'
Breakfast went well. She complimented my new jacket. Noticed my weight loss. And we both seemed positive. We spoke about the money very briefly but didn't really go into details. She said that she was looking for a place nearby to rent. Which I ignored at first but it came up again so I couldn't ignore it twice. We laughed a few times about various things. When she mentioned that she didn't want to push me out of her life...i responded with..."we're not gonna be friends."
After we ate we lingered with our coffee for like an hour and that's when I knew that I had to be the one to end the day. I said "alrighty...let me go pay"...and we got up and left.
At the car she came in for a hug...she got a one armed hug from me and she went in full. I pulled away after my own 3 second rule and went to get in my car. I didn't tell her that I loved her.
She lingered near the back of my car and gave me a half smile smirk which I'm not sure if it was a semi sad goodbye smile...or an "I feel bad for you" smile.
We haven't spoke this week. Just a text to let me know that she emailed me some tax stuff to be submitted.
No further communication.
Sorry that this was so long. Hope at least some of you make it to the end. I don't know what to do next.