Hi everyone,
I just finished readying The Divorce Remedy, and found this website. I believe if my marriage can be saved, this place can become a huge help to me. There are so many posts, threads, etc. that I am a little overwhelmed about where to begin. What I've already read on here about going dark has made complete sense to me. I think I have been doing it already (mostly) but not calling it that. I want to know more basics about that, and any advice for beginners that anyone can share with me.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Hey leahsue,
Sorry you are here, but I think you have come to the right place in search of advice. There are many vets that can offer up their support and help in any way they can. I am new here as well so I would def tell you to start reading as much from Cadet's post as possible. Then post any particular questions you may have about DB and how to apply it to your situation.
I guess I should have opened with my own story. I am 58 and my husband is turning 50 this summer. We have been married 13 years (2nd marriages for both of us-no children together, but 4 between us-all out on their own). Our first 10 years were like a fairy tale romance novel. I foolishly let myself believe that our marriage was bulletproof. After both of us having very controlling partners in our first marriages, we felt we had found the perfect partners in each other. Now I realize we both drug some unresolved baggage into this marriage from our first ones. We live in the south and owned our own business. Three years ago, the business got very slow and H got a fabulous job offer in NYC. We were thrilled and so excited to take it, and since all the kids were grown, saw this as a wonderful opportunity. We made the huge change, moved up north, got an apartment on the banks of the Hudson (on the NJ side) with fabulous views of NYC, and began the true fairy tale life. The first two years there were just that. Although H went from owning our own business and living paycheck to paycheck, he rose quickly in his job and we had more money than we could believe. Our apartment was like a revolving door, more like a hotel really, with no shortage of friends and family being able to do the NYC thing with free tour guides and a free place to stay. We are both very social and loved having people visit. Looking back, I think H nor I were aware of just how big the life changes were, and their impact on us. In November 2015 my H younger sister lost her 10 year battle with cancer. He took time off during her last few weeks and almost never left her side. I don't think he allowed himself grieving time after she passed, and I think this may have contributed to where we find ourselves today. Although he has been very successful in his NYC job, he has taken on a role of leadership that he had no training for, and created a great deal of stress for himself along the way. Still, we were happy and kept living the dream life. Slowly he began to make decisions without discussing them with me, and although I complained, it just escalated. Decisions that affected my day to day life, and sometimes I would find out after plans had been made, which both hurt and angered me. Both of us tend to shy away from confrontation, so resentment and defensiveness built up on both sides. We still owned the small business down south, and I just ran it from our NJ home with a crew carrying out the physical work and me managing the business end by internet, etc. About a year ago, we realized the crew needed closer supervision, so after making several trips back south, we decided it would make sense to rent an apartment for use when we were here visiting family or checking on the business. We did that for most of 2016, with me dividing my time back and forth. Since he was busy with his work, it worked well for me, and I was able to see my grown children and my mom, who all live here in the south, much more frequently. I kind of felt I had the best of both worlds- money and freedom to go back and forth. He was very supportive and traveled back and forth a lot also, as much as his work would allow. In October 2016 we gave up the apartment and purchased a "fixer-upper" house with the intention to flip eventually (which is my passion-fixing up houses)- so I was pretty much down south from Oct 1 until the end of the year, except for holidays. I still thought we were fine. Of course I missed him, but did not sense our relationship suffering due to time apart. Abruptly, over Christmas, almost overnight, he became a different person. He was cold, distant, would not touch me, and after an agonizing week of (I admit-my constant hounding- what's wrong, what's wrong?), he admitted he'd had a drunken one night stand the week before. I was shocked, and he seemed devastated. He said he was sickened by what he had done, cried a lot, looked like someone haunted, said his head was all messed up and he needed a separation to figure it all out. I didn't want to come back to south but I really didn't think forcing it would help, so I came back. That part..... I get all that. He kept saying- we can work through this, I don't want a divorce, I just need some time..... But the struggle for me has been since I came back south on Jan 1. When he said separation, I guess I thought he meant geographical, but he meant total- like no communication, etc. I have hurt more deeply in the last 6 weeks than in my whole life combined. I feel kicked to the curb, dark lonely, confused, useless, I can't even breathe sometimes. I'm trying to use the time to work on me, and leave him to lick his wounds, whatever THAT MEANS. I'm staying busy, and going to counseling, and reading reading reading. This is the best material I have found and makes the most sense. It's just SO. HARD. TO. DO. I'm so afraid no one will ever hold me at night again, love me like he did, have fun with me, GET ME. I feel like that part of my life is over. I can't imagine another man touching me, but I'm not old enough to live without someone to love. My goal is to work on myself and resolve to be OK however this turns out, but GOD it's hard. But still.... I know I must detach myself from the outcome of this. There is a Korean word that has no literal English translation- "han"- a state of mind of soul really; a sadness, a sadness so deep no tears will come, and yet still, there is hope.
XOXOXO
Hi Leah,
Can you give us a little background about your situation? ow long have you been together? Children? What brought you here?
Oh Lord, I just wrote a whole freakin page and now I don't see it. Maybe it's being checked and will show up later? Whoop!
Wow. I wish I knew where my post went from hours ago.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Yesterday was so painful with flowers and candy everywhere you look, but so thankful to have found this online community. I only slept about 4 hours last night because I could not stop reading the posts on here. It's like I stepped into a warm, inviting room full of hurting people just like me.
Yesterday was so painful with flowers and candy everywhere you look, but so thankful to have found this online community. I only slept about 4 hours last night because I could not stop reading the posts on here. It's like I stepped into a warm, inviting room full of hurting people just like me.
You will find this to be one of the best places there is. The people are great.
I know the feeling...the first Valentine's in years that I brought nothing. I did, however, get something for myself as a gift to me.
Yesterday was so painful with flowers and candy everywhere you look, but so thankful to have found this online community. I only slept about 4 hours last night because I could not stop reading the posts on here. It's like I stepped into a warm, inviting room full of hurting people just like me.
I made the mistake of going onto FB first thing yesterday morning. I knew it was Valentines day, but I wasn't thinking of it then. It seemed like I was the only one who wasn't celebrating. I don't post anything on FB about my M status so I didn't want to be the one person who posts anything along the lines of the day sucking and then everyone bombarding me with posts asking me is wrong.
Six hours later, and I'm still reading on this forum. SO much comfort here.
I'm seeing (I think) that many more people are reading my thread than are replying. That may be very normal- I guess I was just hoping for some thoughts, insights, advice on my situation. As I read other threads, I'm so encouraged by the specific, although at times I'm sure painful, advice that people give in specific situations- I think that would be so helpful to get perspective from people who aren't emotionally involved in your personal situation but can see clearly mistakes you may be about to make.
I have made all the bad decisions and broken all of Sandi's rules in the last 6 weeks, but at least for the last 4 days I feel good about my behavior. Since we live 1000 miles apart, it's harder to go dark except to not contact H at all. He called yesterday and it was the first semi-normal conversation we've had since BD- I know it was largely due to my reaction or rather lack of- to his call. I was pleasant, polite, did not mention our relationship, and got off the phone first. Good first steps, right?
I'm seeing (I think) that many more people are reading my thread than are replying. That may be very normal- I guess I was just hoping for some thoughts, insights, advice on my situation. As I read other threads, I'm so encouraged by the specific, although at times I'm sure painful, advice that people give in specific situations- I think that would be so helpful to get perspective from people who aren't emotionally involved in your personal situation but can see clearly mistakes you may be about to make.
I find that posting "advice" helps me more than when I make my own threads. I haven't made one on the newcomer forum, but I may soon. One of the things that you will have to remember is that every one's situation is different. Sure, there are some similarities and commonalities, but you'll find that each is different - and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for others. My situation is an odd one out, due to the abuse my ex suffered, what worked for most on here actually had the opposite effect here...
I have made all the bad decisions and broken all of Sandi's rules in the last 6 weeks, but at least for the last 4 days I feel good about my behavior. Since we live 1000 miles apart, it's harder to go dark except to not contact H at all. He called yesterday and it was the first semi-normal conversation we've had since BD- I know it was largely due to my reaction or rather lack of- to his call. I was pleasant, polite, did not mention our relationship, and got off the phone first. Good first steps, right?
We have all made mistakes. I slipped the other day and I've been divorce for a bit now. Oh well, it is what it is.
Yep, your first baby steps are good ones. Keep on keepin' on.
Yesterday was so painful with flowers and candy everywhere you look, but so thankful to have found this online community. I only slept about 4 hours last night because I could not stop reading the posts on here. It's like I stepped into a warm, inviting room full of hurting people just like me.
I got to spend the night with my 2 girls while my WAW went out on a date. Found out from mutual friends who it was and I can't say it didn't hurt to hear...but at least I had my girls.
Sorry for you sitch. Infidelity is always tough when you are the one who has been betrayed. So many emotions come sweeping over you and it is hard to handle at times. Many understand what you are going through so keep reading and posting on here as often as you can. Posting can be a journal and also a way to vent. I was also told after my W's PA that she would do anything to work out our marriage, but within a week she also changed her mind. We can't control how they feel or change their minds. They are on their own journey and need to discover it for themselves. The best thing you can do is to read up on the wonderful material here and work on bettering yourself. That way you will be better off if the MR works out or if it doesn't. Stay strong and keep posting.
Hello leahsue,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust and resentment. Healing from infidelity is possible with the right blueprint for helping you rebuild trust and mend your marriage.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Leahsue, I'm very sorry you find yourself here. As others have said, this is a great place, but the circumstances that have brought us all here are not great ones. That said, one of the keys to this is to remember that you are not alone. Neither in your suffering nor your situation. Many of us are going through what you are right now. This is a wonderful place to find support and the people here are amazing.
The key for you is finding your balance. I know that in the beginning it seems surreal and never ending. Almost like you're drowning in a deep dark ocean. It's tough to get your bearings or even find 20 minutes of peace. I've been where you are and I know how tough it can be. Your whole focus right now needs to be on minimizing the emotional ups and downs and finding a balance.
Easier said than done, I know. But it has to be done. You can't worry about what your husband is doing, what may or may not happen in the future, etc. you just need to focus on the here and now and yourself. You sound like a highly motivated and driven lady. What are your hobbies? Do you exercise regularly? How often do you see friends? You said you're seeing a counselor. That's awesome! I hope you're finding that to be helpful as well.
What are your goals right now? How are you going to focus on you? Have you really, truly dug into your M and figured out what issues you contributed to its breakdown? What are your goals to fix those things? Your goals should be focused on you and I think defining them gives you a good starting point to both take your mind off things and also to begin the hard work of driving positive change for yourself. What better time to start than now!
LeahSue, we are here to support you. You may not believe this now, but you will be ok. Start working on you and this will become much more clear as time passes. Hang in there and keep journaling here and in others posts.
Hi leahsue, I'm sorry you are here.
What are you doing for yourself? It's time to take care of you and focus on what is going to make you happy outside of H.
I know you miss your H, I understand that completely. You can not control what is going on with him, but you can start to take control of what's happening with you. GAL. This has been extremely helpful to me.
Like everyone else is saying, keep reading and posting here. I think you will find it helpful to share with people who truly understand what you are going through. You are not alone.
Easier said than done, I know. But it has to be done. You can't worry about what your husband is doing, what may or may not happen in the future, etc. you just need to focus on the here and now and yourself. You sound like a highly motivated and driven lady. What are your hobbies? Do you exercise regularly? How often do you see friends? You said you're seeing a counselor. That's awesome! I hope you're finding that to be helpful as well.
I like this. Hobbies can be a life saver.
Don't look at his road - watch your own. If you look closely enough, you'll see it is paved with gold. Own it.
Hi leahsue.
I'm sorry that you're here and hurting. These boards are like a double-edged sword. Never in your life would you have wanted to be posting on here, and yet there's so much insight to be absorbed through all the posts, not just for marriage advice but self-help too.
I made all the normal mistakes when I found out about my wife's A and didn't start putting some of the tips I've learned here into action until 5 months later. I wish I had come here sooner, things might be different now.
Your story reminds me of mine in a lot of ways. If you substitute two children for your H's demanding career and the business you've been trying to run, it sounds like the same progression that led my W and me to where we are now. In the simplest terms, we didn't put any effort into keeping our connection to each other strong. Schedules conflicted, priorities got shifted.
My mistake was that I took my marriage for granted and just assumed that we would always have a core connection to each other and would get back to our marriage when things "died down a bit". But over the past 9 months I've learned 2 things:
1. You can never maintain a core connection to your partner if you don't nurture it on a regular basis.
2. Life never "dies down".
So we grew apart without me even realizing it. I turned inward and spent all my free time on my own hobbies. She turned outward and found an emotional connection with another man. Only recently have I started to understand that both of these were a betrayal to the marriage.
Everyone's advice on your post so far is spot on. Focus on yourself. Don't let your fears and insecurities about your marriage and your H's behavior paralyze or stagnate you. Get on with getting on. Make some time to distract yourself from the situation: friends, family, hobbies, exercise, etc. But also make some time to figure out what YOU did to get to this point and start working on fixing it. Therapy, meditation, religion, self-help, and these boards can definitely help with that. But try to find a balance - you can't JUST disconnect and distract yourself all the time, nor can you spend all your time thinking about fixing your issues.
Whenever you're in contact with your H always keep in mind that trying to address the problems in your marriage when you are both hurting and emotionally disconnected will only make matters worse. This is one of the reasons why so many people will say that marriage counseling doesn't work. Steven Covey says, "You can't talk your way out of a situation you behaved yourself into."
Instead, try your best to keep things light. Inevitably you will have to talk to your H about logistical things related to the family and the business, but try to find opportunities to share a few moments that foster some kind of connection between the two of you. In my case, my W ALWAYS laughs at my jokes so I have an easy in. Once or twice a week I try to call her in the middle of the day, if she answers I go right into the joke, wait for her to (hopefully) laugh and then say, "Ok, goodbye" and probably leaving her totally perplexed about why I called.
Please understand that this approach will not work for everyone, but it's resonating with me more than any other approach I've tried so far, so I'm going to keep at it. In a nutshell, I'm taking action right NOW to be a better husband. I don't need my W's help with this I can do it alone. My hope is that my changes inspire something in her which lead to us trying to piece the M back together. But if they don't, I'm still better off than I was and I'm getting real-world practice for my next relationship.
I hope this helps. And keep posting, even if it's just to journal your thoughts and not ask for advice. It always helps and it keeps your thread on the first page for more people to notice.
Thanks everyone for all the replies!
Looking back to Valentine's Day, in retrospect, it was the best day of the week. I had dreaded it for so long, but so many people got in touch with me, plus I found this forum, that I found myself busy all day. The last two days have been awful, for no obvious reason. All I've wanted to do is go introvert, sleep, and nothing else, even though the weather has been so spring-like, I've not even gone outside. I hate this version of me.
People on here ask- what are my hobbies? I think I've lost sight of what I even like to do anymore. I think of trying to get out and meet people and do more, but I feel stuck in the effort of starting or knowing where to start. I'm not exercising and I know that's a big one.
Since I'm not doing the business anymore, I need to get a job, of course for money, but also to get out of the house. I look at job openings, and I just get tired again. I used to be such a great special education teacher and my life had so much meaning, and although I don't want to come out of retirement into public education again, I may need to get back into the field somehow. Sorry to sound so down today, but I am being honest. Today I don't even care WHAT H is doing, and that's a little scary.
V-Day was a tough one for me, but glad to hear you have a strong support system of friends and family to see you through it. In regards to hobbies there were many things that I used to love to do until my world was turned upside down. I found myself trying to go back and do those things again, but my mind just wasn't there. I stopped loving those things and in time I thought I had lost who I was. I can tell you that it does get easier. Min by min, hour by hour, day by day it will get easier and you will find yourself doing things you never imagined yourself doing. Start by reaching out to a friend or family member and see if they would want to go out. Baby steps....
Leahsue, you're overthinking it. Just get out and do something tomorrow. Go for a hike, or to a movie, or for a run. You're stuck right now. The only way to get unstuck is to decide you're done with that. I've found that jumping head first into something helps me, but even just starting with a small activity tomorrow, and another Sunday, and letting it snowball from there would build up some momentum for you and get you unstuck.
What are you doing to fill your time right now? I'd bet it's not enjoyable, right? The reason your situation is grinding on you right now is bc you're allowing it too much time in your brain. Doing things you enjoy, trying something outside of your comfort zone, etc all force your thoughts away from this stuff, at least for a little bit. Your mind needs a break from the battle that's been waging in there. You will feel a lot better if you can get back to a balance.
The exercise has been my godsend. The frustration, pain, anger all seem to roll off when I'm active. Add to that that it's easier to sleep and stay asleep when you're physically exhausted and it's probably the best medicine for this, at least initially. As you advance through this and get greater understanding of yourself, that'll help as well.
Hang in there, but know that you have a choice in how you react to this. You can choose to start the healing by GAL, seeing friends, exercising, etc. You can choose to be strong and push forward. I know how hard this part is. Been there and it's awful. Figure out what your goals are this weekend and make the choice to start working towards them. We are here to support and help so lay some of it on us. You will get through this, but make that first choice to stand up and push through this thing.
It0402,
YOU STRUCK A NERVE IN ME! A GOOD ONE!!!!! Thank you for your straight-forwardness and seeing me stuck in a lazy pity party. You are so right. I am the only one who can choose the way I react to this, and about the only thing I still have any control over. I am up and at 'em today! I've already gone and bought bedding plants and feel better already. I'm painting an old piece of furniture today and brightening up my house with it. I'm going to a girlfriend's house for overnight to watch a TV marathon of a PBS series that we love and haven't seen yet, then on to a wedding shower tomorrow where I'll see some great friends and reconnect. Spending Sunday night with my son, which always is fun- he is so compassionate with my situation, and can always get a laugh out of me. Then he and his partner are coming back home with me Monday for a few days. So THERE! I feel better already. My biggest hang-up is exercise. That's going to be what I focus my mind on this next week, and just do it.
Thanks, again. I know this will help ME, not my sitch, and that's all I need right now.
LS, hope you had an amazing day today!!!
My biggest hang-up is exercise. That's going to be what I focus my mind on this next week, and just do it.
You'll find that exercise is THE single most effective anti-depressant there is...and much better for you than any medication ever could be.
You're getting some good advice already, and I agree about exercise. It does help
For me, I get to the gym each week but I also do some more 'social' exercise - yoga and salsa classes. I also found swimming and walking helpful...whatever works for you. It's great, because it is something you can do for yourself.
I would encourage you to keep the focus on you, and on you moving forward and healing from this horrible shock. Almost 3 years out and I promise you this is the way to go - however things unfold WRT your H.
Also, his age makes him a possible candidate for mid life crisis and you may want to read around that subject a little to see if anything you read, rings true. I post on the MLC area of this forum. Sadly, my XH decided to stay with OW and he filed for D and saw that to conclusion. But I have to say, from my DBing efforts to save myself and try to save the marriage, I feel a lot of peace and contentment with my life in a way I wouldn't have though possible 2+ years ago.
But it isn't easy. I saw a friend the other day and she said she had been speaking to someone about how well I had 'bounced' back. I said to her, I don't think bounce is the right word to use. It suggests ease and perhaps 'claw' would better describe it.
Looking back, do you see any emotional patterns, or anything from when your R formed, that may have been a red flag at the time? I can see now that I chose not to acknowledge some important things - ie: XH dating a year out from separation but not yet divorced etc..
Keep posting and doing for yourself and try to let your H be. He will decide what he will decide in his own timeframe and the best you can do there is not worsen things. But for yourself - do all that you can to move forward and heal.
Xx
Looking back, do you see any emotional patterns, or anything from when your R formed, that may have been a red flag at the time?
This is interesting because as I look back from when the ex and I dated through the marriage, all sorts of red flags pop up - but they are related to her particular situation.
Yes, looking back I can see red flags. If I'm honest, there were red flags that I saw at the time, but I was so in love, I chose to ignore them and hope they never surfaced. I guess they caught up.
I was driving yesterday and some song came on that triggered me emotionally- then just out of the blue this thought came to me: what's going on with H may not even be totally about me or our relationship- I'm not saying that gives me any hope for our R- I'm just saying that for the first time, it occurs to me that he may have gone through whatever "this" is, with our without me in his life. The more I read about MLC and depression, the more I think he may be dealing with both. I was deleting some of my old voice mails, and there was one from him on the night of Dec. 18, which I think was a couple of days before his one night stand. I had never listened to the voice mail, so I did, and what struck me was how sad and depressed he sounded, almost like he was resigned to some bad days ahead. It made me remember how most of the phone conversations I was having with him that week and the few weeks before had all sounded like that. At the time, I took it personally, to mean that he was either mad at me or didn't want to be talking to me. Now in hindsight, he just sounds sad. I think maybe I have made myself out to be way more important in this horrible situation than I actually was- which in a way is freeing to me. Maybe this is just him screwed up, and our R a sad by-product of his issues right now. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone, but I would love to hear your thoughts.
If I'm honest, there were red flags that I saw at the time, but I was so in love, I chose to ignore them and hope they never surfaced. I guess they caught up.
I think we all have that. And they always catch up. Always.
read about MLC and depression, the more I think he may be dealing with both.
While you may be correct on both, don't put too much stock in it. They are fully aware of what they are doing. Fully.
It made me remember how most of the phone conversations I was having with him that week and the few weeks before had all sounded like that. At the time, I took it personally, to mean that he was either mad at me or didn't want to be talking to me. Now in hindsight, he just sounds sad. I think maybe I have made myself out to be way more important in this horrible situation than I actually was- which in a way is freeing to me. Maybe this is just him screwed up, and our R a sad by-product of his issues right now. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone, but I would love to hear your thoughts.
I can relate to the sad by-product part, as you are probably aware of my ex's situation. One thing you have to realize - unless you were a horrible person, then this isn't your fault...its all his, he wanted this and he did the things he did under his own volition. But, yeah, it can very well be a product of his own issues and most likely is that - I've seen the destruction first hand what issues can do to both a person and a marriage. Ugh.
I haven't checked in for a while, but I just tried to read and get caught up with the other regulars on this thread. There is so much comfort to be found here, just in knowing you're not alone.
I've had a couple of phone conversations with H, but nothing on a personal level. I've tried to stay dark unless it's a bill that's due, etc. He called yesterday just about life details, and it was all I could do not to ask for some kind of idea of where his head is- and if he plans to file for D (but I DIDN'T!!) He texted last night about another insurance bill that he had tried to correct on my behalf, so I thanked him but said I will handle it tomorrow. I then told him I may need him to get involved in a situation with a store over a problem oven, but that I hoped I had it handled on my own. He texted back "you go girl." I'm doing better with my GAL, and going to counseling every week. The not knowing what this will look like a year from now is the hardest part for me. But this much I DO know now, that I did not come to this thread with, is that I am going to be OK, with him or without him. And I have you guys to thank for that. Keep doing the good work & helping all of us on this hard road.
leahsue,
It seems that you are doing better than a lot on here. You are doing great and your road is paved in gold. Keep it up, my friend?
Jeep, Thanks, but I have learned the hard way to take nothing at face value. I am hopeful, praying for the best, but preparing for the worst. Good luck tomorrow in your meeting. All of us here have your back. I'm sure you still have very painful moments, but it seems you've stepped up to the plate and stood strong, and your kids are so lucky to have you.
Hi everyone,
I haven't posted in a few days, but I really need some "veteran" insight into the near future. I've been fully following the 37 rules since I found this forum, and possibly it is making a difference. I've totally backed off any contact. H has slowly begun to communicate with me, first with texts about bills, etc., then last week a random "how was your day?" text. I responded eventually with a very upbeat, my day was great, and listed a few things I'd done, all very GAL type things. I was polite but not really engaged. The texts have slowly turned into phone calls, and sometimes I answer, but sometimes I don't- just depending on if I feel like talking to him. I'm not afraid of losing him anymore. I already lost him once, and I survived. Now he's asked about his coming south for a visit..... I have very mixed feelings about this. My body and soul aches for him, and I very much want to begin a rebuilding of a relationship, but of course there is anxiety about opening my heart up again. Any thoughts on if I should agree to a visit, is it too soon, and if I do agree, what should that visit look like? I'm leaning toward saying OK, but that I don't know where I want this relationship to go, and since he has said he doesn't either, maybe this visit can be less heavy discussion about how we got here, what went wrong, and be more about just starting over and getting to know each other again, just having fun together. Please give me some advice! I welcome all honest thoughts and opinions!!!
I would say, if anything, to make it lean towards this. No relationship talk or the like.
Now, for something you may not want to hear...my ex did the same thing. Texts turned into calls. We went out. A lot. Did all the things - but there never was any romantic/sexy time/etc. What I thought was a light at the end of the tunnel turned out to be an on-coming train. She was softening me up to be friends/buddies, nothing else.
I'd say do it but with no expectations. Maybe he will talk, maybe he won't. You, however, DO NOT INITIATE RELATIONSHIP talks. Period.
You are doing well, my friend. Keep it up!
Thanks, Jeep. I agree with everything you said. I don't need to drink much alcohol either, b/c I know that makes me so much more - what- vulnerable/bad judge of what to say/drunk? LOL.
I hope you're doing OK.
I totally can relate to how you feel!!! :-(
Thanks, Jeep. I agree with everything you said. I don't need to drink much alcohol either, b/c I know that makes me so much more - what- vulnerable/bad judge of what to say/drunk? LOL.
I hope you're doing OK.
Leahsue, how are you? Just be yourself...yeah, alcohol may be a no-go. You are doing fine!
I'm doing well, thank you for asking.
SpacemanSpiff at tacomaworld as you asked in the other thread.
Hi friends,
I haven't posted on my thread lately because things have been looking up for my situation, but I have kept up with a few other people's threads and tried to be an encouragement. I need some today. I feel so sad, and just can't stop tears from silently just falling. Not the wracking, deep sobs of a few months ago (thank God) but more of a quiet, sad despair.
My H has begun to call and text, and we plan to meet for a weekend soon, just to see where we are and how we both feel. I have been feeling really good about the prospect, but today all I can think about is- he hasn't even sad I'm sorry, for abandoning you, for sleeping with someone else, for ignoring your calls and texts, and I could keep going but you get it. He called today while I was in church and left a voice mail. He was chewing food while he was talking and was just so casual saying I was trying to make your chicken salad but I couldn't remember blah blah- and I thought- how can you just call like that like nothing has happened? That is so weird for me to be having these thoughts now, after weeks of having really good, casual conversations with him, and feeling fine about it. I read somewhere here that forgiveness is about accepting an apology that never comes. Surely when he sees me in person, he will say, Hey, I sure am sorry about the hell I just put you through. Or will he expect me to just be so thankful to have him back that I will pretend right along with him that it never happened? I just feel shaky and scared today, and just needed to vent. Also I am sick physically-hopefully allergies and not getting the flu- so I know that's affecting me too. Plus it's the first time I've been sick since BD, and now I think- I really AM alone. Is this what my future will look like?
Keep coming here for encouragement, we understand what you are going through. It is weird how they are so casual about what's happening. My ex texted me after our D was final to tell me about a new dermatologist she went to and recommended to me and our friends. I thought to myself really??? So strange.
Hang in there.
Thanks Hawker. I am finding today that my excitement at his starting things back up is fading, and with that I'm wondering - do I even want him back?..... He still hasn't even give me a reason for the whole separation, except "I need some time". Of course, there was the whole one night stand thing, so there's that. I think I can forgive him for that, but the isolation and abandonment the 3 months after... I'm having trouble with that. My counselor says it's shame, in fact he did say that also, but WHAT ABOUT ME? My world fell apart!!! Jeez, I'm ready for this day to end. I want to go back to being excited to hear from him. I know these thoughts are here with a purpose though, and I must work through them. Ugh.
. I am finding today that my excitement at his starting things back up is fading, and with that I'm wondering - do I even want him back
That's called growing within your own self and accepting the reality of it all.
He still hasn't even give me a reason for the whole separation, except "I need some time".
One of the things I learned a long time ago is that you won't get an effective reason...not at all. It is what it is. I still don't have one and my divorce was done last week. I learned to accept the fact that there are some things one will never learn...AND there are some things that we should not know. Ever.
. I want to go back to being excited to hear from him. I know these thoughts are here with a purpose though, and I must work through them
He's on his own road...one that only has room for him. Make of it what you will... Own your road. That's all you can do.
Wow, Jeep, you nailed it before it even happened. He's on his own road. He called yesterday after I posted my last post, and we were having a pleasant enough conversation just casual. Then he started telling me he had re-arranged all the stuff in the kitchen, moving things around. That kind of made me think-wow, it's really not ever going to be "home" for me again, but I didn't say anything. THEN, he says, this lease is up in October anyway. (Which I knew, and I had hoped we would look for a house further from the touristy, SO expensive area near the Hudson, but not mentioned it to him) Then he says- I think I'll just get a one bedroom apt down in ---- City near work. I felt like someone had kicked me in the teeth. I said, I am going to need to get off the phone now. I know he could hear in my voice that I was about to cry. He just said OK and I hung up. Two seconds later he texted I'm sorry. I probably way over-reacted privately, but luckily not while on the phone. What I heard him say was- I have my life all planned out for the next year or so and there is no room for you. He texted about an hour later and said- I know what I said came out wrong and that's not how I meant it to sound. I think we have been having very good conversations and moving forward. What I meant by a single bedroom is that's all we would need for now if we make it back to us. I didn't respond. He called and said the same thing. Who knows what he really meant, and I can't worry about it. But I'm not gonna lie. It took away most of the progress, at least for me, that I've felt we were making. On top of it all, I went to dr today and tested positive for flu, so no wonder I've felt like crap. Oh well, pushing forward on my road built for just me.
leahsue - I'm sorry you are still on this path. Nobody deserves it (well, there are some that do I guess) and you have been going through a lot. Hope you are feeling better!
What I heard him say was- I have my life all planned out for the next year or so and there is no room for you. He texted about an hour later and said- I know what I said came out wrong and that's not how I meant it to sound. I think we have been having very good conversations and moving forward.
Oh well, pushing forward on my road built for just me.
If you look closely enough at your road, you'll see it is paved with gold. It just have dirt and stuff on top of it. You got this!!!!!
It appears that his and your definition of moving forward are different, no? Either way, you seem to be doing well!
Crap - I left part of my answer out! Sorry!
What I heard him say was- I have my life all planned out for the next year or so and there is no room for you. He texted about an hour later and said- I know what I said came out wrong and that's not how I meant it to sound. I think we have been having very good conversations and moving forward.
You know, my ex said the same thing about good conversations and moving forward and all. It is what it is. Take care of yourself, my friend. You'll be fine!
Hello leahsue,
It sounds like you handled that most recent interaction really well!
I'm so sorry you have the flu. Hopefully you can follow doctor's orders and take good care of yourself. No need to focus on anything but your recovery right now.
Is he still thinking about heading South for a weekend? Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I need advice. Maybe I should be over on the MLC forum but there seems to be more activity here, and right now I still need the daily interaction found on this website. It has helped me in my everyday thoughts so many times, as I feel myself sliding toward negative self-talk.
I am not sure what stage I am in. I started here with a husband who wanted separation, which we did. He never said he wanted a divorce, in fact said he did not, but just needed some time. Then basically he just abandoned me for 2 months. About 3 weeks ago he started to communicate, first just a text here and there, then daily texts, then phone calls, now he wants us to visit for a weekend. So I don't really know what "rules" I need to be following during this phase. It was easy to go dark, that was clear-cut. But now, I don't know. When he first said he wants to see me, I was so excited and thought I'd love nothing more. But the more I think of it and the closer it gets, the more I think I may be reading too much into it. If you've read any of my posts, you'll see where last Sunday he made a statement about the future that did not include us back living together. He tried to back up and say that's not how he meant it- maybe he did, maybe he didn't~ believe nothing they say, right? But it had a strong affect on how I'm looking at this "get-together". I feel like I may be setting myself up for a disappointment, in that I think the weekend was going to be a magical fix, and he would want me to come home. Now I think that's not how it's going to be. I realize I am mind-reading, and crossing bridges ahead of time. My IC gets onto me about that every week. But I'm also trying to guard my heart. I don't want to set myself up for a 2nd heartbreak this quick. Should I just not see him? Eventually we have to see each other. We are 1000 miles apart so can't very well "date", which is what would make the most sense to me. I'm still not really verbalizing what I'm trying to say- usually I don't have this much trouble with words. Flu is still hanging around so maybe that's it. Any thoughts or opinions would be welcome.
Hey Leahsue! Seems like you are doing well in spite of all that's happened. You have this! If you want to join us over on TW, there's always room for another!
Jeep, you mentioned TW earlier, but I don't know what that is or how to find it. Maybe message me? And thanks for checking in to my page.
I need advice. Maybe I should be over on the MLC forum but there seems to be more activity here,
Switching and worrying about whether this is MLC or a WAS is not necessarily helpful. I think people spend way way too much time labelling their spouses instead of dealing with what they know is happening and working on themselves.
Plus, as you said, there's more activity here so this is where you'll get the help you want.
and right now I still need the daily interaction found on this website. It has helped me in my everyday thoughts so many times, as I feel myself sliding toward negative self-talk.
Great!
I am not sure what stage I am in. I started here with a husband who wanted separation, which we did. He never said he wanted a divorce, in fact said he did not, but just needed some time. Then basically he just abandoned me for 2 months.
which may be exactly what he meant when he said he wanted space.
About 3 weeks ago he started to communicate, first just a text here and there, then daily texts, then phone calls, now he wants us to visit for a weekend. So I don't really know what "rules" I need to be following during this phase.
this ^^is a thaw and there are many people here who would love to have these^ actions happening. It's an opportunity for you to DB
It was easy to go dark, that was clear-cut. But now, I don't know.
have you talked to a DB coach? Mine was supremely helpful and specific.
When he first said he wants to see me, I was so excited and thought I'd love nothing more. But the more I think of it and the closer it gets, the more I think I may be reading too much into it.
Please have NO EXPECTATIONS and I cannot stress this enough. Try to be in the moment, pleasant and easy to be around and light hearted.
Yes, it may take all your acting skills and we can give you an Oscar b/c you will deserve it!
But you are a woman with interesting people to meet, cool places to go, & FUN things to do but you will make time for your h b/c hey, he's fun TOO!
Be upbeat and have a PMA and all the rest of the DB basics. Do them. Or fake as if you are (and then really do them.)
We hammer the GAL and Detachment for 2 reasons
1) it helps US to be happier people and our happiness and inner peace is the ultimate goal, not reconciliation
and
paradoxically 2) it increases the chances of a reconciliation
Make sense?
If you've read any of my posts, you'll see where last Sunday he made a statement about the future that did not include us back living together. He tried to back up and say that's not how he meant it- maybe he did, maybe he didn't~ believe nothing they say, right?
But it had a strong affect on how I'm looking at this "get-together". I feel like I may be setting myself up for a disappointment, in that I think the weekend was going to be a magical fix, and he would want me to come home. Now I think that's not how it's going to be. I realize I am mind-reading, and crossing bridges ahead of time. My IC gets onto me about that every week.
you are doing a LOT of mind reading. Your IC is telling you to stop it and so are we. Are you going to stop or keep doing what hurts you and your cause?
I mean, do you see how the mind reading isn't serving your interests? You think it's protecting you but it's not.
But I'm also trying to guard my heart. I don't want to set myself up for a 2nd heartbreak this quick. Should I just not see him?
Why on earth would you not see him? How would that protect your heart?
This is what you wanted, isn't it? He's exploring the connection you had, and you want to cut it off? I don't get it.
Eventually we have to see each other. We are 1000 miles apart so can't very well "date", which is what would make the most sense to me.
Sorry but what was the 1 bedroom discussion about, if he isn't open to living together?
I'm still not really verbalizing what I'm trying to say- usually I don't have this much trouble with words. Flu is still hanging around so maybe that's it. Any thoughts or opinions would be welcome.
Take care of yourself. Many of us found that we were sick more often during these stressful times, so it's clearly part of our self care to work on.
Hi 25, have you read back through my posts? I really need some direction on what approach to take as far as this upcoming "weekend get-together"- (there is no date set yet- I keep putting him off, plus his work schedule is heavy right now.)
Gosh Leahsue,
Yes I read your thread and I feel like I gave you suggestions for how to approach this opportunity.
And if you don't want to reconcile, or if you feel you'll never get past the non communication, then why not end it now?
I'm not suggesting it, I'm saying that even though this is VERY hard, it's not very complicated.
We over think.
Your h wants to see you. You've posted here wanting that very thing.
There are things we must accept that we will never understand.
OR not accept it. But I do not believe there is an answer you'll find satisfactory as to why all this happened.
Asking "why?" And "how could you do this?!!" are questions I spent a year of my life on, and I'll never get that time back.
(& btw, my DB coach said those 2 questions will almost always elicit a defensive response from the listener, so I try to avoid framing questions that way).
Maybe you need to decide what you want, and go from there?
OK, thanks 25, and I hear what you just said... that I need to decide what I want, but the part of your answer that I do not understand is where you say you have already given me suggestions as to how to approach this next situation. I looked back through my posts and do not see where you have even seen nor responded to anything I've said. Regardless, I'm learning much from advice you give to other people. Vanilla, too. I think you are both very wise and seasoned.
Here
if it's not specific enough, let me know---
Please have NO EXPECTATIONS and I cannot stress this enough. Try to be in the moment, pleasant and easy to be around and light hearted.
Yes, it may take all your acting skills and we can give you an Oscar b/c you will deserve it!
But you are a woman with interesting people to meet, cool places to go, & FUN things to do but you will make time for your h b/c hey, he's fun TOO!
Be upbeat and have a PMA and all the rest of the DB basics. Do them. Or fake as if you are (and then really do them.)
We hammer the GAL and Detachment for 2 reasons
1) it helps US to be happier people and our happiness and inner peace is the ultimate goal, not reconciliation
and
paradoxically 2) it increases the chances of a reconciliation
Now THIS is what I'm looking for- a concrete plan of action. Although I feel you are being a bit condescending, like you're speaking to a 5 year old, but hey, I'm looking for all the wisdom this place has to offer, so I'm good with that. Thanks for answering.
25 is perfect with her response. Excellent advice.
Now THIS is what I'm looking for- a concrete plan of action. Although I feel you are being a bit condescending, like you're speaking to a 5 year old, but hey, I'm looking for all the wisdom this place has to offer, so I'm good with that. Thanks for answering.
This^^ advice was what I wrote to myself and read nearly every day, 10 years ago. I would do that again if need be. I copied most of it from my journal.
Jeep, you mentioned TW earlier, but I don't know what that is or how to find it. Maybe message me? And thanks for checking in to my page.
There are a good bit more than a few on there. Go to Tacoma world and look up spacemanspiff.
Jeep,
The truck place? LOL. OK...... I drive a BMW but I'm going to check it out. I get the feeling it's not about looking to buy a truck.
Haha. No. We are a collection of misfits.
Hi Leahsue,
I read through your thread and am thinking about what I can add. I like the advice from 25. When I started reading here several years ago, I found her posts and advice to be invaluable!
I have noticed a clear distancer-pursuer dynamic in your sitch. Perhaps read up on that more. I think our goal as a LBS is to slide out of the pursuer spot and into being pursued. It seems that as you step back and give him space, he comes to you. It is working. I think we know reconciliation is near completion when we lose the dynamic entirely and just become comfortable.
If you can manage to memorize Sandi's rules and follow them, that is key. I struggled with them a lot. That is one of the reasons i started posting, because I can see how much I failed and shot myself in the foot when I didn't follow them!. When I was able to DB and follow the rules, I got results. I think if I could have executed Sandi's rules at the time of BD, I dont actually think my H would have left. I was a roaring lion and he kept hiding deeper and deeper in his mouse hole!
I tend to think that in all our our sitches, less is more. Less interactions, less talking, and more space and just listening. This gives H a chance to think and self reflect. The WAS is looking for reasons to justify their behavior (leaving) and so if we don't give them any more,, they are forced to look at themselves and own their choices. So when you meet with him, think of it as a time to listen, not talk or explain yourself.
If he is asking you questions, it's okay to tell him you need time to think. This serves two purposes--you can take time to think without reacting, AND he realizes you are not just sitting and waiting for him. There are some great threads on validation, so maybe read those over a few times. They are good communication tools for us all.
Try and keep in mind how long this all can take and what a bumpy road this is. We often want to measure results in a few interactions, days, or weeks, however that is seldom the case. It can take years for an M and communication to break down, and it can take more months or even years to get results. Patience is everything and it is wonderful to learn and take into all areas of our lives.
Also, I couldn't help but notice in your write-up that you described your M as a fairytale. Did you have H on a pedestal? Were there things you overlooked in your M that you can see now were not perfect? Could any of this led to the problems? I think when we have too high expectations of our S, they feel they can't live up to our standards and end up self sabotaging (i.e. having As or running). That was def the case in my M!
This meeting is a great opportunity to not only listen to H, but to show him (with actions over words) your changes. If he sees your 180s, and sees a woman that is listening, but is strong and self-assured, he will be reminded of what he is walking away from. Show him what he stands to lose and hold your head up high.
As much as it hurts to learn of infidelity, I don't imagine it will be fruitful to discuss that now. He is already feeling guilty, but it doesn't mean he is ready to show you remorse. Sometimes people feel so much guilt, that they seek out any reasons they can to justify it because it's too painful to own. As much as the lack of remorse hurts now, I believe it will come in time if he wants the M to work. First he needs to feel safe coming to you, however he simultaneously needs to see what he stands to lose.
Not an easy position to be in, but you seem like a strong lady! Hope that helps a little bit.
Blu
Wow, Blu, that is a HUGE help. I'm going to read follow up on your reading suggestions, but I'm also going to print out your post and read it over and over until it becomes 2nd nature. I am a visual learner anyway, so the more I see it in the print, the more it becomes a part of me. Thank you so much for taking the time to read back through my info, and to respond with such an insightful answer. ((((Blu)))))
Leahsue - Best of luck as you continue to sort out your path through this. After reading up on your posts, it looks like you're growing day by day and week by week. Keep it up.
This meeting is a great opportunity to not only listen to H, but to show him (with actions over words) your changes. If he sees your 180s, and sees a woman that is listening, but is strong and self-assured, he will be reminded of what he is walking away from. Show him what he stands to lose and hold your head up high.
BluWave - I think I need to tattoo this on my forehead and look in the mirror every hour. This really sums it all up beautifully on how to do this well.
Wow, what a day. Finally over the flu, so there's that.
OK, since H started contacting me, it has been consistent- like at least a text every day, usually that and phone calls, etc. Always initiated by him. Nothing yesterday, and so far, nothing today. That's fine with me~ we certainly don't have "rules" or "agreements" about contact, and honestly sometimes it's nice to not have to talk if I don't feel like it. But I think it's weird. And makes me realize that I am not NEARLY as detached as I had hoped, as evidenced by the fact that I am on here posting about it. We will see. He knows I am headed out of town for a wedding this weekend, but it's still early today (5 pm) SO..... I'm thinking even if he does call tonight, I won't be available. I'll be busy GETTING A LIFE, down at happy hour on the downtown riverfront. Like a BOSS!
BTW, I took all the advice here and started exercise, but DEAR LORD, I think I may have jumped in over my head. Anyone been a part of the Orange Theory franchise? I may never walk normally again. The music is good though.
BTW, I took all the advice here and started exercise, but DEAR LORD, I think I may have jumped in over my head. Anyone been a part of the Orange Theory franchise? I may never walk normally again. The music is good though.
Orange theory, OTF, is awesome. I love it. It gave my wife an amazing body, which OM gets to enjoy. I have also started doing it myself with all my spare time, and I love the workout. And it's a great place to meet new people. It will be very difficult for your first five to six times, but after that you'll be really into it and not as sore. Keep with it.
leahsue, you just seem like the coolest woman around. I love the sound of your new/old life down in the south. I am rooting for you!
Kevin, thanks for the OTF encouragement. I'm going to need all I can get to keep going there. So many FIT, YOUNG, HARD BODIES. Plus, the first time I went, I got 12 splat points and stayed in the orange almost the whole time. The 2 times since, I have not gotten to nearly that. I think the first time I was operating on an adrenaline rush, plus pushed by my own insecurities. The other times it just felt like ~ what fresh HE** have I stumbled into now?
Look, at my age, I'm not training for the Olympics. I just want to feel good, be a little healthier, and if the body follows then that's a plus too.
Helies, I used to be fun and cool, and I'm clawing my way back. So much fun to be had, and I had forgotten!
I went to happy hour and had a ball. He did call while I was gone, but I didn't call back when I got home. Happy houred out, you know? Also, H has hated Facebook the last few years since his ex blew him up about some really sweet post he put up about coming home to me or missing me or something- (and BTW, we had been married TO EACH OTHER for 10 years at the time- go figure- talk about crossing boundaries-but another subject)- anyway, suddenly this week he posts a little video of a fireworks display he made from his balcony of the NYC skyline, then yesterday he replaces his ancient profile photo of us, with a great picture of he and his daughter. In my happy hour state last night, I think I over-reacted to his doing that. I saw it as removing me. I think now it was just a really great picture of him and he is starting to come alive again. I need to quit making things about "AT ME", when usually it has nothing to do with me at all. Luckily, I only over-reacted to my sister and not actually ON FB (never get on there after happy hour), and certainly not to him. Off to a wedding weekend. Later, friends. (And I sincerely do mean friends- that's how I think of this board now-as real friends. Another plus to all of our having to be here.)
Jeep, when I get back, I'm coming over to TW and join the misfits. Sounds like my kind of people!
Try to ignore the specifics of the FB posts. Mine has done some super wacky stuff. I try to view it in a trending sense, kind of like a check on where his head is. As in, beginning in October, first there were the creepy love poems to her (although he never mentioned her and she has never appeared there), then political/religious stuff where he was trying to get a rise out of people, then it was his adoption of stoicism as his life's philosophy, then stuff about letting go of the pain of losing people, then stuff about trying to find happiness, then nature photography, then poems about losing people and accepting other people's mistakes, then poems about missing spouse and children, and now today poems about life being gray and without fizz.
I see him posting a pic with his daughter about remembering how important family is and fireworks seeing the beauty in things. Maybe he is awakening to a fog he has been in. You are inspiring me to kick up my exercise again.
Hope to hear more about your fabulous GAL activities in the coming days!
I see him posting a pic with his daughter about remembering how important family is and fireworks seeing the beauty in things. Maybe he is awakening to a fog he has been in.
Or maybe he just loves his daughter? Try not to read into things.
Hi everyone,
Back to Orange Theory Fitness today, and I beat my numbers from last week, so that made me so happy! I was seriously thinking I can't do this, it's too hard, but now I think I can.
I didn't talk much to H over the weekend, but we talked Sunday afternoon and he again mentioned coming down, possibly this coming weekend. I went to IC yesterday and that was good, since I had to skip the week before due to the flu. He called late yesterday afternoon and asked about coming down April 12-20! That's a long visit. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I asked if he would plan on staying here, and he seemed stunned for a minute, as if that were a given. Then he kind of stammered, well, yes, if that's OK with you. Between now and then, I'm going to work on keeping up my GAL activities, and start now practicing NO EXPECTATIONS. Light and breezy, kind and fun, no R talks. But I do think it may be harder for me to do that with him here that long as opposed to just a weekend. I just need to really get myself in a good, strong mindset, and allow myself to take breaks if I feel myself slipping. Any advice on other things I should be mentally working toward? I already read 37 rules every day, and I'm still working my way through others' threads and stories on here. I just finished going back through Psysara's, and I have to say she may be the poster child for DB! What incredible strength and determination! My hat is off to you girl, if you happen to see this. You are an amazing little spitfire of a woman, and he IS a fool to not be doing all he can to win you back.
This place has literally saved me these last few months. It is at the top of my list every single day of things to be thankful for.
Never heard of this back to orange thing - what is it?
LOL. Jeep, you crack me up! It's a fitness class franchise. Google it-Orange Theory. You'd be very proud of me. After all, you planted the whole exercise thing in my head and wouldn't drop it so.... I DID IT!
I know it's an exercise thing, smarty.
I meant what does it involve?
And that rocks that you're doing so good and enjoying it...see, jeep can have a good idea once in a while... I am proud!
Now wait, I didn't go all overboard and say I ENJOYED it. Hopefully I'll learn to. KevinIn said it gave his wife a hot new body, so there's that! It's a very intense, structured, class that is offered 5-6 times during the day, 7 days a week, and the classes last one hour. Half the hour is spent on treadmill with 3 levels of stamina requirements, the other half spent back and forth between rowing machines and weight exercises. You wear an arm band that correlates to a huge board where your exertion, heart rate, calories burned, etc are continuously displayed. That's the gist of it. Phone app makes it very easy to sign up for class, even on the day of, and also keep up with your progress. Another neat thing is every day is different, never the same routine so it's never boring.
I just re-read my last post and I think I made it sound like people go every day. Maybe some do, but even the coaches suggest every other day, especially at first. I don't think I'd be able to walk if I went every day. Oh, and the music is good and very loud.
Now that sounds like a good program... Don't kid me, you know you love it! After all, exercise is the single best feel good thing there is. An hour isn't bad. I could use a different program... I just started back on one a SEAL friend gave me. Hurts, but good stuff!
How are you doing? I mean, really?
Hi everyone,
Back to Orange Theory Fitness today, and I beat my numbers from last week, so that made me so happy! I was seriously thinking I can't do this, it's too hard, but now I think I can.
I didn't talk much to H over the weekend, but we talked Sunday afternoon and he again mentioned coming down, possibly this coming weekend. I went to IC yesterday and that was good, since I had to skip the week before due to the flu.
He called late yesterday afternoon and asked about coming down April 12-20! That's a long visit. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Um, yeah that^^ is a very long time. Dang...if possible I would plan at least a moderate amount of GAL so you can get a break. (Anyone would need to) Geez, I might fake some just to get a breather. A bit of pleasant mystery too!
Plus, with that amount of time
I would THINK he'll do one of the following things (Or a combination) and once you have a general plan for these options, let it go and don't obsess or overthink...
So he may be probing to see how things go...whether you are very angry and can't get past what has happened, or will throw it in his face, hold it over his head, etc.
AND OR, he will bring up the R and ask You what you want, or if you want to reconcile.
OR he will try to own things and Then ask what you want.
Even though you have wanted a reconciliation since this all happened, in a way, the last option (Where he tries to own things and reconcile)
would be the most challenging.
I think your safest option, given that you do want to reconcile, (or might), delay. Take time to process what's going on. Tell him you need time to think about it and See how YOU feel, not how HE feels...it's not like he should rush you...
Make sense?
I asked if he would plan on staying here, and he seemed stunned for a minute, as if that were a given. Then he kind of stammered, well, yes, if that's OK with you.
Perfect^^^Between now and then, I'm going to work on keeping up my GAL activities, and start now practicing
NO EXPECTATIONS. Light and breezy, kind and fun, no R talks.
Remember that you are "busy meeting fascinating people, going to fun places and meeting new interesting people!"
Come to think of it, maybe that^^ ought to be your voicemail message... 
point is, you're trying to fit him in, but you know, you've changed your lifestyle and rediscovered who you were AND are becoming. IF he wants more and you're not ready (and how can you be, so quickly and sort of out of the blue?)
maybe you can "get to know" each other over time...
IF he brings up your flaws or things he was pained by, AND IF you think they are valid,
it's okay to say that "if I had it all to do again, there are lots of things I'd do differently".
Shows willingness to change and some changes already, while not being a doormat to him.
LISTEN to whatever he says. But be ready to just show that you two can enjoy each others' company without dissecting the r.
Then maybe build on that^^...
But I do think it may be harder for me to do that with him here that long as opposed to just a weekend. I just need to really get myself in a good, strong mindset, and allow myself to take breaks if I feel myself slipping. Any advice on other things I should be mentally working toward?
It probably will be harder. Ironic, isn't it?
Anyhow, here's an exercise that helped ME, and might work for you. I got it from Marianne Williamson's book on forgiveness (might have "Fear" in the title). She's too new agey for some people but the practical parts really helped me. ANYHOW, I would turn my marriage or my pain/anger over to God (or the universe or whatever you see your higher power as)
and I'd say it out loud. "God, I turn my marriage/pain/anger over to you." By thinking it, saying it, hearing myself say it, many times in a row, I found myself calmer.
Of course, I'd do this in the shower or where no one heard me so I didn't seem crazy. I literally said it 20-50 times before I expected a call or visit from h.
There are others but that's what comes to mind at the moment.
I already read 37 rules every day, and I'm still working my way through others' threads and stories on here.--.
This place has literally saved me these last few months. It is at the top of my list every single day of things to be thankful for.
yes this is a great gift for many. Good good people help each other here.
Leah, wow, just wow. You are rockin this DB thing like a boss! What is your secret? Have you dealt with the hurt of the betrayal, how is that going?
That is a long visit. It can be hard to DB for that long and "hold it in." If he wants to have R talks or talk about the past, just listen and validate. If he has questions or puts you on the spot, you can keep it vague. Let him know you have a lot to think about, things have been changing for you too, and you would like to revisit the conversation another time. It's okay to keep him guessing.
I agree with 25. Create plenty of your own time. I think before he comes, make some plans with friends, schedule your fitness classes, and on the other days get out for a couple hours, even if only for a walk or coffee, alone.
He needs to see you are not sitting and waiting for him. This will also give you space to let your emotions out or decompress! You may need that safety away from him.
Keep us posted! You got this!
Blu
25mlc,
Thank you so much for the long, thoughtful responses to my musings. I intend to read it several times and let it all sink in. You make some very good points. I don't know if I posted this earlier, but when he first mentioned coming for a visit, after I thought about it for a few days, I said to him- you know, I'm ok with a visit, but I have some thoughts about it and would like to make sure we plan this visit keeping these things in mind. You told me a few months ago that you're not sure what you want in your future, and if I'm honest, I don't really know what I want for myself either any more, so I'm fairly sure we aren't ready to have deep, complicated conversations about how we got here, etc. I propose that we just plan some fun things, enjoy spending some time together, and see how that goes, no heavy discussions. He said, that is exactly how I'd like to see it go, also. I'd like for us to just start to get to know each other again.
So, at least we have covered that part of the visit- I'm not sure if the length of the visit will affect that, but I think it's a real possibility.
Another interesting twist tonight- when he called earlier my daughter was beeping in, and I said, oh it's D- you know today is her birthday so I probably need to get this. He said of course, in a very sweet way, and we got on off the phone. While I was talking to her, she said- wow, H is texting me. He said happy birthday, love you. I'm thrilled that he reached out to her (she's his step-daughter) and also find it interesting that he said love you to her. He doesn't say that to me yet. And as angry as she was at him at BD, she graciously texted him back and said "love you, too". That couldn't have been an easy thing for either of them, and I'm proud they both felt ok with it happening.
Jeep, how am I really doing? I had to think about that one. The week after BD I remember saying to someone, I just want to handle this nightmare with dignity and grace, no matter the outcome, and be able to look back on this knowing I took the high road and did my very best. I think I've done that, thanks in large part to finding this forum so quickly in. I've cried a million tears, felt despair so dark it was frightening, questioned everything I thought I knew about love and marriage and trust, but also I've grown as a person, expanded my horizons, and none of that would have happened if I were still stuck in my complacency with my own life. So all in all, I think I'm doing OK and going to be just fine, with or without H. I don't feel this way 100% of the time, but certainly a drastically higher percentage than even a month ago. Thanks for keeping a check on me. You've become a good cyber-friend, plus you keep me laughing.
Blu
Thanks for your thoughts on this. I certainly don't think I'm rockin it, but I'll tell you, reading through others' threads have helped me so much in knowing what NOT to do. I don't find myself spending as much time on thinking about the betrayal, as much as I think about the hurt of what I think of as his abandonment of me since then. That was/is the hardest part. I think I knew right away that the betrayal I could probably forgive and get past, but the complete shut-out just made no sense to me. I kept thinking, he is the one who messed up- why isn't he doing anything to make this right? Instead, I felt like I was the one who had screwed up! It was such a lost feeling. I know if we choose to have another go at a marriage, we are in for a lot of work, and I have no way of knowing how I will feel on that road. All I know is that today, he is still the one I hope to grow old with, and that's enough for today. I'll deal with tomorrow's feelings when tomorrow gets here. Hugs, and thanks again for checking in.
Have you read DB or DR yet?
Blu
Thanks for your thoughts on this. I certainly don't think I'm rockin it, but I'll tell you, reading through others' threads have helped me so much in knowing what NOT to do. I don't find myself spending as much time on thinking about the betrayal, as much as I think about the hurt of what I think of as his abandonment of me since then. That was/is the hardest part. I think I knew right away that the betrayal I could probably forgive and get past, but the complete shut-out just made no sense to me. I kept thinking, he is the one who messed up- why isn't he doing anything to make this right? Instead, I felt like I was the one who had screwed up! It was such a lost feeling. I know if we choose to have another go at a marriage, we are in for a lot of work, and I have no way of knowing how I will feel on that road. All I know is that today, he is still the one I hope to grow old with, and that's enough for today. I'll deal with tomorrow's feelings when tomorrow gets here. Hugs, and thanks again for checking in.
You have got this! That road? Yours is paved in gold, my friend!
Yes Mr. Bond, Both books, more than once.
Friends,
I just have to share this moment with someone. These kinds of moments are the golden nuggets that can be found in the middle of a very dark chapter.
I just spent the lunch and afternoon with my daughter for her birthday. We had such a wonderful time, and after she got home she sent me this text message. I am so blessed to be her mother.
"Mom, I am so incredibly awe-struck by how proud of you I am. You are handling this "box of darkness" that you were given with such grace, dignity, self-awareness, introspection, self-care, self-love. It is really inspiring to watch. I love you." Then she wrote this quote from Mary Oliver- Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.
I think I'm going to add this quote to my signature.
25mlc,
Thank you so much for the long, thoughtful responses to my musings. I intend to read it several times and let it all sink in. You make some very good points. I don't know if I posted this earlier, but when he first mentioned coming for a visit, after I thought about it for a few days, I said to him- you know, I'm ok with a visit, but I have some thoughts about it and would like to make sure we plan this visit keeping these things in mind. You told me a few months ago that you're not sure what you want in your future, and if I'm honest, I don't really know what I want for myself either any more, so I'm fairly sure
we aren't ready to have deep, complicated conversations about how we got here, etc. I propose that we just plan some fun things, enjoy spending some time together, and see how that goes, no heavy discussions. He said, that is exactly how I'd like to see it go, also. I'd like for us to just start to get to know each other again.So, at least we have covered that part of the visit- I'm not sure if the length of the visit will affect that, but I think it's a real possibility.
Well good grief Leahsue, that^^^ was kinda brilliantly handled!Another interesting twist tonight- when he called earlier my daughter was beeping in, and I said, oh it's D- you know today is her birthday so I probably need to get this. He said of course, in a very sweet way, and we got on off the phone. While I was talking to her, she said- wow, H is texting me. He said happy birthday, love you. I'm thrilled that he reached out to her (she's his step-daughter) and also find it interesting that he said love you to her. He doesn't say that to me yet. And as angry as she was at him at BD, she graciously texted him back and said "love you, too".
That couldn't have been an easy thing for either of them, and I'm proud they both felt ok with it happening.
I know it's a lot and if you two begin piecing, you'll begin a whole new chapter of weird work.
But still, this^^ is a LOVELY interchange that many LBSers would give an arm & a leg to have happen.
It's okay to be grateful. Gratitude doesn't increase our risk of heartbreak. Jeep, how am I really doing? I had to think about that one. The week after BD I remember saying to someone
, I just want to handle this nightmare with dignity and grace, no matter the outcome, and be able to look back on this knowing I took the high road and did my very best.
YES ^^^^^...yes, amen, exactly, affirmative, etc.I think I've done that, thanks in large part to finding this forum so quickly in. I've cried a million tears, felt despair so dark it was frightening, questioned everything I thought I knew about love and marriage and trust
, but also I've grown as a person, expanded my horizons, and none of that would have happened if I were still stuck in my complacency with my own life.
applause applause...
So all in all, I think I'm doing OK and going to be just fine, with or without H. I don't feel this way 100% of the time, but certainly a drastically higher percentage than even a month ago.
As you are discovering - it's not a linear process. Backsliding is to be expected. But the part of you that knows down deep you will be just fine with or without h...
that is the part that can grow & give you a peaceful strength you probably would not have discovered otherwise.
Pain is the touchstone for spiritual growth...(or bitterness and cynicism & victimhood)
in the end, it is our choice. I'm so impressed.
Thanks for keeping a check on me. You've become a good cyber-friend, plus you keep me laughing.
Friends,
I just have to share this moment with someone. These kinds of moments are the golden nuggets that can be found in the middle of a very dark chapter.
I just spent the lunch and afternoon with my daughter for her birthday. We had such a wonderful time, and after she got home she sent me this text message. I am so blessed to be her mother.
"Mom, I am so incredibly awe-struck by how proud of you I am. You are handling this "box of darkness" that you were given with such grace, dignity, self-awareness, introspection, self-care, self-love. It is really inspiring to watch. I love you." Then she wrote this quote from Mary Oliver- Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.
I think I'm going to add this quote to my signature.
That is so freaking awesome!
Friends,
I just have to share this moment with someone. These kinds of moments are the golden nuggets that can be found in the middle of a very dark chapter.
I just spent the lunch and afternoon with my daughter for her birthday. We had such a wonderful time, and after she got home she sent me this text message. I am so blessed to be her mother.
"Mom, I am so incredibly awe-struck by how proud of you I am. You are handling this "box of darkness" that you were given with such grace, dignity, self-awareness, introspection, self-care, self-love. It is really inspiring to watch. I love you." Then she wrote this quote from Mary Oliver- Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.
I think I'm going to add this quote to my signature.
I love this so much^^^....
It is another "moment" you can treasure. And never regret.
I don't want to be all pollyanna about this ordeal, b/c we know it stinks.
AND YET - this is a box of darkness you'd never have gotten without the ordeal & pain.
And you are converting it into an opportunity to model how to handle blows to the heart, setbacks and betrayal - for your daughter. She will face all of those sometime in her life, as we all do. But she will have you as a role model for what to do.
AND it would not have happened without this ordeal.
This^^ counts. This^^ matters.
You are making the best out of an ordeal no one wants to have.
You've taken the words "Pain is the touchstone for spiritual growth" - and implemented them.
Blessings & grace to you.
25years and Jeep,
You are both so awesome. I love reading everything you write, of course on my own thread, but everywhere you go on here, you spread hope and encouragement. What a gift!
Also 25 years- I cracked up at your reference to Pollyanna. My girlfriend and I use that expression ALL the time when we start to get too.... well, you know. LOL.
25years and Jeep,
You are both so awesome. I love reading everything you write, of course on my own thread, but everywhere you go on here, you spread hope and encouragement. What a gift!
Thank you, ma'am. You are doing a great job! You more than have this!
Well a bit of kick in the teeth.... UGH.
H just called and has had to postpone his visit. They changed the date of his office move from May 1st back to April 21, so his plan to come here April 12-20 has to move also. He sounded really disappointed and I believe he truly is, but I kept it very DB- which was harder than I thought b/c I don't think I realized how much I was looking forward to seeing him. Which may be a very good thing that it moved, considering that. I think I said all the right things and did not make it about me- acted AS IF it was fine either way for me, but when I got off the phone the dam burst and I just cried and cried. Such a letdown to think now it will be at least another month before I even see him. I'm fighting the urge to not answer my phone when he calls next, or to say things that are purely motivated out of my desire for reassurance, which I already know I won't get. I know that's not the DB way. But OH I HATE THIS. Oh well, more time to be working on me, I guess. Just needed to vent for a minute. Hope everyone is having a good Friday. Tomorrow is APRIL FOOL'S DAY, for all the fools out there who are letting us slip away.
Tomorrow is APRIL FOOL'S DAY, for all the fools out there who are letting us slip away.
Leahsue - Sorry you're not getting the visit and that it was hard on you. Thank you for the April Fool's Day comment above. Made my day!! Hope you have the best weekend ever!!
25mlc,
I AM HAVING A HARD TIME TONIGHT. If you're here, please give me some positive self-talk. I feel so sad. Like I want to give up and just either live here in this amazing house, alone, and give him up, or keep thinking this MAY work out. If he were on this board, this is what I would say~ Go To He$$. I am so tired of this. Let's just call this now, and you won't even have to "work" at trying to love me anymore. Someone else will love love love me, someday, and they will be one lucky SOB. Thank God for this place I can vent, b/c I will not stoop to this BS with him. I am a HOT MESS and I don't deny it. So much for "rockin it". HA.
Leahsue,
I hope you got a good night's rest. The hope or thoughts of it working out with y'all together can weigh you down so quickly. It's a daily fight and sometimes an hourly fight to not do that.
It's totally ok that you do this. We all do it. We all think about what we could have done differently in the past now that we see things clearer. We are all concerned about what the future holds with this BS cloud flying over us. But...
The beautiful thing is now is the only thing we can do. The present... today... enjoy it. I know it's not the weekend you planned, so now what will you make of it. The Leahsue I've read on here will be rockin it this weekend.
I wish you the best to have a great day TODAY.
Trying
tryin2figure,
Thank you for the swift kick in the pants that I needed this morning!!! When I read your post, I thought, you know what, you gotta get yourself up and back in the saddle. So I did! I went and bought flowers and shrubs, worked in the yard all day, and had like 6 different people stop by and chat, some I already knew, but some new faces too. So tonight I am tired but happy that it was both a productive day, as well as a fun one. Not quite back to rockin it, but hey, closer than yesterday.
Confession time. I know I should not have allowed this to continue, but since the BD I have still shared an Uber account with my H. Which means he pays for it (which is nice although I don't use it much here in the south) but it also means I get an alert on my phone when either I call for one, he calls for one, or his 19 year old daughter calls for one- all on the same account. I've tried to create my own account by deleting the app and re-loading it, but it still would come up under his name. No big deal. He mostly uses it in NYC during work hours, and unless I deliberately go into the app and look at Your Trips, I don't even know. But if I happen to have my phone right by, I hear the alert and I can actually see the car picking him up, and where he's going, etc.
THIS MORNING at 7am I am asleep and the alert goes off, Your Uber is on its way. (In NYC.) Well, who the he$$ needs an Uber to get home that time of day, unless it's been a very wild night. It made me sick. Before anyone says anything, I ALREADY KNOW I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS- smile- but I texted him and said- "Your Uber is on the way." He texted right back and said- Thanks, I'll let daughter know.
Well, whether it was H or D, I don't really care. It is bad on several levels, no matter who it was. But NONE OF MY BUSINESS. The more I've thought about it today, the madder it makes me. Reminds me that I ASSUME (and you know what that makes ME) he is not seeing someone or sleeping at other peoples' places, but in fact, I have no idea where he goes or with whom. I realize none of this would matter, except he calls every day, and appears to be wanting to re-build some kind of future with me. He called about noon but I just did not want to talk to him. I feel like life is passing me by, while I GAL and all that, I know, but I feel almost ready to just say to him, you know what? Don't call me for a while, I need to think about what I WANT, for a change. And I'm not sure it's him anymore. I figured out the reason the Uber account won't go away is b/c it is saved in my icloud. Going now to figure out how to delete from there. I really don't want to know where either of them goes, much less see it in real time.
I think you did okay considering. I see a lot of positive steps here, you working on your yard and engaging in chats with new friends. You are starting to get spunky and think about placing boundaries. Keep up the mask when engaged with your H, eventually the mask becomes the actual face. I watch The Tudors a lot to see grace and dignity when Catherine of Aragon is being portrayed. Silly but effective for me.
Hi Sara,
By keep up the mask with H, can you be more specific? I think this is where I may be slipping if I let him know I am feeling really tired of all this.
Also, I'll check out The Tudors. I'm watching Reign right now, and Mary, Queen of Scots is also a woman of grace and dignity.
Keeping the mask in place is showing a warm, happy, gentle and retiring person. I look at it this way, WH doesn't deserve to see my more vulnerable side yet. I get the fatigue, honestly I do. But letting them see your anger (which is really just a cover for sadness and pain) ends up making you lose all the ground you have gained.
So look confident, gracious and assured. This is attractive and "acting as if" usually becomes the reality. Like me you are waiting on some sort of dramatic change and this is counter to DBing. You are becoming a better you for the sheer sake of self improvement. Stop setting expectations because it will result in resentment. Easily said, extremely hard to do.
Now that makes sense. Thank you for taking the time to help me work through this very hard day. I have so much admiration for you, and for your sheer determination and stamina. To quote one of my favorite people- Glennon Melton- WE CAN DO HARD THINGS.
Cadet, can you send me a link to show me how to start a new thread?
Leahsue,
To start a new thread, simply go to the main page of the Newcomers and click "New Topic". You can name it what you want. Many people use their same title they originally post with Part 2, 3, 475 ;-) Many copy the link to their first topic so people can read up on your sitch. Hope this helps.
Saw your post about Uber. We've all done it. When my W went over to her female co-workers a few weeks back, I went in the "Find My iPhone" app to see where she was. Fortunately, I guess I had never linked her phone and my account. I didn't ask her anything, but I did feel like an idiot.
Glad you had a great day yesterday. And today is another one!!!
Trying
Thanks Trying,
I started a new one. Hopefully someone will link it to my old one. I have no idea how to do that.
Cadet, can you send me a link to show me how to start a new thread?
How to start a thread
I will use what Job wrote
First Click on Newcomers then:
Go to the top of the screen and there is a new topic box on the left hand side. Click on it and then you will open the window to create a new subject as well as a posting. It's the same way that you created this thread.
Plus How to link your threads
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2588047#Post258804