Ex wife has met someone else - DivorceBusting.com

Hi

I have been divorced from my wife for a month now. We were separate for a year. We have two young kids, 5 and 9 years. We still both own our house.

I have been hoping that because I got on well with my ex W, that we could have started dating again soon and hopefully reconciling at some point in the future.

I discovered last night that she has started dating another man. She says that she needs to have a life too and doesn't want to mope around anymore. She tried to ask me if I was dating anyone, almost to try and minimise her guilt and she then called me later in the evening asking me how I felt?

I was in no fit state to have a rational discussion as I feel devastated by what has happened. I feel like a fool for believing that things could have been different.

I live alone, I have not met anyone and I didn't intend to as I put all my hopes on my ex. We used to go out as a family with the kids to try and maintain some stability and I thought we were friendly. She wants to continue this occasionally but I have said no as I can't see how it would work. I also need to let her go now but feel that it's going to be difficult for me to deal with my emotions if I see her.

Has anyone been in this sitch? How do you deal it? moving on is my only option now but what should I do in the short term? I will still see the kids but I am thinking of selling the house now as its another tie that I don't need

Hi Excile, I'm sorry to hear that - but I think the central problem for you isn't that your W is dating - it's that you are struggling to let go and move forward/on following your divorce.

I hope this will help you accept that both you and your ex wife do now have separate lives apart from the important job of coparenting. I think you have been (perhaps unrealistically) hoping for a reconciliation right after divorce. But I don't believe your ex would have finalised the D had she felt inclined towards this. In the much longer term, who knows?

But, in the short term, please focus on yourself and rebuilding your own life after all that has happened. FWIW, I don't feel dating is a great plan just now - but I would encourage you to start doing some social things or other things you enjoy - and do them in that time when you don't have the kids.

I don't believe it is a problem to potentially be willing to consider a possible R further down the line. However, I do feel it is a problem to wait and hope against hope to the extent that you don't live your life independent of her. Perhaps this happening will help give you the forward momentum to really start letting go and accepting the end of the M.

You may want to google Divorce Recovery Workshop as I notice you're in the UK and people seem to find the workshop really helpful.

Excile,

I'm sorry that you are here. It's not an easy place to be but you'll find great support. This place has helped me immeasurably.

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I have been hoping that because I got on well with my ex W, that we could have started dating again soon and hopefully reconciling at some point in the future.

This sticks with me because I had originally thought the same thing. The thing to remember is that its ok to hold a place, but don't pin your hopes on it. I'll use my oft-said road analogy here - you and your ex are on two different roads. The unfortunate thing, is that your ex's road doesn't have room for you - just her. And where hers leads her is entirely up to her. You, on the other hand, can have room on yours for her, but just know that she may never travel it - your road is for you. You may not be able to see yours now, but its there. Just do the best you can for you.

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I discovered last night that she has started dating another man. She says that she needs to have a life too and doesn't want to mope around anymore. She tried to ask me if I was dating anyone, almost to try and minimise her guilt and she then called me later in the evening asking me how I felt?

This is one of the toughest, most bitter pill you will ever have to swallow. To know that an ex is dating is tough. Mine is. I hated it, but its out of my hands. Nor, really do I care anymore what she does as long as it has no affect on the kids. If you don't have to, don't talk to her anymore about this. And, don't concentrate on what she is/isn't doing. She's not your concern anymore. Tough times, my friend.

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We used to go out as a family with the kids to try and maintain some stability and I thought we were friendly. She wants to continue this occasionally but I have said no as I can't see how it would work. I also need to let her go now but feel that it's going to be difficult for me to deal with my emotions if I see her.

Kids bring an additional hardship into this. My advice, going out as a "family" after divorce to bring some sort of stability brings nothing but hurt and confusion for the kids. Some may feel differently, though. But to go out and make it seem like its all OK, then don't. Just don't.

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now but what should I do in the short term

Do things for you and the kids. What hobbies do you have? Find one that requires concentration and immerse yourself in it. For me, I love going to the gym - weights, hitting the bag, etc. You'll find that exercise is the single best anti-depressant there it. Hang in there. You'll be fine.

If going out with your ex causes you pain and confusion then don't do it. And I would seriously consider dating, not to start a new R but to boost your confidence. Or simply go to a meetup group (you can google local ones) and start hanging out with others hiking, salsa, whatever. There is a DBer on here who believes in the philosophy that the easiest way to draw back your spouse is to look like you are desirable. So even if you aren't dating kind of hint that you are. Be mysterious, if she asks what you are doing then just say, hanging out with someone. Nothing more. When you talk to her be busy, busy , busy. End the convo before she does, stop hanging on for her.

I am trying to figure out a new way of communicating with my ex without coming across as bitter or sulking. She is well aware that I am angry as I told her to stay the hell away from me. I'm sure that she probably doesn't care to much about messaging me as she is in that initial euphoria with this new man and is getting her needs met by contacting him. She seems to be respecting my silence and even asked me if I want to stop seeing the children for a while. I told her that they are still my kids and of course I want to see them. It's not their fault. I just can't stand the thought of seeing her.

I don't want to make any decisions right now that I will later regret. We split up five years ago and she was dating other men whilst I stood by and supported her when her relationships didn't work out. I hoped we would get back together and we did and had another child. I'm not sure what will happen this time round but I cannot sit by and watch men having her anymore. I am stronger than I was. I am financially secure and independent whilst she is not and is working two jobs. I wouldn't want her to be in financial trouble but I'm not prepared to be a safety net. I guess she never really saw what a divorce looks like as she still lives in the house and I still pay half the mortgage, give her money for the kids and maintained a good relationship even spending time together at weekends.

The house is now an issue. I would have to give her notice and place it on the market. I feel terrible for wanting to do this as the kids love their home but just the thought of a man in the house makes me feel sick. It was our family home.

I also don't want my actions to seem like a punishment. I'm not the bad guy, I just feel that she has taken advantage of my good nature/nice guy traits throughout the divorce and I can't let this continue now.

Obviously my feelings for her are not going to fade in a hurry. I would always try and leave the door slightly open but need to look straight ahead and move on somehow.

She comes from a divorced family where her parents had a messy separation. I don't think she wants to see that again but being friendzoned is not for me and I don't know any other way other than to cut my ties.

Dude, STOP!!! Stop with the mind reading (I guess her needs are being satisfied, etc, etc., ) You are so wrapped up in HER you can't see past your own face. Put boundaries in place for your emotional protection but stop planning out the separation/divorce unless you plan on filing tomorrow. Wait until your anger and resentment have colled (or at least can be compartmentalized) and then CALMLY approach your wife about the mortgage payments and stuff. Detachment is the key.

In the meantime what are you doing for yourself? It seems like you are obsessing over this OM instead of working on making yourself both emotionally and physically smokin' hawt! BE the man that others would be like, "Hey if you don't want him I DO!"

I know it knocks you down when you find out someone you love starts dating. My ex began dating while we were married and I was pregnant! But even my last boyfriend whom I loved very much began dating a new woman 5 minutes later and it hurt like he ll.

But what worries me is how you hinged all your decisions in life on her coming back right after divorcing you. That's a little scary. You are angry because she undid some plans you had that were based on her coming back. That was pretty unrealistic on your part.

She is a divorced woman who is free to date and yes, it hurts, but I don't know why you are so shocked by it

The truth is, you don't have a right to be angry with her. I think you might be more angry at yourself for planning your life on an expectation of her coming back after divorce. You need to take responsibility for this one.

How exactly did she take advantage of you being a Mr. Nice guy? You chose to be a mr nice guy because you thought it would get her back. It was actually kind of self-serving.

I know this hurts. It's not to say way in the future you won't have a chance. But you have to love your life as a divorced man as she is living her life as a divorced woman. You can do this.

Yes I did pin all my hopes on her coming back. She even approached me asking if I fancied going out one night without the kids. We were on good terms. I am angry with myself for reading this so wrong. I have now found out that she has already introduced the kids to him without even telling me. I have asked to see me later to discuss the changes that will no doubt happen, but she only wants to speak on the phone. She says that we never really talked about things in person when we were together. I am quite anxious to make some big changes in my life. I feel like the relationship I had with her this past year is deteriorating now and probably for the best as it will force me to act. I need to do something with the house but I fear it will make her move away closer to him and I won't be able to see the kids as much. Its all getting on top of me. I don't want to make anymore stupid mistakes, just decisive actions but I am aware how delicate things are.

Well, I would say there's no rush and when you are feeling so emotional isn't the time to be making big decisions. My advice would be to give things a little time to settle before you interact with her on 'future' type stuff....this doesn't need to be decided this week.

Were financials, custody, housing arrangements not resolved during the D process in any case?

Focus on settling yourself and then you can think about what works best in the longer term for you and for the kids..

I saw her in the gym today..she looked incredible..and I think this is my problem. I she has blown me away with her looks and body all these years. I'm a complete sucker. She then started interrogating me about what really happened to my car? (It was broken into the other night).

So on one hand I am lusting after her and she just talks to me like dirt. How can I see her for what she is for once? I would love to hear any ideas because I think this is a major part of the reason I can't let go.

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How can I see her for what she is for once? I would love to hear any ideas because I think this is a major part of the reason I can't let go.

There are no magic pills or techniques or words that would do it. Time is both your friend and your worst enemy.

**TRIGGER WARNING**

A friend once told me that what he did in your situation was to think about her doing unspeakable things to the guy. Works every time, or so I've been told.

I am realising now that I need closure before I can move on and detach. I had a row over the phone with her and I called her on all her cheating. She just tried to change subject and say it was in the past. Her new relationship has taken her over and doesn't want me contacting her now. Should I sit her down face to face? I really need this to end now

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I am realising now that I need closure before I can move on and detach. I had a row over the phone with her and I called her on all her cheating. She just tried to change subject and say it was in the past. Her new relationship has taken her over and doesn't want me contacting her now. Should I sit her down face to face? I really need this to end now

Closure is one of the most difficult things. I've come to realize that I probably won't ever get true closure in my case. That's why I'm having so much trouble.

Of course they will change the subject and deny. If you are going to call her out on this, you better be prepared to act on it - otherwise, don't do it as it would make you look even weaker...

I would leave her be Excile. You guys have been separated for a while and are now divorced and she has decided to date. Maybe she began dating before your D was finalised. But is that cheating as such? You haven't been in a relationship for some time.

If she is all into some new guy, I don't believe contact with her is going to help your cause or give you the closure you seek. You may want to explore other support avenues for yourself - I've already mentioned DRW, or perhaps an IC? Sometimes we need to find our own peace with things.

Truly, I think your current pain is less about what she is doing and more about how you are coping with and processing the end of your marriage.

I am finding it hard to process not only the end of the marriage but the fact that our new friendship that she wanted after the separation is now coming to an end. Nobody knows if her new relationship will work out but she is trying to give it her all and do things differently from when we got together.

so at this point, reconciliation is out of the question. The future is going to be different from what I had hoped. I read in the Michelle's Divorce busting book that only I will know when I have truly tried everything. I think I have now. My ex W says that our marriage did not work and she doesn't regret ending it when she did. I am so frustrated that I didn't get it right and feel I could have done more at the time but it's done now.

I will not stand in her way and leave her be. I have cut down communication with her to just answering child related questions, that I may get every few days. I feel I need to walk away but it's so difficult to admit defeat and start life again.

I was going to have a chat with her in a few days but it would probably be pointless now as sotto says. My concern is how I am going to be part of the girls lives when every decision and event that happens, she is discussing with her boyfriend and not me.

I keep busy at work, there is a girl I chat to that helps with the loneliness but nothing more. I am going to the gym, I am trying to reach out to old friends but I am also contemplating weather I should move to a different town as there are too many memories where I am. So much to think about and deal with, it's intoxicating.

You are their parent Excile, not him. He has no rights in respect of your daughters. He may come and go who knows - but you won't.

Do you and your W have specific agreed, written down arrangements WRT time with your children? If not, I think it is imperative to work towards this.

Yes, do make plans for yourself and work on accepting the end of the M - and the friendship you had hoped might lead to more. You can co-operatively coparent of course.

Yes, do reach out to old friends and make plans - but watch out with talking to women due to loneliness. Use the time to heal and work on your own issues would be my advice.

The arrangements made through the court only dealt with maintenance payments, division of assets and that the children would reside with the mother. actual times for me to spend with the kids was left to decide between ourselves. I stipulated on the document that no co-habitation would take place in the property if she were to meet someone else. The guy will have no right to spend more than a certain amount of time there.

as I said, the co-parenting was working well until she became distracted by a new love interest. I am hoping that once the initial courting is over, she may become more reasonable.

I'll give you an example. She has taken the kids to Disneyland with her sister. If she ever goes on a long trip, she sends photos and updates me on what the kids are up to. She has in the past, tried to keep me involved. This time, I have had one message that said " The girls are fine". That is all. I know she doesn't have to communicate with me but you can understand my frustration that she would rather discuss everything with someone she has only just met!

There are no words to describe how I am feeling. I thought it was bad enough that we separated but this new dynamic is absurd.

Originally Posted By: excile101

The arrangements made through the court only dealt with maintenance payments, division of assets and that the children would reside with the mother. actual times for me to spend with the kids was left to decide between ourselves. I stipulated on the document that no co-habitation would take place in the property if she were to meet someone else. The guy will have no right to spend more than a certain amount of time there.

as I said, the co-parenting was working well until she became distracted by a new love interest. I am hoping that once the initial courting is over, she may become more reasonable.

I'll give you an example. She has taken the kids to Disneyland with her sister. If she ever goes on a long trip, she sends photos and updates me on what the kids are up to. She has in the past, tried to keep me involved. This time, I have had one message that said " The girls are fine". That is all. I know she doesn't have to communicate with me but you can understand my frustration that she would rather discuss everything with someone she has only just met!

There are no words to describe how I am feeling. I thought it was bad enough that we separated but this new dynamic is absurd.

Hi excil,I'm sorry you and most of us are being put thru this torment its pain full,they have us on the floor,but we have to get back up ,stand up,how they are now is they don't care about us we are at the bottom of the list if on the list at all ,they only care about them self's and having fun,having the forbidden fruit and so on,its all about them not you,if you get in other way they will bulldozer you out of the way,we are the evil slave masters and they want the chains off,so they can do what they like when they like with who they like,you can't stop them you can't change them all you can do is detach to protect your self,there on a mission and thers no stopping them,

I agree Maly but it's not right. When you spend over a decade with someone, go through ups and downs, have children together, surely it's only human to treat the other person with some respect instead of rubbing their nose in it and shutting them out at the first opportunity. I would never do that to her, she is the mother of my kids and I always held her with high regard.

I think that the only revenge I can have is to leave her be and get her out of my heart and mind. Not sure how to actually do that though as everything is so raw. I don't really want to leave the town where we all live but we moved there together and have all our memories there. I also can't stand the thought of seeing her with him and our kids walking down the street.

Originally Posted By: excile101

I agree Maly but it's not right. When you spend over a decade with someone, go through ups and downs, have children together, surely it's only human to treat the other person with some respect instead of rubbing their nose in it and shutting them out at the first opportunity. I would never do that to her, she is the mother of my kids and I always held her with high regard.

I think that the only revenge I can have is to leave her be and get her out of my heart and mind. Not sure how to actually do that though as everything is so raw. I don't really want to leave the town where we all live but we moved there together and have all our memories there. I also can't stand the thought of seeing her with him and our kids walking down the street.

Hi my friend,yes all true,nothing we can do,just got to let it run its course,protect your self and take cover,look after your self try and keep your head above water don't let them take you down withem,I still can't get my head round it,its kinda not there fault its all connected to there child hood,

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its kinda not there fault its all connected to there child hood,

Those who have suffered severe childhood abuse react to things much differently than those who didn't. Some go into a "survival" mode and do what they have done since childhood. Some run. Some fight. Some lash out when previously "it wasn't their nature."

I'm not saying that those have to be treated with kid gloves, either - as they shouldn't. They are adults and excuses shouldn't be made. However, some are so damaged that no matter if kid gloves are used or not it wouldn't have made a difference. In their minds, we are abusing them again...just in another form.

Even though I know I would have reacted differently had I known things, I will not ever make excuses for her behavior. And neither should they.

This last week may have been the wake up call I have been needing for over a year now. I have so far ignored much of the advice given to me especially by sandi2, hoping that my ex was somehow different.
This week I was working out of town and although it was my weekend to have the kids, I said that I could be late picking them up by 5pm. She told me that she tickets for something and she was seeing the new guy. I apologized but said I'll do my best. She then started a vile torrent of manipulating abuse like I had never heard. She told me that if I didn't get back, her and the new guy would be putting the kids to bed together and seeing that they couldn't go out, she would have no alternative but to take the relationship to the next level and have a cosy night in of adult time. She then said that the new guy was willing to step up and be a dad to my girls if I continued to avoid my responsibilities as a father!

Then came the next phase, saying that she was going to sell all my belongings in the attic and seek more child maintenance from me.

I was so shocked. This is the woman that I have wrongfully kept in high regard and supported her all these years only to be shut out of her life and then treated in such a disgusting manner.

If she wants to sleep with this man, she will do it anyway. She does exactly what she wants and It's not my business anymore. She didn't go out in the end anyway, it was just a lie to control me.

I've had enough now. This woman is sub human and I feel like a complete sucker. I will start getting my affairs in order from Monday to cut off any easy blackmailing opportunities.

I want to go no contact with her but I don't want to alienate any information she may have about the kids. If I had my way, I would never see her again.

The problem now is, that the kids have been telling me that their mom doesn't play with them anymore. She leaves them to their own devices for much of the time and is constantly messaging her new boyfriend. She is so one track minded. Once she pursues something, everything else comes last. I wish I had the energy for revenge but I just want to get away now for my own sanity.

I need some advice.

I am trying to be sensible here as I am having more and more issues with the ex wife.

It seems that anything I say is being manipulated and have to deal with increasing aggressive interactions with her.

I don't speak to her about anything other than the children. I have tried to reason and even showed concern for her well being but she just barks at me and says it's none of my business.

I went to see the children do their gymnastics class yesterday afternoon. I always try and go when I can. This time, I was confronted by my ex, saying that I need to tell her if I am going to turn up as it's her place of work (she is the manager of the center) She wasn't working at the time. She found it appropriate to shout at me in front of the girls and made me feel like a criminal for wanting to see them.

I have tried to be reasonable and friendly and just seem to be greeted with increasing hostility. It's almost as if she is either being forced by her new man to push me away or it doesn't suit her for me to be in her life anymore. It feels like it would be easier for her if I just left town so she doesn't have to worry about the past.

Should I just stop all contact now? We are divorced but feel that although we had an amicable separation, the real issues are just starting to appear for no real reason.

What could be happening here?

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I went to see the children do their gymnastics class yesterday afternoon. I always try and go when I can. This time, I was confronted by my ex, saying that I need to tell her if I am going to turn up as it's her place of work (she is the manager of the center) She wasn't working at the time. She found it appropriate to shout at me in front of the girls and made me feel like a criminal for wanting to see them.

What is your custody situation? First of all, unless court ordered to stay away, you have every right to be there to see your kids. EVERY RIGHT. Doesn't matter if its her place of work or not. The bigger question is what is she hiding? Do you feel as if she is involved in some sort of parental alienation?

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Should I just stop all contact now? We are divorced but feel that although we had an amicable separation, the real issues are just starting to appear for no real reason.

What could be happening here?

She very well may be pushed by the OM, but it doesn't matter. Document everything. The only thing you can do is just not talk to her, except about the kids. That's all.

Now, if you haven't had any negatives regarding custody, get a copy of the practice schedule and say I'll be here every single one that I can. Don't sit hear her. Don't talk unless necessary. Something isn't right and I feel it may show its head sooner or later. Just be the best you can and the best Dad you can, period.

That is my concern. There is something she isn't telling me. She is very defensive and does not divulge any information about her life and hardly tells me anything about the kids. I don't even know what is happening at school.

She has always been secretive with an ability to twist everything round to make you feel like you're either a liar or going crazy. I think they call it gas lighting.

I cannot be sure if the OM is influencing her. I'm sure he doesn't want me in the picture but I think it's her way of pushing me out of her life as I'm not needed anymore.

I am in the process of removing all my belongings from the house and preparing to safe guard my assets. She emotionally blackmails me when she can and knows that I could give her notice to move out of the house at any time.

I just need to be careful as the woman I used to know has long gone.

What dangers should I be aware of when dealing with this sort of narcissist?

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That is my concern. There is something she isn't telling me. She is very defensive and does not divulge any information about her life and hardly tells me anything about the kids. I don't even know what is happening at school.

Something isn't right here. Not at all. How is it you don't know what's happening at school. What is the custody situation? You, as a Dad, have every right to that info. I'd talk to your lawyer pronto.

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She has always been secretive with an ability to twist everything round to make you feel like you're either a liar or going crazy. I think they call it gas lighting.

Mine is the same way. She's so good at it she even had me believing it. Haha.

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She emotionally blackmails me when she can and knows that I could give her notice to move out of the house at any time.

Why is she living there, then? They emotionally blackmail because they know they can pull your strings...as soon as you cut them, it stops.

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What dangers should I be aware of when dealing with this sort of narcissist?

Document, document, document. My ex-SIL give the term narcissist its true definition. No matter what you do, it will always be a fight. No way around it, unless you agree with them, that is.