Hi all,
Im after some advise from the community on my situation.
My wife and I have been together for about 7 years and today I told her I wanted to leave the relationship. Now I know that might sound weird as I'm coming here for advice, but the truth is that I don't want to leave.
We've had a pretty rough run of things over the last few years.
About 4 years ago, my wife and I lost our son soon after he was born. He was 11 days old when he passed away. He suffered severe brain damage due to lack of oxygen during the labour. We decided we wanted to have another baby, and we did, but we found out a few days after he was born that he had down syndrome. We've been lucky as he's healthy and there aren't any complications, but it has added another level of stress on our relationship. He'll be 3 in april. We've had another child who will be 1 in March and she doesn't have down syndrome.
As you can appreciate, our relationship has had alot of stresses over the years and I think we've struggled to deal with them and haven't focussed any attention on our relationship. Things have been getting worse between us and 2 days ago, my wife said she needed some time to figure out if she had the energy to work on our marriage, but she was leaning towards ending it as she couldn't see how we could make it work. This didn't come as a suprise as I know we've had issues.
When talking to her today, she said she doesn't know how or if we can fix things or if she has what it takes to try to because she doesn't have the energy. We've tried before, but in bursts and not consistently.
I do love her and I want to take some of the weight off her shoulders, so I said I was going to leave. I told her my reasons, in that I'm doing this because I love her. She asked me if I wanted to sit with it for a little, but I said no. This was really hard for me as I don't want it to end, but I want her to be happy and she hasn't been for a long time. Neither of us have been.
I left work early today to talk to her about the seperation. We both cried alot and held each other alot. It's actually the most love we've shared with each other for a long time. She said she loves me and is disappointed it's ended like this. She said it's not fair cause we're both good people. Even tonight, we've laid together on the couch and hugged and kissed alot and cried. She even kissed me goodnight and sat on my lap while we hugged.
I'm very confused cause she accepted my decision and has already told her family, but she has been more affectionate with me than ever before (well, since we started having issues). It's been the most affection we've shared in years. She wants to take the kids interstate where her family is for a month or so to get their support which I've agreed to. Part of me is hoping that the time away will make her want to try properly.
There has been no cheating involved or anything sinister, although she did say that she's realised she been verbally abusive towards me lately and she hates that's she's been like that. She said I don't deserve it.
She's also still suffering from post traumatic stress from loosing our son, something she didn't share with me until recently. I feel like a bad husband cause I should of known this and helped her. She is a very sensitive person and normally very loving which I think is making it harder for her to deal with loosing our son. Dealing ( or getting over as some people say it) with loosing our son is probably the wrong way to say it as I know I'll never get over that loss, but maybe struggling at dealing with it better.
Have I made a mistake by saying I'm leaving? She's been really upset and alot more loving towards me, but has also accepted my decision. I just really want to make sure that she is happy (and she's currently not by any stretch of the imagination) and to look after her, which is why I said I am leaving. That saying of "if you truely love someone you'll set them free and if they come back it was meant to be" is my reason for leaving. I told her this when I said I was leaving.
She said I had balls for doing that (excuse the language), but I do hope she comes back and gives us a chance at really making it work.
She is a beautiful soul who's been through alot in her life including having an abusive father and seeing her mother and grandmother being abused by their husbands. I walked into our room last night and she became immediately scared as she thought I was going to hurt her. Not because of me personally as I've never abused her, but because of what her father and grandfather did to their wives during their marriage and after their divorce. The first week of our honeymoon was stressful for her as her mother told her that the first time she was physically abused by her husband was on their honeymoon. My wife was worried that I would turn into that person.
We do love each alot and shes told me that a few times today, but maybe sometimes love isn't enough :-(
I'd appreciate any advise anyone may have.
Thanks in advance.
Sam.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sam22,
Why didn't you try marriage counseling prior to making a decision to separate? If neither of you are cheating, then it seems like an ideal situation to enlist a good marriage counselor.
Leaving your grieving wife to deal alone with a toddler with developmental delays and a baby is being loving how?
This is taking weight off her shoulders how?
Is she even able to sleep through the night, or are the kids waking her up?
I would have considered this a horrible betrayal.
Hi doodler,
We have tried seeing a marriage counselor, but we only saw her about 3 timess, but didn't feel that it helped much. There are alot of built up frustrations for both of us because of everything we've been through. The sessions didn't seem to be helping.
Rose, I understand why it might look that way, but I made the decision as she was telling me that she didn't have the strength to work on our marriage. When we spoke last, I told her that I would always be there for her and the kids and I still want to look after them. We're even considering still living in the same house so I can keep helping. The weight I'm trying to take off her shoulders is about having to put in extra effort into our marriage so she can focus on herself and I can still be there to support her and the kids financially and emotionally. If we agree, I'll still be going home to help out each night, plus with the kids waking up in the night. I do this now andd don't want to change that. I want to be involved in raising them.
***My wife and I have been together for about 7 years and today I told her I wanted to leave the relationship. Now I know that might sound weird as I'm coming here for advice, but the truth is that I don't want to leave.***
So did you lie to your wife or tell her the truth? You told her you want to leave...but you are telling us you don't want to leave.
***We've had a pretty rough run of things over the last few years.***
This is an understatement. Losing one child, having another with a disability, and then yet another...all in a very short period of time. Three pregnancies with all healthy children is taxing...your situation is off the charts taxing.
***As you can appreciate, our relationship has had alot of stresses over the years and I think we've struggled to deal with them and haven't focussed any attention on our relationship. Things have been getting worse between us and 2 days ago, my wife said she needed some time to figure out if she had the energy to work on our marriage, but she was leaning towards ending it as she couldn't see how we could make it work. This didn't come as a suprise as I know we've had issues.***
So how did you respond two days ago?
***I do love her and I want to take some of the weight off her shoulders, so I said I was going to leave.***
What Rose said...how does leaving take the weight off her shoulders? This seems like another weight ON HER SHOULDERS.
***I told her my reasons, in that I'm doing this because I love her. She asked me if I wanted to sit with it for a little, but I said no.***
Why did you say no? This is a major, life-changing decision.
***This was really hard for me as I don't want it to end, but I want her to be happy and she hasn't been for a long time. Neither of us have been.***
And how will separating make her happy?
***I left work early today to talk to her about the seperation. We both cried alot and held each other alot. It's actually the most love we've shared with each other for a long time. She said she loves me and is disappointed it's ended like this. She said it's not fair cause we're both good people. Even tonight, we've laid together on the couch and hugged and kissed alot and cried. She even kissed me goodnight and sat on my lap while we hugged.***
So you still love each other and can be physically affectionate?
***I'm very confused cause she accepted my decision and has already told her family, but she has been more affectionate with me than ever before (well, since we started having issues). It's been the most affection we've shared in years.***
So you haven't been physically affectionate in years?
***She wants to take the kids interstate where her family is for a month or so to get their support which I've agreed to. Part of me is hoping that the time away will make her want to try properly.***
Do you want to be an involved father?
***There has been no cheating involved or anything sinister, although she did say that she's realised she been verbally abusive towards me lately and she hates that's she's been like that. She said I don't deserve it.***
Is that why you are separating? Because she has been verbally abusive towards you?
***She's also still suffering from post traumatic stress from loosing our son, something she didn't share with me until recently. I feel like a bad husband cause I should of known this and helped her. She is a very sensitive person and normally very loving which I think is making it harder for her to deal with loosing our son. Dealing (or getting over as some people say it) with loosing our son is probably the wrong way to say it as I know I'll never get over that loss, but maybe struggling at dealing with it better.***
How have you grieved? How has she grieved? Have either of you had any counseling?
***Have I made a mistake by saying I'm leaving?***
If you feel you may have made a mistake, you need to tell your W ASAP!
***She's been really upset and alot more loving towards me, but has also accepted my decision.***
If she is really upset and crying and affectionate (actions), this means more than saying she has accepted it (words).
***I just really want to make sure that she is happy (and she's currently not by any stretch of the imagination) and to look after her, which is why I said I am leaving.***
How can you look after her if you are abandoning her and the children?
***That saying of "if you truely love someone you'll set them free and if they come back it was meant to be" is my reason for leaving. I told her this when I said I was leaving.***
From what are you setting her free? Is your marriage a prison--emotionally?
***She said I had balls for doing that (excuse the language), but I do hope she comes back and gives us a chance at really making it work.***
What do you want her to do/say more than she already has? Do you want her to beg, beg, beg you to stay and work on the M?
***She is a beautiful soul who's been through alot in her life including having an abusive father and seeing her mother and grandmother being abused by their husbands. I walked into our room last night and she became immediately scared as she thought I was going to hurt her. Not because of me personally as I've never abused her, but because of what her father and grandfather did to their wives during their marriage and after their divorce. The first week of our honeymoon was stressful for her as her mother told her that the first time she was physically abused by her husband was on their honeymoon. My wife was worried that I would turn into that person.***
This is yet another difficulty to deal with and it sounds like she hasn't individually and you haven't as a couple.
***We do love each alot and shes told me that a few times today, but maybe sometimes love isn't enough :-( ***
It sounds like she hasn't given up on the M, but you have...if you haven't...then think you should reconsider your separation decision.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm sorry for the difficult time your family has had Sam. And I agree with others that separating may feel like it would make things easier. But in practical and emotional terms it is likely to make things much more difficult for you both and for your family.
From all that you post it sounds as though you and your W still have love for each other. I would encourage you to see this crisis as a 'breaking point' in that things have to change - but not at 'breaking point' (or end) of the marriage.
I would dig as deep as you can and be as honest with your W as you can about how you truly feel and what you truly want. I would also encourage you both to see a good marriage counsellor (Google Gottman) and receive some supportive input to help you get your marriage back on a better path. You may also want to consider IC for one or both of you to work on healing past painful experiences too.
Best of luck with whatever you decide Sam
Hello Sam22,
I'm so sorry for the passing of your baby son and the situation you are currently in.
You mentioned that you went to MC three times and that it wasn't helpful. Not all MC are created equal. I'm happy to send you a link to one of Michele's videos regarding this topic. Please email me directly and I'll send it to you at no charge.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! Getting clarity on your goals is the best place to start. Speaking with a DB Coach would be enormously helpful at this time.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Life can be so unfair to couples/families. I am so very sorry you and your wife have suffered with these losses and disappointments. How soon did she become pregnant after losing the baby boy?
Did either of you attend grief counseling or parent groups? The emotional toll on your W has been great. The depression had to have sapped her emotional and physical energy, and then having two more children so close together (and one with special needs).....I can see why there wasn't a lot left at the end of the day to give to the MR.
Does she work outside of home and raising a family? Does she have emotional support from family & friends? Did you give her support when you would come home from work?
I feel that with sufficient therapy (for the abuse she witnessed, and for her loss, and for being a mother with a special needs child, and for issues in the MR)....plus group support from other parents with special needs children, it could make a healthier change in her and in the MR. Meeting with a group of parents supporting each other is amazing. I use to take part in such a group of mothers....and I'll tell anyone that I have the utmost respect for these parents.
Anyway, back to your M problems......I have a close family member who was asked by his W to leave. As they talked to their kids, she sat in his lap and appeared very sweet & loving....considering they were separating. Come to find out, it was her way of putting closure on their XX years together, and "showing the kids everything was still good between them"......(?) Blows your mind, doesn't it? Well, I hope this is not the case with your W, but please don't misread her show of affection. She may tell you she loves you, but still press for a separation. Some of that may be her emotional release, as strange as it may sound to you.
If separation comes, why stay in the house and continue doing the same thing? I mean, what's the point of having a separation if you aren't going to put space between you? You are quick to say how you will be there every night to help out, etc., but have you considered that she may not wish to have you there every night? I'm just trying to figure out the point to what you are planning.
I wonder if you thought you were doing what she wanted, but after seeing her affectionate response....you are regretting it. I don't think she had a change of heart....but I think she could.
Tell us more about her verbal abuse toward you. Did she do this with the kids, too? Any other behavior traits that was not like the girl you married?
So did you lie to your wife or tell her the truth? You told her you want to leave...but you are telling us you don't want to leave.
I told her that I would leave the marriage, but I didn't want to. Apologies, I should of been clearer.
So how did you respond two days ago?
I said I would do what she needed to help her figure out if she thought she had the energy to try to fix our marriage and offered suggestions on how we could make that happen.
***I do love her and I want to take some of the weight off her shoulders, so I said I was going to leave.***
What Rose said...how does leaving take the weight off her shoulders? This seems like another weight ON HER SHOULDERS.
Like I said earlier, the weight I would be taking off her shoulders would be about her having to stress about whether she thinks she can work on the marriage. She already said that she was leaning to the answer being a no.
***I told her my reasons, in that I'm doing this because I love her. She asked me if I wanted to sit with it for a little, but I said no.***
Why did you say no? This is a major, life-changing decision.
At the time, I honestly believed it was what she needed and wanted.
And how will separating make her happy?
To be honest, I don't know. Ive asked if she would be happier if I left and she said she didn't know.
So you still love each other and can be physically affectionate?
Yes, we do love each other and while we were being affectionate, I asked her if she was uncomfortable and she said no. Even when I left for work this morning, we hugged and kissed each other goodbye.
So you haven't been physically affectionate in years?
We haven't been intimate in over a year, and that's fine cause I know she has been under alot of stress and is tired alot. Ive tried to help with the stress and tiredness by taking care of the kids at night when they wake up and by making sure I help as much as possible when I get home from work. I don't get many opportunities to let her sleep in as I work 2 jobs, but I do whenever I can. Last weekend I got her to sleep until 10:30 and then when she got up, I told her to go to a local cafe and have a nice breakfast and have some time to herself. One of my jobs means I have to be up at 2am at least twice a week and the other morning's, I'm up at 4:30. I get home at about 4:30 in the afternoon so I can help her and the kids.
Do you want to be an involved father?
Without a doubt. One of the reasons for me suggesting that we still live in the same house is so I can be involved and to support her and kids financially and emotionally. I don't want her doing all this on her own, and I made that very clear to her.
Is that why you are separating? Because she has been verbally abusive towards you?
Not really. Like I said, I don't want to leave, but I do want to make her happy and if that means it's not being in a relationship with me, then I'm willing to accept that. I know she's not an abusive person and I know that it's a result of the other stresses Ive mentioned, which is why I try to ignore it as much as I can.
How have you grieved? How has she grieved? Have either of you had any counseling?
I haven't really grieved as I've always tried to make sure my wife was in first. We have been to counselling and she is still going.
If you feel you may have made a mistake, you need to tell your W ASAP!
I don't want it to look like that I'm thinking about myself cause it's what I want and not what she needs. I would love to tell her that I've made a mistake, but I am worried it will add that stress again.
***She's been really upset and alot more loving towards me, but has also accepted my decision.***
If she is really upset and crying and affectionate (actions), this means more than saying she has accepted it (words).
I hope so, cause we do really love each other.
How can you look after her if you are abandoning her and the children?
Like I said, Ive told her that I would still like to live at home so I can be there for the kids, watch them grow up and to support her financially and emotionally. She said I have helped her heal from alot of soundings (before our time together), and I said I wanted to keep doing that. She thanked me and then hugged and kissed me.
From what are you setting her free? Is your marriage a prison--emotionally?
At times it is and I know it's caused us both alot of grief.
What do you want her to do/say more than she already has? Do you want her to beg, beg, beg you to stay and work on the M?
No, I don't want her to beg, but this is why I'm confused. She's told me a few times that she doesn't think she can work on it and even if she did, so doesn't know how to fix it, but in the last 2 days, we've been more affectionate and loving towards each other than we have been in a long time.
***She is a beautiful soul who's been through alot in her life including having an abusive father and seeing her mother and grandmother being abused by their husbands. I walked into our room last night and she became immediately scared as she thought I was going to hurt her. Not because of me personally as I've never abused her, but because of what her father and grandfather did to their wives during their marriage and after their divorce. The first week of our honeymoon was stressful for her as her mother told her that the first time she was physically abused by her husband was on their honeymoon. My wife was worried that I would turn into that person.***
This is yet another difficulty to deal with and it sounds like she hasn't individually and you haven't as a couple.
No, she hasn't, and we haven't, but I do think it's a long term thing and she does trust me, it's that in certain times, her woundings come up and I do my best to love her through it.
***We do love each alot and shes told me that a few times today, but maybe sometimes love isn't enough :-( ***
It sounds like she hasn't given up on the M, but you have...if you haven't...then think you should reconsider your separation decision.
I hope she hasn't. I really do. I'm hoping that she comes back from interstate wanting to try to make it work. I haven't given up either as I do want to be with her.
Hi doodler,
We have tried seeing a marriage counselor, but we only saw her about 3 timess, but didn't feel that it helped much. There are alot of built up frustrations for both of us because of everything we've been through. The sessions didn't seem to be helping.
Rose, I understand why it might look that way, but I made the decision as she was telling me that she didn't have the strength to work on our marriage. When we spoke last, I told her that I would always be there for her and the kids and I still want to look after them. We're even considering still living in the same house so I can keep helping. The weight I'm trying to take off her shoulders is about having to put in extra effort into our marriage so she can focus on herself and I can still be there to support her and the kids financially and emotionally. If we agree, I'll still be going home to help out each night, plus with the kids waking up in the night. I do this now andd don't want to change that. I want to be involved in raising them.
Why does she feel like she has to put effort into your marriage right now?
You are both dealing with grief and loss, but she is also dealing with post-parturition depression and (if she's like most moms of young children) chronic sleep deprivation.
The ideal husband response to your wife is, "Don't even worry about the marriage for the next six months. Let's focus on you. I'm committed to you and the kids. I know you don't have any more to give."
And then you book her--just her--a night in a nice hotel with room service and tell her to take 24 hours for herself while you care for the kids. And think about what you can do to ease her burden. Hiring a cleaning service? A mother's helper?
It might be expensive, but so is divorce. I wouldn't go into debt for this, but I would stop paying toward retirement if that was the only way I could spring it.
And get individual counseling for both of you.
You've been dealt a rough hand, and you both need some support.
I hate to see a marriage end because of stress.
I posted this before I saw your response to Gordie. Sorry!
You're right rose. I should be doing that and I have said that in the past on a couple of occassions, but we seem to be snapping at each other alot more.
She has been away a couple of times without the kids and she's stayed in a nice hotel and had the nice breakfast etc, and she does seem alot happier when she comes home, but it's short lived.
2 weeks ago, she was booked into a floristry course as she loves working with flowers, only to find out when she got there, the course had been cancelled. I told her to stay in the city and to enjoy her time. Told her to go and have a nice lunch and to just walk around in the city and to have some time to herself.
I do try to make the most of the opportunities to give her some "her time", but I don't think it's been enough. She is the type of person who needs her own time to try to recharge, and I try to give her that time, but what she gets from that time is short lived.
Thanks sotto. I do really love her and would do anything to save our marriage. I just hope I haven't left it too late.
Thanks Cristy. I have just emailed you.
Hi Sandi2,
We did attend grief counseling, but she found it depressing and didn't want to go back after a couple of sessions. We tried a couple of them, but the same thing happened.
She doesn't work in your typical type of job. When we lost our son, we wanted to raise money for the hospital that took care of him, so we started selling flowers at the cemetery where he's been laid to rest. Thats now turned into a cafe / florist. we been able to donate about $18,000 so far. for a long time, she didn't want to go to the cafe as it was too hard for her to go to the cemetery. It's only been recently (last 3 months or so), that she's been ok with going, so she now works there on Sundays. we're using that time as a bit of a break for her from the kids and everyday life, plus she loves working with flowers.
She has alot of friends, but none that really offer her support in that way. Most of her family lives interstate and she doesn't feel comfortable with my family to receive support from them.
The times of affection between us have been when we've been alone and the kids are asleep in bed. when they're awake, we try to act normal so they don't pick up on our sadness. Our LO with downs is very sensitive and picks up on things easily, so we're making a concentrated effort to not let them see our sadness.
The reason I want to stay in the house is because I don't want to abandon her or the kids. I know she needs my help in different ways and I want to help and look after her. While leaving the marriage might relieve some of stress of having to think about if / how we could make it work, I'm not going to add the stress of her having to look after the kids alone. She is in a vulnerable state and has been for a long time. I feel she does want me there as it's difficult with the 2 little ones, especially with their night routine. I know she also feels safe when I'm home. She's told me a few times before that she feels anxious if I'm not home at night which is very rare.
The verbal abuse started a little while ago, and looking back now, and reading some of these posts, I can understand why. She was never like that and for her to admit it, was a very big thing for her and for me. Whenever we've argued before, the blame was always on me and when I had a valid point for being upset, she would find a way to shift the blame to me. Like i said, she never used to be like this, but considering everything, I can understand why she is.
She doesn't lash out at the kids, but I've gotten home a couple of times and there have been holes in the walls as she's punched the walls or she's thrown or damaged furniture. When this has happened, I tell her to go to our bedroom and to have a shower and have some time for herself to read a book or watch one of her favorite tv episodes and I'll take over looking after both of the kids. She'll come back down maybe 2 hours later feeling much better and apologizing. I always re-assure her that there's no need to apologise cause I know it's hard.
You are both dealing with grief and loss, but she is also dealing with post-parturition depression and (if she's like most moms of young children) chronic sleep deprivation.
The ideal husband response to your wife is, "Don't even worry about the marriage for the next six months. Let's focus on you. I'm committed to you and the kids. I know you don't have any more to give."
Sam22--I think Rose's advice is awesome. I second it wholeheartedly. Rose knows what she's talking about. If you are both unsure about the future of your marriage...and you both say you love each other and are affectionate...then I think you need to buy yourselves time...you deserve time before making any big decisions like separation or divorce...the beginning of Divorce Remedy talks about the illusion of divorce and that people who are in stressful situations convince themselves that if only they divorce, then their problems will go away...and it's just an illusion...I don't see divorce helping either of you resolve your big issues...if for some reason you deal with all of your big issues and you still want a divorce, then tackle that question at that time...divorce without children is complicated...divorce with children is really complicated...it will only add to the burden/stress of your lives...
If you're both so loving to each other, why is anyone leaving? What else do you think you'll find out there that you don't already have?
Sam, it's clear from the additional details that you shared that you are dealing with a lot yourself, and you are doing a lot right.
One thing you don't seem to understand is that your wife probably needs breaks often and regularly. You mention that breaks don't seem to help for long. It's like eating. It's not a once-in-a-while thing. I'm thinking time alone a couple of times a week, or an hour every night. Something she can count on.
Even for people who aren't grieving and don't have PPD, the toddler years can be rough.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and get you guys through the next few years.
You're right rose. It does need to be a regular thing. I'm thinking of going home today after work and telling W that as soon as I get home from work in the future, she has to go and have at least an hour to herself, regardless of what's going on with the kids. I want to tell her that I don't want to leave and that I don't expect her spend time or effort on working on our marriage as she has other things to work on that are more important and that I'm not going to give up on us No matter how long it takes or how hard it is, I'm going to help her with her healing process.
(((Sam22)))
I always say that a nanny or housekeeper after my son was born would have saved our marriage. I was awful post partum. I really really resented my husband at that time. I think there was little he could do because I was just so hormonal.
Just keep being understanding and forgiving and empathetic. Get the right marriage counseling. Dont give up. Dont give in to resentment. The above advice is spot on. It will get better.
My brother and his wife went through a similar situation as you almost 4 years ago. They each mourned in their own way and it certainly was/is not easy. My nephew was absolutely beautiful and I think about him all the time. Your donation to the hospital with the sale of flowers is incredible.
Best of luck in getting through these painful times. You both sound like wonderful people and parents.
J.
Thanks jujub.
We did have a nanny for about 2 months come every day to help out, but it started getting really expensive. It was costing us over $700 a week. My wife decided to stop using her as she felt she was getting better with handling 2 young children. I'm also trying to find a way where I can leave my day job so I can be home with her and the kids. I've built an app that I'm launching shortly which I'm hoping will replace my wage so I can support her at home, or at least get the nanny back for a couple of days a week. It's taken me about 6 months to build it, so hopefully it's worth it. I rarely let that time take away from helping my wife. I would normally get into work at 4am to work on it before I started my day job or work on it while working at the florist shop, or I would work on it after she went to bed. I tried to make sure that whenever I worked on it, it wouldn't impact my wife or add extra pressure on her.
A couple of things you may want to think about Sam in terms of resources. People seem to find the Retrouvaille workshops really helpful and also you may want to have a look at the His Needs Her Needs book to really understand what needs we hope to have met in a marriage or relationship.
Remember that marriage is about both your needs and managing to convey what those are and ask what you need to do. Don't assume you know what your W needs at this point - ask her what she feels is the way forward and what she needs.
Just in terms of the website and your regular job. I would urge caution there and make sure you don't make an already stressful situation more so by the loss of regular earnings. Also, are you burning yourself out a little there? You can't be all things to all people you know?
Can I also ask - honestly, what unmet needs (which lead to resentment) do you think you have within the marriage?
She doesn't lash out at the kids, but I've gotten home a couple of times and there have been holes in the walls as she's punched the walls or she's thrown or damaged furniture.
Anyone else know about her punching holes in the walls and throwing/damaging furniture?
I always say that a nanny or housekeeper after my son was born would have saved our marriage
I can't wrap my head around this one.
I always say that a nanny or housekeeper after my son was born would have saved our marriage
I can't wrap my head around this one.
What confuses you about it? It makes perfect sense to me.
She doesn't lash out at the kids, but I've gotten home a couple of times and there have been holes in the walls as she's punched the walls or she's thrown or damaged furniture.
Anyone else know about her punching holes in the walls and throwing/damaging furniture?
I've spoken to her brother a couple of times as I know she needs help, professional help rather than the spiritual helpers she prefers to see, but she feels strongly about the spiritual helpers and can't connect with someone in the medical world. Ive told him I need help in trying to help my w, but nothing really happens. They'll call her once to talk and that's as far as it goes. She is against medication.
Let me ask this - saying that a housekeep/nanny could have saved a marriage is suggesting that deeper things lie. It's like putting a band aid on a hole in a dam when there are cracks all over.
I'm thinking of going home today after work and telling W that as soon as I get home from work in the future, she has to go and have at least an hour to herself, regardless of what's going on with the kids. I want to tell her that I don't want to leave and that I don't expect her spend time or effort on working on our marriage as she has other things to work on that are more important and that I'm not going to give up on us No matter how long it takes or how hard it is, I'm going to help her with her healing process.
Id say for now, just be patient. I think its OK to say that you have reconsidered moving out (which I think is an incredibly terrible idea), but otherwise, please please do not go into fix-it mode. This is going to be an incredibly long journey and it isnt going to be 'solved' by one thing in one day. So for now, read, educate yourself and keep posting so that you can absorb knowledge before you start making this snap decisions.
For example, above. This sounds unsustainable and controlling. Youre going to "make her" leave for an hour? Thats ridiculous. Instead, use your actions to allow her to have some quiet time - "Ill do bath and bedtime tonight. You can take the night off if youd like." Or "Im going to get the kids to bed and then Im planning to head out to XYZ". This gives her alone time without you having to 'prescribe' it for her.
Let me ask this - saying that a housekeep/nanny could have saved a marriage is suggesting that deeper things lie. It's like putting a band aid on a hole in a dam when there are cracks all over.
Not at all.
No one is saying that a nanny or housekeeper could save every marriage.
But when troubles are still relatively small and new, a housekeeper or nanny can give a couple a bit of breathing room and emotional energy to repair the cracks.
People who are stressed and tired are almost never at their best. Chronic stress and exhaustion can add more and more cracks and widen the existing cracks. Removing the stress can prevent that, and even reverse it.
Some marriages on here have much deeper problems. Others have issues that started small and could probably have been fixed while they were still small if the partners had had more energy.
Just in terms of the website and your regular job. I would urge caution there and make sure you don't make an already stressful situation more so by the loss of regular earnings. Also, are you burning yourself out a little there? You can't be all things to all people you know?
Can I also ask - honestly, what unmet needs (which lead to resentment) do you think you have within the marriage?
I don't plan on resigning until I know if the app will work.
My family has commented to me that they think I am doing too much, but I feel stuck in between a rock and a hard place. My W needs help so I want to be able to be home with her, but I need to work to support the family. I did alot of extra hours to pay for the nanny for that period, and my w and her family got upset with me cause I was working alot. I really wish I didn't have to, but I didn't have any other options. What makes it even more frustrating, is that my wife's mother was living 5minutes from us and was helping, until she decided that "it didn't feel right being in Sydney". Shes from Brisbane and moved to Sydney to help my wife. My w will be staying with her when she goes interstate to Brisbane which worries me as well. We've never got along for different reasons (she refused to be here when my w had her baby shower for our second child)
Regarding the unmet needs, it's probably more about double standards. A few days ago, I took the kids to visit my sister while my w was working at our florist. I told her that I'd head home when the kids were due to sleep. She didn't like the idea and thought it would be better for me to get them home earlier, but she has no issues doing what I wanted to do when she goes to her brother's place. It took 15 minutes before she said it would be ok. When she's mentioned it to me, Ive had no issues with it. Another instance on the same day was she got home 30 minutes late from the florist, which again, I don't have an issue with, but 2 days earlier, I was home 10 minutes later than she thought I should be and she called me as I drove into the garage and started abusing me. When she got home from the florist 30 minutes late, I told her that I wasn't upset because she was late, but if the roles were reversed, she would of become angry, and she agreed.
Good point, Rose. Learn something new every day.
I will add that band aids can't fix underlying cracks. However, I do agree. Thanks!
I'm thinking of going home today after work and telling W that as soon as I get home from work in the future, she has to go and have at least an hour to herself, regardless of what's going on with the kids. I want to tell her that I don't want to leave and that I don't expect her spend time or effort on working on our marriage as she has other things to work on that are more important and that I'm not going to give up on us No matter how long it takes or how hard it is, I'm going to help her with her healing process.
Id say for now, just be patient. I think its OK to say that you have reconsidered moving out (which I think is an incredibly terrible idea), but otherwise, please please do not go into fix-it mode. This is going to be an incredibly long journey and it isnt going to be 'solved' by one thing in one day. So for now, read, educate yourself and keep posting so that you can absorb knowledge before you start making this snap decisions.
For example, above. This sounds unsustainable and controlling. Youre going to "make her" leave for an hour? Thats ridiculous. Instead, use your actions to allow her to have some quiet time - "Ill do bath and bedtime tonight. You can take the night off if youd like." Or "Im going to get the kids to bed and then Im planning to head out to XYZ". This gives her alone time without you having to 'prescribe' it for her.
When I got home, I said "why don't you go and have a shower and have some time to yourself. I know youve had a rough day" she told me earlier that she was struggling with the kids. she responded by saying "how did u know" and "thanks" she also wanted to me get her if I needed her help, and I told her that I'd be ok and I'll handle it.
Great responses, Sam. Good on ya!
So I got home tonight and after the kids went to bed I spoke to my w and told her I didn't want to leave the marriage. I explained that I still love her and I wanted to be there as her husband to support her with her healing process.
She said she was surprised as she's already started trying to come to terms with the end of our marriage.
I told here that I still thought she should go interstate to see her family, but rather than using that time to decide if she has the energy to work on it, she should use the time to work on herself.
I also said that I thought neither of us were in the right headspace to make such a big decision like this and we should both work on ourselves first. She agreed, but also said she can't guarantee that she would come back without thinking about it and without making a decision. She also said she doesn't know how long she would be there for. She said anywhere from a month to 3 months, but she doesn't know. Part of me is worried that she won't come back at all even though she's said that she feels being in Sydney is her home. I know her family will be telling her to do what's right for her, but they'll probably be doing it while she's not in the right space and she'll decide to leave.
The feeling I got was that she doesn't want to be in the marriage. Her comments were more negative than positive, but she's still affectionate towards me. Still kissing and hugging me. I'm just very confused at the moment.
My gut feeling is that she wants out of the marriage cause it's all too much to deal with and she's too damaged by everything we've been through. I think she can't see a way forward. She is a very sensitive person which I think is making it harder.
My gut feeling is that she wants out of the marriage cause it's all too much to deal with and she's too damaged by everything we've been through. I think she can't see a way forward. She is a very sensitive person which I think is making it harder.
Sam22,
One of the hardest things to come to terms with is the fact that our spouses (in my case, ex) are on their own road - and that road doesn't have room for us. Maybe one day it will. Or maybe it won't.
What you must do is use this time wisely. Work on yourself. For you. No one else. I talk about hobbies a lot in other threads, because they are great for a number of reasons. Others talk about socializing. Or sports. Or whatever. For me, one of the things that helped me the most were my hobbies. I told the story of how I got back into model building after BD...something that I hadn't done since childhood, really. It helped me immensely because it forced me to concentrate on something. That's what's needed. Find something that consumes your thoughts when doing it. Another was mountain biking for me...cant let your mind wonder there.
What I am saying is that you have the incredible gift of time. Use it wisely. Don't concentrate on her...concentrate on yourself. Be the best you can. Change comes from within and not overnight. Maybe she'll notice, maybe not. Either way, you'll be better off for it. And if there is another in your future, then she would also be better off.
Fair winds and following seas, my friend.
Thanks Cristy. I have just emailed you.
Hi Sam,
I sent you an email today. Did you get it?
Cristy
I also said that I thought neither of us were in the right headspace to make such a big decision like this and we should both work on ourselves first.
My thought is that you should stop phrasing this as 'we' and start focusing more on 'I/me'. You should stop presuming to know what kind of mental/emotional state she is in. It's perfectly OK to explain your wants/needs/plans to some extent, but to try to control the way she makes her decisions isnt going to turn out well for you.
Thanks Cristy. I have just emailed you.
Hi Sam,
I sent you an email today. Did you get it?
Cristy
Hi Cristy, I did. Thankyou. It's 6:30 am here and I'm waiting for my w to wake up as I'm looking after the kids at the moment. Hopefully I can contact you shortly.
I also said that I thought neither of us were in the right headspace to make such a big decision like this and we should both work on ourselves first.
My thought is that you should stop phrasing this as 'we' and start focusing more on 'I/me'. You should stop presuming to know what kind of mental/emotional state she is in. It's perfectly OK to explain your wants/needs/plans to some extent, but to try to control the way she makes her decisions isnt going to turn out well for you.
Thankss kaizen, I'm not presuming what state she is in. She's told me. The reason I used "we" is to let her know that I nneedto work on things as well and that it's not all herr and I don't feel I was trying to control her decision process, but more trying to highlight that big decisions like this shouldn't be made when the persons headspace isn't right.
I'm not presuming what state she is in. She's told me. The reason I used "we" is to let her know that I nneedto work on things as well and that it's not all herr and I don't feel I was trying to control her decision process, but more trying to highlight that big decisions like this shouldn't be made when the persons headspace isn't right.
Im sorry if Im coming across as pedantic. Im not trying to pick on you for this one example. My point is kind of general.
To me, saying "we should work on ourselves before making this decision" IS controlling. As I said originally, I think it's a much better phrasing to say "I realized that I was in no state of mind right now to make any big life decisions. I need some time to consider what I want before taking any actions."
By saying 'we', it assumes her state. Sure, she may have told you something, but to me, it involves some level of interpretation and analysis on your part and theres a chance you get it wrong. And theres a chance that she has changed her opinions since you last talked. To me, pulling her into your decision space is not going to work out well for you. The example phrasing I gave above leaves no room for argument or discussion; it is what you have decided about you. Your phrasing involving her leaves many avenues for her to dissent.
See the part I bolded above -- that's your opinion. I imagine she has already thought about this decision for far longer than you even realize. So now youre expecting her to go off and take more time? was her original thought time insufficient? What are you expecting of her in order to get into the 'right' headspace?
Hi all,
Could really use some advice right now.
After I told my W that I didn't want to leave, she said she needed to let it sink in and we'll chat tonight, but she was very pessimistic last night. Which makes me think she won't want to try or has already checked out, but then she hugs and kisses me good night.
This morning she's kissed me and given me a hug and it's really messing with my head. I can't think straight. She wants me to look after the kids and be happy around them while she does some business paper work, but all I want to do is leave the house. I'm finding it really hard to be happy around the kids. I don't know why I'm getting these mixed messages. is that normal in these situations?I'm really struggling to cope today. Any advice right now would be really welcomed. U
You're getting mixed messages because, at best, she's confused herself. At worst, she's being manipulative.
Why do you want to leave the house? You mean for a couple hours, or move out?
You're getting mixed messages because, at best, she's confused herself. At worst, she's being manipulative.
Why do you want to leave the house? You mean for a couple hours, or move out?
Just for a few hours to clear my head. I can't think straight. I know if I ask to leave for a few hours, she'll get upset and think that she can't rely on me. She asked me not to work today so I could look after the kids while she did the paperwork for the business.
I ended up staying but took an extra couple of cigarette breaks which helped me through it.
We'll be chatting in about an hour or so once the kids go down. Don't know what she'll say, but my guess would be that she still wants the divorce. Any advice on how I should respond considering its not what I want?
Thanks all.
If she says she still wants out, should I put a stop to the affection?
If for no other reason, you should stop b/c of the effect it has on your ability to think clearly.
If she says she still wants out, should I put a stop to the affection?
Why would you want to be affectionate with someone who does not have the desire to return it?
Update: after our chat a couple of days ago, we both agreed that we need to work on ourselves and try to heal from loosing our and other challenges we've had before we can make our marriage work the way it should. We both want it to work, so we aren't going ahead with the divorce. She will still be going interstate to get extra support from her family for a little while and during that time, I'll be trying to get some help as well.
The last 3 days have been really good. We've been compassionate and loving with each other. We've been looking out for the other person and supporting each other as best we can. I'm trying to give her as much "her time" as possible and she's doing the same for me. She is struggling with the kids, but I've been trying to get home earlier from work to take over from her and she'll go off for a bit to recharge. Our youngest one is still not sleeping through the night and we found a service where a trained sleep consultant will spend 2 nights with us toq help get our youngest into a better sleep routine. My wife is so excited about the potential of more sleep.
I know it's been good for the last few days, but I also know we have a long road to travel and it won't be quick.
One thing that's really helped me is to let go of all of my expectations. I think I've had a lot of expectations of my wife, and it's been totally unfair on her. All it's done is made me angry when they weren't met while causing her stress and tension between us. She's commented tonight that I seem more relaxed and grounded.
The affection is still there, but it feels different now. It doesn't feel like an obligation.
You're getting mixed messages because, at best, she's confused herself. At worst, she's being manipulative.
Why do you want to leave the house? You mean for a couple hours, or move out?
Just for a few hours to clear my head. I can't think straight. I know if I ask to leave for a few hours, she'll get upset and think that she can't rely on me. She asked me not to work today so I could look after the kids while she did the paperwork for the business.
If she asks you to watch the kids and you need to physically remove from your situation, just say "I'm taking the kids out for..." choose your adventure...go to a park, a playground, the movies, anything...you both get much needed space and you get some bonding time with the kids.
Update: after our chat a couple of days ago, we both agreed that we need to work on ourselves and try to heal from loosing our and other challenges we've had before we can make our marriage work the way it should. We both want it to work, so we aren't going ahead with the divorce.
Let's focus on you. What are you going to do to work on yourself?
I hope you both can get help and she can get rested. Sleep deprivation can have bad side effects.
At least she is not talking divorce, at the moment....right? Maybe you will be able to relax your nerves a bit.
Sam, how long has it been since just the two of you were able to get away for a weekend? She might not be comfortable leaving the children in the care of someone else, but she seems so physically frazzled that it must affect her emotions and thought pattern.
I think I have asked once before, but is she a SAHM?
Update: after our chat a couple of days ago, we both agreed that we need to work on ourselves and try to heal from loosing our and other challenges we've had before we can make our marriage work the way it should. We both want it to work, so we aren't going ahead with the divorce.
Let's focus on you. What are you going to do to work on yourself?
I'll start by going back mto martial arts training. I stopped going because of the time the classes were on. They were on when the kids needed to be fed and bathed. I'll find another place with times that are more suitable.
I hope you both can get help and she can get rested. Sleep deprivation can have bad side effects.
At least she is not talking divorce, at the moment....right? Maybe you will be able to relax your nerves a bit.
Sam, how long has it been since just the two of you were able to get away for a weekend? She might not be comfortable leaving the children in the care of someone else, but she seems so physically frazzled that it must affect her emotions and thought pattern.
I think I have asked once before, but is she a SAHM?
I hope we can both get some rest as well. I know she'll cope better if she's had a decent night's rest.
No divorce talk. Just talking about working on ourselves and looking at other stresses in our lives and how we can alleviate them.
We haven't been away together (just her and I) for years. I think after loosing our son, she doesnt want to be away from the kids for too long.
Yep, she is a SAHM, but she does work at our florist 1 day a week. That's just to get her out to have other adult interaction and conversations rather than being a mother all the time.
Hi sandi2,
Doing sort of ok. Things have been better between us, but she is still going interstate in about 10 days time. We've both agreed that we need to work on ourselves before we can make our marriage work, so we've been mindful of the other person and trying to help each other out as much as possible. This week has been hard as the kids have been sick and haven't been sleeping well. I've organised a night nannie to spend some time with us to help us get our 11 month old into some sort of sleeping patterns. Self settling and the sorts. It's helped, but it takes a couple of weeks for it to really work.
I'm still concerned that when she goes interstate and spends time with her family, alot of the blame and issues will be towards me, rather than the real issues like the loss of our son, my wife's struggles with the kids , the post traumatic stress. I'm also worried that when our little one starts sleeping through the night and my wife gets some decent sleep and feels better, that she may think she's feeling better cause she's away from me. Then again, maybe she will be.
Her family have no idea of her stresses other than the stuff I've told them. They're a bit airy fairy and like to think everything should be perfect and there shouldn't be struggles in a marriage. so I think they'll try to convince her that she'll be happier by ending the marriage And that a marriage shouldn't be that hard.
Hi Sam
Marriage is hard work and throw in the type of stress and loss and hardships that you and your wife have had to face these past years makes it even harder. It might not be you or your marriage that your wife is upset over, but her life in general.
Most of the posters on this board have spouses that were cheating, abusing drugs, or alcohol, gambling issues etc. Not all of our perspectives or experiences will necessarily apply to you or situation.
Your wife is not one of these cheating, lying, abusive spouses. She is a spouse in need of support, affection, love, and loyalty. She is a spouse that (like you) has had to endure the greatest suffering one could possibly endure and is having trouble coping.
Have you tried one of the DB counselors? I found mine helpful and feel that had I used mine earlier in our situation our marriage could have been saved. Much of her advise was actually not what was recommended by many posters on these boards. She recommended cultivating a friendship instead of going dark.
Hi jujuB,
I have started speaking to one of the db counselors and she has been very good. She's recommended cultivating the friendship which is what I've been doing this week, and it has had positive effects.
I understand as is having difficulties coping with everything and I've tried to help her get help from different people. I've struggled to help her through it cause sometimes I don't know what to do.
I try to be loving, caring and compassionate, but sometimes I fail.
I've even called her family and said that she needs some extra help and I'm struggling to help her, but they'll only call once and then nothing after that. I don't think they even know about the post traumatic stress that she's recently been diagnosed with.
She doesn't get on with my family, so I can't get their help.
She can hide things very well, so alot of her friends have no idea. I've called a few of them and asked them to take her out for dinner and a movie on a few occasions because she's had a rough day with the kids.
We haven't been out together (just her and I) for a long time cause she won't leave the kids with my family, and she doesn't have much family here in Sydney.
Ive arranged for baby sitters a few times, but it gets expensive.
Hi jujuB,
I have started speaking to one of the db counselors and she has been very good. She's recommended cultivating the friendship which is what I've been doing this week, and it has had positive effects.
I understand as is having difficulties coping with everything and I've tried to help her get help from different people. I've struggled to help her through it cause sometimes I don't know what to do.
I try to be loving, caring and compassionate, but sometimes I fail.
I've even called her family and said that she needs some extra help and I'm struggling to help her, but they'll only call once and then nothing after that. I don't think they even know about the post traumatic stress that she's recently been diagnosed with.
She doesn't get on with my family, so I can't get their help.
She can hide things very well, so alot of her friends have no idea. I've called a few of them and asked them to take her out for dinner and a movie on a few occasions because she's had a rough day with the kids.
We haven't been out together (just her and I) for a long time cause she won't leave the kids with my family, and she doesn't have much family here in Sydney.
Ive arranged for baby sitters a few times, but it gets expensive.
Quick update. During a general discussion today, my wife mentioned that she feels like sometimes she wants to distance herself from everything that reminds her of loosing our son, like our shop, our home and me.
I feel like saying "how will getting a divorce make things better?" I haven't said that and I won't. Just feeling angry, but sad for her at the same time.
I feel angry cause I feel like our family unit will be punished by something that was out of our control. I feel anger towards her brother's wife. She was in the delivery room when our son was being born and the doctors said they wanted to operate rather than progress with the natural birth and she said that they should keep trying to deliver naturally. Our son passed as he suffered severe brain damage due to lack of oxygen 30 minutes before he was born. Q
That's a lot to deal with. Why did the doctor listen to your SIL? Did she convince your W to proceed with natural birth?
That's a lot to deal with. Why did the doctor listen to your SIL? Did she convince your W to proceed with natural birth?
I'm not sure why they listened to her. I overheard bits and pieces of it in the background while I was with my W trying to support her through the contractions. I'm angry with myself for not taking more action and also feel blame for our son's death. I didn't realise how serious things were at that stage. My W didn't know anything about it until we met with our obstetrician about a month after our son's passing, and to be honest, I didn't connect the dots until then.
hi all. so my wife has gone interstate and is staying with her mother. its only been 4 days, but ive missed her and the kids. its been quite difficult. We've spoken a few times every day. I found out kast night that our littlest one (almost 12 months), took her first steps. it tore me apart knowing that ive missed it. ive been speaking to her brother and a different sister in law, and they are upset with my wife as they know she wont get the support she needs from her mother. they are upset that shes taken the kids away from me (albeit for a couple of months). they are upset cause she has basically made it difficult for our kids to see me (because of the distance). her brother said that i do too much for her and that she taken it for granted. hes suggested i dont contact her for a while so she can appreciate the support i guve her. i believe this is called going dark? or something like that. ill be seeing them all in about 10 days for our littlest ones first birthday. what does everyone recommend?
another update. W is thinking about coming back to sydney as she is nkt getting the help she thought she would.
she wants to come back, but into her own place so she bas time to heal and to decide if she can or wants to work on the marriage. im nkt sure when she's coming back to sydney as she wants to find somewhere to stay first. Any advice on what i should do or the best way to handle everything?
Maybe treat her as a friend coming back? I mean, offer support and help but don't go overboard.
I think I have been going a bit overboard. Ive been there (on the phone) when she's had issues with her family interstate) and I'm helping her find a place back in Sydney. We normally speak 2 to 3 times a day and I'm starting to think that I might need to cut it back to every second day. I'd be interested to know what people thought.
I was with her and the kids last weekend for about 4 days and we pretty much spent the whole time together (with the kids as well). We had a few hours to ourselves on my last day there and she said she enjoyed that time. We slept in the same bed each nighy and we were loving towards each other the whole weekend.
We both know that we need to work on ourselves first before we can make the marriage work and she does struggle with looking too far into the future. She said she can only focus on the next immediate step as it becomes too overwhelming for her to think of anything but her next immediate step (which right now, is getting back to Sydney). She also said that she expects that I'd be over a few times a week so I can spend some time with the kids.
My wife has been back for just over a week now and I've stayed with her and the kids each night except for one.
We haven't discussed our marriage, but we are still taking time apart which is strange as I've been here most of the time. We've been out alone and it was nice. We had a fun time and kept it light. She has been more affectionate towards me which has been nice, but 3 days ago, I overheard her telling her brother that she doesn't want to be with me, but she needs some time to make sure. She also said that she will miss my companionship and started crying. I honestly don't know what to make of it. We had a nice intimate night (not sexual), where we laid on the sofa and I gave her a massage. She was laying between my legs and embraced me when I put my arms around her. We went to the cinemas last night and we had a good time. She held my hand throughout the whole movie and we were hugging as we walked back to the car. Weve been sharing the same bed also. I'm quite confused.
She has been more affectionate towards me which has been nice, but 3 days ago, I overheard her telling her brother that she doesn't want to be with me, but she needs some time to make sure. She also said that she will miss my companionship and started crying. I honestly don't know what to make of it.
Sam,
She's on her own journey and you are on yours. There are ups and downs for both types (WAS and LBS). You cannot focus on what she is doing, saying or feeling because you have no control. Let it go.
Work on Sam, focus on Sam. Hope you have a great weekend.
I have started speaking to one of the db counselors and she has been very good. She's recommended cultivating the friendship which is what I've been doing this week, and it has had positive effects.
Hello Sam22,
It has been a while since you have updated us on your situation. What has been happening?
Please call me at 303-444-7004 if you would like to schedule another session with your DB Coach.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004