Old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2725055&page=11 So I'm still here, I think you all know my story.
Generally I'm just trying to get on. I don't have much contact with wh, he has a morning in the week he generally sees a for a couple hours. During which he usually grunts a hello at me, and that is that.
Some days I feel like I'm going to be okay, and have accepted my m is over. Other days, like today things just seem a little harder. It's not helped by the fact I'm heavily pregnant, having a number of health conditions (mainly stress induced or overdoing things) , and labour could realistically be any day. The memories when at the hospital flood back of when we were happy and had S. And seeing happy couples, excited at the soon to be arrivals, and being sat there on my own like some knocked up teen can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes. He has told me he probably won't be at the birth, I told him I have a plan if he isn't going to be there. I also told him that if he isn't capable of supporting me- I don't want him there. He came out with the usual spew before he left of how he would support me in the pregnancy and he didn't (I didn't hold much expectations on that).
He is still clearly in this fog, with no idea of how his actions affect others- he still has a "woe is me" attitude. The thing I struggle with the most is s, he wakes in the night and sits by the spare room wh slept in, and calls out for him. He frequently acts out when he's been asking for wh. And as a mother, I can't help but take the guilt, my m didn't work and now S is suffering because of this.
I know a lot of how I feel will be raging hormones, severe sleep deprivation, the fact I'm single handily parenting and working still to provide for us. Oh, and then there's the general aches and pains that come along with late pregnancy.
I feel a lot of confusion between hating the person he is, and missing and still loving the one he was.
Hi Cherry! Good to see you posting again!
The memories when at the hospital flood back of when we were happy
I can totally relate. One of the things I don't know how to stop are the memories. I guess they will always be there.
I feel a lot of confusion between hating the person he is, and missing and still loving the one he was.
I know. I think we all do that on some level. Some more than others. I know I still do, but I try to compartmentalize it.
Cherry:
Good to hear from you again. I wanted to let you know that I'v been keeping my promise and praying for you and your family regularly.
We all can't wait to welcome "baby Cherry".
Thanks guys for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers, it means a lot. I guess in time the pain of some memories will start to fade, and they will just be memories of a person we used to know. A wayward still never ceases to amaze me at how utterly closed off they can be towards anything that doesn't concern themselves. Especially a parent who can walk away from their child while they "figure themselves out".
I have noted that he only refers to having one child, he never acknowledges that there's another way or even that I'm pregnant. I know ultimately this will be his loss, but I can't help feel for a child whose father acts like they aren't wanted.
I am gobsmacked how your WH is re-enacting his own childhood and is utterly blind to it. He was abandoned by his father and now he does the same to Cherry-baby. When your WH is around do you plaster on a confident smil
I am gobsmacked how your WH is re-enacting his own childhood and is utterly blind to it. He was abandoned by his father and now he does the same to Cherry-baby. When your WH is around do you plaster on a confident smile and keep things upbeat? I want you to be an Oscar winner and make this guy see only the most confident and radiant Cherry. He is on a journey that has nothing to do with you. It's okay to be angry and bitter about his actions towards your kids but don't let it color your view overall.
I am in the tentative stages of early piecing and still miss the man I met versus this self centered pod person that lookks like my husband. I totally get the weird juxtaposition of the love/hate feelings. There is still hope that your WH will get his head out of his butt. Do you have a coach?
Cherry my sweet! I haven't posted on your thread for a while but I will always remember your kindness when I was in a very dark place. You are a strong, loving person.
Remember too - if you ever come to Canada I have first dibs on baby-sitting!
Sara, I actually feel as if there is no hope, he is so deep in this fog, his only priority and focus is himself. I usually am quite confident and happy (although he blanks me), but after 3 hours sleep and aches and pains I let some frustration out on him. I haven't spoken to a coach or even an ic for a little while- I've had so much on, finding time for me is difficult. I know I should find the time.
Thank you Andrew, it means a lot to me that my gesture meant so much to you. I would love a Canada trip! I have family in Ontario but I've never actually been
I second the visit to Ontario/Toronto. We'll roll out the red carpet.
Cherry.
The guilt for S crying out for him is totally understandable. It please don't. It is not you took the actions he took. He took action. Only he is responsible. Focus on giving your S sufficient love and attention at times when he might be missing your WH - keep him occupied. Keep him close. I felt horrified with some of the concerns my children told me (scared we would split, scared that M may shout, missing mummy etc). They genuinely have fewer of these concerns now and are really quite robust as they are loved and kept occupied and entertained. It's just love and attention. Your S will get a new rhythm and will stop sitting outside WH room. It's so sad that you have to do these things. If it's essential that you do IMHO. My kids wil look back and remember the soothing words and the caring Dad. The man that said it's okay to feel sad and we will all be happier again. The man that took them places to keep them occupied. The man that tickled them until they laughed. Just focus on that part of you, you are doing fine. You WH was broken FOO stuff. Not you. You could never and can never fix him. He has to do it. Remember that. Keep working on you Cherry. You are a ledendary parson and mummy. Don't you forget that.
Surfer.
Just re-read this. I have have turned dyslexic for the day! Typing on my phone - never good. Sorry.
Your strength and resilience in inspiring. I am praying for you. Shocking that the WH has no recognition of your pregnancy or his new child.
Thanks surfer, we had gotten to a stage he was somewhat better, it just appears to be a little regression. I guess we have gone/going through our own stages of grief when it hits us a little harder. But he knows he is loved, he has a lot of love and attention not just from me, but my family, MIL etc. He also has a steady routine, doesn't want for anything, and even through a somewhat difficult pregnancy (who still has all day sickness at 8.5 months!!), I've continued to take him places and had fun. Soon I will be starting my maternity leave- so will have uninterrupted time with S as well as new baby.
Gordie, thank you so much
that's very kind of you and nice to hear. It is shocking, but waywards are that, doing as they feel and never ceasing to surprise you by their new shocking traits.
I've been quite productive of late, I'm still in the process of re-doing the house ( maybe this is the nesting). I read things that will boost my pma, and if I'm watching something, I'll watch something uplifting, travel documentaries or lighthearted comedy- nothing that has me dwelling; but rather something which shall focus me, and give me something exciting to look forward to in the future (new places to explore). I find that I become more down and depressed when I look to the future regarding my love life; so I try to stop these thoughts in their tracks. Nothing is ever a definite in life, or a guarantee. And worrying about the future will not help, so I'm trying my upmost to live in the here and now.
Cherry,
Likewise I find it very hard to think of the future. Here and now is exactly where to be I think.
Surfer.
Amen to that surfer! I'm trying to control my thoughts and not overthink thoughts of the future. Almost on maternity now, and baby due in the next 2 weeks (if on time). It's seems like a really quick pregnancy, and in a way I kind of feel part of the excitement has been stolen from me because I've had so much stress to deal with throughout.
Still, I'm proud that I've managed to hold things together and get everything sorted by myself.
Oh Cherry, I totally know what you mean about the pregnancy losing it's shine while in this situation. Unfortunately the last half of my pregnancy was some of the most anguish-filled moments of my life. Here we're supposed to be coddled and babied and instead we are basically being super heroes while our WH's are acting like teenagers. However, now I look back with pride that I still managed to go to work, take care of my kids and keep the house from falling apart while being pregnant. Seriously, you will never underestimate your inner strength after this. You should be sooooo proud of yourself, I am definitely proud of you.
Thanks Sara. You're right, I'm sure I will look back and be proud of myself. Right now I'm just kinda nervous that any day soon, I will have a baby to take care of as well and my emotions are all over the place.
I've just finished work, and am now beyond exhausted. Been busy trying to get all the last things. Had plenty of up and down behaviour from wh the last few weeks. A few weeks of friendly chat, him showing an interest in the pregnancy and what he can do to help me. I even had him tell me that he has been thinking about the M and wether he did the right thing, and would anyone care and love him like I did. Then a few days later, straight out ignoring me again and back to not even being able to look at me.
Somewhat confusing, I try to not let it bother me and I just continue on the way I have. I just know I still have some conflicting thoughts in my mind, as to wether I could ever trust him and go back to that, or wether this could be worked out. I know that hormones are very likely to be playing a part in all this
Cherry......
I have only started to read your sitch, but let me just say that you should be so proud of who you area....first as a woman who is standing for her marriage despite everything you have been through, and second as a mother.
I can not imagine going through all of this with a little one at home and one on the way. The fact that you are still sane speaks volumes about who you are
You said this in one of your post.....
"I feel a lot of confusion between hating the person he is, and missing and still loving the one he was"
That resonated with me and I definitely feel that same way.
I don't have much to say as far as things you can do in your sitch to make it better, because it sounds like you are doing quite well given the circumstances. I just wanted to say hang in there and stay strong.
Be proud of yourself
Dearest Cherry,
I just want to reach out through the screen and give you a big hug. You are going through something so unimaginably painful and difficult that I think only your young age and energy helps you manage it so amazingly.
My very best wishes for an easy birth and a lovely baby that will fill some of the emptiness I'm sure you feel.
And my heart breaks for your little son.
Oh guys, thank you so much. I think it's honestly a case of you just don't know how you cope til you're doing it, just like the rest of this process. We are all here just taking tiny steps forward. And what's kept me focussed is my determination to be able to provide for my children. I've kept working for as long as possible to make sure I can make the most of my leave and save it for once baby is here, despite having chronic sickness that I've been hospitalised for throughout.
Skm, it's a hard pill to swallow isn't it, but I think it's a thing most of us feel. It's almost impossible to think of this person who once would do anything for us and loved every bit of us can turn into a complete stranger. I guess I got myself to a place that his ignoring me just didn't bother me, then he shows interest, and if nothing else I think well at least we can be friendly and civil for the children- then he shuts me out again. And it's frustrating, annoying and possibly even upsetting too. But I'll return back to my stance of not rising to it. Whatever it is is clearly his issue, and he's still oh so foggy. So I shall just continue on to do the best I can. I won't match his behaviour, I don't rant- I just leave him to it and get by doing my own thing. This way I'm doing what's best for me and best for the children.
Hello Cherry dear!
I still check on you and think about you! I am proud of you--even under such difficult circumstances, you continue to look and move forward. You are taking care of yourself and babies. That's all you can do, right? I love what Sara wrote above. You will not underestimate your inner strength after this. This may be the hardest obstacle you have in life, but you can be assured you will come out on top and be stronger than ever before.
In terms of WH and his yo-yoing, well that doesn't surprise me one bit. He's still in a fog and most likely feeling very low about himself. Here you are, this beautiful wife, expecting his baby and holding your head up high, and there he is, a fool that's trying to justify giving it all up. This is why DB says to be someone only a fool would leave; don't give him any reasons to blame you. Keep rising up!
Your are an example of how looonnngggg this process can take. Success cannot be measured in days, but only in weeks, months and years. You are slowly moving towards detachment and that is success. You are going to have a beautiful life with or without him!
Please keep us posted as baby comes! XOXO
(((Cherry)))
Blu
Thanks blu, that means a lot. And you are absolutely right, I will continue to not give him any reason whatsoever to justify his actions- not happening.
It has been a very long process, I feel like the whole pregnancy has flown by because I've been so busy and distracted trying to single handedly keep everything going- working, being the best mother I can, and carrying out several renovations on the home. And I must say I am quite proud of what I've achieved. Especially considering a few months ago, I didn't even want to get out of bed, let alone achieve anything.
I will definitely keep you posted. I keep getting signs of slow labour, but then it seems to slow again.
Just wanted to drop by and check on how you are doing. Best wishes and good luck for the last few weeks of being pregnant.
Cherry, where are you!! Just checking in to see how you are doing and if that little baby of yours has been born as yet!
((Cherry)))
How are you Cherry and your lovely new bundle.
Waiting to hear all is OK
V
Hope all is well with you Cherry!
Hey Chery, i was directed this way by Copy.. ,I am a newbie pregnant not sure if we are piercing or what. h is very closed off, I find it hard during this pregnancy last one was over 10 years ago and I am in early stages. My H is at home so as you can tell the daily triggers are not helpful but I try to maintain light and friendly. I have a long story but I am in college present was told no more babies outta of me cause of fibroids.
H is engaging but I question is it for baby or me and I am at a point where I matter more,but insecurities come up. You are amazing in how you have natigated this time. Hope you are well and thank you I have to focus back on me now.
Hi Cherry: I've been wanting to give you a little space before I checked in. I hope you and your baby are doing great. I continue to pray for you regularly.
How are Cherry and Baby Cherries? We miss you! Hope you are getting the support and love you deserve!
Blu
Sorry guys that I've been away. I have a beautiful daughter! As she was born she was taken into neonatal icu. She's finally home after 3 weeks and this is my first week home. H has been very closed off, in super depressive mode, and can only talk/think/act about himself- no one else. I came from a day in the icu to divorce papers. I know I should feel like I'm well rid for this behaviour but I can't. I've just given birth, had the stress of not being able to bring my baby home and see her with wires everywhere and the unknown as to if this incident will affect her life going forward or not. The stress of being away from my son while he stayed with family, so I could practically live in the hospital and now this. Yet he is still the victim
Cherry:
Welcome back. I'm happy to hear that you and your baby girl are home. I continue to pray for you and I will. I especially will pray for DBrandNew to be healthy and safe. You've done a wonderful thing and your children will benefit from it as will you.
Yes, H is being a jerk and it will cost him at some point just not today. As I shared with you before I was not with W and D21 consistently for the first 6 months of her life. I was focused on me too. W still punishes me for that - ala our situation today.
He will regret it and it will cost him. Be strong, be there for your kids. I hope you have friends and family around you to help with the nappies and meals etc.
Take care - we all love you.
Lostini, thank you. I'll try and catch up with your story when I feel a bit more with it.
Bigbiz, thanks for the love. I don't even know wether he is capable of such a thing. To push a divorce through while I'm sat in the icu with our child just seems beyond cruel. And then he asks me what I have to be stressed about, he clearly only sees him.
Congratulations on the arrival of your daughter. These days being born early is less of a big deal for hospitals. My first son was five weeks early. You should see that beast now!!!
The timing of the papers was lousy. I am not sure there is a good timing for that!
Anyway best wishes and good luck with your new life.
Hello Cherry, it's good to see a post from you - I've been wondering how you are. And congratulations on the birth of your lovely daughter. I'm sorry she wasn't well to start with and glad to hear you are both home.
As for the D papers - well that is a bit yucky isn't it. You know sometimes I do wonder if it's just a way of prodding us to see if we'll react (and justify the decision.) Who knows, but I'm sorry that added to an already stressful time for you.
From all I have read about you Cherry, you will look after your kids and you, hold your head high and keep your nails painted. As for him - well he will do what he's do - just live your life well, come what may...
Take care Cherry and I'm sending my very best wishes to you.
Xx
Thanks roist, she wasn't early, she was taken ill after delivery having seizures. She's a beautiful feisty little lady.
The timing of the papers was lousy, but it's the sheer fact he was pushing it through while I was in the icu. I feel like this has come over me a bit like bd all over again. But I think that's just because of all the stress I've had and the fact I've just given birth. I know that I'm mourning the loss of someone who went a long time ago, and the hopes and dreams of our future; not the person he is now
Cherry! How are you??? I've been thinking about you constantly and wondering how things have been going. I am sorry your wee sweetie had a rough start but very happy she has turned out spunky like her amazing mama.
Keep checking in and know you are surrounded by love and support here. Your WH is a real piece of work.
Cherry,
I know you don't know me, but I'm fairly new here, and have gone back and read all your story. I have such admiration for you, and the battle you fight to do what is best for you and your beautiful children. I wish you all the best, and will add you to my most watched posts. I know you are the real thing.
Congrats Cherry, you have all the love that you need now, and none of the love that you don't.
Cherry
Congratulations and much joy to you and your new D. My prayers for her and you during these early days.
Many rainbows
V
Cherry.
Congratulations.
I hope you are okay. I just popped back and wanted to check in on you.
Surfer.
Thank you all for just checking in. Not had many minutes to myself to check in on here with the two little ones.
I'm doing well thank you, enjoying being on leave from work and being able to focus on being a mama.
I'm not happy about the situation necessarily, but I'm getting on, and I do feel in a much much better place. I still stand by it not being what I want, but it's going through and there's nothing I can do about it. I pretty much leave STBX to it. He has recently admitted to being depressed and that he doesn't know if this is what he wants. But rather than jump and beg, I've left him to it. He doesn't see that I fought for this m, but I've been fighting more than 2 years.
Hey Cherry, great to see a post from you.
I was sure I had posted a congrats on the birth of your baby message to you before but if I didn't congrats!!! So lovely that you have one of each now, perfect!!
Your H does sound depressed and you are right to leave him to it. You have certainly got your hands full now with your two little ones!
Take care. X
So it's been a little while since I last came on here. Apologies, but as you can imagine, my hands are so very full at the moment. With regards to the WH or soon to be ex, nothing much has changed. He goes through phases of which he will want to talk and be super friendly and perhaps suggestive/flirty, to stone silence the next. The D is seemingly still going through, I don't know- or care to be honest right now. I still stand firm by I don't want it, so I don't ask. Of course I frequently question, is a R with him what I want. And I don't really know, not him who he is now, but the man I loved who has been gone for years.
However, I try not to focus on that. I've been seeing an IC for a few months. I do find this is helpful, sometimes very hard emotionally, and sometimes difficult. I get given homework to do sometimes. And I've been trying to really take this serious and use it as my little bit of time for me to help build me back to that confident señora I once was. I know that I've a way to go yet, and days are sometimes a struggle with stress and sleep deprivation. I must admit, I do have some resentment towards WH for leaving me to parent alone, especially on the days with S is being particularly naughty and I've been up most the night with D.
(((Cherry)))
I am so glad you updated! I have been wondering where you were and how things are. I am so sorry to hear it's all kinda the same :-( It must be hard to carry on like that. There is another poster here T384 and she reminds me of you. She was here years ago and is now back, you might remember her. Her H also DB her (for a second time) during her pregnancy. So she now has an infant, young kids, and his WH/trainwreck to deal with. If you have time, read her threads, there are some great posters in there.
I know you are busy, but try to keep us posted from time to time. I am glad you are getting support and seeing a IC. Hope the little ones are well. You are a strong mama, and I know things will get better for you. As you tell others, you keep living a good and honest life, and good will come to you in return.
Blu
Cherry! OMG I am stoked to see you! I was VERY resentful for WH checking out (and staying away in another state for weeks at a time) when DS1 was an infant. Hang in there, eventually they will play together for HOURS and leave you in peace, lol!
Your WH is a...well I can't type things like that on this board. You, on the other hand, are amazing and I am privileged to "know" you. Do you have support?
Cherry my sweet! So lovely of you to stop by my thread and to offer me some virtual churros. I was out for dinner with a friend a few months ago and saw them on the menu and absolutely had to have them for desert while I talked about your kindness to me.
It sounds like you are doing as well as a single Mom going through everything you are can be. I have no idea how you manage but day by day is probably the answer. I'm both surprised and unsurprised that your ex pops in and out. I presume his mother is still living with you?
It sounds like my virtual grandchildren are doing well and being perfectly normal as well. It may feel selfish some days but remember to look after yourself first and don't be afraid to ask for help. Even though I myself can't be there to help babysit I hope you can find someone who can give you a break from time to time.
I'll let you go now because you are so super busy but thank you again so much for the visit and I look forward to the next time you may stop by.
Cherry - it's been a couple of months. I hope you and the boys are doing well and that you are rebuilding the fabulous life you deserve.
Andrew, mi amor! I’m sorry it’s been so long. I seem to constantly be busy at the moment. Me time is barely existent. I’m trucking on. I’ve been trying hard not to jump on soon to be ex’s rollercoaster. He’s done all the usual push/pull which i haven’t engaged in. There’s been talks of him not being sure about his decision. Instances of him coming on to me, I’ve given in a couple times, and refused more times. He started to become more engaged in seeing the children and we had got to a better place, but then the other day i happened to catch a glance at his phone and saw a message from someone i can only presume is his girlfriend as the name flashed up something like “my boo”. I don’t know why but this seems to have affected me more than i thought. Maybe it’s the mixed signals I’ve been receiving, or the fact that only about 3 days ago he had told a relative about his wife and kids (and named me).
I thought I’d stepped off of this ride!
Can i just add, I’m still not sat moping. I’m busy with the kids and have also started a business with my closest girlfriend which is going well and i am enjoying.
Hey Cherry, happy to hear that things are going well. I don't think that a human being can ever fall entirely out of love with someone. A piece will always remain. The key is to understand it, look at it and not let it get to you, that piece will get smaller.
Don't concern yourself that it has an effect, you're alive, so it will. But the farther you get from BD the easier it will be.
Thanks DDJ, i think you’re right. I just need to acknowledge that. Accept that, and keep pushing ahead. Maybe it’s the fact he’s moved on long before me when i don’t even feel half ready to get out there. Probably because I’m the one with the scars and the responsibilities.
Cherry! Lovely to hear from you. It sounds like you are doing well over-all. Starting a business - WOW! With two wee ones I'm surprised you have time to breathe much less get involved in a venture like that.
As far as your H goes - it's annoying that he's still playing those games. I don't have any good advice for you other than my usual one of being true to yourself and looking for what is best for the kids in the long term.
Thanks again for checking in and for being a bright light for me on a very stormy night.
((Cherry))
What can i day, I’m a sucker for punishment. It hasn’t been an easy ride. What with caring for my mil, and lots of therapy for baby; i am very busy. But i wanted to carve out some success for my children and build us some stability and a future.
He is something else. I guess it could be game playing. Either way, still looking foggy over his end. So i shall just have to crack on with creating love and light in my own corner.
Scars are a sign that you have lived, stretch marks show that too. It shows that you have brought life into this world. He moved on a long time ago, some people take longer to, and again, not everyone can finish first. Not everyone can finish last, like him either.
You wouldn't have what you have if you weren't meant to have them. This is a lasting legacy to your children that you can survive anything, that when the world knocks you over, you will get up and fight.
Lovely Cherry
How are you and the baby.
Hugs
V
Hey V, I’m doing alright thank you. Super super busy, but that keeps me focussed. Baby is doing alright, seeing a lot of different therapists for her, but she’s doing amazing. A true little fighter!
Just journaling here, but i note whenever it seems that the stbx has some kind of interest in his life, he follows the same patterns. Super cagey, grumpy, falls out with his mom for no reason, goes cold towards me (even though he was trying to proposition me less than two weeks ago), spends little time with the children.
I know that all of this in the grand scheme of things, he’s loosing out. He’s damaging relationships with real family, and missing out on quality time with these beautiful children. And i know that i really do deserve better. So why, oh why OH WHY!! do i still feel like i still have loving feelings towards this person. When the hell will that stop?
Cherry,
It won't. My mother had feelings for my father until he died. They had been divorced for 8 years and both were remarried and doing their own thing. But I caught my mother crying shortly after my father's funeral. It's ok to love someone who is not acting very loving. We just have to detach and realize their wayward behavior has NOTHING to do with us but their own head show.
You just keep doing you and make Cherry irresistible! It's good to see you back around.
Thanks sara, i need to catch up on your ditch, i hope you’re well.
Well my gut feelings of a new relationship were totally right, i guess seeing him do this before means i can sense a man trying to hide a relationship a mile away. He delivered yet another “i need to talk to you”. I thought i knew what was coming, but i don’t think is could have prepared myself for this. He is planning on getting married!! He’s doing a cultural kind of thing, where people have put out the word that there’s a guy who wants to get married. He’s met the girl, likes her and now they’re planning a marriage.
I am floored, astounded, shocked and i wont lie- crushed. I feel as though i have travelled back a thousand steps. Less than two weeks ago he was telling me about his doubts and that maybe we shouldn’t have ended things and trying to sleep with me (i refused). And now he’s planning a marriage.
I kind of wish that i could say i was cool and calm and wished him well. But i wasn’t. I spewed and said a thousand things that have been in my mind. I told him he was setting himself up for a fail. I swore, and i told him to leave. A kick of this is that she’s from the same culture as him. One thing he once threw in my face was that he maybe should have married someone from the same culture as him (he’s Asian, and I’m Latina). So this was a kick, as if I’m not good enough because I’m a Latina.
I actually don’t know where my heads at. I know i need to get it together and leave him to deal with his own disasters, but what a shock. What an absolute shock.
He of course re wrote history. Told me he doesn’t want me making this m difficult for him. And for me not to tell her about him trying to/or having sex with me.
Jerk off. Absolute jerk off
Cherrry! Just came on here to see if there are any familiar faces and saw your post. I am shocked that he is thinking of getting married so quickly! He sounds like one of those men who cannot be on there own and need to be worshiped by a woman.
I am so sorry for you and your lovely family but on the other hand do you really want to be with someone like that? I know it's easy or me to say but he really hasn't any respect for you at all considering you take care of his children and his own mother. I would say this new interest is not getting a very honourable man at all.
I don't blame you for spewing at him. There comes a time when we have to say what we feel and your time has come. I am also at that stage where' I don't really care what I say to H. He can go to hell in a hand basket for all I care now!
Hugs to you Cherry. You have been through so much and deserve so much better. (((Cherry))).
Oh coly, mi amor. The “he can go to hell in a hand basket” actually made me lol. He’s no respect for anyone, and no- she certainly isn’t getting a prize. I truly want my feelings to disappear. He’s an absolute deliusional fool. I just need my heart to catch up with my brain.
I think i agree with you on the spew. I think we control it, and I’ve been nice and cordial; but he had to hear months of suppressed rants. Naturally he couldn’t handle it. But he also couldn’t handle it when i told him not to tell me to “shut up” and waved his arms around. Just another ditch in the road. Think he can join your husband in a neat little hand basket
Cherry go ahead and have a good spew.
What an arse wiping gut bucket scum pone scrubber.....
And the rest. My views are unprintable.
You are entitled, allowed and mandated to say what the hell you want in any way you chose.
It still hurts though, I think it's not the loss of the WH but the loss of the dreams, support and realisation that some of this dross was future faking.
Here is a hat pin, find an wax doll and stick it in.
V
Thank you v. I think you’re absolutely right. It’s not so much him, certainly not right now. I look at him and i feel anger. It’s the constant playback my mind wants to do of our past that kills me. And then because he has so cleaverly rewritten our past; all of what where my happy memories of my first love are just tinged with “it was all a lie”.
The two guys are totally different, i married a caring sweet guy. Now he’s cold and totally selfish.
So i don’t regret my spew. He needed to hear it. And i will gladly stick those pins in some unmentionable areas.
Anger is great Cherry, a tool for you to use in your life to move you forward.
Anger is important for those of us who find it hard to let go.
V
I am so evil, I would totally inform the new "potential" that he was trying to proposition you 2 weeks ago. I would not do this for spite but she should know what's she's signing up for. If they do end up marrying then I give it maybe a year before it disintegrates. He is a broken man and will make for a broken marriage regardless of who he hangs with.
V, that’s exactly what I’m focusing upon. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t bother me, it does. It bought up all those grieving for the past feelings. But at the same time, I’m angry. Furious in fact that he did this to me, and still has the ability to hurt me. So i am latching on to that anger to drive me and keep me moving forward.
Sara, I’ve not a clue who she is. But i always find one way of another the truth comes out. He’s potentially building a m with a woman who knows nothing about him, and who he already has secrets and lies and who he’s cheated on already. It’s almost comical the things they do and come out with. The mind must be in such a deep fog to ever believe they are making a good decision.
None of this is in any way surprising Cherry.
Waywards do as they do. Are we critiquing a wayward as not so. Using our imagination to envision them to be as they should be or could be?
Until eventually we can never unknow, the spell break occurs and we can never unknow.
I remember that moment of golden knowledge, I can pin point the exact second of spell break when it all changed. I knew it and the Giggalo knew he had gone too far. There was no going back, the Rubicon was crossed and it was done.
It was frightening, it could have gone very very badly. I could not hide my knowing. I could never unknow, there was Shift
Sometimes on switches, i am privileged to be part of another's spell break or as in your case to observe it happening. There is no going back.
Trouble is that point means the wayward no longer hide their waywardness or other bad behaviour. Nothing to loose, they can bully you back to what they want, cake and eating it.
This rejection is so so destructive to the wayward, and they need a replacement target. Like a predator needso prey.
Of course it makes you angry, how could it not?
I applaud you for it, it makes you strong. You know those dreams weren't even real and that is worth getting angry about.
Lovely Cherry, you deserve so much much more.
V
Thank you V.
You’re right, it isn’t really any way surprising. I think this is part of my internal argument i have with myself. The grieving part is saying “but how can he say that” or “how can he move on so fast when I’m not ready to even entertain the idea of dating”.
Then the other part of me thinks that he has done so many strange strange out of character things, this is just another to add to the catalogue.
I don’t know if it’s strength or stubbornness. I don’t want to be dragged to being a broken shell of a woman not able to breathe without him. Yes, i am sad at the loss of what i thought was. I’m angry that I’m left with all the responsibilities. But I’m also determined to be grateful for what i do have, and roll with the punches.
My blessings and gratitude are my memories i make every day with my children. And how S enjoyed his first experience of snow today. While he’s off doing whatever waywards busy their time/thoughts with; i got to make precious memories. So who’s losing out here?
Completely off topic but I just purchased my first Loius Vuitton bag and was thinking of you the whole time!
Sara, I’m so glad. No one is more deserving of a good treat than you! It’s an addictive slope though, i still have my first Chanel i bought years ago, still in its dust bag. The addiction can turn to shoes though, first louboutins and now my obsession is the Valentino rockstuds- I’ve got them in all colours, heeled and flat.
Aside from my shoe and bag addiction (all paid for by my dear self, thank you). Today my anger is still bubbling. The day started badly, a vivid dream of my beating this ow up, whoever she may be (this stereotype of Latino women can be right at times, i can be feisty). Then it’s usually his day to see the kids. S was all excited knowing he’d be coming. He didn’t show. No I’ve explanation, just a no show. I tried to stop my anger and active mind (probably spending his day wooing his “woman”, prioritising her over the kids). I wanted to ring him and let all hell out. Then a part of me thought “maybe this is what he wants”. It’d be justification to a narcissist to brand me as his crazy ex. So i didn’t. I left him. Do you guys think i did the right thing? I just cracked on with my day and had fun with the kids.
I will say here though. He is a narcissistic, bigamist, horrible man.
Cherry, I'll try to write a longer post about your whole situation soon but regarding today. I guess it's best to not call and let all hell out. One time I took a video of my daughter standing on the balcony crying for her father, calling out his name, and I sent it to him. I didn't say anything else. His response? "Stop making me feel terrible." Yesterday when my husband called to say he couldn't come because he was working on his huge five bedroom mansion where he lives alone I only said a few words. I don't even remember what they were, but I could feel the stress in my body and the resentment and sadness and every possible feeling all at once. I can't imagine being such a bad human being. How can you prioritize a house over a beautiful child? If that's even what he was doing...
I do think you need to do something though. If there's any older man (father, uncle, friend, Imam) in your family or community I'd have them call up your husband and say all the things you wish to say to shame him and direct him towards change. Whereas you have very little influence, a respected man in the community would have a lot of influence, if there's anyone like that.
I hope you got through the rest of the day with your kids. They need so much love, so much enrichment, so much help to prepare them for this tough world we live in. It feels impossible sometimes to set aside our own problems to focus on them. I keep trying every day with my daughter but when she goes to bed my mind just tries to make sense of how we ended up in this situation and how I didn't prevent it.
Nicole, i honestly feel we are talking about the same man. My mil called him once to tell him our S was crying for him and that was his exact same response. I too can’t believe how they can prioritise anything over these absolute blessings. And as for the whole “don’t make me feel bad”, I’m honestly not sure anything can do.
There has been a few men he once respected who have told him he is being an idiot and making a mistake, but he pays no attention. He is an impressive liar these days, so lord knows what he tells them. A good friend who he truly respects has gotten wind of our situation and repeatedly tells him what a mistake he is making (he’s been there and done it, so learnt the hard way). Still he is set in his mind. Like your husband, it is complete personality transplant of someone who doted on me and i believed we had the perfect marriage.
I truly don’t think you could have done anything to prevent it. Granted we all have areas we think we could have done differently, but marriage is a compromise and growth of two people. And from what I’ve read, you have stood by and took a lot. Forgiven him in order to keep your family together. Just like i did. Sometimes it’s almost as though they cannot live with the guilt, and we are a subtle reminder of the pain they’ve caused us and the shoddy decisions.
Life continues to plod along round this end. My anger has propelled me into a mind set of “i will come out on top here”, which is only a good thing. Had a bit of a set back that hurt yesterday when i got a wedding invitation to where we had our wedding. Rather than bury my head in a sea of depression, i intend to go, look great and wish the couple all my best in the world.
My mind likes to torture me at night and give me vivid dreams of either memories, or showdowns involving the other woman, where i am some kind of woman scorned and out for revenge. This doesn’t help matters for an already sleep deprived woman.
Still, trying to count my blessings and focus on them. We’ve had S Christmas play at school, which was lovely, and a beautiful memory. I was for sure the proud mama. I’ve been super busy with baby, and also trying to run a business I’ve started up which is doing good. I even somehow managed to carve a bit of time to get my nails and eyebrows done so i feel a tad more groomed.
Still don’t want to see him. I think i thrive more when I’m away from him, at least until I’m a bit stronger. When i see him currently, my rage just boils, and the hurt of someone rewriting your entire history and hearing them tell you about their new life and woman. It’s not something i need or want to hear.
Cherry you are an inspiration
V
Hi Cherry, it sounds like you're doing as well as possible given your circumstances. Night time is definitely the hardest. I don't know how you're able to run a business, do your eyebrows, and find all that energy! I wanted to follow your advice about doing beauty treatments at night but I haven't been able to do so yet. I keep falling asleep from exhaustion but I'm also physically ill with a new chronic illness so maybe that's partly why.
It just seems to me, without knowing much, that you'll likely meet a really wonderful man through your son's school or in the community because you seem to be doing all the right things and someone, somewhere is going to notice you when the time is right!
Thank you Nicole. Although I’m most certainly not on the look out, i went out for a meal with some colleagues and into the city the other night- and although my confidence isn’t there mentally. I faked it and held my head up, and was surprised at how much attention i did have. Yes it makes me feel a fair bit better, but a part of me also wanted to smack wh in the head and ask him how everyone else sees it but not him.
Have they got you on any medication that can help? I’ve a few conditions myself (long term side effects from cancer as a late teenager) so i know totally how exhausting life can get. If you need to sleep though, that’s therapy in itself, your body needs it. Are you able to get any childcare for your daughter? Even for a few hours a day just to give you a hour or so rest bite? My s has started nursery school which helps as then I’ve just baby for a few hours a day.
As for finding the time and energy, i can be so stubborn at times, and what drives me is my want to not crumble. Nothing would give my ex the satisfaction more of knowing he’s turned me into some kind of recluse who has thrown away her aspirations and become the opposite of what she was. So i intend to thrive and show him i could do this before him, i can sure as hell do it after him.
I saw the ex at the weekend. I braced myself for a showdown based upon the last time i saw him. But it wasn’t that. I made sure before he got there that i had my make up on, i was dressed good, smelling good- for my own confidence. Once I’d done that i felt as though i was ready to face the world. He looked miserable, i was happy looking as if he hadn’t bothered me. I asked him how he was, he started to tell me about something that had happened and how it made him feel sad. I gave friendly advise as if i was talking to a friend/neighbour. He hugged me, his hands began to wander and i cut him loose there and said given that he had a girlfriend, i didn’t feel comfortable doing that. I walked away and made myself busy and left that right there.
I don’t know if this was the way to play it. Or why i would be the one he finds comfort in. But i needed to get it out there to him that he well and truly fired me from being that person.
Cherry
That is exactly the way to be.
You are a lady!
V
Thanks V. I know i could of had him right there if i wanted. But for what? To enable some cake eating? So i feel I’ve got one up on her? Trying to remove myself out of the situation a bit. I’m starting to realise that I’m worth more than some casual hook up every now and again. And it’s time he needs to see that too.
Cherry,
Sounds like you did the right thing. Your husband must be really happy when he can have both you and a girlfriend on the side. When you take away the option of having both then hopefully he'll at least think a little. I'm sure you've done that in the past too and it hasn't changed the outcome but you can keep drilling the point into his head that he can't have both.
It's nice that guys have noticed you when you go out with your work colleagues. It sounds like your husband notices you too, he just isn't playing by the rules. It's hard dealing with someone like that. Is it all just a game to them?
Cherry
Hi. Hope all is well. Not caught up on your sitch fully but still doing well it seems?
I’d just be there for access to the kids. I wouldn’t give him a cuddle personally.
I am sure he likes it, but he needs to put work in to get that I expect.
Will catch up more soon.
Have a great Xmas eve and Xmas with the kids.
Surfer.
Cherry
Have a marvellous Xmas
Love
V
Surfer my dear, I’ve been wondering about you. I hope you’re doing fabulous!
V, you too darling! I’ve had a wonderful couple days with the children. Ex was nowhere to be seen, and expecting the next random visit or kick off from him. My can’t be bothered meter is off the chart. I go from being anxious about seeing him to an “oh whatever, I’m tired of this. Do what you want”. Maybe this is the next step of my journey.
Cherry
I love your Post! A detachment meter yes yes......
V
Cherry,
Ha ha.
Surfers detachment meter is at 1%.
Surfer.
So you’re not feeling overly detached?
Not much is new R wise in my land. Though I’m not overly sure what i want. I don’t want to speak too soon, but I’m feeling very detached right now. I saw him briefly as i walked out last week. I had some things to do. He looked miserable as ever, i gave a hello and that was that. For the first time, he seemed ugly to me, I’m not meaning that in the fact physically (he is a good looking guy, though he knows that)- but his actions and the person he has become. And for the first time when i saw him, i just thought “nah”. Maybe I’m on my way to not caring. It’s just his continuous actions and his lack of support both financially and physically towards the children just anger me. He should be thanking his lucky stars to have these beautiful babies.
My life on the other hand, busy as usual. Juggling motherhood, life, a career and a business I’ve set up as a side line is tiring. But I’m determined to do what is best for my family. The Christmas break has meant I’ve had time to spend with my children, lovely days out. An awakening moment came to me that these years are flying past, and before i knowvit, they’ll want to hang with their friends and won’t want to have days out with their mom, or hold my hand with their teeny hands. I realised i should cherish this time and not waste energy on someone who does not deserve it
I realised i should cherish this time and not waste energy on someone who does not deserve it
Wow I love this so much. I've been mulling over the power of appreciation/gratitude the last few days and this frames this so perfectly for me. What an amazing perspective - thank you!
Yes cherish times now!!!
Sorry. Might have got the detachment meter wrong I meant 99% in that case. Moved on almost fully. It sometimes drops a little but pretty good.
Business sounds good. What kind?
Sounds like you are doing well. Keep going.
Surfer.
hi, Cherry... i want to share something i wrote back in 2006... it was something i wrote for a homeschooling newsletter... it is based on Robert Frost's Nothing Gold Can Stay... your recent entry made me think of it... one caveat:
it is written from the Christian perspective and does reference the bible... i hope it's okay to share... here is is:
MONDAY, JULY 24, 2006
Nothing Gold Can Stay
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.
--Robert Frost
I have adored this poem by Robert Frost for many years. I have called it to mind many an early morning during late-spring outdoor Bible readings or journaling sessions. The sun is rising, casting a golden glow all over nature… birds are chirping, and only nature seems to be awake. And I want the moment to last forever. And it is but a moment that perfection lives. Soon I begin to hear car doors slamming, car engines starting up, cars driving away. The golden moment has passed.
Now that I am a parent, this poem has come to mean even more to me than beautiful golden mornings. I have witnessed a myriad of golden moments during the different stages of my children's lives: When Jonathan would yell, "Mommy!" as I walked through the front door after a trip to the supermarket. When Caleb snuggles up to me and says, "Mommy, I want to be by you." Or when Jonathan and Caleb don their "hiking gear" and back pack through the mounds of dirt in our backyard.
Every golden moment of the various stages of my children's ever-moving lives fades to other even more golden moments. And each golden moment--each fascinating stage--whether an hour or three months in length, is truly but a moment--passing much too quickly for this mother of the two most beautiful boys ever. But as nature has shown me, and as the poem goes, "nothing gold can stay."
"Nothing gold can stay." These words linger deep within my mind… and they hauntingly echo their assured truth in the middle of some nights as I lay in bed considering how quickly my baby boys are growing. When I first became a parent, other more experienced parents would tell me, "Enjoy every moment. Time passes quickly and they do grow so fast," or "Time really flies-next thing you know, they'll be going to college." But there was no real urgency in the way they would share these words--which led me to dismiss these words as cliché… just something someone says to new parents. Not one person ever took me aside to let me know just how serious he or she was. I believe I have been deceived!
Is it really true that nothing gold can stay? Is this really true? Yes. In the natural sense, it is true that nothing gold can stay. A green apple ripens to an enticing red--and is indeed in it's golden moment, ready for eating… but if the apple is not eaten, it will continue to ripen, and then over ripen… it does not stop to rest in its state of perfection--its golden moment. It continues until it rots. Hence nothing gold can stay.
But what about my children? Surely my boys are more than an apple, leaf, flower or sunny morning. Isn't there more to life than starting out green, ripening to the "age of perfection," and then slowly withering toward the twilight years until death takes us altogether? For the one who puts his hope in Christ, the answer is a reverberating yes! Yes, yes, yes! A celebration of "yeses" because of our blessed assurance--that promise that causes us to catch our breath when we grasp but an inkling of it all--from 2 Corinthians 5:17, Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! And from 2 Corinthians 4:16, Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
Though the natural part of man continues through the stages of life under natural law, not so the spirit. For those of us who put our hope in Christ-who descended from heaven to earth to be born of the Virgin Mary, who led a sinless life, who took on the sin of all mankind, who was crucified, buried and who overcame death by way of His resurrection, for those who are born in spirit, our "golden moment" is yet to come. And it is a golden moment that can and will stay.
A line in a well-known hymn says, "When we've been there ten thousand years, bright shining as the sun, we've no less days to sing God's praise, then when we first begun." And this is how it will be--no aging, rotting, withering, dying. We look forward to an existence of complete "golden-ness."
Until then, nothing gold can stay...
CHERRY: Enjoy, cherish these moments, because they do go by so quickly! in Latin: Tempus Fugit!!!
But know this--even though they grow to eventually leave you, when you do live out many golden moments while raising your children, there is a benefit... even though they do grow to become independent of you, they come back to you in a new way... as adults, (mine are 17 and 21)... they choose you... and it is beautiful... the relationship i have with each of my sons is truly golden... i have had many difficult moments with each of them through the living years, but today--i cannot express how sweet, loving, beautiful (put in any adjective that is positive here) we have it... and i know it's because of all of those moments in their childhood...
--artista
Let me describe the 'ugly'. It's subconscious accessing of cues to health and wellbeing. Leading us to see how truly unattractive they are.
Consider what waywards do:
1. Physically......
Drink
Smoke
Drugs
Eat badly, too much, too little
Exercise too little or too much
Have risky sex
Spend time and money on peripherals
Coffee
What does this do? It starts to slowly rot and destroy the body in subtle ways. At least initially. Then it speeds up if it's not resolved.
Mentally...........
Bad thoughts
Poor sleep
Wasteful habits
Limiting beliefs
Rages
Manipulation
Focus on self
Limited love
And covering it up all the time
In due course waywards deteriorate and decompensate.
Their souls rot until even they can't command respect for themselves.
----------------------------
Look at the potential for the LBS, who works on themselves. The LBS state is often a temporary holding place for growth.
The LBS outgrows the wayward eventually, and as strange as it seems it is ALWAYS the LBS that calls time and over. Lets go and finds the wayward an ugly stranger.
It's those unconscious cues to lifestyle and mind. The LBS reads those and notices true deterioration. The LBS sees the ugly and it repels.
So yes, when you see the ugly it's not a judgement but an observation. Even the somatic beauty can be ugly.
Cherry you are awesome.
V
Thank you 2016sux, I’m so glad that i can help anyone in some way, I’m a strong believer in finding the positive and things to be grateful for.
Artista, thank you so much for sharing that with me. So moving and such food for thought. I intend to cherish these moments, from the sleepless nights to the fun days out.
V, as ever thank you for the info, very interesting and definitely strikes a cord. I’m glad my mind is finally catching up.
I think i am genuinely tiring of things. The hope of reconciliation is slipping and I’m beginning to think that this is no phase, this is him showing his true self. He has gone his path and I’m going mine. Over heard a conversation to his mom about how I’m not family. Downright disrespectful, but doesn’t surprise me. He paints me out to be someone that has turned his mom against him. I have actually stuck up for him on many an occasion and tried to mend their relationship. But the fact is that she is disgusted by his actions, and that is why their relationship is strained. He also went on another rant in front of me about how he is happier and became happier the day he left. There was many a thing i could have said to him. But all i could be bothered to do was roll my eyes and say “tell me something I’ve not already heard” and walked off.
After this he tried to make a slight bit of conversation with me, but i was busy. I’m at a stage now where it doesn’t matter what i do or don’t say. Nothing resonates with him. He deliberately tries to hurt me with his words, but i just can’t waste any more energy on him.
Your MIL seems to love her grandchildren and I guess you are the gatekeeper.
V
Great post Vanilla that captures this awful cycle perfectly.
Thank you ownit.
Lovely Cherry how are you?
I think of you often and your journey here.
V
Cherry,
Hi!!
Sorry long time - I know.
You know he gets a pay off with his nastiness. I know you know this. You can do the boundaries and consequences thing. Don't forget they are your best ally besides talking to the rights friends - and of course a bit of self healing (those soaks in the bath etc).
I will check in more fully soon.
Take care!!
Surfer.
So it’s been a fair while since i posted on here.
My wh is nearly divorced from me, we’re in the final stage of what has been a very long process- which shouldn’t have been as i haven’t contested anything.
I’ve spent the last few months really soul searching and getting to know me again. My confidence has increased a little, although I’ve still a long way to go.
I happened to meet someone that i have really clicked with. Obviously it’s early days and we’ve not even been on a date yet. Obviously I’m beyond nervous, and in my head I’m still feeling as if I’m doing something wrong and that I’d be cheated on my stbxh. This feeling was not helped by him figuring out i was talking to someone (think he read my texts). He got angry really fast demanding to know who it is. I told him that that was none of his business, to which he started using the kids as some excuse saying about how if someone is involved with me then they will be involved with the kids. He was demanding to know all sorts and when i refused to tell him he continued to get very angry.
This has of course affected my mood now where part of me thinks that i shouldn’t bother with a date as it’s just going to cause to much trouble. Just wondering if this is normal of an ex to behave this way
Sickening in his part. Remind him he fired you as his W and has no say in such things, kids or no kids.
I would suggest waiting until the D is finalized to actually start dating to avoid complications. My guess is your H was controlling during the MR (I've not read your whole sitch) so is continuing that even into D.
Cherry! Sweetie! Yes - I'm still here.
The wee ones are still doing well I hope?
What you describe in your STBX is from everything I've read here and elsewhere an incredibly normal reaction by a selfish person.
You mention that things are progressing slowly. In some cases people will add conditions to a parenting agreement like "no overnights by strangers" and when / if / how a new person can be introduced. I expect that in your case that the other party isn't rational enough to think of that. I presume you have and expect to continue to have sole custody? That does affect things and reduces his rights wrt to the children I believe. Since my own kids are adults I've not paid too much attention.
If it becomes a problem, actual real legal advice may be required but if you look past the spew and anger and him trying to maintain ownership of you it is something you probably need to take seriously.
I'm glad that you've found a bit of a flutter in a new friend. No telling where that may go. I've had more than a few false starts of my own. All of which made me feel good about myself discovering that these charming, interesting ladies find me worth some of their time.
Glad to see you (((Cherry!)))
I love seeing members who have been here longer and hope to read their sitches and steal some wisdom. I'm glad you updated this thread Cherry.
Thanks for the responses and the love guys.
So we are now officially legally divorced. I feel like this has dragged on for so long, i didn’t even really feel anything when i got the papers through.
However, he has now decided that he doesn’t think that our religious divorce was done properly (insinuating I’m still his wife). I told him that itd been fine for the last two years, so why now. I feel like i know that, and the answer is control.
Part of me was feeling like, well what if he wanted to try again, do i do it. But we’ve already been through this process once. And this is the hardest thing I’ve had to do. I’d be a fool to do it again. There’s no change in him, no apologies.
He just doesn’t like the idea of someone else having me
Cherry, that always makes me so mad. WAHs tend to be worse about this than WAWs. Maybe it is rooted in the worlds past of polygamy. You didn't see Ws with multiple Hs, but Hs with multiple Ws.
Regardless, it sickens me to no end to see a WAS see it through to D, then turn around and STILL try to exert control over their LBS.
I'd tell him point blank, "religiously we were divorved WAY before we were legally. We were religiously divorced the minute you stuck Mr. Winkie into OW." (I am assuming here you are Christian, probably a bad assumption.)
Yes, bad assumption, Steve.
Cherry, your response was great. I am still shaking my head over your X.
Hi Cherry - yeah - they have their own warped view of reality don't they.
Is his mum still living with you? Is she doing OK? Is she the reason why he still stops by? Ideally you would have advance notice and a schedule for him to see the kids.
Do you both attend the same mosque? Can the imam help sort the realities of the religious divorce out? I know very little about your faith despite one of my best friends being Muslim.
To answer your question of trying again - think back to the marriage you had. The good and the bad. For those of us farther along in our journeys, many of us realize we're better off alone than where we were. If you were to try again you know full well that it would be HARD. Do both of you have the strength to face that? It sounds like he's selfish and rather lazy and that he probably doesn't.
(((Cherry)))
Cherry,
Please start a new thread and link this thread to your new one and vice versa. Many thanks!
Hi Cherry, I remember your updates from last year. It sounds like the legal divorce was a big step and you made it through that. Congratulations! If your ex-husband wants to try again then it'd be great if he wants to work hard for many years to reform himself and prove himself to you again but it sounds like you're right, that he doesn't want someone else to have you, and he probably also does realize his mistakes and what he's losing but maybe he's too proud to admit that. I'm glad you took the time to post your update for the rest of us. Please keep us posted if you can.
Guys, thank you all for the support. I’m aware i need to start a new thread so will do.
Just to update, my ex is still very much the same guy. He apologized in a sense, but i have a feeling that was just so he could get sex. He didn’t get it. He dips in and out of the kids lives and is still very much unreliable.
I’m slowly dipping into a new relationship. We are taking it slow but still having a date or two a week. I do not intend on introducing the children to him until we are certain we will be a thing (dating isn’t a thing in Islam, it should go straight to a proposal) we face potential problems here as he is of Bengali decent and me of Latina. Still, we’re adults- and i know whatever my ex will throw a spanner in the works either way.
I do feel as though his “the divorce is not final” is just a last minute attempt to try and maintain control. But this has been 4 years of trying to control me and treat me as though I’m worthless and i refuse to partake any more.
Can i just put out to anyone new joining, if it is truly over and you’re looking for hope- i thought it was never ever possible to move on. But when the time is right and you least expect it, someone may just change your thoughts.
If you don’t believe me, check my earlier threads!
Right, on to a new thread!!