I couldn't link my previous thread from my iPad, can you help me out Cadet?
I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. I am in my hometown for a week visiting family and friends. My dad is doing good so that has brought me some comfort. I have stayed busy so it helps with not thinking about my stbxw as much.
She texted Merry Christmas on Christmas Day and I replied Merry Christmas. Then the day after she asked about my dad and she preceded to tell me she had a top 10 hangover. Apparently she got sick during the night....I'm sure SOW and her 5 year old enjoyed that lol. Anyhow that's about all the contact I have had with her this week.
I have had a good time with my friends and family and have a few more days until I return home. I hope everyone is hanging in there and keeping focus on themselves. :-)
So Stbxw texts today with the same lead in question "how is ur dad" and how is so and so (my Mom's friend who had a stroke). I told her my dad was doing great and the other lady was still the same. W wanted me to tell my mom she is sorry about her friend and that she is praying for her.
Then she asked about my friends here and if I had seen them. I said I was going out tonight. She told me 3 times to stay or use uber and to be safe. We talked about football and her back and her family. Obviously SOW was gone.
I just don't get why she cares, she filed for D. I know cake eating, keeping plan b, guilt?? I am to the point where it doesn't give me hope or sadness or any feeling really. I don't want to be friends and I have told her this....
Maybe now that my dad is getting better she won't ask. Idk. I probably should stick to DB and only reply as necessary but since she filed I didn't know whether to stay that course. Any thoughts? 2x4's? :-)
Hey hawker, I have a feeling even with your dad doing better she won't stop checking in, but that's just a hunch. I'm so glad to hear that he's doing better though; that is wonderful!
I imagine your W doesn't even know why she wants to keep in touch exactly. The only advice I have is just go with your gut. Do what you believe is in your own best interest. I've decided I'm not really qualified to help on here much since I have completely shut my STBXW out of my life and I am the one that filed. So, just do what hawker thinks she needs to do! I think as long as you're taking care of yourself you can't really go wrong.
Happy New Year!
Hey Hawker, so glad your Dad is doing well.
No clues about your W. Sounds like she wants to keep you in her life. Don't respond to her texts if you feel she is keeping you in the friend zone. You are worth much more.
Wishing you love, health and happiness in 2017. X
Thanks ladies!!! It didn't really make me feel any certain way other than why are u texting me if since you filed. I think I need to quit with the chit chat and just keep to myself. It's better for me and I don't want to ease the guilt by being to friendly and I'm not plan B.
I hope everyone's 2017 is much better than 2016.....I know mine can't get much worse!!! Thanks everyone.
Hawk, it looks to me like W is definitely cake eating with you squarely in the friend zone. She doesn't get to know about your Dad or your Mom's friend, or anyone. Especially not you. She's making herself feel better about what she has done to you. She wants you to be safe, when she has placed your emotional and physical health in such jeopardy? That's b.s.; she's trying to make herself feel less guilty. Go dark. GAL.
Yep, thanks for the reminder NYGal....I don't want to ease her guilt...
I have had a good week...went hiking, worked out everyday and got in a few rounds of golf with friends!! The weather has been awesome...don't wanna go back to work! LOL
So my W's mom and sister and nephew are in town for a few days...back at the beginning of the month she said maybe I can bring nephew to see dogs? I said maybe, I'll think about it....
She never asked again and I never brought it up because I didn't know if this was more cake eating...so, just left it....
Her sister and I still chat, she sent me a xmas card of her family, we texted back and forth about Christmas plans, etc.
Yesterday she texted saying that she really wanted to see me when she was her but she didn't want to piss off her sister....she said this trip isn't as fun as all the ones she has had in the past. I said I was sorry and that I am sure it might be a little weird for you guys. She said it was weird and awkward and she didn't want to come in the first place but my W was persistant.
It kind of made me feel good that she wasn't having fun staying with her sis and SOW....I told her she was always welcome to come over but I knew she wouldn't....crazy how this affects not just us but all of our families.......I can still see how W is still selfish putting her wants above her sister and mom, I'm sure she didn't think it would be awkward for them or she just didn't care...
I'm gonna volunteer tonight at the dog shelter and hang out with friends after....
Thanks for the advice everyone...
Hey hawk, it sounds like things are going pretty well for you right now. That's always awesome to hear! Glad your dad is doing better too. That's got to be such a relief.
I'd agree w/ NYGal that your W is trying to alleviate her guilt. So long as you remain friendly/open to her, she really doesn't have to go down the path of being in the dark and re-evaluating what she's doing. I'm no expert, but it seems like discontinuing the texting may be the right call.
The collateral damage from our situations is not fun. I'm sorry you're unable to spend time w/ Ws sister. At least your Ws sister seems to see the situation for what it is.
Keep up what you're doing. You really do seem to be in a good place right now!
I'm ok....I knew I would hear from her today...usually Monday's...it was first day back to school after break....she texted me about a student...I had to reply (business)...I didn't want to get into the chit chat...she did text some stuff about her mom's visit
Later she texted about our friend and said she missed her and then she said I miss all of you. blah......I said "I am sure you do"....
Hawk, how're you hanging in there? Sorry about your cowboys last night. As much as I dislike them they had a great season and that was a great game. Hope you got a chance to watch it with friends. Hope you're doing well!
Hey LT...I'm hanging in there..I have continued to volunteer at the animal shelter on Friday nights and at the golf course on Sunday morning so I can get free golf!! :-) I hung out with friends friday night and last night watching football...sadly the cowboys and chiefs lost close games. :-(
oh well.....W texted Wed and Fri...started off by asking her questions on some diet challenge she is going to do...she's D ing me but she wants my help...no thanks...ugh...its like the D doesn't matter????
Friday she was concerned with the ice storm my family was going to get...
I didn't answer since there wasn't anything really to reply too...haven't heard anything this weekend which I am not surprised....we actually have today off so I will go workout and do some errands...
Hope you all have a good day!!
she's D ing me but she wants my help...no thanks...ugh...its like the D doesn't matter????
Mine did and still does the same thing. Reason being is twofold: to get you in the mindset of being "buddies," which leads to easing her guilt.
Yes, that is what I was thinking as well Jeep...ease the guilt and be in the friendzone....
Hawk, I had the day off as well. Got to love those random Monday holidays during the year! Got a lot of stuff done today which was nice.
You're doing the right thing by not responding. I know it's got to be a downer but I don't think it'd help you to send back a response to those texts. There may be a time or topic where you need to, but those don't seem to be it.
Keep doing what you're doing. It's a good path you're treading down right now!
I haven't posted in awhile since there isn't a lot to report. The stbx started texting from the gym on Monday (we had off)since SOW wasn't with her. She was talking about the football games and how lifting was hard to get back into after taking off for her back surgery.
I did reply and said yes it took me awhile to get back in it after taking time off and she was surprised I took some time off. I was like yes after all that had happened I needed to take a break. She said "sorry that is probably my fault". No sh#t. LOL
I wanted to say a few things before I went dark again since she has been trying to friend zone me. I guess she didn't like what I had to say since I haven't heard from her since.
She doesn't like to feel guilty and what I said maybe made her? Who knows, actually I am okay with not hearing from her, it makes it easier for me and I don't feel the up and down of emotions after talking with her.
I have avoided her at school as well. I still am continuing to stay busy, teaching a class 2 nights a week along with my regular job and volunteering at the dog rescue and golf course.
Oh ya she did say "I didn't mean to start anything I just wanted to check on you". "I know it doesn't make it better but I am sorry for everything."
Hawk, I think you're right that she's trying to assuage her guilt. How often are you speaking with her now? Was Monday the first time in awhile?
How is the volunteering at the dog rescue? I've got a friend who does this every week and she loves it. Seems to be very relaxing being around all of the animals.
Hope your week has ended well and you've got good plans for the weekend. Keep it up hawk!
On those last texts I think you should just ignore them if you're still debating. Best to just let it sit out there in my opinion.
I haven't talked to her since Monday the 16th and I have avoided her on purpose. No we had been talking like twice a week and I thought she was trying to friend zone me so I said those things to remind her I am not ok with all of this and went back to going dark. Haven't heard a peep....
Lt. The dog rescue volunteering is great!! I have been doing it every Friday and I really enjoy it, the dogs get so excited!!!!
Hope you have a good weekend!!!
Hi hawker,
Hope all is well. Just dropping by to check in.
Hey fightin,
I am doing well! I have been busy with work and my volunteering at the dog shelter and golfing and just hanging with friends. I think my D should be final by the end of the month.
You were correct when you said W would keep continuing to text...we didn't speak for like 2 weeks. She came and found me at school Monday and told me something about the gym, etc. I think it was legit? Anyhow she texted after to let me know her mother went to the doctor and got a clean bill of health for now (stage 4 cancer). I did reply to say I thought that was great news.
I am doing well I think, I am really okay by myself and my dogs and enjoy "me" time. My beastie is still living with me as well as she is going through the same thing but her W is being a total jerk about custody so she has been at that for almost 9 months.
Anyhow yes, I do still miss W at times and I would try to start over if she ever brought it up. But for now I am living my life and not worrying about that because it does me no good!! :-)
Our close group of friends still do not hang out with her or SOW...she texts one of them every so often but other than that I don't know what will ever come about....time will tell...
thanks for checking in!
Hi Hawk. I just noticed that your BD was about a year ago. I'm sorry. I know the first anniversary of these things is hard. Thinking of you.
Ditto. Hoping things are going well Hawk!!!
Thanks NYGal and LT....yes it does stir up some bad memories...I am doing good though!! I have come along way in a year!! STBX texted today wanting to talk about the games last night....SMH...on VDAY of all days...I am glad we never celebrated this day, we both think it is dumb so I am not sad about that at least!! :-)
You have come a long way Hawk! You should be very proud of that. Glad that you had a good day yesterday!
Thanks for always stopping by my thread and giving me encouragement LT! It has been the toughest year I have ever been through but you and a lot of others have made it somewhat easier if possible!! :-) I appreciate all of the support and advice I have received on here, it feels good to talk to people who really understand!!!
You have done the same for me hawk and it's massively appreciated! I feel like I'm eternally in everyone's debt around here for helping me grind through this rough spot. While the reasons we are all here suck, I'm glad that we've all found each other! Don't know how I would be where I am without y'all! Keep up the awesome work hawk!
Haven't been on here in several weeks so catching up and checking in. Glad you are doing well!
Seems to be a lot of new faces on the forum. I hate it for all these newcomers
Hey bsb,
I am doing okay, just trying to stay busy and doing things I want to do. Yes, there are alot of new faces sadly.....but I am glad we are here to support them like everyone does for us...crazy how life can change so quickly...
Agree. Its tough seeing the new names pop up all the time. Hard to believe that we are no longer the new folks anymore. Hawk and bsb, hope y'all have some good stuff setup for the weekend!
Well...I had a good weekend until I got my final D papers in the mail on Saturday. Ugh...I was out with a good friend Sat. night and had a good cry when I got home. Sunday and Monday I had alot to do so luckily I didn't have alot of sitting around time.
I know my M was over at BD but it is still just unreal and I don't understand what happened. But I know I can't change the way she is right now and I just have to keep moving forward, I am ok on my own. I would rather have her as my W but I will be ok.
hey hawk,
sorry about your D being finalized. I can't imagine how difficult that was. You're right, our M's were over long before D is ever finalized.
Indeed it's weird we are not new!!! we've come such a long way, and we've got an even longer healing road. I guess we all start to fall off as our D's get settled. or started...as that's what looks like my stitch will be here soon.
Glad we're all still here supporting each other!
Hawk, first, I'm sorry about you getting the papers this weekend. I know that's got to be rough, even if you feel ready to have something like that happen. You sound like you're doing well after it though. You have alot to be proud of in yourself. Remember, no one knows what the future holds. Just keep working on yourself and I've no doubt good things are in your future.
But I know I can't change the way she is right now and I just have to keep moving forward, I am ok on my own. I would rather have her as my W but I will be ok.
This is how I know you are going to be ok. You have such an awesome perspective on this thing. Here for you Hawk. Hang in there.
Thanks LT and Cheesyt....I couldn't have been where I am if it wasn't for you guys!!! I appreciate all of the support!! I continue to volunteer and GAL and just do the things that I enjoy.
You guys are both awesome and deserve the best...we all do...I do hope that good things come in all our our futures.
The EX texted some random thing today about a dog virus going around the city??? Like we got D papers this weekend and you want to text me that? Is she checking to see if I got them? Is she trying to ease her guilt by starting a conversation??? Weird...just weird....
Ugh, I can't imagine that feeling, sorry. Sounds like you took it in stride though all things considered. It is perfectly healthy to acknowledge the pain that comes with it and then pick yourself back up. Proud of you! You seem to be a very strong person and I admire it.
Goodness knows what on earth she was thinking texting you that. Maybe she did expect you to say "btw I got the papers", or maybe she was just being friendly because she felt guilt, or maybe she was being friendly because she had regret and wanted to reach out. Really no one knows. Waywards be cray-cray, that's all I know. We can't figure them out no matter how we try, they just do weird stuff. Ha!
Keep us posted. If you need some support as your sitch gets down to the ugly reality of D then you know where a lot of listening ears (eyes) are to vent to. Much love, and stay strong.
Thanks Fightin, I appreciate it!! I try to be strong but sometimes I'm not but I know that is part of the process. :-) Yes, they are cray-cray that is for sure!!! I just don't get how they don't seem to give a crap...I will never understand that I guess.
I will post when need to vent more...hahaha thanks!!
Hey hawker, how you holding up buddy?? Sorry to hear that everything was finalized but now maybe you can fully start to move on? I will be right behind you in a few weeks and I'm worried it will be hard just like it was for you.
One day at a time
Hawker - since its been 1 year since BD, can you look back to any points when your now Ex may have come back to reality? I'm just starting this journey with a WAW and am doing my GAL, etc. But im curious if they ever have moments where we can truly change their path.
Thanks for any hindsight advice.
Hey guys...
Bsb...I am doing good considering..I had a good cry the day I got the papers and it hasn't been that bad really after...I keep trying to stay busy!! That is the best thing for me and being around my friends, they take my mind off of it. Maybe it will help me to move forward...I know I did all I could to save my M, I can't change her thinking so I have to accept it and do my thing. I will be ok.
Yes, I miss some things but I also have been enjoying "me" time. Sometimes I wonder what I miss exactly...a good friend told me that she learned in IC that other people can fill the void for now to help get you through. I missed going to dinner, movies with my W but I go now with friends, etc.
I am not to the point of moving on to dating, I really have no interest AT ALL....hopefully in time. :-)
KevinIN...Well, it has been a year since I found out about My W was having a EA...we lived in the same house for 6 months but basically "acted" like we still were M except she slept in the spare room. I didn't know about DB until late in my sitch...so those 6 months she was trying to "decide" what she wanted.
She moved out in May still supposedly not knowing what she wanted and then the PA started in July...from there she moved in with AP in Aug...so that is that....
There were a few times I thought she was coming out of it late in the sitch...like in Oct. she said how much she missed me, our friends, our dogs, etc. She asked me "how did all of this happen?" I didn't answer because she needs to figure that out herself. I thought maybe she would realize running away and having an A wasn't the answer...well a week later she said she was filing...so I was wrong....
I don't see any other time really? She acts like she cares sometimes but I just think she is trying to ease her guilt. She is just like all of this is no big deal so maybe she doesn't care at all...IDK....I mean I received the final divorce papers last Sat and on Tues she tried texting me that she saw an article in the paper about a dog virus going around the city......disconnected to reality....maybe she just wanted me to tell her I got the papers....who really knows....
Sorry not much help in that area.....I wish there would be more stories on here of people that came back to reality to see what they were thinking during this time....even if they didn't R with their spouses I just would like to hear what they were thinking....
Hawker - thanks for the info. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. Im sure there are success stories somewhere. I dont expect to be one, but it would be nice to hear from some of them that had WAWs.
KevinIn
I would say the "success" is that most of us on here take the time to learn and heal properly. We become better people for the next relationship. That could be with our current spouses or a completely new relationship.
Hang in there, like everyone says.... it will get better with time one way or another.
I would agree bsb...we take the time, put in the work of figuring what we did wrong in the R and learn from that so that we become better people.
It does get better with time....not saying there still aren't hard moments but they are further and further apart each day.
Hawk. How are you my friend?
Hi LT
I am doing good. I have been staying pretty busy....golfing a lot and March madness hahaha. Today is my ex W's birthday. I wasn't sure how I would feel today but surprisingly I am ok with it, I guess because it is what is is and i don't wanna focus on her.
She has texted about work a few times this week and she slid in some basketball stuff in there. This is the time of the year when we first met 11 years ago....idk if that has anything to do with it....who knows....
Thanks for checking in LT. I hope you have been doing ok. I need to reply to ur last update!
Busy is always good hawk! I'm jealous on the golf. Used to play 3-4 times a week years ago. Haven't been out since June. Hoping to ramp that up this spring!
Good work on yourself hawk! I'm glad to hear that you're doing so well. All you can do is focus on yourself right now and you are doing a wonderful job at that! Keep it up and enjoy the basketball! Can't wait for the NFL to start back up again, though I get the feeling it'll be a rough year for my skins...
Keep doing what you're doing hawk!
a rough year for my skins...
HTTR.
Hawker - this is the first time in nearly 20 years i didnt get into watching March Madness. Once I realized this, it made me even madder at the W. Also picked up golf lessons throughout April to help get my swing back.
I would say the "success" is that most of us on here take the time to learn and heal properly. We become better people for the next relationship. That could be with our current spouses or a completely new relationship.
Bingo. Because there is no going back to the old relationship...
Yep the old R is long gone and we can just keep working on us.
LT,
What are my cowboys doing with their defense??? We let everyone go.....ugh I was looking forward to next year. Not sure now! I think once u get a place you should start golfing again! Do some things for you LT!!!
Kevinin...my team moved on to the sweet 16 so I was happy about that!!! Hope you caught some games, the second round was more entertaining than the first round this year.
Have a great Monday everyone
Hawk, how's the golf game?
Hey LT....the golf game is up and down..hahha...I actually just got back from volunteering there...hopefully I will play more on the weekends now that basketball is almost over. :-(
Not alot going on ....the ex texts random stuff weekly but nothing important....
Hang in there LT.
You golf? That's therapeutic in its own. Where else can you throw a club and not get in trouble?
Hahah yes Jeep I golf, it has become my new passion or frustration depending on how I play!! Lol. Ya I have been known to throw a club or 2
Hahah yes Jeep I golf, it has become my new passion or frustration depending on how I play!! Lol. Ya I have been known to throw a club or 2
Love golf! Played all over the country where Uncle Sam sent us...
That's cool...I would like to do a golf tour...playing a course wherever I travel 2...