pregnant and uncertain about the future - 12/07/16 06:28 PM
To be honest, I'm not sure if I should be here or not but I figured that if I don't absolutely know I shouldn't be here, then I probably should be.
I was here years back dealing with the marriage from hell that thankfully finally ended. It was too much. I finally had to stop living in denial about the constant, intensive abuse in that relationship.
My problems have to do with my current relationship.
We've been together almost two years but don't live together. In fact, we've been doing tons of crazy driving managing a relationship that's 100 miles apart - not easy when we both have little ones. But he was finally due to move in this fall and we're so great together, we both figured it was worth the inconvenience and hassle to have to do the distance thing for a while.
A few months ago, July-ish, we were walking on air. Things were so, so good that marriage was imminent and we constantly had these sweet, mutually excited discussions about whether we'd elope or not. I teased him that we had all these talks - him even determining what he'd want to wear! - but he still hadn't proposed. He indicated he was hoping to correct that really soon. I figured he was trying to decide on a ring or something and knew he was trying to save up some money.
Well, then in August we find out we're pregnant. Not exactly the timing either of us would have preferred but, hey, we adore each other and knew we wanted a baby together so... we'll figure it all out.
Well, then he got into a car accident a month later. No savings, now all this financial setback, problems with transportation, delays to him moving him..... Ugh. But... I was determined to be patient, as much as it is no fun being pregnant on my own.
Like a lot of couples, we got in a tiff after the election. We voted for the same people and still managed to get in a tiff. But some old (married, supposedly) friend of his took it as an opportunity to try to tell him that he shouldn't stay with me. I doubt she'd give the same advice if she knew me or about the baby or anything. Best I can tell, he didn't really respond to these messages but I'm sure he read them. She's rather far away and I don't view *her* particularly as a threat (even though she's pretty and they probably have some important things in common that he and I don't), just the message and seeds she tried to plant. He did say after we'd made up that he didn't care who he had to weed out of his life to keep me - anyone who wasn't supportive of "us" and our family would have to go.
That's a rather supportive thing to say. But I sure don't *feel* supported. Even still, he insists things will be fine and he's just trying to get everything together to move in, probably by the end of the month. This doesn't seem likely to me: he's yet to find a job over here. I don't think he's even been looking.
But things are distant. Weird. I know this vibe. It's the vibe you get when a guy starts using porn or talking to girls on the internet because they become weird and sex becomes really bizarre out of nowhere. Frankly, our sex life was fantastic before - we both thought so, it was one of our strongest points. But now? Now it's weird. He's trying things I don't like without talking about it first - which he said he was doing because of things I'd said in the past that lead him to think I wanted him to do something different. But he definitely missed the mark even on trying to experiment on those things and I ended up feeling used and hollow. And he's just not *there*. One of the last couple times we had sex, I ended up crying during it and just shutting down. There was just something about him that made it so obvious that he was no longer making love to me, I was just something to f--k.
He doesn't check in with me as much or talk to me as much when he's not here, sexy messages ceased a while back, sweet messages are very rare, he's been calling less, and I'm just frustrated. When he stays over, things are fine - except for the recent weirdness with sex - but something's wrong.
I'm feeling super uncertain about things now. We were planning a big move together this coming summer back to my home state on the other side of the country. Now I don't know what will happen.
I'm also, frankly, mad and bitter. He's known for some time now that I need him to move him - my finances are way, way too tight and every little added thing causes financial chaos. But he doesn't help and doesn't even cover his share of the relationship costs - transportation, etc. And I don't see any effort from him to find a job over here so I'm not feeling very confident despite his reassurances. What he says and what he does don't quite match up.
Most of the 180s I'd turn to in a situation like this aren't options either because I'm dead, dead broke or because of the pregnancy. I had not hit my goal weight by a long shot before this pregnancy came along and I'm feeling really bad about myself which isn't normal for me. I can't afford the clothes I need or a haircut. I can't afford groceries to cook nice meals when he's over. I don't have anyone to watch my kids, no real friends here, not much to do, and fully recognize that aside from my studies, I've gotten a bit... boring.
I feel stuck and hopeless. The state of things is really getting to me. The vibe between us is so different that I just don't know what to do. I'm not feeling so hopeful about our future at all. It hurts. We were so great for each other and still would be if I could just wrap my head around the current state of things and figure out how to respond to it.
He took some time to go out to the woods this week and see if he could do some hunting and while I definitely don't like him being out of contact right now, I figured it was best to let him have his time to think and refresh. We're supposed to go in for a big, long ultrasound tomorrow and I'm hoping a good view of our little girl will put him in a better, more proactive, more supportive frame of mind. Hopeful, but not counting on it.
I'm doing my best to remain as sweet and patient as I can, neutral when I can't muster that. But I feel unsupported and invisible. I'm feeling really insecure about our future and that is not a good place to be in with a baby due in April. Is it all in my head? Any suggestions? I feel so lost.
I was here years back dealing with the marriage from hell that thankfully finally ended. It was too much. I finally had to stop living in denial about the constant, intensive abuse in that relationship.
My problems have to do with my current relationship.
We've been together almost two years but don't live together. In fact, we've been doing tons of crazy driving managing a relationship that's 100 miles apart - not easy when we both have little ones. But he was finally due to move in this fall and we're so great together, we both figured it was worth the inconvenience and hassle to have to do the distance thing for a while.
A few months ago, July-ish, we were walking on air. Things were so, so good that marriage was imminent and we constantly had these sweet, mutually excited discussions about whether we'd elope or not. I teased him that we had all these talks - him even determining what he'd want to wear! - but he still hadn't proposed. He indicated he was hoping to correct that really soon. I figured he was trying to decide on a ring or something and knew he was trying to save up some money.
Well, then in August we find out we're pregnant. Not exactly the timing either of us would have preferred but, hey, we adore each other and knew we wanted a baby together so... we'll figure it all out.
Well, then he got into a car accident a month later. No savings, now all this financial setback, problems with transportation, delays to him moving him..... Ugh. But... I was determined to be patient, as much as it is no fun being pregnant on my own.
Like a lot of couples, we got in a tiff after the election. We voted for the same people and still managed to get in a tiff. But some old (married, supposedly) friend of his took it as an opportunity to try to tell him that he shouldn't stay with me. I doubt she'd give the same advice if she knew me or about the baby or anything. Best I can tell, he didn't really respond to these messages but I'm sure he read them. She's rather far away and I don't view *her* particularly as a threat (even though she's pretty and they probably have some important things in common that he and I don't), just the message and seeds she tried to plant. He did say after we'd made up that he didn't care who he had to weed out of his life to keep me - anyone who wasn't supportive of "us" and our family would have to go.
That's a rather supportive thing to say. But I sure don't *feel* supported. Even still, he insists things will be fine and he's just trying to get everything together to move in, probably by the end of the month. This doesn't seem likely to me: he's yet to find a job over here. I don't think he's even been looking.
But things are distant. Weird. I know this vibe. It's the vibe you get when a guy starts using porn or talking to girls on the internet because they become weird and sex becomes really bizarre out of nowhere. Frankly, our sex life was fantastic before - we both thought so, it was one of our strongest points. But now? Now it's weird. He's trying things I don't like without talking about it first - which he said he was doing because of things I'd said in the past that lead him to think I wanted him to do something different. But he definitely missed the mark even on trying to experiment on those things and I ended up feeling used and hollow. And he's just not *there*. One of the last couple times we had sex, I ended up crying during it and just shutting down. There was just something about him that made it so obvious that he was no longer making love to me, I was just something to f--k.
He doesn't check in with me as much or talk to me as much when he's not here, sexy messages ceased a while back, sweet messages are very rare, he's been calling less, and I'm just frustrated. When he stays over, things are fine - except for the recent weirdness with sex - but something's wrong.
I'm feeling super uncertain about things now. We were planning a big move together this coming summer back to my home state on the other side of the country. Now I don't know what will happen.
I'm also, frankly, mad and bitter. He's known for some time now that I need him to move him - my finances are way, way too tight and every little added thing causes financial chaos. But he doesn't help and doesn't even cover his share of the relationship costs - transportation, etc. And I don't see any effort from him to find a job over here so I'm not feeling very confident despite his reassurances. What he says and what he does don't quite match up.
Most of the 180s I'd turn to in a situation like this aren't options either because I'm dead, dead broke or because of the pregnancy. I had not hit my goal weight by a long shot before this pregnancy came along and I'm feeling really bad about myself which isn't normal for me. I can't afford the clothes I need or a haircut. I can't afford groceries to cook nice meals when he's over. I don't have anyone to watch my kids, no real friends here, not much to do, and fully recognize that aside from my studies, I've gotten a bit... boring.
I feel stuck and hopeless. The state of things is really getting to me. The vibe between us is so different that I just don't know what to do. I'm not feeling so hopeful about our future at all. It hurts. We were so great for each other and still would be if I could just wrap my head around the current state of things and figure out how to respond to it.
He took some time to go out to the woods this week and see if he could do some hunting and while I definitely don't like him being out of contact right now, I figured it was best to let him have his time to think and refresh. We're supposed to go in for a big, long ultrasound tomorrow and I'm hoping a good view of our little girl will put him in a better, more proactive, more supportive frame of mind. Hopeful, but not counting on it.
I'm doing my best to remain as sweet and patient as I can, neutral when I can't muster that. But I feel unsupported and invisible. I'm feeling really insecure about our future and that is not a good place to be in with a baby due in April. Is it all in my head? Any suggestions? I feel so lost.