So I am new to board. My wife and I have been having issues for about a year now and I just found out about the affair two weeks ago. I have had my suspicions for about 6 months and two weeks ago I finally had the evidence I needed. Luckily I found this board and the books and have read both of them. I have implemented the 37 rules and hopefully that will work. The WW is still having the affair and I know has talked to him on the phone and been out with him at least once. After a week of pursing and pleading to end the affair I have given up and implemented the principles in the book. Christmas is right around the corner and I plan on taking the kids to family events by myself. She is not happy about this and has asked me to reconsider as it will upset the kids. Any feedback? We are sleeping in the same house separate rooms, so we will both be there Christmas morning. Also should we tell the kids anything ? They are 11 , 8, and 4.
Some of these stories just amaze me. "Hey, I'm going to have an affair, but let's play pretend husband and wife for the kids." Crazy.
How long has the affair been going on for sure? Is it an EA or PA? Has she asked for divorce? What is your family life now around the kids? Still same house, same room, same bed?
I agree. I thought my wife was crazy until I got on here and she acts like all the other WW. I don't know how long the affair has been going on for sure. From what I gathered it was about a two month EA and a 6 month PA based on my snooping phone records and going back looking at the calendar on dates she was gone and matching that up with the phone records. The guy is a couple friend of ours so that makes it even harder. I think it got physical after we went on a weekend vacation with them. The night I exposed her she didn't want to give me details because she said it didn't matter if we were just going to get a divorce. All summer since that vacation was miserable. We had the normal talks of no connection , she is not happy, doesn't love me anymore and she didn't have the desire to try to work in our marriage. This was all hard on me and she even went to counseling , not sure for what if she was in a PA. I had asked her to go to MC but she said she wanted to go by herself to figure her out.
Since the first night there has not been talk of divorce. The next day I asked her if she was going to stop the affair and she said she didn't know. By the end of the first week I wrote her a letter and she said she knows what she is doing is wrong and would stop it. That didn't last long as two nights later she went out and didn't come home until the next morning . That night I found this site and stopped all pleading, etc and haven't talked much.
I feel like our family life is fine at home now things are out in the open and I am not acting like a puppy dog trying to get her attention.
Same house, different bedrooms.
This site gives me hope, but she continues to talk to the guy. The worst part is I have to see him at many of the kids events. I haven't approached him yet though , we have just stayed away from each other .
Some of these stories just amaze me. "Hey, I'm going to have an affair, but let's play pretend husband and wife for the kids." Crazy.
Cheaters are extreme cake eaters. They want it all. Whatever makes them happy regardless of how much pain they cause others.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
That's for sure. I told her after she didn't come home that last night that I didn't care if she hurts me, I am a big boy. But she is hurting our kids and they will never forget that. Going out all the time and not coming home, the kids notice and are wondering where there mom is and why she is not home when they wake up. She seems to understand that as she said she was sorry and she knows she is hurting the kids. But actions speak louder than words and she continues to talk to him and I am sure seeing him behind my back. She is a stay at home mom and has a lot of time on her hands. Like people say, it's and addiction and she is addicted and can't control it.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
That's for sure. I told her after she didn't come home that last night that I didn't care if she hurts me, I am a big boy. But she is hurting our kids and they will never forget that. Going out all the time and not coming home
Are you OK with this? It seems that you haven't said stop or else. As others have said on here, she is really eating her cake because you are giving her the impression that you don't care if she is seeing someone else while she is married to you.
The WW is still having the affair and I know has talked to him on the phone and been out with him at least once.
I had to go back and read this one again - are you saying that you went out with him? I don't know how you did it...I told the OM that if I ever saw him I'd break his legs. Period.
No, I am not ok with this. But I really have no control of this. I am trying to wait it out and hope she gets out of the fog. I have set up some boundaries like telling her I will not do Christmas activities with her that I will do my family stuff alone and she will do her stuff alone as long as there is still contact with him. It has involved our kids as well. He coaches one of our kids in baseball and I have told my wife our son will have to quit. She said I am taking it out on our son and it isn't his fault and I should let him play and that she wouldn't talk to him at the games. I said no, he will not play baseball with the guy that potentially has ruined our marriage.
What else am I supposed to do if she refuses to stop it. I want to make this work, so I am waiting. I can't force her out of the house.
No I haven't gone out with him, I know my wife has since she was exposed. I have seen the guy 4 times since finding out at kid events, and yes I do want to get physical with him, but have resorted to just trying to stay away from him.
Is there any benefit in speaking to the OM? In my case, I have not done so but have been tempted.
I don't think so, he has a pretty narsisictic personality so it's all about him usually. I have thought of talking to the OM wife as well, but she really had no control over this guy and he has always done what he wants. And the book says do not expose to others.
Thanks and good luck. This stuff is awful, but good to know I am not alone. Thanksgiving was tough and Christmas will be too.
I don't think so, he has a pretty narsisictic personality so it's all about him usually. I have thought of talking to the OM wife as well, but she really had no control over this guy and he has always done what he wants. And the book says do not expose to others.
I've seen a lot of advice on here about exposing it to others. A LOT. And most says do it based on that the other person most definitely needs to know and it can also bring the whole thing to a screeching halt. Dang sure did the OM's wife called me that time.
Blow that f****ng ship out of the water.
I am thinking of exposing her to her family to see if they can get it to stop cause I know she hasn't told them about it, just that we are not getting along.
Thanks, it does suck. I just told her that we are going to our separate families on Christmas Eve and Christmas. She still wants them Christmas evening but I am not going to budge on that. It's definitely going to be a hard Christmas..
Good for you for not budging!
Christmas can be a really weird time of year. It seems like almost everyone has so many expectations of what Christmas should be and it's just one freakin' day of the year. What's up with that?
I'm a Festivus guy myself.
I am thinking of exposing her to her family to see if they can get it to stop cause I know she hasn't told them about it, just that we are not getting along.
Good idea.
So my WW went out last night and I know she didn't go out to dinner with her friends because there were no debit or credit charges and I know she didn't have cash. Do I continue to ignore her or ask for a separation and ask her to move out. I thought I could handle this in the same house but it bothers me that she is going out with this guy? I planned on giving it at least to the new year, but not sure if I can wait that long.
Do you know if she went out with him? If so, then that's really a no-brainer. To say nothing and ignore is basically giving permission.
If it were me, I'd say something like either this will stop (and you will need full transparency) or I will be filing or whatever. I and this family won't be disrespected like this. And then you have to be prepared to back it up. If her name is on the lease/mortgage/etc, you can't really ask her to leave, but you can say you aren't sleeping in the marital bed anymore. Others may know more, though.
Waiting until the new year for what? That's only a few weeks away. But the foot needs to be put down on the OM.
I would not expose it to her family. I was tempted to do that with my WW but ultimately chose not to and today, I'm glad I didn't.
Exposing it to OM's W is another story. Some members here (TxHubby) did expose the A and it worked in his favor. But other will say that those that do the exposing tend to not do as well. Exposing the A will enrage your W. It may stop the A but she could also choose to leave and be with him. Ultimately, you would want HER to choose to end the A and not force her to end it.
In my case, I kicked my W out of the house and I THOUGHT we were working on our M because I thought the A had stopped. I found out 2 1/2 months later that it was still going on so I filed for D and planned on exposing it at that time but OM confessed to his W. That ended the A and got my W to start coming out of the fog.
In my case, no one, including my W, can fault me for my behavior during our separation and her A. I was a saint. I was DB'ing and making myself a better man. I am proud of the way a behaved during that time. My W cannot say the same of her behavior.
would not expose it to her family. I was tempted to do that with my WW but ultimately chose not to and today, I'm glad I didn't.
Exposing it to OM's W is another story. Some members here (TxHubby) did expose the A and it worked in his favor. But other will say that those that do the exposing tend to not do as well. Exposing the A will enrage your W. It may stop the A but she could also choose to leave and be with him. Ultimately, you would want HER to choose to end the A and not force her to end it.
In my case, I kicked my W out of the house and I THOUGHT we were working on our M because I thought the A had stopped. I found out 2 1/2 months later that it was still going on so I filed for D and planned on exposing it at that time but OM confessed to his W. That ended the A and got my W to start coming out of the fog.
In my case, no one, including my W, can fault me for my behavior during our separation and her A. I was a saint. I was DB'ing and making myself a better man. I am proud of the way a behaved during that time. My W cannot say the same of her behavior.
That's awesome that it worked out that way for you. The first to expose the affair was the OMs wife when she called me. The second exposure was when I had had enough of her family's BS and told her Dad - while I've not heard anything from them (except him), it stopped.
My wife's and the OM's affair was stopped. They paid a steep price for their actions and the ruining of two families. But then again, my ex never once apologized or showed any remorse - but sociopaths don't typically do that, either.
I, too, was a saint and did nothing wrong and I'm proud of the way I handled it. I could have sent the pics/emails/texts/etc to everyone, including her command. And that would have ruined her in more ways than one. But, I didn't.
Thanks for the advice. I don't know for sure she was with him, but she didn't pay for anything and she came home about 2 hours after the restaurant closed so most likely she did.
I have been trying to ignore things like the book says, don't ask questions where she is who she is with, but from what you guys are saying is that I shouldn't stand for this. I thought I could just let it die, but it doesn't look like it's going to so I need to try something different.
I was going to wait to the end of the year to get through the holidays with the kids and also I have legal coverage through work come Jan 1 so that will save me a lot of money.
I think I am going to talk to his wife. We are somewhat friends anyway so it should not be so awkward as a telling a stranger. I think deep down she knows something is going on anyway because my wife and her were friends and now don't even talk.
I think I am going to talk to his wife. We are somewhat friends anyway so it should not be so awkward as a telling a stranger. I think deep down she knows something is going on anyway because my wife and her were friends and now don't even talk.
In my case, the OMs wife thought about that for a while before telling me. She sat on it for a week or two and finally did. I'm glad she did, too. If you do, bring proof. You will need it.
Haven't gotten a chance to talk to the guys wife yet, but I did GAL this weekend and went out with some friends and left the WW at home to watch the kids. Got home late and didn't even get any questions this morning. I don't think she really cares what I do at this point, but at least I am having fun and getting on with my life again and not worrying about where our marriage is heading. You can only control yourself and focusing on me now.
Try getting a house alarm system. Set it every time she goes out. If she is a stay at home mom then start cutting off some of the things she takes for granted. No more cell phone. If she wants to continue the A it will be on her dime to pay for the means to do it. Same with other things. No family money will be spent facilitating the A. Move your paycheck to a separate account so you have control of the family money. Cancel combined credit card accounts. Let her get her own and pay for it. Again, family money will not be used in any manner to facilitate the A.
When exposing the A to other people first think about how things will be like if you and WW work things out. If it would be weird or cause problems then don't expose it to people you will have to be around in the future. OM's W is a different story.
She is a stay at home mom and has a lot of time on her hands. Like people say, it's and addiction and she is addicted and can't control it.
How do you mean she can't control it?
Just going on what I read on how it's an addiction and they seem not to be able to control it because the affair is like a drug.
Just going on what I read on how it's an addiction and they seem not to be able to control it because the affair is like a drug.
That's what they say and from my ex's actions, I believe it. I remember the day when the OM's wife called me and spilled the beans and sent all the pictures and all. I confronted the ex and she just sat on the be for a solid hour just staring at the wall.
This situation is so annoying. Normally we go to my family and her family on Christmas. Since she is having the affair I told her we were not doing any get togethers as a family. I would do my family things and she would do hers. That means that I told her she can have the kids Christmas Eve and go to another one of her family's and I would take the kids Christmas Day and just do my family. Today she said she would pick the kids up on Christmas from my family's so she could take them to hers. I said no. She said I am doing this to hurt her and it's not the best for the kids. I said I am doing this because you are having an affair a divorce is what you want, this is how it's going to be so get used to it.
We then talked about if we should tell the kids before or after Christmas. I said after cause I don't want to upset them during Christmas. She said we should tell them something before cause it would be weird if we are not doing things together. I don't think they would think anything cause they are kids. Not sure what to do here.
She still thinks our marriage is done and acts like the affair is so normal and asks like it is not a big deal. She continues to say that she tried and I will never change. I continue to tell her she never tried, she just talked and did no action. I continue to tell her if that's what she wants, that's fine, but it's all on her.
She still thinks our marriage is done and acts like the affair is so normal and asks like it is not a big deal. She continues to say that she tried and I will never change. I continue to tell her she never tried, she just talked and did no action. I continue to tell her if that's what she wants, that's fine, but it's all on her.
I would go back to "sandi's 37 rules", read rule #1, you will not be able to reason with her, don't try. You can not convince her of anything and it will make things worse. You can only validate her feelings even though you don't agree with them. Saying "it's all on her" is laying guilt on her and won't help either. At this point you can only acknowledge and validate, she is in an affair and she will only see her "truths".
There is a link to validation statements in Cadet's email to you. I printed "sandi's 37 rules" and read them everyday. I wouldn't "continue to tell her" anything.
And unfortunately telling her when she can have the kids and when she can't will make things worse as well, you do need to come to an agreement on that. Standing up for yourself by letting her know she is not invited to your Christmas and you will not be going to hers is setting a good boundary.
Following the rules is tough, but it will help you save some of your sanity and the ups and downs of emotions. Unfortunately you are probably in for a long haul and you need to work on yourself and take care of the kids. No relationship talk unless she initiates it. Set healthy boundaries for you, but she will need to find her way out of this fog herself.
With our kids for Thanksgiving we told them that I would be taking them to my parents on Thanksgiving and my W would take them to her parents the day after Thanksgiving and there were no issues. Our kids are 11,13,15 and know we have problems (don't sleep in same bed) but don't know that she has filed for divorce. Hope that helps.
So last night the WW came into my room when I was sleeping and said the carbon monoxide detector was beeping in her room like the battery was going to die and it needed to be changed. She asked what she should do. I said get a chair and change the battery and rolled over and went back to bed. That felt great. If u are going to have a affair don't expect me to do anything for you. I am not there for you when you need something. Figure it out yourself. Woke up this morning and it was still beeping.
I think the saddest part of all of this is seeing the self destruction that the WW does to herself. Last night I came home from work and she was drunk. Apparently her and another friend drank 3 bottles of wine during a play date at our house. So I had to make dinner for the kids and do all of their homework as she was too drunk and just sat on the couch and looked at her phone until she passed out. She made a snide comment about me being super dad lately, so I guess she notices my 180s but really does not care. I was thinking to myself well someone has to be there for the kids cause you have been a terrible mom lately and are only concerned with yourself.
I am in a good place now I feel over her and ready to move on if that is what she wants. I feel like I still need to get over the fact that our family will never be the same and it will most likely be broken up. That's the one thing I am still struggling with. I still do not want the kids to have to grow up like that and I fear missing not seeing them everyday.
She seems to be on a self-destructive downward spiral. You need to make you and the kids your top priority. If she chooses to ruin her life, that's on her. Don't let her pull you and the kids down with her.
Hello Last79,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Be very careful with how, when and what you and your wife tell the children. Michele has written an article about this very topic. Please email me directly and I'll send you the link at no charge.
It sounds like you are doing a great job of making yourself and your precious kids your #1 priority. Keep it up! Establishing boundaries around the holidays is good too.
There are unintended consequences of exposing the affair to OM's wife and others. It could force your WW to go further underground. It could be more difficult to reconcile after she comes out of her fog and is embarrassed by her actions. Did you say that the OM is your son's coach? Would it be possible to move your son to another team?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Last79, how old is your wife? How long have you two been together and married? (I'd put this stuff in your signature. Go to My Stuff -> Edit Profile. It helps people remember each other's situations).
How was your marriage before things appeared to go wrong? Was she unhappy with you or the marriage for a while? Did she have serious complaints about you? Also, did you wife have a career before you guys had kids?
I added a signature. She is 39 and we have been married 15 years together for 17. Seems like forever.
The last kid put a strain on our marriage for about the last 2 years. We really don't have a good support system to help with the kids so we haven't made our marriage a priority and stopped going out alone because we couldn't afford a babysitter and didn't trust or have family to watch the baby. Now he is 4 and not as needy, but kinda too late damage has been done.
We are very typical, she would complain about things and then stop nagging about them for awhile, and then bring it up again. She would say things like I don't support her and I made her stay at home with the kids and she wanted to get a job because she was tired of staying st home. I always said I would rather u stay st home but if you want a job go get one. She was a teacher for 6 years before we had kids.
I don't think she has any serious complaints in my mind, basically I don't talk to her enoughnand she feels unsupported and it's always been about me and my career while she stays at home.
Like many say, I think she is unhappy with her life and takes it out on me. I know there are things I can do to show my appreciation more, etc, but it really goes both ways . I could never do enough and even though I support the entire family she never shows appreciation either of what I do for the family. We need to have more respect and gratitude for each other .
I don't think she has any serious complaints in my mind, basically I don't talk to her enoughnand she feels unsupported and it's always been about me and my career while she stays at home.
Like many say, I think she is unhappy with her life and takes it out on me. I know there are things I can do to show my appreciation more, etc, but it really goes both ways . I could never do enough and even though I support the entire family she never shows appreciation either of what I do for the family. We need to have more respect and gratitude for each other .
Last79,
Your wife is having an affair and she'll find any reason possible to make it your fault that she's having the affair. You can't expect her to change anything or show appreciation and respect. You just have to focus on yourself and your children as you move forward.
Your wife is having an affair and she'll find any reason possible to make it your fault that she's having the affair. You can't expect her to change anything or show appreciation and respect. You just have to focus on yourself and your children as you move forward.
Wise words, doodler.
Last79, doodler's right. They will spin things around and blame you for it. Some are so good they'll have you believing it was your fault...
They won't change or any of the like - why should they? Because to them, we simply don't exist outside of an annoyance.
I don't think she has any serious complaints in my mind, basically I don't talk to her enoughnand she feels unsupported and it's always been about me and my career while she stays at home.
Like many say, I think she is unhappy with her life and takes it out on me. I know there are things I can do to show my appreciation more, etc, but it really goes both ways . I could never do enough and even though I support the entire family she never shows appreciation either of what I do for the family. We need to have more respect and gratitude for each other .
Last79,
Your wife is having an affair and she'll find any reason possible to make it your fault that she's having the affair. You can't expect her to change anything or show appreciation and respect. You just have to focus on yourself and your children as you move forward.
Yes! Doodler is right. Listen to him. My W keeps sucking me into irrational conversations but I am getting better at not accepting blame. We were talking about D and something was upsetting W and she started blaming me. I couldn't take it anymore and said calmly but firmly that if she is upset about the D then it is all on her. She is the only one who wants this and is pushing for it and that she has to bear the consequences of her actions. She stopped talking to me about that issue and we moved on to another topic.
Your wife is having an affair and she'll find any reason possible to make it your fault that she's having the affair. You can't expect her to change anything or show appreciation and respect. You just have to focus on yourself and your children as you move forward.
Wise words, doodler.
Last79, doodler's right. They will spin things around and blame you for it. Some are so good they'll have you believing it was your fault...
They won't change or any of the like - why should they? Because to them, we simply don't exist outside of an annoyance.
I'll be the exception.
First let me say that I am not in any way excusing your wife's affair. That is on her. If she felt she couldn't stay married to you, the honorable thing would be to leave first, not to have an affair.
That said, you seem awfully dismissive of what seem to me to be very legitimate concerns. Not being emotionally supportive of your spouse, especially when she is staying home with them full time (which is often a socially isolating experience) is a big deal. Were you an involved dad?
When you said she could work if she wanted to, did you give her any reason to doubt that you would step up your domestic game to take over half the work?
The fact that she had an affair doesn't remove your responsibility for the kind of husband and father you were.
Now, maybe you feel like her charges are a rewriting of history, but that isn't what it sounds like from your post. Your post made it sound like you just don't think those complaints are serious or important.
If that's the case, I encourage you--for your sake and the sake of any relationships you have in the future--to rethink.
Your wife is having an affair and she'll find any reason possible to make it your fault that she's having the affair. You can't expect her to change anything or show appreciation and respect. You just have to focus on yourself and your children as you move forward.
Wise words, doodler.
Last79, doodler's right. They will spin things around and blame you for it. Some are so good they'll have you believing it was your fault...
They won't change or any of the like - why should they? Because to them, we simply don't exist outside of an annoyance.
I'll be the exception.
First let me say that I am not in any way excusing your wife's affair. That is on her. If she felt she couldn't stay married to you, the honorable thing would be to leave first, not to have an affair.
That said, you seem awfully dismissive of what seem to me to be very legitimate concerns. Not being emotionally supportive of your spouse, especially when she is staying home with them full time (which is often a socially isolating experience) is a big deal. Were you an involved dad?
When you said she could work if she wanted to, did you give her any reason to doubt that you would step up your domestic game to take over half the work?
The fact that she had an affair doesn't remove your responsibility for the kind of husband and father you were.
Now, maybe you feel like her charges are a rewriting of history, but that isn't what it sounds like from your post. Your post made it sound like you just don't think those complaints are serious or important.
If that's the case, I encourage you--for your sake and the sake of any relationships you have in the future--to rethink.
I can agree with both Doodler and Rose. Rose has an awesome perspective and has taught me a lot. Yes, listen and understand your W's points. There will be elements of hard to swallow truths in there as well as some crazy stuff, but don't throw the truth out with the crazy stuff. And when you acknowledge and understand the truth, figure out how you can change to be a better person.
Rose said exactly what I wanted to say: the affair is on her. But you, Last79, need to own up to whatever your shortcomings were as a spouse. I'm not saying it was all you there. Just sounds like you two had an unhealthy partnership for a long time.
- You stopped nurturing your relationship.
- Your W wanted to connect (talk) with you better but you didn't respond adequately.
- Your W had some ambition to get her own career but you didn't support it adequately/enthusiastically.
- You believe financially supporting the family is all you need to do; but were you helpful at home? Did you let her get some big breaks away from her kid/household duties?
Your W having an affair is absolutely awful and nothing absolves her for that. But you can't control her. So I list the things above to encourage you to take a good hard look at yourself.
Thanks for all the feedback all.
Yes I take responsibility for the portion of our marriage that was lacking. I may come across as not thinking her concerns are a big deal, but it's really me thinking that everything she says now are things we could really work on in a marriage. I don't think there are any issues we could not overcome. I now know from reading I have done since I could have been more supportive, and keep the spark alive by doing special things and dating. You get caught up in life and kids and think your too busy for that and it's not needed. Obviously it was for her.
And the other thing, was that we never had any serious conversations about her being that unhappy and we needed to work on some things. It was always just during an arguement something would come up about various things.
I am a very involved dad, so no issues there. And around the house I have always done all the outside stuff and take care of al the car maintance. I would hep around the house as needed, but she did do the most of it as she is home all day.
At times I was supportive. I encouraged to get out and meet some new friends with kids that still stayed at home but she refused saying she didn't need anymore friends. I never discouraged her from getting a job, just said I would rather her stay at home until the youngest would go to school but she could do what she wanted. She is not a push over so I have said since I found out about the affair that if you really want to go back to work you would have. I feel it's just an excuse cause she was never really vocal about it. She has been having an affair and unhappy for some time and she still had no plan on getting a job. You would think if she was so unhappy and wanted out she would at least figure out how to get a job.
And the final point, yes she had plenty time for girl time. She went out a lot with her girlfriends, apparently too much.
Anyone have any advice if I am trying the LRT if I am supposed to allow her to do things for me. Examples the last two days she had actually asked if I needed things when she was going to the store like food items for holiday parties I am going to or gifts that I need for people. Prior to this week she hasn't offered anything and I definately have not offered. I went to the store the other night and she did ask me to get two food items, and I did since I was going there. But she has asked me to fix something on her car and I have refused to do that since TS not a safety concern for the kids, it's just annoying to her. I am trying to stay dark with her unless it's about the kid, but she seems to be trying to talk to me more lately.
Last79,
Since it's Christmas Eve Eve, it's ok for her to get stuff for you. The important thing to remember is, when she delivers the stuff to you, DO NOT hump her leg. Leg humping is not LRT except on Mondays when there's a full moon.
So now my father in law said he would like me to come over for Christmas Eve if I don't have anywhere to go, which I don't since I haven't told many what's going on in our relationship. My wife said I don't care if you go if you want to. I know my kids would love for me to be there so I am torn. Give her the best of both worlds or go for this kids sake. It doesn't bother me to go there cause it's just her immediate family. They know we are not getting along but don't know about her affair.
I have been great until she told me this. I think it's because her dad was reaching out and cared about me on Christmas. Now I just feel sad and confused and it's Christmas Eve.
Anyone have experience or thoughts if I should just suck it up and go?
My WW and I had a discussion, I didn't lose my cool because that doesn't help anyone. My son and the OM son are friends and my son asked to go over to his house and play. I told him no. My WW continues to say that I am taking it out on him and he shouldn't be punished. I told her I have to have boundaries with our family around OM and that is one of them. She didn't like that and said when we are divorced she will allow it. That just aggravates me she thinks everything is fine and goes on as normal. I told her that is a consequence for what she is doing and she should take responsibility. Then somewhere along TJ conversation I said she was a bad mom for what she has done and we haven't talked since. She justifies herself as a good mom cause she goes to their stuff. But she forgets about all the time she is there she is on her phone and forgets about all the nights she goes out. I think it's time we physically separate cause I can't stand her behavior anymore.
Your boundaries are your own and I agree with them. I had all kinds of ideas for how your son could be allowed to go to that house but you'll have to use your imagination...
What are your plans for separation?
She doesn't have a job and we can't afford two places. I am going to ask her to move out and go live with her parents. I am thinking of doing the same and we can keep the kids in the house and switch every week. That's the plan in my head. I really have no clue what she is thinking. You would think if she was so miserable she would have been planning things but I know she hasn't. She might just want to get a divorce right away cause she only cares about herself and she knows she would get money from me, but we definately would have to sell our current house cause I couldn't afford that and afford her with no job.
Lots of similar situations out there. Talk to a L and don't leave your house.
Happy New Year everyone. I just got all the kids to sleep and we had a great night watching movies together. Wouldn't want to spend it any other way. The WW had no interaction with us tonight and spent the entire night upstairs in her room and was sleeping by 9. So sad, she is the one missing out on things. It's just so bizarre to me that anyone would act like that.
She did go out last night and before she left I said I hope you are thinking about what you want to do next because we need to talk next week and move forward with something cause I am not living like this anymore. I am not sure she was out with the OM , I just always assume at this point.
Well I finally had a conversation with the WW. Wasn't always calm and collective, so I didn't really do myself any favors. I forgot to validate her feelings, but don't think it matters. She said she doesn't like me anymore, I don't talk to her or support her and we are finished. I then said things like she was selfish and she never tried to save this marriage for us or the kids and if she can live with that let's move forward. She tried to validate her affair saying our marriage was over before the affair happened. I tried to turn it to her and tell her to make a plan and see what she wants to do since she doesn't have a job and we cannot afford to keep our life style. Of course she doesn't have one but after talking said we would move out and leave the kids in their home and swap weeks until she gets a job and can afford to move out.
I am ok with this, cause she isn't really present here when she is physically here anyway. She says she can't be around me so that's why she always hides out. I just am sick though thinking of telling the kids. I feel like I have failed them. And even though I hate my WW, I still love her and still dream of the idea of trying to work things out. I am starting to feel like the crazy one around here.
I feel like I am ok with leaving her, I just am not over the loss of a family and never having those together moments together, and missed opportunities with the kids in the future.
Do I need to bring up setting boundaries of seeing other people while separated? She obviously is talking to someone, but said they don't do anything anymore. I feel like if I am separated while I love her, I miss being with someone who loves me back and would love to go out with someone or hookup. I know that's probably not appropriate but we all have our needs. Just not sure if I should bring it up. I am pretty sure our marriage is over, as she told me that yesterday and today she said she doesn't ever think she was in love with me. That's always great to hear but at least she is telling me something.
You want to "hook-up" with someone while you are still married because you miss being with your wife who used to "love you back"?
I am not trying to give you my own moral compass, I just want you to use your own. Do what YOU think is right, honorable, kind, patient, compassionate, loving, and is a model of good behavior for all (especially your children).
-PM
Not a good idea... not only does it complicate things it doesn't feel good and doesn't justify what she is doing. My W at one point was encouraging me to "go out and date" to which I responded thanks but not really interested.
I tried it for a bit - and regret it as my W now wants to work on us. BTW most women aren't interested in someone not fully divorced anyways as they know the baggage you are carrying.
Your right, it's wrong and I need to keep my own boundaries and morals in check.
Did you ever read DB or DR?
Not a good idea... not only does it complicate things it doesn't feel good and doesn't justify what she is doing. My W at one point was encouraging me to "go out and date" to which I responded thanks but not really interested.
Seems like a standard tactic to assuage guilt on behalf of the WW. Mine keeps mentioning a friend (widowed mother of one of D's school friends) and that she likes me and all of that stuff. Even said she could put in a good word at one point... I just keep saying I have no interest in other women.
Yes, the thoughts of having your feelings, needs, emotions reciprocated by someone is enticing, but if at the end of the day it is your W that you want that from then having a pale imitation will only leave all parties feeling sullied, IMO.
For about a week I had a profile up on one of the dating websites. It was a reaction to my wife telling me that it would be "easier" for her to go through the emotional and financial burden of divorce rather than commit to working on a reconciliation. My profile clearly stated that I was separated and only looking for friendship, but deep down I knew that was just a ruse.
PatientMan is right. I miss the romantic and physical connection with my wife and thought I might be happy finding it elsewhere. But after a week I decided to take the profile down. Brining ANOTHER person into my mess is not an honorable thing to do.
Ironically, my W found out about the profile before I took it down and got really angry with me. My initial reaction was, "what do you expect?" and "if we're done, why do you care so much?" But I definitely regret doing it because she now has reason to doubt whether my words and actions are genuine.
Bottom line is that I (we) need to find peace/happiness within ourselves. It's definitely not fun to be alone and if you don't have many friends (like me) finding someone new to date is an easy way to cure that loneliness. But it's not worth it. Focus on your kids, family, and friends. And if you want to make new friends, go on meetup.com and find people who share your interests. That's what I'm doing now.
Btw, sorry about your situation. It $ucks. I mean it REALLY REALLY $ucks! Especially around this time of the year. But I've learned the hard way that you can only control your own actions. Stay strong!
She said she doesn't like me anymore, I don't talk to her or support her and we are finished. I then said things like she was selfish and she never tried to save this marriage for us or the kids and if she can live with that let's move forward. She tried to validate her affair saying our marriage was over before the affair happened.
My W said almost all the same things about 8 months ago... it's typical verbiage for a WW as they are in an altered reality and not themselves. Now that the A is over, she's singing a slightly different tune - I wouldn't put a lot of stock in any of what she's saying right now. Work on yourself, set your boundaries up and recognize you can't control her or her decisions - she will need to realize those on her own.
Last--
This is a good discussion. Helpful to me.
As PatientMan implied, I think you have to find your own moral compass and your own boundaries ... but if it were me, I could not live in the same house long-term w/ a wife who was clearly having a physical affair. I'd have to file.
You said you'd make your wife move out but ... you can ask but you can't legally make her do that.
Note that if you file, the court could evaluate the employability of your wife based on her education/training/skills and determine that she's responsible for earning a certain amount.
Anyhow, do all you can to take the high road.
Yes, I did read both of them. Maybe I should get them out again.
Chris73:
Thanks for the advice and giving your experience. I have been definately working on the friend thing. Been so focused on kids and wife the last 10 years I have lost touch with a lot of friends. I am planning a trip soon to go visit some so that will be good for me. Also thanks for the meetup.com site as I never heard of that and plan on checking it out. Your right it all sounds good to make up for the loneliness, but I dont think it would make me happy at this point.
ForGump:
It's been rough living together and knowing the affair was still going on. This week she somwewhat said that part was over, but I know they are still talking. It got to a point where she was not being a good mom with me being in the house cause she would ignore me, thus ignore the kids who were normally doing something with me. So we decided to keep the kids home and one of us would move out for the week and switch back and forth. Not ideal but really need to get her a job. I will talk to my lawyer about what you said, cause she is educated and should be able to get a decent job.
Last-- google "earning capacity" and "divorce" together.
"Yes, I did read both of them. Maybe I should get them out again."
And so based on the books, what did you write down as your goals and scheduled plan of action?
Update on my situation. My wife and I physically separated. We are leaving the kids in the house and one of us moves out for the week and stays with our respective parents. I had one week out and this is my week in. I can tell you I haven't been happier. No tension, less disagreements, no sleeping on the couch.
Leaving was hard the first day. The kids were upset, but seem to be adjusting. They still see both of us most days of the week cause the wife is helping watch the kids after school until I get home from work, and when I am out of the house, I still go to the kids activities in the evening and weekends. So we still get to see the kids at least for a short time everyday.
It's been an adjustment doing everything around the house and taking care of the kids. I have been physically exhausted, but mentally I feel the best I have in a long time.
Also on the affair part, I finally told the wife of the OM. I thought she had known, but apparently she did not and was very upset . She has since refused to talk to me, actually unfriended me on Facebook, not sure what I did, but I will let her deal with it as I know the first few weeks of discovery are hard. I have no clue what she and her husband are doing, but I do know my WW and the OM have since talked a lot less. They were talking on the phone for hours a day and it's only been a few days but it's down to a few minutes. I hope they end it for the sake of the children . I am not worried about our marriage at this time, as I know I will be fine with or without her in my life.
During this time of separation, are you still going to DB in the hopes of future reconciliation or are you committed to divorce now? Good job in telling the OM's W; how did you do that? How/what did you tell the kids?
I am still doing DB. I am open to reconciliation but I am good with whatever happens. I actually saw the OM wife at an event and pulled her aside and asked her if she wanted to talk about what's been going on. That's all it took and she knew. She however will not talk to me now and I just said call me anytime if you ever want to talk.
We just told the kids that we have been fighting and not getting along and needed some time apart.
So it seems like OM W knew? Yet she didn't want to talk. Another LBS with her own process. LBS zombies...we're kind of dead inside yet still walking around--sorry, bad joke.
That's right we all process differently, so I didn't push her as I have had time to process and she has not. While I think she knew deep down something's might be going on that was the first time she then confronted her husband. I only know cause then my WW asked if I talked to her and what I said. I said yes I talked to her and it wasn't important to her what we talked about.
What I don't get about WW is there ability to not being able to think clearly. I talked to one of my WW friends and she said everyone has said that she is stupid, the OM is a loser, he is no good, but she continues to see him and will not listen to anyone. Her friend even said that WW said oh he would change for me. She is being so manipulated by this guy it makes me sick. I feel sorry for her, but she has to figure it out on her own.
I feel like today I got to the point I want to ask for a divorce. I have know about the affair for 3 months and been physically seperated for 1 month. She continues to have the affair and will not listen to any one who tells her she is making a big mistake.
My problem is she doesn't have a job. She is a teacher and probably can't start one if she finds one until July or August. I can't really afford two houses until she gets a job.
What do I do, just stay seperated until then? Do I tell her I want a divorce , but will wait until she is financially stable? Bite the bullet and just be broke for 8 months. Don't tell her anything and just continue on living seperated.
Any opinions or experience in this area?
Is your signature correct? She's cheating and you're "taking turns staying in house"??? She cheats and you agree to leave the house half the time? May I politely ask WTF???
Yes. I couldn't stand living with her anymore and we can't afford two places. So for the sake of the kids we just swap in and out every week. It actually works out pretty good, as long as you like the place you are staying at on you off weeks which I do
Yes. I couldn't stand living with her anymore and we can't afford two places. So for the sake of the kids we just swap in and out every week. It actually works out pretty good, as long as you like the place you are staying at on you off weeks which I do
Last I was doing the same thing during my stitch. I realized later that all I was doing was enabling her. She was cake eating. You need to be in the house. If she wants to separate she should be the one to do everything, let her leave the house, let her file divorce etc. You can't save a marriage if you're not there. Hang in there it gets better.
You need to be in the house. If she wants to separate she should be the one to do everything, let her leave the house, let her file divorce etc
This. At the very least, kick her out of the MBR.
That doesn't bother me. We both sleep in there , not together obviously since we are not here at the same time anymore. The thing is is that I am to the point that I do not think I want to be with her anymore. The seperation has allowed me to realize that and her unwillingness to even try, I am done with that. She was having an affair for almost a year now and continues to do it so that just shows you she don't care about the kids or me so why should I care anymore. I am moving on. I hung on for a bit and have enjoyed getting a life and can now see myself living without her.
. The thing is is that I am to the point that I do not think I want to be with her anymore. The seperation has allowed me to realize that and her unwillingness to even try, I am done with that. She was having an affair for almost a year now and continues to do it so that just shows you she don't care about the kids or me so why should I care anymore. I am moving on. I hung on for a bit and have enjoyed getting a life and can now see myself living without her.
Both sad and refreshing, eh? Looks like you are doing well, my friend.
Yes. I couldn't stand living with her anymore and we can't afford two places. So for the sake of the kids we just swap in and out every week. It actually works out pretty good, as long as you like the place you are staying at on you off weeks which I do
Last I was doing the same thing during my stitch. I realized later that all I was doing was enabling her. She was cake eating. You need to be in the house. If she wants to separate she should be the one to do everything, let her leave the house, let her file divorce etc. You can't save a marriage if you're not there. Hang in there it gets better.
Yes, this ^^^. This is almost ver batim what I was going to follow up with. She's living the fantasy and you're completely enabling it. She gets family time when she wants it and fun time with OM when she wants it and you're going along with all of it. Why should she want to change anything?
That doesn't bother me. We both sleep in there , not together obviously since we are not here at the same time anymore. The thing is is that I am to the point that I do not think I want to be with her anymore. The seperation has allowed me to realize that and her unwillingness to even try, I am done with that. She was having an affair for almost a year now and continues to do it so that just shows you she don't care about the kids or me so why should I care anymore. I am moving on. I hung on for a bit and have enjoyed getting a life and can now see myself living without her.
Good for you. The point of dbing is so that we heal for ourselves and our marriage recovery is a by product of it. Our happiness lies within us and we do not need anyone else to make us happy.
Yes. I couldn't stand living with her anymore and we can't afford two places. So for the sake of the kids we just swap in and out every week. It actually works out pretty good, as long as you like the place you are staying at on you off weeks which I do
Last I was doing the same thing during my stitch. I realized later that all I was doing was enabling her. She was cake eating. You need to be in the house. If she wants to separate she should be the one to do everything, let her leave the house, let her file divorce etc. You can't save a marriage if you're not there. Hang in there it gets better.
Yes, this ^^^. This is almost ver batim what I was going to follow up with. She's living the fantasy and you're completely enabling it. She gets family time when she wants it and fun time with OM when she wants it and you're going along with all of it. Why should she want to change anything?
How do you apply DBing to this, so that the LBS can draw a line in the sand, but not seem controlling?
Standing your ground isn't being controlling. In no way should he leave, and I don't think its controlling to say "I'm not leaving the house" or the like. He isn't making her leave. What he can say are things like "I'm not going to live in a marriage where I am disrespected," etc., or something along those lines. But, he needs to back his statements up, too. He can let it be known that he won't leave the MBR, house, etc., because he isn't the one who left the marriage. If she wants to leave it, then so be it, but he won't. Heck, I'd even say if she were to sleep in the MBR, then she should expect to be hit on... haha.