I thought I would start a thread for those of you that feel compelled to compose an email, text or letter to your WAS.
Writing out your thoughts and feelings can be healing. But if you are a true DB'er, you should NOT send it to your WAS. I already made this mistake many times. It is pursuing and will only leave you feeling more rejected when they don't respond...and they probably won't respond.
So post them here. We will not judge. Just pour your heart out to your DB family, not to your WAS.
I know that I love you, but sometimes I feel like I hate you. How can you just replace me? You can't replace me with a stranger. He has nothing to do with the last 10 years of our life. Fck him. What kind of a man wedges himself into someone's marriage? He saw a damsel in distress and swooped in to save the day. You let him in and now he is more important to you than anything else in your life. Can you even imagine that? I hope you come back down to Earth soon...your life misses you.
I already sent my WAW a letter about 2 weeks after she left me. It was 19 pages. It didn't do a bit of good and she gave it to her L to use against me if she could. I wish it was something I didn't do (among a few other things)
Since it's 19 pages I don't think I will be posting it here.
Bam, what a great idea. I could pretty much just copy and paste yours at this point, changing very few words. I am the type to write out my feelings so I might decide at some point to do so here. Thanks!
I dig this, I actually kept a diary where I wrote letters to my wife for the first 3 or so months. I hid it somewhere and can't remember where. It would be interesting to read it now that I know I'm in a better place.
^^^Bump^^^
This didn't take off very well when I first posted it.
Just thought I might bump it to see if anyone wanted to post.
Even if you don't post here, remember to keep that 20 page email that you want to send, to yourself.
OK. I'll bite. I wrote this to my STBXW about 2 weeks after BD - I was a real mess at the time, so be prepared. I wrote it on her birthday. At the advice of my IC, I never gave it to her.
Dear STBXW,
Happy birthday. It's hard to find the right words, and I suppose there are no right words.
A long time ago we started walking in different directions, on different paths, sometimes getting closer, then drifting apart again. We got father apart, until we couldn't see each other any more. You tried to call out to me, but I couldn't hear you. I was wrapped up in my own pain. I tried to search for the path back, but I couldn't see it any more. I started to believe the way back was gone.
And then you screamed for me, screamed out in pain. And that scream woke me up. And I realized truly how far I'd gone, and I started to make my way back, discovering the path that I thought was lost.
I feel like I've gotten back to where I last saw you, but you're not here. You're now lost on your path, not seeing a way back, and not knowing which way to go.
And I'm screaming for you, telling you I'm sorry. Come back! I'm sorry! Find your way back. Follow my voice. I love you!
But you're far away, and maybe you can't hear me. I don't know how far you've gone.
If you're willing to listen, I'm still calling to you. If you can hear me, you can find your way back.
Thank god for my IC!
LOL.....I think we have all done similar things. I applaud you for posting! You need to pay your IC double the hourly rate next time you have a session
XW -
I remember vividly that at our first MC session, the counselor showed us the MWD video detailing the WAW syndrome. I remember her saying in the video that your actions have "woken me up" and that "[LBH's] make incredible second husbands". You replied through tears that that was exactly what you had hoped for me, but that you werent interested in that anymore.
I hope that you found whatever it was that you were looking for out there.I know that I have.
- K
Great thread and idea.
H I'm mad that you didn't think our family was worth saving. I'm mad you just gave up and blame me for everything. I'm disappointed 21 years ended like this. I'm upset that our children, who deserve more then this, will now have to divide their time between two houses and divide up their holidays. I'm upset that you won't get help with your anxiety, which I believe is leading you to feel this way. I love you. I will miss you. I wish you the happiness you don't think you will ever find with me.
Here goes nothing...
W I am upset that you did more sexually for a complete stranger who just happens to be your sisters married cousin. And then bragged about it as if the whole event was worthy of some kind of badge of honor. You treat this clown as some Savior. And this guy didn't even do as much as buy you a drink at the bar. While I waited almost two years to have sex with you. And did all the right things to court you. But you let a serial cheater have sex with you in the span of two days on a boat. Thanks for being a poster child for regretting being a nice guy who simply wanted to do right by you. And proving that an [censored] gets awarded in this world.
XW,
D told me yesterday that (girl at school) told her that I was not actually her father. Then she changed her mind and said it was (boy at school). She finally said she didn't want to tell me who said it, because it hurt. I can only conclude that it was you.
You're using our little girl as a weapon. That's not love. Can't you see the damage you're doing? You're trying to be our daughter's primary residential parent, and she doesn't even have a bed at your house. She told me it was "put up" and that she never sleeps there. She says you don't have running water. What the [censored] is wrong with you?
I hear you in the mornings on the way to school. I hear you make her feel guilty about not saying "I love you." I hear you make her try to carry the conversation (she's SIX!) and get angry with her when she doesn't or can't. I hear you make her feel guilty when she doesn't want to talk.
Go [censored] yourself! She's not a toy. You don't play with her and then put her back on the shelf when you're done. She doesn't exist to validate your feelings. She's a person! She hurts! She misses her mother, she misses her family, she misses her old life. You don't seem to give a damn about her feelings. You don't seem to give a damn about anything.
I want to hate your guts. I refuse to allow myself to do that. She doesn't need her father to hate her mother. She doesn't need to see that behavior modeled. She needs love. And affection. And attention. And security. And joy. Why the hell don't you try giving her that for once.
[censored] you.
I love this, great idea! I think it's cathartic to do these exercises, even for someone whose long since moved past D. Here's mine:
W, well it's been over 5 years now and to be honest I'm still confused about what happened. I was committed to you, the kids and the M for life and I know in my heart you felt the same up until the last year or two. You never told me what changed, maybe you don't know yourself. Sometimes you have to do what your heart tells you even if your mind says otherwise.
I know you've seen me change a lot since BD, I've become more of a free spirit- riding my motorcycles, pumping iron, getting all the ink work, dating someone half my age. But deep inside it's still me, that same young guy whose leather jacket you snuck into a hiding spot in your closet so he would have a reason to come see you again, the kid who talked you into playing hookie from work for the first time in your life so you could cuddle in bed with him a few more hours, the young man who stood on top of a light house with you and took your hand in his and said "let's get married" much to your surprise, the middle-aged man who stood with tears in his eyes as he watched his first child being born, the aging man who sat next to you with tears again watching that same baby walk across the stage with her college degree in her hand. So many wonderful, amazing moments together, both remembered and forgotten.
I saw myself living out my remaining years with you, in sickness and in health. But life had other plans, and even though I am happy and living a full life, I will always carry that loss and sadness in my heart too. I hope you look back on our time together with the same sense of warmth and love that I do. And I truly hope your future is filled with joy and happiness.
Stop AS your making me cry at work
AS,
Wow, that was powerful. The whole post, was done with love. There was no hate or resentment. You are a gift from above.
AnotherStander,
Got me holding back tears. I feel that years down the line I too might be able to write such a letter to my own W. Perhaps I will have young 20 something on my arm at the time. 😀
I am so glad that people are using this thread to vent or say the things you want to say to your WS. I know many of the posts might be angry words and that's OK. That is why it's good to post them here and not say it or write it to our WS. It is also nice to read some of the loving and forgiving posts as well. Keep it up and don't be afraid to let loose.
Dear w,
How are you enjoying your weekend away with om2?
Kids and I are great here at home, enjoying family activities without you.
All your friends say hi.
Gordie