My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together 10. Everything has been near perfect up until I made the biggest mistake of my life, this summer I went on vacation with a group of my girlfriends and met someone interesting. Sure enough I slept with the guy more than once while away.
And kept in touch even after coming home.
My Husband discovered some very intimate emails between me and the other guy very detailed.
My affair lasted for about 2 months emotional affair lasted for about two months before my husband found out and he is now dead set on divorce.
He has told multiple people in his family about what I’ve done, and announced via social media that he is indeed single.
At the time he is currently still living at home but has moved to the basement.
I have been miserable since everything has happened because other than a little excitement this other guy served no purpose in my life.
I’ve tried to express this to my spouse but because of the things he’s seen in the emails/ texts he doubts everything I tell him when I say it was nothing more than a fling and questions rather or not I was preparing to leave him for the OM.
He is now flirting with multiple women and is telling them he will be divorced soon and I know for a fact he has slept with another woman due to my own snooping.
Once I presented him with this he calmly stated none of this would be happening if I didn’t do what I did and he doesn’t feel bad because there is nothing between us and he is technically free so he can see and date whoever he pleases.
For the past 6 weeks all we have done was argue day in and day out me beg and plead daily etc. after discovering this site and rules a few days ago we had our first rational day in this house no arguing and he says I must have finally come to terms that its over, but I haven’t I so desperately want him back.
We have had sex twice this week since the arguing stopped the first night he left our/my bedroom and went back to the basement the second time he slept with me the whole night but told me to not confuse this with anything other than sex.
I can really use some advice, support anything.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Consider this your homework.
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
bluthre,
Most of us are the left behind spouses, but someone who can be very helpful in your situation is Sandi. You can search for Sandi's old stuff (when she was trying to repair her marriage) in the archives. If you shout SANDI very loudly, she may stop by and post on your thread. She often makes an appearance in the morning.
bluthre,
Sorry that you find yourself in this situation. You'll find a great support system here. Just keep posting.
Can you tell us more about your marriage situation? Let us know what your stats are also, age, kids, years married, etc. In your emails to the other guy, did you ever talk bad about your husband or marriage?
my husband is 28 and I'm 27, we have one son (6)
together 10 married 5
never talked bad about my husband but did tell the guy I was single and wasn't involved with anyone other than dating. I did that because I didn't feel the other guy needed the truth I never expected him to be anything other than a fling and there for some emotional attention.
For the past 6 weeks all we have done was argue day in and day out me beg and plead daily etc. after discovering this site and rules a few days ago we had our first rational day in this house no arguing and he says I must have finally come to terms that its over, but I haven’t I so desperately want him back.
Glad that you have stopped begging and pleading.
Arguing is not a good idea either.
Better to close mouth and walk into another room.
Sorry to say the only way that you may get him back is to LET GO.
SANDI'S RULES ARE AMAZING SO FAR 4 DAYS NO ARGUMENTS.
on another note he has went back to sleeping in the basement so no sexual contact ... but he called my phone for the first time today while out getting food and asked if I wanted something, now I don't want to get my hopes up high but that seems to be a big accomplishment for me.
You both have some major issues to resolve IMHO.
You need to clean up your side of the street, and of course so will he.
What has led to all this cheating on both sides of this?
Yes I understand he is blaming you but I take that with a grain of salt.
I know for a fact he wasn't talking to any other women before this occurred, granted he is a very nice looking guy we always had open communication and solid trust. no phone passwords and I had access to all social media accounts etc... this was all brought on by my foolishness and to be honest other than wanting a little more attention I had no reason for doing what I was doing. it was the thrill of the new dating phase which I haven't had in years of course.
So what's to stop you from doing it again?
trust me I only need to be scared straight once. I have never been so stupid and don't see myself ever going this low again.
Being scared of the rules might keep you from breaking them, yes.
What if you did some self discovery and instead of being scared of them, embraced the rules, and wanted to follow them, no longer being scared?
I'm not insinuating that you'll go back to the dark place you were, but consider the fresh opportunity to discover the why's of your life, and what makes bluthre tick. A 100% bluthre would probably knock your spouses's socks off. Are you at 100%?
Fear is not enough of a guarantee. Its why your H doesn't want to get back together. Deep down he's afraid. It will take time for you to reestablish that trust again. Have you figured out fully what need caused you to look elsewhere? I mean really looked. Only reason why I ask is because there are spouses who have done exactly as you have only to do it agai. Not condemning you but just being honest. I applaud you for your strength and courage to try and make things right.
my honest beliefs were things just became stale we both worked different shifts me working 1st and him 3rd at work. I did bring it up to him multiple times that I wanted more time for us to do things together and complained about not "going on dates" " being romantic" etc and he says he was taking what I said into consideration but things never changed or I just didn't give it enough time to change. when I "bumped" into this other person its not like I was actively looking for someone to have an emotional affair with it just happened and I admit I did enjoy the "wooing" as id call it romantic gestures sweat words etc. he was there for conversation when my spouse was sleeping from work or late at night when I was home alone in bed... yes I could've read a book found a hobby anything but cheat but instead I did what I did knowing it was wrong. since this separation my husband has indeed started a first shift job and so we're off at the same time and his response was that he was indeed working on it all I had to do was wait and give him time
and it makes me feel even worse.
its very obvious that we are both indeed still in love
i feel as though the major roadblocks are that his whole family pretty much knows about it.
he is ignoring his emotions by talking to other females to "get over me"
and that as he say constantly rereads the emails/ texts between me and the other guy. seeing txts about us saying "i love yous, sexual encounters etc i feel is causing more harm and he refuses to get any professional help. he says its over for good to much damage and hurt has been caused and he can never forgive me he's staying and being amicable for our sons sake and he still plans to move out.
"its very obvious that we are both indeed still in love"
What makes you think that? it doesn't sound like it. He was really hurt by the betrayal. It's going to take time. ALOT of time and patience.
so any advice from anyone on what I can do to salvage my situation ?
The emotions he has are still pretty raw as this didn't happen too long ago. You said that "its very obvious that we are both indeed still in love". How is he showing that?
patience and time....
just my two cents
I don't believe you can fall out of love just like that since the arguing has stopped I can see him struggling to be intimate with me he has laid on my lap while watching a movie and we've cuddled a few nights haven't actually said I love you but I have a few indicators.
I don't believe you can fall out of love just like that since the arguing has stopped I can see him struggling to be intimate with me he has laid on my lap while watching a movie and we've cuddled a few nights haven't actually said I love you but I have a few indicators.
One of the things I have learned here is
Love is a CHOICE.
I can believe that because he isn't in this " in love" mood all the time and I figured when he's not showing it he is thinking of the affair! but makes me walk on eggshells, I never know when he'll spaz out
I think patience, time, genuine remorse and consistency are the key here. Your M has suffered a big trauma and the very foundations of trust on which every M is built have been severely shaken. For now, I would be grateful that he is still there and he seems willing to give your M a further chance.
If by 'spaz out' you mean him getting angry and feeling upset about what happened, my guess would be that may happen for some time. Looking back at my life, I see two of the most painful events - the death of my brother and my XH's infidelity. So, it is on that scale I'm afraid. It is possible to rebuild things, but it does take time and effort. That's not to say that you should tolerate any unreasonable behaviour, but it is important to accept that he may ruminate on things and want to discuss them, long after you are heartily sick of hearing about it and want to close the door on the whole sorry episode.
You may want to do some reading yourself and understand more about what got you to a place where you chose to be unfaithful. What were the pre-existing conditions in your M that contributed? How do you maintain boundaries with members of the opposite
gender? What is okay & what crosses a line for you? How did that line become crossed?
You and your H may find it helpful to read After the Affair - it's pretty detailed and insightful when it comes to infidelity and there is much helpful information for the spouse who strayed and the betrayed spouse.
Do keep posting. Many of us here have spouses who were unfaithful and can provide insight. I'll also post a shout out to Sandi, who is a much loved poster on the forum and years ago had an A and their M was restored.
Take care
Oops sorry - there's a wayward smiley up there
Thank you! Sotto after doing some reading here I do see that I'll need to prepared to talk about it again and again it just grosses me out having to publicly talk about my encounter with the other guy but i'm beginning to understand its part of his healing in the beginning I thought he was just torturing making me talk about it. with the other guy he is from a different culture so I feel that's what had me learning new things accent etc something completely different from when i'm home it was all "new" and I was suckered in.
Bluethre,
Never thought I'd be giving advice to a WS and yet here I am. I would think being humble and remorseful are the main things you need to focus on. There are books on "how to help your spouse heal from your affair." I recommend you find those on Amazon and read them. Its not ok that your H has also gone out and slept with OW during this. Clearly, he is acting out and trying to take revenge. That's not ok but I think you understand why he did. He's angry and hurt and he feels the M is over so he thought he can do whatever he wants.
Knowing that your S has been with another person is about the most devastating thing that can be known to a S. It hurts to the core of our being. It will forever leave a whole in our souls.
We can recover from it. We can go on to have a better R than we had before. But we can also choose not to.
It sounds like your A has ended and will not continue. But trust has been broken and that will take time to recover. Both of you will need to work on rebuilding trust in each other.
I would encourage you, like others have, to really dig deep and find out why you thought this was OK. What was missing in your M? What made your M vulnerable to an A? It still doesn't excuse your decision to have an A but there are things that made your M vulnerable to it. Find those things and work on them.
thank you and I do feel as though he is lashing out asked him why is he talking to other women? is he looking to start a new relationship etc, he says no he's not looking for anything serious and they know that so I think he's doing it to hurt me! yes the affair has ended and no contact is being made with the other person but my husband doesn't believe me ive written down all my social media account passwords phone password etc and told him he can check anything when he'd like but he still refuses to believe that ive stopped talking to the other guy or he will go on to say that im talking to someone else that's closer to home since this guy is 1000 miles away.
It might not all be about hurting you. You tore a hole in his heart. He might be acting this way (OW) to bury the pain to get over you.
He wont be rational at this time, i know i wasnt no matter how hard i tried to be. My core being was shattered when it happened to me.
Some professional help to process his feelings would be beneficial to him. Problem is it cant come from you, hes likely to dismiss what you say at this time.
"I don't believe you can fall out of love just like that since the arguing has stopped I can see him struggling to be intimate with me he has laid on my lap while watching a movie and we've cuddled a few nights haven't actually said I love you but I have a few indicators."
Mind reading on your part. I don't think you notice how much you talk about YOUR feelings in comparison to his. For example, you imply that you think he asks for details too much and makes YOU feel "gross", without REALLY understanding how much he needs to do that. You say you do, but you don't understand the pain of being betrayed like many of us have.
"is he looking to start a new relationship etc, he says no he's not looking for anything serious and they know that so I think he's doing it to hurt me!"
See again you're mindreading and thinking in terms of yourself. He could very well be looking at other women because they haven't hurt him the way you had. He needs something to heal that hurt. Not everything he does is done to affect you. That sounds like more of your ego talking. You don't know.
Wow thank you for the self reflection and that's very true @mr.bond. ...
Well since my last updat everything has turned back sour.
He admitted last night that we have been getting to comfortable and that the sex and intimate contact needs to cease for good as its only giving me false hope and even though I haven't said it he knows my actions 😩 So at this time we're in our separate spaces and he says he plans to be out by the beginning of the new yr.
Your commitment, desire, and love for your husband is being tested now. Everything you do from this point forward either sends the message that you are in or you are out.
I'm not a believer in having to be someone's doormat just because you made a horrible mistake.
But I am a believer that true commitment and true love will endure ANYTHING to show how real it is.
There will be setbacks. Plan for them.
Stay consistent in who you are and the message you are sending. But that doesn't mean you become his whipping boy.
Tough road in front of you.
Question is how badly do you really want it.
Blessings,
Bill
Hi, and welcome! It's great that you are here, I am so sorry for your predicament.
I agree that he is using the other women to dull his pain.
Having been cheated on in a big way by my husband, this is what I would have wanted my WH to say:
"I understand that I have hurt you more than I can fathom. I am so, so, sorry. I have destroyed so much with these selfish and thoughtless actions, and I can only hope that you will give me an opportunity to repair some of the damage I have caused, if nothing else for our child and family."
"I will go to counseling to get help to find out how I could do such a thing. I understand if you need time to yourself to figure out what you want. If you have any questions, I will answer them openly, as many times as you need. Maybe I don't have all the answers myself, but I will be completely transparent and open."
In short, let him know you regret, feel remorse and empathy, that you want to save your marriage, but won't try to 'manage' the way he gets through this.
And then expect that this may take several years. It sounds like a lot, but you'll surprised at how quickly time passes.
thank you~
several years sounds like forever at the moment but I am fully committed to making it work.
yesterday got me to thinking about the holidays that are around the corner and my husbands birthday... should I plan to spend them alone or bring it up to him and see if he's thought about them. traditionally thanksgiving is spent at his families and we have Christmas at our house. and what about his birthday should I just buy him a gift or make plans to celebrate with him, he's mentioned not having plans and I don't know if that was a clue for me to plan something
lost
my honest beliefs were things just became stale we both worked different shifts me working 1st and him 3rd at work. I did bring it up to him multiple times that
I wanted more time for us to do things together and complained about not "going on dates" " being romantic" etc and he says he was taking what I said into consideration but things never changed or I just didn't give it enough time to change. when I "bumped" into this other person its not like I was actively looking for someone to have an emotional affair with it just happened and
I admit I did enjoy the "wooing" as id call it romantic gestures sweat words etc. he was there for conversation when my spouse was sleeping from work or late at night when I was home alone in bed... yes I could've read a book found a hobby anything but cheat but instead I did what I did knowing it was wrong. since this separation my husband has indeed started a first shift job and so we're off at the same time and his response was that he was indeed working on it all I had to do was wait and give him time
and it makes me feel even worse.
Have you read the book on the 5 Love Languages?
Judging from your comments, I wonder if quality time and/or Words of Affirmation may be your primary LLs. I wonder which are your husbands? Id check this book out if you havent.
update for the new year I count anything as a blessing. still in house separated he is back sleeping in the bedroom (due to basement being too cold for the winter. he has let me know that he plans to move out at the end of the month. I've being doing a lot of work on my self to help get my mind stronger through all of this. as much as I wish he'd stay home its really unhealthy. he says as long as he is here he's is reminded of the affair every time he looks at me and admitted that he needs time away from me but is still sticking to the big D word. he wants to move out and begin his new life on the other end I'm still hoping and wishing for some forgiveness.
As someone who was cheated on and B dropped. His anger and pain is probably driving alot of what he is doing or saying.
You have done all you can, he needs to find his way to heal.
Sounds cliche but maybe once both of you are at a better place you will find each other again.