I figured I need to start a new thread with a different title as the other title seems a bit harsh now. Think this is my 4th thread here.
The last page to my most recent thread. Reader’s Digest – Married for 32 years and had a great marriage until W put us in deep debt. I got angry and couldn’t get over it and held a lot of resentment towards my wife for years until she couldn’t take it anymore and walked out. It opened my eyes how badly I was treating her and I realized how deeply I was in love with her and like most LBS I vowed to change myself for the better. About a month ago we had a spousal support hearing and I got slammed by the judge. My W used a lot of my DB techniques against me in her affidavit. I highly doubt the judge used any for her judgement. I was emotionally crushed by what my W did but after talking with her I understood she was following her attorney’s instructions. I have forgiven my wife.
Basically my W and I are in a kind of friendship limbo. I had my last of 6 DB coaching sessions Saturday and my coach said I was doing all the right things. As I’ve mentioned numerous times we now talk frequently (3-4 times a week) for hours at a time. My coach did tell me I had to be prepared for a sudden 180 from my W as her emotions will probably change and her thoughts get conflicted. She may become angry and lash out. My coach told me not to question her change of emotions, such as me asking her why she is so angry and asking what I did wrong to upset her. I had to promise my coach I wouldn’t do that. I know it’s easier said than done. Right now we have a good thing going communication-wise so if/when she changes her tune I am prepared.
There is still no talk of R. My coach said not to broach the subject unless my W brings it up, which I plan to do. I don’t want to scare my W off. I guess a journey of a 1000 miles starts with 1 step.
My W did finally walk through the house a week or so ago to see all the work I’ve done getting it ready to sell. It was the first time since the BD date she had been in the house. That is nearly 5 months ago. She told me repeatedly I have done a good job and it was obvious I had put in a lot of work getting the house ready.
My neighbor who was more friends with my W than me talked with me yesterday. Originally we discussed the approaching hurricane as everyone is panicking around here. But eventually we started talking about my W and me. My neighbor is really hoping we get back together. She has told my W I am remorseful and although I’m living my life as normal as possible she can tell I have some sadness in my life. My neighbor did ask me if it was okay for me to say stuff like that and I told her it was fine as long as she let my W know I have no part of what she is telling my W. She assured me she has told my W I am not asking her to say those things and I don’t have any knowledge of her doing so. My neighbor did say my W has noticed the changes in me but she is so afraid to trust me. I replied I don’t blame her. If I was in her shoes I would be the same way. I would find it incredible hard to trust someone in such a short time considering it was years in the making for her to make the decision to leave me.
Wow ... it seems now you're taking all the responsibility for the divorce. It's kind of a ... 180! What exactly made you change your views?
ForGump, I changed my views after my first meaningful conversation with my W after 2 months of nearly complete darkness. I had been DB'ing and trying to detach as best I could and I had already had a DB coach session so I was on a better path to repair myself. During the 3 hours I was on the phone with my W I really discovered just how much pain I had caused her.
In so many ways I associated what she did with our finances with her having an A. It wasn't the same thing, of course, but I did feel betrayed. Sadly, I wanted to hurt her by being cold and condescending towards her, but after learning of the pain I caused her I feel ashamed. My W is a good woman who almost always put me first and the fog of my anger prevented me from seeing it until after she walked out.
The destruction of my M took years to accomplish so I keep telling myself it will take a long time to gain her trust again.
I can say with certainty I will never treat my W the way I treated her the last few years.
Wow RDS, you sound in a much healthier place since I last saw your thread. Good for you! I can feel the genuine peace coming through your posts!
Wow.
I wish you the best.
Keep us posted.
Thanks Cherry and ForGump for positive feedback. As you know it does help.
Five months ago today was my BD day. My daughter and I returned from TX after she got her Master’s degree and we walked into a house where a lot of my marital belongings were removed as my W walked out on me. Maybe it’s fitting Hurricane Matthew swung by today to grace us.
I’m sitting in an empty house. I have no power as the hurricane knocked power out for most in the region. It’s an eerie calm and the quiet is only barely interrupted by the faint hum of a generator in the distance. The quiet makes this house even more empty and lonely. It’s also dark with only the dim glow of a candle and my computer screen lighting up the room.
Since my W left me so many things have changed and in numerous ways time has stood still. I still find it hard believing it’s only been five months. It seems much longer. I’m so thankful I live in a state that in many ways is backwards but the laws are still steered towards keeping a marriage together as you have to be separated for a year before a divorce can happen. I used to think the law was stupid making couples wait a year to get divorced. I figured if one spouse wanted a divorce then there was nothing the state could do to prevent that. Of course, I never thought I would be the one thankful for the year. I read almost all the posts on this message board and I’m shocked at how quickly divorce can happen. It’s as if the law has deemed trying to reconcile a waste of time. One spouse isn’t happy, file for divorce, and bam, you’re divorced. My W may still divorce me even after the year but at least I know I will have some time on my side to at least try.
I also wonder what an “amicable” divorce really means. How often when you hear people getting divorced is it really amicable? I’m sure if my W and I do get a divorce it will be considered amicable because I don’t think there will be any viciousness involved, but IMO, the divorce won’t be harmonious.
Didn’t mean to ramble. I guess when the house is dark thoughts creep into your head. My W did call. We only spoke a few minutes. She has a downed power line across her car so she is stuck where she is at unless one of her friends come by and pick her up. I do feel bad for her, but part of me thinks it’s funny.
Well, it’s time to put my grill out and start cooking some stuff that is thawing in the freezer. I will be cooking by flashlight.
RDS-- at this point... now that you've owned up to so much ... what keeps your W from even wanting to try to talk to you about the R? Could you please summarize...
RDS-- at this point... now that you've owned up to so much ... what keeps your W from even wanting to try to talk to you about the R? Could you please summarize...
If I had to guess why she hasn't wanted to talk about the R is:
Fear-Trust-Enjoying single life.
Fear and trust go hand in hand. I'm thinking she is scared to even think about getting back with me because it had taken years for her to finally break down. She knows me better than anyone and I don't think she thinks she can trust me because in her eyes I've only been the "good" guy for a few months. I was the bad guy for years. I can honestly say I truly believe I can stay being the better man I've become than what I was. I look at life through a whole new way and I'm seeing my W in a positive way I don't think I've seen...since forever.
I also have to think she may be enjoying the single life. She isn't dating or anything like that, but for the first time in her life she if on her own. We started living together when she was 18 and we married when she was 19. She moved from her parents to me. She has never really been on her own. Even when I frequently deployed or was stationed in Korea a year she still had our daughter to care for so she couldn't do as she pleased. Now she can do pretty much what she wants and with me paying her a large sum monthly it makes it even better for her.
I know she still loves me because she does things for me that a normal WAW wouldn't do (AFAIK), but I don't know if it's still ILYBNILWY.
It's funny, but the day before my W left me if anyone asked me about my feelings towards my W I would probably say ILYBNILWY about her. Now I've done a complete 180 towards her. I realize I love her deeply and I can't imagine thinking otherwise.
I had a dream about my W and I last night. She is 5'2" and I'm 6'. We were dancing and I kissed the top of her head and I looked at her deeply and I said, "ILY". She looked at me with scorn, slapped me, told me to NEVER say that to her again, and stormed off the dance floor never to be seen again. I chased after her but once off the dance floor there was nothing but empty space.
It's just a dream and probably has no meaning, but that was one dream I didn't want to go back to sleep and get back into it.
I kept thinking of that dream all day.
I got an offer on the house today. The house was on the market for 10 days so for an offer to come in so quickly is really good; especially when you consider Hurricane Matthew put a stop on everything for nearly a week. It’s a very good proposal and I discussed it with my W and we are going to sign the contract to sell the house. It’s extremely bittersweet. We built this house as our dream house and for the first 9 years it was perfect for us, but the last 5 years it wasn’t a pleasant place to live. Now it has so many bad memories for my W she doesn’t want to step foot in the house.
I don’t know if it’s ironic or just coincidence, but the couple who put in the offer are from the same small South Georgia town where my W and I first moved in together and later married in. The buyer is in the Air Force so he was stationed the same place I was. It was only 30+ years difference.
Our love back then for each other seemed to be bullet-proof. I really wish I could turn back time and be the person I am now because our marriage would still be bullet-proof.
I did annoy my W today because I told her we would have to put the money for the house sale into the bank and let it sit until we go to mediation to determine the split. She said there was no need to mediate the money because we should split the money 50/50. I told her I am not going to split it directly in half because when she moved out I continued paying the mortgage and I expect to get the difference in equity I’ve put in the house. I could tell she didn’t like that reasoning at all. Although I want to get back together in the worst way I have to keep reminding myself I can’t be the nice guy in this and ultimately screw myself.
She will be coming by the house tomorrow after I finish with one of my meetup groups to price our stuff we are going to be selling in the community yard sale for this Saturday. The neighborhood yard sale was supposed to be last Saturday but the hurricane prevented that from happening. I’m not sure how I feel about her coming by tomorrow night for a couple of hours. I thought I would be a happy about it but I know I will have a lot of sadness when she leaves the house. I always do. She will spend a few extra hours Saturday at the house while the yard sale is going on. I am curious to see how we interact towards each other for that long of a time. We shall see.
Just putting words to “paper” today.
Yesterday was a fun day with the W. My subdivision had a neighborhood-wide yard sale. After living in this house for 14+ years and being married for over 32 years we have accumulated a lot of stuff. Since we are selling the house and I am forced to downsize so having the yard sale was a good way to get rid of the excess stuff. She was supposed to meet me at our house at 0430, but she overslept. She accidently turned off her alarm instead of hitting the snooze button. She wasn’t used to sleeping that late because I took her(our) dog for the night so my W wouldn’t’ have to worry about taking care of the dog so early in the morning.
My DB coach had me make a type of graph where I listed situations between my W and I. One column has a situation that would cause a reaction from me, the next column had the way I used to act in the situation, the third column was how I instead reacted, and the last column was how she received my actions. Before I would have been annoyed (to put it very mildly), but yesterday I didn’t think much about it at all. Her old reaction would have been to lash out or remain silent if I mentioned her tardiness. This time she apologized.
This is the second or third time my W has been late for meetings with me and each time I wasn’t bothered by it at all. I’m a time-conscious guy. I hate being late for anything. I don’t think my W is testing me and everything she has been late for was not important, but it is a step forward for me. The few times where we had to be somewhere on time she has been there. She did apologize profusely. I kept telling her I wasn’t worried about it and the important thing is we were still early enough to get our stuff outside. She also told me she wanted to wake up earlier because she wanted to make a couple of my favorite things like her potato salad and chicken salad. I joked with her to turn around and go back to her place and make the stuff for me as that was more important than selling our old stuff. She had a good laugh about that.
I live in a town that has a large flea market that is open on the weekends. There are flea-market people who scour media to find where large yard sales are and they attack them. The yard sale was supposed to start at 0700, but my W and I knew those people would be out in force before then. We were still pulling stuff out of the garage when they started showing up at 630. We had 4 groups of people with large trucks going over our stuff and we were wheeling and dealing. By 0730 most of what we were selling was gone. Our neighbors were barely getting their stuff out of the house so they missed the professional scavengers. The next couple of hours were people who were picking up an item or two. Towards the end we were practically giving the stuff away.
We accomplished our main goal of getting rid of stuff and we made some nice money.
During the 6 hours we were together we had lots of fun. She made me my favorite breakfast and made me coffee multiple times during the morning. She kept telling me how appreciative she was for what I was doing. I told her we were both doing this as a team effort. The one thing that make me a little sad is the money we made I could use to pay the our car insurance, but since we have to split the money 50/50 (even though the big majority was my stuff sold) I still have to come up with more money to pay the bill. I tell myself it's money I didn't have before so I have to be thankful for that.
A couple of times she did call me sweetie which she hasn’t done in a long time. I don’t know if it was intentional or what. I didn’t comment on it. I just took it as she felt comfortable enough to say that to me. She was never one to say things like “darling/honey/baby, etc.” I still call her terms of endearment all the time, sometimes I don't notice it and other times I do. She has never told me to stop. Before she left she gave me a big hug and told me I still smell nice. I’ve been putting cologne spray on me after each shower. She always liked it but I was never into putting it on me. I’m kind of starting to like it.
She is supposed to be coming by again today to pick up a couple of things we didn’t sell that she still wants to keep. She will be bringing her BFF so I don’t expect her to stay too long.
I just happened upon your threads and since I'm having a lazy day here (after a busy several weeks) read through much of it. I'm rather surprised that no one else has responded here recently and that you've not posted an update in over a week. I could always be wrong but if you are portraying things with your waw accurately here I think you have a real shot at R. I really do! Now don't get all excited and blow it. You have to keep doing more of the same as you've clearly found something that is working in your actions. You guys are talking for hours, she is giving you little gifts, referring to you as Sweetie, telling you how good you smell whiling giving you meaningful hugs - how many posts here have these things in them? This is not a woman who has given up - it's just not. As she told your neighbor, she is just cautious. She wants to be sure the new you is for real. You can't backslide here. You also can't push and thereby spook her. You have to let this continue to evolve on its own. If it continues and so long as an OM doesn't come along and screw it up, I really think you have a shot. I strongly believe she will use all,or most if the mandated year in your state. She has nothing to lose. She will continue to watch, wait and see. As the year comes up I really think if you are where you are right now, she will give you a second chance.
It's just my gut take on it all. Who knows if I'm right or not, but I really see positives here. Keep doing what you are doing!
DonH,
Thanks for replying and for the words of encouragement. Of course I'm hoping to get back with my W, but I'm getting along far enough to see if we never get back together I *think* I will be okay. I'm definitely in a much better place than I was the first three months after BD day. Back then, like most here, I was in a deep funk trying to figure out what I was going to do from one moment to the next.
A couple of weeks ago I was following your thread. I had lost track because I forgot your thread wasn't in the newcomer's thread. I found your thread incredibly interesting concerning your life after 10 years post-divorce. You're tale is one that concerns me as far as finding the next "someone". I don't need to share my life with someone as I'm happy being by myself, but I won't kid myself saying my life wouldn't be enriched by sharing my life with someone special.
I know it will take some time to find that someone special because I know every woman I meet will be compared to my W. Currently my W brings a lot to the table, even with her faults, so it's a high bar the woman would have to clear. But that's for another time in the future.
Nothing much to report with me but then again, there is lots to report.
The contract to get my house sold is signed and the repairs to be made have been agreed upon. The repairs are minor except for some minor wind damage. I hired a roofing company to fix the roof which they have already done. The other repairs I can do myself. The closing date of 14 November looks like it’s still going to be the date. Every day that passes is one less day I feel attached to this house. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t have some sadness, because there are times when it does hit me, but I’m really looking at the positives of moving out of the house.
I’ve already found an apartment to live in. I am really happy about the place I found. It’s in a great location, it’s closer to where I work, and the traffic to get there will save me about 30 minutes of commute time in the morning. The amenities the complex has are exactly what I’m looking for too. Best of all, my apartment is on the corner of the building and I don’t have anyone living above me so I have vaulted ceilings and a real wood fireplace. Winters are really mild here so I don’t need to have a fireplace but one of my favorite things to do is sit by a fire with an open beer listening to some great music. That’s one of the things I was going to miss when I moved out of my house.
As has been the last couple of months the conversations with my W are still friendly and non-threatening. There is still no talk of R. One step at a time is my continuing motto.
I did ask my W if she wanted to go to a ghost tour downtown or to the fair. She was surprised I asked her because we rarely did anything alone together the last years of our marriage. When we did go out it was usually with other people. She said she would prefer going to the fair and I can tell she seems happy about it. It’s been about 15 years since we went to the fair together and we used to try to ride all the rides but this time we are just going to walk around and eat all the bad (but delicious) fair food. We are going next week and I'm looking forward to it. I guess that is a kind of an 180 because as I got older I avoided the fair like the plague. The traffic is horrendous and for the 10 days it made my commute a nightmare because where I live the two main routes where most of the fair traffic comes is the same route I use to get home from work. I'm not going to let it bother me this year.
This morning I was getting rid of a lot of stuff today to take to the county recycling center later this week. I can’t believe how many wine glasses, cocktail tumblers, and shot glasses we had (among other things). I guess when you have as much storage space as we did it and the amount of entertainment we used to do there was bound to be a glut of stuff like that. I am disposing about 95% of the glass things and keeping the bare minimum.
After a few hours of cleaning out my kitchen cabinets and some items in the attic, I decided I needed to go for a quick run. I have not done any running since I sold my treadmill. I was one of the few people on the planet who enjoyed running on a treadmill. I didn’t think it was boring. Sadly, I’ve been gaining weight the last couple of months and I’m beginning to get disgusted by what I’m becoming.
Anyway, as I was leaving I noticed my W had come by and dropped off another care package for me. It was by the front door. I had been going in and out of the house through the garage so I didn’t notice the package until I went for my run. I immediately called my W to thank her for the items. I am touched when she does these things for me. When we were together she did these things for me all the time and I rarely acknowledged it because it was something she did and I had become accustomed to it, and in later years I was angry at her (and the world) to let her know I appreciated what she did for me. I am no longer taking what she does for me for granted.
I asked her when she dropped the stuff off. She replied she did it at 4 AM this morning. She is an early riser, even on weekends, but even for her 4 AM is early. I asked why she did it so early in the morning and she said her(our) dog woke her up and she couldn’t go back to sleep because she has so much on her mind lately. She said she hasn’t been able to think straight the last couple of weeks. I didn’t press her but I asked her if her problems were with her job or her family/friends. She said it wasn’t her job or her friends. She said there was so much stuff going through her mind. It was almost as if she was probing me to go deeper into her thoughts. I didn’t press more because I didn’t want her emotional door to shut, but the inside of me wanted to keep digging to see what it was. In my mind, I must think she is thinking about us and our future and maybe she is getting conflicted. From what I’ve read and what my DB coach has said this would happen. I should ride out the string of emotions she might come up with and validate and much as possible if she lashes out.
I get the feeling she is not as happy with my new place I’m moving to as I am because I’m moving further away from her. She did comment she wouldn’t be able to drop off care packages like she has been doing, but in the same breath she did say she is going to help me move to make it easier on me.
I don’t understand this woman. Why is she being so caring towards me? I keep thinking to myself if the shoe was on the other foot would I want to be as nice and accommodating as she is towards me? I run it through my mind if I left her and told her ILYBNILWY I would probably want to run and stay away as much as possible. I am so afraid I am being played by her.
One good thing about our conversation is I walked over 5 miles through the neighborhood while talking to her. I planned to run 2 miles but when I called her I just walked my route. My legs are lead right now. It proves to me how bad out of shape I’ve become. I used to run the 5 miles easily and now just walking as worn me out. I did tell her our conversation was better than listening to music. She thought that was funny.
Had a "date" with my W last night. We went to the fair. We had a blast. We ate some junk food and walked around looking at the exhibits and people watched. I had her laughing and she had me laughing. We didn't hold hands or anything like that. Of course, no ILY between us.
Still no talk of R. I have got to let her bring it up. I try to stop myself from asking why did I let my M get so bad? Because the woman I was with last night was the woman that hadn't really changed all that much and was the one I loved for years but I stopped seeing it.
We hugged each other when we got to the house. She then left to go to her place. She texted me about an hour later thanking me for taking her to the fair and said she had fun.
I dunno, dude. I think she is wanting you to make a move.
I get the GAL procedure, but in this case maybe she is wondering where YOU stand. Not sure why you have to let her bring it up, she may want reconciliation as much as you do but SHE may be afraid to bring it up?
I will post later, but the last couple of days after the awesome fair "date" have not been good at all. I almost feel like I'm back to square 1. I haven't been this despondent since the temporary spousal support court appearance.
I've made a few mistakes but I think the mistakes I made were unavoidable. I have to get my mind wrapped around what I have to do going forward.
I did lose track of my DB practices. I will say that.
It’s been over 2 months since I last posted and I just went over my 8 month BD date. A lot has happened since I last posted.
As I posted in November we had a date at the local fair and we had a great time. It was the next day when things went sour between us and I realized then about the most I can expect out of our R is a good friendship. The day after the fair date I finally got the official temporary spousal support and it was worse than I thought. I won’t rehash it but it was mainly the amount of taxes I’m required to pay on things. I called my wife to discuss it and she could not see my side of the argument. She even screamed at me to quit yelling at her and one of the reason she left me because I always yelled at her and she was finally free of that.
I was numb on the other end of the line because the one thing I was not doing was yelling at her. I was making a concerted effort to talk to her in a calm voice and if what I was doing was being interpreted as me yelling then there is no real hope. There would be no point in trying to discuss anything we disagreed with because she will accuse me of screaming or yelling at her. Even my D said I never really raised my voice to my W because we never communicated as it was. I was condescending and spiteful towards her but it had been years since I raised my voice.
During the argument, I broke and destroyed about every DB principle. I almost crossed the line and begged her to come back. Thankfully I didn’t go that far. I did tell her I was not really interested in being her friend. I wanted us to be a loving married couple again. I told her I was working on me to be a better person and one of the reasons was because I wanted to be a better person so she could fall in love with me again. I don’t remember exactly what her reaction was. I do remember I was as despondent as I’ve been in a long time when I got off the phone.
A couple of days later we were talking again. We had sold our house (it was once our dream home) and I had an apartment leased. I had to travel out of town for 3 weeks just after I moved into the new place. My W said she would collect my mail while I was away and move my truck around the apartment complex to make it look like I was living there normally. It was an inconvenience for her as I moved 20 minutes further away from the house so I was about an hour round trip for her to do that. The day we cleaned our house and left the house for the final time she came by my apartment and made me a large pot of chili as I moved the last few things into the apartment. While I was away she commented on how nice I made the place.
Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went. The apartment complex had a Thanksgiving luncheon and my cousin invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner. I carved three turkeys that day. I guess I looked like someone who knew how to carve a turkey. Christmas I traveled to Texas to visit with my daughter. I had a great time. It was bittersweet because even in our darkest hours I still enjoyed spending Christmas with my W. My W called on Christmas day and we spoke about 15 minutes and she kept telling me how happy she was knowing my D and I were spending Christmas together and we weren’t going to be lonely. I didn’t ask if she was lonely or not. Part of me cared but a large part of me did not. I got my W a couple of nice things for Christmas (my D gently requested I do that) and my W got me one small gift and another “goody” bag of treats.
On New Year’s Day my W prepared a traditional Southern dinner of collard greens, blackeye peas w/rice, and cornbread. I almost told her I didn’t want it since the last New Year’s dinner didn’t bring me good luck (the traditional dinner is supposed to bring good luck). I kept my mouth shut and gladly accepted her food.
The biggest news is I got another job which gives me about a 25 percent pay increase. I’m going back into a stressful environment I left in 2015 but I think my mind is back into the groove now. Being away from the job position for over a year and getting away from the toxic environment of my M has hopefully cleared my mind where I can think straight again. My W doesn’t know I have the new job that pays more. All she knows is I lost my last job (I left my old job for the new job) and I am now working on a temporary basis.
Sadly, not once has she expressed any interest with helping me with the spousal support payments. If she offered to help I was going to decline and tell her I planned on paying the payments the court ordered me to do somehow, but she didn’t offer. I was not surprised. I try not to dwell on it but sometimes it creeps into my mind about how she is fully able to get a much better job where I don’t have to support her, but the way the system is set up I’m required to support her for years to come. The excitement of getting a better job is tempered by the knowledge my W will probably get a bigger slice of the pie even though when she left me I was making X amount of $$ and a few months later I get a better position paying more and the courts will decide she is still entitled to the extra money.
I must relocate to another state when my apartment lease expires. I know when that happens it will probably be the final nail in our M’s coffin. My W loves it here and she has lots of friends she won’t be willing to give up to go back to a M that is near dead anyway. Where I’ll be moving to is a place we lived at before 20 years ago. We loved it then and we were so sad when we had to move. I traveled there during the first week of my new job and visited the various places we lived and naturally it brought back many memories. The memories were of happy times which makes the present so hurtful.
It’s getting easier to think of my life as a single guy. It’s a small step but I’m finding it easier to say I’m separated and heading for a divorce. Thinking of the future where I’m not married anymore doesn’t frighten me the way it once did. I’m also not as sad. Now when I talk to my wife on the phone or see her on the rare occasions my heart doesn’t do backflips anymore. I’m starting to see her as a person I still care for but not someone who can break my heart any longer. Don’t get me wrong, if she wanted to get the M back up and running I would strongly consider it. Before if it came up I would have jumped through rings of fire to make it happen. Now I will put thought into it.
Long post, but therapeutic.
Today, it was 9 months ago when I came home to see my W of 31 years had left me. It’s now only 3 months until we can divorce in my state. I don’t plan to file for D. I don’t know what she is planning to do. We talk a lot, but never about our R or money. I’m a coward to bring that stuff up so I don’t. The status quo between us isn’t the best but at least I know what I’ve got and in my pessimistic mind it can only get worse if I bring those issues up.
So much has changed in the 9 months since the BD date. Obviously, my W and I aren’t together, but I’ve sold most of my belongings I worked years to acquire, sold our dream house, moved into an apartment, changed jobs, and soon I will be relocating to FL because of my new job. When I think of all things I’ve lost and what I’m still losing I find myself thinking hateful thoughts toward my W, but I try to quickly quench those thoughts as they do nothing but burn my heart.
My new job is fantastic. The pay and benefits are second to none. Ironically, my leaving a job 18 months ago was probably the straw my W saw as the final reason to leave me, and now I have another job where she should would be proud of me it will probably be the final force for her to D me. I will have to relocate to another state and I am sure she won’t want to leave because she has too many friends here. It’s sad to think of that because in our happier times she would not have thought twice about leaving her friends to be with me. We were a team through thick and thin. Now, I’m barely more than an afterthought.
I’m not in the constant fog I was when she left me. I can think more clearly, but I still can’t shake the thoughts of her. I think about her all the time. Even when I’m buried to my butt in work my mind still creeps to thoughts of her. I really want to live a day where she isn’t in my thoughts.
Is that possible? I know it is, but damn, the journey is hard.
Out of boredom I digitaized all the letters I wrote to my wife over the years while I was deployed, or stationed elsewhere, during my 23 years in the military. Most of the letters were years ago before email and cell phones. It was the only way to communicate back in the day when you were overseas. My W kept them all. I wish I would have kept all the letters she wrote to me. She gave the letters to me about three months after she left me. She said they hurt her too much to try to read them.
Well, I read them all after I scanned them to my computer. I enjoyed reading them and for a strange reason I felt better after reading the letters. A lot of the reading was almost a history lesson of what I was going through at that time. Most of the mundane things I wrote about I had forgotten but to read it again it brought back the memories of what was going on in our lives.
It's amazing what we went through over the years and whenever I think being married to her was a waste of my time all I have to do is reread those letters to her to know my M was never a mistake. The ending is a mistake, but not the M itself.
Well, I read them all after I scanned them to my computer. I enjoyed reading them and for a strange reason I felt better after reading the letters. A lot of the reading was almost a history lesson of what I was going through at that time. Most of the mundane things I wrote about I had forgotten but to read it again it brought back the memories of what was going on in our lives.
I did the same thing. Not bad, but if they start leading you down an unhealthy path you may want to rethink that.
I don't think it will lead me down a bad path. I seriously doubt I will read them again. I seriously mean it when I said the reason I scanned them into my computer was I was bored. I've been debating on burning the letters or keep them. It's still too soon to get rid of them, but at least if do decide to get rid of them in a moment of anger I will have a backup.
The majority of the letters were written during the year I was stationed in Korea. I wanted that year to fly as fast as possible and I mentioned it multiple times throughout the many letters. Now, I want the year to go as slowly as possible because after a year we can divorce and I do not want to do that.
I can understand that. For some reason I've kept all the ones my ex sent, too, to include her emails. I just moved them all to a little used account. Not sure why I am keeping them, though. Read through some of them yesterday afternoon as I was looking for something unrelated.
Now, I want the year to go as slowly as possible because after a year we can divorce and I do not want to do that.
I can also understand that, too. I never wanted it to happen. Oh well. It is what it is.
Korea - Army?
I have also saved all the emails/letters/texts from interactions with my W. We used to communicate throughout the day while the both of us were at work. I have years worth of emails and going back and reading them pains me sometimes. How one of us would start the conversation basically by saying; "Hi honey, how are you today" or something along the lines. These emails bring back happier days in our R, but I wonder if holding onto them is a good thing? Do we want to continue reading them and constantly remind ourselves of what our R used to be and is getting rid of them a part of "letting go"? I agree as it is also too soon for me to get rid of all our past communications, pictures, random mementos, and even our wedding pictures. All of these things my W declined to show interest in when she left so why do we hang onto them and for how long? When can we finally accept our future and let go of our past?
I have also saved all the emails/letters/texts from interactions with my W. We used to communicate throughout the day while the both of us were at work. I have years worth of emails and going back and reading them pains me sometimes. How one of us would start the conversation basically by saying; "Hi honey, how are you today" or something along the lines. These emails bring back happier days in our R, but I wonder if holding onto them is a good thing? Do we want to continue reading them and constantly remind ourselves of what our R used to be and is getting rid of them a part of "letting go"?
I have mine going back from when we started dating. There is part of me that never wants to get rid of them and part that does, yet I can't bring myself to do just that. I may move them to a thumb drive or some other sort of back up and just file them away. Sure, looking over them brings back times when the world was right, but if there is still sadness/pain then it isn't worth it.
I agree as it is also too soon for me to get rid of all our past communications, pictures, random mementos, and even our wedding pictures. All of these things my W declined to show interest in when she left so why do we hang onto them and for how long? When can we finally accept our future and let go of our past?
Maybe just box them up and seal it very tight with tape. And just put it in storage. That way, its still there but you don't see it.
I can understand that. For some reason I've kept all the ones my ex sent, too, to include her emails. I just moved them all to a little used account. Not sure why I am keeping them, though. Read through some of them yesterday afternoon as I was looking for something unrelated.
How did you feel while you read through them?
I can also understand that, too. I never wanted it to happen. Oh well. It is what it is.
Korea - Army?
Air Force.
These emails bring back happier days in our R, but I wonder if holding onto them is a good thing? Do we want to continue reading them and constantly remind ourselves of what our R used to be and is getting rid of them a part of "letting go"? I agree as it is also too soon for me to get rid of all our past communications, pictures, random mementos, and even our wedding pictures. All of these things my W declined to show interest in when she left so why do we hang onto them and for how long? When can we finally accept our future and let go of our past?
When to get of the stuff is the million dollar question. My wife and I rarely texted or emailed each other, until the last year or so when we were together. I think then we didn't want to talk to each other and texts were the easiest way to communicate without getting in each other's way. We used to enjoy talking to each other every day on the phone and when we were together. That changed drastically over the last few years. Before I changed jobs we communicated on my work phone almost extensively. I saved all the texts messages because I wanted proof of some of our discussions.
I did go back and read the texts from about 6 months before she left me and there were a few texts where we were friendly towards each other, but most of the texts from me where cold and angry. Her texts were not mean or spiteful. Mine were. I was not a fun person to communicate with.
Maybe just box them up and seal it very tight with tape. And just put it in storage. That way, its still there but you don't see it.
I still have my W's wedding dress. When we married she had it sealed and put in a box so if we ever had a daughter she might want to get married in it too. My W dropped it off at the house for my D and my D rolled her eyes and said she didn't want it. I wasn't going to get rid of it. It is my W's dress and I would never willingly destroy it. When I moved into my apartment my W helped me move some things out of the house the day before closing. She saw the wedding dress box and told me to get rid of it. I told her there is no way I was going to get rid of it. It's all on her. She looked at it for a few seconds and finally asked me if I would keep it for her. I told her I would and put it under the bed.
I'm mind reading, but I think in her mind if I got rid of the dress then it wasn't her doing it, it was me and it would make it easier for her to deal with it being gone.
I'm mind reading, but I think in her mind if I got rid of the dress then it wasn't her doing it, it was me and it would make it easier for her to deal with it being gone.
I think that's a very good point. Let her deal with it. Would you keep it forever?
I actually have text messages from my W (after she told me about the PA) that tell me how much she loves me and how much she wants our marriage to work. Then in a few short weeks they tell a different story. I actually wanted to forward one of the long ones that basically said I was the one and all that other loving things you would want to hear after the news of a PA, but what is the point now.
I suppose it doesn't matter about how you communicated with her in the past, but more about how you communicate with her now is the key.
I have mine going back from when we started dating. There is part of me that never wants to get rid of them and part that does, yet I can't bring myself to do just that. I may move them to a thumb drive or some other sort of back up and just file them away. Sure, looking over them brings back times when the world was right, but if there is still sadness/pain then it isn't worth it.
After all you been through (been reading your older posts) then does looking back cause any sadness/pain for you at all? Obviously, I would say no otherwise you would have gotten rid of them right?
After all you been through (been reading your older posts) then does looking back cause any sadness/pain for you at all? Obviously, I would say no otherwise you would have gotten rid of them right?
Good question. Honestly, there are times when it does and times when it doesn't. Still, her ghost lingers. There are things that will trigger sadness/pain. I guess they will always be there. I do miss my wife. But at the same time, I realize what her past did to her. She was the victim of a most f***ed childhood. And knowing that doesn't bring any hate/anger into me, except when it affects the kids.
I can't bring myself to throw the things away. Even the anniversary/valentines cards/etc. Everything is in a box, sealed. Maybe its a mental block. I don't know.
I think that's a very good point. Let her deal with it. Would you keep it forever?
Probably. My IC scolded me a few months back because I was getting rid of so much stuff. She told me I'm not the only one who may want to see the stuff much later. My daughter may have wanted it later on and if she has kids maybe they would want some of the stuff I got rid of. My daughter doesn't want anything of her mother's now, but later, who knows.
If I get involved with another woman and she wants me to get rid of it I will cross that bridge then.
I suppose it doesn't matter about how you communicated with her in the past, but more about how you communicate with her now is the key.
That is one thing that is so sad with my sitch. We get along great now as long as we don't talk about money or our R. We talk about everything else under the sun and we generally have a good time. We've talked about stuff we stopped talking about years ago that intimate people normally do. I think she is just at ease now that she isn't with me and isn't afraid of things I will say to her. I want to bash my head into a wall because it took her leaving me to see what an ass I became and knowing I know I can make her happy again but the bridge has probably been burned.
I think she is just at ease now that she isn't with me and isn't afraid of things I will say to her.
Maybe friend-zoned is the correct term here...
We all have moments where we want to bash our head against the wall, me especially...had I done things differently I truly feel wouldn't be a single guy again. Oh well.
Friend-zoned is the correct term I'm sure. My DB coach said I had to become her friend so she would like me again before she would ever allow herself to fall in love with me again. I prefer being her friend than being her enemy. But being her friend may just be giving me too much false hope.
I want to bash my head into a wall because it took her leaving me to see what an ass I became and knowing I know I can make her happy again but the bridge has probably been burned.
My W actually told me how hurt she was that it took something like a PA to finally wake me up to her unhappiness and make a change. I thought that was BS cause no matter what it takes 2 to make a marriage work and she could have come to me before actually having a PA with someone else. Yes, I have seen my faults after all this, but what about hers?
Can't keep blaming yourself forever. At least you realize now so you can only learn from your sitch even if it doesn't turn out the way you want. Keep the conversations pleasant and off anything that would make her upset. Be a friend to her and keep making her feel comfortable talking to you again.
My W actually told me how hurt she was that it took something like a PA to finally wake me up to her unhappiness and make a change. I thought that was BS cause no matter what it takes 2 to make a marriage work and she could have come to me before actually having a PA with someone else. Yes, I have seen my faults after all this, but what about hers?
She's laying the blame of the PA on your feet. Typical. Mine did the same thing.
I had to become her friend so she would like me again before she would ever allow herself to fall in love with me again.
There is a very, very fine line. Some want to be become "friends" to make it easy on us...sort of ease their guilt. They feel that by doing this that we are OK with things. Be careful.
My W actually told me how hurt she was that it took something like a PA to finally wake me up to her unhappiness and make a change. I thought that was BS cause no matter what it takes 2 to make a marriage work and she could have come to me before actually having a PA with someone else. Yes, I have seen my faults after all this, but what about hers?
She's laying the blame of the PA on your feet. Typical. Mine did the same thing.
Me too! W says...I am in love with POM...and it's all your fault! Ugh.
My W actually told me how hurt she was that it took something like a PA to finally wake me up to her unhappiness and make a change. I thought that was BS cause no matter what it takes 2 to make a marriage work and she could have come to me before actually having a PA with someone else. Yes, I have seen my faults after all this, but what about hers?
I think the next time I talk to my W I'm going to ask her if she feels any resentment towards me because it took her leaving me before I opened my eyes. I keep going through my head if we would have just talked like we've been doing the last few months then all this could have been avoided. I wish she would have broke down emotionally before she left me to force me to see how bad I had become...
As it was she only broke down in front of me after she left and by then it was too late.
Can't keep blaming yourself forever. At least you realize now so you can only learn from your sitch even if it doesn't turn out the way you want. Keep the conversations pleasant and off anything that would make her upset. Be a friend to her and keep making her feel comfortable talking to you again.
Thanks, I'm going to try.
I think the next time I talk to my W I'm going to ask her if she feels any resentment towards me because it took her leaving me before I opened my eyes. I keep going through my head if we would have just talked like we've been doing the last few months then all this could have been avoided. I wish she would have broke down emotionally before she left me to force me to see how bad I had become
Why ask her that? The answer you will get is "yes" because that's where she is at, regardless if it is true or not. They will spin the truth so much to where they believe it as gospel. That is a path you do not want to go down.
There is a very, very fine line. Some want to be become "friends" to make it easy on us...sort of ease their guilt. They feel that by doing this that we are OK with things. Be careful.
Yeah, I know it's a fine line. Sometimes I wish I could just put her out of my life forever but she truly is a kind and caring person and even though I still love her, I still like her as well. Neither of us ever had an EA or PA (I came close once but W found out about it and nipped it in the bud before anything more happened) so there isn't that noose around our necks.
When I have to move to another state in a coupe of months the real test of our "friendship" will begin.
Why ask her that? The answer you will get is "yes" because that's where she is at, regardless if it is true or not. They will spin the truth so much to where they believe it as gospel. That is a path you do not want to go down.
Because I know my W will not sugar-coat it. I know she will tell me the truth. If she holds no resentment she will tell me. Even if she says yes and it's not the truth it won't bother me. But it will make her think.
It’s hard to believe it’s been nearly two months since I’ve posted in my own thread. I visit this site nearly every day and I occasionally post but I feel as if I cannot add any helpful advice. My sitch is different than most here and in a lot of ways it’s the same, sadly. I do lean from others on this site. It is why I visit frequently. This post, like most I’ve done is just a bit of journaling.
I just passed my 11 month BD date. In less than a month we can divorce. I don’t plan on filing and I don’t know if/when my W is. We don’t talk about it. I’m too scared to bring it up. I really don’t think we will ever get back together but I still hold out hope so I’m not the one who is going to file. Maybe it’s a small moral victory but I want to look myself in the eye and tell myself I was not the one who put the nail in the M. Later this month we are scheduled to have the final spousal support mediation. I told my L I agree to continue paying the amount I was ordered to last August. I don’t know if my W will accept this and avoid the cost of mediation or try to go after more. This is the same amount that I thought was very unfair to me (as most people do). I still think it’s unfair but I’ve budgeted my money well and I did get a better paying job so I will be okay. One of the things about being married for so long in this state is how antiquated the laws for spousal support is. I will have to pay her money for the rest of my life and when I retire I will have to go to court to get the payments reduced. Since I’ve lost half of everything and I’m in my mid-50’s I won’t have as much time to build up my nest egg as I had before. I try not to dwell on it because when I do I get angry about it all.
The last 11 months have been a gradual awakening for me. If three years ago I was the man I am now my M would still be as strong as it ever was. My W loved me dearly and I blew it with my resentment towards her. I’m a much more mellow person and I can see the W I married. It’s probably too late but I feel good about where I’ve come. I am sure if I do get divorced I will be able to move forward; especially since I will be moving 600 miles away. It will still hurt when I think of a marriage that was once so strong and certain to last our lifetime. I loved telling people I was married and I loved telling people how great a W she was. Even in the darkest hours I still told people how great she was.
As I mentioned earlier, I took another job and I could work from my apartment when I wasn’t traveling, but my company preferred me being local. So, this past week I traveled to FL and found an apartment. I move the first week of June. I finally told my W of the move yesterday. Her reaction was nonchalant. I expected that. I think she is more worried about her income more than me being local. I know I’m not supposed to be a mind reader but her reaction was so bland and to me, uncaring. I guess it was the preferred response because if she got all upset then I might have doubted my decision. I had all responses and answers covered for what ever reaction I got.
We still talk but not nearly as much as we used to. Each month since December we’ve talked less than the month before. I haven’t seen her since 1 Jan when she made me a New Year’s Day good luck dinner. She still comes by my apartment complex and checks my mail every couple of days when I’m traveling and she still puts food treats in my truck for a nice surprise when I get back. I even joked if she would mind doing the 1,200-mile round trip to check my mail when I was traveling. She got a kick out of that and she had a good laugh. She has even surprised me by bringing me some of my favorite food dishes early in the morning. I have a truck with a combination lock on it so she will put the food in the truck and call me later in the day to for me to check in the truck. I’m always touched and thankful for her thoughtfulness. I’ve asked her before why she does it and she always just says she is trying to be nice. It’s not something she just started doing. She has done stuff like this even when we were dating. It was one of the things that endeared me to her. I know I’m in the friend zone. It’s not the best but it is better than being in a zone where we are angry and hateful towards each other.
Tomorrow will by the one-year “anniversary” of the BD.
It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. The date means a lot for obvious reasons, but in this State it means more because we can legally be divorced now. For many months I was petrified of this date but now I’m accepting of the possibilities. The first 6 months crept along slowly as I operated in a fog, but the last 6 months have whizzed by. It’s amazing the difference in the perception of time.
Last year my W and I were in the depths of a very unhappy M, but even in my darkest hour I never thought my W would leave me after nearly 33 years of being together. I was just like every other LBS and in many ways, I was worse because I knew the M was in deep trouble but still surprised when I came home and discovered she left. It was my ego of knowing my W loved me with all my heart that kept me from believing she would do something so drastic.
She showed me.
Last year on this date my daughter had just received her Master’s degree and for a few hours I didn’t think of the misery of my M. My wife had stayed home because she was worried about her(our) dog. At least that is what I as led to believe when in actuality she used the few days I was in Texas to move out of our house. My D and I shopped for Mother’s day gifts and I didn’t have the heart to get anything. I didn’t care anymore. My D wasn’t able to give my W her gift for a few months after that and even now My D says it’s going to be a long time before she gets a Mother's Day gift from her.
I’m in a much better place now than I was then and that’s putting it mildly. Up until a few months ago, my sadness/normal mode was something like 70 percent sad and 30 percent “okay” (with a few sprinkles of happiness). Now, the ratio is probably 80 percent “okay” and 20 percent sad. I still have moments of happy sprinkled in. I still get sad and unfortunately, it almost gets crippling with the depression it brings. Knowing my D loves me as only a D can love her dad and me loving her, even more, keeps things in perspective no matter how deep in pain I get. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my D, even if she lives 5 states over.
My W and I still communicated and it’s still friendly. We just don’t talk nearly as much or as often. Every month since December the amount of calls and the duration has decreased. Hell, I went almost 4 months without seeing her and the only reason I got to see her is my D flew in from TX to see me and her friends. She grudgingly saw her mother because it was the “right” thing to do. My W brought her(our) dog over for my D to see for a couple of days and the following weekend I watched her(our) dog. Now that’s done I don’t see me seeing my W for a long time. I am moving out of state in a month and I expect to see her then but after that, it may be months or even years.
My W has moved on. On that, there is no denying. I think I’ve done a pretty good job detaching as I rarely think of her or what she is doing. I get sad because like most here I grieve from what was lost and of a future that won’t happen, but actually thinking about her and missing her; I don’t.
I know she has moved on because when I finally told her I was moving to another state she treated the news as blasé as you could and only mentioned it in passing once since I told her. Her(our) dog was very sick and needed to be put down and it was angering me my W would not do it. When I watched the dog last weekend it was all I could not to take the dog to the vet and have it done myself. I couldn’t do that because I knew my W would be crushed if I did that and she wasn’t there to be with the dog. I’ve since learned she has put the dog down a couple of days ago. She didn’t bother telling me. It didn’t matter the dog was part of our lives for 12 years (the dog was 15). My W had the dog euthanized without letting me know.
It is what it is.
More to write later. At least we don’t have to go to mediation. We were able to work that out between us saving us money on L fees.
RDS,
Happy Anniversary??? You sound good in your post and I hope that's the case. Best of luck getting through tomorrow.
All the best.
RDS,
Happy Anniversary??? You sound good in your post and I hope that's the case. Best of luck getting through tomorrow.
All the best.
Thanks Trying. I'm pretty sure tomorrow I should be okay. I will see.
Today is my 1-year BD anniversary.
I go out to my truck and see my W had dropped by early this morning and left me a bowl of chicken salad (it's awesome BTW). I text thanks and she calls me immediately. We talk for 30 minutes. It was a good conversation, as it always is. I am not sure she even realizes the date, but she is the person who remembers every birthday, anniversary, and every other date so It's unlikely the date hasn't escaped her.
Oh, and she didn't put her dog down. I was given bad information.
I don't know why I did it, but after nearly a year, I have been wearing my wedding ring the last two days. I was scheduled for travel this week and as I was packing I rummaged through a nightstand drawer and discovered my wedding ring.
I don't know why, but I put it on. In a matter of minutes it didn't feel strange. It felt like it was supposed to be there. I didn't take it off and I've been wearing it while I've been on the road. It feels good. I know it's stupid. Now I'm afraid if I take it off while I'm traveling I will lose it.
Why would I do this after a year of not thinking about it?
My M is 99.9 percent over, and the only reason it's not official is because of a small snafu in the alimony wording, but my L is working on that now and if they can get it in court next week I will be officially divorced.
I went to court today to finalize the permanent spousal agreement and I honestly thought it would be a walk in the park as my W and I had skipped mediation and worked everything out among ourselves (with our L's approval). There was never any talk about divorce among us. In fact, we never talked about our R at all.
Little did I know the divorce proceedings were well under way and as part of the proceedings the judge would have signed the divorcee decree and I would have been divorced. A year in the making, but also it would be over just like that.
I still had lingering hopes we could still get our M back. I am a much better person than I was a year ago (my L and my W's L both say I'm a great-standup guy), but my W just can't trust me anymore and all she seems to worry about is the money she can get from me.
My weekend plans were to pack my stuff as I'm moving into another state next week because of my job. It was something I was dreading and now it's doubled the misery I'm going through.
Crap.
You never know rds...Your situation did not have infidelity. Your stbx still cooks for you. Maybe after all the stress and conflict that comes with a divorce isbover and the dust settles she will be able to truly reflect a little more?
It may happen, but I doubt it. We have been physically separated for over a year now. We still talk but not nearly as frequently and since January I've only seen her a few times.
I think she was being nice to me because she didn't want me to get angry with her and fight her on alimony.
I'm free to date now, but I've yet to meet any woman (not that I've met many) who remotely interests me.
Journal time.
I finally moved to a different state 600 miles from home for my new job a week ago. The apartment I’m living at is 100 times better than the last apartment I lived, but nowhere near as great as our dreamhouse my W and I lived in for 15+ years. The morning I moved I stopped by my W’s office to help her with some computer issues she had. When I was leaving she gave me the longest and deepest hug I’ve had in years. I tried to pull away a time or two but she kept pulling me closer. After we broke our embrace we kissed for the first time since the BD date. It wasn’t a passionate kiss, but there was feeling in it. I looked into her eyes and I told her I loved her. It was nearly two years since I told her that. I not only told her I loved her deeply, but I also told her I was unfortunately still IN LOVE with her. Tears welled in eyes and I knew she was seconds from bursting into a full-blown meltdown. I kissed her a couple of more times before I left.
Oh, as usual, she had packed me a “goody” bag for my trip. Luckily, some things never change.
We’ve talked once since I’ve been here, and a couple of texts, and that’s it.
I was more melancholy than sad. I still want to be married to her in the worst way, but that will have to be way down the road because she isn’t stopping the divorce. If I’m to be married to her again it will be a remarriage. I hold out a little hope but with so many miles between us I am a realist to the slim possibilities.
I don’t think I would change a thing on how I did things after she left me. My W and I get along well. I make her laugh again and she knows I’m incredibly ashamed of how I acted the last few years of our M. I long ago stopped blaming her for the destruction of our M; even though her spending habits and refusal to work caused me to stay angry at her for years.
After my W left me I went to an IC and I hired a marriage coach. I cannot stress enough how the marriage coach helped me through this. Even though my M won’t be saved my sanity dealing with my W remained intact because of the guidance the coach provided. Without the coach and this board I am sure I would have acted inappropriately many times over the year. I might have acted so childish and tried to be “right” our feelings might have turned to hate. I don’t know.
I didn’t post much, but I did voraciously read nearly every thread; especially in the early days. It helped. A lot.
For some stupid reason I joined Match and paid for a 3 months. I browsed through the amble postings but I’m just not into it yet. There are many amazing (judging by their posts) women out there, but I’m not ready to pull the trigger. During my dark days of my M I always thought going on dates again with other women would be fun. Now the thought of dating almost terrifies me.
RDS, you and I started posting around the same time, I remember first reading your introduction and sitting in disbelief, W says she's not going to Daughters graduation so she can care for sickly dog, then when you come home she's gone and won't tell you where to... Hopefully I am recalling the correct sitch, I did not go back and look.
I really didn't know what to make of it at the time, I thought maybe there was some sort of abuse that you weren't opening up about, but I felt for you, dealing with 100% loss in an instant whereas most of us with WS lose a little bit everyday over many months.
Other than her wanting (expecting) a size able amount of alimony for the rest of her life (just cause she never had to work I don't feel like that makes her entitled to never work after D) I admire your ExW. Most of us lose our spouses and have to deal with that pain while our WS are having "fun" in their new R, but your ExW was brave enough to leave without that crutch, she accepted the pain of losing her M without looking for someone to cover it up.
Your update makes me jealous, you and your ex are both healing, both remember the M you had, both good and bad, without someone else in those memories. There is healing that still needs to occur, there is still self improvement on both sides, but when I read what you wrote, I see two people that are likely to be together in old age. Keep DBing, keep moving forward and being the best you can be, enjoying the hell out of life. Then one day when you don't feel emotional about your wife, like you do towards an old friend you haven't seen, call her to get together... Maybe at a family function, maybe your in town and want to catch up over lunch, just get together and talk face to face.
RDS, you and I started posting around the same time, I remember first reading your introduction and sitting in disbelief, W says she's not going to Daughters graduation so she can care for sickly dog, then when you come home she's gone and won't tell you where to... Hopefully I am recalling the correct sitch, I did not go back and look.
Wow, C-Nut, you have an amazing memory. You are 100 percent correct on your recollection.
I really didn't know what to make of it at the time, I thought maybe there was some sort of abuse that you weren't opening up about, but I felt for you, dealing with 100% loss in an instant whereas most of us with WS lose a little bit everyday over many months.
You're right about losing everything in an instant. It felt like a sudden death. One of my neighbors lost his W suddenly to a heart attack and I stupidly thought I had it worse because my W chose to leave me, where my neighbor's W didn't have a choice. It sounds incredibly stupid to think about it now, but as you know when your in the deep fog like that your mind thinks stupid things.
In her eyes I did abuse her emotionally. I was constantly angry at her because she put us so far in debt and gave up trying to help to get us above water. In some ways I felt as if she cheated on me, but that was me trying to justify me staying angry at her.
Other than her wanting (expecting) a size able amount of alimony for the rest of her life (just cause she never had to work I don't feel like that makes her entitled to never work after D) I admire your ExW. Most of us lose our spouses and have to deal with that pain while our WS are having "fun" in their new R, but your ExW was brave enough to leave without that crutch, she accepted the pain of losing her M without looking for someone to cover it up.
I haven't really thought of it that way, but I agree.
Your update makes me jealous, you and your ex are both healing, both remember the M you had, both good and bad, without someone else in those memories. There is healing that still needs to occur, there is still self improvement on both sides, but when I read what you wrote, I see two people that are likely to be together in old age. Keep DBing, keep moving forward and being the best you can be, enjoying the hell out of life. Then one day when you don't feel emotional about your wife, like you do towards an old friend you haven't seen, call her to get together... Maybe at a family function, maybe your in town and want to catch up over lunch, just get together and talk face to face.
Thanks for the kind words Cnut. It really does me a lot. I mean it.
This time next week I will be divorced. Two months shy of 33 years of M and it will be over in a matter of minutes. I still can't believe I'm saying that. I've known for the past 14 months this was inevitable no matter how well we got along and all that other stuff, but the naïve part of my brain thought it would not come to this and there would be some miracle to stop everything. I won't be in court as I signed the required paperwork for my L to present to the court on my behalf.
I get panic attacks when I think about the divorce, the financial burden it entails, the future of single life, and everything else this situation brings me.
Moving 600 miles for a new job away from friends and family just before a divorce isn't helping either. I've only been here a month and it feels like an eternity.
This [censored].
Hey RDS,
Sorry to hear that your D will be finalized next week. No amount of words will offer much comfort or even help with the panic attacks. D often feels like a death and in many aspects it is.
Are you seeing anyone for the panic attacks or taking any medication for them?
How are the GAL activities going in your new location? Any new co-workers that would be interested in hanging out?
I know dating doesn't sound right just yet, but some day someone will come along and you will know. Hell, it might even be your W. Use this time to heal and focus your energy on yourself so when that day comes, no matter who it is, they will recognize all that you have to offer.
I know it s**** at times, but hang in there. Things will get better.
1. I won't be in court as I signed the required paperwork for my L to present to the court on my behalf.
2. I get panic attacks when I think about the divorce, the financial burden it entails, the future of single life, and everything else this situation brings me.
3. Moving 600 miles for a new job away from friends and family just before a divorce isn't helping either. I've only been here a month and it feels like an eternity.
4. This [censored].
1. Why won't you be there? Curious why you decided to not be there.
2. I'm curious as to what your GAL activities are... It surprises me to hear this from you. Sad, upset, I get those feelings, but panic attacks? Are you making the most out of your life or dwelling on the past?
3. I moved 600 miles away, I felt exhilaration about the move for the first two months, new places to explore, finally lived in a place out of the city, meeting new people... Where would you LOVE to live? Maybe you need to find a job in that place.
4. Yes, it [censored]... But you have the opportunity to do whatever YOU want, what do you want?
Your post may have just been a day of wallowing in self pity, but if it represents a bigger picture, you need to work on that. You can be happy, you just gotta find and do what it takes to get there.
Hey RDS,
Are you seeing anyone for the panic attacks or taking any medication for them?
No, I'm not seeing anyone or taking any medications. When my W first left me I got prescribed some medication but I didn't like how it made me feel so I stopped taking it. The panic attack come and go. The attacks are associated with my job as well. It's high stress and it's the type of job of "what have you done for me lately" that keeps me on edge.
How are the GAL activities going in your new location? Any new co-workers that would be interested in hanging out?
Ashamed to say, but GAL has taken a back seat the last few months as I was concentrating on my move and getting settled in my new place. I have joined a couple of meetups and I hope to get out in the real world again.
I know dating doesn't sound right just yet, but some day someone will come along and you will know. Hell, it might even be your W. Use this time to heal and focus your energy on yourself so when that day comes, no matter who it is, they will recognize all that you have to offer.
I really want to get in the dating world again. I even joined Match and paid for it, but I cannot pull the trigger yet. I'm not ready for it.
My brother says when I finally do start dating and get that feeling of worth again it will make everything much better. I was 21 years old when I met my W and I still have the stupid feeling if I started seeing someone I would hurt my W. I know it's incredibly stupid to think that way, but it's the truth.
I know it s**** at times, but hang in there. Things will get better.
I know it will. Considering how I was last year compared to now I'm in a much better place. It's still not a good place but better than the last place.
[quote=RDS]
1. Why won't you be there? Curious why you decided to not be there.
I'm a project manager and I have a couple of projects just starting up and the start dates were set long ago and I have to be there. There are too many people to move around to change my schedule. Everything was already been decided anyway and I don't know if I can see my W in a courtroom again. We've been in court twice since she left me and each time my heart broke a little more. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.
2. I'm curious as to what your GAL activities are... It surprises me to hear this from you. Sad, upset, I get those feelings, but panic attacks? Are you making the most out of your life or dwelling on the past?
Very ashamed to say, but I haven't done much GAL lately. Too concerned about the job, my move, and of course my failed M. I've fallen in a rut and I am dwelling in the past. I knew moving here I would be hit with a lot of memories. It's worse than I thought it would be.
3. I moved 600 miles away, I felt exhilaration about the move for the first two months, new places to explore, finally lived in a place out of the city, meeting new people... Where would you LOVE to live? Maybe you need to find a job in that place.
I was excited about moving here, but I also had lots of reservations too. We lived here in the early '90s and we LOVED it here. There was nothing but happy times. We celebrated our 10 year anniversary here. Now, everything reminds me of the good times I pissed away. I'm staying at least a year to see if things improve. The pay is good. I have enough money to live comfortably and pay my W the alimony I've been ordered to pay. In the meantime, I will continue to search for jobs in the Dallas area. My D lives there now and she would love for me to move to be closer to her. Living there really would be a fresh and exciting start.
If I didn't have this noose of alimony hanging around my neck I would start from scratch and move out there and live on my savings until I found something suitable. I'm also not afraid to flip burgers for a living until I get on my feet but the way it's designed I'm not allowed to do that.
4. Yes, it [censored]... But you have the opportunity to do whatever YOU want, what do you want?
Stay married to my W. LMAO. I don't know what I want. Still searching.
Your post may have just been a day of wallowing in self pity, but if it represents a bigger picture, you need to work on that. You can be happy, you just gotta find and do what it takes to get there.
I'm not denying any of that. You spoke true words.
Tomorrow the D will come and go. Still can't believe I will be a divorced man.
Had a phone call about an hour ago with the STBXW and I'm trying to calm down as best I can. It' obvious she is only thinking of herself and even after 14+ months she still places all the blame on me. Whatever.
What started out as an innocent call quickly turned ugly. She wanted to know the life insurance policies and the amounts. I have three life insurance policies. I pay for 2 and I get one through my job. Let's just say if I die now my W would be a wealthy woman.
Anyway, she is asking for this information, and I finally ask what it's for. She says her lawyer is asking for it. I told her as soon as the divorce is done I am removing her as a beneficiary and naming our D the beneficiary. She starts yelling on the phone telling me I promised to keep her on the life insurance. I replied I did say that, but I would only keep her on the policy as long as we were married. After that she is on her own.
She asks in an elevated voice what happens to her if I die? I told her wanting a D is her saying she doesn't need me anymore and she would have to do like everyone else. Why should she benefit from my death? I also asked her what do I get if she dies? I get nothing. She then goes on to say she deserves something for putting up with me for 32 years. I respond why do you expect to get everything and I'm not allowed to get anything in return?
I will continue to pay the insurance, but I don't want to be legally forced to pay for it. My W just doesn't understand I have real concerns about me paying my bills. I have a good job now, but I cannot see what could happen in the future. If I lose my job I am still legally obligated to pay her alimony and half my retirement income. She doesn't want to see my side of the story. For her, I'm just being extremely selfish. I don't want to be liable for yet another bill where she benefits.
At one point how much more can I bleed.
She kept saying, "I'm done. I'm done. You hurt me in our marriage and you still want to hurt me now!" This is from the same woman who put over $90k in credit card debt (which I'm ordered to pay the large majority of), and she wants to know why I'm concerned about money.
She cannot see I'm not trying to hurt her. I want to be as fair as possible and I honestly think I am, but in her mindset every dollar she can't get from me is a dollar I'm using to hurt her.
There was a lot more to it, but I'm still amazed how bitter she is towards our M. She paints herself as this beacon of purity while I was the demon in the house. It's mind boggling.
The divorce is final. After 32 years-10 months and 3 days it's over in minutes by a quick signature. That's 11,994 days. A long time.
I know it's just a piece of paper, but in my mind it means a whole lot more because it is a lot more.
I sometimes wonder if being friendly during the 14 month separation wasn't the worst thing for me as I might be further along with the detachment.
RDS,
I'm sorry.
Sorry
Proud of you for your comment about the life insurance. The fact you put D as beneficiary should have been enough for her.
Go do something for YOU. Alone or with trusted friends.
It [censored] but if she blames you that is her problem.
Take comfort in knowing any more debt she accumulates is on her. You're out of that nightmare now.
RDS, so sorry about the D! May your life after be full of joy and awesome things though!
I told her as soon as the divorce is done I am removing her as a beneficiary and naming our D the beneficiary. She starts yelling on the phone telling me I promised to keep her on the life insurance.
Wait, what????
She asks in an elevated voice what happens to her if I die?
SERIOUSLY????
She then goes on to say she deserves something for putting up with me for 32 years. I respond why do you expect to get everything and I'm not allowed to get anything in return?
I'm just speechless here, I mean WAW's can be a little out there but this is just a visit to cray-cray town here, LOL! I do like your responses to her!
She kept saying, "I'm done. I'm done. You hurt me in our marriage and you still want to hurt me now!"
I'm sorry, but death BENEFITS are a BENEFIT of being married and sticking by someone's side. Not of ditching them when you get tired or bored.
This is from the same woman who put over $90k in credit card debt (which I'm ordered to pay the large majority of)
My W did the same. I can't remember the exact dollar amount but it was close to that. She quietly accumulated it over a decade while I was saving to pay off our house. When I sprung the news on her one Christmas that our home and cars were paid off and we were completely debt-free, I got a deer-in-the-headlights look. Not at all what I expected. Yeah, little did I know we were nowhere close to debt free. I still think that was a large part of BD, was all the anger and resentment she built up over the debt that she never told me about. I had to pay a large chunk of that in the divorce as well. But I'll tell you, it is really nice to know I am completely independent of her financial follies now, so at least you have that going for you too. As tight as your financial situation may be, at least it is 100% in your control now.
RDS - a quick check with your lawyer might be in order. I know that in consulting with mine that the agreement may have written in that life insurance is required to be able to continue the equivalent of support payments in the case of your untimely demise. I did get the hair eyeball from mine when I mentioned that my beneficiaries were changed to my kids. For my part, I want to make sure that if I do pass that the kids will take proper care of my last wishes and not just toss my ashes into the dumpster
I'm expecting it to be a point of discussion as we go through defining the separation agreement.
RDS,
I'm sorry.
Doodler, thanks, but where is your humor in this? 
Sorry
Proud of you for your comment about the life insurance. The fact you put D as beneficiary should have been enough for her.
It [censored] but if she blames you that is her problem.
You would think, but my XW looks at my daughter almost like an extension from me. It’s sad really. I keep telling my daughter to ignore how her mother is now, because hopefully in the future her mother will realize they will want and need each other.
Take comfort in knowing any more debt she accumulates is on her. You're out of that nightmare now.
One thing I can take comfort in is I am now in charge of my money. It’s amazing how much extra money I have even though I have to pay her alimony and I am losing half my retirement. I had to scale down a lot from the lifestyle I used to have, but my money is not going away frivolously. I’m even able to pay extra on the CC bills and put money into my savings. At least that stressful part of my life is eliminated. I had told my XW if I had taken over the budget we would either still be happily married or we would have divorced years ago because I would have been very strict with the money.
My W did the same. I can't remember the exact dollar amount but it was close to that. She quietly accumulated it over a decade while I was saving to pay off our house. When I sprung the news on her one Christmas that our home and cars were paid off and we were completely debt-free, I got a deer-in-the-headlights look. Not at all what I expected. Yeah, little did I know we were nowhere close to debt free. I still think that was a large part of BD, was all the anger and resentment she built up over the debt that she never told me about. I had to pay a large chunk of that in the divorce as well. But I'll tell you, it is really nice to know I am completely independent of her financial follies now, so at least you have that going for you too. As tight as your financial situation may be, at least it is 100% in your control now.
I can pinpoint the moment when my marriage started to fall apart and it was the day I opened a CC bill fully expecting the amount to be “0”. Instead it was over $10k, and the more I investigated the more I discovered how deeply in debt we were. Every CC bill was maxed out and there were several of them. I hadn’t put my head in the sand. My XW had always taken care of the budget and she did it well. Our bills were always paid on time and our cars were paid off ahead of schedule. I remember us joking about her parents being so bad with their money and it was something that would not happen to us. I worked on the road 330 days a year so I didn’t see her spending the money like she was.
It happened to us and it happened much worse. At the start she said all the right things about helping to drive down the debt. It never happened and I got more resentful as time went on. It finally got so bad she couldn’t take it anymore. Naturally, in her eyes it’s 99 percent my fault.
I try to stay upbeat about it all, but it’s hard when the plans I had for the future were ruined and I have to start over at my age. I’m living the bachelor life like a 20 year old, but I’m considerably older now. My life’s achievements are gone. That’s a bitter bill to swallow sometimes. Divorce should not be this devastating just because you were married for so long.
I never paid attention to my credit score. It was always good. Whenever I needed credit I always got it and the people giving me credit always commented my score was good. After my XW left me I checked my score and it was in the low 600’s. I was upset. I’ve since moved it up into the mid 600’s which is in the “fair” category. I still have a long way to go to get it to where I want but it’s a goal I’m shooting for.
RDS - a quick check with your lawyer might be in order. I know that in consulting with mine that the agreement may have written in that life insurance is required to be able to continue the equivalent of support payments in the case of your untimely demise. I did get the hair eyeball from mine when I mentioned that my beneficiaries were changed to my kids. For my part, I want to make sure that if I do pass that the kids will take proper care of my last wishes and not just toss my ashes into the dumpster
I'm expecting it to be a point of discussion as we go through defining the separation agreement.
My XW L never brought it up (I think she dropped the ball on that) and I wasn't going to put it in the divorce decree. To make it easier on everyone I agreed to have my work's insurance go to her. It costs me less than $10 a month and it protects me because I won't be obligated to keep it if I don't have a job.
I haven't posted here in a long time, but I still visit this site regularly. Since my marriage wasn't saved I felt like I couldn't add much to the conversation, but I still visited and felt empathy to everyone going through the pain of a failing marriage.
It's been two months since my divorce. I was originally supposed to be divorced June 2, but due to legal wrangling it got delayed until July 18. During the June hearing I was knocked a bit off track as I did not know I was getting divorced. I still held out hope my M was going to be saved as so many points seemed to lean towards my M being saved. Obviously her mind was made up long before that. I was now in her "friend zone". I was someone she could call a friend but not someone who she could be "in" love with again.
On June 2 I thought it was a court hearing for permanent spousal support. To say I was in a fog that day would be an understatement. Naturally the July 18 date I knew I would be divorced so I was as prepared as I could be. I did not attend the court hearing as there was no need for me to be there. My L did tell me my XW seemed to be really sad that day.
Fast forward to today. I am dating and I have been blessed with some fun dates. I felt like a teenager again. Having said that, I'm enjoying life with a fantastic woman I've been seeing for about 6 weeks. She is a joy to be around and she really digs me. It's not uncommon to spend HOURS on the phone talking about super serious stuff and super stupid stuff. This romance may grow to something life long or it may eventually fizzle to nothing, but whatever happens it has made me realize you CAN be happy after divorce.
Many people think I'm jumping into the dating world too soon and a few months ago I would agree. But even though I have only been divorced 2 months I was separated from my W for 14 months before our divorce and during that time I never thought of looking at another W. No other W seemed remotely interesting to me.
During my 14 month separation I wanted nothing more than to get back together with my W. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm happier now than I have been in years. I'm finally seeing the "warts" of my XW that I refused to acknowledge (and others could see, including my D). It has made it easier to date other women. For over 34 years I never thought of being with someone else because I took the vows of M seriously and my W really was someone special.
My D and I have agreed to keep my dating secret from my XW. For some strange reason I feel like I'm somewhat abandoning my M even though it was my XW who did all the leg work getting the D done. Maybe it's egotistical of me to think this, but I think my odds of living a life with someone special is much better than hers. That scares me and saddens me at the same time. I hope that makes sense. She is a very caring and giving person but she is also high maintenance.
Anyway, point I'm trying to say is saving your M is the best way to go, but if it can't be saved there is life after a D even if you were with someone for 34+ years.
Oh, one other thing, my anniversary was September 15. I would have been married for 33 years. The woman I'm seeing has the same anniversary as me. She would have been married 27 years. We enjoyed a date on that day.
It's been a year and a day since I last posted. First off, I have to admit I haven't been has happy with someone as I am now, and that includes my XW in the best of days. My lady and I have been together for 14 months. We aren't legally married, but we did have a spiritual marriage ceremony and we consider ourselves husband and wife. I can spend hours talking about how great the woman I'm with is, but I won't go there. I know at our age we seem to be perfect for each other. We've learned enough about ourselves to know we can't play games and have someone be there for us at the end of the day. We have to be real with one another, and we are.
Anyway, the main reason I decided to swing by is to let everyone know who is hoping to find hope in their marriage, even after divorce, there can be! I say this because my XW and I were very friendly during our separation and most people though we would eventually get back together. Well, we didn't. My XW continued on with the separation (14 months) and completed the divorce. As soon as the divorce went final I made the decision that part of my life was now closed and I really moved on. I had already moved to another state and was prepared to live the bachelor life.
Fast forward a year and a couple of months. My XW called me. This is not an unusual thing because we still talk at least a once a month. She mentions some mundane things about her life and then she opens up. She is incredibly sad and misses me terribly. She wonders if my current GF treats me the way she treated me. I told her she treats me well, but not as well as she did. I lied, because my lady does treat me very well. It's just "different", but I felt there was no reason to go there.
She goes on and said she now knows she made a big mistake but knows it's too late. I sat there on the other end of the line thinking if I had heard those words 15 months ago I would have probably been on the top of the world and would have rushed back to be with her. Now, I felt nothing but sadness for her. I felt no longing or wanting for her. There was definitely no love felt. After I hung up the phone I nodded my head and experienced truly what a turn of events me being a cleared LBS feels like.
There can always be hope for the LBS if the spouse walks away. The ex can come back. For me it was too late for my EX. I had moved on; happily.
Actually, it's been 14 months and a day since I last posted. Time flies when you're having fun.
RDS, thanks for stopping by and updating the board, many don't once it's finally done, or maybe once they have reconciled they stop posting (not as likely). I remember your sitch, your subject line as I recall was because things got pretty bad during the court stuff, she ended up using stuff you had said or done while trying to reconcile against you in mediation or in an affidavit perhaps, a betrayal of sorts (even though you were separated)...and then things got better but she never fully came around or opened up...until now. So weird. Did she say what prompted her to finally talk to you about how she was feeling? Also, did you ask why she didn't say anything sooner when it might have made a difference? Had she met anyone after the D? Finally, did you ever do any pursuing after the D but before meeting your new lady?
Thanks for stopping back in. It is great and important for everyone, especially the newbies, to hear stories like this. Congrats on all the positivity in your life.