Hey - here are my old threads
Part 1
My story starting with BD, me crashing at my brothers house, my early mistakes, a court date, divorce papers filed, starting to DB with my wife, some progress, starting to detach, facing down huge life changes.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2683580&page=1Part 2
My vacation plans for the kids are cancelled due to my surgery, emergency medical situation, rehab and recovery. During this time I make progress in opening communication with my W - but I also become impatient and make some DB mistakes.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2687489&page=1Part 3
Still recovering from my emergency surgery, returning to work. DB activities, dealing with some divorce related legal processes. I lose all hope in reconciliation - major sadness and depression. At the end of the thread I get flamed by people on the board for wanting to go out and date again.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2691342#Post2691342Part 4
Me getting on with life, really trying to take care of myself. I start to really GAL and make some positive changes. Guest stars take the stage to debate various political and gender issues. At the end of the thread I get hit by the dreaded Moving Day.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=11&page=1Part 5
I move back to our marital residence after my wife has moved out and taken the kids, it is very rough for me. I
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2702533
On top of all of the sadness and pain I’m experiencing with the divorce, I’m worried now about how the divorce will affect me and my family financially.
Our bank accounts are now split. My wife has rented an apartment with the kids, I will soon have to do the same. Recently child support and maintenance are being deducted from my paychecks. I think that I now about 1/3 of my take home pay will go to child support and maintenance payments.
I make a six figure salary - but I now have to basically support two households, my own and my wife’s. She made less than me, but our combined income helped us to live a pretty good life. Without her income, my lifestyle will take a major hit. I am also worried that my kid’s lifestyle has taken a major hit as well.
When we were married and combined our incomes towards a single household we were living in a luxury high rise in a very good neighborhood in my city, driving a luxury car, able to save some money. Now, I am unsure of what type of lifestyle I will be able to afford - we will definitely have to sell our house as part of the divorce, my wife moved to a neighborhood that is not as good as the one we used to live in. I will also eventually have to move to a neighborhood that’s not as good as the one we used to live in. It would probably be a good idea to sell the Audi and get a more affordable car.
Still trying to wrap my mind around this. I worked so hard to provide for my family and insure that they had the best of everything. Now everyone will have to suffer. I am thinking that I have to somehow raise my income. It will be hard because I am almost at the top of my profession and earning potential - even if I received a promotion and a raise to the next level at my company, it will only be about a 10% raise. I’m now looking into opportunities to bring extra money in through e commerce marketing as a possibility.
I hate how this divorce is limiting me financially. I will have to rise above it somehow and find some way to make more money so I can get back to living a lifestyle that I was used to - and to be able to save again. I realize now that it will take a lot of work to do this, whether I’m going to do this by working hard and getting a promotion at work, or by growing a side business to make up for ‘lost’ income. I know child support is to take care of my kids, and I know many people have it worse than me. I'm grateful for what I have but I am still very stressed about this.
My wife is primary caregiver, she has moved the kids to the suburbs. The drive to their new house is brutal, especially during rush hour, which is when I'd have to drive out there.
I used to see the kids W, Th every week, and then F, Sa, Su every other week - so 7 days out of every 14 days, which is fair. Now that they have moved so far I can only see the kids overnight W-Th and I have to bring them to school in the morning - so they have to get up earlier so I can drive them an hour to their school.
My wife's lawyer is saying that they don't want the kids to drive so much. They are proposing - instead of taking the kids overnight W-Th and driving to school - they want me to agree to just 'spend a few hours with them' Wed night - maybe doing homework at a coffeeshop or library, then drive them to their mom's home Wed night in time for bed . So their proposed child care schedule for me would be - a few hours spent with them every Wed night, then F, Sa, Su every other week. That's a total of less than 3.5 days out of every 14 days. I will see my kids only 6 days out of every month with this schedule.
This is killing me. I want to spend as much time with them as I can. I don't want them to grow up knowing their dad is there for them, and to have a real relationship with them. I don't want to be just an every other weekend dad.
The alternative is - I move closer to the suburb my wife moved to, so that the long driving is not an issue. This also infuriates me, I never wanted to live in this suburb. I hate how due to her decisions, I now have to consider living in a place I never wanted to live. FYI she is required by law to stay within 25 miles of the other parent only. She can keep pulling tricks like moving farther and farther away, forcing me to either move closer to them, or to accept less parenting time.
I'm almost ashamed to write this. Ever since I moved back to my marital residence, I have really been struggling emotionally. The divorce has really hit home, and I've been talking to my therapist about it.
My therapist has suggested that I enter an 'intensive outpatient program' at the hospital. I guess he is scared that I will ... hurt myself. I have been very blunt with him during our sessions about the despair and the suicidal thoughts (not serious, but it has crossed my mind).
This is a six week program that takes most of the day. I'm on my second day here. I don't know how much it's helping me.
Qt -
There is no shame in admitting you need help.
Do what you need to get better.
Hang in there, buddy. Everyone is here for you.
qt4x11 - You sound like you feel like a mess my friend but you'll get through this.
The most important things first. Take the suicidal thoughts seriously. I've had them myself and they scared the crap out of me too (and the people here as well). Make sure you have the local crisis line programmed into your phone - have "someome" who you can call when you get to that dark place that I've seen too.
One tool that helps me is something my IC calls "mindfulness". The key thing as I use it is to recognize thoughts as thoughs and not real. Then you need to find something real. One exercise I use is to breathe deeply and to feel the breath go all into you and through your body. A similar exercise is to take something physical like a pen, or the gear shift in your car and focus on it. Feel it, explore it. For racing thoughts I use a different technique. I use the image of a scrub-brush, or a Monty Python scene transition to wipe those out and push them aside. It doesn't work for long and I have to do it a bunch of times but it gets me through those times.
Don't let your W's L push you around as far as visitation goes. They're trying to renegotiate a deal that's already been done. I know that you want what's best for your kids but there are lots of ways to skin any particular cat - and the cat is always upset at the end so don't worry about that. Stand your ground and push them (since they're wanting the change) to come up with something better or no deal. Perhaps arranging for a cab / uber to do the shuttling might be a good idea (?) with your W paying for it.
The money stuff will work itself out. I would suggest that you consider sitting down and doing up a good budget knowing that it will change. Remember, a budget isn't a tool for saving, it's a plan for spending. And just like any plan it needs to be flexible.
You can do this ....
My wife's lawyer is saying that they don't want the kids to drive so much.
What does YOUR lawyer say?
She moved the children out of the family home. Judges usually like as little disruption to the children as possible.
Never heard of the 25 mile law. I have 50/50 shared custody and my agreement states that neither parent can move more than 10 miles from the old family home without the other's permission or the non-moving parent gets full custody.
Pretty sure I live in your state too.
Thanks darknes. Appreciate the words.
AndrewP
I have to clarify. The childcare schedule we had previously was only for the summer and it was temporary. Now that they've moved and kids are in school they're trying to negotiate a new plan.
Thanks I used to meditate a lot. I kind of lost track of it during all this craziness.
25 miles is the new law where we live. My lawyer says be thankful because a couple of years ago she could've moved them 3 hrs all the way across the state and I wouldn't be able to do anything.
The plan we had before was a temporary plan for the summer. What they are trying to do now is change the plan now that they've moved and kids are in school.
Here is more craziness. My wife's veneer of 'innocence' is starting to crack.
Some backstory: when my brother got married he gave the groomsmen a wedding present. A pretty cool silver whiskey flask engraved with: "Cheers Mother F****er!!! "
Last night I'm alone in the house and I get hungry. I decide to look in the cupboards for something to eat. I open up one of the cupboards and what do I see? Right in front of my face, I thought I had lost it. But the silver flask from my brothers wedding that says:
"Cheers Mother F****er!!! "
----------------
Also, today I withdrew money from our shared business account to pay lawyer bills. Later I am in my therapy group and I get the following shocking texts from my wife.
Wife: [censored] just withdrew another 2 grand from my business
W: Om going to scream
W: That wasnt meant for you but o am really upset
W: Sorry for the language.
Then my response
Me: Wow I am struggling too probably a lot worse than u financially
Me: I didn't know you viewed me as such an enemy now I'm really trying to do right through all of this
Me: It makes me so sad to realize how everything has changed to ... This
So, I'm basically in a state of shock about these things. To think I spend the first two months of our separation trying to be the nice guy and make it right between us. All the while she has so much contempt and hatred for me. I don't even know what I'm fighting for anymore with her. She sees me as the villain in her life and an enemy. I really think she is trying to ruin me as much as possible in this divorce.
Crazy to think that this person was my best friend and now our relationship is that or enemies.
Yes that first txt msg from her was
W: F***er just withdrew another 2 grand from my business
I'm now the guy she refers to w her friends as 'that f****er'.
So sad and crazy it has come to this.
My lawyer says be thankful because a couple of years ago she could've moved them 3 hrs all the way across the state and I wouldn't be able to do anything.
If that's the best she's got .......
I'd be getting a new lawyer.
qt4X11, dude.I feel your pain. I have EXACTLY the same issues. I am so sorry you are going through this.
The pain of D, the fear of being away from kids, the financial devastation, coming to terms with how my STBXW truly feels about me, fear of the unknown future - it's all there. It is terrible. Don't be ashamed for feeling the way you feel. I would be shocked if you didn't feel like that. You can't go around this, you can't go over this, you can't go under it. Unfortunately, you have to go through it. I will give you the advice my mother gave me when I was 5 years old: Take each day as it comes. You can't control your crazy xW. All you can do is be the best qt4x11 you can be. Regarding your suicidal thoughts: the biggest deterrent to self-harm is imagining what this would do to your beautiful children. What kind of role model would you be? what would your legacy be? How much can you endure for your beautiful children? I think it is a lot more than you think. Now is not the time to buckle under the pressure. Get as much help as you need, but be the man. You are loved by many. Don't deprive us by harming yourself. try to focus on what you do have.
tight Man hug for you (((qt4x11))). You are not alone.
your brother in arms,
RAI
PS. I change my L and within 6 weeks, there was tangible forward movement. people switch Ls all the time. Think about this.
qt4X11, dude.I feel your pain. I have EXACTLY the same issues. I am so sorry you are going through this.
The pain of D, the fear of being away from kids, the financial devastation, coming to terms with how my STBXW truly feels about me, fear of the unknown future - it's all there. It is terrible. Don't be ashamed for feeling the way you feel. I would be shocked if you didn't feel like that. You can't go around this, you can't go over this, you can't go under it. Unfortunately, you have to go through it. I will give you the advice my mother gave me when I was 5 years old: Take each day as it comes. You can't control your crazy xW. All you can do is be the best qt4x11 you can be. Regarding your suicidal thoughts: the biggest deterrent to self-harm is imagining what this would do to your beautiful children. What kind of role model would you be? what would your legacy be? How much can you endure for your beautiful children? I think it is a lot more than you think. Now is not the time to buckle under the pressure. Get as much help as you need, but be the man. You are loved by many. Don't deprive us by harming yourself. try to focus on what you do have.
tight Man hug for you (((qt4x11))). You are not alone.
your brother in arms,
RAI
Thanks RAI. I wouldn't do that. My therapist just kept asking about it and I had to be truthful and say yes it has crossed my mind. He is just very worried about me and I think he is trying to be extra conscientious with me right now.
Yeah when I think of the kids - I can't do it. When I first got to the hospital one of the questions they asked me was - 'Has any family member or close friend of yours ever committed suicide?' I think that means - because if that's true, you are more likely to commit suicide yourself. I wouldn't want to put that on my kids, ever. Or my friends and family.
The pain is just so great right now, and I feel so alone. I just can't go on like this. I have to find a way.
I'm going to share a little story with you, but first, I wanted to say I'm very proud of you for seeking help. It's not easy to do but absolutely nothing to be ashamed of That's a stand up man and dad to seek help when he needs it.
My mom and dad divorced when I was 17. My mom was bipolar, checked out from the family, former drug addict, who filled her drug addiction with gambling. My dad waited until I was old enough and left her. There was another woman. My dad was/is my rock, my everything. My mother fell apart. She went back to drugs she didn't like me much for loving my dad and having a relationship, ect.
To make a long story short, she ended up killing herself when I was 21. She couldn't handle it all, refused to get the help she needed and fell apart.
When my ex left, my D was 6 months old. I was devastated. I worked nights and I remember driving home in the morning wishing a tractor trailer would take me out. I eventually got on AD's and started seeing an IC to help me cope with all the life changes and devastation. But I loved my baby so much, I could not take her mom away. It was awful for me to live with, I could never do that to my baby. I hard fought for baby, too.
You WILL get through this. Each and every crappy part. Break it down and work through it. Don't try to think of it all at once.
Keep going for the help.
((((hugs))))
I'm going to share a little story with you, but first, I wanted to say I'm very proud of you for seeking help. It's not easy to do but absolutely nothing to be ashamed of That's a stand up man and dad to seek help when he needs it.
My mom and dad divorced when I was 17. My mom was bipolar, checked out from the family, former drug addict, who filled her drug addiction with gambling. My dad waited until I was old enough and left her. There was another woman. My dad was/is my rock, my everything. My mother fell apart. She went back to drugs she didn't like me much for loving my dad and having a relationship, ect.
To make a long story short, she ended up killing herself when I was 21. She couldn't handle it all, refused to get the help she needed and fell apart.
When my ex left, my D was 6 months old. I was devastated. I worked nights and I remember driving home in the morning wishing a tractor trailer would take me out. I eventually got on AD's and started seeing an IC to help me cope with all the life changes and devastation. But I loved my baby so much, I could not take her mom away. It was awful for me to live with, I could never do that to my baby. I hard fought for baby, too.
You WILL get through this. Each and every crappy part. Break it down and work through it. Don't try to think of it all at once.
Keep going for the help.
((((hugs))))
I'm sorry about your mom, that is such a heavy thing to put on your kids. I wouldn't do it. Your story showed me how it's something that affects your family for generations.
They put me on wellbutrin - I guess I have to wait to see if it works in a few weeks. I know you and so many other people have been through this experience and become stronger people afterwards. Why is it so hard for me? I think it has something to do with how hateful and vindictive my wife is being towards me, she really has shown her true colors. And she knows how I am emotionally and how this is probably devastating me. To think that she just absolutely does not give a f**k, it's just crazy for me to realize how much she's changed. I mean this woman was my best friend for a decade.
I remember tripping on acid once and I made a comment to my best friend about how much I appreciated having his friendship. He turned to me and looked at me with kind of a underlying menace and said, "you know, friends are really just enemies that haven't had a reason to kill you yet". I didn't freak out, but it was pretty creepy the way he delivered it.
Point is, everything you say is spot on. The love, loyalty, and friendships that we believe exist in others are really only in our minds, they are just expectations we put on others because we like to believe in them. The courts are horrible, but there is no humane way to tear apart a family and certainly not any way to avoid a decimation to lifestyle. They can't make divorce illegal because for a select few it is a safety requirement, and in addition you can't pass legislation that flies in the face of what society wants, which apparently is to abandon lifelong partnerships to chase the dragon of the dream marriage. And in general we live in a world run by capitalism which leaves many out in the cold. And even nature itself is heartless, as many animals get hunted and killed, and many others starve. Not everyone can win in life, and the universe is pretty merciless in terms of not changing to make it easier for you to accept.
But while nature and the laws of life may seem cruel and uncaring, I believe we can change that at least a little. Like I work in a corporation. By definition corporations are soulless machines that only care about making money. But as an employee I can breathe life into the corporation, making sure the people I work with feel cared for, striving to make a difference for my customers and employees, etc. Essentially I form a small bubble where caring exists. Outside the bubble it is kill or be killed, and to some extent I can't protect people from the consequences of their choices. But it's like how astronauts use artificial gravity, gravity doesn't exist in space but it does on their space station. The same way I can create a pocket in the universe where the normal rules don't apply and compassion exists. And so can you, and so can many others.
So basically, yes, the universe itself isn't bad, but it's sure not looking out for you, and horrible monstrosities exist...but there are a few people that try to put some humanity into the middle of it. Not enough to make it the world we wish it was sometimes. But it's what we can do.
Hang in there q, we need you to help make a small difference and showing your children how to do the same.
qt, bother...
Your are doing the right things...
It will be hard and you still have a ways to g, but trust me, I know the darkness that you are experiencing...
One foot in front of the other...focus on that...you will not notice the pain as you focus in this manner...
Get out of your own thread story here and see some of the neighbors...You have knowledge to offer.
But focus on support, and helpful thoughts...avoid ruminating...
Come to my thread and hang for a moment if I can support you....
My prayers are with you friend...
I pray you feel some peace tonight.
The money you withdrew was from a 'joint' account?
and in addition you can't pass legislation that flies in the face of what society wants, which apparently is to abandon lifelong partnerships to chase the dragon of the dream marriage.
People still want this dream, despite the greater than 50% odds that they will lose this bet. I really am starting to believe that the institution of marriage is obsolete and should actually be discouraged for most people.
I can't speak for women, but as a man - that's like flipping a coin with greater than 50% odds that you will lose.
One side is - the idyllic lifestyle of the nuclear family
and
On the other side is - the ultimate pain imaginable, financial ruin, heartache, grief and sadness beyond what you've ever experienced, potentially not being able to see your own children.
That's an insane bet to me. Is the reward even worth it? How many intact nuclear families are even happy? half of them?
The money you withdrew was from a 'joint' account?
Yes it's a join business account.
Did you have permission from her to take the money out? She is technically entitled to half of it. You may not agree but legally she is.
I'm the business co owner, and she takes money out all the time without notifying me. To pay for all sorts of things including her lawyers. Now that I do the same it is a problem.
My wife's problem is that she thinks the business is 'her' business, and that she is some kind of business genius. What she always forgets is that there would not be a business if I did not work so she could be a stay at home mom and work on it. And I bankrolled it for the first two years. That is why when we incorporated she agreed to make me co owner because I made it happen in the first place.
Now my wife is on her own and depends on the business more than ever for money, she is very sensitive to money taken out.
Honestly as you can see from how she has been treating me she looks upon me with nothing but contempt. What I did was perfectly legal and there's no reason anymore to worry about what she thinks.
and in addition you can't pass legislation that flies in the face of what society wants, which apparently is to abandon lifelong partnerships to chase the dragon of the dream marriage.
People still want this dream, despite the greater than 50% odds that they will lose this bet. I really am starting to believe that the institution of marriage is obsolete and should actually be discouraged for most people.
I can't speak for women, but as a man - that's like flipping a coin with greater than 50% odds that you will lose.
One side is - the idyllic lifestyle of the nuclear family
and
On the other side is - the ultimate pain imaginable, financial ruin, heartache, grief and sadness beyond what you've ever experienced, potentially not being able to see your own children.
That's an insane bet to me. Is the reward even worth it? How many intact nuclear families are even happy? half of them?
Shh...you're not supposed to tell anyone.
I guess it doesn't matter, they'll all think they're the exception.
Seriously, it is rough. The fact is that it doesn't work the way we were lead to believe when we were growing up. The idea of finding someone, settling down, loving each other, growing together, etc, it's just not how it plays out. As you say not only is the divorce rate staggering, even among married couples many are dealing with chronic infidelity, resentment, and other issues that crush any warmth.
Is this any different than it used to be? Maybe not. Maybe 100 or 50 years ago couples stayed together for financial and social reasons, but the quality of those marriages was miserable. Maybe the fragility of today's marriages is a good thing in that it forces people to step up their games, so while they might deal with a lot of loss and suffering, it might mean that they 'do the work' to make sure their next marriage is better (because if it isn't it won't last). Maybe this forces people to strive beyond mediocrity. Or maybe it's all screwed up, past and present, and that's just the human condition, and it's our expectations that we can find love that transcends human frailty that are the problem and we should just be grateful to have our destroyed hopes and dreams to enjoy before that opportunity too is inevitably taken away.
Personally I think that it's a loss. I think that right or wrong marriages are supposed to stay together. When people say idealistic things like "I wouldn't want them to stay out of convenience" or "for the children", I think to myself "Why not?" I mean, if the only reason people stayed in a marriage was because of a deep continuing feeling of love, well, not many marriages would survive. Oh, wait, they don't. Point is I think there's nothing wrong with a marriage staying together for earthly reasons. I think we're so damn spoiled and entitled that we wouldn't know a good thing if it was handed to us on a silver platter.
But what I think doesn't matter. It's the world, and we just get to live in it. How do I handle it? Well, to your point I don't have much interest in playing the game anymore. Nothing against women, nothing against men, nothing against anyone or anything...it's just as you said a really bad proposition. I don't long for a relationship, I long for a committed relationship, and until I have reason to believe there is a chance of finding it better than the 33% chance that represents the success rate of 2nd marriages (not counting those that are miserable) I don't know why I should try.
If I do, I'm going guns blazing. I thought about an online profile, I've never done online dating but if it did it would be full disclosure. Something like this:
Marriage is like trying to climb mount everest with a partner. Most marriages fail. Many more suffer infidelity and other betrayals, permanent separation, or are not on speaking terms. I have one life to live and want to make it to the top of mount everest. I am not your soulmate. I am not your everything. But I am a hell of a climber. If you are looking for someone that can get to the top of the mountain and defy the odds with you then look no further. If you're window shopping until you find someone you're 'compatible' with that makes your heart skip then that's not me. I'll wish you and your future ex the best as I pass you on my way to the top of the mountain. But if you are with me we'll make it to the top, meaning no divorce, no betrayal, and a commitment not to accept mediocrity. In return I am looking for the same. I'm sure there are a couple of things we'll need to make sure aren't absolutely exclusive such as which country to live in, but beyond that I believe it's more about what we make of it than first impressions. If you are the one that is equally fatigued by chasing the dragon and ready to build love brick by brick, shoot me a line. It won't be romantic until we are celebrating our 50th year together...
Anyway, just a funny thought I felt like sharing. But yeah, it hurts to realize that not only did you lose your M, the world may not have in store for you what you always wished it did.
So what? Well, from here you get a choice. What do YOU do? It's all about you. For me, the answer was to be the person I wished existed in the world. That meant staying loyal to my M through thick and thin, whether I felt like it or not, and conducting myself in a way that I'd always be able to look back and feel good about. I've done that, and while I've made mistakes, I have no regrets. And I'm casting my vote to make this into the world that I want it to be. One with commitment, with roots, with selflessness. And I'm trying to lead my children down that path as well. Will it ever work out for me? Maybe not. But I'll be at peace on my death bed, and will enjoy my time before that day comes.
That ad was great btw, but you'd get zero dates on plentyoffish.
For me, I'm starting to think that I am a weird and idiosyncratic personality. I'm introverted and I like being alone working on my iPhone apps or playing classical guitar. I am either overly sensitive or totally withdrawn a lot of the times. It's a miracle I even got married in the first place. Looking back at our early years I really think it was held together mostly by all the sex, which blinded her to all my flaws and weirdness. And we also got pregnant, which pushed us faster in the direction of marriage. I think if just lived together for a few years instead of getting hitched and pregnant so fast we would've split up.
That ad was great btw, but you'd get zero dates on plentyoffish.
Mission accomplished.
Get out of your own thread story here and see some of the neighbors...You have knowledge to offer.
I'd like to but I feel guilty about spending so much time on Internet message boards, the reason I'm in a 'partial hospitalization program' right now is that I was shutting down completely and having trouble dealing with my life. So I try to keep it to a minimum.
Also look at me. I am obviously handling this divorce in an epically disastrous fashion, and I failed miserably at DB no matter how much I tried. I have nothing to teach anybody about relationships.
qt,
Reaching out to others is not about so much about teaching as it is about simple support and encouragement...
Often times when we are low and in those dark places, it is because we are trapped in our heads arguing with ourself. The mind and the brain argue and tend to convince us that we are bad, that things around us are bad, etc....
Reaching out is not only beneficial for those that you reach out to, but it helps you as well.
It is much harder to feel sorry for ourselves in the moments that we are focused on others in need...
Just like the gratitude...I encourage you to try it...
Now don't get caught in the stories per se...that can be a challenge, but if you do, look for the patterns that can help dig out of the funk...
Have you read mine?
Brother, I was as low as you are...I did not actually share it all here, but lets say that what you have shared casts a dark shadow in my memory...
One other thing, I have advised you before...but do try to stay out of the conversations that lead you to view all that is bad in what you are going through...There is no value to this as your mind struggles to accept what it wants...
Dig deep...I see goodness in you...I see strength...I see light...But only you can pull these out and manifest them...You..and only you...control the final belief that your mind must hold onto...
It will not be easy...I am still in the struggle for dominance in my own mind and the committee that debates all of this...But, I know what I want and what I shall accomplish...there is nothing in my surroundings that will stop me...unless, I choose to give up and quit.
I pray for you tonight my friend...
Try it...
Tonight, give gratitude and reach out to one person in need....
And it is okay if it is for a selfish reason...to help you...but do try it.
“A particular train of thought persisted in, be it good or bad, cannot fail to produce its results on the character and circumstances. A man cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances. ” James Allen
qt,
Have you read the Stockdale Paradox by chance?
Look it up and read it...
“Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties, and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” — James Stockdale. Vice Admiral James Stockdale was the highest-ranking naval officer held as a prisoner of war in Vietnam.
Have you read mine?
Brother, I was as low as you are...I did not actually share it all here, but lets say that what you have shared casts a dark shadow in my memory...
Yeah I feel like you are handling it way better than I am - you are very positive despite all of the pain you must be going through, and you take time to reach out to others to help. I'm really grateful to have known you, it means a lot.
One thing I've realized lately in this 'program' is that my self talk is very bad right now. I tend to complain all the time and place a lot of blame on myself. What I've been doing is opening up the audio recorder app and recording positive and encouraging conversations with myself. Like I am talking to a friend who is going through this tough time, except I'm talking to myself.
I actually have been reaching out - but in my life. To the people I'm in this program with. These are suicidal people who have lost hope for one reason or another, as I get to know them, I start to care about their well being more and more.
qt,
Have you read the Stockdale Paradox by chance?
Look it up and read it...
“Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties, and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” — James Stockdale. Vice Admiral James Stockdale was the highest-ranking naval officer held as a prisoner of war in Vietnam.
So we need to start adopting the attitude of a prisoner of war now to survive this divorce experience? Oh man, I know you mean well - to think that I'm in such a grim situation right now that I have to adopt the attitude of a prisoner of war - how did it come to this? It's unbelievable - less than six months ago I was a happy family man, with a happy wife, happy kids, living in my dream home, with a stable job and all was well. How did it all blow up so quickly?
But yeah, Stockdale. I'll get through this. I guess I have to go into survival mode now ...
Drove home after group therapy, got the house ready - we’re selling it and there was a showing last night so I had to be out of the house. I had to drive to the suburbs to pick up my kids for their weekly overnight anyway. Drove another hour - 2 hours total - to pick them up and bring them home. I’m doing so much driving these days, now that I have to go to this ‘outpatient program’ every day, and now that I’m driving to pick up my kids all the time. It was a sunny day yesterday, but at the same time I was driving through a torrential downpour. Made the surrounding landscape look surreal and dreamlike.
I thought about how we used to just spend all our time secluded in our old neighborhood - which is a sequestered and upper class area of the city. Lots of parks and expenses hi rises. Lots of young families. Now to pick up my kids I’m driving through some of the shadiest areas of the city to get there. Places I’d never visit. Where they live now is nice, but not nearly as nice as where we used to live. Everything really has changed. I picked them up and kissed them and hugged them, took them out to eat and did a little homework with them before snuggling them to sleep.
I was thinking of my wife referring to me now as ‘m***f***er’. Before I used to think - how could she do this? In order for me to divorce someone I would have to really despise that person. And no matter what happened I could never despise the mother of my children. Well, looks like her feelings for me are extremely negative and contemptuous. It’s safe to say that she hates me, blames me for ruining her life and probably considers me to be emotionally abusive. I think back to the sweetness of our early years - meeting for the first time, how wonderful that was, the birth of our kids, supporting each others through parents death and major life changes. How did that pure and innocent love sour and turn into this hatred? I don’t understand it. Other than, she is pumping herself up, and likely her friends are pumping herself up - and she needs this hatred in order to get through this divorce and do what she feels is right for herself.
Nowadays when I think of our relationship has devolved into hatred and paranoia and fear - I turn my thoughts away from all the negativity of the present and I choose to think of the early sweet times. When we loved and supported each other, we understood each other and gave each other unconditional support. It makes me cry every time, but it’s a ‘healing’ sadness if that makes any sense. I feel gratitude for the gifts she brought into my life, regardless of what is going on with us right now. Those sweet times will always be a part of me, maybe one day I’ll be able to remember them and not feel all this pain, and just be happy for the memories.
So we need to start adopting the attitude of a prisoner of war now to survive this divorce experience? Oh man, I know you mean well - to think that I'm in such a grim situation right now that I have to adopt the attitude of a prisoner of war - how did it come to this? It's unbelievable - less than six months ago I was a happy family man, with a happy wife, happy kids, living in my dream home, with a stable job and all was well. How did it all blow up so quickly?
qt my friend...
This is an example of that self talk you just wrote of....
The paradox is about how to most effectively manage challenging situations...
Your view and talk is that it is a prisoner of war mentality...
Col. Stockdale was a man in a difficult situation not of his choosing...
qt is a man in a difficult situation not of his choosing...
The Colonal made a choice to do something about it and adopted a thought process to focus his mind in a place of action...
What will qt do?
I have to run but I will swing back to check in on you...
You have more power and control in this moment than you can know...
But knowing starts with a choice...
Then some actions...
I believe you in you brother
I was thinking of my wife referring to me now as ‘m***f***er’. Before I used to think - how could she do this? In order for me to divorce someone I would have to really despise that person. And no matter what happened I could never despise the mother of my children. Well, looks like her feelings for me are extremely negative and contemptuous. It’s safe to say that she hates me, blames me for ruining her life and probably considers me to be emotionally abusive. I think back to the sweetness of our early years - meeting for the first time, how wonderful that was, the birth of our kids, supporting each others through parents death and major life changes. How did that pure and innocent love sour and turn into this hatred? I don’t understand it. Other than, she is pumping herself up, and likely her friends are pumping herself up - and she needs this hatred in order to get through this divorce and do what she feels is right for herself.
She isn't doing this TO you at all...
She is doing this for herself..
She isn't doing this because she hates you, or doesn't love you...
She is doing this because she has zero clue, who the heck she is..
And she is struggling to find that out...
Yet, YOU are choosing to perpetuate the anger, by reflecting it back onto her...
She is running on pure emotion right now....
That is the norm for a WAS....
And that is also why you have to choose YOU....
Secondly...
Stockdale isn't about you viewing this as a POW...
It is the message, that your thoughts become your actions...
Whatever you think, you will be...
"I'm the business co owner, and she takes money out all the time without notifying me. To pay for all sorts of things including her lawyers."
And did you talk to her about that? Did you discuss it with your L?
"Now that I do the same it is a problem."
You've complained about her doing it before and now that she's complaining, you're making a big deal about it? Again, you put alot of burden of irritation on your W.
"What she always forgets is that there would not be a business if I did not work so she could be a stay at home mom and work on it."
Before all this started, you were perfectly fine with it. To criticize your decision to let her be a stay at home mom now shows you don't see the job of mom as being as important as what you were doing.
You spend alot of time complaining about your W and making yourself angry. You, of course, have a right to do so, but I will tell you that all it will do is fester and grow and continue to consume you. You have a choice to stop that. But you're choosing not to. You seem to enjoy contradicting what others are saying will help you to get out of your anger, and yet you keep asking for suggestions to help you feel better. I mean do you really like the pity parade you're throwing for yourself? If not, then really do something about it.
qt,
Share a thought with us that is with hope...
Dig deep and do so with genuine emotion attached my friend...
What is one positive activity that you have done today?
I'm sending positive thoughts your way. I do hope today is a good one for you. It's one step at a time and don't try to get ahead of yourself.
Hang in there brother. It's not easy. None of it.
I am in outpatient care with people that are much more hopeless than I am. Young people with their lives ahead of them that can't seem to find any hope for the future. I've come to care for them, it takes me out of myself to care for another person facing their own problems.
I have realized lately how much I have been isolated. I work from home and spent four weeks recovering from my surgery. It has been easy for me because I work from home so i could isolate from the world if I wanted, and I did. For five months now.
I've learned things in this program such as self compassion and how to be afraid and vulnerable, but also how to meditate and then face things that cause you anxiety in a responsible way. Now I have to use them as I begin the process of picking up the pieces of my life while stressful things like lawyer emails and fighting over money happen all around me.
Today I picked up a mantra that may help me forgive myself and deal with all the guilt I have for ruining my marriage:
You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. You made mistakes but in your heart you meant well and never wanted to hurt anybody.
Amen brother...
It is good to hear from you encouraging words...
My prayers are with you and your family.
I'm so happy to see the benefits this program is providing for you.
in 2013-2014, I thought the answer to my job woes were answered when I got a work from home job that I had been trying to get for 2 years. I figured the flexibility for my daughter would be priceless. Working in my sweats every day would be heaven.
Not so much. Without an adult coming home at night, I became extremely isolated. I sank into a depression. I thought I was going nuts. I was talking to Maury Povich on the TV everyday. It was bad. I got laid off 9 months in and was devastated for money reasons. But when I got my new job, I realized how much I needed the adult interaction.
Socializing with other adults is healthy and takes you out of your own head.
I bet you can be a great help to these people in your program. Maybe you all can show eachother hope for the future. That's pretty powerful
I'm still in a really dark place but I'm sort of using my time in this program as where I draw a line in the sand and say ok this is what is happening in my life right now. What can I do to make it better. im still overwhelmed and scared for the future, and I still kind of marvel at people I meet who say it's a year later or two years later and I'm so much happier now. That still seems difficult to imagine for me.
The people here, there's a lady who lost her husband who writes poetry, a girl who misses her family in China, a Ph.D. Student. There's a lady who had a breakdown at work and a guy who can't get over a woman who cheated on him ten years ago. I really can't do anything for them except be nice to them. What do I know about life.
Outside of work I continue to work on iPhone apps. I have applied to incorporate my company and I spend all my time searching for revenue stats on apptopia. It's really become an obsession of mine to grow this business so that one day I don't have to work for anyone but myself. We can start posting our next set of apps once the LLC papers go through and the designer returns with app icons.
I hang on to this dream that maybe success and money will somehow make everything better, and it will in a lot of ways. Not all ways. If this company becomes successful one day I will look back and think it was born out of heartbreak but gave me some direction at a time when I was lost.
Money will not improve your mood. Work towards happiness.
Yeah I hear you. I feel like happiness is a lofty goal right now and I'm just trying to do something productive that may help me provide for my kids and maybe contribute to society.
qt,
Hopefully you can find that happiness is a choice more than a goal...
I know that may sound like voodoo or magic as you are in a fuzzy place, but when you realize this, you will know that you can choose to be happy this moment...
and when this moment has passed you can choose to be happy in the next...
Happiness is a choice, not an outcome.
Google this...
How to stop worrying and start living...
It saved me years ago, and the lessons have benefited me through this.
"Hopefully you can find that happiness is a choice more than a goal..."
SH_ is right.
So ... hope you are all doing well. I am just updating my status here. It is not good.
I was attending 'intensive outpatient therapy' at the hospital a couple of weeks ago. I was called into work for a meeting. I thought that it was a standard status update about my current project, but I was wrong - I was let go or 'laid off' from my job. This was about a week ago. They gave me a couple of reasons:
-the company has run into financial problems due to consulting projects falling through
-also, despite the fact I've always had excellent performance reviews. Ever since my separation and divorce from my wife started in May, my performance has gone downhill.
I can't argue with that, I've been trying. But even I'll admit that I've been an emotional wreck ever since this stuff started happening to me. I think my former employers are decent people. But when you are going through a divorce you are not at your best, in fact you're probably at your worst. It's hard to focus at work. It's not like being sick - for instance, when you have the flu - you take a few days off and return to work and it's back to normal again. A divorce is something that can take months or even years to work through - and it changes you. My employers deserve a functional employee.
So I took a few days off - I spent time with the kids. I basically sat at home watching baseball and feeling despondent. But I started to call recruiters and I have some interviews lined up next week. I've been preparing for them all weekend.
I think this might be a blessing in disguise. There's a chance I may wind up with a better job, a promotion or a raise. Money is money. I could also use a change of scenery. Another blessing of being laid off is - it occurred to me that I am not sad and depressed about my wife anymore. At this point she is the least of my worries, after money, having to move to a new house, and now having to find a new job. I don't have to sit around and feel sad about her.
It also occurred to me that at this point - I could give a f**k about my ex wife. I don't want her back. At this point I'm focused on getting back on my feet, and looking towards the future.
Thanks for posting qt.
Sorry to hear about this recent development. That's capitalism for you. No loyalty. What happened to when your boss would have you over for dinner, express some concerns about you PERSONALLY, and try to find a way to get you the help you need to get through this...and as a result also maintain a long time talented employee that might appreciate that and reciprocate?
I guess that's marriages for you too. The thought of a woman bailing on her man when things get tough is about the sickest thing in the world. I know in your case this was the effect, not the cause. But in general if I think about what it is that makes me distrustful of humans it is that these days too many people treat their social life with the same short term selfishness that corporations use when they make these decisions.
Sorry to hear the bad news. Before my current ordeal, the loss of my previous job was probably the most stressful thing I had gone through. I wouldn't want it to happen again, but I see that there are much worse things in life. It's good that you have a good attitude!
I also don't blame myself. What could I have done? I was thinking about the absolute hell that I've been going through - having to live out of a suitcase for six months, my wife leaving, not being able to see my kids, my emergency surgery, having the cops called on me, losing my house. Wtf man, I'm just trying to cope. I mean I was in the hospital for a month, and then confined to bedrest for another month.
I think if someone would have come up to me and said - hey you need to buckle down at work buddy. I don't think i could have done it. I did the best I could.
Hey I’m just checking in. I lost my job about 4 weeks ago. I took a week off, during which I sat around feeling sorry for myself and watching baseball. For the past 3 weeks I’ve been on a ton of phone interviews and in person interviews. About a week and a half into it I got an offer - the problem is, the company lowballed me and I would have had to take a 10% pay cut from my previous salary. I was pretty upset and angry about this - and after thinking it over, I told them - I would like a week to think about it. I was hoping that in that week I would get a better offer from another company - but none of my final interviews in that time came through. So at the end of the week I called them to accept the job - but they told me they had to give the job to someone else.
So now I’m freaking out. I have a ton of interviews coming up, phone and in person. On one hand I’m grateful that I still have other possibilities at this point. On the other hand I’m frustrated, scared, worn out, and I wish this job hunt was over. I can’t handle it right now. There’s just too much going on in my life right now:
-I’m still in love with my wife, also I think I hate her at least on some level at this point for what she’s put our family through. Not that she cares, in fact from the way she’s treated me at least in our limited contact these days, it’s as if she hates me or is could care less about me. I’m also missing my kids like crazy, and the prospect of spending Thanksgiving away from them this year is almost too much to bear. I’m basically still an emotional wreck, I’m heartbroken, scared, lonely, sad, and lost every minute of the day.
-We have to sell our house, and I have to move out by the end of the month. I’ve had to look for a new apartment - the one I chose to sign a lease on is a really big step down from where I live now. Almost anything is a step down. I had to sign the legal papers to make the house sale final the other day, it was another arrow through my heart. We had worked for so long to buy our dream house, I planned to raise my kids in this house - now that dream is really dead.
They say that 3 of the biggest stress factors in a person’s life include: divorce, moving to a new house, and losing your job. I’m going through all 3 at the same time.
These interviews also don’t help. I’m a software developer. Our field is notorious for having a grueling and difficult interview process. I’ve had to stand in front of 5 senior developers and do binary number manipulations in my head, I’ve had to write full Java programs out with a pen an paper. In our field you need very calm and focused, and intense concentration.
Suffice it to say, I’m having a hard time dealing with interviews in my emotional state. I’m still in a state of deep depression right now. I remember I watched a video about depression during divorce in my Divorce Care group - people were saying stuff like - when I was going through my divorce, it took an hour and a half for me to shower and get ready in the morning, I’d stand in front of the mirror to brush my teeth - I’d snap out of it and realize 30 minutes had gone by while I was lost in thought. That’s how it is for me - probably worse, I was hospitalized for depression, I was in the outpatient program who had just gotten out of the ER for cutting themselves.
But I have to go on, I have no other choice. Bills are piling up, my bank account is dwindling. I have to move whether I like it or not, or whether I like the place I have to move to. I just need a job right now, preferably a good paying job at a good company. I need a steady paycheck and a routine so I can get to a stable place.
I have accepted that I’ve lost my ex wife. Right now it’s about survival for me. I have to stop this free fall that I’m on. I have to get to a place where I know where I’m going to live, when I’m going to see my kids, where I have a routine and money and can focus on nursing myself back to health. That’s it. Things are pretty grim, but I have to keep going.
Phew. Tough times qt.
I know what it means to be fatigued to the soul by this. I had the benefit of getting some parental time with my children, but that added a new layer of responsibility on top of a full time job that I hadn't had to contend with before, plus the grocery shopping, house stuff that XW used to do as a SAHM, bills, doctors appointments, etc. It was simply too much.
What worked for me is that I had a strong support group:
My DB Coach.
My Lawyer.
My IC.
My parents.
This forum.
Every step of the way I had good advice. I didn't have to solve all of my own problems. I could just follow the instructions of the experts, and do what I needed to do in front of me.
The other thing I grew strong at was living in the moment. I quit thinking expansively. Thoughts about how it would feel to go through this for years, or forever, concern about how long I could keep it up, what my life would be like in the future, etc, I just put them to bed. I started living life day by day. Day by day. Day by day. I couldn't plan my future. I didn't know where I'd live, when I'd see my kids, what my job would be, pretty much anything. But I knew what I'd be doing that day. And I developed faith that while things might not be easy, I'd handle them.
Ultimately it was this faith in myself that saved me. I learned that the road would open up and while I couldn't see my future, it would be there. Someone once said it was like driving through the fog, you couldn't see the road in front of you, but each 50 feet you'd see that the road continued a little more, and you just knew it would keep going even when you couldn't see it. And I had faith that while it might be difficult, I'd continue to find the best course of action for whatever situation arose, and while it might not be what I wanted, I'd keep being appreciative for what I still had and that would get me through.
Appreciation. That was another big one. EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY. I'd spend a few minutes really being appreciative for what I had. I even had a hypnotist make me a recording I'd listen to every morning, part of the time was about feeling the hurt I'd been in, then it would be letting go of it, little by little, then feeling appreciation for what I had, those I loved, etc, until I was almost in tears for how much I appreciated what I had, and then allowing my energy to build as my day's plans took clarity, and then I'd finally get out of bed feeling like I'd put aside my boulder of pain for the day and ready to take on today's challenge.
So- good support group, one day at a time, faith that whatever comes you'll find the best way forward, and a tremendous focus on appreciation daily for what you have in your life.
Of course you could always move to the Bahamas and operate a banana stand and get high on the beach every day. This was my fall back position if everything else went south...
Hang in and keep posting.
qt
Sorry to hear you are battling 3 things at the same time. I hope you find some peace over the next few days.
Phew. Tough times qt.
I know what it means to be fatigued to the soul by this. I had the benefit of getting some parental time with my children, but that added a new layer of responsibility on top of a full time job that I hadn't had to contend with before, plus the grocery shopping, house stuff that XW used to do as a SAHM, bills, doctors appointments, etc. It was simply too much.
What worked for me is that I had a strong support group:
My DB Coach.
My Lawyer.
My IC.
My parents.
This forum.
Every step of the way I had good advice. I didn't have to solve all of my own problems. I could just follow the instructions of the experts, and do what I needed to do in front of me.
The other thing I grew strong at was living in the moment. I quit thinking expansively. Thoughts about how it would feel to go through this for years, or forever, concern about how long I could keep it up, what my life would be like in the future, etc, I just put them to bed. I started living life day by day. Day by day. Day by day. I couldn't plan my future. I didn't know where I'd live, when I'd see my kids, what my job would be, pretty much anything. But I knew what I'd be doing that day. And I developed faith that while things might not be easy, I'd handle them.
Ultimately it was this faith in myself that saved me. I learned that the road would open up and while I couldn't see my future, it would be there. Someone once said it was like driving through the fog, you couldn't see the road in front of you, but each 50 feet you'd see that the road continued a little more, and you just knew it would keep going even when you couldn't see it. And I had faith that while it might be difficult, I'd continue to find the best course of action for whatever situation arose, and while it might not be what I wanted, I'd keep being appreciative for what I still had and that would get me through.
Appreciation. That was another big one. EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY. I'd spend a few minutes really being appreciative for what I had. I even had a hypnotist make me a recording I'd listen to every morning, part of the time was about feeling the hurt I'd been in, then it would be letting go of it, little by little, then feeling appreciation for what I had, those I loved, etc, until I was almost in tears for how much I appreciated what I had, and then allowing my energy to build as my day's plans took clarity, and then I'd finally get out of bed feeling like I'd put aside my boulder of pain for the day and ready to take on today's challenge.
So- good support group, one day at a time, faith that whatever comes you'll find the best way forward, and a tremendous focus on appreciation daily for what you have in your life.
Of course you could always move to the Bahamas and operate a banana stand and get high on the beach every day. This was my fall back position if everything else went south...
Hang in and keep posting.
Phenomenal post and advice zues!
Well stated, and thoughts that all LBS should heed...if they truly want to break the cycle of spinning and self destruction.
I’m moving from my house today into a rented one br apartment. I spent yesterday packing and throwing out stuff around the house. It was a sad and surreal experience, throwing out toys my kids left behind, old letters and some pictures. Felt like I was really clearing out the remnants of my old life. Movers are coming at 1, and I’m spending a ton of money right now just to move - security deposit, rent, movers fees, various building move out fees. I’m still out of work right now, so this is pretty stressful for me.
The job search continues, I’ve had a lot of interviews over the past month, one crappy job offer that I wound up not taking, and a lot of rejections and blow offs. I had a final interview last week, which I thought went pretty well but I wound up not getting the job. That put me in a really bad mood yesterday. Being unemployed just escalates all the stress, and financial and emotional problems right now by 100%. I’ve been thinking about the interviews I’ve had - it’s frustrating because I walk out thinking I did well - meaning, I answered all of their technical questions correctly, for the most part, and ‘kept it together’. But I’m thinking that a number of things are not working in my favor - your body language and demeanor say a lot, I’m basically trying to ‘keep it together’, hold in all of the sad and depressed emotions I’m having. I’m not exactly projecting an eager and positive demeanor. I probably come off as - someone inexplicably sad or nervous, I can’t help it. But it’s not exactly someone you’d immediately hire, however brilliant they are. I have some in person/final interviews coming up. Two on Friday, one early next week. I’m grateful that I still seem to be getting a lot of interviews, despite the time of the year. I also think I’m interviewing better lately.
I sent my wife a couple of text messages in the past week:
I know you probably despise me and that we will be divorced soon. I just wanted to apologize again if I was mean or insensitive. Please understand I never meant to hurt anyone. And if I was ever grumpy or antisocial it was because of all of the stress I had trying to maintain a job to support our family's lifestyle. I'm sorry again. I hope one day we can be at a better place in our relationship. I will always be here to help with the kids and my first priority is trying to be an honest and better and sober person for them.
And a few days later…
Please don’t do this. I love you and the kids so much, this is just breaking my heart
i’m just a wreck. I don’t want to lose my family
Even at this late stage I’m trying to get her back, although I really have no hope for a response. I either feel like I need to keep trying until this is all over.
But I also took a lot of what Zues wrote to heart. I can either face my life right now and stop this free fall that I’m in, or I can continue down this dark path. I can’t let this despair consume me, because I have kids I have to keep living for. Even if I don’t know what the future holds or feel like I don’t have any strength left.
qt my friend...
Your words show that you have a sound awareness and understanding of your current situation...
Please take action on what you know and understand...
Seek out and study the Stockdale paradox...
Knowledge is not enough...decisions to maintain a sound mind, and realistic mindset is paramount...action is key.
"It is always darkest before the dawn"
My prayers are with you.
Hey QT -
Im sorry life is throwing you a bunch of lemons all at once. I can only imagine the stresses of job searching and moving on top of all of the relationship stuff.
With that said, I wanted to give some comments on your text. My thoughts are in blue.
I know you probably despise me and that we will be divorced soon.
why are you saying you 'know' that she despises you? I dont see any benefit in reinforcing this in her mind.
I just wanted to apologize again if I was mean or insensitive.
Do you see the problem with this? You're apologizing, but you dont even know what for. Youre saying 'if I was mean or insensitive' which implies that you dont believe that you were. So how can you actually be sorry?
Please understand I never meant to hurt anyone. And if I was ever grumpy or antisocial it was because of all of the stress I had trying to maintain a job to support our family's lifestyle.
So if you were grumpy, then it wasnt your fault. This implies that it was HER fault. Also, those stressors arent going to go away if you were to get back together, right? So, what have you learned? how have you changed?
I'm sorry again. I hope one day we can be at a better place in our relationship. I will always be here to help with the kids and my first priority is trying to be an honest and better and sober person for them.
Just my thoughts. Take them for what theyre worth.
Thanks guys. Darknes- I know, those texts were not a good idea.
I've definitely gone through many dark days lately when I was just despairing and not in my right mind. It is anyways pretty late in the game and I don't think any of those things makes a difference at this point anyways. I'm mainly still trying for the kids.
Thanks guys. Darknes- I know, those texts were not a good idea.
I know they werent a good idea. You know they werent a good idea. You didnt need me to tell you that they werent a good idea (and if you read my post, I didnt even mention my opinion of sending the texts).
The point that I wanted to discuss was the content. Im sure that somewhere in your brain, there must have been a thought that it was a good idea to send them, and my guess is that at some point in the future, you are going to decide to give it "one more chance" because "who even cares at this point" or something. When you do, my hope is that you can read some of the things I pointed out and consider them. To me, your first text shows that you still arent really listening to her. Thats like throwing a hail mary, but only getting it to the 30 yard line...it doesnt even matter if you catch it at that point, you arent going to get a touchdown anyway!
I've definitely gone through many dark days lately when I was just despairing and not in my right mind.
Im very worried about you, QT. Youve said this same line several times since youve been on this board as an excuse for your behaviors. Please really look into your health. Theres no shame in asking for or receiving help.
It is anyways pretty late in the game and I don't think any of those things makes a difference at this point anyways. I'm mainly still trying for the kids.
What does 'trying' even mean to you? If you mean trying to reconcile your marriage, then you sure arent doing yourselves any favors. In my mind, one of the core DB principles is setting goals and moving towards them. How does sending texts that get you farther from your goals constitute "trying"?
Yeah I hear you. I'm worried about myself.
This might seem a bit cheesy, but I actually talked to my best friend, and I would type up the text or email I wanted to send, and send it to him first. ALWAYS. And I had to wait until he responded before I could send it to XW. And about 99 out of 100 never got sent to her, and pretty soon, I started to learn when it needed to be said, and when it was just my thoughts churning.
Also, I would say if I could sum up this battle: taking captive of every single thought. And I know that sounds massively overwhelming in a swirling head, but I would practice picking out a thought like "I wonder if XW is with OM?" and making myself stop and focus on that ONE thought. And say, "Ok, so what if she is? What can I do? How does thinking about it and worrying about it move me forward?"
Of course, I already knew the answer, but that practice of forcing myself to stop the swirling and focus on something allowed me to then discard it. And then I would capture the next thought, and do the same. And eventually, the ping-pong tournament in my head slowed down.
I received a job offer yesterday. I have not formally accepted yet because I think there is a good chance for competing offers next week. Whichever job I wind up taking should pay more, maybe significantly more, than my previous salary. I'm so grateful about this, it is a huge weight off my shoulders.
I have also moved into my new apartment. It is not the greatest neighborhood, definitely worse than my previous neighborhood - but it's ... cozy. My place itself is comfortable - I'm going to have fun setting the place up just the way I want to. I actually like being here, I can see that it could be a place where I buckle down, take care of myself and get healthy here, work hard and get my job and business in order.
Out of my 3 big problems - losing my job, stress and anxiety about moving into a new apartment and selling our old house, and the stress of the divorce - 2 are now pretty much out of the way. I just have to face the divorce. So my problems are not over, but for the first time in many weeks, many months, I feel a little bit better. I feel like things are beginning to stabilize and a path is beginning to appear to me.
I'm glad a few things are looking up and you are feeling better! You were taking on a lot of different things at once. Keep pushing
Your getting a good job (with the possibility of getting an even better one) has to be feel great. I've been following your sitch since you got here as you joined this site just about the same time I did. I haven't posted too often on your threads but I've been in the background pulling for you.
I have learned the best way...is to simply go through it...worry of things that more often never happen is the stress that can destroy us...
Keep pushing through...
Be well my friend.
Last few days have been just a whirlwind. I spent a lot of time over the weekend unpacking. On Sunday I spent the day with my kids for the first time in a long time. We were all really happy to see each other. I took them to a friends birthday party and then later ok I took them back to my new apartment. We ordered food and spent the rest of the night talking, snuggling in bed and playing video games. I'm really glad l live close to them now.
Still mildly depressed about the divorce, I'm still doing a lot better than I have been, but I still have some freak outs throughout the day over unexpected things that happen. For instance today, the guy who is buying our old house was complaining because there was a warp in the floorboards, now we get less money back in equity because they want money back for the floors. I feel like this was my fault because when I left the house I called com ed and turned off the power. The freezer defrosted and I guess started leaking. Probably my ex wife is blaming me for this f*** up. I've been beating myself up about it all day.
On the other hand I got not one but two job offers and spent the day on the phone with recruiters in kind of a bidding war. The bidding war is actually still going on but worse comes to worse, I basically just got myself a promotion and a $40000 raise. That's insane to me. I would have been satisfied with my old job making far less if I wasn't pushed by circumstance into this position.
I'm sitting here right now at a sandwich shop, and it occurs to me I just accomplished most of my major career ambitions. I tried calling my brother and a friend, no one answered. For some reason I want to call my ex wife and say something crazy like
Please don't leave I just got a job making multiple six figures.
I won't do that, they're just crazy thoughts rushing through my head. No one to talk to. Im thinking tomorrow we have our final mediation and a court date on Wed. Im still pushing through. Trying to appreciate the massive blessing that are appearing in my life and be positive. I just accomplished basically all the admittedly modest career ambitions I've ever had. I have thought about this day ever since I graduated from college, I never thought I'd spend it alone with no one to talk to.
This resonates with me - as things went downhill with SO, everything else went up. I also reconnected with kids, advanced in my career, got a $15k raise, friends reached out to me, girls flirted with me.
This should tell you something, my friend. You are doing exactly what you need to be doing; even if W is completely unaware of her own ridiculous behavior. I'm sorry, but when everything in your life is going right, and the only thing "wrong" is the WAS, then guess where the "wrong" is?
You should be proud of you! Why are you reducing your success based on who looks at it?
I guess was 'reducing my success'. I didn't mean to. I am very grateful to have some terrific opportunities thrown my way. I think a year ago I would have kissed the ground with joy. I think it's just tougher for me to appreciate things right now with all the stuff going on in my life, I feel like all of the bs of the divorce [censored] away or distracts from any good things that happen, which are already few and far between. Like today, I hit some career milestones. In the back of my mind I am thinking: oh man, I have court ordered mediation tomorrow. Damn. We just got screwed on our equity with the house sale. Oh damn, we have a court date on Wed.
I just want this to be over. At this point I don't know how we'd ever reconcile given everything that's happened. I don't think my ex wife gives a damn about me other than to collect as much child support as she can. And I don't know how I could ever get back together with my wife given she's put me through the ringer for the past 8 months.
At this point I would just be satisfied with a decent amount of time with my kids, a fair amount of child support and alimony that I know I have to pay. I'd be happy to never speak to her again aside from on TalkingParents about the kids. I just want to go to work, exercise, eat right, take care of myself. Start building my finances up again. Fix up my apartment the way I want it. Make it a comfortable place where I can learn how to live on my own, get some work done, and stabilize my life again. Have my kids over half the time, do homework with them, play games with them, take them out to eat.
I don't want to worry about lawyers or court dates or legal bills. I just want some peace and to be left alone.
I don't want to worry about lawyers or court dates or legal bills. I just want some peace and to be left alone.
You can choose not to worry.
You can work towards inner peace.
Being left alone is also a choice.
I know of the thoughts that there is no control...but with a focused effort, you can put in the work and have that which you desire.
The choice is yours.
What do you have to lose by making the choice and taking the actions?
Be well today my friend.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am reading your thread and feel so many of the same things, particularly al of the negative thoughts crowding out whatever good there is. You are a few months further along than I am and feel I am following your footsteps.
You don't want to follow in my footsteps.
I haven’t written in a long time. I’ve moved to a new apartment and started a new job. I also started exercising at the gym. The holidays came and went, actually Christmas was not so bad. The kids were with me, I think if they weren’t with me I would have been a wreck. Everything is strange and new, right down to where I sleep at night and my relationship with my kids. I will write about this stuff in more detail soon probably. I’m actually trying to write less, think about depressing stuff like this less, and try to focus on positive things most of the time. Doing good at work, focusing on my kids when I’m with them. Being nice to people, doing things that are good for me like working out.
I had a dream last night about my wife. I dreamt I called her and asked her to talk in person - but she was surrounded by people who were telling her 'not to talk to that [censored]’. So I asked her on the phone - how you could blow up our lives like this, without even giving us the chance to work on our problems. Even if she felt she needed to do it, at least talk to me about it. As it is right now, I’m still without closure, and I think that’s why I dream about asking for some type of closure in my dreams. In my dream I think she hangs up or someone pulls her away, or the dream ends abruptly. I don’t get closure even in my dreams.
In my real life, if I ask my ex wife why she did this crap without even talking to me about it first - I would get the same non answers. Maybe she doesn’t even know why she was compelled to push this thing through at the time. Maybe she was just so angry she didn’t even want to talk to me, or wanted to punish me for things I did. Now it’s too late to go back even if we wanted to. Too much has happened.
The latest in the case is that my wife is trying to take my kids away from me basically. I only see them 10 days a month. Since I sold my house and moved to be closer to them I was expecting to increase the amount of time I have with the kids. She sent over a settlement offer that would cut my time with the kids to less than 5 days a month. That’s like a slap in the face. What would our relationship be like if I see them even less than I do now, which is already heartbreaking as it is? I worry about my kids a lot, how they will grow up through all of this. Her position is basically ridiculous - she thinks the kids should have a ‘consistent place to sleep at night’, despite I live 5 minutes away and have as much right to have them sleep over at my house as she does. I don’t know how she could think that a consistent place to sleep at night is more important than meaningful time with a father who loves them and wants to be in their lives.
I know why my wife is doing this. It’s basically for money. The less I see my kids, the more I have to pay her in child support. So she is willing to hurt her own kids in order to angle for more child support money. This is a woman who portrays herself as a great mom on social media. And yet here she is, hurting her own kids, blowing up her family without so much even a word to try to work things out. Turning her back on a guy who has worked his a** off for 10 years and sacrificed his personal life and friends to take care of her with an extremely stressful job. She doesn’t care - without a father figure in their lives, kids are more at risk for teen pregnancy, not graduating from college, lower than average salaries, etc. It’s the single biggest handicap a kid could have growing up, not having a father figure in their lives. And it’s all unnecessary because I’m right here and I love those kids. She doesn’t care. Everything is to set herself up to go live ‘the single life’.
I’m not as bad off as I was, I’m not back in the hospital again with severe depression. I’m coping. But this stuff still scares the hell out of me. I can fight it in court - but that would mean tens of thousands more in legal fees, dragging out the case, bringing in even more lawyers and psychologists. I just want this to end. What can I do though, I have to fight this. These are my kids, what else is there to fight for if not being able to be in my own kids lives?
Tell her you'll go into bankruptcy before you'll settle for less than 50% custody.
How did you get to only 10 days custody per month?
My schedule right now, according to temporary custody agreement is -
1. Fri night - Mon morning (two weekends basically a month, 3 overnights each - so 6 overnights)
2. Overnights every Wed night, drop them at school Thurs morning.
That's 10 overnights a month. 50/50 custody should be 14 overnights a month.
What she is asking for is outrageous:
1. Pick up the kids Fri night, bring them back to hers Sun night (so 2 overnights per weekend, 2 weekends per month = 4 overnights)
2. Pick up the kids from school Wed and Thurs night every week, take them out to dinner or something - but return the to her house by 8pm so they can sleep at her house. (that amounts to less than 5 hrs parenting time a week with no overnights)
The above amounts to less than 5 days a month, only 4 overnights. I'm sure she's aware CS money is awarded based on the amount of overnights a parent has custody.
Tell her you'll go into bankruptcy before you'll settle for less than 50% custody.
I would too.
I really think she is out to ruin me. I am worried sick about losing my kids. I can't sleep. I stay up all night usually the past several weeks ruminating about what could happen.
What also worries me is - she has already lied to the court during mediation.
She told the mediator - an officer of the court - that I 'never put the kids to sleep at night', therefore they shouldn't sleep at my house.
This was an outright lie. She knows full well we alternated nights putting them to sleep ever since they were infants.
If she's already lying about that - what else is she willing to lie about?
Clearly she has had some advice on how to get as much as she can from you and what to say to the court. They will lie to the court especially when there is no evidence to the contrary. Document everything. Communicate via email and text to get the conversations documented as much as you can.
I would also respond to her custody proposal and add something like the following:
"It unreasonable for you to offer so little overnights, especially after I put them to bed every other night. With that in mind it is only fair, to me and the children, to have 50/50 custody and equal overnights. It is what is normal for them"
This does 2 things. She may contradict herself in a reply in regards to the every other night issue by acknowledging it which you can show the court at the proper time. And it gives credible reason for 50/50 custody.
qt- did you ever finish reading through my threads?
I went through all of this. Perfect social media mom, SAHM for 10 years, divorced me, kept the house, then tried to get full custody to 'avoid disrupting the kids'. Also has refused to work a day to date. Government assistance. Concerns about my parental skills. The whole nine.
Today I have 50/50 custody of my children.
She didn't agree to it. She fought it every step. Even after the settlement she continued to bring up examples of how this was 'hard' for them.
But it stands.
I'd encourage you to read through 2016's posts. Social services and the court systems may not be perfect, but I was surprised at the voice I had as the children's father. This isn't 1975 anymore and equal rights has progressed for ALL.
qt--
I assume you are in the U.S. You need a new lawyer if the current one can't/won't fight for 50% custody for you. Unless you have a criminal record or your wife has actual evidence of any abusive behavior.
If she's just making accusations, they are just that, and a lawyer with any competence should be able to deal with that.
I believe you mentioned making a multiple-six-figure salary. You should be able to afford a very good divorce attorney.
"In my real life, if I ask my ex wife why she did this crap without even talking to me about it first - I would get the same non answers."
Really? I thought when you first came on here she was very clear. You said she told you it was because of your marijuana smoking, lying, bad temper, stress and mood swings. I don't know what part you seemed to be confused about.
Going over your threads, I don't recall, did you ever read DB or DR?
qt--
I assume you are in the U.S. You need a new lawyer if the current one can't/won't fight for 50% custody for you. Unless you have a criminal record or your wife has actual evidence of any abusive behavior.
If she's just making accusations, they are just that, and a lawyer with any competence should be able to deal with that.
I believe you mentioned making a multiple-six-figure salary. You should be able to afford a very good divorce attorney.
He's a good lawyer and he is fighting for me. I am just scared because she has already lied to an officer of the court. What else is she willing to lie about? There is a lot of CS money on the line for her.
Her lawyer is fighting dirty, I don't put anything past them. They are doing crazy s*** like - subpoenaing my work records from my last job and my current job - looking for anything they can find that will indicate some kind of character flaw.
It's just insane to me. What kind of person does this? It's hilarious to me she's convinced her whole side of the family and friends that I'm some kind of monster - and here she is doing the most greedy and reprehensible s***, hurting her own kids, for money.
qt- did you ever finish reading through my threads?
I went through all of this. Perfect social media mom, SAHM for 10 years, divorced me, kept the house, then tried to get full custody to 'avoid disrupting the kids'. Also has refused to work a day to date. Government assistance. Concerns about my parental skills. The whole nine.
Today I have 50/50 custody of my children.
She didn't agree to it. She fought it every step. Even after the settlement she continued to bring up examples of how this was 'hard' for them.
But it stands.
I'd encourage you to read through 2016's posts. Social services and the court systems may not be perfect, but I was surprised at the voice I had as the children's father. This isn't 1975 anymore and equal rights has progressed for ALL.
Hey Zeus - that gives me hope. I'll definitely look for your old posts. Thanks, hope all's well with you guys.
Clearly she has had some advice on how to get as much as she can from you and what to say to the court. They will lie to the court especially when there is no evidence to the contrary. Document everything. Communicate via email and text to get the conversations documented as much as you can.
I would also respond to her custody proposal and add something like the following:
"It unreasonable for you to offer so little overnights, especially after I put them to bed every other night. With that in mind it is only fair, to me and the children, to have 50/50 custody and equal overnights. It is what is normal for them"
This does 2 things. She may contradict herself in a reply in regards to the every other night issue by acknowledging it which you can show the court at the proper time. And it gives credible reason for 50/50 custody.
We sent over our own request for discovery - which is basically equivalent to testifying in court. Questions like - how often did qt put them to sleep? Isn't it true every other night? Did he not take them to school every day? Pick them up and take them to the doctors and activities all the time? Who actually did the housework?
If she answers truthfully the real pictures comes out - I worked my a** off, but I was far from a workaholic guy who comes home puts his feet on the couch and asks his family to serve him. I was involved as a guy working 60 hr a week could be, in addition to paying all the bills. She could lie throughout the whole thing, though. Who knows - she's obviously desperate. She's driving Uber part time I hear from the kids.
I’m still on your first thread but just some observations. I am stuck that you’re freaked out by your sitch and Zeus126 - you of all people - are acting like your typical newbie to this board:
-full of guilt, blaming the divorce entirely on yourself, still in love w your W
-brainwashed into her narrative of it’s some disfunction or addiction on your part that caused the entirety of the D
-she is not to blame for anything - ‘she’s a saint’ in your words. This is BS. You’re not perfect, but noone is entirely to blame. And let’s remember, she took VOWS. This was til death do us part, not til ‘she gets tired and not wanting to work things out, and decides to fleece you for CS money’.
-other people in the thread just as shellshocked from their own sitch, ‘thanking’ each other, spouting off DB platitudes like 180, GAL, etc. Pop culture psychology, ugh.
-Everyone acting like spiritual gurus all of a sudden, as if that will bring their X back. I wonder how many people continue this spiritual path after realizing it’s not going to change anything. They should be close to nirvana by now.
Ah I'm on the second thread now and your wife's ... episode. Looks like you realized a lot about her from that situation.
Thanks for the feedback qt. Yeah, that was a tough time. That's pretty understated but words can't really describe anyway.
The positive is that was what it took to wake me up from my denial. It's like we want our M to work so badly we feel that it is impossible for the universe to not allow our love to continue. It takes a lot for us to acknowledge that our M is over. For me these events were helpful in coming to grips with that, and realizing that I had to really detach from this person.
I then had to process an awful lot of anger. But also this is the beginning of some difficult logistical questions about managing children through this more permanently. I need to reread these threads, I swear I blocked out a lot of 2015, but my gut tells me my most significant progress was the decreasing number of imaginary conversations I had with XW in which my brain obsessed with things I wished she'd understand, or questions I wish I could ask, etc. Little by little that faded away, and my brain no longer seemed to care. That was a relief.
But, most importantly to you, I must have done some things right, because in the end I got the custody arrangement I wanted and deserved, finalized the D, and have a non-adversarial relationship with XW. My kids are safe and loved. I am hoping you can say the same things when you are a little further down the road.
" I wonder how many people continue this spiritual path after realizing it’s not going to change anything. They should be close to nirvana by now."
For a newb you sure assume alot of things. People on here use many ways to help cope. Spirituality being one of them. It's very condescending that you put those people down.
" I wonder how many people continue this spiritual path after realizing it’s not going to change anything. They should be close to nirvana by now."
For a newb you sure assume alot of things. People on here use many ways to help cope. Spirituality being one of them. It's very condescending that you put those people down.
What Bond said. GAL, 180's, spirituality, aren't platitudes. They are ways of improving yourself, to find what you enjoy, to live a life independent of your spouse which is probably something all of us forgot to do. I coped with GAL. And by GAL, I mean spending time with friends, going to the gym, doing things I enjoy. it kept me from being angry and bitter made me a better mother for my daughter, and a better me for ME.
Your only focus is getting your wife back. And it didn't work, so you are still angry and bitter.
I did not get my spouse back. I watched him marry his AP. I share my daughter with his AP. I could sulk in my bed, me angry and bitter at the unfairness of it all, but instead the higher level of understanding has saved my life. Had made it so that I have not been angry and bitter in the last 9 years. I made a life for myself and my daughter without him.
It's your choice if you want to wallow in the misery and unfairness and only DB to get your wife back. That's why you are sadly disappointed in the process.
Just to add,
I get the stress. I can imagine the custody situation is stressful. But you can get what you are seeking. Zues did, I know many who did. But being bitter and angry and condescending is going to make that path much harder.
There is a lot of change going on in your life, but a lot of it is good change. Do a little focus shifting right now, you'll see it.
Not sleeping well, I stay up all night worrying about things going on in my life. The divorce situation is very much on my mind, I wonder why my ex wife is literally trying to drain me financially and deprive me of the opportunity to spend time with my own kids. I don’t understand how someone could be so cruel, she’s not only hurting me but she’s hurting her own children. What is the motivation? Is she that angry at me that she would cause so much damage and break up the family? This is literally the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, I feel violated after all the lies spread about me, the litigiousness, dragging me to court and wasting my kids college funds on lawyers, throwing me out of my own home that I paid for, and now taking away the kids. What did I even do that was so bad? My friend L’s husband dealt drugs, cheated on her and then blogged about it, and hid a million dollar check from her - and even he’s getting treated better than me in divorce, way better.
My daughter had a breakdown today, she wanted to know why, I told her that I was going to see them more often now that I’ve moved five minutes from where they live. I told her - because they won’t let me. I told her that I miss them every day and I’m fighting to see them more often, but right now they won’t let me see my own kids 50% of the time. I told her I’m fighting, and maybe soon I can see the more frequently - but maybe I will lose and I won’t be able to see them as often. This made her cry even more. I told her if that happens and I lose - remember it’s not because I don’t love you because I love you more than anything in the world and it breaks my heart more than I can say. It’s because they won’t let me. What kind of world is this where they can drag a man out of his own home based on lies, and take away his right to see his own children? My wife can leave me and that alone is a heartbreak that will never heal - but what she’s doing now, it’s horrible. It’s the worst thing a person can do - I’d put it up there with rape and murder. Yes. People who initiate divorce for no good reason are selfish monsters.
I had a long talk with my daughter and I said, I don’t want to get divorced from your mom but she is too angry and won’t listen to me. When I got married it was forever, even if I was unhappy. Because I loved them and I made a promise. What else is there. People say ‘it’s better to divorce if you’re not happy’ - in that case, why make it ’til death do you part’? That’s hypocrisy, and it’s not right especially if there’s kids involved. If there are kids involved, then you have to try to find a way to make it work. Giving up shouldn’t be an option - otherwise don’t advertise it as being ‘forever’. I hate my wife for doing this to our kids, and for giving up on our marriage so she can ‘live the single life’ (subsidized by me). Of course she will say that I was a horrible person and I deserved it. She has to make me out to be a horrible person so she doesn’t feel so guilty about breaking up a family with small children. At this point I feel like she probably believes it.
It’s 3am and here I am, I can’t sleep again and I have work in the morning. Work … it’s actually doing spectacularly well, I won’t go into the details, other than I’ve been receiving kudos from supervisors and colleagues. That’s a great feeling. Work is going well, I’ve grown a lot closer to my kids through all of this. I’ve become a better person in a lot of ways. I told my daughter, I’ll always be here for you, they’ll have to kill me to keep me away. That girl, I don’t think I’ve ever cried in front of my kids before.
My lawyer’s been calling a lot with requests for paperwork, the way he portrays it is that - despite what even her own lawyers think is realistic and fair - my wife is stubbornly pushing this thing through. She wants to take away my decision making rights, and limit my time with my kids to 4 days a month, which is horrible. Her lawyer is asking that the court appoint a ‘Child Representative’, so here we go with … more lawyers, psychologists, judges. It’s been 9 months already. At this point I just want this to be over, I don’t even care about getting my wife back. But I have to fight to be in my kids lives. It’s going to cost a lot of money and take a lot more time now. I had a nervous breakdown over the summer and was hospitalized, I don’t know how I’m going to handle it.
Yes there are things to be grateful for. Aside from work, there are other good things. I love my new apartment, small as it is. It’s mine and I set it up pretty cool. I’ve written a ton of new mobile apps. I’ve had to learn how to do things like plan out grocery shopping and keeping better track of my checking account - both things she usually did in the marriage. I’ve started eating better and going to the gym. The social side could use some work, my friend J has been very patient with me. He keeps asking me to go out - I do sometimes but I’m never good company. I’ve been in touch with this woman I met, L, who’s now a good friend. I told L, when I’m in a better place, I’d like to hang out more. I could use a few more L’s, maybe next week when I don’t have the kids I’ll try going to a meet up group. I’m good at making protein shakes now. Me and my daughter have started a little project - I helped her set up a video gaming youtube channel, she’s basically the star and I do all of the animation and editing. Me and my son have been playing a lot of chess.
Mostly though, I’m just a workaholic. I know it’s not a balanced lifestyle but I lost my job recently because of this crappy divorce situation, maybe I’m overcompensating because I never want that area of my life to fall apart like that again. You’re right, I have to find a way to be more positive and take better care of myself. I just haven’t made that type of thing a priority lately, I’ve been pushing myself so hard.
Still here or are you still making false assumptions?
Continuing down the spiritual path . . . changes EVERYTHING. I hope you've broken through to the other side, qt.