Divorce final this week - 09/26/16 08:20 PM
We've been married for 22 years, together for 27. A year ago, my W dropped the bomb. She was done and wanted a D. Not a separation, a divorce. I didn't want it, but she was calm, clear, certain. So I embarked on a course of GAL. I stopped worrying so much about what she was thinking or doing and decided that I was going to use the opportunity to become the man I really want to be and that I haven't been for a long time.
Three months later, she did a 180. She looked at me and said, "I think I'm falling back in love with you. Who is this man? Where has he been?" Within 2 months, we had taken D off the table. We were going to give things another try.
But in hindsight, we did not treat our 2nd chance with the love and commitment it deserved. She still believed that it was largely my fault that we had ended in such a horrible situation. And so, she did next to nothing to look at her own part of the destruction of our marriage.
And yet, this May, she decided that she was done (again). I had not stepped up and she had lost all hope that I ever would. So we went ahead and filed. And now our divorce will be final this week. Since we filed, she has admitted that she did not do much to help restore our marriage in the last 6 months.
I do not disagree that our relationship had become toxic. I take full responsibility for my part of our failure. Only now, as things are drawing to a close, is she beginning to look at her part.
We are not enemies. We are not at war. Our 2 daughters are doing pretty well so far (as well as can be expected) because she and I have continued to be kind and fair with each other throughout.
I still am in love with her. And I see the inherent good in her. And I know that she is in a lot of pain. And we were both acting out of fear for so long. I'm so sad that it came to this. I may be naive, but I think we could still have a future together. If we can both grow up in the ways we need to, we could have a partnership so much better than what we had.
I ordered DR and waiting for it to arrive. But I'm wondering if the advice in it is mostly for those who are still together or are separated and not for those of us who are divorced. Is there hope even after the gavel comes down? We will be co-parents for the rest of our lives. She wants us to be good friends, but it is very painful for me to interact with her that way right now. Not because I'm angry, but it feels like she is trying to have her cake and eat it too. Even though I've been living in my own house for 2 months, she finds a way to talk to me more than once a day and even calls me "darling" and "sweetheart" (even though I had to finally tell her to stop, she hasn't).
So many mixed feelings, so many mixed messages. Sigh.
Three months later, she did a 180. She looked at me and said, "I think I'm falling back in love with you. Who is this man? Where has he been?" Within 2 months, we had taken D off the table. We were going to give things another try.
But in hindsight, we did not treat our 2nd chance with the love and commitment it deserved. She still believed that it was largely my fault that we had ended in such a horrible situation. And so, she did next to nothing to look at her own part of the destruction of our marriage.
And yet, this May, she decided that she was done (again). I had not stepped up and she had lost all hope that I ever would. So we went ahead and filed. And now our divorce will be final this week. Since we filed, she has admitted that she did not do much to help restore our marriage in the last 6 months.
I do not disagree that our relationship had become toxic. I take full responsibility for my part of our failure. Only now, as things are drawing to a close, is she beginning to look at her part.
We are not enemies. We are not at war. Our 2 daughters are doing pretty well so far (as well as can be expected) because she and I have continued to be kind and fair with each other throughout.
I still am in love with her. And I see the inherent good in her. And I know that she is in a lot of pain. And we were both acting out of fear for so long. I'm so sad that it came to this. I may be naive, but I think we could still have a future together. If we can both grow up in the ways we need to, we could have a partnership so much better than what we had.
I ordered DR and waiting for it to arrive. But I'm wondering if the advice in it is mostly for those who are still together or are separated and not for those of us who are divorced. Is there hope even after the gavel comes down? We will be co-parents for the rest of our lives. She wants us to be good friends, but it is very painful for me to interact with her that way right now. Not because I'm angry, but it feels like she is trying to have her cake and eat it too. Even though I've been living in my own house for 2 months, she finds a way to talk to me more than once a day and even calls me "darling" and "sweetheart" (even though I had to finally tell her to stop, she hasn't).
So many mixed feelings, so many mixed messages. Sigh.