Hello all! So here is my story.
My husband and I are both 27 years old we have been married for 3 years and have a 3 year old. We were together for 2 years before we got married. We got pregnant without planning for it so we got married because we were together for a long time before.
We have always had problems.... It has always seemed to me that my husband has always put his wishes and social life ahead of our relationship. Honesty is something that is very important to me and he has lied to me many times about a variety of stuff. He also cheated on me a few times during our dating years and he didn't come clean until this last winter. I went from a confident go getter kind of person to a meek little mouse. It seemed like all her cares about is spending time with his friends. I also think he is a functioning alcoholic and is also addicted to porn.
Anyways.... I tried many times to communicate with him but it seemed that my calm approach never worked and then I finally got to a place where I was mean and nasty and unkind. We got to where we would fight a lot. Fast forward to this year. He left at the end of December and then we got back together in mid February. Then he left again at the beginning of May and has not returned. He has said and still says he wants a divorce. He has not filed...he says he wants to do it as cheaply and amicably as possible. Its funny...we raise cattle and he sold two cows this spring so that he could go to a bachelor party in Vegas but won't spend the money on an attorney to get a divorce. He has said that he has filled out his portion of the paperwork and is just waiting for me to fill out mine. I don't know how divorces work but I didn't think he really needed my cooperation so I don't understand why he wants me to talk to him about the process. It feels like he just wants me to happily comply and take care of the process for him. What do I do?
We don't talk very much and there has been no physical intimacy since before he left. I have asked him if there is someone else and he says no and I haven't heard anything around town. We live in a very rural community and I kind of think that by now I would have heard at least a little something about someone else if there was someone. Anyways...if anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it. Sometimes I feel like I should just file and get it done but I don't want that.
Also, he lives in his parents basement and they completely and totally enable him. His only responsibility there is that he has to take out the trash and he shares that responsibility with his dad.
What do I do? Is it too late? Should I just file? I live in our house should I leave? Should I get something else to drive? I'm so confused.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Consider this your homework.
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Wow!!! I've got some reading to do! Thank you so much!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Oh I forgot to say in my first post that we have been separated for 4 months almost 5. i have also read The Divorce Remedy and have had two phone sessions with a counselor from here.
I just feel like he is already gone. I haven't begged in a long time...we hardly talk or see each other. I am at the last resort technique but don't what I should do to change really? It just feels so hopeless. He hasn't shown a shred of regret or second thoughts since he left. He wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole.
Also, I've had a lot of friends and family telling me to go ahead and just file for divorce myself and get it over with. They say just get it done and move on and that it will either motivate him to come back and if not I will have my answer. That just seems so wrong to me. I don't want to file because I feel like that is what he wants me to do. I want to save this. How do I approach this?
welcome. sorry you are here, you'll find some great people and get some good advice!
-cheesyt
Z-
First, I like your name. Has special meaning for me.
Two, please put a summary of your situation in your signature. Click on My Stuff -> Edit Profile. Lots of similar stories here, so having your summary at the bottom helps us remember who you are. Look at other people's signatures to see what kind of stuff people put there.
You haven't mentioned anything about your H and your 3 year old. Has he been a good father?
Regarding the divorce process -- just search the internet for "divorce <the name of your state>". That will give you some state-specific information, including "no fault divorce," which lets either spouse get a divorce without any reason.
Why does he want you to cooperate on the divorce? I believe in many states (like where I am), if spouses agree on everything (kids, money, property), then you can file for divorce by filling out a bunch of paperwork and paying a few hundred bucks. No lawyers, no nothing.
Now about what you should do -- do what you want! You don't want a divorce, at least at this point. Then do nothing. Let him file for divorce. But you're going to think long and hard about what it is that you want. It sounds like your H has some serious issues. You have to look at that with eyes wide open and decide if you still want him.
And then -- here is the part that everyone else here will hammer on -- be the best person you feel you should be. Be the lighthouse that your lost H will see. Be the lighthouse that you are proud of. Become the person that your spouse would be a fool to leave. To be honest w/ you, the odds are bad. Very bad. Most likely your D will not be busted. Odds are your spouse will never be the H you want him to be, the father you want him to be. So you're going to have to do all that mainly for yourself, for your child, and for the fact that it's the right and good thing to do.
I'm not a vet in the forum. I've got my own messed up situation, my own sorrows. Just offering my two cents.
p.s. Simple things to do: don't pursue, don't beg, argue or reason with him -- it's only going to drive him further away. Be kind but firm when you talk to him, but on the brief side. Don't spy, unless you want to stay up all night for days on end and lose a few pounds.
My husband is a very good father and always has been. However, I am not there to know for sure but his mother helps him out a lot. Once again it seems that he puts his activities ahead of spending time with his daughter. On the weekends that he has her he does spend time with her but I don't think he is the predominant caregiver.
As for the divorce I don't understand why he is taking so long. I know that he can just go file in our state but he hasn't and I don't understand why. That is my big question. In our state he doesn't need me to agree he can just go do it but yet he hasn't. And he is insistent upon we do it together. I don't understand this. I don't know if he is just lazy or what. Also, is my husband a walk a way spouse or is this a Mid Life Crisis? How do I approach this? In regards to the 180 we haven't really been talking...should I initial conversation or just basically accept that its done and move on with my life?
Why do you think the odds are so bad? I mean I know the odds are bad but its just like in this situation you don't want to hear that ya know? But it is probably the truth. Thanks.
Why does my name have special meaning to you?
Hello all! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Your name has special meaning to me because of Olivia Newton-John.
I don't know how much help I can offer. I'll read through your stream and maybe in the meantime some kind soul will give you some feedback.
Start to DB
NO
NO
I live in our house should I leave?
NO
Should I get something else to drive?
Sorry not sure why you are asking this
Perfectly Natural, it will get better as time goes by.
My general advice would be to reread my homework thread
DETACH and STFU
If he wants a divorce let him do the work.
Protect yourself financially.
Do whatever you need to do for this to happen.
Have you ever heard of AA?
Al Anon for spouses of alcoholics.
Look into attending that.
Keep posting
As for the divorce I don't understand why he is taking so long. I know that he can just go file in our state but he hasn't and I don't understand why.
Zanadoo - slow down my dear (I feel I can call you that since I'm old enough to be your Dad - hope you don't mind). I know you are in full blown panic right now and desperate for answers.
One important thing to keep in mind that was a very hard lesson for us all, me especially I think, is that you can't understand your spouse especially if they are behaving in ways that aren't in sync with how they usually behaved.
One thing I read here is where I think you need to be paying the most attention:
I went from a confident go getter kind of person to a meek little mouse.
I know that his past cheating knocked your spirits down but I need to ask you to think hard about this confident go-getter that he first fell in love with. You need to find that person within yourself again and bring her back out of the shell she's been hiding in.
Part of what is written here is that you need to become a person only a fool would leave. Personally my own opinion is that you need to be the person that you want to be. If you aren't that person right now then you need to make the baby steps and even perhaps big steps that are necessary to get there.
Do you have a support network around you? You live on a farm by what it would seem and I know from personal experience how isolating a rural existence can be. Thankfully these days there's the internet that can connect you to friends and family around the world, even random old codgers like myself.
With respect to his question on why he wants you to file together, that's probably just another way of bullying you around.
Keep in mind that as you walk this journey that there will be a lot of bumps and you might not end up where you want to be but by taking the step of reaching out for help you've done one of the most important things. You've realized that you don't want things as they are and you want them changed and are willing to do the hard work necessary to get there.
I'll just leave you with this little bit - just change the word "muscular" to "confident" in your case.
A farmer's life is full of strife. Thanks be to God I've got a muscular wife
I'll check in on you from time to time. You can do this. Farmers are tough and lady farmers are even tougher.
Sorry for the high-jack
I'll read through your stream and maybe in the meantime some kind soul will give you some feedback.
Hey doodler! I couldn't find a kind soul so I thought I'd write something. It sounds like you're starting to get to a better place while I'm still floundering around in limbo. I was thinking of you yesterday when picking up fresh-baked peanut-butter cookies from the store. I still think you're right that my W grabbed the ones you made for me and addressed to AndrewP in Canada ....
Zanadoo,
First, I have to say, I seem to relate better with the guys than I do with the gals. I don't really understand gal language.
But, I don't think your husband's problem is MLC. You were married under duress and you were both young. Piaget, a developmental psychologist, identified four stages of developmental cognition. Many people, particularly guys, don't mature cognitively until their early thirties. In other words, they're still adolescents in adult bodies.
Getting married is often scary. Getting married and having a child can be particularly scary. When you mix youth, fear and discontent, it can be a lethal concoction for a marriage.
What to do? I don't know; others are better at that. Certainly you should start applying the DR principles, doing 180s and, if you can, get a DB coach.
Ultimately, you'll have to realize that you can't fix your husband, he'll have to do that. The best you can do is work on yourself and understand that you have the internal fortitude to get through this difficult situation.
And hopefully I've stalled long enough that you've gotten some help from someone that provides better advice than I do.
Zanadoo,
First, I have to say, I seem to relate better with the guys than I do with the gals. I don't really understand gal language.
But, I don't think your husband's problem is MLC. You were married under duress and you were both young. Piaget, a developmental psychologist, identified four stages of developmental cognition. Many people, particularly guys, don't mature cognitively until their early thirties. In other words, they're still adolescents in adult bodies.
Getting married is often scary. Getting married and having a child can be particularly scary. When you mix youth, fear and discontent, it can be a lethal concoction for a marriage.
What to do? I don't know; others are better at that. Certainly you should start applying the DR principles, doing 180s and, if you can, get a DB coach.
Ultimately, you'll have to realize that you can't fix your husband, he'll have to do that. The best you can do is work on yourself and understand that you have the internal fortitude to get through this difficult situation.
And hopefully I've stalled long enough that you've gotten some help from someone that provides better advice than I do.
Thank you for your reply. I totally agree he has the brain of a teen and is trapped in an older body.
I know I can't change him...that is something he will have to do on his own. But I guess with our separation and lack of communication I feel like the 180s I am thinking of won't be enough for him to notice. I'm just freaking out
No big deal.
As for the divorce I don't understand why he is taking so long. I know that he can just go file in our state but he hasn't and I don't understand why.
Zanadoo - slow down my dear (I feel I can call you that since I'm old enough to be your Dad - hope you don't mind). I know you are in full blown panic right now and desperate for answers.
One important thing to keep in mind that was a very hard lesson for us all, me especially I think, is that you can't understand your spouse especially if they are behaving in ways that aren't in sync with how they usually behaved.
One thing I read here is where I think you need to be paying the most attention:
I went from a confident go getter kind of person to a meek little mouse.
I know that his past cheating knocked your spirits down but I need to ask you to think hard about this confident go-getter that he first fell in love with. You need to find that person within yourself again and bring her back out of the shell she's been hiding in.
Part of what is written here is that you need to become a person only a fool would leave. Personally my own opinion is that you need to be the person that you want to be. If you aren't that person right now then you need to make the baby steps and even perhaps big steps that are necessary to get there.
Do you have a support network around you? You live on a farm by what it would seem and I know from personal experience how isolating a rural existence can be. Thankfully these days there's the internet that can connect you to friends and family around the world, even random old codgers like myself.
With respect to his question on why he wants you to file together, that's probably just another way of bullying you around.
Keep in mind that as you walk this journey that there will be a lot of bumps and you might not end up where you want to be but by taking the step of reaching out for help you've done one of the most important things. You've realized that you don't want things as they are and you want them changed and are willing to do the hard work necessary to get there.
I'll just leave you with this little bit - just change the word "muscular" to "confident" in your case.
A farmer's life is full of strife. Thanks be to God I've got a muscular wife
I'll check in on you from time to time. You can do this. Farmers are tough and lady farmers are even tougher.
Thank you for your reply. I agree with you that there is no reason to try to figure out my spouse right now. I am just a thinker...my brain never shuts off so it is all I think about.
I guess I just don't know how for sure to go about getting back to what I was. He holds me living in our house and driving our pickup over my head as if I am just free loading off of him. I have a part time job and take care of our place by myself and our child by myself. I pay all the bills as well. He has no idea where we are financially and that is how he has wanted it. I have tried to include him he just tells me to take care of it.
It just feels like this is the end and I don't have the option to pursue my dreams because it will all be ripped away from me. But its felt like that for 4 months and he hasn't progressed in anyway in the divorce process so I don't know why I let my fear over take me.
It is sad... I was super cute and a bit of a firecracker when we first started dating. I could hunt, fish, ride horses, and still clean up and look like a lady. But there is something about being a new mother you feel like you can't go do like you did. I don't know does that seem odd? Or maybe it was the way he treated me I don't know.
It just feels like this is the end and I don't have the option to pursue my dreams because it will all be ripped away from me.
We can perhaps help you better if we can get know you a bit better. Tell us about these dreams.
It is sad... I was super cute and a bit of a firecracker when we first started dating. I could hunt, fish, ride horses, and still clean up and look like a lady. But there is something about being a new mother you feel like you can't go do like you did. I don't know does that seem odd? Or maybe it was the way he treated me I don't know.
Zanadoo - you need to find the "you" again that is still inside you. We have a few young mothers and pregnant gals here struggling just like you are. What might help you is to perhaps go visiting and learn who your neighbours are here on the forum. I'd like to introduce you to a very special young lady called Cherry who has lifted my spirits more than once when I've been down. You can find her current thread over at
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2705041&page=7Over on Cherry's thread you'll find other young ladies who are helping and support her just like she's supporting them (and old codgers like me). We also have a few people who've completed their journeys who've come back and given back to this community.
You are not alone. Others are going through these same fires too. You feel lost in a fog (or perhaps in your case a dust storm). I'm glad you've reached out your hand. Get to know your neighbours, learn about their stories and you will find that many of us are fighting similar fights and you will learn from them. Together we're a sort of family. Perhaps the mixed up sort, but a family nonetheless. We also have our own odd-balls, people with unusual ideas and some who just seem to write to spout off whatever sort of bile happens to be in their gut at that time (I think my in-laws fall into that camp
). If any of them come to call try to pay them no mind. There will be some people though who will ask you some questions or challenge you that you may find difficult to face so please think hard before deciding if someone who posts is being rude, or is trying to give you a bit of a shake to make you think. Sometimes it's necessary to do both.
Anyway - break time's over - back to work for a while then I need to figure out what to make myself for supper. It's just me and the cats here now while I wait for my W to complete her own journey.
PS - if you want to find the "home threads" of any of your visitors you can click on their names and select "view posts" which will show you where they've visited. Most of us have our own stories. If you have patience for a lot of reading - I tend to write really long posts full of nonsense on my own thread (I can hear you laughing from here eric!) I'm currently rambling on over nothing much at
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2705325&page=4
Hey! Thought I'd pop over after andrewp told me a little about your story. I can relate to your feelings, we are of similar age and have the same kind of man child h. Plus, both young mothers, I have a 2 year old and I'm 4 months pregnant.
I know you will feel like everything is completely hopeless or out of your hands, we all feel like that. Especially when we first get here, but you are making the right move coming here. Post, vent, let it all out in this safe place. I'm glad you've read db and had a couple of counselling sessions.
Wrt him wanting you to help with the d, maybe this is an attempt to blame shift. If you help him, he would be able to turn round and say "well you helped me", "you didn't stop me". What I said to my h, was that I did not want this, and there is no way I will help you to do any of the heavy lifting. Maybe seek an L for a free consultation (sneaky tip from me, I sought out one of the best D L's in the country, had a consultation, learnt my rights and where I stand, this meant that my h couldn't use this L due to conflict of interest). I found when I knew my rights, I felt a little more comfort that yes this isn't what I want, but it gave me some control.
I wouldn't leave the house or get a new car. Why should you? He wanted this, so he deals with the consequences.
How do you get on with your in laws? Are they supportive of you too?
You say he does see your child, how often and how are the arrangements? My h was always an amazing dad- but now he rarely see something our S. Your h is a similar age to mine, I do wonder if both our h's are freaking out at the thought of being a dad. I guess it's easier as a mother, we nurture and build that bond as soon as we are pregnant. They don't have that, and I think they can become jealous at the fact that when a baby is born, our attention goes to the baby, the father kind of gets pushed aside a little, and may get jealous that we no longer can give them our undivided attention. Your h has also run straight back to his parents, this seems to me as if he is a bit scared he has responsibilities, he isn't exactly out there in the real world, living alone paying bills etc. He also puts his social life first, this is also a trait my h has. They are living like teenagers, free to come and go as they please.
I'm not surprised that your confidence has been knocked. Learning that your spouse cheated on you is a massive confidence killer. I'll bet these girls weren't a patch on you- it would be all about how they feel, a confidence boost to them. What I do want you to do is get back in touch with the old you. Becoming a mom is a huge transition as a woman, but it doesn't need to define you. I am so much more than a mom, and I've slowly learnt how to get back in touch with me. Do you have friends/family close by? People that you can see to do a little something fun for you for a few hours, and a trusted person you can leave your child with for a few hours? Everyone here will tell you to GAL, but it's for a very good reason. A few hours out can really soothe the soul, give you a chance to connect back to you and have fun for a few hours. And the knock on effect will be positive for those around you. I was hesitant at first, thinking it made me a bad mom to leave my S with someone for a few hours, but it really doesn't, your child needs you happy and becoming that strong woman you were, she's still there- your confidence is knocked that's all.
Is there times of the day you feel sadder? I find the evenings when the little one is in bed to be worse. So I made sure to claim that bit of evening for me. I give myself a little mani/pedi, but a facemask on, watch some easy tv that won't get me thinking. Don't take me as a vain person, but I've always had a lot of attention from the males (I've never seen myself as attractive, I have some confidence issues, but others constantly tell me I'm attractive), I'm not slutty in any way/ I'm always covered, but I find since becoming a mom I feel more confident, we brought life into the world, embrace it. I still catch up on regular highlights, brow waxing etc, wear nice clothes. Again, not shallow, but it boosts my confidence and my self esteem I find, so whatever helps I do it. The added bonus is that men are visual, if you see your h, he will notice.
Sorry if I've rambled a bit. Last thing is, don't believe anything they say. This is so true, they will spew whatever is in there head at that time. Read the thread on validating, this really helps with conversations (I practice this daily with anyone I speak to). Validating isn't agreeing- but allowing them to own there feelings without saying they are right or wrong.
I know it's been said not to get your hopes up, but it's really not over until you want it to be. Think of the d as a bit of paperwork, that's all it is. It doesn't define your r at all.
First thing I want you to do is connect with you, find you again and be the best person you can be. Leave him be to his crazy behaviour, we can't control them, but we can control us. Good luck honey!
Hey! Thought I'd pop over after andrewp told me a little about your story. I can relate to your feelings, we are of similar age and have the same kind of man child h. Plus, both young mothers, I have a 2 year old and I'm 4 months pregnant.
I know you will feel like everything is completely hopeless or out of your hands, we all feel like that. Especially when we first get here, but you are making the right move coming here. Post, vent, let it all out in this safe place. I'm glad you've read db and had a couple of counselling sessions.
Wrt him wanting you to help with the d, maybe this is an attempt to blame shift. If you help him, he would be able to turn round and say "well you helped me", "you didn't stop me". What I said to my h, was that I did not want this, and there is no way I will help you to do any of the heavy lifting. Maybe seek an L for a free consultation (sneaky tip from me, I sought out one of the best D L's in the country, had a consultation, learnt my rights and where I stand, this meant that my h couldn't use this L due to conflict of interest). I found when I knew my rights, I felt a little more comfort that yes this isn't what I want, but it gave me some control.
I wouldn't leave the house or get a new car. Why should you? He wanted this, so he deals with the consequences.
How do you get on with your in laws? Are they supportive of you too?
You say he does see your child, how often and how are the arrangements? My h was always an amazing dad- but now he rarely see something our S. Your h is a similar age to mine, I do wonder if both our h's are freaking out at the thought of being a dad. I guess it's easier as a mother, we nurture and build that bond as soon as we are pregnant. They don't have that, and I think they can become jealous at the fact that when a baby is born, our attention goes to the baby, the father kind of gets pushed aside a little, and may get jealous that we no longer can give them our undivided attention. Your h has also run straight back to his parents, this seems to me as if he is a bit scared he has responsibilities, he isn't exactly out there in the real world, living alone paying bills etc. He also puts his social life first, this is also a trait my h has. They are living like teenagers, free to come and go as they please.
I'm not surprised that your confidence has been knocked. Learning that your spouse cheated on you is a massive confidence killer. I'll bet these girls weren't a patch on you- it would be all about how they feel, a confidence boost to them. What I do want you to do is get back in touch with the old you. Becoming a mom is a huge transition as a woman, but it doesn't need to define you. I am so much more than a mom, and I've slowly learnt how to get back in touch with me. Do you have friends/family close by? People that you can see to do a little something fun for you for a few hours, and a trusted person you can leave your child with for a few hours? Everyone here will tell you to GAL, but it's for a very good reason. A few hours out can really soothe the soul, give you a chance to connect back to you and have fun for a few hours. And the knock on effect will be positive for those around you. I was hesitant at first, thinking it made me a bad mom to leave my S with someone for a few hours, but it really doesn't, your child needs you happy and becoming that strong woman you were, she's still there- your confidence is knocked that's all.
Is there times of the day you feel sadder? I find the evenings when the little one is in bed to be worse. So I made sure to claim that bit of evening for me. I give myself a little mani/pedi, but a facemask on, watch some easy tv that won't get me thinking. Don't take me as a vain person, but I've always had a lot of attention from the males (I've never seen myself as attractive, I have some confidence issues, but others constantly tell me I'm attractive), I'm not slutty in any way/ I'm always covered, but I find since becoming a mom I feel more confident, we brought life into the world, embrace it. I still catch up on regular highlights, brow waxing etc, wear nice clothes. Again, not shallow, but it boosts my confidence and my self esteem I find, so whatever helps I do it. The added bonus is that men are visual, if you see your h, he will notice.
Sorry if I've rambled a bit. Last thing is, don't believe anything they say. This is so true, they will spew whatever is in there head at that time. Read the thread on validating, this really helps with conversations (I practice this daily with anyone I speak to). Validating isn't agreeing- but allowing them to own there feelings without saying they are right or wrong.
I know it's been said not to get your hopes up, but it's really not over until you want it to be. Think of the d as a bit of paperwork, that's all it is. It doesn't define your r at all.
First thing I want you to do is connect with you, find you again and be the best person you can be. Leave him be to his crazy behaviour, we can't control them, but we can control us. Good luck honey!
Thank you for this! I so needed this! He is acting like a child and doesn't want to grow up and take responsibility. And he is manipulating me into feeling like I'm doing something wrong and I'm not. He is. I guess this being the real me and finding myself is scary for me and I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. Thank you for the pep talk I so appreciate it!
As for your questions. I have great support from friends and family. His family has basically written me off. They do not talk to me or contact me in anyway. My husband gets our daughter every other weekend and on Tuesdays which I don't think she needs to spend the night on Tuesdays but he doesn't agree with me. His mother and sister are now enabling him and drop our daughter off at daycare on Wednesday mornings. He takes her consistently on his scheduled times but I don't think he takes full responsibility for her. His whole family really enables each other and his mom and dad have a very dysfunctional relationship.
Ugh, sorry that the in laws are a bit of a nightmare. This seems quite common across the board. I guess we really don't know what our spouses have told them. You don't need to be told this, as you sound like a caring mother, but just concentrate on stability, fun and love for her. My h doesn't really spend any time with our S, which is hurtful because he wakes in he night saying "daddy's gone", granted this has calmed a little recently, but I think this is because S doesn't want to go near h anymore. I just see my aim on making sure he feels no shortage of love from his mami. I keep to his routines, and love tucking him up into bed and enjoying those cuddles. It's hurtful when they are dodging their parental responsibilities, but they will truly look back and regret missing these precious years.
With regards to finding yourself again, start small. Do anything that will make you smile and connect a bit more like the old you. It could be a simple as meeting a gal pal for a walk, going for a coffee. I do various things some involving S and taking him somewhere, taking a bit of time for a pamper, or meeting my girl for dinner/shopping/coffee. Absolutely anything!
The new version of you may be a bit of the old you, but even stronger. I find I've changed slightly from the old me- but I think she's even better. I have more life experience now which makes me even stronger and wiser!
Don't listen to him, and pay no mind to him manipulating you. My ex (who I was with just before h), was verbally abussive and sometimes physically. So I know all to well that feeling of being of being blamed for everything, and living in fear of the next thing you'll be shouted at for. Just concentrate on you and your child and leave him be on his crazy train for a while. Keep your side of the street clean, and know you aren't doing anything wrong. If he begins to get angry in a conversation, just say to him that you won't speak to him while he's angry, and you will talk when he's calm and leave it at that
Start to DB
NO
NO
I live in our house should I leave?
NO
Should I get something else to drive?
Sorry not sure why you are asking this
Perfectly Natural, it will get better as time goes by.
My general advice would be to reread my homework thread
DETACH and STFU
If he wants a divorce let him do the work.
Protect yourself financially.
Do whatever you need to do for this to happen.
Have you ever heard of AA?
Al Anon for spouses of alcoholics.
Look into attending that.
Keep posting
What was the STFU one? SoI shouldn't let him make me feel guilty for living in our house and driving our vehicle?
ONJ -- sorry, that's just we old farts just having fun, taking up space on your thread. If you google "ONJ music", you'll see. I'm a product of the 80's.
STFU means don't engage him in relationship talk, don't criticize him, don't try to persuade, etc.
He moved out of your house, right? Then I wouldn't feel guilty about using any of the communal property. He chose all this. If he doesn't like it, tell him he's free to move back in.
If he's not interested in seeing his daughter at least 50% of the time, if he's not taking full responsibility while he has her ... he doesn't sound like such a great Dad to me. Sorry.
Many lawyers will do an initial consultation for a very reasonable fee ($0-200). This is a good way for you learn the basics of how a divorce works in your state, and a chance for you to ask lots of questions, so that you know what your rights are.
Be a great Mom. Be a great woman. Be a great person. Be kind but firm. If he still doesn't want you ... you deserve better.
So not this last Saturday but the one prior I agreed to meet with my spouse to talk about the divorce process. I had been holding out for a long time saying that I would not help him in any way and that I wouldn't meet with him to discuss it. I finally caved and said that I would meet and immediately he was nice to me. Before this he always acted as if he was super angry with me whenever he spoke to me or was around me. He said how he was sorry for all of the pain of this and our relationship and that this is hard for him too. But he thinks that in the long run all three of us will be better off. I just told him I would trust his decision and discuss the matter with him. We met last Tuesday and absolutely nothing has been figured out. He said he filled out his paperwork but didn't bring it with him to our meeting. He also just asked me what I wanted in regards to our property. He seriously had nothing figured out and really didn't suggest anything. I was kind and happy and I really made sure that he did the talking not me. I just listened for the most part. He brought up twice how we aren't good for each other and I just agreed with him... I was trying to go with a bit of reverse psychology on him there and to give him no ammo. And then I would quickly redirect the conversation back to talking about a divorce. Anyways...I don't know if I'm just reading into things...I probably am. But he just called the house which he really never does and wanted to talk to our daughter. When I answered the phone he asked me what I was doing and how things were going. Is that a potential bit of progress or am I just grasping for straws? He never calls and never calls just to visit with our daughter. If he had it his way the little bit that we do communicate would be done completely via text message.
ONJ -- sorry, that's just we old farts just having fun, taking up space on your thread. If you google "ONJ music", you'll see. I'm a product of the 80's.
STFU means don't engage him in relationship talk, don't criticize him, don't try to persuade, etc.
He moved out of your house, right? Then I wouldn't feel guilty about using any of the communal property. He chose all this. If he doesn't like it, tell him he's free to move back in.
If he's not interested in seeing his daughter at least 50% of the time, if he's not taking full responsibility while he has her ... he doesn't sound like such a great Dad to me. Sorry.
Many lawyers will do an initial consultation for a very reasonable fee ($0-200). This is a good way for you learn the basics of how a divorce works in your state, and a chance for you to ask lots of questions, so that you know what your rights are.
Be a great Mom. Be a great woman. Be a great person. Be kind but firm. If he still doesn't want you ... you deserve better.
Haha! All of these abbreviations have me a bit confused. Anyways... yes I would agree with you he might not be the greatest dad now that I think about it. It just seems like overall he just isn't overly responsible or feel the need to make a good choice. He almost always chooses the easy way.
Honestly after reading a few posts on here I can't believe I let him make me feel guilty for living in our house that we bought together and driving our pickup that we also bought together. Why does he always get to me?? Wow!!! Am I dumb or what?!?!?
When I answered the phone he asked me what I was doing and how things were going. Is that a potential bit of progress or am I just grasping for straws?
It could be progress, it could be absolutely nothing, it could be just him feeling a little guilty. I wouldn't place any weight on it.
Don't feel guilty. He wants to break up the family, he left his wife and girl, house and car behind -- that's all on him.
When I answered the phone he asked me what I was doing and how things were going. Is that a potential bit of progress or am I just grasping for straws?
It could be progress, it could be absolutely nothing, it could be just him feeling a little guilty. I wouldn't place any weight on it.
Don't feel guilty. He wants to break up the family, he left his wife and girl, house and car behind -- that's all on him.
Thank you for this. I am so glad I found all of you on here. Now when I think I'm going crazy I can vent and hash things out with people who totally understand what I am going through. Also, it is amazing how he [censored] me in to his manipulation. How do you stop being manipulated?
I am just a thinker...my brain never shuts off so it is all I think about.
I too suffer from this illness....
Actually I think it is a blessing, but in our situations, it can also be a curse.
This maybe why I find burying our thinker brain into material and info that can help us solve what is needed is important.
So, right now, your focus will be on you.
We are going to solve you....
Just on you...
Not him....
Not the MR....
Not him being a father....
On you!
Remember this statement.
Become the woman that only a fool would leave.We can chat more tomorrow.
Good evening Zanadoo,
You have met the welcoming committee and received much good advice today.
I have scanned your story and I am sorry you are here, but I can tell you, it is a good place to be under the circumstances.
It literally saved me...
Your question is a good one
How do you stop being manipulated?
The simple answer, is to identify when it is happening and to have pre set responses, or in worst case scenario, no response and walk away....
Simple right?
I know it is not so easy though.
I am a big believer that we have to put in much work to get through and heal after a BD, so....
I am going to give yo a little homework and ask that you share what you find and I can bounce your thoughts around with you.
What do you say to this?
If you choose to accept, I am going to ask that you google your exact question here.
you will find pages of strategies and information. Narrow down to some simple things that you can try.
Use DB principles as your guide.
Start with a beginners mindset.
Know Wha you want.
Stay out of cheerless tunnels
Experiment and monitor.
Keep track of the positive changes.
I will swing by tomorrow to see if you accept and your progress with putting in some work to heal, get stronger and manage your sitch.
Good luck.
you are in the best place possible right now.
Zanadoo - I thought I'd pop my head in before work today and see how you're doing.
I don't know if you've ever watched any old westerns but I think the Calvary has just arrived.
You'll be fine.
I'll check in again a bit later. We're all here for you now just like I'm sure you'll be there for us.
Just to add a bit of extra homework and it's a few days away but the next time that H has your daughter - go fishing, or take that gun out for a hour or two and get rid of a few varmints - 4 legged kind only please - you don't want THAT sort of trouble
Good evening Zanadoo,
You have met the welcoming committee and received much good advice today.
I have scanned your story and I am sorry you are here, but I can tell you, it is a good place to be under the circumstances.
It literally saved me...
Your question is a good one
How do you stop being manipulated?
The simple answer, is to identify when it is happening and to have pre set responses, or in worst case scenario, no response and walk away....
Simple right?
I know it is not so easy though.
I am a big believer that we have to put in much work to get through and heal after a BD, so....
I am going to give yo a little homework and ask that you share what you find and I can bounce your thoughts around with you.
What do you say to this?
If you choose to accept, I am going to ask that you google your exact question here.
you will find pages of strategies and information. Narrow down to some simple things that you can try.
Use DB principles as your guide.
Start with a beginners mindset.
Know Wha you want.
Stay out of cheerless tunnels
Experiment and monitor.
Keep track of the positive changes.
I will swing by tomorrow to see if you accept and your progress with putting in some work to heal, get stronger and manage your sitch.
Good luck.
you are in the best place possible right now.
I accept the challenge! I will get to doing my research. Thank you.
Zanadoo - Good Morning!
I hate to say it but I have one more task to add to the pile you've already been assigned. It may seem like a silly one, but trust me, this may be one of the most important things you do. Buried waay back in the reading that Cadet gave you which I encourage to get to is one important thing that made a huge change to me and may for you too.
Every day. And I mean Every day, I want you to take time in the morning to make sure you spend some time on yourself, making yourself look good. As your day frazzles you make what repairs you can as the day progresses so you are always looking your best. I'm not talking about getting all dressed up as well as you can, I'm talking about a busy young Mom who might be expecting a visit from her Uncle Andrew for a cup of tea and a chat. Milk in the cup first please with a drop of honey for sweetness.
In my case it used to be that when I was on vacation or on the weekends I used to skip shaving for a couple of days, would wear the same shirt a few days in a row and if I was working in the garden would have some stained old shop clothes that I would wear. My W never seemed to care unless I went into town in my old clothes (the rubber boots were a horror to her) so I allowed myself to be sloppy and not the best that I could be.
Now - every day even earlier this week when I was off sick - I get up, shower, shave, put on after-shave, make sure my hair looks nice and put on clean clothes that fit properly - or at least as properly as some of them do after dropping 50lbs because of stress / depression. Then I look at myself in the mirror and say "I look great today". When I started doing this I will admit it was to impress my W but it didn't take long for me to realize that I'm doing it for me.
I know it's tough with a little one but I'd like you to make this same effort. Not to impress your H (and he will be impressed) but for you. If you need extra motivation and perhaps as a joke if your H asks you why you are "dressed up" you can say that you thought your Uncle Andrew might be stopping by for a cup of tea and a visit.
Good morning! Thank you for checking on me! I will try to make sure I get up and make myself look nice. I've been doing that for a while. My husband left me in January as well and during that time I really didn't clean myself up in the beginning and then finally started and it made me feel so much better.
Do you really think he notices me anymore? He acts like he wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole. And I never notice him looking at me like he used to. Its weird...its like I'm a leper to him or something.
Andrew, I second this, I think I added this into my long welcome.
I'm a busy mom, and carer for my mil, but I always take some time to fix my hair, put on nice clothes, maybe a spot of make up and ALWAYS a good old spritz of perfume. It does make you feel good about yourself, as does a good brow wax or visit to the salon for a good haircut/colour. Though I do have elbow length hair- so it needs some extra love.
My wh has noticed, and compliments me. Even spewing he sometimes slips in there that he thinks I'm a beautiful woman. I just like to feel my best for my confidence. Him noticing is an added bonus.
I hope you're feeling a little less lost. My good friend SH gives fantastic reading and ted talks to help. And if you're one with a runaway mind it does help. My ex (before wh) was a bit of a nasty character, he was verbally and occasionally physically abussive. Looking back, I have no idea why I stayed with him, if you saw me before him and now, I was the last woman you would think would stay with a character like this. But he ground me down so that I felt like a timid mouse, after one of his episodes he would come out with apologies and ask me not to leave. I guess maybe I felt sorry for him, maybe I thought I could help him, idk.
It was only when h dropped this on me that I realised how damaged I was, and I found lots of ways to take control of my thoughts and build me back up. To be fair, a good lot of our r, my h was a lovely supportive man. Very caring (maybe a rescuer), and he helped and encouraged me to get stronger.
You will get there, a lot of patience is needed for db, it's a long journey.
Looking at you like a leper is normal, my h has looked at me like this for a while. Then there's occasions he will notice. He even came onto me and told me he finds it difficult to be in the same room as me/look at me because he still desires me in THAT way.
Personally I see it as guilt, but that's me mind reading and we all know where that gets us!
So how do you get them to not look at you like that? I had a friend yesterday tell me that they think my husband is having an affair but I really have no idea. She said that is probably why he has no interest in me. I've asked him several times but he says no...not saying I totally believe him because he isn't the most honest person to begin with. But wouldn't I be finding little bits of something or something would kind of be going around town? My friend told me to look at phone records and I don't want to snoop. I seriously don't ask him where his is or what he does and I don't spy on him. We have barely any contact.
Zanadoo,
Look back at my post about your focus.....
Mind reading....
Trying to predict the future....
Cheeseless tunnels....
Where is your focus today?
Zanadoo - A couple of important things here that may be hard truths.
I had a friend yesterday tell me that they think my husband is having an affair but I really have no idea.
Yes - your H may be having an A
No - there's nothing you can do about it unless you want to be the one pushing for a D. You can't control him.
But wouldn't I be finding little bits of something or something would kind of be going around town? My friend told me to look at phone records and I don't want to snoop.
I live in a small village myself where the rumours run rampant. Just because you're not hearing about it doesn't mean that it's not being talked about if it's happening. "The spouse is the last to know" is often true. If people push you with rumours about your H, just say "He's a big boy and doesn't listen to me any more and can make his own messes" or something of that sort.
Snooping is something that we all do and it's something that we all regret. It twists you up no matter if you find anything or not. In fact it will give you gut punches when you are least able to endure them.
Don't snoop. P.S. - Yes I do still snoop on what my W is up to myself by looking at her Facebook page and yes it hurts.
Your friends and family will all mean well and will all give you lots of advice on what you should or should not be doing. By coming here I can assume you want to reconcile with your H, reunite your little family and build a new marriage together. If people are giving you advice to not do that, then thank them kindly but say that you have made up your mind and appreciate their love and support.
One image that might help you is to imagine that both you and your H are lost in the fog. You are both wandering around in your own paths. What you need to do is to stop wandering and build yourself into a lighthouse. A shining beacon of a great Mom and a firecracker of a woman. It will take time for you to build this lighthouse. You'll need a good foundation and lay on courses of stones before finally lighting that beacon on the top. Your H and other people will probably wander by as you're doing this and think "Hey - a lighthouse!" and then wander off. He may even try to move in to the lighthouse before it's done. Once you feel confident and whole in yourself your beacon will light for all to see. Then and only then can you allow your H inside but first he'll need to make sure that he will abide by the rules of the lighthouse, not track mud on the floor and help polish the windows. Buried in the reading is the "Lighthouse Story" which I quite like. There's a corollary to it though - remember - you'll be the lighthouse, not the tugboat. Lighthouses don't run all over the island looking to be seen.
And yes - I write long stories with weird metaphors. I hope you get what I'm talking about. This is not an overnight process or a quick fix. I'm sorry my dear, but you've started on a journey that is going to take some time. How much time? No one can say.
Andrew I love all of your information! I want to become the lighthouse that you speak of but I don't really know how. I guess maybe I'm wanting it to happen instantly and that is just not how it goes. It bothers me that my husband has absolutely no interest in me and I'm not sure how to gain his attention. But maybe that isn't the point? I feel like I always try to keep myself looking presentable except last friday I answered the door right after I got out of the shower. But it doesn't seem to do anything to him. Its just frustrating.
take that gun out for a hour or two and get rid of a few varmints - 4 legged kind only please - you don't want THAT sort of trouble
This forum really needs some "like" and "love" buttons
Do you really think he notices me anymore? He acts like he wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole.
Z-- he just turned his own world upside down by leaving you and your girl, and is doing a lot of mental and emotional acrobatics to make HIMSELF feel like he isn't a total assohle. So yeah, he can't stand to look at you, because in his twisted mind you are the source of all his problems -- and you are, because it makes his conscience wake up.
At least that's what I imagine is happening.
Look, if you're not violent, if you don't have a substance abuse problem, then he should have worked things out with you like a mature, caring adult. He should have treated you with some respect, if not as a spouse and the mother of his child, then at least as another human being with deep feelings. Don't settle for anything less than that. Don't set the bar lower.
You'll see in this forum that it's very common for the one leaving to blindside the one left behind. The left-behind spouse (LHS) is baffled ... "What? But we were just very loving and affectionate?" "What? Just yesterday you kissed me so warmly." "What? We just made love last night."
Be a great Mom, Z. Be a great woman.
I'm not sure how to gain his attention. But maybe that isn't the point?
You answered your own question - bonus points!
One of the advantages that we have living in small towns is that
you don't need to gain his attention. Everyone around you will see the changes in you and your confidence and will tell him. As you shine brighter and brighter he'll see.
You've already got a good foundation that just needs a few cracks patched. That young firecracker of a woman that you once were is still inside you - you just have to chase the mouse out.
One thing to remember as well, the goal here isn't to draw him in like he's on the end of a rope. You want him to come back of his own free will because it's what he wants to do. I know you've spent time around cattle. Which cow gives the best milk? The one that walks into the parlour and munches her feed while her over-full udder is emptied? At the end of the milking she feels like she's gained something, not given it. Or the one you have to drag and kick into the stall?
When you are ready for him he'll be knocking at your door. There is a chance though that he might not, or you might decide that he's not right for you. But you'll be a stronger, better you and I'm sure there'll be a line at the door waiting to come in.
I'm not sure how to gain his attention. But maybe that isn't the point?
You answered your own question - bonus points!
One of the advantages that we have living in small towns is that
you don't need to gain his attention. Everyone around you will see the changes in you and your confidence and will tell him. As you shine brighter and brighter he'll see.
You've already got a good foundation that just needs a few cracks patched. That young firecracker of a woman that you once were is still inside you - you just have to chase the mouse out.
One thing to remember as well, the goal here isn't to draw him in like he's on the end of a rope. You want him to come back of his own free will because it's what he wants to do. I know you've spent time around cattle. Which cow gives the best milk? The one that walks into the parlour and munches her feed while her over-full udder is emptied? At the end of the milking she feels like she's gained something, not given it. Or the one you have to drag and kick into the stall?
When you are ready for him he'll be knocking at your door. There is a chance though that he might not, or you might decide that he's not right for you. But you'll be a stronger, better you and I'm sure there'll be a line at the door waiting to come in.
haha! Thank you Andrew for the farming analogies! Love it! We don't have milk cows but I totally get what you are saying. It makes me think of my husband and I trying to get a heifer to take a new calf this spring. We had her tied off by her head and her back feet to let the baby nurse. She finally acted like she had accepted the calf while she was trapped in the barn but once we turned them loose out in the pasture she wouldn't let the calf within 10 feet of her.
I think what you all are trying to say is stop focusing on my husband and focus instead on myself and my daughter. I guess I have just felt so lost and worthless for so long being with him that this "finding myself" feels like uncharted territory that I'm a little afraid of. I'm not sure how to go about it. Thank you for all of your encouraging words
I'm so glad I'm here!!
take that gun out for a hour or two and get rid of a few varmints - 4 legged kind only please - you don't want THAT sort of trouble
This forum really needs some "like" and "love" buttons
I also love this! I haven't gone out and shot anything in a long time! I used to love shooting groundhogs and birds! I was kind of a tomboy but still liked girly stuff as well and my husband never wanted me to come along when he was doing "Man Stuff" like shooting things and whatnot. I remember they had coyote hunting tournament a few years ago and I begged him to take me with him and he just said no he already had a partner that was one of his guy friends. They totally sucked out too! Haha!
Zanadoo - How are you doing on your homework from SH_ and mouse extermination?
Narrow down to some simple things that you can try.
Use DB principles as your guide.
Start with a beginners mindset.
Know Wha you want.
Stay out of cheerless tunnels
Experiment and monitor.
Keep track of the positive changes.
PS - I quite liked the name you picked too but unlike some others who are hung up on the female disco idols of their youth .... my mind went to Samuel Coleridge's poem "A Vision in a Dream - A Fragment". Yes - I'm the Uncle AndrewP from "that" side of the family
Good evening Zanadoo,
You have met the welcoming committee and received much good advice today.
I have scanned your story and I am sorry you are here, but I can tell you, it is a good place to be under the circumstances.
It literally saved me...
Your question is a good one
How do you stop being manipulated?
The simple answer, is to identify when it is happening and to have pre set responses, or in worst case scenario, no response and walk away....
Simple right?
I know it is not so easy though.
I am a big believer that we have to put in much work to get through and heal after a BD, so....
I am going to give yo a little homework and ask that you share what you find and I can bounce your thoughts around with you.
What do you say to this?
If you choose to accept, I am going to ask that you google your exact question here.
you will find pages of strategies and information. Narrow down to some simple things that you can try.
Use DB principles as your guide.
Start with a beginners mindset.
Know Wha you want.
Stay out of cheerless tunnels
Experiment and monitor.
Keep track of the positive changes.
I will swing by tomorrow to see if you accept and your progress with putting in some work to heal, get stronger and manage your sitch.
Good luck.
you are in the best place possible right now.
Hello! So my focus needs to be on me not on my marriage or my husband...thats what you're saying right? And you want me to do some research on manipulation right?
Zanadoo - How are you doing on your homework from SH_ and mouse extermination?
Narrow down to some simple things that you can try.
Use DB principles as your guide.
Start with a beginners mindset.
Know Wha you want.
Stay out of cheerless tunnels
Experiment and monitor.
Keep track of the positive changes.
PS - I quite liked the name you picked too but unlike some others who are hung up on the female disco idols of their youth .... my mind went to Samuel Coleridge's poem "A Vision in a Dream - A Fragment". Yes - I'm the Uncle AndrewP from "that" side of the family
I'm just starting to work on the homework now
We will see how it goes.
Hello! So my focus needs to be on me not on my marriage or my husband...thats what you're saying right? And you want me to do some research on manipulation right?
Yes...
Sounds simple right?
And it is...
But the task at hand will not be easy, so brace yourself...
You have a great support group here and we will be here to hold your hand, give pointers and those ever dreaded but needed 2x4's.
I'm just starting to work on the homework now wink We will see how it goes.
I look forward to hearing what you get from it and the plans.
Manipulative people need to be in control, and this desire for control often masks underlying feelings of insecurity. Manipulators often compensate by appearing to be self-confident and powerful. Their motives are almost always self-serving, and they have little regard for how their behaviors impact those around them. They need to feel superior and powerful and seek out people who will validate them by accommodating their manipulative, passive aggressive behaviors.
Your own emotions are your best tool for recognizing the problem between you and a manipulator. Examine your emotions to see if you feel defensive, shamed, guilty, angry, or sympathetic toward the other person. Do you find yourself making excuses for their behavior or compromising your own beliefs and choices to accommodate them? You may not recognize these negative feelings in the immediacy of the moment, but later when you revisit the situation, these emotions might emerge.
If you suspect you’re involved with an emotional manipulator, then now is the time to do something about it. Speak with a counselor to validate your suspicions and to see if there’s any hope for the relationship. The longer you remain in this unhealthy dynamic, the more of your authentic self you give away.
Just found this on the interwebs....wow....
So I don't know if this is want I should have done but I looked at our phone records...there was a number that my husband had been texting like crazy...it was a girl. I called it and left a message and said that I would appreciate it if she would stop talking to my husband. Then I confronted my husband and he said he was so sorry and would stop. I feel like I want to beg and plead again that we fix things. Someone help me!!
Zanadoo - Just stopping by - I hope you're having a good day. It appears you're doing a lot of hard thinking which is fabulous.
One thing that I've noticed with depressed people is that their posture will often suffer. Maybe take a few minutes and play a game with D3 of doing the old charm school trick of walking around with a book balanced on your head. It will be a bit of silly fun but I'm sure if you look in the mirror while you do it you'll see a bit of the old you in the twinkle in your eye.
I see you've done some of the homework from SH_ Have you had a chance to go visiting beyond Cherry's place? Have you done anything for you today? My W and I are a big fan of a self-help site called FlyLady (Finally Loving Yourself). One of the big things she suggests for people is to take one thing - she suggests shining the kitchen sink - and make sure you accomplish at least that every day. You can get a lot of satisfaction over small accomplishments and yes - my sink is shiny. No clue if my W has shined her's or not though.
So I don't know if this is want I should have done but I looked at our phone records...there was a number that my husband had been texting like crazy...it was a girl. I called it and left a message and said that I would appreciate it if she would stop talking to my husband. Then I confronted my husband and he said he was so sorry and would stop. I feel like I want to beg and plead again that we fix things. Someone help me!!
Sweetie - this is why we asked you not to look. All we can do is give you a big hug.
On a good note - feel proud of yourself that you stood up for yourself and for your marriage and it worked - at least for now. You were lucky - for many people that sort of thing only makes it worse when their spouse refuses to stop like mine did. No matter what though - snooping will hurt you and you've been hurt a lot already.
Part of what we talk about here is detaching and letting go. Not because we want you to stop caring but so that you can have the space and room to heal and grow without getting hurt over and over again. You still have a lot of healing and growing to do.
Your Uncle A is sending you a special "you'll be OK girl" hug.
Z--
Looking at your phone records seems fairly benign to me. Confronting your H is OK too, I think. To let him know what is acceptable or not to you. The fact that he was sorry about it says that all his talk about filing D is ... at least he hasn't completely decided. Which is good.
But here's what you have to do: decide what you're going to do if he resumes. Or if you see some other evidence that he's cheating on you. You can confront him again, sure. But then what? If he crosses that boundary, what are YOU going to do? You can't force him to stop seeing other women. What can YOU do that is within your control? I'm not saying it will come to that -- but you have to think about it, so that you don't just make empty threats. More importantly, you have to make this into something that YOU are controlling about YOURSELF, rather than you trying to control his behavior.
Simple, but difficult.
And all easy for me to say as an armchair advisor.... I know this stuff is really hard to live through.
Be an excellent person, Z.
Z--
Looking at your phone records seems fairly benign to me. Confronting your H is OK too, I think. To let him know what is acceptable or not to you. The fact that he was sorry about it says that all his talk about filing D is ... at least he hasn't completely decided. Which is good.
But here's what you have to do: decide what you're going to do if he resumes. Or if you see some other evidence that he's cheating on you. You can confront him again, sure. But then what? If he crosses that boundary, what are YOU going to do? You can't force him to stop seeing other women. What can YOU do that is within your control? I'm not saying it will come to that -- but you have to think about it, so that you don't just make empty threats. More importantly, you have to make this into something that YOU are controlling about YOURSELF, rather than you trying to control his behavior.
Simple, but difficult.
And all easy for me to say as an armchair advisor.... I know this stuff is really hard to live through.
Be an excellent person, Z.
Thank you for this. I totally know what you are saying as I am wondering the same thing. He says he will not talk to other women anymore and he does sound genuine..more genuine than I've heard him sound in a really long time but he is also quite the liar so I don't know if I should really believe it or not. I didn't really threat with an ultimatum I just said that this was crap what he was doing and that something needs to start happening and I suggested counseling and he agreed to talking with the counselor. I know I have no leverage on him so I really don't have anything to threaten ya know? I just kept telling him that no one in this world is going to love him or work as hard for him as I will and that I've proven that through all that has gone on. I made sure I said this not in a begging way but I matter of fact stern way. That could be totally wrong as well. Could I count this as my "Ask for what you want" thing?
Hi Z,
I gotta be honest with you, When you say this,
He says he will not talk to other women anymore and he does sound genuine..more genuine than I've heard him sound in a really long time but he is also quite the liar so I don't know if I should really believe it or not.
After discussing how he manipulates you and you did some homework on the subject, I am concerned.
What does a "Liar" sound like when they are genuine?...more genuine in a long time?
Reading your story it seems kind of all over the place....
Your thread title makes a bold statement.
You have read DB.
Worked with a DB coach
Requested advice here in DB forums
Here is the condensed version of all that you have been told to do....
My general advice would be to reread my homework thread
DETACH and STFU
If he wants a divorce let him do the work.
Protect yourself financially.
Do whatever you need to do for this to happen.
Have you ever heard of AA?
Al Anon for spouses of alcoholics.
Look into attending that.
Keep posting
Lets hear how you are doing this.
you do not want to open any more cans of worms....there is no benefit in this for you right now.
Leave him be and focus on you.
I am going to step back a bit in here to handle some challenges of my own, but you are in good hands with Gump and and Andrew
I'm gonna recommend that you hop over to the threads of some other superstars in here that may be able to help steer you in a proper direction.
Cherry has already been by and can give you good advice.
Phoebe will tell it to you straight but with all the love in the world.
PsySara, is the MVP's of DBers in my time here and can really give good advice.
Painter, Blu and Rose also great perspectives that you really need right now.
Not gonna lie, they will tell it to you straight, but you will understand as you progress why they do.
They also have great compassion for the struggle.
You will benefit greatly.
If I can be of help swing by my thread and let me know as I will be hiding over there for a spell...
You can do this, you have come to the right place....
Be sure to put in the work and the studying and you will know what to do.
Zanadoo - SH_ has given you some good tough love here. I just thought I'd pop over and see how you're doing this weekend.
One of the things we do, along with visiting other people's threads and SH_'s list is a great list of where you should be visiting, is "journaling". You have this safe place where you can write out what's been going on in your day. For me, I find that helpful for myself although I do feel sorry for the people who struggle through my nonsense
Today I wrote about visiting a local fair and buying honey for example.
So - what has your weekend brought for you? Done anything fun with your wee girl?
Just a quick drive by, it's the early hours here and my baby brain is slowly closing down.
Please, please proceed with caution with regards to believing that he is telling you the truth. I don't want to hurt you in any way, but through my experience, you would be amazed at the way a wayward can lie without batting an eyelid. My h will still deny having an ea, despite me seeing the evidence. So just proceed with some caution and remember the "believe nothing that they say and half of what they do". This is to protect you.
You might want to have a little read up on boundary setting too, again this is to protect you and reinforce what you will or will not tolerate, but keep in mind that the boundary would have to be something that you can follow up on, it means nothing if you just throw empty threats.
Hope you have had an enjoyable weekend with the little one, and that you've carved a little time in there for you.
Zanadoo - Just checking in on you. Do you have the tea ready?