The day before my youngest sons 4th birthday my wife sits up in bed, says we need to talk. I ask her about the spike matt that she is leaning against and offer to massage her. She says no, we need to talk first.
As you can guess this is the point that a chill runs down my spine. I sit up straight near the other edge of our bed and say: "ookay? What's wrong?"
I could try really hard here to remember the exact words back and forth, but it's been almost a month since then so I'll bring up the highlights:
1, "I have been miserable a long time and I think you have too." I agree, she's been hiding behind her phone on the couch and screaming at the kids, getting headaches from our youngests constant screaming. I've been trying to give her space from the kids and inadvertantly from me even though I would have been in her face and cheering her up before the kids were born. She loves our kids, but she told me when she started working as a preescool teacher that she needed peace and quiet when she got home.
2, "We need to separate. I saw my parents hate each other as they moved to separate bedrooms. I don't want that for us" I conversely have the opposite experience, my parents got double booked into the same apartment and fell in love by simply being near each other. Less than a year even. My parents divorced because mom was dying and dad asked her to help him get a new spouse. This is relevant, but we'll get to that.
3, "I love you but I'm not in love with you and I know the same to be true for you." To which I responded that I wasn't sure what 'in love' meant but I was absolutely certain that I LOVE HER.
Yes, I was fairly annoyed at the third point. It still feels like a nonsense statement a month later. I find it difficult to separate love from in love personally.
4, "I don't feel attractive anymore" obviously I had neglected our love like I'd been neglecting her plants. By overwatering and underwatering them on alternate weeks.
5, we had gotten too comfortable around each other and we needed to separate to find ourselves without the other. To grow as people. Almost all of that sounds good. The only thing I don't like is the separation.
6, I agreed with her that things weren't good and maybe she needed a quiet place away from the kids screaming and I sort of fell in a heap crying on my side.
Yeah.... Not my proudest moment there.
7, She asked me as she was done; "David, why aren't you fighting this?"
Suddenly my hope for the future was re-lit! She WANTED me to fight for her love. I would be in charge of fixing our emotional distance. She wanted me to pursue her. I could do this! (emotionally exhausted and not thinking straight and quite frankly the reason I wasn't fighting was because she'd given me an ultimatum a month or so earlier that I hadn't done anything about. It was still on my to do list. So I felt I'd been forewarned even if it came as a shock)
I hid my phone from her and started looking for ways to reconnect when married with kids. Found the wikihow of to make your wife feel attractive: compliments, gifts, acts of service, touching her back whenever remotely appropriate, and so on.
The next day i gave her compliments, tried to do everything around the house, didn't say I loved her, because I was confused about her definitions of love.
By the end of the day she wanted a footrubb. Glorious, I thought, we're meeting halfway.
I stuck to footrubbs, massages and clicking of backs. Seemed to be working out fairly well for a few days, until she was sms:ing her "happily divorced workmate", current best friend and future flatmate.
She looked up from the phone, saw me rubbing her (as shed asked me to do a few minutes earlier) glanced briefly at her phone again, pouted and pulled her foot away.
A day went by and we didn't even hug anymore. So I started my campaign of "accidental" touches. To make her feel attractive. After a week or so she seemed happier in general, so I felt encouraged.
A week later again she told me that she would have liked to work things out between us but that she felt disgust whenever we touched.
A week has gone by since then and I've not touched her. But suddenly she asks for a footrubb.
I feel so confused. She tells me that she wishes that she could stay, because we could live in separate rooms. Financially we could still support each other and life would be easier. But the easy descision isn't nessecarily the right one and now that she is seeing improvements in the house and in my physical appearance (I'm wearing dress-shirts when I go working at preschools now. Impractical as heck but I'd rather loose shirts than her.) it would be even easier, but the feelings are gone and the is NO WAY that they're coming back. You can't force love!
To me though, love is a choice. To be with someone in good times AND in bad even when your dreams are shattered you have someone to walk that life with that can depend on your support and you on theirs.
Looking back there is one thing that she has been asking of me that I cannot fix. I can no longer try to initiate sex or romance. I wish I could, but she won't let me.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
...she's been hiding behind her phone on the couch...
Duvae,
I'm sorry that your marital circumstances brought you here, but you've come to a good place; there are lots of good people here who can help.
Why is it that the spouses are almost always hiding behind their phone?
Doodler, that's so true. Same with my situation, always behind the phone on FB or texting non stop. Enough to drive you mad.
Duvae, I'm also sorry that circumstances find you here. Doodler is spot on that you couldn't have found a better spot w/ more supportive people. I'm sure some vets will be in here to help out. I'm still early in my situation, but can offer some advice that may help.
First, know that your situation is not unique. There seems to be a common thread amongst most folks situations and our Ws tend to follow a similar pattern. Also, there's some solace in knowing that you are not alone on an island and that others are suffering w/ you, as odd as that sounds.
Second, the more details you can share of your history w/ your W the better folks will be able to help. Stuff like your ages, how long you've been married, etc.
Third, there will be large emotional swings for you as you grind through this thing. To help control that, make sure you put a large amount of focus into yourself and bettering who you are. It's easy to lose focus on yourself when you are laser focused on fixing your MR. That's when you tend to hit the peaks of the emotional swings and that's no fun.
Hang in there bud and know that we're all here to lend a hand where we can.
Duvae, I'm sorry you are here. This is not the place I expected to find myself a year ago but here we are. I can't offer you much advice as I am also new to this site and I'm seeking advice for myself. I know it appears that you are alone, but you are not. My W also has said some of the things you mentioned. We are living under the same roof, for now. All intimacy has ended, by her demands. She has a best friend as the OM. Ironically as their friendship grew out marriage dissolved. We are emotionally, spiritually and for all purposes physically divorced now. We are not legally divorced yet but this will also happen soon. I choose to salvage our marriage. W chooses to end our marriage and destroy any hopes or possibilities of ever reconciling. This is devastating to everyone involved.
I will try to keep a watch on your situation as I think there are things that I will read and see to help with my own situation. Take care of yourself.
ROE
Hi Duvae,
Sorry you are here.
The keys to successful DB'ing are to detach, 180 and GAL. You must do these things and you must do them for YOU, not for the benefit of your W.
Despite what she is telling you (that she wants you to fight for her), pursuing her at this point will only drive her away. If she's telling you that she wants to divorce or separate, she is done. She has already checked out. The way you save your M at this point is by detaching, 180 and GAL.
Get the book and read it. Follow the rules. Read Sandi's 37 rules.
Nothing you can do at this point will "bring her back." She has to want to come back on her own. Show her what she will be missing. Become awesome to your core. Become the best Dad you have ever been.
If she's vacillating between talking about separation but at the same time wanting you to fight for her, that means she is VERY conflicted. That is a good thing. All hope is not lost. Detach, 180 and GAL. That is how you save your M.
As you can guess this is the point that a chill runs down my spine.
The last time I tried this with my H, he looked wearily at me and said, "We aren't going to have another one of
those talks, are we?"
I suppose every H hates to hear the W say, "We need to talk".
Everything your W said could have come straight out of the wayward wife textbook. In other words, it means that those same statements are so commonly said by WW's that it seems as if they read from the same script. It's b.s. for the truth behind why she wants her freedom. So, although it's serious......don't buy her b.s. excuses.
As for you not understanding feeling/being in love is different than just loving someone, it's about emotions and how that person makes you feel. It is a special "love", different than what you have for your relatives or friends. Surely, you felt something special when you were first dating your W. Women like those feelings......a lot! What some couples don't seem to realize is that it takes hard work to keep those "in love" emotions alive.
The next day i gave her compliments, tried to do everything around the house, didn't say I loved her, because I was confused about her definitions of love.
You may show
your love by doing acts of service and maybe words of affirmation. If that isn't her love language, then she probably won't respond (especially if she is wayward). If she's wayward, she won't respond to any of those types of action.
By the end of the day she wanted a footrubb. Glorious, I thought, we're meeting halfway.
You may be in for a rude awakening. She wasn't meeting you in
any kind of way by allowing you to touch her feet. She was selfishly using you. Might as well been working in a saloon giving her a pedicure. If she is a WW, you could kill yourself doing all the housework, cooking, catering to her needs, etc., .......and it won't fix the problem. This is completely different from anything you've faced.
Don't know your ages, but I won't be surprised if she isn't into playing a lot of games of manipulation. Throwing out a hook every so often, just to keep you in place.
Instead of you acting as if you are her unpaid employee, consider how you might draw her attraction in some of the same ways you did before M and kids. Let me give a hint, if she's wayward.....you won't attract her by chasing her. You won't do it by "fighting for the M".....at least, not in the way most people think it's done. Stick around and learn more.
Tell us more about your marital history. What are ages? Any previous inappropriate behavior with the opposite sex?
My wife and I were both born 1980 though her birthday is the last day of the year and mine is in march. We have 2 sons born 2010 and 2012.
Our marriage:
We met in the summer of 2004. We were in a christian theatre ministry together. When we first met the most remarkable thing was that we shook hands instead of hugging and then we talked about our lives. (It was that kind of organisation. People thrown together at random, shyness isn't allowed so people forget to be shy) she stayed behind in the house when I was being taken to my room for the night and as I stepped into the car a thought struck me much like a separate voivce speaking to me, "that is the woman I will marry."
I then spent the majority of the summer avoiding her because... Commitment was scary I guess. Anyway, we left on tour (separate groups) engineered it so we spent christmas together and I proposed the day after her birthday.
Then came back for one more tour, this time too was separate in spite of company policy of keeping engaged people together.
We married on august 9th 2005 on practically no budget, family pitched in to help in all sorts of ways and the wedding was really nice.
Half a week after the wedding we moved to a small island off the coast of sweden and I went to university to become a gameprogramer. She studied Swedish and started working part-time in a cafeteria.
Once my studies were done 2009 we moved to landskrona (south tip of sweden) were I tried to find a job for a few years. My wife started studying to become a preschool teacher in 2011. Got pregnant with our youngest and I started studying to become a preschool teacher myself.
Our youngest had colic (screamed almost constantly) and my wife had yet again started a part-time job as a hungarian teacher (paid enoug to buy the ticket to get to the job and back)
So evwn though I was studying and she was still on maternity-leave from studying we separated our beds, I slept with our youngest and she slept with our older calmer son.
I remember that in the beginning we both had fears about losing closeness, but we'd persevere, nothing would tear us apart.
The summer of 2012 my wife joined me in school, left her job and we had a lot of fun. Summer of 2013 we moved our beds back together and... Sex was underwhelming. Mechanical at best. And my wifes period which previously lasted 3 days like clockwork now had week of pms, 1 week of severe bleeding and 1 week of light bleeding, leaving 1 week open for sex before the cycle would restart. The doctors weren't worried. This would lessen by itself.
Looking back this is were I started masturbating quite a bit. I was and still am ashamed of it, but a 1 week window per month is..... not good.
We wrote our thesis together in the summer of 2015. Graduated end of january 2016 and my wife immediately got a jobb whilst now, september 2016 I'm still looking for work, in a field were they're desperate for workers. Especially educated workers.
Add to this that my wife feels shoved aside and underappreciated at her jobb and I suggested that she reach out to her coworkers instead of switching jobbs withing 2 months like her 10 predessesors.
And shortly after I was literally garanteed a job by the employer (we were already celebrating at home) and then got slamdunked with a "we hired someone more qualified, sorry". Shortly after that she demanded that I initiate sex. Something I definetly used to do before our youngest child was born but now felt I could no longer keep track of my window of opportunity.
No time limit was put on this demand, but I still felt like I'd failed her when she told me she wasn't in love with me.
Addendum to my previous post.
My wife has in the beginning of this summer gotten pills that have fixed her period somewhat (now down to 1 week & 1/2 to 2 weeks) which may also have increased her sexdrive somewhat.
And for the last 2 years I may have spent more time with the kids than her, mostly to gice her "peace and quiet"
It's not like I can't see a clear cause and effect going on as I look at what I wrote. I didn't initiate sex! There's a few orher things, like I didn't redo the walls in the dining room for 6 years (bothof us we very vocal about our current apartment being temporary... For 6 years!) and I didn't dress as nicely as when we for married
Actually that's wrong, at one time I did initiate this summer, but she claimed that she was the one to do so due to the inviting pose that she had. I am still a bit hung up about this.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Uhm.... Yeah, my youngest child fished the book out from it's hiding place and waved it in front of my wife one afternoon when I wasn't there. I had only gotten about halfway, up to the point where Michelle is explaining how everything works and why were at this point. Which honestly made more sense than the explanations my wife kept feeding me. That part of the book got me out of the constantly asking questions. I told her this snd that the main advice seems to be to GAL and take care of yourself first and foremost. Add in a sprinkle of genuine frustration because... I know it's stupid, but I was halfway expecting a magical mystery quick fix. Anyway, she got an annoyed questioning look in her eyes and seemed to let it go.
If she finds out about me posting on these forums I will tell her that it feels feels like a support group for the LBS. And I know I will be genuine when I say that. One thing my wife values VERY highly is honesty.
One thing my wife values VERY highly is honesty.
That may have been true in the past however I would stick with the advice of believing NOTHING she says and half of what she does.
Well, yes. She may not or may not value honesty anymore. But my explanation if she finds this forum on my phone is still valid. To be avoided, sure. But unless she looks at my phone when I sleep. (I get up earlier and go to bed later and take care of the kids when they cry at night.)
...
...
I need sleep.
Since at least 4 years back:
Laundry
Dishes
Vacuuming
Putting kids to bed
Taking kids to school/preschool
Picking kids up from preschool/school
Buying groceries
Now:
Cooking
Cleaning bathroom
Watering her plants as needed (asked to before, finally getting the hang of it, may be overwatering)
Painting walls
It's going to be interesting to hear how she handles having the kids in her friends "nice apartment with crystal and glass things everywhere"
I can see why she didn't want to bring our youngest there.
At least her friend and I agree that either both kids go there or neither does.
I'm just not convinced that she, her friend and the kids can handle a full week over there.
There's also an OM of sorts now. By the descriptions of his actions it feels like he wants to be a supportive friend and nothing more.
There's also an OM of sorts now. By the descriptions of his actions it feels like he wants to be a supportive friend and nothing more.
Um yeah, he'll be supportive. He's probably been around longer than you think.
Hej! Sorry you are here! welcome to the board.
Hi Hej,
sorry you are here. For me, all of those reasons, all of those things you did wrong, etc.-- it's all a reinvention of history. That's what people who feel guilty do-- blame you for all that you did wrong. My advice to you is not to argue about those re-invented history points! I would think these untrue points are bothering you, but they aren't the problem.
There's also an OM of sorts now. By the descriptions of his actions it feels like he wants to be a supportive friend and nothing more.
Um yeah, he'll be supportive. He's probably been around longer than you think.
I agree here. He's been around longer than you think and she's most likely been using him as a sounding board for all her "issues" with the marriage. Be careful, supportive for her is not necessarily in the marriage's best interest.
Well, now my parents and all our friends in the church have been at her request. She is going to make an announcement this weekend on facebook (requesting that people respect "our" descision. Told her that if she changed the "our" to my I'd tell them) and didn't want any shocked outcries replies and emails afterwards.
Of course, if any of these people that she cares about reply in any fashion she has told me that she'll turn the phone off or delete the reply as appropriate.
(')_(')
Why then does she care that they know from me in a caring fashion?
Oh well it is done.
Since at least 4 years back:
Laundry
Dishes
Vacuuming
Putting kids to bed
Taking kids to school/preschool
Picking kids up from preschool/school
Buying groceries
Now:
Cooking
Cleaning bathroom
Watering her plants as needed (asked to before, finally getting the hang of it, may be overwatering)
Painting walls
It's going to be interesting to hear how she handles having the kids in her friends "nice apartment with crystal and glass things everywhere"
I can see why she didn't want to bring our youngest there.
At least her friend and I agree that either both kids go there or neither does.
I'm just not convinced that she, her friend and the kids can handle a full week over there.
There's also an OM of sorts now. By the descriptions of his actions it feels like he wants to be a supportive friend and nothing more.
My wife has in the beginning of this summer gotten pills that have fixed her period somewhat (now down to 1 week & 1/2 to 2 weeks) which may also have increased her sexdrive somewhat.
You mean that every month her periods were lasting up to 2 weeks? How long has she had that problem?
Is this doctor that prescribed the pills, a hormone specialist?
Ok history of OM as far as I am aware. She works in a preschool that shares a building with a school for ages 6 - 12.
He works in the daycare section of that school and...
Hmm...
She's been having her practical education there for the last 4 years, 4 weeks at a time every term.
Apparantly he's recently dieted / started working out properly. Used to be fat.
Ok, she has been giving a running commentary of his actions since the talk and he's been sort of avoiding her like I did in the beginning of the summer that we got together. He has now left the school and at first didn't even reply to her email about getting an email or phone number. Now he has okayed her friend request on facebook. One that she apparantly removed.
Either she is trying to make me jealous (something she has always wanted, but I have a tendency to blow up for a short time or keep my cool for practically forever lasting anger/jealousy isn't something I can sustain.) or he is a bigger problem than I thought.
Though it is pretty clear that it is her divorced friend that keeps trying to push them together. That's what it feels like from random halfcontradictory comments anyway.
Both our kids were cesarians. Ever since our youngest was born (4 years ago slmost on the dot) she has been having REALLY long periods. Before our oldest, her periods lasted 3 days and ran like clockwork. Now... Like I said, until a doctor (that I pushed her to see) proscribed an anti-bleeding pill. Now it's 2 weeks period, 2 weeks not sort of.
I've been worried for a long time, but the doctors are not
Hello Duvae,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is best for you to focus less on what she is doing and more on recognizing what you have control over...You! Be the best Dad and Duvae that only a fool would leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Ok, seriously I am not making a call out of country. We are in debt and I am looking for work. I'd love to actually determine what I should or should not be doing. But making an expensive call? That's one thing I know I shouldn't be doing.
Mistakes I've made since I the beginning of summer:
1) I was told to start intitiating sex. (No time limit, no stated or else, but it hung in the air) I tried vaugely and got shot down when I thought I'd done it right early and so just started masturbating like mad. (I can't follow my train of thought from that period I was a freaking mess)
2) apparantly promising to paint the kitchen and forgetting it. (It's done now, but I started after she told me that we're going to separate. Admittedly it's been needing new walls for 6 years... )
3) sort of letting the kids know where getting separated. (Not quite sure how. They were asking questions of me that seemed really on the nose. But we've both told them together now)
4) told my pastor in confidentiality. (the midtake was admitting to my wife that I told him, but I asked him 3 times that this wouldn't go further thsn him or me. Now she is GIVING ME the church. Seriously biggest mistake I ever made.
5) had a very private conversation about the separation with my mom after being practically forced to do so by my wife. Then I let her havr my phone to see some photos I'd taken of the kids. Got hit with accusations about getting facts wrong about what's been going on in this process. (I'm so happy I don't keep this page on my browser) though she cleared something up that's been worrying me from the start, she isn't spending more money than usual on clothes apparantly.
I amd close to giving up. We're going to family councelling soon. Where she ecpects that we'll talk sbout how to divy up the time with the kids and other financial matters. I promised myself when I booked it that I'd give it an honest go of convinving her to stay, so even though I currently think that's not a wise choice I'm going to do it anyway. I have no idea whst the councelor wants.
Anyway, yeah. I'm no saint. I've no idea how to "grow up" and I've no idea how to fix my life
just got a job. Possibly 6 months, possibly more. Life should work out somewhat better. Since we lived on her salary before same amount as my salary now, but at 75% whereas mine will be 100% I'll be a bit better of now than before. I'll be able to pay off the debts we've accrued while she was working and finally start on my student debts.
None of this will bring her back, but it will finally give me peace. Something I haven't had in a long time.
Trying to do everything your W tells you, is not how you save the MR. Hopefully, this new job will help you find confidence again. When some men stay home without a job, they tend to swap traditional roles with the W......and it results in loss of respect from her. However, if he doesn't have a job and she does have a job, he certainly should keep the house running smoothly. He just doesn't need to fall into that subservient attitude.
I realize you are impatient and want precise instructions as to what to do next. We are trying to help you, but it takes a little time for us to fit the pieces together.
So, are you following the 37 rules? Have you read all the threads about a wayward wife? If not, then please do so, and it should help you determine if it sounds similar to what you are seeing in your W.
WW's are usually quite angry at the H, and he feels he can't win. Trying to accommodate whatever she wants, doesn't produce her desire for her H. He can't act like a doormat and expect her to fall into his arms. Anyway, read those threads I suggested.
Confidence? What strange manner of phrase is this?
I'm joking of course. But either I never lost it or I've never had it. I'm no different now than before. Sure I've constantly worried about money since we started school because we weren't following my budget anymore. And I couldn't see how much money was left on her bankaccount.
Once I have a salary and can get rid of the debts I can finally feel like I'm not standing in quicksand.
On a different track: SHE FEELS TRAPPED by me. Todays revelation. (Mentioned before as feeling trapped by our situation)
Any further situation ask for help "hinder her progress" is just proof that I am an obstacle.
Case in poin;t trying to get help for when my new job tells me to open in the morning. I asked her to leave the kids in the morning on tuesdays and I'd pick them up on fridays for her instead of her hiring a #%#% nanny to do that for her. But no, that would apparantly make her day a 12-hour workday every second week excepting of course the weeks between moving out and acquiring beds for the kids in her new apartment. I understand that suggesting she sleep in my apartment even if I sleep elsewhere might not have been wise, but I was genuinely trying to find a solution that wouldn't inconvenience my job (Kind of don't want to lose it just as I gain it) or her.
She wants freedom to invite friends over. She's especially dreaming of inviting prospective male friends. (To my face she said this) which she can't do in our apartment. (In some ways I think it all boils down to sex and that I've let her down in this area) she also wants freedom to be able to go out and party even if she doesn't like bars or discos.
Honestly don't like the idea of having the kids 10 hours in daycare each day but that's what her freedom is costing them.
Oh, yeah, can't find any threads on the wayward wife. But I've read the 37 rules. Kind of did the opposite of the touching rule, because I missread my situation.
Ok, so a few days ago, my wife decided that moving to a separate town was horrible for our kids, and as such has decided not to move to her friend. The result was her friend blowing up at her saying this was a huge betrayal and their friendship was over.
That will pass, the friend in question seems to have high short bursts of emotions as a rule. But my wife is now putting our children first and even trying to get a jobb near their school. (I am trying to find an apartment for myself and the kids in walking distance of that school, which might have sparked her thinking this way)
To get to the point, with her changed plans, her moving out is delayed by "at least half a year and besides what we have right now isn't so bad anyways" also, earlier today she wrote "hugs" to me at the end of an sms.
I am picking up the kids since she can't today. But to do so I have to leave earlier from work where they are very strict about the times. Otherwise I wouldn't make it before daycare closes.
I feel like things are slowly getting better I guess.
I'' sorry if my last post seemed disjointed or fragmented. That's how My writing usually looks before I fix it up.
She is still going to move. Once she's set her mind to something that is going to happen and not even a command from on high will sway her, I guess it's part of why I love her.
But the thing that I find encouraging is that she feels the need to come up with new justifications for her descision. That she is openly questioning the need herself.
I knew there was an OM from the very first post. It was just so textbook. He's still in the picture by the way. Her actions prove it. You have zero chance of fixing your marriage as long as there is an OM in the picture. First, dig and confirm an OM. That should be pretty easy, she's basically flaunting it. Second, 180 her. You can look that up.
Don't be passive and do not be her doormat. Nobody respects a doormat. She'll see you as weak and unattractive. Be strong and firm with her and you might save the M. You have to be the leader of your house. The king of your castle. If you're not, she'll find another king. She currently is auditioning for your replacement. Don't be a spectator for that.
The OM is a woman and she is not a lesbian.