Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: NYGal NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/20/16 10:01 AM
Link to old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...574#Post2691574
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/20/16 11:04 AM
Another question... smile When you guys got back together did she say when you went dim had any affect on her? Before this past week when I said I have to let go we used to text all day long...I thought it was cake eating and I wanted to do something different....

Thanks!!
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/20/16 02:57 PM
She didn't say directly, but she did say she was worried she would lose me the entire time, if she didn't wise up soon! I still don't know what changed things for her, but it happened while she was on vacation with ow. And just before they left I thought I blew it when I insisted she tell me if she was done with me or not "because I need to make some decisions about my future." I thought it was over, because it was NOT good DB technique at all. I was not cool, calm and collected, I was desperate and frightened. But it shook her up. A week later, while still on vacay, she texted that she wanted to talk about us and would I be willing. I somehow knew it was going to be about reconciliation or I would have panicked. I also had the benefit of knowing through a mutual friend that W was trying to come back to me, and knew it was the right thing and the thing that would make her most happy... but she had to do it on her own timeline. I found out later that that apparently meant they had to go on the #^^@! vacation they had planned. I could have been really angry about that, but it turns out that all that time with ow made her realize I was the better choice.

Yeah, it stinks to be a choice, but at least she made the right one.

And don't worry about the texting having fizzled somewhat. It gives her something to think about. Let her wonder what you are up to. Be strong and always look your best if she might see you. That's what I tried to do.
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/20/16 03:14 PM
Ok, great advice once again NYGal!! smile You make me laugh....I have been keeping up with my working out and tanning so I do look my best...she has actually been so depressed and has a back issue and can't workout she has gained some pounds.....yikes...what we do for love....haha
Posted By: Cherry Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/21/16 02:27 AM
Nygal, it's great to hear that you have reconciled. I remember when you came here first; it's like another person is here now. You've come on leaps and bounds in a small amount of time. And just goes to show how db-ing works. Very happy for you and wish you the best of luck.

I myself find myself here again, I don't think I've ever properly left. And now I'm pregnant and h is still threatening d.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/21/16 07:48 AM
Wow, Cherry. I'm going to have to catch up on your situation!
Thanks for your encouraging words above and throughout my time on here. Yeah, I was a wreck on here for so long. Afraid of making the wrong move, and so obsessed with getting my relationship back. I know that DB helped. And I think I'm lucky, too.
I just hope more people on here can keep on trying and that their spouses find their way back home to stay. Sometimes that's not the best solution, I know that, but it seems that the folks who take the time to come here are still fighting for their marriages. I definitely think it's worth fighting for.
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/21/16 08:06 AM
I'm glad you fought for your marriage and it worked out!!! It gives us all hope!! smile
Posted By: Vanilla Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/22/16 06:14 PM
NY

I am so thrilled.

V
Posted By: JksD Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/22/16 09:51 PM
Nygal, glad to hear that you're in such a good place.

I always thought that you and W sounded like you had a lot of love for each other. And you were never really angry with W.

Glad that your W realised what a catch you are!
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/24/16 12:23 PM
Thanks everyone! There were times when it felt hopeless, but I never really gave up fighting for my M.
Posted By: Rouky Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/29/16 02:46 PM
NYGal, I hope you are ok. You are such an inspiration. You deserve all the happiness in the world.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/30/16 09:15 PM
Just a check in to tell you all that my sunny posts are idiotic. W and I had come so far in three months and last week ow called and lo and behold they had lunch on Friday. They planned it they carried it out all while I was stupidly naive and trying so so hard to trust. I'm furious and feel so hurt I can't even tell you.

I don't know how I can ever trust her again. The lying and knowing they planned it for days is what is killing me. I've been fooled again and I hate it
Posted By: Painter Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/30/16 11:03 PM
Oh, NYGal, I'm so sorry! frown That is terrible! I don't understand why your W is risking everything for this person.

How did you find out? Does W know that you know?
Posted By: JksD Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/31/16 01:17 AM
So sorry to hear about this NYGal
Posted By: Sotto Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/31/16 01:22 AM
I'm so sorry to hear that NY - it is devastating to find your partner is still in touch with AP. I went through the same and I truly empathise - ugh.....

For me - that was boundary time - I won't live in a situation where you are in contact with AP. I just knew I couldn't live like that. What does it mean for you?

The thing is - once that affair line is crossed, even though someone might want to turn back and try not to lose the main R - the A is addictive and it is hard to sustain. It does truly have to run it's course and it sounds as though it hasn't yet in your case.

Have you confronted your W with what you know? Keep posting my friend - we are all here for you. Xx
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/31/16 02:22 AM
I'm so sorry NYGal!!
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/31/16 06:43 AM
She swears it was for closure. I think it was temp checking and apparently the temp on the other end was rather cold
Posted By: pinn Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/31/16 06:59 AM
Ny gal... No contact means no contact.... You have no idea what the temp was on the other end honestly.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/31/16 07:13 AM
I had to cut that short because W came into the room. I slept in the spare bedroom again last night. I alternately crave her reassurances that it was just to finally close the door on the A and then I am appalled that she still felt she needed to. She actually said maybe her seeing ow one last time is what we needed to get closer. I looked her in the eye and said it might make you feel closer to me but for me it's like being shot out of a cannon across the city as far from YOU as I could go.

I'm filled with images and thoughts of ow. She's everywhere all the time and I don't know how to get her out of my head. And tomorrow she's expecting to get a huge promotion and raise and I will have to see all the announcements about that. (We all work at the same place.) She has made a pattern of revealing confidential information about employees - staff misconduct that resulted in sanctions and in a few cases the employees were fired. She reveals the confidential details to whomever she's sleeping with that day. And her last three lovers were co-workers. So she's a land mine who shouldn't be promoted in the position she has. But that land mine would blow my legs off if I tell. So I shut up.

Time to start my day and try my hardest to let this go.
Posted By: MoveFrwd Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/31/16 07:36 AM
NYG -
I don't think it is on you to "let this go".

I'm not sure you should DO anything just yet.

But you can't just allow this boundary to be crossed without any issue. What if W said she just needed to sleep with OW one more time "for closure"? Would you be expected to just "let that go" too?

This is about you now. I think your sole focus has been on repairing your R with W. What do you need to heal?
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 07/31/16 09:50 AM
Wow, the OW sounds like a real piece of work....your W needs to wake up and see what a catch you are...I just don't understand the WW...... I know they are not themselves but its still difficult....
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/01/16 07:59 AM
How are you NYG? Hang in there today!!
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/01/16 08:37 AM
Feeling better after a horrendous weekend. W is very remorseful and swears she is D.O.N.E. with ow. I believe she thinks she is. But I don't completely trust the future. I had come so far and now it's so hard again.
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/01/16 08:41 AM
Well I hope she is done for your sake!! I am sure trust will be a big issue...
Posted By: Rouky Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/01/16 09:42 AM
NYGal, you are an amazing and wonderful person. I believe that you can deal with this setback once more. You have been able to do it once, you can do it again. You have so much strength in you.
Take care of you ((((hugs))))
Posted By: MoveFrwd Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/01/16 09:52 AM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
Feeling better after a horrendous weekend. W is very remorseful and swears she is D.O.N.E. with ow. I believe she thinks she is. But I don't completely trust the future. I had come so far and now it's so hard again.


Im glad to hear you are feeling better. You didnt answer some of my comments for you, and by no means do you need to. It's just food for thought.

That said, what are your thoughts/plans for healing from this? For your sake, I hope it isnt "swallow this and trust W's word that she is done."
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/08/16 09:48 AM
Originally Posted By: darknes
NYG -
I don't think it is on you to "let this go".

I'm not sure you should DO anything just yet.

But you can't just allow this boundary to be crossed without any issue. What if W said she just needed to sleep with OW one more time "for closure"? Would you be expected to just "let that go" too? NO, THAT WOULD NOT BE OK. THE LUNCH WAS NOT OK EITHER. I SCREAMED AT HER FOR HOURS OVER THAT ONE. NOT A GOOD MOVE, I ADMIT.

This is about you now. I think your sole focus has been on repairing your R with W. What do you need to heal?
I NEED TO KNOW THERE IS NO CONTACT WITH OW. EVER. AND NOT WITH HER FRIENDS, EITHER. SEE BELOW.


It has been a difficult week. I lost my temper and didn't calm down for about 3 days after W had lunch with ow. Then on Friday W got a text from ow's friend -- ANOTHER person who works at the same place we all do -- this bestie was encouraging the A all along, so I'm not real thrilled that she is contacting W. The text read "so what does moving forward look like for you?" I get that it was in response to a text W sent, obviously saying she was moving forward. And W thought she was justified in texting with ow's bestie, and that her message was honorable. But then why did she delete the previous texts? And why was she texting with her after we discussed, and I thought she agreed, that it wouldn't be a good idea to stay in touch with this person?

I see it as a way to get messages back and forth, with bestie acting as the intermediary. And furthermore, it's none of her business what W means by moving forward!!! I don't want ow or her friends to know anything at all about me or about us.

So it really got to me, and I was pretty mean to W all weekend. I also found an old slip of paper with the name of the hotel they chose to consummate the A, so it's no wonder I was triggered. I really do not think W wants to be in touch with ow. I think I'm pushing and pushing and pushing her to see what the breaking point is, and I think I've found it. We aren't speaking today. Rough day.
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/08/16 12:36 PM
Hang in there NYGal...I can't offer you advice since I am stink at not making my W miss me....but we are here for you...I appreciate your advice and I am going to follow through, I promise.
Posted By: MoveFrwd Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/08/16 01:14 PM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
Originally Posted By: darknes
NYG -
I don't think it is on you to "let this go".

I'm not sure you should DO anything just yet.

But you can't just allow this boundary to be crossed without any issue. What if W said she just needed to sleep with OW one more time "for closure"? Would you be expected to just "let that go" too? NO, THAT WOULD NOT BE OK. THE LUNCH WAS NOT OK EITHER. I SCREAMED AT HER FOR HOURS OVER THAT ONE. NOT A GOOD MOVE, I ADMIT.

This is about you now. I think your sole focus has been on repairing your R with W. What do you need to heal?
I NEED TO KNOW THERE IS NO CONTACT WITH OW. EVER. AND NOT WITH HER FRIENDS, EITHER. SEE BELOW.


It has been a difficult week. I lost my temper and didn't calm down for about 3 days after W had lunch with ow. Then on Friday W got a text from ow's friend -- ANOTHER person who works at the same place we all do -- this bestie was encouraging the A all along, so I'm not real thrilled that she is contacting W. The text read "so what does moving forward look like for you?" I get that it was in response to a text W sent, obviously saying she was moving forward. And W thought she was justified in texting with ow's bestie, and that her message was honorable. But then why did she delete the previous texts? And why was she texting with her after we discussed, and I thought she agreed, that it wouldn't be a good idea to stay in touch with this person?

I see it as a way to get messages back and forth, with bestie acting as the intermediary. And furthermore, it's none of her business what W means by moving forward!!! I don't want ow or her friends to know anything at all about me or about us.

So it really got to me, and I was pretty mean to W all weekend. I also found an old slip of paper with the name of the hotel they chose to consummate the A, so it's no wonder I was triggered. I really do not think W wants to be in touch with ow. I think I'm pushing and pushing and pushing her to see what the breaking point is, and I think I've found it. We aren't speaking today. Rough day.


Well, I think it's good that you can at least recognize that screaming at W for hours isnt going to be particularly productive.

There is a difference between setting your boundaries and punishing your W.

I think you need to define clearly what you will and what you wont accept as behaviors from W. What will be the consequences if she fails to meet those? I dont think "getting screamed at for hours" is a good answer wink

Try not to think about controlling your W. Instead define what you can accept in order to heal from this yourself. I fear you are rushing to fix things with W without actually having the time for your own personal wounds to heal.
Posted By: EDF Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/08/16 01:33 PM
The possibility of my wife relapsing on the "addiction" and being in contact with OM is something that's on my mind quite a bit lately. I find myself day-dreaming "what if" scenarios... and have given some thought to what I might do if that happened. (I try to shut them down so I don't overly focus on the the negative possibilities, but the thoughts keep popping up.)

Anyway, I agree with darknes that the burden isn't on you to move past this or decide what the next steps are. I think that burden is on your W. That question - "what does moving forward look like for you?" - is very relevant in the sense that that is exactly what your W needs to answer for you. And your only real responsibility is to take it a day at a time and see if what she is doing is good enough to win you back, possibly with pointers to help her refine what she is doing as things move forward.

It is totally appropriate if you want to set some minimum standards or expectations, but in your shoes I would want to see just what my W is willing to do to win me back, and how she plans to try and win back my trust after going back on her NC commitment.

It is really easy for anyone to agree to terms someone else put together without really thinking about it, but asking them to put themselves in your shoes and put together a plan for how they plan to win you back shows a lot more effort, and you're worth it! If they aren't willing to put effort into that, then you need to be prepared to move forward without them until they realize what they lost.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/08/16 01:46 PM
Thanks, EDF. Now this. W swears ow is not interested in contacting her at all and that ow has moved on. But I snooped. Why whenever I snoop do I find something that sets me back -- but it's always something i need to know. ow sent W an email YESTERDAY about a retirement home in Paris!!! It was sent to two other people as well, but W was first on the list... and it said, "to the women I want to commune with." EXCUUUUSE ME??????

W has promised, as a way of winning back my trust, that she will tell me if ow contacts her. She did not tell me. I had to snoop and found this. She also had promised me that before -- then they had lunch 10 days ago and she told me afterwards -- in other words, she didn't tell me about that until after the fact, probably knowing that if I found out there would be hell to pay. Well there was still hell to pay.

And why the hell does ow think she can still contact my W and propose a frickin' retirement home with her????????????

I'm so upset. It may be ow just trying to keep her hooks in, but W is weak. She can't resist attention. And my screaming at her, I know, made her question her commitment to me all over again.

Friends, it's never easy.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/08/16 01:50 PM
What can I do to get ow out of W's life? TXHubby, I need your advice. I desperately want to call ow out on this bulls&*t and tell her to leave us the he!! alone.
Posted By: Painter Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/08/16 02:00 PM
NYGal, so sorry to hear that OW won't leave W alone!

You said before that you could out OW's antics at the U but it could have negative consequences for you?

I wonder, have you and W ever talked about the chemical effect it has on the body and brain to have an A? I guess I mean to ask, does W know what she's fighting? Are the two of you seeing an MC? Are you seeing an IC?

I know it's easy to blame OW (I do it myself) but the real issue is one of trust with W...
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/08/16 02:12 PM
W has been pretty attentive and trying to help me through this. But then the lunch, and now not telling me about ow contacting her AGAIN.
Yes, OW is about to be named to a big position on campus, a position that requires discretion. But she has revealed things about why employees were fired that were top secret. One in particular involves her boss -- the position she is now about to be named as permanent in. (bad grammar, but I'm in a hurry!!!) The news would at the least cause people to question her judgment and at worst she could be denied the position I suppose. I want to confront her and tell her to leave us the hell alone or I will tell our ethics hotline people... but I am not that kind of person I guess... and I'm afraid of the consequences. Whistleblowers never win.

We are seeing a MC for a few sessions --she was my IC but all agreed it would be ok for us to be seen as a couple. She's good. Very practical and actually used to be a DB coach!!!
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/08/16 02:13 PM
Painter, is ow living in your home?? I am so so sorry this is happening.
Posted By: EDF Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/08/16 02:16 PM
It's perplexing to me that your W is carrying on these conversations/cover-ups while still communicating over something you have access to!

I think I'd chalk that up to at least some degree of lingering fog. I know it [censored], but I guess I would take it as a positive that she is not using some other form of communication, and that she came clean to you about the meeting. It doesn't excuse what she did, but I think if you still want to see if things can work you want to try to avoid the instinctive rage reaction when she chooses to be honest. Maybe tell her you are very upset and need time to think about this before you respond. You want to discourage the relapses, sure, but you don't want to inadvertently discourage her being honest with you (even if it is after the event, it's better than continuing to conceal).

Was this a work or private email - if it's private email would your W be willing to set OW as a blocked sender so she literally does not get those emails?
Posted By: Painter Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/08/16 02:20 PM
I'm glad you're seeing the C! Hopefully that will be a good place to discuss this.

Yes, WH moved OW into our home in secret 3 weeks after I left. I found out from SD, who came to visit her dad and walked into a completely changed house and a woman she had never met before, and was told to keep it a secret from me. Then I found lots of FB posts where OW showed of a huge engagement ring and said they're getting M this year.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/08/16 02:26 PM
Oh Painter. So sad. I hope that OW gets what she deserves. Nothing but pain. Why do people think it's just A-OK to mess with others' relationships?

EDF, it was work email. W says she has blocked ow from her phone/texts. But it's so easy to unblock... I think I've made a mess of things, and I'm so uncomfortable with the waiting.

I will bring this up at MC tomorrow. I'm a wreck now and will try and fake it until then.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/08/16 02:28 PM
And now I have to move out of my office -- that one that W walked by all winter just so I'd see her and she'd be close to me... those dark days during the middle of the A. But I will miss my office. My new one is dark with a view of the A/C unit on the roof.

Let's have a pity party for NYGal! Sorry... just not a good day all around.
Posted By: annab74 Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/08/16 03:42 PM
NYGal, have you thought about what your boundaries are going to be for reconciliation? How much are you willing to accept in order to be with her? It doesn't sound like she is being very respectful of your feelings if she is not honoring the agreements she has made with you.

I agree with Painter...although I can certainly understand the negative feelings towards OW's predatory behavior, she is not your problem. A person who loves you and is truly committed is going to be loyal no matter who is showering them with attention. W is not making choices that display loyalty to you, but rather loyalty to her own wants and needs. Be careful about excusing her behavior as weakness, because that implies it's something she can't help. It's not a weakness...she is making willful choices.

What concrete action is W willing to take to demonstrate she is working on bettering herself? How has she agreed to work with you to improve your marriage so neither of you feel vulnerable to outside attention in the future? Words are not enough. Liars lie (and hide contact and meet up for secret lunches). She needs to show her commitment to you with actions. Beware when words and actions don't line up.

Remember, you are the prize. You shouldn't have to fight for someone to recognize your value or commit to you.
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/09/16 07:28 AM
NYGAL....hope you have a better day today and your MC goes well....keep us updated!!!!
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/09/16 08:18 AM
Originally Posted By: annab74
Liars lie (and hide contact and meet up for secret lunches). She needs to show her commitment to you with actions. Beware when words and actions don't line up.

Remember, you are the prize. You shouldn't have to fight for someone to recognize your value or commit to you.


Annab, so nice to hear from you! You're right. Liars lie. It becomes a way of life, and it's easier to lie than to face the wrath of a woman scorned! W says she wants to be with me, and she says she deleted the email from ow and didn't respond. I suppose ow isn't my problem, but I think she's part of it.

How do you get an ow to leave your spouse alone? I know, I know, it's not my job. But as the woman whose life she chose to mess with, I feel like I get to say something. I run into her now and then here at work, and I want to take her aside and say this:
ow, do you have a moment? Good, because I just wanted to tell you to leave us alone. When you decided to try out a new sexual orientation just for kicks, and insert yourself in the middle of our relationship, you became the ow, the homewrecker, and with that you lost the privilege of being friends with my W. As far as I'm concerned, you are morally bankrupt and ethically void. You showed no concern whatsoever for me, and no respect for my relationship with W. That you think you can still be friends with her after an A only reinforces the fact that you have no regard for our R, and no decency whatsoever.
Furthermore, your inability to keep confidential private conversations and details about employees' dismissal makes you unfit to be head of HR. So stay away from me. Stay away from W. And don't ever contact either one of us again(and here's what I really want to say but I won't) or I will let [her boss] know that she is taking a risk and putting [our place of employment] at risk by promoting you to lead HR.
And finally, (in my dreams I say this) you can take your feminist retirement home in Paris (the one she wrote to W about) and shove it.
Good, I feel better already.
Posted By: EDF Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/09/16 08:36 AM
I've been very tempted to confront OM in my sitch. One of the things that ultimately dissuaded me was the realization that poking him might just make him go after my W even more just to screw with me.

We already know they are selfish arseholes willing to set aside their morals/ethics... while we don't need to be meek mouses and fear them, going out of our way to agitate someone already unstable probably is not in our best interests.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/09/16 08:51 AM
EDF, so when W sent the NC email to OM, did you help her write it? Did you watch her send it? Did she mean it?
I want W to do the same to ow (I never capitalize those heinous letters!)
Posted By: J5K Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/09/16 08:56 AM
NYGal,

If your W is really transparent, she will be willing to write the email in front of you or show you after it is sent.

I am sorry to hear ow is being such a beeeaaach. You are in a difficult spot know that she is head of HR and how that could affect you.
Posted By: MoveFrwd Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/09/16 08:59 AM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
I want to take her aside and say this:
ow, do you have a moment? Good, because I just wanted to tell you to leave us alone. When you decided to try out a new sexual orientation just for kicks, and insert yourself in the middle of our relationship, you became the ow, the homewrecker, and with that you lost the privilege of being friends with my W. As far as I'm concerned, you are morally bankrupt and ethically void. You showed no concern whatsoever for me, and no respect for my relationship with W. That you think you can still be friends with her after an A only reinforces the fact that you have no regard for our R, and no decency whatsoever.
Furthermore, your inability to keep confidential private conversations and details about employees' dismissal makes you unfit to be head of HR. So stay away from me. Stay away from W. And don't ever contact either one of us again(and here's what I really want to say but I won't) or I will let [her boss] know that she is taking a risk and putting [our place of employment] at risk by promoting you to lead HR.
And finally, (in my dreams I say this) you can take your feminist retirement home in Paris (the one she wrote to W about) and shove it.
Good, I feel better already.


The stuff in blue is something your wife should be saying to OW...not you. You saying it does nothing - likely OW would turn right to your W and laugh about it.

The stuff in red is completely unrelated to you and your situation. I understand and agree that this OW is a morally deficient barnacle, but that doesnt mean that her professional ethical decisions are really related to the affair. You can be upset about those kinds of things, but to blend it into the affair is causing you to punish your W in ways she doesnt deserve. What it reads is that you are so upset that your W "chose" this ethically bankrupt piece of garbage over you (for some amount of time) that you are flinging all of this around trying to prove your superiority.

Your focus should be on the contact your wife is having with this woman. Anything else that you focus on with OW is only holding you back. You are so bent out of shape about her promotion...and while it sounds unmerited, it really impacts you not at all.

I am really worried about you NYG. Since the beginning, I fear your focus has always been so heavily on OW. How can you break that so that YOU and your RELATIONSHIP can heal?
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/09/16 09:09 AM
Darn, did you have to talk sense into me? Sigh.
Posted By: EDF Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/09/16 11:10 AM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
EDF, so when W sent the NC email to OM, did you help her write it? Did you watch her send it? Did she mean it?
I want W to do the same to ow (I never capitalize those heinous letters!)


W wrote the first draft - I had told her in advance that I didn't want to dictate the letter word for word, but I did want to see the letter before it was sent, give input, and see her send it.

Her first draft was pretty good (short/concise) but I made a couple suggestions and asked her to phrase it in her own words. Suggested she list some of the fun stuff we've been doing together and if there was anything in particular that had made her feel more optimistic about our relationship. I also suggested/added a closing line reiterating "do not contact me", and suggested she tweak a line to remove the possibility of any mixed messages.

Having her word my suggestions was kind of a test on my part to require more effort on her end and see what things she highlighted. She was pretty forthcoming; questioned whether we really needed to mention some fun things we did... I simply said that I wanted OM to realize that W had valid reasons for changing her mind to refocus on the marriage (I.e. that it wasn't just a B.S. letter I made her send) and that the letter was also for my benefit.

Truth be told, I also wanted the letter to mention our fun activities and my positive changes in case she didn't plan to maintain NC... I wanted OM to know that she was still actively doing and enjoying activities with me... to convey that a number of the fun things she had previously told him about over email (and omitted my involvement) were actually couples activities, and that I wasn't simply a chump husband on autopilot anymore.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/09/16 11:19 AM
Yeah, it's no fun to be the chump! Thanks for sharing that, EDF. I love the simple ending. Do not contact me. W tends to give mixed messages: "I'll tell ow we can't be friends because I'm with you." No... tell her you don't want to be friends, period!
I'm going to propose that she send the NC email to ow, and discuss it tonight in MC. I love the idea of letting her write the draft, but letting me offer input.
Thanks for your help.
It's awesome that WW agreed to NC with the OM so quickly.
Posted By: annab74 Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/09/16 06:55 PM
NYGal...what I worry about with your situation is by focusing so much on OW, the actual problems here might get swept under the rug. This woman is nobody special. She's just a symptom, and if it weren't her, it would be somebody else. There is a reason the A happened. Maybe it was the state of your relationship, or maybe W has glaring character flaws. Either way, if those things aren't dealt with and you just focus on running OW off, she could very easily reappear down the line wearing another face. It's easy to think all your problems would go away and you'd be happy again if OW were only out of the picture (and maybe you would for a little while), but it's a bandaid on a bullet hole if you don't deal with the underlying issues causing W to act out in the first place.

And darkness is right...OW is more likely to laugh at anything you say than be threatened or "warned off" because of it. The person those words should be coming from is your W. Confronting OW doesn't make you look strong. It makes you look scared because if you were confident in your W's commitment to you, you wouldn't feel threatened by her. You need to be confident that you're the better choice and let your actions reflect that. Don't dignify OW by wasting your time and energy on her. She can only be a threat to your relationship if W allows her to be.
Posted By: JksD Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/09/16 07:11 PM
Nygal, I agree with annabel. The NC has to come from your W, not you. Or from both of you.

Coming just from you will show OW that you do not have W's support. And it will undermine how position even more if your W continues to contact OW in spite of you telling off OW.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/09/16 10:01 PM
Thanks anna.youre right that I shouldn't focus on ow. That focus has caused a rift between us. W refuses to tell her not to contact her.And she says she won't promise to tell me when ow does contact her because of my reaction. I get furious. I have to back off, tone it way down, and just focus on anything but ow. I feel like I've slid backwards and the thing that was so important - getting W back, has now become less important than protecting myself. But the protecting comes out as rage and a wall around my heart. It pushes W away. She no longer feels guilty or sympathetic. She is angry and I am looking and acting like the crazy person. Am I wrong to insist that she tell ow not to contact her? If ow continues to do so after W says don't, I can't blame W. But I do blame her for not being willing to say these simple things: I am not interested in a friendship with you. Don't contact me again.

Since she won't, I guess I just have to ... What?what do I do??
Posted By: pinn Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/10/16 02:24 AM
I think saying that to ow is a mistake nyg. If your wife isn't willing to do it then you two are not ready to move on with your relationship. Did you set up a transparency plan at the beginning of all this?
Posted By: roist Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/10/16 04:06 AM
I will leave others give their views about approaching OW. I think you need to take your focus off of her. In reality she is only an issue because W let's it be an issue. You have asked her to NC OW. She has refused. Now what?. This in itself does not mean she is still wayward or that something is going on. It does show a lack of full commitment to your R as she is not willing to do so.

In the end you cannot force her. Shouting will not help. Instead I think that you need to go back to basics. FOCUS on YOU. Back the hell off W, pull right back, but not cold. Get on with your life. GAL.

Yes there is a chance/risk that the A restarts. Again out of your control. Have your boundaries in place and know what you will do if crossed. Knowing this will help not to react with anger.

You are in a tough position and it sukcs to be back there. I am sorry the path hasn't been smoother.

Reread your signature and live it. Best wishes
Posted By: Uphill Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/10/16 06:35 AM
Ny, I see you seem to have OW lingering around... I want to let you know how I crossed that bridge with my XF on Saturday. Me and XF had a long conversation last Tuesday. At the end of that it was mentioned that we would continue on Saturday so we both had time to digest all that was said. During Saturday's convo, I really liked what I heard. We talked for hours and everything seemed to be genuine and what I needed to hear to give her a chance at this. When we were about done, I asked her if she had her phone. She said it was in the car. I asked her to go get it. When she came back, I said now I want you to call him, I want you to explain what is going on and that he is to not ever contact you again. She told me that was already taken care of on Wednesday and I shouldn't worry about it. I told her that if she means anything she just said, to make the call. I also said that if it's already been taken care of it wont be a big deal for him to hear it again while I'm sitting right here. So she dialed. No answer. She called again and this time he picked up. It was a short convo, but not only did it tell him where he stands, it gave me piece of mind because the way it happened, I could tell he already knew what she was telling him again. I'm not saying this was the right way to go about it but a friend suggested it and I loved the idea.
Posted By: Painter Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/10/16 06:47 AM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
Thanks anna.youre right that I shouldn't focus on ow. That focus has caused a rift between us. W refuses to tell her not to contact her.And she says she won't promise to tell me when ow does contact her because of my reaction. I get furious. I have to back off, tone it way down, and just focus on anything but ow. I feel like I've slid backwards and the thing that was so important - getting W back, has now become less important than protecting myself. But the protecting comes out as rage and a wall around my heart. It pushes W away. She no longer feels guilty or sympathetic. She is angry and I am looking and acting like the crazy person. Am I wrong to insist that she tell ow not to contact her? If ow continues to do so after W says don't, I can't blame W. But I do blame her for not being willing to say these simple things: I am not interested in a friendship with you. Don't contact me again.

Since she won't, I guess I just have to ... What?what do I do??


See how it goes in MC. You don't have to do anything today. Let the C explain to W why this makes you upset.

WH used the same circular argument to me. Lying to avoid a reaction. Blaming his actions on something I did/said *afterwards*. It's interesting to see that educated people who have probably had a course in logic are equally irrational.

Of course you get upset! She traumatized you, kicked you out of your home, lied and cheated and she's upset about you getting upset? Talk about blaming the victim!

Imagine this: WW drove drunk. She hit someone. You find out she's been driving drunk again. She says she didn't tell you because of your reaction when you found out. Umm...
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/17/16 11:48 AM
Update: w still has ow blocked on her phone (although she can unblock her at anytime then re-block I guess) and seems to think that not responding to her last email about retiring to Paris (oh puhleeeze) is sending the message that she doesn't want to hear from her. She is not interested in telling her not to contact her. I think that's the best I can do.

Last week I did a nice GAL activity and met some friends from my divorce group. W wondered why i wasn't home yet after a couple of hours. I think it was good for her to see that I too have a life. I'm going to see some of them again this Friday.

Uphill, I'm glad to hear things are looking up for you!
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/17/16 12:15 PM
Yeah!!! Sounds great!! Good job of continuing to GAL..sounds like you are keeping her on her toes! smile
Posted By: pinn Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/17/16 01:36 PM
How can she not be interested nyg?? I don't get it. This would be a deal breaker for me 100%
Posted By: MoveFrwd Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/17/16 01:44 PM
Originally Posted By: pinn
How can she not be interested nyg?? I don't get it. This would be a deal breaker for me 100%


I agree. I think doing this just paves the way for them to continue talking, but just in a more underground way.

Why is she uninterested in meeting your needs to heal?
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/22/16 11:06 AM
W won't tell ow not to contact her because: a)she's a people pleaser and can't take a stand/doesn't want anyone to think less of her, even an ow... b) she thinks that not responding to ow's email about retiring to Paris (can't write that without an eye roll) adequately she doesn't want to hear from her.
But as I was just reading your comments above, W called. She mentioned a meeting - I asked if ow was in the meeting - no, she said, but this is a small town and since we all work together we should be prepared for when we see her... And get this, she said,
"We'll say hi, how are you, nice to see you." I couldn't believe it! No, we will not say hi. No, we don't care how she is, and it's most certainly NOT nice to see her!
That's why I go a little bit crazy. It's not OK with me to even engage that homewrecker ow in a conversation. That opens a door, and I don't think W is capable of setting a clear boundary.
What now?
Posted By: annab74 Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/22/16 01:40 PM
NYgal, you are the only one who can answer that question. W seems to be saying loud and clear that she is not going to draw boundaries to shut OW out of your lives. Are you willing to accept that just to keep her in your life? What are YOUR boundaries?
Posted By: Sotto Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/22/16 01:45 PM
Yes, I would agree NYG. Anytime I see someone posting - I wish they would do this and they won't - it is always best to switch that to - what shall I do?

She may or may not choose to send a NC email to OW - that's up to her. What concerns me is that she isn't willing to take a necessary step towards helping you and your R heal.

So, given that - what next for you? Are you okay with putting your all into moving forward on this basis? From what you post about OW, you still feel raw about her (understandably) - but I don't think OW is the central issue here...

((((Hugs))))
Posted By: Painter Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/22/16 02:29 PM
NYGal, I would ask W: "If you had been traumatized and had your life turned upside down by a man who happened to be my colleague, let's say he beat and raped you, or maybe he embezzled all your money so you lost everything you owned - would you have been fine with me greeting him cordially if we bumped into him? Because that is what I feel like happened to me."

Maybe the coin will drop.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/22/16 03:05 PM
I like that, Painter. I'll have that ready to go when she gets home in an hour or so.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/22/16 04:09 PM
W will be in a meeting with ow tomorrow morning, early. So I'm a little uneasy. I think it's important to have that talk tonight about how to IGNORE the ow. I wish we could both retire and get away from this crazy place we work in. Last night W told me ow has had relationships with at least FOUR people at work!!! First of all, she's nothing to shake a stick at (unless you shake a stick at a snake) so I don't know how she gets so "lucky". Second, why the heck can't she fish in another pond somewhere else?
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/22/16 05:07 PM
Hope your talk goes well!!! I hope your W listens and that is crazy about the OW!!!!!! YUCK!!!
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/22/16 05:46 PM
Nope. she says "that's not me" I'm not going to ignore her. See what I mean about people pleasing? See why I can't trust her?
She laughed when I said, what if my colleague had embexzzled money from you. Would you want me to say hi, how are you? Nice to see you!
She refuses to engage. Stormed out of the room.
I've been home sick all day.she walked in and immediately went to get her bike clothes and went for a ride. Came back and brought up the fact that they will be on a meeting tomorrow, then stormed off when I said my spiel. No sympathy or caring or anything. I'm sick with a fever and she's being a selfish b.
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/22/16 05:59 PM
Well crap!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't they ever stop being a selfish b??? My wife is so selfish right now as well!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry she didn't show any sympathy or caring, I'm sure that didn't feel reassuring. Hang in there..
Posted By: MrBond Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/22/16 06:17 PM
Have the two of you sought C since you said you were in Piecing? What did SHE say she would do for you?

The way you explain it is that you tell her that you need her to be a safe place for you in order for you to trust her again. Calm and firm. Then give her consequences if she won't do what you ask.

Right now leave out as much emotion as possible.
Posted By: Painter Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/22/16 10:35 PM
She's not completely out of the fog yet, is what it sounds like to me. She's not ready to take in how much it hurt you. She's still being selfish.

Were you able to stay calm? And yes, did the two of you see the counselor yet?

I'm sorry you're sick! That makes everything worse. I hope you get well quickly and that you can balance these conflicts with some positive interaction.

Also, maybe have someone over to bring you soup.
Posted By: MoveFrwd Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/23/16 05:12 AM
Originally Posted By: Sotto
So, given that - what next for you?

Originally Posted By: MrBond
Then give her consequences if she won't do what you ask.


This is my concern for you. You are setting your boundary of No Contact with OW, and W is walking all over it. All repeating your boundary with no consequence is doing is making her angry. You dont need to make her understand with your boundary....you need to enforce it. Im worried that you are so attached to the outcome of this situation that you arent willing to 'risk' anything by standing up to W and being strong. If she doesnt respect this boundary of yours (and it's clear that she doesnt), what are you going to DO?
Posted By: EDF Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/23/16 09:06 AM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
W won't tell ow not to contact her because: a)she's a people pleaser and can't take a stand....

I feel like this is just a variant of the earlier "she's too weak" rationalization, that might be clouding your judgement a bit. If you view her as too weak to be able to go NC, or "take a stand", I think that is letting her off too easy and sort of a crutch you use to justify you not enforcing your boundaries.

Realistically, she is showing she is more than willing and capable of making a stand, and unfortunately at the moment she seems to be taking a stand against what you need.

You're a great person, and if she loses you it's her loss, remember that!
Posted By: JRuss Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/23/16 09:59 AM
Respectfully, I think the "people pleasing" is being done by you as well. You're afraid to stand up to your W. Understandably, you've seen her come back from a very dark, faraway place, and you don't want to enforce an important boundary because it may drive her away and all "progress" will be lost. But no OW is a very, very valid deal-breaker level boundary for anyone in your position. If this is ever going to work with your WW, it has to be a new relationship built on mutual respect and trust. She's treating you like a doormat, assuming you'll give her what she wants (Plans A and B), which means there's a lack of respect, and you'll (rightly) never trust her as long as she can't even sack up and tell OW it's complete NC for good.
Posted By: annab74 Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/23/16 10:14 AM
Exactly, NYGal. You say she is a people pleaser, but she knows she's not pleasing you right now. The fact she values others feelings over yours is a huge red flag. Someone who was genuinely repentant and committed to reconciliation would do anything in their power to try to make things right, and that doesn't sound like the case here.

If you set boundaries but there are no consequences for crossing them, why would she ever be motivated to respect the lines you've drawn? Right now, it seems like she realizes she can do whatever she wants and get away with it, so she will probably continue to do so.

The onus is on you to determine what you are willing to put up with, and what actions you are willing to take if crossed. W is cake eating. She is back in the comforts of your familiar relationship, but still leaving the doors open. You are unlikely to change her. The thing that can change about the situation is you.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/23/16 11:24 AM
I don't know how to change me. I've set boundaries and the consequences are I rage against her and humanity all in one breath. Today they were in a meeting together and ow sat down RIGHT NEXT TO W. Does this sound like W has conveyed any NC at all? W called to tell me that, and I blew up and hung up. Then it occurred to me, and I'm not being too dramatic I don't think, that I feel like a rape victim. With apologies to rape victims, because I can't really feel your pain, it feels like W is consorting with the rapist. And it brings up the trauma of the affair and the despair all over again. Why can't she see that even acknowledging that woman's presence feels like she is being validated. And of course ow has no sense to stay the eff away. She took her place at W's side like she belongs there, and it is NOT ok with me.

But how do I enforce anything? I tell her it's not ok and she says she didn't do anything wrong. ow sat down next to her. W refuses to discuss what to do. For me, it's simple. You could say, that seat is taken. Simple.

I know ow will continue to literally or figuratively take her place at W's side. Because she has to win. She has no moral fiber at all. She has dated 4 different people at our workplace and she just keeps getting away with all kinds of sh!t. And she's the head of HR, for god's sake!!!!! You'd think she might decide to keep her panties on with co-workers for that reason alone.

I'm so damn frustrated, I can't even begin to tell you...
Posted By: MrBond Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/23/16 11:49 AM
"I don't know how to change me."

Then you need to learn how. If not, then the same problems are still there. I'm not saying that the things you did were reasons that she had an A, but everyone could do with a little change to make themselves better.

"I've set boundaries and the consequences are I rage against her and humanity all in one breath."

That's not a consequence.

"Today they were in a meeting together and ow sat down RIGHT NEXT TO W."
Does this sound like W has conveyed any NC at all? W called to tell me that, and I blew up and hung up."

Back it up. She called to tell you that the OW ended up sitting next to her. She didn't have to tell you. She could have just blown it off and not told you at all. But it sounded like out of respect for you, she told you and was honest about it. As long as the wasn't rubbing your face in it, then she was being transparent with you. You have to start seeing things like that.

These little steps are what leads to true reconciliation.

Now see it from her perspective. She told you the truth and then you punished her by blowing up at her. Do you think she'll want to tell you the next time something like that happens?

"And of course ow has no sense to stay the eff away. She took her place at W's side like she belongs there, and it is NOT ok with me."

So? You can't control what the OW is going to do. All you can do is control what your own actions are and trust your W to do the same.

"she says she didn't do anything wrong. ow sat down next to her."

And she's correct.

"W refuses to discuss what to do. For me, it's simple. You could say, that seat is taken. Simple."

That's YOUR response. You can't keep trying to control her.

"I know ow will continue to literally or figuratively take her place at W's side. Because she has to win. She has no moral fiber at all. She has dated 4 different people at our workplace and she just keeps getting away with all kinds of sh!t. And she's the head of HR, for god's sake!!!!! You'd think she might decide to keep her panties on with co-workers for that reason alone."

Again, you can't control what the OW does. You have to let that go.

"I'm so damn frustrated, I can't even begin to tell you..."

You need help to navigate through your emotions before you keep saying things that are going to hurt your sitch. Have the two of you been to counseling yet? You have to start letting go of your anger.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/23/16 12:21 PM
Thanks, Mr. Bond. I can see the truth in your statements.
We are going to our 3rd counseling session tonight, as a matter of fact.
So I'm just supposed to let it all go and not worry that W won't tell ow to stay away? To me, that's leaving the door open to a friendship or something. I don't really think they will ever get back together. That was a disaster from day one. Frankly, I guess I feel some need for revenge -- some way to see ow punished or in some way hurt by what she did. Instead, she's getting a big promotion and still thinks she can just claim her place next to my W. I don't know if I have what it takes to just let it go.

And as long as we all continue to work here, it will always be there. I can't escape it, and I feel like she's just laughing at me by continuing to seek out my W.
Posted By: MrBond Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/23/16 12:30 PM
"We are going to our 3rd counseling session tonight, as a matter of fact."

That's good. I think you should also see an C for yourself that's not your MC.

"So I'm just supposed to let it all go and not worry that W won't tell ow to stay away?"

Yes because you can't CONTROL what your W does. She has to be the one to come up with her actions.

"To me, that's leaving the door open to a friendship or something."

If you don't have your W make up her own mind as to what she really wants (you, OW, etc.), then if it's not this person it could be someone else down the line.

"Frankly, I guess I feel some need for revenge -- some way to see ow punished or in some way hurt by what she did. Instead, she's getting a big promotion and still thinks she can just claim her place next to my W."

The revenge is understandable. The OM in my sitch was much worse so I get it. But in the end I figured out that I was LETTING this OM have power over me and my action. Don't give her that power. The fact that your W has chosen you, is revenge enough.

"I don't know if I have what it takes to just let it go."

Then break it off with your W. That is in your control. If you don't want to let it go, then don't. All it's going to do is continue to eat you up. Everyone can learn to let things go. That's what your own C can help you do. It probably comes from somewhere else deep down in your past that has nothing to do with the OW.

"And as long as we all continue to work here, it will always be there. I can't escape it, and I feel like she's just laughing at me by continuing to seek out my W."

That's just you screwing around with your own head.
Posted By: Si_07 Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/23/16 12:34 PM
NYGal, I feel for you because it seems like you are in a position similar to where I was last year. The rage and getting fighting against will do more harm than good. Trust me on this. It is where I went wrong, everytime my W kept talking about what the OM was doing and coming by talking to her. I flipped out, lost control of my emotions and completely broke me down. It pushes my W away, maybe for good. I didn't have the help like here, I understand your frustration. You want to see more recognition from W, just like I did, I wanted her to see how much it was hurting me but she wouldn't see it that way. It was still all about her back then.

I don't have the advice to really help you other than to try and keep you anger and frustration in control as much as it still hurts.
Posted By: MrBond Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/23/16 12:37 PM
Actually, here is a start. I would suggest you calling your W back and apologizing for yelling earlier. Tell her that you're thankful for her telling you about the meeting and that you appreciate her transparency.
Posted By: Painter Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/23/16 08:46 PM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
I don't know how to change me. I've set boundaries and the consequences are I rage against her and humanity all in one breath. Today they were in a meeting together and ow sat down RIGHT NEXT TO W. Does this sound like W has conveyed any NC at all? W called to tell me that, and I blew up and hung up. Then it occurred to me, and I'm not being too dramatic I don't think, that I feel like a rape victim. With apologies to rape victims, because I can't really feel your pain, it feels like W is consorting with the rapist. And it brings up the trauma of the affair and the despair all over again. Why can't she see that even acknowledging that woman's presence feels like she is being validated. And of course ow has no sense to stay the eff away. She took her place at W's side like she belongs there, and it is NOT ok with me.

But how do I enforce anything? I tell her it's not ok and she says she didn't do anything wrong. ow sat down next to her. W refuses to discuss what to do. For me, it's simple. You could say, that seat is taken. Simple.

I know ow will continue to literally or figuratively take her place at W's side. Because she has to win. She has no moral fiber at all. She has dated 4 different people at our workplace and she just keeps getting away with all kinds of sh!t. And she's the head of HR, for god's sake!!!!! You'd think she might decide to keep her panties on with co-workers for that reason alone.

I'm so damn frustrated, I can't even begin to tell you...


You got to get your temper under control. If you keep blowing up on W, she will pull away.

I would like to know why she told you. Does she do it to be transparent or is it to push your buttons? I don't know your W but if she won't set boundaries and is a people-pleaser, it is possible that she displays some passive-aggressive behavior.

If I were you, I would try to avoid any R talk outside counseling right now, if you are going regularly. Ask W to not tell you about her interactions with OW outside counseling sessions. Then your MC can help you explain to W why this triggers reactions in you and why it feels inappropriate.

The time the two of you spend together should be positive.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/24/16 10:36 AM
W has agreed to tell me when ow contacts her or when they run into each other. And I knew they would be in that meeting together because my boss attends it too and I have the list of attendees.

She said that when ow sat next to her she felt nothing. Which she saw as a good thing. I may see her as Satan personified, but W says she feels nothing -- maybe a little anger that ow feels so entitled that she can sit down next to her. She swears they said nothing beyond hello, and that it was awkward.

I've decided I need to just be as positive and content and happy as I can, and be the person she'd be a fool to leave (or even look away from.) Since I can't control the stupid other woman (sow) I just have to work on myself. I also intend to be a bit more independent so W knows she has to stay on her toes, too.
Posted By: Painter Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/24/16 11:39 AM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
W has agreed to tell me when ow contacts her or when they run into each other. And I knew they would be in that meeting together because my boss attends it too and I have the list of attendees.

She said that when ow sat next to her she felt nothing. Which she saw as a good thing. I may see her as Satan personified, but W says she feels nothing -- maybe a little anger that ow feels so entitled that she can sit down next to her. She swears they said nothing beyond hello, and that it was awkward.


Did she say this the first time she called or did this info come later?

Meaning, did she tell you this and you blew up? Because that's pretty important information...

Originally Posted By: NYGal
I've decided I need to just be as positive and content and happy as I can, and be the person she'd be a fool to leave (or even look away from.) Since I can't control the stupid other woman (sow) I just have to work on myself. I also intend to be a bit more independent so W knows she has to stay on her toes, too.


That sounds like the way to go. Keep posting!
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/24/16 01:29 PM
Painter, when W first called she said they barely spoke. Then in therapy she said they chatted. Then later in therapy she said it was just an awkward hello, so I don't really know what to believe. I think at one point she said they said nothing, so the story kept changing.
The part about feeling nothing then feeling anger at ow's entitlement came out during therapy. At first I thought -- nothing, you felt nothing when this witch sat down next to you?????? But then she clarified that nothing meant no emotion, no thrill, nothing. I don't know if I entirely believe that, but I do want to believe her when she says she wants nothing to do with ow.

I realize I'm getting all bent out of shape for next to nothing, and that others on here are dealing with a lot worse, so I really do appreciate any input I can get. Thanks, everyone.
Posted By: Painter Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/24/16 01:40 PM
No, it's not next to nothing, but it's about which shape you should get bent into. It should be something functional.

And have patience. She's in counseling with you, she's open about when they meet, she's in a process as well. You're together and she says she felt nothing towards OW. Hopefully that is true.

Look more for things like pulling away emotionally from you, shutting you out, being secretive or erratic in her behavior. If you think back, you probably know what to look for.
Posted By: cheesyt Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/24/16 02:02 PM
Originally Posted By: NYGal

I realize I'm getting all bent out of shape for next to nothing, and that others on here are dealing with a lot worse, so I really do appreciate any input I can get. Thanks, everyone.

We all fight different battles. My battle is different, but it doesn't mean it's more or less important than yours!

Keep working on build that trust! (slightly jealous over here smile but the good kind!!!)
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/24/16 02:04 PM
I believe you'll get there, too, cheesy.
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/24/16 02:09 PM
Hahaha...I'm jealous 2!!! But I am happy for you!!! Sounds like you are taking the right approach!! smile
Posted By: Rouky Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/25/16 04:27 AM
Thank you for posting on my thread NYGal and it's good to hear from you. I have always been told that actions are louder than words: your W goes to counselling with you, and to me it says that she wants to work on your relationship.

You need to give her time as she is also dealing with her own demons. In the grand scheme of things, it's not that long that you have been back together, give her and you some time to heal.

You are doing great and piercing from what I have gathered here is a slow process.

((((Hugs))))
Posted By: Wonka Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/25/16 06:34 AM
NYGal,

You are doing fantastic!!! Please try to remember to focus on the positives, rather than the negatives. What you focus on expands. Remember?

Keep it up.....

Perhaps you would want to re-read RealityTrip's threads for I do see eerily parallels between you and RT's sitches. I think you could take a page or two from her playbook (yeah, you two are basketball wives!).
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/25/16 06:59 AM
What is the connection with the basketball wives? Haha...was one as well....

Keep it up NYGal!!
Posted By: Wonka Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/25/16 07:08 AM
NYGal's wife is a basketball coach as well as RealityTrip....aren't you one too, Hawker? Isn't your wife a BB coach too? grin
Posted By: Wonka Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/25/16 07:09 AM
I was/am NEVER a basketball wife...done one better. A player!!! Yeah....a forward, baby! swish
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/25/16 08:04 AM
Yes, my wife was a basketball coach.. smile I was a player 2!! A guard, shooting the 3's haha
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/25/16 10:24 AM
Wonka, Hawk and NYGal. Final Four 2017. See ya there!
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/25/16 10:36 AM
Sounds like great plan!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/31/16 10:16 AM
W, along with several others, received an invitation to participate in an interview for the position ow is applying for. I think it's inappropriate for her to participate in this due to the personal nature of their relationship. I also think she should stay the he!! away because it's her former affair partner and our relationship is so raw right now.

Why can't she see this? She skips plenty of other interviews, why is she asking my permission to attend? This is one of those situations where if she said, "I'm not going to attend because our relationship is more important," it would help, not hurt our R.

What should I do?
Posted By: hawker Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/31/16 10:23 AM
I thought she wasn't going??? When did she ask your permission?
Posted By: RDS Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/31/16 11:03 AM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
W, along with several others, received an invitation to participate in an interview for the position ow is applying for. I think it's inappropriate for her to participate in this due to the personal nature of their relationship. I also think she should stay the he!! away because it's her former affair partner and our relationship is so raw right now.



Is the invitation for your W to be an interviewer for the OW promotion?
Posted By: Wonka Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 08/31/16 11:12 AM
NYGal,

Yes, there will be situations where you are going to be triggered and this is one of them. Ugh! frown

W, along with several others, received an invitation to participate in an interview for the position ow is applying for.

How did this come about? How did you learn of this? In what way did you find out?


Why can't she see this? She skips plenty of other interviews, why is she asking my permission to attend?

Did she actually ASK you for permission to attend? Or is that an assumption on your part?

We need more information before we can assist you in navigating this new scenario.

Posted By: Wonka Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 09/01/16 09:35 AM
Sweetie?? How are you doing?

Please do drop by when you get the chance. smile
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 09/01/16 02:09 PM
She showed me the email from the CFO -- it went out to about a dozen or more people. She said she isn't going to go! But then she said she should tell the CFO why -- conflict of interest. I thought, jeez, does everyone have to know they had an affair????
Posted By: MrBond Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 09/01/16 07:57 PM
She decided not to go and now you're questioning it? You really need to stop trying to control how she does things. She's turning it down. You should be happy about that.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 09/01/16 08:26 PM
I am.
Posted By: NYGal Re: NYGal: Together Again and Happy! - 09/02/16 08:40 AM
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...527#Post2701527
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