Just a Vanilla Change 31 - DivorceBusting.com

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Abuse threads with Zelda

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V

I felt it might be useful to have a high conflict divorces thread including tactics as an extension of the abuse threads

What do otherse think?

V

I thought I might say my L responded to XWH letter strongly firmly and politely.

Advising him that matrimonial law and not the high court civil law applies. This sent WH into a spin and he apparently told my L off for interfering.

Really?

The mask is slipping indeed.

She responded with humour and power.

We will exchange Form E on the Fins by 31 August 2016, and mine is completely ready.

Oh yes and I am D, thank goodness at long last.

Now to clear xWH from my life.

And oh yes V was asked out on a date, it is far too soon for me to date. I need to heal in all ways. So I said thank you and I am not ready to date yet.

Because I am not ready yet.

V

Thank you to every one who has posted I can only say I am so grateful and pleased to be at this point.

Things are likely to move forwards quite quickly then stall again.

So there will be lots to post later on.

I am hoping my experience will help others.

V

Originally Posted By: Vanilla

I thought I might say my L responded to XWH letter strongly firmly and politely.

Advising him that matrimonial law and not the high court civil law applies. This sent WH into a spin and he apparently told my L off for interfering.

Really?

The mask is slipping indeed.

She responded with humour and power.

We will exchange Form E on the Fins by 31 August 2016, and mine is completely ready.

Oh yes and I am D, thank goodness at long last.

Now to clear xWH from my life.

And oh yes V was asked out on a date, it is far too soon for me to date. I need to heal in all ways. So I said thank you and I am not ready to date yet.

Because I am not ready yet.

V

I love hearing this!! I know you are across the pond, but in my state you can't get D until everything is sorted out.

Hugs to you--and a raised glass to the D.

Hi V,
Glad that you are free from XWH.

Msd you can't here with kids. No kids or dependants you can.

V

Originally Posted By: JksD

Hi V,
Glad that you are free from XWH.

From M yes.

From fins not yet.

V

Good news for V puts smile on my lips.

Peace you deserve much and this news is peaceful for sure.
With peace, progress calmly you will till fin are finalized.

(((Lady V)))

Lady V,

I was happy to read this news!

You know where to find me if you need me.

JellyB xx

Lady V, it is a relief that the courts have granted the divorce! hopefully the financial stuff will all follow suit soon!

Hi Lady V. Congrats on getting the D from that fool. He never deserved to be with someone like you and you certainly didn't deserve him and his nasty ways

Lady V is free and look out world ( when lady v is ready )

Great news and I'm sending big hugs

Take care. Rd

Thank you Jellyb, Zephyr and RD.

Hugs right back

V

Congratulations! I wish I could get on an airplane and celebrate with you!

Lots of love vanilla!

J.

Just as you think life is beginning to roll for you, it throws curve balls at you.

There are a number of things going on in my life which are going to place great demands on me aged ma is unwell and in hospital.

I am tired still.

Hey that's life to unfold.

V

Sorry to hear V... my prayers are with you

Positive thoughts for your mum lady V

Take care. Rd

Thank you all.

I have begun reviewing my history and R with xWH.

There is much heartbreak and destruction, abuse and hurt.

It's time to begin to rebuild and reframe so that I understand so it will not be repeated.

For the first timever I felt lonely, facing my mums illness and family stuff without a partner.

I went on a date too, Mr Gentleman. I am sad to say my soul isn't ready. I am concious that I still carry excess weight too and my very best clothes don't fit yet. Although I am confident enough.

So dating is back burnered again until I feel more ready.

My emotions are very raw still and my skin burns and smarts from the sheer embarrassment of the things I know.

Not good.

Still, I have the gift of time.

I continue to exercise and eat well, slowly slowly inching forwards.

V

Hi.Lady V , as you are well aware I am very far from a vet , I am however old and with that age comes some experience You were not to blame and nor could you have avoided what happened

I've read your posts on here and your a caring and gentle soul. You look for the best in people and that's a gift but it can also be a burden

More cynical people like myself don't look for the good when we first meet people but most times that's our loss

XH has issues and has learnt to disguise or hide them from kind people like Lady V

IMHO XH will continue to deceive and lie his way through life finding good people and using them

Lady V can look back with hindsight and perhaps pick out where she choose badly BUT we are all wise after the event

My two cents worth is to accept that XH is who his is and Lady Vs only mistake in this was being Lady V and no one on this earth wants you to change that

Put your energy into living and enjoying your life Let it go You naturally want to avoid anything like this again but that's not possible unless you cahnge who you are and I've covered that already 😄

Just my opinion Sis , hope your Mum is ok

Big hug and take care. Rd

Hey lady V

Thank you for dropping by my threading was great to hear from you. You are such a kind warm lady my thoughts are with you

I spent the afternoon blackberry picking with my daughters it was lovley having my eldest and my youngest with me.

Take care and many hugs to you

Ghost

Any word on your Mum lady V ?

Thank you for asking RD.

I travelled up to Manchester to see mum late yesterday afternoon and she is now out of intensive care. She has a systemic infection in her gut that they think is ecoli3. We await the blood tests.

Truly she doesn't know much because of the dementia and the doctors discussed DNR with her and in front of her. The doc said I would like your views and mum said "you had better look after me then". Which was sort of cute.

She said I know you, you are V and you came to see me yesterday. Then half an hour later she asked if I had come to see her.

I had to leave find a quiet place to cry. I cry for my father, 10 days from his 65 wedding anniversary. The good thing is that aged pa is getting some rest from caring and is looking better and has gained a little weight.

I love my mum although she is a very difficult woman and my aged pa is devoted to her. There are there words that fit mum, stubborn mule and defiant. She was a career woman before these things were thought of, from an upper middle class family with wealth. An only child with a trust fund that was spent on her education and being finished. She delights in telling you that she refused to come out in season even though she could have. She made her choice of H and that was the dashing engineer from the merchant navy who had many girlfriends. She collected him whilst shopping.

My parents have always danced together, dad is quite a twinkle toes, and they still do. It made me both sad and happy to see him wash her, gently comb her hair and say he was going to take her dancing on their anniversary. Dad is 95 and mum is 90 in August they have been married 65 years on August 6 and a big family party was planned.

I think my heart is broken as I look at the losses in life and to know there are more to come. If anything will carry her through its those not give up traits of hers that shine through despite all. I always thought I favoured my father although maybe a few of aged ma traits are emerging.

So dear friend I am not yet half an orphan, the Dunkirk spirit in ma fights back.

The stillness and peace that was coming back into my life is retreating a little.

A dear friend is now lost to me and my fins are still on the decline. I work too hard. All is as it should be.

I tread water again and feel selfish that I cry about everything these days and at the drop of a hat. I would like some fighting anger but it does not come.

Thank you for caring RD.

Ghost lovely to hear from you, your children are the light of your life and I am delighted you write so beautifully about them.

V

Hello V, I'm so sorry to read that your Mum isn't well (((((big hugs to you))))

It is good that she is out of intensive care, and yes it will give your Dad a little break. My Dad is also full time career for my Mum who has dementia. They are in their early 80s and their 60th will be coming up in a couple of years.

I understand what you are saying about the losses. I find that hard too - that I may lose my XH and possibly my Mum too in a shortish space of time. But I think the main thing is to cherish the time we do have, and do our best to be there for them in these difficult times.

Take care V, and I hope your Mum's health improves xx

Best wishes lady V.

good morning V, your ma and aged pa are both in our thoughts and prayers!!!!

Hi Lady V , whilst sad to hear of your Mums condition , her spirt could see her dancing at the party yet !!

Your writing about you parents is beautiful , the description of aged Pa, combing her hair whilst chatting about dancing particularly moving. Thank you

It ok to cry about things , your going through a lot right now and to be even functioning at a decent level is doing amazing

Take care sis. Rd. XOXO

I love your sweet description of your parents.

Having a man who can love me like your pa loces your ma is on my list of life goals. I hope I get as lucky as your ma.

I will keep them in my prayers.

Loves... not loces

Dorey

Loces is just find love and choices.

Works for me

V

Thank you RD and Zephyr your thoughts and prayers are welcome.

Sotto, I shall contact you as I going to Manchester often, it's odd there are more connections in life than just our lives. It is our being.

My ma and pa have less grey hair between them than I do but fewer teeth.

Roiste thank you.

Hugs

V

Love and prayers to you, ma and pa.

The description of the love story of your parents literally made my hormonal self cry, and I haven't cried in weeks.

Their love story is what I've always wished and prayed for. Your pa combing her hair really got me. That is true love, simple and beautiful. Big prayers to those lovely souls.

Sweet Lady V.

I have not the words to share as I read your latest news. Only that it did stir emotion in me.
I desired to reach out and share a hug. A hug with a person that has weathered so much in her life, and much more in her recent history.
The connection with parents, aging parents is a wonderful, bitter sweet relationship as time ticks on.
Father time becomes more visible, and our mortality becomes more tangible.
But as we are blessed to have the moments remaining that we have, to recognize the simple, yet powerful actions of our most dear role models.
You have frozen in time with your description a moment that is not from a story book, but from the perspective of a wonderful, loving daughter noticing the small acts of deep sincere love.
This invokes strong emotion inside of me, for which, I thank you for providing.

I pray for you and your parents, and all of your family that you may feel Gods love and know, that all will be well due to the love in your heart.

((((((((((Lady V))))))))))

V, what sweet words about your parents. This is exactly the kind of thing that I wanted, the very reason I picked out Mr. P to begin with, I thought that growing old together was the ultimate reason to marry him. How nice to see it in action for someone else. (((V)))

I am moving home to Surviving the Big D.

My time in Newcombers has come to an end. My life is more of the ordinary things and life events around a D, such as fins.

During my time here in Newcombers I decided to post to a Newcomber a week, someone whose story involved pain and distress. I could not cope with more. Some never responded, others moved on and some became part of my tribe. I will be posting as much as I can for those in seriously abusive situations, sadly I know a little of those and for those who are struggling with compulsion and addiction.

My stay in Newcombers has been a very long one- 2 years plus the 6 months I lurked. I move straight to Surviving the big D with no detours. Whilst xWH is lost in MLC, he has probably been there in denial for a very long time, longer than our R. He may have an undiagnosed personality disorder. His circus and his monkeys. I am not waiting or holding hope for R.

My M is done and whilst I am very sad and I still love xWH on some level. I recognise it's finished and I have made sure there is no way back. I expect at some stage the destructive force that is xWH will come back into my life looking to retarget me for resources. My mantra stands " I will not be abused" and that is in any way.

I am NC with xWH and have been so since 2 May 2015. It has helped although still he manages to trigger me.

The current activities include hacking, uploading inappropriate pictures to Facebook, smear campaigns, threatening to sue me, accusing me of theft, writing inappropriate letters to my L.

Living with a Russian Italian Tramp in Italy whilst pretending to be in the UK. A woman who trawls the expensive golf hotels of Europe looking for male companionship with money. (Short straw with xWH then, wonder if she has guessed yet?).

A man who is going to sue me for every penny he paid into our joint account for Bills because he thinks he paid too much.

Conspiring with an ex-client to defraud me. Setting me up with fake dating profiles in crazy parts of the world I have never been or ever expect to go to.

However I no longer live in fear and clever nephew is going to live with me here at the big house.

I am beginning to heal and this is my world. I am lonely sometimes and I prefer it to the destruction of xWH.

I like peace and prosperity in my life. I am a gentle empathetic soul. I was before xWH known as attractive and I lost that part of me. I am finding the scented powerful Vanilla instead of the plain Vanilla I was when I came here.

I have a long term respiratory condition I call fungus lung, my new part personality. 15 lbs of excess weight from steroids and I don't sleep very much. I trigger at the slightest thing and suffer from complex PTSD. My fins are in a mess. I no longer tread water though, I am swiming against the tide.

For all that this journey has been one of enormous learning and growth for me and as I arrive at the first staging post on my Everest I know I have begun this climb with enormously powerful allies.

So as I move forwards I would especially like to thank the following:

My loving bruv RD who has been so comforting and whose love story for his WW encouraged me to know that men are loving fathers and husbands. RD you were there for me on the darkest night of my life when even my IC said she could not cope with my trauma and I did not want to be in this world.

Sotto, who I seemed to follow around the board agreeing with her sage advice. I still do.

Dawn whose journey was far from smooth and who walked it with dignity and respect.

Jim, Gan, Susannah, Pyrite, MCS, Pigpen, Asitis, WhyUs all of who helped me through my darkest days in the last two years.

To Edz long gone who turned his sitch around with great humour and encouraged me to thread parties and to laughter.

My darling wonderful Greengrass who called my sitch abusive and stood by me through realisations about WH which damaged my self esteem. Greengrass you hold a very special place in my heart for your sheer sassy attitude and kick ass red heels.

For Mozza who is determined and who changed beyond all recognition.

Zues who is becoming whole in front of me and taught me white anger is enormously powerful.

My lovely Jellyb and her sweet sadness and power of authenticity.

For Mahhhty and his courage to love himself. Pink and her bravery to still love her MLC husband and wonderful warming posts.

For the true dads and powerful presence of Mutatio, Ghost, SH and HPoirot.

Most of all to Zelda, Ancaire, Mustardseed, Joe, Schermann and Rednail, whose support and understanding on abuse moved me to tears. These struggles would have been much harder without you. My journey much longer and the burdens so much heavier.

To the vets, Wonka, Cadet, Sandi and MrBond. All of whom have offered their 4x4 as needed.

To many others still contributing to my life Gmum, Pho, Uturn, Fogg and Zephyr. Know how much you to mean to me.

I move with a lightness of heart and my interaction with my tribe in Newcombers can continue for as long as you will have me. My current tribe I have not yet mentioned, you are walking along beside me here. The time will come when you grow into the new you, I am honoured and privileged to be a tiny part of your journey. There is more to come dear fellow travellers.

--------------------------------------

I join old hands with loving experience in Surviving the Big D. Please visit me there, there is always space and time for friends old and new.

Know that when you give and have the courage to post here that which you feel and see and when you cease to have the stiff upper lip and let the emotions flow, accepting them and being authentic that help comes in ways you can not ever expect and you built connection to your higher power.
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So what key lessons have I learned in Newcombers?

You need a great L. Interview L. Cards close chest. Know your rights from day 1. Document, document, record, diarise etc, keep the paperwork on your fins. Keep everything safely. Don't expect your L to do it all for you, provide information in batches. Keep convo to a minimum. If your spouse is high conflict then don't mediate or MC. Respond to queries promptly. Your L isn't an IC or a friend.

I believe in INTEL when you have INTEL you are knowing. INTEL is not snooping, snoop is poop. Others can get INTEL for you if you need to avoid triggers. The courts want proof not hear say. Photos, recording transcripts, copies of texts, reports, emails and legal docs are vital. Use screen shots. Keep your own INTEL private, no FB, be still. Use technology if you need to. DB is not for sharing.

Post about all the stuff, hurts, fears and love. All of it. Ask first before you email, text or ring there is terrific advice here.

Don't treat a wayward like a loving partner. A walkaway is not a wayward.

Above all detatch, this is the single biggest change that made the difference to my emotional sitch. My health improved the day I chose to detach, (which is letting go of the outcome and is not unattaching or moving on).

You have the gift of time, truly you do

Believe yourself and use observer mode on the actions and words of your spouse, the crazier they are the more you need this

I will not be abused ever again and I atoned for my reactive abuser screaming banshee even to WH. 12 steps is important and fits nicely with DB.

The human body and mind is remarkable in its ability to heal

You can love with all your heart and it's fine to stand for the principles of M without wanting to R with your other half

OW and OM are irrelevant, they are beyond slime and scum. My XWH had at least 7 some of whom may have been PA. Protect yourself from these ravages, there will always be a new OP coming, they are like buses. Damaged people damage people. No comparisons, good or bad with OP or others. Your sitch is your sitch.

Loving family and friends are important and vital.

Get great IC and don't do MC with a wayward.

Find mindfulness, learn, learn, learn, read DR every month, laminate Sandi rules, listen to Ted Talks, attend courses and self help workshops. Connect with your higher power. Read the stories here and share. Comforting others is important, compassion for all.

Love yourself truly and deeply with all your flaws, you are ok, you are higher power.

Accept your part, atone and clean up your own side of the street. Play in your own sandbox, have your own circus and monkeys. Get your stuff together as best you can. Pick yourself up every day.

Find the funny side in it, truly there is one and there have been belly laughs on the way. One day this will be part of your story. No revenge or resentment please, reframe with dignified cynicism. If there are lies, gaslighting and smoke with mirrors, smile you found it so document it in case you need it.

It is ok not to forgive, let the higher power of your spouse do that in their time. The best for you is thriving. Let Karma have the rest.

Move forward when you can, stand when you must, and if you backtrack forgive.

Be self centred not selfish.

Extreme self care with your mental physical and emotional health. Give up the bad habits including drinking, tv, bad food and slobbing. Eat well, exercise, meet friends, get out of bed when you wake. GAL as much as you can. Be compassionate to yourself and others.

For me no dating until I am ready to be whole even if I am not yet there.

Have achievable goals for every day and others for longer term. Inching forward is fine

Live for today, for now, for in the meantime, it's perfectly ok.

Develop enough that you need never visit this space again, if your R repairs do that which works. It's fine if your R repairs and it's OK to let it go as it will.

If you have children they come first, last and everything.

Finally:

More than all of this, above everything, continue to love and project love. Yes even to your walkaway, wayward, MLCer and/or Abuser. Even know an OP is a damaged person and worthy of love, I love the OW in xWH life as they are great learning experiences. The current OW7 will save me lots of cash! Love yourself with a passion.

Over to Surviving the Big D, please post to me there.

V

Best wishes and good luck

Surviving the big D

I am here please call in

V

Originally Posted By: roist

Best wishes and good luck

Please visit me Roist, you are part of my tribe here.

V

My guardian angel!

^^^Bump^^^ for new arrivals to read as there is much wisdom in this story.