Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/24/16 12:29 PM
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/24/16 12:43 PM
Old thread
New thread
One thread
Two thread
Here a thread
There a thread
Everywhere a thread thread
Who said I could hijack this thread?
Dr. Seuss is dead
So it must be doodler instead
New thread
One thread
Two thread
Here a thread
There a thread
Everywhere a thread thread
Who said I could hijack this thread?
Dr. Seuss is dead
So it must be doodler instead
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/24/16 12:50 PM
Nice doodler! I needed a good laugh this afternoon.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/24/16 01:32 PM
Jim, nobody wants you to sacrifice for anyone. Don't make any decisions now. You are way too raw emotionally. It is easy to make decisions you regret later (I have already made a few that I look at now and think I shouldn't have made) .
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/24/16 02:24 PM
Thanks doodler! Made me laugh.
Rich, Painter, lfm, thanks again for the input.
She just spoke with the boys. I spoke with her after to discuss pick up time on Monday. She brought up a concern about S7. Apparently he told her on the phone that he is uncomfortable with the babysitter. She then said she has a right to know who is watching her kids and that she did not realize I had not put them in daycare. I said I understood and reminded her this is my parenting time with the boys but I would let her know next time.
I also told her I would speak with S7. He said he was uncomfortable because he is used to mommy watching him. I told him I understand that it is hard and that someone needs to watch him while dad works. He understood and then went to play.
I don't plan on making any decisions about the move in the near future. I have to let things play out with the D.
Even if I did LRT and 180s I know it wouldn't save my M after all the things STBX and I have gone through in the past 7 months. And she also has the financial support from her parents. I can't believe that her parents actually condone this behavior.
Also, I don't think I will be ever able to watch a movie again. I watched "The Intern" last night and the stay at home dad had an A for 18 months. But of course he dropped the A at the end of the movie. What crap! That's not reality because in my world, STBX would take everything she could.
Rich, Painter, lfm, thanks again for the input.
She just spoke with the boys. I spoke with her after to discuss pick up time on Monday. She brought up a concern about S7. Apparently he told her on the phone that he is uncomfortable with the babysitter. She then said she has a right to know who is watching her kids and that she did not realize I had not put them in daycare. I said I understood and reminded her this is my parenting time with the boys but I would let her know next time.
I also told her I would speak with S7. He said he was uncomfortable because he is used to mommy watching him. I told him I understand that it is hard and that someone needs to watch him while dad works. He understood and then went to play.
I don't plan on making any decisions about the move in the near future. I have to let things play out with the D.
Even if I did LRT and 180s I know it wouldn't save my M after all the things STBX and I have gone through in the past 7 months. And she also has the financial support from her parents. I can't believe that her parents actually condone this behavior.
Also, I don't think I will be ever able to watch a movie again. I watched "The Intern" last night and the stay at home dad had an A for 18 months. But of course he dropped the A at the end of the movie. What crap! That's not reality because in my world, STBX would take everything she could.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/24/16 03:09 PM
I'm sorry there's ongoing issues... I see that she is fighting dirty.
Kids pick up on things really fast. If they can tell that one parent wants to hear bad stuff about the other, they will accommodate.
When my stepkids were younger, I had to put a stop to ongoing b*tchfests at the dinner table about H's exW. They sensed that their dad enjoyed it and they bonded over the negativity. I told them that if something really bad happened, or if something made them scared or sad, they could come to us always, at any time - but that we should have a good time at the dinner table and talk about their day at school or things they were looking forward to, not how awful their mother was, because it wasn't good for the digestion.
Some of their complaints were legit - she was a scary, mentally ill and abusive person, but the stuff that came up at dinner was just things that were not really bad at all - and I could tell it was to feed H.
I would probably have a friendly chat with S7 and say that if there's something he's not comfortable with at your house, or needs help with, he should come to you first, because you're the one who can do something to fix it. And the other way around, if there's something going on there, he should talk to her about it first, so she can take care of it. Although he's used to maybe always telling his mom what's wrong, he can tell you, too.
Kids pick up on things really fast. If they can tell that one parent wants to hear bad stuff about the other, they will accommodate.
When my stepkids were younger, I had to put a stop to ongoing b*tchfests at the dinner table about H's exW. They sensed that their dad enjoyed it and they bonded over the negativity. I told them that if something really bad happened, or if something made them scared or sad, they could come to us always, at any time - but that we should have a good time at the dinner table and talk about their day at school or things they were looking forward to, not how awful their mother was, because it wasn't good for the digestion.
Some of their complaints were legit - she was a scary, mentally ill and abusive person, but the stuff that came up at dinner was just things that were not really bad at all - and I could tell it was to feed H.
I would probably have a friendly chat with S7 and say that if there's something he's not comfortable with at your house, or needs help with, he should come to you first, because you're the one who can do something to fix it. And the other way around, if there's something going on there, he should talk to her about it first, so she can take care of it. Although he's used to maybe always telling his mom what's wrong, he can tell you, too.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/25/16 09:28 AM
SH
Inread the article "The truth about divorce" that you recommended. I understand the impact it has but confused as to how it applies to my sitch. I feel that my STBX is a narcissist which is driving this D to cost a lot.
I could go the other direction and get this done and give up the house in Canada and ask for 50/50 custody and have things be better but I guess I am also still fighting based on principle. The article says that drives a D to cost a lot also.
If I did what the DB coach suggested then I would be living in Canada now and have 50/50 custody there aand possibly a better R with STBX.
Inread the article "The truth about divorce" that you recommended. I understand the impact it has but confused as to how it applies to my sitch. I feel that my STBX is a narcissist which is driving this D to cost a lot.
I could go the other direction and get this done and give up the house in Canada and ask for 50/50 custody and have things be better but I guess I am also still fighting based on principle. The article says that drives a D to cost a lot also.
If I did what the DB coach suggested then I would be living in Canada now and have 50/50 custody there aand possibly a better R with STBX.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/25/16 12:37 PM
Well this morning was a disaster. I was tired and did not feel like doing much. The apartment is a mess. Made breakfast for the boys, they played outside and then made lunch. We started to get dressed to go to the pool and I broke down crying again. One of the boys asked why I was crying and the other said because he misses mom. I took them to the pool, they had fun and now they are napping. We have a graduation party to go to when they wake up. I have a full day of GAL but just can't get out of this funk.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/25/16 12:47 PM
You can't allow this.
It is a form of using the kids to try to control or manipulate WAW. It is putting them in the middle. It is making them feel guilty for loving their mom because they're conflicted by how they feel knowing she is hurting you. And if this gets back to her, and it will in some way or form, she will be furious with you, more rebellious than ever, and justified in feelings so.
What you needed to do was excuse yourself and go to the bathroom.
Maybe you didn't have the tools to handle the situation. Maybe you didn't realize the kind of damage it could cause. I understand being broken hearted, seeing other happy couples with kids at the pool. I understand wanting to be validated, and wanting someone to understand the pain in your heart. But not your kids.
Do you have the tools now to shield them from any pain you're feeling?
I know it can be done. I was as hurt as anyone about the loss of my M, but I'm diligent about this. I don't talk about their mom, I don't show them pain, I don't pry about their mom's lives, when they bring up their mom's boyfriend I don't continue the conversation, but nor do I react like they said something taboo. It can be done.
You got it from here? Anything we can do to help?
It is a form of using the kids to try to control or manipulate WAW. It is putting them in the middle. It is making them feel guilty for loving their mom because they're conflicted by how they feel knowing she is hurting you. And if this gets back to her, and it will in some way or form, she will be furious with you, more rebellious than ever, and justified in feelings so.
What you needed to do was excuse yourself and go to the bathroom.
Maybe you didn't have the tools to handle the situation. Maybe you didn't realize the kind of damage it could cause. I understand being broken hearted, seeing other happy couples with kids at the pool. I understand wanting to be validated, and wanting someone to understand the pain in your heart. But not your kids.
Do you have the tools now to shield them from any pain you're feeling?
I know it can be done. I was as hurt as anyone about the loss of my M, but I'm diligent about this. I don't talk about their mom, I don't show them pain, I don't pry about their mom's lives, when they bring up their mom's boyfriend I don't continue the conversation, but nor do I react like they said something taboo. It can be done.
You got it from here? Anything we can do to help?
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/25/16 03:50 PM
Thanks for the support Zues.
I understand now.
I understand now.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/25/16 04:46 PM
All good Jim. Glad you didn't take it wrong. Can't change the past, no reason to feel bad. Fact is you're only a few months in. Everyone fumbles, or encounters situations they couldn't anticipate. What matters is how you adapt and lead forward. You are one of the toughest posters I've seen so I know you will navigate through this.
And yes, this situation stinks. I can remember taking my kids to the waterpark and seeing all the happy couples. What could've been a great time with my kids was tainted by such a loss.
But there is loss everywhere in the world. Just watched "Spare Parts", a movie about some illegal immigrants in high school that overcame the odds. It was a good movie, but it reminded me of how hard it is everywhere. Children that were born in the US lose their parents to immigration, that is nothing they did wrong. And that's just one tragedy. People are killed in car crashes. People get sick. In the end every couple is separated in one way, shape or form. What matters is what we do while we're here, and how we use the teensy bit of influence we have.
If you can honor the anguish of seeing all of that, then set it aside long enough to enjoy at least a bit of the good things you've been given, shield your children from the pain for a bit while modeling the tools of how to handle the adversity in their future...well, you're doing what you can and have a lot to be proud of.
And yes, this situation stinks. I can remember taking my kids to the waterpark and seeing all the happy couples. What could've been a great time with my kids was tainted by such a loss.
But there is loss everywhere in the world. Just watched "Spare Parts", a movie about some illegal immigrants in high school that overcame the odds. It was a good movie, but it reminded me of how hard it is everywhere. Children that were born in the US lose their parents to immigration, that is nothing they did wrong. And that's just one tragedy. People are killed in car crashes. People get sick. In the end every couple is separated in one way, shape or form. What matters is what we do while we're here, and how we use the teensy bit of influence we have.
If you can honor the anguish of seeing all of that, then set it aside long enough to enjoy at least a bit of the good things you've been given, shield your children from the pain for a bit while modeling the tools of how to handle the adversity in their future...well, you're doing what you can and have a lot to be proud of.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/25/16 09:10 PM
Well the evening went a little bit better. Went to the graduation party and the boys had a blast.
That makes me happy when they are worn out at the end of the night! Let them run around and play and had all kinds of family and friends watching them and interacting with them! I love seeing them happy!
That makes me happy when they are worn out at the end of the night! Let them run around and play and had all kinds of family and friends watching them and interacting with them! I love seeing them happy!
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/25/16 10:19 PM
Originally Posted By: JimKao
SH
Inread the article "The truth about divorce" that you recommended. I understand the impact it has but confused as to how it applies to my sitch. I feel that my STBX is a narcissist which is driving this D to cost a lot.
I could go the other direction and get this done and give up the house in Canada and ask for 50/50 custody and have things be better but I guess I am also still fighting based on principle. The article says that drives a D to cost a lot also.
If I did what the DB coach suggested then I would be living in Canada now and have 50/50 custody there aand possibly a better R with STBX.
Inread the article "The truth about divorce" that you recommended. I understand the impact it has but confused as to how it applies to my sitch. I feel that my STBX is a narcissist which is driving this D to cost a lot.
I could go the other direction and get this done and give up the house in Canada and ask for 50/50 custody and have things be better but I guess I am also still fighting based on principle. The article says that drives a D to cost a lot also.
If I did what the DB coach suggested then I would be living in Canada now and have 50/50 custody there aand possibly a better R with STBX.
JK check out the other blog posts by her and you can find info that applies for you.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/26/16 12:32 AM
Good for you JimKao, great to hear you had a fantastic time with your boys!
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/26/16 06:04 AM
SH
So I read more of the blog posts.
Honestly this D would be over with if my STBX realized she needs to work to live.
Not saying that I can control that de ision by her at all.
I just have two things to finish in this D then I know we will be able to resolve the rest quickly.
Custody and the house in Canada. Once those two things are cleaned up then I will be able to move on.
I still plan on moving there for my boys, I just can't show my cards right now due to her sense of entightlement. If she ends up getting to keep the house then oh well, I won't dwell over it. I just won't allow her to teach the boys bad behavior of it being ok to use people even their own family to survive. Moving there will be my choice, not to win her back but to ensure my boys have as much time with mom as they can without having to drive 9 hours round trip.
I take ownership for two things that she wanted. Quitting smoking and not making rime for her. I have a lot to do still to make me the best person I can be no matter where I live. Maybe someday when her anger subsides she will forgive but for now I just have to make sure I take care of myself to be the best dad I can be.
We are both to blame for destroying this M. I learned a lot about my W from the DB coaches. It may take many years for STBX to acknowledge my changes so I will leave the door cracked a bit and continue to be the lighthouse for the sake of my boys.
So I read more of the blog posts.
Honestly this D would be over with if my STBX realized she needs to work to live.
Not saying that I can control that de ision by her at all.
I just have two things to finish in this D then I know we will be able to resolve the rest quickly.
Custody and the house in Canada. Once those two things are cleaned up then I will be able to move on.
I still plan on moving there for my boys, I just can't show my cards right now due to her sense of entightlement. If she ends up getting to keep the house then oh well, I won't dwell over it. I just won't allow her to teach the boys bad behavior of it being ok to use people even their own family to survive. Moving there will be my choice, not to win her back but to ensure my boys have as much time with mom as they can without having to drive 9 hours round trip.
I take ownership for two things that she wanted. Quitting smoking and not making rime for her. I have a lot to do still to make me the best person I can be no matter where I live. Maybe someday when her anger subsides she will forgive but for now I just have to make sure I take care of myself to be the best dad I can be.
We are both to blame for destroying this M. I learned a lot about my W from the DB coaches. It may take many years for STBX to acknowledge my changes so I will leave the door cracked a bit and continue to be the lighthouse for the sake of my boys.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/26/16 08:08 AM
((Jim)), I know myself well enough to say I would probably be a lot like you in wanting her to see the changes. I believe her validation of your changes are too important for you, and perhaps it prevents some detaching. She appears to be a very stubborn individual, and she may never tell you that she sees, or approves, the changes. Can you accept it, if she doesn't?
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/26/16 08:59 AM
Sandi,
As the book and people on this forum say, do this for you and not for your M. I have no expectations that she will come back. I feel she is too selfish for that. In my gut if she does remarry it will be to someone who makes her feel like a princess. It may be too late by the time.
Either way those changes are good for me and my boys. I never wanted to stop the move to Toronto but I also was not going to allow her to continue on with her A and risk a D there because that would just hurt me financially for a longer period of time and would be major cake eating for her.
From a different POV, would that have filled her love bucket more? IDK. But I did commit to moving up there with the boys and I want to keep my promise no matter the outcome of my M. I will get to do the same things there with my boys and build a friendship with her. I also wanted to live a vibrant life but I guess I will do that without her now.
I am a laid back easy going guy who was concerned with providing a middle class life for my boys and W on a single income. She should realize it was a privilege for her to be able to live like that. I will not let her and her family dictate my future though which is why I have to go through with the D. Who knows what the future will hold. Maybe a new R, maybe not, but I can't let someone who does not want to be in an M dictate when and what decisions I make.
On another note, STBX charged $665 buying bunk beds and car seats for the boys and just this morning charged another $485 for more things. My L said we will have to bring this up in mediation but STBX doesn't even have the courtesy to discuss anything with me. She still thinks she can run over me. I truly hope that I come out of this somewhat OK financially but her continued poor behavior does not put her in a good position.
I deserve respect as a person and she does not even give me that. I am not a POS that she can just push around so we will let the reality of life run its course and see what both STBX and I get out of this.
As the book and people on this forum say, do this for you and not for your M. I have no expectations that she will come back. I feel she is too selfish for that. In my gut if she does remarry it will be to someone who makes her feel like a princess. It may be too late by the time.
Either way those changes are good for me and my boys. I never wanted to stop the move to Toronto but I also was not going to allow her to continue on with her A and risk a D there because that would just hurt me financially for a longer period of time and would be major cake eating for her.
From a different POV, would that have filled her love bucket more? IDK. But I did commit to moving up there with the boys and I want to keep my promise no matter the outcome of my M. I will get to do the same things there with my boys and build a friendship with her. I also wanted to live a vibrant life but I guess I will do that without her now.
I am a laid back easy going guy who was concerned with providing a middle class life for my boys and W on a single income. She should realize it was a privilege for her to be able to live like that. I will not let her and her family dictate my future though which is why I have to go through with the D. Who knows what the future will hold. Maybe a new R, maybe not, but I can't let someone who does not want to be in an M dictate when and what decisions I make.
On another note, STBX charged $665 buying bunk beds and car seats for the boys and just this morning charged another $485 for more things. My L said we will have to bring this up in mediation but STBX doesn't even have the courtesy to discuss anything with me. She still thinks she can run over me. I truly hope that I come out of this somewhat OK financially but her continued poor behavior does not put her in a good position.
I deserve respect as a person and she does not even give me that. I am not a POS that she can just push around so we will let the reality of life run its course and see what both STBX and I get out of this.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/26/16 09:07 AM
JK
You will have "some relief" of the anger and it will help with detachment when the financial aspects are taken care of. Mine is partly there as she is similar to your STBX with no job and sense of entitlement on spending etc....
Is there not a reason you haven't cut off the credit cards and have her get her own and you your own? Yeah..she will be angry but she is already and maybe this will wake her up in one aspect of the fog she is in...that she needs to take care of herself financially.
You will have "some relief" of the anger and it will help with detachment when the financial aspects are taken care of. Mine is partly there as she is similar to your STBX with no job and sense of entitlement on spending etc....
Is there not a reason you haven't cut off the credit cards and have her get her own and you your own? Yeah..she will be angry but she is already and maybe this will wake her up in one aspect of the fog she is in...that she needs to take care of herself financially.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/26/16 09:17 AM
Since we never had a seperation agreement I cannot. Trust me, that was one of the first things I asked my L. I guess in Michigan I have to wait this out until the D is final.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/26/16 10:37 AM
Can you not lower the limit on the credit card? Are you the primary on the card? I am curious if you should get a second opinion on that - something doesn't sound right.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/26/16 10:43 AM
This is not a link to another divorce website so I hope it is allowed - it's info about shared credit card accounts.
http://www.creditcards.com/credit-card-n...-cards-1294.php
http://www.creditcards.com/credit-card-n...-cards-1294.php
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/26/16 11:17 AM
I am just going to let it max out now and pay the minimum.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/26/16 11:26 AM
Jimkao,
I have several questions for you about the finances.
If and is filed is there not some sort of freeze on the accounts and debts?
My other question is why would you allow her to max out the card and then pay the minimum? Why should you be on the hook for that?
I have several questions for you about the finances.
If and is filed is there not some sort of freeze on the accounts and debts?
My other question is why would you allow her to max out the card and then pay the minimum? Why should you be on the hook for that?
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/26/16 11:56 AM
You may very well end up getting stuck with the debt. I would not do this if I were you, I think you got bad advise.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/26/16 12:35 PM
SH
The equity from the house is in a trust account. Neither of us can touch that money. The remaining money is in our joint checking account. We have both agreed and signed documents that state we will not spend an excessive amount of money on purchases.
She continues to think she will be an SAHM and acts like we are still married. We will just finalize it in mediation.
Painter
I only have two months to the trial date so the debt will be split by mid August. There is nothing in the CC that doesnt have to do with directly providing for the boys and I.
The equity from the house is in a trust account. Neither of us can touch that money. The remaining money is in our joint checking account. We have both agreed and signed documents that state we will not spend an excessive amount of money on purchases.
She continues to think she will be an SAHM and acts like we are still married. We will just finalize it in mediation.
Painter
I only have two months to the trial date so the debt will be split by mid August. There is nothing in the CC that doesnt have to do with directly providing for the boys and I.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/26/16 06:20 PM
Originally Posted By: Zues126
All good Jim. Glad you didn't take it wrong. Can't change the past, no reason to feel bad. Fact is you're only a few months in. Everyone fumbles, or encounters situations they couldn't anticipate. What matters is how you adapt and lead forward. You are one of the toughest posters I've seen so I know you will navigate through this.
Zues,
I just saw this. I am going to take the posters comment as a compliment!
I put up with a lot with WW, gave everything I could and did everything I could. I guess I know how to pick them!
I took the boys to a Greek Festival today. They had fun playing and I met up with some friends and also saw a lot of people in the Greek community that I know.
As people have been finding out about my sitch they have offered help. Even had one person tell me that if I needed a place to stay for a couple of days, weeks or months in Toronto I could go stay with his mother if I decide to move there after the D. It is amazing to see how supportive my community is.
Mentally I am getting stronger. Not thinking about WW too much if any. I will get through this, life is starting to normalize a bit even though there will be more roller coasters ahead!
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/26/16 08:24 PM
JK: When are you in Toronto?
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/26/16 10:32 PM
Hi JK! You are right - the roller coaster ride will keep rolling on. Make the most of the days when it's climbing up and remind yourself that the difficult days are only temporary dips in the ride.
You are doing so well. I'm glad that you enjoyed the Greek Fest and that you are finding support in your community. So many people have known pain in their own relationships, and want nothing more than to help spare you some of that same pain.
Hang in there. You are growing every single day.
You are doing so well. I'm glad that you enjoyed the Greek Fest and that you are finding support in your community. So many people have known pain in their own relationships, and want nothing more than to help spare you some of that same pain.
Hang in there. You are growing every single day.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/27/16 04:25 AM
Bigy,
I may come up this weekend. It's my birthday on Sunday so thinking I might visit some friends and then pick up my boys on Monday from STBX. I will let tou know for sure by Wednesday.
Painter
Thanks again for the support. Things are getting better everyday. Life is too short and I will do what I can to make the best of it.
I may come up this weekend. It's my birthday on Sunday so thinking I might visit some friends and then pick up my boys on Monday from STBX. I will let tou know for sure by Wednesday.
Painter
Thanks again for the support. Things are getting better everyday. Life is too short and I will do what I can to make the best of it.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/27/16 07:16 AM
JK: Please let me know. FYI - Saturday, I'm flexible as W has the boys Sunday I'll be with S10. FYI - I live very close to the main "Greek" section of town. I'm not sure how to pass you my contact details.
Oh yea - Happy Birthday
Oh yea - Happy Birthday
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/28/16 04:54 AM
Why is it that now I have become the most talkative person in the world.
Did not sleep well last night didn't think of STBX just tossed and turned.
I can't seem to quit this smoking either no matter what I've tried.
I'll beat a dead horse talking about my stbx to some friends. My mind is just tired of thinking about this whole situation.
Did not sleep well last night didn't think of STBX just tossed and turned.
I can't seem to quit this smoking either no matter what I've tried.
I'll beat a dead horse talking about my stbx to some friends. My mind is just tired of thinking about this whole situation.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/28/16 09:06 AM
JimKao,
I saw your thread because you mentioned my username. Then I read the 3-4 pages after that. I'll just make a few observations based on this little nothing and I'll see myself out.
If you want to start exercising, I recommend the 7-minute workout. It's done at home, with just a wall and a chair. That's how I started and now I go to the gym 3 times a week.
Your perception of your WW is unhelpful. You see wrong in just about everything that you report here. As others have told you, it's normal to have separate clothes in separate homes. Telling her about daycare and babysitter arrangements is normal too. You mind-read and interpret everything that she does as selfish and against you. It isn't. In her own way, she is reasonable and doing her best. Sometimes it comes out wrong, like it does between friends, lovers, family, coworkers. Forgive her when it happens.
You also think of yourself as a victim. You're the poor dad who only wants to be a good person, while she's a selfish psychopath that doesn't care about the kids. Really? Really? A more nuanced vision of the current situation (not of what lead to it) would also help you heal. And I'd like to second everything Zues126 wrote you on June 25th.
Once, I was seething against STBX when I realized that I was alone in my living room and she had no idea this was even happening. I was the only victim of my thoughts. It was a turning point for me. From that moment on, I let go a lot of the negative thoughts I had for her.
By the way, I relate to the sleepless nights regarding OM. I had terrible physical jealousy when STBX left me for him. It's very, very painful, even physically. I'm with you.
Safe travels on the road to happiness. You decide how long it is.
I saw your thread because you mentioned my username. Then I read the 3-4 pages after that. I'll just make a few observations based on this little nothing and I'll see myself out.
If you want to start exercising, I recommend the 7-minute workout. It's done at home, with just a wall and a chair. That's how I started and now I go to the gym 3 times a week.
Your perception of your WW is unhelpful. You see wrong in just about everything that you report here. As others have told you, it's normal to have separate clothes in separate homes. Telling her about daycare and babysitter arrangements is normal too. You mind-read and interpret everything that she does as selfish and against you. It isn't. In her own way, she is reasonable and doing her best. Sometimes it comes out wrong, like it does between friends, lovers, family, coworkers. Forgive her when it happens.
You also think of yourself as a victim. You're the poor dad who only wants to be a good person, while she's a selfish psychopath that doesn't care about the kids. Really? Really? A more nuanced vision of the current situation (not of what lead to it) would also help you heal. And I'd like to second everything Zues126 wrote you on June 25th.
Once, I was seething against STBX when I realized that I was alone in my living room and she had no idea this was even happening. I was the only victim of my thoughts. It was a turning point for me. From that moment on, I let go a lot of the negative thoughts I had for her.
By the way, I relate to the sleepless nights regarding OM. I had terrible physical jealousy when STBX left me for him. It's very, very painful, even physically. I'm with you.
Safe travels on the road to happiness. You decide how long it is.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/28/16 10:43 AM
Mozza,
I appreciate the feedback.
I did not mean to have my comments come across as me being the victim. I am working on my issues. I know what I did to drive her away from the M.
It just frustrates me because she feels like she should be a SAHM and that I need to pay the price for the remainder of my our children's lives because of my actions.
As far as the menial things like clothing and assets, the court will decide and I guess I will get my money back when we go through mediation.
She has been sitting on her a$$ not looking for a job for 7 months now. That is her prerogative and I can't control that. I guess we will both see what reality is when the trial date arrives and the D is final.
I get that she is doing her best. I never questioned her actions in the MR in the past, but I can't just roll over and allow her to take everything from me. I realize that she views my actions as trying to be controlling and I am sure she feels like I am trying to force her to get a job. That is not what I am doing. She is the one that filed now so this is on her. I am only trying to protect my half. She disagrees with what the definition of half is.
I don't hate my WW. I ultimately think we both wanted the same things, we just or I just did not see her vision to support her very simple wishes.
I appreciate the feedback.
I did not mean to have my comments come across as me being the victim. I am working on my issues. I know what I did to drive her away from the M.
It just frustrates me because she feels like she should be a SAHM and that I need to pay the price for the remainder of my our children's lives because of my actions.
As far as the menial things like clothing and assets, the court will decide and I guess I will get my money back when we go through mediation.
She has been sitting on her a$$ not looking for a job for 7 months now. That is her prerogative and I can't control that. I guess we will both see what reality is when the trial date arrives and the D is final.
I get that she is doing her best. I never questioned her actions in the MR in the past, but I can't just roll over and allow her to take everything from me. I realize that she views my actions as trying to be controlling and I am sure she feels like I am trying to force her to get a job. That is not what I am doing. She is the one that filed now so this is on her. I am only trying to protect my half. She disagrees with what the definition of half is.
I don't hate my WW. I ultimately think we both wanted the same things, we just or I just did not see her vision to support her very simple wishes.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/28/16 11:00 AM
JK
You are controlling....so I am. Your STBX feels helpless and you are controlling things which...since you work and make the $$$$...you by definition ARE!
Its crazy talk to even have to have these discussions isn't it? It is the same thing for my STBX. Get a job! Stop looking for a handout! And we would not be controlling a thing except working together on raising the kids and co parenting!
You are controlling....so I am. Your STBX feels helpless and you are controlling things which...since you work and make the $$$$...you by definition ARE!
Its crazy talk to even have to have these discussions isn't it? It is the same thing for my STBX. Get a job! Stop looking for a handout! And we would not be controlling a thing except working together on raising the kids and co parenting!
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/28/16 11:16 AM
Your W is a SAHM to 5 boys aged 7 and under. she has been raising her sons, and quite honestly, I'd be begging to work if that was me. I can imagine the astronomical full-time cost for childcare on 5 young boys. Ummm, she hasn't just been sitting on her arse.
The courts will decide this too. There is great value in a SAHM. The courts will decide employability, and how much time she has to find a job. Also, you guys will most likely split childcare costs based on salary (you make more, you pay more, and you also pay for childcare as a whole, not just what is on your time.
I know you hurt and you feel like she made this choice and she should pay.
I'm curious. With 5 very young boys, did you think her being a SAHM wasn't a good idea? Was it a mutual decision or did you she should have worked and you guys should have paid for childcare?
The courts will decide this too. There is great value in a SAHM. The courts will decide employability, and how much time she has to find a job. Also, you guys will most likely split childcare costs based on salary (you make more, you pay more, and you also pay for childcare as a whole, not just what is on your time.
I know you hurt and you feel like she made this choice and she should pay.
I'm curious. With 5 very young boys, did you think her being a SAHM wasn't a good idea? Was it a mutual decision or did you she should have worked and you guys should have paid for childcare?
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/28/16 11:24 AM
Rich,
My biggest 180/LRT would be to go back to being the doormat.
Move to Toronto, let her raise the boys and me continue to work while she lives off of everyone else. I will live the single life and see the boys when she wants me to and when she asks me to take them to all their activities.
All the things I would do if I were married to her but no commitment to the M.
Yeah sure! No problem! (Excuse the sarcasm).
If I did this, her short term view would be he cares about me and the role of being a mom. But my STBXH will pay the price for his emotional mistakes he made last December. We will be the best co parents based on her terms.
My biggest 180/LRT would be to go back to being the doormat.
Move to Toronto, let her raise the boys and me continue to work while she lives off of everyone else. I will live the single life and see the boys when she wants me to and when she asks me to take them to all their activities.
All the things I would do if I were married to her but no commitment to the M.
Yeah sure! No problem! (Excuse the sarcasm).
If I did this, her short term view would be he cares about me and the role of being a mom. But my STBXH will pay the price for his emotional mistakes he made last December. We will be the best co parents based on her terms.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/28/16 02:08 PM
What are the chances that we tell you to be a doormat?
What we're saying is that, through all the rage and anger (which we've all shared), you need to keep a cool head to choose your interactions and decisions. Saying that she's "sitting on her arse" while she is raising 5 boys (!) below the age of 8? My full-time job looks much more like "sitting on my arse" that what she has to do every day (I wouldn't last 3 hours). A comedian said "My mother never had a job: she had too much work." Just because it isn't paid doesn't mean it's not work.
I don't know the details of your situation, but there are good reasons why SAHP are protected by the law when they D. I'll grant you however that it is absolutely infuriating to be the one left to pay the bill while she's with OM. I feel you. It didn't happen to me, but it came close and I went through a lot of emotions.
I think deep down you're angry that she takes control back. You do sound controlling. You're upset every time things don't go your way and you assume immediately that she's acting in bad faith and to control you (which might be projection - you assume she thinks like you do).
If you manage to take a step back and look at things that will benefit you and your kids, you will benefit most. You say "We'll see what the court says". Well, what do you think they'll say? What if a judge tries to make an objective decision? Can you guess what it would be? Can you get there without the costs of a lawyer?
Look, we're here to commiserate with you and we're on your side. That sometimes mean helping you see what you're not seeing, what you're not ready to see. To point on the horizon where you should be headed.
In the past, I came here with all sorts of dilemmas: "She wants this. Is it reasonable?" and countless time people have turned around my perception, making me realize that what she was asking was reasonable, or that I could stand my ground as I was the reasonable one.
One of the things I'm happiest about my whole D process is that I always controlled my actions and words, from day 1. Today I hold my head up high and people can't believe what a good man I've been given what she put me through (short story: she left me for a guy she met 3 weeks earlier, denying there was even someone, then moving with him). Had I thrown a fit or tried to get back at her through the D, I would have been engulfed in it, emotionally and financially (with my kids). I got a very good deal because I made reasonable requests that she couldn't deny, and because my cool head built my credibility. My good behavior got me out of this faster than anything.
What we're saying is that, through all the rage and anger (which we've all shared), you need to keep a cool head to choose your interactions and decisions. Saying that she's "sitting on her arse" while she is raising 5 boys (!) below the age of 8? My full-time job looks much more like "sitting on my arse" that what she has to do every day (I wouldn't last 3 hours). A comedian said "My mother never had a job: she had too much work." Just because it isn't paid doesn't mean it's not work.
I don't know the details of your situation, but there are good reasons why SAHP are protected by the law when they D. I'll grant you however that it is absolutely infuriating to be the one left to pay the bill while she's with OM. I feel you. It didn't happen to me, but it came close and I went through a lot of emotions.
I think deep down you're angry that she takes control back. You do sound controlling. You're upset every time things don't go your way and you assume immediately that she's acting in bad faith and to control you (which might be projection - you assume she thinks like you do).
If you manage to take a step back and look at things that will benefit you and your kids, you will benefit most. You say "We'll see what the court says". Well, what do you think they'll say? What if a judge tries to make an objective decision? Can you guess what it would be? Can you get there without the costs of a lawyer?
Look, we're here to commiserate with you and we're on your side. That sometimes mean helping you see what you're not seeing, what you're not ready to see. To point on the horizon where you should be headed.
In the past, I came here with all sorts of dilemmas: "She wants this. Is it reasonable?" and countless time people have turned around my perception, making me realize that what she was asking was reasonable, or that I could stand my ground as I was the reasonable one.
One of the things I'm happiest about my whole D process is that I always controlled my actions and words, from day 1. Today I hold my head up high and people can't believe what a good man I've been given what she put me through (short story: she left me for a guy she met 3 weeks earlier, denying there was even someone, then moving with him). Had I thrown a fit or tried to get back at her through the D, I would have been engulfed in it, emotionally and financially (with my kids). I got a very good deal because I made reasonable requests that she couldn't deny, and because my cool head built my credibility. My good behavior got me out of this faster than anything.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/28/16 03:55 PM
Mozza,
I started writing a novel and then erased it.
I appreciate the input. If you choose, read my sitch from the start and it will give you clarity as to why I am not budging at this point.
All I can say is I really want my family back under one roof but know I can't have that and I am trying to make the best choices I can for me and my kids without getting taken advantage of by my STBX who I still love and would give everything to if she loved me back.
From your last post you sound like my STBX and have brought a lot of emotions back for me. It makes me feel like I meant nothing to her. I just don't know what to say anymore.
I started writing a novel and then erased it.
I appreciate the input. If you choose, read my sitch from the start and it will give you clarity as to why I am not budging at this point.
All I can say is I really want my family back under one roof but know I can't have that and I am trying to make the best choices I can for me and my kids without getting taken advantage of by my STBX who I still love and would give everything to if she loved me back.
From your last post you sound like my STBX and have brought a lot of emotions back for me. It makes me feel like I meant nothing to her. I just don't know what to say anymore.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/28/16 04:13 PM
Yourbpost also makes me feel guilty for my actions. I am truly remorseful for what I did and can't fix it.
The only thing I can do now is try and make it right by moving there so we co parent together which I plan to do after I resolve two issues
The only thing I can do now is try and make it right by moving there so we co parent together which I plan to do after I resolve two issues
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/28/16 04:54 PM
Just called the boys. Two of them said they didn't want to talk as they were outside playing ball with mom. It was 2 seconds hi and bye like I dont exist.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/28/16 05:04 PM
Originally Posted By: JimKao
Just called the boys. Two of them said they didn't want to talk as they were outside playing ball with mom. It was 2 seconds hi and bye like I dont exist.
This is totally normal for kids.
Remember when you said you didn't want your posts to come across as you playing the victim? This one kind of does.
Kids live in the moment. Don't read into it.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/28/16 05:15 PM
Rose,
It's amazing how things change. The two summers we lived in Michigan she never played with the boys outside. All of a sudden she is mom and dad all rolled up into one.
I am glad they are having fun with mom. Just through me for a loop.
It's amazing how things change. The two summers we lived in Michigan she never played with the boys outside. All of a sudden she is mom and dad all rolled up into one.
I am glad they are having fun with mom. Just through me for a loop.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/28/16 06:13 PM
JK- definitely hard for you as I understand but they are kids.
Its a normal reaction
When my STBX calls when she is away (with her PA guy but won't admit it) my D usually doesn't want to say hi....she just doesnt like talking on the phone but I push her to do it. When I call when away, sometimes she is really short and makes me feel bad but I know she is just a kid and really would rather be doing something else
She will throw you for alot of loops so get ready for the rollercoaster. As I have learned, I cant control what my STBX does or doesn't do with my D7 but can only hope she does the right things and keeps her happy when not with me.
Hope for the same and that your STBX doesnt neglect your great 5 boys.
Its a normal reaction
When my STBX calls when she is away (with her PA guy but won't admit it) my D usually doesn't want to say hi....she just doesnt like talking on the phone but I push her to do it. When I call when away, sometimes she is really short and makes me feel bad but I know she is just a kid and really would rather be doing something else
She will throw you for alot of loops so get ready for the rollercoaster. As I have learned, I cant control what my STBX does or doesn't do with my D7 but can only hope she does the right things and keeps her happy when not with me.
Hope for the same and that your STBX doesnt neglect your great 5 boys.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/28/16 09:32 PM
I don't mean to make you feel bad, but we're not here to comfort you whatever you say or do. We're here to help you get out of this with your sanity, money, kids, happiness, or anything you hope for. There's some tough love involved, but it's still love.
I'm glad you're focused on what you can do now to be better. That's all we can do, every day.
A crisis is a terrible thing to waste. You're hoping to quit smoking. She started playing outside with the boys. This all sounds like good things, for you and for your kids.
Around here, we know how painful this is. We've had the sleepless nights, the lost (or gained) weight, the tears, the overshare. I cried every day for six months straight when STBX left. Then I cried "only" 5-6 days a week for another 3 months. On the way out of this hole, we had some tough face-to-face with ourselves. Not just about what we've done, but about what we are.
One thing that I learned after STBX left is to take at face value what people told me about me, before filtering it with my interpretations, ego, experience, desires, etc. So if I'm told "You're too loud", I don't think "No I'm not", I just think "How is it that s/he can perceive that I'm too loud?" It's still a conscious effort on my part because my reflex is to color what I hear, but it's one of the things that helped me most become a better person. So when we say that you come across as controlling, before you filter it out, think about it alone. Maybe you're not, and it won't change a thing for us, but if you are, on certain things, self-awareness is the first step to becoming a better person.
I'll finish by telling you something obvious and that you know deep down: you've had a very meaningful relationship with your W, one that few people experience in their lives. It was the same for her. Your past hasn't gone anywhere. Much like you need to live with your mistakes, you get to live with your accomplishments. Your family is up there. You matter tremendously to your kids. You are always at the back of their mind, as a reference, a safety net, a provider, a reassuring force. It propels them in life. Sometimes, they want to play ball rather than talk to you, but they want you in their lives.
I'm glad you're focused on what you can do now to be better. That's all we can do, every day.
A crisis is a terrible thing to waste. You're hoping to quit smoking. She started playing outside with the boys. This all sounds like good things, for you and for your kids.
Around here, we know how painful this is. We've had the sleepless nights, the lost (or gained) weight, the tears, the overshare. I cried every day for six months straight when STBX left. Then I cried "only" 5-6 days a week for another 3 months. On the way out of this hole, we had some tough face-to-face with ourselves. Not just about what we've done, but about what we are.
One thing that I learned after STBX left is to take at face value what people told me about me, before filtering it with my interpretations, ego, experience, desires, etc. So if I'm told "You're too loud", I don't think "No I'm not", I just think "How is it that s/he can perceive that I'm too loud?" It's still a conscious effort on my part because my reflex is to color what I hear, but it's one of the things that helped me most become a better person. So when we say that you come across as controlling, before you filter it out, think about it alone. Maybe you're not, and it won't change a thing for us, but if you are, on certain things, self-awareness is the first step to becoming a better person.
I'll finish by telling you something obvious and that you know deep down: you've had a very meaningful relationship with your W, one that few people experience in their lives. It was the same for her. Your past hasn't gone anywhere. Much like you need to live with your mistakes, you get to live with your accomplishments. Your family is up there. You matter tremendously to your kids. You are always at the back of their mind, as a reference, a safety net, a provider, a reassuring force. It propels them in life. Sometimes, they want to play ball rather than talk to you, but they want you in their lives.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/29/16 07:24 AM
JK - here is a website you might like themktdept.ca
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/29/16 06:29 PM
Mozza,
Thanks for the tough love. I needed it. I am feeling pretty good today.
Drove to Chicago and back to pick up my EU passport today that STBX has been asking me to get so we can vacation in Cuba. Guess I will have to go on my own now. 10 hours in the car. I listened to an e book "The Rational Male" about a third of the way through.
As I was listening to the book it brought me back to the way I was about life prior to meeting STBX. Made me feel confident and realize I am a good person.
We did have good times and I appreciate those times but our priorities are completely different right now. Overall today I am happy and content with my life and I know things will get better.
Thanks for the tough love. I needed it. I am feeling pretty good today.
Drove to Chicago and back to pick up my EU passport today that STBX has been asking me to get so we can vacation in Cuba. Guess I will have to go on my own now. 10 hours in the car. I listened to an e book "The Rational Male" about a third of the way through.
As I was listening to the book it brought me back to the way I was about life prior to meeting STBX. Made me feel confident and realize I am a good person.
We did have good times and I appreciate those times but our priorities are completely different right now. Overall today I am happy and content with my life and I know things will get better.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/29/16 09:06 PM
What a great attitude you have today! I'm so glad you're feeling good.
I've had a good day today after IC - and I'm taking note of them so I can see that there are more and more of them.
I've had a good day today after IC - and I'm taking note of them so I can see that there are more and more of them.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/30/16 07:42 AM
As I continue to listen to the e book one thing that stood out to me was a W should compliment the H.
As I reflect back on our M I think we were both on the path to wanting a family and I reverted back to an AFC per the book. This is part of the disconnect that W and I had since we did not communicate well enough to plan our future and/or I missed it completely.
I am second guessing whether or not I would ever be able to keep up with my STBX and her desires in life. Doesn't really matter at this point anymore.
I spoke to my best friend from high school also and he said that my STBX did not leave just because you smoke. It got me thinking that there are deeper issues that I don't even know about that she has never shared with me. I don't think I will ever know what those issues are.
All I know is that she is with OM and will probably be with him long term. I cannot compete with someone who makes way more money than I do. She has moved on and is not looking back at all.
Seems like the more books that I read the more I see how STBX has implemented a lot of the suggestions in these books and I am just now realizing how strong of a person she is. She is self driven and adamant about finding happiness for herself. I am not criticizing her, just observing my sitch and how we got here. Not sure how much more I could have done to meet her needs. Maybe it is for the best that this happened sooner than later because a lot of people are telling me that it would have happened later for sure.
STBX has mentioned several times during our M that she and her mom used to go for happy hour in the financial district and scope out guys in suits but she never found one that was down to earth. Well I guess she has now.
I will also write about some other points that I found interesting in another post later.
I talked with the boys last night and they said they were going to bed. It was only 7:15 pm. I asked why so early (I thought they did something really bad and were being put to bed early) and one of them said because mommy is going out. Not judging, that is STBX's choice when she has the boys.
I told my L and she said to document this and give it to the psychologist. I feel like these are petty items sometimes as I am going through this process of D. Not sure if it will net any good results either way.
On another positive note, lots of GAL this week. Tonight going to my old neighbors house to hand out. Saturday and Sunday will be in Toronto to visit friends and Monday hang out with family.
As I reflect back on our M I think we were both on the path to wanting a family and I reverted back to an AFC per the book. This is part of the disconnect that W and I had since we did not communicate well enough to plan our future and/or I missed it completely.
I am second guessing whether or not I would ever be able to keep up with my STBX and her desires in life. Doesn't really matter at this point anymore.
I spoke to my best friend from high school also and he said that my STBX did not leave just because you smoke. It got me thinking that there are deeper issues that I don't even know about that she has never shared with me. I don't think I will ever know what those issues are.
All I know is that she is with OM and will probably be with him long term. I cannot compete with someone who makes way more money than I do. She has moved on and is not looking back at all.
Seems like the more books that I read the more I see how STBX has implemented a lot of the suggestions in these books and I am just now realizing how strong of a person she is. She is self driven and adamant about finding happiness for herself. I am not criticizing her, just observing my sitch and how we got here. Not sure how much more I could have done to meet her needs. Maybe it is for the best that this happened sooner than later because a lot of people are telling me that it would have happened later for sure.
STBX has mentioned several times during our M that she and her mom used to go for happy hour in the financial district and scope out guys in suits but she never found one that was down to earth. Well I guess she has now.
I will also write about some other points that I found interesting in another post later.
I talked with the boys last night and they said they were going to bed. It was only 7:15 pm. I asked why so early (I thought they did something really bad and were being put to bed early) and one of them said because mommy is going out. Not judging, that is STBX's choice when she has the boys.
I told my L and she said to document this and give it to the psychologist. I feel like these are petty items sometimes as I am going through this process of D. Not sure if it will net any good results either way.
On another positive note, lots of GAL this week. Tonight going to my old neighbors house to hand out. Saturday and Sunday will be in Toronto to visit friends and Monday hang out with family.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/30/16 08:16 AM
If you're not judging, why are you tattling to the lawyer and psychologist?
Why do you think you have the right to dictate bedtime when they are with her?
Why do you think you have the right to dictate bedtime when they are with her?
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/30/16 08:26 AM
Originally Posted By: Rose888
If you're not judging, why are you tattling to the lawyer and psychologist?
Why do you think you have the right to dictate bedtime when they are with her?
Why do you think you have the right to dictate bedtime when they are with her?
I agree with this. They went to bed and she decided to go out. As long as you know who is caring for your children while she is out, you may not agree, but there is no harm in it.
My suggestion is this. Let the petty stuff go that will not have any impact. Because that will not have any impact. Married couples do it all the time. Get a sitter and go out. You start with the petty stuff, so will she. Something you may not see as a big deal, she will throw right back at ya.
My daughter was 6 months old when ex split. Legally, I had every right to know who was watching my child so I could get in touch with them. We also had to be in agreement on who the babysitter was. That's reasonable.
My ex has like 25% custody or something. Not much time with her. And he goes out a lot on his parenting time. She stays with his OW W, his sister, or mother. Do I agree? Nope. I know my D wants to spend actual time with him. But what can I do? That's his choice.
I have a lot of time with her. I get a babysitter every now and then and go out. (she's 8 now, BTW). Or she choses to sleep at a friend's house. No harm done.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/30/16 10:01 AM
Rose, Ginger,
I know for a fact that she is documenting everything so that I do not get custody of the boys to justify her being a SAHM.
All I did was relay what the boys shared with me to the L. Again, not sure if it will have an impact on the custody decision or not, just journaling.
I am not trying to dictate or control when she puts them to bed either, I never made a statement to they boys or her about it, I kept my thoughts to myself. Gosh, if I did bring it up with STBX she would have chastised me for it.
They are not with me, just put my thoughts in writing on this forum is all.
Did not mean to offend you Rose and Ginger.
I know for a fact that she is documenting everything so that I do not get custody of the boys to justify her being a SAHM.
All I did was relay what the boys shared with me to the L. Again, not sure if it will have an impact on the custody decision or not, just journaling.
I am not trying to dictate or control when she puts them to bed either, I never made a statement to they boys or her about it, I kept my thoughts to myself. Gosh, if I did bring it up with STBX she would have chastised me for it.
They are not with me, just put my thoughts in writing on this forum is all.
Did not mean to offend you Rose and Ginger.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/30/16 10:36 AM
Not offended at all.
She can document away, but rarely does a court ever deny a father wanting to be in their kids lives. Especially one that is of no harm and loving. Just because she is a SAHM, she won't get full custody. 50/50 is becoming much more accessible now, may it be an uphill battle sometimes. But denying custody because the mom doesn't work, will not happen.
She can document away, but rarely does a court ever deny a father wanting to be in their kids lives. Especially one that is of no harm and loving. Just because she is a SAHM, she won't get full custody. 50/50 is becoming much more accessible now, may it be an uphill battle sometimes. But denying custody because the mom doesn't work, will not happen.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/30/16 11:23 AM
No doubt. I completely agree. The problem is our sitch is a little different.
I live in Michigan and she lives in Toronto and she wants the boys to move there.
I have no problem with 50/50 here in Michigan, I just don't think she is going to move back here. STBX still believes the judge will grant her custody and allow her to move the boys to Toronto.
I live in Michigan and she lives in Toronto and she wants the boys to move there.
I have no problem with 50/50 here in Michigan, I just don't think she is going to move back here. STBX still believes the judge will grant her custody and allow her to move the boys to Toronto.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/30/16 11:49 AM
Not offended, but I don't think putting kids to bed at 7:15 is worth documenting. Nor do I think going out on the nights you have the kids is worth documenting.
Documenting them implies you think they should be taken into consideration during the custody decision.
Is a judge really going to give her a black mark for putting young kids to bed at that hour? My 10 year old has an 8:00 bedtime!
Documenting them implies you think they should be taken into consideration during the custody decision.
Is a judge really going to give her a black mark for putting young kids to bed at that hour? My 10 year old has an 8:00 bedtime!
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/30/16 12:00 PM
Rose
Again I'm not judging on her parenting time just jotted down my thoughts because the boys keep telling me that Mommy lets them stay up late in the summertime. My 7 year old knows how to tell time and she normally let's him stay up until 10pm.
I agree I don't think any of this is going to mean anything to the judge and then the end we will have 50 50 custody the question is the distance on where the two parents live.
I think most anything that she and I document won't mean anything to the judge.
Again I'm not judging on her parenting time just jotted down my thoughts because the boys keep telling me that Mommy lets them stay up late in the summertime. My 7 year old knows how to tell time and she normally let's him stay up until 10pm.
I agree I don't think any of this is going to mean anything to the judge and then the end we will have 50 50 custody the question is the distance on where the two parents live.
I think most anything that she and I document won't mean anything to the judge.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/30/16 04:12 PM
Anyone have advice on how to speak with an S7 who doesn't want to talk to their dad?
I am not going to read into anything or assume STBX is feeding him info to play the victim.
I am looking for an approach to build a better relationship with S7 because everytime he os with mom he has no interest in speaking with me.
I am not going to read into anything or assume STBX is feeding him info to play the victim.
I am looking for an approach to build a better relationship with S7 because everytime he os with mom he has no interest in speaking with me.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/30/16 06:12 PM
not speaking to you with when he is with his mom has nothing to do with your relationship, and you can't really make him.
My D is 8, almost 9. When she is with me, she rarely calls her dad. And she could be with me up to a week straight. She has an ipad and can text him or facetime if she pleases, but usually doesn't. Why? Because she is 8. Her focus is elsewhere and it has nothing to do with her dad. She is present in the activities she is doing with me, or her friends, or her life here.
Then, when she goes to her dad's, she rarely calls me. Sometimes she will facetime me when she is bored. Other than that, she is busy and focusing on her life there. And I am all for that.
My D8 loves her TV shows and is a Netflix addict. If she is in the middle of a show, she wants to speak with no one. She choses time with her friends over either one of us. She's a kid.
When you are with your S, that's when you work on really building the R. I understand your fears, but you have to remember, he is 7, and he turns his focus onto what is in front of him. And 7 year old boys are not much for conversations on the phone.
I know this is mostly for you and that's ok. Even though it makes you feel better to talk with him, just remember, he is being a 7 year old boy. You can always call him, but don't get upset if he doesn't want to talk to you, it has nothing to do with you.
My D is 8, almost 9. When she is with me, she rarely calls her dad. And she could be with me up to a week straight. She has an ipad and can text him or facetime if she pleases, but usually doesn't. Why? Because she is 8. Her focus is elsewhere and it has nothing to do with her dad. She is present in the activities she is doing with me, or her friends, or her life here.
Then, when she goes to her dad's, she rarely calls me. Sometimes she will facetime me when she is bored. Other than that, she is busy and focusing on her life there. And I am all for that.
My D8 loves her TV shows and is a Netflix addict. If she is in the middle of a show, she wants to speak with no one. She choses time with her friends over either one of us. She's a kid.
When you are with your S, that's when you work on really building the R. I understand your fears, but you have to remember, he is 7, and he turns his focus onto what is in front of him. And 7 year old boys are not much for conversations on the phone.
I know this is mostly for you and that's ok. Even though it makes you feel better to talk with him, just remember, he is being a 7 year old boy. You can always call him, but don't get upset if he doesn't want to talk to you, it has nothing to do with you.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 06/30/16 08:57 PM
Jim's W has done some things that smells like manipulation. Like keeping the kids' favorite toys at her place. She sounds like she is very capable of playing games, so I would continue to watch out for alienation games. They need to be stopped early.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/01/16 04:21 AM
I agree, but I think a better indication is how S7 relates to Jim when he is with Jim.
Jim, are you in family counseling with the boys? That might be a way to get in front of any alienation attempts.
Jim, are you in family counseling with the boys? That might be a way to get in front of any alienation attempts.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/01/16 04:45 AM
I did take S7 once but he did not have much to say to the C.
The psychologist who is doing the evaluation for custody said the boys are adapting well. In general they are. I don't ask what mommy does, if she goes out, etc. because I know that is some form of parental alienation. The boys give up that information freely to me sometime.
Rose and Ginger, if you have not followed my thread from the beginning, we adopted all of these boys so I can see why S7 may have a pull towards mom because he has not had a true mom for a while and is trying to fill that need. I try to fill the role but I know I never will be that role to the extent my STBX will. He constantly asks if he has been behaving well with both of us. It breaks my heart every time he asks that question. I make sure I touch him and hold him daily. That goes for all of them.
The psychologist who is doing the evaluation for custody said the boys are adapting well. In general they are. I don't ask what mommy does, if she goes out, etc. because I know that is some form of parental alienation. The boys give up that information freely to me sometime.
Rose and Ginger, if you have not followed my thread from the beginning, we adopted all of these boys so I can see why S7 may have a pull towards mom because he has not had a true mom for a while and is trying to fill that need. I try to fill the role but I know I never will be that role to the extent my STBX will. He constantly asks if he has been behaving well with both of us. It breaks my heart every time he asks that question. I make sure I touch him and hold him daily. That goes for all of them.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/01/16 05:21 AM
It's a wonderful loving thing you have done for these boys.
You do not have to fill the role of Mom. You can be dad, and you can define who you want to be as a dad.
Keep doing what you are doing and keep open communication when you and your son are together and keep up with the positive reinforcement.
Exactly what Rose said. the best indication is how he is when he is with you. And if you see nothing out of the normal for him when he is with you, odds are he is just being a 7 year old boy who just focuses on what's in front of him at the time.
You do not have to fill the role of Mom. You can be dad, and you can define who you want to be as a dad.
Keep doing what you are doing and keep open communication when you and your son are together and keep up with the positive reinforcement.
Exactly what Rose said. the best indication is how he is when he is with you. And if you see nothing out of the normal for him when he is with you, odds are he is just being a 7 year old boy who just focuses on what's in front of him at the time.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/01/16 06:04 AM
Hi, Jim. I'm just stopping by to check on you. Your S7 has plainly had a tough sled in his short years. Hearing that he asks you if he has been behaving breaks my heart. 
((((JK and Sons))))
((((JK and Sons))))
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/01/16 09:05 AM
Originally Posted By: JimKao
I He constantly asks if he has been behaving well with both of us. It breaks my heart every time he asks that question. I make sure I touch him and hold him daily. That goes for all of them.
That makes me wonder if he is afraid he will be sent away. I would probably reassure him that you are always going to be his parents and he will live with you until he is an adult, even if he doesn't behave well.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/01/16 09:53 AM
This is what hurts me more than W and I going through D. The fact that the boys already did not have families and now they will be part of another broken home.
I have reassured the boys in the past that they will have visits with both mom and dad.
I also do not want them going back and forth between two cities at such a young age which is why I am still considering moving there after the D.
I want them to have as much of a normal life as possible. I just hope that if/when I do move there that I can handle the fact that I would possibly some day see my STBX with an OM. That will be a tough pill to swallow. Even though I know she is with someone else, actually seeing her with an OM I feel will be much worse for me.
I have reassured the boys in the past that they will have visits with both mom and dad.
I also do not want them going back and forth between two cities at such a young age which is why I am still considering moving there after the D.
I want them to have as much of a normal life as possible. I just hope that if/when I do move there that I can handle the fact that I would possibly some day see my STBX with an OM. That will be a tough pill to swallow. Even though I know she is with someone else, actually seeing her with an OM I feel will be much worse for me.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/01/16 10:10 AM
You sound like a great Dad Jim. Really don't have much more to say. You're doing so well for them!!
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/02/16 05:09 AM
Pray and meditate often and the answers to your challenges will present themselves to you.
You must do what is good for you as well as the boys. There will be a way for you to do both. Trust that it is so.
Be well today jk.
You must do what is good for you as well as the boys. There will be a way for you to do both. Trust that it is so.
Be well today jk.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/02/16 06:12 AM
Last night I finished the audio version of "The Rationale Male". I have never read such a raw and brutally honest book about men and women. I learned quite a bit on where I placed myself as an AFC in the SMP when STBX and I were together and how I let myself become less than an alpha in STBXs eyes. This drove her to search for someone else to meet her emotional needs.
Although STBX is in her mid 30s her looks still rank her high when it comes to her SMV (sexual market value). Her OM may not be as handsome as me but his position where he works fills her greatest need now (ie; social status and possible financial security if they end up in a long term relationship).
The fact that this book opened my eyes to how difficult life is and how disposable men are in this day and age saddens me but has also helped me accept my situation. It has also helped me realize that I need to continue to improve myself morsel on a physical level and also mentally with respect to any future R I have.
I never realized that women act on emotional needs more than logic.
Reading this book and MWDs has given me a lot to think about how to balance my life. The one thing the RM book does not discuss is morality. It is clear to ke that and today's society it is more acceptable to D and take the easy way out then to work on an M.
One thing I have learned is that the nice guy traits have no place in an M. I hope to teach my boys how to be good men, to respect women, and to love unconditionally no matter what the outcome.
I am sure my actions will be too late to save the M. As my w has stated in the past maybe we will remarry in two to three years. Those are only words that she said in the past but maybe our combined actions will bring us back together someday.
Although STBX is in her mid 30s her looks still rank her high when it comes to her SMV (sexual market value). Her OM may not be as handsome as me but his position where he works fills her greatest need now (ie; social status and possible financial security if they end up in a long term relationship).
The fact that this book opened my eyes to how difficult life is and how disposable men are in this day and age saddens me but has also helped me accept my situation. It has also helped me realize that I need to continue to improve myself morsel on a physical level and also mentally with respect to any future R I have.
I never realized that women act on emotional needs more than logic.
Reading this book and MWDs has given me a lot to think about how to balance my life. The one thing the RM book does not discuss is morality. It is clear to ke that and today's society it is more acceptable to D and take the easy way out then to work on an M.
One thing I have learned is that the nice guy traits have no place in an M. I hope to teach my boys how to be good men, to respect women, and to love unconditionally no matter what the outcome.
I am sure my actions will be too late to save the M. As my w has stated in the past maybe we will remarry in two to three years. Those are only words that she said in the past but maybe our combined actions will bring us back together someday.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/02/16 10:17 AM
Quote:
One thing I have learned is that the nice guy traits have no place in an M. I hope to teach my boys how to be good men, to respect women, and to love unconditionally no matter what the outcome.
I don't know that we should teach to love unconditionally in a romantic relationship. Otherwise, the man will be the nice-guy type who settles living with his WW treating him like cr@p. The same goes for women who stay in abusive relationships. That's just MHO.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/02/16 11:11 AM
Sandi, I think you can love unconditionally without accepting poor behavior or being a doormat. I love my H unconditionally, but it doesn't mean I put up with secrets and lies, yelling and other unloving behavior.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/02/16 01:25 PM
Sandi
I would never be the doormat to anyone again. If there is no respect for me as a man or even at least as a person then there will be NC with STBX. That is part of the reason I am here. I am the only one that stands up to her.
I would never be the doormat to anyone again. If there is no respect for me as a man or even at least as a person then there will be NC with STBX. That is part of the reason I am here. I am the only one that stands up to her.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/04/16 07:40 AM
Jim
I agree with Sandi, unconditional love is for dependants. Every child deserves although does not always get unconditional love. That's not the case for adults, respect is one thing, loving until the pips squeak quite another. Love is a choice, choone to love those worthy of love.
You know men and women are not so different as they are unlike!
It is core values which determine us as quality humans, and in Jim's case they seem pretty good to me. No alpha beta or gamma or chart score can change that. Not at all.
You my lovely are a tier one dad and man. Most OM are tier 3 at best.
Thank you for the lovely posts on my thread.
I may not post as much, please be reassured you and your boys are in my prayers.
V
I agree with Sandi, unconditional love is for dependants. Every child deserves although does not always get unconditional love. That's not the case for adults, respect is one thing, loving until the pips squeak quite another. Love is a choice, choone to love those worthy of love.
You know men and women are not so different as they are unlike!
It is core values which determine us as quality humans, and in Jim's case they seem pretty good to me. No alpha beta or gamma or chart score can change that. Not at all.
You my lovely are a tier one dad and man. Most OM are tier 3 at best.
Thank you for the lovely posts on my thread.
I may not post as much, please be reassured you and your boys are in my prayers.
V
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/05/16 02:50 AM
Just journaling:
Weekend was great. Went to Toronto and met up with friends and met some new ones.
On Sunday I picked up the boys. STBX and MIL were with them. MIL actually said hello to me and finally looked at me but that was all.
Took the boys to S4s godparents house and S7s godfather was there also with his S4. We celebrated my birthday and had a great time.
Yesterday we went to my sister's house and spent all day outside playing. Boys were exhausted by the time we came home.
It was a lovely weekend.
When I spoke with one of my buddies in Toronto who did not know much about my sitch he couldn't believe how well I was handling all of this. He made the comment that I needed a change and I agreed. He also said to not consider him just a friend but family also. Told him we may be neighbors soon in Toronto then when the D is over.
I also mentioned to my BIL that I was thinking of moving, told him all my reasons on how it would be good for the boys to be closer to mom and a new adventure for me while still being the stable one for the boys. He inderstood but did not agree or disagree.
I told him that part of the reason would be to hold STBX accountable for her actions. Boys will want to play sports and have other activities going on. I know for a fact that she will not spend her afternoons and evenings being soccer mom and take them to things but she will have to do those things on her days with them. I am sure she will try and guilt me to take them but since I will have my new life I will continue to DB and ensure she pulls her own weight.
This is a lot of projection on my part so I guess we will see what the future holds.
Psychologist is seeing S6 and S4 this afternoon. Trial date is end of August but I have a feeling there are only a few more ups and downs on this rollercoaster that will be big and then I can get closure and really move on live my life with my boys.
Weekend was great. Went to Toronto and met up with friends and met some new ones.
On Sunday I picked up the boys. STBX and MIL were with them. MIL actually said hello to me and finally looked at me but that was all.
Took the boys to S4s godparents house and S7s godfather was there also with his S4. We celebrated my birthday and had a great time.
Yesterday we went to my sister's house and spent all day outside playing. Boys were exhausted by the time we came home.
It was a lovely weekend.
When I spoke with one of my buddies in Toronto who did not know much about my sitch he couldn't believe how well I was handling all of this. He made the comment that I needed a change and I agreed. He also said to not consider him just a friend but family also. Told him we may be neighbors soon in Toronto then when the D is over.
I also mentioned to my BIL that I was thinking of moving, told him all my reasons on how it would be good for the boys to be closer to mom and a new adventure for me while still being the stable one for the boys. He inderstood but did not agree or disagree.
I told him that part of the reason would be to hold STBX accountable for her actions. Boys will want to play sports and have other activities going on. I know for a fact that she will not spend her afternoons and evenings being soccer mom and take them to things but she will have to do those things on her days with them. I am sure she will try and guilt me to take them but since I will have my new life I will continue to DB and ensure she pulls her own weight.
This is a lot of projection on my part so I guess we will see what the future holds.
Psychologist is seeing S6 and S4 this afternoon. Trial date is end of August but I have a feeling there are only a few more ups and downs on this rollercoaster that will be big and then I can get closure and really move on live my life with my boys.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/05/16 06:19 AM
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Jim
I agree with Sandi, unconditional love is for dependants. Every child deserves although does not always get unconditional love. That's not the case for adults, respect is one thing, loving until the pips squeak quite another. Love is a choice, choone to love those worthy of love.
I agree with Sandi, unconditional love is for dependants. Every child deserves although does not always get unconditional love. That's not the case for adults, respect is one thing, loving until the pips squeak quite another. Love is a choice, choone to love those worthy of love.
Lady V, Sandi,
I understand what you are saying. Considering the move to Toronto is based off of emotions and the love I have for my boys. Will this change STBX to be a better person/mother, IDK and not for me to be concerned with, the boys will be the judge of her actions. Will this change her to love me more, IDK and I don't care at this point in my life.
Will that action bring her back to me. Not likely. She is now looking for financial stability and leeching on to some OM who will wisk her away to exotic places. This OM is obviously filling an emotional void in her life that I did not give her.
For me, I could not ask for a more greater gift in the future other than having the respect of my sons and having them understand later in their lives that dad did everything he could and more to keep the family together.
My dream, and it is only a dream, with a very small chance of happening is to develop that R with STBX and remarry one day and have a little ceremony with the 7 of us again. This dream will always stay with me in hopes that it will fill that void that the boys will have to carry the rest their lifetime of not having a mother and father living under the same roof.
In the meantime, I will plan out new adventures for me and the boys and enjoy my life whether STBX is there or not.
As one of my friends in Toronto stated, your stock will go up as a man to another female who will appreciate the things you did for your boys if you end up with custody and move up to Toronto for them. He stated that it would be a noble act that many people would respect. Made me feel good and confident about who I am.
I will continue to try and set the bar high for myself to be the greatest dad possible for my family!
Lady V,
Thank you for the compliment. I have spent half my life trying to understand women and how to be a good male friend, boyfriend, husband, but have probably learned the most in the last 7 months. I need to keep my nice guy quality in check and know when to use them while having an alpha male mentality. That balance will attract the woman that I should be with the rest of my life.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/05/16 06:25 AM
Hey Jim, Sounds like you had a great weekend! While you're probably right your W's decision to move is emotionally motivated, I think if you do decide to move up there, you have the mindset that seems to be for all the right reasons. You're not doing it to get W back, get a reaction, hope it makes her a better person, etc... you're doing it because it's what's best for the kiddos. If I had to depend on an undependable W to provide the care and support that my little ones need to grow and thrive in life, I would be considering the exact same thing.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/05/16 06:27 AM
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Love is a choice, choose to love those worthy of love.
and Vanilla, I just can't tell you how valuable these words are. Words to live by, not just for marriage, family, but all aspects of life.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/05/16 03:22 PM
Jim
I would like to tell you that I believe that no one.
No one
Not one person
H
S1-5
OM1-x
Can fill the emotional void in another.
Only the self and the higher spirit has that power.
My thinking
V
I would like to tell you that I believe that no one.
No one
Not one person
H
S1-5
OM1-x
Can fill the emotional void in another.
Only the self and the higher spirit has that power.
My thinking
V
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/05/16 03:54 PM
V
I totally agree. Maybe she and I will be friends much later in our lives and she will open up to me what that void really was or maybe I will never know and will continue to work on myself to move past this chapter of my life.
On the road to the D, here is the latest update.
Psychologist met with S6 and S4. S6 said he wanted to live with mom, S4 said dad. Psychologist wanted to speak with me after and asked me what my plans were for the boys and if I thought I could raise them. I said I plan on getting a house and an au pair and part time nanny and have been raising them on my time for the last 7 months.
We also briefly spoke about STBX and the psychologist still does not understand why she wants to move them to Toronto. I continued to tell the psychologist of some other situations and then S4 was not behaving so we decided to have another conversation later this week.
Also updated my L after and my L told me that STBX filed a subpoena to force me to share all information that was submitted to the psychologist. I asked my L isn't that a little contradictory to why we are having this psych eval and L is trying to figure out the best approach to deny the request. It's like my STBX is wanting me to show all my cards without her showing hers.
I totally agree. Maybe she and I will be friends much later in our lives and she will open up to me what that void really was or maybe I will never know and will continue to work on myself to move past this chapter of my life.
On the road to the D, here is the latest update.
Psychologist met with S6 and S4. S6 said he wanted to live with mom, S4 said dad. Psychologist wanted to speak with me after and asked me what my plans were for the boys and if I thought I could raise them. I said I plan on getting a house and an au pair and part time nanny and have been raising them on my time for the last 7 months.
We also briefly spoke about STBX and the psychologist still does not understand why she wants to move them to Toronto. I continued to tell the psychologist of some other situations and then S4 was not behaving so we decided to have another conversation later this week.
Also updated my L after and my L told me that STBX filed a subpoena to force me to share all information that was submitted to the psychologist. I asked my L isn't that a little contradictory to why we are having this psych eval and L is trying to figure out the best approach to deny the request. It's like my STBX is wanting me to show all my cards without her showing hers.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/05/16 10:06 PM
Jim,
Happy belated birthday! I'm glad you had such a good time. Here's to many more days like that!
Are the conversations with the psychologist not confidential?
Happy belated birthday! I'm glad you had such a good time. Here's to many more days like that!
Are the conversations with the psychologist not confidential?
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/06/16 04:35 AM
Thank you Painter,
You would think that the conversations that we have with the psychologist are but I think now STBX is going to start fighting dirty did it what you wants.
When I spoke to the psychologist I said that my STBX goes after what she wants and does not care what the collateral damage is and the psychologist agreed.
You would think that the conversations that we have with the psychologist are but I think now STBX is going to start fighting dirty did it what you wants.
When I spoke to the psychologist I said that my STBX goes after what she wants and does not care what the collateral damage is and the psychologist agreed.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/06/16 02:59 PM
Yes
Jim you treado the higher path, for your lovely boys and it's going to be ok.
Liars lie, cheaters cheat, scumbags scum, it's their nature. Ultimately they loose track of their doings.
They unravel. The Jims of this world always end up in truth and light. It is always so.
They end up with love.
V
Jim you treado the higher path, for your lovely boys and it's going to be ok.
Liars lie, cheaters cheat, scumbags scum, it's their nature. Ultimately they loose track of their doings.
They unravel. The Jims of this world always end up in truth and light. It is always so.
They end up with love.
V
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/06/16 08:54 PM
Jim, it sounds like insight that could help you detach and see that W is not the person for you to base your future on.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/06/16 09:05 PM
JK:
I'm guessing that part of the report will be who can offer the most stable home life for your boys. You can feel confident that all of your hard work in your career, family, etc has paid off.
I'm guessing that part of the report will be who can offer the most stable home life for your boys. You can feel confident that all of your hard work in your career, family, etc has paid off.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/07/16 05:18 AM
Lady V
You are right. Liars will lie and cheaters will cheat. I always try to find the good in people. As the days pass things are more clear to me that she will walk or own road. I was willing to follow but things just did not happen fast enough for her. Only God knows if this was inevitable and this happened sooner than later.
Painter
We are on month 8 of living in two cities. I still think about my STBX but my thoughts are more about her selfishness and false sense of reality and how I don't want any part of that. Maybe I am not as driven as she is, maybe there is more to it than that. I will never know.
I feel I am detaching because I'm trying to figure out more things to do with the boys. I am also having more long term thoughts on how my life will be with them.
Bigybiz
Maybe I am the more stable one. Depends on each person's perception. From the standpoint of a daily routine of daily life I am. Get up go to work come home do chores, eat and spend time with the kids. STBX just wanted a little more spice added to our R. At least that is what she said. Obviously actions show different, more like she wants the single life. Again, this is my perspective and is not necessarily right. The only obvious thing I do know is she honestly believes she will never have to work and there are few who get that privilege today. She has her good looks thought and will use that to her advantage to find the next OM to secure her life financially.
What worries me the most is her detachment from the boys. It has been since Sunday, 4 days now and she has not called to speak with them. Is this normal even after a D?
You are right. Liars will lie and cheaters will cheat. I always try to find the good in people. As the days pass things are more clear to me that she will walk or own road. I was willing to follow but things just did not happen fast enough for her. Only God knows if this was inevitable and this happened sooner than later.
Painter
We are on month 8 of living in two cities. I still think about my STBX but my thoughts are more about her selfishness and false sense of reality and how I don't want any part of that. Maybe I am not as driven as she is, maybe there is more to it than that. I will never know.
I feel I am detaching because I'm trying to figure out more things to do with the boys. I am also having more long term thoughts on how my life will be with them.
Bigybiz
Maybe I am the more stable one. Depends on each person's perception. From the standpoint of a daily routine of daily life I am. Get up go to work come home do chores, eat and spend time with the kids. STBX just wanted a little more spice added to our R. At least that is what she said. Obviously actions show different, more like she wants the single life. Again, this is my perspective and is not necessarily right. The only obvious thing I do know is she honestly believes she will never have to work and there are few who get that privilege today. She has her good looks thought and will use that to her advantage to find the next OM to secure her life financially.
What worries me the most is her detachment from the boys. It has been since Sunday, 4 days now and she has not called to speak with them. Is this normal even after a D?
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/07/16 06:01 AM
JK:
The detachment that these WW have is unbelievable. The selfishness tells them "now it's my time", "now I am a mom", many of these woman would have said before that being a mom is everything to them, etc, etc.
Will they come back?
The detachment that these WW have is unbelievable. The selfishness tells them "now it's my time", "now I am a mom", many of these woman would have said before that being a mom is everything to them, etc, etc.
Will they come back?
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/07/16 09:06 AM
Originally Posted By: bigybiz
JK:
The detachment that these WW have is unbelievable. The selfishness tells them "now it's my time", "now I am a mom", many of these woman would have said before that being a mom is everything to them, etc, etc.
Will they come back?
The detachment that these WW have is unbelievable. The selfishness tells them "now it's my time", "now I am a mom", many of these woman would have said before that being a mom is everything to them, etc, etc.
Will they come back?
Bigybiz
I don't think it's detachment. I see this as more of the denial ostrich syndrome.
Men have it too, it's own needs before kids and all else and it helbs not to look.
That's why mirroring back helps, "I heard you say your needs come first" or " you have said it's my turn now whereas I you once said my kids come first"
A well placed "really? What did you say" or "please repeat that"
"Can you explain?"
Hmmmmmmm mm
And my very favourite
" yes, I see that"
V
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/07/16 09:48 AM
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
I don't think it's detachment. I see this as more of the denial ostrich syndrome.
Men have it too, it's own needs before kids and all else and it helbs not to look.
That's why mirroring back helps, "I heard you say your needs come first" or " you have said it's my turn now whereas I you once said my kids come first"
A well placed "really? What did you say" or "please repeat that"
"Can you explain?"
Hmmmmmmm mm
And my very favourite
" yes, I see that"
V
V,
So what do you think is missing for a WW/H? Why are they hiding their heads? Especially when they have children involved?
I have looked back at myself and know I will still move to Toronto because I want my boys closer to their mom and I did commit to that. My fear or denial was mind reading on what STBX would do when I moved there. I had a lot to risk financially. Not that I am not taking a hit now, I am but at least I can live with myself and say I did all I could to try and communicate and resolve the issues with the M.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/07/16 10:23 AM
JK it's not what is missing, it is what they are following.
Selfish feelings. This is the thing that has a parent turn from the children. It is simply the pursuit of the feelings of selfishness.
Selfish feelings. This is the thing that has a parent turn from the children. It is simply the pursuit of the feelings of selfishness.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/07/16 07:35 PM
Sweetheart
Why?
For so many different reasons, at the end of the day, they put themselves first last and in the middle.
And either they don't care or to justify it they rationalise and deny. Otherwise reality bites. Better to do what you want and stick your head up your arse.
And we can't have reality biting, that would spoil our fun.
Now can we?
Would not do at all.
V
Why?
For so many different reasons, at the end of the day, they put themselves first last and in the middle.
And either they don't care or to justify it they rationalise and deny. Otherwise reality bites. Better to do what you want and stick your head up your arse.
And we can't have reality biting, that would spoil our fun.
Now can we?
Would not do at all.
V
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/07/16 07:36 PM
Jim
You do what's right for you and your boys.
A tough call.
V
You do what's right for you and your boys.
A tough call.
V
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/08/16 06:37 AM
So this has to be more MLC for her than WAW or waywardness, or who knows, a combination of all 3.
5 days now that STBX has not called the boys to say hello to them. I know that she is still in Toronto because she made a charge on the CC yesterday. I thought maybe she was on vacation with OM.
I was on the phone with a buddy of mine and I walked into one of the boys rooms, S7 asked if it was mom and I told him no it was my friend. I asked S7 if he wanted to speak with him and S7 said yes. My friend has an S8 and the two boys have met several times.
I can see that my boys just want to interact and get some attention. I am glad I gave him the phone for a few minutes to interact with another adult male.
V,
I definitely have a lot of thinking to do. The path that I take with the boys will be a critical decision.
I continue to think back to some of the statements that STBX has said when I first was getting my transfer. She was trying to negotiate a short term plan. She would say things like you can have the boys after 3 or 4 years just let me raise my baby during his formidable years.
Another thing she said was if one of them wants to come live with you I won't stop them.
When I had the transfer in motion we discussed how things would work if we were living in the same city. I asked if she was going to come to my place to watch the boys and get them ready for school and she stated that she was not willing to get up at the crack of dawn so that I could go to work. I said fine, I will find some other means to ensure the boys would get to school.
Lastly, she stated that if I were to ever find a job opportunity out of state or a longer distance away from her she would not stop me from going and taking the boys with me.
I think about these 4 statements a lot. To me, this does not sound like someone who made a conscious choice to adopt 5 boys and commit to raising them. It is clear her morals do not match mine.
My IC said I need to really think this through so that STBX does not abandon the boys a second time if we move up there. The only sure thing I know is that I will be there for them even if she does.
I have a friend who has 3 biological children and 2 adopted. He has been D for 5 years now. His xW moved in with her OM 4 months after their D. His oldest resents her and my friend says that so do all of his other kids now. I don't want my boys resenting my STBX. I know that is out of my control and that the boys will feel what they feel when they get older based on her actions.
For me, I always hold myself accountable for my actions, which is probably why I take a long time to make decisions and overanalyze sometimes.
In this case though, I cannot allow her to runaway from her responsibilities. I will have to make my assessment after the D is finalized to see how to proceed and minimize the loss that the boys will feel while protecting myself and the boys financially also.
5 days now that STBX has not called the boys to say hello to them. I know that she is still in Toronto because she made a charge on the CC yesterday. I thought maybe she was on vacation with OM.
I was on the phone with a buddy of mine and I walked into one of the boys rooms, S7 asked if it was mom and I told him no it was my friend. I asked S7 if he wanted to speak with him and S7 said yes. My friend has an S8 and the two boys have met several times.
I can see that my boys just want to interact and get some attention. I am glad I gave him the phone for a few minutes to interact with another adult male.
V,
I definitely have a lot of thinking to do. The path that I take with the boys will be a critical decision.
I continue to think back to some of the statements that STBX has said when I first was getting my transfer. She was trying to negotiate a short term plan. She would say things like you can have the boys after 3 or 4 years just let me raise my baby during his formidable years.
Another thing she said was if one of them wants to come live with you I won't stop them.
When I had the transfer in motion we discussed how things would work if we were living in the same city. I asked if she was going to come to my place to watch the boys and get them ready for school and she stated that she was not willing to get up at the crack of dawn so that I could go to work. I said fine, I will find some other means to ensure the boys would get to school.
Lastly, she stated that if I were to ever find a job opportunity out of state or a longer distance away from her she would not stop me from going and taking the boys with me.
I think about these 4 statements a lot. To me, this does not sound like someone who made a conscious choice to adopt 5 boys and commit to raising them. It is clear her morals do not match mine.
My IC said I need to really think this through so that STBX does not abandon the boys a second time if we move up there. The only sure thing I know is that I will be there for them even if she does.
I have a friend who has 3 biological children and 2 adopted. He has been D for 5 years now. His xW moved in with her OM 4 months after their D. His oldest resents her and my friend says that so do all of his other kids now. I don't want my boys resenting my STBX. I know that is out of my control and that the boys will feel what they feel when they get older based on her actions.
For me, I always hold myself accountable for my actions, which is probably why I take a long time to make decisions and overanalyze sometimes.
In this case though, I cannot allow her to runaway from her responsibilities. I will have to make my assessment after the D is finalized to see how to proceed and minimize the loss that the boys will feel while protecting myself and the boys financially also.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/08/16 07:19 PM
I...do not like your wife. Meanwhile they are sooooo lucky to have you as their dad. You are showing them constancy, stability and grace in the face of unbelievable cruelty and selfishness (from your WW.) While I understand you are trying to be the good guy here I also think some firm boundaries need to be in place. I am not sure if you are transferring or not but I would hold off. Why make it so easy for her to cake eat?
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/08/16 10:43 PM
Jim, I have debated whether to share my thoughts on this post or not this evening, and I finally decided to do so in hopes to give you something to chew on and understand that it is from an outside perspective of this conflict that you have clearly been having about a move to Toronto. There are several themes that run consistent in your threads and story that you may want to look back at. Also, you have been given some pretty consistent advice in this community as well as from folks that you interact with and share with us about, yet you are still trying to convince yourself or someone that you need to move and be close to your STBXW.
JK, what is the real reason for this?
Is it that you still feel that if you moved there previously that you would not be in this sitch?
Is it that you want to be closer to your W?
Is it that you are fearful of raising 5 young sons all on your own?
What is it that is keeping you up at night with this decision?
Some thoughts from your post
You have been in this community long enough to know that this does not matter. It does not change your sitch, and spending much more time trying to label it is a cheesless tunnel.
5 days now that STBX has not called the boys to say hello to them. I know that she is still in Toronto because she made a charge on the CC yesterday. I thought maybe she was on vacation with OM.
Why are you still concerned with what she is dong or who she is doing it with. You need to try to stop putting anymore thought energy into her at all. Save the energy for you and your boys.
I was on the phone with a buddy of mine and I walked into one of the boys rooms, S7 asked if it was mom and I told him no it was my friend. I asked S7 if he wanted to speak with him and S7 said yes. My friend has an S8 and the two boys have met several times.
I can see that my boys just want to interact and get some attention. I am glad I gave him the phone for a few minutes to interact with another adult male.
This is great to recognize. This is a trait that makes you an exceptional father. Continue to identify the needs of your sons, especially in providing positive attention. Young children love it and benefit from it greatly.
V,
I definitely have a lot of thinking to do. The path that I take with the boys will be a critical decision.
It will be a critical decision. It is one that you have clearly been wrestling with for sometime now. You have been given lots of advice and feedback on this decision, and much of it seems to be the same advice, but it is contrary to the thoughts that you have shared frequently.
Why? what is everyone missing when they encourage you to not make the move?
I continue to think back to some of the statements that STBX has said when I first was getting my transfer. She was trying to negotiate a short term plan. She would say things like you can have the boys after 3 or 4 years just let me raise my baby during his formidable years.
Why does anything she say weigh into the decision?
And this statement seems odd. What mother, biological or adoptive would negotiate just raising children for certain years.
Let me share an experience that I have watched unfold in my own life.
I have a sister that was desperate to have children and found out that she could not. She then made the decision to adopt. But it had to be a baby. She found a baby, but there was a sibling and the deal was that they both needed to be together. So she took them both in. Fast forward a number of years and some behavior issues with the older sibling and she found a way to get him sent off and the state took over the care of the child.
My sister is not exactly well by the standards of the rest of my family, but my point here, is that her love for her adopted son is not what most of us would expect from a mother.
How well is your wife? How attached is she to your sons? Your posts of late would indicate the she may be a little more focused on her other activities and the boys are not the priority. Would this be correct?
Another thing she said was if one of them wants to come live with you I won't stop them.
Another statement by your W that is weighing into your decision ?
Why?
When I had the transfer in motion we discussed how things would work if we were living in the same city. I asked if she was going to come to my place to watch the boys and get them ready for school and she stated that she was not willing to get up at the crack of dawn so that I could go to work. I said fine, I will find some other means to ensure the boys would get to school.
It is starting to look like the puppet strings from your W are attached to your decision making here.
Why?
Lastly, she stated that if I were to ever find a job opportunity out of state or a longer distance away from her she would not stop me from going and taking the boys with me.
Again, her statements dictating your decision ?
Do you see a pattern here?
I think about these 4 statements a lot. To me, this does not sound like someone who made a conscious choice to adopt 5 boys and commit to raising them. It is clear her morals do not match mine.
You are doing a lot of thinking about what she has said and making determinations about what she thinks, her morals and what she will do in the future.
You know better JimKao. This is exactly what you have been counseled, advised, encouraged etc against doing for your own good.
Why are you still doing it my friend?
Why?
My IC said I need to really think this through so that STBX does not abandon the boys a second time if we move up there. The only sure thing I know is that I will be there for them even if she does.
Your IC is giving the same advice so many others have given you. How many more folks need to share the advice so that you can take a step back and make a good decision for this?
We know that you will be there for those boys. Make a decision so that while you are there for them, that you can provide for them and care for them. Moving to Toronto does not sound like the best option for you to do all of that based on what you have shared with us.
Is there additional information that you have chosen not to share that has so many providing feedback to you with a lack of information?
I have a friend who has 3 biological children and 2 adopted. He has been D for 5 years now. His xW moved in with her OM 4 months after their D. His oldest resents her and my friend says that so do all of his other kids now. I don't want my boys resenting my STBX. I know that is out of my control and that the boys will feel what they feel when they get older based on her actions.
How does moving closer to her change whether your boys will resent her or not? Only her decisions will influence that. This does not seem to add any value to what you are trying to decide here? It may actually be blurring things as it sounds like you want to control this situation by moving. Which you know it does not control it at all.
For me, I always hold myself accountable for my actions, which is probably why I take a long time to make decisions and overanalyze sometimes.
Amen brother. Now this makes sense and you should print this out and read it the moment you start to analyze this decision again. Or should we say, overanalyze this decision? You will be accountable to the outcomes of the decision. You don't want to make an emotional decision, because we know how that typically turns out for most of us, right?
In this case though, I cannot allow her to runaway from her responsibilities. I will have to make my assessment after the D is finalized to see how to proceed and minimize the loss that the boys will feel while protecting myself and the boys financially also.
How is it your responsibility to make her take responsibility??
She chooses whether to be a mother to her sons or not. Not you.
Thinking that you can do this is is controlling.
This is not realistic.
This is not in your power to do, not matter how you hope a move to be closer would influence future outcomes.
And this just makes no sense after all that you have learned and been advised as it relates to DBing my friend.
It is time for you cut the puppet strings that are attached between your thoughts and your STBXW.
It is time to start thinking like a single father that needs to raise 5 boys.
Ask yourself these questions.
Where will you live that can provide you with the best opportunities to financially support and raise those boys?
Where will you live that you can have the best opportunity for moral support from family members and close friends?
Where will you live that you can help guide, teach, love and create a safe environment for those young boys to grow up in?
These are the questions you need to answer. These are the items that you should analyze. These are the things that will guide you to making the right decision.
Notice how nothing your STBXW says or does has any influence.
Let her make her decisions. She chose to run to another country with an OM and do whatever it is she is doing. Leave her be. If she chooses to be a mother, she knows where the boys are. She knows what she should do to be there for them and be a part of their lives.
Jim, I hope I am not coming off too harsh, but you need a sledgehammer to the noggin, because you have been given some pretty consistent feedback and I pray that you can make the best decision for you and your boys.
You have been through a lot and as I have said to you before, the task you are faced with is not an easy one, but you have been a stand up man and father and that is more than many others in your situation would do.
I pray that you may receive the inspiration that you need to guide your family to a good place.
Take care my friend. I am here supporting you and want more than anything to see you have peace and success with those young sons of yours.
JK, what is the real reason for this?
Is it that you still feel that if you moved there previously that you would not be in this sitch?
Is it that you want to be closer to your W?
Is it that you are fearful of raising 5 young sons all on your own?
What is it that is keeping you up at night with this decision?
Some thoughts from your post
Originally Posted By: JimKao
So this has to be more MLC for her than WAW or waywardness, or who knows, a combination of all 3.
You have been in this community long enough to know that this does not matter. It does not change your sitch, and spending much more time trying to label it is a cheesless tunnel.
Originally Posted By: JimKao
5 days now that STBX has not called the boys to say hello to them. I know that she is still in Toronto because she made a charge on the CC yesterday. I thought maybe she was on vacation with OM.
Why are you still concerned with what she is dong or who she is doing it with. You need to try to stop putting anymore thought energy into her at all. Save the energy for you and your boys.
Originally Posted By: JimKao
I was on the phone with a buddy of mine and I walked into one of the boys rooms, S7 asked if it was mom and I told him no it was my friend. I asked S7 if he wanted to speak with him and S7 said yes. My friend has an S8 and the two boys have met several times.
I can see that my boys just want to interact and get some attention. I am glad I gave him the phone for a few minutes to interact with another adult male.
This is great to recognize. This is a trait that makes you an exceptional father. Continue to identify the needs of your sons, especially in providing positive attention. Young children love it and benefit from it greatly.
Originally Posted By: JimKao
V,
I definitely have a lot of thinking to do. The path that I take with the boys will be a critical decision.
It will be a critical decision. It is one that you have clearly been wrestling with for sometime now. You have been given lots of advice and feedback on this decision, and much of it seems to be the same advice, but it is contrary to the thoughts that you have shared frequently.
Why? what is everyone missing when they encourage you to not make the move?
Originally Posted By: JimKao
I continue to think back to some of the statements that STBX has said when I first was getting my transfer. She was trying to negotiate a short term plan. She would say things like you can have the boys after 3 or 4 years just let me raise my baby during his formidable years.
Why does anything she say weigh into the decision?
And this statement seems odd. What mother, biological or adoptive would negotiate just raising children for certain years.
Let me share an experience that I have watched unfold in my own life.
I have a sister that was desperate to have children and found out that she could not. She then made the decision to adopt. But it had to be a baby. She found a baby, but there was a sibling and the deal was that they both needed to be together. So she took them both in. Fast forward a number of years and some behavior issues with the older sibling and she found a way to get him sent off and the state took over the care of the child.
My sister is not exactly well by the standards of the rest of my family, but my point here, is that her love for her adopted son is not what most of us would expect from a mother.
How well is your wife? How attached is she to your sons? Your posts of late would indicate the she may be a little more focused on her other activities and the boys are not the priority. Would this be correct?
Originally Posted By: JimKao
Another thing she said was if one of them wants to come live with you I won't stop them.
Another statement by your W that is weighing into your decision ?
Why?
Originally Posted By: JimKao
When I had the transfer in motion we discussed how things would work if we were living in the same city. I asked if she was going to come to my place to watch the boys and get them ready for school and she stated that she was not willing to get up at the crack of dawn so that I could go to work. I said fine, I will find some other means to ensure the boys would get to school.
It is starting to look like the puppet strings from your W are attached to your decision making here.
Why?
Originally Posted By: JimKao
Lastly, she stated that if I were to ever find a job opportunity out of state or a longer distance away from her she would not stop me from going and taking the boys with me.
Again, her statements dictating your decision ?
Do you see a pattern here?
Originally Posted By: JimKao
I think about these 4 statements a lot. To me, this does not sound like someone who made a conscious choice to adopt 5 boys and commit to raising them. It is clear her morals do not match mine.
You are doing a lot of thinking about what she has said and making determinations about what she thinks, her morals and what she will do in the future.
You know better JimKao. This is exactly what you have been counseled, advised, encouraged etc against doing for your own good.
Why are you still doing it my friend?
Why?
Originally Posted By: JimKao
My IC said I need to really think this through so that STBX does not abandon the boys a second time if we move up there. The only sure thing I know is that I will be there for them even if she does.
Your IC is giving the same advice so many others have given you. How many more folks need to share the advice so that you can take a step back and make a good decision for this?
We know that you will be there for those boys. Make a decision so that while you are there for them, that you can provide for them and care for them. Moving to Toronto does not sound like the best option for you to do all of that based on what you have shared with us.
Is there additional information that you have chosen not to share that has so many providing feedback to you with a lack of information?
Originally Posted By: JimKao
I have a friend who has 3 biological children and 2 adopted. He has been D for 5 years now. His xW moved in with her OM 4 months after their D. His oldest resents her and my friend says that so do all of his other kids now. I don't want my boys resenting my STBX. I know that is out of my control and that the boys will feel what they feel when they get older based on her actions.
How does moving closer to her change whether your boys will resent her or not? Only her decisions will influence that. This does not seem to add any value to what you are trying to decide here? It may actually be blurring things as it sounds like you want to control this situation by moving. Which you know it does not control it at all.
Originally Posted By: JimKao
For me, I always hold myself accountable for my actions, which is probably why I take a long time to make decisions and overanalyze sometimes.
Amen brother. Now this makes sense and you should print this out and read it the moment you start to analyze this decision again. Or should we say, overanalyze this decision? You will be accountable to the outcomes of the decision. You don't want to make an emotional decision, because we know how that typically turns out for most of us, right?
Originally Posted By: JimKao
In this case though, I cannot allow her to runaway from her responsibilities. I will have to make my assessment after the D is finalized to see how to proceed and minimize the loss that the boys will feel while protecting myself and the boys financially also.
How is it your responsibility to make her take responsibility??
She chooses whether to be a mother to her sons or not. Not you.
Thinking that you can do this is is controlling.
This is not realistic.
This is not in your power to do, not matter how you hope a move to be closer would influence future outcomes.
And this just makes no sense after all that you have learned and been advised as it relates to DBing my friend.
It is time for you cut the puppet strings that are attached between your thoughts and your STBXW.
It is time to start thinking like a single father that needs to raise 5 boys.
Ask yourself these questions.
Where will you live that can provide you with the best opportunities to financially support and raise those boys?
Where will you live that you can have the best opportunity for moral support from family members and close friends?
Where will you live that you can help guide, teach, love and create a safe environment for those young boys to grow up in?
These are the questions you need to answer. These are the items that you should analyze. These are the things that will guide you to making the right decision.
Notice how nothing your STBXW says or does has any influence.
Let her make her decisions. She chose to run to another country with an OM and do whatever it is she is doing. Leave her be. If she chooses to be a mother, she knows where the boys are. She knows what she should do to be there for them and be a part of their lives.
Jim, I hope I am not coming off too harsh, but you need a sledgehammer to the noggin, because you have been given some pretty consistent feedback and I pray that you can make the best decision for you and your boys.
You have been through a lot and as I have said to you before, the task you are faced with is not an easy one, but you have been a stand up man and father and that is more than many others in your situation would do.
I pray that you may receive the inspiration that you need to guide your family to a good place.
Take care my friend. I am here supporting you and want more than anything to see you have peace and success with those young sons of yours.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/09/16 07:15 AM
Well said, SH.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/09/16 03:40 PM
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/09/16 05:33 PM
Jim
I once posted to you that I thought your WW was one of these women who like babies (infants) not children.
I am still of that view although recently I backed off on putting it in writing to you.
Jim, sadly there is nothing, truly nothing you can do to make another, your WW particularly accountable when agreements aren't honoured then only legal action can help.
You are a dad in millions.
V
I once posted to you that I thought your WW was one of these women who like babies (infants) not children.
I am still of that view although recently I backed off on putting it in writing to you.
Jim, sadly there is nothing, truly nothing you can do to make another, your WW particularly accountable when agreements aren't honoured then only legal action can help.
You are a dad in millions.
V
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/09/16 07:35 PM
V,
If you did post that once, I apologize, I do not recall. That type of comment would stick with me.
After tonight's phone conversation with STBX though you are spot on as she made the statement of why won't you let me raise my baby with no comment about the other boys.
I posted more detail on my new thread.
Thank you for the compliment also! I owe you and many others on this board many thanks and hugs!
(((((V)))))
If you did post that once, I apologize, I do not recall. That type of comment would stick with me.
After tonight's phone conversation with STBX though you are spot on as she made the statement of why won't you let me raise my baby with no comment about the other boys.
I posted more detail on my new thread.
Thank you for the compliment also! I owe you and many others on this board many thanks and hugs!
(((((V)))))
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/11/16 02:17 PM
Journaling:
I wake up this morning. It is exchange day for the boys. I am on a conference call. STBX calls at 8:15 am asking if I can meet her closer to the border to do the exchange. She states she is not well and cannot continue to do this on a weekly basis. I said I understand it is tough. This is what was agreed upon. Told her I was on a conference call and would call her back.
Work call is done and she calls again asking where I am, told her I was still at home and getting the boys ready. She said she is waiting at the border and did not cross yet then started to spew on why can't we just get this D completed and split assets. Also asked when will psychologist be done with the custody evaluation. I stated I do not know.
Then she started in on well you can keep the kids, you win, I can't keep driving 10 hours every week and why won't you meet me halfway. I stated that I have to work and cannot meet until later or you can pick them up at the agreed time of 5:30 pm from the apartment. I stated that I thought I was being flexible by meeting you mid day so you don't have to drive at night.
STBX started more spewing then and of course I failed at DB this morning by bringing up the R. She continues to say she will never forgive and I pushed back and she pushed back and multiple issues.
I brought up OM and trip she went on back in March. She said well that is what I needed at that time. Then she said she is not seeing that OM anymore and now it is a different one.
In short, the same swirl for an hour. I get the boys ready and we meet at the mall at noon. I get out of the car and tried to mend fences a bit and said I understand why you needed the trip. She was like oh now you do. I said yes. Left it at that.
She goes to hug the boys and S2 does not even give her the time of day. STBX looks at me and says see you did this. It takes S2 two days before he warms up to me. I looked at her and said I don't know what to say.
S2 does not react that way with me. I am not happy that is the way her reacts to her, makes me sad but she put us in this situation now.
Both of us get a little worked up again and she says I hate you and am going to bring the boys back when I want next Monday. I said we have an agreement on a set time and she said it is not filed with the court. I said OK. She continues to say I am not flexible and I snapped back with a remark and she says I am having someone else drop off the kids next time and then says I may not bring them back at all. Then she says she is going to bring her boyfriend next time with her and she is going to have him kick my a$$. And of course I said just bring them all (not a good choice of words by me).
Then S7 makes a comment and tells me leave us alone and to go live with my parents. I caught part of it and asked him again to repeat what he said. STBX repeats what he said. I sternly told him to be careful on how he talks to me and asked him to give me the book I bought him this past weekend. STBX tries to stop me and so I go around to the passenger seat of the van and open the door and asked S7 who am I and he said dad. I sternly said you do not speak to your father that way and for your punishment you do not get to take the book with you.
I need to improve on ensuring I do not do this in front of the boys as she continues to lure me in to these situations. Not a very good day for any of us in my family.
I wake up this morning. It is exchange day for the boys. I am on a conference call. STBX calls at 8:15 am asking if I can meet her closer to the border to do the exchange. She states she is not well and cannot continue to do this on a weekly basis. I said I understand it is tough. This is what was agreed upon. Told her I was on a conference call and would call her back.
Work call is done and she calls again asking where I am, told her I was still at home and getting the boys ready. She said she is waiting at the border and did not cross yet then started to spew on why can't we just get this D completed and split assets. Also asked when will psychologist be done with the custody evaluation. I stated I do not know.
Then she started in on well you can keep the kids, you win, I can't keep driving 10 hours every week and why won't you meet me halfway. I stated that I have to work and cannot meet until later or you can pick them up at the agreed time of 5:30 pm from the apartment. I stated that I thought I was being flexible by meeting you mid day so you don't have to drive at night.
STBX started more spewing then and of course I failed at DB this morning by bringing up the R. She continues to say she will never forgive and I pushed back and she pushed back and multiple issues.
I brought up OM and trip she went on back in March. She said well that is what I needed at that time. Then she said she is not seeing that OM anymore and now it is a different one.
In short, the same swirl for an hour. I get the boys ready and we meet at the mall at noon. I get out of the car and tried to mend fences a bit and said I understand why you needed the trip. She was like oh now you do. I said yes. Left it at that.
She goes to hug the boys and S2 does not even give her the time of day. STBX looks at me and says see you did this. It takes S2 two days before he warms up to me. I looked at her and said I don't know what to say.
S2 does not react that way with me. I am not happy that is the way her reacts to her, makes me sad but she put us in this situation now.
Both of us get a little worked up again and she says I hate you and am going to bring the boys back when I want next Monday. I said we have an agreement on a set time and she said it is not filed with the court. I said OK. She continues to say I am not flexible and I snapped back with a remark and she says I am having someone else drop off the kids next time and then says I may not bring them back at all. Then she says she is going to bring her boyfriend next time with her and she is going to have him kick my a$$. And of course I said just bring them all (not a good choice of words by me).
Then S7 makes a comment and tells me leave us alone and to go live with my parents. I caught part of it and asked him again to repeat what he said. STBX repeats what he said. I sternly told him to be careful on how he talks to me and asked him to give me the book I bought him this past weekend. STBX tries to stop me and so I go around to the passenger seat of the van and open the door and asked S7 who am I and he said dad. I sternly said you do not speak to your father that way and for your punishment you do not get to take the book with you.
I need to improve on ensuring I do not do this in front of the boys as she continues to lure me in to these situations. Not a very good day for any of us in my family.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/11/16 03:22 PM
SH
Here are my responses.
Yes, I feel I would not be in this sitch. As of today she stated she wanted to cake eat and date while we were still separated.
I want to be closer to her for the boys and not for me. When I try to negotiate with her to take action and get things finalized she does not want to budge (her terms only) so the conversations don't go anywhere. We haven't had any discussions about this unless she brings it up.
Some thoughts from your post
You have been in this community long enough to know that this does not matter. It does not change your sitch, and spending much more time trying to label it is a cheesless tunnel.
Yes agree, her circus her monkeys.
5 days now that STBX has not called the boys to say hello to them. I know that she is still in Toronto because she made a charge on the CC yesterday. I thought maybe she was on vacation with OM.
Why are you still concerned with what she is dong or who she is doing it with. You need to try to stop putting anymore thought energy into her at all. Save the energy for you and your boys.
Agree, I spend time with my kids and do activities with them, GAL with them and without them.
I was on the phone with a buddy of mine and I walked into one of the boys rooms, S7 asked if it was mom and I told him no it was my friend. I asked S7 if he wanted to speak with him and S7 said yes. My friend has an S8 and the two boys have met several times.
I can see that my boys just want to interact and get some attention. I am glad I gave him the phone for a few minutes to interact with another adult male.
This is great to recognize. This is a trait that makes you an exceptional father. Continue to identify the needs of your sons, especially in providing positive attention. Young children love it and benefit from it greatly.
V,
I definitely have a lot of thinking to do. The path that I take with the boys will be a critical decision.
It will be a critical decision. It is one that you have clearly been wrestling with for sometime now. You have been given lots of advice and feedback on this decision, and much of it seems to be the same advice, but it is contrary to the thoughts that you have shared frequently.
Why? what is everyone missing when they encourage you to not make the move?
The reasons I am considering moving is because I have lived my life here. I can raise my boys anywhere in the world, does not matter. When I was younger I traveled a lot between Chicago and Toronto because I was bored out of my mind in Michigan.
Here are the positives for me.
Start a new life without STBX and meet new people.
Still continue to be the best dad I can be.
STBX gets the benefit of co-parenting in the same city and the boys do not have to travel back and forth.
When I am with my boys in Toronto my focus will be on them.
When I do not have them I want to be able to live life also. I feel I need a change for myself and not for STBX.
Of course this will all depend on the outcome of the decision on custody and the financials because even when I try to talk to STBX about financials she only wants to discuss what is in her favor so I have to ride this rollercoaster to the end.
I continue to think back to some of the statements that STBX has said when I first was getting my transfer. She was trying to negotiate a short term plan. She would say things like you can have the boys after 3 or 4 years just let me raise my baby during his formidable years.
Why does anything she say weigh into the decision?
And this statement seems odd. What mother, biological or adoptive would negotiate just raising children for certain years.
I agree. But I want to build a friendship with her after the D for my boys sake and nothing else.
As far as I can tell yes, she focuses on herself but again that is just my perspective.
Another thing she said was if one of them wants to come live with you I won't stop them.
Another statement by your W that is weighing into your decision ?
Why?
This is not weighing in on my decision. This is just a statement she made that concerns me about her connection to the boys.
When I had the transfer in motion we discussed how things would work if we were living in the same city. I asked if she was going to come to my place to watch the boys and get them ready for school and she stated that she was not willing to get up at the crack of dawn so that I could go to work. I said fine, I will find some other means to ensure the boys would get to school.
It is starting to look like the puppet strings from your W are attached to your decision making here.
Why?
It was just a discussion we had. I can make my own plans on how to care for them, when we initially had this conversation I was more attached to STBX.
Lastly, she stated that if I were to ever find a job opportunity out of state or a longer distance away from her she would not stop me from going and taking the boys with me.
Again, her statements dictating your decision ?
Do you see a pattern here?
They are not dictating my decisions, yes I see a pattern of what she is trying to do.
I think about these 4 statements a lot. To me, this does not sound like someone who made a conscious choice to adopt 5 boys and commit to raising them. It is clear her morals do not match mine.
You are doing a lot of thinking about what she has said and making determinations about what she thinks, her morals and what she will do in the future.
You know better JimKao. This is exactly what you have been counseled, advised, encouraged etc against doing for your own good.
Why are you still doing it my friend?
Why?
I am overanalyzing but not taking any action at this time. Things need to be on my terms and I am sure this will be perceived as controlling to STBX.
My IC said I need to really think this through so that STBX does not abandon the boys a second time if we move up there. The only sure thing I know is that I will be there for them even if she does.
Your IC is giving the same advice so many others have given you. How many more folks need to share the advice so that you can take a step back and make a good decision for this?
We know that you will be there for those boys. Make a decision so that while you are there for them, that you can provide for them and care for them. Moving to Toronto does not sound like the best option for you to do all of that based on what you have shared with us.
Is there additional information that you have chosen not to share that has so many providing feedback to you with a lack of information?
No, I think I have share more info than most, I am an open book. Maybe too much of a nice guy.
I have a friend who has 3 biological children and 2 adopted. He has been D for 5 years now. His xW moved in with her OM 4 months after their D. His oldest resents her and my friend says that so do all of his other kids now. I don't want my boys resenting my STBX. I know that is out of my control and that the boys will feel what they feel when they get older based on her actions.
How does moving closer to her change whether your boys will resent her or not? Only her decisions will influence that. This does not seem to add any value to what you are trying to decide here? It may actually be blurring things as it sounds like you want to control this situation by moving. Which you know it does not control it at all.
Not trying to control her. Just looking to make a more normal future for the boys.
For me, I always hold myself accountable for my actions, which is probably why I take a long time to make decisions and overanalyze sometimes.
Amen brother. Now this makes sense and you should print this out and read it the moment you start to analyze this decision again. Or should we say, overanalyze this decision? You will be accountable to the outcomes of the decision. You don't want to make an emotional decision, because we know how that typically turns out for most of us, right?
Agree which is why I need to just focus on today.
In this case though, I cannot allow her to runaway from her responsibilities. I will have to make my assessment after the D is finalized to see how to proceed and minimize the loss that the boys will feel while protecting myself and the boys financially also.
How is it your responsibility to make her take responsibility??
She chooses whether to be a mother to her sons or not. Not you.
Thinking that you can do this is is controlling.
This is not realistic.
This is not in your power to do, not matter how you hope a move to be closer would influence future outcomes.
And this just makes no sense after all that you have learned and been advised as it relates to DBing my friend.
It is time for you cut the puppet strings that are attached between your thoughts and your STBXW.
It is time to start thinking like a single father that needs to raise 5 boys.
Ask yourself these questions.
Where will you live that can provide you with the best opportunities to financially support and raise those boys?
Where will you live that you can have the best opportunity for moral support from family members and close friends?
Where will you live that you can help guide, teach, love and create a safe environment for those young boys to grow up in?
These are the questions you need to answer. These are the items that you should analyze. These are the things that will guide you to making the right decision.
Notice how nothing your STBXW says or does has any influence.
Let her make her decisions. She chose to run to another country with an OM and do whatever it is she is doing. Leave her be. If she chooses to be a mother, she knows where the boys are. She knows what she should do to be there for them and be a part of their lives.
Jim, I hope I am not coming off too harsh, but you need a sledgehammer to the noggin, because you have been given some pretty consistent feedback and I pray that you can make the best decision for you and your boys.
You have been through a lot and as I have said to you before, the task you are faced with is not an easy one, but you have been a stand up man and father and that is more than many others in your situation would do.
I pray that you may receive the inspiration that you need to guide your family to a good place.
Take care my friend. I am here supporting you and want more than anything to see you have peace and success with those young sons of yours.
SH,
I agree with many of your statements. I guess I have not completely detached. I just want to do right by my boys and as one of the DB coaches said, if you can handle it and make the move to build a friendship at the very least then do it. I do not want to be one of those D'd couples that just does an exchange and that is it. I want the boys to thrive off of both parents so I am trying to plan out whether or not I am strong enough emotionally to make that happen.
The roller coaster will never end with her no matter where we live. I know that once I am D'd she has no say over my actions anymore or now for that matter, but it will give me some closure to say I did the best that I could. Even after the D I want to "do the right thing" as she keeps saying, but the right thing will be based on the outcome of the D. The actions will be solely mine with no ties to her as far as us being H and W. We can beat a dead horse and someone can say well you can take action now but until the psych evaluation and mediation is complete and letting the system takes its course there is no move I can make at this time.
Here are my responses.
Originally Posted By: SH_
Jim, I have debated whether to share my thoughts on this post or not this evening, and I finally decided to do so in hopes to give you something to chew on and understand that it is from an outside perspective of this conflict that you have clearly been having about a move to Toronto. There are several themes that run consistent in your threads and story that you may want to look back at. Also, you have been given some pretty consistent advice in this community as well as from folks that you interact with and share with us about, yet you are still trying to convince yourself or someone that you need to move and be close to your STBXW.
JK, what is the real reason for this?
Is it that you still feel that if you moved there previously that you would not be in this sitch?
Is it that you want to be closer to your W?
Is it that you are fearful of raising 5 young sons all on your own?
What is it that is keeping you up at night with this decision?
JK, what is the real reason for this?
Is it that you still feel that if you moved there previously that you would not be in this sitch?
Is it that you want to be closer to your W?
Is it that you are fearful of raising 5 young sons all on your own?
What is it that is keeping you up at night with this decision?
Yes, I feel I would not be in this sitch. As of today she stated she wanted to cake eat and date while we were still separated.
I want to be closer to her for the boys and not for me. When I try to negotiate with her to take action and get things finalized she does not want to budge (her terms only) so the conversations don't go anywhere. We haven't had any discussions about this unless she brings it up.
Originally Posted By: SH_
Some thoughts from your post
Originally Posted By: JimKao
So this has to be more MLC for her than WAW or waywardness, or who knows, a combination of all 3.
You have been in this community long enough to know that this does not matter. It does not change your sitch, and spending much more time trying to label it is a cheesless tunnel.
Yes agree, her circus her monkeys.
Originally Posted By: SH_
Originally Posted By: JimKao
5 days now that STBX has not called the boys to say hello to them. I know that she is still in Toronto because she made a charge on the CC yesterday. I thought maybe she was on vacation with OM.
Why are you still concerned with what she is dong or who she is doing it with. You need to try to stop putting anymore thought energy into her at all. Save the energy for you and your boys.
Agree, I spend time with my kids and do activities with them, GAL with them and without them.
Originally Posted By: SH_
Originally Posted By: JimKao
I was on the phone with a buddy of mine and I walked into one of the boys rooms, S7 asked if it was mom and I told him no it was my friend. I asked S7 if he wanted to speak with him and S7 said yes. My friend has an S8 and the two boys have met several times.
I can see that my boys just want to interact and get some attention. I am glad I gave him the phone for a few minutes to interact with another adult male.
This is great to recognize. This is a trait that makes you an exceptional father. Continue to identify the needs of your sons, especially in providing positive attention. Young children love it and benefit from it greatly.
Originally Posted By: SH_
Originally Posted By: JimKao
V,
I definitely have a lot of thinking to do. The path that I take with the boys will be a critical decision.
It will be a critical decision. It is one that you have clearly been wrestling with for sometime now. You have been given lots of advice and feedback on this decision, and much of it seems to be the same advice, but it is contrary to the thoughts that you have shared frequently.
Why? what is everyone missing when they encourage you to not make the move?
The reasons I am considering moving is because I have lived my life here. I can raise my boys anywhere in the world, does not matter. When I was younger I traveled a lot between Chicago and Toronto because I was bored out of my mind in Michigan.
Here are the positives for me.
Start a new life without STBX and meet new people.
Still continue to be the best dad I can be.
STBX gets the benefit of co-parenting in the same city and the boys do not have to travel back and forth.
When I am with my boys in Toronto my focus will be on them.
When I do not have them I want to be able to live life also. I feel I need a change for myself and not for STBX.
Of course this will all depend on the outcome of the decision on custody and the financials because even when I try to talk to STBX about financials she only wants to discuss what is in her favor so I have to ride this rollercoaster to the end.
Originally Posted By: SH_
Originally Posted By: JimKao
I continue to think back to some of the statements that STBX has said when I first was getting my transfer. She was trying to negotiate a short term plan. She would say things like you can have the boys after 3 or 4 years just let me raise my baby during his formidable years.
Why does anything she say weigh into the decision?
And this statement seems odd. What mother, biological or adoptive would negotiate just raising children for certain years.
I agree. But I want to build a friendship with her after the D for my boys sake and nothing else.
Originally Posted By: SH_
Let me share an experience that I have watched unfold in my own life.
I have a sister that was desperate to have children and found out that she could not. She then made the decision to adopt. But it had to be a baby. She found a baby, but there was a sibling and the deal was that they both needed to be together. So she took them both in. Fast forward a number of years and some behavior issues with the older sibling and she found a way to get him sent off and the state took over the care of the child.
My sister is not exactly well by the standards of the rest of my family, but my point here, is that her love for her adopted son is not what most of us would expect from a mother.
How well is your wife? How attached is she to your sons? Your posts of late would indicate the she may be a little more focused on her other activities and the boys are not the priority. Would this be correct?
I have a sister that was desperate to have children and found out that she could not. She then made the decision to adopt. But it had to be a baby. She found a baby, but there was a sibling and the deal was that they both needed to be together. So she took them both in. Fast forward a number of years and some behavior issues with the older sibling and she found a way to get him sent off and the state took over the care of the child.
My sister is not exactly well by the standards of the rest of my family, but my point here, is that her love for her adopted son is not what most of us would expect from a mother.
How well is your wife? How attached is she to your sons? Your posts of late would indicate the she may be a little more focused on her other activities and the boys are not the priority. Would this be correct?
As far as I can tell yes, she focuses on herself but again that is just my perspective.
Originally Posted By: SH_
Originally Posted By: JimKao
Another thing she said was if one of them wants to come live with you I won't stop them.
Another statement by your W that is weighing into your decision ?
Why?
This is not weighing in on my decision. This is just a statement she made that concerns me about her connection to the boys.
Originally Posted By: SH_
Originally Posted By: JimKao
When I had the transfer in motion we discussed how things would work if we were living in the same city. I asked if she was going to come to my place to watch the boys and get them ready for school and she stated that she was not willing to get up at the crack of dawn so that I could go to work. I said fine, I will find some other means to ensure the boys would get to school.
It is starting to look like the puppet strings from your W are attached to your decision making here.
Why?
It was just a discussion we had. I can make my own plans on how to care for them, when we initially had this conversation I was more attached to STBX.
Originally Posted By: SH_
Originally Posted By: JimKao
Lastly, she stated that if I were to ever find a job opportunity out of state or a longer distance away from her she would not stop me from going and taking the boys with me.
Again, her statements dictating your decision ?
Do you see a pattern here?
They are not dictating my decisions, yes I see a pattern of what she is trying to do.
Originally Posted By: SH_
Originally Posted By: JimKao
I think about these 4 statements a lot. To me, this does not sound like someone who made a conscious choice to adopt 5 boys and commit to raising them. It is clear her morals do not match mine.
You are doing a lot of thinking about what she has said and making determinations about what she thinks, her morals and what she will do in the future.
You know better JimKao. This is exactly what you have been counseled, advised, encouraged etc against doing for your own good.
Why are you still doing it my friend?
Why?
I am overanalyzing but not taking any action at this time. Things need to be on my terms and I am sure this will be perceived as controlling to STBX.
Originally Posted By: SH_
Originally Posted By: JimKao
My IC said I need to really think this through so that STBX does not abandon the boys a second time if we move up there. The only sure thing I know is that I will be there for them even if she does.
Your IC is giving the same advice so many others have given you. How many more folks need to share the advice so that you can take a step back and make a good decision for this?
We know that you will be there for those boys. Make a decision so that while you are there for them, that you can provide for them and care for them. Moving to Toronto does not sound like the best option for you to do all of that based on what you have shared with us.
Is there additional information that you have chosen not to share that has so many providing feedback to you with a lack of information?
No, I think I have share more info than most, I am an open book. Maybe too much of a nice guy.
Originally Posted By: SH_
Originally Posted By: JimKao
I have a friend who has 3 biological children and 2 adopted. He has been D for 5 years now. His xW moved in with her OM 4 months after their D. His oldest resents her and my friend says that so do all of his other kids now. I don't want my boys resenting my STBX. I know that is out of my control and that the boys will feel what they feel when they get older based on her actions.
How does moving closer to her change whether your boys will resent her or not? Only her decisions will influence that. This does not seem to add any value to what you are trying to decide here? It may actually be blurring things as it sounds like you want to control this situation by moving. Which you know it does not control it at all.
Not trying to control her. Just looking to make a more normal future for the boys.
Originally Posted By: SH_
Originally Posted By: JimKao
For me, I always hold myself accountable for my actions, which is probably why I take a long time to make decisions and overanalyze sometimes.
Amen brother. Now this makes sense and you should print this out and read it the moment you start to analyze this decision again. Or should we say, overanalyze this decision? You will be accountable to the outcomes of the decision. You don't want to make an emotional decision, because we know how that typically turns out for most of us, right?
Agree which is why I need to just focus on today.
Originally Posted By: SH_
Originally Posted By: JimKao
In this case though, I cannot allow her to runaway from her responsibilities. I will have to make my assessment after the D is finalized to see how to proceed and minimize the loss that the boys will feel while protecting myself and the boys financially also.
How is it your responsibility to make her take responsibility??
She chooses whether to be a mother to her sons or not. Not you.
Thinking that you can do this is is controlling.
This is not realistic.
This is not in your power to do, not matter how you hope a move to be closer would influence future outcomes.
And this just makes no sense after all that you have learned and been advised as it relates to DBing my friend.
It is time for you cut the puppet strings that are attached between your thoughts and your STBXW.
It is time to start thinking like a single father that needs to raise 5 boys.
Ask yourself these questions.
Where will you live that can provide you with the best opportunities to financially support and raise those boys?
Where will you live that you can have the best opportunity for moral support from family members and close friends?
Where will you live that you can help guide, teach, love and create a safe environment for those young boys to grow up in?
These are the questions you need to answer. These are the items that you should analyze. These are the things that will guide you to making the right decision.
Notice how nothing your STBXW says or does has any influence.
Let her make her decisions. She chose to run to another country with an OM and do whatever it is she is doing. Leave her be. If she chooses to be a mother, she knows where the boys are. She knows what she should do to be there for them and be a part of their lives.
Jim, I hope I am not coming off too harsh, but you need a sledgehammer to the noggin, because you have been given some pretty consistent feedback and I pray that you can make the best decision for you and your boys.
You have been through a lot and as I have said to you before, the task you are faced with is not an easy one, but you have been a stand up man and father and that is more than many others in your situation would do.
I pray that you may receive the inspiration that you need to guide your family to a good place.
Take care my friend. I am here supporting you and want more than anything to see you have peace and success with those young sons of yours.
SH,
I agree with many of your statements. I guess I have not completely detached. I just want to do right by my boys and as one of the DB coaches said, if you can handle it and make the move to build a friendship at the very least then do it. I do not want to be one of those D'd couples that just does an exchange and that is it. I want the boys to thrive off of both parents so I am trying to plan out whether or not I am strong enough emotionally to make that happen.
The roller coaster will never end with her no matter where we live. I know that once I am D'd she has no say over my actions anymore or now for that matter, but it will give me some closure to say I did the best that I could. Even after the D I want to "do the right thing" as she keeps saying, but the right thing will be based on the outcome of the D. The actions will be solely mine with no ties to her as far as us being H and W. We can beat a dead horse and someone can say well you can take action now but until the psych evaluation and mediation is complete and letting the system takes its course there is no move I can make at this time.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/11/16 04:03 PM
Wow JK
No..the roller coaster won't end and unfortunately you are tied at the hip to her for years to come.
Her threatening you should be documented by your lawyer and sent on the boyfriend kicking your butt. There is no room for threats like that..don't stand for it
She will continue to blame you so hopefully you can find time when you are not with the boys to find your way...somethign to keep you going down the path towards happiness again. I know that is hard...you are focused on 5 kids and doing the right thing which is admirable. Keep that in mind..you..are doing what is right.
No..the roller coaster won't end and unfortunately you are tied at the hip to her for years to come.
Her threatening you should be documented by your lawyer and sent on the boyfriend kicking your butt. There is no room for threats like that..don't stand for it
She will continue to blame you so hopefully you can find time when you are not with the boys to find your way...somethign to keep you going down the path towards happiness again. I know that is hard...you are focused on 5 kids and doing the right thing which is admirable. Keep that in mind..you..are doing what is right.
Re: Foucs on Me and my Boys 4 - 07/11/16 06:45 PM
Hey Jim,
You have a link to a new thread so I'll go there to reply.
You have a link to a new thread so I'll go there to reply.