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Posted By: vise82 Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 06/24/16 08:55 AM
Hey time for a new thread.

The last one was all about selling the house and moving out as we both have houses now a couple of blocks away.

Here is the old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2687141&page=11


To answer the question from the end of the last thread. No we have not had the discussion of D. It has always been about S. W has said she is not in a hurry to change her name. That was about it.

I have no idea how she feels about it. For me I would need it to move on.

I think I will give it some time and I will see if she comes to me about it. I guess it deserves a talk before I go ahead and file. Right now the one year S is up and all that is left is to get the D paper.

Kids said they are going to visit the old street and go swimming at the old neighbors house. Kids asked if I could go. I am going to a car show that day as W has the kids is what I told them and I do.

I have no intention in going back to that street. This would be a hurdle if we were to R as I have no interest in being around the friends she made as they did nothing to help us and only hurt us.
Posted By: Fogg Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 06/24/16 01:47 PM
What does moving on look like to you exactly and why would you need to file for D now to get there.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 06/27/16 05:36 AM
Hey Fogg,

Why would I need to D? because I think she wont. I also can see now there is no hope. She has a new circle of friends, she has a new life with out me, she has new memories and conversations that I am not a part of.

I can see that I am out of her life and she has no problem with that.

I am not saying that I will file right now. I will hold off to give this living apart time to settle. But after reflecting and time apart and seeing how she treated me and the way she handled her anger wards me and the lies. This is not some one I want to be with. Even as hard as that is to say because of what I wanted month before, this is what was trying to be told to me in this forum in the early days. Love from my side is not enough it has to come from both and W did not love me the way a H deserves to be loved.

And because I want to love again. I can not open my heart to someone else while still married to another. It has been over a year with our sex, almost three years with out a sober kiss. I deserve something better that this.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 06/28/16 04:52 AM
hey,

Had a good weekend. Was filled with gal, went to two car shows, from one of them I learned of a guy looking to get rid of some shop manuals cheap, including ones for my car. So I traveled two hours to pick them up. I now have them and will sell the extra shop manuals to see if I can double my money.

Soccer was good we won and I had a good game. I kept up my interaction with the other players, something I need work on.

Yesterday I had an old guy friend visit, he gave me all sorts of advise and straight talk. Said I am doing good and gave me loads of encouragement.

Yester day W ( don't even feel like calling her that) Emailed about two trips she is going on that used to be a family trip and she does not want to take the kids so she asked me to look after them. I guess she is changing the family trip to a single trip, I emailed back I cant take the kids those days for her as I have plans, as I do I have soccer those days.

I am sure she will get mad at me and strike back some how to hurt me or ruin my plans someday over it.

I am not going to look after the kids for her so she can act single. I have my days and she has her days with the kids. That is hard enough and her trying to change the days makes it even harder.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 06/28/16 07:45 AM
Hey so its started, the back lash for not doing what she wants.

She sent an email saying that if I can look after the kids she cant go to the two trips.

She is making it sound so simple that I just need to get a baby sitter to look after the kids for when I am at soccer. I did not say I had soccer only that I had plans.

So she is trying to bully me to do it, and manipulate me with guilt. Trying to make it my fault if she cant find care and cant go.

I am sure this is the start. She has yet to give me a list of things that I need to help her pay for because of the move and I am sure she will now pad that as much as possible.

There is so much I want to tell her but it wont be positive.

I will just leave it for now. But I will see her at kids soccer tonight.
Posted By: RAI Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 06/28/16 10:11 AM
Hey Vise,

Been away. Sounds like your W is very manipulative. If not being D is keeping you from moving on, then it sounds like you got the short end of the stick. W has everything she wants now. What do you want?

RAI
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 06/28/16 11:35 AM
Hey, What do I want, Well I did not want this. I was flat out open about my wanting to get MC and do the best two grown adults with kids can, to stay true to a MR commitment that was made to each other.

Now I want as little contact with her as possible, to just live my life with out fear of reprisal. To follow the agreed upon S agreement and terms. To fulfill my own pursuits and interests. To have the best time with my two boys.
Maybe I don't belong on here anymore. I think she is too far gone, too far away. Not the same girl I married. And this all happened in less that a year. I just see so many road blocks, she is living a world away from me. She has filled the gap that was me with others and I don't see a place where I even fit in.

I am working on me. I have my own world now. Its just how it is now. The fog has lifted from me. I see her for what she is. I don't like what I see.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 06/28/16 06:20 PM
Vise

Good for you.....I hope you are on your way to better things

I think setting the boundries on the vacation is good. I would only say to think about this in terms of if you will need her to bend for you in the future

I have been going thru the same thing (inhouse) soon to be similar to you with separate places. I have bent a little bit on my schedule to help cuz she will have to for me. But she has bullied me in the past and guilted me into things (one of the issues with our relationship) and I won't let her do that either

There needs to be an agreement of if I do this for you, you need to reciprocate.

Think about it if you are going to need that help and only in the realm of your kids and family vs her.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 06/28/16 07:37 PM
Hey rich4j,

I hope so. I want better.

Soccer She was there and did not say hi, was quiet the whole time. I did not talk to her, my focus was on my boys, talked to them non stop.

These trips for her, she needs to figure it out, we have an agreement that covers if she was to take the kids with her, but not to leave them with me. If I could take them I would, I do have plans. It would inconvenience me to look after them when its her day.

This is life now, she cant just go on her own giving up her responsibility to look after the kids. I an sure she will figure it out that she will have to take the kids with her for it to work. I cant say no to that.

That was not her first choice because she is hoping that i would look after them so she can live the single girl dream.

She needs to wake up she has kids, she has responsibility of looking after them. This just blows my mind that she is changing the annual family trip into a kids less party weekend.

Ok enough talk of this, I said no I have plans that is that. If she chooses to hate me for it, that is her choice and it has nothing to do with me.

Soccer was over and i said my good byes to the boys and then to her.

Next...
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/03/16 05:46 PM
Hey,

time for an update,

Basically, my feelings for W I have found go up and down. After a end of school concert one of my kids was in that W and I sat together to watch the feelings came back to me. The fog came back a little. We talked a little not R talk yet. Just about kids and care for them over the summer.

I was hoping this would not happen and was surprised it did. I was so over her.

Its so frustrating as I want to move forward, then this happens. She was surprisingly not mad at me for not looking after the kids when she asked, she told me she is just not going to go on the trip and wedding.

her choice.

She asked me to switch a sat with her as she wants to bring the kids to a cottage, so i agreed. I am not going to stop the kids from having these types of trips.

Its the limbo that is not fun. I have had interest in other women. I cant go ahead with as I feel I am still married. I am not sure how to proceed. Now we are not in house together, i have no idea if she is seeing other guys. I wish I knew as if she has I would just move on. I want to just ask her but i am afraid of the answer. Also she could just lie. When it comes down to it i guess i am looking to end this R first but I am still holding on, I dont want to but here i am. With a sliver of hope. Part of me is wanting to tell her how i am feeling.

Today I dropped the kids off, we talked about bills. I left. then after she calls asking me to help her set up a new computer system. I gave her advise on the phone but i was not going over to her house. Partly because its DBing, and partly because i would be a wreck after leaving her place if i went.

I want to shake this off, to shed the feelings. but there is still something there for me. UGHHHHHH
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/04/16 03:53 AM
V-

Of course you still have those feelings ! They won't go away right away and I am sure you will have weeks where you feel like you did with not wanting to even see her and then BAm....you want to confess your love for her

But what's really changed with her for you ? Probably nothing. We have similar stories as I am moving a few blocks from stbx. Last week I hated her and the last day or so I was super lonely thinking about her a lot ! But she is still the same.

I don't have answers for you except your feelings are normal. And you should try to focus on you and not worry if she is seeing someone or not. If you need closure to move on you may need to approach that D talk.....especially if the door is shut but sounds like it's still a bit open for u ?
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/04/16 09:48 AM
Hey rich4j

Thanks for stopping by.

I was thinking about how W wanted this S to see if her feelings would come back for me and how now I am trying to get rid of my feelings for her.

It has been a month now that we have been physically separated. We have not don't much together, one birthday dinner, and soccer twice a week and one kids school event.

I was wondering how it would go. I have tried to be as dark as I can.

We have been in contact over the last few days over old bills. I avoid being at her house for any reason. The other day she tells me that she will go with me to get my gym membership at her gym for free with her. I just said yeah that's a good deal. I was never going to ask her to set it up.

I did not have soccer this weekend and I am feeling a little broken right now.

Kids are not with me so I need to find the strength to get some work done.
Posted By: pinn Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/04/16 11:06 AM
I would hate going to the same gym as my WW. I'd find a different one.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/04/16 11:37 AM
Hey pinn,

It would be a shared membership as I would only be able to go when she is not there. But yes I don't really like the idea as I bet she knows people there and they would fill her in on what I am doing. I don't know if she knows people there, just a possibility. It would be free she said she would just pay for her membership that includes mine.

But really is anything free?

She just emailed me about me looking after the kids again for when she goes to a wedding. I have said no already and she is asking one more time. She says she will try to fly back so I am not looking after them for so long.

I so want to send a truth dart email, saying really? you want me to change my plans for you? Why?, you left me, broke up the family, don't want to work on anything. Why would I make my life harder so that you can go to a wedding??

or

Your a big girl you can figure out something. I have plans that day, I cant look after the kids.

Or

I just ignore the email. That is a lot easier to just leave it and not answer her.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/04/16 12:58 PM
V

One month and the first month I would think is the toughest so over time I hope it gets easier for you whether its for good or not

She is as pushy as my STBX :-) I would email her just to reconfirm "no" I can't watch them. otherwise it sounds like she may just end up doing what she wants and thinks you will be the nice guy and watch them anyway.....

I agree on the gym too. Cut ties whether shared and not there or not. The less u have to interact and be connected the better to figure your sitch out.

With kids, you will be connected forever regardless so from all the folks I know who have divorced with kids....many said it took 2-3 years before they had a normal civil interactions with their X's for the kids sake ONe of my friends girlfriends is divorced and its 3 years later and she still hates the site of him (he cheated and left her)

Its been a year for you and i am sure a long year (my year anniversary of ILYB...is August). Take the time away from each other and get to know yourself better , join some Meetups, do some different things you never have done and try to clear the mind

Easier said than done I know but that is what i am trying to build up towards myself. I am at the beach with some family/friends and D7 and GAL'ing but still after talking to them about my sitch, they understand how lonely and challenging this is ...for anyone. Its a huge life change and it takes time

In time you will know what direction you want to head either full steam or slowly. U will know if you need to file for D or not. Have a good fourth!
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/08/16 08:36 AM
Hey

So things have been going ok. Very little contact with W. See her at kids soccer, had some money issues that we worked out, stuff left over from the S agreement.

Was getting new headaches, so I see my doctor and she want me to get more MRIs. Says I am doing good considering what has happened with the move and everything. I broke down in her office as it was all too much for me to do these type of tests again and this time W is not with me to help me through it, Just sad about that. Feel left on my own again, a little anger came out too.

Unfortunately this came out in front of my kids. I had to talk to them about how it had nothing to do with them. I think it scared them to see me like that.

I did reach out to my friend and that helped.

I have been having thoughts that maybe my W is dying and this is her way of getting me ready for when she is not going to be around. Forcing me on my own to deal with it before she passes.

Cheeseless tunnel.

So now I go on. One day at a time. Looking forward to when things will get better for me.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/10/16 01:21 PM
Hey, had a good weekend with the kids, this is starting to feel like we are D. had no contact with her for days now. She is seeing the kids less as they go to her parents for two nights and almost three days.

It was GAL all weekend, skate park, car show, drive in movie, R/C car race. As you can tell all stuff i like, we had so much fun.

I met up with my old friend that w and I have kept the kids from seeing. Reason was he might tell my family where we lived. Thinking back this is unforgivable that she would suggest this. Part of her control of me. I am sure w knows now as kids would have told her.

its my life now, i call the shots.

at drop kid drop off it was just that, she had nothing to say to me. I got out as soon as i could.

left to go to my soccer, made an effort to talk to the other players.

Now I am home alone and this is where I have trouble. I freeze. I stall. I procrastinate.

What worked good was hiring the babysitter to help me unpack, I could direct, organize the work, plan the jobs and complete them.

It seems that when kids are not here it is the best time to clean up the house, and buy groceries and do all the laundry to get the house ready for when they come back. Baby sitter looks after them during the day here for three days.

I have not seen any change with W after I have pulled back. SHe has not come closer, in fact the opposite. we see less of each other now. She did invite me over last week to help with setting up a video game. I declined.

Looks like MR is slipping away into the nothing of D. It feels like there is nothing there right now, like its gone, never even happened.
Posted By: Melo Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/10/16 02:10 PM
It's tough, I often feel the same ĺ, granted it has only been a week for me. My kids don't even seem to care that I'm not there. Keep yourself as busy as possible brother.
Posted By: pinn Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/10/16 03:08 PM
Hey Vise,

Give it some time my man. It took months and months before I saw anything positive from my WW after she moved out. Keep GAL'ing and living life my friend.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/11/16 07:09 AM
V-

I am following you as I am going to be going thru this starting in August moving out and on my own. Been there before in a long term relationship years ago living together and it is tough. The quiet....nobody to sit on the couch with and talk about your day...watch a movie. I get it.. I would sometimes have mini panic attacks until I started to GAL more and just keep busy

But your doing awesome with kids activities. I wish I could plan that well!

I get the notion of needing closure and not feeling in limbo. I think thats why my STBX filed pretty quickly out of guilt when she started with he affair that she is denying to the hilt. Hard to put myself in anyones shoes but if you need the D to try to pull a reaction from your WAW versus needing closure I would keep doing what your doing and figure things out.

Best!
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/12/16 09:03 AM
Hey, thanks for the replies Melo, pinn and rich4j.

Yesterday I was tired, cam home form work and just went to bed and slept. Didn't get off the bed till it was morning.

Its a lot to deal with. The day before I was watching a movie. At the same time I missed my boys and I just seen them that morning.

I think I need time. To let everything go through me. to feel the pain. I am going to have to step up and get things done.. To stop feeling sorry for myself. It is getting me nowhere.

I will see the kids at soccer. I think the hardest part do far is the feelings that come and go for W. The closer would be nice so that I would not feel as much pain anymore. This is just something I never imagined I would have to deal with. I thought marriage was forever. I was blind to the reality. But to some degree it is, as the experience will be with me forever.

Routine is starting to set in. Time is starting to go by. It saddens me that there will be no summer family trips this year.

I need to start moving forward. continue to be the best man I can and have the best life I can with my two boys. That all start with the home. My focus needs to be on finishing setting up the house.

One day at a time.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/12/16 10:56 AM
Amen to that V-

It's hard to take the one day at a time
It's hard to let yourself feel the pain

It's hard because it could mean it's over

But....make yourself happy. Make yourself the center of things too when not around your kids. I know "you" seems to be not the focus as its the R and the kids but over time that has to change. I feel the same way...I have been ignoring ME outside of my GAL'ing But even when I GAL i still am not all there.

Get the house to a warm & happy place and things will take care of themselves

Better times ahead
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/14/16 07:54 AM
Hey,

W asked me to look after the boys during and after soccer as she had to go to a walk in clinic, she was no feeling well. I did not ask anymore about it.

I had a good time with my boys, and dropped them off at her house. There was no conversation at all. just drop off, hugs and I left. I short good bye, she didn't respond, and I did not wait for her response.

I sent her a text about how my head aches are worse and I had a MRI soon. After she had to go to a doctor I thought I better let her know what was going on with me incase things got worse with me. She replied that she was glad that I told her and very sorry I was going through this again and that if there is anything she can help me with just ask. And to let her know how the scan goes.

I did not reply. All that means nothing to me.

I have the kids now and the oldest S7 was asking about Christmas. He said the grandma on my W side said that I was invited to there place for Christmas.

I was shocked at first and S7 asked if I was going to spend Christmas with them.

I just said its so far away I don't have an answer.

Now I don't know if I should mention something to W about this. Its not her place to be telling S7 this. I just see no benefit to me going. I would be miserable, it would give false hope to kids. I was planning on just having Christmas with them on my own as per the agreement on the days I get.

Also makes me made, back to the wedding of brother inlaw, I was not invited so why invite me to Christmas. What is the difference?

She has no right to say that to my son. I can see it upset him. It was right before his soccer game he asks this. W was not at soccer and after I let him call her and he starts talking to her she asks how the game was and he hangs up on her crying.

I am thinking I am going to have to mention this to W. That invite should have gone through me first. I should not have heard that from my S7.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/14/16 12:04 PM
Hey,

I decided to not mention the Christmas invite that S7 talked about. Problem is I don't know the context. He could have asked if I was invited for all I know. What he told me and what was said and how it was said could have been different.

I am going to leave it alone.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/17/16 09:28 AM
Hey,

Had a rough time yesterday, did some shopping to get my kids socks after I dropped kids off at W. $200 later I bought new clothes for me, sunglasses, new cologne, and kids socks.

This did not end there I went to some thrift stores and bought more stuff. I came home and brought the stuff in and realized I was trying to fill the void of not having my boys there with stuff. Trying to fill a void with stuff. something my parrents did. They filled a house wih stuff. The void never will get filled that way.

I need to change my focus. I was buying this stuff to fill my house with new stuff and I dont need to. WHen I grew up my parrents house was full of stuff and I could see I was doing the same thing.

Going to make a pile of stuff to donate back to the thrift store.

But I do still have this void. Kids are with W on a camping trip. First one with out me. I was having boughts of broken heart pain and longing to have someone by my side. And even though I had the whole evening to do what ever I wanted it was something that I could not change that night.

So I have been thingking about disney world and I want to bring the kids. This is where I wanted to go for the honeymoon. W talked me out of it saying if we had kids we would go with them. But with her not by my side and with S7 getting past the age of wonder, Its time to go. I thinking this is a good idea for me. I mean I used to shy away from bringing them to a toy store, and now I have no problems bring them to disney world. I have grown alot.

I am also finding time is going by fast, faster then me being able to keep up with the stuff I want to get done. Looks like some plans are going to be shifted to next year just based on how fast things are able to get done now with the shared parrenting plan. Basically anything I want to do gets put on hold when I have the kids. There is no time or energy left when I have them.

Also as time goes on I see less chance W and I will get back together. I do get urges to push it but those have almost stopped as my logical side says its done, dont even bother. Besides at first glance she is not attractive to me anymore. I find though the more I look at her the more I find things that attracted me to her.
Posted By: J5K Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/17/16 01:42 PM
Vise

I get the same feelings about STBX. She is still attractive but her attitude is not. I guess the more time goes by the more we will be able to heal and move on.

As far as stuff goes, I am sure it is hard to not buy things. I struggle when I don't have my boys with what to do with myself. Finances are even more crucial to track more than before.
Posted By: Melo Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/17/16 05:49 PM
I think it's ok to buy some stuff as long as all the bills are paid. Pamper yourself a little, some nice clothes and a nice Cologne go a long way towards making you feel better. It's just superficial, but it makes a difference.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/18/16 07:52 AM
Originally Posted By: vise82
Hey,


So I have been thingking about disney world and I want to bring the kids. This is where I wanted to go for the honeymoon. W talked me out of it saying if we had kids we would go with them. But with her not by my side and with S7 getting past the age of wonder, Its time to go. I thinking this is a good idea for me. I mean I used to shy away from bringing them to a toy store, and now I have no problems bring them to disney world. I have grown alot.





V-
Sorry you are having a hard time. I am moving in 3 weeks and have alot of the angst you are going thru now. Will I be pacing around the house when I don't have D7? I have joined a bunch of MeetUps so hopefully will keep busy.

On Disney....I don't know where u are based but I did this Solo this past spring break. I would never do spring break again but it was a trip of a lifetime for us as D7 had the best time. I was exhausted and so was she and thats 1 kid! you have 2! Super expensive too. There are some other great adventure parks like Disney if based in the NorthEast that are less $ and you get to do many more rides....but Disney is a trip of a lifetime.


I also find my STBX not attractive although physically she is in the best shape in years. It just disgusts me what she has put me thru the last 9 months....good riddance
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/21/16 04:56 AM
Hey,

W came back from camping, found out it was a large group of family on her mothers side. Don't know why she would not tell me that.

My S7 was sick last night and I had to tell W that he would not be going to soccer so she does not go.

This created a furry of texting back and forth about his condition. This texting melted away some of the detachment that I had. Made me long for the good old days.

Then thins morning I read a news piece on john gosling, the father from kate plus 8 show. I read some comments about the article and how they said how bad kate treated john. I always seen my parts of my W in kate and how she treated him was similar to how I was treated poorly. Sort of a reality check for me for how the good old days were not so good.

So kind of a down day today.

But I will get back up
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/22/16 11:24 AM
Hey,

Looks like I might have to go out of my way to avoid driving past W street.

I did drive past her street as it is on my way to work and this morning as I have the kids I could see she was not home. This is early in the morning so she was overnight somewhere.

This created anxiety as to where the heff is this all going. Thought of her with another man, thought of I wish she would divorce me before doing that. Thoughts of asking her straight up about it.

I held off did nothing and will drive the long way to work now.

At some point something has to give though. I have pulled right back and she has not come closer. I am not sure if I want her closer in my mind, of course my heart tell of a different story.

DBing is doing what works, for keeping me sane what I have been doing is working great. For having a better R with W it is not.

Maybe having no R is the key. All I know is my life is marginally better. I need to give it more time. I continue to stay away. Do my own thing. Time is going by way to fast right now. By the time I get my boys I can see they have grown.

Again I say that I need to focus on what I need to get done. But I am finding it hard to just get the basics done. To look after the two boys and house. I am slipping a bit with all that.

one day at a time.
Posted By: pinn Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/22/16 01:45 PM
Hey vise... Hang in there. I would avoid driving by her place if I were you. I still avoid going past my in laws but now it is more out of habit than a conscious decision. After my wife moved it, I went no contact for a few months. It took months and months for her to look back in my direction. Time is your friend... Use it.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/25/16 06:50 AM
Hey,

Had the boys for what seemed such a short time before I had to had them over to W.

S7 was sick the first day I had him, baby sitter looked after him he was under the weather, deemed to get better then was still sick. Saturday he was feeling better not 100% so I had them in the morning and we had a jam packed morning driving around to thrift stores where I donated some old stuff and peanut snack food store and ice cream and book stores.

It was drop off time. W notices he is still feeling a little sick and I thought it was all the food we ate. She says, I guess you have plans today, because she wanted to take him to a walk in clinic. I said he is fine, he has been getting better and made it sound like I did have plans. She was working towards asking me to look after S4 as she took S7 to the doctor.

I get a text later saying he has sever tonsillitis. She plays it up saying he was so close to his throat swelling and choking to death.

He was no where near that at that point, I just dropped him off and he seemed like he had a cold. Why would she play it up like that.

I feel terrible. Then I think that she is going to use this against me. I can just hear it: the oh he but him in danger and did not look after him , did not take him to see a doctor. But really there was nothing to suggest to take him to see one, he seemed to get better.

I feel like this is what she was waiting for, for me to make a mistake so she can use it against me.

She tells me on the phone after I talk to S7 that she will put his medicine in my fridge when she drops of the kids. I text her back later after I thought of it, Not to go in my fridge and not to go in my house, Just give it to the baby sitter as that is why she is there.

W did not reply.

I was just thinking that if she is in my house what if she sees something unsafe or that could be used against me. Not that there is but she was so pushy about showing how wrong I was with S7 health it made me think why.

Point being I cant trust her, I am not there when she drops off the kids to the baby sitter and W should not be entering my house. And she has been by accounts from my kids. Then she tells me she is going in my fridge. Its too much.

So I need to hit the reset button. Need to re-plan my plans. I think I am doing good I just need to regroup. I think W can sense I am slipping. I just hope she is not looking to take advantage of it and use it against me.

I need to shake it off and get a firm footing to stand tall again.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/25/16 07:07 AM
V-
There will be ups and downs & probably alot of situations like this with your W for a while with the kids.

Don't get down on yourself as you are doing what you can.

Agree on the trust. Trust has been broken and it won't be repaired for a while if at all for you.

Keep going and focus on you and the kids. Sounds repititive but it will be fine! I am in the same boat and have ups and downs.
Posted By: J5K Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/25/16 07:10 AM
Vise,

Don't read into that too much. I am sure your house is safe. My STBX did the same thing and took pics of my boys with bumps and bruises to try and show neglect. As long as you know your house is safe I would not worry. The WW will try and use it against you but it will not mean much in the overall scheme of things.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/26/16 11:38 AM
Hey,

W has not replied to my request of not entering my house. I guess that is all I can do.

I am now focused on buying the house I am in as I have the first right of refusal and an option to buy it. I realize this is the most important thing right now.

I need to secure this house to be sure I have a place even though I have it in writing.

I have also reached out to one of my sisters. This will give me more much needed support.

Also been working on making the house a home and it is getting there. I have the skills to do it and the transformation is looking good.

I can see now this is my new life.

So that is my plan right now.
Posted By: Fogg Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/26/16 12:16 PM
What about the friend and the racing. Did you explore that any further? A hobby that you really enjoy would be good for you. Maybe try a new meetup for something you would never expect doing, get out of your comfort zone. Just be careful about getting needs met with other woman you might meet. It would be a greater benefit right now to develop new male friendships and learn to be single. You would do well exploring yourself and growing into the new person your beginning to become.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/26/16 12:35 PM
Hey
I did meet with that friend and brought my kids to watch him race the RC trucks.

I still keep in touch with him but he is in another city so meeting up with him is few and far between.

The racing was in my home town and its amazing what the mind remembers after seeing all the old hang outs.

He was giving me social exercises to be more proactive in talking with people. Pushed me to get out and meet my new neighbors for example.

I don't think staying away from women will be a problem, its not like they are knocking down my door right now.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/28/16 12:14 PM
Hey

Found out W ignored my request to not enter my house and told kids that I was silly for asking her to do that. She was in my house and in my fridge as the boys medicine was there and baby sitter knew nothing about it.

So do I drop it or make a deal about it?

I talked to my son and told him its not silly its normal. I don't go into her house with out her there and she should not go in my house with out me being that the house.

The situation between us is getting worse.

She was mad at me because I wouldn't take the kids two night ago at my house to sleep over as she had a doctor appointment.

I said that I would look after the kids during the appointment but not over night. She lost it and started calling me names and unco-operative and thinking of only myself while she was in pain. An hour later she was at soccer and didn't look like she was in pain.

She I think had overnight plans for something else and thought I would jump to help her. I didn't and she spewed all over me.

Also, she is missing a wedding this weekend because I would not take the kids on her day because I have plans that day. She is mad at me because of it. She thinks I should just take the kids with me. She did not talk to me at soccer and did not even say good bye to me.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/28/16 02:23 PM
V-

I do think you need to set some boundaries with her as it seems she steps over any line you draw. Do you think she is doing this for just confrontation sake? Was she one who liked drama in the relationship?

I ask becuz my STBX needed drama/confrontation and looks for it now if possible and spews like yours. If you let this one go (going into your house) then I would ensure you don't let the next one go.

I am reading into this but sounds like you were the typical "nice guy" in the relationship (as was I) and would bend to her plans ? If so ...remind her you are not together anymore ....and that has stopped. There is a new sheriff in town so she chose this path...live with it. I have taken harder stances with my STBX as she tries the same stuff..."hey thought you might want to take D on XX weekend even though its my weekend".....INTERPRETATIOn: I have plans with someone I want to make change your plans for me.

No...and no. Stick with it...your doing well
Posted By: pinn Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/28/16 03:36 PM
Boundary time vise...
Posted By: Sotto Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/28/16 11:25 PM
Hi Vise, if you can legally do so, I would just get the locks changed...it doesn't sound as though she will honour that boundary.

Equally, as others suggested, you could confirm that this is your own place and she is only welcome in it by invitation and when you are there.

Also, if she only has a front key and when you are away - is there an option to leave via the back and bolt the front, so you don't have to change locks but she can't get in?
Posted By: pinn Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/29/16 02:58 AM
Yea vise I like sotto's thoughts... Then you don't even have to say anything about it to her
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 07/29/16 10:33 AM
Hello,

Thanks for the input.

The issue isn't that she goes in the house. Its the fact that after I told her not to she goes in anyway. Its a trust issue now.

What happens is, I have my baby sitter open the house and meet W there for drop off. W has been the one there first and she opens the house and then the baby sitter shows up. I have the key in a lock box.

As you can see from this set up I have very little control. Its an honor system. I cant ask the babysitter to police it for me.

I think I will change the lock box code and only give it to the babysitter.

Yes W is the one that feeds off of drama.

With all this communication with her has been a step back for detaching. I am yearning for her and I had a dream of her last night. I am having thoughts of inviting her over so we can go over some loose ends with the bank account that is still open.

I am also want what some on here said is closure. I want to know if she thinks we are done and then we can just file for D. Not sure if that is what I really want but it keeps crossing my mind.

I assume that this is all normal. I need more time as she still has too much of an effect on me. I am doing good with my contact and not texting, but its so tempting to let loose and go with my feelings.

I also have to watch that I don't try to engage with this battle just so I can have contact with her, even if its bad contact.

I think what would help me (and hurt me) is to know if there is OM in her life. If she has slept with anyone. That would close my heart to her, that would give me closure, that would give me a new BD but maybe from there my heart could start healing. because I seen her car was not there this morning, I thought I could handle it but clearly not. Maybe the long way avoiding her street is really the best way.

One day at a time.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/02/16 10:44 AM
Hey,

Had the boys for most of the weekend. Was a really good time, Took them to an out of town festival that I have never been to. Seems to make sense to start doing new things with them.

Also bought a metal detector and we used it at the beach. Oldest was very interested even though we kept of finding rusty nails, I guess form burnt up skids.

Had some communication with W She wanted me and S7 to pick up a gift for the party he is going to with W and she wont have time to pick one out with him. I replied after, I was going to say no, I said yes but if she could pay me back as I had to buy the last two gifts for other kids. She agreed.

Then later she wanted to clear up some bills, and asked if I would pay for one of the snow suites that she bought the kids. Again I was tempted to tell her just take it out of the $450 I pay you monthly, but then realized it was only a once in a year purchase, so I agreed.

I don't know if this is being a push over or too nice or just me avoiding conflict.

Then there was another text, this one through me for a loop, she asks me if I need a mattress for the kids , I ask who has it. She says she is buying a new one. Last time she bought a new mattress was with me not long after she moved in. This got me spinning a bit. I composed and delete about three texts that were focused on getting info about a potential OM.

Then I just asked her why the new mattress?, she texted back the old one she was using from the spare bedroom is thirty years old.

I just leave it at that.

I was just worried that is her way of telling me there is OM. I think I was over analyzing it.

I am torn, part of me wanted to say no and take nothing from her, but I do need one for S7 but if its not good enough for her why would she think of giving it to one of her Sons? And part of me wanted to say yes, as I will have to pick it up this will get me in her house and I can try to just see where she is at with being ok with me there.

I am worried I will fall on my face here. I am worried that I am taking this interaction too positively. That she is coming closer so I will come closer to her as well. Cautiously. As this could just be a way to get rid of something she no longer wants and she is using me to get rid of it. That I still mean nothing to her and her life goes on.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/04/16 08:19 AM
Hey

Sort of a down time now.

S7 had soccer, W was there. She did not say hello to me. She was on her phone for a bit. I was with S4 and when S7 was off the field I would play with S4. When watching the game W said nothing to me and I said nothing to her. She talked to the coach more then me.

The contact is way down now with physical separation. I get no emails now, no texts. or very few.

It used to be a daily routine for her to send an email but if you look back in my posts here it was mostly kid logistics.

I drove by her street as I was late for work and her car was not there. Don't know where she is sleeping. But it gets easier to see that. I see it as a sign she has move on.

I am still having a hard time with still being married on paper and moving forward. I think she lets it be like that just so her benefits continue from my work. Mind reading I bet she thinks she is single, and we are done.

With out hearing it from her mouth my mind thinks there is hope. But she did say it many months ago that she is done, and her actions show that she is done. but I still feel like I need to talk about it with her. Are we done? do you see us getting back together? Why have you not filed for divorce? Are you dating (sleeping with OM) Is there someone else?

Seems like I am just holding on until I know. I need proof. I need to see this. I was thinking of taking next Thursday off work so I can see where she goes, to get proof.

We did not have any talk about dating other people. The last time it was mentioned was a year ago when the MC said not to. No discussion about what was happening after we signed the separation agreement. DBing tells me no R talks so I avoided it at all costs.

Do I pursue now ? was thinking of asking her if she wants to go out for dinner with the boys, and see if there is anything signs of interest from her end. Or do I wait more. continue to work on me. I find it hard to move forward with my one foot still in this MR. This piece of paper still hold a lot of meaning for me. I am legally married and still feel like I am morally. I do not consider myself single right now.

Or do I wait more, enduring this pain of not knowing for sure where her head is at with me.
Posted By: Fogg Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/04/16 12:44 PM
Hard questions vise, not sure what to say to all of them. I don't think following her would be a good at all. With the emotional state you're in it could snowball into something you would regret. You won't learn anything specific, there will always be doubt of what you think you seen. You're still focusing so much on her instead of what you could be doing for you.

In her mind she is single, the paperwork means nothing and it's very likely she is pursuing or with someone. At the very least shes living up the single lifestyle. I know because my ex did and said the same things. She only pushed to file for D once I confronted her on om2, who she's now engaged to before our D is even final. You know from past situations she craves that new relationship feeling. She told you she was done so you have to accept that for what it is right now.

As for the being in limbo, I get it, it [censored] [censored]. It will only get better when YOU DECIDE you are going to make changes for you and enjoy the life for what it is right now. There is so much potential growth in that suck also, don't misuse it. All that you should be doing you can be doing separate from her and her actions. Don't worry about women right now or needing to be with someone either, that's a big trap that will end up causing you more pain, there is time for that when your not so attached to W. Let go of W and find yourself. The rest will come out with time.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/04/16 05:33 PM
You are in a tough spot and agree with Fogg

But I also know that sometimes you need closure. Either closure that things are done with you both or some sort of closure of finding out what she is doing.

The alternative is what Fogg said and not give a damn and do YOUR thing. But I am with you as maybe limbo doesn't work for you either.

I did some snooping during my ordeal and came up with tons of clues and accusations of a PA which was denied. I came close to hiring a PI and in retrospect wish I did even after she filed for D to my mind and health.

So do what you think will also give you the closure you need to move onto other things and give you peace of mind.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/05/16 12:18 PM
Hey Fogg, rich4j,

I get what you are saying about she thinks she is single. Its just my heart does not want to believe it. I get that she has moved on but my heart does not believe it. And some where deep inside me I know she must have been with another man by now, but my heart does not want to believe it.

It our ten year anniversary this year. Such a momentous occasion that will be overshadowed by hart break and despair.

My S$ was giving me hi fives last night and on the tenth one he asked where my ring was. I ask him what he said. He repeated where is your ring, don't you get one when you are married.

I did not answer him.

Is the answer there though, right in my face, I am not married, thus I do not have my ring?

But I am married (well separated) and my ring is at home in a drawer.

I had no answer for him. What can I say to a four year old.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/05/16 01:03 PM
V

That stinks and my D7 asked me a while ago where my ring was...I said I don't wear it all the time and it hurt me to lie.

I am with you on the 10th A. I had mine last year and she was half there...should have seen those signs.

Has she really moved on? Maybe but I would say as much as you don't want to hear it you have to believe she has for now. And your heart probably won't beleieve it for some time. My STBX was balling the other night as I packed stuff up and said this is so hard and I sat there going "WTF".....you started this....you nut.....(in my head).....and it hurt. But I know for now i have to move on and go find a happier place.

Find your happier place. It aint easy ....it will take time.
Posted By: Fogg Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/05/16 06:44 PM
Ex left me right before our 10th also, it was a rough time knowing she was fooling around with om1. Om2 was around the next year on what would have been our 11th. What keeps you holding in isn't just your heart but attachment and fear also. The future is full of unknown and that scares the [censored] out of any of us. Don't fear it, it's not as bad as you think it will be, in fact it's nearly the opposite.

I know how horrible this all is vise, but things will work out for you. Keep growing who you are and discovering that person you were always meant to be.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/10/16 11:46 AM
Hey rich4j and Fogg,

Thanks for checking in.

Things have been going ok. I had a good visit with my sister. She understood my hesitation to get back into the whole family thing and I am only contacting a few right now. That's all I think I can handle right now.

I am going forward with buying the house and its stressful.

My W now knows that I have contacted my old guy friend and he and I went out metal detecting, a new GAL for me.
He met me at my kids soccer and she saw him there. Feels good not to hide it. I can talk to who I want now. He was shocked we still go to kids soccer at the same time. He did not want to be there with her there.

I am cutting my expenses as I am finding money tight as I settle in at the new place. Going to put a budget in place. This is just the growing pains of starting out again.

So one day at a time.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/10/16 12:16 PM
V-

The stress of buying a house and moving is at the top of the stress list.

Buying and "replenishing" your household is a costly adventure as I am going thru it now. It also is a lonely , sad event unless you get some friends engaged so I would highly recommend it.

I have a friend who has an eye for design who is going to help "un guy" my new place..she has the design eye as well as one of my relatives.

It will be strange and potentialy really hard at first. I had a good few cries but then felt a bit of freedom. Glad my dog was with me and some friends came by to see and help.

Good luck with the house!
Posted By: RAI Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/10/16 09:28 PM
Vise,

I am so glad that you finally have reconnected with family. I don't know how I would survive without family. For you, it has been a tremendous untapped resource. Life is too short and missing out on being with family could have been a major regret. I hope that they can give you the emotional support you need.

RAI
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/12/16 12:31 PM
Hey rich4j & RAI

I have calmed down with the spending I checked the numbers and it was because of all the expense of starting over. I should be ok.

more later.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/15/16 06:56 AM
Hey,

W asked me to look after the boys on her two days. this is getting to be a trend now. I couldn't as I had plans the sunday and the Monday I work. She wanted me to take a vacation day to look after them.

I said no I have to work. She told me to never ask her or her parents for help. I told her not to be a baby, If I could look after them I would (I am taking her next sat to look after the boys for her).

I also asked for her written permission to let the boys see there new cousin as per our S agreement. She has ignored the request.

I also told her I can not trust her as she hid the fact that my brother had a baby form me. She said she did not tell me because we were S. As if that makes it right?

I also picked up mouth guards from the dentist for the kids. I thought it would be ok if I paid for one and for the other one I used the joint account that was still open and she has been using.

I let W know what I did, saves having to collect money from her. She tells me she is going to get my name off the account and that we don't need a joint account.

I tell her as per the S agreement that it should have been closed and money left divided in half. But because shes been using that account for her bills the money that we are getting for children benefits has been mixed in with her money and house money when we were living together and has made a mess of it. I have not received any of it.

Basically I told her all this and it was good to get it off my chest. She is going to use that account now and will take my name off of it and I was ok with that.

Its just with so little communication this stuff builds up and then it needs to be talked about.

Also had the kids tell me W told them they are going to visit W guy friend and he has a teenage son and they will get to ride dirt bikes with him.

I asked kids the guys name. They did not know it. So it looks like she is dating and has got serious enough for her to let him meet the kids. She has not told me about this guy. Its the guy from my W best friends wedding, the best man. He is over 10 years older then her. This is the first guy that was available to her, short of the unavailable gay neighbor.

At first I was mad about finding out this way. But I have not confronted W about it. It is not 100 % yet. I thought it would devastate me but it did not, It has just helped me detach. I want her even less now and all the work I have been doing to detach was worth it. She has been asking me to look after the kids for her days more now and I know why, its to be with him more.

It all makes sense now. I am afraid her heart is for OM now and I feel like there is nothing for me here. I feel like I have nothing to fight for. I have accepted it. She has no interest in me and I have no interest in someone that is has no interest in me.

I feel like there is nothing I can do to change her mind, I just need to focus on me and my boys. Keep out of her way. Don't bend to help her if It is not good for me. My confidence has been good, I look the best I have in years. I am more knowledgeable about R then I have ever been. I have changed. When the time comes I know there is an awesome girl out there for me. Fukc her for dragging me down, I am better then this, I deserve better then this. She is going to look back and question why she ever left me. I am the catch. I am the guy only a fool would leave.

She has done no work on herself. She is the same and I feel for the poor guy that is with her. Her idea of change is a mommy make over. That is her focus right now. She does not get it. I loved her completely including all her flaws, including the physical flaws. One day she will realize what she has done to they family she had, the chance she lost at making it right.

I have waited for her for over a year. I am just not waiting anymore. I am worth more that that.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/15/16 06:42 PM
V-
Sorry to hear as I know its upsetting. But...maybe don't read into things too much about the OM. And if there truly is another OM, you are right....you deserve better. When I first suspected an EA/PA, I almost vomited. It made me sick and angry. She never came clean and still hasn't but I know what happened and one of the key things in a relationship is trust...without it...things fall apart. I became indifferent and disgusted actually..the guy is a dork :-)

Your WAW has broken that trust. And if it is true I would be mad too. But you will find out the truth whether today or tomorrow or whenever and it will hurt ...but you will get past it.

Continue to stand up for yoruself. If she continues to try to break the agreement with taking care of your children, document it and move on. OR take advantage of spending more time with the kids, snatch that time up, and don't look back! My STBX before our custody agreement spent more time worrying about her GAL'ing than our D7.......it is starting to show up now in how my daughter is perceving things....strangely enough! They know...they are smarter than we think!

Some wake up...it seems from reading thru all these stories. Some don't....
If your WAW doesn't it is her loss.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/16/16 10:01 AM
Hey

I am here on this site and I don't know what to post about.

I had an MRI of my brain yesterday. I have been getting head aches. When I told W about it a month ago she was very supportive and said she would help if I needed anything. Well she did not ask how it went. Not text, no message, I just did it alone.

I still need to work on having the confidence to follow through with social things. I was paying for parking at the hospital and a nice looking woman was next to pay and I thought of paying for her parking as well. I did not follow through. I just kept it as an idea and did not convert it to action. The more I am aware of doing this I am sure it will be an action one of these times.

It was ok. I held it together but during the 20 min scan I was almost crying as it brings up fears of finding something. Of facing death. I was having thoughts of my brain exploding during the test. Tears welling up and dripping off the side of my face as I lay there motionless. Then I thought of the story my sister told me of my nephew. He was in a dark place and tried to take his life. He got better and she showed me a picture, tattooed on his wrists inhale and exhale.

So that is what I did to get through the scan as the bad thoughts came. Exhale and inhale. Simple. It worked.

The thoughts that something might be wrong with me are so overwhelmingly sad for me. I take it personally like I am a failure, and that I am defective. That I could leave my two boys with out a Dad. Inhale and exhale breaks up those thoughts.

On the way home I messaged my friend as he lives near the hospital and I visited with him for a bit. As I was driving to his house I was driving past all the places W and I went to as we were dating as we lived in that area together. Like the pizza place and video rental and variety stores and Chinese food restaurant. All places we visited. We were so much in love then. And just as I drove past them so did the memories flash in my mind. It was a different time then. I was so green to it all. So much grit then. So naive.

Had a good visit, he was telling me of his girlfriends family and son and the pressure to be married and to be moving in together. It was nice to take my mind off of the MRI.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/16/16 06:58 PM
Its times like those where your WAW would be there that it brings up the memories. Had the same thing with a heart scan a few weeks ago...it [censored].
But talked to a friend today who told me his buddy with 4 kids just has been going thru a brutal divorce too. His wife picked up and left town and moved about 6 hours away...lots of baggage but how do you leave your kids?

Well...long story but he met a girl with 4 kids and he is happier than ever....took a while but he isn't looking back and loves life with the family of 8!

So....it will be hard and your going thru alot of what we all are with the ups and downs of the loneliness. I have it probably every few weeks but you will get thru it. Just keep the boys as your focus and yourself to get into a happy place.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/17/16 09:04 AM
Hey,

W asked me to take kids to soccer last night. She had a doctors appointment. She met up with us later at soccer. Says nothing to me at soccer, not even good bye after I said it to her.

I text her later after soccer and she took the kids to her house. She tells me her kidneys are infected and they are to do more test. I offer encouragement. Tell her about my MRI and that if I don't hear back from the doctor things are OK. She replies back with; good.

I left it at that, a one word response from her.

I just watched a movie before going to bed. It was Robin Williams and he was having headaches, he gets an MRI and find out he has 90 min to live. It is a dark comedy. I randomly picked it. Needless to say I could relate to the story line as I watched it. Its just a movie. I did laugh at parts. Best not to hide from it I guess.

My W used to get infections like this a lot from having sex. Could be from anything but she tells me they started up again two months ago. That the same time we both moved to separate places. Just another indicator that she possibly had sex with OM. I mean that is quite the consequence for her if its is how she got sick. Who knows, I am just observing.
Posted By: RAI Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/17/16 09:50 AM
Quote:
I feel like there is nothing I can do to change her mind, I just need to focus on me and my boys. Keep out of her way. Don't bend to help her if It is not good for me. My confidence has been good, I look the best I have in years. I am more knowledgeable about R then I have ever been. I have changed. When the time comes I know there is an awesome girl out there for me. Fukc her for dragging me down, I am better then this, I deserve better then this. She is going to look back and question why she ever left me. I am the catch. I am the guy only a fool would leave.
you should print this and put in on your nightstand - look at it daily.
my $.02 only, but it may help you to stop speculating on what your W is doing.
Quote:
My W used to get infections like this a lot from having sex. Could be from anything but she tells me they started up again two months ago. That the same time we both moved to separate places. Just another indicator that she possibly had sex with OM. I mean that is quite the consequence for her if its is how she got sick. Who knows, I am just observing.
This ^^^ is all conjecture. Does any of it really matter? does any of it affect you? I know you are "just observing" but I think it distracts you from focusing on your real objectives (see the first quote)

I hope the MRI is normal and that you can go back to being the kicka** DBer that you have become.

RAI
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/18/16 05:43 AM
Hey,

Had a ok day.

My sister was texting me which is good to keep in contact with her.

W texted me saying she might not go to soccer, she was no feeling good as the new medication is making her tired. I just said ok I will let kids know that if they ask.

I picked up kids from a home daycare that they are going to since baby sitter is on vacation. Feed them and bring them to soccer. W shows up late. and instead of sitting where me and S4 were she sits by herself at the end of the field. I check my phone and she sent a text saying she was now going to be at soccer. I didn't notice the text till she was there.

At first it made me mad that she does not sit with us but I fried no to let it bother me. S4 goes over to her to say hello and hugs her. He eventually comes back to me to sit on me and he smell like her. She must have put on a lot of perfume. This back and forth went on for a while.

Then before the game is over she gets up to leave comes over and says she need to go to another city to pick up medication. So I say bye as do the kids.

I cant tell if she is lying but she is on medication and saying she tied from taking it, shows up at soccer all done up ready to go somewhere and then leaves to pick up more medication that she cant get here? And to leave in the middle of a soccer game. S7 scored another goal but she was not there.

I know I should not give a shiet but its that it stinks of lies and I don't want to be lied to.

This morning I drive the kids to the home daycare. I have to drive past W street and kids see if she is home, she is not, kids cant figure out why. Its too early for her to be at work they say. I just told them they are going to have to ask her as I have no idea where she would be.

I think my point is I would prefer her just telling the truth that she is dating OM and stop lying to me. I don't know if this is something I tell her or let her continue with the lies.
Posted By: SH_ Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/18/16 06:12 AM
If she is lying to you, what does her telling you the truth change for you?
She has already fired you as her h and moved out.
IMO, be careful what you ask for.
Truth is not necassarily less painful.
Stay in your lane
Stay focused on you.
Just my 2c
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/18/16 12:10 PM
Hey SH_

If she is lying to me how do I know if she really needs me to look after the kids for her because of the reason she gives or is it because she has plans with OM. She has told me she is sick. Doesn't look sick, but that is going to be her no 1 reason for me to cover for her days when needed.

I have been taking to my family now, just my sister and brother. I have also seen my brothers new baby. W had put in the S agreement that I need her permission before kids can visit any of my family. She said its in there or we go to court. So its in there.

So I found out that W was not telling me about the new baby for months. I want my kids to visit the new baby so I have asked her via email for the ok. She is ignoring the requests.

She did not even reply, she sent other emails about other kids sport stuff.

I have asked twice now.

This is a terrible situation to be in. If she does not give me the permission I will have to contact my lawyer.

This is also going to put a strain on everything else. What does she expect me to do, she isolates me in marriage from my family then she expects me to stay isolated from them after she removes herself from my life?

I guess I will just have to ask everyday till she responds.

I have not even told the boys about their new cousin yet.

I thought she would have no issue with it.

What a mess.
Posted By: RAI Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/18/16 02:09 PM
Quote:
I have been taking to my family now, just my sister and brother. I have also seen my brothers new baby. W had put in the S agreement that I need her permission before kids can visit any of my family. She said its in there or we go to court. So its in there.
Is there a reason why your kids cannot visit your family? My Ws family has been behaving egregiously and my kids are still exposed to them.

RAI
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/20/16 07:38 PM
Hey,

from Ws mouth, she is worried that the negative opinion my family has of her will be brought to light to our kids.

This was her number one fear when she wanted to seperate. This was the number one issue that she would take me to court over in the S agreement.

From my perspective now that I dont have the love fog, she has treated me bad, she doesnt want anyone to tell our kids the truth about it.

From the early days my family has not treated her well in her eyes, they thought she was a snob and that I could do way better.

this treatment of her has caused problems in our MR so we moved away from them to save our MR. In the end I can see it was not them it was her. THey were not a factor for three years as we had no contact with them. Still the MR tanked.

My parrents are a different story and I want not cantact with them. But my brothers and sisters I have started to talk to a couple of them (big family).

How W can refuse our kids from visiting a new baby is unforgivable at this point.

I was on board with putting in the S areement about getting W permition first before the kids can see my family to prevent going to court.

Durring kid exchange I asked her about it and she says she needs time to think about it. SHe says nothing has changed. I said everything has changed. I asked her not not take too long thinking about it. then I left.

The longer it takes her, the worse it will look for her. I have not told the kids but at some point they will find out.

I see it as she cant say no. Its my family not hers anymore, let me live my life. If it goes to court no judge is going to side with her on this. It is life restricting for me. If I have my kids I cannot visit with my brother or sister.

All so W can save face infront of our kids? Really she needs to grow up.

She is out tonight doing the wine tour we did last year with a limo and her family. So happy to not be part of it this year.So happy to spend the time with my boys.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/22/16 08:01 AM
Hey,

Had a really good time with the kids. I think I over did it as they were asking to just go home and relax.

Took them swimming, to a dairy for ice cream, to a petting farm, to a skate park, and finally on a bike ride.

The next day we stayed in till noon for the kid exchange.

W as in and out of her house as I dropped kids off. I had to wait for her to come out before I said good bye and left.

Then a couple of hours later she sends a text asking if we are going to do a birthday party for S4. Sent it twice.

I have not responded. I don't know what to say.

Is this bread crumbs, temp checking?

How should I respond?

I was thinking of not doing a birthday party together. We have not done anything together since we when out for her birthday dinner in June.

So my reply was going to be we have not done anything as a family since we physically split houses why would that change for S4 birthday?

Also I think Its for myself, I have done some work to detach and I think having this party together would unravel all that work.

Also a couple of hours later she asks if I would give up one of my days and two nights with the kids so that W dad could take the kids for a camping weekend. W will be out of town that weekend and I was to cover her day.

I am having trouble knowing what to do. Its easier for me to follow the rule book, S agreement. It feels way easier and I don't feel like I am getting taken advantage of and I avoid conflict if I say no.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/22/16 08:46 AM
V-

Going thru some of the same issues...crazy.

Birthday party- I sucked it up and we did it together. We both pitched in to help and manage the chaos. I did this for my daughter...not me. Now she is abit older but I would view this as taking one for the team. IF you can do it, be there just for your son, and not try to engage in anythign else with your W, then do it. Hard decision...but keep their happiness in mind If you think you will unravel all your work, figure out how you can make S4 happy with doing something too for his birthday maybe just with you guys.

I am also having to text/deal with my STBX more than I want to with custody already. And its month 1 formally. I am sticking to the plan.....I will actually say YES to her if/when I can to have more time with my daughter. And if in your spot, would ask to get those nights /days back to spend with the kids rather than just cave.....
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/22/16 09:06 AM
Hey,

Thanks for the quick response rich4j.

I really don't want to respond at all, I want to hide in a hole , run away avoid this at all costs. I want to follow the rules, keep it the way the S agreement is. If birthdays fall on my day then I have a birth day party with them. If not I have a party my day before his birthday.

I am getting worked up about this, its stressing me out. Even the grandparents thing is. I just don't want to deal with it.

This is adding stress to my life right now. I just want my kids when I get them, stop asking me to change things. UHG

Maybe I should just ask what she has in mind for a party.
Maybe I should ask for that time back that they will be with her Dad.
Posted By: roist Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/22/16 12:10 PM
I think you answered your own question. Here
is my opinion

Don't do one together. Then let dates decide who does it.

Tell her that her dad should organise his time with kid when she has them. Otherwise it is your time. You can make an exception this time provided you get the time back.

This is not about being an ass nor even about not being a doormat, though that is important. This! Is about you doing what you want and respecting yourself and your rights.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/24/16 04:58 AM
Hey,

I have let this last few texts about the birthday and grandparents time with kids really affect me. I have been really down and spinning a bit. I feel like if I answer it is some sort of finality to it. Also W still has not given me a yes or no about letting boys visit with my side of the family.

It feels like I am choosing sides. but really with W waling away she has chose it for me. Also with her not letting my boys see my side of the family feels like she is still controlling me. It has nothing to do with her life why is she not saying yes. I did agree at the time with her on this but I have changed my mind now. At least for some of my family. This severely restricts my life as if I have my boys then I can visit my family.


I have not responded yet to her request and was thinking of not responding until she give me the legal ok for family visits.

We were both at soccer last night, I said hello and then there was nothing the whole game until it was over then I said my good byes to kids and W.

Get home and she texts me to email some kid details to a care provider. No mention of the past emails.

I think I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to do joint birthday party and that her dad needs to schedule days with the kids on W days. With they way they asked I would only see the kids one day in 10 days that week.

Now its just a matter of when to communicate this with W.
I was waiting for her to ask again, but she has not yet.

She also texted me this morning about school stuff for the kids, she asked me to go shopping with the kids and she can just pay me back her percentage.

Not sure why she is asking me unless it because I have the kids Sat. Also she is the shopper out of both of us. But now I will have to ask about that, I don't have a list of what they need.

I have been feeling the need to let go. To move forward. its not even about trying to save the MR anymore, its about saving me.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/24/16 05:57 AM
Originally Posted By: vise82

I have been feeling the need to let go. To move forward. its not even about trying to save the MR anymore, its about saving me.


I think you answered your own questions with the above. If you are struggling with the interactions then you have to do what you feel YOU need to in order to detach or maybe that is not the right word....distance yourself from her

Earlier on with these forums I could not understand how not interacting and engaging with the WAH/WAW would make sense. As its counter intuitive to your being. But....when the ice is still frozen around their hearts....there is no melting it per se. So just skate away for now.

its tough. especially with kids and having to constantly interact. I just had a blow up about one last week of camp with STBX where I went from totaly missing her to again wanting nothing to do with her. It brought up all the reasons why we have both had issues with each other. Wound back open

To Keep healing I think you know what you need to do. Best...
Posted By: RAI Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/24/16 02:35 PM
Hey Vise,

I am here to help you work through this because I too struggle at every interaction with my W. The first thing I would do is read "The star is inside of YOU! " by ericmsant2 - every day. I love this post and have recommended numerous times. I may have already recommended it to you (Sorry if I am repetitious). It seems like a lot of your anxiety is related to fear. Fear of the consequences of your actions. Fear of how you will be perceived. Fear of making the wrong decision. Our Ws have hurt us and we fear they can hurt us again. Do you think your W agonizes over every text she sends you? Cut yourself some slack. You are allowed to make decisions and you are allowed to make mistakes. Get over your own guilt and insecurities as much as you can. How many of your fears actually materialized?
Quote:
Now its just a matter of when to communicate this with W.
What difference does it make. Just send your reply. Be quick and decisive. You are going to have frequent communications with your W - unfortunately - because of the kids. Deep down, you know what you want, you know what your bests interests are, and you know what is in the best interests of the children. Don't second guess yourself. Mulling over the texts and letting them affect you impedes your detachment. You are no longer in the same home. Court orders are in place. What can your W do to you? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid that she won't like you or that she'll think you are a pr**k? What difference does it make? Her opinion of you no longer matters. Are you afraid she will poison your children against you? She can try, but it won't work if you are the best dad in the world. It seems like you and I have a lot of the same fears. They are holding us back.

If you want to elaborate on your fears, with the intent of dissecting them and disposing of them, perhaps we can delve a little further. It may be therapeutic for both of us. You sound like a really nice guy. I think we have to stop being so nice.

Thoughts?

RAI
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/25/16 09:04 AM
Hey RAI,

Yes I am frozen with fear I think. Like you said I seem to know what I want. I have been waiting for W to ask again but she has not even mentioned it again.

I think at the start of BD one of my first moves was to not go to her parents house for Sunday dinners, it started with a Sunday that her parents were having a birthday party for S4. We as a family already gave gifts and had a party for him. We also organized a party for him and his friends. This was a party that W parents wanted to have for him. It hit W very hard, she took off her rings that night (they were back on after that night). I hurt her and I could see her pain as it turned to anger toward me. She turned it into me not going to my sons birthday party to everyone else making me look bad not mentioning to them that it was his third birthday party that week.

Yea I am taking my time also because she has not given me an answer for giving me the OK to let my boys visit with my family. Something that I thought she would give right away if I wanted it.

I have been playing in my head how it would play out if I was to use what She wants to get what I want.

The most recent is she is asking me if we should sign them up for cub scouts but the day they have to go is her day with them but she will be at work late and has a babysitter looking after them until she gets home. It turns into a logistics puzzle for me to pick them up from her place from the babysitter then drop them off at her house after. It would mean more interaction with W, more coordination, I would hardly see the boys except for in car transport and it makes it hard for them to see me for such a short time then I am gone until its my turn with them again.

I want to tell W that we are not doing anything together with the kids for his birthday but part of me thinks why cant we just go out for dinner together? Oh that's right She doesn't want me as her husband, we don't do stuff together anymore. We did go out as a family for her birthday initiated by me. Then she never reciprocated back the whole summer as I did sat dark to her after that dinner.

I thin I am also reading way to much into this. I am thinking like this is her wanting to come back. I am sure it is not. but as you can see it has shook me. I was not expecting it.

The thought of her coming back scares me. Part of me know how bad I was treated and know I should be keeping my distance. Part of me is scared if she did come back I would not be strong enough to fight for me and what I want to protect myself.

Part of me wants to hold onto this idea that she want to come back. By not responding that is still alive and it makes me feel good also even though its pure mind reading. But I must reply, stand up for me, face the reality that we are still separated.

I am all over the place with this. Up and down and sideways. Like I said before I am spinning. I though I was heading to being ok to move on but another part of me pulls at me to keep some sort of R with W. The bonds she has on me are strong and very hard to break.
Posted By: RAI Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/25/16 11:50 AM
Quote:
Yea I am taking my time also because she has not given me an answer for giving me the OK to let my boys visit with my family. Something that I thought she would give right away if I wanted it.
what does one have to do with the other? Are you using your reply as a bargaining chip? I don't recommend setting that precedent. You need to separate the two completely unrelated issues, decide what you want to do, and reply. You also need a firm answer from W about the children contacting your family. You should really push for this. You don't want to deprive them of their family.
Quote:
I have been playing in my head how it would play out if I was to use what She wants to get what I want.
Is this the kind of person you want to be? Keep your eye on the prize: what is in the best interest of your children.
Quote:
The most recent is she is asking me if we should sign them up for cub scouts but the day they have to go is her day with them but she will be at work late and has a babysitter looking after them until she gets home. It turns into a logistics puzzle for me to pick them up from her place from the babysitter then drop them off at her house after. It would mean more interaction with W, more coordination, I would hardly see the boys except for in car transport and it makes it hard for them to see me for such a short time then I am gone until its my turn with them again.
"but the day they have to go is her day with them". So how is this your business? Why are you trying to jump through hoops on a day they are with her?
Quote:
I want to tell W that we are not doing anything together with the kids for his birthday but part of me thinks why cant we just go out for dinner together? Oh that's right She doesn't want me as her husband, we don't do stuff together anymore. We did go out as a family for her birthday initiated by me. Then she never reciprocated back the whole summer as I did sat dark to her after that dinner.

I thin I am also reading way to much into this. I am thinking like this is her wanting to come back. I am sure it is not. but as you can see it has shook me. I was not expecting it.
I am still in In-house separation. It is not helpful to pretend my W and I are still together. It gives the children false hope and is dishonest. Also, the children can sense the tension. Your W wants to pretend that everything is normal. *mind-reading alert* This is probably to allay her own guilt at disrupting the family unit. But the reality is that the family was disrupted. There is no denying it anymore. Or, in your words:
Quote:
But I must reply, stand up for me, face the reality that we are still separated.
Sounds like you know what's what.

RAI
Posted By: lt0402 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/25/16 01:07 PM
Originally Posted By: vise82
Part of me wants to hold onto this idea that she want to come back. By not responding that is still alive and it makes me feel good also even though its pure mind reading. But I must reply, stand up for me, face the reality that we are still separated.

I am all over the place with this. Up and down and sideways. Like I said before I am spinning. I though I was heading to being ok to move on but another part of me pulls at me to keep some sort of R with W. The bonds she has on me are strong and very hard to break.


Vise, I know where you're coming from here. I also find myself concerned that one minor slip-up w/ a text reply will bring the whole house crashing down. I think you're getting some good advice from folks here though, that our MR doesn't hang on each and every interaction w/ the W though. RAI was spot on w/ being quick and decisive w/ your responses. No need to drag something out bc you don't want to address it. At some point it will need to be addressed.

I'm learning these lessons as well as I grind along. This is uncharted territory for all of us and it's natural for the fear to be there. Others seem to have conquered that fear which gives me the hope we can as well.

As silly as it sounds, we're all in this together, though we're all in different spots w/ it. Keep working for you and your kids and everything will be good! Here for you brother, keep it up!
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/29/16 10:10 AM
Hey,

Had a up and down weekend. Sat was soccer tournament for both boys, W ended up showing up and spent the day with us. It was not fun. She did not say a word to me, was on her phone most of the time. There was no interaction at all. No conversation, no moments, no looks, no smiles.

I have to say I am ready to move on. I am emotionally not connected to her as much as I think I was. I do not want her anymore. She had no effect on me and it just makes sense to move on.

I am not going to fear her now. I feel nothing for her. I want someone in my life that wants to be there. I have dropped the rope. I am going to push ahead now and not look back. Her loss.

There is no anger right now, there is nothing.

My love bank for her is empty and it took spending 8 hours with her with my boys at a soccer tournament to get to this point.

I don't know how I will feel later but for the past few days it is. This is the way I want it. It feels right. She is not worth it.

I know I have something better for me and to open the door to that I need to close this one. So its closed. I don't think I need to file for D. That is just a piece of paper and when the time comes when I need to file I will.

I want to put in the effort in improving my life and that includes having her out of it. Out of my thoughts, out of my choices, out of my priorities.

People talk about there is a moment where a switch is flipped and that has happened to me.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/29/16 06:51 PM
V-

Glad you have gotten to the point you feel you can close the door and not care about it for now.

It happens. I go up and down too but havent dropped the rope yet. Felt like it today as she picked up the dog and all I cared about was my D7 hanging out the window giving me a kiss...didn't even notice my STBX. She was glaring at me when i looked over like "don't you see me". And when she left I got back to putting more stuff together in the house and didn't miss a beat....

Hopefully this works for you and its time to move on. Agree divorce is just a piece of paper and pain in the wallet for the most part...plus some stress

If you can keep a logical relationship with your WAW for the kids, not feel a thing anymore, and can move on you are on a great path...hope it continues!
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 08/31/16 06:21 AM
Hey rich4j,

This new way of feeling for me seems to be holding. I have been able to look at what we have left like a business transaction. Some reason she has been holding off in giving me amounts for what I owe for kids bills so I asked her so send me a list. I am going to make up a list also and then we can just see what is left after cancelling out what each other owes.

This along with the start of the new school year has increased the communication. I am going to her place tonight to pick up a mattress for S7. In her replies to set a time up she keeps including her plans as for why certain times wont work. Too much info if you ask me. I don't want to know what she is up to.

I have been moving forward with the purchase of the house I am renting. I also had my babysitter quit as she no longer has access to a vehicle to get to my place in the mornings. So I asked my work if I could start the day 1.5 hours later to allow me the time to drop kids off at school in the morning. They said it should not be a problem. If that is OK it will save me some money. Plus it will give me more time with my boys.

Have a visit planned with my sister this weekend, going to try rock climbing. Also my friend has asked for us to set up a regular guys night.

Looks like S4 might be doing indoor soccer this winter. I imagine I will be too. So trying to keep up the GAL. I hope I can stay in this good place I am in right now.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 09/01/16 10:10 AM
Hey

Had the kids last night and also went over to W house to pick up a mattress for S7. So I got to see inside her house the 2nd floor her room. Just acted like I would if I bought something off of a classified for sale ad. Was in and out. On the way out the driveway is on a hill and my vehicle ran out of gas. It was embarrassing. Money has been tight for me and I was not putting in as much fuel as I used to.

Also at this time her neighbor comes out to walk the dog. He is a bodybuilder, W and him exchange hellos. This got to me. I put my vehicle in neutral and rolled out of her driveway onto the street trying to start the engine, finally after 5 tries it starts and I was out of there.

On the way to the gas station and the kids with me I thought to myself all she is to me is an old sweater, one that doesn't fit me anymore, is not comfortable anymore, I don't like the color and I don't wear anymore. Not needed.

She is an old sweater to me now.

Spent the rest of the night setting up the boys rooms moving their furniture around they best way they liked. Then put them to bed. I think they really liked the attention I was giving to there rooms. I tell them this is their space and its a place they can go to just be by themselves and relax and be alone if they want. A place to feel safe that is all their own.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 09/02/16 07:46 PM
Had a good day with the kids. Stayed home as money is tight.

Have kid drop off tomorrow. W texts me about money and about if I could register S4 for a winter indoor soccer. I message back that I cant do anything till I get paid next week.

I have all my money tied up into buying the house I am living in right now. Its been streasfull as I work out all the details and making sure I have the money to do it.

W texts me about S4 birthday and if we were going to give him one for all his school friends.

I replie back really?? No
She texts back: so you think just because we are not together that he misses out on a birthday party?
I reply There is more to it then that but I think you answered your own question.

Then she text back that we could just have it at a kids indoor playground and split the cost.

There it is right there, the split the cost, the only reeason she would be asking. I have not replied back.

It did hurt a little to read that we are not together from her. First time I have seen it in back and white like that from her.
But it is the truth.

I am holding strong on this. I need to make sure I am ok before I can look after my kids. so i can be there for them. He is getting a party from me and his brother. W side of the family will give him a party too. Her guilt tripping does not change what is. I will not plan a party with her. I cant. not interested. It would set me so far back. I need to move forward with out her. and live the sepreate life she so wanted.

I would have some of my family at the party but I cant untill she gives the OK in writing. Or I get lawyers involved. She still is ignoring my requests for an answer.

Then I get two of my other sisters text me, they got my number off my brother. I am not realy ready to talk to them and it feels like pressure, like my world is colapsing a little.

trying to be strong, as strong as a vise, everyday.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 09/06/16 08:42 AM
Hey,

I had a long weekend as I took Friday off because the sitter wanted the day off. Stayed home with the boys watched movies and just spent time with them in the house. The next day was more busy, took kids and dog out to the park then did kid drop off. I go to leave and W stops me in the street to ask about something that we already texted about.

Had my sister visit after. Was a good visit, got ice cream and went to a Greek festival. Had a good talk also about the dating world now as she is single and had a lot to say about it.

The next day I was down a little as some of the talk was about my sitch. Just took it easy and slept most of the day. I did not have soccer.

The day after that I had issues with my washing machine and then headed out to my brothers for a BBQ dinner. One of my other brothers was there. Had not seen him in three years. He mentions the date of last day he saw me. He was unsure but opened up and showed some understanding later into the night.

W texted about kids water bottles she needed and wanted me to drop off or she could pick them up. I dropped them off and left them in the mail box.

So feeling better. still feel like the rope is dropped. see how it goes moving forward.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 09/09/16 06:42 AM
Hey,

Looks like detaching has helped me,

Yesterday boys start going into how their mom needs to get a truck so that when they sleep over OM house in the country in the winter they wont get stuck. This is the fist I heard his name. SO I ask the kids who? They repeat then say that their mom is going to show more pictures of his house and that he has a 16 year old son that is going to give them rides on dirt bikes.

The news was unsettling but it did not affect me that much.

I am guessing she has just met this guy, kids know about him, She has told me nothing.

So I text her asking about him and who he is, she asks why. I reply Really?

She asks me to be more specific. So she is not wanting to tell me. I ask again in your life who is he to you. She asks again why.

I tell her what kids told me and that W and OM must be serious if he is meeting the boys and that I wanted to know why its ok for this guy who she just met can visit with the boys but my brother and his new baby cant.

She down plays it saying she is just talking to this guy and its nothing serious, that the kids just read a text and that how they know about him.

Well kids did more then that, and they told me more but I did not tell her that.

She is lying to me again. Why who knows.

I did write another text say that she is lying and that kids did tell me more and that this is not how I should be finding out stuff from her through the kids.

But I have not sent it.

Part of me wants to get angry but why, there is nothing to get angry about we are no longer together, She can date who ever she wants. The only sticky part is we still are technically married. But I don't know if I even see us as married right now.

If I had the money I would let her know that I was going to put in the paper work to get that piece of paper. The whole three people in the marriage thing doesn't work for me, but she does not even see us as together anymore so that would be a formality.

Do I still see us as married? sort of. Practically no we're far from it. It depends on what is the proper way to act during a separation? Is it to be single and date and have relationships or is it a time to be by yourself to reflect work on yourself and make a decision on weather you want to go to that final step of ending the MR?

So I want to use this fact that I know that she is dating and has told me to talk to her about us. Confirming that it is the end as she has started dating. I know what the answer is, but to get it out in the open and to end it on her actions. I don't think I will do the talk but its tempting.

I think I have realized that I don't want her anymore but I don't know if that is me telling myself that to protect myself from heart ache. That is what I feel. And its sad because I read about so many that are fighting for the MR. I feel I have done that, and have left no stone unturned.

So W asked me to give her the class list to her because she is having a party for S4 with all his kids in his class.

We talked about it and I said no to us throwing a party together , I don't have the money to spend on that right now. So she is going ahead with it. Now it would have been better if she agreed with me but no now that makes me look bad. Even when we were together we could not afford it.

So it looks like he is going to get 3 birthday parties. One from me, one from W and one from W parents.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 09/09/16 06:49 AM
V-

The reality of it may hurt but you knew this already in your heart I think.

I don't know what state you live in but where i live infidelity could be part of a divorce filing that is "with cause" If you can prove it and helps in the divorce itself

BUT forget the legalese for a minute. Personally, if I had my d7 visiting with my STBX other guy I would require I know more about it and that the lying stop. I would demand it.... its actually something that in a custody discussion woudl be a big issue. I think its time for you to put the hammer down!
Posted By: JRuss Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 09/09/16 07:24 AM
Just a newby here, but I think your 7 and 4 year old on dirt bikes with a 16 year old is a legitimate topic of discussion and something you can likely put your foot down on and prevent if you think it too dangerous. It should be because of genuine concern for the kids, though, and not an attempt to drive a wedge between kids and W or even kids and OM because it would enmesh you back into what you've worked so hard to detach from. Also, your W could use it to drive a wedge between you and your kids (i.e., dad's the mean one, I'm nice, etc.).
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 09/10/16 07:37 PM
Hey

Thank you for the input rich4j and jruss.

At this point the custody is already agreed upon in the seperation agreement. We put nothing in the agreement about dating and new parteners and whe they can spend time with the kids. Somthing I am wishing I put in.

Also with the dirt bike worry, I canot do anything about it. Her time is her time with the kids, Unless she leaves them longer then 4 hours with someone I cant say a thing.

She has done that with her brother and did not tell me anything about it. I told her she has to tell me. She brushed it off saying they go every year basicly telling me she did not have to tell me because of that. I find that disrespectful of the agreement and me.

So now that she has asked me to send her the class list to her. I send it and then I ask is that her way of telling me she is having a class birthday party even though she asked me, I said no and she is going ahead with on anyway?

I also said that those type of parties cost alot of money that I dont have right now and I dont see how she can have that type of money.

Right now I am temped to continue with this discusion as she emailled me back saying that yes she is going ahead with the party with out me and thanked me for the list.

I am so mad right now.

So she asks me and was going to diregard what I said anyway. she clearly just wanted me to help pay for it. Kids dont need to invite the whole class for a birthday party.

She says S4 has been asking all summer for a party and she is going to give him one.

I want to reply that since when does the kid tell the parent what to do?

Also tonight I see on my kids Ipad that some reason her recipt for the app tinder was CC to S4 IPads mail box. Is this normal? I dont have ipad phone so not sure if this was done by her or did apple do this?

It was dated two months ago. 27.99 a month for the upgraded package charged to her CC.

Ok So I want to send another email to her asking if she met this OM on tinder. Then ask her if she is on tinder. Then tell her I am going to divorce her as from what she told me she needed the seperation to figure things out and had no interest in dating other people. One month after we both moved out she gets the app. I will not be in an open MR.


But I know the answer to all this. Show her by actions. try to keep dark. Focous on me and my kids. I will talk to my S4 about the party I have planned for him his brother and me. I will tell him that is the best I can do at this time, and we are going to have fun (taking him to build a bear).

I am seeing my lawyer about putting in the offer for the house I am renting now. When that is all done and if I have extra money I am going to look at finishing the paper work to divorce my very WW. I just need to keep that frame of mind right now to help me move forward. Will i do that? I dont know.

I keep telling myself I deserve better, I can do better.Things for me and my boys are going to get better.

Had a great day with the boys today, did some fishing and we all caught fish, was all of ours fist time catching a fish.

Then tonight I put S7 to bed and I lay ther next to him for a bit in his bed just looking at his face, and good flash backs of me doing that with W show up in my mind. Its amazing how the two years of all the bad stuff that happened between us and the good stuff finds a way through like the bad stuff never happend.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 09/15/16 06:31 AM
Hey,

I have the kids again now. And my time with out them I found I was not grounded, I was floating, I was connecting to a couple of friends and my sister and brother but they would not reply right away also they are in other cities. I feel kind of lost. Like I am swimming but getting nowhere.

I guess I am still not comfortable on my own yet. That I was too co dependent on someone else for a lot of things.

So having the kids I am better and focused. S7 was again telling me about OM and how they are going to visit him and his kid. He said he lives like 20 min away and that his mom visits him when ever she does not have kids at her house.

I think he must over hear this stuff and for some reason he is telling me word for word what he hears. He told me once that he likes when grown-ups talk because he listens but they don't think he can hear them.

I have already confronted WW about this and about not exposing the boys to him unless they are in a serious relationship. So I don't think I need to mention anything again right now.

I was thinking of talking to S7 and ask him why is he telling me this stuff about his moms guy friend. I was also thinking of telling him there is nothing I can do about who she visits or is friends with. That its his moms choice not to be with me right now also. That I would much prefer to be together as a family it is just not an option right now.

I don't know if that is too much info for him or what but I think he is telling me this stuff so that I do something about it. And I don't want him to look at me and think I just did not fight for the MR or his mom.

Also WW is forcing the agreement that we made that I would pay for morning day care. But it is bothering me that I did not fight that as I agreed because she was going to otherwise fight for full custody. It was early and some how it made it into the agreement. My lawyer never said anything about it and I did not ask. I feel like I was bullied into that and now I have another expense that only I have to pay for that is kid related.

So some advise when making your separation agreements fight for what you believe is right for you and run it past your lawyer and listen to your lawyer.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 09/16/16 12:21 PM
v-

You can always amend a custody agreement but the cost to do so may outweight the morning day care payment :-)

I would not get too deep with the S7 on the other guy. My STBX digs into my D7 and asks what i am doing, who was I with, where did you go? My advice would be to just say your mom has friends and if she wants to spend time with them that is really her choice. Just my 2 cents

I have crossed over into saying the family thing before to my D and then felt bad as she doesnt understand that her mom screwed this all up. But ...I think she knows that anyway ....I bet yours does too
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 09/27/16 07:53 AM
Hey Rich4j,

For the morning care I am just eating the cost, I adjusted my work start time and its realistic right now that gives me time to get them to school and me to work on time. Any more adjustment would be a rush and would rush being late and with how kids can be being rushed is not a good thing in the morning.

As for other stuff I have spent more time with my brothers going to auto races, keeping in touch with my sister were planning to meet up again. Soccer is almost done now and I signed up for the winter season.

I decided to get out into the dating thing. My sister was nudging me. Talked to a bunch of girls on line, met up with one of them. I have mixed emotions, was very unsure if it went well as I have nothing to gauge it against as it was the first woman I met.

After the date the confusion got to me and my emotions as my marriage mind set is really blocking me from enjoying this. I felt the need to get approval from WW before moving forward. I was wanting confirmation that she yes is done and has no interest in us at all. Her actions all indicate that but when I asked her about the guy she is seeing she down played it saying they are just talking. I wanted the truth even if it hurt me to help to mentally move forward.

In everyway we are divorced but with out the official paperwork. And that was stopping me from enjoying myself with this woman that was throwing herself at me to some degree. I did not expect it, did not expect the sadness of the loss of the MR. Did not expect the missing of WW. I resisted the need to reach out to her. I want to break free from her and I think talking to her would just set me back.

Maybe its just a bump on the road that I need to get over on my own. Or its sign I am just not that ready, but I do want to see her again, I want to get to the other side of this. To live and be happy.
Posted By: Sotto Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 09/27/16 10:45 AM
Hey Vice, do you think you are ready to date given all you've posted above? It doesn't sound like it if your W is so central in your thoughts. If I was the girl you went out with, I'd be really concerned about that, and if you are in this place it may be fairest to wait a while.

I never saw a single person post - Oh, I wish I hadn't waited so long to start dating - but I have seen many regrets about starting too soon.

smile
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 09/29/16 06:21 AM
V-

Your just not ready my friend which is Ok. Especially from what you wrote about not being able to enjoy the date etc... For some I think it takes a while...a friend of mine took 2 years before she could really go out and date.

Everyone is different. I think you need closure and not to be in limbo so much. Not fair to you. Personally it killed me for months, lost weight. sleep, was miserable..... Now...while I do miss my daughter not being here all the time I am adjusting to the new life and really have thought deep/hard about what is important to me as a person and for who I choose to spend time with in terms of any new relationship. you will get there!
Posted By: Fogg Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 10/10/16 05:22 PM
Vise,

Don't rush the dating thing, please. I understand being lonely but you're trying to fill a void right now and all a new woman will be is temporarily self-medicating the pain away. It will cause you more pain than the M has done if done at the wrong time and it could hurt her also.

You can be alone for a while and enjoy being single. I promise its not as bad as you think. You get to learn who you are and enjoy life in a way you never have before. Be a single adult and heal from this before you jump into something new.
Posted By: vise82 Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 10/11/16 07:48 AM
Hey Sotto, rich4j and fogg for checking in on me.

So a bit of an update,

I will start with WW and her continuing to expect me to look after the boys on her days. She has been asking still like before and I am not able to help her out. I told her that if I can I will if not I wont. She has taken that as me being unreasonable and has contacted her lawyer to follow through with going after my pension. We had a verbal agreement that she started herself and reinforced it three times with me that she does not want any part of my pension. Was not in writing and now she is going after it. I see my lawyer Friday as she is forcing me to act on it.

I have asked to talk to her in person on this and divorce and kids access to my family, first she refused to meet said nothing to talk about, then she agreed, she wanted to talk about her dad taking kids to his hunting lodge on part of my days.

So via text I further agreed to the weekend for the kids with her dad, then when it was time for the meeting she did not want to meet. She wanted to talk over text.

So I reluctantly agreed, sent some texts about how I was willing to give her the space she wanted apart but I wont live in a open marriage and seeing how she was involved with OM that kids know about, I was going to move ahead to divorce. Then told her about my family, we clearly disagree and I will be going forward with the resolution process and with my pension I just told her I cant trust her anymore with the amount of lies she is telling me. And that I want nothing to do with her with all this lying.


She did not respond to anything.

I did go an another date with another woman. I am not doing anything physical right now. But I can not sit at home, I need to get out there to and use this time to push me in the direction that I will be heading ready or not. I seem to have some momentum socially and I am using this energy to help me

This week end was another disrespectful treatment from her, I have the kids on Sunday and was to bring them to her on Monday. SHe text me in the morning that she will be at her house at 3:00 in the after noon. She did not ask just telling me. Well kid drop off is noon and I had to be at a dinner two hours away. Told her this . In the end she was still late and lied to me saying she was in traffic, she was at a fair that she goes to every year and even wearing the same outfit she wears when she goes.

I told her I have a life too. She just shrugs her shoulders. The toxic relationship from the MR is now spilling into the new dynamic of co parenting.

She is pushing the limits of what she can get away with. I wont be walked on as she is still trying to walk over me. She did not care I was going to be late for my dinner with my family. She was lying to me right to my face. What happened I asked, She tells me traffic. One word and one big lie, with a shrug again, sort of saying I am going to lie to you and don't care on bit.

So I am going ahead with everything, this is the reality, I don't plan to get into a relationship but if it happens I am ok with it. I think the key for me is the divorce. I choose not to live in limbo. I choose to be around people that care for me. I have gotten more caring from strangers then her. There is hope out there for me. Many great people that I can surround myself with including some on this forum.

This forum is about saving your MR but I accept the reality that I don't have one anymore. You cant be in a MR with yourself. It is also known that this forum and DBing can do something even greater, save yourself. I feel I have. I feel I have left no stone unturned. I feel I have lived in limbo long enough and life needs to be lived. I need to move forward.
Posted By: trumpet Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 10/11/16 09:44 AM
Vise,

I'm sorry to tell you, but the D won't solve your WW's disrespect or changing pickup/dropoff times. That is who she is now.

Set enforceable boundaries, call her out when she's late, telling her it's unacceptable. If she continues to make the handoffs really difficult, could you find a place, friends or family, where the kids get dropped off and you can pick up, so she doesn't make you late?

She's not pushing limits, she's doing what she wants, and isncake eating you. You ARE getting walked on.

Moving on isn't divorce. Moving on means grieving, detaching, and putting time and distance between you two. I'm still grieving. I think it will take at least another 6 months - in counseling, and while I have accepted my singleness, and like it, I'm still grieving the loss of the family.

Would you get angry if someone besides her did this to you? If so, what would you say to them? Treat her as such.
Posted By: rich4j Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 10/11/16 07:50 PM
V
Sorry things are getting nastier and agree with trumpet. I think we have the same stories

The divorce is a piece of paper as many have said on this site.

In terms of the handoffs and being late etc....document things officially to her. I can't recall if you have any legal custody agreement yet in place but if not, get it done. And when she is late or does this type of stuff, send somethign via email saying you are documenting violating our agreement. Put the hammer down...

I have stepped up my distancing myself from my STBX although we only live 2 blocks away with things like this. I push back on things I used to cave in on and it sounds eerily similar to yours. Example is about going to a teacher conference together as my daughters teacher offered separate sessions...I grabbed it. She freaked out and said it was disrespectful....I didn't respond as I also don't want to sit in the same room with a liar.

The family loss won't go away for a long time. I still get bummed out about the family unit but not about her if that makes sense.
Posted By: Fogg Re: Out of in house S - On My Own (11) - 11/02/16 06:07 PM
Vise, how are things going?
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