New Thread, old one here:
Wow I think this is now my 4th thread...
Previous one:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2685570&page=1I want to say progress is being made - more on me then on W, I've actually been offline here a few days as I'm focusing more on work and have been busy in the evenings.
I'm turning a different leaf as of this week and want to avoid talking negatively about W, so if you want the history you'll have to go back and read previous threads.
At a high level she moved out in April and I've got primary custody (70%) of D9 in the family home.
Last R talk was early May and was initiated by me, since then I haven't brought it up. Our casual interactions are mostly around finances, or kids. Every now and then she'll complain about work or something and I do my best to validate.
Meanwhile, I've been getting out doing things, exercising, eating and finally starting to be productive at work. The IC I'm seeing weekly has also helped.
My daughter has been my shinning star through all this, she keeps me grounded and puts smiles on my face daily and reminds me of God's presence in our daily lives.
It's W's weekend with D9 which will be tough on me (being Father's day) but I plan on being "around" but busy. W usually stays in guest bedroom on her weekends with D as she doesn't have a permanent place.
Already have plans to be out tonight, tomorrow morning and Sunday morning. Saturday afternoon I'll be busy working on a household project. Saturday night... not sure yet, Sunday night W agreed that I can take D for dinner for Father's day.
Don't let a calendar dictate when to have your Father's Day. You will get it.
((Paclove))
So weekend came and went... W was pleasant most of the weekend until she left Sunday night.
We had some casual interactions and discussion (and fell into a trap of very light R talk Saturday night after she brought up Labor day and who's weekend it was. It was clear from this that she's not planning on coming home anytime soon)
In the end I agreed to a family brunch for Father's day, call me weak but then again like DR says in LRT to accept some invitations but not all - I decided to accept this one. I then went about my day on my own, much as I did on Saturday.
I know some may not agree on here, but I think it's in my best interest to keep positive interactions between W and I with healthy boundaries.
There were other things that bothered me over the weekend but I'm not going to vent about it here in the spirit of trying to maintain positive about W.
I'm trying to show some compassion, friendliness and not be a total A$$.
You are not weak for accepting a brunch in your honor.
Trying to keep a positive light on W here but also need some advice:
So dilemma here.. when W is home with D you can tell she is "stressed" out by having to take care of her, feed her, get her to bed etc. She's always felt this way but it's more pronounced now probably do to the sich and her having other things on her mind.
The challenge is, this doesn't make for a very welcoming home to come back to - if she re-lives the stress with D every-time she comes home.
I'm tempted to jump in and help, which I could totally do when I am home on her nights with D. It would relieve some of the stress both on her and D, but am also weary of it being perceived negatively or anti DB. I already do a lot for D but want to maintain some consistency for her, make sure she eats healthy and gets to bed on time.
W has made comments in the past that she feels more like her nights are obligations vs. opportunities to spend time with D.
W has made comments in the past that she feels more like her nights are obligations vs. opportunities to spend time with D.
Man that's a horrible attitude to have about her own D. I'm not an expert, but I'd lean towards not helping her out when you are around.
I have to believe it's just the side-effects of what ever she's going through.
Last night it was W's night with D, I came home ~8 and D was alone in her room, D was reaching out to me, wanted me to stay with her for a while. She had had a fight with W. She's really leaning on me for emotional support and stability, she then came down and had dinner with me and I did most of the night time routine with her while W did her own thing.
She's also been trying to talk to W about getting us back together, so while I may be detaching, D is attaching and pursuing, I plan to discuss this with D as I'm sure that pushes W further away too.
Looking forward to a fun filled weekend with D.
Some random thoughts and questions tonight... how many of you have told your kids about the A or the possibility of the A? Would you tell them if you got Divorced? or if you knew they were going to meet the AP?
I can't for the life of me see W introducing D to OM without feeling some guilt, off-course if she ever did she'd probably try to sell it as a new R and not the A that broke up the marriage. Perhaps this is one of the things that could help them turn back? facing reality of having to introduce kids to the AP...
hey paclove, like you, i also took some time away from DB forums, you can check my updates over on my thread, but I'm doing really well, given the circumstance. I have not ordered the LRT videos from michele yet, and that's mostly because the last two weeks, I wanted to shift focus from MR stuff, to ME stuff. My last coach call I talked with her about LRT, the LRT letter, and mentioned the videos to her (it was my last call I had paid for at the time.) She said it might be a good idea to order those before scheduling anymore calls, because I've done my job to a T, and the LRT videos do offer some advice that is not mentioned in the book, or by the coaches.
My finances are a little whacky, as I have temporary restraining order on financial assets prior to the D date. But I get paid Friday and I do plan on ordering the training videos over the weekend. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm sorry, I don't have much advice for anything to do with 'kids', as I don't have any, and haven't done much research on the topic. But my gut feeling is that it's a bad idea to out the A to the kids, at least until they are older. It seems to me like it would create un-necessary shame on someone that it already in defensive mode and would cause more friction in general. But like I said, I'm not the expert. If it were me, I would try not to focus on what your W is doing at all, unless it is somehow harmful to your children directly (not emotionally through you).
If you ever do decide to expose the A, it needs to be done with a plan, and very carefully. There is a great book on how to do that, but the mods don't allow that on here I don't think. If you want to do the research, you'll know what I'm talking about. It's an "expose to all" technique, and I think it would work, I wouldn't done it but I've moved on from worrying about 'stopping' my W's actions, or trying to save our M.
I wish I could be of more help, but wanted to swing by and say hi, let you know you're in my thoughts. Keep focusing on you, and try to understand what it is within you that you want for your future. work towards that. I'm sure your coach told you, with every decision you make, does this bring me closer, or further away from my goal? This is sitch dependent, and only you can know the true answer, we are just here to support you no matter what.
Hi Betterm thanks for the reply.
Random thoughts on a Friday night after a stiff drink ;-) I want to shield my D from the pain of the A for now.
Had a great weekend of Me and GAL, got lots of stuff done around the house and spent some great quality time with D.
Monday W needed to take care of D and D invited her to stay for dinner to which she accepted. Had some nice chats and caught up a bit she seemed reluctant to leave after dinner but did anyways. My approach now is very much around having boundaries but also being polite, friendly and open to her. I think she was impressed by all the work I did on the weekend and mentioned it to me twice.
Something I have been pondering though is I know my wife's Love Languages from an exercise we did a few years back (Acts of Service, and Words of Affirmation) the later is easy through validation but she scores really high on Acts of Service which is more or less anti DB.
I'm probably going to get pounced on this in the forum but I'm leaning more to doing random acts of kindness, she's been positively receptive to the small things I've done since Separation. It's one thing I need to do to improve myself anyways, and most of it will be things around the house or with the family assets (house, cars, investments).
Hi PacLove, I understand the feeling of wanting to try something different. My W's languages would be Quality time and words of Affirmation. First one is a little harder to do and definitely anti DBing right now. My W certainly seems to be attention seeking, I get all sorts of information about what she has done for the kids, almost like, look at me and how well I'm doing as a single mom....
Within DBing, I think it's ok to experiment a little and see what happens. So for me, I will start with an occasional measured words of affirmation and see what transpires. Maybe you can start the same, small, measured and occasional.
Just had some other thoughts, it took the loss of our family unit, the loss of our best friend and partner to 'wake' us up. To explore ourselves, to turn and open our own Pandora's box. I understand more about what Sandi says about losses cracking through the fog, it is how it got through to us.
Like I said before, I don't think we can't experiment but we have to remember not to put any hope on seeing some dramatic effect. If we do, we can have no expectations or it will only hurt us. For me the experiments would be the odd reminder of the friendship we used to have, the connection we used to have but then to pull back again and observe. My W has made it known to friends that she wants to be friends, that she doesn't understand why I'm not. It could be a sign of her feeling that loss or it could still be just trying to have the best of both worlds. That's why I feel it's important for me to keep looking at this from outside the fish bowl.
So W and D leave for 2 week vacation today, this was planned before 2nd BD/S but now that we are S and D and I have grown so close in the last 3 months I'm not overly excited about it.
It will be good to have some isolation and will be good for them to spend some time together. It will also isolate her from OM to some degree.
Planning lots of fun stuff over the next 2 weeks to keep me busy!
Enjoying the mountains today! lots of time to ponder things.
Question for you all - how many of your WAS are trying to work with you amicably through your DB'ing. Mine seems to want to stay friends, work on things that are mutually beneficial (Kids, investments, real estate) but is totally ignoring the elephant in the room (The A and the separation).
It does make for a more peaceful separation, especially around D and ensuring things are well taken care of but at the same time I don't know if it hurts or helps the situation.
That is exactly what has been happening in my house. They don't want to talk about it. In reality they feel like crap for what they have done. Ignoring the A and the separation is just the easy way out.
That is exactly what has been happening in my house. They don't want to talk about it. In reality they feel like crap for what they have done. Ignoring the A and the separation is just the easy way out.
Hmm. Mine gets angry if I mention anything, and I'm trying to stop caring. I'm trying to do right, if she wants to continue to do wrong that's on her. She's mentioned D a couple times, in about 40 days. I think it was more as threats to try to get what she wants though.
Everything they do, once the A starts, is the easy/cowardly way out....
So good weekend overall, and a highlight I thought worth sharing.
A friend of mine shared a story of a couple they knew that were separated for 2 years and then just recently got back together.
Similar situation with the wife walking out to "find herself", she didn't think there was any A but did say she dated some during the 2 year separation... their Daughter started developing behavior issues which was ultimately the catalyst for them getting back together.
He never took is ring off, followed her (and kid) across country (but lived separately). They are now back together and piecing.
Strange conversation with W over the weekend, she started talking about living different places and even suggested that maybe "we" take a flip out to some of them to check them out and even suggested me to check out jobs there. I kind of chalk this up as her forgetting in the moment we are separated.
So a lot of DB theology is around GAL and making yourself "look" attractive to our spouses so they will want to come back.
How have others on here handled the potentially unattractive necessary conversations? For example, I need to bring up to W that she owes some money on the shared expenses which I know will be a love buster... so I've been hesitating.
I'm very detailed around finances and while I know she appreciates this quality in me for our investments, she'll also see it as me monitoring her and watching her spending when I confront her on this. It definitely wont be putting any deposits into the Emotional Bank Account.
This is tough. I've actually had conversations about this with my W, and how we need to handle it, and nothing has worked. She knows that she lets her emotions get involved and loses control of herself, leading to raised voice, anger, yelling, and then usually, an eventual door slamming as she storms out of the room/house. I always remain calm and try to listen/hear my wife out on her side of things, but she's just too angry to hear anything other than "negative, negative, negative" and falls apart cause she can't keep control... I know it's not the best way, or the answer you might want to hear, but we've resorted to emails and texts for anything dealing with "business matters."
Yeah I was trying a "weekly" business email highlighting things around the house/kids/finances but I don't know as if she liked that too much. I also dropped a hint today without implying that she needs to pay.
I've been noticing a lot of tension between W and D9. Both are going to IC's but am wondering if there might be value in "family" counselling trying to figure out through a IC how to handle our situation through the Separation.
Would/Could this be seen as desperate or controlling on my part if I suggest it to W? The intent wouldn't be to reconcile or anything, more just to figure out how to work through the situation with the least impact on D.
D's counselor did mention to me last time that the ambiguity of our situation is not good for D (W keeps telling D it's temporary). It's hard enough on LBS', we can at least accept some of the unknown and work through it emotionally but for kids it must be brutal!
Anyone else on the forums done something like this to work through how to handle the kids through your separations?
So my GAL activities this weekend left me with stitches on my face which ultimately will make a nice Scar. W tried to tell me not to do said activity anymore to which I responded I'm already planning my next outing...
I had fun nonetheless but am worried about my appearance and how this may now make me "less" attractive to W or others down the road.
Sounds like it might just be a very distinguished looking scar. In years to come whenever you tell the story, embellish it just a tiny little bit! I chipped my teeth one icy day when I was on my motor scooter and took a turn a little too fast -- I was distracted by thoughts of the ow who was tormenting my every waking hour. So that little defect will always remind me of the awful days, and how they ended up getting better.
I don't know your story at all, but I read your post about family counseling to help D. Don't ever think that your suggesting something is controlling or desperate! If you think D would benefit, then don't just suggest it, insist on it!
I'm glad to hear that W is saying this is just temporary... I hope that means she's working out her feelings and will come home. I wrote on my forum about being the lighthouse. That might help you.
PacLove, I think you should just be matter of fact about the finances. "W, you owe $XX for this month's bills. Could you get me a check by next week?"
PacLove: I recommend family therapy.
I started family counselling and all and all it was a good idea. I took the kids without W at first. I asked her if she wanted to be part of it and she said no. The Dr asked her she said no. She saw some other Dr and they told her it was not a good idea too. Well the kids and I had few sessions without her. When S15 told W that the Dr feels we an only do so much without her - she then came to two sessions.
As the summer started and the kids all went their separate ways - I asked her, in front of the kids and the Dr, if she wanted to come again just the two of us. She said yes.
It's only been two sessions. My expectations are very very low - but as a friend of mine said "She is still in the game".
So I'm really glad the way it turned out. I especially think I showed a good example to my kids and I'm proud of how they responded. I'm even impressed that W is willing. Please check out my thread for the gory details.
Thanks for the input! been offline for a few days. W has been surprisingly chatty on her travels with D (they've been away for 2 weeks) so I know she's not seeing the OM, but it doesn't mean she's not talking to him.
I'm getting random txts with pictures, or how is my scar etc. Could be temp checking, could be friendly conversation, could be her being lonely with no adult companionship. I take it for what it is and try not to read too much into it.
I will suggest the Family Therapy after I get back from my vacation with D at the end of July.
Question for the group here... I've been doing my best to follow the DB, but one thing that I'm concerned about (and was also mentioned by my Pastor and IC) is could it be seen as a form of silent approval of the Affair? ie not bringing it up, not challenging her, being nice but with boundaries... it's almost as if she can go off doing what she wants with no serious consequences (other than potentially losing her H, home, and having only part time with her D - which she seems to be content with)
BTW Scar is healing nicely but will leave a reminder of the events for sure ;-)
it's almost as if she can go off doing what she wants with no serious consequences (other than potentially losing her H, home, and having only part time with her D - which she seems to be content with)
What kind of consequences? You are living in separate houses, right? Are you financially supporting her?
What does your Pastor suggest you do?
We are in separate places and we have a cost sharing agreement in place (she pays her share of the mortgage and I pay a share towards her rent). She's certainly feeling the financial pinch.
The only thing that perhaps I am a little too giving about is when she spends time with D - it's still in the family home, but that's only because she doesn't have a place where she can host her. I don't want to disrupt D too much so this works - W does stay in the guest bedroom on her weekends in the family home.
At some point I may have to ask W to remove her stuff from the MBR, it bugs me seeing it there all the time.
My Pastor, and IC both say it's still to fresh/RAW to be making any hard decisions and boundaries, we are just into our 4th month of separation - plus she hasn't really admitted or come clean to anything other than an EA but I'm pretty sure she knows I know that it's a PA - it's more or less being left unspoken.
Excited to see D tonight - probably the longest we've ever been apart - 17 days! She was really starting to miss me last week.
Not so sure how W will be when I pick them up at the airport, shes been sort of hot and cold the last two weeks but distant - at an arms length but sending me lots of updates on their travels. Anyways looking forward to the next 2 weeks with D (she's with me) and we are going to have a little vacay time together.
I was really worried about how I'd handle the 2 weeks alone without W/D but I survived, got lots done around the house and kept myself busy - so busy in fact that I watched a grand total of 1 movie and 0 TV over the last 2 weeks.
So I have reason to believe my W's IC is helping her to move on from the M... anyone else dealt with this? I guess in the end it's her heart that will decide whether to move on or stay... and my ability to be the best I can.
I also have a hunch she's not been open to her IC about the A.
Yes, this is something we are told frequently. If her IC is one of those "do whatever it takes to make yourself happy" types, then she may not be getting marital advice.
Sandi2, so does one change their approach with this? or just leave it be and hope they recognize it on their own...?
Question for the group here... I've been doing my best to follow the DB, but one thing that I'm concerned about (and was also mentioned by my Pastor and IC) is could it be seen as a form of silent approval of the Affair? ie not bringing it up, not challenging her, being nice but with boundaries... it's almost as if she can go off doing what she wants with no serious consequences (other than potentially losing her H, home, and having only part time with her D - which she seems to be content with)
W knows you don't approve of the A. If you challenge her, she'll back away. Remember, she's in a fog and doesn't want to be any more uncomfortable than her choices are already making her.
And with regard to the IC, Sandi may have other advice, but I don't think you can do anything about who W chooses to see. It's her choice and you can't insist that she do anything differently!
I regret my use of the word "insist" in an earlier post about family therapy. I suggested that you insist on it for D if you think it will help, but you can't insist or mandate that W join you. If you try to control or manipulate her she'll use that as a reason to leave, potentially.
Sandi2/others looking for a WW perspective here. So W comes home from her travels yesterday with gifts for me and the family but is still clearly involved with OM.
IC seems to be councilling her on how to exit - or provide her clarity. If she really wanted out why doesn't she just ask for a D? Why do they continue to hurt us in this manner by hanging on? Is it cake eating or to keep us as a backup plan?
I've got a lot of frustration and anger today over my sich. Want to vent but trying not to paint my W in a negative light.
BTW I do sincerely believe W has a good heart but it's lost right now in the Fog or whatever. I've heard about some pretty shameful acts by others in affairs they are clearly lost to themselves. I believe that is my W right now.
So I have reason to believe my W's IC is helping her to move on from the M... anyone else dealt with this?
Absolutely. My W's IC was the strength behind her hammer to find encouragement to file the D. I know this because her first few sessions she talked about how much she loved the IC, how helpful she's being, and how she's helping her deal with things she's been keeping bottled up in a compassionate way...
Fast forward 5 weeks. My wife hates her IC, wants to find a new one, asked me if she could start seeing my IC as I love her so much, and started telling me things about how her IC and her don't really see eye-to-eye anymore, and that their sessions have turned more into a "picking a brain session" as opposed to a nice, calm, compassionate 'do what's right for you' sessions.
It all depends on the person in IC, but my W used the IC for what she needed, and is now bailing out because the IC is making her look into her own self, and helping her find "root cause" of where all these problems are stemming from... and surprise surprise, (<whispers>:
it's not all me...)
I've said this in other posts, and my view on IC is that the patient/client/whatever, will only get out of it what the want. especially in the case of someone like my W, or maybe all WW's, in that they run for the fastest and easiest form of medication they can find, to fix what they feel is most important now, in place of what is most important in life.
I'm sorry it's happening like this, but there's nothing you can do to "get" (see that word?) your W to disbelieve in her IC that won't make matters worse for your cause. It's gonna run it's course, and I hope your W's course is better than the one mine took. Good luck, friend.
Pac, you may be Plan B right now (I was) and she may be cake eating (mine was) but so what. That doesn't change what you need to do to work on your marriage. Sometimes we have to suck up a lot of humiliation. Like my signature says, don't be a doormat. But also, just try to roll with it.
You never know -- the OM could disappoint sooner rather than later. And so what if you're the default partner? Sometimes they just need to see what's out there to fully appreciate what they have at home. They shouldn't, but they do.
Thanks. Yeah I'm struggling. Don't know what to make of the gifts. Like a i need a daily reminder on my desk right now of her. Trying my best not to think about her during the day so I can focus on my job. It'll probably end up in my desk drawer for the time being.
It's also frustratingto know she's out there having all the fun while I'm sitting home alone half the time in tears. Actually today was probably the first one I welled up for the past few weeks.
Don't know what to make of the gifts.
One very helpful thing I read here a while ago is to not focus too much on when a WW does something nice for you. It might be guilt, it might be actual interest in reconnecting, but there is a strong possibility that it means nothing at all especially since there were gifts for everyone and she didn't want you to feel left out.
Yeah good point.
So interesting situation coming up - I'm heading out of town for a week with D and W will be staying in the house to watch over the Dog. I shutter to think that she will occasionally have OM visit/stay.
I've thought of setting up WebCam - but she would see that as me watching her. I've thought of laying out boundaries and say it's not appropriate for OM to be in our home but again that would be bringing up the A.
The other side of me is just ignore it and if it happens it happens, she'll do what she wants anyways and anything I try and do to control her would not go over well...
I could off-course tell her she can't stay at the home but then I need to make arrangements for the Dog - and there is some cost savings in having her stay there (since she still pays into the mortgage and I help her with her accommodations which she'll save that week)
PacLove,
I don't know what to tell you, but I know what I'd do. I'd tell her to stay out of the house and I'd spend the money to kennel the dog. I'd also change the locks. And, in addition, it'd be a perfect time to tell her that I never want the OM in my house and if I find him in the house he'll be leaving the house with his nuts in his throat.
But, that's just me. And I just got back from an IC session so I'm chill.
PacLove - one thing that I insisted on doing with my WW the day after BD was setting out ground rules. One of those was that she would not have OM on our property. The others were that I wouldn't contact OM, that I would stop snooping, and that I wouldn't do anything "stupid". There maybe were a couple of others that I don't remember but it was a very small list. She agreed with these and as far as I know abided by them.
I think it's more than reasonable that you set those boundaries. It's not "controlling" the way I saw it. It's two adults who essentially are room-mates setting up the new rules. If she needs to figure out some way to look after the dog that still allows her to see OM but not on your property - that's not your problem. If she doesn't agree with this, then she needs to make a counter-offer that is acceptable to you.
The A exists - you can't pretend it doesn't. That doesn't mean that it has to be a regular topic of conversation. In fact any time my WW brought up anything close to the A I would request that she change the subject.
She still has regular access to the house as we do our best to co-parent our D in the family home, so changing locks is not an option - plus I'm apprehensive about any vindictive act that pushes her further away.
She's in temporary accommodation right now, living week by week - hasn't really "moved" out. She even spends the odd night sleeping in the guest bedroom when she watches over D and I'm out late. Our closet still has all her clothes in there - something that I may seek to change when I get back (The constant reminder is frustrating)
AndrewP - yeah I think that's where I fell short on ground rules, our separation agreement only had a clause whereby we aren't to introduce D to anyone we are seeing and that she can stay in the home when she's watching D.
I won't see her before I leave so I may just send an email to her with things she needs to worry about (ie water lawn, ...) with a phrase at the end "BTW I expect you to honor the sanctity of our marital home while I'm away and refrain from any male guests during your stay." Although this may well fall on deaf hears since she's already failed to honor our marital vows.
Obviously I won't be able to validate it and even if I could (ie VAR, or Camera) bringing it up would be bad DB'ing.
lol doodler, funny how IC sessions have impact on our mentalities... then again, I think you'd say the same thing on any other day of the week, regardless of IC.
paclove, i'm not the perfect DB'r, but we all have different paths, and goals, to get to where we need to be going. Have you ever heard of the principle of equifinality? ...good reading
having said that, i'm some where in the middle of you and doodler... I probably would state a boundary of OM's presence in the marital home. She left you and the marriage, and you both agreed she'd stay there WHILE she's watching D9, but she is not watching D9 this time. She's alone.
Quick question, who was the first to suggest she stay in the home alone while you and D9 were out of town?
I would pay for the dogs to be boarded, or hotel'd, or pampered, or whatever people do nowadays with their dogs. I saw a doggie hotel the other day that was 150% the price of a decent hotel in the city i live... couldn't believe it. On the other side, you can find a girl/boy in the neighborhood willing to come walk them for $10 bucks a day or something, 3 walks per day, I do that when I know I'm going to be gone for a long time and don't want to get my W involved with "hey can you go let the dogs out", because... well, I don't need her to, I'm taking care of the house and all things in it until her dumba$$ gets her [censored] together.
I also would setup a security camera (or two), (NOT IN THE BEDROOM - or anywhere else you might see something which you will never be able to "unsee"), but what would suffice is just knowing if OM was there or not, that's really all that's necessary IMO. I don't know why people don't have security cameras setup anyways, but maybe I'm just a crazy person, I have several around my property and house. Plus, I can watch and spy on the animals from all over the world!! (as long as I have internet connection)!
betterm - TBH I don't know as if we ever talked about it - I think she just assumed she'd stay there while I was away and equally I assumed she'd take care of the dog. Perhaps part of our longstanding issues of non-communication and assumptions of each other.
I know if brought it up this late in the day it would certainly send her in a tivy...
As for the cameras - funny story I've been wanting to buy them for years but she was always against it. I finally bought some last fall on sale to which she vehemently objected and wanted me to return them - obvious now why... they still sit in a box in the garage part of me wants to install them, part of me thinks it will push her further away as if I'm spying on her again.
In the end do I really want to know if he's there? I could do it discretely but that would cause me more pain, if I put them up and tell her (so she doesn't bring OM around) that will only piss her off more.
I found out earlier this week by accident that she was at his place first thing after being away with D and it was a major setback. Had a rough day!
In the end do I really want to know if he's there? I could do it discretely but that would cause me more pain, if I put them up and tell her (so she doesn't bring OM around) that will only piss her off more.
I don't mean to be rude... but... So What? Maybe being a little pissed off is exactly what she needs... I hate to say it, but the attitude of "I don't want to piss her off" is not going to work when you are dealing with a WW that doesn't give a rip about your feelings right now.
I started this site, my "DB'ing" frightened at every choice, every word, every option, because I thought each one was going to be the "make or break" moment... and in reality, it's not.
You need to do what's right for you. The fact you WANTED security cameras before this, but only didn't put them up because she's didn't want you to, now's the time to do it... she left you. That's YOUR HOUSE now, and you don't need her help for JACK SQUAT anymore. remember that. engrave it across the front of your forehead (backwards i guess)... you have to make choices for yourself now.
Yeah I may put them up tonight. We had 2 break ins nearby so I've got some good justification for putting them up. Then I'll just let her know hey are there for security and mention nothing of the other man. knowing they are there hopefully she doesn't try and bring him in.
Thinking about this more I'm reminded of what my DB coach said would this action bring us closer together or further apart. With that in mind I may just let it go and not install the cameras.
Funny about the cameras. Before the big BD when I found out about the A (before I thought she was just a WAW) I had been experimenting with using an old cell phone as a webcam as part of a project I was proposing for work.
W - was "very" upset as you could imagine, especially if it did sound recording. I ended up putting one in our front room pointed across the road for about a month - it didn't work too well and kept overheating. After I found out about the A I moved it into my home office pointed officially at the rose on my desk "so I can see it wherever I am" and also pointed coincidentally at our filing cabinet where all the financial documents and current backups are stored. I also turned on the notification alarm functions. I was in full paranoia about what W and OM might do.
Not a damned thing happened except that I got annoyed by all the false alarms. The camera is still in place and I still look at my rose from time to time when I travel. It holds about 3 days of video on board so I suppose I could check if I wanted to. To quote the ancient philosopher Elsa "let it go ... let it go ...."
We had 2 break ins nearby so I've got some good justification for putting them up. Then I'll just let her know they are there for security and mention nothing of the other man.
This is why I recommend putting them up. You wanted to put them up for security, before you even knew your W was having an A. nothing changes, put them up for security and that's that.
I have a little remote control vehicle that I can drive around my house when I'm not home, it's got a wifi remote and wifi camera that streams to the internet (and also local storage)... it freaks my cats out.
But this is just "normal behavior" for me to have weird crap like this going on at home. My W wouldn't bring OM inside cuz she has no clue what I have going on in that house HAHA.
IC seems to be councilling her on how to exit - or provide her clarity. If she really wanted out why doesn't she just ask for a D? Why do they continue to hurt us in this manner by hanging on? Is it cake eating or to keep us as a backup plan?
It is her way of keeping you as her backup plan. And yes, it is "cake eating". It is my argument about in-house separation and why it doesn't work. B/C it is MAJOR cake eating for the WW.
Thanks Sandi2 - I don't know if this gives me a glimmering of hope or makes me feel more downcast that I'm somebodies' 2nd./"backup" plan... I suppose we are all here to try and save our marriage (or ourselves) through this process.
It is her way of keeping you as her backup plan. And yes, it is "cake eating". It is my argument about in-house separation and why it doesn't work. B/C it is MAJOR cake eating for the WW.
I was going to post this on my own thread but I thought a minor hi-jack would be OK.
I am in an in-house separation as well. I've just realized that even though I'm the LBH that I'm cake-eating too. I have the marital home and all the family resources too. I can pretend to the world that everything is fine and not have to explain myself. I even have the better part of the deal. I have the MBR and can hold my head high without guilt. I too am reluctant to drop the rope and leave / boot my W out out of fear of losing my connection to my own Plan A and of the turmoil and discomfort that would result. I can even delay this indefinitely while everything spins around the drain.
Hmmmm.
I've just realized that even though I'm the LBH that I'm cake-eating too.
I guess I was a cake-eating LBH too, but my cake tasted like spoiled eggs and burnt milk... it wasn't an enjoyable cake to say the least. I don't know where I'd be if I wouldn't have bullied my way back into the MBR, indirectly forcing my W out of the house "for good"... but I'm glad I did so. I don't want to be Plan B or the "default" fall back guy... if that's what you are when she decides to come back to you, that's what you'll be when someone new comes along for the next A... she knows she won't be losing you... you'll just stick around and wait for her while she's having A after A, as she knows her good ole #2 will just be waiting back for her at home... rubbish.
LOL my wife is more or less out but does spend the odd night in the guest bedroom and still keeps her Wardrobe here. But I too feel like we are both taking advantage of the situation. On my nights without D I get out and do fun things. I have the house mainly to myself and still manage most of the $. I also have 70% custody of D although that also comes with all the responsibilities of getting her off to school, making sure she's fed etc. If we were to Divorce I'd likely have to give up the family home and custody would shift to 50/50. To say we are in a pickle would be an understatement as we both seem to have mostly what we want right now except each other.
So update on the cam sich - checked in with W sharing that with the recent crimes I felt it was a safe thing to do and she gave me a thumbs up.
Now it's making the time to do it which I may/may-not have time to do before I leave. Her knowing that I may install them is good enough for me, as my IC sad yesterday do I really want this spoiling my vacation - if the temptation to watch the house while I'm away is too great then leave it be. Plus what would I ultimately do with any Intel I gathered... nothing.
On another note in a dream last night I was tempted to write a letter to W expressing all the feelings I've had in the last two months, especially the anger over the situation. I know this isn't proper DB'ing so probably wont do it, or if anything may journal it... but then again I thought I did see somewhere that if it helps you personally to deal with your anger you should express it towards the person you are angry at... has anyone else shared there anger with their WS? if so did it help you? how did they react?
Hey PacLove - Before really getting into what I should be doing, I had written my wife a couple of letters expressing how I felt, my anger, frustration with the situation, etc.
With my WW, it just made her angry and pushed her further away. She felt it was controlling, and trying to tell her what to do.
That does not mean that you won't have a different experience, I think you just have to try to figure out what is it you wish to accomplish by giving her such a letter and does doing so get you closer to your desired end result.
In my case I think it pushed my WW deeper into the fog, and she is further away from me now than she has been since the BD back in early April.
Just my two cents, I'm sure others out there may have different opinions.
...has anyone else shared there anger with their WS? if so did it help you? how did they react?
Hell yes I've shared my anger with the WW! I've never done it via a letter, but I have done it plenty of times in person (direct delivery is always better in my opinion). And I've even, on occasion, used graphic and very descriptive language (Cadet would never believe that). I have never been violent, but I have been very angry and my anger was appropriate and I don't regret unloading some of my anger at the source of the anger. Is it something you should do all of the time? Absolutely not! But, anger is part of the human condition and expressing it appropriately isn't a bad thing. Is it DB? I don't know, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
About the Cams, if you're putting them up to spy, then don't. If you're putting up for the reasons you say you're putting them up. It's a no brainer. I think you're using the "security" reasons as a buffer on why you really want to put them up, which is to spy on your W.
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On the letter, write it, but don't give it to her (immediately). I've found that writing letters, notes, journaling, etc has been a huge reason why I've been able to take the steps in DBing that I have, so I highly recommend it. Write the letter, but do not give it to your W until you've re-read it at least 3 times, over the course of 3 days (the 72 hour rule)...
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Like LFM said, letters of this sort will most likely come off as pushy, pursuing, manipulative, etc... but the point is to keep things as direct as possible (see doodler approach)... If I were your coach, I'd tell you to write the letter, and then burn it after you've read it a few times.
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My personal sitch, it took me a long time to show any "anger" towards/with my W. for the longest time, I took blame for all of our problems, and I know that ANGER is really just another way to express hurt and/or fear... I didn't feel I was "allowed" to feel hurt/angry as I took on a lot of the blame. Once I got over the hump, and realized I'm in this for myself, I was able to see that I am allowed to feel hurt, I am allowed to be angry, so there have been several occasions where I have expressed my hurt to her, and reminded her that she is not the only one suffering through this horrible event in our lives. How she's not the only one feeling 'betrayed' and how her actions have not been what I would've expected in this time either...She was surprised to hear this the first couple times, because I'd been so GAL that she thought I just didn't care and was moving on without her in such a fierce way, I didn't give a rip about her at all... In truth, I do, and I was hurting on the inside, and all the GAL was really just a way to shield myself from having to "feel"... something my IC has been helping me with as well.
Betterm thanks for the input. Yeah if I ask myself honestly it's probably a bit of both, I've always wanted the cameras as Im a techy and that kind of thing enthralls me but there is certainly a part of me that wants to know what's going on in the house while I'm away.
For anger, I think I'm shadowing your coattails as I've shown very little up until now. In fact just today we probably exchanged about 20 texts but they were mostly initiated by her except for a few where I was updating her of my travels as it would impact her and D.
Journaling a little... 4 days into Vacation with D, I didn't realise how much of an emotional roller coaster this would be for me... hanging with family is nice but it feels as if one important part of our family unit is missing and seeing the love around me only makes me miss her more.
The homily at Church this past Sunday felt like the pastor was talking directly to me... he preached on the power of prayer and discernment and how we hear yes, then no, then patience... wow!
I haven't really spoken to her at all since travelling other than a few texts to me asking if she could call D.
My emotions have wandered from anger, to loneliness to frustration - wanting a quick end to my situation one way or another. (her back or some finality) This is truly one of the biggest challenges and tests I have ever undertook.
How do you all feel about leaving books around so that W can see them? In the past I've made an effort to hide them. I know for sure to hide DR and DB, but I've purchased a few other books on A's, relationship and separation, part of me thinks they'd be good reads for her but at the same time not sure how she'd react if she were to find them on my book shelf or in our shared Kindle library. If she'd even take notice and read them is a totally different question.
From the WW's viewpoint? A total turn-off! Way too obvious and unattractive.
Thanks Sandi, will keep them hidden then. Talked to W briefly the other day she sounded very down. Tried to validate her but she was quick to dismiss me. Been missing her and missing the companionship.
I'm in the same boat Pac, it's been 4 days since I contacted my W and I am looking for any excuse to text her. We gotta stay strong, we are doing this for ourselves.
Been reading a lot about co-parenting lately - and while it seems a good option for the kids it looks like some of what I may need to practice flys in the face of DB'ing.
Have any of you tried to maintain a good co-parenting model? if so what works what doesn't?
I've also read of one or two stories where co-parenting can actually bring a couple back together - we rarely communicated about parenting previous to separation, perhaps now this is a common bond we can build upon.
Been taking a break for a while from the forum, not sure if this is good or bad but part of my GAL - things have been going fairly well..
W is still engaged at arms length, there is not much tension and she does a lot around the house but I'm debating whether to let that continue as I know the A is still going on and she's still pretty clear on her intent to live separate lives. She has a permanent place coming up in a few months to move into, so that will be a real change as we'll have to discuss finances and logistics (things she's not really thinking about).
We had a brief talk last night about what to tell our D (at the advice of D's Therapist) and she said she's not ready to come home and is thinking of telling her 6 months.
I'm debating between going dark/NC and maintaining status quo - happy when she's around but not engaging at all.
So a friend who happened to be over this weekend and know's of my sich commented he noticed a lot of resentment on my part towards my W. Not something I felt I was doing, but perhaps my being short and detaching would appear like that?
How does this bode for DB'ing? it's hard not to feel resentment with the ongoing S and A, but I think it kind of goes against what we are supposed to exude which is being happy, jovial, and aloof... thoughts?
Sounds like you're just faking it. That's fine in the beginning, but that's only so that you put yourself into the mindset of actually being happy.
I know it's not easy, but it's possible.
MrBond - perhaps you may be right but I don't think I am... I'm trying to be happy and usually when surrounded by D I am. I think it's more being short with her than anything that perhaps gives off the resentment.
Think about it this way. When you were single, what were the things that made you happy? Do more of that. What I did was take my Ds to the places and did things that my W would never have agreed to. It got me closer to them in ways I never thought possible.
Anyone else struggling with the long weekend? We used to always do things as a family this weekend, I've got D, but really miss W and shutter to think that she's likely spending it away with OM - hard to detach from these thoughts. Didn't sleep much last night.
I'm definitely struggling. Ww happens to have all kinds of activities for herself and I'm doing stuff with S. Hang in there!
Anyone else struggling with the long weekend? We used to always do things as a family this weekend, I've got D, but really miss W and shutter to think that she's likely spending it away with OM - hard to detach from these thoughts. Didn't sleep much last night.
No, to be honest. I have my son, that's all I need. If my W wants to spend this holiday with trash, that's on her. As you read, I offered my W time to spend with him Monday and she brushed it off like I was unloading a chore on her. Her loss. Create the memories with your child, be their parent. I work to show my boy the kind of love he used to get from his family. Case in point: About an hour ago he bumped his nose, it both scared him and it bled a little. She used to practically knock me out of the way to comfort him when he cried. I dropped everything, ran to him and he hugged me hard.
Thanks for the support.. been spending some quality time with D, played a board game yesterday and went on a small hike. Today will go to Church and then maybe fishing in the evening... Good all around time spent with her.
So how far have you all "detached" from your S?
I admit that after 5 months I'm still struggling and think of her often... I've been doing fine with my GAL, and avoiding contact unless necessary but still I miss her.
A few things to ponder....
I still have the family photos up at home, W still frequents the house so doing anything with them would certainly be noticed... she's still got a family picture on her desk at home too although she barely sits there anymore.
I still have pictures of her/family up at my desk at work... I took them down early on and then put them back up. It's a reminder I'm still married but sometimes it hurts to look at them.
I still find myself noticing her activity on FB and other social activities.
I still do things every now and then for her but only if asked and only when it is convenient for me.
In many ways she's still pretending to the outside world we are still a couple, or at least not openly declaring that we are separated. (she skirts the question or deflects whenever asked to do something). I on the other hand have become more open to the outside that we are separated.
I've separated finances and am trying to maintain boundaries around parenting and access to the house etc - but I can definitely be a lot more firm here.
On another note, I've recently taken notice to a girl at work... yes I know workplace relationships are bad, and I'm not free to date right now but it's nice getting some attention. It hasn't gone any further then water-cooler type conversation when I bump in to her getting coffee but we both have that sort of "shy/awkward" smile that I believe there's some attraction there. I'm still wearing my wedding ring but attention is nice and does make me wonder what if....
On another note, I've recently taken notice to a girl at work... yes I know workplace relationships are bad, and I'm not free to date right now but it's nice getting some attention. It hasn't gone any further then water-cooler type conversation when I bump in to her getting coffee but we both have that sort of "shy/awkward" smile that I believe there's some attraction there. I'm still wearing my wedding ring but attention is nice and does make me wonder what if....
This is good. Makes you feel like a million bucks. Don't be afraid of it. Your wife has put you through a lot for quite a while now. This is for you and I know you like it. It would certainly make your wife figure out really quick if she wants this M or not if she thinks she might lose you. Nothing does that quicker than you getting the attention of someone else. All the therapy and psycho-babble in the world doesn't hold a candle to a person seeing that someone else is interested in their spouse. That snaps people out of the fog quicker and more effectively than anything else. Detachment and moving on are a close second but nothing like a member of the opposite sex sniffing around. Leave the ring at home. My wife strung me along for two years until I started leaving the ring at home and casually seeing people of the opposite sex. That snapped her out of her MLC in a nanosecond. Don't underestimate its power.
TxHubby - interesting thoughts... but W has said in the past that I'm free to date, off-course these could just be idle comments without any sincerity.
I have been contemplating taking the ring off... but not sure I can pull myself to do it, my vows/commitment were to wear it till death do us part. I've rarely taken it off other than when I'm swimming or golfing.
I agree the attention is nice. I applaud you for sticking it out for 2 years. I often wonder if I can go the stretch.
Rough morning this morning as D10 said to me she misses Mommy, I sympathized with her and said I miss her too...
As I read through the many threads here, it seems that most of you are communicating regularly with your S on some level (good/bad what have you).
I've been very limited in my conversation with W, usually tactical in nature with very few words... I'm wondering if this is somehow backfiring on me though - one of our challenges pre BD was that we didn't communicate well and I think she found that I was boring and not fun to be around.
Wondering how I can perhaps shift this perception, I know one of the golden rules is to not initiate conversation, but if I don't how can I demonstrate some level of change?
When she's around it's like we both avoid each other and say the bare minimum possible. It definitely creates a tense environment... Even though I'm acting very friendly and happy - especially around my D.
PacLove
On the "rings" and dating thing what has held me back other than my commitment to W are the facts that it could be used against me "look at him - he's eviiil" and the possible impact on any NG if she decides to turn towards me.
I've been very limited in my conversation with W, usually tactical in nature with very few words... I'm wondering if this is somehow backfiring on me though - one of our challenges pre BD was that we didn't communicate well and I think she found that I was boring and not fun to be around.
Wondering how I can perhaps shift this perception, I know one of the golden rules is to not initiate conversation, but if I don't how can I demonstrate some level of change?
When she's around it's like we both avoid each other and say the bare minimum possible. It definitely creates a tense environment... Even though I'm acting very friendly and happy - especially around my D.
With our kids being grown I have
no opportunities to interact with W. She has only contacted "me" once since she moved out (a text about an accident in the village - following up on a text from me the prior day). I've sent her a few messages about "tactical" things as well as one email where I added on some words of love and comfort. Silence in return.
No clue from me on "is this working" as well and I hate feeling that I'm not doing all I possibly can to pull her back to me. That's where DBing is so counter-intuitive but on one side makes sense. She has to "want" to come back without being dragged or it's not real enough. It has to be her choice and not forced through circumstances. Thinking of it that way helps but the silence is deafening.
I'm fortunate that I have some great vets posting on my thread who assure me that she does know that I love her and want her to come hope and that she's watching me. I've found indications as well that she "is" indeed watching me "very" closely but that could just be her paranoia
Hey AndrewP
Thanks for the response - yes the other side of taking the ring off or dating is the impact it has on my D10 - right now she sees me as the stable Dad and Husband - I'm showing her what commitment is and how to not give up.
I unfortunately don't get a sense that my W is watching me... if anything I think she's trying to detach from me more and more... interactions are becoming less frequent and communication is becoming more on an as "needed" basis. (I'm pretty sure OM and IC are pushing her towards this detaching - even though she may not want to).
She did however reach out last week for help with something which caught me by surprise (since it's probably something OM could have helped with) and she still likes my posts on FB... so perhaps in some weird way she's watching me/testing me.
I unfortunately don't get a sense that my W is watching me...
<snip>
she still likes my posts on FB... so perhaps in some weird way she's watching me/testing me.
PacLove - It may be possible that you've moved into her "friend-zone" and she's just happy-clicking.
For me starting on BD1 my W stopped "liking" anything I posted. Her own activity after BD1 was driving me nuts watching the wild swings from angst to euphoria in what she was "liking". I eventually had to ask my SILs to watch her feed for me and let me know if anything significant changed. The last I heard from them her Facebook activity has swung to pretty much nothing shortly after move-out day from being pretty major before that - not sure if that's meaningful or not.
yes the other side of taking the ring off or dating is the impact it has on my D10 - right now she sees me as the stable Dad and Husband - I'm showing her what commitment is and how to not give up.
This sounds so sweet, honorable, steadfast, and such a wonderful father.....to want to sacrifice this for his little girl.
Well, I am calling it b.s.
You are the one who is wanting the security and commitment. You are using your child as your cover.
The other view of that picture you are creating, is showing D10 that once she gets M, she will be able to run around, leave her home and family, and have an affair......
free of any consequences.....and her H will hold down the fort, take care of her kids, while he waits/hopes for her to go back home.
So, continue to be a stable, loving dad who gives her a home. But don't use her to cover your own fear and weaknesses.
Sandi,
My D doesn't know about the affair... So I don't think she sees that. Maybe later in life but certainly not now. How do you suggest I handle it with her?
You know I'm starting to wonder now if my W experienced any infidelity as a child. Something we never talked about....
W officially moves out at the end of the month and I'm planning to further firm up boundaries then.
Thinking about it more and more - I think my W is getting "comfortable" with the sich... Contemplating on how I can further firm up the boundaries with her pending move coming up at end of the month.
Came across a great song today with powerful lyrics... can't post the link but search for "I Won't Give Up" - inspiration?
Also for those Catholics out there - check out yesterday's Gospel ;-)
Need advice... Got contacted today by a recruiter for a fairly prestigious company. So want to tell W about it. Partially to get her advice and partially to impress her.
The downside is I'm hesitant to approach a new job right now with my sich. My current employer has been more than fair with me through this life transition and moving jobs would take a toll on my ability to be there for D.
Need advice... Got contacted today by a recruiter for a fairly prestigious company. So want to tell W about it. Partially to get her advice and partially to impress her.
The downside is I'm hesitant to approach a new job right now with my sich. My current employer has been more than fair with me through this life transition and moving jobs would take a toll on my ability to be there for D.
PacLove - I faced this exact issue. Pre BD1 i was looking for new challenges. On BD1 I was rocked but still kept at it but was worried how much I'd be able to cope with the additional stress. I actually was very close to an offer (I believe) just before BD2. W was unhappy about the risks of me changing jobs and passive-agressive pushed against it. After BD2 I decided that my MR needed my whole attention and then dropped the search. About 3 months ago though something dropped into my lap and I followed up on it - still waiting to hear back.
Just like you, I thought that W would be excited for me and keen on the new role. More money, better quality of life, better benefits. She was so wrapped up in herself that even though she tried (I think) to be happy "for me" she didn't have any focus on it at all.
So - don't follow up on the role for your W. Do it for you but first think hard about if you are in a healthy enough place to give it your focus. I worry about that a lot myself.
Thanks Andrew P. Funny - similarly to you I was looking after BD1 - but I had to move, company was getting acquired. I stepped up into a new role (promotion) but with a lesser known company, thought W would get excited but she was very negative about the change. She had been complaining for years for me to move and all of a sudden I get the new challenge and she was dead against it.
I think it was largely due to the fact she knew she'd be moving out and didn't want the added stress... plus the new job short term would be less $'s but longer term had more potential upside. (moving out she was probably only thinking short term)
Job has been great and Boss has been great and understanding through this all - so it's hard to turn my back on that now after only a year in.
Need advice... Got contacted today by a recruiter for a fairly prestigious company. So want to tell W about it. Partially to get her advice and partially to impress her.
The downside is I'm hesitant to approach a new job right now with my sich. My current employer has been more than fair with me through this life transition and moving jobs would take a toll on my ability to be there for D.
Only so many great opportunities come along in life. Turn them down and you'll regret it.
While intriguing, it doesn't sound like the role is the best fit for me right now - and is skewed heavily to the work side in work/life balance - so think I'm going to pass.
Had an amazing weekend with D - she broke down though twice about W and asked if we are getting a D. I think reality is starting to set in especially with W talking about her new place she's going to have in Oct.
Are any of you liking your WAW FB posts? She keeps liking mine. I know not doesn't mean much but we are supposed to be "nice" but aloof... And not noticing/liking could be seen as spiteful when everyone else is liking them.
PacLove - it really depends. I think we're on very different paths but with similar questions. For me I'm doing my best at leaving W alone to travel her own journey. She left to get away from me (she said to get away from the "noise" and try to decide on where her path lies) so other than in very rare circumstances such as a mutual close friend we hardly ever "like" the same things.
In your case I stand by my earlier comment that you've been moved into the "friend-zone". Is that a tunnel that has cheese in it? I'm not sure. You refer to your W as a WAW. Is she seeming happy in her new life? Doing the "friend" thing and paying attention to her feed and reciprocating in the "likes" keeps that channel of communication open and you on her radar. I can't see it doing any "harm" other than the fact that she's not feeling the loss of you at all.
It may be a bit drastic and perhaps tough. I know it would be tough for me but as a 180 and experiment perhaps shut down Facebook altogether for a week. Don't even log in. You could post something about you taking a break so your other friends don't worry. If your W reaches out to you in other ways then you'll know that she's been watching you and caring about what you are up to. If not - then well - friend zone.
Thanks AndrewP - yeah I try not to think much of it - she's not very active on FB - logs in about 1x a week as far as I can tell...
So W's weekend with D10 and was around the home... a few things transpired which I thought were interesting.
W was pretty talkative throughout the weekend - most we've talked in a while but mostly just tactical stuff.
W asked for help with moving some of the stuff for when her place becomes available in 2 weeks, I politely said that she'll have to figure it out on her own - as I'm not supporting her to move out. She responded that she didn't have anyone... She then went on to say that I've been feeding D10 info about her leaving etc. etc... I responded that I would not do that to the person I love and respect (yeah probably not a good DB move but I said it)
Later on she pushes me again on this, I simply said that D10 is smart enough to know what's going on... I don't think she sees it this way unfortunately and blames me for creating a bad image of her which I've done nothing of the sort.
It was really a strange weekend got a mix of hot and cold all weekend - I think some of it AndrewP as you say is her trying to be in the "friend zone" as no where did she really hint at any type of R.
Next few weeks should be interesting as she permanently moves out.
Ugh trigger today, as I sat in a 3 hour meeting with a guy that oddly resembles OM... I kept thinking about what is my W thinking??
Yeesh. I've had those too and I can feel my heart beating through my chest. I would have been thinking something else...
betterm
I too was eating rotten egg cake, I am not the type of guy to live in the same house as someone who doesn't respect me or the vows that where taken. I did however not try to force her out, I just left. I don't think she thought I would and now that we are nearing the holidays her head is slightly out of the clouds. She builds the "custody calendar" and it is going well. But she had to put it in writing last night that she will not see the S13 on Turkey day. I gave her Christmas but it still hit her pretty hard. Her head didn't come out enough to admit that she would miss me on the holidays but I can only hope some of those feelings arose. She has had several A's over the course of 8-10 years of our 21y M. So after she asked me to be patient, and told me it was time for her to be selfish now, I realized that I cannot let either of those things happen while being M'd, so I filed. Another reason I filed for D was because again, without her willingness to move forward, admit her fault, show remorse. I know that I would not be able to trust her ever again.
Are any of you liking your WAW FB posts? She keeps liking mine. I know not doesn't mean much but we are supposed to be "nice" but aloof... And not noticing/liking could be seen as spiteful when everyone else is liking them.
I unfriended my WW. But FB was a huge trigger for me to "go looking" I didn't want to see her happy life posts anymore. After all that went down, that action was what P'd her off the most. Go figure.
I unfriended WS too. I couldn't stand to see the posts about his happy new life. I unfriended MIL, FIL, SIL, and BIL too because watching them rally around my cheating WS and support him was more than I could handle.
I unfriended WS too. I couldn't stand to see the posts about his happy new life. I unfriended MIL, FIL, SIL, and BIL too because watching them rally around my cheating WS and support him was more than I could handle.
It't a good form of detachment, which is very difficult to do. Once I set the detachment wheels in motion the momentum carried me. I moved out, moved on and started to enjoy life again. If you can just stay off of FB, but for me its how I keep in touch with my family.