previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2681284&page=11Zing... and there they are. Served via email. followed up with several texts from my W.
---
"I sent you a bunch of email from attorney, the wording is super harsh and I hate it, and I'm so sorry. I do love you. I just don't feel we are right for one another. I've felt this way for a while and I know you have too. We've always lacked passion and spark, it's time we both choose to be happy."
"I wish and hope we could sit and talk"
---
I'm putting my phone on airplane mode, and gotta get the eff outta here for a minute... I knew it was here/coming, and thought I was ready... but I'm ready to rage, and I need a breather. I feel like screaming and breaking things!
betterm,
I'm sorry!
betterm,
I am sorry. What a horrible feeling. We are here for you! Vent away!
Thank you both for your concerns... I am not in a state to vent yet, I'm still at a loss of words and stumbling around trying to wrap myself around this.
My W just called me and I didn't answer. I really just do not want to talk to her at all right now, or probably for a few days... I hope she's not planning on forcing this 'talk' and waiting for me at home tonight when get off work.
betterm,
Yeah, give it plenty of time before talking to her. I hope you have some friends or family to hang out with this evening. My thoughts are with you; I know how tough it is.
I'd like to just not go home tonight after work, but I don't trust her to take care of the dogs (and she knows this)
... it's like a trap.
Quick question, if she IS at the house, do I remain LRT "positive and upbeat?" this is going to be so difficult to do. I feel like I will come across with "sorrow and grief" instead.
Nevermind, I'm good. I'm in a little bit of a state of panic, but I'm good. I'll calm down and continue my path.
Man I'm sorry to hear this
I remember being served the first time around
Reading it and wondering how in the hell did two people love each other get to this point.
It certainly is tough what you are going no through
I would still clear of any talk with W at the moment
If she is there, just say, "I respect your decision. I don't think divorce is the solution. I will can continue to work in myself and I don't want to discuss this right now."
If she pushes just ask her to respect your wishes.
If she continues to push then do your very best to just walk away
It's going to be hard
But you know your emotions are at a volcanic level and nothing good will come from having a talk with her right now
Man i got mine via email also. 20 days to respond. I'm going the full 20 days. Talked to my lawyer today. got to come up with some major money, but will be worth every penny. I'm feeling really good after talking to my lawyer. Not sure if its normal, but I feel at peace for the first time. hang in there.
I would still clear of any talk with W at the moment
If she is there, just say, "I respect your decision. I don't think divorce is the solution. I will can continue to work in myself and I don't want to discuss this right now."
If she pushes just ask her to respect your wishes.
If she continues to push then do your very best to just walk away
It's going to be hard
But you know your emotions are at a volcanic level and nothing good will come from having a talk with her right now
Heed this advice it is very good.
Do not mix emotions with divorce proceedings. View it as business and taking care of the family. It is much easier said than done I know, but the moment I got a hold of myself as that train started rolling, I felt more in control than when I let the emotions and words in the paperwork and even my first meeting with my L get to me.
That first meeting with my L was so gross, but after I removed the emotion it has not been bad, cept the bill when it comes in, but that's a whole other story.
Hang in there brother. It sux, but you will survive it. Keep a level head.
Man i got mine via email also. 20 days to respond. I'm going the full 20 days.
yeah, 20 days it is. I don't think I'll base my timeline/signing entirely on that though. If I hold back, it may be seen as controlling/fighting the decision. I meet with my L on Wed of next week. I already fwd her all the paperwork I received, so I'll just take it as it comes and see how I'm feeling about it then.
I would still clear of any talk with W at the moment
If she pushes just ask her to respect your wishes.
Thanks cbt. I know the drill, she's so dayum manipulative. I need to just keep my cool and execute. Execute what? I'm not entirely sure if my "plan" changes at this point or not. Right now, I'm thinking now, there is still plenty of time for me to do my own thing.
Heed this advice it is very good.
Do not mix emotions with divorce proceedings. View it as business and taking care of the family. That first meeting with my L was so gross, but after I removed the emotion it has not been bad, cept the bill when it comes in, but that's a whole other story.
Hang in there brother. It sux, but you will survive it. Keep a level head.
I plan on taking that advice for sure. One thing about my sitch is no kids, so no custody battle nonsense. I would think I could keep our attorney costs under the retainer, as long as she doesn't try some crazy chit.
And you're right, it does suck. I've posted on this thread I don't know how many times, but I've wrote and thought about it 100x more. I think I could/would be happier without her, she's a very difficult person to handle(not a single person who knows her well would disagree), but I love her like crazy. I don't want this to end, but I can't fight her on the decision. It's just another phase.
Me not answering her 2 calls and texts regarding the D, has now led her to turn back into getting a response out of me at all. She's turned focus to money and asked what I bought online today and what was it for? (It's pet supplies), but I won't be responding to those either. I don't WANT to ignore her, but I really don't feel obligated to answer her mundane questions like this. If she has a problem of what I'm spending money on, she can take it to the L (yep, TRO placed on financials and assets, pretty common I'd suppose, but as far as I know, there is no spending limit on transactions.)
Just finished working out... Had a hard time finding my "umphh" on this one...
Just finished working out... Had a hard time finding my "umphh" on this one...
Okay betterm, a little setback and now you're getting all whiny on me. I want you to do 10 "yo bitches" for me (instructions below).
Yo bitch instructions:
1. Stand facing a mirror.
2. With an outstretched arm, hold your hand upright with your palm facing out.
3. Say, "Yo bitch, tell it to the hand!"
4. Wave your other hand and snap your fingers to accentuate step 3.
Practice until perfected. Then use it on yo WW as needed.
(I'm trying to show my softer side; no more boxes and tape for doodler.)
Just got a late surprise stop in from STBX. I was sitting out back and she just appeared out of no where. Said "Hey, I just stopped in to say hi". I said, "oh, well hi, sorry you caught me off by surprise."
She asked how I was and I said I'm doing fine. There was a long silence, and she said, well, I guess I'll leave. I walked inside with her and she started playing with the cat. Lasted about 20 seconds, and she started tearing up, then just said "okay, I'll see ya later" and out she went. I told her bye and that was it...
There were so many things I wanted to say, and I said none. I don't know why she came over, but I know it wasn't "just to say hi". I feel like she was waiting for me to strike up conversation about D, and I never did.
I wanted to hug her, hold her, tell her how I felt about the situation. I know it wouldn't have been the "right" thing to so, but I can't say I don't regret not doing so.
betterm,
I'm sorry that was an awkward situation. It sounds like you handled it well from a DB perspective. I never know what to do or say in those surprise moments and I often react off of emotions (i.e., usually not good). Hopefully some of the vets will provide you with some input.
From a DB perspective, I definitely don't feel I did anything "wrong" during that situation. I knew if I ignored her texts for long enough, she'd force the issue and show up at the house at some point, I just didn't think it would be so soon (the same frickin' day as I got the D papers).
I think she came over with intent to have a quick "talk", but when I didn't open up to her at all, didn't ask anything about her decision, etc... she quickly backtracked and probably decided it wasn't a good idea to come over. The whole thing last all of about 3 minutes before she started tearing up and showed herself out the door.
Every time in the past I'd been excited to see her in these passing by's. This time, however, I really wasn't. I wasn't rude, but since receiving papers, maybe it's different. I felt an inner "i don't care" or "disrespect" towards my W. She's made her decision, and her text basically says "I have chosen to be happier in my life without you in it." And that's a painful thing to hear someone you love say. So I guess it's all adding up, I don't know.
I was going to at least wait the 72 hour window before responding to anything from her, and now, unless I see some window of opportunity that's better for me, I'll probably just put it all on hold until I meet with me L again on Wednesday of next week... 7 days of basically no contact? Hmph, I dunno.
Every time in the past I'd been excited to see her in these passing by's. This time, however, I really wasn't. I wasn't rude, but since receiving papers, maybe it's different. I felt an inner "i don't care" or "disrespect" towards my W. She's made her decision, and her text basically says "I have chosen to be happier in my life without you in it." And that's a painful thing to hear someone you love say. So I guess it's all adding up, I don't know.
betterm,
I understand the inner "I don't care." I'd had a similar experience. I'd always tried to be happy and supportive of my wife but there was only so much pummeling I could take and then there was the "straw that broke the camel's back" moment and I just couldn't continue to allow her to treat me that way anymore.
You handled that great!!
Good job betterm
I think you are right on cue to put the 72 hour window into effect here. She is likely torn on her decision to file. She probably as friends or family pushing her to do so, but she may not want this in the end. If you don't want a D, then let her do everything. Yes you need to be prepared, but let her do all the heavy lifting when it comes to the process. You just keep working on the best you. If she text you or stops by just say you need to time to process all of this and that you will talk to her about it after that time has passed.
Good job. Hang in there
You handled that great!!
Good job betterm
I think you are right on cue to put the 72 hour window into effect here. She is likely torn on her decision to file. She probably as friends or family pushing her to do so, but she may not want this in the end.
I don't want to "predict" too much, but I think you're right on with this. I know she spewed all of our MR problems to her friends and family and they soaked it up and fed it right back to her. I've read a lot about W's feeling "trapped" and so they don't know anything other to do than file for D. It's not uncommon that W's file out of pure confusion and influence.
Especially with her back and forth of leading up to this moment of "i don't want a divorce", "we have 60 days to resolve this", "i don't know what else to do, i feel like I've tried everything". etc etc. It's the common "trapped" feeling that forces a W to file.
However, I'm taking everything with a grain of salt during this. Her confusion, is not my concern right now, and I can't get optimistic that I can turn this thing around by influencing her one way or the other. All I can do is "do me" and if she thinks she has made the wrong choice before it's all said and done, we can talk about that when the time comes. But I don't think I'll be initiating any MR conversations.
betterm,
What about the EA? You have "known EA" in your signature. Do you think the OM is a major influence?
I'm a little conflicted on my feelings of EA/OM. I quit thinking about it all together, thinking if she's going to do it, she's going to do it. I haven't snooped in over a week and it's been 100x more peaceful for me. Thanks for making me want to snoop again, doodler! Jk, I'm not putting myself through that anymore.
The EA was heavy back the week of 4/2. I saw some texts where she basically said 'I have to stop talking to you" around 4/10. It went dead for 3-4 weeks, other than 1-2 texts from him to her during this time (she never responded). Then, around 5/10, she was responding a bit, and shortly after, it turned to 3,5,10,15 minute phone calls. I haven't snooped since I confronted her, and don't plan on it anymore.
He's married, coming up on 2 years too, he's not 'handsome', he's kind of unintelligent, but he listened to her I'm sure. Him and his wife (and both families) are very 'christian value' religious. (Har Har Har!) I just try not to think about it for now. I've already "forgiven" her for whatever happened, and I'll take blame for creating the void in her that allowed her to stray. I don't forgive the action of the EA (or PA if it happened), but I do forgive the person committing the action (including myself, which I'm still working on).
I honestly don't think he's a MAJOR influencer, as I don't see him leaving his W, but you never know. I'm sure he is a valid influencer, as someone who's shown my wife she is worthy of being listened to, cared for, and respected by other men... His W's sister is married to a friend of mine, so I could always gather intel if I wanted to, but honestly, I just don't care about knowing that kind of stuff right now. That doesn't help me focus on me.
I was served D papers yesterday. Like I said, All I can do right now is do me. Not worry about what others are doing in life, whether right or wrong.
That is a great attitude to have regarding to that.
Keep it up!
That is a great attitude to have regarding to that.
Keep it up!
I haven't snooped in over a week and it's been 100x more peaceful for me.
Cbt, I know you struggle with this, so if it makes you feel any better... the "day I stopped snooping", was also the day I threw my mountain bike in my truck, and went from place to place riding around where I thought she may be hanging out with OM... so, ummm, I'm not the best either. but, it was that night, that I decided to stop snooping. We all struggle with it, I guess you could say that was my rock bottom... i realized, 'this just isnt' right'... <sadface>, but betterm has come out aheaad since then!
oh yeah, did I tell you all, I received my financial/asset TRO yesterday, yet somehow, I'm buying a motorcycle tonight. vroom vroom!
I hope you're doing well today. I'll tell you, after seeing my lawyer yesterday I'm feeling a lot better. still not sure what I'm going to say when the petitioner drops the kids off Sunday. I'm going to try to say very little, I have a feeling she's going to try to bait me into something. I may just go with the "I respect your decision. I don't think divorce is the solution. I will continue to work on myself and I don't want to discuss this right now."
oh yeah, did I tell you all, I received my financial/asset TRO yesterday, yet somehow, I'm buying a motorcycle tonight. vroom vroom!
I'm jealous!
I hope you're doing well today. I'll say "I respect your decision. I don't think divorce is the solution. I will continue to work on myself and I don't want to discuss this right now."
I'm doing pretty good...better than expected, thanks for asking. I'm glad you found some ease after seeing your L. And your plans on what to say seem to be the go to mantra of the DB coaches and people on this forum. I've modified it into a couple different ways (with my other ball-buster coach), just because I was tired of sounding like a broken record. Same message using I statements, just different verbiage.
She will try to bait you in, but remember:
You should feel that your in total control of everything. She's already in control of the decisions she's made, and the actions she chooses, it's your job to remain in total control of your decisions, your actions and your responses to others actions, no matter how crazy they are.
oh yeah, did I tell you all, I received my financial/asset TRO yesterday, yet somehow, I'm buying a motorcycle tonight. vroom vroom!
I'm jealous!
Yep, my brother's basically awesome. buying it for me under his name, and I'll buy for $1 after this is all done with (along with pay him back)
Nice!! Enjoy the bike!
Good times for sure
That is a great attitude to have regarding to that.
Keep it up!
I haven't snooped in over a week and it's been 100x more peaceful for me.
Cbt, I know you struggle with this, so if it makes you feel any better... the "day I stopped snooping", was also the day I threw my mountain bike in my truck, and went from place to place riding around where I thought she may be hanging out with OM... so, ummm, I'm not the best either. but, it was that night, that I decided to stop snooping. We all struggle with it, I guess you could say that was my rock bottom... i realized, 'this just isnt' right'... <sadface>, but betterm has come out aheaad since then!
not snooping definitely makes things a lot more peaceful... the curiosity is still there daily however and that's the toughest to get rid of "not knowing". So here here to stop snooping!!
I've pretty much stopped all snooping to confirm OM presence, but there are other little things that still get me (ie seeing her presence on IM, or FB, or what she's watching on Streaming video) these are hard to avoid though unless I disconnect from her on IM/FB and stop sharing our streaming accounts with her.
but there are other little things that still get me (ie seeing her presence on IM, or FB, or what she's watching on Streaming video) these are hard to avoid though unless I disconnect from her on IM/FB and stop sharing our streaming accounts with her.
Like I said before, I don't have facebook, I hate facebook actually. I don't do 'social media', and this forum is the closest I've been to 'social media' since BBS (do you all know what that is?)
I do know that FB has an "unfollow" option that allows peoples post to NOT show up in your timeline, but doesn't cause you to 'unfriend' them, or whatever it's called. you might want to look into this.
As for the streaming stuff, Won't they let you setup different users on the accounts? Like user1 = "iStandAlone", and user2 = "CrazyPsychoWoman" ? At least that way you can set each device to log into your account only and you won't see all the stupid crap like bachelorette recommendations
I was talking to a friend of mine who's recently recovered his relationship from some pretty serious damage (2 PA's, lots of MC/IC etc).
He was saying that my W's activity, her actions right now, are very similar to what he was dealing with. WW was saying she wants him out of the house, wants separation, etc.
But once she got into IC/MC, it was discovered she didn't REALLY want those things, but what she REALLY wanted, was for him, the LBS, to show her that he's committed, that he's serious about making the relationship work for the future, that she can trust him to protect her heart
I said, yeah, that's all fine and great for you and your crazy wife, and I wish it was that easy, but it's just not happening right now.
When she showed up last night to "just say hi", my emotions did tell me that "HEY THIS IS YOUR WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY TO PROVE YOURSELF TO HER"... And, I don't know how in the world I didn't jump all over that change to "prove myself", but I think I'm glad I didn't. I know I've already posted about this, but I have ran that scenario through my head a hundred times today, analyzing what happened, why it happened, why she showed up at all, and how i could've handled it better...
...because still, right now, I feel like I missed an opportunity. I hope I'm just overthinking things again. Needs to stop.
You didn't miss an opportunity. You gave yourself time to let your emotions play out of it. The 72 hour window is a very good thing for you right now. She will give you another opportunity to discuss it if that's what she was doing there. Don't overthink the 72 hour window
Process your emotions
When she showed up last night to "just say hi", my emotions did tell me that "HEY THIS IS YOUR WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY TO PROVE YOURSELF TO HER"... And, I don't know how in the world I didn't jump all over that change to "prove myself", but I think I'm glad I didn't. I know I've already posted about this, but I have ran that scenario through my head a hundred times today, analyzing what happened, why it happened, why she showed up at all, and how i could've handled it better...
...because still, right now, I feel like I missed an opportunity. I hope I'm just overthinking things again. Needs to stop.
betterm - I struggle with this exact same question every time she opens the door... do I let her in or not. It's perhaps the one concept in DB that I struggle with the most. I not text/email, GAL, do my own thing, but when she engages - it is an opportunity in my mind to show her that I do respect her and do love her and can be there for her (which have been some of the marital issues).
I think this is where the "validation" part comes in, if they reach out and talk you can validate, but don't necessarily initiate - which is what I've been trying hard to do.
Did your friend state how they reconciled? I think as long as an OM is in the picture its very tough - their mind is somewhere else.
but there are other little things that still get me (ie seeing her presence on IM, or FB, or what she's watching on Streaming video) these are hard to avoid though unless I disconnect from her on IM/FB and stop sharing our streaming accounts with her.
Like I said before, I don't have facebook, I hate facebook actually. I don't do 'social media', and this forum is the closest I've been to 'social media' since BBS (do you all know what that is?)
I do know that FB has an "unfollow" option that allows peoples post to NOT show up in your timeline, but doesn't cause you to 'unfriend' them, or whatever it's called. you might want to look into this.
As for the streaming stuff, Won't they let you setup different users on the accounts? Like user1 = "iStandAlone", and user2 = "CrazyPsychoWoman" ? At least that way you can set each device to log into your account only and you won't see all the stupid crap like bachelorette recommendations
Ahh the good old days of BBS and 2400 baud modems ;-) yeah she doesn't post much - it's more when I see her "liking" posts by me, family or friends. for Video yeah NF has a profile feature but the other big one doesn't and it shows history back more than a year if you look for it!
Ahh the good old days of BBS and 2400 baud modems.
The poor-mouthing starts: My first modem was 1200 baud. I used it to connect to the university's mainframe so I could do my statistics homework using MiniTab. I also had a CompuServe account. And, of course, I downloaded tons of crappy software from BBSs. Them was the days...
W continues to text me about "money stuff" to try and get a response. I'm waiting things out and don't plan on responding to anything in regards to this kind of crap. It's "trust" related crap, "where are you getting the money for XYZ? I don't see any transactions from our joint checking"... someone silence her please...
I'm just hoping I don't get any more surprise late night visits until I can fully wrap my head around this and figure out 'what comes next'...
W continues to text me about "money stuff" to try and get a response. I'm waiting things out and don't plan on responding to anything in regards to this kind of crap. It's "trust" related crap, "where are you getting the money for XYZ? I don't see any transactions from our joint checking"... someone silence her please...
I'm just hoping I don't get any more surprise late night visits until I can fully wrap my head around this and figure out 'what comes next'...
I got a similar line of questioning from my W this past weekend when we had some overlap time... I simply retorted that I don't waste my money on certain luxuries she's continued to maintain (ie spa, nails...) I was actually surprised by her response, it could have easily led to a fight but she laughed it off saying she enjoys those.
Well. Here's a new one...
"STBX texts me out of the blue again... This time it doesn't involve money.... It just says..
"On a scale 1-10. Kids?"
.. We have no kids, and she knows we both wanted them (I didn't in beginning, but firmly said yes before marriage.
... Is this some kind of trick question?
betterm,
Wow! What else can I say?
Betterm,
She is so conflicted. If you give her anything to chew on mentally, I'll reach right through this computer and smack you!
She HAS to work this out on her own. She's asking for your validation for her to feel the feelings she's had in her heart for a while - she wants both worlds.
Honey, you have to pick. One or the other.
YOU have to help her make that choice. Giving in will let her live in both worlds. It's a no-no.
If anything has to be said, you can let her know you appreciate the texts, but until further notice, you're taking time out to process everything that just happened in your life. You would appreciate all the space possible, and you are more than happy to provide the same.
No kids makes this much easier.
You will need to mourn the loss of the marriage. Imagine her dying. It will be very, very hard. You will go on the divorce diet without knowing it, and lose some weight. It's ok.
Work out. I mean, make a plan. You have WAAAAYYY too much energy right now. It has to get burned off.
Reconnect with male friends and if possible male brothers. You need male companionship, which sounds opposite of what you're craving, but you need to take a bit of the 'red-pill' and get more comfortable in your manhood.
You can do this. I am watching you. I am rooting for you to win, and save the marriage. Do what I say - do what Sandi says. (I hope they agree!)
You have played a tremendous game of catch with your wife. It's time to catch the ball, pull off the mitt, and walk home. The game is done. You need to act as if there will no longer be a game of catch with your wife - ever.
Tough to say. Tougher to act on. You can do it.
It's a good thing I don't act on gut Reactions anymore. I don't even wanna tell you all what my response was gonna be if I did.
Trumpet, thank you for your input. Not sure if your entirely caught up on my story, but last time you posted for me it was "grieve the loss of your wife and start a new plan". I remember it very well.
I dont have any weight to lose, I'm 34 and at high school weight. I'm taking carbo gain supplements, eating 2600-2800 calories daily and doing a workout program. I'm trying everything I can to put in pounds.
For the text. I do not plan on responding. But my STBX is very manipulative and controlling, if I ignore these without response, she'll show up here again like she did last night. Which, thankfully, I was able to just chill and not spew my feelings all over her.
I thought I was doing good. Your post makes feel like I should be doing better!
Betterm,
She HAS to work this out on her own. She's asking for your validation for her to feel the feelings she's had in her heart for a while - she wants both worlds.
Honey, you have to pick. One or the other.
YOU have to help her make that choice. Giving in will let her live in both worlds. It's a no-no.
Forgive me but I'm a little confused on this so if you could clarify just a bit? She's filed for D. yet, she's still asking these questions for me to see what I want in my future, etc. or maybe she's just testing me...
But I have to 'pick'. I'm not sure what I'm picking... me over her? or just not to communicate with her about MR talk? To focus on bettering me while NOT talking to her about this crap? If she continues to initiate and force MR talk, do I ignore her or just leave and go dark?
I've already decided if she came back today and said she's sorry and wants to work on us, I won't give in easily. A lot of my self-reflection has lead to direct discovery of her problems, and I don't want these patterns of the past to repeat themselves. I won't join forces unless she's willing to work out her own issues.
I know I've made a lot of progress in dropping my habits of why I'm doing what during this time. I know there's a lot of progress to be made still though. I really appreciate all your posts.
It seems crazy. with time ticking away, I'm suppose to just ignore all MR conversation (well, not ignore, but validate?) until ... not SHE decides to come back, but I decide to take her back? So strange... but isn't it all.
betterm,
I have no advice; the kids thing through me for a loop and she's not even my wife.
Have you seen LiM's latest posts? I realize he's in a different stage of the process but he talks about the possibility that he reconciled a little too soon.
I hope you get things figured out.
I'll check out his thread. But I've seen several threads, and stories outside or DB, talking about 'taking them back too soon'. And how many have turned into horror stories, or the pattern is repeating itself for another go around.
Now, I realize "she left me" and "it's all my fault", but the tables are turned now. She filed, I'm not trying to "win her back" at all, anymore. According to trumpet, she died in some unknown mystery death, and for my life choices need to be my own from here on out. Maybe that involves becomes a monk, maybe it involves dating new people one day, maybe it involves somehow reconciling with my dead wife's corpse? I dunno. I'm just taking this one thing at a time, and usually I don't even understand whata happening. Haha.
Forgive me but I'm a little confused on this so if you could clarify just a bit? She's filed for D. yet, she's still asking these questions for me to see what I want in my future, etc. or maybe she's just testing me...
She seems to have made a heavy-handed play with the D and is wishy-washy about what she's done. She's temp checking to see what type of reaction she gets, I'm sure. Right now, with the behavior you've described, no reaction is your best bet. Remain light and breezy around her and let your L deal with her L. Keep doing what your doing...its all good and remember. This sitch has been very short compared to many here...don't expect it to be a quick fix.
But I have to 'pick'. I'm not sure what I'm picking... me over her? or just not to communicate with her about MR talk? To focus on bettering me while NOT talking to her about this crap? If she continues to initiate and force MR talk, do I ignore her or just leave and go dark?
You aren't "picking". She's an emotionally reactive mess trying to bully you into doing what she wants...and she doesn't know what that is. What good is MR talk going to do right now? Focus on you and let your L protect you. Play a solid defense while your W tires herself out trying to come up with attacks that will drain her (and her resources). LRT until she seems to seriously want to R instead of manipulate...you'll know the difference. By the way...this seems so often misconstrued, but it is US that should not be bringing up R. If the S wants to...let them! But just listen and validate. They are the one who is upset enough to end the relationship.
I've already decided if she came back today and said she's sorry and wants to work on us, I won't give in easily. A lot of my self-reflection has lead to direct discovery of her problems, and I don't want these patterns of the past to repeat themselves. I won't join forces unless she's willing to work out her own issues.
Good plan. And hopefully you don't do it alone.
I know I've made a lot of progress in dropping my habits of why I'm doing what during this time. I know there's a lot of progress to be made still though. I really appreciate all your posts.
I think what trumpet said was a good response for now
Like I've said before tell her you need some time to process everything
Which is the absolute truth!!
And yes betterm. I was one of those people who rushed back into things too quickly. And here I am again
So there is no reason to put a clock on anything
Keep up the good work. I know it's extremely difficult not respond
Also make sure you don't drink a lot right now
I know it seems simple but you will let your guard down
betterm,
Your WW has to pick. She's trying to cake-eat.
Some people try everything to coerce a choice out of her. Her choice is her choice. Influencing it might have been the way the R worked, but for her to take ownership and WANT to be with you, she has to want it, and work on it.
Now, if you're putting on weight, looking like a champ, not a chump, and have made yourself into a man only a fool would leave, you will see her again. Maybe not. Either way, you win! But short-term, it feels like every day is a gut-punch. The victory is in surviving the rounds and getting back up each time.
Your wife is still your wife, betterm. Her brain just fell out - HA!
There is truth in that - the shell is still standing, and you still see her. My ex is now a shell of my former wife. I really don't see a whole lot of what she WAS. She has a right to change. We all need to understand we change over time - that is the only constant.
However, love means sacrificing for each other, but never taking the 1+1 and reducing it down to less than two. I was a psuedo-nice guy. I have a tyrant of an ex, who came to disrespect me since I was the nice guy. I have wants and dreams now, and they are vivid. Find the dreams that might have put in your back pocket. Some aren't worth keeping. Find a few dreams, make a new bucket list, and do a couple. Don't get overwhealmed at it all, and don't keep wishing the old WW is there - exercise your 'singleness' muscle, exercise your 'manliness' muscle, and see what happens!
The D train is happening - the clock is ticking. You can let it have control over you, or you can put it on the shelf, with the other problems you deal with. Don't bury it - the timer is still ticking! - but make sure it's not the wet blanket in your life.
Create a list, a small list - of the 10 things you are most grateful for. Try not to focus on the wife - bring the lens onto you, your birth family, your job, your friends, your local world. Read that for a few days - make a new list - read it for a few days.
DB'ing is a journey to find you again.
Stay strong, betterm. That teary eyed visit and the 'kids' txt are headscratchers to me though. Not sure what she is thinking there. It does sound like she's still connected to you and these are weird attempts to get some kind of reaction.
Trump, I love when you swing by with your 2x4. Your posts last night were extremely helpful, and I really appreciate it. I understand that I need to 'stay out of her mess', and let her work this stuff out on her own. Of course I want kids, and it would've been easy to respond like so, and help "convince her" that I'd be a good future H for her... but that's not the point. She knows I wanted kids at some point, that's NOT why she texted me. I'm trying to "mourn the loss" of my wife's corpse, but haven't been able to cry. I think I've got quite a bit of that out already.
Cil - Same to you (great advice), and you have some great looking purple font. really lightens the mood.
Its good to hear someone point out that "you'll know the difference" when it comes time to notice her "bullying tactics" and "conflicted decisions" compared to her actually making the deicision to truly want to change and reconcile. I think this goes overlooked a lot in these forums, and I was pretty confused (while it may never actually happen), on what I should be noticing/looking for in these changes.
cbt - sorry about your reconciliation timeline and the problems it caused... I do hope you can work things out, and I can see how reconciling too soon can only lead to these patterns repeating themselves (because nothing has truly changed in the WW, they probably just decided to "give it one more shot" or something... I'm truly sorry and feel for you. Saying that though, with trumpets advice, my wife died, so I won't be reconciling with corpse at all, that's for sure. If I "reconcile", I'm hoping its with someone else that truly wants to make this marriage work to full potential, and to someone who's not dead.
dood - you've provided great advice since I started on these forums. awesome dood. It's quite funny how when we read these stories that other people are going through, they can put us in a place where we don't even understand what's going on. Most of the time "outside looking in" provides a much clearer view of the big picture, but my corpse wife really threw both of us for a loop on this on HAHA.
qt4 - thx for the support. if you knew my stbx, you'd learn 'headscratchers' is just another part of my M, it's like making coffee in the morning, showers, brushing teeth, walking dogs, and headscratchers due to my stbx's manic behavior.
hang in the bud
=====
Now that I addressed you all individually for some reason (its morning, I'm drinking coffee, and in a writing mood I guess), A quick update...
My wife's corpse texted me this morning and said "Hey Sorry for the text last night. Glad you didn't respond. Would have caused a texting fight. Again, Sorry."
I wanted to respond, "Np, Just so we are clear though, I'm done fighting with you. There will be no more texting fights. Have a good day"... But I think I'll continue with my 72-hour 'dont say a damn thing to her" window... And I might just carry that 72-hour for two periods and wait until after I speak to my L on Wed before I talk to her at all.
--
I took PTO from work today and tomorrow, and I'm actually reconsidering, as I know she comes to the MR house a lot during the day while she thinks I'm working. I pulled out of the garage and parked in driveway so she can at least see I'm here before she opens the garage door. She'll probably u-turn, but I'm still considering finding something to do that's not at teh house for a while... hey, maybe I'll go for a long ride on my new motorcycle! haha. she's going to SH1T when she sees this thing parked in her spot in the garage ... oh my.
dood - you've provided great advice since I started on these forums. awesome dood. It's quite funny how when we read these stories that other people are going through, they can put us in a place where we don't even understand what's going on. Most of the time "outside looking in" provides a much clearer view of the big picture, but my corpse wife really threw both of us for a loop on this on HAHA.
betterm,
I was totally floored by the "kids" comment that you got from your wife. So much so that I said "through" instead of "threw." I can remember, that at the time, I was thinking of "Alice in Wonderland" and "Through the Rabbit Hole." Just when I think I've got a handle on WS affair fog thinking, I'm given a reality-check.
Anyway, it sounds like you survived and are doing well. Good for you! I hope you have a wonderful day!
betterm,I was totally floored by the "kids" comment that you got from your wife's corpse.
fixed this for you.
Time is ticking away until what, exactly? If you were legally divorced right this second, how would your actual life be any different?
I agree with Darkness on this.
There is no reason to put a clock on that. Just keep becoming the best you. It will work out best for either way if you do that.
Thanks for the kind words about my situation. I do hope things work out as well. But I'm at peace knowing that I can't control that now. I just want to become the man I know I can be
Time is ticking away until what, exactly? If you were legally divorced right this second, how would your actual life be any different?
Good Point. I came here in hopes to 'save my marriage'. That thought still trickles around in the back of my head from time to time. I guess the only thing "time is ticking away at", is my life in general. We only live once, and the one thing you can always 'count on' in life, is TIME...it's constant.
Not much happening today since W's apology for the text. She called me midday and asked if we could refinance her car since we'll need to do that. I told her if she can get financing to remove me from from the loan, I'd be happy to the sign the papers. She asked if I'd go over there with her since I'll need to be there as I'm the co-signer... I said I was busy, and I don't to be there for her to apply, but if she gets approved we can discuss it then.
She then, a few hours later (around 7pm), texted me and asked "Can I stay at the the house tonight or tomorrow night? By Myself?"
I never responded, but I've been clear with her in the past, that she can stay in this house any time she wishes, but I won't be leaving just so she can stay here. She's welcome here, and we can sleep in the same house together, but I won't be "removed" from my house just so she feels all comfy to stay here for the night without me here.
However, I was planning on going out of town tomorrow night. I'm debating on whether I should tell her that I was planning on leaving anyways, so she can stay there if she wants, or just not tell her anything at all, go dark all day tomorrow, and if she chooses to come over and I happen to not be here, then so be it. thoughts?
Now 3 hours later BTW... Still never responded. I told myself I'd only answer sensible questions from her... I think I know what trumpet would say if she were responding... 96% sure she won't show up late like last time anymore (tonight anyway) I'll deal with it tomorrow after rethinking.
With D filed, my vote is to stay mysterious.
If you choose to respond you could stick with your standard stance re "she can stay but you're not leaving".
If on a whim you choose to stay out late or not come home on any given night, it's no longer your burden to notify WW. If you notify her, you are kinda "giving her the day off" from experiencing the consequences of her actions.
What state are you in? Have you responded to your divorce petition yet, started looking for lawyers or done any other D preparation.
I feel like I don't want a D, am not prepared for it, and now have to start dealing with it when I just want my wife back. Meanwhile she seems like she is already two steps ahead of me.
I'm prepared. I have not responded to petition. I meet with L on Wed to go over things. Her petition didn't have a proposal yet of "what she wants" but we are mostly debts, no assets except the house, so I don't expect much from proposal. Half the equity of house maybe, which has been in my name since pre marriage.
Qt4, I don't want to get divorced either. But I've already mentally accepted its happened. I'm looking at it as, today, I have no wife, and the wife I used to love is already gone (she really is, considering her actions are not one of who I thought I was marrying).
As others on here have said... The "shell" of my W is there, but the woman inside the shell is not the woman I love. It's someone else. Or like some kind of diseased parasite living inside... So yes. As much as I love her, as much as I don't want to lose her, I'm ready, if it does happen.
I responded to her text of staying at the house, 'by herself', with a simple, "you're welcome to stay here any time youd like." period. As we're not divorced yet, and legally she lives here, it makes sense. I never kicked her out, she chose to leave. Relationalship-wise though, she is no more than a friendly stranger (we'll, I'm friendly, she's not), so... Would I ever allow a friend to remove me from my house so they could stay in it alone?... NO.
I'm prepared. I have not responded to petition. I meet with L on Wed to go over things. Her petition didn't have a proposal yet of "what she wants" but we are mostly debts, no assets except the house, so I don't expect much from proposal. Half the equity of house maybe, which has been in my name since pre marriage.
Qt4, I don't want to get divorced either. But I've already mentally accepted its happened. I'm looking at it as, today, I have no wife, and the wife I used to love is already gone (she really is, considering her actions are not one of who I thought I was marrying).
As others on here have said... The "shell" of my W is there, but the woman inside the shell is not the woman I love. It's someone else. Or like some kind of diseased parasite living inside... So yes. As much as I love her, as much as I don't want to lose her, I'm ready, if it does happen.
I responded to her text of staying at the house, 'by herself', with a simple, "you're welcome to stay here any time youd like." period. As we're not divorced yet, and legally she lives here, it makes sense. I never kicked her out, she chose to leave. Relationalship-wise though, she is no more than a friendly stranger (we'll, I'm friendly, she's not), so... Would I ever allow a friend to remove me from my house so they could stay in it alone?... NO.
Qt4, I don't want to get divorced either. But I've already mentally accepted its happened. I'm looking at it as, today, I have no wife, and the wife I used to love is already gone (she really is, considering her actions are not one of who I thought I was marrying).
As others on here have said... The "shell" of my W is there, but the woman inside the shell is not the woman I love. It's someone else. Or like some kind of diseased parasite living inside... So yes. As much as I love her, as much as I don't want to lose her, I'm ready, if it does happen.
Yeah, I guess I've been in denial. All of my thinking up til this point has been - how can I turn her around? I mean she was talking about going to MC just a week and a half ago. Now ... bam. I get served. It's all of a sudden very real to me and I realize I've been living in la la land. All this time I've been thinking of how to get my wife back she's been plotting out her strategy with her Lawyers!
On top of that I'm dealing with my new visitation schedule with the kids - and it's ripping my heart out. On top of that I still have a highly stressful job I have to deal with. This is just so horrible.
I'm prepared. I have not responded to petition.
Qt4, I don't want to get divorced either. But I've already mentally accepted its happened. I'm looking at it as, today, I have no wife, and the wife I used to love is already gone (she really is, considering her actions are not one of who I thought I was marrying).
As others on here have said... The "shell" of my W is there, but the woman inside the shell is not the woman I love.
I responded to her text of staying at the house, 'by herself', with a simple, "you're welcome to stay here any time youd like." period. As we're not divorced yet, and legally she lives here, it makes sense. I never kicked her out, she chose to leave. Relationalship-wise though, she is no more than a friendly stranger (we'll, I'm friendly, she's not), so... Would I ever allow a friend to remove me from my house so they could stay in it alone?... NO.
I don't want you to think I'm fibbing, or "in denial", because that's not the intention. But as others regularly say on here, you can only control what you can control, which is you and your actions. You can't control your WW. I still have my "hard times" where I break down, have the thoughts of "I'll do anything to save my M", but those are emotional breakdowns, and can't be looked at as anything other than a form of grief.
My wife's corpse is a big believer in buddhism stuff... one of the main quotes she ever told me was "you think, you become". it's about as simple as it can be. what you think about, what you put your energy to, is what you will reach. (I'm sure you've also heard, if you aim at nothing, that's what you'll hit)... it's true, and you can't aim to "save my marriage", because in truth, it doesn't even exist anymore.
Our WW's have filed, I've been sued for the dissolution of my marriage, meaning, my WW has chosen to leave the marriage. Whether it's a "threat" to make me change or "the real deal" and she's already checked out, it shall be treated the same and I can't do anything about that part of my life right now. If I spent all my time trying to figure out how to save my marriage, I wouldn't have any more time or energy left to figure out who I want to become when this is all said and done with... Would I like to be married to my current W in the future? sure, but that cannot be my goals throughout this process, because it involved a decision made by someone else (my wife's corpse). Focus energy on things you can control... yourself, your actions, health, sleep, activities, goals, etc. and regardless what happens, you'll be a better person because of it.
Yeah, I guess I've been in denial. All of my thinking up til this point has been - how can I turn her around? I mean she was talking about going to MC just a week and a half ago. Now ... bam. I get served. It's all of a sudden very real to me and I realize I've been living in la la land. All this time I've been thinking of how to get my wife back she's been plotting out her strategy with her Lawyers!
We all do this at the beginning, I found this site by searching the internet for "how to save my marriage" "my wife is leaving me", etc etc... probably the same way most others found it. The good things is, the people here understand that what we should be doing, is usually the exact opposite of what we are doing, and what we are doing, is failing us miserably (thats how we ended up here, right?)
It's a process. You can't stop your brain from creating feelings, ideas, emotions, etc. you can however, choose how long you want to entertain those ideas created, and how you want to act upon them.
You're new here, read the material if you haven't already. Seriosly, everything Cadet posted, All of Sandi's posts (just read every last one of them!) haha. and then see how they relate to your sitch. ask questions about things specifically then. Hang in there. you'll be fine.
I don't want you to think I'm fibbing, or "in denial", because that's not the intention. But as others regularly say on here, you can only control what you can control, which is you and your actions. You can't control your WW. I still have my "hard times" where I break down, have the thoughts of "I'll do anything to save my M", but those are emotional breakdowns, and can't be looked at as anything other than a form of grief.
My wife's corpse is a big believer in buddhism stuff... one of the main quotes she ever told me was "you think, you become". it's about as simple as it can be. what you think about, what you put your energy to, is what you will reach. (I'm sure you've also heard, if you aim at nothing, that's what you'll hit)... it's true, and you can't aim to "save my marriage", because in truth, it doesn't even exist anymore.
Our WW's have filed, I've been sued for the dissolution of my marriage, meaning, my WW has chosen to leave the marriage. Whether it's a "threat" to make me change or "the real deal" and she's already checked out, it shall be treated the same and I can't do anything about that part of my life right now. If I spent all my time trying to figure out how to save my marriage, I wouldn't have any more time or energy left to figure out who I want to become when this is all said and done with... Would I like to be married to my current W in the future? sure, but that cannot be my goals throughout this process, because it involved a decision made by someone else (my wife's corpse). Focus energy on things you can control... yourself, your actions, health, sleep, activities, goals, etc. and regardless what happens, you'll be a better person because of it.
betterm,
You have matured as a DBer so quickly that it's simply amazing! I'm going to print your post above and have copies at home, in the car and at the office.
Thanks!
My wife's corpse is a big believer in buddhism stuff... one of the main quotes she ever told me was "you think, you become". it's about as simple as it can be. what you think about, what you put your energy to, is what you will reach. (I'm sure you've also heard, if you aim at nothing, that's what you'll hit)... it's true, and you can't aim to "save my marriage", because in truth, it doesn't even exist anymore.
Your W's sayings really resonates with me. From what I have been told by DB coaches is that a WAS wants a vibrant life and this makes sense to me now. They will go after a target to ensure they are happy. The LBS is the one who
thought things were "happy" in the current state of their M.
The sad part is that most WAS's won't see the changes in the LBS's.
Your W's sayings really resonates with me. From what I have been told by DB coaches is that a WAS wants a vibrant life and this makes sense to me now. They will go after a target to ensure they are happy. The LBS is the one who thought things were "happy" in the current state of their M.
The sad part is that most WAS's won't see the changes in the LBS's.
First off, let me clarify, that quote is something I found throug her, but it is a quote by "Buddha" himself haha. But beside that point, it definitely SHOULD resonate with everyone who doesn't want their lives to decay into nothingness.
Unfortunately, you are right that a lot times an WAS will not notice the changes, efforts, of an LBS, and oftentimes, they will, and people will think of it as "WAS saw the changes too late, and the divorce is already final...
It was just a few days ago I was talking about the "ticking time bomb" on my marriage and how I have 60 days to turn things around. When that's not the case...
Darknes was one to point out that divorce is not the end of a relationship with someone. It's just the legal paper that says you're no longer married to <person>. It's still up to those parties involved to decide if they want to be together... and people DO get remarried to the same person they were once got divorced with. I don't know the statistics on this (if anyone does, please tell), but I know it happens. I listen to a talk radio show (Joe Beam show) who talks about this happening a lot, and he, himself, actually was a WAH, with an LBS, divorced her, and 3 years later they remarried. Said they are now happier together than they could have ever been if they would've reconciled right away...
Don't lose hope, (easier said than done), as I know I've lost hope countless times throughout this process, and when I realize it, I shift my focus of lost hope on the MR, to new-found hope on making myself the most awesome person in the world. So awesome that I can find confidence in knowing that even if my WW does follow through with D, I'll be better off as the new man I've become, with or without her. It'll be hard. but, that's the mindset we have to keep.
So, apparently I "went dark" without knowing it. My text to W stating "you know where I stand, and you're always welcome to stay here at the house."... NEVER SENT! I've been having problems with cell network last few days and the text failed HAHA.
So, I went dark, and now I think it's fate, and I might just not send it at all. If she shows up, great, if not, great. Up to her.
betterm,
Even your cell network is good at DBing! What's up with that?
It might be the only thing their good at.
It might be the only thing their good at.
I had the exact same experience about 2 weeks ago... was trying to send W some photos (don't ask me why... but a moment of weakness) but they failed... Thank God to the unreliable Cell networks!
"Unfortunately, you are right that a lot times an WAS will not notice the changes, efforts, of an LBS"
To me this is 100 percent true if there is an OM in the picture.
It's like we say all the time. It won't wake in 3-way marriage. It's why to me if there is an OM you have to drop the rope, LRT, etc
Cause nothing you do is going to matter as long as their attention is elsewhere
Betterm!!! You are doing great man. Love how you are handling everything right now. Keep giving yourself time.
your attitude is in the right place. Keep it up
So, I've been trying to stay out of the house most of the day, came home to walk the dogs and have quick meal, and sure enough, was graced with a surprise from my W's walking corpse. She didn't mention anything about me not responding to her request of staying at the house alone, but said "I'm taking the dogs with me tonight, is that okay?" I said, "Yeah! that's great, you can take the dogs whenever you like to."
She asked why I was off work, told her that now that I have flexible schedule with my last I'm working from home a lot more when it's available. (I could tell this bothered her, as she feels like I put work before her a lot), but she didn't continue to ask questions about it.
She piddled around for a few minutes, I went upstairs, changed laundry, put on some jeans and came back down (I was planning on leaving). She said "Alright, well, I'm going to get out of here for a bit, see ya later", and I said "Alrighty, take care".
Out she went, and about 3 seconds later, back she came in with "Are we ever going to talk about things? About what's going on?" And I told her "I'm still just processing everything and reflecting within myself for now". She replied "You can't tell me you were happy? Were you really happy?" I just said, "I'm not comfortable telling you anything right now regarding my feelings of our relationship. Maybe sometime down the road, but as of right now I don't have anything to say."
She said, alright, and stood with the door half closed, looking around the corner at me, and I just kept doing the task at hand (I was cleaning the blender). After 5-10 seconds, she just quietly closed the door and out she went... she didn't return this time. The dogs are still here, so she'll be back soon I'm sure. I'm going to try to be 'not home' when she returns.
You are awesome!!! Well done!
Now get out of the house
betterm,
I think you should change your name to Neo. I'm starting to believe you're The One.
Haha. Thanks cbt/doodler. I still feel like I'm "blowing her off" a little bit when she asks these questions... I guess until she stops "asking" the questions, and actually starts making statements about how she's feeling about 'us', I should stand firm on not wanting to talk, and continue to not respond with softball bait like "if you want to talk I'm here to listen."
I tried that a few times and it's been met with silence in the past. I'm assuming since that's the pattern, she's not really "ready to talk" either, but just feeling me out to see if I'll start to pour emotion onto her about my feelings. It's hard to hold back, but I feel as soon as I tell her my feelings/thoughts, things will turn sour quickly.
betterm,
I'm not going to offer any advice because you're far better at the DB stuff than I am. I'd bet LiM could provide some good advice.
I have refined doodler's divorce busting process:
1. Box the W's stuff and put it on the front lawn.
2. Beat the OM's ass.
A simple two step process guaranteed to provide results.
Very nice, you stayed strong. Lol what does it say about me that I felt jealous your wife came to you wanting to have some type of relationship talk? But ... Very nice man, you're doing jus what you should be doing.
Thanks both of you. Doodler, I wouldn't be where I am without your outstanding advice. Don't sell yourself short! And trust me. I've highly considered your "step 2", but I'm saving it for after the D is final (I can't keep being hopeful it won't be final), and right before I expose the A to his wife, family, friends, and work. So not only is his A exposed, marriage in shambles, on the verge of being fired, but also, black eyes and bruises to show for it. Haha.
Qt4, I understand your jealousy, and a few weeks ago (before the D was filed), I woulda given anything to have R Talk with my W, and each time I did, I was chewed up and spit back out all over myself. If you followed others posting on my thread, I'd have to agree that she is feeling like she pulled the trigger too soon, out of peer pressure, making a "threat", or whatever reasons, and now she's wanting to reassure her decision by forcing me into a "talk" (aka WW term for picking a fight to confirm her disbelief that she made the right/wrong decision.
Not gonna lie, it's promising she "wants to talk" to me, emotionally, but mentally, my brain is reminding me that it's not for the right reasons.
I believe trumpet or ciluzen told me, "you'll know the difference" when she decides not to just talk about MR, but instead changes focus and gets on board with choosing me as a future mate. I may regret in the future if I'm DBing so damn hard like a boss, that I miss that cchange, but, I'm changing for the future too. If I do miss it, it's probably because I'm not wanting it anymore... Uh oh.
Do you think if she REALLY wanted to restart your marriage that you would only get one "sign"? How many times did you beg and plead with her when she first started talking about separating?
Sometimes I think there's so much mental agonizing involved in the BD process that it would be easier just to let it all go. But there's this thing about love, and some people also have kids.
Do you think if she REALLY wanted to restart your marriage that you would only get one "sign"? How many times did you beg and plead with her when she first started talking about separating?
ummm, just once... <looks around conspicuously>
I'm assuming because of my previous comments, your asking rhetorically... But while emotions feel like I'm missing on opportunity, I understand that I am not.
Have I mentioned how much I'm enjoying my new motorcycle? If WW ever does have a place in my future, she'll have to get on board the fact that I'm now someone who rides them.
The fact that I'm feeling tired at night again, while makes me think I'm getting old, is quite welcoming and pleasant. I wasn't getting near enough sleep during the stress induced times of my MR problems... Somehow, after receiving papers. I've slept pretty well. Why is that? I couldn't sleep a lick before last week!
W brought dogs back home this morning. I had just got home from the night before, and came home to cut grass before Temps got high. She was friendly, as was I. She didn't ask many questions either. Nothing R related.
I had my shirt off and she still says she doesn't find me attractive, but I found it somewhat funny that when she noticed the single mom two doors down also out yard working in skimpy shorts, she "offered" to get me a shirt so I don't get burned up. What!? Haha. Anyways...
So there hasn't been any MR talk. Anniversary is next weekend. The D is filed. I don't know what to think about the anniversary coming up. I'm was debating myself on whether or not to do anything, primarily, I was thinking about writing a "thank you" letter. Not convincing, not manipulative, not trying to chance her mind, but seriously just a thank you for xyz, the past 7 years, the experiences (while staying very vague), the time, and perhaps, becoming one of my greatest teachers I'd never ask for.
I'm not sure if this is a good or bad idea, but I'm really not trying to "win her back", to me... she's not coming back and if she does... I get my part of the decision anyways. I honestly thinks its a good idea, just because I'd like to do it not just for her, but for me as well. It would be a form of closure for me, but I'm just not sure if it's too soon or not, as the D isn't final, anniversary letter, or should it wait until after the D? Or should it never happen? Help me out folks.
Absolutely not!!!!
Your wife filed for a divorce. There will be no anniversary gift, letter, card or anything!!!
Glad you posted this here so we could all blast you with a 2x4
It wont be easy. That date holds some meaning and emotions in your life. But now it is just a date. Feel it, experience it, but whatever you do, do not act on it!!
Alrighty then... Point taken.
sorry betterm!
I wanted to get that out as fast as possible.
Look on one hand you are talking about her giving you a shirt because maybe she noticed the neighbor a couple doors down. That's definitely mind reading, but what if that was the case. you need to be showing her you are moving on. Giving her a letter, girt or anything no matter what it says would be a complete 180 of you showing you are moving forward
I know it's tough. Hang in there and keep busy.
Go get on your bike!!
I hadn't thought about it til just now when I banged my wedding band on the table... I used to check whether my W was wearing hers every time she came around... I haven't even thought about it last few times we've met... I guess that's a good thing? I'm sure if I noticed next time if she wasn't wearing hers, no doubt it would be bothersome... But at least I'm not thinking about it all the time.
sorry betterm!
Giving her a letter, gift or anything no matter what it says would be a complete 180 of you showing you are moving forward
I guess I didn't see it that way. To me, a letter saying thank you for our marriage and becoming a teacher in my divorce, would be meant (by me) as a sincere goodbye. I'll stay away from that for now though, certainly.
I'm starving. Hopping in shower, and gonna cruise my way into lunch somewhere. Need to find some biker joints around here haha.
Agreed do not write that letter, do not get her a card, do not even bring it up on the day of unless she does and even then be "as if" as possible.
There will be time for closure, on the day of your anniversary is not it and you may tell yourself its not trying to win her back or its for you just as much as it is for her but that is just not true.
Stay strong work on you, it's hard, one of the hardest things you will ever do because it's counter intuitive to what everything your body and mind is telling you to do but trust me brother it works and it's what you need to do
Need to find some biker joints around here haha.
betterm,
Don't go to The Blue Oyster!
If you don't heed my advice and decide to go there anyway, then stay away from Dragon Lady. She's no lady; not even close.
Doodler, I heard they have the best salad bar in town!
And WSB, thanks for chiming in. I'll take your advice, with others, and I'll be practicing my "yo b1tch's" that doodler was recommending to me last week.
Had a busy day today, some car trouble, had fun on the bike, but I've been thinking too much about my W swinging by this morning when she dropped the dogs off...
I was cutting grass and she just sat in the driveway with the dogs laying by her, literally just watching me cut grass... Everything I'd catch a glance at her, she'd just look at me and smile back...
Used to be regular activity while I worked on lawn, she'd hang around doing landscape, flowers, etc and we'd always make a day of it together, whether it just be hanging out here, or going to lunch/dinner/drinks after... I don't know why, but I can't quit thinking about her tonight, now that I'm settled in and closing the night out at home alone... I think I'll pour a bourbon, and throw something mindless on TV to try and fall asleep to.
betterm,
They know how to tug on the heart don't they? I hope you got some sleep.
By the way, I heard the same thing about the salad bar. But, it's so dark in there that it's hard to tell what you're getting. I've heard of people that couldn't get back to their table before the salad crawled off the plate.
Please start a new thread.