http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...571#Post2673571Old thread
Figured i would start a new one as the other would be done soon.
Not a whole lot to update from last time. We have remained in contact, but i definitely have backed off a bit. We were together at D spring concert at school for a bit on tuesday. Pretty strange as they were singing songs from other countries and the last one was called "cinco De Mayo" which is today and ......wait for it
Our anniversary.
Nice right!
Any way, I fought the urge to purrsue and ask to do something for it. She wouldnt be able to today anyway as she teaches classes this evening. the only thing i had planned on soing is cooking dinner for me and the kids and offering her some when she is done and picking them up.
Then of course mothers day is sunday. I have tickets to a monster truck show on the beach on that day, where we all went last year. She knows i have tickets so need to make sure she is still interested in going.
Otherwise, been busy.
Played a rugby game this past weekend with guys i spent many years playing with. Had a golf tournament yesterday. Have to head up to campground for a bit tomorrow. Have an offer for deep sea fishing coming up. Rugby banquet where i have to introduce a hall of fame inductee, then a 3 day golf trip coming.
pretty busy
I know i need to go slow through this phase while trying to figure out if there is interest on her end or not but the patience thing was never my specialty!
Any way, will keep up to date
Hey OTW,
Nice post, sounds like things are going well, your living your life offering W chances to join in , if she doesn't then you not too worried. THis is how I need to picture my life for the next month moving forward.
I know this is how I was before I met my W, I was not looking for anyone, was living my life having fun enjoying life. She came into it and really I played it really slow.
I need to remember this.
Thanks for posting
if i can offer one thing when the separation happens...and this may not apply to you at all but it did to me.
I tried to live my life similar to how i saw her. Always on the run to go out places in the evening and at night with friends etc..
I found myslef going out to bars etc.. and hanging out with friends and it got old very fast. I have cut it out completely. If that is what she needs to do feeling like she missed out on something go right ahead but it got old too fast for me.
be careful
I found myslef going out to bars etc.. and hanging out with friends and it got old very fast. I have cut it out completely. If that is what she needs to do feeling like she missed out on something go right ahead but it got old too fast for me.
be careful
I can second this, I've been doing this a month out. It's definately getting old and making me feel guilty
Hey
Good advise,
I have a feeling that is what is going to happen with W when she get the S signed, We did meet when she just turned 19, I think she does feel like she missed out on something. Although we did go to bars a lot together dating.
I am trying to prepare for the girls gone wild behavior and hopefully living apart I will not be exposed to it.
Yes you are right I don not have to do follow what she does. Although with in house S that is what it seems we were doing. W did not date and neither did I.
Does your W consider herself single being separated? Am I to expect W shifting to a singles lifestyle?
Honestly. I think most consider themselves single when they separate. I don't have any evidence or knowledge of her dating or anything but that doesn't mean it isn't the case.
OK, so the anniversary came and went. We actually had dinner all together when she came to pick up the kids. No mention of the day at all until loading the kids up in the truck.
She was already in and i leaned to her from the back where i was saying goodbyes to the kids and said "happy anniversary" I wasnt really sure if there was a response as it was noisy and i was getting out.
Had the kids over the weekend and we got a few small things for W for mothers day. the kids had me take them to the store to buy food so they could cook brunch for her. They were going to tell her when she called to say good night, but..she didnt call.
So mothers day morning i sent her a text to let her know. She said ok, i tried calling last night but it went straight to voicemail. who knows.
Anyway she came over kids helped me cook and we went to the monster truck show. Good time. We headed back to leave and it was still before dinner so i figured we would just be heading separate ways after, W stated she was hungry and wanted to eat. So we all went and ate together.
Bit of a mind racing episode happened and dont really know what to think of it, but W was texting and D7 leaned over to snoop and said who is "stephan" W quickly moved the phone and said Stephanie. D7 quickly responded she didnt see any "y" or I". I am not aware of any stephanie and pretty sure w was texting someone name a guy named stephen.
I dont know anyone or what capacity it would be but she hid it and made up a name so of course that didnt feel good.
So i have spun about this the past few days.
Another few things going on is the house she is renting, the owners want to sell it. So now she is dealing with that.
So i posted in another thread about how i feel she is willing to do things with me and the kids when it is her time but when it is mine and she is free she doesnt want any part or is too busy.
I dont like this. I am needing to flat out ask her if i am imagining things between us or not. I am battling with asking her out for a real date this weekend and then have a R talk.
I honestly dont want to feel like I am anymore. I need to know answers.
I am willing to listen to anyones opinions here. fire away
man OTW are we in similar spots or what (minus the kids). I feel the exact same way and struggle with what to do here and you have been at it even longer. I often think that I must have completely misinterpreted her message or words because I get no follow up.
I feel like doing the same exact thing you mention within the next 2 weeks. I don't want to get into heavy R talk, but I do want to know the deal and if D is what she really wants, then let's go already.
I wish I had a suggestion for you. At this point you have DB'd for a decent amount of time, you are no newbie. Maybe it's time to go with the gut? I don't know... I don't know for myself either.
BTW.. good to see you post. I was wondering where you had been.
I dont like this. I am needing to flat out ask her if i am imagining things between us or not. I am battling with asking her out for a real date this weekend and then have a R talk.
I honestly dont want to feel like I am anymore. I need to know answers.
I am willing to listen to anyones opinions here. fire away
Man I totally understand this feeling completely, and I'm only a little over a month in from separation. I guess the first questioned I would need to ask myself is "Am I truly prepared for the answer?" which ever way it goes. If the answer is yes then go for it. I know I'm not there yet. Actually if I was there, I probably wouldn't even need to ask the question. This detachment stuff is hard. I would definitely back off doing stuff only when it my turn having the kids. JMHO
i do feel like it is time. I say this because if there is nothing I dont plan on continuing acting like a happy family half the time. No way is that my intention. If there is nothing I go my way.
To answer the question am i ready for the answer.
Of course i will hurt if it is not what I am hoping to hear, but honestly I will get over that. Someday. But letting this continue and not knowing is living hell.
the only thing holding me back is the question if we are just in the beginning of building from scratch and i am rushing.
I am with you otw. Being ready for that answer is the key question. I am more than ready myself. Good luck
Hey OTW,
I am going to answer you on here as my thread is needing a new one.
I get it too. I have some time to give it as so much is changing right now.
You want a normal relationship, you deserve a normal relation ship.
You have done the work and now you want the reward.
You want the answer so that you can have the life you want right now. You don't want to move on unless you are divorced, and you are not right now. YOu don't want to consider looking at other woman until you are divorced.
You see no benefit to how the separation is right now, and it unbalanced. When you have the kids W tags along but when she has the kids she does not invite you.
Maybe that is what you are wanting or need to talk about. Balance. How you would like to see more sharing of time with the kids including when W has the kids. You would like to see initiative from W to invite you a couple of times. Is that what is happening?
you have it pretty much nailed Vise except backwards.
When she has the kids she is willing to do things, but when i have them and she has free time she can't be bothered.
And yes some initiative from her would go a long way
I may have already asked this, but do you have to be separated for a year in Virginia to file for divorce?
yes, the word divorce has never been said by her
Hey OTW,
Ok I get it, that would make more sense if she is just thinking of herself. When she has the kids she can get help from you, your available, you help out.
When you have the kids she is free and has no interest in giving up that free time to spend time with you and the kids.
What can you do to change that dynamic?
I see how it would normally work, you meet a girl and you like her so you ask to spend more time with her, she agrees and there is an understanding that you are both working toward the same thing , to spend more time together. W your W you cant ask her because that is against DBing rules, so you live in limbo not knowing where you stand with here.
You don't like the co parenting R as it is right now , you want more. How you get there? Your thinking to just simply ask her? Yes or no then move on if no? I don't think you are really worried about loosing her as with the kids she will always be there. I think you are looking to move on and this is your way of telling her. Giving her the one last chance?
Vise
that is pretty much it. Not really a last chance for her but just for myself. I pulled away for a while and we were drawn back together through events and we had fun together and got a long well. We have done things together as a family a lot and even once just her and I.
I have to admit, if we didn't have all of this happen I may be in a better mental place because the ray of hope may have not come back around.
I think this is for me to either be happy there is hope or just let go completely.
So i am battling two things here. Am i rushing? Or should i just let it go and stop trying?
Hey because its not me, maybe I can see more clearly,
I think you know the answer to the question you want to ask, she is going to say no to a R. She wants a co parenting R with you.
I think you need to just live your life and let it go. Easier for me to say to you then do myself.
If she wants to be with you she would be with you. But are you looking for the divorce first before you really move on? Do you think she is? I doubt it, maybe.
Have you thought about filing for divorce? Nothing says dropping the rope more than that. Look at your W actions, has anything indicated to you that she wants to start a romantic R with you at this point?
Vise
Thats just it. I have been getting signs that she is possibly interested. This is the reason we are here right now.
W is definitely the type to not admit she was wrong. So if I am getting these feelings from interactions etc then I think it would be on me.
All that said. We just had a phone call. I through it out there. I stated I wanted to know if she had any interest in letting me take her out this weekend. Her response seemed a little shocked. She asked do you mean like out to dinner. I said yes. She quickly responded she would think about it but she has recitals for some of the dance classes this weekend.
I didn't really want a cliff hanger type of answer because of recitals. If it was a no then I would like to know that.
So I continued to explain how I got to this point and if I have been misreading things then I guess I would rather know. I also explained that I know she has a lot going on right now but it is something that I need to know.
So it ended with her seeming really shocked. She said she needs to process it all. In my eyes that is not a good sign. It is just showing that I was reading something much more than was actually there.
But who knows. I am going to think positive thoughts and see what happens.
If you want to think positive thoughts, do so. I never ask my WW because I don't want to hear no, and since she was the one that caused the demise, she could ask me. She did once, but was with kids and I felt she was cake eating and buttering me up as a friend. No thanks.
Hey,
if you seen signs then I would say they were there, no question.
I think it was good that you asked, get its out of the way.
I dont think it was negative that she need to think it over. I have read on here many time that W give the answer instantly: Not a chance.
I think its fair to get your answer and hopefully she does get back to you. Good luck
I agree that her thinking about things is not bad. She could have just said no.
Now we wait.
OTW - I honestly think this was done out of frustration- I truly understand your frustration. Being in Limbo is the worst place to be.
I feel that her reaction sounded like she wasn't ready for this yet. I can't help but think of the scared squirl analogy.
Please don't take what I'm saying as me having any real experience in this stuff, but I've been reading my ass off in this forum (I'm sure you have too) One thing I've picked up on is timing is everything, and this stuff takes a lot of patience.
I would recommend backing off for now, and see what happens.
Like I said, I realize you been at this awhile, and I'm sure you're dying for some sort of resolution. You will definitely be in my thoughts tonight.
Hang in there.
Frustration is not a good word. It definitely wasn't done because of that.
Let me paint a better picture.
We have been doing so much together and getting a long so well. I have no intention of being her friend going forward. We will be cordial because of co parenting but I saw things slipping into just a friend zone. I have no desire for that. If I just backed off completely I will always wonder should I have tried. If it doesn't work I am backing off anyway and whatever plays out in her world plays out. But for me I not be sitting by curious or spending the time together anymore.
Anything that happens then will all be coming from her. If it is nothing so be it.
Don't know if that helps explain my mindset.
Frustration is not a good word. It definitely wasn't done because of that.
Let me paint a better picture.
We have been doing so much together and getting a long so well. I have no intention of being her friend going forward. We will be cordial because of co parenting but I saw things slipping into just a friend zone. I have no desire for that. If I just backed off completely I will always wonder should I have tried. If it doesn't work I am backing off anyway and whatever plays out in her world plays out. But for me I not be sitting by curious or spending the time together anymore.
Anything that happens then will all be coming from her. If it is nothing so be it.
Don't know if that helps explain my mindset.
How long as this been going on? sounds like a progress statement.
3 months. Almost 4. I know there is no timeline to this and it is a long haul. Believe me. I know.
If it was a mistake ok. I will own that but it isn't something I just did out of nowhere. I spoke to my DB coach about 2 months ago about it and just now pulled the trigger.
I very well could have scared her away if there was something. This surely is not the first mistake I have made in this whole process! Lol
I am over a year into this. I am ready to start living one way or another.
Sorry if I came across as implying it was impulsive. I know you've been at this a long time. It's brutal, but I believe the process can make us better people.
No need for apologies here. Everything you wrote has entered my mind at one or a hundred times.
It is much easier helping people from the outside. Our own feelings blind us.
I appreciate your thoughts.
wow OT... was not expecting to come here and read that. What's done is done so I won't comment on it. In fact, I am not really sure if it was the right move or the wrong one. Try to stay busy so you are not too focused on her response. Keep us updated.
hey OTW,
How is it going?
Just checking in
not much to report yet. Spoke to W for a few seconds this morning before she got on the phone with the kids. She is under the weather today.
Nothing either way yet.
Ok let me rephrase that question,
How are you doing?
Well its a tough one do you ask again or let it float out there and then the weekend will pass with no answer.
Has asking taken care of the need to know?
Or is it still burning in you to get to the bottom of this?
im doing ok.
I have been staying positive.
Just got off the phone with coach as it has been about 2 months since last call.
I filled him in.
He thinks it is a positive that she hasnt just flat out said no.
We discussed if there is no response or a "no " is said and how i react .
A 180, would be for me to joke around bringing it up and say "was it you I asked to dinner this weekend?"
or now that she is a little under the weather to go ahead and say to her that since you are not feeling well and a busy weekend coming why dont we postpone.
And if she says no, then i should still act the same around her and interact instead of withdrawling and do dim.
these are all different than what i would typically do.
A lot to think about.
Stay the course, Glad to see you posting.
Certainly can't hurt to do the unexpected once in a while - sometimes you just have to go for it. Like anything else in DB, I imagine it's a case of experimenting and monitoring the results and backing off if you hit resistance.
One thing that has worked for me is not asking my W to do things with me, but simply telling her what I am doing. Like last weekend:
W: "What are you up to this weekend?"
ME: "Well, Saturday morning I'm scheduled to volunteer at XYZ for a couple hours, then I plan to pick up some meat and grill out for lunch, and then at night I'm going to the Roller Derby matches."
W: "Oh. ... Ok."
I didn't invite her. She never asked if she could go, and never explicitly said whether she wanted to do any of those things, but later she asked me if I could pick up a Filet Mignon for her; and an hour before Roller Derby there she was getting ready. I literally didn't know until that moment whether she actually was going with me or not, but she went and thankfully we ended up having a good time.
If I had come out and framed it as a date or pushed for a commitment, I suspect I would not have gotten as positive an end result.
EDF
When we were in house it kind of was the same but it really revolved around the kids.
Now that we are out of the house together it is still kid based.
This is something different. Who knows where it will go yet.
otw,
How are things going, haven't heard from you in a few days. Give us a update when you get a chance and feel like sharing.
Hey OTW,
Have you ever had the feeling to file for D yourself just to end the DB roller coaster ride?
If you have, what stopped you from doing it. What has kept you going.
I am finding it hard to find reasons to keep DBing my MR.
Hello all,
Vise to answer your question first before i update...
I have not really thought about just getting the D. I was going to comment on your thread about this but i will do it here. I kind of feel that you are putting entirely too much emphasis on the fact that you are still legally married. Your W does not think this way. You keep mentioning that your feelings are hurt when you are not invited to things with her family or stuff she is doing. She is not emotionally married to you anymore it is just a piece of paper. The WAS feel that the conversation about splitting or separating freed them.
Yes they will treat friends and anyone else better than you. it is because they feel no pressure from them and they are not a reminder of what they are doing. Yes they will still feel you are ok to do things with the family but they are doing that for the kids and to ease the feelings they get of guilt at times.
So, with that in mind I never considered the filing part. In reality i dont want that and i know that being legally separated frees her to do what ever she wants anyway in her mind. therefore, if i ever just want to move on i will start D or not.
So update time...
We all know that i asked W if there was interest to go out with me. She responded that she needed to process this. Then W got sick this weekend. Saw her yesterday and she still looked in bad shape.
So i have had no answer. Dont know if she plans on responding yes or no, or at all.
I had a DB coach call a day or two after the question was asked. Coach felt that there was no problem asking as we discussed this a few months earlier. We discussed what I do with a no answer or not getting an answer.
he did think that her response was a positive.
I was asked if she said no or didnt answer what would the old me do? I said I would probably pull away and not really engage her or just be more quiet around her. He suggested i 180 that. Dont change the interaction we have at all. She may very well be really struggling with what to think. If i show the old me when i dont get an answer I like or quick enough then she was justified.
In the end the answer will definitely have an impact but I need to continue being me and moving forward. So if she maybe not quite ready yet then there may be a chance down the road. I also informed him that I was also very curious that if i got a no or non response if i would let go more. so we are seeing how that plays out as well.
Anyway, I will keep everyone up to date.
Glad to hear that you seem to be doing well.
I definitely understand the point about the emotional divorce vs a piece of paper. But I'm not going to lie the word scares the [censored] out of me when brought up by wife. Which has actually only been once.
If you get a second to look at my situation since separation April 1st, I'd be interested in hearing any suggestions. I feel like I'm about where I expected to be this early into separation.
Good morning OTW
Hope things are going well for you. Are you still doing a 180 and trying to keep engaging your wife?
well I figure an update was due before the holiday weekend here in the US.
Not a whole lot to tell on the W front. Things haven't really changed between our communication except i am not initiating anything or asking anything.
I have not really received an answer regarding the question of going out.
She is still a little sick, but i know she is ok enough to go do her thing with friends.
She is def coming up on a busy time with her dance recitals and the house she is renting is looking to be sold so she will have to look for something.
The kids have said some things about her looking somewhere but also made mention to her talking to a friend then telling them she doesn't know what she will be doing yet and maybe move back! I know my kids are little and make things up in there heads so I just disregard these things. I try not to put them in the middle of stuff but my D7/8 hears everything!
Any way,
I have to be at inlays campground this weekend for a bit to help with concession stand i run for them. It is W weekend with kids, so long story short we are all going to be there together. Staying together in our camper. I actually expected this as it is her weekend with the kids and as the history proves she is willing to do things on these weekends. If she sis not have them I would believe she would not go.
Either way I am going to enjoy my time and the kids. We do all have plans when we get back to go to a festival in town that we have gone to for years now.
other than that, i have been busy!
Picking up a little rugby training, pilates, and gym everyday as usual. Kids stuff, work, and i have taken on some projects on my truck i have wanted to do.
House work and yard work has also kept me busy. Have a few friends in town as well and will get with them.
I do have to say that I had a few things that i didn't like that i found myself doing after W moved and I have moved past all of them and fell a lot better bout myself. Nothing crazy, just routines i found destructive, i.e...staying out late etc..
I also have to say that when all of this first happened i turned to religion as many of us have to find answers. I know i did this with fixing in mind. Lately I have started seeing things differently and really releasing a lot of things that I know i can not control.
Even though some of the stuff may seem small but when i focus on a few prayers and releasing control and knowing things will work one way or another for me then sitting back and looking at everything. I am shocked there are miracles everyday in my life small or big. Even things I find myself over analyzing then having anxiety about I stop look up and say this is not for me to control and the best will come and literally almost instantly something happens.
very strange.
I hope everyone can try and enjoy the weekend and live in the moment. I know i will be smacking myself to make sure I do!
otw,
Sounds like you are in a good place. Glad to hear you are looking forward to the weekend. So am I as I have my boys this weekend. Enjoy the extra day off!
I hope everyone can try and enjoy the weekend and live in the moment. I know i will be smacking myself to make sure I do!
amen brother... enjoy it!
Hey OTW,
Have not seen you post in a while,
How are things going??
So it has been about a year since I posted on my own thread. Figured I would give an update.
Last time I was here I was getting ready to test W about doing something together. We had done a few things as a family and I helped her with some stuff. As soon as that was done she went cold and not long after I found she was dating someone and had them around my kids when we specifically agreed we would discuss this before.
I said my peace and eliminated contact with her except necessary kid stuff.
the year had moved on and kids had continually expressed they don't like staying with their mother and don't want to be around the OM. Xmas came along and the previous year I let her come and be here in the morning for kids. Plan was to let me go there for kids this year then at 1130 at night xmas eve she asked thar I don't because she wanted facetime OM that is out of town.
new year moved in and the topic of finalizing the divorce came up and we needed to settle up a few items and we discussed and agreed on things. never actually finalized for a month or two.
right round end of april I called kids one day and my S6 is yelling that OM is not with mom anymore and will not be around. I say ok and change topic. When W is dropping kids off next day S6 again goes into it ver excited and says we should be together again. I just roll off back, I'm sure she felt awkward.
fast forward a week to our anniversary. day comes and I do not acknowledge it. I did last year pretty sure OM was in picture.
Kids and I are leaving a dinner and I receive a text from W. "i know today is a weird day but I wanted to say something to you...thanks for being a great guy and an amazing father to our kids. Happy cinco de mayo" we were married may 5th.
I wasn't sure how to respond to this. I finally responded with it is not a weird day, but I understand. thank you for those words and I am doing the best I can. Happy cinco de mayo to you.
After this it seemed like a whole bunch of communication opened up between us. She would text me about non important things. she seemed happy to talk and very friendly and light. coming up on mothers day weekend which was her weekend she had to teach at a dance competition and I was taking the kids early Saturday. an hour after she dropped them off she called me crying. there had been a tragic death of a babay in her family. it was awful. we had just spent the night before at my sons talent show and out to eat telling stories about them being babies and to think of a baby passing was awful. we communicated throughout the day about it.
the following day was mothers day and I had tickets to a monster truck show for the kids that we have all always gone to. She expressed interest again. so the next day we all went then ate dinner at a restaurant and went back to her place and did a bunch of things with kids. again she seemed so happy to do this, followed by texts later in the evening.
the communication continued this way for a wahile. we attended the funeral together as a family and went to dinner with her entire family afterwards.
we continued to do things together and communicate and memorial day was approaching. she had the kids this weekend and in all years past we had went camping together, even the previous when we were not together. Again this year we did. her and I laughed and talked the entire time. we had too much to drink one night and I had to take care of her and we actually ended up sleeping in the same bed in the camper after kids fell asleep in other. nothing sexual at all.
During all this time we have not had a relationship talk, nothing from her regarding missing me etc..but it seemed like signs were being shown.
A few weeks would go by and same communication but she seemed a little colder some days then others right back to the new way. Her dance recitals came about and I helped with them and she thanked me so much telling me she couldn't have done it without me etc..we still had plenty of communication but got a little less.
Fathers day came and we did some things together with kids and then D9 bday we all did stuff, but now it seems very cold almost like she has disappeared.
a few notes for thought
I have never told her anything to make her think I was trying to make things work. I have been very nice and helpful which could be read that way.
there has been a pattern that when she has the kids she is willing to do things together, but when she does not then she wants no part.
she has become a little secretive to kids about things. S6 asked her flat out if she had a boyfriend at dinner and she quickly said no then he asked me pushing us towards each other. we both laughed.
I will admit I have never gotten over her. something inside me tells me we are supposed to be together and will be. I know silly but when I feel very strongly about something most times in my life it becomes that way. say what you will about that.
I have had gut feelings that she may be testing waters with different OM and hiding obviously.
I am interested in hearing everyones opinions. Whether false start, I chased too much and involved myself too much and didn't let her make more of an effort. I was feeling that I need to reciprocate her advances. may be she was lonely from brekup and needed something to latch on to. I really have been down all of the roads and what I am doing currently is just backing off completely. I don't send the texts or initiate at all.
It hurts and I want to as we all know but I know this is what I am supposed to do, I do really just want to look at her face to face and simply say what happened? why are you different towards me?
I know all of you will smack the 2x4 for that!
anyway thoughts and comments go!!
Otw,
Next time she texts you for no reason, ask her to pickup a bottle of wine and come over. If she says yes, then get a sitter and hang out have fun and hookup. Then you will know if she has a romantic interest or you are in the friend zone. It really is the simple. As the man you have to take the lead.
that is the one avenue I have not gone down and I had been thinking that I needed to throw caution to the wind and take charge. interesting and thank you.
Hello otw,
I'm so glad you posted an update to your situation.
She could be major league temperature checking you to see if you are still available as plan B. It sounds like your changes have been noticed.
I would hold off on any kind of pursuit at this point. However there are things that could work and make a difference. I suggest you speak to a DB coach, as they are experts in looking at what has happened to bring you to this point in your relationship and what is the best way to interact with her, so that you are most likely to bring her closer and not push her any further away. Your coach's expertise will help you come up with a very specific plan (that may be counter intuitive to what you feel like saying and doing) on how to best turn things around. I wish you all the best and would be happy to discuss the coaching with you.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Absolutely then you know where you stand and then move on if she's not interested.
otw,
There's a chance that you could be one of those OM or her plan B. Be careful when engaging with her. Because it could all about feeding into her ego. But proceed with the suggestion of LH19 and see what happens.
Tread
That is very well a possibility. I think she has definitely experienced some control in her life and relationships. If an opportunity arises I will consider being forward and take charge. Until that time arises I will be happy and moving on with my life as I have done before. If the opportunity does not arise to take charge and see the response I will be very curious as to what happens! Lol
otw!! my old friend. I don't read much on here anymore but usually stop by and see if I recognize the name... what a nice surprise!
So good to hear an update from you. Glad to see you are dealing with things well. Our WW's seem similar as do our situations (minus the children for me). The children must make it pretty hard for you.
You know my story pretty well. But just to rehash a bit. When WW first came back around, she would start contacting like crazy. I remember the first time we got together after 8 months of not seeing each other, it went great! Then that night, the contact stopped and she went cold. I could tell instantly. So it did take me a few days to adjust, but adjust I did and went back to very little contact. About 3-4 weeks later, she started contacting again and wanted to meet to 'talk'. So meet we did, we talked, it was just OK this time and then back to being cold but I just kept doing my thing. This repeated maybe 2-3 more times. Then from then on... almost a year now, she has not been cold or distant... in fact I have been!
Anyway, back to your situation. I tried to put myself in your shoes and thought about what I would do. LH has an interesting suggestion, but it is definitely not what I would do. The reason being is that I don't think one night would tell you anything. Anything can happen one night and she could be back to being cold the next day, no matter what happens. I don't think her saying yes or no to that offer means anything.
What I would do, is when she goes cold, is pretty much let it be, like you did several months ago. It is a long haul, longer than anyone thinks.
Of course I am not in your situation so I think you know the best course for yourself. Seems like you are going to wait and see... which seems like a good move to me!
Anyway, glad to see you posting! Hope you have time to post more often.
Pinn
I as well check in and look around. I knew I would hear from you but you explained exactly the same thing in your situation as in mine. It is very tough with kids though. When she goes cold she will be too wrapped up in her going out life to call them and say good night. Their relationship is so strained.
I really believe at this point with the coldness I feel and my instincts tell me to stay away for now. If she breaks through again at some point then maybe I will take charge and see what happens. But right now she seems wrapped up in something and there is no time for me or kids which is sad.
I forgot to mention that during our time apart of course I struggled but i definitely haven't just been laying around waiting. I have been living life. Being single is not what I want right now in my life but I really haven't come across any relationship worthy females at this point.
So the gal stays in movement for me. It does get hard missing my kids half of the time then it is also hard trying to work on my days with them!
Pinn we always had similar situations and I guess I will see what happens. Her actions have been telling the story right now of what she is wanting so that is that.
Yeah I'm with Cristy, she's temp-checking you. Do you know the squirrel analogy? If you want to feed a squirrel you hold the food out and hold perfectly still and wait for the squirrel to come take it. If the squirrel approaches and you make any movement towards it at all it will run up a tree and the whole process starts over again. You really don't want to go into pursuit mode right now. It sounds like you've been doing great and being independent, and that's getting her attention. So keep that up! That said, these are exactly the kind of baby steps Michele says to look for. It's a very good sign your W is starting to think about you in a positive light again. But she still has further to go on her journey.
there has been a pattern that when she has the kids she is willing to do things together, but when she does not then she wants no part.
Honestly, I think this says a lot. Shes getting to play family when it's convenient, but then go off to be single when theres no kids to deal with - why would she want to spend time with you when it's easy to go flitting off with whomever.
Kaizen can I ask then how you change that? I have children like OTW and although only just starting on this path I will be in a similar position. I will (at some point) want us to spend time together as a family for the kids sake as I know H does now but he refuses to give up OW so would never want to spend time with me. I'm not trying to focus on him spending time with me but how do you not give your kids that time without it seeming like your giving WAS their cake and letting them eat it?
Thank you all for the input. It is much appreciated. More than likely this was temp checking. It almost feels like she was looking to make her way back but something popped up that she might like better and she wants to go see what it is all about.
She definitely has a way to go.
For now I will just keep living and note what happens. Even yesterday she was on the phone with the kids in the truck on Bluetooth and started asking my advice on some new work venture she is trying to start. I gabe very brief answers. I could tell she was looking for more. I enjoy helping and it felt wrong not to give more information.
I must admit I do feel used. Even D9 said something after about it.
If she asks more I will give her info then move along.
Anyway let's see what the day brings. Always hard as the kids leave today.
I will (at some point) want us to spend time together as a family for the kids sake
How is this for the kid's sake? I can be civil with my ex. I can survive in the same room for things like parent teacher conferences, sports games, recitals, and so on without needing strangle my ex or the AP.
But I dont see any reason to go out to dinner and play family. How is that helping the kids?
Kaizen, I'm just over 2 weeks in and I want nothing more to spend time together as a family but he wants it when he wants it and if OW is available he doesn't. My kids don't know yet so I think I'm a long way away from where you're at. Thanks for responding and sorry if that sounded confrontational it wasn't meant to just having a tough night
If there is one thing I learned is that we can not be responsible for the relationship the kids have with the was. I actually am quite annoyed with this last go round for them because they also saw how we were interacting and they stated mom likes you and would try to get us to kiss and be close.
I will need to protect them more if there is another bought of her poking her head in on is again. Basically making her work more.
Well a little update
Not much shift from the coldness except on the holiday for the 4th. we all spent the day together but it really didn't feel the same. It was definitely for the kids.
Kids told me some news yesterday that kind of started to make sense in a timeline and explain some stuff.
Apparently OM that was over and moving away had showed face yesterday. He goes away for his work and had been gone since the break up and right around the time I noticed things getting a little cold I believe he was back for a while and I am guessing they had reached out to each other.
Kids went to a pool party for on of the kids that W teaches dance to and he showed up to go along. Kids say this is the first time they have seen him Obviously W has been communicating and seen him. D9 said mom just lied to her about everything and and hates it when she lies.
So I now understand and learned a valuable lesson that I was way too quick to respond, be helpful, and basically interact. I guess that shows me no matter how I may still feel I need to tread way more lightly.
I am battling getting over my own feelings of anger and sadness I feel like I was used to an extent but more I feel like I was filling a gap of loneliness and uncertainty for a time period. I also wonder if I tried to lay back and let her make the moves too much and didn't show enough desire.
I know all of these are my thoughts we all may have gone through and deal with and I know should have really just lived my life and not become attached.
What I am dealing with now also is my desire to say a few things to her. I know she is still waiting on me to help her with a few things and be there for some stuff. Which I am not touching but I know she will most likely bring them up and I just want to speak freely.
I have read other situations on here that all have had the same things happen and guess I should have known better!
I do also feel bad for the kids as they are in a really tough spot. They speak to me and say that they thought things were getting better for the family. I need to protect them better.