I'll skip the summary this time, but each of the last threads has a summary, and all the links are on the first post of my older thread.
Older thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2672335#Post2672335So, I'm still here. No surprises there, and I don't expect to be going anywhere anytime soon.
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This was my last post, just to give this new thread a little something to start with:
Hey Painter. I'm sure there are plenty of things that I could be doing. I just have to get out and DO them. Tonight is my first BAN meeting, so that's something. I still have a lot of trepidation about it, because I have no idea what to expect.
I'm really disappointed about the DivorceCare availability locally. Yesterday morning I searched the website for a group nearby (I've been looking every few days), and a new group within 50 miles finally showed up. It was supposed to start on 6/26, and I got all excited! Yeah - a new social thing I could do that was geared toward others like me. I didn't note which church it was at, only the city, because, who'd think I needed that info right away when it starts in June? Well..... I reloaded the page to see if there were any more options, and the 6/26 series was GONE!!! Huh? Now the next one that's starting isn't until September, in a different city and church. well, bummer.
A couple nights ago I signed up as a volunteer for Habitat for Humanity because that kind of work is right up my alley. I was getting excited to put some of my skills to work for a good cause, but there are no builds scheduled in the area in the next few months. All registered, and nowhere to swing a hammer. I have plenty of such things I could be doing on my own place, but that's not exactly the social experience I was looking for.
So, still working on the GAL thing. Hands shaking like mad this morning, reminding me how ridiculous I would be trying to wield tools of my real trade. Fine motor skills are an issue, even writing. Grrrr. I had hoped the beta-blockers would help, but the one day I seemed better after increasing the dose must have been a coincidence.
I was feeling a bit sad again this morning, but I just let myself feel it and it passed in about half an hour. That technique is definitely helping me. I still need to work on my grief homework, as I see my counselor on Friday. The only one I hurt if I slack off is myself.
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Since I wrote that I went out and did some walking and some birdwatching. I was by myself, but I love being outside and the birds are in breeding mode, so they're all showing off. Birding this time of year is great because the leaves still aren't out yet.
Hoping the meeting tonight is OK, and that everyone is having a positive kind of day.
I forgot to mention that the DivorceCare that starts in September is 91 miles away, so kind of a nonstarter. I hope something a whole lot closer shows up soon.
I just made a few calls about DivorceCare around here and it seems you can jump in as long as there's a few sessions left. There's one that has 3 left nearby, starting tonight, so I hope to go there to check it out. Then they start again in September, so it seems this is common.
I must have missed what you wrote about BAN - what is that?
I'm sorry the betablockers didn't resolve the hand shaking. But a good day gives hope for future improvement, right? (((hugs)))
I still think you should go to a local animal shelter and pet some cats and dogs... It's so soothing and healing to bury your face in warm fur.
It's the Beyond Affairs Network. It's a group made up of the non-cheating spouses. I'm not sure what to expect, but I'm eager to give it a shot. The only problem is I am the only person that RSVPed to the MeetUp, so it might be just me and the local group's founder. That would be awkward. Yikes.
I know that I could go to any DC meeting, even if it's been ongoing, but I really am searching for the social contact that comes with seeing the same faces every week. Plus, the earlier subjects are just more applicable to me. Dealing with anger, etc..., rather than the later stuff like reconciliation. Who knows if that one will ever even apply?
My parents have dogs, and I have my own cats, so I get lots of furry critter time in. Really!! I also have a bunch of chickens, and they're all kinds of fun. Feathers feel good, too.
Pop in to say hi Phoebe and let you know I am doing well. I appreciate you checking in with me and your kind words.
Pencil smiles on and we will both have a good day because we are going to decide to have a good day!
Go for it Phoebe! If nothing else, it will be a drink out with someone who has also been though a difficult time. And who knows, one or two others may turn up too. It's a good way to meet other local people I think as often strong bonds can be built from support groups like these.
Good luck!!
I agree the BAN meet up would be good. This site is like therapy for me. Talking to people that understand and don't go straight into "oh just leave him" because as you guys know it isn't that simple. If a zombie apocalypse happens, I'm there on your team. Especially if those zombies are cheats! I have enough shoes to hand around.
Good evening Phoebe. I hope you have had a great day and shared many pencil smiles.
How did your meeting go. I hope that it went well and can be another source of support for you.
I wish that I lived in an area like you where you can get out in nature. It sounds so nice every time you share your adventures. This big smoggy city here is depressing some days, when trying to get outside. I'm gonna have to plan a weekend to get out of the city so I can reconnect with nature. Or should I say Neature.
I wanted to let you know that today has been a really good day for me. In spite of the explosion from the WAW yesterday, and lack of sleep, I have been calm, in a good mood and feel, well confident. My IC says this is the best I have looked and scored in the past 10 weeks. I know it's a roller coaster ride, but I feel as if the outburst form the WAW has flipped a switch that I now realize, the wife I was hopeing to reconcile with is no longer here on the planet. I must move forward now. Maybe the aliens will return her after some probing, but right now, it's time to move forward. So here goes......
I wish you a restful and peaceful night. It will do ya good and it is well deserved at this time.
(((Phoebe)))
Thank for the encouragement, Sotto. Cherry, you are hilarious!
So I just got back from the BAN meeting. It was good and awkward. Good in that it really was nice to meet people, not hear the "kick him to the curb" thing, and to talk with others that had been through their own difficulties. What was awkward was that it was in a community room, so no food or drink for distraction, and at first it was just me and the group coordinator. Luckily, a great lady showed up after about 20 minutes, and then it was so much better. Don't get me wrong, the coordinator was nice, too, but I felt like I was under a microscope.
So one of their stories was a good one, in that after a year of being gone that wayward spouse came home and is working very hard to repair the M. The other one didn't work out, and there is a lot of anger there.
I did get an incredible and genuine hug from the woman who came, and that was really welcome. She said she remembered how little physical contact she had during her year alone and that she knows how much she needed it. She's so right. My parents aren't touchy people, so one of the things I am missing a lot right now is human touch.
They both commented that I am doing well for someone so early in this process, but I surely don't feel like I'm doing well. I guess my brave face disguise was working.
So, anyway, it was good and I'm glad I went. I just hope there will be more people next month.
Sleep well, my fellow insomniacs!
The BAN meetup sounds interesting! And I agree about the lack of physical contact - although H was so uninterested and actually resistant to physical contact outside sex that I have already been starving for it for years. In some ways, it's easier not having him around. And my dog loves to sleep in my arms.
Can you ask your mom for a hug? Or just take the initiative to one? She may not enjoy being non-affectionate physically... it could just be a habit.
I went to a DivorceCare group tonight - not sure if I feel better or worse. I guess dredging up some of this by telling the group about it brought a little of the bad feelings back. But I didn't cry, so that was good.
They all loved hearing about the laws of the Southern state I am married in and wished they lived there. I must admit I don't understand the no-fault laws. They should be an option, but not the only one.
SadHub, we must have been typing at the same time! Thank you for checking up on me and I am so happy to hear that you had a good day. Your comment about your W possibly being returned after some probing gave me a good laugh. Maybe all of our spouses are up on the same ship???
I am so hopeful for you after what you wrote today!!
I think I'd like that same switch to be thrown for me, but with almost zero contact in weeks, I'm still hanging in the land of limbo. I am definitely working on moving forward, but I'm just lacking that measure of certainty that your WAW's behavior has inspired in you. Not that I'd like a similar scene, mind you. I'm still wincing on your behalf. Her choo-choo has surely jumped the tracks!
I really am very lucky to live in such a beautiful place and not a day goes by that I don't stop for at least a few moments to appreciate that fact. Even if you live in a city, though, there are ways to tap into the beauty of the natural world. It takes a bit more effort, but it's totally doable. When I go to cities, one of my favorite things to do is to visit the local botanical gardens. LA has an incredible Japanese Garden that is associated with a water treatment plant, of all things. I've visited gardens in Denver, El Paso, Seattle, Portland OR, Raleigh, Denver, Washington, DC, Boston, various cities in Europe, and lots of others, pretty much wherever I go. I also seek out parks, as almost every city has a number of lovely green spaces to enjoy. There's nothing like eating out of doors, too, so even a little picnic on a park bench can be a wonderful way to reconnect to the Earth. Time to get back to Neature, SadHub!
While I was out walking and admiring birds today I was daydreaming about a name for a local birding group for novices, if I were to ever start one - I'd call it "The Early Birders."
Wishing us all a peaceful sleep and a day with laughs and smiles tomorrow!
Hi Painter!! I have to agree with you on the flaws of a no fault system. It seems like there definitely are cases where asset distribution and/or spousal support ought to reflect the actions of an injurious spouse.
I can totally empathize about the difficulty of telling your story. Telling mine to strangers is one of the hardest things for me to do. Partly it's because I feel some degree of shame or embarrassment, even though I know I shouldn't, and partly it's because each telling brings up all those same emotions that I felt at the time the events occurred, and that is painful.
Good for you for not crying when you told your story. I was worried I would lose it for a bit at my meeting, but somehow I kept it together. In the other hand, if either one of us had started to cry, I'm sure everyone there would have completely understood. They've all been there, too.
I agree if either one of you had cried, it would be all too understandable, but well done to the both of you for not doing so.
I'm with you on the embarrassment, we really shouldn't feel embarrassed. But I do, and the negative person inside of me makes me feel as if I have done something wrong for my h to stray. Or that the ow is something way better than me. And we all know that they aren't a better offer, and this is no fault of our own- it's all them.
Glad the meet up went well, glad to hear you are out there keeping yourself busy. The contact thing is hard, I've never considered myself an affectionate person- except where my h and baby are concerned. But I do find baby's little arms and "I love you"s are very comforting. Reminds me of who I need to focus on
Hi Phoebe!
How has your day been. Mine started of a little rough, but as the day went on I am in a good place again. I am going to master the sleep and early morning thing and then I will be in a good place.
Also I know as I accomplish some of the goals I have I will feel like proses is being made and then I won't have enough room in my head to get caught in the mind loop.
Good news is my L said he was supposed to receive the D paperwork as it was filed several days ago. Bad news is WAW is dragging her feet on the finance agreement stuff.
But anyway, I wanted to pop in and say Hi, and it is good to see the meeting went well for you last night.
Well, the day was mostly OK until a little while ago. I looked at H's damn photo feed again and there was a quick video where I can hear a woman laughing next to the camera. It must be his AP, and her voice sounds like mine. It made me angry. I shouldn't have looked.
When he texted me last week saying he wanted to meet the next day, he went out of his way to say he was at his place, 'by himself." Apparently only for those few minutes. She's out there liking all the stuff he's posting, so she's very much still in the picture. So much for "dead end R," and 'she's moving away soon,' and all the rest of his BS about her.
Why am I standing for this M when he doesn't care in the least? What a schmuck.
Other than that, I'm just working on my grief homework and reading. My enthusiasm for my whole day just tanked.
Ouch, ouch, ouch...
Yes, that would hurt. And make you angry.
You're standing for the M in the same way you're making payments on your car instead of just stealing one. You are the person you'll ultimately live with, either with or without H or someone else. And you need to know that you didn't act on your upset feelings, but was thoughtful and high-principled.
I'm reading a lot of English novels from the 1850's these days. They are soothing and supportive because they are all about the rules of human interactions, morals, manners and etiquette. There are long paragraphs about the characters' thoughts and reasoning, showing how some behave badly and hurt others due to egotism or stupidity, while others show restraint and act on principles. And they are long-winded enough to put me to sleep.
And now here I am again, having a total breakdown again, sobbing and hyperventilating over this very same man. And this is WITH the stupid Xanax on board. Where did this come from again?
All I did was glance ahead at my grief recovery book and see that I'll have to plot a relationship graph, starting with our first meeting and then all the significant events thereafter. Just considering it made what little anger I was just feeling turn to despair. It's just knocked me over. I wish I could warn that 19 year old girl to run away from that boy. I'm not sure that all the good times in those 25 years can counterbalance the pain of the last 4.5 months.
Maybe I should be grateful I'm only (only?) having these breakdowns a couple times per week now? Meanwhile H is out having a lovely time with someone else, encumbered by nothing more than a bit of guilt now and then. Maybe not even that.
i can barely breathe right now. no more Xanax in the house. gotta go find a way to calm down.
Oh, no... Can you take a hot shower? It really, really helped me through the first several months. Something about the water and sensation of warm touch.
I'm calmer now. Not sleeping yet, despite Benadryl and Xanax, but calmer. Exhausted.
Hi painter. Thanks for checking on me.
(((Phoebe)))
I hope that you can get some rest today. Be gentle with yourself and let it pass. I wish I could tell you something that could turn of the pain. But I know that it has to pass through and you have done so well to take the actions to heal and move forward.
I hope that pencil smiles, meditation, and the company of a loved one might ease the struggle this day.
I pray for you Phoebe, I hope to hear that you are in a better place after some well needed rest.
Hi Phoebe, I'm sorry you had a rough morning. If it helps at all, I can remember having some terrible starts to days and by the end of the day I felt calm and centred. Sometimes just releasing some energy and grief helps settle you again.
What you are going through is the road to recovery. So having meltdowns like these - whilst difficult - do help move us forward I think. In time, they will grow less frequent and less intense and at some point you will rarely grieve because you have moved so far forward.
It can feel hard to see this when you are in the middle of everything - but you only have to look around at others on the forum to know that you will be in a similar place when more time has passed. Do try not to mind read about your H. Who knows how happy he is feeling with OP. He may (or may not) be wracked with guilt. May or may not be starting to feel trapped with OP. May still be feeling elated. It takes a while for the impact of poor choices to seep through, but in time for most situations it does.
Take care - feel the sun on your face and potter in your yard, have some gentle company and enjoy your animals - this too shall pass xx
5 hours of fitful sleep and I'm exhausted, look awful, and need to drive two hours each way to see my grief counselor. I thought about rescheduling again, but I need to deal with this, so I'm off.
Unless there is done pressing need, there is no way in hell I am ever going to look at H's photo feed ever again. its a poison.
Thanks for your kindness, Painter, Sads, and Sotto. It means a lot. Last night was awful and hit me completely out of the blue. This morning... well... I can't say it's better, but at least I'm not in pieces.
Rainbow hugs (((Phoebe)))
Pencil smiles
Neature walks
Exercise
Meditation
Hot shower
A good meal
Journaling
Social connection
And special care for yourself.
I hope these and any other healing actions you can think of may benefit you this day Phoebe.
I will check in regularly as i am concerned for you and want to provide the support and strength that you have done for me on my bad days.
Phoebe, can you get away for a weekend or longer? I wonder if going somewhere - vitising friends or extended family, going somewhere with a full schedule, could be helpful. Even a weekend hiking trip or other organized thing, just something that takes you out of your head for a longer period of time. I'm worried that staying in the house for so much of the time keeps you stuck in missing H.
I know how good it has been for me to change surroundings, probably much more than I realized before I left.
Another thought I had was if you could look into using part of your land for a group so there was new activity and people around yoI'm thinking about things like school field trips (nature walks), a walking or agility training area for dog owners, small garden plots for rent for people who don't have land, a co-op farm (even with animals?).
I know co-op farms back where I used to live where there was an entire community of people supporting one organic farm - people sign u on a more regular basis. I don't know your local environment, but up for certain days/weeks of the season where they will take part in the work, and they pay a fee at the start of the growing season to get a weekly bag of veggies.
I think it could be good for you to take a step forward in a new direction - do something - that doesn't include H. Something that takes your life past that intersection of 'he should have been here for this, we planned this together'. Do something you and he never thought about, something you don't tell him about, or includes him in any way (or is about him or the R).
Sending thoughts for a safe drive back and forth to grief counseling. ((((Phoebe))))
Thank you so much for your concern and kindness, SadHub, Painter, and Sotto. It's not been a great stretch of days, though at least the pattern is remarkably obvious at this point. I have contact with H, even tangentially like just seeing what he did to our home, and I fall apart. It then takes me a a couple weeks to put myself back together again.
On the bright side, at least I haven't yet done a complete Humpty Dumpty, so I can still put myself back together again. Kinda. Sorta.
It seems like every visit with my grief counselor takes longer than the previous time. This time I was at her home from 11-3:30. Wow. I admit that we both like to take breaks to chat about easier subjects, but it still amazes me how mch time she shares with me. She just lets me talk, and I do the same. It's very nice. Did I ever mention that she only charges a flat fee for all 7 sessions, and it's way less than an hour with a lawyer??? Apparently that is the norm for this program. No, she is not a formally trained therapist, and that's totally fine by me. She is just another person who went through her own hell, found a way to help herself and then got additional training in that method so she could help teach others. I guess I'd classify her more as a facilitator than a counselor, but you get the idea. Her generosity with her time is pretty amazing, and I really like her. We spend quite a bit of time talking about pets. It's a great neutral topic compared to our grief. (Part of the process is her sharing her own grief, so I imagine she needs a break sometimes, too.)
Painter, you are right. I do need to find something that I can own for myself from start to finish, something that H never knew about, thought about, touched, etc..
I'm thinking about bringing home some more chicks, but I'm probably losing my mind on that one. I'm actually selling enough of my eggs that I'm running low. I never thought that would happen, as I've been getting 9-12 eggs per day, and I was swimming in them! I've sold 13 dozen since I put my little box out, and have 2 more already spoken for that aren't even laid yet. My birdies just funded their own food purchase last night and they're got enough for another bag in reserve. So... Maybe some chicks would be a nice little project. They would mean a need for an expanded enclosed yard, too. Still thinking about it.
I'm very reluctant to spend money, and the bigger yard will cost money and time. I already have what I call a "baby coop" and all the other stuff I need for little ones. I don't know. Yesterday I would have said yes, today... Thinking.
Well, I've hung out more than long enough in this fast food parking lot, so I ought to get back to my drive home. Thank you everyone for checking on me. I'm going to do the pencil smile thing while I drive and see how it goes. And I'll try to be kind to myself about my falling to pieces moments. I can do passing sadness, but the breakdowns are a lot harder. They don't pass through me. They just knock me down flat. Ah well. I went to sleep after being knocked flat last night, got up, and managed the first part of my day without a repeat, so I'll call that a minor success.
NO MORE INTERNET TRAILING OF H!!!!
just a reminder to myself
Oh honey, sorry to hear about the falling to pieces moments. They aren't great, they come in waves with me too, but glad to hear you pick yourself up and get out doing something with yourself.
The grief counsellor appointments sound like they are doing good. And it's great that she spends so much time with you. These appointments really sound like they help.
I love the idea of the chicks! It would be a great little project I think
I am proud of you, Phoebe! You are doing as well as can be expected! You get up every morning and go about your day, even when it's the biggest challenge. You allow yourself the grief, but also remember to smile. You are open to new things but are learning to place the past further behind you. This is the hardest road you will ever walk in life, but I have no doubt you will get through it braver and stronger than before! I think one day you will look back on this and know what I mean.
Blu
Hi Phoebe,
It sounds like you had a good session today. I also think it is good that you are able to discuss other things to break up the focus on the difficult topics.
And I agree no more internet trailing of the H.
Hugs for you, and I hope you can do something fun tonight to take your mind off of things. You deserve it.
(((Phoebe)))
Hang in there. I am more than a year past bd but I am going to let you in on a little secret. It was only in the past few weeks that I have managed to totally stop stalking him on out texting app. That was so not helping me at all and there wasn't a way I could make that infomation work for me.
You are getting things right faster than I did.
I wish I could have told my younger self to run when I first met xh. And that any of my suitors would have made me a happier person than he did. But it is what it is. I appreciate the good times that we had because I believe that most of them were genuine. And it gives me faith that I am capable of happiness.
You are capable of happiness too, Phoebe. And you are capable of happiness with or without your H. Life will get tough. It will get lonely. But you are enough for you. And you are such a wise lady. I am betting that you will find detachment faster than I do.
Hi everyone. I'm back home. Despite lack of sleep, today was a decided improvement over last night. I got to spend a lot of time with a really good empathetic person, and I was definitely in a better place, mentally.
On my way, I drove a bit out of the way and stopped into a local agriculture store to look at the chicks they had available. (Lots of nice breeds!) I'm still trying to decide.
I checked my own coop, and I know for certain that I have more than enough roost space for them at night, and the coop itself is large enough, as long as they have adequate space outdoors. When I need to keep them locked up they have an enclosed yard - say the weather is poor (winter!), or when I'm out to town. Chickens are brutal to each other and I already have some bullying in my group, so they are telling me that on confined days they are short of space. I need to build them a bigger outdoor under-roof area, so I might as well make it a little bigger to accommodate a few more birds.
I think I'm talking my self into more birds as I type. I mean, what the heck, right? What are 6 more (little) mouths to feed? It's not like I'm traveling between two states anymore following my H around, right? I am heeling myself in right here in my own place because I want to stay here.
The only real thing that pulls at me is the possibility of going on a long hiking trip again. In the past, I always sort of told myself that if anything happened to my H (and here I was thinking if he died suddenly, not if he ran away from home and got an OW) that I would go out and spend a few months hiking to get my head straight again. Part of me wonders if I ought to do that now, but I don't know if that would be healing in this circumstance, given that all of my previous trips were with H. Would I be lonely, more devastated, scared? I don't mean scared of being alone outdoors, or of the dark, or of anything silly like that, but of the larger picture. I just don't know. I should go out for a few nights to see how I feel about doing it alone.
Now there is a prime idea for me to get the heck out of the house for a few days - a short backpacking trip. The forecast this weekend is crummy, so i have time for some research, and the local ag store is going to have chicks for the next 6 weeks, so no quick decisions required. I don't think I can hand off baby chicks with a pet-sitter, so if I do some camping, it should be first.
You know, I am an idiot. I just realized when H started back into his secret life last year - right when we got our chicks. Because I couldn't leave chicks with a pet-sitter, he was going on his own back to the other state on his own every couple weeks. I was hemming and hawing if we should get chickens or not, but he encouraged me. After D-day he told me he swore off contact with his club "friends" after I found pot in his travel bag the previous fall (at the time he said it was from a coworker and I didn't know the club friends existed), but then he reestablished contact with them midyear. Sigh.
Another piece of the puzzle falls in place. I was told about this at the BAN meeting - that over time I would fit the puzzle together more and more. I guess it's true. Those cute little chicks gave H an excuse to get away from me.
Well, that was a crummy thing to just realize. And on that note, I think that he is never going to come back. He planned this for far too long. Sh1t.
Cherry, Blu, SadHub, Grl, Painter, Sotto, and everyone else here, I am really glad that I have so many of you looking out for me these days. My home team is pretty small, so knowing that there are others out there in this big world helps a lot.
Thank you.
NEATURE and pencil smiles to you all!
I love your place and all that land and nature. I live in a concrete jungle.
Phoebe, realisations like that will keep coming. And you will start to look at your life just before BD in a very tainted way. Maybe you could write them down, keep them in a jar and then burn when the jar is full or let them flow away in a river.
And then for happy memories, with or without H, you can write them down on tiny strips that you use to make stars? And then fill up jars with them. I am thinking of taking on this project with kid. Or if you're more handcrafty, make them into paper cranes.
Destroy memories that hurt you and make something beautiful with the memories that build you up.
You know, Grl, I really like that idea.
A friend of mine made herself a rag doll doll while she was in therapy. It was made entirely of strips of fabric on which she wrote her thoughts. I've never looked at it closely because I don't want to invade her privacy, but I have always loved the idea. I just wouldn't want a permanent record of such private thoughts, though.
Putting them on paper sounds lovely. Set the bad memories free, and make something beautiful from the good ones. I love it.
Grl, that is a lovely idea!
Phoebe, are there any backpacking meetups? So you can go with a group of people? I think that would be key, not be alone with your thoughts.
I don't know about backpacking Meetups, but there are definitely hiking Meetups. I did see one backpacking trip with some other group a couple weeks ago (adventurers group, or something?), but it was before I had my gear. Now that I have my equipment again (collected when I went back to the house), it's totally an option. You're right, Painter. Other people would help me keep my mind off H.
Here's something totally random: I just made a chicken saddle!!!
Imagine an apron (but as thick as a pot-holder) that you put on a chicken, but it covers their back instead of their belly. I mentioned that I have some mean girls in my little crew, so this is to protect the victims from feather-picking. A saddle should give more submissive girls a break so their feathers can grow back in. Now I just need to sew 6 more!!
Phoebe, I'm sorry to hear of your story. I'm finding meetups a great place to maximum your GAL. Go for it. Carpe Diem!
Lots of love your way, I see such positive support you give others on their threads. We thank-you for the giveback even when you are dealing with your own Sitch.
That's a great idea with the apron! I painted gentian violet on the back of the ones that got picked on, I was told it hides the red color that makes them more eager to pick.
Do you have a rooster? We had a bantam that was so tough, his son killed a hawk!
The loveliest breed I had, was a Cochin - she brought up 3 generations of chicks for us from other hens, she'd hatch all their eggs if we'd let her! She was so protective of her babies, and a wonderful mother.
Thank you, 1gr8dad. I have always believed that we get back what we give, and I try to help others in what small way I can. I truly appreciate all the kindness I have been shown here.
Painter, I keep meaning to buy Blu-Kote (gentian violet), but I keep forgetting it when I go shopping! I've been kicking myself all week for forgetting. I've been in 3 stores that should have had it. Darn it.
I only have hens, but one (or more) keeps pulling the feathers above the low-pecking order girls' tails. A couple are looking pretty silly and sad. I had wrapped that in my group I'd get at least one rooster, but no such luck. I still want one. He'd keep an eye on the girls when they free-range, and he'd keep them together better. As it is, they scatter in all directions as soon as I let them out, and then I worry about them more.
I was also hoping for chicks the natural way. One of my buff orpingtons was broody a couple weeks ago - to the point of sitting on an EMPTY nest all day long. I had to install her in a broody breaker to get her to cool it. I did like her little scolding churring sounds every time I got near her, though. It made me laugh.
So I'm doing OK at GALing, as long as it pertains to chickens! AS for the rest of the day... work in progress.
"I had hoped" for a rooster, not wrapped. Silly autocorrect strikes again!
The hiking sounds like a good plan. This is a prime time to pursue those things that tug at you and will stretch and stimulate you.
We have the Ramblers Association here in the UK. Do you have something similar? Also, we have many long distance paths and I always liked the idea of walking one of these. Might something like that be enjoyable? Or a walking holiday with a group? Have a think about what you want to do and start planning.
You may want to start small and comfortable (walking group?) and often once you're settled in, one thing naturally leads to another - ie: that group plans a walking trip and you go.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do & I'll be right here cheering you on! Xx
Good morning Phoebe.
I hope it was a more restful night for you. I agree that getting with a group to start your hikes can be a great way to stay out of your head. I am a pretty private person generally, but I have made connections since my sitch went down. The social contact, the genuine concern from folks that I barely knew, and the opportunity to just talk with others has really helped me. I plan to continue to expand this as the social connections were long overdue in my life.
I believe it can help you as well.
I have to admit that I have dropped the ball on our meditation challenge as this week was so busy. Not really a valid excuse, but it is a wake up call to get some things back in order for me. I must move forward, break old habits create new opportunities and see what I have been missing in life as I fell into a routine with WAW that led us here.
I love hearing about your land and chickens and all of that. I so want to move to a place like that. I grew up in places with lots of outdoor opportunities. I really must get out of the big city. That and I want cooler weather. It is so warm here going outside is not the most comfortable.
Sending you big hugs, pencil smiles, and a prayer that you have a most wonderful day.
I did sleep really well, even if I only managed to get to bed bed at 2:30 am. I got to reading a long thread here, and time kind of slipped away. With a little Benadryl assistance I got a full night's rest, meaning I slept pretty darn late. Oh well.
So, SadHub. We need to get ourselves back on the meditation train. I challenge you to do it today!! At least twice. I'll do the same.
It's funny to hear you and others say that you want to move out of the city, whereas my H couldn't wait to go there. He rejected life in a place that I find so beautiful and that he claimed to care for, too. Now he tells me that he only did it for me, that he was never happy here, etc.. Deflecting blame and doing the old revisionist history thing again.
My Mom asked me today if I had heard from him. Really nothing in weeks now. I don't even know how long ago I met him in the half-way city. I'm probably trying to block the memory. It feels like forever. Or just yesterday.
I really know I need to build social connections. There are no truly local MeetUps, as my area is not exactly a bustling metropolis. Put it this way: The next village has a population of a few hundred, and I live outside of that. I drive 40 minutes to see my therapist, 25 minutes to get to a Wal-Mart, 45 minutes to my dentist or my doctor, 35 minutes to my Weight Watchers meetings, 35 minutes to my BAN meeting, 2 hours to my grief counselor, etc... Most of the hiking Meetups require me to drive about 3 hours each way, because we're kind of in a flat land sort of area. The nature walking Meetups are more like 40-60 minutes away, whereas I can walk and enjoy nature right outside my door.
Yes, my H has it right that there are certain advantages to city life. He was able to immediately fill his life with lots of other people once he decided he wanted to do so. Add in the social lubricant of lots of alcohol and club drugs and he got himself a whole new circle of people. For myself... well, it takes more deliberate effort.
Despite the distances, I still like where I am. It's home. It just makes expanding my social circle kind of challenging.
I really know I need to build social connections.
...
The nature walking Meetups are more like 40-60 minutes away, whereas I can walk and enjoy nature right outside my door.
You're going there to enjoy people...
Remember? Go!
I love the country and the city, but I prefer to live in a city and visit the country. Small city near the country is the ideal combination.
I know, Painter, I know. It just always seems silly to drive an hour for a nature walk.
Driving for a hike is different.
I'm definitely a rural person. Put me in the country, with a couple small cities nearby, and that's about perfect. I can go out for anything I need, and then I get to return home to a place that nourishes my soul. I been listening to a mourning dove, red-wing blackbirds, grackles, a song sparrow, a robin, and barn swallows while I've been typing. I like that.
I've been outside working on projects for a few hours now, and needed a bit of food and a bit of a break. Thought I'd check in with an update. I feel like I am steadily making things better around here, even if it is a long, slow process. I don't mean to imply that the place is completely wrecked, because it surely is not. All told, maybe 1.5 acres of the 120+ is messed up, and even within that space it's just patches that are rough, not the whole area. Building sites, for instance.
I've been spending quality time with my animals, so that's good, too. I know, I'm supposed to be with PEOPLE, but it's been raining for days and will again tomorrow. Today, however, is gorgeous. I'm feeling good, and I'm rolling with it.
Hope everyone is having a lovely day!
Your country retreat sounds amazing. I too live in the city and miss the country.
I love grl's idea of the jar- great idea to put all those bad memories some place and let go.
I think if you can join some group and go camping/hiking would be great. The meeting of new people and adventure would do you the absolute world of good I'm sure.
You're an inspiration! Keep on keeping on!
Phoebe, your h sounds like my xh. Xh could never stay in the house. He had to be out and about. It's as if there's so much going on inside of him that he's trying to escape that he has to keep distracting himself.
I think your H can't stand being in the country for the same reason. There's little to distract him from the turmoil or emptiness that he feels inside.
I like what you said in bluwave's thread about how the WWS project onto us their weaknesses and insecurities. Xh said that I made him feel inferior, when I tried my darnest to always include him in decision-making. The irony is that he hated decision-making.
And it's really true that the AP only mirrors back when they think our (x)S want to see and hear. These AP can really be master manipulators.
I think it's lovely to be able to work with nature and animals the way you do. And I like that you are aware of the need to reach out to people.
The sleep issue is icky. But there came a point when you will be so worn out once the adrenaline wears out that you will finally be able to sleep.
Phoebe,
It is amazing what a good nights rest can do isn't it?
I will meditate 2 times today for sure.
So I wanted to throw this at you. I want you to be creative in coming up with a way to make some social connections. You are driving quite a distance for many things related to health and mental health. Now you need to find a way to do it for the social connections. Sure you can walk in nature right outside your home, but you do that alone. Drive the 30 minutes for the nature walk with people. Because it is to do it with people.
This is paramount right now to speed up your healing process. Trust me. I am an introvert that has always thought that I preferred to be alone with my thoughts. These past several months have shown me otherwise. I believe stepping out with others is helping me. To chat about my sitch. To chat about other things so I don't think about my sitch. And in time, so I may make meaningful connections. It is outside my comfort zone, but being creative is helping me do it.
Social connections are a big key to leading a more fulfilling life. Sometimes many of us lose sight of this in our MR and I think that is why it hurts so much when the BD happens. We don't want to be alone, and the WAS is what we perceive as the only person to keep us from being alone. But it is a big world out there. Many people just waiting to get to know us and care for us.
I am challenging you to come up with a plan for making social connections at least once a week that are related to GAL activities.
Hi Guys! It's true- sleep can do a world of good, so can a few more days away from tangential H contact.
Grl, what you said about your husband sounds so much like mine that, frankly, it's kind of scary. Maybe we found two long lost twins? H always talked about how his mind was going all the time, that he was constantly distracted. He also told me that I made him feel inferior. I also think that H feels empty inside, and he's just trying to fill that hole in any way that he can. I honestly think that everything he's done and continues to do is a form of self-medication.
My grief counselor and I talked about short-term energy releasing behaviors a couple meetings ago. These are the kinds of things that in moderation, and if done for the right reasons, can even be good for us. But if they are done to excess, and specifically as a way to distract ourselves, they can become pathologic. People who are grieving often engage in them as a way of trying to feel better. If done to excess, they are a sign that a griever is struggling to process their grief. As we talked about them, all I could think about was my H.
Here are some common STERBs: sex, alcohol, drugs, exercise, partying, affairs, isolation, fantasy (reading, movies, etc.), internet, exercise. There are lots of others, but you get the idea.
The whole time I kept looking at the list, I was thinking of my H. My counselor stopped, looked at me, and said "I know that you're thinking about your husband, ad that he is exhibiting so many of these behaviors. He's got something that he's grieving, too." Mind reader.
I really do love my farm. I wish I could figure out a way to share it with more people. Part of it is that it is large, and, quite frankly, not all that many people who have visited really like to get out and walk around. I always loved that my H seemed to like walking it as much as I did. When we'd get bogged down in too much work, we used to reward ourselves with a nice walk in the fields or woods. It was a treat. And with that thought, I am reminded once again, that I just don't understand my H. I just sit here and shake my head. It makes no sense.
Anyway, enough of that.
SadHub, and Cherry, and Painter you are all right, of course. I know without question that I need to make more social connections. Obviously I have no objection to driving to necessary appointments. Honestly, I don't object to driving to any group activities. There just aren't all that many of them that I've been able to find. MeetUp is just not a bustling thing around here. I will definitely reframe how I look a social activities, though - they are as important as seeing my therapist or my doctor.
I am a semi-introverted person. I used to be incredibly shy, and quite a loner, but over the years I have found that I do enjoy talking to and being with people. I strongly dislike group situations, though. More than a few people, and my enjoyment goes down a lot. Parties aren't any fun, for instance, so that kind of thing is totally off the table. I feel incredibly awkward in those situations.
You are exactly right, Sadhub, about losing outside social connections and focusing all that energy into our MRs. I know I did. I don't think I qualify as codependent, but I prefer to be very close to a couple people, as opposed to having a group that I hang out with. I was the same way as a kid. I had one or two close friends at any given time, and I never hung out with groups. That pattern has, for good or bad, been consistent for my whole life. So, it always felt kind of normal that I had H and one other close friend. I know and get along with a large number of people, and can talk to almost anyone, but I don't consider them close.
So, two years ago my best female friend died, and then H, my best friend in the world, left. I know it's not a good place to be. I had a few other people I was semi-close to, but one of them also died within a month of the best friend I mentioned. It was a bit of a rough stretch that spring, with four deaths in the first 5 months of that year - an uncle committed suicide, my best friend died of cancer, the other friend died of a heart attack, and then a hiking acquaintance I had kept up with over the years died of the same cancer as my best friend. It was hard.
I've tightened up two more friendships since BD, and that helps. I've always been close to my parents. I have a few others that I've confided in, but I'm not close to them. I did reach out to the woman I met at the BAN meeting, but she has not responded to my message yet, and I also reached out to another woman, a co-coordinator of the BAN group who asked me if I wanted to get together with her individually. I replied that I really would like that very much, but she never responded. Sooooooo... not the best responses, but I will keep on keeping on.
I definitely need to reframe how I look at social stuff. It's therapeutic, and I just need to do it. Period.
SadHub, I accept your challenge. One purely social GAL thing a week.
2 am and all's well... Except I'm wide awake. Sigh. Otherwise I'm fine.
So I realized after my last post that I already have a cool GAL activity lined up for this Wednesday- an Audibon Society lecture about bluebirds!!! This was even before the SadHub GAL challenge! The following week there is an even better one about Grassland bird conservation, a subject close to my heart. My fields are host to a species that is becoming less and less common over time. I'd like to know how to help. .
So, back to lying awake. Come on Benadryl!
Aha - well I have a challenge for you. To linger and have a little chat with someone at the lecture....maybe see if one GAL event might lead to another.
Good for you - and hope you drop off to sleep soon. Have you tried meditations which help you sleep?
Xx
^^ sotto's challenge.
I don't know if I have posted this in your thread but kid and I have a bedtime routine. Warm shower/ bath, read, wind down and then sleep. When she was younger, I would play lullabies. For myself, I have a perfume that I use just for bedtime.
Do you have a similar routine? I find it hepful. Especially the scent and lullabies. You can of course choose other more adult music.
As for supplements, gaba plus melatonin plus 5htp knock me out.
Phoebe, I hope you got some sleep. I just stayed up too late because I'm a night owl by nature. The problem is that as I get older, I can't sleep in anymore...
Do you think your H may have ADD/ADHD? I know my H has and it has contributed to the demise of the M. There is an good book and website out there about it, if you google I'm sure you'll find it (I can't post the link here).
The lecture sounds like fun, as long as you get invovled. Why not invite the group to your property to see the bird you mentioned?
I also wanted to say how sorry I am about all your recent losses.
That is an awful lot in a short time. Maybe some of what you're feeling now is related to that, as well. A grief counselor was probably a very good choice in your situation.
Painter, I'm a night owl, too, but I have been fighting it tooth and nail for the last few months, and for the same reason you mentioned - I can't sleep in these days. Once I wake up, I'm done.
For my whole life, I would go to sleep and wake up 8 hours later. Like clockwork. Lately, though, I've been waking at first light, and been unable to get back to sleep. The only thing that has helped is to try to get to bed earlier. I've got the dark curtain thing going now, and it buys me more sleep in the morning, but I'm more in the 6 hour a night camp now, and if I can't get to sleep in the first place, then it's going to be a lot less. Last night I lay there until at least 3:30 am. I tried reading before bed, as that's kind of my bedtime ritual. I'm avoiding caffeine, taking benadryl.
I do have melatonin, so I'll try adding that tonight. Thank you for that reminder, Grl.
Thanks for the kind words about my losses, Painter. I had this baseline grief from those deaths, and the loss of those two friends left me even more invested in H, so that when he took off I was just bereft.
My H has always wondered if he has ADD/ADHD. His father certainly exhibited plenty of symptoms that would fit that diagnosis. H took a trial prescription of Ritalin once, but he didn't think it helped him. He also tried SSRIs another time, and didn't think they helped, either. Of course, now I know that he didn't take them long enough to even make that kind of decision, and the dose may not have been appropriate. I wish he'd found something that had helped him, but he just sort of gave up on that line of thinking at that point.
I'm looking forward to the Audubon meeting. Maybe I can get into some birding stuff in a more serious way. I'm just a novice, but a very interested one. I actually considered taking a 6 weeks birding class in March, but it was kind of expensive, and at that time I wanted to stay available to potentially travel to the other state at any time to work on my M. That was back when I thought we were piecing. So much for that, huh?
Today I'm heading out to a local greenhouse (an amazing place, by the way) to buy my Mom some hanging baskets for Mother's Day.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you beautiful mothers here! You are incredible, and I admire you all so much.
So I got myself all excited about going to a last-minute nature walk Meetup today!! The timing was tight, but I had exactly enough time to get those flowers and arrive in time.
I did my lightning fast flower purchase, but then, as so often happens to me when I go out, I ran into someone that knows me, and she started talking to me about having to put her pet to sleep. You know how this goes, right? I couldn't tell her I didn't have time talk when that was the subject. So I listened and offered my sympathy. She's a very nice person. Talkative. I know her, I know her sister, I know her BIL, I know the pets they used to own.
Then she asked me if my H was still out of town, and I fessed up about him leaving. I am pretty much unable to lie, even if it's in my best interest. Ugh. My big mouth. I regretted it instantly.
I know too many people in this area. I grew up here and I worked locally for a few years professionally. I even worked for the greenhouse owners in high school. I actually saw another person I know there, but she was talking, so I was able to dodge her. I like knowing so many people, but it makes it almost impossible for me to even go to the local gas station without having to stop to talk. Getting milk can take half an hour. Normally I kind of like it, but these days.... Well, you know the whole shame, embarrassment thing, and the local gossip mill thing. I'd rather avoid it.
So, great, I missed my nature walk AND I shared my heartbreak all in one fell swoop. It made me feel bad and it'll probably go out on the news wire this very afternoon. Awesome.
I guess I'll go deliver my flowers.
Hello Phoebe,
Don't sweat missing the meetup or sharing the sitch with someone. No point in adding that to the worry bucket. There will be another meetup and folks are gonna talk about what folks are gonna talk about.
The positive side of this for you is that you are being creative in finding potential social interactions, so that is a win. The other positive, is as you share your switch with others and do so as you see fit, it won't matter if they talk about it, because you did so first.
I have actually found many folks supportive of me, as they found out from someone else, but when I brought it up, they were anxious to share support with me. Even some that I would not have thought cared much about me. It is actually a little liberating.
But I do understand the desire to share it on our own terms, but I would say, you did that today.
Don't feel bad, you are making progress and that is something to be proud of.
And thanks for this tip on mixing cold meds. Funny thing before all of this, I was the one that would always check that stuff out as WAW was on so many different meds for things and then would take over the counter as well. Now look at me not even thinking about it. Well, I did it for 3 days and no noticeable side effects, so hopefully I am good. I will be more cautious moving forward. Fortunately I am feeling a bit better today. Just tired and a little weak, but all in all I hope to be back up and at 'em tomorrow.
I will check in with you this evening Phoebe.
Oh Phoebe, the amount of loss you have dealt with is just heartbreaking! It feels like the double betrayal when H pulls the rug out from under you when you are still grieving/healing. My H did the exact same thing! I had suffered several losses and hardships and so when this happened within the following year, it just put me over the edge.
I am so, so terribly sorry. I don't know if everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that over time we can find reason for why things happen, and then slowly allow ourselves to enjoy the silver linings after recovery.
I hope you can have a more peaceful and restful night, you certainly deserve it.
-Blu
Thank you for your kindness, Blu. Add in my grandmother in February and my father-in-law 3 years ago who died 10 days after entering the hospital, and it really has been a lot.
My next assignment for my grief counseling is to write down what they call a loss history graph. Basically it's a timeline of your life on which you plot all of your losses, be they minor or major. I've got quite a bit to record. I think that it's been piling up and piling up, and the H leaving just kind of was the last, and heaviest, straw, so to speak.
Super shaky sort of day, even though I'm been feeling mostly OK. I helped my father work on his own tractor today, and delivered the plants to my Mom, so that was nice. Then we all had dinner together, which was also lovely. She liked her flowers.
SadHub, on some level I know it shouldn't bother me so much to share with people, and yet it just feels like I'm admitting that there is something wrong with me, somehow. No matter how many people tell me that it's not my fault, and no matter how much I can agree with that sentiment intellectually, my heart still feels like I failed at something very important. Once again, my brain and the heart don't agree. Brain says, "so what if everyone knows." Heart says, "hide it away." Maybe someday they'll be on the same page.
I'm glad you didn't mind that I mentioned the drug interaction thing. Now that my H tells me I treated him like a child, I worry that I'll say something wrong. I'm careful what I say to my parents, too. H's changing list of complaints has kind of messed with my head.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist. The state park I was going to go to today is right near the office, so I'm going to drop by and check it out afterward. I honestly didn't even know it existed until a few days ago, so I'm kind of excited to see it. There's a whole MeetUp group focused on this one park, from wildflower walks (what i missed today) to birdwatching to a lecture on trees. It's something like 350 acres, so there's plenty to explore.
Thanks for checking in on me, everyone. I'm going to try to get to bed earlier tonight, and Grl, I will definitely be adding in the melatonin!
Wow. I just looked back in my thread and realized that it has been 4 1/2 weeks since the disaster that was my last meeting with H. I had no idea it had been that long already. I so wish it had never happened. There has been almost no contact whatsoever since.
What prompted me to look was that I just had to send him an email asking him to check to see what happened to our tax refund. He said it would arrive by direct deposit, but only the state refund has showed up. I suspect it went into his private account, which will be a bad thing. I wish I could stay NC completely. I really have no interest in contact these days. I think of him and I just sort of feel empty. Sad, anxious, depressed, all of that, but empty.
Yuck. Just sending him that admin email makes me feel gross. Like I need to take a shower again.
Is repulsion a form of detachment, because I think that's what I'm feeling right now. Partly it's because, in looking back at my thread to see when I last met with H, I was reminded of how awful that last meeting really was and how badly I fell apart afterward.
Is there anyone out there whose spouse has completely dropped out of contact who can share their thoughts? Is my dreading contact normal? My disgust?
I think it's time for me to watch a DVD. Something to help me shake off this feeling.
Add in my grandmother in February and my father-in-law 3 years ago who died 10 days after entering the hospital, and it really has been a lot.
This jumped at me. I've read that divorce after a family death is very common.
H opened the door to OW after he lost his job, which was a big deal to us all.
When you're married to someone with ADHD, it's very hard not to become a parent in some respects. My H also felt the same way with me - that I treated him like a child sometimes. Big part of the resentment. You have to keep reminding someone to do stuff, otherwise important things don't get done. H also refused to use a calendar with reminders or anything that could help him remember things. He tried ritalin, and it helped, but it also made him really mean, so he quit them.
I'm sorry your H didn't get proper follow-up from his doctor... Any medical provider should understand that they can't just send someone with ADHD out the door with medication and no follow-up!
So fun that you discovered the park and that meetup group! I can tell you sound more interested in this than anything else.
I hope you found a fun dvd or watch. A good movie always takes my mind off of things.
I don't have much advice on my spouse dropping out of contact but I can tell you I do dread having to have contact with her. This weekend a few contacts in person and then this evening on the phone. Ugh...the phone convo was the worst. I will journal some details in my thread. But I wish at this point I could go no contact. I guess I need to work more on the detachment. Although I am not a fan of confrontation and I am not so sure if I would dread the same kind of contact with anyone that is so vile and nasty as she has been when we have to talk. It is just plain awful, and catches me off guard every time.
As for repulsion being a form of detachment. I am not sure, but I will tell you that I do know that feeling as well of late. So while I can't answer the question, I can tell you I have felt the same.
D17 and I just did our meditation, so I am hoping you have as well. Even just a 1 minute meditation counts I say.
Sleep well dear Phoebe so that you feel peace and start your Monday off well.
Ugh. So the movie I chose has a character who is a complete philanderer. So, for the record, a movie to avoid if infidelity is a trigger is "She's Funny Like That." I turned it off.
I was thinking earlier (bad idea, I know) and another piece of the puzzle fell into place. Last year my H went on a biz trip. He told me had to stay an extra week for work, and when he came home he was acting really strange. I already found out that he traveled at least part of that extra week and lied about it. (H didn't tell me, I discovered it in my own a couple weeks ago.) Why didn't it occur to me until tonight that there was more to it than just travel? Something happened on that trip. Did he cheat then, too? Was that when he decided he was leaving and everything afterward was just him waiting to pull the trigger? The worst part was that I went WITH him on the first part of that trip! Why did he ask me to even go along if he was planning to do something like that?
The BAN leader said that in the case of waywards that give 'trickle truth,' rather than coming clean all at once, that I might start figuring things out in retrospect. The pieces of the puzzle would start to fit together. He also implied that trickle trurh is a poor prognostic factor for R. He asked me if I would be surprised if the affair (or affairs- so awful to even contemplate) started earlier that what H admitted. I said I would be. Why am I so naive?
I spent 25 years always believing the best of this man, and now it's like the facade is crumbling off. I was looking at photos today and I thought we had such a good life and R. I wonder if I will ever actually know the truth. How many more times will I figure things out like this?
It's s crummy feeling to wonder how much of my marriage was a lie.
Hi Phoebe, yes I agree it's a yucky feeling when you start looking at and questioning earlier stuff. A year or two before BD my H was due to travel home from work but decided to stay overnight after some work drinks. I was miffed at the time because he wasn't upfront about it. He didn't want to let this guy down and he also didn't want to let me down.
After BD I asked him if this had been a ONS - and he said no. But after all that has happened since, I do wonder you know?
25 years is a long time to be together and I'm sure that much of your life was good or your M would not have lasted so long. It isn't all a lie - but as you say, it's possible that waywardness set in a little earlier than you knew about.
Hope you managed to get a better sleep last night & take care xx
Hiya, Phoebe.
You asked Sandi:
Sandi, you give such great advice to LB husbands. Is there anyone whose threads you might recommend who can provide some similar perspective for a LB wife? A former WAH/WH, perhaps? I could really use some input. Thanks in advance.
There's one that could be considered quasi-WAH thread. Look up Train's threads which were posted over in the Infidelity forum. Starsky and I helped Train re-attract her H who was deep into OW affair. All of the gems, nuggets and scripts are all in Train's threads.
Thank you very much, Wonka. I will definitely go find Train's thread.
Phoebe, wow, I could have written some of your posts! Our sitchs are different in that I knew OW, H and I have children, and we were in frequent contact. However, when I read your posts about feeling shocked, blind-sighted, and how this happened right after several of your own personal losses, I can relate to ALL of it!
We had a wonderful M, we had fun, we talked about everything and adored our kids together, and we were very much in love. We had the same life plan. I adored him! I never, ever thought he was capable of hurting me, and then BAM--he turned it all upside down! In terms of putting the puzzle pieces back together because he withheld info over time, and if that makes reconciliation less likely, I would be interested to know why. Before I found out about the EA, there were many signs and I even got the neon-sign script "ILYBINILWY" utter BS/justification.
That being said, I knew my H better than anyone. I knew that something was terribly wrong and this was not what he wanted in life! I think that was why I knew he was in a fog--this was the opposite of his nature, being the kind, loving, family man. So while everyone was supporting me and encouraging me to move on without him, in my heart, I just knew he would come back around.
I don't know if that helps or not. Your H is different than mine. I guess what I am saying is to trust your gut, it rarely steers you wrong. I can look back at so many things that happened in our lives and family, and I can say now that my gut and my instincts--void of any analysis--were right on target.
Hope your mind can rest and tonight is a better night.
-Blu
Well, today has been a pretty nice day.
I will admit that I cried at my therapist appointment again. Darn it. I made it through the last few visits without any of that. It wasn't a full-blown fountain or anything dramatic, but I did have to stop talking for a bit and pull myself together. Ugh. SO frustrating.
The weather today was gorgeous. Cool, breezy, sunny. After I saw my therapist I headed over to that State Park I mentioned earlier. It's only 2 miles from his office, so it's something I can do anytime I see him. It's a beautiful place, hilly, wooded, cliffs, rocky (I love hiking on big rocks!!!), and there's even a small glacial lake. Lots of trails, though it is the kind of place where there are so many trail intersections that you have to choose your path all the time. I'm definitely a long trial kind of person, so that's a bit odd. Anyway, I was impressed, particularly since I had never heard of it until about a week ago! I even saw a scarlet tanager, so that was kind of special. They're stunning creatures. I've done a fair bit of hiking by myself, so it really was good and felt normal. All told, I probably hiked for about an hour, so 3 miles, or so. Not much, but nice.
For the last few weeks I've been thinking about a road trip out West to visit a friend, but was stalling on it, didn't want to spend the money, wanted to work on my grief recovery stuff, yada, yada. Today my therapist asked if I had considered doing some traveling. Well, as a matter of fact...
So, I think I'm going to start firming up those plans. H spent plenty of money on his trips to parts unknown to party and do whatever. There is no reason for me to feel guilty about doing some travel, myself. I'm a cheap traveler, and when I get to my destination I'll just stay with my friend. Really, the only cost is fuel and 4 hotel nights, total, as I want to drive out there. Heck, I could even camp! I like driving across country and watching the land change as I go. There's something very grounding about watching the eastern woodland transition to the midwest fields, crossing the Mississippi, then seeing the transition to dry grasslands and then the mountains. I've done the drive a number of times, and more than a couple times by myself. Not sure about a date yet, but I'm thinking soon.
I'm still torn about getting new chicks. I really want to, but then I'd immediately have to leave them with my Mom to chick-sit if I did that trip. (She'd already be taking care of my other critters.) Somehow I doubt she'd be terribly happy about that. Still thinking.
Blu, I don't really know what my instinct says these days. In my heart I know that he is lost and is trying to fill the void in his life by whatever means give him the most positive feedback. I absolutely do not recognize the man I knew in his current actions or life. On the other hand, it is becoming clearer to me how long his fantasy life has been going on - at least 2 1/2 years, now from when he started lying to go out clubbing and developed his secret friendships. The PA is just sort of the latest stop on his journey. That's a long way down a road that I can't understand. I can't see him not wanting to come back to the life he has led, but I also couldn't see him leaving it, so... I'd say my instincts are suspect. Given the almost absolute lack of contact these days, I have no idea what he's doing/thinking anymore.
Speaking of contact, as predicted, he responded immediately to my query about the refund. Supposedly should see it in our account soon. If I contact him, even in a tiny way, he responds very promptly. My two brief sentences without preamble at least got a hello, an answer, and he signed his name. That's more than I gave him. I'm going to leave it at that for now. The less contact I have with him the better.
I mentioned to my therapist my feeling of revulsion after sending that tiny email, and he seemed pretty surprised that I had such a visceral response. He asked me what I would think if H came home tomorrow, given that reaction. I told him that I wouldn't allow him to come home. He'd have a whole lot of work to do to get to that point. Right now, it's hardly worth considering, as it's not on the table.
Sotto, thank you for your input. I think waywardness comes in many forms, and H's started as learning how to lie to me and then just slid from there on down the slippery slope to a full PA and walking away.
Painter, the loss of my FIL was the beginning of my husband's slide. By the following summer his ability to hide things from me was well-formed. He was seeing a therapist about that grief that he never told me about until there was suddenly a huge fight out of the blue (same woman who now tells him he seems happier than he's ever been - sigh). By that point he was already out clubbing. That was in mid-2013. I think that death touched off the cascade that is still ongoing. He actually told me that he was sure he'd regret all this in 10 years, but by then he'd be an "old man!!!" (at 53) Wow. Last time I checked, that was far from being old, but the seemed to believe it. Old is a state of mind, anyway, but that's another discussion. The point is, I think that seeing his father die at 60 made his reevaluate his own mortality, and not in a positive way.
So, SadHub, I just listened to another online mindfulness mediation reading on YouTube, and can I just say that it was AWFIL!
Let me count the ways... first, it had birds in the background, so all I kept doing was trying to figure out if they were outdoors or on the video (video, because I didn't recognize them), then she kept talking about silly positive use of my imagination to tell myself good things, that I can have fun, etc... Ugh. how about just telling me to imagine some pretty clouds or a beautiful forest and leave it at that?
The last one I tried to listen to had a man reading something in a near whisper that had so many words with the letter "S" in them (starsssss and galaxiessss, etc.) over the soundtrack that I'm pretty certain that it was aimed at that tiny part of the population that exhibits the AMSR phenomenon. (Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about - it's really kind of strange and vaguely unsettling. Hopefully I don't cause offense to anyone by saying that. Listen to a couple of the AMSR videos and you'll know what I mean. To those with the response, AMSR is pleasurable, though.)
Anyway, that meditation video was also awful, as I don't have AMSR and the constant sibilant sounds made me cringe. Definitely not relaxing.
So far, the guided meditation has been a fail, and I'm struggling to shut my mind down to do it on my own in silence. I'll try again later tonight.
Sorry this was SO LONG!!! I use this forum to help me sort out my thoughts, and so I tend to ramble on and on. and on.
Thank you to everyone that's chipped in with advice or thoughts or encouragement or even 2x4s! It means a great deal to me.
Hi Phoebe!
What a fabulous day you have had. You have gone through a full range of emotions, got in some physical exercise, enjoyed the outdoors, started making some fun future plans and listened to some awful meditation youtube videos. And if you are not smiling after that, then pick up a pencil already.
You did not mention sleeplessness nor shakiness one time. Now if you did have those things, don't bring it up now. Stay focused on all of the other stuff and you will start to adjust and lose both.
I am saying this, as I have noticed my shakiness going away. Why you might ask? My answer today, is because I have not thought about it much. When it has creeped in, I am finding a specific reason for it not related to feeling anxious. Things like hunger, anger, sickness, caffeine, etc. Once I give it a reason, I notice it slow and stop. Kind of weird, but it has worked since last Tuesday, so I am going to run with it. No anti anxiety med for almost a week.
So the sleep issue. Over the weekend being sick, I may have mixed somethings I should not have (a little birdie told me) and well, my sleep was better. I stopped the mixing after the birdie, and well, I still had some wake ups. I promptly fell asleep, and then this morning, I woke up, laid there for a bit, and just jumped up and went for a jog. I have felt good today. Not as much sleep as I think I need, but I am going to try and not focus on it, and see where it goes.
So, that is my 2 cents and why I commend you for journaling so many good things that can hold your focus and take you forward. There will be triggers, as there were for me last night, but I am now aware, and will focus to counter them. Today has been great in spite of the challenge last night. I had several folks post great thoughts, feedback, and genuine concern and comfort on my thread and it has added to the hope that I am feeling today. Thank you Phoebe for being one of those that check on me regularly.
For the mindfulness meditation I am reading a book with an 8 week plan that is really good. I know there are many things out there, but you may have to poke around until you find one that works. Keep at it and remember, there is no fail, unless you quit.
Excellent travel plans! I don't know how far north you are thinking about going, but if you do a stop-over just an hour or two west of Chicago, I'd be thrilled to get together for a visit!
Don't feel bad about tearing up at the therapist's, that's where you're supposed to! Much better than the grocery store, where I broke down once.
I'm glad you're getting your refund (although you shouldn't have had to ask), and hope it will help you feel better about spending a little money on the trip.
That park sounds like my kind of place - I like to meander, stop and look at stuff, and not get too far from the parking lot.
Maybe you can get a rooster and let your hens have chicks? I am always in favor of the natural way if possible - and that was also the easy way.
I think that my H was also thrown off his trajectory by losing his job. Suddenly, it was like he should grab what he wanted because life was unfair to him - he had worked very, very hard, and lost everything without having done anything wrong. Maybe he felt that he should do something wrong since he had already been punished... IDK.
I think what your H did, is very typical - but that therapist should not be a therapist! I would consider reporting her to the licensing board if she's encouraging him to have an affair and lie to his wife of 25 years. It is truly malpractice.
And I know exactly what you mean about guided meditations! I have listened to so many with poor sound quality, too loud background music, ennervating noises, etc. I especially like the ones with intense buzzing sounds that get louder and louder and then fade again. My favorite guided meditations are with Deepak Chopra. His voice is perfect for it, and the accent makes you feel just a little removed from ordinary life.
You guys are awesome!
SadHub, you had me laughing, and I really appreciate it when that happens! I mean who wouldn't laugh at the idea of subjecting oneself to awful meditation videos, and calling it fabulous!?!?
It really was a good day. Sorry that you're back to some sleep issues, and that that nosey little birdie messed up your program. Still, better safe than... rested? Not a great trade, is it? Anyway, your approach to just call it a night and get out for a jog is an incredibly admirable one! I'm going to give your approach to the shaking a try - ascribe blame to something specific and see if it helps. I know for certain that if I think about it much it gets worse. I've been trying to ignore it the last few days.
I'm glad to hear that you haven't needed the anxiety meds this week. I take them maybe once a week or less these days, but I feel no guilt if I need to do so.
Painter, I would be driving right by Chi-town, so I would absolutely love that! Let me figure out my plans and come up with a time frame. I don't have any specifics yet.
Therapists must see people cry all the time, but I still have a hard time crying in front of people. My instinct has always been to hide my emotions, so I feel trapped. He's really good when it happens and is very soothing, always telling me it's OK to show it, etc.
I am so sorry to hear about your crying in the grocery store. That must have been really difficult.
I'm with you on your assessment of H's therapist. I think that she really messed up when H went to her after his dad's death. He needed treatment for depression, but she missed it. He didn't see her again until recently, but she has no business validating an affair or his causing so much pain. Gaining happiness at that expense is not OK. I don't know her name, so there's nothing I can do about it. I asked him to find someone else, but... You know.
On the other hand, he could now be lying to that very same therapist. Maybe he didn't tell her about the PA. Lying by omission is his forte.
Tonight I started writing down notes for making my loss history graph. Given that it's to record the losses over my entire life, there was plenty to note. Tomorrow I'm going to turn it into its final form, a timeline on which the events and their relative intensities are plotted. When I see my grief counselor on Wednesday, I will need to read/present it to her. That will be hard. I've been warned in my workbook that I will probably cry, and that I will need to just keep talking through that. That'll be hard. I pretty much can't talk if I'm crying.
I wish you all a restful sleep, and if that fails, then have a good jog, SadHub!!!!!
Painter, I would be driving right by Chi-town, so I would absolutely love that! Let me figure out my plans and come up with a time frame. I don't have any specifics yet.
My schedule is pretty flexible, so let's figure something out when you get it more in place. Something to look forward to!
Therapists must see people cry all the time, but I still have a hard time crying in front of people. My instinct has always been to hide my emotions, so I feel trapped.
This jumped out at me. H hides his feelings and I would have to say it has caused problems in the R for me. Interestingly, he's the one who cheated and I felt it had to do with his inability to voice how he felt - he partly felt that I was overpowering and partly that I wanted something he couldn't give.
I don't know if you hid your feelings from H, but that's something you may consider changing?
I'm good at explaining my feelings and expressing them verbally, but I don't act them out. Maybe that's what you do, too?
I am so sorry to hear about your crying in the grocery store. That must have been really difficult.
It's a long time ago. It was after the R before I met H, ex-BF also cheated on me. Those two are the only ones, though.
Now think about kittens and tropical beaches and sleep well!
Well, still awake, shockingly enough. I've been laying here in the dark for an hour already and I'm not tired at all. Apparently I really should have taken the Benadryl.
I misspoke (mistyped?) about hiding my emotions. What I should have said is that my instinct is to hide my tears or pain. I didn't hide them from my H, but I prefer to hide them from everyone else. Mainly, I just never usually had any tears to hide. I was really never a person that cried very often until the very first major issue with my H after his first go 'round with his therapist, post FIL death. This fight just came out of nowhere (H just suddenly blew up), and it was so out of the blue and bad that I was blown away. Since then, I've cried more, and since BD in December, well... it doesn't help to consider it. A lot.
Other emotions I have no trouble showing, sometimes to my detriment. My face is an open book, so emotions are right out there. It's one of the reasons I am the worlds worst liar. I don't let anger or resentment build, unlike my H (like that fight above). Of course, that's a double-edged sword, too, isn't it? H used to complain that I never let anything go, whereas he went to the opposite extreme, all the while apparently building up resentment until he totally lost it.
Anyway, I suppose I should try again at the whole sleep thing. It's getting on toward 2 am again.
I did meditate again tonight, but it plainly didn't make me sleepy.
Hello Phoebe,
I hope you finally found the calm to sleep.
I had a good nights rest. Awoke only one time and it was brief as I returned to sleep promptly. I then awoke just before my alarm and now I am preparing to go for a jog.
It will come for you. I am going to continue to identify different things that are not focused on my sitch and my mind is accepting it so far.
Keep trying it. Try not to focus on the painful things in the moments of sleeplessness and shakes. The meditation is good. Keep at it and have a lovely day. I will check back to see how you are doing.
2 am here, too. And still wake up at 7. I should get off the computer earlier, the light supposedly messes with our brains.
I understand what you meant now about being private about your sadness. Sounds like we are similar in being open about our feelings in the relationship. I could never keep a secret from H, either. And he said the same thing, that I never let things go, where he wanted to ignore problems and sweep them under the rug. And his resentment built because of that...
Hmmm. I wonder if there is a semi-consistent set of characteristics in a man that make them more prone to becoming WAH/WHs. It seems that there are so many similarities in the relationship dynamics that I've seen talked about here. The woman at the BAN meeting said a lot of the same things. It's like they're following some prewritten script. Same words, similar actions, similar complaints... Maybe people aren't as unique as I think they are?
SadHub, Painter and I are natural night owls, but you seem to be a natural early bird. Awake just before your alarm went off and ready to head out on a jog at what time this morning?!?! The time stamp on your post says 4:16 am. I'm not even ALIVE at that hour!
Especially after breaking down and taking sleeping meds.
I lay awake until sometime after 3 am. Not thinking about my sitch, just yawning away and no sleep coming. I finally broke down, and took the stupid benadryl that I resisted taking as well as a Xanax, simply because I was fed up with laying there (the Rx label actually says to take "for sleep!"). Anyway, that knocked me out, because I first woke up just after 7, and then apparently dozed off again. I thought that only an hour or so had passed, but the clock told me I slept super late. Drug-induced sleep is not satisfying, and it really messes with your schedule if you don't take the meds early enough. It's certainly suboptimal to take the AFTER you've been laying there until the middle of the night. I should just take them early or be prepared to lay there all night and deal with it.
Trazadone worked really, really well for me, but I developed a weird skin reaction, so my doc told me not to take it anymore. I wonder if there's anything more along those lines, because that sleep was pretty normal, felt satisfying, and didn't leave me still sleepy in the morning, or asleep halfway into the day.
Anyway, another gorgeous day around here, even if I was knocked out for the first part of the day! Someone bought another dozen eggs, so the chicks are earning their keep. The person even left me an extra dollar! No idea why, but it was very nice of them. Birdies are out pecking and scratching and bust-bathing. They're so much fun.
I think it's time to go do some more weeding and reveal more of my asparagus. It'll only get worse if I keep waiting!
I hope everyone has a good day out there! I'll check in on you later.
P, That is a bummer that you had a reaction to Trazadone! I think it is one of the best sleep aids and tends to have the least side affects. Often people are given Ambien for intermittent insomnia, but it makes many people feel mildly psychotic and tolerance is built up quickly. ... Benadryl and Melatonin can do the trick and both are over the counter. ... I got to a place where I was taking everything and anything I could get my hands on (which was a lot), but unfortunately developed some pretty unhealthy habits by doing that. Not a good place to be considering I work in the field ... But I digress ...
So, in terms of the wayward husbands having traits in common, I think that makes complete sense. I hope this is not breaking any board rules, and I tried to elude to it in another post, but there is a book I think you should read called "No More Mr Nice Guy." When H came back and read this book, everything started to make sense to him. He could be the king of the Nice guys clan! he read it again and felt like he was holding a mirror up to his face.
So in a nutshell, the nice guys aim to please everyone else (especially women), and are relished in our society for not being "masculine" and all of the negative stereotypes that parallel that. My H was raised by a strict mother, did not play sports, and was often disciplined for any behaviors that were deemed to be offensive to women. So what did he do in life? Became the perfect nice guy husband, father, and co-worker. So as life got more complicated and stressful, and without having his own outlets and coping mechanisms, he snapped. ... And who was right there pursing and telling him how wonderful he was and that the deserved better? ... I am sure you can guess! The anger and self-righteousness swelled, the rug was pulled out, and thus history was rewritten to justify it all.
Is that a MLC? I have no idea, I am still not even sure how to define that. People have asked me if it was, but I don't know? Is the term MLC something that helps the LBS feel better? It is more of a justification for terrible and hurtful behavior so we can forgive them?
I am sorry to hijack your thread, Phoebe. I can't help but wonder how many wayward husbands suffer form the nice guy syndrome!
-Blu
Not a hijack in the slightest, Blu! I'm interested in this, because I think my H also fits a lot of what you just mentioned.
Of course, he also has this whole fantasy life he's enamored of - raves, specific music associated with said clubs, the art scene, city life, binge drinking, drug experimentation. Basically full rejection of what we had together, and what he said he valued. So.... nice guy tilts off into a new, early-20's behavior-oriented direction? As I said, I don't know the guy who values this stuff.
I can't decide if it's a MLC, either. I also don't know what MLC really means.
Yeah, trazadone was good to me... until it wasn't.
There's a number of natural remedies that can be helpful with insomnia - and something as simple as warm milk can actually be really helpful!
Chamomile tea
Epsom salt bath (guaranteed to make your relax if physical tension is an issue)
Valerian root capsules (but get the mint ones, they taste and smell awful otherwise)
Passionflower extract (can be dripped under tongue)
Essential oil blends (I used to put a mix of lavender, bergamot, ylang ylang and frankinscense on my pillow, it works great, also for anxiety)
Melatonin is particularly for a niche of sleep disturbances
L-Theanine
Wind down before bed, make the bedroom comfortable and fairly cool. No computer. A warm bath is great. Read a mildly interesting book. Massage feet with lotion. Try a heat pad for relaxation.
These are all remedies that I have tried or had customers report success with, so worth trying!
You know, I forgot about the tea. I love chamomile tea, so I should get back into that, and I have yet to try out the epsom salt bath. Maybe because my bathtub is full of plants?!?! (I have a separate bath tub and shower.)
And I really do need to cut out the internet before bed. That's becoming a bad habit, and on my phone, no less, so a pretty bright screen before bed. Because I'm not sleeping in my own house, I don't have my normal eye-friendly monitor. A book would be a much better choice.
I am also used to sleeping with a fan at night, and the other house doesn't have one. I'll take a portable over tonight.
Or try the Twilight app! It helps remove the blue light that keeps us awake. I'm going to install it on my phone.
I have a Kindle Paperwhite for reading in bed, and it doesn't seem to keep me awake at all, since it falls down on my face every night...
Hello Phoebe!
Hope you have a had a wonderful day. Your posts seem upbeat today. I sense that you are smiling and you don't even have a pencil.
Well, I was smiling for most of the day, but that ended a little while ago. I was doing my grief counseling homework and it involved me making my loss history graph.
I jotted down all my notes yesterday, but in a random order and with no relative index of loss severity. Today I put it all together in order and with severity indexed. Well... I noticed something. I already knew it on some level, as some of these losses still bother me after greater than 20 years, but I hadn't realized the extent of the issue.
A recurring theme of my life is that I do not feel emotionally safe in relationships, be they friendship or love, or really even with family. It is part of the reason I have had so few good friends, I think. I was never one to have many, but after being hurt, I just used isolation as self-protection. The loss of these friendships left me hurt and not understanding what went awry.
H is only the latest in a long string. The difference is that, with him, I felt absolutely safe for at least 22 of our 25 years together. The last 3 years... well, not so much. We'd have a big fight, and then as I was starting to feel like we had healed, something else would happen, until he walked out of my life without telling me why. Th last issue had been over a year previously, and we were doing so well, or so I thought. There were at least 3 big episodes over those last 3 years that left me very wounded before the final coup de grace.
It's not an easy thing to recognize. Tomorrow I have to share this loss history with my grief counselor, and I suspect that will be very hard. I'm already thinking that I ought to see my regular therapist again later this week. There's certainly plenty to talk about now that i've done this project.
So. I wonder if I'll sleep tonight. I took melatonin about an hour ago, as well as a small dose of benadryl. We shall see...
Sorry I couldn't report a smile, SadHub. Nor can I report that I did any meditation today, though I will do it before bed. I aim for 15-20 minutes when I do it, so maybe I can get some extra credit???
Today I worked in my garden for a few hours. Man, I so regret not mulching my perennial veggie plot last year. OMG. The clumps of grass are massive, then there are the sharp and vicious thistles, horse nettles, and the worst - stinging nettles. Ouchie-wa-wa. I got the whole back of my hand stung up last time I weeded, and that was THROUGH my gloves!
Anyway, it's a tough slog. I have to carefully dig up these big weeds and grass clumps around my beautiful asparagus and rhubarb and berries. I can cover a few square feet in an hour, and the whole plot is probably 20 x 20. It's going to be many days or hard work to reclaim the neglect of one year. Kicking myself.
I did get plenty of critter laughing time in, and my friend came over to sit and look over my fields and talk for a couple hours, so that was great.
Tomorrow, tried counselor in the morning, and then Audubon meeting in the evening. I'm looking forward to the bird talk. Tweet, tweet!!
Smile as you meditate.
It will enhance your mood if even slightly.
Sleep well my dear Phoebe. You have earned it this day.
Hi Phoebe, I gained a great deal from reading 'Daring Greatly' by Brene Brown and your post above made me think of her.
She also has a couple of TED talks on vulnerability and shame. Her work is all around how vulnerability leads to greater connection with others and living in a more wholehearted way.
It's well worth a read. It sounds like you are doing some very useful work by the way - not easy stuff, but digging deep is always a good thing I think.
Hope you managed to get a better sleep xx
Just catching up with everyone, been a bit out of action the last few days.
Was glad to see some happy moments for you, but sorry you grief counselling homework was hard. I guess on the positive, recognising these things is important to begin to heal.
Hope you managed to get some rest, and hope all goes well with the appointment today. Big hugs lovely.
Oh my goodness Phoebe, I could have written so much of everything you wrote!
One of my 180s has been building friendships. Friendships with people (mainly women) of all ages. I'm really enjoying this.
And when I feel down because of what's happened and is still happening, I'll drop one of them a line and arrange a coffee date. I try and go on these at least once a week, and twice if possible. And it counts as GAL too
I'm really an introvert. I find being with other people quite tiring. But I'm also learning that I get a lot back in so many different ways. And we don't necessarily have to talk about what's going on in my life. It's actually a relief not to sometimes.
Btw, my H is pursuing a similar path with what he has been doing (hanging out with a younger crowd, drink, drugs, hard partying...and all the rest).
Hello Phoebe.
My daily check in to see how you are doing and to give big rainbow hugs.
I hope that you got some sleep last night and have had a productive day.
Tell me a bit about the weather and scenery there at your home. I realized I enjoy reading your posts when you share those details as I long to go back to the country.
Ironically we had plans to move from this city this year and go back to a place that had a better outdoor situation. And now I am trapped here for the foreseeable future so that I can keep 50 percent custody of my d5. Not to mention I have silently blamed WAW for us moving here so many years ago. I did not want to move here, but I gave into her to do it. Looking back I have into so many of her demands over the years that always set us back in one way or another. But that's another story for another time.
Sorry for the short rant, my goal is to check in on you and make sure you are doing well.
So pull out the pencil and pull up some YouTube and let's see that smile.
Focus, Phoebe
My WH is 60 and still having out with the young crowd!
It isn't age but waywardness that drives this.
No doubt when I amoved 95 there will be a young whipper snapper of 85 complaining her 88 year old hub has run off with a 55 year old.
It's the dynamic that's the issue in this.
Wrinkles bumps and corns not withstanding.
V
Hi everyone. I was out all day and really need to get to sleep now, but I wanted to thank you all for checking in on me today. I'll get back here tomorrow and get caught up and write about my day. It was good, by the way. Kind of hard with the grief work, but good. More tomorrow!
Pencil smiles!!!
Good morning Phoebe,
I hope it was a restful night, and I am sending you positive vibes and pencil smiles so that you may a wonderful day.
Hello, hello! Another day in the country, so another day with plenty of work. It's been dry for a while again, so i'm heading back out to do more brush-hogging. That project will never end, at least not as long as I still have the tractor.
Out to work and then I'll check in later. SadHub, I'll tell you more about the place. You can do your country living vicariously, even if you're stuck where you are for a while.
Good evening Phoebe.
How has your day been. Hope you had a great outdoor day.
Well, I'm back!
So yesterday I saw my grief counselor. It was hard to talk about my loss history, and, yes, I cried almost the whole time I was trying to talk through it. Big surprise, right? On the other hand, she was an incredible listener. The idea when someone is telling about their loss history or a relationship history is to be a heart with ears and no mouth, so the listener does just that and may react normally and even cry, but should not talk or question.
The idea is not to pretend we will arrive at a point where we no longer hurt. I don't think that is possible, particularly in the case of relationships that are ongoing. The idea is to understand our own history, identify any themes (like my lack of emotional safety in Rs) or any recurrent behavior in ourselves (I realized that I go back to those who have rejected me and pick up any crumbs they drop me, usually in the form of physical attention, hence the reason I allowed intimacy with my H the night before I found out about the PA).
I listened to her loss history last week and she listened to mine yesterday. Then we talked a little bit, and she shared the next step, which is to choose a specific relationship and record that history as another graph. She shared the history of one of her own Rs. It's hard work, emotionally, and my counselor's pain in her own relationship is as present as my own.
So now I need to examine a specific relationship. In this case, probably my marriage, but the same process can and should be done for most major relationships in my life. Again, it's to help me learn about myself as much as it is to learn about the other person.
So, it was hard, but perhaps more of a neutral experience than I expected because we didn't talk about the loss history, per se. I shared my history and then shared the observations I had learned about myself. Then we talked about those observations and themes more than the actually history.
After all that, I went thrift shopping, and it was a sale day at the two places I went. I got 2 pair of jeans and 3 shirts for $16. Good brands, too. Sweet. It's to have clothes that fit. I'm still choosing to embrace the weight loss. Well-fitting clothes make me look healthy, whereas the baggy stuff made me look ill. I tried to wear a pair of my hiking pants today to work in, and they literally fell down. So much for those!
The Audubon meeting last night was all about bluebirds, and it was great! I am definitely going to the one next week, too.
So this is for SadHub. My local report. After being unseasonably cool, today it hit 83 sunny degrees, which is too warm for this kid. Luckily it wasn't humid, so it was reasonable, plus the tractor has a/c.
I have solar panels and they generate all the electricity that I have used since the went in, so today they were cranking out the watt-hours and running the meter backwards. I'm grid-tied, so I pay for the privilege of being hooked up by paying a monthly line fee and basically use the grid as a giant long-term battery. I make extra power all summer and then in the winter I pull it back out. It's pretty cool.
I spent another 4 hours today brush-hogging and waging my continued fight against invasive species -multiflora roses and Japanese barberry. I once though that the roses were pretty. They still are, but now they are the enemy. I love it what a massive shrub becomes a pile of mulch. It sounds easy to drive a tractor around, but it is strangely hard work. Because it's all field edges, and the edges are hilly, all of it is done with the tractor in reverse. I spend those hours cranked around, looking behind me, running two levers with my arms and my feet run the brake and clutch. I get out and my limbs are just kind of trembling and my neck is sore.
Still, it feels like such a victory to reclaim land that was previously unusable. The roses firm impenetrable thickets, and I've probably reclaimed a couple acres or more. It's also cool to be putting the tractor to use. I don't know if I'll be able to keep it. It's just quite a big expense. I'm going to use it all I can in the meanwhile.
You'd think the birds would all fly away while I work, but they seem really interested. I must scare up insects as I go.
No contact with H continues, which is good. Every day leaves me feeling a little bit stronger and more resilient without him. Every day I check the mail, mentally prepared to find that H has started D proceedings, but nothing has come and no word from him about it. Total limbo, but I am out GALing! I know I need more pure social contact, but I spend time with people every day, and the work I do on my property makes me feel like I'm doing something meaningful.
I see my journaling has gone overlong again. Oops.
You really sound very good about your day (last few days)! The grief counselor obviously knows how to keep this at a manageable emotional level. It's an interesting process.
I was reading about a trauma release therapy method (unrelated to this) called Somatic Experience, and the theory is based on how a traumatic experience for prey animals is released by shaking and deep breathing, which resets the nervous system, but that in our human society, we suppress these reactions (based on shame, perceptions of how we should be and behave, feeling out of control, etc.) and that this is why we develop PTSD - we don't allow the body to go through the necessary healing process.
From that perspective, it is interesting to see how you and your providers all think your shakiness should be suppressed by medications or other interventions - it fits right into the theory of how we respond to it. Maybe we need to embrace our physical reactions to trauma more and not try to control them or suppress them!
Congrats on the thrift store finds! I love them, too - have several outfits that look like they cost 20 times more than what I gave for them. And it's such a boost to put on something nice.
I hate to bring this up, but have you considered if the birds that stay close, are nesting in those shrubs...? I know birds will fly very near to try to protect their nests.
Hi Phoebe, I'm with you on the thrift store outfits! I love to browse in charity shops - and if I buy I go for good brands. Yesterday I was wearing a nice top and got a compliment from a female colleague. I was given that top by a friend who rummaged in her own thrift shop bag and gave it to me!
Sounds like you are doing well, given all circumstances. I agree with you on the social GAL, and it is an area to keep extending on I think. One challenge I set myself was - each month, I had to start up a new regular GAL activity. These included things like yoga, volunteering, a regular calligraphy workshop, a reading group, a ladies social group, salsa classes etc.
Over time, one or two of these dropped by the wayside, but almost 2 years after BD, I'm busy and I find that my weeks just get filled with social things. Have you considered volunteering at all in an activity you enjoy? I do a regular stint in a lovely charity book and music store. I enjoy that and meet a great cross section of people...
JMHO of course, but GAL does help a great deal - gives us a new focus etc. Take care anyway, and I think you are doing fine - just where you should be xx
Phoebe,
Good morning. What a good day you had. And thank you for sharing the details of your work and out doors. It sounds amazing. And it sounds like such fulfilling type work. Something you can really focus on and take your mind off of other things.
I am so proud of you and the efforts that you are putting in towards becoming stronger and healing. You sound great.
Have another wonderful day, keep up the Work, looking to GAL, meditating, finding peaceful sleep and don't forget those pencil smiles. I will check back this evening and see how you are doing.