My wife have been separated for almost 4 months.
We had a disagreement over New Years while I was sick with stomach issues- she was visiting family in MT.
We had two therapists her mom set us up with who were holistic healers (yes, I know)!
We went down to Mexico last October and used DMT ceremonially to treat my depression and anxiety due to the loss of my mother dieing n a car crash 4 days after our wedding.
After the accident, we were living in LA at the time and we decided to move back home to Dallas to be closer to family; my W had a job opportunity with my aunt and I own an ecommerce site so I can work really from wherever.
Right after our marriage, I became extremely depressed and my W started to dive into to work in order to deal with her angst of me being in constant depression-- not wanting to socialize and being emotional distant.
She came back from NOLA, where she spent most of her time working, said 16 months into her marriage that she met a group of people that inspired her and she no longer thinks she wants to be married...

I clearly assumed she was having an affair which see vehemently denied.
We ended up working things out after her parents talked to her and reasoned with her that her commitment was more important than NOLA at this point.
I agreed to go to bereavement counseling but she continued to travel back to NOLA for work which I greatly resented.
I stared to use medicinal marijuana to treat my anxiety attacks and she began to resent this.

She then decided to go to fashion school in NY after we bought a loft to renovate, which I thought would be a good creative outlet for both of us.
The financial pressure of fashion school and renovating our condo, while I supported both through my ecommerce business became unbearable and ultimately she decided to come back. While my W was in NY she became severally home sick and intensely attached to me which was promising.
My W came back to Dallas and wanted to move back to LA to pursue a career n styling which I wasn't opposed to bc my partner and office is based there. We moved back and her job stalled, she started to travel consistently and working for a sunglass company based in NOLA.
This was just another dagger and I continued to smoke even more: meanwhile I was all in at work and took care of all our finances, home, dog etc...
This contention drove a wedge n between us which led to the holistic healers n Mexico. I was so skeptical and deeply affriad of going down there but she wanted to and at this point I was willing to do anything to get our marriage on track, finally.

During the DMT treatment, we agreed I would stop using medicinal marijuana bc it made me emotionally detached, I would pursue a new career bc ultimately I was losing passion for what I was doing and book a honeymoon bc we never got to it after the accident.
She agreed she would get a job n LA to help with finances and contribute more to our household, and to stop traveling as much to escape.
Things got better after Sept retreat n Mexico and we seemed to be communicating better, I cut down on smoking a lot, and she got a job and was contributing more to our household.
Christmas comes along, I get sick and go to the ER and she heads to MT for New Years.
Our counsellors ask us to write a letter each other seeing if we met our agreements and she basically vents that I have done nothing, which I accept that I didn't quit smoking entirely, change careers, or book our honeymoon, but there was plenty on her side I felt she didn't agree to including quitting whatever EA she was having n NOLA. After she returned from MT we sat down had meeting with her conselors and the next day she packed up all her stuff and left...

I was shocked, but ultimately not surprised I got really upset at our meeting and was very defensive.
After her leaving I woke up, quite the cannabis, started a healthy routine, and began pursuing career options... All the while being just emotionally overwhelmed.
She traveled to NOLA shortly after that and was staying with friends.
I didn't reach out after she left and began the DB plan. She met up with me roughly 3 weeks in our SP and it was totally amicable I mirrored her discussions and didn't talk about our relationship at all.
I found out shortly after our meeting she was at Mardis Gras which pissed me off -- thought was so disrespectful, reached out to her and suggested divorce is probably needed bc we're headed in diff directions she said ok and hung up.

I didn't sleep or eat for 48 hours and called back told her she had right to do what she wanted since we are separated and ultimately I love her and want to work things out- I wrote her a very nice letter owning my mistakes and she called me back crying saying we didn't need to call it quits and we need to work more on ourselves.
We decided to split up assets so we weren't pressing each other and the next week after we talked I find through our Amazon prime account that she is moving into a place and having a queen size mattress delivered to a random house in NOLA, she promptly takes a full time job.
Her family starts reaching out to me confused about what's she's doing.
I text her a couple of times to reach out and she always calls me back.
I decide to go down to Easter down there to see where we're at which she agrees. I get down there and things get really heavy.
Ultimately I leave early bc it was just too soon to try talking about working things out.
We haven't communicated with each other since Easter.
My therapist setup an appt with her to see where she was at and my counselor suggests I file, doesn't suspect affair but wife has no interest on working on things.
Now, her family tells me she's traveling to Morrocco and Iceland, and quitting her job.
She has no interest n filing and suggests if I need to move on just to file.
I ultimately want to work things out but I don't know even know where to start.
Meanwhile she has left all of her possessions n LA where I have put them n storage- she hasn't asked about them at all. I apologize for the long post!

Thanks for your help
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD

and Michele's articles

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.


Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)

Going Dark

Detachment thread

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)

Boundaries Cheat Sheet


For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2

Resource thread

Stages of the LBS


Pursuit and Distance

The Lighthouse Story

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Posted By: Caddie2 Separated and lost, please help! - 05/10/16 09:59 AM
My WAW and I've have been separated for a little over 4 months. She moved to New Orleans for a job and we've had little conversation since. She has no interest in filing nor does she want to work on reconciling at this point. I've been using the DBing strategies and 180, but with little results. I'm well aware of the possibility of an EA or PA at this point, but I'm having a lot of trouble letting go. I actually went down to visit her over Easter and it was extremely emotional -- it came down to she wanted me to work on being happy, independently, and she would do the same. I don't want to file and get a D and don't know how to proceed. Our marriage broke down due to poor communication, financial pressures from her not wanting to get a full time job in LA, where we live, and me dealing with anxiety and depression through the loss of my mother in car accident 4 days after our wedding. I've learned she has been traveling out of the country and is going to be quitting her NOLA job here, soon. I most add that I was prescribed medicinal marijuana for my anxiety during our marriage, which definitely added to her resentment; since, I've greatly cleaned up my act and been living a healthier, fuller life. Still, she doesn't seem interested in any changes I've made post-separation. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you!
Posted By: Caddie2 Re: Separated and lost, please help! - 05/10/16 10:03 AM
I most add, we have no kids, Me-28, W-25.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Separated and lost, please help! - 05/10/16 10:13 AM
Welcome aboard Caddie. So sorry to hear about your problems. The more marital history you can give us, the better it helps us to see an overall picture.

What are the ages of you and wife? Are there children?

What was really in New Orleans that drew her there? To get a job that far from home seems pretty radical, especially when she leaves her H behind and has no intentions or reconciling.

When a woman refuses to work on reconciliation, and seems fine with separation but doesn't want to file for divorce.........I have to think she is getting more benefits by remaining legally married to her H, than if she were to be divorced. Are you helping her financially?
Posted By: Caddie2 Re: Separated and lost, please help! - 05/10/16 10:20 AM
Not helping here financially, but we already split up assets so she has money. Her parents are also wealthy, but want us to work things out, and don't seem to be thrilled about her living in NOLA, so I don't really know if they're supporting her are not. When I mention D she say's if need to move on then I should file... Very confusing, since she's the one who left.
Posted By: Caddie2 Re: Separated and lost, please help! - 05/10/16 10:29 AM
Sorry for the typos. On my phone.
Posted By: CRW Re: Separated and lost, please help! - 05/10/16 10:34 AM
What are you doing to better yourself?

My suggestion, start working out. Try to replace your previous vice with it. It will make you happier, and will make you look better. Both things that will make you more attractive to her.
Posted By: Caddie2 Re: Separated and lost, please help! - 05/10/16 10:44 AM
I've been working out. Got on an antidepressant to control my spiraling thoughts, which seems to be working for the most part. She hated LA, which I really wasn't sold on it either -- better to visit. So, I've been in the process of getting a really good job in Austin, which is a city she loves, and have been trying to GAL. She's a big instagrammer, so I've been trying to stay off it to save my mental state, but don't know how she can see my improvements without seeing me? Her family has reached out several times and seemed baffled with what she's doing. I've always know she was really fond of NOLA, but didn't seem to be taking care of herself or looking very good when I went down there. I took very good care of her financially and seems to, now, resent all the material things I bought her, which in hindsight was a mistake. We should of travelled more and spent less on petty things, but I've acknowledged that and intend to change. Maybe too little to late... just really [censored]!
Posted By: Cristy Re: Separated and lost, please help! - 05/10/16 10:52 AM
Hello Caddie2,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. I am also very sorry about the loss of your mother. There is never a good time, but 4 days after your wedding must have been enormously difficult.

Sandi brings up a great point. What benefits does she enjoy while being married? Is she not filing because she wants to keep you around as plan B?

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
Posted By: tl2 Re: Separated and lost, please help! - 05/10/16 11:00 AM
I've been in the process of getting a really good job in Austin, which is a city she loves, and have been trying to GAL.

Sounds like you're off to a good start.

She's a big instagrammer, so I've been trying to stay off it to save my mental state,

Wise move!

but don't know how she can see my improvements without seeing me?

Really doesn't matter. You might not want to hear this, but seeing your improvements may or may not make a difference to her...especially right now when her focus is elsewhere. Make substantial changes for yourself so that you grow stronger and more independent as an individual. That will benefit you regardless.

I took very good care of her financially and seems to, now, resent all the material things I bought her, which in hindsight was a mistake.

I wouldn't get caught up in this. Believe nothing she says...she doesn't even know what she wants or really thinks right now.

We should of travelled more and spent less on petty things, but I've acknowledged that and intend to change.

Shoulda/coulda/woulda. Did she make this clear to you and did you simply ignore her? Did she come to you and say, "Let's stop spending money on XYZ and let's travel more? Perhaps that's a point of contention, but it's probably not a real issue. People with a good relationship bring up things like that and make new decisions together. So, again, if you were ignoring her on this when she was telling you what she wanted, then THAT might be an issue to consider. If she wasn't, and she's just using it against you now, go back to believing nothing she says and simply focus on you and building a good life for yourself.

Maybe too little to late

Maybe, maybe not. The key is to focus on what you can control (yourself and building a great life) and truly accept that this is her choice and there's not necessarily any one thing you can do to "get" her to want to come back. She has to come to that conclusion on her own. Your best bet is to build a great life for yourself as a strong, happy individual.

Best wishes.
Posted By: CRW Re: Separated and lost, please help! - 05/10/16 11:13 AM
She wants to see you improve. Regardless of motivation, she is giving you that chance. Don't waste it.
Posted By: Caddie2 Re: Separated and lost, please help! - 05/10/16 11:18 AM
Thank you for the support! It's been really difficult, especially seeing she seems to be handling this swimmingly... By all accounts she's doing fine in NOLA and hasn't reached out at all. The only thing that is still attaching us is her car I bought her with my name on it that's parked at her parent's house, which she's wanting to get the equity out to travel more... Definitely doesn't sound like the girl I married. I so badly want to hear her voice, but I know calling her goes against the DB'ing strategy. I'm assuming she met someone given her actions, but the fact she isn't filling or even talking about filing is so confusing to me. I guess I would be Plan B in this case... Part of me thinks she's just trying to let me down softly given all that's happen as of late, but moving to NOLA and no talking to me isn't much of a soft landing. Just all very confusing... trying not to read into anything and just focus on getting to better/happier place, but, at times, every fiber of my being wants to know what's going on, or I probably not. Lost on whether I should just file at this point and get it over with, or keep fighting to the bitter end. I ultimately want to R, so the latter is probably my best direction. Thanks for the advice. Much appreciated it!
Posted By: Caddie2 Re: Separated and lost, please help! - 05/10/16 11:30 AM
Travelling was an issue she brought up through counseling, but we couldn't even get settled in a city... So, I figured at trip would just add so much more stress than what we had on both of our plates. Besides, she did the traveling for the both of us... it wasn't a collective agreement to save money here and plan a trip there. She just traveled and expected me to plan a trip on top of everything else. My accountant would be calling me, everyday, saying, "Please stop with these traveling bills, I cannot support you through this; you're going to end up in bankruptcy if you continue on this path." I would tread lightly with my W on this bc she came from an upbringing where she was highly scrutinized for spending any money, so broaching the subject would send her in a tailspin.
Posted By: Caddie2 Re: Separated and lost, please help! - 05/16/16 10:36 AM
My WAW called me on Saturday. While she was on vacation, I talked to my mother-in-law to arrange to have some of her things she left shipped back to her parent's house. We discussed this previously and I'm in the process of clearing out my storage units. WAW called to arrange picking up her stuff instead of shipping them, bc of shipping cost and asked how I was doing. I used DB approached and was very vague on how/ what I was doing aside from that I was great. I made the conversation really short and made sure I was the first to hang up. What communication should I keep with her ongoing, if any? Should I wait for her to reach out to me again? Or, should I send a text or letter saying it was good talking to her and I'm glad she's taking time travel? I really don't how to proceed from her, bc going dark hasn't improved any communication and we're going on 5 months now. Thanks for any help!
Posted By: doodler Re: Separated and lost, please help! - 05/16/16 11:23 AM

I feel like I'm an old curmudgeon, but I don't see much point in being vague or doing some Jedi mind-bending DB stuff. If there's something you need to tell her, then tell her and use the most convenient least expensive method to do that.

I don't have any issue with saying something nice, I actually think that's a good thing. But, is it going to get her to come back to you? Hell no! It's just some nice comments; don't waste your time figuring out how to communicate. Just do it or don't do it, but don't expect anything for the effort. I really think it's that simple.
Posted By: Caddie2 Re: Separated and lost, please help! - 05/18/16 08:35 AM
I'm losing hope at this point... no communication and it appears my WAW might be accepting a full time job in NOLA. She has reached out to get some of her things when she left, but hasn't mentioned anything about filing or getting a divorce -- doesn't seem to think the piece of paper means anything now. It's eating me alive and I'm having trouble functioning. I just want to know what's going on? It's so confusing to me why she just wouldn't say, "It's over!" So we can both heal and move on with our lives. Her parents are calling me wanting me to come out and visit them, which, to me, seems like it would be both emotional torture and a clear breach of boundaries. I don't know what to do. I need some sort of closure to it all, because this limbo, and her being so duplicitous, has been nothing like I've seen in the near decade we're spent together. Our 4th wedding anniversary is coming up in two weeks, which is going to be so difficult. I need advice! Is there any hope at this point? Is there anything I can do to reconnect? I'm lost... thank you for your help!
Posted By: doodler Re: Separated and lost, please help! - 05/18/16 09:27 AM

You want her to pull the trigger and say that it's over, but you're also hoping to reconnect. You're all over the place and that's understandable.

You need to get a life (GAL). What do you really enjoy doing that takes your mind off of everything else? What brings you joy and makes you focus and forget about your worries? (And it shouldn't include things like Strawberry Cough or Pineapple Express.)
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