First thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2641352#Post2641352Second thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2645584#Post2645584Third thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2650114#Post2650114New thread.
Will embark on a new life in about a month. I'll be single again.
Need to find a place to live- trying for a cheap 3 bedroom or a condo. Not having all that much luck - seller's market right now where I live. Still porn free - will celebrate 180 days of sobriety from my addiction on Wed. Just so happens my addictions group meets that morning - going to bring treats for everyone.
Wife had an episode this weekend where she stormed into the basement at 11:30PM, accused me of stealing her birth control pills (just started taking them so she can have PA with OM), and I couldn't stop laughing she was so off the wall. It was my fault for finding it funny - just got her more mad, but I told her I was going to bed, and to turn off the lights. She proceeded to dump half of my dresser out looking for them... clothes were in a huge pile next to the bed, and she ripped down my life goal sheet and tore it into threads.
Fun times.
Found the sheet taped back together and some of my clothes put away on Sun. night. She found her pills... never took them.
She had a strange thought process on how to pick up kids from activities. Not very cohesive thought. I think EA/PA and MLC is in effect, and having medical issues to boot, or causing some of this, is also causing her brain farts.
Can't stop her from doing the D... just have to continue to ignore her, and work on myself. I'm in self-protection mode now. The faster I'm out and the D is done, the better I'll be, and the better for the kids.
Tough sledding, but I'm ok. Praise the Lord!
Keep on rolling, buddy!
You can really see it now, can't you? You are the rock for the family; for the kids. Be strong, and show your kids what a strong man looks like.
She will see and it will be far too late...
For you this is a new beginning.
So, so, so proud of you. Where you've been and where you are now is worlds apart. I hope you can see it too!
I find it interesting that she didn't apologize to you; she just went in and taped your sheet and picked up the mess she made. I'm sure that was very embarrassing for her... and sad at the same time.
That's something that can make people realize that this person they have so much hate for is not "out to get them" at every turn, or at all, even.
Enjoy your freedom and keep being the person you want to be,
Mowgli
I think the taped sheet was her apology. Not a great one, but all things considered, more than I would have expected.
Hang in there Trumpet...you're on the last lap. Hug your kids.
Mother's Day is coming. A chance for you to show honor & strength, not by you giving her something, per se. But by making sure the kids do.
In better times, we can hope you both will thank each other for the lovely lives brought into the world due to your marriage. THAT at least, will always be worth celebrating.
This Mother's Day could be a HUGE sign of how a great man reacts when the mother of his children, wounds him.
He may stumble but he rises again, holds his head high, and makes sure his kids are okay.
If she gives you nothing on Father's Day & doesn't insist or help the kids to, they will notice...indeed, our children notice a lot more than we realize.
((( )))
PS
On a personal note, I think a quiet chuckle at her antics with the birth control pills was perfect (because sure, You of all people WANT her to have another man's child....???)
Thanks, Mowgli and 25yrs.
By the way, it's close enough to 4/27...
It's been 180 days clean and sober from the porn addiction.
There can be, and will be, triggers for the rest of my life. It's awesome to think I have the strength within to cope with my problems and life issues without having to give in. There is an inner strength that radiates from me - many have said it.
3 months into my new managers job - 3 months we have beat forecast. Nice to see God giving me something on one side of the scale as He takes away on the other side. I see a stronger, more confident Trumpet for the rest of my life.
Would you talk to a newcomer, CWS357? He seems to be in a very similar situation to your own.
Can do, Sandi.
I'll see if I can help.
Hi trumpet,
Thank you for sharing your story. I will be following you as you are just a head of my on the d train. I see strength in how you are handling it, and your example gives me ideas and strength as my d train will go pretty quick once it starts rolling.
I don't want the d, but at this point, the sooner it can get done, the sooner the space that is sorely needed for me and my daughters can be had.
Keep up the good work brother and have a wonderful weekend.
Update.
Wayward is, well, still wayward. Is angry at me, sarcastic, passive aggressive, condescending, etc. most of the time.
Got pre-approved, did some house/condo hunting, and after some offers, finally landed a nice condo. Close to the old house, so kids won't be put out - they can walk from one place to the other, since they're only a couple blocks away. Close middle of next month.
Work is good - best month we've had at my new location in 5 years. Other sales manager quit, so I have some added responsibilities now. Not exactly what I had in mind, but things happen.
I don't think WW will break out of her spell for 6 months or longer. She is completely dug in, $amn the torpedoes, full speed ahead! Honestly, she'd have to really rebuild herself in order for me to consider her now. She has some character traits that led her down this path, a bit of a rocky family and events which make her pre-disposed to addictive traits and closed off emotions. I still have waves of emotion, but the oscillations aren't nearly as dramatic or as frequent. Like a boat rocking at a dock, after the waves of a ship have passed.
I see so many new posts on the Newcomers thread that ultimately lead me to believe they cannot detach from the situation. They are waaaay too emotionally invested in the relationship, whether thru co-dependence, or being a nice guy. It takes time, ladies and gents, and seeing the sitch from the 10,000 ft view to get a full grasp on the GAL/detachment thing. Somedays, I'd love to have a detachment paddle and just whack some of the newbies with it.
It takes the wounds a bit of healing, and some painful self-introspection to get there. Some don't want to pay that price; others dive in, and become better people for it.
Every day is brick in the wall of my own making. The WW did her own wall, months, if not years ago. My wall is to protect myself, and I know that wall with not help with future intimate relationships. However, every brick going up makes it more difficult for WW to come back as well. In the near term, it keeps me detached, and not crying every day. My faith in Jesus has become the strongest in my life. I feel the sense of peace that I was looking for in Him, and within myself now. Still make mistakes, still sin - example in point, had a text session with WW today that I shouldn't have done, but got caught in the moment.
I'll keep posting. Getting sleepy tonight, though. Jump in if you have any questions or anything to contribute. I still love to be here, reading other situations, learning and growing.
Trumpet, you are so inspiring to all who read your posts!!
Great post trumpet. You sound like a new, wiser person. The rest of us newbies are going to have to struggle to get there. But that is a struggle that we will survive, simply because we have no choice to.
What was the tipping point that made you realise that there is no hope - if you ever did reach that?
Hey Trumpet,
with so many newbies on here all the time its good to read from someone that has been here about as long as me. Keep posting as it inspires me to post as well and to stick around.
Way to go man! You're doing it the right way!
I agree with the newbie thing, but remember, we were all newbies at one point, too! I remember Azzork hitting both of us with more than a few 2x4s LOL!
Keep it up, bud!
I'm doing well. Some days are tough and some are just wonderful, but the good days outweigh the rough ones. As long as I stick to my boundaries, things seem to work out.
It's so great to hear from you Trumpet. You are such an inspiration to me and others, especially in overcoming the destructive force of porn in your life.
It is still SUCH a battle in my home. Maybe I should say war, because the battles are always losing/lost. But the war continues. I wish my H would be as mature in this as you are.
Thank you for sharing. Please, continue to encourage others and help us know how to move forward.
Update time.
Marital Separation Agreement is signed. Signed the Quit Claim Deed on the house. Trying to get our Wed. court date, which was an interim/temporary order hearing (remember, once I found out she was still heavy in the EA, I confronted, and then started the D up again, as she had no intention of stopping) to our final date. Haven't heard yet, but it's a good possibility that tomorrow by 10AM CDT I'll be divorced.
Closing on the new condo a couple blocks up the street on June 15th. WW closes on the refi on Friday. I wrote it into the MSA to have the ability to stay at the house until I can move into the condo.
Working my contacts to get some used furniture for the kiddos and me. Ordered dishes and silverware on Sunday.
I cry every few days listening to Christian music, and when I'm deep in the Bible. The pain comes from the hurt I'm inflicting my kids to, and what they will see in the future - the failure of my WW and me to make things work. My pornography addiction had a contributing factor to my WW. My distance at times, and germanic work ethic, lots of hours at work, did some of the damage as well. I am still willing to work on the marriage, but WW is so far deep it might be 6 mo-2 years before she realizes what she's done, and I might be finding the next Mrs. Trumpet - you just don't know. I'm pretty broken right now in my heart, and I have walls up. I'm interested in dating, but it doesn't seem smart to give false hope to a middle-aged woman that a quick relationship after a D will last - the odds are pretty bad. Maybe a few casual meet-ups with people? I don't know. What I do know? I'm MUCH more confident about myself than when I met WW back in college. I have 3 beautiful kids that need me, and a job that I've been tasked with - be the best dad I can be, always, and not give up on my kids. They know I tried, and still want the M to work. I didn't blame WW for D, but they know I wanted to stay together. They are happy about the new place - the D7 is really excited.
There are times I'm still missing WW. There are times I'm really angry at her. There are times I struggle with the guilt from the porn use. 207 days clean for me - my brain, and how my thoughts flow from it, has changed so immeasurably, that it feels like I'm a teenager again, with pure thoughts, gratefulness for beautiful flowers, sunsets, and smiles on people. I can look straight into someone's eyes, and give them full attention and a smile back.
I have been set free. In my marriage, in my addiction, in my shame (will always have guilt, but can manage that). My managers job is going really well. Another record month is coming! God isn't done with me yet, though. Whether he puts my course back with my WW in the future, I do not know. I have my own sails to tend to.
For those catching up with me - there will be brighter days. There will be bad days, too. Focus on what you can control, realize feelings and acting on those feelings are two COMPLETELY different things, and find a way to be grateful for what you have. Start balancing the plates you spin in your life. Many of us make one plate spin really fast, and the others drop. Continual tending, spinning those plates, makes you whole.
My challenge will be to make it through the next few weeks, if the D becomes final tomorrow. I did reach out one last time the OM's wife - they are in a protracted divorce, and he will not respond to her legal efforts to move the D along. A year and a half, and their D is stalled out. Money pouring out of both coffers, and her husband, the OM, now planning to make a life with my STBXW. My WW is planning a weekend in Chicago with her OM, most likely consumating their relationship. She still won't tell the kids what is really happening - just that she's going 'away'. When you can't tell the kids where you are, where you're going, that has to be a huge red flag for them. My WW will have some soul crushing realizations once the D is final, and I'm out.
I'm a little sad for her, but realize experience is the best way to learn. The school of hard knocks is in session for her. I paid a dear price for my sins, and will in the future. I had a choice, and made a course correction to a brighter future.
I'll catch up with you in a day or two, and let ya'll know if there were any fireworks (not likely).
Thanks for reading - and keep posting. God Bless you all!
trumpet,
I am so sorry. You seem to have things under control as best as you can. I am praying for you, your kids, and your WW. I plan to continue to DB and be hopeful for the same amount of time. It seems so far away.
Keep us posted, Trump!
You have 3 beautiful little people looking at you for guidance through these murky waters. Keep doing what you're doing! Keep being the best Trumpet you can be!
I'm divorced.
Took all of 10-15 minutes in the courtroom.
The commissioner applauded us for working so quickly on all the issues, putting the kids first, and splitting things so equally. He then told us thank you - from our kids - that we have put them first. Only thing that threw me a little.
Ok, so I did have to do SOMETHING to make a statement - I agreed to the D, and said as much in my testimony... however, after the commissioner announced us divorced, and shut off the recorder, I pulled my ring off - it was on the last 6 months during this ordeal - and I dropped it about 2 inches off the table.
Dropped the mic.
It jangled on the table for a good 2 seconds. Silence in the courtroom. Oh, my exwife got the hint. Even my attorney smirked at me when I did it. We had a good laugh after we got out of the courthouse. My attorney has been through the ringer in her own life, and sees my now ex-WW as having to pay a price down the line for what she's doing today. She's happy to see me in good spirits.
I WAS in good spirits most of the day. A few more ups and downs as the day went on. I now know that the roller coaster of emotions will continue - although I do feel a weight off my shoulders.
Anyone have any advice after the D goes final on what to do? I'm still at home for another 3 weeks until I get into my condo. Just going to spend a lot of time with the kids this weekend - Brat Fest in town, catch some music, maybe go biking as a family (without ex of course - she's in Chicago with her now announced boyfriend).
I feel sad for my ex. Really sad for the kids. I'll be fine.
Time to be the dad women drool over and men grow jealous of.
Time to be the dad women drool over and men grow jealous of.
Nice!!
You sound to be in a good place despite the rough road up till now.
trumpet,
I am glad you are in good spirits. What does your parenting plan look like if you don't mind me asking? I am assuming your WW will now live in a different city than you?
Jimkao,
Same city. We will be 2 blocks apart. I did this on purpose for the kids.
Not the ideal condo, but it will work.
Parenting plan is me Monday Tuesday her Wednesday Thursday. We alternate Friday Saturday Sunday. Exchanges at 8pm. I'll get the kids at 8pm Sunday night, so they wake up and go to sleep in the same bed.
Hope this helps.
You are a free man, Trump!
Crazy to think about. Feeling a bit trapped in the house that isn't mine anymore.
Three weeks and I'm in my condo. I can do this.
Maybe with a little help from my friends Jim and Jack. In moderation, of course...
good sense of humor my friend.
I know the feeling of trapped. Been trying to get out of my place as well. TO many ghosts here.
Have a good day.
For the most part, the ex-WW did all her damage as an EA.
She's gone all weekend in Chicago, 'consummating' her R with OM.
Tough to take. Have had some pretty disgusting mental images of my ex flash thru my mind in the last couple days.
She hasn't called Me or the kids to check on the kids. Not once.
Sad.
I did get back on Facebook. As soon as the D was final, my X unblocked me. Interesting, right? I then blocked her. No need for her to see what I'm doing.
I have 17 days to until I move out.
So, update time.
For those catching up, I D'd on 5/25/16.
Still living in the same house until 6/15/16.
Since the last update:
-Formalized the loan, and closing date as 6/15
-EX-WW has refi'd the marital home in her name. I am now officially a squatter until 6/15.
-I continue to detach and say very little, if anything to ex-WW. She has made comments to me that I am terrible at co-parenting, since I don't talk with her. I informed her text messages concerning the kids, and kids only, will be what to expect, unless it concerns the house/bills/insurance/divorce button-ups.
-As the day of move-out approaches, the ex-WW ha become more angry and hostile. She has traded in the wedding ring, done within a week of D, and bought diamond earrings with the proceeds. She proceeded to ask how pretty they were, repeatedly, until I acknowledged them. I did ask if she was showing me to just hurt me, which she said yes. Sandi - the heart of a wayward knows no bounds to their anger and vileness!
-She has turned in our joint lease early, which we had planned to buy out and give to D14 in a year, to purchase a brand new, way more expensive vehicle, just for herself.
-I have depleted most of my funds, and have bought out the cell phone plan, so that I can be on my own. Getting second-hand furniture for the new place, but got new plates and silverware. Glad I'm a miser for the most part, and have no debt besides the new condo.
-I have been yelled at, told repeatedly to leave her house, told to stop petting the dog, sworn at, told that I am a disgusting individual for having an addiction, been told I'm getting a lawsuit filed against me if I talk about her 'boyfriend' ('friend' turned into 'boyfriend' within days of the D becoming final), and been locked out of the house.
-My EX-WW has made plans to take D14 to do an 'overnight' at boyfriend's house in Chicago. D14 wants to go to an anime convention. EX-WW thinks it's just fine to introduce her new man to our daughter. I think it's disgusting.
-EX-WW unblocked me from Facebook the day of the divorce. I blocked her immediately.
I have gotten tons of support from my family and church friends. Most are shocked how fast the D went. I stayed quiet for the most part, but did share that EX-WW has a boyfriend. I let most draw their own conclusions, but those at church haven't seen her in a month, and she was sporatic attending the month before that, so I think she's done with hearing that adultery is bad for a while. By the way, she says that my telling others 'my version of the truth' is very hurtful, and isn't appreciated.
Soooooo... lessons to be learned:
Living with the EX after divorce is very, very hard. Harder as you approach leaving. I think if I had to rewind the entire ordeal, one of us should have left early on. I would have tried to get her to leave, but she is one of the most stubborn women I know.
Wayward Wives can dig themselves such a hole that they might have/probably have burned any chance at reconciliation. I'm not putting limits on what God can do, but what has been done and said to me is beyond what I thought was capable out of my EX-WW.
You are who you keep as your close circle of friends. I have some very devout Christian friends; my EX-WW, not so much. She left those who she talked with at church alone for the last 6 months. They would have attempted to talk sense into her, but the infatuation of someone who could 'ease her inner pain' was too great. The friends she keeps now are all divorced, pronounced feminists, or children of divorced parents, man of which had dad-issues.
That I can, and will, come out of this in better mental and physical health than at any time in my life.
I still love my EX-WW. I will be mourning the loss of the marriage, my friend, and the family unit. This doesn't mean I can't move on, it's just the mourning will take more time than I thought.
I can love another woman as much, or more, than my EX-WW.
I cannot fix a woman with life issues.
That there are many of us out there, who have lived through a D, with an angry, bitter WW, and come out better than what we thought we could. I have many, many D'd single and remarried dudes that testify to that fact.
Things that I still need to work on:
Being grateful EVERY DAY for the things that God has given me.
Exercising EVERY DAY to keep the blues away
Being patient for the muddy jar to settle, so that I can see clearly through the jar, and move forward into another relationship.
Being humble, and letting my pride fall away from me. This is a tough one.
Thank you to all who have contributed to my threads. I'll continue to stop in and give a few cents here or there. I have to let you know how the last week of co-habitation goes, and how the new place shapes up.
Please keep checking in with me. Bless you all.
Trumpet.
Trump,
I'm sorry you have to ride the crazy train for another week. That's not fair. I know it's hard to step away, but I think you've handled this sitch beautifully.
I love the "muddy jar" analogy; it really is just like that.
Her trading in your co-lease for a new vehicle for her when it was intended for D14 I think I would've brought up with her. That's me, though. You're probably right to just lay low until Move out day.
Good luck in the future. I'm sad I'll never really get to sit and have a beer with you, bud. We've been on this journey for a very long time and my heart truly has been with you the whole way.
I'm at a place now where I feel I need to start letting the forum go. I've been less active, but I feel like it may also be holding me back from where I need and want to be.
I'm going to do my last update here and then I'm not sure what's next. I know it will be tough to leave you all, but I feel like the people I've communicated with the most are reaching the ends of their journeys and many have all but left; thinking it's time for me to do the same.
Trumpet
Great summary and words of wisdom
Your ex WAW has lost a good man
She is a classic WAW and doesnt deserve you. I feel you & I have been living the same nightmare. I have about 4-6 more weeks in the house with the STBX and wish it was different and we were a story on this board about R or piecing but as I have posted, I am Toast.
It just amazes me the similarity in some of the WAW/H on this board...at this stage of things like yours, JimK's, mine...the list goes on.
They are probably part of the statistic of divorcees that a year later wish they worked things out and have regrets.
By gones....wishing you the best.
Trumpet,
You made it this far, hey one more week will go by quickly! All I can say is that you will feel better and more like yourself when you are in your own place. You will be able to focus more on you and continue to DB.
rich4j,
I am going to be optimistic and hopeful for all those on this board and pray that the WW/WH/WAW/WAHs do have regrets a year later and at least make a half a$$ effort in trying to reconcile. At least that attempt will be better than their past actions of breaking up the M and their families.
The glass of water is always half full and I will continue to DB and learn to be the best dad and man I can be.
Trumpet, I am so very, very sorry for the pain you're going through, but you sound soooo strong. I don't know how you do it, I am a wreck these days and had to quit my new job.
I don't know which side of town you are on, but if you need moving help, I have plenty of time and a van. It could be sort of fun to see WW's face if a strange woman showed up and helped you!
Update time. Don't know how many more I will have here, but I do check up with many of you. Tough to keep up with all the new people. So many similarities to so many stories.
My story feels like a trilogy - growing up, college, and my single life/marriage, kids, and jobs/my EX-WW's medical, marriage issues, EA, PA's, and D/new single life, manager job, coparenting, new condo.
My pornography addiction runs through all 3 parts. So much of our world, our beloved U.S.A, believes porn, and the small sins, the white lies, don't have an effect on your life and relationships. That is a lie. It does. My addiction put a tint on the glasses/lenses I see through. The anger I held in was from it. I couldn't look people in the eye - yep, the guilt and shame. Not wanting to be a leader to my family, to be a manager - all because I was putting a big invisible 'guilty' neon sign above my head most days.
My shame is gone; the guilt does come and go. I KNOW my addiction had an effect on the marriage. A big effect. My EX-WW has always had huge body shaming issues. I have to continue to take the blame in the marriage. To acknowledge I was half of the equation.
I am clean and sober. Do I get tempted? Oh yes I do! I will for the rest of my life! I believe God gave me a gift of sexuality, and that it's my job to control that gift. Some years ago I wanted my sex drive to go away - and it never did. God wants me to struggle with it - He gave it to us for a reason. I have realized, after being clean for 263 days now, it's grip on me is over. Do I still long to be with someone? You bet! It just doesn't consume my life.
I have become comfortable thinking about the future without a spouse. I think the biggest transformation for me is to come, in body, mind, and my spirit, as I get back to exercising, reading, and devoting time to my kids when I have them. I have grown to understand what emotions are, when I feel them, and what to do about them. No quick reactions - feelings come and go, beliefs stay.
A month ago I was sure I would never take my EX-WW back. After doing some prayer and bible study, I realize if I'm a man of the Word, I need to keep that door cracked, but not stare at the door. Reconciliation must always be on the table, albeit when my EX-WW would do the work. Until now, there is NO hint of that happening, or ever happening. I move on, I press on, to the new life He's given me. I am free of the guilt that I carried for 20 years. That is a true gift!
I am lonely - that is tough to write, but it's what I feel at the moment. I used to fill the lonely with online games, porn, and TV. These days, I don't play online games, no more porn, and the TV stays off for the most part. I do read, walk, clean and fix up my condo, and work, apart from being with my kids. My focus of my remaining days isn't to hide in a corner and let life pass me by.
I was blessed to get out of the D with NO child support and no alimony. I realize I'm a rare one to have that blessing. I am grateful for that, for this board, for MWD, for Sandi, for Mowgli, for Georgia Bulldog, for Cadet, and so many others who put time into me.
My Christian counseling for the addiction will be ending next month. I'll be looking to continue some counseling, or going to Divorcecare, to continue my healing. I WANT to go on dates, and I think I could be a catch for someone, but if I'm still not completely healed, I'll be a curse for the next person. I know I still have tears to shed. To reflect on where I was, where I'm at, and where I'm going. To be a resource for my kids, as I see they are hurting and dealing with being kids of divorce.
I cannot control what my EX-WW did. What she said to me. The hurt that came out of her mouth towards me. How she feels about herself, and if she ever comes around, the guilt and shame she will feel. They are all her own issues. No way to fix. My response, though, is my responsibility. How I act, what I say, in response to her words, her texts, her posts on Facebook, I have to own. I will own.
The biggest challenge set before me is Forgiveness. I'm not ready to chip away at that mountain yet. I think the wound needs to close more. There will be a scar that is left. And it will be sad to look at for a while, but then it will just be a scar, and I'll have moved on. So, my challenge is before me, and my life goals are being reset as I type.
For those that have prayed for me, thank you. Continue to pray for me and others on this board. For healing, for understanding, for peace.
I'm not ready to unplug from this board yet, so keep posting. I will keep reading. I do love to hear the success stories. It is the stuff that gives us all hope...
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
Romans 5:1-4 NIV
Time to be moving on... headed over to 'Surviving the D'.
I'll stop in from time to time. Hope over to read my updates.
Thanks, folks, for being there for me. I'm still a mess at times, but every day is a gift. Some days, that gift isn't worth opening when I'm down and depressed, but if I'm honest, most days I open the gift and have gladness and resolve in my heart to keep moving forward. Grateful for the time to keep improving myself.
Off to my next adventure. Take care.
Keep in touch.
Trumpet:
Good luck on your "journey". I have been praying for you everyday and I will continue to do so. All the best.
Trumpet..thx for all your support
Be joining soon on that thread !
Wanted to update people on my status, and say hello formally to everyone. I'm posing when I can.
Halloween marks a year since bomb drop, and me going cold turkey on my porn addiction. Boo on one count, yay on another!
My ex-wife's boyfriend, who is going through a divorce, has continued to stall his divorce, per his estranged wife, who I've texted a few times. He has quit his teaching job in Chicago, and moved to Madison to be with EX-WW, working another teaching job. He sees his adopted step-kids every other week or so. I live 2 blocks form EX-WW, and has told the kids to not drop by her place (our old place) when they are with me. She has NOT informed them of her boyfriend, which is a bit weird to me. OM actually teaches in the same building where my son goes to school, so just finding this out was a bit of a trigger for me on the anniversary.
EX-WW is fully in limerence, new clothes, new car, dyed her hair, grew it long, started mild cosmetic surgery, and even got called out by our pastor after posting pictures on FB of her and OM. She terminated her membership at our church, which is HUGE. I'm the lone person to carry the church banner for now.
I'm running 3 miles about 5 times a week now. New shoes and orthotics have helped tremendously. Signed up for a 5k race Thanksgiving morning, when I won't have the kids. Losing some weight, and my clothes fit better.
Going to IC once a month, and working on forgiveness. It's not a one-time thing, like it was in grade school! I have to choose to forgive every day. It's more than a feeling, and more than a thought - it's a conscience choice daily.
No girlfriend, no dates. I'm still in the process of working on myself. I'm lonely some days, but it's not debilitating. Calling my addiction sponsor once a week, talking to my bother and friends every other day. I'm more at peace with not having my EX-WW in my life, but miss being married.
I realize she treated me badly for years - Sandi is spot on, no respect! I did get an 'I'm sorry for the way I've been acting' after numberous heated texts, but I haven't responded.
I worry about the effects on the kids, the development of the OM in town and possible future relationship with my kids, but I can't control it. I just get to choose how I react and respond.
Advice? Comments? Let me know. I'd love to hear from people.
Trumpet, you've come so far! A year of sobriety is a MASSIVE accomplishment. Keep putting your own wellness and self esteem first and you're going to have a brilliant life.
I remember the ups and downs of your sitch, and how quickly it all came to a close. Be thankful it's done my friend, now you have a clean slate from which to work. You hit the nail squarely on the head - I just get to choose how I react and respond. Amen to that a thousand times. You get to choose how you do everything for yourself both on the inside and the out.
Your WW is going to have her own journey, and it sounds like OM does too. From what little you've written, I doubt they'll survive. It feels like avoidance of reality is their main coping mechanism. A house of cards never stands for long though.
You're a huge inspiration around here, to new and even those of us who were here before or right when you joined. Keep putting that best foot forward, battling what lay underneath your addiction, and being a great father to your kids. You're oh so right, you can't control anything your EX WW does, nor OM, nor anything else out in the world for that matter. But you can control you.
Congrats at being a rock star.
PP
Trump, awesome job handling a tough patch.
As for your concerns about the kids, I've been through a lot...not here to bus drive XW, but a number of men staying at the house the kids didn't even know, alcoholism, and beyond. But you know what? Things are so rock solid at my place that I know they will be grounded. They will be safe, loved, and have a place to be themselves. Most of all they will learn from me how to handle adversity, as I am modelling it for them and teaching them as we go.
That said, their mom loves them too. And in so many ways she is a great mother. Yes, she has problems. So do I. But she loves them, they love her, and she looks out for them in a lot of ways too.
Not much for advice, just some reassurances that the kids will bloom just fine. The truth is this world is pretty messy, all you're doing is getting the opportunity to start showing them how to lead through a mess. Lead on brother!
Trumpet, it sounds like you are coming from a place of strength. Running probably helps a lot, keep it up! It sounds in general as if you are taking great care of yourself.
We live in a great place with so much to offer, don't we. I have created myself a wonderful life here and feel happier than probably ever before in my life.
I have been shocked over the D laws here and how fast things happen for many. Your story is very similar to what I have heard from others in Divorce Care group.
My WH is also not filing for D at this time, and has said he's very comfortable being S. I think he's using me to prevent a M to OW. She wants to get M this year but that's obviously not happening. I have told WH that I can't sign a no-fault settlement - it would be a lie, so if he files, I will reply with an at-fault filing, which is an option in that state. We may remain M for a long time.
When it comes to your worries about OM, it sounds like someone who works in a school should be safe around your children. That would be a huge concern off my mind. I would probably talk to Ex if I were you, and ask her how she intends to tell the kids so they don't find out by chance.
Best of continued luck with Trumpet 2.0.
I'll be in the survivor's section, too, even if I'm still M on paper.
Trumpet
I haven't posted in a while on my own gig or commented on others but will probably be joining you on the other forum as my D inches towards completion every so slowly
On loneliness- its hard. Halloween and going to my former neighoborhood also a FEW blocks away brought back sadness. Sounds like you are doing some good things like getting the running going which is super. I have engaged in some meet ups but have not done a ton with it
Sounds like she is going through a mid life crisis in terms of the transformation with clothes, hair, selfishness etc.....
I would have a hard time with the OM in town scenario and your kids. But as you say, you can't control this and her.
What you can do is continue to be the great dad and take care of yourself.
Is their anger? I see you go to an IC once a month (ditto for me). I spend a good amount of time on the anger portion and try to get through it so i know how best to deal with it. With your sitch, I would also have some built up anger for sure as its natural.
Missing being married is natural....I miss it alot sometimes and I would say more of family/marriage. Otherwise, I don't really miss her too much and sounds like you don't either.
Take care!
Another 3 mile run in the books. I'm on pace for my Turkey Trot 5K on Thanksgiving.
Had a good cry today. I don't miss EX-WW. It's the emotions that come with the destruction of the marriage and family.
My addiction is part of the divorce soup. I'm owning my shnit, and owning my failures means I feel sorrow over it. I know, indirectly, I've hurt the kids, and that makes the tears flow. Owning this feels right... I'm not perfect, I had/have a big flaw, I'm sorry and apologetic for it, and want to move forward.
I still feel caught in EX-WW's orbit, like I'm still in an plutonian orbit around the supernova of the marriage. I haven't reached escape velocity yet. The thrusters are the GAL's and tough work on myself. Each time I do the hard work, I get a little boost, and I move farther out in the orbit. I'm not ready to be serious with a woman right now - I'm still not 100%, the boosters are still firing intermittently. However, a coffee meet-up? Maybe a concert with someone? I'm ready for that. THAT, my friends, is GAL'ing, and I need it.
I still spend time doing a post-mortem of the marriage. It does help when I focus on my side. I've done too much work on EX-WW's side, and I think I have the basic structure of it... but I get led to dive for more of the 'why's' and 'how's'... cheeseless tunnel, frankly. Gotta stop. Part of achieving escape velocity in my life will be accepting what happened, dropping the rope as we like to say, and walking the other way.
I do find my most productive healing when I focus on how to calm my soul, and my faith life is making the biggest change in that regard.
I'm working on looking ahead to the holidays, and having a plan before the middle of Dec. hits and it sinks in I'll be alone on Thanksgiving, xmas, and new years... EX-WW has kids all three days. Yes, it's unfair. Yep, that's life. Big boy pants time. I will have them all three days next year.
I worry about the effects on the kids, the development of the OM in town and possible future relationship with my kids, but I can't control it. I just get to choose how I react and respond.
Advice? Comments? Let me know. I'd love to hear from people.
If this is the OM that contributed and participated in the destruction of yours and your kid's family, the kids should be made fully award of his presence locally.
They already have one wayward parent so, in contradiction and as a way of compensating for such, you should be the parent that will ALWAYS be honest and transparent with them. No secrets.
They are victims of OM's choices and behavior. They should know that and then be free to choose whether or not they want to have any relationship with him in the future with full knowledge.
Sure your ex might not like that but you are in charge of your "honest" household so she can get bent all she wants at her house.
Affair relationships always end eventually so it won't last forever anyway but, for the time being, telling your kids will allow them to protect themselves in the event OM is some kind of predator. Men who pursue married women with small children are statistically much more likely to be predators than the general population. Honest information helps protect children who may be naive otherwise. It's also a teaching moment. They don't have to like OM but they still need to be respectful of their mother and her (hurtful) choices.