LBS alone in new city, trying to 180 alone - 04/22/16 10:59 AM
Story:
Love at first sight 5.5 years ago. Prayed to met someone just like him, met next day. Friends said they'd meant to introduce us. Had amazing, fun romantic courtship. Prepared with priest and rabbi, big fun spiritual ceremony and celebration. Friends and family said it was best wedding ever and all around us have seen how we were meant to be.
Had financial difficulties from start. I was trying to reenter workforce, he was underemployed. Moved across country to my hometown (mistake), trouble getting work, had to live wiht my mother a year. I became discouraged, struggled off/on with PMS, depression, he was sole provider mostly. Got frustrated with each other, would squabble. Not seeking outside help, not much interaction with friends. Decided to go travel back to west coast housesitting to save $. Moved around a lot for assignments. Tension. He was working hard online all the time to get new skills, job. Found dream career last summer, landed dream job Feb. days before leaving. I was depressed d/t ailing parent with dementia, paranoia we were trying to deal with remotely. Had to move him (hoarding) last fall, was a nightmare for us. Tensions increased. Visited H family; MIL was upset with us/me, told me she didn't want him getting sick again (childhood illness/surgery), get any job (donut shop), we were in no shape to have kids, get our act together. I agreed and knew it was true and was planning and trying to get work online and once we returned to Canada. Took on housesitting assignemtn in OR for few months, fought about where to live (had agree to Canada, then he wanted to go wherever dream job was, I wanted to settle down in community). I was stubborn, unrealistic, pushy, bad PMS then trouble with my father, broke down crying. Was impatient, nagging. Feel terrible about that. He left one morning everything packed, ran off out of sight. I did wrong things-wrote long emails apologizing, recognizing all I had done wrong, no contact for 8 days til our 4 year ANNIVERSARY. Cold business like email asking to meet at Starbucks to discuss "moving forward amicably and efficiently as possible". I declined, for better or worse, b/c had no sleep, lost 10 lbs, was sick. Asked to meet with 3rd party-priest or counselor, he suggested mediator> We met and he told all kinds of rationalizations, no mention of good, regrets, that he didn't recognize red flags in self or me, bad decisinos to move around, shouldn't have married, etc. so hurtful. Then said he's done, had lawyer, proceeding with S and D. I was devasteated but didn't cry. He ran down sidewalk. No contact for weeks. I asked to meet to give him few clothes left behind, 'practical matters'. He had left me the car, wouldn't return to finsih housesit so I could go be with loved ones. was cold but we got to share some. I thought a little more intimate. He let us hug and pray. No contact again for 3 weeks. I had sent few texts saying good luck on business trip. Then email asking to meet with mediator discussing assets. I said i woudl after Easter Holiday. Then asked to meet with priest first. He said he would out respect for 'clarity'. We did 3 weeks ago, he was very adamant about ending it all, no "glimmer of hope", sorry he "wasted 6 years of your life", that we "didn't really date" (aka lies, rewriting history, erasing all good). He had blocked me on Facebook, Skype, everything, put "separated' the day he left without discussing, canceled my credit cards (he was primary cardholder), lost my airline miles/rewards, withdrew most of $ from joint account (until his L made put half back), didn't ask if I was ok, where living. I had NO JOB, no home, knew almost no one in this new city. He is living somewhere, has 2 jobs (one new dream one), 'new friends', hiking, going to gym etc. I have had little energy and tried to make myself do all I can, 180; exercise (I always was very active, trouble now), calling friends, DB coaching, journaling, prayer all the time, networking and interviewing for jobs esp. in last month hard, facing rejection on jobs, moving from temp place to place to stay. Visited friends out of town a week, helped but empty, struggling w/ despair. He wants to meet with mediator again for assets but he didn't understand my email stating I was available this week so never scheduled it; now not for 2 weeks, AFTER I have to filed a 'response' to his lawyer's separation papers served. By that time, they will know I am not settling agreeing to terms, and my L says meeting with mediator will be unncessary since I won't agree.
Should I wait til last minute to file? Trying to reschedule mediator for BEFORE his L and court get filed. Otherwise I have no face time or meetings.
I feel so discourage b/c of his consulting with family, secular counselor, and ?? behind my back, his cold uncaring treatment (?), and lack of contact. I am tryign so hard to do 180 and be "whole" fulfilled happy woman but I am miserable and nightmares every night. I go to counselor, priest, friends, interviews, gym but struggling very hard.
It was his birthday Tuesday. I didn't do anything-no text, nothing. His mother's whom I adore yesterday-also did nothing. Good idea?
I could'nt get a DB coach this week or for another week so am in the dark. I am going dark I guess. Part of me wants to run but I don't have somewhere to go really, to protect myself from the pain.
I have no idea where he is; won't say even what part of city he's in (somewhere local). seems odd. Afraid of emotional response? I wuold'nt even go near him anyways, but wondered why. He has history fo internet porn addiction . Didn't see any signs or of infidelity that i know of. No clue.
All insight, advice welcome.
Thankyou
J
M: 4 y
together: 5.5
Me: 37, H: 36, no kids
no house
Love at first sight 5.5 years ago. Prayed to met someone just like him, met next day. Friends said they'd meant to introduce us. Had amazing, fun romantic courtship. Prepared with priest and rabbi, big fun spiritual ceremony and celebration. Friends and family said it was best wedding ever and all around us have seen how we were meant to be.
Had financial difficulties from start. I was trying to reenter workforce, he was underemployed. Moved across country to my hometown (mistake), trouble getting work, had to live wiht my mother a year. I became discouraged, struggled off/on with PMS, depression, he was sole provider mostly. Got frustrated with each other, would squabble. Not seeking outside help, not much interaction with friends. Decided to go travel back to west coast housesitting to save $. Moved around a lot for assignments. Tension. He was working hard online all the time to get new skills, job. Found dream career last summer, landed dream job Feb. days before leaving. I was depressed d/t ailing parent with dementia, paranoia we were trying to deal with remotely. Had to move him (hoarding) last fall, was a nightmare for us. Tensions increased. Visited H family; MIL was upset with us/me, told me she didn't want him getting sick again (childhood illness/surgery), get any job (donut shop), we were in no shape to have kids, get our act together. I agreed and knew it was true and was planning and trying to get work online and once we returned to Canada. Took on housesitting assignemtn in OR for few months, fought about where to live (had agree to Canada, then he wanted to go wherever dream job was, I wanted to settle down in community). I was stubborn, unrealistic, pushy, bad PMS then trouble with my father, broke down crying. Was impatient, nagging. Feel terrible about that. He left one morning everything packed, ran off out of sight. I did wrong things-wrote long emails apologizing, recognizing all I had done wrong, no contact for 8 days til our 4 year ANNIVERSARY. Cold business like email asking to meet at Starbucks to discuss "moving forward amicably and efficiently as possible". I declined, for better or worse, b/c had no sleep, lost 10 lbs, was sick. Asked to meet with 3rd party-priest or counselor, he suggested mediator> We met and he told all kinds of rationalizations, no mention of good, regrets, that he didn't recognize red flags in self or me, bad decisinos to move around, shouldn't have married, etc. so hurtful. Then said he's done, had lawyer, proceeding with S and D. I was devasteated but didn't cry. He ran down sidewalk. No contact for weeks. I asked to meet to give him few clothes left behind, 'practical matters'. He had left me the car, wouldn't return to finsih housesit so I could go be with loved ones. was cold but we got to share some. I thought a little more intimate. He let us hug and pray. No contact again for 3 weeks. I had sent few texts saying good luck on business trip. Then email asking to meet with mediator discussing assets. I said i woudl after Easter Holiday. Then asked to meet with priest first. He said he would out respect for 'clarity'. We did 3 weeks ago, he was very adamant about ending it all, no "glimmer of hope", sorry he "wasted 6 years of your life", that we "didn't really date" (aka lies, rewriting history, erasing all good). He had blocked me on Facebook, Skype, everything, put "separated' the day he left without discussing, canceled my credit cards (he was primary cardholder), lost my airline miles/rewards, withdrew most of $ from joint account (until his L made put half back), didn't ask if I was ok, where living. I had NO JOB, no home, knew almost no one in this new city. He is living somewhere, has 2 jobs (one new dream one), 'new friends', hiking, going to gym etc. I have had little energy and tried to make myself do all I can, 180; exercise (I always was very active, trouble now), calling friends, DB coaching, journaling, prayer all the time, networking and interviewing for jobs esp. in last month hard, facing rejection on jobs, moving from temp place to place to stay. Visited friends out of town a week, helped but empty, struggling w/ despair. He wants to meet with mediator again for assets but he didn't understand my email stating I was available this week so never scheduled it; now not for 2 weeks, AFTER I have to filed a 'response' to his lawyer's separation papers served. By that time, they will know I am not settling agreeing to terms, and my L says meeting with mediator will be unncessary since I won't agree.
Should I wait til last minute to file? Trying to reschedule mediator for BEFORE his L and court get filed. Otherwise I have no face time or meetings.
I feel so discourage b/c of his consulting with family, secular counselor, and ?? behind my back, his cold uncaring treatment (?), and lack of contact. I am tryign so hard to do 180 and be "whole" fulfilled happy woman but I am miserable and nightmares every night. I go to counselor, priest, friends, interviews, gym but struggling very hard.
It was his birthday Tuesday. I didn't do anything-no text, nothing. His mother's whom I adore yesterday-also did nothing. Good idea?
I could'nt get a DB coach this week or for another week so am in the dark. I am going dark I guess. Part of me wants to run but I don't have somewhere to go really, to protect myself from the pain.
I have no idea where he is; won't say even what part of city he's in (somewhere local). seems odd. Afraid of emotional response? I wuold'nt even go near him anyways, but wondered why. He has history fo internet porn addiction . Didn't see any signs or of infidelity that i know of. No clue.
All insight, advice welcome.
Thankyou
J
M: 4 y
together: 5.5
Me: 37, H: 36, no kids
no house
