The following story may be seen as highlighting the circular nature of causality in the iterations with the people who are closest to us. I will now always seek awareness of how marriage and relationship dysfunction can influence our actions and the actions of those within close proximity of our lives. Come back to this preamble after reading my SITCH . . .
My W and I first met in 2008 and we fell madly in love and I asked her to marry me in 2009. We tied the knot in 2010; I was 31 at the time and she was 28 (no previous marriage or kids). The first couple years of our marriage felt amazing - sure we had some bumps in the road but we were still head over heels for each other. I recall my W waking up every morning and telling me one of the ways she knows how much I love her is because my pillow would move from my side of the bed to be right beside her pillow by the time we woke up. Things we great except for one challenge. She has a very large immediate family and extended family. For a new couple who would be exploring our new life together, instead we were spending an inordinate amount of time on her side of the family. A minimum 3 hour visit obligation at a frequency of 2-3 times a week was spent at my in-laws. Initially this did not bother me because we were so in love I would do anything that would make her happy. After a couple years it started gnawing at me and I become resentful because I rarely saw my friends, and my side of the family always played second fiddle - I'd be lucky to see my family once a month if that. However, I understood that a women will always be more tied to her side of the family and anyhow I loved each any everyone in that family in a special way as if they were my own brothers, sisters and children. I just felt the balance was out of whack and felt little control over our weekends to do things as our own independent family unit.
Finally in 2012, things got unmanageable for me when my W's sister was on Mat leave. Her sister spent all her time with the new baby at my MILs, and my W was compelled to visit after work several times a week often asking me to come along. This was on top of the weekly Friday dinner which lasted up to 6 hours. The straw that broke the camel's back was when my W asked if we could go on vacation with her Sister and family. It was then that I told her how I felt about how there was a material imbalance of "our" family versus her family, and I insisted on MC. Well to make an already long story shorter, after 6 sessions with the MC in 2012, my W and I were back on a very healthy track! She was able to recognize that her compulsion to see her mother and sister may have been driven by sibling rivalry. I was able to let go of my resentment and embrace my in-laws. Also we were able to have family dinner moved from Fridays to Sundays instead and cut the time down from 6 to 3 hours. My W and I were able to focus much more on the health of our inner marital circle and closeness while balancing our external families and friends.
The next year was amazing and we felt confident about our strengthened MR and decided to get PG. We were so in love and so excited to be new parents. In late 2013 we were blessed with a healthy baby daughter who was just a beautiful bundle of a joy and still is.
But guess what happened . . . by 2014 we suffered a sort of regression back into our previous marital problem. During Mat leave, more often than not, I would come home from work and my W and newborn would be at my MILs house. Now during the first few months I thought all the extra time with her mother was ok because she needed the extra help, but my W's increased absence from our home persisted for the whole year of Mat leave. Unfortunately, this time, I seemed to not have the balls to re-assert my previous concerns or request we go back for MC. Instead I found myself with a lot of extra time on my hands. So I hit the gym and also played in a weekly league. Several months into this is where I unintentionally started down a very destructive path that would play a part in destroying our marriage. My body was sore from all the physical activity I was doing and I noticed several massage clinics a stone's throw away from our place. It turned out they were really all Massage Parlors where I was subsequently was offered a "happy ending" after the massage. Pandora's box had been opened.
Also in 2014 my W's boss was going through a divorce. My W and her boss have always been close since she started working for him in late 2011, but now after his separation, my W would talk a lot more about him and his personal life.
One of the things I often encouraged my W to do (especially in light of the imbalance issue around her family) was to also make time for building relationships with her friends. So around this time she started to go out after work on Wed nights while I looked after our D. I sometimes asked my W what she was doing and she would often report to me that she was out with friends from work. One time she called me from her boss' house and I got upset and told her that I didn't think it was appropriate that she was hanging out there alone with him and I asked her to refrain. She agreed, but every time my W told me she was with her boss after work, I could feel a pang hit my heart, but I foolishly ignored it because she always re-assured me that they were just friends outside of their working relationship.
In late 2014 we got into a big fight. My W needed help with resolving her suspended license and asked me if I could cancel a team work lunch I had planned and take the day off instead to assist in reinstating her license. I was not able to cancel but told her we could resolve the issue later that day. She got upset and instead sought out her boss to help her. I was really upset because it seemed she and her boss were often crossing the employee/manager line and in this occasion I confronted her about her unusual R with her boss. She again assured me they were just friends. There were many times where she had to work late with him and I let her know it bothered me. To address my concerns she started to bring him home while I was there when they had extra work to do. It was kind of weird at first but they were really working, and after the 3 of us would chill out and relax. Also he was now being invited to our family birthdays, family events such as Christmas and new-year at my MILs, and our social events because my W felt he needed to get out more since his separation.
As I got to know him better, consciously I didn't feel as insecure as I did before, but the amount of time he would still spend together after work with my W, with us and our family, with my in-laws, and with our friends, didn't sit right in my subconscious - yet I foolishly did nothing! She would sometimes cook and pack food for him, go shopping for furniture for his new post-matrimonial home, they would text each other a lot outside of work hours, also they would go on several overnight business trips a year, for his Christmas present she assembled child-hood pictures of his family for him. My W is not a morning person and her boss would even call her every morning to wake her up. I remember joking with her if he would also call me as well to wake me up. Looking back, It was really [censored] UP, but his increased presence in our family and social lives after his separation was so gradual I didn't notice it as threat - I was such as ignorant fool!
Now in retrospect it's clear to me my W was having an EA with her boss hidden in plain sight.
Basically our MR slowly but steadily deteriorated from 2014-2015 and I felt very distant and emotionally disconnected from my W as she seemed more emotionally connected with her boss. They shared a common cause from their strong partnership at work, and she deeply empathized with him in the wake of his separation and started to attend to his emotional needs outside their manager/employee relationship. All the while, as I become more frustrated, resentful and alone in the marriage I found myself frequenting the MPs (Massage Parlors) and even at one point I was going on a weekly basis. (after Mat leave, my W maintained spending Tuesday/Thursday evenings with her mother and sister so it was easy for me to go while I was left alone at home). THB I wouldn't classify our marriage as a SSM but definitely after the birth of our daughter and the SITCH in general we have both been LD during this time.
If I were to analyze why I was going to the MPs, I feel it wasn't necessarily libidinal, but these MP attendants (all NPA Asian women between 35 and 45 who aren't necessarily my taste at all) offered me a great stress reducing massage, gave me a sense of masculinity, and made me feel attractive. Now admitting to this makes me feel like I was so weak and disillusioned because I knew this was their job to elicit a good tip. I guess I used it as an outlet to stay somewhat happy in what was becoming a deteriorating marriage. Most people who know me couldn't believe it was in my character to do what I did, but I became enslaved by the temptations of the Devil and now I am forever regretful of the utter weakness of my actions and the damage I've caused to my W, to my family, and to myself. I could have done a thousand better things to address the root causes of our marriage breakdown. Instead I proceeded to sleep-walk weakly through this dysfunctional period approaching our 5 year milestone of marriage. For my part I am deeply and truly sorry.
Interestingly, in Sept 2015, my in-laws were out of town for a whole month and this freed up a lot of our time. My W and I started to go on weekly dates after a long time. After our first date I got down on my hands and knees and prayed desperately to God that I stop being tempted to go to the MPs and instead turn totally toward my W. What's strange is that also the day after our first date, on her drive home from work, my W suffered a massive panic attack. Thank God, she was able to steer off the highway and pull into a side street. She called me in a panic and couldn't even identify which street she was on. I eventually found her and took her to the ER. I was concerned about what could have caused her first panic attack ever, but she claimed that work was stressful. In retrospect I now suspect that she was dealing with an internal struggle over the love and security she had with me and the feelings she had for her boss. (Maybe I'm wrong, I guess I will never know). We had 3 more dates each week after that and I felt our marriage was nonetheless recharged and had turned around as I had prayed for. I stopped going to the MPs, not even once!
In Oct 2015 our 5 year anniversary weekend seemed strained. My W had to have me reschedule and shorten our weekend getaway because of a work conflict she had. When we did go away she seemed off, somewhat distant and she slept for half the day while I walked around the tourist village by myself. I had tried to plan various activities that we could do together but in the end I was very disappointed.
At this point things were falling apart and she seemed to be in a state of depression. In Nov 2015 she discovered about the MPs and told me she wanted a Divorce and she walked away with our D. I begged her to come back and she did but I was to sleep on the couch. We tried to see a MC but my W had already re-written the marriage and brought in a Laundry List of things that I did to ruin the marriage. I tried to bring up how I felt about her boss but it didn't get me anywhere and my W denied it. Actually she denied it but when I confronted her about it alone she said that I encouraged her to go out on Wednesdays with her boss. I told her I encouraged her to go out and have a life with her friends instead of being so much with her family, not to necessarily hang out with her boss. Anyhow she said her boss was dating someone so I needn't worry about that.
4 weeks after the BD my W decided to come with me and our D to my parent's Christmas Party despite our marriage being against the ropes. The next day we agreed that I start taking my D to sleep over at my Parents as we got ready for me to move out. I had a hunch something was going on and the next day I confirmed my suspicion that she was now having a PA with her boss. I have hard evidence that her boss was having sex with my W in our matrimonial bed while I was with my Daughter at my parents. This was one day after she attended my family's Christmas Party. This killed me but confirmed that the little voice that I had ignored all this time was right. I later told her I knew about her and her boss, she denied it but asked how I knew. I told her it didn't matter how I found out.
I believe now I have a WAW who is in a EA + PA with her boss.
My W insisted that I leave our home ASAP and our MC felt the marriage could not be saved at this point. We started putting together a co-parenting schedule and I started sleeping at my parents with my D once a week slowing ramping up to 3 times a week. After 3 months of negotiation and me living between two homes our Lawyers agreed on an interim co-parenting plan and I fully moved out. (This was about a month ago today, and I get our D 3 days a week).
Her boss has effectively taken my place, not only in our matrimonial bedroom, but I see him in facebook pictures at her family events. I get to hear from my D that she goes shopping with my W and the boss/OM alone, and goes over to the OM's house to play with his D. Interestingly my wife to this day still thinks I am and was a great dad, so that's my new status in her life: Co-parent - and she hopes we can be good friends.
So here I am; the LBH who wishes things were different and wants to DB because I still love this women and want to continue to share my life and dreams with her despite the downward spiral we just went though. I remember the good times which were so amazing when everyone else was out of the picture and we were in our own love bubble. I don't want my W's boss to be my D's step-dad. I don't want to break up our family unit, but rather piece together our marriage and family into a stronger new marriage. I read that couples can get past affairs and discover an even stronger renewed MR. I've heard of Retrouvaille. But it appears my W has lost all hope in the marriage and has completely replaced me with her AP boss.
I've read a lot of content already on the boards here, but I'm looking to all the DBers on this site who had the patience to read though my long story to advise me of how to cope in my situation.
In particular, given my story, is my W really a wayward WAW? If so should I apply the LRT and detach and go dark, or will that only hinder a potential good co-parenting relationship?
Any advice would be great. I'm also finding myself very depressed but trying very hard to GAL as much as I can between being a dad. Amazing DBers please help me!
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Your W is definitely a WW. Deploy LRT, do 180's, GAL and go Dark. Be a good Dad though. Be an awesome Dad. Your D should not have to suffer because of your W's decisions so make sure you shine in this department. This isn't for the benefit of your W. You're not trying to show HER how awesome you are. You are doing it for your D.
Read ALL of Sandi2's threads in the following link:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1
These things progress to this point because so many of you get bad advice and sit back and watch affairs blossom whilst doing nothing. That's the worst possible thing you can do. It makes fixing it at this point almost impossible. Not impossible, but almost impossible.
Allowing fairs to continue unchallenged is never ever ever a good idea. He's her boss? That affair was easy to nip in the bud. Inform HR. Companies have very very strict policies about such things. Especially employer/employee affairs. If it goes south they can get sued by your WW for sexual harassment and she'd win. Still, at this point you can try DB'ing but honestly you let it get away from you probably too far. My advice is quit worrying about the dying M and focus on your own future post-M.
Thank you so much for your input guys. Does anyone else have any experience with AP = boss?
Thank you so much for your input guys. Does anyone else have any experience with AP = boss?
I would say that it is a very common experience.
Sorry
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Allowing fairs to continue unchallenged is never ever ever a good idea. He's her boss? That affair was easy to nip in the bud. Inform HR. Companies have very very strict policies about such things. Especially employer/employee affairs. If it goes south they can get sued by your WW for sexual harassment and she'd win. Still, at this point you can try DB'ing but honestly you let it get away from you probably too far. My advice is quit worrying about the dying M and focus on your own future post-M.
Yes, it's easy to kill this type of affair, just bark to HR and the CEO/President of the company. They will be scared of any potential sexual harassment lawsuit and the OM will be fired summarily.
I'm sorry you are here. Be strong. Read Sandi2's threads. I have gained SO much knowledge and feel more empowered because of the information gathered there.
Keep posting here. There are so many good people that can help encourage you.
Allowing fairs to continue unchallenged is never ever ever a good idea. He's her boss? That affair was easy to nip in the bud. Inform HR. Companies have very very strict policies about such things. Especially employer/employee affairs. If it goes south they can get sued by your WW for sexual harassment and she'd win. Still, at this point you can try DB'ing but honestly you let it get away from you probably too far. My advice is quit worrying about the dying M and focus on your own future post-M.
Yes, it's easy to kill this type of affair, just bark to HR and the CEO/President of the company. They will be scared of any potential sexual harassment lawsuit and the OM will be fired summarily.
I'm not sure if exposing their affair is the right course of action because of the risk of damaging an amicable co-parenting relationship or even possible reconciliation. Also given my betrayal (though it was not an A) my W is holding me 100% at fault for breaking the marriage down at this point in her mind. Me intervening in her affairs at this point would be counted as just abother big character flaw on my part.
I feel the only chance is that she needs to explore this path and if and when it fails she may come around to see what she's lost.
What kills me is that she is prepared to give up a marriage and 50% of her daughter instead of trying to fix our MR. It must be thr addiction of a secret A with her boss.
I'm sorry you are here. Be strong. Read Sandi2's threads. I have gained SO much knowledge and feel more empowered because of the information gathered there.
Keep posting here. There are so many good people that can help encourage you.
Thank-you so much for your support lost man!
Still, at this point you can try DB'ing but honestly you let it get away from you probably too far. My advice is quit worrying about the dying M and focus on your own future post-M.
Thanks for your candour TxHubby. I'm starting to loose hope of a reconciliation at this point. It's been 4 months since BD and 1 month of separation. I've been going dark and being detached while child and GAL focused.
What does anyone else think?
Is this the right approach given my situation?
Sandi are you there? Should I let go of any hope of reconciliation given both our betrayals?
Cadet, thank-you so much for your loyal support to DBers.
I am reading though this invaluable material.
You rock!
Allowing fairs to continue unchallenged is never ever ever a good idea. He's her boss? That affair was easy to nip in the bud. Inform HR. Companies have very very strict policies about such things. Especially employer/employee affairs. If it goes south they can get sued by your WW for sexual harassment and she'd win. Still, at this point you can try DB'ing but honestly you let it get away from you probably too far. My advice is quit worrying about the dying M and focus on your own future post-M.
Yes, it's easy to kill this type of affair, just bark to HR and the CEO/President of the company. They will be scared of any potential sexual harassment lawsuit and the OM will be fired summarily.
I'm not sure if exposing their affair is the right course of action because of the risk of damaging an amicable co-parenting relationship or even possible reconciliation. Also given my betrayal (though it was not an A) my W is holding me 100% at fault for breaking the marriage down at this point in her mind. Me intervening in her affairs at this point would be counted as just abother big character flaw on my part.
I feel the only chance is that she needs to explore this path and if and when it fails she may come around to see what she's lost.
What kills me is that she is prepared to give up a marriage and 50% of her daughter instead of trying to fix our MR. It must be thr addiction of a secret A with her boss.
There is zero reason at this point for her to change anything. She has her affair partner when she wants him and has you at home that will do whatever she wants. It's a perfect situation for her. Sure, it'll tear you apart, but she doesn't care about that. If you continue to allow the affair to flourish you have literally zero chance of saving this.
I'm not sure if exposing their affair is the right course of action because of the risk of damaging an amicable co-parenting relationship or even possible reconciliation. Also given my betrayal (though it was not an A) my W is holding me 100% at fault for breaking the marriage down at this point in her mind. Me intervening in her affairs at this point would be counted as just abother big character flaw on my part.
I feel the only chance is that she needs to explore this path and if and when it fails she may come around to see what she's lost.
What kills me is that she is prepared to give up a marriage and 50% of her daughter instead of trying to fix our MR. It must be thr addiction of a secret A with her boss.
There is zero reason at this point for her to change anything. She has her affair partner when she wants him and has you at home that will do whatever she wants. It's a perfect situation for her. Sure, it'll tear you apart, but she doesn't care about that. If you continue to allow the affair to flourish you have literally zero chance of saving this.
Thanks so much for your feedback TxHubby, I'm really thinking about it now. I noticed your sitch involved your W's A. Can you ask her how she would have reacted if her AP was her boss and you got him fired?
What are other's thoughts of this approach?
btw, Thanks everyone for the help! It really means a lot to me.
Looking for feedback, please help!
Should I let go of any hope of reconciliation given both our betrayals?
NO - there can always be HOPE, but that does not mean that you go into pursuit mode.
How are you doing on the homework?
Have you read the pursuit and distance thread?
You need to work on your 50% of this,
you can not work on her 50%.
Does that make sense?
I understand not wanting to expose the affair. Just show her through action what a great man she is going to lose.
I like your goals. Do you have anything that is just fun for you that you are trying to do?
I'm not sure if exposing their affair is the right course of action because of the risk of damaging an amicable co-parenting relationship or even possible reconciliation. Also given my betrayal (though it was not an A) my W is holding me 100% at fault for breaking the marriage down at this point in her mind. Me intervening in her affairs at this point would be counted as just abother big character flaw on my part.
I feel the only chance is that she needs to explore this path and if and when it fails she may come around to see what she's lost.
What kills me is that she is prepared to give up a marriage and 50% of her daughter instead of trying to fix our MR. It must be thr addiction of a secret A with her boss.
There is zero reason at this point for her to change anything. She has her affair partner when she wants him and has you at home that will do whatever she wants. It's a perfect situation for her. Sure, it'll tear you apart, but she doesn't care about that. If you continue to allow the affair to flourish you have literally zero chance of saving this.
Thanks so much for your feedback TxHubby, I'm really thinking about it now. I noticed your sitch involved your W's A. Can you ask her how she would have reacted if her AP was her boss and you got him fired?
What are other's thoughts of this approach?
btw, Thanks everyone for the help! It really means a lot to me.
Her AP was a neighbor but they did communicate a lot through work computers so his W, after discovering the A, told her H's company and my wife's. He got fired, my wife was asked to resign, which she did. Their little fantasy world exploded.
If you don't blow up the paradigm, nothing will change. I screwed that up. I should have acted much quicker and with much more confidence. Women respond to strong male leadership. Being the passive male sitting quietly while they cheat is not attractive to a woman in any way whatsoever.
Her AP was a neighbor but they did communicate a lot through work computers so his W, after discovering the A, told her H's company and my wife's. He got fired, my wife was asked to resign, which she did. Their little fantasy world exploded.
If you don't blow up the paradigm, nothing will change. I screwed that up. I should have acted much quicker and with much more confidence. Women respond to strong male leadership. Being the passive male sitting quietly while they cheat is not attractive to a woman in any way whatsoever.
Thx TxHubby, how did your W's AP react to his W's action on exposing him? How did your W feel about the other wife exposing her?
Should I let go of any hope of reconciliation given both our betrayals?
NO - there can always be HOPE, but that does not mean that you go into pursuit mode.
How are you doing on the homework?
Have you read the pursuit and distance thread?
You need to work on your 50% of this,
you can not work on her 50%.
Does that make sense?
It does, thanks a bunch Cadet
Hello 1gr8dad,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Sadly, your wife seems to be cake eating. She gets to live in fantasy land with OM while knowing you are available as plan B whenever she likes. Boundaries and detachment need to kick in. Focus on becoming the best 1gr8dad that only a fool would leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Her AP was a neighbor but they did communicate a lot through work computers so his W, after discovering the A, told her H's company and my wife's. He got fired, my wife was asked to resign, which she did. Their little fantasy world exploded.
If you don't blow up the paradigm, nothing will change. I screwed that up. I should have acted much quicker and with much more confidence. Women respond to strong male leadership. Being the passive male sitting quietly while they cheat is not attractive to a woman in any way whatsoever.
Thx TxHubby, how did your W's AP react to his W's action on exposing him? How did your W feel about the other wife exposing her?
At that moment they felt suicidal. Their fantasy exploded all over them. They lost their spouses, families, and careers in the blink of an eye. All for what? What I observed was guilt, shame, humiliation. Expected reactions. It was pretty ugly but the upside was the fantasy was blown away. Everyone, and I mean everyone, knew what they had been doing. There was no possible way for it to continue. The ugly dark secret that affairs are had been drug into the light of day and put on to display for all to see. When you drag an affair into the light of day where all the friends, family, etc. can see the pain that is being inflicted by a spouse then it becomes almost impossible for the affair to continue. Affairs absolutely thrive on secrecy. They have to have secrecy to survive. Without secrecy they can't survive. Once you get them out of the affair then the affair fog dissipates very quickly. That fog where all us betrayed spouses say "we don't even recognize him/her anymore". I see most of BS's on this site say that very thing. You want that behavior to stop? Then blow the fantasy up.
Wow that's a crazy story TxHubby, thanks for sharing.
Is you W glad now in retrospect for how things played out in the end?
My sitch is a little different. My W basically kicked me out in reaction to finding out about me going to Massage Parlours. But if you read my story closely, it's pretty clear that her EA with her boss had been going on probably as long as I was frequenting the MPs. To my knowledge, the PA started with her boss 4 weeks after she found out about my betrayal. So we are kind of madhatters except my side is not an affair.
Are there any madhatters on the board who want to key in?
I understand not wanting to expose the affair. Just show her through action what a great man she is going to lose.
TxHubby, Lostman thanks for your valuable input.
Today I saw my IC and told her TxHubby's story and got some feedback.
I'm going to agree with everyone I've gotten input from:
- agree w TxHubby that I'm out of luck until my WW's Affair fantasy bubble is popped (if ever)
- though I also agree with all the reading and support in these forums which spell out that I cannot control what she does, I can only control myself and focus on GAL and my D. She must take this path of hers where-ever it takes her.
- My IC also thinks that while blowing up her affair (even though my motivation would be for saving our family rather than vengeance), there's still way too much risk. I will be blamed by her and I risk reconciliation chances, and an amicable co-parenting R.
My only hope is that naturally her affair will be caught at work, her fantasy is destroyed (not my my hand), and she realizes all that is lost.
For now I just have to deal with the pain and jealousy, assume the marriage is over for the time being, and get along on my life.
Any tips for dealing with that kind of pain?
Sandi2 or any other WAWs, do you think my W is wayward or just done with me because of my betrayal? Should I continue to use LRTs?
At that moment they felt suicidal. Their fantasy exploded all over them. They lost their spouses, families, and careers in the blink of an eye. All for what? What I observed was guilt, shame, humiliation. Expected reactions. It was pretty ugly but the upside was the fantasy was blown away. Everyone, and I mean everyone, knew what they had been doing. There was no possible way for it to continue. The ugly dark secret that affairs are had been drug into the light of day and put on to display for all to see. When you drag an affair into the light of day where all the friends, family, etc. can see the pain that is being inflicted by a spouse then it becomes almost impossible for the affair to continue. Affairs absolutely thrive on secrecy. They have to have secrecy to survive. Without secrecy they can't survive. Once you get them out of the affair then the affair fog dissipates very quickly. That fog where all us betrayed spouses say "we don't even recognize him/her anymore". I see most of BS's on this site say that very thing. You want that behavior to stop? Then blow the fantasy up.
My WW had a similar reaction when I exposed her. She had been denying that she had any type of affair with OM to me. She kept saying that she wanted to separate because "we've grown apart." I sat on it for three weeks then I decided to blow it up by exposing her to our friends and family. Her reaction was terrible and she filed for D a month later.
She said she is leaving me because of the exposure, but she told me when I confronted her about the EA that she wanted to separate. So I don't think it made any difference, maybe just the timing of things. But in a sense I feel better about myself afterwards because at least all of our friends now know the truth. She was about to tell everyone we just weren't compatible, etc. but now they all know the REAL reason.
Thanks for sharing CWOL.
Nonetheless, you must have had to deal with all the pain of it.
What were the top 3 things you did to cope?
To summarize the MR:
- W and I fall madly in love 2008
- I propose and we marry a year later in 2010 and she moves in (no prior MR or kids)
- The first couple years of our marriage felt amazing except for one challenge. W has a very large family and an inordinate amount of our free time was being spent with W's side of the family. (A minimum 3 hour visit obligation at a frequency of 2-3 times a week at MILs)
- Finally in 2012, things got out of hand when my SIL went on Mat leave and spent all her time at MILs, and my W was compelled to visit after work several times a week often asking me to come along.
- At that point I couldn't take the cumulative amount of time spent with her family and felt I didn't have a family of my own, I insisted on MC else I was leaving
- After 6 sessions with the MC, my W and I were back on a very healthy track! She was able to recognize that her compulsion to see MIL and SIL may have been driven by sibling rivalry. We were able to now strike a good balance of our family vs hers
- The next year was amazing and we felt confident about our strengthened MR and decided to get PG.
- In late 2013 we were blessed with a healthy baby daughter
- However, by 2014 we run into problems . . .
We suffered a sort of regression back into our previous marital problem. During Mat leave, more often than not, I would come home from work and my W and newborn would be at my MILs house. Now during the first few months I thought all the extra time with her mother was ok because she needed the extra help, but my W's increased absence from our home persisted for the whole year of Mat leave. Unfortunately, this time, I seemed to not have the balls to re-assert my previous concerns or request we go back for MC. Instead I found myself with a lot of extra time on my hands. So I hit the gym and also played in a weekly league. Several months into this is where I unintentionally started down a very destructive path that would play a part in destroying our marriage. My body was sore from all the physical activity I was doing and I noticed several massage clinics a stone's throw away from our place. It turned out they were really all Massage Parlours where I was subsequently was offered a "happy ending" after the massage. Pandora's box had been opened.
- Also in 2014 my W's boss was going through a divorce. My W and her boss have always been close since she started working for him in late 2011, but now after his separation, my W would talk a lot more about him and his personal life.
One of the things I often encouraged my W to do (especially in light of the imbalance issue around her family) was to also make time for building relationships with her friends. So around this time she started to go out after work on Wed nights while I looked after our D. I sometimes asked my W what she was doing and she would often report to me that she was out with friends from work. One time she called me from her boss' house and I got upset and told her that I didn't think it was appropriate that she was hanging out there alone with him and I asked her to refrain. She agreed, but every time my W told me she was with her boss after work, I could feel a pang hit my heart, but I foolishly ignored it because she always re-assured me that they were just friends outside of their working relationship.
In late 2014 we got into a big fight. My W needed help with resolving her suspended license and asked me if I could cancel a team work lunch I had planned and take the day off instead to assist in reinstating her license. I was not able to cancel but told her we could resolve the issue later that day. She got upset and instead sought out her boss to help her. I was really upset because it seemed she and her boss were often crossing the employee/manager line and in this occasion I confronted her about her unusual R with her boss. She again assured me they were just friends. There were many times where she had to work late with him and I let her know it bothered me. To address my concerns she started to bring him home while I was there when they had extra work to do. It was kind of weird at first but they were really working, and after the 3 of us would chill out and relax. Also he was now being invited to our family birthdays, family events such as Christmas and new-year at my MILs, and our social events because my W felt he needed to get out more since his separation.
As I got to know him better, consciously I didn't feel as insecure as I did before, but the amount of time he would still spend together after work with my W, with us and our family, with my in-laws, and with our friends, didn't sit right in my subconscious - yet I foolishly did nothing! She would sometimes cook and pack food for him, go shopping for furniture for his new post-matrimonial home, they would text each other a lot outside of work hours, also they would go on several overnight business trips a year, for his Christmas present she assembled child-hood pictures of his family for him. My W is not a morning person and her boss would even call her every morning to wake her up. I remember joking with her if he would also call me as well to wake me up. Looking back, It was really [censored] UP, but his increased presence in our family and social lives after his separation was so gradual I didn't notice it as threat - I was such as ignorant fool!
- Now in retrospect it's clear to me my W was having at the very least an EA with her boss hidden in plain sight.
- Basically our MR slowly but steadily deteriorated from 2014-2015 and I felt very distant and emotionally disconnected from my W as she seemed more emotionally connected with her boss.
- As I become more frustrated, resentful and alone in the marriage I found myself frequenting the MPs (Massage Parlors) and even at one point I was going on a weekly basis. (My W was still often going to MILs with D after work so it was easy for me to go while I was left alone at home).
- Nov 2015, my W discovers my very bad habit and BD: wants a divorce.
- 4 weeks later I discover hard evidence that my W's R with her boss is a PA + EA
- We try MC but W wants out of MR. In fact wants me to leave the home and blames me for everything and denies any affair.
- We lawyer up and take 3 months to agree on a 50/50 split of our D and then I move out.
- I've been physically separated for 1 month now.
So here I am; the LBH who is deeply regretful for my part in the marriage breakdown, and wishes things were different. I want to DB because I still love this women and want to continue to share my life and dreams with her despite the downward spiral we just went though. I remember the good times which were so amazing when everyone else was out of the picture and we were in our own love bubble. I don't want my W's boss to be my D's step-dad. I don't want to break up our family unit, but rather piece together our marriage and family into a stronger new marriage. I read that couples can get past affairs and discover an even stronger renewed MR. I've heard of Retrouvaille. But it appears my W has lost all hope in the marriage and has completely replaced me with her AP boss.
I've read though all material that Cadet sent me and have been deploying LRTs but nothing seems to be working. We only communicate about D and try to maintain a civil/amicable co-parenting relationship.
I'm suffering from a tremendous amount of paralyzing pain but have gained a lot of support from reading posts from all the great vets and DBers on here.
I'm wondering if I really have a WW or not??? and if the LRTs are only hindering the development of a healthy co-parenting relationship??? What do you think given my story???
Please help, am I dealing with a WW or WAW?
Please help, am I dealing with a WW or WAW?
We don't always know what the label is on our spouses.
Could also be MLC.
My opinion is to not let that concern you.
What would you DO differently if you had this knowledge?
DB'ing is shifting the focus off of our spouses and placing it on the one person we can CONTROL.
OURSELVES.
That is the area that I think you should worry about.
P.S. - Please stick to one thread until 100 posts, it is easier to follow your story that way.
Please help, am I dealing with a WW or WAW?
Both. She's a WW who is walking away. Walking away to a man that is fighting for her vs a husband who is being very passive about the whole thing.
Please help, am I dealing with a WW or WAW?
Both. She's a WW who is walking away. Walking away to a man that is fighting for her vs a husband who is being very passive about the whole thing.
Thx TxHubby, I do agree I have been passive in the MR. I also realize my betrayal has fuelled and justified her A. So I have to let her carve her own path though it's likely doomed for failure - it's just a matter of when, not if.
Regarding exposing the affair, most feedback I've gotten is that If I were the one to expose it, I would take all the blame and it would push us further away. As you said, everyone knew about your Ws A at work, so it's just a matter of time before it blows up on it's own. I just don't want my hand to have any part of that.
In the meantime I am now onto LRTs, detaching, going dark and now GALing as much as possible. If there's any chance of reconciliation, I feel it will be far out from now.
I'm onto submitting my financials, moving on with my life, becoming a better person, and focusing on my D3.
Please help, am I dealing with a WW or WAW?
We don't always know what the label is on our spouses.
Could also be MLC.
My opinion is to not let that concern you.
DB'ing is shifting the focus off of our spouses and placing it on the one person we can CONTROL.
OURSELVES.
That is the area that I think you should worry about.
Thanks for this Cadet, it's just what I needed to hear!
What would you DO differently if you had this knowledge?
Well, If she wasn't wayward than maybe I should not be using LRTs (which has seemed to be ineffective so far)
Maybe I should be focusing on exiting the MR as respectively as possible and focus on being a good co-parent.
Please help, am I dealing with a WW or WAW?
Both. She's a WW who is walking away. Walking away to a man that is fighting for her vs a husband who is being very passive about the whole thing.
Thx TxHubby, I do agree I have been passive in the MR. I also realize my betrayal has fuelled and justified her A. So I have to let her carve her own path though it's likely doomed for failure - it's just a matter of when, not if.
Regarding exposing the affair, most feedback I've gotten is that If I were the one to expose it, I would take all the blame and it would push us further away. As you said, everyone knew about your Ws A at work, so it's just a matter of time before it blows up on it's own. I just don't want my hand to have any part of that.
In the meantime I am now onto LRTs, detaching, going dark and now GALing as much as possible. If there's any chance of reconciliation, I feel it will be far out from now.
I'm onto submitting my financials, moving on with my life, becoming a better person, and focusing on my D3.
There are plenty of ways to facilitate exposure with no direct links back to you.
Maybe I should be focusing on exiting the MR as respectively as possible and focus on being a good co-parent.
Well LRT is really used to protect YOU.
Added benefit is not enabling her or providing any of her needs.
I would be focused on being a good parent no matter what you label her.
As far as exiting the MR, my suggestion is to do what ever you need to do to protect yourself and your children.
There are plenty of ways to facilitate exposure with no direct links back to you.
Thx TxHubby, though I do not even want any indirect link back. What is now clear to me in life is that the truth will eventually surface. When? This is out of our control. Intervening on my part, even indirectly, would eventually be discovered. Irregardless, my WW's A will eventually be exposed on its own.
Well LRT is really used to protect YOU.
Added benefit is not enabling her or providing any of her needs.
I would be focused on being a good parent no matter what you label her.
As far as exiting the MR, my suggestion is to do what ever you need to do to protect yourself and your children.
Thanks Cadet, your sage words are so helpful. I'm now focused on moving forward with or without my W.
Currently I do not want to really speak with STBXW on anything unless it's to do with D3. This is for my own protection and detachment which has worked on my side. As I detach there's less pain.
I've made progress on the paperwork I must submit to L.
I made progress on GAL, I have created my own meetup group for single parents with kids in my area and we will be going to fun kids venues on weekends.
Thanks again Cadet, TxHubby, Cristy, CWOL, Lostman, and LiM, for all your support, shared stories and interest in my sitch.
You input will not be forgotten. Love to all.
Keep us informed on how things continue to progress. Good work on the meetup group. Being social will help.
You are a truly a great dad and your D is lucky to have you.
Thanks so much Lostman, I appreciate your encouragement.
We've agreed to put D3 in daycare starting in Aug. WW wants to meet me with D3 on friday after work to take D3 to the Daycare to check it out and register.
Do you think this is a good idea to go with her at this point? At this point I dread seeing her because of the pain it causes. Having the 3 of us together I assume will be even tougher because it's a reminder of what we once had. I kinda prefer keeping in dark mode but not sure if it's good for D3 to have both her parents there when registering for Daycare.
Any thoughts are welcome.
We had a great day yesterday at the meetup I organized. 3 other parents with their young kids showed up to our event at the science centre. It was nice having other parents to interact with while the 4 kids played together. All of us had a blast and we're going to do another event next Sat.
GAL continues strong: I meet up with an old university friend adn his brother last night after dropping D3 to her mom's, and we caught up. They gave me some good support and told me that the big positive thing is that I will now be able to find a partner that is much more compatible. I know there will be a lot of work for me till I reach that day. I have to focus on detaching and healing, understanding my patterns in the MR that contributed to the eventual failure, and accepting and loving myself.
Also yesterday my WW asked if we could discuss a few things when I drop D3 to her house, but as I had plans I told her I couldn't stay for long but offered to do lunch this week. She couldn't commit to lunch this week at all so no idea what she wants to discuss at this point. Let's see.
Today I also attended a Single Parents Social brunch - another meetup I'm a member of and met some other cool parents and made friends with another single dad who has the same separation timeline as me.
Nonetheless I'm still very lonely and deeply miss having my one and only mate, though I know that person is no where to be found now and she continues her own separate life with her boss/OM.
At this point I'm giving up hope on Reconciliation but I dread the dysfunction and challenge of co-parenting. I have to accept this as there's no other option.
The only thing I do now is to pray that the Holy Spirit touches her heart to forgive my wrongdoings and to one day have hope in our MR and seek R. The choice will ultimately be hers.
8 weeks of physical separation has now passed.
Good news - D3 was accepted into a Daycare that is close to my childhood church which I've re-started to attend weekly. This location sets the stage for where WW and I will soon relocate and be in two separate bi-nuclear homes for D3. This is where we carry out the rest of our separate lives. Just need to sell the matrimonial home now.
Tomorrow I am meeting WW and D3 at the day-care to check it out. It will be the first time the 3 of us do something together in a long while.
There's no hope of reconciliation in sight, so I'm head-down on all the financial paperwork that needs to be filled for the Separation Agreement.
The loneliness is difficult but appreciate the support of all the great DBers here.
1gr8dad,
I just read through this thread and my hearts breaks for you. I can relate to you on so many levels. I will keep you in my prayers that this loneliness you feel doesn't last long. I am just starting on my first official week of real separation and the hope is small, very small, and I wonder if it's good to hold onto hope in situations like ours. After reading your story, I just don't know.
The good news is you seem like a great dad, and that fact can never be taken from you. Keep doing your best daddy work, and take care of yourself. I will be rooting for you.
Klassic, thank you so much for taking the time to read though my sitch and for your empathy for me. I deeply identify with you and your sitch as well. Lets keep track of each others progress. I feel it will be helpful given the similarities in both our stories and timelines.
WRT hope, no matter how small it may be, we still need to hope. For me I am just packing my hope into a box for now and storing it away while I focus on myself and D3. This is because I can't let hope keep me stuck. Instead I need to step back and look at a bigger picture. The priority now is for me to fix myself where I can.
The first month of Separation is the toughest. The only way past the pain is through it. Don't let the pain weigh you down, instead use the pain to plan the changes you need in yourself. No kidding, it's so tough. That's why were are here for you. Keep posting and journalling your feelings.
Thank-you for your prayers and support.
This past weekend was a blessing with beautiful weather and a great day. I organized another single parent meetup and it was a hit. We have 5 parents and 6 kids join for ice creme and playing in the park. Everyone had a blast. Among those who I met was another single dad who has the same timeline as me and we connect again over lunch the next day. It's nice to have someone else going though this to talk to.
GAL has been good. Sunday I spent most of the day filling out financial paperwork for the Separation Agreement.
I'm finding myself slightly less depressed and alone as each day passes by. Still doing well on Detachment: While I WANT my wife and family reunited, I no longer NEED her. Perhaps half the battle.
WW keeps wanting to meet in person to discuss D3. I already have to see WW every Sat when I drop off D3 and I hate it - the last two weeks she asks if I could come inside last minute to discuss things about D3. The first time I had GAL plans so I told her I couldn't but offered to meet for lunch during the week - which would not work for her. This time I sent a preemptive text explaining I didn't want to come into where I recently once lived to discuss anything while D3 was around. I proposed we discuss matters on the phone. She replied asking what the big deal was, we have been married for 5 years.
My struggle is this: Do I appear weak or scared if I don't want to see her in person for something that can be discussed over the phone or even e-mail?
What are your thoughts?
Ya, so yesterday it seemed it was destined we see each other as WW needed to drop of Day care forms for me to sign. At least I was ready and composed.
She gave me a hug when she first saw me, I hugged her back but kept it short. She seemed pretty scattered/nervous but we focused on the procedures for signing the daycare papers.
We also came to an agreement that we would sell the matrimonial home. This is both a sad thing for me and a good thing: so we can move on with our lives. Separation is a time of such mixed feelings and emotions.
Off the cuff I causally mentioned she was looking well (I wanted to tell her she was looking good even though she was acting somewhat of mess). She replied that her boss' mother was seriously injured in an accident and that has left her pretty busy at work. I simply told her to convey my sadness to hear of the situation to her boss.
Now it makes sense why I got the hug: it's when her AP/boss is not around for her and she is emotionally needy. This also happened when her boss was away on vacation for a week, I also got a hug and an "I miss you" from her after a child mediation session. Or maybe I'm reading into it to much?
Anyhow I feel Sandi would be proud if she could see the interaction. I was very natural on my part, calm and respectful, to the point and somewhat friendly, and even ended the interaction when I felt she wanted to hang around more but there was nothing material to discuss.
That said, every time I see her in person, while I'm strong in the moment I still crumble inside after seeing her and interacting for non-short periods. I didn't sleep well last night.
I'm fine 99% of the rest of the time, detach, dark, GALing all going strong. It's just interacting with her in person that kills me after.
Does anyone else get this?
It's been two months of physical separation, does it get better as time goes by?
I'm in better shape today. Had a GALgantious weekend!
Two meetups with single parents, one that I hosted at our science center, and another potluck someone else hosted Sat evening.
Today had brunch with a friend and strolled on the beach boardwalk.
More GAL = Less pain = more confidence in knowing I'll be ok with or without her. It sounds more like without her.
I see WW when I drop off D3 back at the condo from which I've moved out of now. This time seeing her was ok, maybe because I am in a better place and have accepted my seat on the D train.
We've agreed to sell the condo and were discussing how to handle real estate agents. She wants me to come help her work on some minor renos on the condo so it sells well.
Everything is happening so fast. I'm still struggling to get though the financial paperwork. I'm not sure how I feel about spending time with her all of a sudden after two months of separation to work on the condo.
Any advice?
Way to go 1gr8dad with all the GALing. You are my idol in that department and you set an example that I am hoping to follow.
I am still learning the ropes as my Dbing had mostly consisted of dodging some red anger and now several handoffs of my D5. So my advice is pretty basic as it relates to your time with her and the condo business. Keep up your confidence and act " as if". You will best determine what the "as if" is.
You sound to be doing well and I look forward to continue following you as you have done some good things to be in a great place no matter what happens.
Thanks so much Sadhub, I appreciate your encouragement and advice!
It's good to be kept reminded of DB principles when your head is lost in your heart sometimes.
Ok, I got this message from WW today:
I expect it goes without saying that if you're ever taking [D3] out of the city you will let me know. I don't appreciate how many new people are regulars in my child's life and I don't even know them. So I hope you can at least keep me aware of her whereabouts should she be out of reach.
I can't believe who you are and how little I know you.
I assume this is in response to the Potluck Party I took my D3 to and the meetup group for single parents and kids between 2-8 years that I organize.
Here's my potential Responses. Should I use A or B or something else?
Any feedback is welcome.
A)
Dear WW, what I do with OUR daughter when she's in my custody is my choice. I hope you can trust me that I have OUR daughter's best interest at heart and will never put her in harms way. My intention for introducing her to new friends and new kids is to enrich her life and increase her level of comfort with interrelating with others her age beside her cousins.
When you chose to leave me, you also chose to leave 1/2 of your D3's life. Now that you don't have control over my life and the time D3 is in it I suggest you stop complaining about it.
Since you decided to remove me from your life, I have decided to get a life of my own, one that fulfills me. I guess I can thank-you for making that happen.
I know we're still working on the full Parenting Plan, so I understand that I cannot remove D3 from the country without your consent so I never would. While I do not require your permission to take D3 out of the city, if you like, I will notify you by e-mail if I do.
Have a pleasant day.
B)
Dear WW, I'm sorry that you feel the way you do about how little you know me. I can understand your frustration about not fully knowing what's going on in Ava's life when she's not with you. I sometimes feel the same way but realize this is the way things will be given we are now separated.
However, I hope you can trust me that I have our daughter's best interest at heart and will never put her in harms way. My intention for introducing her to new friends and new kids is to enrich her life and increase her level of comfort with interrelating with others her age beside her cousins.
I currently have no plans for leaving the city with Ava, but it's possible I may want to take her for a day trip to the zoo or lion safari this summer. For these events I will notify you by e-mail because I realize it will make you feel comfortable.
I hope you are well.
Sorry, response A was for my own therapy. LOL.
I love both of them, but I agree with you. Option A was for you, option B is the more appropriate.
Very well written
Hi 1gr8dad,
I posted this on rich4j's thread, but it probably got pushed down. Can you answer for me on the "healing guided meditation audio book?"
I looked on scribd but could not find that particular audio book. There were several with similar names but none were 15 minutes long. Is it still up there?
My thinking is say little, keep it sweet and simple.
As in WW you make some interesting observations thank you.
It's called fogging responses. And reduces drama in your sitch.
Or say nothing at all can be a good choice.
V
Thanks 1gr8dad,
I downloaded a few of them and started listening to them. So far I'm not able to clear my mind of stuff yet, but I will keep trying! I found some apps that did the same thing to, with flowing, zen-like music. They did put me to sleep last night, although I still woke up at 4 am.
Please be careful.
External links are against board policy and your membership of the board can be affected by this.
The best thing is to ask the mods to adjust your post using the notify button.
You are too precious and valuable here.
V
Right thanks V for the heads up.
I've been a little up and down lately. Please help, I need some 2x4's probably and some DB love
I think reviewing all the financials now that I had to submit disclosure, seeing all our vacation expenses, and also seeing my WW's spending habits is messing with my head. It's obvious she was taking someone out to lunch on the regular; no doubt her boss who was broke from his own divorce.
In 2015 there are over 40 credit card entries for lunch meals with amounts that would cover 2 people. I didn't even look into 2014 because that's not needed for financial disclosure.
I had a parenting counselling meeting today with WW to discuss how we split our D3's time over vacations and future summer holidays. At least I don't get the puking feeling when we talk about how to arrange 1 weeks vacations with D3 fairly. I'll take this as a good sign I'm entering the acceptance phase. Without the detachment and going dark I don't think I'd be where I am now.
However, I wanted to raise the nasty note WW sent be about involving D3 in GAL. WW got distressed and silently angry when I raised this issue today.
I love the double standard: WW is in a secret affair with her boss, they bring D3 over to each other's places to have play-dates according to my daughter.
She then has the gall to tell the councillor she can't believe that I'm already introducing other people (friends and their kids from my meetup group) into HER daughter's life. And she starts to cry.
The councillor didn't see any issue with what I was doing since it is always public places we go to and in a group.
Of course WW is playing house with her OM and D3 and OM's D8 while I hear about it from the sidelines. I was so tempted to expose that there but I knew my WW would just say he's a friend who's been around already in D3's life for some time now. Lol.
I guess I need to detach more to not let this stuff get to me.
It's almost 6 months since BD
Some days I feel like I dodged a bullet.
Some days I am fraught with jealousy.
Some days I am excited about a new future and life.
Some days I cannot accept the dysfunction of the dance we will be in for the rest of our lives while handing D3 back and forth.
Some days I realize I may be better off without her - though it doesn't feel like that right now when the pain is felt piercing my heart again.
How do I get off this nightmare roller-coaster???
Hi 1gr8dad. I just read your thread, and my heart breaks for you and your D3. There was so much love thrown by the wayside.
You are doing an incredible job on the GAL front, and I now have serious GAL envy.
The roller coaster ride is utterly exhausting and disempowering. There are days that we can almost (well at least for a few minutes to hours, in my case) forget what's happening, and then other days it all sneaks up on us and knocks us flat on our backs. I've learned that hope can be a cruel thing, and that no hope can be worse. I've learned more than I ever wanted to about what it means to be anxious and depressed, but I have also learned how to reach out for help, and that is a sign of growth. Every once in a while I glimpse a brighter future, but it is always around a corner I can never quite seem to reach.
When that roller coaster ride gives me a good day, I just roll with it and make the most of the moments. When it goes downhill, well... I try to keep in mind that things will turn the other way again. I crash, I share, I reach out, I do whatever I can to claw myself back up to the surface. I focus on getting through to the next day, hour, minute...
I don't know what the future will bring, but I try to keep myself open to any possibility, even as the possibility of R becomes more and more distant. Every day I struggle with whether or not I should initiate divorce proceedings in order to protect myself financially, and yet I haven't been able to bring myself to do so. I continue to stand for my M, though I am no longer sure why. I continue to try to be the lighthouse, even though he is so far away that he will never be able to see my light. I so loved the man he was, and yet I don't know this new man and his new values are so counter to my own.
Detachment is such a deceptively simple idea, and so very easy to talk about. For me it remains a goal, but one I not been able to obtain for more than moments at a time. So, really, I'm barely detached at all. Maybe more resigned. I still strive for detachment. Distance is the only thing that I have found has helped me since I found out about the PA, heard the "it's over" thing for the first time, and my hopes for R were dashed. Distance gives me the ability to fake detachment until I can make it.
Sorry to clutter your thread, but I'm glad you're here and thank you for popping over to my thread with your kind words. I hope that you get some rest.
My only advice for you is to make room for your emotions and recognize that, no matter what they are, they are completely normal. If you feel sad, or angry, or frustrated, etc., acknowledge it, let yourself feel it, know it is normal, and then let it pass through you in its own time. It is the only thing that I have found that truly helps me. Stuffing it down, denying it, telling myself I have to be strong for myself or others almost destroyed me. I had to do something differently, and I decided to just allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling. Surprisingly, it helped.
I guess I need to detach more to not let this stuff get to me.
It's almost 6 months since BD
Some days I feel like I dodged a bullet.
Some days I am fraught with jealousy.
Some days I am excited about a new future and life.
Some days I cannot accept the dysfunction of the dance we will be in for the rest of our lives while handing D3 back and forth.
Some days I realize I may be better off without her - though it doesn't feel like that right now when the pain is felt piercing my heart again.
How do I get off this nightmare roller-coaster???
1gr8dad,
There is not an easy answer for getting off the coaster. But in my journey staying in the moment and focus on the hope, positives and our children has equalized the ups and downs.
Review your list in the quote, split it up. When the negative thoughts/ feelings invade your mind, look to the positive thoughts that you have written.
My D17 told me about a guest speaker she had in her psychology class on Friday. The speaker told them about a depressed time in his life due to a bizarre illness that made him lose all of his hair. He saw a therapist for help with the depression and was told to write down 5 positive things that he wanted and believed he could accomplish. He was told to pull it out each time the depressed or negative thoughts entered his mind.
He did so for one day, but went to the therapist and said it did not work. He pulled it out every other minute but did not feel better. His therapist told him to do it for a week straight and kicked him out of the office. A week later he returned and told his therapist, it was still not working. His therapist asked if he knew who Arnold Schwarzenegger was. He said that he did. The therapist asked him if he thought that Arnold could see muscles after his first week of working out. He replied that he did not think so. He asked how long before he may have seen results. The response was in a number of months, and then years to reach his full potential.
The point that I got from this, is that many of us are just starting our own exercises for our mental strength and it will take time. The more consistent that we are with our efforts, and the better the form that we do the exercises, the stronger we will become. But it will take time.
You are doing some great things. Believe in yourself. Control yourself. Accept that WW will do what she does, and you will catch some of the consequences from her actions, but you are in full control of your actions. God, the universe and karma always has a way of balancing things out. Keep on your path, learn from your mistakes, stay focused on what you can control, and take it one step at a time. And don't forget to hug, hug hug your d3. She will know your strength, and love. And you will gain huge bursts of strength and love from her unconditional love in return.
May you find peace this day and enjoy the moments of joy.
I don't have a lot to say. But simply this:
Hold your head high. You are succeeding for you and your D3, and that is what matters. You can't control your WW, you can only control your actions and your thoughts, and so far, your actions have been only what could be expected. Stop second-guessing yourself, and remember that living is trial and error. Keep moving forward, and give your daughter the strength she will need to do the same.
1gr8dad,
I just want to let you know that I'm sitting right next to you in the same roller coaster. Except lately it's been just going into free-fall, and I've been having that butterfly in my belly feeling for a long time...
1gr8dad,
I also want to let you know that I am on the same ride and free-falling. Hold your head high! God will give us the strength to get through this.
Just checking it to see how 1gr8dad is doing today.
Be sure to give lots of hugs to D3
Hope all is well
It's almost 6 months since BD
Some days I feel like I dodged a bullet.
Some days I am fraught with jealousy.
Some days I am excited about a new future and life.
Some days I cannot accept the dysfunction of the dance we will be in for the rest of our lives while handing D3 back and forth.
Some days I realize I may be better off without her - though it doesn't feel like that right now when the pain is felt piercing my heart again.
How do I get off this nightmare roller-coaster???
Unfortunately the roller coaster won't stop for a while but you are doing all the right things.
It is hard to balance your feelings. Future---yes...it looks bright and is exciting..."I can do it, it will be new and fresh and better without my W."
And then the reality that you will have to interact with her for a long time with D3....
And that she is off the wall with the double standard stuff.
And the fact that she is/was your wife and you love (d) her.
No easy pill to swallow. Just that she has done the wrong things and you have not so all you can do is keep your head high and continue to focus on you and your daughter.
I have gone through all those emotions and came out the other side. And then I went through them again and there are events that have triggered jealousy, anger, resentment, sadness and sometimes I find myself just needing to cry. And then a good day or week of being excited about the future without her.
It's normal. We can't stop our feelings so let them happen and just do what you know is right.
It is hard to balance your feelings. Future---yes...it looks bright and is exciting..."I can do it, it will be new and fresh and better without my W."
And that she is off the wall with the double standard stuff.
And the fact that she is/was your wife and you love (d) her.
No easy pill to swallow. Just that she has done the wrong things and you have not so all you can do is keep your head high and continue to focus on you and your daughter.
I have gone through all those emotions and came out the other side. And then I went through them again and there are events that have triggered jealousy, anger, resentment, sadness and sometimes I find myself just needing to cry. And then a good day or week of being excited about the future without her.
It's normal. We can't stop our feelings so let them happen and just do what you know is right.
Today I got hit with all of those emotions at the same time. Came out of no where and I am standing there crying like a baby. Never experienced anything like it. Not even sure what the trigger was. May have been several that stacked up over the day.
1gr8dad,
Just a check in to see how you are doing. Hope it has been a good week and that you are enjoying your weekend.
Hope to hear an update from you soon.
My D17 told me about a guest speaker she had in her psychology class on Friday. The speaker told them about a depressed time in his life due to a bizarre illness that made him lose all of his hair. He saw a therapist for help with the depression and was told to write down 5 positive things that he wanted and believed he could accomplish. He was told to pull it out each time the depressed or negative thoughts entered his mind.
He did so for one day, but went to the therapist and said it did not work. He pulled it out every other minute but did not feel better. His therapist told him to do it for a week straight and kicked him out of the office. A week later he returned and told his therapist, it was still not working. His therapist asked if he knew who Arnold Schwarzenegger was. He said that he did. The therapist asked him if he thought that Arnold could see muscles after his first week of working out. He replied that he did not think so. He asked how long before he may have seen results. The response was in a number of months, and then years to reach his full potential.
The point that I got from this, is that many of us are just starting our own exercises for our mental strength and it will take time. The more consistent that we are with our efforts, and the better the form that we do the exercises, the stronger we will become. But it will take time.
Sadhub, thank you so much for sharing this story. It means a lot to me.
You are doing some great things. Believe in yourself. Control yourself. Accept that WW will do what she does, and you will catch some of the consequences from her actions, but you are in full control of your actions. God, the universe and karma always has a way of balancing things out. Keep on your path, learn from your mistakes, stay focused on what you can control, and take it one step at a time. And don't forget to hug, hug hug your d3. She will know your strength, and love. And you will gain huge bursts of strength and love from her unconditional love in return.
May you find peace this day and enjoy the moments of joy.
Sadhub, your undying support is amazing thanks again for your response. This is just what I needed to hear and got goose bumps when reading it.
Hi 1gr8dad. I just read your thread, and my heart breaks for you and your D3. There was so much love thrown by the wayside.
You are doing an incredible job on the GAL front, and I now have serious GAL envy.
Thanks so much for your support Phoebe. It's so sad we are all here but the good thing is that we are on an accelerated path of self discovery while overcoming adversity.
My only advice for you is to make room for your emotions and recognize that, no matter what they are, they are completely normal. If you feel sad, or angry, or frustrated, etc., acknowledge it, let yourself feel it, know it is normal, and then let it pass through you in its own time. It is the only thing that I have found that truly helps me. Stuffing it down, denying it, telling myself I have to be strong for myself or others almost destroyed me. I had to do something differently, and I decided to just allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling. Surprisingly, it helped.
Thank-you again for your words of advice and encouragement, I have taken them to heart and practice. I will come by your thread shortly to check on your. Hugs for now.
Jazzy1. CWOL, JimKao, rich4j, thank-you all for your support and words of encouragement and understanding. Sorry it's been a while since I caught up on my own thread, things have been busy with getting the financial disclosure done and at work. I plan to drop by your threads soon.
HELP. NEED ADVICE!
HELP. NEED ADVICE!
HELP. NEED ADVICE!
I still cry. I'm crying right now.
To date I have decided not to expose WW's affair with her boss/OM. I still assume her family thinks the relationship is platonic and she still denies anything is going on. But recently I feel something is impacting D3's well being.
D3 has regressed over the last two weeks to behaviours that were present at the time of separation. Potty training has taken a step backwards and D3 is waking up and in the middle of the night and insists in sleeping in my bed. D3 is also becoming moody and perverse sometimes.
D3 has reported that she sleeps over at the OM's house and OM and his D8 sleep over at WW's home. It hasn't even been 3 months since we physically separated and I'm concerned about the messaging D3 is seeing. It sounds like WW and OM are already blending their separated families together and playing house.
Further, WW is pushing me for an alternating weekend custody schedule which I strongly believe is really for her to sync with OM's schedule so that they can have the kids on the same weekend. She is even offering me an increase in custody from a 40/60 to a 50/50 so I can quickly agree, but she's not aware I figured out her boss' schedule and thus her ulterior motive.
Our Parenting Councillor (PC) has told us that the introduction of a new partner should follow an agreed upon process and that having play days at each other's homes with an adult of the opposite sex sends a wrong message especially if the child has not completely finished grieving the end of the marriage. We have a meeting with the PC next week to discuss this but WW wants me to agree to the new schedule before then.
My problem is that WW will vehemently deny her affair with her boss because if ever found out, her family will likely alienate her and their employee will likely fire him and even her.
By now I've given up any hope of Reconciliation, but also don't want to create an upset in WW's life because it may grossly affect the well-being of D3, and not to mention we are trying to work together to sell the home and settle the divorce as amicably as possible, and be good co-parents.
My parents are aware of all of this and feel that I should not care what WW does while D3 is with her, and that a new partner is inevitable. They feel I should accept the 50/50 alternating weekend schedule before tackling D3's behaviour issues mentioned, before WW changes her mind.
I feel I want to address the behaviours of WW and her boss while with D3 before I agree to a schedule that enables them to do more of the same.
A friend recommended that I meet with the PC separately this week to address my concerns offline and give the PC the heads up that WW will deny her AP. Then during the meeting next week with WW, myself and PC, I will try to ask for the weekend that doesn't sync with her AP's and see how she reacts in hopes this will expose her motivation.
My parents feel that I am confusing what I think is best for D3 with my desire to expose WW. Admittedly I would feel some sense of justice if her family knew what was really going on instead of them placing 100% of the blame of marriage breakdown on me.
However, I have held my tongue about her affair for 5 months but the desire to expose her at least to the PC is intensified because of the impact to D3.
What should I do?
A) Should I drop the rope and forget about what WW does with D3 on her time. And take advantage of the 50/50. I would then separately address any behavioural issues D3 is experiencing, even though the new schedule would enable WW and OM to easily blend their family's so early after separation.
B) Should I play a rouse to expose WW's ulterior motive of wanting the alternating weekends to sync with her AP's, there-by trapping her to admitting to the affair so we can deal with the proper protocol of blending the family?
Advise would be welcome.
Thanks in advance.
1gr8dad,
I'm probably in the minority but if I were you, I would expose your WW's affair to her employer. Since you have already written off your MR and chalk it up to D, I don't see any downside for you. I was in a similar quandary and although it has not ended my WW's EA, it ended the lies and manipulation and gave me a significant sense of vindication.
My own thought is to ask what is best for D3? You are an adult, WW is an adult, you will both get through this but D3 is just starting out and the scars from this could last a lifetime. This is one of the few times that I would suggest you look outside yourself and think about what might be truly best for others.
With that said I have no idea what the answer is - I just thought that this was the right question.
I feel I want to address the behaviours of WW and her boss while with D3 before I agree to a schedule that enables them to do more of the same.
A friend recommended that I meet with the PC separately this week to address my concerns offline and give the PC the heads up that WW will deny her AP. Then during the meeting next week with WW, myself and PC, I will try to ask for the weekend that doesn't sync with her AP's and see how she reacts in hopes this will expose her motivation.
My parents feel that I am confusing what I think is best for D3 with my desire to expose WW. Admittedly I would feel some sense of justice if her family knew what was really going on instead of them placing 100% of the blame of marriage breakdown on me.
However, I have held my tongue about her affair for 5 months but the desire to expose her at least to the PC is intensified because of the impact to D3.
What should I do?
A) Should I drop the rope and forget about what WW does with D3 on her time. And take advantage of the 50/50. I would then separately address any behavioural issues D3 is experiencing, even though the new schedule would enable WW and OM to easily blend their family's so early after separation.
B) Should I play a rouse to expose WW's ulterior motive of wanting the alternating weekends to sync with her AP's, there-by trapping her to admitting to the affair so we can deal with the proper protocol of blending the family?
Advise would be welcome.
Thanks in advance.
1gr8dad,
Advice from someone may not be a bad idea. Do you have a L to discuss this with?
I can tell you my 5 boys are acting differently just because of the separation between W and I.
You cannot control what W does with D3 on W's time, but you may be able to control the impact the separation has on D3 from a legal perspective.
I am in a no fault state but I do know that it will not look favorable on my W from a custody perspective if she is introducing our kids to OMs.
1gr8dad,
You have some very challenging questions. I don't know that I have a great answer, but I do agree with some of the responses for you.
What is best for d3.
Consult a with a good L for legal advice as it will help in making wise decisions and help for future decisions by the courts. Hopefully in your state the courts favor the well being of the kids above all eles. I am fortunate in that aspect as well as my L is very focused on that.
I am not one to give advice on exposure as I have no experience for that but there are many vets here on the forums that can hopefull give you the goods and bads.
I continue to pray for you and your family and hope that you are able to find information that can help you make the best decision.
Be sure to look out for you and d3 above all else.
Thanks all for your feedback. I appreciate it.
Guys thanks again for everyone's input.
CWOL, thanks for your interest in my sitch. I feel that exposing WW's affair with her boss to their employer would have a catastrophic effect on the ability of WW and I to have:
- an amicable co-parenting relationship
- to settle this divorce collaboratively
Anyhow, with option B, I actually only wanted to expose the Affair to our Parenting Coordinator (PC) so we can discuss what's the best way of introducing a new partner into D3's life only 3 months since we physically separated. The problem is that WW will never admit it so I would have to play games to expose her.
So, with some hesitation I ended up going with Option A.
This option immediately enables WW to maximize her single life with her boss' single life, and allows the blending of D3 with OM's D8 on alternating weekends. But I get 50% custody and a full alternating weekends with D3. I cannot put a price on that!
I can only control what happens in my D3's life when she's with me. If WW chooses to play house with OM and his daughter with sleepovers at each other's houses like D3 reports, than any negative emotional scarring D3 has as fallout is on WW, not me. I can only bring it up with our PC when it becomes an issue.
Worrying about what's going on when D3 is not in my custody takes away from my focus. My focus is on how to be the best dad for D3 when she is with me.
Right - so today my D3 sees the newspaper and on the front page is a man who looks like WW's OM/boss and she asks if it's you know who.
My own dad was around when this happened and starts asking D3 questions and discovers that OM is coming over to "mommy's home" (the condo I'm still paying for) and OM brings his D8 and dog. It's been just over 2 months since I moved out. WTF!
At least now I have crisp evidence to bring up with PC.
Now I need to spew some of my own anger.
- Why again did I agree to move out of my home to rough it out living with my parents until we sell the matrimonial condo?
- How can someone just swap out their husband for another man literally overnight? (I guess it wasn't overnight because I believe the EA started years ago).
- How can WW subject their kid to this utter dysfunction?
- As a man how do I recover from this ultimate ego blow, where I have lost my wife and 1/2 my daughter. Any my home, dignity, and sense of worth?
- How is WW carrying on this Affair without her family finding out or someone at work discovering?
My Parents tell me that until I forgive WW for what she is doing the anger and bitterness will eat from the inside out. I understand what they are saying but how can I get past all this?
You can't get past it now, not yet. You don't even have to forgive. Thats for her to ask God for.
But you can't let this eat you up, and consume you. Otherwise you're not going to come out stronger. You don't need material things to be happy. You really don't. Keep what little sanity you have left and start from scratch. One day at a time, build your confidence with something that you're good at, your God given talent.
Share the love that your WW has thrown away with the people that do care about you, even strangers. They will appreciate you for you.
I'm out of ideas. Big hugs.
1gr8dad,
I am so sorry you found this info. There will be days that you do forgive and there will be days that you will spew the anger! Let the anger pass through you.
I am spewing anger today also. I have to move out of my home also but do not know when. No plan where to go, head is spinning with so many thoughts.
Let all the emotions flow through you. You are the better person and your D3 will feel it and know it. My S4 keeps telling me that he wants to live with me. It hurts when we find things out that are not pro M.
You are a caring and loving father. Be the best dad you can be to your D3, she will be a better person because of you!
Now I need to spew some of my own anger.
- Why again did I agree to move out of my home to rough it out living with my parents until we sell the matrimonial condo?
- How can someone just swap out their husband for another man literally overnight? (I guess it wasn't overnight because I believe the EA started years ago).
- How can WW subject their kid to this utter dysfunction?
- As a man how do I recover from this ultimate ego blow, where I have lost my wife and 1/2 my daughter. Any my home, dignity, and sense of worth?
- How is WW carrying on this Affair without her family finding out or someone at work discovering?
My Parents tell me that until I forgive WW for what she is doing the anger and bitterness will eat from the inside out. I understand what they are saying but how can I get past all this?
1GR- we are in the same universe and sphere with what you are going thru. I am being asked to leave weekly for 4 months now and will have to shortly not because by law I need to but doing what's best for may daughter and situation. YOU are too and doing what you thought was right....she is NOT. Don't look back on it and just that you did what a good dad would do.
Ego- OMG...how does this suck? It does. Again ..going thru the same thing. STBX has lied to me about EA since last summer and PA since she filed so she had a clearer conscious. It hurts sometimes alot and then fades and then hurts. It is THEIR dysfunction NOT yours. You can look in the mirror and not have to down a bunch of rolaids to sleep...bet she does!
Anger/bitterness- add resentment and hate to the list. I don't have an answer for you on this. My friends keep telling me "so what" .....she didn't really cheat on you until she filed and even if so, your the better person and didn't stray.
I think you can not get past this bitterness until over time. I know I won't...it will take a good amount of time for me no matter what anyone tells me but get your happiness pill from the children and hopefully doing other things that make you smile. And maybe meeting someone who appreciates you more in the future!!!
DDJ, thanks for your words of good advice.
JimKao, I've been following your thread and deeply empathize with your sitch and admire what a great dad you are.
Rich4j. seems we have a lot on common as well.
Make sure you don't leave the house until you have a Legally enforceable parenting plan. I roughed it out for 3 months in home separation until that was done. It was awful but now I have almost 50/50 with D3.
Thanks for your comments. Yes, my best source of happiness comes from the new memories I create with D3. Thanks for reminding me of the good things in my life
Have a great weekend guys. Thanks again.
Just stopping in to wish you well, 1gr8dad. I am sorry to hear about the latest developments in your situation. Both you and your D3 deserve so much better.
1gr8dad,
Just wanted check in and tell you I am praying for you and d3.
We can't always make sense of the actions others take, and in this case, there is no excuse for the WW behavior and decisions.
But you can be the best father and you can teach d3 what is right in a family and I know you will step up to that challenge.
Be well this weekend and know that I am in your corner and will support and share ideas for how we can both be great dads for our little angel daughters.
Phoebe and SadHum thanks for checking in and your prayers.
D3 and I had a great long weekend here in Canada.
This weekend D3 and I went to Centre Island with an old University buddy and his D7. He's been divorced for a few years now. The 2 girls accompanied each other on the amusement park rides and we caught up. Everyone had a blast, and It's the first time in a long time I could feel I was back to my happy self.
This Friday is when WW and I see the Parenting Coordinator to discuss the topic of introducing new partners.
I'm still wondering how this discussion will go given the fact that WW and her boss/AP are sleeping over with the kids at each other's houses, and WW still denies she is/was having an affair.
My D3 tells me that even OM comes over to the matrimonial home with his D7 and even brings his dog for the weekend. They have made cakes together like the Bradey Bunch, go swimming in my pool. My D3 has even said they D7 and D3 sleep with mummy in the same bed. Sounds pretty messed up and concerns me because D3 has stopped wanting to sleep by herself when she's at my place. D3 has even said something about mummy having to use daddy's shower because of the people sleeping over. So she still associates the matrimonial home as being a place where I lived.
D3 has told me of "fashion-shows" that she partakes in at OM's house with his D7 and tells me she sleeps on the "little bed," D7 sleeps on the big bed and the dog sleeps in the cage. Not sure where WW and OM are sleeping.
It disgusts me this is all going on not even 3 months have passed since I moved out.
I plan on raising all of this on Friday with PC but know WW will deny it.
Sorry for the rant.
Any advice on how to handle this confrontation with WW while at PC would be welcome.
Gr8dad,
My stomach turns reading this. The anger that I felt just under the surface of late is starting to boil on your behalf.
I had a brief daydream of bursting into your house and smacking the on around......
What disgusting and reprehensible behavior by both your WW and om.
Brother I wish I could intervene on your behalf......
My prayers and support go out to you and your d3. I hope your L can advise and assist you in a solution for this.
Sadhub, thanks for being in my corner. Boxing gloves and all!
Ya it blows my mind what's going on so quickly. Put aside my personal pain, I'm very concerned about the potential physiological impact of this on D3.
I doubt there is any legal recourse for this kind of thing unless D3 is put in physical harm's way. (WW's boss is not an alcoholic or child abuser thank God).
But ultimately I will move on as well and perhaps even blend a family one day too. So I know I have to accept this eventuality. However, I would never do it so quickly and certainly not in the midst of WW, D3, and I grieving the end of the marriage.
My only hope to curtail this issue is to try to get WW to first admit to it and for the Parenting Coordinator (PC) to advise this is not good for D3 and appeal to WW to refrain.
Than I have to decide if I agree to let WW sync her alternating weekend with her OM's. She's trying to manipulate her desired weekend without admitting her ulterior motive. I'm having a hard time deciding to allow it if she continues to a) deny her affair and b) continue blending the families prematurely.
On the other hand I want to have alternating weekends as this will even us out to have D3 50/50. What do I do?
What is your current co parenting plan?
And I would keep an eye on this situation with d3 and what is going on when with WW. I have been told that good documentation and consistency can build a case that may not be there initially.
You indicate some things that may affect her psychologically. Go with your gut.
Yes he may not be a creep by the normal sense, but the things you indicate are a path the wrong way.
I may be rambling as my anger and distrust in my sitch may be breaking through a bit.
Anyway my advice on the co parenting plan, make the decision that is best for you and do not worry about her motives. She will adjust her motives regardless of what you do, so take care of you and d3 first when deciding.
1gr8dad,
I agree with Sadhub, do what is best for you and D3 because she will adjust to your actions. Remember you can't control her. Take it slow you don't need to make any decisions until you see the PC again.
OK thanks for the good advice guys.
Sadhub this is my current 1 week recurring plan :
Mon: Daddy overnight
Tue: Mommy overnight
Wed: Daddy overnight
Thu: Mommy overnight
Fri: Daddy overnight
Sat: Daddy till 8pm, Mommy Overnight
Sun: Mommy overnight
This is about 45 daddy / 55 mommy
The proposed plan would be very close to a 2-2-3 two week alternating schedule. which is 50/50
i prefer the 50 50.
So to clarify the alternating weeks do you mean
You Mon Tue
Her Wed Thurs
You Fri Sat Sun
Her Mon Tue
You Wed Thur
Her Fri Sat Sun
This is the best as no more than 3 days away from either parent.
That plan is a hot mess. Kids never gonna know what's going on and very difficult for parents to plan. Why not just a three day with dad, then three day with mom.. Easy 50/50, weekends rotate, child gets fair time with both parents through out a few months.
Yes Sadhub the 2-2-3 is as you say and works well for parents who live close to each other and have younger kids who may suffer from separation anxiety if separated from either parent for too long.
Week 1: M M D D M M M
Week 2: D D M M D D D
Ralph, I imagine that different plans work for different folks.
That plan has been perfect for my d5. She knows exactly what is going on, planning as a parent is quite simple and minimizing the time away from either parent has maintained stability. No hot mess here after over 1 month.
Rotating weekends with 3 days with one parent turns it into almost a week away. Many of the LBH on this forum seem to struggle with their children away for so many days at a time. I imagine it depends on how much time parents want between having their kids with them. Heck, this was the only thing WAW and I could agree on the first time.
All this IMHO, but to each their own.
Yes Sadhub the 2-2-3 is as you say and works well for parents who live close to each other and have younger kids who may suffer from separation anxiety if separated from either parent for too long.
Week 1: M M D D M M M
Week 2: D D M M D D D
Agreed.
I can't even comprehend what i'm going to do when my day comes. I've spoken about 5/2, as WW should be around corner and i'd see our S every evening before putting him to bed, even if just an hour each week day.
I like the idea of having the freedom when i get home to do what i want and then still be able to see our S daily.
For now I don't want to think about that day coming though, still have a long way to go.
What up gr8dad?!
How are things going for you?
Just wanted to check in and lend my support as you progress with things.
1gr8dad:
I just want to let you know that I've been keeping my word and praying for you.
I hope you are getting in some serious GAL my friend.
I hope all is well and that you are enjoying the time with the kids when you have them.
Be well my friend. I have thought of you several times and hope all is well.
Are you still with us gr8dad?