Quick backstory: Hubby and I divorced 13ish years ago and remarried 10 years ago. No children. We spent the first 6 yrs. of our new marriage in a sexless, semi-together, mostly arguing state. Then he lost his job. During the two years he was unemployed, he came to see me differently and our marriage thrived. We both lost a bunch of weight, and our sex life returned and was finally what I would call a normal sex life. We were both extremely in love with each other. Then he found a new job which gave him a promotion. He works directly under the owner, manages two buildings and 40ish employees. He works all the time. As the work piled on, the sex died out. I have had a huge chip on my shoulder about that and let myself gain 50 pounds. We haven't had sex in over two years now.
Soooooo, he comes home two days ago and says he loves me but misses the intimacy and is not "in" love with me. He (of course) swears it's not me or the weight and that he's always had intimacy and trust issues (which is true). He says he doesn't think he can ever get back to where we were but wants to be friends.
After the first divorce, I turned to Divorce Busting. Once I began a new life, he realized what he'd done and wanted to get back together. During our separation, we were NOT friends. I was still angry with him and keeping up my walls, and as far as I was concerned once I accepted the relationship was over, I was NEVER going to be his friend. Eventually, I began to see that my walls were keeping me from getting what I ultimately wanted which was marriage to him. He now worries that I will refuse to be a friend and will cut him off from my family (literally the only persons he has left in his family are his elderly father and aunt).
I am trying to reach back to my old days of Dbing and trying to stay calm and collected and unemotional. I have told him that it didn't matter if he had been trying to fall back "in" love with me because I had not been doing the same. I had been waiting on things to miraculously get better. I guess I thought that once he really settled into his new career things would go back to normal.
I probably shouldn't have done this, but I asked him to give us 6 months to actively try to come together before we planned on divorcing. He has agreed but is afraid I am setting myself up for failure.
Any advice would be welcome. The last time I was involved with DBing, I was trying to accept my loss and move on...this time I am trying to hold onto a love I am sure still exists while at the same time trying to get a hold of myself and prepare for what might be inevitable.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Putting post from other thread here
I have told him that it didn't matter if he had been trying to fall back "in" love with me because I had not been doing the same.
I asked him to give us 6 months to actively try to come together before we planned on divorcing.
He has agreed but is afraid I am setting myself up for failure.
So you are not in love?
I am confused at what you are trying to do.
I assume it is to save your marriage.
I might suggest posting in newcomers with your story so
you can read the links and get some support.
Sorry you are back to DB'ing and in a sex starved marriage.
Your answer
I meant that I had not been putting any effort into the relationship. I had just been waiting for everything to be "ok" again.
So can you put effort in now?
Would that be a 180?
I will put in the effort. Just walking around in the dark and trusting things would be ok. Stupid on my part, and I am ready to accept responsibility and move forward.
Thanks for the help!
I swear the worst part of all of this is trying to maintain a casual relationship. I am not necessarily trying to act like nothing is going on, but I'm also just trying to not make such a big deal of things. He is working on 3hours sleep right now. So I am REALLY trying to understand that and not take offense at his lack of communication. But I question EVERYTHING I am doing right now!! Doing the exact same thing I would be doing normally but questioning if that is the RIGHT thing to be doing... And I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to my friends or family because I don't want them to judge him or me or to act weird about it all. Very frustrated right now.
What the hell does "normal" look like?!!!!
At the moment it looks like being able to get up and still go to work despite the pain. From what I read you have already done this once and was successful so nothing is stopping you from doing it again. I'm not a vet and don't feel very confident with advice, just wanted to let you know that you are not on your own.
Thanks for the support. Just venting. And you don't have to be a vet to give good supportive advice. 🙃 It is always nice to know someone is out there
And I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to my friends or family because I don't want them to judge him or me or to act weird about it all.
Use the forum for this, it is unlikely you will get good advice from family and friends anyways.
What do you want "normal" to look like?
Just keep posting and support will appear. Did your behaviors contributed to where the marriage is now? If so, is there a plan to improve yourself? The only thing you can do is improve yourself as a person. It's that simple, it's that hard. Be well
This almost seems to be about your confidence in yourself.
It often isn't our changes that cause us to reduce intimacy, it's the effect it has on confidence.
For instance, weight gain of itself isn't the issue it's the effects of it, the stories we tell ourselves. I have a friend who is larger than life, and gorgeous, sexy and so sassy. At 20 lbs over weight I feel like a frumy dumpy. It's attitude.
Then things start to decline on the intimacy in an R, connection gets lost.
This is about you primarily and finding that spark in you. DB worked for you last time and there are positives there. You say that you are not as detached.
Have you another poster name, as it could be useful to know the journey that was successful for you last time. You can always say no V and I am happy with that.
So what do you think was key to repair of your R?
V
Have you another poster name, as it could be useful to know the journey that was successful for you last time.
This username was made in 2003 and most of her posts have been purged.
I am currently taking stock of my roles in this train wreck. Trying to take some baby steps. For example, I am a teacher and usually sleep late on the weekends. today I got up early with him. I am trying to leave him alone and not be over-eager. So I am sitting with the dogs on the couch talking to you kind folks while he is at the table drinking coffee and reading the news. Hoping he isn't taking this as me trying too hard...
I agree about the confidence issue, Vanilla. It is a vicious cycle. The intimacy started to wane, but I was scared to question why for fear that he would come out and say it was me. Then the weight started comin on. Then the resentment and even more fear. Honestly one of my first thoughts when he said we should separate was that no one else would have me.
He says things like "It's my [his] fault that you never had a baby. I took that away from you." And he seems so sincere. He says, "I am so afraid that you have wasted your life on me. That I have stolen it away." At one point he said, "I think about what do I do when one of the kids [niece/nephew] says 'she has a boyfriend'?" And he seems genuinely distraught.
He has been working a lot lately, and yesterday was the first day he was off in forever. So last night he takes shower, takes a Xanax, and goes to bed at 7pm. My biggest fear this morning was that he would wake up with a clear head and say, " Now I can think clearly, and I really don't want to try this."
He didn't, but then again, he never wants to argue or have a confrontation before going to work. So it may come tonight.
Stay in the here and now. I found no good in playing out the possibilities. Make the most of the present moment.
OMG! He was leaving, and before he left we had a pleasant conversation..initiated by him! And then as he was leaving, he went to kiss me on the forehead but changed and kissed me on the lips instead! And said he loved me!
I know this is a little thing, but yesterday he kissed my forehead and his "I love you" I could tell was forced/reluctant. Today he seemed genuine.
Taking slow deep breaths and praying he has a decent day at work and we can have a nice evening.
You have no control over your H, if he is depressed or musing he may want to compensate with work.
Your confidence is something that can be worked on however.
What are your goals for you?
V
Short list...
Lose weight
Stop panicking
Stop thinking of this and the "what ifs" CONSTANTLY
Yippee for ME! I just got on a treadmill that has been collecting dust for three years!!
Ok, now I have to go lay down and have a heart attack. Or stroke. LOL
I am sooooo out of shape. BUT...the first step is the hardest, right? And today I took that first step!
Yippee for ME! I just got on a treadmill that has been collecting dust for three years!!
Ok, now I have to go lay down and have a heart attack. Or stroke. LOL
I am sooooo out of shape. BUT...the first step is the hardest, right? And today I took that first step!
Great job, keep moving forward for YOU.
trekfan,
If you posted anything between late 1999 and up till now, I may have responded to some of your postings. My former user name was "snodderly". If you don't mind, can you provide your old user name? Maybe I can dig around in the archives as well as my memory bank as to how we assisted you previously.
BTW, I'm very sorry that you had to return, but we have a great group of posters on all of the forums who will be more than happy to post to you and provide you support and/or guidance. I generally post over on the MLC Forum, if you should happen to come over to visit.
First thing...take care of yourself. Congratulations on taking the first step on the treadmill. It will get easier as time marches on.
I think I remember "snooderly".
. There were so many supportive folks on this board back then, and I couldn't resist trying it again. I can't find many of my former posts. I looked at first, because I assumed it was all tied together. I am certain some of it is related. But I want to focus on the time when we were "right" with each other after we got remarried. That was the happiest I have been since we were stupid 25 year olds and thought nothing could come in between us.
The tactics that helped me the most back then were detachment, going dark, and pursuit/distance.
I had a great day today! I am a teacher and spring break is over after tomorrow. So I got a pedi and a haircut, and have tried to relax. Didn't listen to negative music. He does that. He listens to all this "she [censored] and I should leave her" music.
Ok goals we have a start
Can we be more specific
Using who what where how and when ?
It would be good to have them fleshed out a little so they are measurable.
V
Had a decent day with H yesterday. Got up and went out to eat then went for a drive. Stayed light and tried to be happy and laugh.
The other morning, as he was leaving for work, he voluntarily kissed me on the mouth and said he loved me. Last night when I was heading to bed earlier than him, I did the same. This morning as I was leaving for work, I did the same. I am quite sure it is in my head, but I got this feeling that maybe it made him uncomfortable. I will say that he has a big day today and already told me that he had a lot going on in his head with plans for the day. Maybe I am misreading him.
Sooooo ???? Should I keep on as if it were still natural to kiss him (peck, not a real kiss) and say I love you, or should I stop doing that? Part of me says that until he gives me a clear signal that he doesn't want me to do that, I should continue "as if." The other part says I am pushing and should stop.
Vanilla,
I am still kind of shaky on the "goals."
Read the pursuit and distance thread and then choose your 180's, IMHO.
I am having problems finding that thread. Can you help? Thanks!!
Trek
Here is a starter on boundaries, goals and actions
boundaries actions and goals V
Short list...
Lose weight
- how much
- by when?
- how, exercise, xyz diet? Healthy eating? Fasting?
- why to look better, feel less pain in your knees, be healthier
Stop panicking
- what is panic room you?
- how meds? Meditation? IC?
- how will you measure it?
Stop thinking of this and the "what ifs" CONSTANTLY
- what does this mean?
-----------------------
Hint: your goals are expressed negatively so how about the following as if your goals are already achieved
I am healthy at X weight and I,move easily and I lose two pounds a week with 3 exercise sessions / I swim every day/ I have booked a marathon etc.......
And
I am calm in the face of challenges I take 10 mins to calm myself or I meditate every day or I see my IC or.....
Over to you
V
Ok, let me give this more serious thought. I don't want to set too many goals, but I see now how you are pointing out specifics.
Thanks for the help!
Wow! Man, after reading that stuff on The Solo Partner, I feel like an idiot! How pathetic am I? I am see so many of those traits in myself and my actions. Sad, sad, sad.
As far as the techniques in Distance and Pursuit, I am worried that being uninvolved will reflect my past behavior over the last year. I haven't been supportive of his new job requirements and have already been distant from him. This weekend, I really just focused on being positive when engaged with him. I wish I could take some time off of work and get a grip on this...
It's okay to be positive when engaged, but you still maintain some distance for yourself. In other words, you do not go looking for him, asking him a lot of questions, etc. If he seeks you out and wants to talk about things, that's one thing and is not considered pursuit. It is called being a good listener and validating him.
If he pulls away from you and remains distant, do not pursue him by trying to engage him conversations or activities.
Distance and Pursuit are not tactics to win your h back. It is a normal pattern that many of us get into and the only way to break the cycle is by not playing this "game" w/them when they distance themselves from us.