Previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=10&page=1Quick recap for those just tuning in:
Together: 8 years. Known him for 10.
Noticed he was withdrawing sometime in December.
Got a speech about how he wasnt sure he wanted to be with me and was going to tell me when I moved for residency that he wasn't coming with me.
Found out a few days later about OW via an instagram post on his phone. Confronted him, he admitted to it freely. Waffled for a day or so saying he didn't know if he wanted to be with me. Said "when I"m with you, I want to be alone and when I'm alone I want to be with her." I left to stay with friends for a few days, found out he immediately hate OW over to my home. I kicked him out on valentines day. We've essentially been no contact except for him picking up more of his things.
So where am I now:
Well, I got a text from him this AM saying he got a call from our vet to confirm an appointment I have tomorrow with all 4 of my pups.
I didn't respond to it.
For whatever reason, I'm feeling very "done" today. Between him not being there for match day (the single most important day of med school), me going out with friends and remembering what its like to be single and the prospect of having to plan the next 6 years of my life by myself, I just don't see a way back from this. The best way I can describe it is just apathy about everything. At least apathy is better than overwhelming fear, but that'll probably come back at some point. But if I were a betting man, I don't think he's coming back. And I guess maybe I'm getting more Ok with that. I don't really have a choice in the matter.
I'm not sure if this is the beginning of detaching or more a state of learned helplessness but I haven't been crying. I haven't been obsessing over what to text him. I haven't been wondering what he's doing.
The only thing I noticed is that it is interesting that almost like clock work, once a week on the weekend, I get some text about something "business" related. So despite being essentially no contact, I haven't actually gone more than a week without some text from him.
This next week, I have some stuff to do related to my research project and I have a big project due that I havne't been working on all that much. Thursday is my last day of class in med school as I'm on vacation next month. I'm going to try and head home for a much needed escape, just have to see where my reseach project is sitting after Thursday.
And I'll have to make a trip to MI to house hunt, gotta get my realtor here in the loop.
The ball keeps rolling...
Great job, Sparks.
You are getting stronger by the day.
Yeah I got a message from a mutual friend who was playing games with him and could hear OW in the background talking about his days off and blah blah.
And really, I'm just disgusted by the whole thing.
Today at least, it feels a lot like what I imagined feeling "done" would feel like.
Of course, my emotions change on a daily basis. But hearing about him being all happy with OW didn't send me into a tear fit. Instead, my reaction was "she can have him."
If he's going to cheat on me after 8 years when the majority of the relationship was "open." then the chances of him being faithful to anyone is basically none. And, and this is the petty part of me, she deserves to have him do that to her.
Took the pups to the vet and had them remove him as a contact and authorized parent.
Changed all of the pups last name to mine. They're officially only my dogs.
Got word from a mutual friend last night that OW is still all over him .
Still feeling very done this morning. I don't know if it's more detachment or reaching the point where I don't even want him back. Just looking at what he'd have to do to make me ever be comfortable that he isn't going to do this again, I'm not sure he's capable of that. And he certainly isn't willing right now.
So onward I go. At least now I won't have to get texts from him about the dogs. If he wants to contact me, he'll have to find other excuses.
Good for you. Onward and upward for sure.
Great job Sparkls, Just remember you are still on the rollercoaster. So prepare yourself for some more ups and downs. However, having said that, it is good to see how much stronger you are becoming!
My IC keeps saying this to me and I think it fits you and what you are feeling and processing. "Any healthy organism will move away from pain." I believe what he is trying to tell me is that, I cannot hold on forever and as I recover, I will find myself letting the rope slide through my hands.
I hope you are enjoying your day and getting out GALing.
Yeah i dunno. If he came home, I'd probably still give it a shot but I don't see that happening so I'm probably going into self protect mode. I can't fight for the R by myself. There's nothing I can really do anymore. He's off doing who knows what and wants nothing to do with me. So he can go do that and I'll do me.
My IC keeps saying this to me and I think it fits you and what you are feeling and processing. "Any healthy organism will move away from pain." I believe what he is trying to tell me is that, I cannot hold on forever and as I recover, I will find myself letting the rope slide through my hands
I think that's exactly what happens Tim, b/c that's what I think is happening to me. It's not so much a swift drop as it is just loosening more and more. I mean it may be a swift drop, I go back and forth.
I've been hearing alot about "self-preservation mode" this weekend and I think that's what I'm going into right now also, Spark. We can't fight for the R by ourselves but we can try to do what we can until we honestly cant do anymore. Sometimes I feel like I can't do anymore, and then I can. It is a rollercoaster and I must keep reminding you that you're still so early in the process. It's been what, a month? I'm asking you as a friend to please just find it deep within yourself to be patient. Please use this time to reflect on how you can be better for yourself and your next R (with or without H). You are growing everyday Spark, I see it. I wouldn't give up just yet. You guys deserve the good ol' college try.
<3
Month and a half at this point. I don't even know what "college try" means at this point. I'll keep doing what I'm doing but he's not coming around, not talking to me, etc. seems pretty over from where I'm sitting. All is pretty cheese-less.
I hope all is well with you Hope ❤️
Journaling:
Had to spend a lot of time in the car today and was just thinking, non emotionally, about everything that's happened.
I would still like H to come back, but there are a lot of changes that would need to happen.
My dad sent me flowers for getting into residency. And I realized my dad is the only man who has ever sent me flowers. H was never a romantic. I didn't mind, it was one of those things that I accepted as a compromise for being with him.
But as I was driving, I realized just how much compromising I had done. And how little he had. And that would really have to change. I know every relationship is a balancing act, but it was weighted pretty heavily towards him. On D-day he tried to make it seem like he had given up *SO* much to be with me. That he didn't follow his dreams because of me. But that's just not really true. Or if it is, that was entirely his doing. He's said for years he wants to go back to college but has never tried. Things like that.
He blames me for how little he feels he has to show for his life, but that isn't my doing. I would've supported him whatever he wanted to do. And will do so if he ever comes back.
But looking at it objectively, from a point of not hurting and not fear, I don't think he's going to be the kind of guy who's willing to make those changes. It's so much work and he's just shown time and again that when given the choice between what is right and what is easy, he chooses what's easy. I know he's capable of the other choice, that's why I was with him. But he isn't making those kinds of choices right now in his full on wayward state. Maybe when the fog clears, he'll walk out of it.
One of the conversations I had with his aunt a while ago was talking about how much alike the boys in H's family are. His dad chose to walk away from his family. His uncle had the same choice, and spent a really long time figuring out what kind of man he wanted to be. He decided and actively worked on being a family man. H's aunt warned him that he was going to have to make the same decision. To grow up, accept responsibility and hardship and self-sacrifice. Or to not. We know what path he's heading down now...
Only time will tell if that changes.
Sparkls - Like Tim, I'm letting go more and more every day - it seems you've gone a long ways in just the last few days.
I've noticed that driving is a good time to reflect - sometimes better than sitting alone. I used to always play music or something, now it's silence.
You've got your reality staring you right in the face, I think your decision is going to be if he does "walk out of the fog", then what? You've been dragged to the precipice, and given all you can. You can't go any further can you? Really? IMHO it's his turn. I don't know if worrying about supporting him if he ever comes back should even be an issue. It's not him that's given up so much, it's you. You spent 8 years you could have had with somebody who actually cares.
I think you're improving when it's about you. Expect that as you withdraw he's going to start to wonder why. He's going to shoot arrows mixed with valentines. Be ready, and don't fall for any of it.
Keep up the good work, the GAL and detaching. The detaching is amazingly liberating, I can't tell you.
Thanks 13. But I don't think he's going to start shooting valentines. He hasn't reached out to me at all since d-day so I don't think he's even going to realize I'm moving on.
I called realtors today to help me sell this place and find my new one. The ball is going to roll really quickly from here on out.
t-3 months till I start residency.
But you're right. I've literally given all I can. And I've done that my entire life. I've always given all of me to everyone in my life and the net result was I always ended up screwed over. I don't know how to be "selfish" but I think going forward, that's going to be my biggest obstacle. Realizing that I am more important than anyone else to me. Otherwise I'm going to give myself to all of my patients and all that will be left is a shell of a person. And that's not what I want to be. Thats how doctors end up burnt out or committing suicide and I refuse to let that be how my story ends.
Sparkle
I have only been able to catch up a bit with your thread, but I find your comment about learning to be more "selfish" very interesting.
As an outsider looking in, I did get the impression that you were doing everything you could to please ex so that he would stay with you. it seems like you might have put your own beliefs and boundaries on the back shelf so that he would "like" you and stay in the relationship with you.
What is it that you seek in a relationship and partner? Did your ex actually fit what you wanted in a person? Did your relationship (I saw that it was open) meet your needs? You have the right to a partner who is committed only to you both physically and emotionally. Did you feel valued in your relationship?
I think that using this time to evaluate your needs and to make sure that you know how to assert your needs is very insightful and will help you to negotiate a healthy future relationship.
I wasn't so much doing it to "keep" him and make him "like" me.
I did it because I have a very hard time being selfish. Like, I hate calling people because I feel like I"m always bothering them. (ongoing personal struggle, been working on it).
I didn't believe that if I closed the relationship, he would break up with me. I just didn't feel it was "fair" when I was the one who had fooled around in my early twenties and he didn't. Of course now that seems ridiculous. But when I said I couldn't handle the open relationship thing, that was me finally deciding to be selfish. I needed him to be focused on me. ANd his response was to essentially say "Naw, I don't wanna. I"mma keep doing what I"m doing and just not tell you. And opps, now I have feelings or whatever."
I do think I settled for a lot. I didn't ask for him to change. I didn't ask him to go outside his comfort zone to do something for me (like the romance thing, I never asked him to send me flowers.). It wasn't because I thought he would break up with me if I did, I just was more comfortable not getting what I wanted than trying assert my own desires.
My own needs have always taken the backburner in every relationship of my life. Work, school, friends, bf, parents. I'm the person that's always there for everyone else, but will suffer in silence when something's wrong with me.
As far as did I feel valued. I did until maybe a year or two ago. I felt loved. I felt he was proud of me and respected me. I felt secure, that he would be there for me if I needed him. It was one of those where if something was bothering me, he could tell. And wouldn't let it go until he knew I was ok. I don't know when that changed. Subtle changes I suppose.
So what do I need out of a relationship?
I need a partner. Someone to share my life with, not someone who's just along for the ride. The list is a lot longer but I don't need to post it here yet.
It's a struggle. I have been thinking about how in next relationship I don't want to be too demanding or unfair but I also have to make sure that I am being respected and not being taken advantage of. Perhaps it's about not being afraid to voice our needs or our boundaries, but in a respectable way to both parties. Was it a communication issue then?
Or Sometimes it really is about them and us picking the wrong partner.
I thought you did express with him your desire to not have an open relationship? You asked and he did what he wanted anyway. Or am I wrong? If that's the case, what else could you have done?
I did tell him I didn't want it anymore. That I couldn't handle the emotions related to it and everything else that was going on.
We talked about it a lot. And he agreed. To my face. I don't know the time frame from when he said he would stop to when he actually slept with her. He told me that she turned him down twice before caving (as if that matters).
We used to be really good about communicating. Like, never went to bed angry. Would talk through everything.
That changed within the last year or two. He shut down, wouldn't talk to me. Or would just agree with what I said but secretly hate me for it (or so he said on d-day) and then go b*tch to OW about how terrible I treat him. Like, I was a terrible girlfriend because I didn't think we could afford a $150 gaming controller.
My problem was when he agreed to close the relationship, I didn't say he couldn't hang out with OW anymore. I trusted him. I stopped checking his phone, I stopped worrying that he was talking to her. He had said he thought I didn't trust him so I started trying to show him I trusted him more. And I got so wrapped up in my own depression, I didn't even really care. I knew she had feelings for him, but I trusted that he wouldn't let it get out of hand. Boy was I wrong. He completely abused my trust. He didn't even lock his phone or try to hide it from me. Then I noticed him pulling away, kept asking him if we were okay, he would tell me yes. Then he started hanging out with her more. Went with her to look at apartments for her (which I thought was super weird but didn't say anything). Started playing the games we played together with her more and refusing to play with me. I started testing the waters by talking about hte future and he shut down. Thats when I knew there was something going on, but I didn't think he was cheating. And if it had just been sex, I would've been unhappy but it's way more than that. I found cards from her saying that he had told her he loved her, that she was looking forward to their future together etc. But I'm rambling.
End of the day, we used to have a very strong relationship that I was very happy with. Then he started checking out and it all fell apart. I don't believe we were wrong for each other. But my ideas of what was "fair" started to outweigh my own personal discomfort.
Moral of the story: open relationships only work if everyone is on the same page and willing to talk, ad nauseum, about it. I won't do it again. Already told H that on d-day.
Okay question for the masses.
Very shortly here, I have to make my house show-able. Which will involve getting a storage locker to put some of the furniture because the place will look better with a little less crowded.
A large part of this is the spare room that still has boxes and boxes of stuff from when we moved in a year and a half ago.
There's a lot of H's stuff in those boxes still.
I'm trying to figure out what to do. Do I just pack his sh*t up? Do I break NC and make him come do it? Do I give until the last possible minute before pushing the issue? I can pack some of the boxes and just shuffle his stuff into other boxes.
Part of me doesn't want to pack his things. I want him to have to go through our 8 years of stuff together and pick what he wants to keep. I already packed his things once when I kicked him out. I'm second guessing whether that was the right move.
Anyone have any thoughts?
Sparky I think I would just pack it up and move it to the storage locker. Or text and tell him to come pick up his stuff. I think that is the acceptable response. But admittedly if it were me, I would wait till the last minute and just shuffle it to the corner.
Journaling;
Today was a surprisingly good day. Had odd dream about H last night, but then had another dream about random beach stud, so it balanced out.
I spend the day getting the ball rolling: called both my realtors to get my house on the market and some listings for detroit.
I dunno, I feel stronger the last several days. I still am of the mindset that H is probably never coming back. And that [censored], but I'll survive just fine without him.
Tomorrow is my last day of med school classes wise. I've got 2 weeks of stuff right before graduation but I"m basically done. And I spent all day drawing a comic for that last class (it's a humanities class about the use of graphic novels in medicine). It turned out really awesome considering I have very little artistic ability.
Keep on keeping on.
Its good to hear you had a good day Sparkls. I bet they will get more frequent as time goes by. I am having the same feelings you are and it does feel good to not have so much pain and anxiety all the time. I have even been somewhat able to concentrate on work. I am sure there will be bad days ahead of us but we can enjoy the good ones while they are here.
Knew it wouldn't last. Sigh. I want off the ride.
Hope your day has gotten better. Once you get the stress of selling your place and get settled again. You can sort out where you are headed. Nowhere but up from what I see.
Hope your day has gotten better. Once you get the stress of selling your place and get settled again. You can sort out where you are headed. Nowhere but up from what I see.
Yeah just feels like once I get sorted and moved, that means it's over for good, no going back. Like it won't be our home for him to come back to etc.
he// he doesn't even care where I'm going. Hasn't asked.
Yeah the day didn't get any better. I should've know that Id pay for having so many good days.
I just miss H. I was walking 3 of my 4 dogs and forgot to close the back door or it blew open. The last dog got out and was found by someone. His tag still has Hs number on it so he got a call and texted me and told me someone found the dog and just put him back in the house. I replied back 30 minutes later when I got home "I got him". It was read , no reply. Then found out that in addition to defriending me on xbox, he also defriended some of our mutual friends that are more my friends than his. Unreal.
And I got caught up in remember the last time I hugged him (on d-day he gave me a hell of a hug). And I just fell to piecing thinking that that is going to be the last time I touch him.
So all in all, a no good very bad day.
One of many and one of probably many more to come.
Well I think it's pretty much the end for me.
H is now officially telling all of our mutual friends we broke up and he's moving back to Colorado in a few weeks.
I shouldn't be surprised. But when he hadn't changed his address, when he hadn't changed FB status (still hasn't), I thought maybe there was a glimmer of hope that he was second guessing himself, that he still cared and that he didn't really want to do this. Guess I was wrong. That's what I get for having a few good days where I felt strong and ready to move on. Apparently I'm not allowed that.
Seems this is my own personal journal now. :-p
Welp, either I Forgot to close the door or it blew open but the dog got out again. Got 3 texts from H saying the dog got out, the neighbor is going to bring him back to your house (first time he's every called it "Your house". THat hurt. A lot). And she closed the back door that was open.
I took all of their tags and added a label that says my number and covered his and then covered it in clear nail polish. Should be good enough for 2 months until I know my new address.
I spent about 4 hours going through our spare room that was just full of boxes. I can't do it anymore. IT's good enough for now. I was able to go through most of the boxes and set his sh*t aside but I'm not going to pack it up all nicely for him until I absolutely have to. (Like not going to take his clothes out of the closet and pack them). Its just very not okay with me that I have to go through all of our 8 years worth of stuff and he just gets to walk away.
I just want him to come home. To pull his head out of his arse and not just throw away our entire life together. I keep trying to remind myself that packing up his things doesn't mean it's the end. That this isn't my forever. But it all feels very final. Feels like if one of us moves, then any home of a future together is just gone. In cadet's post, it mentions the luxury of time. And time is the one thing I don't have right now. gotta pack, gotta move, gotta make the house show-able so I *can* move.
Is there any hope he'll come back? That we can move forward and rebuild a new relationship? How?
Sparkls, no one knows what's in his head. But, you need to proceed with your plans and don't look back. It's when we move forward and get on with our lives that we become whole again. If WAS has any interest at all, it will probably be when WE can decide if we even care to entertain them. Look ahead Sparkls. You future is so bright, I gotta......You know the rest.
I don't have the ability to really change my plans. I'm being pushed forward, regardless of how 'ready' I am. But I'm trying to find some excitement for it. Occasionally its there, more often not. I'll survive. I always do. But I worry about who I'm going to be on the other side. A large part of me feels like I'm being punished for loving too much or being too comfortable with where I was.
It's been a really long bad day. And I didn't get nearly as much done as I needed to (too many break downs). And sadly, I don't have the luxury of time. I have to get this stuff done no matter how I'm feeling. But I keep falling apart.
I figured I'd update here too.
Had to deal with H more than I'd like as my littlest dog got out of the yard TWICE. He texted me to tell me the neighbor found him and was putting him back in 'your' house (Guess it's not his house anymore for reals). Also had a mutual friend say she talked to him and he told her we're broken up and he's moving back to CO. Sure would be nice for him to actually, you know, have a conversation saying we're breaking up. But that's too adult of a thing to do I guess.
House cleaning is going well. I still haven't figured out what to do with his things. I seperated it out, but haven't boxed it and haven't gotten things that weren't in the way. I'll deal with it when I have to but right now, this works.
It feels good to be productive. I have rough moments (found a momento that used to mean the world to him. a little turtle I got him in mexico, I have a matching one.) but I feel stronger when I'm doing things to propel myself forward.
I'm going to go home to CO for a week or two later this week and while I"m gone my realtor is going to get this place on the market. Its going to be fun. The drive is going to suck as I have to bring all 4 dogs but it is what it is.
So yeah. H is still in his fog, still with OW, still saying he's moving to CO. I'm moving foward, getting everything ready to leave PA for good.
I don't think there's really any hope he's going to come back. I wish I could somehow see a little light at the end of the tunnel so I know what I'm walking towards, But I'm getting more okay with not having that I guess. I can want this all I want but when he's living with OW, nothing I do will ever be right. Seeing the other people on here who's husbands cake eat: its such a double edged sword. Harder for the BS but at least you know he still is waffling. Feels like my H is just done.
We'll see.
I'm the only one who comments on my own thread anymore but oh well.
I think its over. Mutual friend talked to him more and he laid on the blame on me, saying he was only with me because he felt indebted to me. That he was thinking of leaving long before OW, that I've treated him *so* atrociously that he'll never come back, that he is moving to CO with the other woman. More bullshit after more bullshit but he firmly believes that.
I don't know how to combat that . I don't think I can. I'm this horrible person and the only reason he was with me was cause I stuck by him when he went through some bullshit.
It doesn't change what I'm doing really. NC, moving on with my life but that little bit of hope that I had hidden somewhere inside me has just been crush. again.
Hey Sparkls
Sounds like a rough day. I don't think you can "combat" anything. But remember people say a lot of things that they don't necessarily mean - especially when putting it out to other people. It is easier to boast, "talk a big game" to a third party.
If he thinks you treated him atrociously, then that is his perspective, right now, and people's perspectives change. If you are working on you and you detach and treat him well (when possible, I know you don't interact much) then this statement on your behavior does not hold much water.
Keep your head up, he is spewing, if he didn't care then he would be indifferent to you not still spewing.
Thanks. I needed someone to tell me it's not over yet.
Just can't seem to keep the hope up when every day it's something else to keep me down. I just can't seem to win. It all feels very hopeless. I've actually been really solid on my DBing and just have seen no progress. I thought 2 months later, he'd at least have softened a little towards me. But nope. He's running back to Colorado and bring his OW with him.
sparkls I'm sorry for your terrible day,
I am in a similar sitch to you. W left around 2 months ago so I am no expert.
I am finding day by day my hope of her coming back is fading so I know what you are feeling.
On the other hand there is every chance him telling the mutual friend that he left because you treated him badly is just an attempt to make the friend feel sorry for him.
The friend is hardly going to look at him as being a good guy if he said he left you for another women, so he will just be trying to make himself feel better would be my guess.
I know what I've said won't make you feel better but all we can do is keep moving forward looking after ourselves.
Hope your week gets better. Stay strong
Updating: haven't had any contact with H. But the sh*tty mood as continued. Im back home in CO and it's hard. Lots of memories of very good times. I don't know how he's vilified me so much. On d-day, he was talking about how much he wanted "our" daughter to grow up a certain way and yadda. I think for a minute the fog had cleared and I got glimpses of my real H back. But then the fog came back so think I can't see through it.
He's moving 2000 miles away with a mentally unstable woman. And he's made me into this person I'm not.
Today has been really tough. I can't see any hope. And having the long travel to just think didn't help. Just feels like there's no hope left. Once that curtain of fog came down on d-day my H was lost. And I don't see him coming back.
I had hoped that 2 months of basically no interaction with me would've softened him some, but he's harder now than he was when he left. On d-day he was still telling me he loved me. Now, he could not care less.
I thought this trip home was a good idea, get out of town, visit people who love me unconditionally , but there are ghosts everywhere here. Memories of the best times of our lives. And he isn't here, and doesn't want me anymore.
I'm not a vet but I can only offer you big hugs. The situation we are in isn't easy and I remember when people were telling me it will get better I was angry as I wanted the pain to go away straight away. Tust me the pain will gradually fade away and as it has been mentioned here a lot, it's not a race but a marathon. You need to shift back your focus on you. What have you got plan for today? Set yourself some small goals then when you achieve them you will feel happy. This process is one day at a time.
What I have learnt is that I didn't like the person I had became with H and now I'm working hard to improve that person. It's hard because I was used to be in a routine in how I was like. The hard part is breaking free from this and rediscover who I was. If I can do it, so can you.
Have faith in you :-)
Sorry Sparkls. You are the villain so he can justify and ease his own guilt for doing you dirty. Re-writing history remember? No one knows the future. But for right now just let it go and try to move on. Think of your mental health and physical health. This stress is killing us all. Hugs to you.
My DB coach made an interesting point the last time we talked. If your H is still upset, then he is still emotionally connected. Anyone who is truly "done" would be indifferent.
I know we are all cheerleaders here, but patience is really important. It may take him leaving, moving, and falling on his face to realize what he has lost, and that has not happened yet.
Thanks guys.
There's just a lot going on for me right now.
I spent the morning at the cemetery arranging my moms funeral (6 months over due). Having lunch with my dad at our favorite Indian place which will be nice.
I struggle with saying anything to H's family while I"m in town. I'd like to take his mom out for dinner to thank her for all she's done for me, since this is likely to be the last time I ever see her. But that goes against everything DB and if it gets back to him that we did, it'll be seen as me still trying to control him (despite that not being why I'm doing it). It's the little things, like his sister LOVES our dogs. I have them here with me, I know she'd love to see them. But they aren't apart of his life anymore, he walked away from all that and hasn't even asked how they are. I know it's just dogs but he's raised them since pups.
I just didn't anticipate how hard the memories here were going to be. And since everyone here is, you know, an adult, they work during the day so I have more down time than I'd like.
You guys all see me at my worst. I do function fairly well. Go about my day, do adult things, get things done. But it all just feels hollow and hopeless and wrong.
Well, got the text this morning that I've been dreading "when are you available this week so I can get the rest of my things"
Haven't responded as I'm out of town for at least the next 2 weeks. His fault for not getting his things sooner.
But damnit, every day it's something else to strip me of the little hope I had...FML
Sorry you're having a rough morning. I'm starting to understand the expectations part of this situation. I believe you truly have to lower your expectations all the way to the floor. This gives you less a chance of tripping over them. Keep your head up
Some days are awful, and then others are better. Some days we feel hopeful and others... less so.
All I really know is that we need to do everything we can to take care of ourselves, because no matter what, the only person that will definitely be with us, every single day, for the rest of our lives is ourselves.
I'm sorry you're in one of the crummy stretches. Hang in there, Doctor Sparkls. : )
Well I had to respond. And the conversation quickly turned south.
Basically he asked when in the next week he could get his things. I said I was on vacation for at least the next two weeks. He told me he's leaving on the 15th and needs his stuff by then, is there a key or someone who can let him in the house. I said no. He got pissy, asking well then can I mail him a key? I said I wasn't comfortable with that and that if need be he can make a list of whats important and I can maybe ship it. He starts listing furniture and all this other stuff that there's no way can be shipped. Then says " you knew I was leaving soon, why didn't you tell me about this vacation."
My response was to just say I'm sorry our schedules didn't line up. I will be back around the 18th. Let me know what you would like to do.
He then asked about utilities (some are still in his name but I pay them all). He said he would like them out of his name and I said I would do it when I Got time. And his response was "It doesn't have to be right now. You are on vacation, after all."
I didn't respond to that one.
The whole thing just is kicking me when I'm down.
I've alreayd been struggling with all these feelings of hopelessness and this is just the cherry on top.
I'm sure it's over. Nothing I do anymore matters. I've actually DBed pretty well over the last 2 months (even though inside my head has been a hot mess). And it hasn't helped the situation. He's colder than before, more mean.
I don't even know what I do anymore.
For those who actually take the time to read these, thank you. But give it to me straight, is there any hope?
Sparkls IDK if there is any hope. Hope for what is the question, Hope for happiness? There is no doubt you will find happiness. Hope that your happiness will come from WH? Your happiness must come from you, it cannot be reliant on someone else. Hope you will marry, more likely than not you will. Will it be WH, IDK. Please go out and do things that make you happy. I [censored] right now, but the longer and tighter you hold that rope the more it will hurt. He will either realize what he left behind or he won't... But you will be just fine.
You will be happy Sparkls but not with him, at this time. JMHO. You will be doing yourself a disservice emotionally to invest any more time in H. I know it's hard to accept but I think you know deep down its true. You have done all that you could to save it. He is blind to it.
I too am kind of at a crossroads as I don't intend to continue this S with no MC. There is too much life to live for all of us to be mired in limbo with little hope. Why should we accept that?
Sparkls, it seems that most people on these boards see success with DB after a much longer period of time.
I don't think anyone here wants to offer false hope, but IMHO I don't think you will see ANY change until he has moved and started his "new life". Only once you are dark, out of the picture, and he realizes that the the grass is not greener will you see any shift in him.
I think you need to try to help him on his way. You need to diffuse his agitation with contentedness. If he is angry then it is because he still has some feelings towards you.
He wants his stuff, put a smile on your face and say certainly! I will help you as soon as I get back and make sure you can come get all of your things. Then DON'T respond. You gave him an answer and now you ignore him. Call him when you get back from your vacation and say I am home, how can I help you?
Again, not a vet by any means, but it seems like you really need to let him go if you ever want him to come back.
Thanks all.
I had a dream last night where he called OW "My girl" and I punched him in the face and broke his nose :-p good times.
Today, I took my pups for a 2.5hr long walk and at the end am very "f*ck him. I deserve so much better than this." f
It's an up on the rollercoaster. I can't even remember what makes him so great that I would go through this to be with him. I'm fighting because of my sense of commitment not because he was so amazing, but he was mine. And given that he's clearly chosen OW, I don't know why I'm fighting for someone who won't fight for me.
I'm sure it'll change. Him getting his things is going to suck but its gotta be done. He can be pissy if he wants. My life doesn't revolve around his scheduled departure. It's very squarely a him problem.
I hope this feeling lasts for a while. Its so much better than the grief.
I hope your feelings stay the same for awhile too, Sprakls. You really do need a break from the grief you have been living. It is funny that you mention about not being able to think of what was so great about him that you were fighting for. This is the same thing I started focusing on which caused my change of heart. One random day with nothing going on I came home and was preparing dinner. The house was completely silent and the dogs were doing what the dogs do and that is following me from room to room. As I sat to eat I started thinking, wait I am not getting yelled at or demeaned at all. Then started thinking what the last 3 yrs was like... I started thinking especially about the last year, how I was depressed and ashamed my WW would never sleep with me, how when she came home I would remain quiet until I could gage what her mood was, how I cringed when she was in a bad mood which she often was. That thought quickly lead to is that what I want to go back to?? The answer of course was no.
I cannot say my sitch is the same as yours but I think you may be realizing you are not giving up because you do not want to 'lose.' I think I was a little that way too. Whatever you are doing though keep doing it. You DO deserve happiness and if he is a fool not to give it to you, someone will!
Glad to hear your having a better day, and your right you do deserve better. Take care of number one Sparkls. As far as hope goes there is always hope. No one can predict the future.
Guess I'll give a quick update:
I've had a great few days. Really feeling detached from it all, nothing thinking of H or whatever bullsh*t he's doing. It's been lovely. I'm excited to start my future, I've got a lot of big changes coming.
That said, after our last "talk" about him getting his things, he must've been p*ssed off or something because he finally defriended me on FB. I allowed myself an hour or so to be bummed but I'm moving on. I"m annoyed with myself that there's a part of me that still hopes he'll wake up and come back, but I'm not obsessed with it. Its likely due to a mix of really starting to detach and also just fully realizing that it's over and believing he's really not going to come back. After he gets his things, there will be nothing tying us together. No reason for him to ever talk to me again. I guess I'm bummed its so easy for him to walk away from 8 years together.
But that's what I've got to do now. Walk away, hold my head up high, and make my dreams come true. Seems he's officially in my past and not my future.
Your doing good Sparkls. Hang in there, and make those dreams come true!
Wow Sparkls you have improved a lot. There are still going to be dark days but you can do it and in the long run I am betting you end up happier!
Good to hear you are doing so well detaching and focusing on you and your future. Only a fool will want to leave you now.
I look forward to the day I am in your position and have full control of myself and working on my future again. What a refreshing feeling that will be.
Great job Sparkls,
I feel the same way. Detaching and getting through each day is becoming easier. Be strong and continue the start of a new chapter in your life! Seems like many that have posted on your thread are dropping the rope and moving on or getting close to doing that.
You all would not believe the day I had. I don't even believe the day I had.
Recap from previously: I'm out of town till. H wanted the rest of his things before I'd get back in town. I told him he'd have to wait till I was back or I'd ship it to him, he is unhappy about this but I haven't heard from him in a week about it
I get a call this AM from the police in my town saying that a neighbor saw H crawling through the window into my house. They get there, he's inside. He apparently took a cab over to my house, and OW as going to meet him there with a truck to take whatever he felt like he was entitled to. He couldn't wait the 3 days until I got back to PA. So now he's sitting in jail, going to be charged with burglary.
It's mind blowing. Who is this person anymore?!
That is wild! Hope he gets what he deserves!
Checking in with you Sparkls. All I can say is what a downward spiral your H is on and it sounds like OW is adding fuel to a fire burning out of control.
You did the right thing by telling him to wait. You will really need to let him hit rock bottom and it sounds like he is well on his way.
Not sure where you are on your feelings for H anymore, but if you are DBing still, think about how to approach this when you get home. What kind of a reaction would he expect from you? Can you show him a 180 a blow his mind? Be the calm, rationale one, since he is clearly not capable and show him the change in you.
I bet this ridiculous episode and your calm resolve is REALLY going to make him think..."What am I doing?!"
Yeah I'm letting him hit rock bottom but I'm feeling very done. There's always been the talk that when you drop the rope, you'll just know it. I feel like I'm there. I just had my offer on a house in Detroit accepted, I went out on a date with a totally sane non-felon and the changes H would have to make are just so much that I'm not going to wait. If he wants to try and win me back, that's his choice. It'll be hard for him but not impossible.
Im moving on into my new life and my new world, and he's sitting in his (jail). It took him 2 months after we broke up to commit two felonies. That's not someone I'm going to fight for anymore. I already have guys kicking my door down so to speak. I'm done trying to fix him or make excuses for him when he wouldn't do the same for me. And that's very liberating!
How is your new life going on?
Sparkls,
When you get to Detroit we should meet up if you like.
Hey all,
life is going okay. I'm having a down day unfortunately. Still don't know how my life ended up like this, but I'm trying ot make the best of it.
Being back in PA [censored]. I got a subpoena to go testify at H's prelim (likely won't actually have to). A mutual friend has been begging me to call the DA and beg to have charges dropped (as if that was even something I could do).
I don't want him back, but there's still a part of me that wants him to beg to come back, ya know? To realize what a gigantic mistake he made. Guess part of me hoped all the time he'd have to think in jail would make him come to his senses some.
But most of that is just my bad day talking. Had a dream about him last night that he came crawling back and I decided to give him a second chance and we were happy again. I know that's not reality, but it was still a nice dream.
I can't wait to be out of here. I close on my house at the beginning of June. Can I just fastforward a month please? I felt so much better when I wasn't stuck living in "our" place.
A friend of mine had a quote posted on her facebook that's my new guide
"If a person doesn't want to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions, they may try to blame others. DOn't accept blame or try to fix things for them when you've done nothing wrong. They need to learn that if they want different outcomes, they will have to make different choices."
H has constantly made the decision to not respect authority or boundaries and time and again it's gotten him in trouble. He doesn't understand that if he doesn't get the answer he wants, he cant just find a way to circumvent the system. like in this case, he didn't want to wait, so he decided to break in. That's not a normal response to being told to wait. And his consequence is jail time because you don't get to just break into people's houses. And I'm over it. I want to just walk away from all his bullsH*t and start my new life.
30 days.
Good job Sparkls, you are making the right call on him.
If you can get out of testifying, do. You want a clean break and not to add any baggage.
I'm envious of your situation and ability to restart your life in a new city. Good luck!
A man like that is a liability, both to himself and those that try to care for him. You are right not to drop the charges against him.
I can totally empathize about being stuck in a house full of memories. I'm stuck in one for just tonight, and it's no fun at all. I'm sitting in a McDonalds parking lot having some food, rather than sitting in that shell of a house all by myself.
Sparkls,
Good luck in the new city. You have become very strong, and your doing the right things. Please keep us updated.
Sparkls,
Just checking in to see how you are doing?
Hey y'all, been forever! Man does time fly when you work 70 hours a week :-p
Things have been good. All settled into my new house and new job.
Haven't heard from H, and there are mixed feelings there. Still have days where I miss the old us, when I see something and think man he'd love that etc. but moving on one day at a time. Only real update is that he'll have his court date to plead out tomorrow I think ( pled to trespassing, will likely get probation). He legally can't contact me until after that so who knows if I'll magically get something. I can say I have mixed emotions about it all, but it does feel all like a chapter I've closed and I'm just tieding up the loose ends of a story that ended abruptly.
Puppies are doing well. Been an adjustment but I've got a good dog walker and life is chugging along. Hope y'all are doing well. I'll ty and pop in periodically but y know, life happens.
I was sitting here reading through some threads to try and see if I have any advise or insight to offer and I realized how easy it is for something to trigger me.
The idea that the guy I loved for so long was telling someone else he loved her etc still makes my stomach drop. Feels almost like PTSD.
I'm moving on, the metaphorical rope has long since been dropped but man it's hard to rewire the brain after spending 8 years thinking about someone else, only to find I wasn't as important to him as he was to me. And that really [censored].
For those who are new who may be reading this: keep up hope: it's easy to lose it and very hard to get it back. I'm sorry I haven't been around to be able to give y'all more advice, i will one day.
Hey sparkls Good to see you are doing well. I think most of our group has long moved on away from the thread. I do not get on too much anymore because like you said reading through other peoples posts can trigger feelings that I am glad to do without. As far as how long those triggers will last I am guessing after going through something like this they will always be there but will not be that frequent. Just think of the messes we were just months back and we made it through the worst of it. In fact if you are anything like me everyday gets a little easier. I still have down days here and there but not much and not as severe. I hope you are like me in that I am learning to trust again and my significant other has definitely helped with my trust issues.
Best of luck to you and I hope your rotations are going great!!
There's some familiar names. I look forward to reading up on you sparkles and Timr
Hey Tim and TY.
I'm having a particularly hard month (just a lot of bad anniversaries, including the one year for my mom). While my job is incredibly fulfilling and I love it there, when I come home its to a house I live in alone. Thank god for my dogs or I'd just live at the hospital.
I feel like I"m back peddling the last few weeks. I was doing well until I got called by the victims advocate people about his hearing date and plea deal. I guess I had shoved him out of my mind enough to have some semblance of moving on but got sucked right back in.
I've had zero contact since april. Haven't seen him since Feb (aside from court). I'm just struggling with how can it be that easy for him to just walk away and for him to truly not care how I'm doing or how his dogs are doing etc. His new life must be something else. (and I know that's 100% mind reading and projection on my part, my DB is rusty).
I'm glad some people in our group got their happy endings or at least are on their way there.
As much as my logical mind is telling me I'm better off, I can't help but still wish I had been one of them.
Hey Sparkls and Tyler Good to hear from you both.
Sparkls we all have ups and downs. Your sitch is peculiar too bc you moved away and had no contact only to have stuff thrust on you every so often. Naturally, that is going to pull you back into some old feelings. That really [censored] and I am sorry to hear you are dealing with it... along with your professional stresses. But rest assured those feelings will diminish too. Besides work (and I know you do not have a lot of time otherwise) but what are you doing for you, to make you happy?
Sparkls a happy ending will come for you too. You are young, intelligent and beautiful, how could it not. More so, having gone through this you will appreciate it so much more.
Hi Sparkls, I fully agree with Tim: what are you doing to make you happy? You are still young and have your life ahead of you. Don't rush things.
Thanks guys.
Yeah free time is basically limited to eating, bathing, walking the dogs and the occasional Netflix show. When ya work 70-80 hours a week, there's not much time for much else aside from the occasional hang out with friends, who I do also get to see at work all day.
It was just a particularly rough month, got me feeling down on myself again, wondering if I gave up too easily or walked away without fighting for my relationship. But I also know he didn't fight for me at all: I walked away and he never turned around; hasn't asked how I am or how his dogs are. That wayward fog is thick and i was blinded by it; I got out to save myself but I can't help feeling like I gave up on him. Logically I know it's not my responsibility to save him but that's not who I am. I'm a fixer / healer. "Saving myself" isnt in my nature, I have always sacrificed myself for others. And I'm not sure I want to change that. Just gotta find the balance, I'm getting there. Everything with time I suppose
Hey, Miss Sparkls!! I'm glad to see you again. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling, but I think that's absolutely normal. I just try to tell myself that this is a process that I am working through, and that every day brings an incremental bit of healing. There are good weeks and iffy days, but we just need to keep forging ahead. What is important is the genet trend, and you are doing great.
((((((((Sparkls))))))))
So I must be cursed. That's the only conclusion I can come to.
I'm working overnight at the hospital and I get a call from the police. There's a fire at my house. My dogs are all fine.
One of my dogs was trying to get something off the counter and knocked a burner on, which caught a book on fire etc. so now I'm staying in a hotel. My kitchen is Screwed and there's smoke damage throughout the rest of the house. But everyone's okay, dogs are okay.
Just can't catch a break. Sheesh.
Sad thing: one of the thoughts I had: man, his dogs could've died tonight and he would've had no clue. Wtf is wrong with him.
Hello Sparkls, so glad to hear that you are save and your dogs too. Have you moved back home? How is it going for you?
Sadly no. The damage was limited to the kitchen but there was extensive smoke damage, it'll be 3-6 months before im back in the house and 90% of everything I own is trashed. Lovely.
And I'm working 80+hours a week. So ya know, very little sleep.
Welcome to Michigan Sparkls!