I just wanted to thank everyone for the support over the last month or so. I found out today that my WH is a serial cheater. Been doing it the entire time we've been married. I am done. Officially, I no longer have any desire to be with someone like that. So, there is no more need for me to DB for reconciliation. I will continue to DB for me and to be best mom I can be. Hopefully, my boys will be nothing like their father.
I will check in occasionally to see how everyone is doing. You all will still be in my prayers. I sincerely hope you all get the outcomes that are meant to be.
Your help and advice was invaluable to me. I've grown a ton in 8 months and I hope to find happiness. ((Hugs))
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2660919#Post2660919
Oh Broke! I am so sorry.
(((Broke)))
So sorry Hope. You deserve better. Raise them boys the best you know how. Thank you for all you have helped me with. Keep in touch as often as you are okay with. Hugs to you.
You deserved better. I am sorry.
Broke,
Thank you for always being there for me.
You didn't deserve any of this. I hope you continue to work on you and keep on being such a great mom to your boys.
There's a lucky man in your future.
Thornton
We love you. We're always here if you just need to vent!
Keep using the board Broke, use it to vent, to throw out ideas, to keep around positive people and to see reassure yourself there are good men out there that are willing to fight for their families.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, you deserve so much better.
Big hug,
PP
I am so very sorry! That is a horrible betrayal and incredibly hurtful. My heart goes out to you.
Please don't disappear completely.
Oh no. What a horrible thing to discover. I am so sorry this has happened to you and your children.
Please do check in on us here. Your thoughts on my own situation have meant a lot to me, and I'm sure to many others, as well. Take care of yourself.
I'm doubly disgusted when I read this garbage. Once for you, for having to endure such a horrible blow. Once for me again, for being committed and loyal to XW and having her take that for granted and destroy our marriage in search of greener grass.
At my worst moments I hope she ends up with someone like your WAH so she someday regrets throwing away a man like me.
Then I take a breath, forgive myself for my moments of understandably human emotions of anger, refocus on myself, and go back to the work at hand. Please hang in and keep posting. And take care of yourself.
Boy oh Boy
Im so sorry for you.
I hope you can move on from it and find some peace.
Your self and your children should be your focus now, there is happiness to be had from that.
Do drop back in sometimes we have grown to feel for you and we can still be a support for you!
Good Luck.
Broke, I'm so sorry to hear of this development. Look after #1- you! Take care of yourself.
Sorry to hear this, do you best to protect yourself and your children!
I think you still need to be here, DB is about saving yourself, whether your marriage survives or not.
You learn life skills that can be used in other areas of your life.
You do need to keep posting and moving forward, I am sure you are not done since you and him are still alive.
There will be plenty of interactions with him.
That is horrible information to discover Broke. I hear and feel your sadness and pain. The hit to an already open wound must feel unbearable right now. My heart goes out to you and your children. I hope they don't discover this information.
You are a strong woman who has been an inspiration to many people on this board. Hopefully we can return that to you at this very low point in your journey. We'll be here if you feel the need to vent and rant. This is a safe place for you to release some of the negative emotions currently rattling your soul.
I also want to make sure I thank you for your support in my sitch. Thank you!!!! You have made a difference for me. Vaya con dios.
Broke, I'm so sorry for you. I agree with Cadet. I think deep down most of us realise that our M won't be saved but GAL, NC etc help us to detach and rebuild our lives. Throughout this process we need others to support and advise us, to not feel alone. I hope you stick around while you rebuild your life and lets hope good things happen to you in the future.
So sorry to hear Broke. Continue to work on number one "you", and i hope you still come here when you can to let us know how your doing. Remember we are all here for you.
Hey Broke, I am so sorry to read of this my friend. I think you show much wisdom in your postings and it is good that you have come as far as you have. This is a very tough thing to discover - especially with a long M like yours. I can see that it must make the many happy times seem like a lie and I'm sure it will take time to work through your feelings about this.
As for being done - well of course you get to decide. Serial cheating is a deal breaker for many, understandably. It may not be a deal breaker for all. However, I do think it can be tough (from what I read) for serial cheaters to change. There is a need to address what underlies the need to cheat over and over - and normally the underlying factor is difficult to face (perhaps childhood abuse for example... Etc.)
Whether he wants to ask for another chance and whether or not you want to offer one will all unfold in time. However, do please know that this is all about him. A friend of mine (with a much shorter M) recently discovered her H has cheated throughout - even sending inappropriate texts to someone on their wedding night! They have two kids under five and she has just finalised their D, which I can understand. She just had no wish to try and save things, given all she had discovered.
I would encourage you to keep posting and I know from what you post that your growth will continue. Once again, I'm so very sorry and do take care xx
Broke, so sorry to hear this - I didn't check in much yesterday. I'm really going to miss you. I hope you are at peace with your decision - you will find the right person or more to the point - they'll find you.
This is probably the decision most of us are trying to come to grips with. It's been great talking with you and I wish you the very best.
So sorry to hear broke. While life gets a little more challenging, know that you have a place where you can vent and get some support here. Take good care of yourself and do what you can to heal. My wife's 1st husband cheated on her throughout the entire marriage and she then got with me immediately after, not giving herself a chance to heal. I think that plays a part in my current situation. I wish you the best!!
I'm so sorry, please do take care of yourself. You have shown great strength and courage. My prayers are with you.
I'm so sorry Broke, we all have our own journey. Best of Luck
Oh Broke!
Serial cheater? Ugh!
I know you are getting lots of good advice to focus on you and your boys. Spend all of your time, effort and energy on being the best Broke and Mom on the planet.
Please continue to join us here because we want to know how you are doing. It is a safe place to vent. DB strategies are great when it comes to co-parenting.
I'm wishing you all the best!
Cristy
I just wanted to thank everyone for the support over the last month or so. I found out today that my WH is a serial cheater. Been doing it the entire time we've been married. I am done. Officially, I no longer have any desire to be with someone like that. So, there is no more need for me to DB for reconciliation. I will continue to DB for me and to be best mom I can be. Hopefully, my boys will be nothing like their father.
I will check in occasionally to see how everyone is doing. You all will still be in my prayers. I sincerely hope you all get the outcomes that are meant to be.
Your help and advice was invaluable to me. I've grown a ton in 8 months and I hope to find happiness. ((Hugs))
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2660919#Post2660919 Honestly since you've decided that it's really over, that will be freeing for you. You'll start seeing all the flaws in your H that love blinded you to over the years. Make sure to get a good divorce lawyer. Preferably a real shark, female, and a bonafide cheating husband hater. Crush his balls in court. No harm in going scorched earth now. You may actually enjoy it. You have a bright future to look forward to. He doesn't.
Thank you for being so strong and such an inspiration to me broke. You walked with me the entire time i've been here and we were on the same timeline. You are in my prayers.
I just wanted to thank everyone for the support over the last month or so. I found out today that my WH is a serial cheater. Been doing it the entire time we've been married. I am done. Officially, I no longer have any desire to be with someone like that. So, there is no more need for me to DB for reconciliation. I will continue to DB for me and to be best mom I can be. Hopefully, my boys will be nothing like their father.
I will check in occasionally to see how everyone is doing. You all will still be in my prayers. I sincerely hope you all get the outcomes that are meant to be.
Your help and advice was invaluable to me. I've grown a ton in 8 months and I hope to find happiness. ((Hugs))
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2660919#Post2660919 Honestly since you've decided that it's really over, that will be freeing for you. You'll start seeing all the flaws in your H that love blinded you to over the years. Make sure to get a good divorce lawyer. Preferably a real shark, female, and a bonafide cheating husband hater. Crush his balls in court. No harm in going scorched earth now. You may actually enjoy it. You have a bright future to look forward to. He doesn't.
I smiled when I read this and think much of it is spot on. The only thing I'd add is that there is no financial settlement that approaches the value of being able to sleep at night knowing you made righteous decisions to the end.
I want to thank everyone for your supportive posts over the last two days. Finding out about the serial cheating was definitely a huge blow. As I work through the anger and sorrow, as TxHubby put it, it is incredibly freeing to know that I have no desire to ever reconcile with my husband again.
This is a very tough thing to discover - especially with a long M like yours. I can see that it must make the many happy times seem like a lie
This is what I am struggling with now: that my entire 20-year marriage was a lie. And, how was I so stupid that I didn't see it? It started the year after we were married. I had one clue 6 years ago and my H had a plausible explanation. I bought it hook. line and sinker. I feel like a fool and that I wasted more than half my life with him. The betrayal is beyond anything I could've ever imagined. And, I almost feel sorry for the OW now because she has no idea what is coming….because H won't stop. He's been getting away with it for 20 years - why would he?
I feel like I have no business posting on anyone's else's threads now because I obviously have no idea what I am talking about with regards to marriage (since mine has based on nothing but deceit). However, I did want to give an update:
- Thursday, I found out from H's bff that my H was a serial cheater (He just found out that day and called me an hour after he found out). He called me because he knew my H was stringing me along and thought he could get me back whenever he wanted.
- the bff got a call from my H in which the bff told my H that "he was dead to him and to never contact him again". He never told my H that I know what he has done.
- Friday I received 6-8 emails from my H. More communication in that one day than any other day the last 8 months. In them he never specifically asked about reconciling but he suggested a family vacation this summer, thanked me for being pleasant the last two months and that I was a great mom. Obviously, he is now worried that I know he is vile human being and wants to make sure I am still pining away for him. I only answered direct questions about the kids which means I only responded to one of the emails. I ignored the rest. I didn't let him know I knew about his betrayal.
My point being: All the vets on here know what they are talking about. My H knows that I have truly detached (without me even saying a word). He finally realizes that I am done - I have dropped the rope and will never pick it up again. I know it is really hard when you love so one that much to truly stop faking the detaching and to do it for yourself. But, it works. I saw it yesterday.
So, now, I focus on my boys. Try to be as strong a role model as possible. I am absolutely petrified that they will follow the same path as my H. If anyone has any advice on how to help them (especially those with parents who did cheat), I am open? My IC sent me three book suggestions, I am meeting with the kids' counselor on Monday and I have only told my family and 2 best friends about the serial cheating (I hope my boys never have to know anything about any of this except the latest PA).
And, as much as I would like to drag my H through the mud and make him pay for everything he has done, that isn't who I am. With the exception of the three weeks after I found out about the PA, I have handled myself with integrity (even those 3 weeks I never said anything to the kids about their H - just said a lot of choice words to H). I don't really have the vindictive gene. Would I like him to feel the pain he has inflicted on my sons and I someday? Yes - but, I think the only way that happens is if I live a happy and fulfilled life. And, the way that happens for me is to be able to know I tried everything I could to be a loving wife, tired to save a marriage that I didn't know was not worth saving and know that I continued to take the high road during the divorce process. Because I have to co-parent with him and my kids need to see that I handled myself with dignity when their father is as despicable as they come.
It is a little difficult for me right now to read your stories and threads right now because I am heartbroken that my M is not savable. But, I promise I will very soon. Please know that I am still thinking of all of you and I am praying (although I will admit I am having a small crisis with my faith currently). Also know that I know that I am strong. DB'ing for the last 6 weeks has really helped me - I am not sure that I would be able to not tell my H that I know about the serial cheating if it wasn't for me trying to be the best me I could. So, keep doing it. It does work - it is going to help me get through this. And, I know I will - I will get through this and I will be stronger than ever as long as my boys are healthy and happy.
You're an inspiration, Broke.
The way you've handled this latest revelation speaks to your intergrity and strength.
To handle a bombshell like this with such grace definitely encourages me to follow in your foot steps no matter what happens in my sitch.
I can only imagine the feelings you are going through as your process the last 20 years. Rest assured, you will come out of this so much stronger and with the recipe to make your next relationship a wonderful one.
Keep being strong for your boys, they are watching. As long as you can show that life does indeed throw us major curveballs, it doesn't have to destroy us.
You are in fact, a woman only a fool would leave.
Wow Hope. The strength it took to post your update says alot about your character. Please don't sell yourself short on your uplifting advice to others. Your pleasantness is a breath of fresh air and what many need. Come back whenever you feel ready.
You are going to whole again Hope. Your boys will fill you up. Let them. Being a great Mom is also very sexy(as you told me about a great Dad).
Your H will get his. You are a strong person. I would want to make sure my WAS knew that I knew. I would want answers. You deserve them. But if that is not your feelings, right now, just know that we all have grown very fond of you. See you when you come back and please try to enjoy some basketball.
Thornton and Daybyday - as always thanks for the support.
I would want to make sure my WAS knew that I knew. I would want answers. You deserve them.
Daybyday - no reason to talk to him about it….there are no answers for what he did. H is a manipulative and controlling person and he would try to justify what he did. And there is no justification for cheating on the wife of your children (or any spouse for that matter) especially over the course of 20 years. Maybe in time I will be able to feel some compassion for him because he is obviously a very empty person and he's filling himself up with the wrong things. But, right now, I just feel disgusted and repulsed.
See you when you come back and please try to enjoy some basketball.
I am watching my beloved Hoosiers right now….
Good for you Hope. I think we are all disgusted and repulsed. You are right. There are no answers. H will have to live with what he will be destroying. I feel sorry for his later R. Go Butler!
Daybyday - no reason to talk to him about it….there are no answers for what he did. H is a manipulative and controlling person and he would try to justify what he did.
I am watching my beloved Hoosiers right now….
Broke - it's hard enough to not be disgusted and repulsed with a single indiscretion. But when it's a way of life (20 years worth?!?!?) - well I'm just sorry you got involved in it. Take the kids and go in the opposite direction - which is
up!I wish that creep knew what he really had a chance for, and let it slip through his fingers. It will dawn on him someday.
Everyone here knows that somebody, somebody truly decent is going to appreciate you for the amazing person you are. And he'll love your kids just as much. I hope I'm lucky enough some day to find somebody as dedicated as you.
In the future though - make sure you don't trip when you're stepping over that jerk when he's laying in the gutter.
Your Hoosiers aren't going to let you down or lie to you - win or lose you can accept them for who they are. You always know where they stand!
Broke,
I am so sorry that you have had this in your life. Its hard enough to find out he cheated, but for that long? There is seriously some sort of mental issue to make someone that smug in their wrongness.
You are an amazingly strong woman (I know you said you know this, but nothing wrong with hearing it again) and have been getting stronger as you've been on these boards. Please keep your story going on here...you have been an inspiration to many with your kind support and intelligent insight. I am cheering you and your sons on as you move forward with a new life.
I'm also cheering my B-Ball team...GO ZAGS!
Hi Broke,
I haven't been keeping up on the forum but I am so sorry to hear about your latest development.
I agree with the other dbers that you have shown much strength and compassion in the way you've handled yourself and in the way you've reached out to others.
You are so much better than what your H deserve and he may be starting to realise this. Whatever your final decisions are, i know you will come out with your head high and smelling likes roses.
What Cadet said is true, you can still stay on the boards as dbing is not just for R, it is a very good way to live (most of) life. I am D but I find myself coming back here because I still find myself drawing strength from the dbers here. I hope that you will be able to draw comfort from wherever you are and whatever you do.
Lots of love and hugs,
Grlonfr/ Katniss
Broke,
So sorry to hear your news. You have always struck me as a strong, loving woman, and I'd think any real man would be lucky as hell to earn your attention. I know you're going to do your best to help yourself, and your boys, to make all of you the best you can be.
Please visit us when you can and swap stories...
All the best to you and your kids...
Broke,
You are beautiful and I am so inspired by your grace and dignity. The new light you've acquired because of DBing and your faith will now shine even brighter. Your compassion and strength is a gift from God that you've used exactly as he intended.
Please keep your faith walk as this has been a time for testing for all of us. And though I have also come into a slight faith crisis myself, I do know that He orders our steps and knows the plans He has for us, to prosper us. That's hard to comprehend when you're in the thick of it and not getting what you want but you are a testimony to all. You are the epitome of beauty, grace and strength and indeed a woman only a fool would leave.
Broke, what an inspiration you are. I sure hope you will continue to stop by, and post when you can, and like said so many times before you are a woman only a fool would leave.
Broke,
I'm very sorry that you had to learn the ugly news about your H. Please, if you haven't already done so, get yourself check out for STDs. I know it's not something you want to think about, but you don't know and your health is very important to you and your family.
As for your marriage being over, yes, it most likely is from what you've posted, but that doesn't mean you stop DBing. DBing is all about saving you and helping you navigate life and you will be able to use what you've learned here in the real world w/others.
Broke, no matter what happens, you are a success story. You fought the battle, you acted w/dignity and grace and yes, you have even been here to help others along the way. Never think for one minute that you can't help others while going through a divorce, because you can. You can see things that others can't when they post, so please continue to post. You are going to need support during the preparation for divorce and yes, even after you divorce. Why? Because it's still a shock to you and there many here who will be more than happy to help you along the way.
Broke, the next chapter of your Life's Book is waiting to be written. As Scarlett once said "tomorrow is another day" and she was so right about that. You are going to be fine, but you need to get through the bumps and ruts in the road to the other side of the finish line. Once you are there, you'll discover how much the weight is lifted once things are finalized. But, I'm getting ahead of your next chapter.
Please take care of yourself.