I really am mentally and physically exhausted.
I'm jealous that the OW is having all the things I wanted him to do with me.
I'm tired of crying, tired of being lonely. I'm tired of feeling like I am wasting my life away secretly hoping he will change in time.
I have been separated almost 3 months and he is moved in with her, in love, taking her on vacations and now fully ignoring me even about the kids, spending all this money, buying new toys. Can you have a mid life crisis at 26.
What is the point anymore of being nice to him? I mean I'm working on me and the kids. I got another job offer today, I'm trying my best to get ready for the divorce.
Right now I Just need advice on how to let go. How do I drop the rope? How do I kill all desire to be with him? How do I move on and get the divorce? How do I really give up?
I need to. I want to. I'm trying to force myself to, but I don't know HOW.
Knowing him I will have to be the one to walk away and file. I will have to make all the hard decisions alone while he has his dream life in his bubble.
I really wish I could tell you Red. You will know when you are ready. I think with each new hurt that rope slips a little more from your hands and the entire way through. Then you will look down and see nothing and wander "what am I holding on too?" I wish I could help you more than that but I am sorry dear I cannot. Please stay strong and congratulations on the job offer!
One more thing... What a POS for ignoring your texts about the kids! That really makes me angry considering how much I WANT to be with my kids!
Previous Thread:
Rednail: idfk
Can't tell you how to drop the rope as I haven't fully yet but each day gets easier. The pain slowly fades away as you carry on with your everyday life. I'm not fully happy, although I'm better than a year ago.
I now really believe that time is a healer. Look after you as you are the most important person right now.
I wish I could be with STBXH and do the thing he does with OW, but I ain't and the only pesto that is hurting is me not HIM or HER. Take the focus of them to you.
Red,
Breath, cry, breath again and cry again. There is no other way to get away from the pain you are feeling right now.
Dropping the rope is something a lot of us would like to do but the reality is that it does not happen so easy. When you married this man, you made some commitment to that R, you vows then your kids.
For some volatile people these means little, but for most of us here in this board it means what we live for. Actually, that is the reason we are here. Because our values are much stronger then what we think.
These events are not the ones that will make you to drop the rope. It is what you do with your life that will make you to get to that point that you do not need him... you just want him.
I wonder if you were a soldier and the first battle you leave with a lot of scratches and then decide do not stand up the next day and fight the war.
I am not talking bull here. Been there, done that. I saw my XH with his A getting out of a cheap hotel, I did my own divorce. Up to this day I had my XH asking for forgiveness and saying he was so wrong, he is no longer in his A, he tells me he is lonely and needs to work on himself because he knows he messed up big time.
You see Red, live happens... it is alive, it moves, it transforms. What was yesterday, may not be today. I know you are in desperation mode. I also did that. I wanted to kill the whole world. I felt jealous... just like you.
But it has been a lesson for me. I have been learning a lot about myself, R, M and how to be a great woman.
Time is going by and I have no shame to say that my door is still open to my idiot XH. Why? Because I love him until I do not love him anymore.
If it happen, then I will know, until then I won't try to forget him, it does not work, it just disturb you.
Let your mind, body and soul feel the pain, wash that out of your system in the next few days. Don't rush the process, let yourself be sad for a bit.
In the meantime do not let go on all your hard work. Keep doing all the stuff you are doing.
Remember that you can do it. Be stronger now because you have to do something and be weak later when you have a chance to be with yourself.
I don't know if you ever checked TO324 story. I really love her story. She walked in hell Red, but her hard work paid back.
Don't blow everything up. Feel your pain and use it to fuel the warrior that is inside of you. Why to give it all easy for them. Be better then that scum bag.
They may have a blast right now, but they need to look at each other at some point and know that they did what they did. You may not see it now. You think they are there having so much fun, but it could easily be that now is the start of the end.
Be Red, you feel like crap today, but tomorrow is yet another day.
(((((((((((((((((RED)))))))))))))))))))))
Pink
Red,
I feel exactly the same. Would love to know how to flip a switch or take a magic pill to move forward and drop the rope. But I think it's just time. Or that's what I've heard :-).
Keep doing what you are doing. Stay the course. You are doing so well!
Congrats on the job offer!
I once heard someone say that they considered their ex dead. They grieved for the loss, the pain, and the situation, but then let it go to rest. It kind of makes sense as that person you are grieving over, is no longer around. He or she is gone. I will pray for you and your journey wherever it takes you. Hugs and love Red!!
I love Pink's explanation. I really have nothing to add to that except I am praying for strength for you Red. Time will heal us.
Red,
so many of us here feel your pain. I too thought MLC, but as I've learned here - an A can cause very similar symptoms. Is my W having a MLC at almost 60? Yes, because they feel like kids again. She's doing things I wish she had done for me - or with me. I was never, ever on her about her weight or her looks. She was perfect in my eyes.
Like Tim, what really ticks me off is ignoring his own kids. He's gone from morally bankrupt to just destructive. I'm so very sorry for your children.
We were never able to have children - and I can't even start to imagine having wanted them so badly abandoning them.
I'd love to say it gets better with time, but only being 2 months into it I can vouch it gets worse.
I've added a lot of people to my prayer list since coming here, and you're on it now as well - and your lovely children.
Think about you - and think about your children.
I once heard someone say that they considered their ex dead. They grieved for the loss, the pain, and the situation, but then let it go to rest. It kind of makes sense as that person you are grieving over, is no longer around. He or she is gone. I will pray for you and your journey wherever it takes you. Hugs and love Red!!
This is so true - my W is a different person. She just flicked a switch and "bang" the moment she filed for D, it was as if she murdered the woman I married. One day she was there, the next gone. I got her legal response yesterday, and I didn't recognize the person writing. It was so bizarre. I've lost a lot of friends in the past few years, and now another. My best friend in the world.
Is there a chance of resurrection? In some cases yes. In some cases, no. But you can't wait around hoping for miracles. You've got to move on for you and your kids. You are blessed to have them, and they you.
We're all pulling for you Red. You can do it, and
thrive.
Thank you guys for always bringing me up. I was having a very hard day. I need to stop snooping and trying to figure out what they Are doing.
He FINALLY asked about the kids but it was annoying more then anything. Give the babies a hug for me. I said ok One hour later.
How are they? One hour later. I said they are good little busy bees.
They are 3&5 they are always on the go.
An hour later..What did They do today?
I just ignored that One. I feel like he has to hide that he talks to me even if it is about the kids and sometimes lately he just will ignore or say nothing. Plus I didn't know how to answer what they did without him knowing my whole day of what I did.
I know I need to keep it together, not blow up and snap.
Thank you guys for always keeping me grounded while everyone around me tells me everyday that I'm an idiot for not leaving already.
My one friend calls me garlic bread to ne cute because I'm the ultimate side dish.
I ended up going out laat night. Applebees half off apps and 2 for 1 drinks. It was nice and relaxing with my sister and her friends.
Today is going to be my hard day. First 2 days without my kids. The longest he has ever had them is like 1-3pm until 10-2pm maybe 24 hours.
Today I have no idea when he is back from his getaway but he will get them today until Monday afternoon.
Today they will spend the night at his parents with him( that means they will feed them, bathe them, put them to bed while he watches tv since that how it always is.) Then he has fishing plans so nana will wake up, feed them, babysit all morning while he is gone.
My plans are today: bachelorette party at my moms. Dinner plans with a girlfriend. Sunday breakfast meeting with a boss, friend day date, maybe night plans
Hi Red,
I have been catching up on your situation. I love the comment about the Garlic Bread. I have to use that one
As for your situation it is complicated. IMHO. You 2 do not have a long history of good/bad to reminisce in those quiet moments alone of sanity.
He has shut the door on you and when a man moves out he really does not value what he is leaving behind. Those text messages about the kids and any act of kindness he may show are just that. Kindness to justify his actions. For him to feel good about himself.
You both have had children at a very early age and the MLC you refer to at that age is called Matureness and Responsability Acceptness. You are the anchor keeping his feet on the ground when he wants to be Peter Pan. You are fighting a losing battle. Let go.
For us more "mature" guys we value a strong woman who tells it like it is and with whom we can share our lives with. In other words someone who has our back. Your H is not at that stage yet. He is still growing up and needs that moment of independance to take the next step. With the way things are going it will not be for a long time.
The question is are you prepared wait? Is it worth waiting? Do you want someone who when faced with adversities will dig out or dig in?
I think (and I know it is not what is preached here) that you should call it a day in your head. Start living your life. Treat your R as it really is. Over.
Work on any issues and faults you may have discovered about yourself but sure as hell make sure he works damn hard on his if he ever comes knocking on your door.
Sometimes you will read about being the best you can be, bla bla bla and sometimes yes you do have faults but enough to be called out on a M? Sometimes we have to accept whatever faults we may have the issue is with the enemy and they have to work on it not us.
Coming to this site has made me see I have issues to deal with relationship wise and has helped me to understand relations and their dynamics. It has helped me to understand that many times I was not a goody boy as often as I thought and so I decided to change. But it also opened my eyes as to who was infront of me. A human being with feelings, faults, virtues, etc. We sometimes look at our partners as an extension, like a car, an appliance and take it for granted.
Once I saw my W as a person and treated her like a woman (not a wife) I began to see my W again. She began to confide in me.
It also (and here is where I am getting at) made me see her faults as faults and with the help here learn how to address them. Differently than before. I had to let go to get her back. I had to throw her stuff out of the MBR for her to put my things in. I had to tell her to leave for her to want to stay. I had to close the door of the MBR for her to knock to come in.
I had to start GAL for her to want to be in mine. All of this was through working on myself to accept that whatever I did I had to do for me and accept that there were no assurances.
She practically hated me at first and whilst she doesnt love me like in the movies as we are still piecing all her plans are together and sometimes she says she misses me when i am away.
As you can see Red you need to cut ties, focus on yourself, not on being a geater mother. If you like gardening, sometimes because you have more time, pouring more water or focusing more on the plants does not make them grow faster. Everything needs its own time. You need time to heal, he needs time to grow.
What you have to ask yourself is what are you going to be doing in the meantime?
Peace
Max
Red
My take is very different on this, and I am very proud of you.
I think your subconscious is being very clever indeed, it has absorbed the concept of spell breaker and is giving you small intermittent spell breaks when it feels safe. That is when you have support.
- I doubt if it is any surprise that WH is living with OW, despite his gaslighting and smoke and mirrors.
- you know WH sacked you as his W
- any shock that those having PAs have trysts?
- your WH treatment of you goes back to the start of your R
- you recognise sweet cycles
- OW is pond scum and very nasty
- WH will eventually complete the cycle of Limmerance, devaluation and discard with OW and move on to OW2 or try to recycle you
- this is Intel not snooping ok? Snooping would be digging researching to find the hotel, time of arrival, what they had for dinner, how many times they picked each other's noses. This is proof for your L that WH is in an A, you have a witness and heresay from the stall replacement. All good INTEL.
----------------------------------------
Yet a further way to detatch.
So well done to Reds subconscious, for the reality check.
Now if you want you can truth dart!
Excellent
V
Hi Red,
I agree on the comments from V about the generics but have a different take on what is intel and what is snooping.
I believe INTEL is finding out if an EAPA exists. Snooping is finding out the interactions.
The core difference is in one you dont want to believe it is happening whilst in the other you want them to prove you right.
Snooping or even thinking about what they are doing is very destructive unless it involves the welfare of the children or finances.
Peace
Max
Hey guys. Today was awful.. I had him "accidentally" leave the hotel room card in his car so when I put the car seats in his car I saw it.
200$ a night resort 3 hours away, gorgeous..I cried in the bathroom. He never knew I pulled it together.
He was extra loving today. I told him to stop touching me and leave me alone. He wanted to hug and love me and I really just want nothing from him.
I told him to back off. It was really annoying.
I think I agree Max.
I was bitchy today. I truth darted probably wrong but I did One.
He asked if I was going yo drive by and check the house. I told him why would I know exactly what the f you are doing.
I wasnt mean or anything just lots of stay offof me.
Red,
Whatever action he has towards to you with kindness and love will be for him not you. He must ease his conscience.
I will for the life of me never understand partners who continue to have tender moments knowing full well they are with a full blown WS. I know they think they can love them back but in all honesty they dont.
Right after will come the erratic behaviour when they have to find an excuse to justify leaving the S and will go for a confrontation to make you look the bad guy.
The more you give in to his whims the lower his respect of you and the more you will be his pillow when he has a bad moment with OW. Which he will.
As for truth darts I would be weary when to use them. I use them when someone tries arrogantly to step over a line and needs a gentle shove back into reality.
Think that everytime he touches, hugs or tries to kiss you he has done that to someone else recently and will do so again soon after. If after that you still give in, know that he has left respect for you than you do.
Peace
Max
Hi Red,
So sorry - I hate to see that. You seemed so up, and just 8 hours later it all seems to go in the dumper.
I don't know why these things (room key) almost seem to come and fly into one's face out of the clear blue right when things seem to be turning around.
There must be a reason.
My one friend calls me garlic bread to be cute because I'm the ultimate side dish.
Hmm, you could break that down to mean lots of things. Garlic: spicy, hot, good for your heart, wards off vampires? Butter: rich, creamy, smooth, mild, good with everything. Bread: Hot, crispy, soft, fluffy, chewy, filling, staff of life.
Of course with good garlic bread, the main course usually winds up being the side dish, doesn't it? And, everybody likes
I know that my W has gotten a room at the Hard Rock hotel in Palm Springs before she goes off to her High School reunion get-together in AZ. They're all staying in a house together, but she probably couldn't stand the thought and got a room so they could have a little together time before they went and pretended they were only friends.
She's almost 60, and going to the Hard Rock hotel. That in and of itself is pretty darned sad.
I dare say although they seem happy, and are doing things we wish they would do with us, both my W and your H are miserable, sad, pathetic creatures. I choose to believe that every action they take to think they're having fun takes them further into the bowels of a great, disgusting toilet.
Perhaps as she's there she'll suddenly realize she's not 24. She doesn't know any of the groups, and the loud music and tequila will give her a pounding headache. May she go back to her rock-themed room and vomit all night.
You try to have a great Sunday, and ignore those fancy-hotel room keys life throws up at you. They only open up misery for everyone.
You and your darling kids can travel wherever you like in the game of your choosing. Anybody can be your companions and room service is free.
Thank you guys for the kind words. It makes me smile coming and reading what you all wrote.
Confession time
I had too much fun on saturday night..that I'm regretting today.
Long story short I ended up hanging out with my H at 1:30-2 am in my inlaws garage extremely tipsy start bike week and I may have tried to throw myself at him at the time. He did not do anything with sex but just wanted to cuddle and hug.
I woke up this morning hoping it was a mistake and that I was dreaming it.
Nope he brought it up today saying if I needed to comeover for anything i can't come looking for something. No offense.
I thought I hit rock bottom but I think rock bottom was last night.
Why did I go over to be with him at 1:30am. Wtf is wrong with me. I feel like the last few days I went into a downward spiral.
I just said idk what you are talking about and let it go. I'm going to pretend it didnt happen.
The only good thing about hitting rock bottom is there is no where but up now.
I honestly have no idea what happened that night..horribledecisiona.
Don't beat yourself up Reds. Know that it was a screw up, alcohol induced, learn from it ie don't drink around H and get back to DBing. We all have slip ups. I let WW pull me into arguments for her to validate her leaving and me being mean. We all do it we are only human in an extremely intense situation. So just let it go and get back to DBing.
I am Tim. I really am.
I almost feel like I needed to hit the bottom. Like REALLY have it as my wakeup call that I need to wakeup.
I wokeup today, went to the gym, used a personal trainer, went to breakfast with a friend, now relaxing at her house until I go home.
I feel good today.
No more drinking and talking on the phone. No more nothing. I feel like it was a test anyways to see hey will my wife still show up at 1:30 if I tell her too because I want to see her shirt? Answer was yes. Will it happened again NO.
I'm NOT his wife. I need to remind myself this.
I'm the mother of the kids and nothing more.
I'm ready to redo my room today. I am excited.
I'm going to see my friend later. It will be a good day. It will be.
Remember when we were talking about H not being very lovable? I'm sure we could add a few more words to that description at this point. Right now he is just dulling your shine. It's time to drop the rope and move forward, whatever that may look like.
Maximus highlighted something that I had to do as well. I really had to let go of my W. Let go with no expectations of the MR ever returning. Besides, I didn't want that MR at all. When you become free from the pressure of reactions and expectations, it is so so so so so so so liberating. Being the bellhop for your H and falling into his traps is not going to get you anywhere. Further, if you never, ever end up back with your H, would you want another one playing the same game?
This is why we have told you to work on YOU for the benefit of YOU. Work on those faults that you can find, improve the things you are proud of, and add to the whole mix what will make you stand out. Reinvent yourself in the image you want. You've already got one hell of a start. You are vibrant, exciting, intelligent, and insightful. People here love and respond to you. Keep going, Red. Your corner is cheering.
Squiggy you are one of my favorites on here.
Yes I am working on me for me.
I think after the other night I did very well today.
Nothing he did or said effected me. He tried, he did little things that usually would have me thinking non stop or snappy or upset. Nothing at ALL BOTHERED ME.
Red, can you give me some?
Meaning some of the ability to not let any of what he does/says bother you.
Sparkls I'm sending you some mental strength blocking power lol.
I'm going to workout again and then spend time with the kids. I think REALLY working out is helping burn off some anger.
Good for you, Red. You made a mistake and you learned from it! We all have those slip-ups, but you are right back on track. Keep it up!
Thank you brooke. I am sad having to go back into limited contact mode. To many calls and texts from morning to in the middle of the night from him that have nothing to do with the kids, he just wasnt with the OW. Back to kid only interactions!
I am glad you figured that out on your own, Red. That is a big help to DB'ing for yourself. You are too great a person to let yourself be controlled by him anymore. You are doing great - it is still really early since you found out about OW. Stay strong for you (and your kids).
Hi Red,
There are many reasons why he is sending messages but I would go for checking up on you.
WH hate it when the LBW moves on or finds someone else to occupy her time. They will view it as a betrayal.
I would suggest to keep on ignoring his messages about anything other than the D.
Anytime you give in you only reset the clock. What happens when he goes dark because he is again with OW?
Dont let him use you as a kleenex.
Peace
Max
Max,
That makes sense. HE was with the kids at home for 2 days which means no OW and no me. He went dark again today since he went to the OW house as he is on vacation.
I do not want to be a kleenex.
All he got from me today after he left was S3 went to dr, has an ear infection and is on meds for 10 days.
S3 told him he did not feel good the FRIST day he had him but it took until mommy came home for him to go to the dr.
He was crying about it when the H left so he knew I was going to the dr.
I'm doing great tonight I feel, working my butt off and cleaning house.
Good to hear Red,
One word of advice, I always found GAL and detaching was more effective on the outside of the house than inside.
Peace
Max
Max, yeah inside the house tonight after home all day with sick babies my mind started to betray me and want to just think about what they were doing when I'm trying to sleep.
Does anyone have advice on how to not think about that stuff until 2-3 am?. I was thinking of putting on headphones in one ear and sleeping listening to music but then I worry I wont hear the kids =/.
Hi Rednail,
Have you tried aromatherapy? Warm baths and warm milk? Soothing music and a pre-bedtime routine?
Works for kid and me.
Goals for the week:
-Exercise everyday
-Eat 2-3x everyday( sometimes its only 1)
-Do something different everyday- watch a new show, try a new hobby, go to a new park, try new exercises etc try to add variety to my life.
-NC unless about the kids which mostly this week might be my sick s3
-apply for cna nursing board test. I start my one secret from H job today!
-BOUNDARIES. BOUNDARIES. BOUNDARIES. I am my worst enemy. I think my do not touch me boundary lasted the longest 5 days. Wednesday I got a quick hug while he was holding the kids and Thursday I got a fist bump I was okay with that. Saturday I had him touching me non stop to the point we were wrestling on the bed because he wanted to see a tattoo I have (I DO NOT HAVE ONE BUT HE IS CONVINCED) on my ribcage or hip. He heard I did and is determined to find it. My only ones on my foot. Then saturday morning at 1:30 am-2 am we just hugged probably the whole time. That was my come over on my way home because he wanted to see my shirt but we just hungout inside the garage with him hugging me and cuddly. That was my rock bottom, wtf am I doing..I can't talk to him while I'm tipsy because I'm not a drinker AT ALL so I guess I just get super loving and touchy.Then sunday about 8 hugs he gave me when he left. It is my own fault because I let him because I just miss hugging-touching him but I have to make it stop again and REALLY make it stop for my sanity.
-Stop putting myself down. One of my guy friends got all emotional talking to me. He said it makes him so sad to see that I have no value in myself because my H has no value in me and that I see myself as worthless. It was true. He also said I have ugly duck syndrome where I think I'm ehh or ugly but I'm really gorgeous. I have tons of people telling me I'm gorgeous or so pretty but I do not see it. I'm working on it. I do feel like discarded garbage even with all these guys chasing me and trying to date me.
I feel detached from H sometimes and then I'll just wonder what they are doing. On a date? Watching tv? Does he have a house key? What does he do when she is in school? It doesn't make me sad to think about it really just annoyed and nosey.
DAY 1 of my under the table job for my old boss AKA THE OW EX MOTHER IN LAW..who is also my H's EX best friends mom. Mmmmmmmm.
Jksd- aromatherapy no but I should! I have a lot of nice scented candles, I'll have to look it up and see what I can get for that.
I have never actually tried warm milk before but I will try that today. My kids have a good before bed routine. I should give myself one. That is a great suggestion. I figured I was too old for one.
[Quote/ jujub]Let's work with what we know. Our husbands are very selfish men. If they want something, what they want will take 1st priority no matter who is hurt (primarily kids). Like you said, if he wanted that party to happen it would happen. I bet if it was about him saving money on taxes, he would be repeatedly phoning and texting and coming by to get your response. Who knows why he brought it up.
Fake it till you make it.
Do not call back and ask him anything. It will show your attachment. Forget he even wrote to you.
We both need to detach. Let's do it together.
Remember. We are not winning back these great prizes of a husband. Would you ever knowingly date a man that left his wife and small child for OW? You would probably be instantly turned off by him. So why are you attached to this one?
Would I go for a single parent that is devoted to their child and volunteers with children that have special needs? That person is truly a prize.
We need to look at the reality of who they are. We are the ones in a fog.[/quote]
Jujub wrote this on someone stitch and it was VERY eye opening to me.
I'M in a fog just as much as my H IS..and normally I would be turned off and disgusted by the man. Oh man.
If nothing else then at least this happened while you're still so young. Your husband isn't a man, not yet. He's still a child and behaving like one. I wonder if he didn't/doesn't have a strong male role model in his life?
If this is the end then take comfort that your life isn't even 1/3 over yet. You're so young. You will move on and you will have a great life. If nothing else, you got your wonderful kids out of this marriage. You'll never be alone. You and the kiddos can make plans to move forward into a great new adventure.
Letting go involves you very actively making plans for you and the kids post-marriage. Envisioning that life, listing out all the things you need to accomplish, and start working on them. Don't worry at all about what he has to say about anything. He wanted off your team and you only share your plans with your team.
Protect yourself legally. Talk with a lawyer. In fact, if you can afford it, do an initial consultation with the top 3-5 divorce lawyers in your area. If you do that then your H can't use them.
Focus your thoughts. Don't let them wander back to sadness and despair of what you're losing. When you put it in perspective you're detaching from an immoral person of low character. That's not a bad thing. When you find yourself lamenting the loss of the R then refocus right away. Get up and clean the house or play with the kids. DO NOT allow yourself to wallow in pity, sadness, despair. Those are all negative emotions that will drag you down. Exercise. Go for walks with the kiddos, whatever. Do something. Move and sweat. That releases endorphins that fight off depression and sadness.
You're going to be fine. Put it this way, if my wife had done what she did when I was only 24 I would have divorced her as quickly as possible, moved on, and never looked back. You're going to have a great life. Start having it right now.
Hi Rednail,
I second what tx said. You're young and you have a great life ahead of you. You know that should you ever be free again, there will be no lack of suitors and opportunities.
So right now, you're standing for your M because you want to, not because you have to. This makes you a really strong woman cuz walking would have been the easier thing to do.
Every time you feel down, remember this and be convinced of your worth and strength.
Amen to the age thing, Tx.
Red - Got some homework for ya. Will only take about 23 minutes
Look up a Ted Talk called Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are. Start practicing that every single time WH is in front of you. It'll start giving you more strength and confidence in situations like that.
As per the late at night questions and wonderings, they won't go away either for a while or until you truly, truly detach. The best you can do is refocus.
Listen to your friends. You are a beautiful woman. I don't even need to see the exterior to know that. Time to start believing them.
Thank you guys. I know everyone says I'm young,beautiful, smart in school, I have 2 part time jobs now I have only told you guys about. I'm really trying. I just need to start believing it myself!
In my head I just find it pathetic to be a single divorced mom of 2 at 24. To me that just sounds..sad. Like really sad. I know I need to get over feeling like this though. Feeling ashamed lf myself and my situation.
Squiggy I will look it up and start practicing asap. I'll post later after I have time to look it up!
Hey Red,
Divorce is so common these days. Don't beat yourself up because your H is a jackass. It's not your fault he decided to have an affair.
It's a character flaw in him. Nothing you can do about it.
Keep bettering yourself, you are doing a good job!
Hey Reds there are a lot of single moms out there. Young too. Look at my story I married one and in MHO have been the only father those boys ever really have known, to the point I would sacrifice myself and my happiness to be with them! There are us guys out there. Make sure when you meet one us that you appreciate that we may have our scars but we will love you and your kids with every fiber of our being!
Wish you the best Reds!
Thank you guys for making me feel better. Sometimes I worry I'm just going to end up alone forever because I am young with kids.
Probably is why I haven't walked away yet is because I'm honestly scared to date and having to meet men and having to have more heart aches. I worry if they will ever accept or love my kids. My ex stsp dad hated us and was awful. My mom ended up divorcing him but I worry about that. He told us he did't like us. I don't want my kids to have that.
Squiggy I watched the video..totally changed how I want to come off to people. I pretty much live in non power pose 24-7 and I'm going to try to change that. Power pose myself a few times a day and everytime my wah is around.
I would love to meet a man like squiggy, thornton,or tim. I just have to tell myself that you guys are really out there and not just the jerks or aholes who tend to flock to me.
That video is amazing. There's a reason it's on their top talk playlist. You power pose the hell out of everyone with wild abandon until you believe it.
Once again not telling you to not stand for the M, but offering up some perspective/knowledge/hope. You are concerned about the possibility of moving forward into another relationship in the future. Scary stuff there. Had the same thoughts last year.
The only real impact about you potentially being divorced with children is that your selection pool will narrow some. You'll simply be more discerning with your choices of who to date, because it will go through the lens of who will be good and caring to your kiddos.
This isn't the Victorian era where you're a failed, old spinster, ya know.
I am sooooo jumping the gun on this and you have more work to do yet Reds but....
This is going to sound a little weird but I read an article once that explained it better than I will. If you are a single mom or just single and want to find out what type of father a man would be 1. see if he has pets, mainly dogs because they are more needy than cats (btw I would stay away from guys with alternative pets like snakes). 2. observe his interaction with his pets, does he hit or scream at them, show them love, ignore them.
The article went on to explain that seeing a mans nurturing side can be observed in his interactions with his pets and their interaction with him. When me an my WW started dating she hated any other guy except me. She would follow the kids around or WW. When I would come over she would sit and play with me and ignore them.
Also and I am assuming you already know this but don't just introduce guys to your kids. No at home Netflix and chill dates. Make sure you are VERY serious about the guy before you introduce them. Then it should be as friends. You and he are friends not BF/GF. Until they get used to him.
I would love to meet a man like squiggy, thornton,or tim. I just have to tell myself that you guys are really out there and not just the jerks or aholes who tend to flock to me.
Speaking as a guy, I'll let you in on a non-secret. A lot of the really great guys might not have the self-confidence or self-esteem to say something. It's like when you're at a party or something, and you see a knock-out gal, great personality - you'd really like to meet her or say something.
But you don't. However, it's always the jerks and a-holes that have no problem saying something.
It's not that you attract that sort - it's that often these types have no problems asserting themselves. All the jerks I know seem to have no problem finding dates - and having relationships. Lots of 'em.
I always wonder about these beautiful women - and what they see in these clowns. I suppose it's really that their self-esteem is as bad as the guys that were too afraid to ask. There's a lot of us
blowing it out there.
And just know that there are plenty of great guys out there who could care less about you having 2 kids. They might have 2 of their own - or none at all. It's going to be you that make the difference.
And 24? Good grief. I didn't start dating my W until 23, and got married at 28. I've got socks older than you are. Heck, There are LP's I haven't played for that long (seriously). Oh, an LP is a flat, black vinyl thing you put on a... oh, nevermind.
My only advice - as pathetic as it is - is to worry about your children first and foremost. Don't feel pressured to find somebody. IMHO that can only work to your detriment. The right guy will literally drop in your lap when you least suspect it, but when you and your kids need it the most.
Look at TimR here on the forum, he's more worried about the welfare of his step sons than his WW - by a
long-shot. You too will find someone - or they will find you - and care not just about you, but your children.
And 24? Good grief. I didn't start dating my W until 23, and got married at 28. I've got socks older than you are. Heck, There are LP's I haven't played for that long (seriously). Oh, an LP is a flat, black vinyl thing you put on a... oh, nevermind.
The laugh and smile I got from that!
Tim is very much so correct in his approach. Protect those babies.
To add on to 1313. If I was 24 and not married, it'd be like white on rice. The problem is that most of the good guys that you are seeking were not properly reinforced by the ladies the jerks go for when they were younger. After being rejected enough times on things like clothing, looks, size of biceps, etc., the good guys just give up the fight.
Squiggy-All day today I have been practicing my power poses. I feel a little more confident today then usual. Hopefully doing it everyday is going to change how I feel about myself.
Tim- I wish I knew that before. H had a dog but he ignored it. He ignored our own dog. Maybe once in a blue moon she gets love but its 95% go lay down daisy, you're in my way daisy, get off the couch daisy etc from him. It is okay though she is mommy's big baby and the kids love on her 24/7.
YES I KNOW not to introduce men to my kids. It would be at LEAST 6 months solid dating and then maybe another 3-6 before I mentioned him being a boyfriend and besides just this is mom's friend. I do not want guys around my kids. Sometimes I think maybe I can wait until they go to college to date. I would be 38 with a 20 and 18 year old.
1313- Lol I have a few Lp's in my house from the previous owner. It's a record, I am young but I know some stuff. It did make me smile though reading that, I was like oh my gosh. You may have socks older then me though. I can't deny that one.
Squiggy- Yes my kids are my #1 priority right now. My sweet baby angels. My H asked how my sick son was and I said same as this morning, may need a hospital trip if his fever does not go down because he is not drinking or eating and may need an IV.( Dr said that.) I got a OMG are you serious, why are they always going to the hospital. I feel like he was mad about it. A- hospitals are the only thing open after 5 pm B- where else can your 3 year old get an IV at? Like really..I didn't reply because I just don't know what to say to that one.
Maybe when-if I need to man hunt I will have to be the assertive one and go for one of the quiet guys on the side vs that guys who want to be players and talk to me. Not that I have any desire to date right now.
I have a few older guys who do not care that I have kids and think I am so wonderful wanting to at least take me to dinner but I can't. The guilt of even thinking of going makes me say no.
One is 34, one is 28 and one is 30. All have good jobs(fireman/rn, a high up computer programming job, and a person in the military), own their houses, own their own cars, etc. But I worry they aren't really nice and just want me because I am an emotional vulnerable wreck aka easy target.
Glad it's having some effect. It's really just an extension of projecting a PMA and fits in with DBing perfectly.
As the dad whose son requests him when he is sick...Really? I mean, he really said that??? I should burn his dad card... Already convinced it's time to shred his man card...
You are going to have the doubt for a while, which is perfectly fine. It's only a problem when you let it become a barrier to moving forward. Be cautious, play it safe, and stick to your boundaries.
Psst...go for the quieter guys or the ones who aren't making sexy time the focus of their day. Just like with women, it makes us feel wanted and appreciated!
"I have a few older guys who do not care that I have kids and think I am so wonderful wanting to at least take me to dinner but I can't. The guilt of even thinking of going makes me say no.
One is 34, one is 28 and one is 30."
Thanks Reds I was feeling ok today but now that I know I am elderly, I am not so sure. LOLZ
Tim and Red - LOL! Well, I am older than you Tim, so that makes me ancient :-).
Tim!!! I tried very hard to ignore the ages she put as old. Now my knees hurt...thanks.
I'm older than all of you, but young at heart! Keep up the good work, R. Practice those power poses, too!
Red, my sweetheart,
I am old, very, very old but still have some fire left to try and make my XH to fall for me again. And who knows had some weird interaction with a guy "40"!!! this baby is 10 younger then me.
At the end of the conversation it is not really about the age and it is more about what we do during the time we gain that age.
I had a R before my XH. He was from Poland, me... from Brazil at that time. We fell in love, lived in Singapore for awhile and then we went back to Brasil. After a year, I got pregnant, right when he was leaving to Poland to take care after some business stuff. Cutting the story short, our distant R did not work and one day I said enough.
I actually did DB stuff that time, even without knowing it. Got myself in a better place psychologically, got a good job, had my kid in a good day-care/school, was looking really good.
After all that work, well... then I had time to my emotional side and found my XH. My kid was never the issue for us to be together at that time.
Things happen Red. I just think that it is not time to think much about this whole guy thing now. You are not in the right place emotionally, and to tell the truth, you are not there yet in almost any area.
You are still married to you H. Please, think about anything you do before you do it. It's not hard to lose custody, and you may not know the extend of your H's intentions.
These days it is not hard to prove A or B and you could be facing consequences.
Also, don't lose track of what is important and really makes a difference moving forward. What about the money? Is he helping you the way he should? You mention a $200 resort room, is this being paid by his pay check? If it is, then you are paying for it too since you are still married to him.
Please, do not distract yourself with foolish stuff that will come to play into your life you want or not, the guy thing is just part of our nature, and if you decide to go for at some point when you are healed, in one piece, then it will happen naturally. When you are ready... you do not need to hunt for a guy!
But, what about the house? I was told that even if the house was supposed to be shared because it also belonged to me since we were married. Since it was in his name alone, he could sell it without my permission. I went to the bank and also was told that they do not care about who has rights on it, they just care about the name that it is on.
So, drink that coffee in the morning.
It's hard Red, to juggle with all the emotions, the problems, the kids, friends, GAL, this board, the idiot H, your feelings, and the reality of a separation is very hard.
The good and bad news are that there is no other way. You need to focus in yours and your kids well being. Make sure the Jerk is not doing anything to hurt you financially. He may regret later, but right now he is not seeing it clear.
Know where you stand Red. It's important.
About your confidence, I can just say that it takes time to have it back and strong. Give yourself time. You told us that you hit the 100lbs loss not too long ago. Give yourself credit for little accomplishments, do the Squiggy's homework and in time it will be back.
In regard of the hugs and kisses with you H. We can be walking with a cane and if you do not decide when it is enough, it will continue. I did it many times until one day I saw myself better without it. Every time I did, I end up hurting myself so bad that the day I stood up and said "NO, I do not want this because it is not good for my and I need to respect myself" that's when I felt so much better.
From that time on, it was just a lot easier. You may be like me, it is only when you wake up, that you will see it.
And that's why I say to you: Every time you hug, kiss, have sex, talk to, explain, answer the phone... every single time you need to look at it and ask yourself..."What did I learned from it?"
This question will help you to slowly move into a place where you are more important then anything or anyone else, including your kids. There will be a time that it is about you.
Be careful about sex Red, there are a lot of sexual transmitted sicknesses and even having treatment for most of them, this is not fun stuff. Think about yourself first.
Also, have you schedule an apt with you doctor to get checked? Your H was sleeping with both of you, who knows if the scam bag was sleeping with someone else? See the cycle? Getting yourself checked is also a way to treat that head of yours. It's hard to walk to your doctor and say that you want to be checked because the idiot H cheated. That will help with the disconnecting part.
About thinking what they are doing or not doing, just believe that the heat of the R fades at some point. Yeah, they will make love up in a tall tree at 3am in the morning, but who cares. How clean is that love when they both know what they did?
Eventually every thing becomes routine, every Kama Sutra position becomes normal, then what will be there? Pain? Even the most stupid one, will think about what they did at some point in time.
Your H may never come back to you, but it is 100% certain that he will regret what he is doing one day.
So, as much as you can, try to negotiate with your subconscious and unconscious mind. Instead of thinking what they are doing, think that they are not having the same fun anymore. Before it was amazing, the secrecy of it, the teenager feeling. Now it is all in the open, now she can start her brilliant job of making his life a hell.
Sit, wait, let it blow by itself. Be out of the picture and let him get tired of the scum bag. You may think that it is all sunshine and it can easily becoming a storm that will turn into a tornado soon enough.
Project your thinking in what you want to happen. The universe is at work.
Be Red. Try to cry once in awhile and then let it go. Take this time to rediscover "YOU". Reinvent yourself and be beautiful for you first. After all, the only person that will always be beside you, is ... YOURSELF!!!
Love,
Pink
You guuuuuys when I said OLDER I MEANT older than me lol not old in general. You guys cracked me up today reading my messages on the ages. Age is just a number. I think double my age is the oldest I would go though.
Squiggy yes he said that- then after (about 2 hours later he called in the car which means he prob was alone at the moment.) he called to check in and ask if he was okay and how he was doing. My baby boy is a daddys boy and howls for daddy non stop the last 2 days. It really makes it hard for s3 since he just does not understand still.
Oh and my POWER STANCE HELPED ME TODAY. I had my teacher tell me I was confident( I went to class to keep practicing for my state board.) AND one of my moms for the preschool said I seemed more myself then I have seemed in months.
Today was hands down one if the WEIRDEST DAYS I have had with my H so far. I'll type that up in a minute.
Pink! My lovely amazing pink, I always miss you and always love when you write to me. I'm glad you told me your story and about how your son was never an issue for you and your H. I know it is a dumb silly thing to worry about, but I worry sometimes.
I think the resort and whatever money he is spending is his half of the income taxes aka 2900$ and he gave me 2900$ so I'm assuming he is using that money.
Yes he is still paying the house,utilities, cars, insurance, phones, credit cards etc for both of us and gives me 400$ (200$ a paycheck)for gas and food. Today he gave me 250$ an extra 50$ if I want to buy myself something. (Random but I'll take it.)
I was told the same about my house situation so I will not even be trying to get the house. It is okay though, I have my back up plan all worked out for my living.
No I haven't been checked but I see my dr this week and will ask her. She knows my situation since she is the person who has me on all my meds.
I think the other day was my rock bottom and now I'm like I do not want this and need respect for myself moment.
I do need to rediscover and recreate myself into the person I want to be. I love ya pink.
Xoxo Red
Wow you did a complete one 180 from yesterday to today. Great job, even for a young whipper snapper!
Today was..something.
Here is what was SUPPOSE to happen.
H comes to house and watch s3 at 8:30. I would drop d5 to school then go to my school,run errands, grab d5 and go home. H would leave at noon.
Did not happen like that at all.
H came and when I was going to leave said he wanted to go drop d5 off with me and s3 to school. IN FRONT of the kids so d5 was happy daddy was coming with us. I was like umm ok? So we all hope in my car and I drive us to school. We all walk in( I carry my sicky baby.) and droo d5 at class.
I got 3 texts from 3 people all like WOAH YOURE WITH YOUR H..what is going on..why are you guys in the same car? Etc just nosy.
I stop and try to get gas, I start to go inside to pay and before I get inside H yells hey wait so I turn around, he was walking towards me. In the time it took to get my wallet from my purse, get s3 his toy, and start walking apparently H had already swipped his debit card and said fill her up (to my car.) Hey free full tank.
H decides to hop in the driver seat when I finish pumping. He then drives me to school. I was confused. I'm like ummm we aren't going to the house so you can have the carseats and your own car? Nope (my school is 5-5 mins from my house. I could walk it if I wanted.)
He simple said..you said you wanted to go to school today..and I did but still. I let it go but I felt like it was more of a..I'm dropping you here so I know.youre going to school type thing.
When I was grabbing my books and papers and my purse he opened my door for me. My arms were full so he tried giving me a good hug but I stood there with my arms full. He said GOOD LUCK! I'm like luck on what? It is school..
School was good. Just practice.
He went and got d5 from school while I was in school. 99% he would have gotten me or made me come home early enough to go get d5 myself. He switched over my laundry, put my clean dishes away, rearranged my bed pilllws etc. Random little things.
After class he said he wanted to buy us lunch aka mc d's. He offered me lunch, I declined and said no I'm good but thank you..he still got me burger though.
Came home, he opened my door for me to carry things inside, pulled out my chair at the kitchen table, mentioned how nice the house looks, mentioned how nice I look and if I noticed his new shirt,jeans, sneakers too.( I did notice I just was ignoring.)
Mentioned he loved our new room. Loved the new memory foam gel pillows, loved the candle scents.
He put the kids to nap while I cleaned up lunch.
He went and crawled into my bed and was like this is so nice and comfy. I just said mhmm and left the room. He eventually came out and said he had to go. He told me to call his parents house if I needed him before the weeke d or his cell. So at least I know he is not 100% with her moved in..just on his days off.
He tried giving me a hug when he left but I had done my power pose before in the bathroom and then was peeling a sticker off a book. I was watching him. He took 3-4 steps near me and then decided to go to the door instead.
He had tons of stuff in his arms(his new game, borrowing the ps4,head set, controllers, etc so he like patted-rubbed my arm when I walked up behind him to lock the door shut.
I did end up texting him and saying
"Thank you for the help today."
He wrote
"You are always welcome
"
He called me at 8. I answered and he said he was just checking in the babies. Making sure We are okay and nothing was wrong. They s3 was ok and d5 was behaving.
It was weird. Is it horrible that now after everyday I associate happy days with a bad day after. So far everytime he its decent to me the next day he is ROTTEN and evil and makes me cry.I'm just expecting a Big bomb to happen again.
Honestly, as an outsider reading this, it sounds like more control. Buying your gas (trying to buy your love). Forcing his way into taking the kids to school Forcing you to go to school on his tearms, forcing his way into the bed etc.
I know it's not what you want to hear, but I just don't get the impression he's doing these things to try and make up for his mistake (clearly, he's still seeing her!). I think it's just more to keep you under his thumb...
I have to agree that this is very controlling behavior, all of it. Maybe it's his way of showing care, but it can also be control, temp checking, noticing that you're moving on and getting curious, etc.
One thing that has to change for good between you, regardless of the nature of the R, is the power balance. It sounds like you are well on your way to doing that and doing *amazing* work and progress.
Sorry Reds but I cannot cheer this on, however I do feel good that you had a good day. I am mind reading on this but guys minds work a lot alike, so here is what I was thinking.
The weekend you have your melt down and throw yourself at him and he does nothing. Then today he comes and is nice, buying you things, complimenting you and then the whole bed incident. IMHO he was trying to seduce you.
You are looking good, thinner, and plus you are ignoring him. He wants to know if he could still have you. You have him worried he may lose you at least physically. Maybe OW is not taking sufficient care of his desires. IDK
I cannot tell you this is correct. It is only a theory but like sparks says there is something just not right about it.
I am sorry to be the one to say it too. However that does mean there is something inside of him you still are attached to. Keep up DBing. Even pick it up a notch or two.
Red, my lovely color of love,
I just don't get anything about this control stuff. I need to know if your H would force you to do anything you don't want to do?
If you say he would or he did, then it is control. If he was just helping around, then he may be seeing all what you are doing by yourself and now has a sick child.
Maybe it was his way to help a little. Red, your M had some dinamics and is it possible your H was doing some things if you guys were still married?
This guy is confused. I don't excuse hin and his actions, but the pain is not only for the LBS. The ones walking away also carry a lot of pain.
This man had a family and then lost his way because a woman put herself right in his face. Is that a reason to forget what his part was? No. But neither is a reason to crucify him.
You told us Red, that you could be better, that you could look better, that you just let go and was not yourself anymore.
Once this nightmare started, your H saw the butterfly slowly come out of the coccum. She is beautiful, she has strenght, she is an amazing mom, she looks good, she is smart, independent...and on, and on.
Now, this guy is confused. He should be happy, but he isn't. He should be looking foward, but he isn't.
Instead, he got himself into a huge turmoil. Yes, he may be with the scum bag sometimes, but sex is not everything, and after awhile it evaporates.
Red, from the bottom of your heart, tell me what is your take on this. You know this man and what he is capable. What he did sounds like manipulation or control?
Or it is a curious George trying to figure it out what is going on with you?
And yes, he may be checking the temperature, but that does not make him an evil person.
If he is so bad, controlling, manipulative, evil... why do you want him?
I just think that it is up to you to stay firm, strong, set your boundaries (the ones you can really keep). Keep being independent, charming, positive, confident, secretive...
Keep your healthy distance, keep the changes in a consistent way. Do your GAL, stay the curse.
This is a marathon, not a sprint. Your H will behave arratic because its all very crazy right now. He got himself into a big trouble, he is not very sure of anything, his feelings are probably changing every day.
You want to have a chance to have him to come back to you, then keep the DBimg. Don't bother yourself analyzing his behavior. Fix you, better yourself, keep your distance and see what happens. Baby steps, a little every day.
You can do it Red. Pay attention to everything. Be alert. Measure your progress. Try a tecnique, if it takes you to cheeseless tunels, then change it.
Red, believe in yourself and believe that circumstances change. You are becoming a person only a fool would leave. Maybe with time your H will realize he doesn't want to be a fool.
Love,
Pink
This is why I post..in my head I def thought the school part was a little controlling and weird. I just thought the whole day was weird. I was like..is he being nice, is he just being controlling, is he helping from guilt because baby is sick? Who the heck knows, I know it was good. Kids were happy, nothing bad happened, I only physically interacted with him for maybe an hour and a half. 8:25-8:50 then then like 12:15-1:15.
I never saw the bed thing as him maybe trying to seduce me but I see how it might be. Before the OW if one if I was in bed he would always come and try to snuggle or whatever but now no.
He lays in the bed everytime he is over. I do not know why but he does. Either over or under the sheets or sprawled sideways..just always all up on it. We still share the house so on his days he is here he sleeps in the bed so I see it as like the couch. I no longer hangout in my room when he is in there watching tv on the bed though. Before even separated we would watch tv in bed or movies and hangout. I don't want that anymore.
Pink- No I honestly do not think he would try to force me to do something I did not want to do. If we were NORMAL and before he decided to leave this would be more of a normal family day for us. I think it is why I was weirded out all day.
I def do not really like the new H. He is mean, shallow, lies to my face,manipulatie, control freak.. I really do not know this man. He told me my D5 teacher who lost like 60lbs looking fat. Shes a size 6 and her shirt gave her some muffin top. I was like (in my head) wtf dude.
I miss the old before he left me, sweet H. The one who always left me love notes before work on the fridge, called me everynight from work to tell me he missed me, sweet and caring H. I do not know of the man I want is even there anymore.
I really had to keep power posing, and pep talking the crap out of myself. I really wanted to just hug him and be all thank you for helping me today and just.love on him. I wanted to lay in the bed next to him and talk. I wanted him to hug me good, sometimes he will pick me up and really hold me. I wanted him to love me, but my head just said NO. NO YOU DON'T. Because right now it would mean NOTHING. It makes you cry because you get 5% love and then know he is going right back to her so just keep a foot or two between you. Be strong. Act as if you are fine and distance.
Seriously without you guys I would be a hot mess everytime he is over.
I told my best friend about my day..she said " He wants to still have his back burner girl. Remember what his ex said. If he thinks you are slipping away he will make you feel enough love to hold on just incase he ever wants to come back. Just keep up your wall around you."
I will say I am doing pretty good on the D front.
I have my old wedding job back. 12$ an hour, can come and go as I want because my office is at her house and I have a key. I can take my kids. She(my boss) is the ow ex mother in law and my h's ex best friends mom.
She was close enough to us that she buys my kids gifts and they call her grandma. This week I worked 10hrs so 120$ in 2 days. Even if I did 10hrs a week thats almost 500$ a month. She said she could easily give me 20-40 hours and really come and go whenever. Bring the kids, she always has snacks and treats for them and full access to the fridge.
D5 school hired me as a sub. Days they need a sub they will call me to work. I'm already class mom and run so many things for the school for free they said I might as well be paid!
STILL GETTING MY CNA LICENSE AND JOB.I will try to work part time cna 1-2 days a week. Even work at the hospital 3 days a week full time, linen job on the side when I can and if I have time and they call me to sub to go in.
Either way the part time linen job is 500-1000$ for 10-20 hrs a week plus the cna and maybe subbing I should make enough money to be fine without H once you add in child support.
THEN I had a meeting and found out I CAN get FREE daycare for the kids for the next year before they are both in school. I have a family advocate that 2 of my best friends use. She helped them get the daycare one for her special needs son and the other is a single mom of 3 who has been separated from her husband for 2.5 years with no divorce in sight because she cries everytime she tries to file.(she left him because he is bad into drugs but still can't seem to divorce him.)
So daycare for free I'm working on.
Then my sister just moved out of my moms yesterday to go live with my brother across the country. My whole family lives up north and my grandparents are sick. She is going back to take care of them so now I have room at my moms for me and kids..and my ex stepsister is planning on moving out as soon as she can by maybe may? So that would be another room. My mom rearranged the house and put a huge futon bed, and tons of stuff in the exercise room so it looks nice but functions as a bedroom now. She said she would give me the master bedroom with the bathroom and sleep in the exercise room since she is always working out in there and it has the computer,tv, walk in closet etc. It is the size of a 2 car garage.
Sooo this week mama got:
Job
Housing
Daycare
I am feeling very independent. I did not tell H any of this AT ALL. I have not told anyone besides 2 best friends and my mom about the job or daycare or the house.
You are the embodiment of the expression 'coming from a position of power'.
Very, very important: even if you and H get back together, keep your financial independence. Never become dependent on a man again. I am telling you this as woman of 50+ who gave up a good job and family and independence at 35 to move and get married and become dependent. Now, my health is not great and H berates me for not making a lot of money (I can't get a job like i had anymore). Don't be me, be smart!
You're doing great. Enjoy the independence. BTW, your hubby is a major league cake eater. He wants to string you along in case he changes his mind about OW or she changes her mind about him. Honestly, from what I've read of your posts, you're way too quality of a woman to allow yourself to ever be anyone's plan B. Too much life ahead of you to let yourself be treated that way. I'm not saying dump him for good but if he wants to be part of your team then it's YOUR rules he must live by. First, and most important, NO OW'S EVER. No flirting, no nothing. He doesn't even get opposite sex friend privileges because he has proven he's not trustworthy. YOU'RE the one who has the power to decide if this M goes forward, not him.
I think you're doing great. You're realizing that your H is a want and not a need. You're realizing that you can do just fine on your own. That is awesome. That empowers you to become the master of your own fate. Keep it up, you're doing great.
Hi Red,
Thank you for answering. You are definitely showing your strengths and its awesome. Proud of you beautiful!
You are mastering the DB concept and doing all you can (and that's a lot already) to be a better you. I am amazed of how fast things move for you. And you have two little ones.
I always come from the place of caring. So, it always takes me a while to determined that someone is bad or doing bad at that moment. That's why I question your H's attitude towards you.
I really believe that his A will pass. Some Rs start very wrong and they are more likely to fade with time. At the beginning there is a lot of "new" but then people start showing their true colors and things go sour.
What you are doing is exactly what you should, need, must to do for yourself and your kids. Keeping your distance from him is very good, you are protecting your heart and your well being.
Just be caution that he will react to what is happening, he is not blind and he is seeing the changes. He also knows that you are young and can rebuild your life with someone else.
But all that is his problem, and he will need to put the hard work to gain your trust and your heart back. Try as much as you can do not give in to his charms, he will try it.
Right now, your position is empowering you to even put some boundaries about how he approaches you. No more hands everywhere, no more good wife waiting for him. Boundaries seem like the worse thing and feels like you are pushing him away, but it is only when we set the boundaries that they start seeing we are not just playing around, that we are actually respecting ourselves.
Be patient, continue in your path with all what life is offering you right now. You have a good plan. Let him be, things will turn for the worse with him and around him. With time he will realize his mistakes. He will probably go into phases, cycles. If you keep being strong as you are, he will finally realize how stupid he was.
You go girl. Can't say enough how a beautiful butterfly you are becoming, right in front of our eyes.
With lots of love,
Pink
Painter- I have told everyone I WILL NEVER DEPEND ON ANYONE again. Ever. Ever never. Ever.
Txhubby- I'm trying to stop the cake eating but I'm not sure what else To do to stop it? I know I'm better then a back up. I would move heaven and earth to make my man happy ( any man I'm with.) and that's what I want. I want someone to put as much effort into me as I seem to put into everyone else. I am the master of my own fate.
Pink- I know you always come from a place of caring . I know everyone here tells me what I need to know and hear and not what I want to hear. You guys wont baby me or make me be pathetic. You guys all will be tough love and tell me to get my crap together. Thats what I need in my life or else I know myself and how I would be.
I've had SO MANY PEOPLE tell me how strong I'm being and they are amazed with how well I'm handling my life. They just don't see the hot mess version of me that you guys do.
I'm not giving into the charm. I would rather be lonely and cry at home missing him then give him the satisfaction of knowing he can have me anytime he wants.
My best friend who had known my H longer then me and was his friend first tells me all the time that the reason he is so happy is he knows he could walk into the house right now and he could get his marriage and wife back in 5 minutes so why sad? Two extremely sexy girls both want him and he can have either one. What guy doesnt want that? I'm like NO. NO. I NEED TO make him know Im not an option. I'm working on it.
I'm really trying to let him be pink. I'm trying to think of him as being dead or a ghost when he physically isnt in front if me he doesnt exist. When I start to think of him I'm trying to make myself change the thoughts. Go exercise, turn on the tv, think of something random like balloon animals etc.
I went shopping today. I bought 2 pairs of shoes, a nice new outfit, 2 outfits for each baby. Used coupons and spent 25$ instead of 250$. Clearance and coupons. I'm such a coupon master. I love it.
My mother in law, grandpa( h's) and aunt (h's) just popped in to say Hi because I'm avoiding my in-laws house so she came here to me.
No call or text, just came inside. ( She has a house key to my house, along with my FIL, Mom, H and Me. We have 5 sets of keys to my door.
I was in the kitchen and she was like hello..!
I just about died. I look nice today. I have on a nice outfit, I have on makeup and my hair done. They said I look amazing and wonderful. My house was clean besides the living room rug and mopping. They all gave me hugs. My mil was shocked I had a tattoo when she saw it on my foot.
She gave me a huge hug and said she really missed me and wishes I would visit her more. She said no matter what I'm her daughter and I can't hide away forever because her sons an idiot andjust because he wants to do this that doesnt mean they dont love me and want me in their life. She was like he really is an idiot and got all emotional and kissed my cheek. I cried when I shut the door. I am just crying like a baby now.
It's comforting to know I can come here each day and end up with a smile (big compliment on you and how your progress is going).
Great job on thinking through the situation and viewing it from different perspectives. Very helpful skill to cultivate. Hard to not vilify those who are causing us great harm. Part of the path to forgiveness.
Red,
You are really knocking it out of the ballpark. I am in awe of all of your strength and grace through this process. You haven't been DB'ing for long and you are doing it so well.
Good for you to be at your best when the in-laws showed up (and, btw, how rude not to call first!). And, for holding it together until they left….kudos.
Your plans for your jobs, daycare and housing are truly impressive. You've come such a long way in such a short time. Take a moment to cry, then pat yourself on the back and keep it up!
She said no matter what I'm her daughter and I can't hide away forever because her sons an idiot andjust because he wants to do this that doesnt mean they dont love me and want me in their life. She was like he really is an idiot and got all emotional and kissed my cheek.
That confirms it. I knew he was an idiot. Mothers know their kids better than anyone and she confirmed my suspicion. ;-)
DON'T BEAT YOURSELF DOWN RED!!!
It's not easy to just detach from someone we got that serious that we actually married the bastard.
It's a process, that's why to learn patience. Only time will make you feel better, be more detached, be more on your own skin.
At the same stage you are now, if I tough about balloon animals they would have the shape of my XH. Drinking coffee would be smelling his cologne, driving outside and would be thinking I could maybe drive over him and disappear him. LOL
Yeah, I know I got your smile now. But that is true. I did not disconnect until much later and many in this board did the same. Why? Because it is very hard.
I already told you that I invented some sad story to my boys and then ran to a hotel to spend the night with who? The guy that was already my XH. Well, I did it, was good. But was also bad because I knew I reset the clock and need to work harder to get my DBing campaign going again.
I did not hang myself in the garage the next day tough. It is just that... a learning process.
One day, all the sudden I said NO. It was from inside of my gut. I was not mad, not sad. I just said it wasn't for me anymore. Then I felt good.
It took me a long time to let go on the physical affection. I won't punish myself for that. I am glad I learned my value.
Time will help you. GAL will help you. Your new career will help you. Get yourself busy will help you.
Another thing to try, is always when he is to be in your house, you find something to do outside. I know it [censored]. At least I always tough it [censored] that I needed to make room for the prince. But it is for you. You won't betray yourself. There are days we can be all strong and confident, and there those other days that we just want a hug (and then we end up in bed).
If you want your H back, you need to let him go. Take this time as a vacation from him and do things you want to do for yourself. He will pay attention, he will have 2nd toughs, and if he decide to be an idiot, then at least you will be in a way for a much better life because you will be a better person.
Keep the pace... you are doing great!
With Love,
Pink
Just saw the MIL convo. It is really good Red, do not throw away the friendship. There are many reasons for that. MIL is his mom and it is always good to have her on your side.
MIL is your kids grandma and will always be a part of your family.
MIL can help some day, who knows. You may need it because of the kids and she will be there to give you a hand.
All positive. Funny, my MIL said the same about XH, she even said that he was her son but she couldn't avoid to see that he was behaving like a Fool.
His family calls me, check on me and the boys, they really care. All good, it's not their fault that your H is being an idiot, just like she said.
And if you guys get back together, then there won't be hard feelings to repair.
****
Red,
Now, it is the woman talking to you. Outside any DB, without any masks or rules to get the H back or be better.
I wish I could sit right there with you and cry, then laugh. I too have this horrible pain inside my heart. I am strong, getting better, do a million things in the same time, my teenagers are good boys, everything is so nice.
But, and there is a painful but. I still cry in my car. I still cry once I am alone in my bedroom, it is very, very hard to face that life is different now.
There are some whys, what for, when, all questions without answers, one day I am up, up, up and away and the next I feel pain in my body for hiding the desire to just give up.
So, from the bottom of my heart I wish I can give you a big hug and we can cry a little together. No one deserve to be betrayed, no one deserve this pain, but it came to us and we need to make the most of it and learn what we can.
Sometimes I try to think that we are chosen to be in this situation, that life chose us so we could be even better human beings.
So, be gentle on yourself, glad you bought the outfit and shoes for yourself. That is a good way a real girl feel appreciated.
Buy some lipstick next time. It makes wonders.
I love you like my daughter. You will be happy again Red, believe.
Pink
Squiggy- you always brighten up my day when you post.
Brooke- I think she didn't call because the last 2-3 times she has I wasn't home so she just decided to show up and if I was home to stop by. I have been invited over a lot and just haven't been able to go because last time I cried having to leave and I don't want his parents to see me crying and hurting.
txhubby- That comment made me smile. Oh gosh.
Pink-
One day, all the sudden I said NO. It was from inside of my gut. I was not mad, not sad. I just said it wasn't for me anymore. Then I felt good.
It took me a long time to let go on the physical affection. I won't punish myself for that. I am glad I learned my value.
I think I am at the point(at least how I feel today)
If you want your H back, you need to let him go. Take this time as a vacation from him and do things you want to do for yourself. He will pay attention, he will have 2nd toughs, and if he decide to be an idiot, then at least you will be in a way for a much better life because you will be a better person.
I joined kickboxing today to get some anger out. Like legit kick boxing. I want to beat the crap out of someone so I might as well do it in a way that I won't end up in jail lol.
My mom told me the same with my MIL. My mom still calls my grandma and says Hi ma, and they talk. She has always been close to my grandma talking on the phone and always had my grandma there. She said if I keep pushing them away that I will regret it in the end. I believe that too now. I just feel like a sad pathetic person around them since I always get teary eyed when I have to leave or they leave.
Love you too pink. I know I will be happy again someday. Somedays I feel amazing and other, like today..I honestly want to cry all day in bed and eat ice cream with the kids and not get dressed. Maybe it's okay to have days like today as long as it's once in a blue moon and not like a daily thing.
I wish I had all of you guys as friends in real life. My friends all kinda suck in real life. Except 2-3 of them. They just say move on, get over it, it's been 3 months, you still aren't filing yet? etc etc etc. I almost refuse to talk about my H with anyone since it just brings me down and makes me feel awful.
I really want to spend my first paycheck and some of my savings and splurge on makeup and clothes for myself. It makes me sad that the OW is the person who taught me how to do my makeup so well and got me slightly addicted to the nice brands, it just looks so good on me. Like I feel sexy when I am all done up now a days. I need to go get more but it is easily 200-400$ of makeup I want to buy, which would be dumb.
I AM 186.8 LBS YOU GUYS. I was 285 the day I came home from the hospital with D3. I'M SO CLOSE TO 100LBS from a size 22 to a size 10-12. I need to have excess skin removal surgery since my stomach is so bad. Google excess belly skin after weight loss and yeah that is what my belly looks like. It makes me hate looking in the mirror without clothes on.
I feel like my brains melting today and that I have to ask dumb questions.
Sunday the kids and I are going to the big strawberry festival at the fairgrounds after I get them from H. Do I invite him or do I just go and say nothing? I have to get them a few hours early so we can make it a day and not just 2 hours long.
I have the kids getting photos done in a week. I will probably take a few with them.
I don't invite him to that do I? First time doing photos without him.
We usually do family photos and we haven't in so long and my whole family lives 3,000 miles away so I have to at least get them of the babies for them.
I haven't gone and done anything on a day where I will see him yet. Usually I GAL on days he is with OW or working but never a day when I know he is free and has no plans except to hangout with the kids for a few hours before he goes to the OW house so it is a FIRST for me.
Red,
Do not invite him at all. His choice was to be away from you and you need to respect that. Go with the kids, have fun, take pictures and post them on FB or messenger so your family can see the boys and you.
Red, I know it hurts but he don't just left and got some time out, he left because he is in A, and this A is with your X-Friend. I know you want him to go, I know you think that it could be nice and he can see that you make a great family together.
But this is not the way. You do that and the clock goes back big time. Go and have fun as much as you can, your H is out of the picture because he chose to be. So let him be.
It will take some time for him to change his mind (if he does). You need to do your stuff now. Go places with the boys. Just make sure to just work as adults around the schedule. And this has nothing to do about you and him. It's about the kids.
This hard work your having been putting on is not for you to just throw away. It's for you to treasure. If you believe in the process then be patient.
Wonka wrote this to Raine sometime ago: Do what works, if it is not resonate with you as the right thing, then it is probably what you need to be doing.
It spoke volumes to me because we keep saying that our actions may seen contra-productive, but the truth is that the more we go back trying to be nice, the more we hurt our cause.
Right now, it is time to do your things by yourself. As the time go by and he may come around, then you will think about it.
Let him have time for his A, the more time he has for it, more are the chances they will implode.
Have faith, be mysterious, be fun, be confident, let him go.
Then when you are far from danger, cry inside the closet. And don't eat the ice-cream. It's no worth it. You need to be gorgeous, girl power and girl rules. Eat lettuce, not ice-cream.
TODAY, REMEMBER TO FORGET HIM...
Pink
Pink-
I was thinking that is what I should do but I needed that extra confirmation to JUST GO on my own. I'm excited and kinda of scared. I don't know why. I have never taken the kids to something this big before on my own. I really am excited. They have horse back riding, face painting, bounce houses, food, tons of strawberry things, music, games etc.
Usually my GAL with them is the park, gym or a friends house. Small things. I want to do BIG things now like SEAWORLD or DISNEY on my own. It makes me sweat thinking of going somewhere like that alone with them but I really want to.
Wonka wrote this to Raine sometime ago: Do what works, if it is not resonate with you as the right thing, then it is probably what you need to be doing.
I like this. I will save this as one of the things to remember in my phone. I have a list of random quotes, sayings, info I keep on a list for days when I need it.
Eat lettuce not ice cream. Deal! Except Monday. Mama is bringing home strawberries and making my nanny's famous strawberry shortcake recipe so I can take it to D5 school on monday for the teachers..and me.
-_- woke up to a text from H saying he is coming over this morning to grab something(he did not say what) and visit kids before school. He gets off work ay 6am and it is 6:20. I really don't want to roll out of bed this early to get good looking before he shows up.
Hey rednail,
I know how you feel about taking the kids places on your own. I went through that very feeling. I still do to some degree. My kids are just a little older then yours.
The way it worked for me is I would visit the places on my own first to get a feel for the place, then I would take the kids, have in my mind that if things go bad with them I can leave at any time. I had no expectations of how long we would be there. If kids listened then it would be longer. if not I would leave right then, right there. I have left groceries stores and left the cart in the isle because the kids were not behaving.
I would stay away from crowded places at first, go to open parks and outside playgrounds. Its easier to keep an eye on them and it builds up a expectation for the kids, If they do well you tell them that and then let them know that if they can behave well like that, you can take them to more places like it.
keep up the good work, keep posting.
Hey Vise-
That is a REALLY good idea. I feel like with our kids being close in age you know what it is like to take them places at times. I will try your idea today, today we are going to a NEW park that is about 20 minutes away that is 3x the size of the one by my house. It looks so cool. I will tell them if they can listen and be good then Sunday we can try something new( the big strawberry festival!)
Red - you are so strong, I know you can do the activities with the kids. I love Vise's idea of leaving when it becomes overwhelming and plan, plan, plan ahead (lots of snacks in the stroller!). I love that you want to do that - also, what about seeing if there are playgroups at churches nearby? You may meet some other moms that would want to do stuff like that occasionally too….it makes it a little less daunting with 2 adults (even if the kids outnumber you!).
I say look your best for you at this point….you are rocking a 100 lb weight loss, girl. Get out of that bed and look good for YOU! If he drools because he is missing out, that is his problem. Right now, it is about YOU and your confidence. Stay strong when he is there….remember your boundaries.
Hey,
That's a good way to start. That way if they are not listening at this new park you leave right away. No big loss and it sets the standard for the strawberry festival.
You want them to really behave at the festival as I imagine you want to be there too. I would NOT tell them that if they are good at the new park that they will go to the festival. Reason is because if they are acting up, then you have to follow through with the no festival consequence.
Save the good feed back for when they are good after being at the new park. This way if they are not good then you can leave right away with them crying asking to stay and no big loss. After that I am sure they will remember that at the strawberry festival.
well you get the idea, good luck
-_- woke up to a text from H saying he is coming over this morning to grab something(he did not say what) and visit kids before school. He gets off work ay 6am and it is 6:20. I really don't want to roll out of bed this early to get good looking before he shows up.
This is not how it works. You have to establish boundaries. People who are on your team can come and go as they please. He doesn't want to be on the team so he ASKS before he comes over like any non-team member of yours would have to do. He has to realize that his actions have consequences and he loses unrestricted access to the family if he can't live by the family's rules.
Morning Red,
Vise and Broke gave really good ideas for handling the kids. I was always kind of a single mom. My XH used to travel a lot. The way it worked for me was really a good communication.
Working as a team always worked well. Till today my kids are like that. It was always about agreeing what to do and always keep an eye on each other.
My kids learned very early their full name, address and phone number. It can be overwhelming at first, but the more you do, the more they get use to it.
I agree with Tx, at first your H would come and go, but now you know there is an A going on. I really believe that at some point you two need to develop some kind of schedule with the kids.
It's not even about you and your looks anymore. This is not good for the kids that he just pop up when he feels like. They may not show now, but this can create deep wounds that will show up when they are teenagers.
Just because they are very young does not mean they are not internalizing all what is going on around them. And I know, it is asking one more thing for you to take care after. It's very unfair, I sometimes feel the same way.
Why should be me to think about all this. But, it is what it is for now and you are the only adult that can take care after then. You potato head H does not even realize what he is doing for his own kids.
You know some of his schedule, so put a plan on a paper and ask him to look over and talk to you if he needs to change anything. You will not ask for his permission, or his approval on this. You need to tell him this is the right thing for your kids.
This is not going to play against you. It will be a boundary that needs to be respected and this is also part of the DB process. Like Tx said, he is the one that checked out of the team, he needs to find out about the consequences.
Good luck! Love,
Pink
This is what happened:
I got a text saying "I have to pick something from the house and I want to see the kids when I get off work today." Sent at like 3 am.
I woke up around 6:20 and saw it..and was like crap.
6:40-Hey are you awake? (H) Yes (Me) Is it okay if I come over? (H) Sure (Me)
I was already up(kids got up extra early today too) and getting ready so I figured he could come see the kids and get whatever he needed. He has been better at not popping in anymore especially since I found out about his A.
He came in, used the bathroom. I was already up, looked decent, had my bed made, kids were up etc. I had the door shut of my room, and he came into the room. I got my shirt and walked out and went into the bathroom when he came into the bedroom. Went along my way. Got kids dressed, got breakfast ready,(honestly forgot about him for like 30 minutes while I was doing our morning routine.)
Went to the bathroom which is next to my room.He had laid across the bed and fell asleep with his feet hanging off the side of the bed.
I didn't say anything, just went back to doing my own thing. He woke up, used the bathroom again, s3 gave him one of the muffins I made for them for breakfast, and he sat on the couch. He was like "I'm really tired I'm going to go." I was on the computer in the game room and just said Okay. He stood by the door for 2-3 minutes until I came up to lock it behind him. He just stared at me for what seemed like forever, then asked is I was still giving him the kids at 11:30 tomorrow. I said yes. He stood there for 2-3 extra minutes and then moved out of the door frame so I could shut it. I just said drive safe and locked the door.
I really didn't talk to him besides 2-3 sentences and he slept for like an hour. He didn't visit the kids AND he didn't take anything with him. It was WEIRD.
I do know his schedule hands down for the next year. It has been the same for 2 years. The only thing that varies every week is the mandatory overtime.
Whenever we have to pick which days he has the kids he has to do it like the day before he has them because he doesn't know when he will have overtime until a day before. I told him 3 weeks ago I need the 17th off. I don't NEED it but want it off. We will see what he does. If he doesn't give me it off and is willing to work with me then I am BUYING him a calendar and putting in the days I want him to have the kids.
Then he can't give me a hard time. Honestly even now he can't give me a hard time for wanting a set schedule. Should I print a calendar and give it to him TOMORROW with the rest of the month and days I would like him to have the kids?
Is it mean if I pick his best days off for the kids which means less OW time? Like if he has them Sunday, he works Monday so he will have to sleep all monday after he gives them to me vs if he is with her he can spend all sunday, and monday morning with her. Am I being a B*tch for wanting to mess it up? Maybe every other good day off? What do you guys think?
Here is how 2 days off would work
day 1(first day off)- come home and sleep for 6 hours then be up from maybe 12-1pm until 10pm then sleep all night.
Day 2 up at 8 am go to bed at 10 pm sleep all night
Day 3(back to work)- up until noon sleep noon until work time.
Looking over my calendar he usually keeps them 80% on his First day off so that way his next FULL day and night and next morning is free.
I think it is an attempt to control him which he may see through which really is not detaching. It could blow up on you but I also think that you certainly deserve good days off.
Red,
Try to keep in mind that it is 50/50 - half weekends for you, half for him. Do not think about using it because OW. It really does not make any sense. Any day is a day for OW really.
That is not important now, your kids mental health is important and your own time to have a decent life is important too.
It's not about him and what he does with his time. Try to be fair and he will also see it. He has a person that is willing to destroy a family, cheat on her best friend. One day this will all play big time inside of his potato head.
Be honest and caring, I am sure he will think about this. You are not needy, not make an issue out of proportion, not interested in ruining his life. Be generous. What you give today will come back to you tomorrow.
Be patient...have patience... learn patience...
It will take some time for him to see all this, to see all what he did and is doing. You know already that his family will respect what he is doing just because he is an adult. But they do not agree with it.
He knows you do not want this but you will respect his mistakes.
At some point, their R will start to rotten, I have that almost at 100% sure. Let that play alone while you get better, more confident, more independent, happier.
That confidence that is building inside of you, will be the 1st thing that will attract him. Don't be available, he scares, mysterious. Let time work on your M right now.
Don't give him any reason to blame you for his life being a hell. Let him and the scum bag live hell by themselves and one day you will see the wet dog stand right before you feeling all remorseful.
Believe and wait. Be clean in your heart. Do what is best for your kids and yourself and respect your H's space.
Love,
Pink
Yeah you are right Tim. Hmmmm I don't know what days to pick for a schedule.One week is like wed, thurs off and the next is monday, tuesday, friday,saturday,sunday unless he works overtime. I will have to think about it. Maybe FOR NOW I will just stick with the way we do it now which is he will tell me his available days and we choose which days we want right then on the phone or text. Like he knew I had a bridal shower Saturday morning, so he is keeping them Saturday night this weekend.
Pink- You are right. I am going to really THINK about what would be BEST for the kids. Right now I am thinking maybe if one week he has them wednesday the NEXT time he has wednesday and thursday off he keeps them on thursday. Something. Old me would go out of my way to ruin his days off. New awesome db me will just suck it up and do what is right for my babies.
Red,
It's not suck up. You do what is best for you too, and for your kids. The part of being fair is that one of these days he will realize what he is losing.
I am sure during the M you did some not so nice things (as I did many) and he did too. The new your is not trying to get back on him, no revenge, passive aggression, resentment. I know you have all the reasons to feel this way, but it is not the way to make your H realize his best place is home with his wife and kids.
If you want him back and is willing to change, then start on things that you can change... Just let go. Live for YOU.
Love,
Pink
He comes in and makes himself at home? Lays on your bed? Oh heck no. He CHOSE to move in with OW. He LOST his privileges to the family home. Legally he has abandoned the family home. He has ZERO right to do any of these things that he did today. YOU have to establish boundaries and hold him accountable. He's got the run of your place and his OW on the side. No incentive for him to man up and be a decent human being. You're now enabling his A. Please don't do that to yourself. You deserve better. He has to call/ask before he comes to YOUR house and when he does you meet him at the door and ask him what he wants. If it's some clothes, or whatever, you tell him to wait there, YOU go get them, hand them to him at the porch and ask him if that's it. If it is then tell him you need to go take care of YOUR family and close the door.
Do that and you might save your marriage (if you still want to, I wouldn't).
I agree with TX and I think it's reasonable to 'call him' on this. For example - you could calmly say something like - Hey, what happened yesterday - you coming into the house & falling asleep on the bed - that doesn't work for me. This isn't your home anymore and I'll ask you to please respect that in future.
To me that would be enough to put down a firm and pleasant marker with him.
Hope this helps....and it sounds as though you are generally doing well in your interactions with him - well done
Txhubby& Sotto:
The only problem I have with this is we still TECHNICALLY share the house. He still is here when he has the kids overnights. He can't take them to the OW house because she just rents a room and he can't take them full time to his parents because I don't know why. So if it's his night with the kids I leave and go to my moms or a friends and he stays here in my room. He still has 50% of his stuff in there.
I really REALLY REALLY hate the situation. Even in April when he moves into his friends to house sit the house. He will have a 3 bedroom 2 bath huge furnished house but he doesn't even want to take the kids there because it's not "his house" but his friends.
THIS is one of my BIGGEST problems that I don't know how to deal with.
I talked to a cop and a few L's around here.
They said:
The house is only in his name
EVERY bill is in HIS name
He pays for EVERYTHING in the house
He gives me gas/food money
Almost everything in the house is his
50% of his stuff(clothing) is here etc including half his work uniforms and back up gear
SO I can't change the locks(I can get in trouble for that.)
That I can't kick him out when it's his, and he pays for everything. The house is a premarital asset so all the L's said I have no say or claim on the house as well so..That is my living situation.
Red,
That sounds awful - are you still considering moving into your mom's place? Would you feel comfortable setting the boundary of H calling you first before he came over? If he is willing to abide by the simple boundary, problem would be solved. That is very tricky and I am sorry you have to go through that. That makes it even more impressive that you are DB'ing so well. If my H was in and out of my house that would make it so much tougher….
Things like this can be difficult but I see that he is cake eating big time. Everything you talk about seems like it's him that dictates the terms. Where he will see the kids and such. He forfeited those privileges when he abandoned his family. Red, that is what he has done even in the eyes of the law. He has abandoned his family. Legally, once you do that you forfeit your family rights/privileges. He can visit the kids at YOUR discretion. You did not abandon them. He did. He can come inside YOUR house only with YOUR permission. He chose to abandon the home. He has no more rights to enter and exit as he sees fit. A lawyer will tell you all of this. I kind of enjoyed sharing this exact information with my wife when she abandoned our family home. She learned really quick that her actions came with consequences. She had to call and ask before she could come to the house even though she was still contributing to paying the mortgage. Why? Because legally she abandoned the home.
As for the conflict about where/when he has the kids. That's at YOUR discretion because you did not abandon them. He may not even know this but in the eyes of the court, he abandoned his children and subsequently forfeited his parental right to make decisions on their behalf. If you went before a judge today he/she would declare that you have custody of the children and he must arrange visits with them at your discretion. That's how it works. Something wayward spouses don't think about when they're getting their kicks.
You did nothing wrong. You're home being a good mother. You did not abandon anything. Not the marriage, the house, or the kids. Stand up for your rights. Be strong. He'll respect that. He does not get to dictate anything anymore. He, of his own free will, forfeited that right.
I did not know the TX. I am going to make a new thread with my thoughts.
Well, it seems reasonable to me that as soon as he has better living arrangements, the current 'visit them here' deal is off. It sounds as though he could take them to his new place (if friend is happy, or is out) to his parents, or take them out somewhere. You could always let him know that having him there visiting with the kids in your home isn't working for you and He'll need to make other arrangements. And (frankly) what other arrangements he chooses to make are up to him and needn't concern you as long as the kids are safe and well looked after.
JMHO of course, but I don't think there's any need to let him have things every which way he wants at the expense of your convenience and wellbeing?
Rednail,
Please start a new thread.