I have been in house separation for the past eight months trying to show my wife that people can change in the hope that my wife would give me another chance and let me show her that I can live up to her expectations of the man that she wanted me to be in our marrage
My W told me that it was over and that she would not change her mind and she has stuck to this no matter what I have done or said and because she is not open to working on creating a better relationship conversations at home are drying up and I sence that the end is looming.
So i have decided that I cannot do this any longer so....questions
First do we need soliciters to end the marrage ...it sounds like a dumb question but if she knows what she wants when the marrage ends and I agree that what she wants is extremely fair then she says that we can just go to the soliciters and tell them to put it to gether
Does it matter if she files for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour as it
Has been under one year since we Seperated
So do I sell house Then file for divorce or do we do the divorce first
I know there are three things to consider
1) the finances
2) the children
3) the marrage
In which order should this be managed
Do we go to the soliciters together canine solicitor wrap things up for us both
It is time for legal advice my W tells me that she will be fair and neither of us want soliciters to put a bigger wedge between us and start raking up legal bills
Dark times are here and it is now about how to walk away from this with enough that I can be a dad the best dad to my children.
Thank you
Ghost
Hi G , you need legal advice and then at least you will be aware of your rights.
As for W being fair , fair to her maybe. Time to think of you and act accordingly
Take care. Rd
yes, please do not go with what you think is fair. You are emotionally involved.
You already stated you wouldn't take half of the money she has stashed because you want her to take care of the kids. News flash, when she burns through it she will come after you for money either way.
let the lawyers do it.
I have seen so many stories here where the lbs thought if they went along with everything and didn't upset the spouse everything would be fine.
wrong
Ghost, get an attorney involved or at least a mediator.
You're going to hear over and over and over on here not to do what feels "fair" in the moment.
Right now, you're like the drunk at 2am that swears he can drive home and all of his friends say, "Trust us, take a cab. Sure it will cost a bit more, but trust us on this one."
I'm sorry my friend, but you're not in a position to decide what's fair for you right now. You need an attorney to make sure it's fair for everyone involved. Neither you or your W are capable of doing that. Does that make sense?
Neither of you are capable of determining what is fair right now.
That means you're not.
And your W is not.
Does that make sense?
So my W is saying that we split the acess to the children fifty fifty if I do this then I get to see my children as much as I can and so would my W also if I do this then a I understand it no child maintanve would be paid by either party.
Secondly she is saying that the house gets split fifty fifty with the mortgage being paid off with this deal I will get in the region of £300 to £325 k
Given the fact that we both want to look after our children then this sounds like an extremely fair deal I have started to read on other forums where the deal for the husband has been terrible with the W getting the home and the husband having to pay for the W lots of money.and he ends up with very little
My W is also saying that my cars are mine and her cars are hers and that her money is hers and mine is mine ..she may have £10k cash put aside and I have no idea what she has in her bank for all I know she may have been saving for years and years and she could have £10k in the bank or even £100k in the bank I doubt that it is anywhere near that but I have no idea at all.
The bottom line to the money in each other's bank is does it really matter what each other have if we both agree that the deal is fair and it is tied up legally then once we divorce if it is legal that she cannot then Come after me for more money then I at least get to stand a chance to rebuild my life.
What is the alternative I fight her for a share of her money and piss her off and then she fights me for all of our house and my money and I am left with no money to rebuild my life and it becomes a battle of the soliciters who then get rich.
I do hear what you guys are saying my W has also made it clear that when the house sells as part of this deal we will divorce and split everything at this time
I will be seeing a solicitor later this week I have to protect my family and I really hope my W is as fair as she says she is going to be
Pigpen yes that makes sence I just am worried if soliciters get involved they might try and sway her to going after lots more than she is offering as a fair deal for both of us. My W has never been a money grabber ...never all through our marrage she has always paid her way and she has never expected me to pay more than she has.
If she can't come after you for child support in the future, I would take the deal. Any money she has stashed, is gone to you already. Remember 50/50 is only a good deal as long as she can't bite you in the a$$ as you walk away.
H G , this is going to sound tough but I would advise you not to believe a word of what your W is saying. She may well want a fair split now but who knows what's done the line. My W left with her car a clothes and I got everything , I still went to my lawyer to get a worse case scenario and protected myself duly , W knows none of this
PPs analogue of the drunk driver is spot on , you don't know what's best for you right now so please be led by experts. I'm not advising you take one penny from W more than your entitled to but protect yourself
Take care. Rd
Hi ATP, I would certainly have a L in the mix and run past them what is being proposed. It may be fine, or there may be tweaks that need to be made in order to protect yourself. But if you have a L overview on things, this should protect you from falling into any potholes in your settlement arrangements.
To give an example from my sitch, my H proposed selling one of our two properties and we each take 50/50 (roughly what we put in anyway.) It sounded OK to me and would allow me to buy the flat I'm renting now. But it isn't 50% of our assets and I would have 'given up' the only asset (or leverage) in my name, without dealing with the rest. Worst case scenario, he spends everything else or gambles it all away - just too big a risk. So, I said yes to the house sale, as part of full settlement - ie: pothole avoided. However, I would never have worked through all of that without L input.
Do proceed wisely and with a suitably qualified adviser. Remember, this isn't just about you, it's about securing the best possible future for your family too.
Take care xx
Hey AP, I don't know about where you live but for me we are doing the 50/50 split on child care and I still have to pay child support based on that I made more $ then W. Its under $300 but if she was to have the kids all week and I got them every other weekend it was $1000 / month.
W lawyer is still in the process on writing the S agreement based on what W and I agreed to. Then next step is that I get it and go over the S agreement with my Lawyer, Haven't got there yet.
The other way to do it is for each item of the S agreement you both with separate L ask for what your L thinks a judge would grant if it went to court. With that thinking the Lawyers try to keep it out of court. This I guess is a longer and drawn out way of doing it. You also have to declare all financial assets and money. Your L should tell you all this.
I don't know if the way I am doing it is the best way or not but unfortunately this is the only way I can get the $40 thousand FIL is promising me if I keep it out of the courts.
Previous Thread:
Ghost Busting Round Six - it's about me BTW, Cadet may merge your threads since you only have 75 postings on the previous thread.
It feels like a merry go round the last few days have been calm with nothing being eiscussed by either of us,W has still not contacted an estate agent to have the house valued and she even said yesterday that if all three of our children still want to remain in the house together and want this ....then even tho she does not want this she will stay in house seperated from me ....this is not the life that I want I want us to find a path back together.
I have to do the very best for my family and I still want what is best for all of us and when I say us I still include my W in that why do I stil care.
I would rather do nothing and remain in this limbo than face the consequence of only seeing my daughter and other childre part time three times a week if I am,lucky
Whilst I have my children then my W is also arround but she is not really here in any loving mannor and just feels like she is trying to get more and more distant.
Her not talking to me txting me wanting to be with e is a choice that she is making
I am [censored] weak she does not love me she did but not now and here,I go into spin mode
Why can I not just accept that it is over and stop clinging on to hope that in time she will come around
So Do nothing and remain as I am .....will this change anything ....or do something and loose the life I have ...for something better or worse ?
I,am scared about the future in so any ways
I do not want to be alone,without a loving partner to make me feel complete but I do not wat someone new
I have booked an appointment,with a soliciter and I wonder if we should both go have the conversation together.
I know it is about protecting me ...I do want to listen I do try and listen however every step is a step closer to being on my own
AAAAAAAAAAAAgh G,
protect yourself, your W does not give a flying fcuk about you. PROTECT YOURSELF and then tend to the kids. You have to get off the roller coaster, or you will lose it. Quite literally. You are spinning and you listen to no one and stil hoping for that magic bullet. It is not coming. Get the fcuk over it.
Man up. Do the right thing. Stop whining...
And again you seem to have a couple of 100 K in equity and you are whining? Reality check!
Hi ATP, the L visit is purely for you to get your own advice in this sitch. I wouldn't even consider going together. Presumably if your W also wants to benefit from L advice, she will source her own L too...
Ghost , as the others have said the L is for you. I going to be blunt here , if W stays and announces OM what do you do then. ? Roll over and let her see someone else while you babysit the kids
Of course your still spinning but you need to slow down. Your worth someone's love and not scraps that W may or may not feed yo
What message will her staying give the kids , what state will your mind be in when W goes out to her clubs and comes home at 3 or 4am or not at all
this is a tough time but you have to deal with it. I'm sorry but your clinging on to a M that's gone Maybe one day a new M might start but maybe not
You need to see the lawyer , you need separate for your mental health
You love you kids obviously and you need to put them first and living in a house with the tension yours has and will have is no environment for children
Just my opinion Ghost Your in a lot of pain but this route will only make it worse
Take care. Rd
I am [censored] weak she does not love me she did but not now and here,I go into spin mode
Why can I not just accept that it is over and stop clinging on to hope that in time she will come around
So Do nothing and remain as I am .....will this change anything ....or do something and loose the life I have ...for something better or worse ?
I,am scared about the future in so any ways
I do not want to be alone,without a loving partner to make me feel complete but I do not wat someone new
I have booked an appointment,with a soliciter and I wonder if we should both go have the conversation together.
I know it is about protecting me ...I do want to listen I do try and listen however every step is a step closer to being on my own
G -
I think you are a lot like me. You would bend over backwards for her "to show her" things can be better. That is b/c you are emotionally involved. This does not work b/c your "bending" is more of the same weak behavior. You need to be strong, confident, etc. Even if you are faking it.
You want her back? Take a stand. Work with a lawyer and have her served.
Hi Ghost
Ok, I'm seeing lots of parallels here with me. My W wanted to sell the house and took a long time about getting the estate agents in. All the time I believed this was a sign she was turning; she did not.
She would talk about not hurting me or the kids. Again, I saw this as a sign; it was not.
There are lots of things that you will see, hear her say, but none of it will get her to change her mind right now. It's making you look weak and pathetic. I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but one day, like me, you wake up and realise that you can't make anything better, no matter what you do. If your W decides to turn back (trust me, you will see signs when you're apart) she will want to return to a MAN.
You've been spinning for so long now, I don't know if there is any way back for your W. Let her sell the house, let her live her life - she might not like it.
Ghost,
I am sorry for your sitch. I asked my H to move out in October when he said there was no hope for reconciliation. It was heart breaking and difficult. Sometimes, I wonder if it was the right decision. But, I will tell you this, I am no longer walking on eggshells or an emotional puddle every time I see him. I have changed tremendously for the better and I think it has helped my children not to see us fighting or angry with one another. I also am able to face my H with strength and boundaries that were too hard to enforce when he was still living with us. The D still seems to be proceeding and it was hard at first not to see my kids every day. But, I am so much healthier emotionally. I would never have made it the last 5 months if we would've been living together. Stay strong
Broke
I questioned asking w to leave as well. I look back and can't see another better solution for me.
Agreed, otw. It is so easy to question every decision or move made during this nightmare. I truly think that had I found divorce busting at the beginning I would have had a better shot at reconciling with the H. I made so many mistakes! But, I still have hope, not that I want to, but it isn't easy to give up on 25 years together after 7 months. Thanks, otw, for sharing. It is so helpful to know that others are going through the same thing....
Everything is moving along
I see a soliciter on Tuesday and then we will be putting the house on the market
My W has not been pressing for this but it does have to happen
My daughter is very unhappy and had been feeling suicidal and my wife and I have to try and protect her and if she says that she does not want to live with mummy and daddy then I will go I have to go I do not know if it will help her or my other children
I still feel that as a family we need to all go and talk to someone they do not want to
A new beginning is looming
Ghost x
Ghost
I know this is going to be really hard for you, but you are doing the right thing. Your priority is you and your kids and you will come out of this the other side OK - battered and bruised, but OK.
Don't overthink the future right now, concentrate on the present. Can I be so bold as to recommend you get professional help for your D? My SD required anti depressants at the start and this may help.
Hey AP,
My house just went on the market, Seems thing are moving near the same for us. You need to look into options of where you are going next. Start looking for another smaller house for you. You will feel a little better once you have a plan of where you are going after the house sells. Are you working on a separation agreement yet? Usually that needs to be done first before you sell. What did the lawyer say about it?
Try to get some ducks in a row for all of this AP. you can do it!!
Ghost,
I'm sorry things aren't progressing the way you would like. I wanted to tell you that we are basically making our 2 sons to go to counseling. They are 15 and 12. At first, they hated it. But, it has really been helpful. They go alone not as a family, so they can truly express their sadness and angry. I know teens can be impossible but it may help your daughter. I hope things improve when you get a plan together on how to move forward. Thinking of you and your kids ((hugs))
Thank you for being there for me
As you can see I have been spinning less I have been spending a little more time away from here and I have been coming to terms with what is happening a little more that I had
Personal trainer going well training hard each week and the weight is now starting to to come off I am looking still to loose 3 to 4 lbs a weel this is quite a lot but then I do have quite a lot of weight to loose
I still have feelings of why and surly this can be fixed but now I am not the one trying to fix this any longer
All I am doing is being the best that I can be and feel happy that this has made me into a better person
I have been getting along better with my daughter and this is great
Mother's Day I got my wife a couple of small gifts from our children and I gave her a card thanking her for the things that she does for our children and went arround to my mums house for a meal.
I am starting to get a plan together and I am really starting to think about my future options
Thank you all I have not been easy
Ghost
Glad to read this update. Sounds like you are getting your chit together & that's what needed to happen. I read more acceptance in your post...and no panic - which is good.
Take care xx
Hi sotto
More acceptance this is all I can do
I have a problem offering tough love
My W had a flat battery on her car yesterday and I bump started the car for her she did not know how I am not the kind of person not to do this I just feel that she wants this separation so she should have to stand in her own two feet in difficult times I just don't want to come across as an a$$
I am starting to get a plan together and I am really starting to think about my future options
Great news!
Everything is moving along
I see a soliciter on Tuesday and then we will be putting the house on the market
My W has not been pressing for this but it does have to happen
My daughter is very unhappy and had been feeling suicidal and my wife and I have to try and protect her and if she says that she does not want to live with mummy and daddy then I will go I have to go I do not know if it will help her or my other children
I still feel that as a family we need to all go and talk to someone they do not want to
A new beginning is looming
Ghost x
Get your daughter to a counselor. Now. This is not about you and any sacrifices you might make, but about saving your daughter's life.
Ghost...
I agree with Painter. Take you daughter to someone. Have her talk to someone without you or her Mom present. You don't want to wait. It does not have to be a family thing. It can be all about your daughter.
I'm going to give you some tough love now....
You wrote a card....
"Mother's Day I got my wife a couple of small gifts from our children and I gave her a card thanking her for the things that she does for our children and went arround to my mums house for a meal."
Did you then write her another card thanking her for not working on the relationship, breaking up the family and selling the house? Maybe I'm out of line. But what was your real motivation for the card. Was it... that if maybe she read the write words she would give you a hug and the hug would turn to a kiss and the kiss would turn into a relationship?
Car....
"My W had a flat battery on her car yesterday and I bump started the car for her she did not know how I am not the kind of person not to do this I just feel that she wants this separation so she should have to stand in her own two feet in difficult times I just don't want to come across as an a$$"
Did she call you and ask for help? If so, why not call her a tow truck? Was it perhaps that showing her an act of kindness would bring her back?
Doing your best or being your best does not mean you have to be her Mr Fix It or Mr Nice Guy. Those are positions for BFs or Hs. I suppose there are many different avenues or strategies for bringing a relationship back to life. Multiple people follow DB through tough love, and some stories are about "befriending" people back together.
I think a better frame of reference for you may be this. If you were in another relationship and she called, what would you do?
If you were in another relationship and she called about her car... What would you do? I'd call a tow truck.
I don't mean for this to be over the top. I just saw a pattern and thought it was worth exploring.
Regardless, help your daughter and put her first. Try to find out what stressors are triggers for her and minimize them.
Ok so I have a question
If I speak to my daughter and the Reason for her unhappiness is that mummy and daddy are still living in the same house yet they are seporated and she wants to live in separate house...do I then move out ....or if she says she is unhappy because mummy and daddy are splitting up then do I talk to W qgain ..this is not going to change wife's decision to separate
I get that things had to change in our relationship I did not see that splitting up is the only way forward .
You need to have the conversation first, and then find the answer. Not find the answers and then have the conversation. You also can't use your D as a way to motivate your W. That won't work. Your W needs to see the damage she is doing for herself. Experience is the best teacher.
D is going to be upset about the separation. You are also raising a girl to be smart, strong and resourceful (right)... Taking her to work through it on her own with someone is important and may be the only solution.
Hi Ghost. You are sounding better but still not quite where you need to be. Your W has made it clear she is out of the M. If you accept that's how she feels now then you have full control over how you deal with it.
Guilt will not bring her back and if it did , for how long ?
Money issues won't bring her back and if they did , for how long ?
Pity won't bring her back and if it did , for how long ?
Do you get my drift ???
The ONLY way you want W back is if she wants to be with you End of story
Let's say D wants the family to stay together and you tell W this , what's the BEST case scenario ? She stays out of guilt and once D is better W is gone again
i too want my W back and she's being temp testing for almost a year but I act as if and get on with my life Until my W asks to work on a new R then anything else isn't acceptable to me because I'l deserve someone who loves and respects me AMD SO DO YOU I was with W for 25 years and we have 4 kids. Don't sell yourself short , you trying to hold on to the image of W and not who W really is now
Re D , my D15 is similar to your D and I dealt with it and never mentioned to W about her role in it because if W cannot see it for herself then nothing I say will change that I NEVER guilt trip W and deal with everything because I don't want W to be influenced by me because it will only rebound
Just my thoughts G because you need to let go any idea that you can influence your W in a positive way or a quick way.
Take care. Rd
Hi G,
See some improvement with you but still a long way to go.
1) If this is the same daughter who wants to BF to spend night over then stop treating her like a child. You are not daddy and W is not mummy. You are parents. She is not fragile. She is cleverer and tougher than you.
2) Can you see how f@cked up your sentence is? "the Reason for her unhappiness is that mummy and daddy are still living in the same house yet they are seporated and she wants to live in separate house...do I then move out"? What about other children? Dont they get a vote to keep you at home or does eveyone want you to leave? Secondly, why would she want to live in separate houses? Maybe you mean she wants to live with W? Then let her but you would be committing suicide by leaving. It is your house. If she is old enough to want you to leave she is old enough to decide to stay or go because you are not.
3) Why why why talk to W. What do you expect to get out of your W? How does doing that change anything?
as for your last sentence let it slide. it is more of the same G 1.0 asking the same questions or making the same comments.
Finally, many of the questions you ask you would not need to if you really worked on your self esteem and matured. Before asking questions think on the answers. I bet you know them already. Dont ask people for answers you want to hear.
Your question about moving out .. if everyone said yes you would come back some posts later giving reasons why you shouldnt or comment about some incident and make another question but you will not leave.
All of these issues G are really what have made you lose all this time. You have not changed deep down.
As a petrolhead to another petrolhead you have done a DIY paint job but never a real overhaul. Until you sandblast all the way down to the core and rebuild up you will never really move forward or on successfully.
Peace
Max
^^^^PURE GOLD^^^^
Max, you've done it yet again...
G, read and reread Max's last input. ACES!
So,not,sure,if,I am getting anywhere it has been 10 months since bing date and I still find myself breaking down in tears
It is becoming more and more clear to me that she is gone and will not be coming back I need to move myself to the next level but I really struggle with my feelings they always get in the bloody way
RD you have been fantastic and tithings you say I really do try to understand
I know that it will happen and that my two year old is going to be bought up by two parents who both love her but from a broken marriage.
I really struggle to see any positives and then thoughts of somone else bringing her up other partners for my wife or myself ..breaks my heart
I really do not want this to happen but I do not get to choose
Detaching and gal are two things I really need to grasp
Moving to smaller houses and for me to bring up four children on a part time basis scares me and upsets me
Nothing much to add other than I do not want to be the one to start this really moving even tho I might regret not doing so at a later time
My 12 year old is struggling with this as well
I have to start to de clutter room by room
I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow for my last session and then I am also seeing someone for some CBT. Therapy
My wife is in a very different position to me I realise that she has moved in and I am no longer a part of her life I want to be
Every day I am realising more and more that I have not been a great partner why I did not see this at the time I do not know
I am changing myself seeing a personal trainer three times a week and doing exercises in the other days I am eating healthy and the next few months I hope to see some dramatic changes with how I look
I have become a better dad to my children and I have been a better man towards my W we have lived in house together and this has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
A lot of what I am writing here is rambling and has been said by me many times ...sometimes I just have to vent so please stay with me while I try to accept fully that my marrage is over and the life that I had is over.
My children deserve better my W deserved Better I deserve better yet I still cannot see that living apart from my W will not make things better yet it might.
My twelve year old has become very clingy and putting him through this breaks my heart
First of all, you are not putting your children trough it, your wife is. Although it is true that your W is not 100% at fault fot the demise of your marriage, you are not either.
Secondly, you say that you cannot see how living apart from your W can make things better, but in 10 months of living with her did it get ANY better? I think not. I think time away from W will do you a world of good. Sure, there will be an adjusting period required, but from then on things will be improving. Of course the kids will need an adjustment period as well, and they will need all the love you can spare.
Make sure you improve for yourself and not in a weak attempt to "win" your W back. The benefits of a better you are enormous. Be sure to thank the higher power every day, because you are blessed. You have 4 beautiful children, you have a roof over your head and food on your table, that makes you well ahead of at least 4 billion people.
Stay strong. IMO the separation will do you a wold of good...
Hi G , no one minds when you vent , that's normal I think one of the biggest things we have to accept is that our sitchs are not unique. Of course we all have twists and some are much worse than others but yours is not one of the bad ones
Can we look at the positives ,
4 beautiful kids
A full time job that you love
Your health
Food on the table
A chance to improve you
That's a whole lot more than many others
The positives in your sitch
W is not being the worst,
No OM shoved in your face
Your have full access to your kids
finically you will be ok
Read some sitchs on here G and the pain people are put through is more than I could take My point is be grateful for what you do have as opposed to what you don't.
We all completely get how you feel , really we do. My Ws hair has started falling out , she has no money and is on anti Ds , I love this woman and have to stand by and let her continue down her path BECAUSE it's NER CHOICE It breaks my heart to see her this way. She was a strong , independent person and now she's like a shell of her former self but I have no choice I help were I can and if asked but other than that I let her get on with it
This is what we are trying to get you to understand , we all feel your pain and get why you are where you are emtionally and want to to slow down , listen to the advice and follow DB I've been on here for well over a year and seen lots of people come and go and whatever happens in their sitch, it takes time , a long time and that's what you need to accept
Your W is 100% certain life will be better without you and maybe she's right or maybe she's wrong but either way she is determined to see That's crap for you and terrible for the kids BUT the kids will learn to cope and you will too.
Again , we all know how you feel , if we didn't we wouldn't be on this site In the first place Accept what is and let W do her own thing Improve G for Gs sake and live your life One day you will see W is not your whole world , it just seems that way right now
Today's a new day G , how about from today own , G accepts his reality and live accordingly , the pain will lesson with time and hard work on your part
Take care , Rd
Please discuss with your counselor about your how you hoard your thoughts and cannot let go of them.
I hope the CBT will help you in this area.
I continue to be impressed with how you work to get in better physical shape. I know it is not easy and takes self-discipline. That says something good about you, Ghost.
Has any appointments been made for your D17 to receive therapy?
Cbt was a no go the guy said I need to speak to relate to accept the marrage is over and come to terms with what is happening complet waste of time
My daughter will not go to therapy
W still wants to be in separate houses and I am actually starting to feel that this is going to be the best option
Being in house and the W wants nothing to do with me is unwilling to work on things so things cannot improve
She said I am going out tonight obviously I cannot ask where and when will she be getting back just have to watch her go and accept it it breaks my heart
I am at work day time and she throws it back at me so what is changing as I am not arround to do my share of the housework this leads to extra resntment
Nothing I do is good enough never was and now never will be
I am feeling that I am DONE
completely out of ideas feeling lost
Going to re read this thread
RD your advice has been great and I need to get my ass in gear
What does done look like?
Cbt was a no go the guy said I need to speak to relate to accept the marrage is over and come to terms with what is happening complet waste of time
WOW! Unbelievable! When Coach was here, he couldn't say enough good things about it, however, that was a few years ago. You must have gotten a lemon. Did someone say it was to help you with your MR?
My daughter will not go to therapy
If she is making suicidal threats, she may not get a vote. There is always a chance she is becoming a product of what she sees in her mother. She disrespects, gets dramatic, threatens, and throws fits when she doesn't get her way. Most kids want their parents to stay together, but this one wants her parents to split so she can live in a separate house. What does that tell you?
I am at work day time and she throws it back at me so what is changing as I am not arround to do my share of the housework this leads to extra resntment
I guess she wants you to skip work and stay home doing all of her jobs. So much for all that housework you were doing!
Nothing I do is good enough never was and now never will be
You've got that right!
RD your advice has been great and I need to get my ass in gear
I think we are all in agreement.
Ghost,
Sorry you are going through this. I agree with a lot of what was said….
- you have much to be thankful for (I know it is hard to see - I try to keep a gratitude journal to remind me daily because it can be tough)
- D17 should have to get therapy if she is suicidal
- keep working on you (the working out is great)
I just wanted to share that my H moved out in October (over 5 months ago after 3 months of living in turmoil). Honestly, I don't know how you and W are even managing to live together after 10 months of the drama that surrounds our situations. Being separated physically has helped me become a better mom, stop being incredibly stressed by the situation and small things, stop being so enraged in front of the kids, work on my 180's and GAL goals. While my H has filed for D and we look headed there, being separated has allowed me to breathe again and find my voice again. I feel healthier. Your kids probably can feel the tension in the home - maybe it will help everyone.
I wish there was more that I could say to comfort you. Put the focus on you and your kids. You are stronger than you know.
Done looks like ....sandis rule book and keeping to it done looks like putting me first and finding some way to start to accept this for what it is
G, I would really love it if you stopped wiggling like a there is a fire lit unde3r your ass and making excuses why you are not getting your ass in gear.
Stay strong buddy and lay off the hard stuff..
Cbt was a no go the guy said I need to speak to relate to accept the marrage is over and come to terms with what is happening complet waste of time
WOW! Unbelievable! When Coach was here, he couldn't say enough good things about it, however, that was a few years ago. You must have gotten a lemon. Did someone say it was to help you with your MR?
no it is about my thinking I thought it might help but the guy was ...cbt is not what you need so I will speak to relate marrage councillors to see if they can help me to come to terms with this My daughter will not go to therapy
If she is making suicidal threats, she may not get a vote. There is always a chance she is becoming a product of what she sees in her mother. She disrespects, gets dramatic, threatens, and throws fits when she doesn't get her way. Most kids want their parents to stay together, but this one wants her parents to split so she can live in a separate house. What does that tell you?
I know my W has been speaking to her about when we go into separate houses I do not know what else she has been saying and tbh I cannot influence things so it will be what it will be I am at work day time and she throws it back at me so what is changing as I am not arround to do my share of the housework this leads to extra resentment[ from my W to me because in her eyes I still am not doing my share /quote]
I guess she wants you to skip work and stay home doing all of her jobs. So much for all that housework you were doing! Yes complete bollocks nothing I do or did was ever good enough for her
[quote]Nothing I do is good enough never was and now never will be
You've got that right!
RD your advice has been great and I need to get my ass in gear
I think we are all in agreement.
It really is not easy being in an in house separation and all I can say is I do realise that I am stronger than I thought I was.
So I look arround the house and I keep thinking to myself when I go into my own house what do I take ...what items do I take with me pots pans knifes forces spoons plates toaster or do I just start a fresh with a few memories of the house as Posable
Do people regret not taking more than they did or do they regret taking not enough items and wish they had taken more than they did.
sandi I do not have words that I can give to you to thank you for being there for me I am a long way from moving forwards with my life but day by day I do feel stronger
How do I know anymore if I am doing the right thing ...I do not know what the right thing is for the children I do not want to be selfish this is not just about me never has been ...I have to do the right thing for the little ones.
I thought that trying to rebuild a family was the right thing W will not work on it so this leaves me with very few options and it is because she does not want to work on things that the tension is still there and the eggshells are under our feet
You can't make another person love you. None of us can.
Focus on you and the boys. How you will get another house and fix it the way you three guys want it. Talk positive to the boys about how the three of you will do things together and how the whole house will be a man's cave.
I think when you actually get down to splitting things in the house, you may see more of W and D17's selfishness come forward. The sentimental things are the items that can't be replaced. Maybe you and W need to make separate lists of what you want, and then discuss it, if possible.
Hey AP,
Hang in there you are not done. you have a lot of work to do.
How far are you two with the separation agreement. that really needs to be the first thing you two do.
Also after your house is on the market you need to get approved for your next place based on what payments you will be making to W in the S agreement. From there you will know what you can buy for your next place.
I am going through this right now, you need to get moving on this stuff. Also let W take her part in it as well. Let her do most of the work as you don't want this but don't be the reason its not moving forward.
You can do this.
I can see where you had problems with your counsellor Ghost.
In the UK, Relate etc. are set up to manage the end of relationship (when the two of you are the ends of the scale) instead of trying to fix it when you're lower down the scale. It's wrong, but having done it myself, you're better off on the forums. It's cheaper and more helpful getting advice on here!
Thank you huddy
Every morning I wake up and for that split second I either believe that I still have some hope or that I am still in a marrage then it hits me with the reality
My W is too far gone I believe there is too much at stake but I have done all the wrong things
The last few months I have not been pursuing her but she just seems to be getting further and further from me so I try to accept this
I just want to talk to her but this does not help it never has so no point on that one
She is not the woman that I married she has changed and I do not play a part of her happiness
I feel happier having now spoken to a soliciter and have the advice that perhaps thing will be ok for me
Day by day trying to keep strong fearing that one day she will meet with someone else and I do not know how I will cope with that day
I have to get out of this before that day ....long before that day
Thanks
Ghost
Well the days and the weeks go by and I still am no closer to moving out
I still spin and even tho I realise she will go through this I fight it I am still scared of being alone and not seeing my children everyday
I today tried putting myself in her shoes and tried to see it from her view
We are at very diffentent places
She really does not want very much to do with me
She does not want to spend time with me
She does not want to work in a relationship
She wants out
She wants to move on with her life
She probably feels trapped
She probably feels angry
She,probably feels bitter
She probably is unable to trust me
She does not believe my words
She no longer loves me
Have I missed anything
So the reality is i Cannot fix her and I have no control over this
She will do what she will do I know right now she is zero percent interested in making anything better and her better is separate Houses and divorced.
I do not want to be the one to instruct solicitors and I will probably regret not doing this once she has filed but in a strange way I still hope to be able to turn this around
While I am in house separation with her I can show her my changes tho they mean nothing to her and I really do not know how I can in affect change her mind.....I cannot she would have to want to do that
So.i have to get used to the idea of her being intermit with another man I have only ever been with her and she with me I know I have said that about a million times.
I have get used to seeing my kids less of the time
Perhaps my W meeting someone and them bringing up my children ....I hate this idea I am meant to be the dad not some other random stranger.
I have to get used to living without my partner of 25 years ...how the heck do I do this ?
I know I am not the first person to be in this position and I will not be the last
Hi G , this is so tough but it is reality so while I completely understand how your feeling , I was with W for 25 years , you need to move forward
W hurt you really badly but she did it once , you are hurting yourself every day , and you have to stop. Baby steps , GAL , get an activity that you enjoy and throw tyourself into that You are the solution here G , no one can make you feel better but you.
W has a journey to go on and she's taking it regardless of all else Maybe that journey has you in it at some point but not for a long time
I've read all your posts and your W isn't being cruel or nasty so be grateful for that
While I'm not in your shoes G , I am in mine and I've felt your pain and analysed Ws every word and action with the hope see would see sense but who's sense , mine or hers. I'm not a bad guy and neither are you but we have to accept that this is how life is , we could be in a wheelchair , blind , dead even and never have the chance to be happy again We have that chance so should we waste it or grab it with both hands
You and W separating could be the best thing ever G , who knows what in store for you Either way this is your reality so accept and become the best G possible
Think positive and follow DBing because it's the way through this
Stay strong mate. Rd
G, it is about time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and got your ass in gear a bit. No, you are not a poor helpless hatchling, you are a man, SO START ACTING LIKE ONE.
G, you should follow the title of your thread and accept what is happening. Need a plan to move forward and be ATPeace as per your new alias.
G, it is paramount that you reach the conclusion, that you will be fine either way. Why would you not be just fine without your W?!?
I do feel that I will be ok with or without my W I guess it comes down to how I would feel seeing her happy with another person and having that person bringing up my children and not having any control over this ....my youngest is just two so if my W met new man in 1 year of 5 years time she will still only be 7 and potentially end up calling him daddy ...I guess you do not need to be a birth parent to be classed as a daddy to a child ....
I should be happy that she is happy I just think if I had done things differently then perhaps we might still be together and I would not be here so I take a Lot if not all the blame for the breakdown of our marrage
It also comes down to the point that I thought that I could fix this I was wrong
RD
Thank you for your wise words again baby steps
Why in the world do you think you can not control her bringing other men around your children? Yes after divorce is final you have no say but during a separation you have power to have that written in to agreement.
Even if you are going directly to a divorce why do you think this other man will be raining your children and them calling him daddy? You are acting as if you are not going to get 50/50 custody and just disappear.
You are their father. They know it and will never be able to replace you. I was brought up in a split home from 6 on. Never once was my father replaced.
Yes there were other men around but they were not my father or daddy.
You have got to get out of this " what if " funk. Or if I could have.
You are going to find yourself saying it again in a few years about the time you are in right now. You are not living in the present. You are living in the past and future.
How is that possible?
As long as you gain at least partial custody of your kids, there will be no question who their father is.
Hi Ghost, there are still many What if's and How will I's in your sitch. I think the best approach is to accept 'what is, is', know that you will cope and set about making the best life possible given all circumstances.
You still tend to go down pointless thought avenues - like how will I feel if she meets a guy. I would say there's enough to deal with in the present - and best to focus on that. Your thoughts will inevitably roam to these 'pointless' places, but then it's time to 'thought stop' and get your mind on to a better track.
Just keep moving forward my friend - one step at a time, one day at a time xx
I'm going to comment on one of your worries.
Your kids will always know who their father is. You are dad, and there will be no question, as long as you are spending time with them. Even if it's not all the time.
In my sitch, my ex left me when our first and only baby was 6 months old. She is now 8. He brought his OW in my baby's life almost immediately. I has my daughter majority of the time, but I struggled so hard that she would see them together and figure they were mom and dad. My ex leaving me wasn't the worst. The thought of my daughter thinking of some other woman as her mother was what killed me and left me angry for years.
Good news though. He did end up marrying his affair partner. They will be married 5 years on April fool's day. While my daughter has a love for her stepmother, she knows who her mother is, who raised her, and she never, ever questioned it. I've accepted a lot, and even though I do not agree with what my ex's wife did (have an affair with a pregnant woman's husband) at this point, she is an adult in her life who loves her and I accept her as that. But I will always be my daughter's mother, nothing will ever ever change that, just as you will always be your kid's father. Nothing can change that. Be in their lives, and you have not a worry. I can tell you this from experience.
As far as the other spinning and cycling and ruminating over the same things over and over, you just need to stop repeating the same thing. Use the stop sign when those thoughts enter your head, as mentioned above. You've got to deal with the situation as it is, not as you think it should be.
Hi just thought I would post an update
Still not much has changed in my sitch I am however getting closer and closer to acceptance. How will I know when I am there I guess will go along with her wishes To sell the house I know when this happens she will file for divorce
I seem to cycle less there really is nothing that i can do to stop her from taking this path. She has absolutely no desire to work on repairing anything.
I am resigned to what is going to happen I do not like it and do not want it but I can see that there can be no growth while still living together neither of us can move forwards.
My Wife told me that all she ever wanted was for me to do my share arround the house spend quality time with the children, she knows I am prepared to do anything to do whatever it would take to save this repair this make things better but she completely refuses to even consider this as an option.
Over the past 10 months I have told her so many times how sorry I am I have changed how much time I spend with the children i do much more arround the house I am everything I should have been during our marrage but it is all too late for her.
I have been working in myself joined a gym ....quit the gym and decided a that three times a week with a personal trainer is for the the way forwards
I have been training for a month at the start he took my measurements and I really was not sure if I had changed much well I am shrinking
Two inches off my chest
Three inches off my waist
One inch off my thigh
1/2 inch off my kneck
And all this I know I could have done more than that I could have worked harder so this month I am looking to do at least the same if not more than this
I have signed up for six months initially and if I can repeat the above then there is going to be some massive changed to the way I look
I am feeling better about myself and I know I will be alright at the end
The life I have and the life that I will have will be very different but I will be fine.
The help from here has been incredible and without it I would not be here
Thank you all
Much love
Ghost
Hi Ghost
Stop apologising. Carry on what you're doing. You're becoming abetter man. Relax, move out and see what happens. You can do this bud!
Agree with Huddy 100% , you've apologised so stop now You keep saying she refuses to work on it , are you still asking her ??
G , this is going to be ok for you with or with out W. Your going through a tough time but look at the positives for you. Your healthier , slimmer (. Huge congrats and very well done ) and you see your part in M breakdown. Move forward from here That's done. Become the very best G you can and if W doesn't want you then her loss mate
Acceptance is key and fake it until you make it. Each day is a day G decides how he will feel NOT W by her actions or words
Take care. Rd
Keep up the good work Ghost. Actions speak louder then words so show her. Display strength and confidence coming from that fit and trim body while you do not pursue her. Fake it till you make it.
RD I am sounding like a flipping broken record going over the same [censored] over and over again.
why is it that I feel that I am copying with this worse than other people in the same position ..I guess it is because this is my sitch and it is happening to me on my sitch.
I have so little body confidence and I really think so very little about myself right now
I need to get out and love myself I do not want to meet anyone else how can I put anone else above my children I guess in time this may happen but I guess in my mind I just think that other women will be repulsed by me and my weight and how my body looks even if I loose weight which I am doing I fear that I will end up with stretch marks and lots of saggy skin. I am scared that I am unlovable and undesirable,
Ok so all the cards going down on the table I am also not body confident when It comes to the size of my manhood so the leaves me worried about forming a new relationship
I have only,ever had the one partner so I am very shy and inexperienced
Possibly too much information
Just need to vent cannot sleep
The other thing I keep thinking about is I work from 9:30am to 5pm Monday to Friday and Saturday mornings until 1pm .....my W works some nights so I get home she might sort out the eldest daughter collects her from her activity and then comes home gets in the bath for 7 pm to leave for work at 7:50 to 8pm so ...we might get to see each other for a few hrs
How would I ever hope be able to rebuild a loving relationship spending this much time with each other
Cheesless ...hopeless
Ghost
RD I am not talking her asking her to work on things we just pass like ships in the night
I want to work on spending more time together doing things with each other in the hope that we could build a new relationship but with the times that I work and the times that she works how can this be repaired especially as she does not want it to be.
She is content just to let us drift further and further apart until there is nothing
My two year old will grow up knowing that mummy and daddy love her very much but that mummy does not love daddy and they have to live apart
Cycle time I just want this to be fixable but I cannot fix this
I don't think any woman worthy of your love is going to worry about stuff like that. I think this is more about your own sense of self worth and your worry that (because your W has rejected you) you may not be worthy of love. Brene Browns TED talks are worth a look.
I imagine like many of us, you were made as a child to somehow feel not enough. Are you still seeing your IC and exploring areas like these?
We all have parts of our bodies we like less than others - probably if someone else saw them, they would wonder why we were worrying.
You are worthy of love, but focus on building up your self esteem and sense of worth for now xx
Hi G , I think you accepting that your in a chesseless tunnel is a big step forward and as for dealing with it worse than others , maybe but maybe your more honest.
I was happily surprised at your weight loss as it shows you can decide to do something and follow it through It is your stich so obviously you have to live it day by day BUT your is far from bad in regard to how your W is treating you
As regards to your looks and other future partners. Any genuine lady will be attracted to you and not just your looks G , I'm not an attractive man but I have no problem meeting ladies and trust me it's not based on my looks !!!!!
As for you self image problems downstairs , least of your worries mate , When you get that far in an R , the person in question won't be carrying a ruler !!
Your right about no chance of a R with W right now , she's not interested because she's going to be so much happier on her own ---- THIS IS HOWS SHE FEELS RIGHT NOW ---- Feelings change G but for now accept this is how W is thinking and everything else is an obstacle stoping her getting there
Stay strong G , you are turning a corner , just don't stop as your half way round it
Take care. Rd
hey AP,
How is your part of the separation agreement going? Are you doing the work to protect you and your kids?
Not done anything with the separation agreement yet she has not even been to see a soliciter
I am currently in no hurry to move things forward tho I do realise I need to be strong and take control of this
Hi Ghost - so you say you're in no hurry to move things forward but realise you need to be strong and take control of this.
Do you mean separating. Yes, if you've decided you guys need to separate (and posters would seem to concur) then start to make your own plans. As a general rule, I would take control of any areas needed to get you and the family settled and sorted. Those would include housing, financial and custody/visitation arrangements.
For me, I've tried to be solid and pro active in terms of self-preservation/protection of myself - getting due legal advice and holding out for a fair division of our assets. However, in terms of divorce - having told H that isn't what I want - I have merely reacted. I sit back and let those event be led by him, I'm advised by my L and I respond. Because it isn't 'my' divorce, it's 'his.'
Hope this helps a little - I guess I'm just saying. Get to a point of clarity on your game plan and understand where you need to take a lead and where you will leave your W to move things along (or not.)
Xx
I want to work on spending more time together doing things with each other in the hope that we could build a new relationship but with the times that I work and the times that she works how can this be repaired especially as she does not want it to be.
She is content just to let us drift further and further apart until there is nothing
I feel the reason you are stuck is b/c you vacillate between saying what we have told you about needing to separate from her.....and what you have said above.
I would think every LBS has the same desire as you do. Sometimes, we have to accept the fact that what we
want and what we need to
do are two different roads.
You see separating as ending the M. However, if you would go ahead and just do it.....it might eventually be the start of a new MR. You can see that staying in the same house is not working.
Hey AP,
I agree with Sandi,
The separation is not the end, Everything in my sitch is set up for us to have two houses now once the current one sells.
I have not been thinking its the end. It has taken a lot of pressure off the sitch. And yes I realize that it may end in D but it is also a chance for something new to evolve. And because we are DBing and have kids you will always have contact and W will be in a situation to be able to see your DBing progress.
You said nothing is moving forward with the separation. Is W happy with that or is she still saying that living with you is not a true separation?
I agree to hold off and let her do the work. I also thought that W was moving ahead with the separation work. If she does then you also do what work you need to do for your side. For me I held off until W sent a letter from a lawyer that either I worked on a separation agreement or W was going to take me to court. I started to work on the S agreement by seeing a lawyer first. Then we worked out the bulk of the issues. W lawyer wrote up the agreement. Now I just have to see my lawyer to sign it.
My W could not see my changes because she was so worked up about getting a S agreement. now that is out of the way she can see me and my changes.
Where is your W now with the way it is in the house?
I'll add my agreement to everybody else here, you need to get some space here from your W. Just in case you missed it I REGRET NOT MOVING OUT OR SEPARATING AT THE START AS I THINK IT WOULD BE OVER BY NOW. Sorry for pointing it out, again, but whilst I can see you are improving yourself (gym etc.) I think your W won't notice because you are both wrapped up in stress and anxiety.
Yes, it's gonna be really hard and everybody here knows exactly what the feeling is like. We all wish it was over, but doing nothing and sitting wringing your hands for an answer isn't gonna help. Be proactive, not reactive. A house is just bricks - it's what's in it that's worth fighting for.
Come on man, you can do this!
I want to work on spending more time together doing things with each other in the hope that we could build a new relationship but with the times that I work and the times that she works how can this be repaired especially as she does not want it to be.
She is content just to let us drift further and further apart until there is nothing
I feel the reason you are stuck is b/c you vacillate between saying what we have told you about needing to separate from her.....and what you have said above.
I would think every LBS has the same desire as you do. Sometimes, we have to accept the fact that what we
want and what we need to
do are two different roads.
You see separating as ending the M. However, if you would go ahead and just do it.....it might eventually be the start of a new MR. You can see that staying in the same house is not working.
Hi sandi thank you for checking in with me I have good days and bad days even good hours and then bad hours
I think he reason that I see the separation as the ending of the marrage is because my wife is adament that when the house sells she will divorce me
What I do know is being in the house with her right now is not fun
The past 25 years she has told me everywhere she has gone out and we talked about who and wher she went not all she says is u am out tonight so my mind races
If we're in seperate houses then I do not get to see this
Things do have to change I know this
Huddy
I am getting closer very much closer
Hi I have still not been able to bring myself to say to my W that I do not want to Carry on with the current living arrangements it breaks my heart to be. In the same house see my W talk to her have her arround but not want to be with me ..,yet I cannot find the strength to pull her to one side and say to her that we need to live apart ...yet I know this is what she wants
I am not much of a man I need to find my balls I know this is not much of a life....and I can do better than this ....do I want to get together with another person ....probably not at least not right now but do I want to be living apart from a partner ....no .....I also know that this current arrangements is leaving my W very unhappy and it must be starting to affect my children as well.
I believe that once I start the process of living in separate houses then there is no turning back and I fear what if it destroys the kids or if I cannot cope and I still cannot see the possibly benefits I cycle arround and arround and I get no where
I know this has all been said before many times I need to take the responsibility to move forwards but I cannot....so I do not .
I feel so weak and this is what my W sees all the time.
[censored]
Ghost
Hey AP,
My house has sold.
Is there no turning back?
Not to the same house but a house is just bricks and mortar, it just a house just like the millions of other houses out there.
Is there turning back?
Yes, it gives you a chance at R but you need to loose the bad sitch you are in now to have the possibility of going back to a better MR.
What you will have with out the current house is a chance for a new start. A hope that with so much shaken up and change that what's left is all new. A new beginning. The unhappiness that your wife is feeling can not be blamed on the living sitch anymore. It cannot be blamed on you for keeping her in this sitch anymore. It allows you to be free from the blame and then your W will be left to see the unhappiness was hers to own.
Do what works and change what doesn't. Living in house S is not working for you, for as hard as it is you need to change it.
This is not Divorce.
This is Separation.
Let W file for D if that is what she wants. If you don't want D you don't file.
Got to agree with Vise. My house is sold, we're physically separated, is there no turning back? If there was no chance of a return, would I not be spending every waking minute on dating websites instead of popping in to DB?
Look, you can see it's not doing you any good, so why put up with the misery? You're going to the gym and improving yourself, but your W is too close to see the changes and she is obsessed with getting rid of you, so she can't see how her life will be with you not there.
I think you need to make practical arrangements with your W about selling the house and making arrangements for your kids. It's the only way forward, otherwise the damage may become lasting.
I believe that once I start the process of living in separate houses then there is no turning back and I fear what if it destroys the kids or if I cannot cope and I still cannot see the possibly benefits I cycle arround and arround and I get no where
Look carefully at what you've stated above. You are scared to death of "what ifs". You ask what if it destroys the kids. I am asking
you what is it doing to them while they are living in this present situation? Look at your daughter and know that
that will also be your boys, shortly, if something doesn't change. At least, if you had your own place, you would be able to provide a better atmosphere than they are getting now.
And then you ask the question that truly states, I believe, your biggest fear. "What if I cannot cope"? I ask you, are you coping
now? I don't think so.
Then you add, "What if I cannot see the possible benefits and I cycle around and around, and I get nowhere"? Seriously Ghost, that is all you have been doing since you have arrived on the board. You spin & spin and you have gotten nowhere in the MR.
In other words, you have already been living in the things you fear. There is another fear you have that you didn't mention this time. It's your fear of being alone. You may be under the roof with others, but emotionally, you have been very lonely and sad.
You see how this situation has you paralyzed, and you have lost self-respect b/c you can't find the courage to tell her you need to separate. It really concerns me what this is doing to you.
You have become so co-dependent that you have lost yourself.
I believe any man who can do what you've done with his weight loss and workout program, has courage to do other things in his life. You have to believe in
yourself, Ghost. The strength is within you.
Hi G great advice from everyone. Read and reread it. You have to move forward and trust in yourself
Read the posts again !!!!!!!
Take care mate. Rd
Ghost, got your post. I came out of semi-hiatus to give you some words of encouragement.
The body does what feels good, the ego does what looks good, and the soul does what is good. The body, ego, and soul duke it out every day. Every time you give in to your lower self (body and ego) it lowers your self-esteem. Every time you do the right thing (what your soul knows is good), it raises your self-esteem. You cannot control your sitch, but you can control your response to it. In that sense, you have more power than you know. You have to leave the self-pity party (I have no balls, etc...) and go do the right thing. Like Sandi said, don't worry about the "what ifs". You know exactly what the right thing to do is - you said so in your post - now go do it.
Good luck,
RAI
P.S. This is something that I, too, struggle with. You are NOT alone.
Hi G. Just checking in Hope your good
Take care. Rd
Hello my friends I thought I would post an update to my sitch
My wife has told me in the past that she wants to sell the house and live apart yet right now we are not arguing and seem to be getting along better.
Yesterday we went out shopping for the garden and purchased loads of new flowers and hanging baskets she talked about how this year we can grow more strawberries and try growing some peppers and it feels like she is in no rush to leave she still has not been to see a solicitor no more clearing out the house yet I am still held under the constant fear of when she will push things forward and we cannot have relationship conversations.
So I went out with a couple of ladies that I know to a bar then a club I am not attracted to either of them they encouraged me to drink bought me a couple of shots during the night both of them came in to me .....one tried full on kissing me .....full on the mouth I am like hell no and then the other every chance to get close to me she would try kissing me and kept saying ....just go with the flow ...both of them have partners and I kept saying like no and one Kept saying it's ok and nothing's perfect like .....I am not going there no a flipping chance ......I was actually quite relieved when a total stranger took my arm turned me arround and started dancing with me.....only lasted a few minutes but non the less she made me feel desirable.
Things are much better between me and my eldest daughter we are talking more and I am actually teaching her to drive little or no fighting we are both putting in the effort.
I am so flipping confused as to what I want
I want to feel loved
I want to be with someone that loves me
I do not want to start a new life with someone else
I miss feeling close to someone
Sleeping on my own feels lonely
I know only I can make the change
Just venting I guess
I will move when I am ready ...just need to keep trying to get closer to this point
Ghost
Hi Ghost, I'm glad to read things seem to have settled a little with your W. And it's good to hear your R with your D has improved too.
But I was a little dismayed to read about your GAL and I hope you'll be able to find some activities that don't put you in that kind of uncomfortable situation. Spending time with other women who are (presumably) unhappy enough in their R's that they want to kiss some other guy probably isn't a great idea.
However, it sounds as though you are managing yourself a little better, which is of course the main thing.
Take care & hope you have a good week xx
Hi G. Well I didn't expect that in your update !!! As Sotto advises , keep a level head and know that your way to emtional for another R. On the plus side , it shows G is far from unloveable or desirable
On the W front , this is when relaxing back is even more important. W being nice could mean anything and mind reading never works.
Great news about you and D. A few months back you wouldn't have thought it possible but here you are
Carry on , carrying on working on G , life will be good again
Take care mate. Rd
I am so flipping confused as to what I want
I want to feel loved
I want to be with someone that loves me
I do not want to start a new life with someone else
I miss feeling close to someone
Sleeping on my own feels lonely
I see nothing confusing about this list. I think almost everyone would want the same things.
What is really confusing you?
I want to feel loved
I want to be with someone that loves me
I do not want to start a new life with someone else
I miss feeling close to someone
Sleeping on my own feels lonely
In one word, what you are longing for is - Intimacy! One of the hardest parts of being the LBS, at least for me, is the sudden and complete absence of intimacy. I think, with rare exception, every human being craves intimacy. A physical and emotional connection. Someone with whom to share. It is even harder when you have had intimacy and are suddenly deprived of it. I doubt I am making you feel better, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. It's tough. Really tough. I am sorry.
RAI
I guess you are right it is the intamacy that I am missing
It just feels so lonley and I am quite sure that my W is feeling similar thoughts
I realise I am in no position to strike up another relationship and that I have to love myself a heck of a lot of more that I do at the moment.
I still live in house and it is not easy at times however we do generally get along as a family I just can see how long term this cannot be good for the children.
Going to start a new thread
ghost
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...938#Post2666938New thread
Sandi you are the orical you have such knowledge but it is my fear of change that is holding me back my fear of being alone and the sence that I have let my W down and want to put things right
I do not want to be alone yet I can see that I am more alone than ever.
My W had four children not once has she said I cannot see them ...I can share them fifty fifty ....how can I rebuild attraction and intamacy
I will post on my new thread
Thank you all for being there for me
Ghost