Old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2651983&#Post2651983Thanks RD. Yes I know, but every now and then it gets frustrating! Anyway, the flat painting is going well (the guy should be finished fairly soon) so, i think I might get to go to a cheeky GAL activity today! Never did want much money anyway!
Yes, I feel strong, but that doesn't stop the nagging doubt that I might have got something wrong and if I'd done something differently, it would be different etc. etc. All nonsense, I know, but I wouldn't be human if I didn't question myself.
I'm being encouraged to go on one of those internet dating sites, but I'm not sure. People tell me that this may encourage W to think quicker about coming back, but my feeling is that this may well push her away further and cement her ideals.
There is no way to know how W will react, so I would not base your decision on what you think it may do to/for her or your relationship with her.
For me, I was not ready to start dating until I knew that I would not give up my relationship with the new person if XW ever turned around.
That said, as far as I remember, nobody has filed for any actual divorce in your case. So, are you actually ready to move on...?
Hi Azzork
No, probably not. I suppose the thing I crave is the company of a woman. Plain and simple I suppose. Just keep GAL'ing for now then!
The thought of dating scares the hell out of me.
I guess I won't be ready for a long time even though I have looked at internet dating websites. Mainly it was just to reassure myself that there are other women out there.
The touch , scent and company of a woman is what I also miss. It's 8 months since I had sex and just as along since I even kissed W
Isittoolate
I can relate to your post yes the idea of dating scares me too and to be honest I sometimes think fnck this who needs this but I stand by my marrage
I need to loose my fear of being alone and being without my wife life would actually be so much less stress and I feel I am getting to the point where I am realising that living in the same house is not much fun. Way too many triggers
W told me,she is going out Saturday to a bar with her girl friend so I need to child mind ....so my mind starts to race
Then she has a moan at me because I have not taken my daughter to her horse my daughter did not ask me to do it my daughter right now wants very little to do with me so my wife talks down to me in front of my daughter ......"so your the adult why did you not take her you have just been sitting there". No I have been doing some work.
I am no longer reacting to these outbursts and just remain silent.
I will get through this
Here is to a happier day
Morning all
So, how many of you are hiding under the bed this morning? Yes, it's valentines day, but it's just a day.
Don't spend all day holding your head in your hands, weeping, gnashing your teeth, get up and get out. It's what I'm gonna do!
Last year, I went all out for my W; the roses, the chocolates, the card etc. etc. and it didn't stop what hapenned, so don't ponder the what ifs and the whys, you're here for a short time, so make it a fun time!
Remember, it's just a ploy to make you buy lots of rubbish. If you love somebody, you don't need a day to show it!
I agree Huddy - well posted! For sure, it may not be the easiest day - but I hope we can all put our sitches on the 'back burner' and have the best day possible. Be grateful for the love and connections we have to others & celebrate that. As Huddy says, get out and about & make the most of today.
Huddy, I'm glad to read you are doing well. It sounds like your W's housing situation has improved a little, which is good for the kids I'm sure.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and I hope you have a good day. The sun is shining here & I'm having a party later for my D group chums.
Take care & thanks for being an inspiration to others here xx
I just wanted to drop by and say hi Huddy. It has been a long struggle for you, but you are going to be okay. I can tell your posts sound stronger.
I don't know about the dating sites, either. When I was in my waywardness, I was on one that seem to just want to find a f--k buddy (as was the term used). I do believe there are women out there that are in the same place as you find yourself, who are scared about getting into the dating scene again and really just want to enjoy the company of a man. Being honest and upfront about not looking for a committed R at the moment, and wanting to ease back into dating may be the way to approach it. But hey, what do I know about the dating scene? (lol)
Hi Huddy good post about Valentine's Day. I got a card from D11 so I couldn't ask for more !!!!
Your sounding strong Brother. It's good to hear.
Take care. Rd
Hey mate.
It's just a hall mark holiday IMO. Like you said, just and excuse to buy cr@p you don't want. Not that I'm not romantic or anything.
Anyway. Dating? Tough one mate. Very tough. Dip your toe and see where it does. Your BS meter is fully charged so you'll spot a fake a mile off. But no expectations. Desperation isn't an attractive trait.
Hi Folks
Thanks one and all for dropping by!
Well, I've had a nice walk and avoided all that valentines nonsense. Done all my washing, ironing and chores as well - a very productive day!
Hi sandi2 - honoured to see you on my thread! Ah, a f*** buddy! OK, that's very brave of you to admit that's what you wanted. I have looked on the internet and their are all sorts of weird and wonderful sites/sights out there, but I think I'll just try socialising for now.
I did go for a coffee with a lady last week. She was also separated. We both wanted to see what it was like. We got on very well, but she didn't think she was ready and I wasn't really wanting anything serious either. It was fun, however, just to chat to somebody of the opposite sex.
Three weeks to Hong Kong - yipee!
Random journaling. For my thought process rather than for people to read. Random typing!
So, W texts me yesterday asking if kids can come over as they have been asking for me. Yeah, no problem, bring them over. W arrives and tells me how my S's behaviour has been better this week (it's only Tuesday!)because he's 'been with you and spent time with you'. My son has severe autism. W then tells me how bad her new accommodation is - 'it's an old house and takes so much time to clean and keep warm' (I'm in a modern two bed) and talks about how much the kids miss me etc. and wonders if she could call me wen the kids are asking for me - no problem.
When W comes to pick the kids up later, she gives me more random chit chat about how bad her life is right now and about how much the kids miss me etc. I chat, validating her points but desperately inside want to say 'I told you so', but don't.
It's my birthday this weekend and she hasn't mentioned the kids giving me gifts etc. Not a worry as I generally don't celebrate birthdays, but there is a definite change there. Just gonna see how this cooks.
Sounding good Huddy. Her moods or thoughts can't influence yours until she makes it clear. Maybe she's seeing a break in the fog , maybe she's buttering you up for something. Either way , live your life and see what develops
Take care. Rd
It's my birthday! 44. How on earth did I get to that age? I still feel 21 inside!
Anyway, W called yesterday to say the kids wanted to come over Sunday and see me. No problems; we'd arranged for Monday, but she said the kids wanted to see me on my birthday. As they are too young to know it's my birthday, I'm a bit suspect.
I have noticed that W now starts every text/conversation with 'if you're in', requesting to know my whereabouts. Very odd.
Happy Birthday Huddy! I hope this year will be different then last year and you get what you need. Be well and enjoy your children.
Happy birthday Huddy. 44 , your only a youngster !! Have a great day Really glad that you got to see your kids
Take care brother. Rd
Thanks Guys!
W brought kids. She managed to bring some choclolates and a t shirt from the kids, but managed to forget the card! It's the thought that counts. She has just come for them and seemed quite pleasant and even gave me a smile. Still doesn't feel like she's changing although the questioning of my whereabouts intrigues me.
Hi Huddy. Change takes along time mate. Any of the success stories involve time and lots of it. I think years are Involved but it's a bit much for newbies to handle at the start
Your getting on with life and leaving her to hers. Sometimes we look for signs but we could easily misread bad signs for good or good for bad so it's best not to read at all It's tough on us but we have little choice
Your sounding strong so enjoy your chocs
Take care. Rd
Happy birthday mate. Have you told W about your trip next month?
Ah, the trip. No, not yet. Go next Monday. Guys at work are telling me to say it's a business trip, but I'm not sure. I think it will really pi$$ her off (especially as she is now asking about my whereabouts quite a lot) but I also don't want to lie. Suggestions?
IMHO live your life mate. She decided not to be part of it. If it annoys her or not is irrelevant
You did not want this and all you are doing is moving forward with what's best for you. I would not lie but would be very sparing with information Back to the neighbour thing , you might mention your going away but at the same time limited info
Just my opinion
Take care. Rd
Sorry to ask you this question Huddy but as you sold your house are you legally separated? As I have been informed that if I'm not legally separated my STBXH is my next of kin and would be entitle to all my assets. If you are legally separated, do you think it affected your chance of R?
Thanks
Hi Rouky
I'm not sure where in the world you are, but here in the UK we have two different legal systems - one for England and Wales and one for Scotland (goes back to the act of union!). In my part of the UK, you can legally get a separation order which is administered by a Sheriff (judge) which effectively dictates what you can and cannot do and who has responsibility for the kids etc. My W, because I wouldn't move out or sell the house originally, wanted one of these - I simply refused.
We are technically separated, but not legally so, as we are not bound to adhere to any court orders (none have been made) and we make our own decisions on childcare, maintenance etc. I suppose if it got ugly, either one of us could get an order, but my W called off the L in August, so I don't see the need for one.
As for assets, as we're still married, of course, if anything happened to me, my W would get everything (pension etc.) and vice versa. I did contemplate writing her out of my pension etc., but I didn't feel the need. Obviously if either one of us decides to go to full D, this would need doing, but it would be part of a settlement.
As for an R, I wouldn't say being separated has harmed any chance of this. I see signs from her that all is not well in her life, and what she longed for hasn't met her expectations, but it's not up to me to start that ball rolling. Time, they say, is a great healer, but having lived through an 8 month period of in house separation, I'll tell you now, despite being told not to leave the marital home, I wouldn't recommend it. The anxiety and stress was unreal and although I miss W and the kids every day, the lack of pain and suffering is a real godsend.
Thanks for this as I'm from the UK and one of my dire told me that because I'm not legally separated from STBXH, if something happens to me he gets every thing. I earn more than him, have a better pension and few assessts that were given to me by my parents. My concern is more if I die he gets everything, so him and OW will be well off financially and as I have a step daughter she'll be able to get more. I'm more concerned that if I die my kids won't get their fair share, as STBXH could use the sale of my house to entertain OW and his first daughter would be entitled to her mother's side, her father's share and if I die and STBXH is still my next of keen, she will get some inheritance that should have gone to my kids.
As a male, would you be offended if I were to go for a deed of separation ( which is not D), just to protect myself and my kids financially? I know he is still with OW and unfortunate I can't trust him.
Huddy,
TBH I was surprised by your not telling your W about the trip and fearing her reaction. I think that it is great that you are going on a trip you really want to do and to somewhere you really want to visit. Your life should be full of stuff like that.
Whereas I would not rub her nose in it, I think in your place I would have told her. But seeing at this stage you have said nothing I don't think that is bad either. Sooner or later she will know about the trip and the fact you didn't feel obliged to discuss it with her will also cause reflection on her part.
Either way you are living your life now and her getting upset about what you do is not your problem.......... as long as it doesn't affect your co-parenting.
Enjoy the trip.
I will also take this opportunity to give my thoughts on your in house separation. Firstly I think that this is a huge part of you becoming a better man. It made you strong. It made you grow. I understand your feelings on wishing you could have moved out earlier. Don't underestimate the impact on your W seeing you handle it so well.That could still work in your favour. And more importantly in the future you can look back and say you did not leave.It was W who left. This is not a blame game but more so you won't be subject to inevitable doubt or regret. Many people that leave wonder later if it was the best thing to do.
Happy thoughts
Hi Roiste
Thanks for that. I intend to tell her on Sunday when she picks the kids up. I know she will go ape$hit about it, but that's her problem.
Reflection and hindsight are brilliant things; all I really need is ESP and I'm laughing!
I don't post that often now (combination of nothing much to say and I post on other peoples' threads instead) but I hope that people can pick up on the fact that we all come here hopeless and lost and, with a bit of luck, pick up valuable tips to help with survival.
As I said it is her problem, but I am curious to why you are certain she will go apeshitt about it? Unless it means she has the kids when you are supposed to have them. That I can understand her getting upset but otherwise I don't understand why. But we have learn here that we are wrong to assume normal logic applies!
Just based on how she has reacted when I've done things that haven't matched her assessment of how a LBS should act. It's all about control. My W still feels she can control me ('I want your bank card' - me 'no' - followed by ape$[censored] tantrum), so I'm expecting her to throw a tantrum. I could be wrong, but based on other things, I don't think so.
It's funny, everybody at work says they admire me for doing this trip, on my own, and saying I deserve it as I've had such a $hitty year. OK, they only have my side of the story, but they can see how it has affected me physically and mentally. I am constantly being told not to have her back, but it's not that easy with kids. But, of course, she's not the woman I married. Physically she is, but right now, she's being occupied by an utter nutter.
If it is a control issue she will figure out soon enough that she no longer has any.
Don't let others influence you. They don't have to walk in your shoes.
And ENJOY that trip.
Well, here we are folks, I'm off to HK tomorrow and I'd be lying if I didn't say I was nervous. It will be my first real holiday without my W and kids since 1998. It's been Mother's Day here in the UK today and yesterday I took the kids to buy some flowers and chocolates for W. She thanked me for them and was chatty and smiled at me again.
If she isn't happy, she's doing a great job of hiding it. She took it quite well and she said she'd bring the kids around when I come back.
Signing off for a week - keep yourself well folks!
Have a great time Huddy.
Take care. Rd
Enjoy your trip Huddy - you deserve it xx
I have returned from the Pearl of the Orient - no, not Leyton (UK football term), but Hong Kong!
Firstly, I recommend it to anyone. If you can stomach the achingly long flight time (12hrs from the UK) then it's well worth the trip and relatively inexpensive as there are so many airlines flying out there and there are so many hotels to choose from. If you're in to shopping, you'll be made up with choice. Language isn't a problem, neither is eating/drinking and is incredibly safe.
Here, however, comes an admission. It's the first time I've been away on my own since 1991 and I have to admit I got a bit lonely. On day two I kept thinking about W and the kids. That made that day a bummer. Anybody who has been reading all 17 (!) of my threads (why are you still here and not GAL'ing!) will know, I quite like reading my horoscopes and fortune telling. Hong Kong is quite famous for fortune telling. One day, I was approached on the street by a 'holy man' who said he could tell my fortune. He handed me a piece of paper, which was screwed up in to a ball. He then read my fortune from my forehead (spookily accurate) and then asked me some questions. He said the answers to my questions were on the paper, if I cared to unfold it. Again, they were bang on accurate!
Now, you could say, I wanted this to be true and I am a fool, but he genuinely hadn't met me before, didn't know anything about me or my past and also knew about a specific problem I was having at work as well. If anything, it helped my mood, and for that at least, I was grateful!
I returned home this morning and texted W to bring the kids for tea. She dropped all three off and I gave them presents, food and we had good fun. W has just picked them up (she didn't come to the flat when she dropped them) and immediately started on a rant about an old phone account.
I don't know what's going on here. I don't see any visible signs of regret, yet she still pulls strings to get me to react. Part of the game I suppose! Off to bed - this jet lag is a killer.
Good to read that your home safe and enjoyed your trip. Your fortune teller story is great, did you ask him about your marriage?
Hi Mutatio
No, I didn't, but on his 'answer' paper, he did list that I was having love problems and they would be solved soon and I would be happy. He didn't say if that was with my W or not. I wasn't going to push.
Morning all
Patience is the key I guess, but I just want to throw this out to any of you good people to answer.
Over the past week, W has started to be more friendly towards me. She has asked me to have the kids more, has started smiling at me more readily and has started to send me photos of the kids on 'whatsapp'. I notice she has also started to wear high heel shoes when she comes (she knows this turns me on) and has made comments about being alone with the kids all the time.
I'm just curious if I'm missing a trick? Should I start making noises about her coming back or should I just leave well alone? She has said that she will have the kids all day when they are off school, on her own, and not looking forward to it. I could say 'well, tat's what you wanted', but I don't want to seem cold.
It's just a confidence thing really. Am I doing the right thing, or should I be proactive? My head tells me to stand firm and wait; my heart says lull her back!
Hi Huddy, I think you should go with your head. I certainly wouldn't say anything about her choices and leave her to make the running
If she wants to comeback then she will make it clear Doesn't mean you can't respond to her BUT 80% of what she gives you
Stick with your head mate
Take care. Rd
I would be warmer to her, smile more, compliment her, be more courteous but say and mention nothing. Let her do the heavy lifting. You just be a friendly and kind, don't play hard to get, just oblivious to there being any chance of reconciliation. It could some time but doesn't take to much effort on your part.
Huddy, yet again these are positive signs, but don't change what you are doing just for crumbs. I said before that there is a good chance your W could come around. I say that without wanting to give false hope.
Great she is friendlier, better dressed etc. That will make your interactions more pleasant.Enjoy that. Appreciate that. But don't read too much into it. When/if she wants back, you will know.
You can read the situation better than us. Just to be devil's advocate it is possible she has met someone, is happier and wants more kid free time.
I am not saying this is true but want you to not get carried away. You said it best when you said patience is the key. Time will tell.
Good luck mate.
Hi Guys
As always, a well thought out pattern of level headedness. Head wins so far!
Yes, Roiste, I did think of that, but that doesn't appear to be the case.
I don't either BUT it was just a way to show you there are other explications and with a WAW normal logic is not always right. I use that technique more for negative signs. I find a less negative reason for it and this reduces the power of the negative sign, as it is possible another reason exists. I don't have the time to explain it better but hopefully you get the idea.
Yes, I get the idea and that thought did go through my mind. However, I know what work she has on, so I can discount that for now. There is never any logic in these situations.
Talking of logical decisions, I have found out (due to an email error) that my W is going for a consultation for a boob job and abdominal surgery!
I was aware that my W was unhappy with her body after the birth of our last child, but I was always very supportive of her and always told her how much I fancied her/loved her. I suppose this is how it started with her having her teeth whitened, 18 months ago.
So, W's mid life crisis takes yet another turn and I'm not sure what to do. I don't want my W to go under the knife for a cosmetic procedure, but I can't let on that the email was copied to me in error, otherwise she'll think I've been snooping. I suppose I just keep quiet, but this does give me a fair amount of sadness as if this really is the root cause of all this (a MLC due to her perceived body issues) is there anything I can do?
Nope
It is all her thing. I know it hurts you because she is going through this mental state.
OTW is right , nothing you can do and if you did try to intercede then it might only spur her on.
At least it shows MLC is proberbly the cause of all this and while it doesn't help you it might explain some of the strange choices that she is clearly making
Its the same old mantra for us all Huddy , their lives , their choices , detach and let her continue to find her happiness This is at a very early stage for MLC and while you look for signs , who knows what you are really seeing signs of ?
I think we all look for signs but we have to control that with what we actually know and while we might think a sign means X , it could just as easily mean 55 !!!!
Take care mate and try to relax back from her choices
Rd
Thanks guys.
Just a bit if a downer today and the email error kind of topped it of. I know it's her choice and there is nothing I can do. Bit of a backslide - not bad I suppose in the, nearly, four months we have been properly parted.
Thanks once again for the support.
If you are copied on an email she will see you on the list.
Regardless it is her choice and her life.Nothing to do with you.
Sure maybe it'll be a good job and if ye do get back together you'll appreciate the work, even if you don't believe she needs it!
So, I've had a look in the mirror and decided it's time to tone up. I'm 44, not getting any younger, but don't want to dissolve in to an unhealthy blob. It's not a kneejerk reaction, I've been thinking about it for some time.
I look at it like this, I'm doing it for myself, I'm doing it for any potential R with W and finally I'm doing it for any potential R with somebody new. Plus, I see it as a good GAL activity, as it means I will be around people, at least four times a week.
I haven't been near a gym since 1988, so it should be interesting! I'm booked in for my initiation on Monday. I'm no gym bunny, but let's see how we go!
I am pondering the same thought. Good Luck
Hi Huddy - good for you! I hadn't ever been to a gym, but I work for a fitness company and they have a great membership deal for staff, so I went for it. The gym induction was fine. He just asked me about my aims and whether I wanted just to look at cardio or build in some weights. I just went for the cardio and he showed me how to use the treadmill, bike and cross trainer.
In our gyms, you have a login and you can track your progress - plus there are various fitness programmes you can follow on the screen. You can check your emails, or go on YouTube or Facebook too! I don't do any of that - I just blast away on the cardio machines, listening to cheesy 80's music - it's great!
Best of luck with it! X
Thanks Guys!
With all the stress and anxiety, I managed to lose about three stone, so, now I want to tone up and get to a nice shape. I'm not looking to be Mr Universe, just the right shape. I'm 6ft1in and have a physique of a rugby player, but have noticed it's gone a bit soft. I'll admit part of me wants to show W what she's missing, but I need a proper GAL activity, not just going to the pub etc.
Whatever your reason it is something that you want to do. So go for it. Keep us posted.
Sure maybe next year you be lining out: n the six nations!!!
Ha ha Roiste! When I was at school, due to my frame, I was always being dispatched to 'deal' with the appropriate sized guy on the other team. What normally happened was that me and the opposing team member realised that we really had no interest in being used as battering rams and we'd normally agree to fawn interest, meaning that we came off the pitch relatively unscathed and we'd be first in the dinner queue!
Some trepidation about being in a room full of younger gym bunnies, but it's my time, so, I'm going to use it as much as I can. I've found one near to work and the rail station home, so it's possible to do it all in one movement - work, walk, gym, walk, train, walk, home.
I have noticed a pattern! When my W comes on her own, she is nice, friendly and wants to chat. Last weekend she actually spent some time talking to me on the setee. First time she's done that since Christmas. When she comes with my SD, she turns in to a hardarse, and puts on an angry face and talks to me like shite. My next task is to think through why she would do that? I had to correct her today for an 'eye roll' movement and remind her that I wouldn't take being talked too like that in my flat. I did it with tact and nice words, and she got the message.
Dude, i feel sorry for you, pity, and I am envious that you must have had such a great R with your W.
My sitch is very different. All other [censored] aside I realise now that I never had a great R/M. The only remaining regret that I have surrounds our children, and the ongoing [censored] is really quite incredible. Especially since I have participated in groups of separated parents, my ex is uniquely qualified it seems.
All that aside, coming back to DB snd your post, it reeks that your W knows exactly where she is, albeit deranged. It is no surprise though. I mean - If you were writing a movie - how else would you write her part? faces for places. horses for courses. no more. no less.
it doesn’t mean anything more than that. for how long will it dictate your life?
I am not saying “screw her”, but just let go of it definiing you. I am a pathetic example myself, but I urge you to do as i say and not as i do.
open to R, not waiting!!!!!
(R meaning Relationship with another woman in my case. Reconciliation with ex is out of the question)
-Py
hi huddy, first past of the message was cut.
love to see you, but not .... yeah
been away for a few months. tonnes of [censored]. could always be worse though right?
i pity the guy at the end of the line, the one for whom it is as ""worse" as it could possible be.
-Py
Hi Huddy. Great news about the gym and it will make you feel better about yourself which is always good.
Good job on setting the boundary with W about how you will be spoken to in your flat
The pattern you've noticed sounds like pull and push , she treats you one way to get a reaction then another to get a reaction You have to stay on level par and not let either way affect you up or down That's detachment !!!!!
It seems W is clearly MLC and unfortunately that's a very long road. Your moving forward with your own life is the best way , your given W her space and your letting life happen. If in a year or two W emerges form the fog then Huudy will either be open to a new R or have moved on
Your doing well and down days pass and we have a new day after to see how good our lives really are
Take care. Rd
Hi Py
Long time no see! I don't regard you as pathetic at all, quite the opposite. Any man who puts up with the stuff you have is a titan among men. I hope everything is going OK and you're not having any problems with your kids etc.
Hi RD
I noticed it yesterday, although I have observed it before, I never took much notice. It's as if she can't show a mellow face to SD as that would maybe show weakness etc. I have looked in to the surgery she wants done. At the clinic she's going to see, a consultation costs £150 and the surgery tops out at £10k! Unless she has come in to a nest egg that I don't know about, there is no way she has access to that kind of money, and no ability to get it.
I am apprehensive about the gym. The last time I was in one, Rick Astley was in the charts! I see it as a win-win situation though.
Well, that was different! My first gym session was painful/fun/invigorating! It's funny how my first hour of self imposed torture was very good for the soul and got both my physical and mental muscles working overtime.
I recommend it to anybody who is trying to do GAL. Even if you don't talk to anybody, it gets you out of the house, keeping fit and helps banish depressive thoughts from your mind.
W came and collected the kids yesterday. She managed to be two hours late (she was supposed to be taking the kids on an easter egg hunt, but because of her lateness, she didn't) and had a little moan about how long it took her to get back and forwards to her current abode to bring the kids to me. I just nodded and said 'oh well'. The kids wanted to buy W an easter gift, so I got some Thornton's Special Toffee for her. My SD came and brought me some marzipan - yummy! Again, I noticed when SD is wit her she puts up a barrier and makes barbed comments, but not when she isn't. Very strange!
Well done Huddy & glad you enjoyed it! I agree the gym doesn't tend to be that social. People just tend to have their music on and pound away. But it is good flexible GAL - ie: open from 6am - 10pm or whenever.
One thing they didn't tell me (and I think they should tell people) is be aware of your maximum heart rate and work at between 50 and 80 percent of that if you are working really hard (I don't work really hard
)
Maximum heart rate is 220 minus your age - so for me 170. I generally work at around 120, which is pretty low! I'm not a medical expert at all....this is only what I read online!!
Xx
Hi Sotto
Yeah, I saw that on the bike I was using. I was under that. Managed to get 10 miles in on the bike and a number of 'reps' on weights, so that was good. I think I have a circuit figured out in my mind. The guy told me not to do too much, too soon. I'm planning on no more that 5 hours a week, which he said was fine.
One year in!
Yep, although we're one day away in date terms, it was exactly a year ago that I was BD'd. Probably a good time for a bit of analysis.
If my W misses me, she doesn't show it. In fact, at times, she looks positively fantastic with her lot. Of course, I doubt she really thinks that, but, from the outside, that is the impression I get. Part of this (looking at V's post on rd's thread) could be that she hasn't felt loss yet. Yeah, we're now physically separated (another anniversary, four months today) but we see each other at least twice a week as we have children. I can't cut her off with NC (I could if we didn't have kids) but I don't initiate any convo, and I only text her to let her know when I'll be in for her to bring them around.
Is she curious? Probably. Most of the time she might start a conversation asking 'if you're not out' or 'if you're around', so, she is temp checking that I haven't got another woman. Of course, I reply honestly, but maybe I should start making her think I have got somebody else, or, actively looking?
The kids tell me how much they love me and are very affectionate. They tell me how much they miss me etc. I sometimes wish they could tell that to W, but that wold be unfair.
Here in the UK, it's tax return time. If you're self-employed, you have to fill out a form so the Government can bill you for the right amount of tax. I normally do this for W (indeed, I did it after BD last year for her, in my 'try to be nice' frame of mind and she used it to try and get a separation order against me!) and she has asked about the why's, when's and wherefore's. I have managed to tell her nothing about the process, deciding that she has to make her own mistakes, which is easy to do. I won't be doing it for her.
I think W has problems dealing with the kids. I know this as she used to be desperate for me to come home when the kids were off school and she was alone with them. Nothing has changed there.
Then there is the matter of the cosmetic surgery. I know W has plans to see a cosmetic surgeon in a couple of weeks to get 'measured up' for a boob enhancement and tummy tuck. She doesn't need it, but in MLC land she feels this is what she needs. The consultation alone costs £150 and the surgery is £11k! My youngest daughter tells me that 'Mummy thinks she is fat and she wants a home gym'. It's sad, but I can't tell her she doesn't need all this as that is persuing. In addition, my W only works one day a week and is effectively living off the state.
In conclusion, I don't see how this can be brought to an end swiftly. My W clearly has underlying problems about her body shape (she is thin, good looking and has ample boobs etc.) and getting rid of me hasn't addressed this. I'm not sure I can do anymore than hold my current course and do things for myself.
I miss my W and still love her. I'm disappointed that her family hasn't had a more positive impact on her, even when I asked them to help her see a doctor for her symptoms - that I cannot forgive.
Hi Huddy, sounds like you are doing well my friend. I find it a little bizarre that someone would consider spending that kind of money on surgery ahead of decent housing. It's a shame to feel that way about your body though.
I think you answered your own question about holding your course. However, I wouldn't play any games with the 'dating perception' thing - other than volunteering limited info about what you're doing and leaving your W to draw her own assumptions. If and when you feel the time is right to date, go for it. However, if you still love your W and hope to save your M, that time isn't here yet (IMHO.)
Hope the gym is going well and have a good Sunday! Xx
Hi Huddy, I'm in a similar type of situation and it gives me strength to hear how others are coping. My W has been gone since September (BD Aug) and things have been real tough for me.
Mentally found it hardest as to why she did not or could not say what our difficulties were - I gave her ample opportunities.
I'm trying to do the detaching, GAL and tough love thing, although I am listening, validating and "showing" her how I've changed a lot in this time (I'm sure I was borderline depressed before).
Like you I'm thinking of the long road, still have feeling for W, and know it is best for the family to fix this rather than take the easy option and walk away. Hopeful but trying to have no expectations of any chance soon.
Stick at it, I know your pain, just enjoy the good times with your kids and do all the stuff you would never have done before!
Hi Sotto
Doing well? There are moments I stick on 'White Flag' by Dido and I know it's not a good day! W was due to pick the kids up at 4 and she's pushed it to 5. It's OK, but I'm off to the gym and it's delayed me. It's nice to have the kids for a bit longer, but I know it's a symptom of her not being able to cope on her own as she has been doing this for a couple of weeks now.
There is, of course, the stubbornness to contend with in this sitch. W has terrible trouble admitting she is wrong and is stubborn accordingly. It would take her an enormous amount of time to summon up the wherewithal to admit that she has done anything wrong. Even her own mother says she is too stubborn for her own good!
Hi srt
Welcome to the party! No, my W has never said what the actual problem was, but she tried a barb with 'I don't find you physically attractive any more'. I think that was a barb because I wouldn't move out. Is she seeing anybody? I don't think so, but who knows.
Don't be too worried about the depression and anxiety. I'd be surprised if you didn't get under the weather about it all.
It's the patience thing that gets to us all. It's agonising. In other walks of life, if you have a problem, you generally talk about it, agree a solution and implement. The fact you just can't seem to do anything about it drives you nuts. That's why I've joined the gym. It'll keep my mind off things, get me out of the house and be a good GAL activity.
It's funny. When you don't conform to what your W wants you to do, they go all huffy and act like you've just stolen their last pound!
Kids have been over for tea and I ask if the kids are coming Thursday (normal when it's not my weekend to have them) when W tells me she's bringing them on Friday as 'you're having them for the weekend'. There is, however, a fly in this tightly packed ointment, as I am going to a retirement 'do' on Friday night. I told W I couldn't have them on Friday and W went from being a fairly pleasant person in to being a huffy, uncontrollably narky person in an instant.
Apart from being questioned as to where I was going (I just said I wasn't going to be in) she stomped out of the flat. In the past few weeks, she's been saying 'hiya' and 'see you' when she comes and goes, but today, when she left, she couldn't even look me in the eye. I told her to bring the kids on Saturday morning instead. I know she's working Saturday, but she hadn't asked and just expected.
So, what was this an example of? Manipulation; loss of control? Don't know, but she seemed mighty miffed that I wasn't doing her bidding for her.
GAL activity last night and I got home about 0300! Up for the kids at 0745 (I expected W to bring the kids over because she was working) and she didn't come until after 10. I could have called, I could have texted, but that's non dependency in action when I act as if I don't care what she's doing.
W arrives at the door and I can see she has tears in her eyes. The kids are joyous as always, but W didn't look happy at all. W asks if I can have three weeks off with the kids at the start of the 'big' school holidays in July. I said no, I can't take a huge block of time off, and she genuinely looked like she was going to burst in to tears. In my heart, I was kinda hoping that we might be 'back together' by the summer, but hey ho.
I say I can have two weeks off and she said OK and then turned away, said that she'd me tomorrow and then headed down the stairs. She did look upset and, frankly, awful. Not in the sense of her looks, but in her demeanour.
It was hard not to say something comforting or reach out and I still wonder if I should be doing something, anything, different. I don't know what could be the one thing that lifts the fog and she sees clearly again, and if I should be doing something to enable her. I am being the lighthouse; warm, affectionate, but letting her make her own mistakes, and I have to keep reminding myself that she sacked me as H, and that she has to make the first move, only for me to have moments of self doubt and think I should say something.
Then of course, it could all be manipulation. The kids have been off for two weeks and they have probably drove her up the wall (she was never very good at coping with them on her own). She has a planned appointment for cosmetic surgery next week (although she has looked at other providers on my son's laptop, which he brought over) and she might want the kids away from her so she can have the surgery done. How she would hide a breast enlargement, without me noticing, I have no idea!
Basically, I'm locked in to that terrible position of limbo land. W could have started D proceedings this week, but hasn't. I could have done the same, but it's not what I want. My colleagues and friends keep telling me to move on and forget her - I can't. I'm living with hope; that's eternal. Living with no hope is the road to depression.
Rambling as usual, but my audience of a 6 & 7 year old, probably wouldn't appreciate it!
For what its worth Huddy, I think your on the right path. The only way you can leave limbo land with your wife is to wait for her and let her come to you. Be strong
Hi Mutatio
Thanks. I don't recommend limbo land as a holiday destination - not a lot of nightlife and it saps your energy!
Hold strong and hold back. It is tough to resist helping but she needs to know you are not there for her.
Best wishes.
Hi Roiste
Keeping the party line! It is difficult though, when you see somebody you love, falling apart, blaming you, and not being able to do a thing.
I understand, but it is what you need to do.
Out until 3 again! Life is not all bad I see.Haha
hey Huddy,
My sitch was different from yours - as you know - but i don't think you should think that the road to depression is the "other" road here, as opposed to holding out hope for your R.
As there isn't another man here, it certainly seems like MLC, and it is perhaps easier for you to forgive your W, focus on what was +ve in the R, want that back etc. Tell/convince yourself that it isn't her fault and you can be the ricksha needs, the lighthouse, whatever.
Whilst it may not be inherently her "fault", and indeed she maybe suffering in herself, manifesting in MLC- I could (and have) argued similarly for my W. In hindsight our R sucked toward the end, and so it isn't really her "fault" for being attracted by OM. The R mainly sucked because she was too self-centred to even talk about changing. As far as she was concerned, she was perfect and if I had a problem the I was the one that needed to change. This may've been right, but in hindsight, and with the support of friends, I realise now that she wasn't quite right upstairs. So maybe I can blame it on that, forgive her because thats the way she always was, and "hope" for the R. In my case though my W has been very helpful in encouraging me to not want the R.
So what I am saying is MLC,mental illness, it wasn't there before but it is now, or to a larger degree - it doesn't really matter. We all live on a spectrum of MLC, depression , narcism, etc all of our lives. And the spectrum also evolves throughout our lives. The person she is now is not the person you were happily M'd to, and she may never be again. She is in a different place amidst all of these spectra. That is not her fault. And so are you BTW. So whether she is "healed", my W's OM is gone, it doesnt mean that our lives even have a chance at being aligned again.
"Open to reconciliation, not waiting". Sure be the rock, you already are, but come to think it - i think the lighthouse is too much like waiting. You've spent a lot of energy on this, probably way too much. The truth is there are only two outcomes here, either you R or you don't.
If you don't then definitely wasted months/years here. If you do, it won't be because of the energy you have spent worrying about your every encounter. It will be because you are "Open to reconciliation". To reconcile means she has to want it. You shouldn't "wait" for her to ever be at that point. Its not even realistic, all this water that has passed under the bridge the past year. Imagine another passes, or maybe even now, she is also open to reconcile and you then discover that hey - she's not the same person she was a year ago, neither is Huddy.
S/D in the western world is horrendously common. whether it is due to infidelity or MLC or infidelity inspired by MLC doesn't really matter. Sure it would be nice if people had MWD's approach to Rs. Sure it is all unfair, not right, but that's life in our modern age.
This might be very controversial here, but i wouldn't worry about GingAL. Focus on being "open to reconciliation" and "not waiting". This doesn't mean losing hope. Actually it means having greater hope, that you will have a fruitful life regardless of where she is up to. GingAL,genuinely will just follow. You might even meet another lady one day and she comes around to reconcile at which point you might even say "Geez - i wanted that and spent so much energy on that for so long, then I let go of hoping/waiting for it to happen and just let it tag along behind me while I moved forward, and now I kinda got this other thing happening (or maybe you don't even have another woman) and I just couldn't fit it in with who i am now"
I don't want to suggest you abandon hope, just focus your hope somewhere else. You've been struggling for along time my friend and I really think it is about time to live for you, FOR YOU, not to better your chances of attracting her back. I'm not saying "screw her", I'm saying forget about her. If you want to look at it another way, when you "forget her", you will be truly "dark", and she will be confronted by the image of Huddy that you have been trying to artificially project. And before you say it, you can still be supportive etc - you don't have to add probably cant turn into an arsehole.
-Py
Hi Py
Nice to hear from you! Firstly, I think we both knew that your W's R with the 'Passport Chaser' wouldn't last. How are you doing? Judging from the above statement, it doesn't look like you have any chance of R. Has she asked to talk to you? How are the kids?
I hear what you're saying and, you're right, of course I'm 'waiting' for her to change her mind. You get subtle hints from time to time that all is not well and that she is regretting her choice. Why am I waiting? Well, it's like this, I don't want to give up on an R. I'm not, however, sat around wringing my hands, doing nothing etc. I am proactive in getting myself fit and in the correct shape/mindset for an R with whoever is next. I am hoping it is my W, but if not, I have to be ready for the next R.
You will know that with kids, you can't go dark. That, of course, is a problem as I don't feel that they can truly feel loss, as you are in contact/seeing each other when you swap over etc. In a way, I sometimes wish that she was having an A, and that could help in her seeing her loss. Maybe someone has an answer to 'providing loss' in a childcare situation?
As for GALing, it's on an 'as and when basis'. I'm not out every night, but am enjoying the gym, if only to see how the knuckleheads perform in front of the mirrors! I'm bust at work and with the kids, so it would be difficult to fit anting else in.
Depression, getting low, however, I do find to be something to watch out for. Quiet times lend my mind to wander and I have to watch for that. I'm probably not a perfect DB'er by any stretch of the imagination, but, I don't feel ready to give up on my M; I feel we can repair our R, but I just wish I had a solution to break the limboland feeling I have.
Hi Py
Nice to hear from you! Firstly, I think we both knew that your W's R with the 'Passport Chaser' wouldn't last.
hey mate, i'm really glad you replied. I was worried I might have been a bit harsh. but Suppose apart from being a tough Scottish lad, you have been through much worse 
How are you doing? Judging from the above statement, it doesn't look like you have any chance of R. Has she asked to talk to you?
Wife is living with OM. I even get to see him sometimes. No chance of R here. She hasn't asked to talk me to me at all. Frankly, I am not interested anymore. All the past stories - I still have at least one per week BTW. Now that I am free of the "love spell", I can see it so clearly. I absolutely have my own faults, and I don't discount these, but W is bordering on sociopathic. Almost all of my friends have commented that she always was a bit odd, but she came across as basically sweet and naive and I seemed happy, so they all let it be. How are the kids?
The kids are great . She lied through her teeth in court proceedings, and I was lucky to get back to 60/40 custody. Still, that is insanely lucky compared to most fathers. I am cut because apart from breast feeding I did the parenting, and still do. I just had them for 9 nights straight over the Easter and school holidays. After a few days I realised that I hadn't thought of W at all, and in fact I would much rather life to be just me and the kids, no W. Saddly, tonight they are back with their Mum and I am alone. We had a ball though. Last night we camped out in the living room. My (now) 5 year old still wants to live with me. Apart from her 5 year old reasons, it is basically because I treat her like a kid, not a baby. For e.g. W still brushes her teeth, dresses her, bathes her. I teach her, let her do it herself. Same in the playground etc - BUT there are boundaries. Part of W's sociopathic nature and big part of S is that she "needs" the kids to be dependent on her. I always argued (and lost) that this is not going to help them when they hit school/life - and guess what has happened!!
I hear what you're saying and, you're right, of course I'm 'waiting' for her to change her mind. You get subtle hints from time to time that all is not well and that she is regretting her choice. Why am I waiting? Well, it's like this, I don't want to give up on an R. I'm not, however, sat around wringing my hands, doing nothing etc. I am proactive in getting myself fit and in the correct shape/mindset for an R with whoever is next. I am hoping it is my W, but if not, I have to be ready for the next R.
While you are hoping it is your W, I don't think you are preparing yourself at all for another R. 
(whack, whack 2*4).
Early on at DB I got the lecture about any R with W would be a new R, not the old one, not even glued back together. Of course their is going to be history but it will be a new R. So take her off the pedestal sandpit her back down on the same rung as the new girl at work (or whoever).You will know that with kids, you can't go dark. That, of course, is a problem as I don't feel that they can truly feel loss, as you are in contact/seeing each other when you swap over etc.
Unfortunately I do know. This was a big problem for me in the beginning. In my case I noticed that she didn't even give [censored] if I was dark or pale yellow. She was just delirious. Some of the [censored] - OMFG! But yeah - inevitable contact makes for a minefield. In a way, I sometimes wish that she was having an A,
This I can empathise with
and that could help in her seeing her loss.
but not this! Huddy, if she was in the middle of an A she doesn't see any loss, only riddance and gain. Maybe someone has an answer to 'providing loss' in a childcare situation?
Dude - whack whack again - you are hurting yourself over and over again - you are trying to snap her out of it!! snap YOU out of it!!
OK - you make sense - to me - but guess what - not to her you don't. You make as much sense as the idiots you both criticised while watching the news together 5 years ago - "WTF are those guys thinking?", you said. Andy were in agreement. Now you are those idiots. MIL and SIL are watching the Huddy channel and saying "WTF is he thinking?"
As for GALing, it's on an 'as and when basis'. I'm not out every night, but am enjoying the gym, if only to see how the knuckleheads perform in front of the mirrors! I'm bust at work and with the kids, so it would be difficult to fit anting else in.
I don't mean to distract you from this at all. good stuff.Depression, getting low, however, I do find to be something to watch out for. Quiet times lend my mind to wander and I have to watch for that. I'm probably not a perfect DB'er by any stretch of the imagination, but, I don't feel ready to give up on my M; I feel we can repair our R, but I just wish I had a solution to break the limboland feeling I have.
"the limbo land feeling that YOU have".
OK lets start here - i don't want to sound like I have the answers or I am an expert who is qualified to give advice. I have been "around" this area, this beautiful, grassy parkland, bullshit, WAS area.
Focus. It is all about focus. Not being focused on a goal but whatever it is you're focused on. Right now you are focused on your W. That is clear. That is admirable and I envy that you do or ever had such a beautiful love in your life. But focus. So many points of advice start from the top down, but I think it is more useful to start from the bottom up.
Get comfortable, however that is and take a deep breath in and exhale with the same force. Just do this for starters. When you are ready, breath in and imagine that you are breathing in all the energy that was meant for Huddy, all the things that make you feel good, whatever they are and exhale all the bad stuff that has accumulated inside you. Even this can be broken down into a million parts and can be the focus for years.
When you are mildly relaxed, it is probably effective to begin to explore focus. You can do this anywhere, in your home, on the train, with a CD, etc. My favourite is the beach or a mountain stream with a waterfall. On the beach I first focus on the waves, the water. Then the wind. Then the sounds around, the birds, the kids playing, the people walking. Then I feel the wind. I feel the sunlight. Where it strikes me. I feel the cool/warmth. One by one. Then return to your breath. Then go around and around. Guarantee you it won't take long before you can sense all these things individually.
OK - so the [censored] what. The point is that each one of these external things have been perceived by you,and enhanced when you focused on them. The Buddha describes every little event as a "dependent arising". There is nothing religious or god like about this. The Buddha simply asserts that "our lives" are made up of dependent arisings. So yeah- from the top down you might say "It is not what life deals you, it is how you deal with it". The point is that when you can experience this from the bottom up - "the sun is warm on the right side of my face, the winds cold from the left, the kids playing behind me, each chord of the birds, the shark patrol airplane above (Australia remember )" - It makes it much ....simpler, to deal with the more complicated "dependent arisings".
Hi Py
I'm a Yorkshireman, living under a flag on convenience!
I thought your EXW had left OM? Sorry for any confusion. Yes, she sounds like she has turned in to 'ultra bitch'. I'm glad you and the kids are doing well, in the circumstances. They will see her in her own light soon enough.
I'm not looking for another R with somebody else right now. Maybe I should have said a new R with W. I'm trying not to mindread etc., but I do pick up on things and of course I still hope. With the kids, and what they say about missing me and 'Mummy not happy you were out on Friday', still makes me think that something could happen.
The loss business is difficult. I don't call or start convo, but how can loss be felt if you se each other twice a week? I still think she hasn't felt that. That's a key.
I don't feel that I'm hurting myself, I'm just trying not to fall in to a depressive trap. My focus, is fitness. I lost weight, but I need to get toned up now. So, why? First, it's for me. I want to look good and be around for the kids in years to come. Secondly, one day, somebody is gonna unwrap the present and I want them to be amazed, not repulsed!
The thing is, if someone came on to me, would I be able to hold a relationship with that person without dumping them in W came back? The answer is no, so I won't look until that feeling has gone.
My W asked me to have three weeks off I the summer, so that I could have the kids, which I can't do. I am having two different weeks off instead, and sent W a text today telling her that I had booked the kids a holiday with me during that time, and I would need their passports.
In return, I got a spew text ('So, you have decided not to have the weeks off that I asked you to...blah...blah) followed by a 'XX' at the end. Within a second she sent me another text saying 'XX not meant for you'.
Decided not to respond. I guess she'll kick off when she drops the kids off for tea tomorrow. W is still fogbound! When do you think the penny will drop that she doesn't control me anymore?
Maybe never. Hard to tell how long they stay in that mindset where they feel entitled and in control of us. Lucky I don't have to deal with that control issue right now but I'm sure at some point in the future I will.
Either way, just like you, it really doesn't matter. Let her get pissy and try to control you. Validate if you need to without reacting to her and continue to stand firm on what your doing for you.
Good to hear from you Huddy, enjoy the vacation with kids.
True Fogg, true!
Anyway, 4 1/2 hours later, I get a feeble text saying 'OK, I will bring the kids passports over on Tuesday'. Bizarre, roller coaster world of emotions she has.
Hey buddy. Thought I'd drop by.
So yea, she's annoyed that you can't accommodate the time off required in the summer with the kids. My question would be why those particular 3 weeks?
Let's be honest here. Before you and her broke up this wouldn't have been an issue. But now? So I get the 50/50 thing. I've just done the same with the STBXW and agreed what time I spend with S10 and what time she spends with him. All very amicable.
But more to the point. The feeling loss thing. I have no idea if my STBXW feels any loss. None, but now I done care. And I think this is a crucial juncture. She's p!ssed at me because the finalisation of the financials of the D isn't going her way. Tough.
Remember how I said I think she should pay for the D? Well, she doesn't like that.
However. Your point about meeting someone else. I thought about this as well and realised, for me at least it was only pride that kept me hanging on.
So I let it go, just like V said I should do.
And I'm much happier now.
Peace
Well hello NDY!
I have two theories as to why she wants me to have specific weeks off. Theory one is simple - she's 'seeing' somebody, and wants a romantic break without the kids. Well, tough, because if that is the case, new man would have to like kids anyway. Theory two is about her planned cosmetic surgery. I guess she might want those weeks to have the deed done and then have the required recovery time. She has asked that I take SD with me as well, but I've said no, as she's 21 this year and I doubt she'd want to spend time with me than her boyfriend.
Talking about the cosmetic surgery, the cost is £11k, and I have no idea how she would fund that. My S brought his laptop with him last week, and W had been using it and left a tab open with her finance options on it. Unless she's won the lottery, somebody else is paying or she's planning on a credit agreement for the next 10 years, she can't afford it.
The loss thing has to happen at some point. Who hasn't made a decision and then thought about it afterwards? Your W will feel it at some point. Has she had the baby yet? Will this cramp OM's style?
It's difficult to make that decision to give up. I'm trying to wrestle with this problem now. I don't want to be the one who threw in the towel, but, I don't want to be on my lonesome for evermore. I keep thinking about if the boot was on the other foot. I would have applied for a D as soon as I can; wanted NC etc. etc. and she is still uber curious about my movements. I digress.
Hi mate
Yea, she's had the baby. I don't know if it's cramping his style. I doubt it at the moment. You know what it's like having your first (known about in his case) child.
Anyway I'm in an interesting position right now. Basically my STBXW wants to divorce me due to the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage rather than me divorcing her due to her adultry. For some reason she's arguing that me divorcing her due to her adultry will somehow deteriorate our non existing R to the detriment of S10.
I know this is kind reading but to be the shame of what she's done is starting to play on her mind. I'm going to contact her directly about this but before I do I may well just re post here to see what others think.
Ndy
Call a spade a spade.
Huddy, you can hold onto that towel as long as you like. You can do whatever you want with it, but until the day W wants to R it is academic. It should not be your focus. Live your life. I don't think that you are ready to date but go socialize if you want.
I too would have filed immediately in her shoes but we are not in her shoes.
You are only six weeks away from her first six monthly review of your separation!!!! I wonder does she remember saying that.
Anyway best wishes. By the way where are you going with the kids?
Hi NDY
That would be guilt eating at her then. Whilst I wish no mental harm to your son, you have to be truthful about the situation - right? I'm sure OM will find the restrictions on his social life kicking in at some point.
We must get that beer soon!
Hi Roist
It's not my focus. I am socialising as and when and have no trouble filling up my day. Again, my kids are my focus right now.
Six monthly review! Ha ha, I guess she can't even remember what she did last week. Me and the kids are having a long weekend in Brighton, on the south coast of the UK in July!
Hi Huddy. Your W leaving a tab open on your Ss computer seems more than an accident to me I'm not even going to try to understand why she would do it but just to say it was no accident
The three weeks holiday request , again , who knows ? She is clearly not thinking straight and maybe she is planning on winning the euro millions this week and is jetting off to Jamaica with Brad Pitt !!!!!
From your posts you are still affected by her behaviour ( as are many of us ) and I would hope that you can shelld that from her when she sees you
We have no idea of their thoughts and any regrets or not that they may be having BUT she would have to be a very , very cold person not to see the growth and way you are moving on with your life and this has to have some affect on her even if she's glad you have moved on.
From my experience on this site , you are still very much at the early stages of this. It seems years are often involved for them to see the light and really feel loss
Stay strong mate. Take care. Rd
Hi Rd
I'll admit that I struggle to understand how and why I'm at this situation. To go from a perfectly normal, loving woman to a complete nightmare in days was frightening to watch. I don't let her moods influence me, I just look for signs of fog lifting. I'm still at the stage of 'what if'; you know, not wanting to branch out unless there is a comeback. I think you'll understand what I mean! W only sees a confident, happy, fitter Huddy! Any anxiety/worry manifests itself as nightmares (bugger, I'd thought that was over).
As for coldness, I can only say she is freezing. Take yesterday. My D twisted her ankle at school and I welcomed her in with D, but instead of putting her on the setee, she put her on the floor, making her limp, so she didn't go in to the living room. When she returned, I carried my D to her car, but my W didn't even say 'thanks' or 'bye' even though the kids were shouting 'love you' and 'you're the best dad' out of the window.
I did read, I think in one of sandi2's posts, that she felt resentment for how her H coped so well during the melee, and that showed as coldness and verged on hatred, but was part of the 'ever famous' script!
All I can say, is that I feel OK, feel fitter, getting on with life but not looking for any other woman right now, even though I do miss the intimacy. My kids are doing OK (although on Friday my D tried to put my hands on W's and W looked away) and I do feel for them - they just want it back to normal.
Whilst I am posting on my thread at the moment, I'm not really posting on anybody else's, although I am reading a few newbies. I don't feel I can offer anything 'new', as most newbies enter this site for hope, and I can't really give them that nugget their looking for right now.
This is a shout out to sandi2 in particular, but I'm keen to hear from anybody else from the 'old timers' circle.
I have the kids this weekend. We've had fun, and went on a big trip to Glasgow to go to the Lego store to pick up some bricks for my D who loves it. My S (who is autistic) doesn't really bother with toys, but loves to go on the bus/train, so we went on the Glasgow Subway as his treat. As another treat, we went to the fish and chip shop!
All OK until 0100 this morning, when D was as sick as a dog. After I cleaned up etc., I texted W to let her know and asked her to call me in the morning. I stayed up all night as D was poorly another two times - I'm knackered!
Instead of calling, W TEXTED three times to ask questions this morning instead of calling. In response, I called her because D wanted to talk to her.
I asked W why she hadn't called, and she said 'I was busy'. I was angry at this and asked what was so important that she couldn't be bothered to call her D? W had a phone conversation with D and then passes it back to me. She then asked how S had been. I told her he had had some 'meltdowns' (a symptom of autism, unfortunately) and she then said 'well,if you asked about him, you'd know he has been diagnosed with ADHD and I've got an appointment on XXth of May to see about his new medication'. I said that it was up to her to tell when these things happen. She responded with 'well, you never ask how my day has been'. I responded with you never ask how my day is and she said 'I don't care how your day has been'. The conversation kind of ended with me saying she needn't come early for the kids and she said 'well, what time' and I responded with the normal time as I had things to do and was busy myself (I'm only going to the gym - but she doesn't know that).
So, I'm asking for advice, again! Unfortunately, I've been here so long, I kind of know the tricks a WW/WAW pulls. Most of the above is shifting guilt to me (I should ask how her day went etc.) but, I just can't see any light here at all. She is cold, totally unloving and when she talks to me, it's as if she hates me. I've followed all the rules since we 'split' properly in December, but I just can't see how she can't see changes in me, see how much I care for the kids, how well I've detatched, but the bitterness burns bright and I don't know why.
Have I missed a rule or technique that I should have followed? Is this still the 'Princess' behaviour in action, after so long? I don't normally bother sandi2 - she's busy with newbies, but surely this behaviour can't last this long without any form of remorse?
I probably shouldn't ask for advice - I haven't been giving any as I feel I can't give any hope to any newbies, so I don't really deserve any.
Just feeling a bit down right now. One of those days!
To me, she contines with her entitlement attitude. You see how quickly she made it all about her? When she can't control you, then she finds a way to punish you. She withholds information on your son because you don't ask about her day.
I have known a few women who never let go of their princess entitlement. They had it before, during, and after marriage.
I really hate that you are still having to endure her wrath. I think she knows she hold the reigns because of the kids. So, that's what she will use to hurt you.
Now you know it needs to be spelled out in your custody agreement that both parents shall promptly inform the other of school and medical issues and appointments they make, make sure the other parent can participate in upcoming appointments, and that there can be no unilateral actions.
She's not going to become reasonable, I think.
Hey Huddy, glad to see others have chimed in already with sage advice and thanks for kindly visiting on my thread.
Asking about each other's day is quite different to conveying medical updates about the kids. There should be no need for you to 'ask about her day' in order to get this info. That part isn't about you and she, but about you both as parents being able to do the best job possible, and with all required info.
As for feeling you are doing everything and all is as it is - I think it pays to remember that DBing truly is primarily to save us - and may or may not save the R at some point down the line. The main thing is to be living the kind of life you want to live (given all circumstances) and to be the kind of man you want to be. If you are doing those things, I don't think you can ever lose - however things may ultimately unfold.
Hope your D is all better now and you get a better sleep tonight
x
Now you know it needs to be spelled out in your custody agreement that both parents shall promptly inform the other of school and medical issues and appointments they make, make sure the other parent can participate in upcoming appointments, and that there can be no unilateral actions.
She's not going to become reasonable, I think.
Exactly. You shouldn't have to ask.
Hi Huddy. Just to echo everyone else. You aren't going to ask if your son went for a ADHD test out of the blue
Sandi says best , she feels entitled and that could last for years t come.
As regards of you missed a trick , I would say most definitely not. Your W is obviously affected by your changes or else she wouldn't care and show indifference towards you Time is king and it's only a short time in your sitch.
Keep improving , keep being a great dad and live your life for you
Just to play devils advocate , your W left telling you she was unhappy and what's happened in your lives ?
W
She boss lives in a council flat
She's looking for cosmetic surgery
She's never happy
What future does she have to look forward to
Huddy
Appears to have moved on
Has nice new flat
Being on an exotic holiday
Improved as a dad
Getting fitter
Appears happy and content to W
If I was your W , I certainly wouldn't feel I had made the wisest choice Maybe that's were some resentment is coming from But if it is , that's her issue
Just my humble opinion
Hope D is feeling better now
Take care. Rd
Hi Everybody
Thanks, one and all for your advice/statements.
Yes, D is feeling better and is looking forward to a smoothy when she gets back to W's!
When W came to pick the kids up, something had clearly been eating at her as she has now invited me to come to the appointment and has arranged to pick me up from my flat (she hasn't offered me anything since 2nd January). I agree, I shouldn't have to ask this kind of thing - I immediately texted W when D was sick this morning.
Maybe it is some kind of resentment and thanks to a over arching rundown from RD (to be honest, I didn't realise how much I have achieved since BD) yes, I could be seen to be the winner here.
I hope everybody has a good Bank Holiday tomorrow and I hope to get some sleep tonight!
Thanks again, one and all.
Ah, resentment. Yes, it appears to have reared its ugly head.
W brought the kids over for tea and then asked what I was doing Friday. I'm not one for telling fibs, or trying to make W think I have some hot date (Sotto put me right on that one!) so I told her I was going to the gym after work and I asked why.
That's when I saw it. That resentful look that I was actually doing something with my life and I wasn't sat around moping. 'The Gym?' came the withering response, followed by a look, that is difficult to describe, but if you have seen resentment, you'll know the look.
She was asking for me to look after S as D was having a friend over for a sleepover and there is nowhere for D's friend to sleep. Of course I agreed, and said I would rearrange gym for the morning, before work. Obviously, if it had been something that W wanted to do, for her advantage, I wouldn't have re-arranged.
W then left to go back to her house, but hadn't been gone two minutes when she called to let me know that there was a rainbow outside and I needed to tell D about it. Bizarre.
When she came to pick the kids up, the cheery face she had on when she first came had gone, replaced with melancholy. I show only a confident side to W (I let me insecurities lurk in this thread) and was happy and jovial. W left with a grumpy 'bye, then'.
Hmmmmm......
Went for a meeting with my S's Consultant today about his ADD (not ADHD as W first told me). W picked me up from my flat. I had been to the gym this morning and have been uber confident.
W immediately started asking me about what I'd been doing and was especially interested in my gym routine and weight loss. Temp checking or reali interest? Don't know. Picked up my SD and for the first time visited W's accommodation. It's OK, but you can tell her hert isn't there as the garden was a mess and W loves to do gardening.
Went to the hospital and W was a bit tetchy. She kept slipping the edge of her cardigan to show me her arms. She is obviously stressed as she has scratched down one arm and has left some gouging. I noticed that she continued to do this when she was talking to me and seemed nervous.
W dropped me back off at my flat and was asking more questions. Maybe she thinks I've got somebody else. Who knows. Quite a pleasant three hours and W was talking to me about coming over for S's birthday in a few weeks.
No expectations.
I was just wondering how you were getting on. Thanks for the update. Hope appointment went well for son.
Best wishes mate
Hi Roist
Plugging on! Forgot to say that the Doctor said that the home environment has an effect on my S's autism and that separation probably isn't helping. W was very quiet on that one and didn't reply.
My W poked her head out of the fog at the weekend. Texted me twice and called once. Some of it was stuff she could have talked to me about when she picked the kids up, but I was polite and positive in my interaction.
However, she seemed to have put her head back in the fog yesterday when she brought the kids over with SD as she sat down on the setee and stared out of the window. That seems to be a problem, whenever SD comes, she reverts to being a hard ass. Don't know if this is some kind of defence mechanism or not. When she picked kids up later, with out SD, we chatted about S's birthday. I noticed that she is starting to have a 'poke about' when she comes to the flat. The past two times she has been looking in rooms etc. Maybe she thinks I've got somebody else.
So, if the fog is lifting slightly, do I make some kind of signal or just keep going as is? If she was going to come out of the fog, I don't want to give out the wrong signals.
Hi Huddy, try not to read too much into 'unnecessary' contact from your W. She may just have thought of it and wanted to deal with it there and then.
I think we do ourselves a huge disservice if we watch and wait for our spouse to get their heads out of the fog. They may do so soon, it may take one year, five or never - we just don't know.
IMHO, it was your W's choice to 'end' your M. If she regrets her choice, she will clearly let you know for sure. Until or unless that happens, I would live your life as if she isn't coming back and coparent as best you can.
From what you post, she may (or may not) have had a tiny peek out and ducked back in, but her behaviour when she came around says something too. I wouldn't analyse every interaction - it's no way to live your own life.
I think you're focusing too much on her and need to regroup and detach - it's a mini 2x4 and well meant my friend.
X
Hi Huddy. I think Sotto is right , W may or may not have glimpses out of the fog but either way if she wants back In she will let you know
In my sitch , WW tells me she is unhappy , misses her life and family BUT she has made no move to sort anything.
You ( completely understanably ) are looking for signs of hope and that's only setting yourself up for disappointment Move forward and accept that , right now , W is gone and Huddy needs are all important
Just my humble opinion
Take care. Rd
Understood! 2x4 received.
Please start a new thread