Starting up a new thread, planning on this one being the happiest one yet
Link to old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2646020&page=10
This may be met with a solid no. Lately I have been thinking a lot of asking W sister if she knows how she is. I know shouldn't, the urge is starting to overwhelm me tho.
I'm sure this breaks more than the 2 DB rules I can think of right now. As much as I want someone to tell me it's ok. I think I am more looking for someone to convince me I shouldn't.
It would be nice to know if she ever talks about me or says anything about possibly thinking its a mistake. There may be things I don't want to hear as well.
Hey Tyler,
I debate the same thing though I want to reach out to her best friend. Ever since my WW texted me with "I keep having dreams about you every night", I really want to get an idea about what is going on that head. It is very very hard to resist the urge.
I think we both know it is the wrong move. They will tell our WW's about the convo without a doubt. No matter what we hear in response, it will be bad. If we hear something positive, our expectations will grow. If we hear something bad, we will not feel very good.
I hear you about the urge though. It is hard to resist it but I think it is best.
Resist the urge. No good can come from it.
Glad to hear you had a great time with your kids today. Keep it up and things will gradually improve.
Like most urges that one passed. Like you said Pinn. If it's positive my expectaions will grow and really I only wanted to hear positive.
Meeting up again today to drop off the boys. We had a good weekend. Got outside and played even though the wind was gross. Did some crafts. Made puffed wheat squares. Made Carmel popcorn and watched inside out again.... Haha.
Next weekend it's all 4 kids again. So I am looking forward to that. Especially because 1 it will be 4 days as we have a long weekend. And 2 it will be the last time I see them for a few weeks as I have to buckle down for the last week of school and then I have my trip the weekend after school.
Although I find my confidence in myself growing all the time and feeling better about my own and kids happiness I am starting to feel like I want the hope for MR to go away. Not that I want to stop loving S just to stop wondering if this is all worth it. To stop thinking ya all of this might make things better on top of it being important to myself. I want it to just be important to myself.
I know I am getting there because I am able to talk to W without expectation most of the time. I am reminding myself that I am doing things with no strings attached. I don't expect a reaction when I do things for myself or with the kids. And I feel less nervous approaching her with subjects I would have avoided in the past because of fear of anger or judgement that would have come from her.
The roller coaster is climbing today. Now to make sure the drop is short or not at all. Just level out into a train and keep chugging forward
Tyler, I'm glad the urge passed for the time being. WHEN it comes back, resist again! I talked to a family member of my H a couple of times. I know that this family member knows what's going on and doesn't approve. Even told me one time "I'm really sorry this is happening to you." HOWEVER, I also found out that the family member was lying to me and telling H that I was contacting them. Now, I KNOW that this family member wants to tell me what's going on and does not approve. But, I also know that blood is thicker than water and no matter what, they are going to stand with their family and not with you. I was very sad when I realized that what this person was telling me was not true. I really didn't think they would blatantly lie to me to protect him. I didn't call this person out on their lies, I just texted and thanked them for "trying to help me" and then apologized for putting them in the middle and promised it would never happen again. They don't know that I know they were lying. I tried to take the high road and let them think I appreciated the LIES they were telling me but felt bad about putting them in the middle. In all honesty, I REALLY DID feel bad about asking anything anyway. And, I won't ever do it again. Please don't do this. It makes you feel bad and you won't ever know if they are being honest.
Tyler, I'm glad the urge passed for the time being. WHEN it comes back, resist again! I talked to a family member of my H a couple of times. I know that this family member knows what's going on and doesn't approve. Even told me one time "I'm really sorry this is happening to you." HOWEVER, I also found out that the family member was lying to me and telling H that I was contacting them. Now, I KNOW that this family member wants to tell me what's going on and does not approve. But, I also know that blood is thicker than water and no matter what, they are going to stand with their family and not with you. I was very sad when I realized that what this person was telling me was not true. I really didn't think they would blatantly lie to me to protect him. I didn't call this person out on their lies, I just texted and thanked them for "trying to help me" and then apologized for putting them in the middle and promised it would never happen again. They don't know that I know they were lying. I tried to take the high road and let them think I appreciated the LIES they were telling me but felt bad about putting them in the middle. In all honesty, I REALLY DID feel bad about asking anything anyway. And, I won't ever do it again. Please don't do this. It makes you feel bad and you won't ever know if they are being honest.
This is more or less exactly what happened with me as well. Right after BD, I was talking to WW's best friend. The best friend told WW (obviously) and WW lost her mind a bit. I wasn't upset at WW for getting mad... I was upset with myself for sticking her friend in a very tough spot. I want to contact the best friend bad because I have no idea where WW's head is at... but I know I cannot.
Good job resisting it Tyler
So we met today and for the most part it was good. We did chat a little about her work again. I have no expectation of er asking how I am Nd she doesn't. I don't tell either.
It just hurts she is done. OM is still in the picture and I thought I was past that. I'm not. I am so mad at myself for everything I did that contributed to this. And I am so frustrated because I have already changed and kept it up for 3 months now. With zero backslide on what I needed to do to changes. And though it feels great to myself it means nothing to her.
That is why I just want to bury these feelings and move on. I am done hurting over this. I am done with te pain she causes me. I just want to be over it and not love her anymore
Also for those that follow. I did tell her I want to meet at the indoor playground next Saturday. All I said was this is where this is when for S1 bday and the kids can play. I did not invite her to stay, I also did not tell her she couldn't. If she wants to that would be great for the kids. If not I don't care. It's not about her. It's about my family, me and my kids.
She seemed confused and caught off guard by me telling her this. Her response was a seemingly indifferent ok ya I will meet you there.
Tyler,
Be strong. I am going through similar sitch. They are lost. I have my boys and had a great day today with them! Keep on moving on!
Something I can't wrap my head around tonight and I am tired of banging my head against the wall so hopefully someone can give me some insight.
Why an affair? i understand my faults that contributed and the cries for help I missed or dismissed. The signs I didn't pick up and the signs I wrote off as her problem.
I also understand getting emotional needs met elsewhere when they are unfulfilled. I haven't and don't care to confirm PA. Though i suspect it and it wouldn't surprise me.
I just don't understand how someone can get to that point before you leave your S before D is done.
I accept my faults and I have been working my ass off to better myself for someone that has hurt me more than any person ever had or will.
Writing this out has helped me actually. I had opened a new train of thought as to why I have hope anymore. The fact that someone I love would do that to someone that they loved once fillse with disgust and resentment. I don't know if I can look at her the same anymore.
Right now if she asked to R I would give it a shot. I wouldn't jump at it like I would have a month ago. And in a month from now would I even give it a shot?
Someday I will confront her on all of this. But not until I know that the answers will not hurt anymore, that what I hear will not effect me. I will get to that point. It's not today, but I am a heck of a lot closer than I was yesterday.
Why the affair? Because this person is emotionally weak. They have poor coping skills. Their world view stems from selfishness, immaturity and a sense of entitlement. Given certain stressors, lack of happiness, boredom, not enough sex, feeling misunderstood, etc. they feel they deserve to have those happy love feelings. Plenty of other people experience the same stress or lack of feeling their needs are being met and they don't cheat. They talk about it, try to work it out with their spouse, get help themselves, or leave the relationship. They don't cheat. A cheater cheats because they want to. They want those feelings and don't stop to consider anything above themselves and all the damage they will leave in their wake. That's really about it.
Thank you flight. I have been thinking hard in what you wrote before responding to it. First I thought ok. What was the stresser, unhappiness from my actions and behaviour.
Then that got me thinking of the first part.
Because this person is emotionally weak. They have poor coping skills. Their world view stems from selfishness, immaturity and a sense of entitlement.
I started trying to think of what in her life would cause this. I don't claim to know every single detail of her upbringing though I do know a lot and how she was raised. I fail to see where these qualities would have been instilled.
The point is she has and is this person. Before I met her. This behaviour is something she has to deal with or it will be a cycle for the rest of her life. Her mother saw this and tried to warn her of that. W of course paid no attention to it.
Your post helped me more than understanding why On a psychological level which is what I was looking for. It helped me to accept that if anything is to happen between us again that she needs to accept her faults and deal with them before I will consider a MR. In short. She needs to sort herself before I can put myself in harms way again.
There was a really tough moment on the drive with the boys that I wanted to share as well. S3 asked where we were going for about the 8th time and I explained again that we were going to meet mommy so they could go to her house.
This time he asked me if I was coming too. I asked coming where?
To mommys house too, with us. I told him no I wasn't going to mommys too and he asked me why. I explained that i had to go back to our house in xxxx because that's were I lived with them. He asked if it was because the cat couldn't be alone too. And I said yes to that and had to laugh.
It's selfish but part of me hopes his innocence shakes her sometimes. That he asks her questions like that to make her think.
Someday I will confront her on all of this. But not until I know that the answers will not hurt anymore, that what I hear will not effect me. I will get to that point. It's not today, but I am a heck of a lot closer than I was yesterday.
By the time you get to that point, you won't care about what her answer would be anymore.
Why the affair? Who knows. Even if you asked her, she probably wouldn't be able to give you an answer that would make any sense to you. She felt like she needed something and chose to get it from someone outside of her marriage. I'm sorry that it happened to you, to me, and to everyone else on this list.
Because this person is emotionally weak. They have poor coping skills. Their world view stems from selfishness, immaturity and a sense of entitlement. Given certain stressors, lack of happiness, boredom, not enough sex, feeling misunderstood, etc. they feel they deserve to have those happy love feelings.
While this might be true for a lot of people that cheat, it certainly can't be used as a blanket statement for all people that cheat. There are others out there that cheat but aren't selfish, immature or have a sense of entitlement. I know that everyone on here wants to think that the LBS is great and the WAS are horrible selfish jerks that just should have stayed put, but that's not true either. Now I don't condone cheating, but sometimes people try other things and can't find a way out because of the kids, or money, abusive spouse, or whatever. And, sometimes the LBS ignore all attempts to fix the marriage because of their own problems.
I'm not saying that this has anything at all to do with you Tyler. You seem like a nice guy. I'm just saying in general, that your W may have reasons other than what was stated above for her thought process that led her down the wrong path.
Your right MB, by the time I get to the point of confronting her I wouldn't care what the reason was.
However I tend to agree with Flight on the reasoning. I admit that I too was at fault and contributed to my sitch. I have identified what I have realized and work to fix that in myself. I am sure I will see more as time goes on.
She could have come to me and said she is leaving without being with someone else first tho. She said multiple times that we each need to find our own happiness and be an I before a We. So how does she plan on being an I when she never stopped being a We? While I am supposed to figure it out in my own.
The spew is so unreal it makes me laugh. I don't even get upset anymore.
After she moved she ordered a new drivers license to change her address and I assume name back to maiden. Anyway she had been waiting for 3 weeks for it to come and gives me a blast today. Thanks for letting me know the registry office called. Been waiting on my license for 3 weeks!
I said. What message. I have passed along any messages or mail to you. And why are they phoning me?
The house was a contact but I changed that now.
So I get home and yes there is a message. Left 2 hours after I had gone out for the day! And it says they couldn't deliver it because of a issue with the address SHE gave them.
So I said. Got the message at 9 today. Passing it along. No response and probably won't be.
Love how everything is still my fault.... Makes me question myself even more
Here is another thing that grinds my gears.
W pushed and pushed to get a kitten. We already had a cat and a dog and at first I said no. Not happening. I'm not a cat guy and though I like dogs, I can easily live without. Eventually I partially broke down and said ok. As long as you feel you can handle training it and all that.
That bought me a good 6 months until a friend had a batch of kittens and she fell in love with one. So guess who got a new kitten.
Now guess where the kitten she had to have is..... That's right. She took the dog and older cat which was fine. She had the first cat before we met and the dog I got her as a companion when she first moved to my place so she had a friend. But the new cat was left with me. Not because I wanted it but because she didn't.
This cat drives me nuts. First it goes into heat and I'm ready to strangle it. Now it has started pissing on S3 bed...
Will the kids miss the cat? No. Will W be mad I gave it away, probably.
The cat is lonely. She used to play with the dog all day and now she had no one all day. And I don't do cats so she doesn't get attention from me either.
Before someone writes it. No I am not getting another cat. And I don't have time to properly train a dog. So that's out.
I guess te issue is I don't want te cat but I am holding onto it because we got it? And she will judge if I get rid of it? I am not sure why I care. I have had 2 friends offer to take her without me complaining about her.
Sounds silly but does it prove anything to W if I keep it get rid of the cat? Also. Why do I care?
What a nightmare! Can you give the cat up for adoption?
I guess te issue is I don't want te cat but I am holding onto it because we got it? And she will judge if I get rid of it? I am not sure why I care. I have had 2 friends offer to take her without me complaining about her.
Sounds silly but does it prove anything to W if I keep it get rid of the cat? Also. Why do I care?
It's not silly Tyler....its just a reminder of what was....and you still are cognizant of doing the right thing whether she is there or not. And if you did get rid of the cat and she judged you....uh.....TS. :-)
Hahaha. Thank you Thornton. The term nightmare never came to mind and that gave me a good laugh.
I'm am sure this cat knows what I thinking because she is now quietly sitting beside me being normal...
Having a thought/ realization that is small but gives me hope for the future.
After Bday, I can't remember how long after, I decided that to make myself more attractive to W I would grow and maintain a goatee. I have always been clean shaven and times when I did let it grow out a bit she liked it. So I did just that. And it was met with positivity. She told me it looked good and it wasn't fair. That made me feel good. I kept it for months.
Last weekend I decided I would shave it off. I was tired of Maintaining it etc. also thought hey I might get a comment from W. Not sure why I wanted it but I did. Anyway. She never said a word... But also. Not one of my kids said a word, not any friends. No one noticed at all. and that is fine.
Then I realized. I liked it. It started out as something for W. I look at myself and think. I liked that, time to grow it again. Makes me feel better.
This realization showed me that changes no matter how small that may have started because of S do become something for you. The bigger te change te longer I suppose. But it makes me happy to feel like te changes I have made if they aren't for me already will be soon enough. Just don't give up on them or you may miss who you have become
I guess te issue is I don't want te cat but I am holding onto it because we got it? And she will judge if I get rid of it? I am not sure why I care. I have had 2 friends offer to take her without me complaining about her.
Tyler, if you have 2 people that want to take the cat off your hands, LET THEM! The cat can be a wonderful companion for you , but if you don't want it, then give it to someone who does. The cat deserves to have love just like you do. First tell your W that you don't have time for the cat and it's lonel because it misses the dog. Ask her if she want's it. If she says no, tell her that you're giving it to a friend. Then, give it to your friend. How can your W get mad if you gave her first shot at it??
been doing great since my little melt down Sunday after seeing W. The weekend with the boys was awesome. And I have been in amazing moods waking up this week. Not sure if it's good sleeps or just getting better.
I walk around whistling lately and it makes me happier for whatever reason. Lol. School is tough but I'm taking it all in. Eating well. Keeping aclean house. Relaxing too, which is new because for the last 4 months I have been trying to occupy myself all the time.
I don't feel any need to respond to random texts from W. Yesterday she txt me saying S1 was grumpy all day and she didn't know why. I responded without offering advice or trying to fix it. Just said it's frustrating hope he gets better kind of thing.
Today she texted he is teething 2 more teeth that's why he was being a turd yesterday. I didn't see any need to respond. Still don't. Part of me feels like I should but it's habit. Part of me feels if I don't respond it's like I don't care about S but I know that's not true and babies teeth, he is going to for awhile still. What is responding going to do other than keep me attached to her and fill needs she wants from me. And that isn't happening until A is over.
I love it! Great job man! Perhaps you are finally reaching detachment...
I like the positivity I'm reading in your posts. Keep moving forward!
Oh. I also have to 2nd the earlier idea about your cat. A though we tend to think of cats as being solitary animals, they are social and need companions. If neither you nor your W wants the cat, take one of your friends up on their offer to take the cat. It deserves a home where it will have so.e companionship whether human or similar to previous with dog.
I was talking to IC today and I get the feeling from her she thinks I am taking the detaching too far. I told her about not responding to the teething thing and though she understands what I am trying to do and that it is up to me to respond or not. That she was just filling me in on what is bothering S1 not necessarily looking for me to be a ear to listen.
I feel a little confused like maybe I am going to far with it sometimes and I should have responded to her telling me why S1 was in a bad mood Monday.
If she's filling you in, fine. Now you know, right?
Detaching isn't for her, or try to "trick" her back somehow; it's for YOU.
You need the space to process, think, and live your life right now.
Your IC probably just wants you to think about the whys and the hows or your responses or contacts would be my guess.
Ya. She gets that it's part of a grieving process and adjustment. I think it's more that I don't think of everything as a way for her to just be in contact that at times it's just to fill me in.
As far as detaching to trick her. That is not my case at all. It is for me, as far as I know W is oblivious to any changes I have made. She is far to self absorbed right now and it has started to clear up the rose coloured glasses I have been wearing.
I'm not saying I don't still love W. I do. I have realized I had her on a pedestal and am taking her down.
I'm not saying I don't still love W. I do. I have realized I had her on a pedestal and am taking her down.
thats a great observation. I still love my wife as well but she is no longer on a pedestal either. I now see that detachment enables things to be done free of emotions
stick with it tyler.
You're doing fine, Tyler. I think you're doing well, anyways.
The detach is the hardest part for any of us. The range of emotions you go through on the daily is something every person on the board can relate to, I promise you that.
I remember my S6 telling me that the way I made oatmeal was not "as good as mom's." I told him "I'm sorry buddy, I wish I could make it the way she does." I then went to the backyard and cried... over oatmeal...
It seems so silly to me now but at the time I felt like the biggest failure in the world.
Thanks for the support mowgli. I appreciate it.
WW are funny creatures. I talked to S3 last night and after W got on the phone and told me about her day and how boys are doing. She asked about Saturday and if i was getting older 2 before meeting her. I said yes is that a problem? She said no. Just thinking that we could meet Friday night for the boys. I said sorry I have plans. Which I do.
She mentioned she was taking Friday off work, which is fine I don't care and I didn't ask. But when I mentioned that on Saturday at S1 party that she was welcome to stay if she wanted to, she replied it would be confusing for the kids and she had to work Saturday.
I simply said its too bad she has to work because it will be a fun time. She then said she can't give up work right now it's kind of crucial to get hours. I replied yes I understand, I am looking forward to getting back to work soon too.
After that I realized. So you have to work Saturday because it's crucial right now but your taking Friday off? Where is the logic in that? I guess she has something important to do.
Either way I am going to have a blast with the kids and if she stays and enjoys it too that's nice. If not, no sweat off my back.
Way to navigate through the fog, man. Maybe that made her think as well...
Tyler
trying to make logical sense out of what they do and say is a waste of time.
I spent many days doing it and still do. You will drive yourself crazy!
I totally agree Otw. And I'm not trying to figure out her thought process. Because it's all over the pkace.
The last few days while good days have been sprinkled with sadness of W. Questioning the process and wanting to reach out. The good news is that I am finding it fewer and further between, shorter and able to switch my mind to something else.
The hurt is still fresh sometimes and I find myself thinking of te future too much. Especially a future involving her. I stop myself and remember it has been a short period. 4 months since bday and 4 weeks since she moved out. It seems like so long am so short of a time at the same time.
The last few days I have been juggling a thought back and forth as to how I should continue DBing. I know that I am not detached and I still carry a lot of emotion for W, at the same time I do feel like I am making progress with myself and handling situations better than I have in the past.
Lately I have been feeling an urge to talk more with W. Like I am taking limiting contact too far and if continued will tell W that I have moved on and am no longer interested. She being the stubborn type will in my opinion not say or do anything to me. Just think he's done and an a'hole.
Is there a point where her feeling the loss is missed and becomes resentment or anger that I didn't pursue? W's pride will keep her from reaching out to me if and when she does think back and feel a need to address anything with me.
I know there is no timeline attached to any of this, and until I do detach I will be waiting for her to come to me. It feels like she has already detached and I am playing catch up on the whole situation
Tyler, first let me tell you that you are doing a WONDERFUL job with DBing. You have really taken to heart the DB process and are doing a great job with all of it. You are detaching, validating, GALing, acting as if, and basically moving on all while going to college and coparenting 4 small children. Not to mention, you're doing such a good job doing all of this during an emotionally devastating time. I am often frustrated in myself that I haven't been able to do any of this nearly as well as you have. You really should be proud of yourself.
With that being said, when I read your last post I could, unfortunately, relate to this question.
[quote=Tyler12]Is there a point where her feeling the loss is missed and becomes resentment or anger that I didn't pursue? W's pride will keep her from reaching out to me if and when she does think back and feel a need to address anything with me.
When I was 18 years old I was engaged. I eventually broke off that engagement. It was a long distance relationship & I wanted someone that I could see more than once every couple of months. When I broke it off, he was very nice and did the usual crying, begging, reasoning that we all do at BD. I can still remember his face, the exact words he said to me, the promises he made when he was bargaining. My XF NEVER, NOT ONE TIME, ever contacted me. I eventually married someone else. Eventually it did make me mad that he never called or wrote or anything. I mean, he claimed to love me but I always thought XF must not have cared that much about me because he never fought for me or our relationship. That man is my current H. It took him 18 YEARS to reach out to me!!! When I asked H why he never called, he said it was because he didn't think I wanted to talk to him. When I broke up with him, I did tell him not to call me, but he didn't even try. I wouldn't have been receptive to it right after breakup, but eventually I would have been and I would have loved to talk to him. If he had just called back then, we might have ended up marrying years ago before he had such hidden resentment towards me for leaving him. Could have saved us both a LOT of heartache.
Not sure exactly what you do with that information, I just wanted to let you know that it can and does happen. I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't know the best way to handle it. Hopefully one of the vets will give you some of their words of wisdom on how to make sure your W can find her way home if and when she's ready.
Are you all ready for your baby's first birthday party? Are you having the actual party at the indoor playground, or are you meeting family there to play and then going back to your house for cake and all that? I bet he's going to be so excited. I'm sure he will have a great time. You'll have to let us know how it goes.
Tyler, first let me tell you that you are doing a WONDERFUL job with DBing. You have really taken to heart the DB process and are doing a great job with all of it. You are detaching, validating, GALing, acting as if, and basically moving on all while going to college and coparenting 4 small children. Not to mention, you're doing such a good job doing all of this during an emotionally devastating time. I am often frustrated in myself that I haven't been able to do any of this nearly as well as you have. You really should be proud of yourself.
With that being said, when I read your last post I could, unfortunately, relate to this question.
Is there a point where her feeling the loss is missed and becomes resentment or anger that I didn't pursue? W's pride will keep her from reaching out to me if and when she does think back and feel a need to address anything with me.
When I was 18 years old I was engaged. I eventually broke off that engagement. It was a long distance relationship & I wanted someone that I could see more than once every couple of months. When I broke it off, he was very nice and did the usual crying, begging, reasoning that we all do at BD. I can still remember his face, the exact words he said to me, the promises he made when he was bargaining. My XF NEVER, NOT ONE TIME, ever contacted me. I eventually married someone else. Eventually it did make me mad that he never called or wrote or anything. I mean, he claimed to love me but I always thought XF must not have cared that much about me because he never fought for me or our relationship. That man is my current H. It took him 18 YEARS to reach out to me!!! When I asked H why he never called, he said it was because he didn't think I wanted to talk to him. When I broke up with him, I did tell him not to call me, but he didn't even try. I wouldn't have been receptive to it right after breakup, but eventually I would have been and I would have loved to talk to him. If he had just called back then, we might have ended up marrying years ago before he had such hidden resentment towards me for leaving him. Could have saved us both a LOT of heartache.
Not sure exactly what you do with that information, I just wanted to let you know that it can and does happen. I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't know the best way to handle it. Hopefully one of the vets will give you some of their words of wisdom on how to make sure your W can find her way home if and when she's ready.
Are you all ready for your baby's first birthday party? Are you having the actual party at the indoor playground, or are you meeting family there to play and then going back to your house for cake and all that? I bet he's going to be so excited. I'm sure he will have a great time. You'll have to let us know how it goes.
Not sure why my first post was messed up. That was weird. Resent it so the quote would be right and not confuse you.
MB, were you a wayward woman when you broke off the engagement?
It's funny how something from the past can mean more now than it did when the memory was made. Music is my example here.
On the drive to school today our first dance song from our wedding came on. I reached to switch it but stopped and thought. Sometimes you have to work through things.
Now I did shed some tears, they fell over a smile for good memories though and I wasn't the sobbing mess I would have been in the past. It's probably the first time I have heard it since wedding and I realized the words are more true to me now than thu were when the memory was made.
If your interested the song is Hold on by Michael buble
Thank you MB. Your kind words always help me get my head straight. Your story does help in a way as it shows that it is possible for feelings to stick around for a long time. I don't want to set my life on that though. To forever be hoping she still thinks about us.
And Sandi. I was excited to see your name! As I was thinking before I read this morning it's been a long time since I heard from you, Azzork and Zeus. Then I had to laugh cause it was a question for MB. Which is totally fine. This place is like a home and friends are welcome to come over and talk amongst themselves.
I am happy you are still reading my post and I do wonder if you have any thoughts or observations you would share. Good or bad. There are times I need the slap of reality that you or Azzork and Zeus have to me.
Just wanted to update on a interaction I had with W today. And a change in myself that I like and may be what I have been looking for the past couple days.
I texted her to let her know what time I wanted to meet tomorrow as she had asked and I said I would get back to her. So she said she will make it work and that she would bring cupcakes for the party.
I replied that i had planned on doing the same though it has been 20 years since I last attempted a cake and that didn't pan out well.
She said oh ok. I won't bother bringing any then.
I felt like I was being cold here. I had planned the whole day and handled it all. She was looking to be involved in S1 bday too. So I replied, I can't make something with the kids on the weekend. And I don't want to ruin his cupcakes by mixing up baking soda and baking powder again. (I did this once with biscuits. It wasn't good).
She laughed and said ok.
Now whether it meant anything to her or not that's her. This little act makes me feel good about myself and more like an action that is me. she has always made all the kids their cakes and this continues that for her. It's not a huge issue that I am not making the cupcakes as I have party hats and plates and a gift and the day planned already. I am excited for it!
A part of me really misses W baking too.... Haha
One more thing S1 bday party will bring ha this will be the first time since she moved out she and older 2 will see each other. Before leaving she made it a point that she still wanted to be part of their life. I always said its up to them. They are 12 and 9. And last I heard from D12 she hadn't heard anything from W since a couple days after she left.
There may be some interesting interaction there. I do hope it doesn't negatively effect the kids. It may be good for her to see all the kids together. Though that is was and is not my intention of this party at all. This is all for the kids doing something new in s new place and seeing for myself that I can plan things like this without fear of failire
Sounds like you did a good job of planning and I think the way you handled the situation with your W and the cupcakes was great. Nice compromise and use of humor. WTG. Hope the kids love the party!!!!
Had a amazing day with the kids today. W stayed for a very short time before leaving. I won't go into detail of it all unless someone wants to know.
All the kids and myself are quite tired and although it was a great day it ends a little sadly. When tucking in S3 he said. I like you daddy and I like mommy too. I told him we like him too and laughed. He then said he wants mommy to live here again. At my house. I reassured him that mommy and daddy love him very much and wished him sweet dreams.
It was hard to hear from a three year old. I have no idea if he says things like this to W or if it's just here.
It's a small thing I guess that makes things hard sometimes. But it won't overshadow the awesome day we had today.
MB, I am doubling down
Their world view stems from selfishness, immaturity and a sense of entitlement.
I stand by that statement and say yes, this blanket statement applies to ALL cheaters.
1. Selfish - They thought only of themselves. They put themselves and their jollies, their "feelings" first. They didn't care about the collateral damage. They may not be selfish in everything or for their entire lives, but having an affair is the most callous and selfish act imaginable. They ignored the little voice telling them what this would do to their spouse, their children, their friends, their family, etc.
2. Immaturity - Giveng all of the other options (working on the marriage, leaving it ethically) they chose the easy path. They were not emotionally or ethically mature enough to do the decent thing. They couldn't stop themselves.
3. Entitlement - "I deserve to be happy", "I sacrificed for everyone else all these years, now it's MY turn", "You weren't meeting my needs". If any word describes the actions of someone who has an affair, it is that they feel entitled. My "happiness" trumps yours.
Could we all cheat given the right circumstances? Maybe. But there is something in the thought processes of a cheater that allows them to more easily do it than most and then rationalize and justify it in order to live with themselves.
Tyler,
I started trying to think of what in her life would cause this. I don't claim to know every single detail of her upbringing though I do know a lot and how she was raised. I fail to see where these qualities would have been instilled.
Don't drive yourself crazy with this. I know we all want to get into the psychology of it and want to find a reason for bad behavior, but it really doesn't matter in the end, at least not for us. This is the domain of the cheater to deal with. And if you believe MWD, instead of spending years looking at all the influenes in your life that made you this way, you can just recognize your bad behaviors and stop doing them
The danger in trying to figure out why anyone other than ourselves is the way they are is that we put the focus on the wrong person. We should focus on our own behaviors. Besides, trying to "fix" our spouses is about the worst thing you can do. We are the last people they want to hear tell them about their faults.
And you have been looking at yourself, which is great. Just don't confuse your contribution to the state or your marriage as having any causality with her choice to have an affair. The affair is not your fault. "My marriage made me do it" and "My spouse made me do it" are the two most cowardly excuses I have ever heard. It just comes from lack of taking personal responsibility for ones actions. You were unhappy in your marriage? Fine. You had a lot of other choices that did not involve infidelity.
Your spouse has to fix the damage caused by the affair and the thinking that allowed an affair to have even been considered as an option. Then you can both work on what you brought to the marriage and fix that. And yes, you can work on those things in the meantime because they are going to help make sure you have a better relationship with your spouse if you reconcile or with someone else if you don't.
I feel for you and everyone else on the board who goes though such a gut wrencing, horrible, self-esteem sucking process.
Just checking in Tyler. Been busy at work lately so it's been hard to get on as much.
Just letting you know I haven't felt like I needed to slap you of late. 😉
Sounds like you're doing pretty well. Keep taking things a day at a time. See if you can keep from looking too far backwards.
I wanted to go into what Zeus was taking about in azzorks thread and my feeling powerless with wife's actions. And her actions happening because she is trying to get control of her own life.
The exact example is OM involved in my sons lives. He has been introduced to them pretty much from start of A as far as I know. They play happy little family and go to the zoo and all that bs and it makes me angry and sick to my stomach.
Recently what bothers me more is more complicated. And has a bit of a longer back story. So OM owns a house which he is rarely at as he works away from home 25+ days a month. His mother lives at the house and he pretty much just crashes there on days off. He is/ was away working. And his mother was/is away on vacation and W was asked to house sit and dog sit so for the last few weeks has been living with the boys at his house..... And when he came back from work I don't believe she went home for those days. Just stayed here with him.
To me it is frustrating and angering, saddening and a whole range of emotions. Yet if I say I don't want this then to her I am being controlling and I will get told we are not together and I have no right to tell her how to live her life even if it effects the boys.
MB, were you a wayward woman when you broke off the engagement?
Yes. My H lived 8 hrs away and that was before cell phones. So, we talked for about 10 minutes on the phone every other Saturday, wrote letters, and saw each other for a weekend every other month and begged him to move closer every time I saw him. He never did and there wasn't much contact between us. I met my XH because one of my friends liked him (he didn't like her). A group of us hung out together and we became friends. When my friend moved, he wanted to go out with me. We started seeing each other and I broke the engagement off with H. I was young and incredibly stupid and have always regretted it. I can't change the past and I've apologized for it I don't know how many times. That's another reason that it's so hard for me to let go now. When I married him I promised myself that I wouldn't ever hurt him again. I have felt so guilty about what I did to him for most of my life and I can't seem to get past it. I do believe that he holds it against me and almost feel like he thinks he needs to punish me for it . It's just such a sad situation.
Nothing you did warrants his abusive behavior, MB. When you left you were standing up for yourself and your children. You have no reason to feel guilty. Time to read more on codependency.
Had a amazing day with the kids today. W stayed for a very short time before leaving. I won't go into detail of it all unless someone wants to know.
dreams.
It was hard to hear from a three year old. I have no idea if he says things like this to W or if it's just here.
Tyler, so glad you guys had a great time!!! I know you were really looking forward to it.
He probably says the same things to her and it probably makes her sad for him too. Not that it's going to make her change her mind, but I would imagine that anytime the kids are sad she feels it too. You handled it well. There's just no easy and painless way to pull a child's world apart. Hopefully your W will wake up before it's too late and realized what she's doing. But, if she doesn't, they have a great dad looking after them. I know you will do whatever you have to do to help them get through this difficult time.
Well, another day has come and gone. I had another great day with the kids. We played games and built snowmen. Had dance parties and made cookies. They all helped with supper and we are getting ready for bed.
Here's the catch, after W saw us all yesterday and stayed for the little bit to sing happy bday to S1, I wasn't sure what I thought or expected, the problem was I expected something. Every time the boys have been here she has always texted to see how they are doing fairly early in the morning. Today nothing until bed time for the young 2. It bothered me because it means to me she was preoccupied with something else. And being v day it bothers me more.
S3 wanted to talk to her before bed so he did. He still talks on speaker phone cause he feels like he has to look at phone and he doesn't hold it to his ear right yet. She was either at a party or like she claimed. Watching frozen.... Either way she sounded drunk and when he asked if she was in bed too she said no. After the movie WE will go to bed.
I caught that possible slip of the tongue right away and it didn't really hurt, it didn't surprise me, it didn't even anger me. It's also possible I am reading into everything too much, the point is what I feel is disgust.
Disgust with myself for hanging onto this. For shedding so many tears over this. For having this distorted vision that things will be back to a family someday. Disgust that I want to be with someone and love someone, have that someone love me back that would walk away from a family, tear apart 4 children's world all for a selfish, entitled feeling of their own happiness. Which she couldn't even do on her own.
I feel stupid for holding out hope for someone that would do this to another person. Zues nailed it on the head today when he wrote this.
Sometimes I think, who are these people that would get involved with a married person?
Then I think, who are these people that would get involved with OP when they are married?
But I always go back to, who are these people that would allow themselves to remain emotionally attached to a married person that would get involved with OP?
Tomorrow is another day, a day for me and my kids, a day to get up live my life because I am tired of being tangled up and held down by this rope, time to drop it and walk away
Interesting points, Ty.
Having self respect is very important. If you can't respect yourself, how will anybody else.
I think you are doing very well considering. Keep up the great job you're doing with your kids.
Finished another book last night. Now I have some tools to attempt to stop being a "nice guy".
The binding theme of everything I read rotates around just being yourself and not worrying about what others think. Why should it affect who your are and how you act? Why let your expectaions of how others will react or judge you define who you are or want to be?
I understand that doesn't give you a license to be a total a'hole or rude and demeaning to people. Also I know almost everyone has told me this many times, I just wasn't ready to listen.
I have lived through everyday since Bday and became stronger personally, I have survived every day and night since W left, each day I am ok, I don't die. And it will continue to be that way until my journey is over.
I allowed my R to define who I was, I allowed W to dictate my behaviour at times, with her words, actions and my wxpectaions of her reaction to what I did or did not do.
I also allowed my family to control my emotions, I let people including my family walk all over me, making feel like I needed to repress my emotions to keep the peace and not rock the boat. And it made me unhappy though I didn't realize it at the time.
I would escape on the computer where there I was anonymous and unafraid of what people said or how I felt and I allowed myself to be absorbed in a fantasy world where I never had to deal with "real" people.
Everyday I am stronger, even when I am upset and feel like an emotional wreck, it makes me stronger because the next time, it isn't as powerful against me.
In a lot of previous posts I bragged that I was moving on, detaching and letting go. Only to be slapped back down and shown I am no where near as far along as I thought. At this time I am not going to claim I am done, that I am detached or moved on, I am going to say that I have the drive to want to, that I understand it will take time and be a roller coaster. And each time I'm down, the only way is up!
I am not sure what exactly triggered the thought process I have adopted this week, probably a mix of everything to this point. The realization that I have faults, I am and have addressed them, that I will continue to fix them and find new ones along the way. That I can no longer let people define who I am. Enough of being a doormat.
I spoke last night of dropping the rope and today I am stil focused on that goal, a realization I had while thinking about the rope was my visualization of the rope I holding. I am sure each person if they envision the rope they are holding onto see it differently in their minds eye. For some it may be a string or just a regular rope. For me I see it as a massive cable of a rope, the type that would tie a ship to the docks. Big enough you could walk up it if you wanted. That made me realize how large of an attachment I have and if I think what I am holding onto is so massive how could I possibly expect to hold that rope up?
If I ever decide to pick up a new rope I will be examining this rope and making sure it is manageable and never becoming more than I can handle, that it becomes so large I can hang every and all expectations on it.
Sorry for the long morning rant. Just had a lot in my mind this morning, as I wrote more and more came to me and I let it out. Hope everyone has a wonderful day!
Great job identifying some things in your M.
I too, let my relationship define me. That's why I'm so lost now that it's gone. I would walk on eggshells with WAW and hope I wouldn't piss her off. I was terrified she'd leave me again. Go figure..
Keep going Tyler, I think you are making huge strides right now. You are having lots of epiphanies and coming into your own. Keep up the good work.
Tyler12,
I think the "roller coaster" of saying you are letting go and then getting sucked back in into wanting to reconcile is completely normal. Or, at least, I hope it is because I feel like that happens to me all the time. Just when I think that I am moving forward toward acceptance, something happens to drag me back to desperately wanting to reconcile. Do you ever feel like you are "faking it"? I do!
I love your visualization of the rope and how heavy it is. I intend to use that to help me as I move towards making myself stronger for whatever lies ahead. I, too, have a tremendous attachment to my H and family. My counselor said while that means it will take longer to detach from him, she also said the good news is that those of us that have attached so strongly will definitely attach in the future. Except in the future, I think the rope shouldn't be so heavy for us. A healthy relationship probably has different size ropes at different times and both people have to hold the rope to help the other.
Really great insight in your post. Thank you for sharing - I can relate to a lot of what you said but haven't been able to put it into words myself.
To me it is frustrating and angering, saddening and a whole range of emotions. Yet if I say I don't want this then to her I am being controlling and I will get told we are not together and I have no right to tell her how to live her life even if it effects the boys.
No, you dont really have any control over her. But if you are genuinely concerned for your kids, then I think thats OK to discuss.
Do you have any reason to think that they arent safe there? What is your actual concern regarding them?
Thank you Thornton and broke. I feel really good about where I am heading and your posts give me a positive outlook towards where I am going.
Azzork. No I don't believe they are in danger, I think my issue stems from a lack of control in their lives. Not that I want to overlook each and every aspect, more to over see it. I also have a fear that I am being replaced in a sense. I know I am their father and that can never be changed. It's more they are doing things, having life events that OM is involved in and not myself. The problem is that this is still very new in the grand sense of life. And that will pass. It did with my older 2 when I separated from first W. And now I am excited to hear about their adventures, tho they don't involve OP as she is single.. I think? Don't really care. Haha.
I have an advantage in being able to draw off previous detachment and D and know that I come out te other side alive and well. The issues I have are personal, jealousy, fear, acceptance. They are subsiding and though they may rear their ugly head from time to time I am making the conscious decision to address my emotions instead of reacting to them.
the point is what I feel is disgust.
Disgust with myself for hanging onto this. For shedding so many tears over this. For having this distorted vision that things will be back to a family someday. Disgust that I want to be with someone and love someone, have that someone love me back that would walk away from a family, tear apart 4 children's world all for a selfish, entitled feeling of their own happiness. Which she couldn't even do on her own.
I feel stupid for holding out hope for someone that would do this to another person. Zues nailed it on the head today when he wrote this.
I am so felling like this today and can totally relate. Some days I want to reconcile and other days I am disgusted with myself for wanting to stay and be with someone who has absolutely no respect for me or our marriage. I also don't know how someone can say they care / are concerned for the child(ren) yet still do what they do.
It sounds like you had a big revelation and are making progress. I also liked your rope analogy because I see the same type of rope. Keep up the work, D3 wants my attention. Got to go.
I feel stupid for holding out hope for someone that would do this to another person. Zues nailed it on the head today when he wrote this.
Sometimes I think, who are these people that would get involved with a married person?
Then I think, who are these people that would get involved with OP when they are married?
But I always go back to, who are these people that would allow themselves to remain emotionally attached to a married person that would get involved with OP?
That last sentence is very interesting and an excellent point. However, we are all flawed and prone to temptation. I was actually the one with the EA in my first marriage and I have the opportunity to see both sides.
It was 18 years ago and I promised myself I'd never go down that path again. The guilt, shame, and the broken bond of trust are never worth it. That experience does give me some insight on how my WW feels though. Cheating sneaks up on a person. It starts out as friendship, attraction, then you end up complaining about your spouse. The next thing you know you are in love and can't turn it around until it runs it's course.
I've been tempted to get too close to other women while in my 2nd marriage but never let anything develop. If I started to see trouble by getting too close to someone else, I'd turn the other way and never look back. I owed my 2nd wife that, I never wanted to hurt her like I did my 1st wife. Sometimes you need to have that type of experience to realize what is happening and when to nip it in the bud.
Look what good it did me!
The resentment, anger and disgust for this person I called my W is at a high today. For someone who I trusted with all of me to have the ability to say so much sh!t and act the complete opposite, totally self absorbed with no one in her mind but herself. Tho she will say she is thinking of the kids too, which is bs.
When she still lived in the house she would say stuff like she was afraid I would fall back into financial trouble again because she wasn't there to watch over it and manage it. I was too. And I am doing fine with it, except the money I had to get me through school is now gone, Why? Because she wasn't getting any income and I had to cover bills, day care costs from here and she felt entitled to pay her rent with my mortgage money as "her check would cover it and her land lord was up her a$$". Well she had been gone a month now and have I seen any of it back? Not a red cent. Now my mortgage company wants their money and I don't have it.
I asked her yesterday if I can give them a date? And all I got back was I have to move money over for my car payment.
She didn't want me in financial trouble and know what I may be because she f'd me over on this!
Oh and it was soooo important that the older 2 kids her step kids remained part of her life. I asked D12 if she had texted her at all in a month. Nope not once. She said hi and gave them a hug when we met for S1 b day but that was it. Never asks about them. How their life is. She has become such a disgusting person to me. The loving caring beautiful souled woman I loved is gone.
Is she gone forever? I don't really care right now. It just makes me mad because I still feel the pull of my heart toward her, it's sad because it's toward the woman she was, not is.
I want to add that I am pissed at myself for leaving myself open to allowing her to access my money as I was working on moving direct withdrawals to my account. I put it off a bit. It is all done now and there is no reason for me to have any money in the joint account from now on.
Hey Ty,
Totally understand your anger, I do. Come here to vent and get it out but do not release it on your W.
You are in a anger stage right now but it won't last forever. You might end up back in the loneliness and start really missing W again. Don't make any mistakes here that could hurt your chances in the future.
Find ways to release that anger without going off on your W.
I understand releasing anger towards her will not do anything positive. I am not going to bring up the subject with her every time I talk to her either.
I am going to remind her from time to time and in a calm undemanding fashion. Venting here is the best way to release the stress I find and it stops me from doing stupid things like pestering her or bringing up the subject to her family who I still talk to.
To clarify I don't talk to her family about R at all, I did and it didn't help. Her mom and I have a great relationship and MIL has said many times she still considers older 2 her grandchildren as well.
Anyway, yes Thornton, as hard as it is sometimes not to jump down her throat with my frustration in the end it's not what I want to do, I more want her to realize the stress she is causing, it won't be soon. Just hope she pulled her head out of whatever orfice she has it shoved ip
Hi Ty,
I know its easier said than done, oh boy do I know that! But you got to stop saving her when she is in a pinch. She needs to feel the loss of you, in order to start missing you. If you keep saving her, she may keep walking on you. Create some distance and boundaries. If for nothing else your own financial well being. You may want to talk to the mortgage company and see if you can make an interest only payment or partial payment to get caught up too.
Other than the 100$ right when she moved I haven't intentionally bailed her out. As far as bills and her rent. I had to pay the bills. They are in my name and I can't put them off anymore. As for her rent. The money was in the account waiting to be taken by my mortgage company and she just paid her rent with it saying her check would cover it. Well that was 2 weeks ago. I'm not giving her anything. But I need what she took back so I can cover my stuff.
So sorry to hear that your W has put you in a financial bind. That also socks that she out right lied to your 2 older kids and then they have the audacity to think they are doing right by everyone. I feel your pain Tyler12. I hope things turn around for you.
Good idea getting that money out of the joint account into solo account. I have been dawdling to do the same. Your story has inspired me to be a bit more pro active on that front.
W asked to talk today about meeting for the boys, to call her when I had a minute. We already discussed this.... But anyway I called and explained exactly what we had decided. And for whatever reason o asked how her day was. I was going to say bye but I asked.
Just solidifying this is not the same person. This is a woman that rarely drank let alone got drunk while we were together now she says she is happy she didn't throw up at work today because she was really hung over from a bday party last night. And I don't care what she is doing, it's just confirming to me this is not the woman I fell in love with and of this is who she is I don't know if I would love her given the chance.
On the plus side inget to see her tonight too! (That should be read with sarcasm intended).
On a down side it will be the last time I see any of my kids for a few weeks, I have t set up so I can focus on finishing school strong. I am going to miss them a lot. I need to really put my nose In the books for these 2 weeks left tho.
Then hopefully I can get away for that weekend after school. But u less W starts paying me back it's not happening
I need some support or advice. As I am getting closer to seeing WW tonight I feel like I am squeezing the rope. I am asking myself and God why this is happening. Why is it so hard at times and do seemingly easy for her.
I just want her to want me.
I feel like after days of anger I would be willing to forgive all for some affection. Why am I so weak when I see her. It blows
You love her. That's why.
I wish there was a way to read our W's minds. Be cool and calm when you see her tonight. Fake it if you have to.
Don't worry about it anymore. I'm done. She showed up with OM in his truck to pick up the boys. I'm f u c k I n g over it
Damn. Im so sorry man. I can only imagine...
Oh I am so sorry. That's awful. I dread the day my kids have to meet the OW. Your pain must be overwhelming.
I broke down and ranted to her sister. I have a large rant and full disclosure that I will post when I get home.
Just breathe right now, Ty. Just breathe.
Im sure your body is pumping adrenaline. Slow your breathing. We're here when you need us buddy.
I just don't know what to do anymore this whole situation tonight as totally rocked me. I vented to her sister that you know it was unbelievable to me and she said that she's just trying to get a reaction out of me I don't understand why she would want a reaction out of me her sister said she craves attention and she's just putting on a show because it's not all happiness over there not that she's talk to her in a long time.
How did you handle in front of OM and your WW?
Yeah, that was a classless move by W. Don't sink to he level, Ty. Its a setup. Let it go.
You will need to draw on your inner strength to not react. Plus your kids are watching. Show them how a real man handles these things.
Agree with Thornton. I hope you were able to be calm. I know I prob would not be and it's completely understandable if you weren't. Be the better person. Your kids will remember and appreciate someday.
So sorry to hear that. I feel ill thinking about your situation. She showed a complete lack of respect not only for you but your boys as well. We're you able to fake your way through the ordeal? Are you able to hold your head high? Might not feel good now but those things will definitely make you feel better tomorrow or the next day.
Hey, sorry it was so long since my melt down, i have been home for awhile but was talking to sister in law, it started with ranting but we ended up chatting about our lives and kids and everything for over 3 hours, it was nice to just talk to someone.
Anyway, so the drop off. I handled it well, i hugged my boys like it was the last time i ever would, not that it is, but you never know. And i dont want to ever feel like i half a$$ed it with them. they had to be woke up to move their car seats over, but i focused on them. When they were moved over W tried to engage me in conversation and i didnt bother. She made a comment about it being cold out, i said not really i find it pretty nice for the middle of feb. but i need to get going have a safe drive. Got in my vehicle and left.
Then the tears started and i had to talk to someone. Sis in law reassured me she is putting on a fake face, acting like everything is all happy when its not. That she is just trying to get a reaction out of me.
I asked why she would bother, and was told because thats who she is, she needs attention all the time. Sis, told me to what you all have and i have been doing, dont linger on it and think bigger, focus on doing things you want.
I planned on going to the gym tonight to burn off some steam but just chatting with someone about their lives and laughing at jokes and happenings was therapudic too.
Its late now so im off to bed.
Thanks again for the support everyone
. For me I see it as a massive cable of a rope, the type that would tie a ship to the docks. Big enough you could walk up it if you wanted. That made me realize how large of an attachment I have and if I think what I am holding onto is so massive how could I possibly expect to hold that rope up?
Tyler, DROP THE ROPE, that's MY rope! Lol. I seem to envision the same exact kind of rope you are. It's definitely weighing me down. I can honestly say that since ow was here visiting with me, I am definitely more detached and feel more at peace than I have since BD. Seems odd that such a painful event would somehow make me feel better. I guess I could just be numb inside again and just not feeling the pain, but this feels different. I know that it may not stick this time, but maybe it will make it easier to get this feeling back again and, who knows, maybe someday I can keep it for good.
I really liked your last post. You seem to really growing and are so in touch with your feelings and emotions. Of course you're not completely detached yet. You love this woman and were committed to your marriage. There would be something wrong with you if you could just let go at will without having to go through all of the pain and hard work. You are well on your way though. If your wife were smart, she'd turn around and look for you now because it won't be long before you're gone and actually move on. Keep up the great work!
I meant that I liked your post on the 15th about the rope, not your last post because I haven't even gotten that far yet. Forgot that I have worked the last 2 days and am behind in my reading.
MB. as you keep reading your going tosee a lot of anger and pain but in the end I'm going to be OK just as you are. I was hoping you'd post you always make me smile
(((((Tyler))))) I am so sorry that happened to you. I know you try not to have expectations, but still have some and that's understandable. I also know that you NEVER expected to see OM there with your W and kids. That is such a painful thing to have to go through. Your wife was heartless to do that so early on in your separation. Just cruel. That's what I thought when I saw my X drive off with another woman, and my kids were in the back seat of his truck. We were already D but it didn't matter. It's the thought of someone else thinking they are going to step into YOUR spot as the parent. The thing is, you don't even know if he wants that job. He just happened to be there in her car. It was years ago, but I still remember every time a new woman would come into the picture, it made me so mad. I always tried to tell myself it was because I didn't KNOW her and what if she wasn't nice to my kids. But, it really boiled down to the fact that I was jealous. I was jealous that he moved on, even though I moved on FIRST. I was jealous that another woman was going to be around my kids and I didn't ever want my kids to think she was their mom. I was just jealous of the whole situation. My kids were in the car with HER. I couldn't stand it. Eventually it did get better but not until one of the women actually took the time to call and talk to me on the phone to set my mind at ease. It worked as I never worried about them leaving with her in the car. I never did let anyone but H or his older son pick up my kids. When it was proposed to me, I always said no. Never wavered from that, but that's just me. You will eventually find your way with this, but it stinks and it's just another painful thing that we are forced to have to deal with.
As for your response to her weather update, I LOVED IT. Just cut her off and leave her standing there talking to herself. Whether or not you've moved on, that would have certainly given me the impression that you didn't want to be around me any more. LOL. You didn't allow her to reel you back in not one single inch. I was totally kidding when I told you to drop MY rope, but holy cow, you dropped it right on her foot and took off running. Way to go!
........and yes Tyler, you're definitely going to be okay. You'll be okay if W comes to her senses and comes back to you, and you'll be okay if she doesn't. You have grown so much and learned so much about yourself that you may just tell her to take a hike if she comes chasing after you. The sweet part about that is it will be YOUR decision at that point and not hers.
What happens wen you see someone, a total stranger and you think to yourself. Wow. She is pretty. I would like to talk to her.
I am conflicted now. I do t believe I would approach a woman with the intention of starting R. Because I too believe it is t fair to start and R when you are not over the previous. And I have seen both sides of the discussion on this.
A part of me feels like it's wrong to spend time getting to know someone new when the initial reason is attraction. But it's also not right to be scared to talk to new people regardless of the reason.
I have a need to get out and socialize, meet new people man or woman.
I also feel like it would just be so much easier if MB would be the woman in my life
That's your wounded ego, Ty.
You saw your W with OM and it killed your ego.
Now is not the time to start chatting up pretty girls. You will fall for the first one that shows you attention and it will blow up in your face. I did that once when I was younger. Super pretty girl but totally the wrong person for me. I didnt care, she made my pain disappear.
We broke up and ALL that pain that I put a band aid on came back x10.
Feel your pain right now, dont try to medicate it with another woman. TRUST ME.
Oh... and when your W's affair blows up in her face, watch how destroyed she will be. Mark my words.
Thanks Thorton. What you said makes total sense. It would be a way to bandaid the hurt.
I was thinking about this before the sitch last night, I think the long phone call last night just made me realize I miss the human contact.
As for her being destroyed, I have talked to IC about that a bit. By jumping into A she hasn't grieved for this R and she will then grieve for 2 or just move on to a third R. I don't really care. Her mind is messed up and I don't want to attempt to understand it.
Got myself some new books tonight. Looking forward to reading them. And I will finally understand LL that everyone talks about.
I understand we can't discuss other books here, if someone could point me in the direction of some books that helped them I would appreciate it.
Today was a good day. School is getting stressful as we are starting to wrap up and next week has been dubbed "hell week". As its all tests to prepare for the government final on Friday.
The downside of today is the trip I was looking forward to going on after school isn't going to happen. I just can't afford to do it. So I don't know what I am going to do with myself for that weekend now. I told myself I am doing something regardless. I just can't justify spending anything right now. Kinda [censored].
I feel a lot better tonight than I did last night for sure. The waves of anger and sadness are far less effecting it seems. Not really sure what it is I am feeling tho. It's almost a lonely contentment. I am fine being alone and taking care of my life, some company wouldn't be bad at times tho.
I have been looking for any kind of support group around here just to get out and meet some people I can identify with. All I can find is alanon and I am not sure if that's the right group to be going to. I'll have to talk to IC and see if she knows of any I can go to.
Oh. I also signed myself up for a financial advice course offered here locally in March and a separation divorce one a week later. It caught my eye and I figured is it going to hurt me to go? No.
Last part of good news I can think of right now is I am going to coach handball at the high school this season. Not sure when it starts yet but I am looking forward to it!
Nice work, Ty.
Great attitude my friend. Check out meetup.com, there are support groups on there, some of them are men's groups and divorce groups. I need to push myself to try those myself.
I go to alanon meetings 2x a week and I'm going to try a DivorceCare group tomorrow night. You'll meet some really cool people from all walks of life.
Good luck w Hell Week!
I also feel like it would just be so much easier if MB would be the woman in my life.
Thanks Thorton. What you said makes total sense. It would be a way to bandaid the hurt.
Hey, wait! It would seem that I got to be the woman in Tyler's life AND dropped like a hot potato before I even knew I was special.
I've already been through so much. I'm not sure how much more of this my broken heart can handle!!!
My IC has given me a few books to read over the past few months. Not sure how to tell
you what they are if we're not supposed to talk about them on here.
What are you studying in college? You might have said what your major is, but I don't remember. How much longer do you have to go? I was wondering the other night about the volunteer coaching job that you were Interested in. Congrats on getting it! I know you were really hoping to be able to work with the kids again. You're going to be great at it, and they will surely keep your mind occupied. It's going to be an awesome GAL activity!
I really hate that a your W is taking advantage of you by taking your money and spending it. Do you think she intends to give it back? Maybe she'll surprise you and get it back to you before your school semester is over. Then you can still take the trip as planned. Seems sad to do all the hard work and not get the reward at the end.
Glad you're feeling better. Keep up the PMA, you're doing a great job.
Don't talk to her sister anymore. She will talk to WW at some point on your behalf thinking she's helping. Without fail. I'm sure she said she'd keep it confidential, I'm sure she said she isn't talking to WW, etc. But this WILL happen. When it does you will appear needy, clingy, and controlling. Do NOT talk to her family.
Don't talk to other women. You're married. Act with the character you wished she was showing. I just posted on Feyth's thread. Read it. You are being needy. Either you need WW, or you need out of this limbo so you can chase someone else. Stop.
Steer your life with your beliefs, not your feelings, or you're no different than WW and you will bring destruction to you and your family.
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