...then, of course, found out he was cheating just a week later. When will people wise up? We're all adults, please use your brain. If your spouse or SO says "I need space" or "I need a break" or "I need time alone" what that REALLY means is I want to start sleeping with another person and I'd like you to hang around as my plan B in case that doesn't work out. Please don't wear love blinders people. Please.
I didn't realize when my H said "I need space" what it meant. He seemed so depressed and we were already living apart. I honestly just thought that he was needing time to think about things. It sure didn't take me long to figure it out though! I knew within a week as well. Heartbreaking! I feel for your coworker and what we ALL know she's going through right now.
It's so rare that "I need space" really means someone wants space. It seems so common knowledge what it really is that I'm surprised at two things. One, that people still say it and , two, that people still fall for it.
Ok... I have never used the 'I need space' spiel in the X but I really did need.space in my M. I never cheated; the X did.
So there. But guess what? The X used that line on me.
So I guess when W said she needs more time alone, she actually meant more time with OW? Where do they get this playbook they all seem to know by heart?
I think she may mean that she's confused/ guilty etc and seeing you will make her feel more of these for the time being?
I don't think that needing space is automatically code for needing space to have an affair or already having an affair. Admittedly, some people may use it as such, though.
My (MLC) H told me he needed time apart, but when we discussed requirements for this time period, he very readily agreed that he would not be seeing anyone else. He said himself that such behavior would cause irretrievable damage and he would not do it. I know that I'm not supposed to trust anything he says according to many folks here, but I choose to believe him on this point.
So.... just because you hear the words, try not to jump straight to conclusions. Maybe there really is an affair, but it's not a given. Some people just really are lost and need time to sort out the mess in their heads.
Maybe I'm naive, but I'd rather think the best until proven otherwise.
My H is the most lost and in need of time person that could possibly exist, yet he had an OW on the side. Until I found the receipts and texts I would have bet my life on him never cheating.
How about they are only a friend!
V
I got (during PA) "I need time alone" and "I have to focus on me" during EA I got "you cant tell me who to be freinds with!" then the lies that he stopped talking to his "friend"
Same ow by the way.
I have never been one to invade someone's privacy.
I constantly asked though and was always told no. of course I know they would never admit it though. It has been 7 months and still no proof (I really have no resources to find out and we live separatly) , or confession.
Continued denials. I am told that " our problems are so much worse then an affair". That our issues have absolutely nothing to do with other woman. That there is no other woman. That our relationship was miserable for him and he needed to leave to survive. That he was at a point that he didn't want to live. That he wants nothing to do with other woman.
Julie, my H said those EXACT words to me, every single one of them and there was an EA.
Yes. I know. For me to think there is not is very foolish.
I asked him today if there was emotional affair. He said no. He said "I do not want emotional connection with any woman. This is enough".
I find his trips very suspicious. Especially upcoming one on Valentine's Day weekend. Then again, he found my trip suspicious and i never strayed and for me it would be easier and Im the one that was left so I would be guilt free.
Just like your husband, he is totally not the type. I took consolation seeing how much weight he had gained (I know how horrible that sounds) but everyone says their spouse is not the type.
Truth is, if I found out, I could just move on. No more limbo. Just move on and meet someone new.
Occasionally, I think I should take a lover, just so if he was cheating it wouldn't hurt so much. But then if he wasn't I could not live with myself.
When I found evidence of my H's PA (thousands of text messages to a female at all hours of the day and night), he practically swore on a stack of Bibles that she was just a co-worker and that I "never had to worry about him cheating on me" because that "was a line he would never cross" and he was "not that kind of man." HAHAHAHA
Oh, but I wanted to believe him. The man sat there and lied to me with the utmost sincerity while I cried my eyes out and reassured me so convincingly of his lack of interest in other women. He was so slick that he switched over to a pre-pay phone and told me he got rid of OW. Then he was texting me CONSTANTLY because he was on work travel to where OW lived and wanted to make sure I knew he wasn't with her. Except I talked to him all the way till bed time, and THEN after we said goodnight, he would go hook up with her.
No...don't believe anything your WWS says, no matter how sincere or honest or not-that-kind-of-person you think they are.
Julie, you being wise to what's really going on does give you a leg up in the situation. So many people refuse to see the truth.
NYGal, I do believe that your W saying she wants more time alone means that the affair with OW hasn't ran its course yet. I do believe it will and I do believe she'll want you back when it does. The important question, however, is will you want her? I've read so many of your threads that I feel I've gotten to know you and your W. What kind of people you are. Let me tell you....you can do way better. You're a much better person than she is. I don't think you're capable of dishing out as much cruelty to another person as she has done to you. My two cents, you should be the one telling her to get lost. With that said, if you want her, then I want you to get her so I'd give any advice I can to help you get what you want.
Julie. Your H could be the exception. Or, your H could be like mine, and the EA caused him so much guilt that he just reacted with anger towards me because he couldn't justify his own behavior. Even when confronted with the evidence and admitting to the EA, he still said in the same breath that "she has nothing to do with this."
In my sitch, the EA could have been a PA and I will never know unless he admits it. Everyone who I have talked to tells me I am kidding myself and it was a PA.
In your sitch there could be either an EA or a PA and you will never know unless he admits it. Or like I said, maybe your H is the exception. Yes, his words and behaviors fit the script, but there are exceptions to every rule. People can be angry for a lot of reasons.
Julie, don't react. Don't take a lover. If you end up divorced there will be lots of opportunities for lovers and you will be guilt free at that point and emotionally available to pursue such a relationship. In the meantime you are married, and your behavior is about you and your morals, not a reaction to H.
Anyone being told there is no affair partner just ask your spouse to take a polygraph. They cost $350-$500 and are so worth it. 99% of the time you'll get a confession before you hit the parking lot of the place.