Hey Starting a new thread
Old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...255#Post2650255This thread I feel will be a tipping point. After being so long in an in house S something has to give. I am not sure what it will be. Time will tell.
Hey,
I received an email confirmation today about tickets to a skating day that I booked about three months ago. It was for the family. W is taking the kids to her cousins this weekend the same day the tickets are to be used. She didn't know about the tickets and I forgot about it. So I have these tickets with no one to go with me. I just realized there is no one else I can think of that could go.
Is this what my life has come to? Never really felt so alone. I think I owe it to myself to just go by myself. Just to get out.
W emailed me this morning after I talked to her and told her all that had happened at the dentist. Her email had five questions in it. nothing really important, about the cost of the dentist , if they sent it to insurance, About us going out tonight to get a gift for her cousins sons birthday for this weekend and if I could have dinner ready when she get home. And how S4 was after I dropped him off at school.
With this weekend coming up I had no interest in replying right away. She is excluding me in this family event this weekend why should I answer all your questions right now?
Now as I write that I see how passive aggressive that is. Its more of the same from me, get mad at W and just stop communicating with her, don't answer calls, ignore emails and texts.
She is a talker and thrives on communication and talking and talking. I partly think its ok to wait to reply because DBing suggests it. Pull away so she pursues.
I will reply at the end of my work day as it nothing to urgent.
Hey Vise,
I understand the loneliness. I'm very much a family guy and spent almost all my free time with them. Now they're gone and I listen to the crickets chirp.
I do think you should go alone, force yourself. It will feel weird but you will gain a little confidence.
I'm thinking about seeing Star Wars by myself this weekend.
Hey Thornton,
I have gone to movies by myself a couple of times. I was glad the movies were full and people had to sit next to me.
So here I sit trying to get the momentum to get out the door to use the skating tickets. But I just sit here and an hour goes by and another one. It is nice to just sit and do nothing and not think about my sitch.
I believe a lot in destiny and things happen for a reason. I like to go with the flow and see what will come my way. To help control that I tend to stay in, or I go to a controlled event where I can just blend in and go with the flow.
I am doing good today only cried after seeing a photo of a marriage proposal, the look on the girl was amazing and of course it brought back memories of being in that same place of happiness and excitement. I was looking a photos for inspiration for a photo contest that I thought of entering.
I am debating wether or not to call my kids before they go to bed. I think for this time I don't know when they are going to bed so I will just leave it. I was thinking though about if they live with their mom then that is that something that I will be doing? I read on here that it is common to call the kids to talk to them before bed time.
This house in a mess and because I am here alone I feel obligated to clean it up. Was thinking of hiring a cleaner then taking the credit. This is typical of me, I get all these ideas of what to do but cant find the motivation to do them or I get over whelmed and don't even know where to start so I do nothing.
In the past since DBing I have found that if I plan to do just one thing a day, that seems to work. Even if it a small task that will take a couple of hours, If I plan to get it done some time during a whole day, I get it done. today should be go use the skating tickets. Just one thing to get done. It allows me to accomplish something and give me a sense of accomplishment.
Ok I think I will get ready pack my skates and just drive down there at least, and if I feel like it I will go in, if not then I can just drive back home...
Hey,
So I managed to go to the skating event. I wouldn't say I was glad I went, it was ok. A lot of families were there. It was good to get out.
W texted me that kids were going to bed and asked if I wanted to say good night.
So I got her to call my cell and I got to talk to them and say good night ect. This house is too quiet.
I have dog training and soccer tomorrow. Going to have to remember to smile and say a few words to people and not be so quiet.
This DBing road has been a long one and still looks like a lot more ahead. A lot more water needs to go under this bridge. A bridge that goes to ... who knows?
Dear V,
you do not know me. I binge read your whole thread yesterday and all I can say WOW. There are a lot of similarities between you and I, the ages are the same, together time same, kids' age same, the only 2 difs are I have a D age 7 and the second is my BD was June 2014, so 1 year before you.
I'd say that for the time frame from BD, you are doing great. In-house S must be hell, if my W was an in-house, there would most likely be a homicide somewhere in the story.
It is good you showed her some balls re: MBR.
I see you are struggling, but that is perfectly normal. You have to let your W go from your thoughts and let her find her way.
Stay strong buddy...
Hey Vapo,
It is weird how these situations seem to fit a formula. So much so that I don't know why when I went to counseling that the counselor never mentions how common it is. Instead we would go over the arguments that were already hashed out.
I think at this point my W is stubborn, her father agreed with that statement when I first talk to him about what was going on.
I think talking to the lawyer helped me let go some. It is nice to know that an old friend that is the lawyer has held out a hand to help.
I feel that right now I will not force anything toward a S agreement. I will let my W go to a lawyer to start the process if she wants to like she has threatened already. I cant see the going ahead with out Ls involved. W has in her mind that we are leaving L out of it but it leaves so much open for things to go wrong in the future. I have been involved with a real estate transaction that was based on word and trust only to have it blow up in my face and partly causing the trouble with my W that I am having now.
W had the boys over night at her cousins and the youngest was sick that night, W was up most of the night with him and the whole time he was crying for me. I have been putting in a lot of daddy time with them since DBing. They have been my focus. On the drive home (two hours) he asked W to call me so he could talk to him during the ride home. So I talked to him to help him feel better during the drive.
When they arrived home W tried to talk me out of going to my GAL soccer. But he was doing good. She tried to lay on the guilt. Didn't work and I left for soccer, I rushed home though after and forgot my ball in the rush.
So W hasn't mention sell of the house since the blow up I had after she told me to go down the basement to watch tv after I asked her to because my ankle hurt and I didn't want to hurt it more on the stairs.
I was so angry that she had no sympathy for me that she would say that to me and had no care as to the pain it would give me.
I flew off the handle and went down the stairs and in pain just lost it and said that how can I get rid of you now I want you gone, lets sell the house I will fix everything up and and sell this house so you can go.
The look on her face was shock, but my foot was in pain and her lack of compassion was too much. I was boiling inside and I was red hot I needed to get out of her way so I could cool down. I don't think I have ever been so angry, I felt like lashing out so I ran to my MBR to cool down. I was scared that I got so angry.
I texted asking why she is picking a fight with me, for her to leave me alone and just let my foot heal.
I was at the hospital that day getting it checked out for a break, it was sprained. W knew that I got it checked out. Yet no sympathy or care. That was two weeks ago.
Since then she has been on the mission to foster some rodents and getting a big cage for them. It was a big family event getting new pets. Then she went to her cousins. This weekend. This is a cousin that I get along with, so much so that two years into the MR W asked if I liked her. I reassured her that of course not she is her cousin and I just get along with her. I imagine she should only have good things to say to my W about me.
So here I stand waiting until the next R talk that will be started by my W that I hope will not come. Things have been going good, We even had a moment when she was giving me a look after asking if I did something that she asked and I did do it. It was playful and lasted while. And a couple other brushes as we walk by in the hall. Last night we sat on the couch together with sick son.
All drops in the empty bucket that is her heart.
Buddy,
still too much W based thinking. I know it is hard to steer your thought process away from your W, but trust me, the sooner you start, the sooner results will follow.
Main thing I have learned is that I do not look for ANYTHING from my W, not one GD thing, NOTHING. And I do not trust her one thing she says. With regards of the children, I always have a backup plane in place and I do not count on my W for anything, not one GD thing. You might have noticed, but their memory becomes terrible, and they are forgetful like they have Alzheimers or something.
I've noticed, you got angry, because she did not give a rat's ass about you, that is because he is so preoccupied with herself, that she just cannot focus on anybody else. Do not count on your W for support, organize your own support network.
Stay strong buddy...
Hey VAPO,
You are right, way to much about W.
I cant rely on W for support. She is there in the house but she is not there for me. I am working on backing away, but I am finding it hard to just not look for a replacement. If she is leaving me why be alone. This is a struggle to just focus on me and the kids. I need to stay strong and stay on track.
I have been thinking about the light house story. I need to be that light house.
V, You are hurting and you are looking for a bandaid for a broken heart. Sure it would feel good to get some TLC, but in all honesty you are not ready, I know I still am not. Just stop looking over your shoulder for your wife and stop looking for a new R so soon, you really need to heal first and brother, you got some serious healing and rebuilding to do.
Would you say it is fair to the other person you hook up with that your W is still on your mind? Once you can honestly say you do not think of your W in a romantic way, then you are half way on your way to moving on, but only half way. Some literature suggests that a month of solo time for every year of a failed relationship is needed to fix yourself up (so for you that would mean 15 months), some experts say 3 months for every year, but IMO less than a year and you are looking for trouble...
Stay strong buddy and do not wobble...
Vise
I understand that you think you need to replace her. Trust me, i thought for a bit that she is gone she has moved on and doesnt want me anymore. i will just move on also.
I am not proud of this but I spent some time talking to other women and hung out with them. the next day I felt like crap. I really wasnt interested in them emotionally and now it think i am leading them on. I had to back pedal and now i need to be very careful what i do.
It could also be that no one is still comparing to W in my mind.
I dont recommend this route until you know it is time. Dont try it as a coping method.
Hey OTW and Vapo,
I only mentioned it because I was feeling the pull for another R. Of course the logical side of me thinks its too soon. I am sure its is a struggle for some on here as it is for me. I know I don't want to but I have the thoughts and I test myself to see where I truly am with this.
Part of me thinks that W can sense what I am feeling and this will change things.
I need to still be in it for me and the kids.
So for valentines day, W will be taking the kids to her parents house so I was thinking the kids could do a breakfast for her before they go.
Hey,
S4 was with inlaws yesterday, I met them half way to pick him up at W work. In laws were gone by the time I got there. I had both kids and W worked late.
Normal day I fed them played outside with neighbor kids and then W came home. We all sat on the couch and watch TV until it was time for the kids to go to bed, I put them down and then W stayed in her part of the house and I mine.
In the morning we were both up. and I said my god byes and out the door. There is no tension right now. From my side no anger, and I am feeling very comfortable talking and interacting.
We have some old debt that went to collections and now they have an order against me to pay. I am not proud of it, but it is what it is. I have tried to get another loan to pay it off. It is in my name but from W real estate selling days and payment of the bill got missed years ago from W as she was paying bills and money was tight then so this bill got left behind.
My credit is hurt by it but W credit recently is better and she said she will pay it off to get rid of the judgment. They put a lien on the house. With it on the title it makes it messy to sell.
I have no choice but to pay it off this way. It was her debt, just was in my name. With this paid off it will make my credit easier to repair.
It just makes me uneasy as far as S goes as I don't know what this will change if anything. I am thankful she is willing to help me out with this.
Hey Terrible day,
I picked up my oldest son from school and W brought home youngest from work where her parents dropped him off.
W left for the groceries store and I looked after the kids and fed them dinner, W took a long time. She came back agitated and was on S7 for any comment he made then got on me for not backing her up.
We all watched TV before they went to bed, I had both boy on me and W sat on a separate chair. I put them to bed then started to watch a movie by myself in a separate room.
W comes down and is on me about not getting back to her about S. It had been a month she says since she asked me to talk about it and I have done nothing. I validated but that ran out as she started to ask specific questions abut what I wanted to do, I said I cant decide unless I know where she was going to live. She wouldn't tell me. and said that I cant force her to live somewhere.
I asked if she could tell me the city she plans on living . She could tell me. She threatened to just bring me to court if I couldn't agree with her. I took my ring off and threw it saying is that what you want? She didn't even flinch.
My lawyer said I shouldn't agree to anything right now until my W sees a lawyer. So I said I wasn't going to agree about anything with out talking to a lawyer.
She got angry and started to make me the villain for not wanting to do the divorce easy and low cost. I said I am not the one that wants this, If you want this you take it to your lawyer.
There was also me telling her to leave and that I don't want to talk about this now. She wouldn't leave and call me childish for not wanting to talk. I get up and leave and she follows me and say why would you want to keep living like this, we are not good together married. I said there are a lot of things we are good at together. And there are things that need work but it takes two to work on it. What could you change to make it a better MR? she didn't answer. She kept on say that three years ago I didn't want to work on it so its over now. I said it took two to get where we are right now. She said she doesn't care who caused it, she then took all the blame and said it changes nothing.
I also mentioned that we cant keep trying to talk like this you in a door way standing there talking down to me trapping me in the room.
It is not good, I was having a good month, I asked what happened during going out to get groceries that changed your mood? She had no answer. She must have talked to someone. She just looked so ugly to me, I wanted to tell her that, but I couldn't.
Our life is what we make it and she has made this terrible situation and has no interest in making it better. I guess in her eyes she thinks S will make it better.
I also went a bit far and the topic of being friends came up. She was agreeing how good we are at co parenting but are no good at being husband and wife. And that we can continue being good friends and co parents to the kids. I told her if we are divorced I have no interest in being friends. She didn't like that and said that the courts will love hearing that.
I am thinking that I need to say that if more talk needs to be done we do it via email. I just cant talk to about this stuff with her, She know what buttons to push to get me angry.
I want to protect myself and use lawyers and she is so mad about that. I tried to tell her I have no choice, with what has happened in the past, and this being such a life changing thing that it cant be done any other way.
But I am the bad guy for wanting that. Divorce costs a lot of money and she is fooling herself to think otherwise. From my experience and she was part of it, if we go the least cost way , it could cost more later in life.
I left early for work this morning so I wouldn't have to see her this morning.
sorry bud,
Few thoughts
You need to learn to STFU.
like now
throwing the ring, i get it your anger boiled over of so much pent up. Been there. Not good though.
I think you are dragging your feet in something that needs to get moving.
You should have just told her that you do not want emotions to become involved in the handling of the S and you would like to have a L handle things and that is all.
if she doesnt want to then you can get the agreement drafted and present to her to review on her own.
It all [censored], I know towards the end i did more for the S than i wanted but i think it had to be done.
Do you think you can ever really start any kind of healing for either of you with this s looming? There is o much anger associated with it. need to get it done and put it to bed to begin to move forward to whatever is next. not next in bad but any way.
Hey OTW,
Yes so much anger. I am angry for her having us in this sitch. I am angry for her trying to talk to me last night like that, So confrontational right from the start. I am mad that I responded like I did. I felt boxed in, I was in the basement and she was standing in my way to get out of there.
I am angry that she hold over my head that I didn't want to change three years ago. She was trying to make me into a different person, getting me to do things that were not me.
I don't know about the ring, I haven't put it back on, It was something I was struggling to put on everyday as I have to take it off for work. Logically I should just put it back on, I am still married. But another part of me liked the feeling of removing it and part of the sitch that comes with it. It was like sheading a part of this bad sitch. Freeing myself. But its all false, I am not free.
I don't know how to respond now, If I should just apologize or what. I am thinking she doesn't deserve me. I have put this effort in and stood my ground for her and us and she has no feeling on it except for me to go.
I am trying to get balanced today. I has STFU for a month then it builds up and I let it out. I was doing it but she kept pushing me, with more questions one after another. Then putting me down saying I did nothing all this time. That I was just sitting there ignoring it. Validating only got me so far.
Just to go from doing all these family things together, her getting new family pets and no talk of the S for weeks. To the S talk we had out of the blue last night. I was caught so off guard.
I don't know. I am shaken today. My world has stopped right now, I don't know what to think. I am paused. Not sure what is going to happen.
She was asking me why I have to see it at extremes , I want to say married or never talk to her again. I think its plain why. If she is rejecting me, I want to lessen the pain so I remove her from my life as much as I can.
Really think about what I said about getting this S done. How can any healing start with the way things are?
She has no intention of working on things and i do not think that will change with the image she is getting from you regarding this fighting over the S.
you need to get out of the way.
I know that is not what we want but we cant stop them from doing what they want
Hey OTW,
So thinking about getting this S done, I need a plan, identify the barriers , remove them, and continue to work on my goal with what ever little increments I can that are manageable for me, keep moving and stay positive.
It seems W tends to have these talks just before she is visiting family or friend. Then it just fuels the conversation for her at the visits.
Plan. I am not sure but I will put a logical plan together not based on feelings or sentiment.
I want to have the kids 50/50 with short stays at each others place. A 3/3/4/4 rotation. This way they can keep going to grandmas and grandpas on Sunday. I will be able to continue with my GAL soccer.
I will need a place to live. I will look for a rental options in the kids school zone. I think it would be best for the kids if they could keep there same friends. Stumbling blocks would be finding a place that has a garage for my hobby car and tools. To solve this barrier I would have to sell hobby stuff. Or pay for storage.
I am trying to get my mind around this life changing event.
W just texted about picking up the kids. I will reply later.
I can just feel this MR imploding, UGHHH Correction keep It positive, I can get through this!!
Hey,
Yesterday I looked into the school zone and there was not much available from what I could see, I think I will have to drive around and look to see first hand.
I put my ring back on. Just felt wrong with out it. Not sure how W was able to do it. She never took them off except when she was pregnant. I think she was at the lawyers office and was instructed to take it off.. Her parents were there and I imagine they took it to put in the safe. With it there she has no choice but not wear it or ask parents for it back out of the safe.
I didn't text back W. She didn't call an her way home like usually. Looks like that last talk has changed the dynamic. She came home late. I tool S7 ice skating, he fell asleep on the players bench. W didn't say much but her eyes went right to my ring hand.
I put one child to bed and cuddled with him and fell asleep. I didn't want to really go down and get the youngest that was sitting next to W. I didn't want to see W. I did wake up after an hour and went to the basement to watch a movie. While I am watching it I was hoping she wouldn't come down to talk to me. She didn't and she went to bed with out saying a word.
I go to bed and I could see sticking out of her purse a wedding invitation from her brother with her and the two boys names on it. So looks like I am officially out of the inlaws family. I am surprised because they have other divorced family and both sides are always invited and go to family events. Maybe I am getting my invitation separately? It just blows my mind a little that they wouldn't invite me. Its going to be a big wedding with 150 people there and me who was at every Christmas and Easter ect. wont be.
It does hurt a little. And they know I stopped talking to my family, and haven't seen them for two years, they sort of adopted me into there family, until this.
I have a question, and i am leading one way or another about it, but why are you wearing the ring still? is it for you? if it is, what does it do for you?
Are you wearing it to prove a point to her? Get a reaction? Im just curious
Hey OTW,
I have mixed feelings about the ring. I did put it back on. I tried hard to leave it off. Its has been a symbol of the MR that I am trying to save. It is there when my kids hold my hand and they turn it and touch it. I haven't given up completely so I put it back on.
When W came home I hid my hand, I didn't put it on for her. It was for me something of this MR that I have control over. I get to choose if I am wearing it or not. I want my kids to remember me wearing it.
The mixed part is when I think I should take it off to help me move forward and detach.
Hey
So I am thinking of emailing W to apologize for some of the things that I said, to say that emotions were high and I said some things that I didn't mean. That I want to communicate better with her and that there is a place for lawyers to keep emotions out of this process.
So should I contact her? The problem I am finding is that she is using stuff that I say in anger against me as something that I want.
In the past I was angry and said I wanted to sell the new car because I don't want to pay for it anymore. I was blowing steam and just putting that out there as an example. She has used that against me say that I don't want the new car so she will take it.
She does this, holds on to stuff I say as it was written in stone. Most of the time its just an idea that I am not fully on board with but throw it out there to see what she says about it.
How about asking her questions and turning it around on her? Not to "get her" but for her to feel the discussion is rooted in her idea. Validating comments to her ideas as you question her how to solve the problem. I struggle with validation but see it's effect. Even if the problem isn't solved you had a discussion where she saw you positively interact with her.
Just a drive by thought, be well
Vise,
fair enough on the ring. Just curious
AS far as apologizing, well maybe this is a good opportunity to show a different you regarding the S.
Bring up the lst discussion and how you both got heated, you can apologize for your reactions and validate how she felt. Then go into stating the meotions can easily get in the way of making this easy.
then as Mu stated, bring up a question to her asking if she thinks having L handle this part would be better.
leave it at that, when she responds either way you listen and process what she is saying, do not hop into what you agree or disagree with. Tell her that is interesting thoughts and you would like to look at everything yourself.
at this point come back here and let everyone review.
Hey,
So I emailed W.
Basically what OTW said to email.
she has replied back that she has retained a L and that L will be sending me a letter outlining what has to happen. And that all that we have to do is sit down and get to an agreement as to what we want and her L will send it to my L and its done.
She is asking if I want to sit down tonight to work on it, and that if we have a planned time then it might work better then one of us starting the talk out of the blue.
I don't want to talk about it tonight. Or if I do I an not agreeing to anything. My L said I can talk about the options and have a kitchen table discussion about things but not to agree to anything at this point.
I don't know how she could pay for a L.
So unfortunately you may need to have a talk. I did a little. I basically received some paperwork and gave to her. Basically it was an outline for an agreement. I asked her tongonthrough and out in everything she could think of then I would look at it and either agree or mark things I didn't like then we would sort those out
So we did have to discuss a few things but I let her be the one to get the first part done.
This is a possibility to do.
Hey
So I offered to talk tonight but not everything and to keep it short. I also asked to see the letter her L made.
I don't know how this is going to go.
I know it is not fun.
Review 37 rules first. Don't say too much. If you aren't sure state you need time to think. If it starts going south take a break.
Think of this as the first step in healing and getting bad stuff behind you.
Hey,
So I had the scheduled talk about S details.
About the looking after the kids, I want 50/50 and said I could change my schedule to be able to drop them off at school. She didn't believe me. Then I confirmed it then she said that she wasn't going to pay for the early morning care that I needed to drop them off. Then I said I would pay for it. Then she said that she doesn't like that the kids will be in the early morning care and that would mean a long day at school. I said that is so that they can spend time with me at my place more then every other weekend.
Every problem she came up with I had a solution but a new problem came up. \I was asking for her to have the kids Sun, Mon, Tues, and I would have them Wed,Thrus, fri, and we would alternate Sat.
Then she started to say that school days don't count as time with kids because they are at school. I disagreed. She wants them all week, I get two visits during the week and we rotate weekends.
Next was the city she would live in, after asking a couple more times she agreed that she would stay in the same city. She agreed that we should do what we can to keep the kids in the same school
She really pushed for the house to sell in march.
For our cars she wants the two year old car, and I get the 10 year old van that needs some work. I said I would take the van if we split the cost of fixing it get it in 100 % working order. She said no we can just sell it then. I said its not fair you get a perfectly working car and I get a old van that needs some work.
We talked about her brothers wedding, I asked if I was invited. She said she didn't know and she could ask but she thinks I am not invited. I said really because I know your family they are open to everyone and if I am not invited then they must really not like me. She said no they have no problems with you. Its because we are separated and when ur separated you do things like wedding with out each other. She also said a wedding is different then Christmas and holidays I said they are family why wouldn't I go. She said she would ask.
She was lying I know she has the invitation and her brother left it up to her who she brings as her plus one. I think her best friend is going in my place to help with the kids. She has no intention for me to be there.
Next was the house she wants to put it on the market in march. I said I wont put it on the market until we have a separation agreement.
So there was no yelling, but she was threatening me that if I didnt co-operate and keep it out of the lawyers hands her dad will take the interest in the mortgage that he was going to split between the two of us and just give it to her. Also she would go after my work pension, she said she wont touch it right now if this goes smooth and fast.
I read a while back that with her personality that I should get away from her as quick and fast as I can.
I realize now I cant stop this, so I need to look at it like a business deal and if I can get my 50/50 with the kids I can agree with the rest.
Do not give in to her on the custody and dont take her threats.
50/50 means equal number of time with each parent. If you agree to something that is less and then put it in writing you are opening yourself up to some future problems.
I think you did ok, pushing on the wedding thing, i dont really understand.
I dont think you can trust her right now either way. I have heard too many times that the WAS wants no lawyers involved because they know they can manipulate you. Get the lawyer to review everything you want, then review a separation agreement before signed.
Hey
So where to start, Had another talk Intitated by W this time we didn't yell or argue. She has come closer to me with custady, Now I am just one day away from 50/50.So hopelully we can get there.
W tells me she found a house for me and that I should go see it. Its in the school zone and has a garage big enough for my hobby. I found it funny that it now that she cares if I have the space for my car and tools. She sure didn't care before.
I have started to realize that I cant stop this and I am going to need a place to live and for it to work out the best for both of us we will need to work together. So I go through with seeing the house and now I am looking into the details of how to purchase. Before I go look at the house I decided to take my ring off. I found it the only way to help me move forward with all this. It was the only way I could get the strength to do what I need to do for me and my kids.
On valentines day I helped the boys make a great breakfast and let them buy something for their mom. We all sat down and had a great breakfast together. W left right after to go shopping with her mom. I had the boys and took them to dog training. I let the boys pick up something small for trainer seeing as it was valentines day.
I exchanged the kids and met W half way to her parents, then I had Soccer my other GAL.
Next day W is in clean up mode, The most motivated I have seen from her to clean. Its all motivated by a agent that she contacted that wants to look at the house. They want to show the house to a couple that is very interested in the house.
So now I have the hard task of fixing up the house to get it ready for sale, it does make the heart heavy but I am trying to act as if.
last night W says she found a house that she is interested in, its les then 10 min away from the house I was looking at. So with all of this, non of this is 100% going to happen as with real estate anything can happen. It is the start though.
Vise
I am actually glad to see you moving forward and doing some of this. I know that sounds strange, but the step has to happen. Nothing is going to gt better the way it is, you need to get out of her way and see where the cards fall.
I think the ring was a big step. I for a while wore mine during the day and then when i went home I would take it off. I was just fooling myself. I actually have two rings. One we bought a couple years later because i liked it better. I keep this one in my truck.
the other W had engraved a couple years after wedding and i forgot about it. I stumbled upon it a few weeks ago. I its tough, but i tucked it back away and just shrugged my shoulders, actually i tried it on again first.
[censored].
I think you will find you will be ok at times with this next phase, you will still have bad times, a lot. But you will also have moments of being ok. the trick is to move through those bad ones as quickly as possible.
Hey,
Had a ok day, I picked up lids and W was at home the same time we arrived home. There was a lot of snow so we had a long snow ball fight. I seen the gay neighbor came outside and was talking to his neighbor beside him for a while. The whole time Wife was part of the snow ball fight but kept checking over to where he was. He never acknowledged my W. Didn't yell over hello. Thought that was interesting.
We all had dinner together that W cooked, S7 was giving us a hard time and W was frustrated. W and I both cleaned the cage of the new family pets. I put the kids to bed and then we just stayed in our separate part of the house.
W come into the room I was in and wants to talk about the email she sent about having agents in the house on Thursday. I didn't reply to it. I was frustrated and said I want nothing to do with it, I guess I have no choice but I would prefer if I wasn't there.
she asks me what is wrong I was fine yesterday and now I am grumpy. I said I can only take this stuff in small doses, asking about agents and selling this house is too much for me at sometimes.
So much for acting as if. I just find it hard to just go along with this moving/selling and giving no resistance to something I so do not want to do.
Taking emotion out of it, I should be doing everything possible to get the best price for the house. W is doing most of the heavy lifting for this and I am slowly going along with it with the resistance here and there. This is the same as any move in the past. A 180 would have me on board 100%. That like I said is just so difficult as I am not on board 100%.
I am talking to a mortgage broker right now to work out where I stand as far as that goes. Usually these moves have a way of working out.
Hey,
tomorrow I have to take S4 to an appointment and because of the type of procedure they want two people there. Usually its W and her mom go but this time W wants me to go with her.
I was talking to W about the skating event I went to when she was away with the kids. I was just saying how big the place is and it would be good to take the kids. She asked right away if I went alone. I ignored her question and continued with what I was talking about.
Did she ask again? I don't know if there is any reason not to be truthful. Just because we are trying to gal for ourselves and they may get interested, we are not trying to trick anyone.
I don't think I would look into that too much. Just be a great person
Hey OTW,
She didn't ask again if I went alone.
This is so weird to me how W can have me there helping at the dentist and be so much a part of her life but still want to S.
But really at the dentist we sat there in the office for two hours and she said nothing to me for the first hour and I said nothing. We just looked at magazines. Then near the end she starts to ask how it was going with buying the house I was looking at. So I answered her questions. But really it is no different then when we first got married. We, I thought, were the type of couple that didn't have to say a lot to each other to say a lot to each other. Just being there with each other quiet was to me contentment. And like at the dentist office we were both there for our kid getting things done for him.
We get home and there is a note that a letter that needs to be picked up from the post office, it needs a signature. W tell me oh that must be the letter from my lawyer for you. I say why couldn't you just give it to me. She blames it on the lawyer. I don't want to pick up the letter so I put the notice out of sight. This morning she finds it and puts it out in plane view again.
This is so frustrating, I have no intention of getting this letter. Its frustrating that she can force things along, it frustrating that her parents have paid for this lawyer for her.
It frustrating that she lined up a couple of realtors to look at the house yesterday. And she is excited for this, she wants to talk about it and what we can do to make the sale even faster.
What the F is going through her head to think this is the best thing ever? I understand that WW will not stop till they get what they want. And to hear that the agent has people that want to live in the area and think the street we live on is amazing. Well yes that is why we live here.
What does my W want that I am not giving her? It is all right here for her. I just don't understand it.
So she leaves this morning for a six hour drive to visit family for two nights/ three days with the kids and with out me. this is the first time I have not gone. She is telling the kids I cant go because I have to work. Makes me look bad.
And she leaves a list of stuff that needs to be done to the house to get it ready for sale. This is all a joke, my life is a joke. I mean life throws so much bad stuff at you, most of which W and I have gone through and now she decides to make some bad stuff on her own, because the world didn't give us enough to go through?
This is so weird to me how W can have me there helping at the dentist and be so much a part of her life but still want to S.
Unfortunately it is not weird at all. You are just a helper, a facilitator, you are there for the $shitty jobs and she'll have someone else for the cool stuff. As far as the kids are concerned, it's ok, but other than that, distance yourself. She's a big girl, she can handle it. An analogy would be, if you got fired from your job, would you still do stuff for your boss? Not likely. Well, I got news for you buddy, she just fired you...
We get home and there is a note that a letter that needs to be picked up from the post office, it needs a signature. W tell me oh that must be the letter from my lawyer for you. I say why couldn't you just give it to me. She blames it on the lawyer. I don't want to pick up the letter so I put the notice out of sight. This morning she finds it and puts it out in plane view again.
This is so frustrating, I have no intention of getting this letter. Its frustrating that she can force things along, it frustrating that her parents have paid for this lawyer for her.
Passive aggresive behavior is not the way to go. Ignoring it will not make it go away. Go talk to your lawyer before you fetch the letter, maybe he has some stalling tactics up his sleeve.
It frustrating that she lined up a couple of realtors to look at the house yesterday. And she is excited for this, she wants to talk about it and what we can do to make the sale even faster.
What the F is going through her head to think this is the best thing ever? I understand that WW will not stop till they get what they want.
What is going trough her head you ask? Quite simple really... She has been gathering courage to flip you off for years and now that she has, she feels the weight of the world has been lifted off her shoulders. She is literally gliding trough air. She has it all figured out in her head (and has had for years) and she believes that once you are out of the picture it will be all roses for her. Well the bad news is that she is intitled to her opinion, and the good news is that she is wrong. But it will take time for her to realize that. And no, you can't explain her that she is wrong, you cannot show her that she is wrong, you, my friend, can't do $hit to/for her. So time to focus on you.
What does my W want that I am not giving her? It is all right here for her. I just don't understand it.
Se above answer. It is really not difficult to understand. She is done with you, your marriage is gone, buried. That does not mean that you cannot have a new relationship with your W, but it will take time, a LOT of time, think months and years, not days and weeks.
So she leaves this morning for a six hour drive to visit family for two nights/ three days with the kids and with out me. this is the first time I have not gone. She is telling the kids I cant go because I have to work. Makes me look bad.
Now this you have to put a stop to it. She can't paint you responsible for not coming and you can't let it slide. My sitch is eerily similar to your, ages same, together time same, kids' ages same, only dif is I have a D7. My BD was June 2014, so I'm a year ahead of you.
And she leaves a list of stuff that needs to be done to the house to get it ready for sale. This is all a joke, my life is a joke. I mean life throws so much bad stuff at you, most of which W and I have gone through and now she decides to make some bad stuff on her own, because the world didn't give us enough to go through?
Again, do not be passive aggresive, text your W that you are away for the weekend so stuff with the house will have to wait. An my friend, your life is no joke, it is in a whirlwind at the moment, but it will settle and you will thrive once again. Main thing is that you know that you will be OK. Be the best dad you can be, and learn to love yourself again.
Stay strong buddy...
I really cant offer anything that Vapo didnt cover.
The only thing i see here is you are just not accepting this.
You need to get the letter, ignoring it helps nothing.
I am not saying that somewhere down the road things may not work out for you, but i think you need to face what is reality right now.
I read about the stockdale paradox a lot and helps. I think you need this
Hey Vapo and OTW,
Thanks for going through that with me. I need a wake up. It is all too unreal for me.
I looked into the Stockdale paradox. Yes I can see I am the eternal optimist. I will try and follow this plan of taking care of the problems now while still having the knowledge that I will get through this.
I do have a history of doing nothing with the hope that it will all get better. Of thinking that by Christmas she will come around. She didn't. then I think after her brothers wedding she will come around. I can see how flawed this thinking is. It stalls me from taking action that I need to take.
I will take the action needed.
Vise
I have a bit of that in me as well. I took the major steps but something keeps me from fully letting go. It is that pesky thing called hope.
She is always popping in my head
Hey,
So I had the weekend by myself as W took kids to se her family 6 hours away.
I was paralyzed on the couch for the whole Sat. I felt like doing nothing. I watched netflix and played some video games. I couldn't get motivated. It was a time to myself. To do nothing. To enjoy some movies. On Sunday I had Dog training and soccer. I went out to them and had a good time. Meanwhile I was negotiating the terms of getting a new place. Looks like I might have a place to go as the owner is willing to let me rent with the option to buy.
W did call to let me say good night to the boys and we talked about this new place and the S agreement.
Its all moving ahead and it scares me. Just the unknown of how it will all come together. There are so many pieces to fall into place.
My new place will have the garage I have wanted for many years. I had the idea if I get this place that I will set up a welding repair shop. All this talk on this board of others welders gave me the idea. I have a welding machine that I can use and the garage is big enough for it.
W came home and the first thing she says to me is asking how I found no time while they were away to clean the new pets cage, it smells in here. I replied Realy? Please don't start.
I am thinking what gives her the right to say anything about what I did or didn't do? She wasn't here.
One of the calls from W, I had the TV on and she asks where I was, I didn't answer, then she asks what is the noise in the back ground? I just said its the dog.
Then she just says oh well it doesn't matter. after I ignored the question. If she wants nothing to do with me why ask where I am?
Hey,
So this in house S is winding up. Its reaching it end. I have no more tears to give. I have tears for the no more tears. I don't know if that means I am detached?
W gave me the revised S agreement that we talked about. She worked on it with her lawyer yesterday. It has the 50/50 split of looking after the children. she gets them MOn Tue Wed morning, I get them Wed night Thur Fri and weekend rotates. It has her taking the new car and its payments. I get the old car with no payments, there will be no alimony child support will be the a calculation of the difference of what she would get if she had the kids 100% minus what I would get if I had the kids 100%. Its a chart based on income.
We are going to be keeping the kids in the same school and living in the same city.
I am still not going to her brothers wedding. W is taking the kids as they are taking the rings to the alter. She put in the agreement that we will try to spend Christmas together as much as possible. I am not sure how I feel about that. Last Christmas I said to my self I wouldn't do that again. She also put in that My family cannot visit with the children with out me present. I haven't talked to my family for two years anyway.
So she is going to send it to her lawyer and then I will get a copy for my lawyer to look at then that will be it. She will get what she was so desperately wanting. Then in three months she can file for divorce if she wants because the one year waiting period will be up.
I took the kids to a scout dinner with out W as she was working late, Kids had the best dinner ever as the oldest put it.
I brought them home and put them to bed.
This morning I was up then W was up and kids stayed in bed. We talked more about S agreement. I drove to work and thought how I wasn't crying.
One day at a time.
Hey vise, I've been reading but haven't replied on a while. Sorry things are going this way but you relied now D will likely happen. Life will go on and things will work out, you just have to give yourself time. In another post you aksed why she cared what you were doing and I wanted to explain some because I can like had the same thoughts you had. You and her have been together for a very long time so there is going to be some attachment there still. She might be curious and it's likely she hasn't considered fully losing you or what life will be like without you. She's rewritten history in her mind and only remembered the bad things and at some point in the future those consequences might begin to appear to her making her rethink things. You can't force those things. What's important to understand is even if she has an attachment to you in some way right now, even if she wakes up later and sees things weren't as bad as she thought, even if she might still love you deep down, it didn't mean she does or will want a relationship again. This could just be the end of you and her. It's a hard pill to swallow but one we must accept to move forward. No guarantees with anything.
Your going to be fine vise, life will continue and you can thrive. Separate your mind from her and enjoy the what life is providing your right now. Those enjoyable things might be hard to see with what's happening but they are there if you look for them.
Hey Fogg,
Thanks for the support. I know people are reading and there is not much to say as this goes forward. I hope that by writing what is happening it will help others going through the same thing.
I feel numb to all this, almost emotional empty. As it goes forward I am strangely feeling sexually attracted to W. It doesn't help when she calls me up to my boys room to get my S4 and lets me see her in the shower with the door open and a towel not really covering anything.
Things are moving forward and we are talking more and W is happier now. I know this is just part of it I guess. Knowing its getting near the end, to want to have a one last go at it. Its just another emotion that I have to let pass.
Sorry vise
You are handling things as well as can be. I know it is awful all to well. Hang in there.
Hey,
Not much to say normal stuff, I picked up kids from school and made them dinner and put them to bed. W went to a car dealership to look at new cars, She is planning on trading in the two year old car in for a new one. I think she is crazy, because that's a priority right now to get a new car. She wouldn't do this type of stuff if her parents didn't bail her out all the time. Well she will find out I guess that money is not so easily there. I am happy with he older car and no car payment right now.
This morning no one was up and I left with out seeing anyone. They all slept in.
I see the mortgage broker after work today to get that going for pre approval. I have the rental agreement ready to drop off tonight also, for the place that I was looking to rent before I bought it.
I find I am able to kick it in gear at work now that I am not thinking about the S so much. I have a lot of work to catch up on.
Hey,
Tough day, After going to mortgage broker I have an offer together for a house I was looking at. Then I see the owner has relisted it. And so far has not replied to my offer.
W has brought more paper work for me for the S agreement that was in her words so easy it will take a couple of days. Looks like so not true, it will be in two parts and the second part will take weeks.
So far I am just taking this stuff and not signing it till I see my lawyer.
We had the realization yesterday that its almost time to talk to the kids. That is a reality taste. I feel so bad for them.
I was applying for credit rebuilding credit as per the Broker and was denied.
and I am doing this stuff and W start hanging around to see what I am doing. I am getting mad. I don't want to do this stuff in the first place and I sure don't want her looking over my shoulder as I do it. She is the reason I am doing this paper work in the first place. I told her to back off and I had my limit today with this S stuff and to just leave me alone.
IT IS ALL TO UNBELIVEABLE THAT SHE WANTS THIS.
And I am to fake it that I am ok with it? To give no resistance to let her have this?
She is so happy that the housing market is so good right now. That is such a good time to sell. We are going to get so much money she tells me. Fukc off I don't want the money I want my life back. I am just frustrated. And frustrated that I cant show her that I am frustrated.
What will fighting and giving resistance to something you can't control do? You might not like it but it's what's happening. Doesn't mean you have to be a doormat to how she wants it done but you can't stop it just because you want your old life back. The only path is forward, there is no way back.
You can be frustrated and angry, this isn't fair and your pain is real. However, realize she doesn't care about that anger and showing it to her isn't going to make you feel better or fix anything.
Hey,
Still working out my next housing issues, still some stuff up in the air with that.
W showed me some lawyer paper work that she explained to me how with the child support there was nothing she could do I have to pay but spousal support was something she could change. It based that on her last yeas income, she is getting a big raise next month so she asked the lawyer to move the spousal support into the child support. Child support get looked at yearly and changes yearly, W is saying that should go down next year with her new income. Spousal support doesn't change for up to 12 years regardless of her income.
She said she is helping me out so that I can afford to get a house and live in a good area so that the kids don't live in a bad conditions. She said she is going against the lawyers advise and doing this to help me.
It amazing how before going into this she said it would be so easy that I would be paying almost nothing because we make close to the same money. It would be done in a couple of days because our sitch is so simple. The opposite is happening.
SHe is not buying the new car right now because that would leave me with nothing on my credit report. She will wait till I can get a credit card on there in the next week or so.
She wants to talk to the kids this weekend. I agree and said it should of been sooner. She wants to talk to them because we are going to be having agents through the house and work will be done on the house. she is telling me that we need to push how great it will be for them to have two houses and twice the toys and two places to play. and how they will get to decorate their new rooms how they want. That we are going to keep doing stuff together as much as possible, that not too much is going to change for them. They will be able to visit the friends on the street when ever they want. UGHH its all lies, Its going to be hell for them. Not looking foreword for that conversation.
Talking to the kids is another nail in the coffin on our marriage. I wanted to give the kids at least a hint of what was going on months ago.
W is looking at a house this weekend, she is telling me it doesn't meet all of her requirements and it isn't in the best street but its in the right school zone. I just told her to go look and I am sure she will figure out what she will need to do. She was wanting me to go look at it with her as she was hinting but I didn't offer. She is getting her dad to go now.
Normal stuff in the morning, I had thoughts of hugging her, telling her I loved her, thanking her again for the break on the spousal support. but that feeling soon passed. I just said see you later, she said the same and I left for work.
Stay strong vise,
You did fine. You are absolutely right about not signing anything until lawyer sees it.
I know it is hard not to get angry. Anger is normal...you just need to alliw yourself to feel it and not control your actions, ok????
Hey Zephyr,
I will try to stay strong. This process gets to me at times. its exhausting and is best if I take it in parts.
I had a positive thing happened last night. I made a break through with the Dog. have been training him for a while now and finally I am seeing some results. I was thinking if I show my W that I am the man that can control the dog it would be a positive thing. The dog as my S4 says will only listen to me now. We are seeing improvement and that only reflects back at me very good as the man in charge and the dog listens to me.
It is given me more confidence. It has shown the kids how to command the dog and has helped with the order of things dog related. S4 last night told the dog to sit and stay, just like I would and for the first time the dog listened. He was able to walk out of the room and the dog did not jump on him and just watched him leave the room in a sit stay.
It was a break through. This dog used to listen to no one. The dog now still will not show any respect for W. So when he gets out of control with her she calls me and I come to the rescue.
So a positive update on my GAL dog training.
Vise
My only advice for the talk with the kids is make her tell them why. I also wouldn't try to make them excited about the situation. Tell them everything will be fine and you both love them and it is not their fault.
I didn't lie to them but I also did not point any fingers at W.
My w tried to get them excited about all new stuff and all that. Backfired on her. They don't like it there.
She spent so much money trying to buy them wanting to be there. Hasn't worked.
Hey OTW,
The talk with the kids. Have her tell them why. W and I do not agree on why we are separating. Unless you are talking about W wanting the separation and I don't. There is no way she will say that. It is the truth though.
I am not going to bring it up. I will wait till wife says ok its time to talk to the kids. Then I will say that we need to go over what we are going to say to them.
She is worried that I am going to tell them is doom and gloom. I talk to these kids all the time, I put them to bed and have min conversations with them. They need to know the truth. yes they will have two places to live and two room to decorate, but they are not going to have a Mom and Dad that live together anymore.
I can believe W is still having the idea that we will be at each others houses and spending all thins time together as much as possible?? Still after all the time in house S she is telling me this. After her wanting real separation and time apart.
I can see the future and its going to be me not contacting her and giving this distance that she asked for. She is going to try to get me to do stuff for her like she tried to get me to go look at the house she is interested in with her. This is straight out of the WW play book. Wants me there for all the hard stuff but not he fun stuff.
She is going to feel loss, I am going to be busy, unavailable, gone. This will be so much easier to do that once in separate houses.
Right now I am acting as if. Trying to be pleasant, but I am angry. I haven't accepted it 100% yet. Still think she may change her mind but she has gone to far to go back now. There is to much money at the table for her to go back now. Through her manipulation she has squeezed more money from her parents. Even if she wanted to go back she wont, She doesn't want to loose the money. I am just mind reading but I would like to think I do know her to some degree. Or I do have a gut feeling about it.
So I am moving ahead with it. Lets go separate houses. I am trying to act like I am on board right now.
seems like you have a very good mindset. I agree she wants you around for all of the family stuff, but she wants to be her own person and walk whenever she wants.
sorry thats not real life.
as far as the kid talk, i think you should get a few ideas written down. this will get emotional for you. I know it was awful for me. W was a stone face. She left me to say everything and i was so angry that i had to do the explaining and then all she did is show pictures of her new house and how they get new bedroom stuff.
My anger was at an all time high that night, then she left to make matters worse. It was fine though gave me time with the kids. they asked me some things and figured out why it was happening on their own.
Just dont be the one pointing the finger at her. I do remembering laughing when i asked W how she wanted to tell them. Without thinking she said we need to be truthful with them. I looked at her and said are you sure you want that. She kind of looked away and then didnt say anything. I think she realized at that point no matter what excuse she gave me on why she wanted to leave it was her leaving and her choice.
I did not want to damage the relationship the kids have with their mother. She does good enough of that on her own!
Hey guys
Thought I would check in here as vise82 posted on my thread
I am totally at the same point as vise so will be living the next few months along side him
I am at the point of deciding with my W how we go about ending our marrage
Her view is we split the child access fifty fifty tho days need to be decided on how best to do this the equity in the house gets split after the mortgage is paid off ...I am on such a good intest rate deal ...will miss this !!!! Her money in te bank is hers and mine is mine I have no idea no idea at all what she has managed to put aside I guess I will ask my soliciters to find out exactly what accounts she has and how much she has in each of the accounts. Her cars are hers and mine are mine Items in the house we will split as fairly as we can i do not think the is much that she has or I have that we cannot share I am not going to fight her for kitchen utensils or tables,or chairs
Be strong vise82 it is time for us to be the man that we know we can be
Man hugs to you my friend
Ghost
Fogg otw you both have been there for me over the months fogg I have very much respect for you .....accept it you must and you will accept it it ........it comes down to how much pain you are prepared to put yourself through in the process ....thank you
Ghost
i know this in Vise thread, but ghost.
I know you have said many times about the cash she has stashed away.
What is stopping you from taking half of what is there without asking?
I know this seems crazy, but she is getting half of everything else with you, how is half of that not yours.
I would be shocked to see if she brought it up.
I know it is a little wild thought, but...
Otw I thought I would post here rather than on my thread keep this info away from my main threads
I have a Porsche worth about £25k and I have also got about the same that was left to me. From my father when he passed away
If I go after my wife's money then she will certainly go after mine and also as a side point I do want her to be able to give my children a good life when they are not with me
Problem is, she could well blow through her 'unofficial' £12k (which of course is a marital asset) then start going for half of 'your' remaining marital assets too..
I agree with sotto. All needs to be on the table.
Hey AP,
Feel free to post on my thread, I think what you have as an idea of how to split the finances needs to prepared by the lawyer. Get it on paper through the lawyer.
So for for me we are not doing what my lawyer recommended and what I first thought I wanted to do. Are putting the S agreement together with out doing the financial disclosure paper work. But that is because we don't have much. Unless W has hidden $$ somewhere. I don't think so, we were pay check to pay check for a while when the kids were small. Now we both have been working for a couple of years.
So things are moving, we now have an offer on the house. The market is hot right now and houses in my area are selling with in days. I put the application in to rent to own a house, and waiting to hear back from that. W looked at a house this weekend and I think she put an offer on it. All this and we don't have the S agreement just yet. Its there in principal just not done going through W lawyer. Then I get to go through it with my L.
We spent all weekend cleaning and working together well to get things done.
We had the talk with the kids. Nothing was said as far as S or D: hey kids, mom and dad are going to get their own houses and we are going to live and sleep in separated houses. This means you guys will get two bedrooms to have as your own.
They we on board, thought is was great to have two houses and named a few kids in there school who have two houses. W started naming family members who had two houses. At first S7 put his head down with the news for like 10 min, then was fine about it.
This was not the out come I was thinking.
Later that night I put the kids to bed and it was normal with them. W came to me to talk and ask how it went and we talked about it, then she is standing there trying to remember what she was going to say and I said you were going to say good night, then she says ok and you want me to out you to bed too. I quipped back yes please. Then she says after she was out of the room Not a chance. It was like she forgot she was S from me and had to correct her self as we haven't had a banter like that in forever.
But really it is what it was and the S is going forward. I have to admit I was hoping she would back down before telling the kids. She started the conversation with them and her eyes were tear filled. but the kids made it really easy. Now I don't know if they are over compensating like a new dog you bring home is on it best behaviour?
Now I am starting to see myself living on my own. And thoughts of the future of how could we get back together if it we to how it would happen? It would be like dating again? Is it a clean slate? I see myself comparing other women to my W and if they would be a better fit. Would I pick my W to date over say this woman or that one? I don't know. I do know that I need to get through this housing part so that I have a place to live then go from there.
Vise
Man I know it was hard. Made me think of my time dealing with where you are. Really hard.
Just know that things can be better. I am trying not to give myself false hope to be let down but my W walls seem down a bit. Not meaning she is approaching me about anything but just seems down. I will update my thread tomorrow as it has been a while.
Just keep your head up!
Hey,
Yesterday I had a good time with my two GAL activities, dog training and soccer. Starting to feel more comfortable going and I find it easier to talk to people now that I see them regularly.
Dog training is ending next week so not sure what to do after that.
Soccer is winding up also but there is a summer program that I could play in. I have been having a hard time fitting in there. Didn't really make any close friends. A couple of the guys I try to talk to. I don't know why its so hard for me socially. There is one thing everyone else shows up dressed and changes there shoes on the field. I show up early and use the change rooms to get ready, then after the game I try to stick around but it back to the change room and most people just change their shoes and go.
This is something I have to live with. I am quiet, its hurting me at my job and my marriage. this something that I don't know if I can change.
So this morning my W was up and she said good morning to me. That's a change. I said good bye to the kids and her and left.
On a note, last night I came home from soccer talk to W a bit about the showings and then went to the separate par t of the house. I could hear her phone making the ping sound of text messages one after another. It was driving me crazy. So I went to the basement so I couldn't here the messages.
So its like this: she stays in , when she goes out rarely its with her mom or to her parents house, we have been doing things as a family, she has not been going across the street to see that neighbor for months now. She is not on her phone constantly texting and she doesn't sleep with the phone, She leaves it out down stairs. I have checked it once in a while but she does delete texts, so that's why I don't bother she cleans it of anything she doesn't want me to read.
She keeps her Ipad next to her bed. She leaves that around though also I am sure she deletes Facebook messages or I messenger stuff.
So my thoughts are what is she waiting for If she doesn't want me? Where are the other guys that she wants? Is she waiting until the S is signed then they will come out of the wood work?
It just seems we spend so much time together right now, how is it going to be when we are in separate houses? What is she going to do with her time and why does she think this will be so much better apart? I guess I will have to wait till then to find out. I enjoy the family time together. I am sure she does too??
Dude, you are making yourself crazy and IT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU. You got to cut this behavior, it's damaging you way beyond repair.
Take a look at this last post of yours, it's all about her and what she is doing and/or not doing. STOP IT! You got fired from the position of the husband and what does is matter who she's bedding or not. It is not you and no, she is not having second thoughts about you. For all that it matters, she could have bedded the whole Chicago Bears offensive line and what could you do about it? Nothing... You got to separate yourself from this crazy behavior, or IT WILL DRIVE YOU INSANE.
To put it bluntly, if she is going to [censored] someone, you will not know about it, she could do it in 5 minutes and beside the point, if she isn't giving you the honey, does it really matter who she's giving it to?
DETACH, DETACH, DETACH. Once you are physically separated from the old battle axe, only then will you realize how screwed up you were...
Stay strong buddy, resist the urge to snoop, NOTHING good can come from snooping, NOTHING!!!
Yes,
I know that I need to detatch, but she has been such a part of my life and still is.
So she emailed me this morning asking how my house is coming along and if I am ok with an open house this weekend?
Its almost like she cares. I can see my self changing how I am looking at the sitch and adjusting my thoughts to think its not that bad I can live like this, we can still have a R in separate houses, it will all work out.
It does matter who she is bedding or not, If she is holding off from having a R with other men then that means she was truthful with wanting a S to think things through, to give us a chance to see if her feelings for me would come back for her.
I guess its all mind reading and not believing what she tells me.
This is not easy to let go. Even to fake it.
So for this email, in true DB form I need to reply : Yes go ahead with the open house.
Because I want to plead with her not to go through with it, there is a chance for us, this is not what I want, lets stay in the house together...
Wise, I am rooting for you, I really am, but you really have to lose your pink glasses...
Vise, you're clinging to the possibility of her comming back way too much. Stay off her phone, stay off her iPad, stay off her Facebook, stop questioning why she's nice to you, stop questioning why she's not at the neighbors, stop justifying there being no other men because you can't see them. I've been down that path countless times and none of it really tells you what's happening. None of it matters, she wants a separation and then she will want a divorce.
I know she's been such a big part of your life and how difficult this is for you but you have to find yourself through all of this. Not her, not another woman that will make you happy, you. Stop snooping, it's not helping you and once you separate homes it could cause you to make some stupid decisions.
Yes, snooping makes it worse. It's hard not to, but don't do it.
Hey,
I just feel stuck right now. there is so much going to happen and so much I need to get ready that when I tried to get going on it I find pieces missing and to get that piece of info I need three other pieces. It is paralyzing me. I feel so much on me right now that I can move. There are so many moving parts to this S that I can keep track, it seems out of control right now, with the W pushing the open house and we don't have the separation agreement done yet. It is not how I do things, I do them slow and piece by piece, not six all at once hoping they all work out. She and I guess me, by letting it happen are at risk of falling on our faces of something going bad and not lining up and something slipping through then it all falling apart.
I don't know if its just nerves or what but it just seems all to much for me right now. I tell her that and she just keep right on plowing ahead. She doesn't listen to me at all.
Its like back when she wanted kids and we didn't have the money I stated my concerns but it went ahead anyway, we had kids and we didn't get the house first, it was rough and she complained the whole time stating how she has this bad luck and everything bad happens to us. She hated living like this.
Well when you just go about things like this and don't set your self up and protect your self from bad things, well bad things are more likely to happen.
There is nothing I can do this is going to go ahead like it is.
I am just venting...
Hey Vapo, Fogg, NYgal, thanks for your words, I had a mini breakdown today on the way home. Tears and all. I haven't had one in a while, I guess I was due for one. I guess you all could see it forming. I feel a little better, I am going to try to regroup and take care of what I need to take care of, I know I can do this, I didn't reply to W at all. I need all my effort on me and my kids,
Tomorrow is another day, one day at a time
Vise, Hang on buddy, it gets better, it really does, but man oh man, wait until you release her from your mind, you will loose soo much weight, you will think you are flying.
I know what you are going trough, Fogg does as well, Otw and a couple of other blokes as well. I felt like my heart was ripped from my guts, then thrown in front of me and then stomped on and set on fire while the evil bitch grinned in my face. She rubbed the affair in my face, I was a zombie for a better part of the year post BD.
Then it just clicked. [censored] that! I deserve better than that. I deserve love and some respect. [censored] that $hit. I came to the realization that I will be just fine if I'm alone. I have my kids, I'm gonna be the best god damn dad EVER. And if the bitch was willing to throw away the best thing that ever happened to her, well that is her right and HER GOD DAMN LOSS.
I WILL NOT ME HER KEEPER. She is an adult, she can learn to fend for herself. I am not being a dick to her, but her favor asking days are OVER. I am here for ME an MY KIDS and MY FRIEND and MY FAMILY. AND THAT IS IT.
Believe me Vise, I carried the weight of the world in my heart, I soooo wanted to explode at times, numerous times I asked WHY to the sky.
I got ME back. I grew and I continue growing, I learned to do stuff I never dreamed, I got "superpowers", I can read people like a book and a whole bunch more.
I do not know if you believe in God, bud Vise, the higher power is the only authority that can help you and take the burden for you. What we loaded onto ourselves was waaaaaaaaaaaaay more than we could carry, so it was either give it to The big guy, or end up crushed under 16 tons of crap our exes piled onto us. I chose door No. 1 and man it feels good. It feels good to breathe again.
I would be lying if I said I do not care for my X any more, but she is making her choices and I respect that. I do not snoop, it is really pointless, I am most glad when I don't hear or see her. I have life of my own, I have hobbies, I travel the world on my own, I loooooove my new life, I get a do over on everything. Find out what you really want in life and make it happen. Your life is no over Vise, it is only beginning.
Red or blue pill?
Damn, Vapo!
TESTIFY!
I want some of what you got, buddy!
Being this early on in the sitch really makes it hard to see ANY light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks for talking a little about your journey, it definately helps to hear from others that have traveled this path before us.
Yea...Vapo is straight up 'preaching'!
Honestly...I needed to hear that tonight. Good stuff, man. Everyone once in a while, when we are in our own 'fog' of anxiety, loss, pain...we can step out of all those and see that life will go on without H or W...but those glimpses are few and far between.
It does the heart good to hear from those who have weathered the storm, and found safe harbor on the other side! Thanks again!
hey,
normally I don't go on here at this time of night. I had a great time with my boys, W worked late, she is home and I put them to bed, then she is on me about my check for 56% of the bills but I see the car payment s on there for a car she will be taking soon and she wants me to pay the whole premium for my life insurance.
Just more stuff that I wont have to deal with when the S agreement gets signed.
Thanks VAPO your word were well directed to what I needed to read. I was getting a taste of what your talking about then I lost that over the last couple of days.
I am sitting here and W is on the phone with her mom talking about if she talked to the lawyer and if that part of the mortgage is done. All of it stinging as this was the MIL that welcomed me into her family only to help break this one apart. Its hard not to take it personally. Giving W the money to see this S through stung my heart. How is she going to learn anything if they keep bailing her out. When I married her they joked she was my problem now, well looks like the tables have turned, W is their problem now.
Wow...I would get out of that room, Vise. Seriously...I couldn't imagine holding my emotions in check if that type of convo was going on. Protect yourself. Your emotions, and your ability to respond wisely.
I have worked with children and adolescents for quite a while. I can honestly say that bad parenting (bailing out, not allowing children to face consequences or fail, giving when they should withhold, and vice versa) creates very unstable and unproductive adults. Not saying that is your W...but 'spoiled' adults act just like 'spoiled' kids. It IS absolutely possible for them to grow & change though....don't give up on that just yet, my friend.
Hey pajo,
W is spoiled.
So I have been feeling terrible and wife has picked up on it, She talked to me this morning saying whats going on your were ok with S for the last two days , what is wrong. Then she is asking if the people can come into the house to take the listing pictures.
I was angry, she is asking and I cant say no so why ask? I said back there is nothing I can do so go ahead take the pictures. I was angry. I think its because we told the kids and nothing changed. I had a little hope something would change. My S7 this morning asked to see photos of the house his mom is buying. He is happy for the new houses.
I left the house and W texts me asking what is wrong, I haven't replied. I don't know what to say to her.
Was thinking of saying this is not easy for me, I have good days and bad days.
I got approved for the house I was looking at and I am not as happy as I should be about it. Its that I just feel so alone. with no one to love but my kids. I feel so empty.
I know its just feelings and they will pass.
I'm sorry vise.
You need to put the fake it face on around her.
You have to accept the mindset that nothing can improve living the way you are and this may be your only chance to see if things will change.
Realize she doesn't feel free even though the in house had been going on. I know you felt different but she needs to remove herself from you still. Her mind is set. That doesn't mean it won't change but that is the way it is right now.
You need to find a way t not have the attitude around her. These are your last in house impressions.
W is spoiled.
So what. You are not feeding that anymore, right? She will have to figure out for herself if that is the woman she wants to be.
Its that I just feel so alone. with no one to love but my kids. I feel so empty.
I know its just feelings and they will pass.
Continue to love your kids. There is one more prrson in this equation that desperately needs the love that you are begging to gove to someone...who could really use it....take a guess??? What can you do today for that man?
What is wrong she asks?!?! Who the f is she kidding? Take your balls from her purse and say what is wrong. Tell her that you do not want a divorce and if she wants one, she can bloody well work for it herself. Tell her it's her divorce not yours.
I can guarantee you she honestly does not know why you are not happy with divorce. She is residing in Looney ville right now...
Hey
OTW,
I get what you are saying fake it its the last impression, don't give the resistance to what she wants. let her /us move out and sell the home. It takes two to R and once to want S.
She wants S, I have resisted for 9 months. I can hold her hostage like this any more.
I get it its just in the last couple of days after telling the kids I am on a down turn. I was doing good at faking it. Then of course W likes it she gets what she think she wants.
I need to continue with that path, dealing with the problems I have now while still having hope for the future.
Zephyr
Yes she will need to figure out things on her own, This whole sale of the house she is doing on her own.
Yes I am forgetting me, to love me. good point. I want to crawl under a rock and just forget about everything. I don't know what can I do for myself? I can lock in this house I was looking at and get this house I am living in sold. When I was thinking of living on my own I felt a little better, maybe I should be doing that more.
VAPO,
I have said that that, I have said through out the 9 months of in house S that I don't want this. It wont help me now to do that right now. I need to just think of this as a business transaction. That's what I read months ago.
In a text w sent to a friend of hers, she said that I will change my mind about S once I see how much money I will be getting from FIL. So be it. The money will help me get my own place. With out it, I would be staying in the house till the bitter end.
I think with me now answering the question answers the question of what is wrong?
I am all about doing things on my own but I tried and she is not changing her mind. I need the help so I am taking it. If they want to buy me off so that there grand kids have a nice place to live... I need to take it.
Hey Vise...the text from your W's friend just proves how 'looney' she is. That $$ can replace a family is ridiculous. If W was in a sane place..she would know that.
Keep at your stuff man. Be an amazing father. I can't imagine being in your shoes (though I know it could happen soon)...I'm sure the loneliness is crushing. Take heart in the fact that you will be able to look your kids in the eye and say you gave it all you had!
Stay out from under the rock! My mom always told me that only healthy things grow in the sun...deadly things fester under rocks.
Some judges would not look kindly upon a spouse leaving the marital home before legal proceedings. Ask a lawyer before you move an inch.
And I would not look too kindly at inlaws buying me out...
My 2 cents anyway...
Hey,
Last night we had the real estate agent over and now the house is going to be listed. We have a sign on the lawn. I thought W wanted to not have a sign and kids were there and I am saying to W that she said she didn't want a sign at first. S7 starts saying we cant sell with out a sign, and he is so excited to move. I don't think he gets what is happening fully or something. I am glad he is taking it so well but I don't understand why he is happy to move.
Its like a another kick in the teeth to have that sign up.
So I am contacting my Lawyer today to give an update and make sure what we are doing is ok.
Vapo, We both are moving out of the house and getting new places. S papers are in process but yes nothing signed yet, W lawyer is drafting it up. Seems to be taking a while.
As for the inlaws buying me out, I mentioned that to W that it feels like that, she jumped on me figuratively and defended her dad saying her just wants to help both of us equally. But the money is only there if I don't take W to court.
She is asking me if I can do a showing of the house tonight. I feel like I want to tell her to go to heck, she wanted the S she can do it. But I feel like I am past that. There is too much at stake to start that. Plus I agreed to sell the house, but I had no choice it was going to happen either now or later.
This is what I want to reply back:
I don't want to show the house but you are forcing me. is this the only thing you care about selling the house? Its like back when I owned the house with my brother and you came in to my life. We were not married yet but you wanted me to sell that house, and for what. All that came from that was I lost contact from my family, lost a lot of money, lost a lot of time spent working on that house. And for what for you to just do the same now with this house.
I know I cant send that.
What I should respond with:
OK
I think you have two choices.
Either say you are available or you are not.
I feel you. I may have to lean towards not available, but i also know this has to happen.
is there not an agent involved? Why do you have to show the house yourself? Typically you leave and the agent does the work.
Agree w/ otw. Curious why the Realtor isn't doing the showing?
Also...if you don't want to, or can't be available. Then so be it.
However, agree w/ above advice to basically keep it to 'yes' or 'no'. Think about what will be accomplished...even w/ an edited version of your initial response? May make you feel good to 'zing' her...and she prob deserves it...but won't produce any real results.
I understand the rage. I really do. So sorry you're battling
Hey OTW,
We are selling with out an agent, W was an agent for like two years before we had kids.
Actually I have a reason for not doing it. Guy at work is sick and I have to cover the on call as there is no one else.
W was planning to go to her weight loss club (basically a excuse for her girl friends to visit once a week). She will have to stay home to look after the kids as there is a small chance I might get called in.
Will see how that goes.
i understand, i used to be an agent as well.
in that case she is best suited to handle this.
I would be busy. I dont think you will be the best emotionally or mood wise for the job.
just respond that you are not available for this and you ca say that you know this needs to happen, but you are not comfortable handling the showings.
no more no less.
hey
I got it all worked out, W will do the showing and stay home to look after the kids incase I get called in. I will clean the house before the showing.
Thanks for the great help OTW!!
Vise i am just reading part of your stitch and i feel for you man. It's a tough place to be in the beginning. Vapo nailed it on page 8. It truly does get better. I for one isolated myself and didnt believe i would get through with this. Until i finally accepted what is and dropped the rope , boy do i feel like i am flying. Dont get me wrong yes i still miss my w and would agree to reconciliation but at the moment i am happy alone.
But where it will get emotional it's when you drop of your kids at moms house and wont see them again for 2 weeks. When your kid hugs you and tells you "i want to go with you daddy dont leave me" ooohh man! thats when i just want to slap my w and tell her " cant you see this? cant you see the damage you are causing"?
Regarding your interaction with your W. Treat her and every conversation and txt like a business transaction and straight to the point. Let her know you mean business and you are on top of the world. HEy is her lost!!
I am going through custody battle and divorce court at the moment. And i love when W txt me dumb things that i really dont need to answer like " hey D3 is missing her head band" Well i just completely ignore those txt and i know it pisses her off. Because before i would answer in 10 sec or beg her and tell her sorry. NOt anymore buddy! Vise , it gets better brotha, hang in there you will make it. I know it.
Vapo nailed it with asking you to leave it to the man up stairs. Leave your troubles to God. Dont worry about it anymore. Ever since i did that, his comfort peace and grace has been poured over me. Blessings to you!
Hey,
So last night we had the house showing but before that I got called in to work and W texts back if I did nay cleaning? Really? I ignored it. Then she is texting me when I am getting back, really I was at work repairing broken equipment and she is asking me to come home fast.
I did come home and took the kids and dog for a walk. It was cold and we had to come back, she is telling me to stay out as the showing was still on. I came back anyway as we were all cold, and told her that.
After the open house, W comes down to where me and the kids were playing, and says she is going to head over to the gay neighbors house, some of the other neighbors were there too, she wont be long. Soon as I heard that I turned around and ignored her and focused on my kids. She was lying there was no one else there but her and him, she just said that because I said before that is wrong for her to be there alone with him.
I was so mad. Does she think having a sign on the lawn indicate that she can just ignore how I feel about this and even though she knows It hurts me and I dislike that she goes there to tenth degree, she had that nervous voice and was lying to me and was going over there anyway.
How can I trust her or have any type of relationship with here even co parent if she is going to flat out lie to me and show that she truly does not care how I feel about it. So was she waiting till the sign was up, now the other neighbors know she doesn't have to hide anymore? She was gone for an hour and half, Kids were in bed, she didn't say god night to them.
I had a five year old kid from two houses down, after I came home from work my door bell and ask why my W and I want to live apart. I told her I don't know you will have to ask my W.
I could smell something off her when she came home, it must be what his place smells like. I am so mad, I don't know what to do.
So do I confront W about this disrespectful way she hurt me last night. Or do I let it go.
Vise, buddy, let it go. Recognize the fact that she has the right to do what she wants to do, afterall, she is divorcing you...
Any ranting from you will just come off as weak. And you have to realize, she does not give the fcuk about your feelings. What on earth would have you believe she worries about your feelings? It is all about her from now on, in her mind she has sacrificed herself for years and years and now it is time for her to be happy... I am not saying that is true, I am only pointing out what is on her mind...
And for the sake of the argument, let's assume you do speak to her about her "disrespectful" behavior, what good could possibly come out of it? I frankly see none, none what so ever. Please share with us if you see any possible benefit.
Detach and stay strong buddy, that is the only way to go...
I think the advice from Vapo is sound, Vice.
It is SO counterintuitive...but all of us have GOT to DETACH from our W, WW, WAW, WAH, etc.
I have found that I am increasingly more 'myself' and happy when I try to develop the 'independent' attitude that is going to insulate me from her every 'word' and 'deed'.
I know that it, in now way, takes away the sting of something like last night's incident...but reading the stories of those on this board stands as proof that we can, and will move on.
Basically...I look at it like I will NO LONGER allow her to control my emotions. I am so SICK of letting her actions and moods dictate my ability to find some joy. It was/is sucking the life out of my ability to provide, my ability to be an amazing dad, a good son, and friend to those around me. Screw that...I can't fix her anyway!
Sometimes it just helps me to nut up, put on some strong music, scream 'F that!' and pour myself into the lives of those who DO want and LOVE me. Now.
Hey,
possible benefit is she avoids doing things that will hurt me and think how her actions affect our R even if its just co parenting.
As for the divorcing me. This has never came out of her mouth. Maybe just wishful thinking on my part but all that has been mentioned was S, she was needing space to see it her feelings for me came back, that she wants them to, she just needs the space to give it a chance.
If that is the case then there is two side to that, I need her to respect my feelings and if I am to want to have nay type of R with me she need to show me that she can interact with me truthfully and respectfully.
I know how this sounds but I have kids with her, divorced or not we are going to have to interact.
Maybe my thoughts are not correct but this is what I am feeling and I want to tear a strip off her for last night. How can I trust her at all right now. With the S so close to being signed and with so much trust needed to sign it, how can I trust anything she has said.
This has set us back, on the rad to S and I want to tell her that.
Hey,
possible benefit is she avoids doing things that will hurt me and think how her actions affect our R even if its just co parenting.
As for the divorcing me. This has never came out of her mouth. Maybe just wishful thinking on my part but all that has been mentioned was S, she was needing space to see it her feelings for me came back, that she wants them to, she just needs the space to give it a chance.
If that is the case then there is two side to that, I need her to respect my feelings and if I am to want to have nay type of R with me she need to show me that she can interact with me truthfully and respectfully.
I know how this sounds but I have kids with her, divorced or not we are going to have to interact.
Maybe my thoughts are not correct but this is what I am feeling and I want to tear a strip off her for last night. How can I trust her at all right now. With the S so close to being signed and with so much trust needed to sign it, how can I trust anything she has said.
This has set us back, on the rad to S and I want to tell her that.
Vise,
she does not give a fcuk about your feelings. I know it is hard to believe, but it is what it is.
I am sorry to be bursting your bubble, but her saying that she needs space and time to sort her feelings is crap, you have to realize that. Ask Sandi if you do not believe me. And us poor schmucks we go thinking Oh, just a week or so of being apart and we're back in business. Her saying she needs time to sort her feelings is just to ease her guilt towards you.
Ok, for the sake of the argument, let's assume that she has romantic feeling to the gay neighbors. That would mean that she (currently at least) has no romantic feelings towards you. And believe be, she bloody well knows how you feel about her going to the neighbor's, and guess what, she does not give a fcuk... Does she touch you in an affectionate way? Does she kiss you? Are you allowed to touch her? Well I would be hugely surprised if your answer is yes to any of these questions.
You tearing her a new one for seeing the neighbor will only make you look weak and pathetic. And what will you do if (when) she decides to go over again? Again a hissy fit?
Vise, my friend, she currently does not respect you or your feelings and for her feelings to resurface, she will have to respect you first...
I can't really add much. Vapo hit it all. There is no reason you should get into any of this with her. I think you look at S a little different than her. In her eyes you are done. I don't care what she tells you.
I do know if you go and start bringing this up you will push her further. She will immediately want to do exactly what you are complaining about.
Read the 37 rules and your answer will be clear. The anger is yours. Not hers.
Hey Ojap,
I get what you are saying. I would like to be in a place where her actions have no affect on how I feel. Then I wouldn't be feeling what I am right now.
It would be freedom from the trap of being hurt by her. This is the hard part, how does that happen, the detachment. It has been discussed on here many times I have read about it many times. Its about letting go. I don't know if that is a choice or what but slowly it is going to happen, It has not yet for me or I wouldn't be feeling what I am feeling right now.
VAPO,
You are correct I have not touched her or even tried to touch her in months. She hasn't kissed me in years, except one drunken night the last time we had sex.
I don't think its so black and white with how she thinks about my feelings. Its more of a she cares more about this other guy more that she cares about me. That is the part that stings. When she leaves she is making a choice between him and me and I loose. With her not respecting me, well I don't respect her.
I am so mad.
I hope that using this forum will ease some of that anger.
I know what I should do and I was Ok faking it and being there with our good interaction in the house, but right now I want to kick her out and send her across the street to live.
To leave this alone, I can do that. I don't want to look weak and pathetic. It this anger that I need to control. Yesterday I helped her out and got home early and for what for her to crap on me???
We still need each other right now to get this S to go through, for each of us to act civil for the kids, for us to work together to split the house up and get paper work together. I am to be strong and just let it go and act like I am ok with it all?
I am not, I am forced to do this, forced to S, forced to not take it to court. Forced to move.
I did not force her to marry me. It was her choice, and it was her choice to tell me it not me its her for two years while we were having problems. She chose to lie about what she was feeling inside to me. She chose to let the MR die inside of her with out letting me know that was happening. That the problems were so bad that it was going to end the MR.
This is so exhausting.
Hey Ojap,
We still need each other right now to get this S to go through, for each of us to act civil for the kids, for us to work together to split the house up and get paper work together. I am to be strong and just let it go and act like I am ok with it all?
Hell no. Let her do ALL the work. It is her separation, not yours. WTF should you do ANY work at all. You can just tell her you recognize her right to do her thing, but she can do the work herself. Fcuk that $hit!
I agree w/ Vapo. My W hasn't 'went there'....yet. But if she wants S...then SHE has to do it. Plain and simple. It isn't what I want. So...I will not be party to it. I will hold myself accountable for my mistakes. I will treat her with respect in front of the kids (because they internalize the blame). But agreed...he11 no!
She did 'cake eat' on you last night. You should be pissed. Calling you 'home fast', telling you the house wasn't cleaned, then off to do 'her own thing'. You absolutely can establish a boundary against that kind of crap.
My earlier comments were more 'internal' and reflective so that you can manage the stuff better on an emotional level.
The neighbor is just a placeholder, someone else will fill that role at some point. You assume she doesn't want a D but she's basically emotionally divorced from you. Her being civil and caring about you not to hurt you doesn't mean she wants a romantic relationship with you anymore, or ever will. It's hard but it's the same with mine. Don't connect those two dots and assume something will come from it eventually. Also, your spending way too much time antipicating and expecting how things will progress in the future. That wishful thinking is denial. You don't have to assume she does want D but don't assume it's just a temporary separation either, move forward and let the chips fall where they fall.
Let me ask you one question to get you thinking for a while. Don't need to respond here, just consider it. Her own issues aside(since this is about her) what have you really changed about you. Why would she want to remain married to you instead of moving onto someone/Something new. What is it that you bring to the table that will attract her back. Dig deep here. Stability for the kids and a better lifestyle because of incomes are likely guaranteed so they can't be the main points.
You do alot of talking about what she's doing that's so hurtful to you and very little about yourself other than a few new activities.