Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 08:22 AM
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 09:01 AM
MB I read them because theyre usually one liners. So I would read them even if I deleted them. And he does sometimes text about the kids or his mother.
As for calling 911. I didn't go over there. I have in the past and then I would walk in and he would just be there drinking beer and listening to sad music.
He does what works. Or what he knows has worked in the past. Which is why I didn't go.
Today he said he will stop texting me since he sees I don't love him or think about him. Said he sees how easy it is for me to ignore him.
As for calling 911. I didn't go over there. I have in the past and then I would walk in and he would just be there drinking beer and listening to sad music.
He does what works. Or what he knows has worked in the past. Which is why I didn't go.
Today he said he will stop texting me since he sees I don't love him or think about him. Said he sees how easy it is for me to ignore him.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 09:22 AM
Rain, it sounds like you are doing a good job of DBing. If W said those things to me I'd run right over and tell her how much I love her. Of course the fact that you don't do those things is why it works. Who dropped us into this alternative universe?
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 10:28 AM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
Rain, it sounds like you are doing a good job of DBing. If W said those things to me I'd run right over and tell her how much I love her. Of course the fact that you don't do those things is why it works. Who dropped us into this alternative universe?
Thanks NYGal but I'm not. I can only not respond when I ask myself what me responding will change. Will he magically decide to do what I need him to do? Will I suddenly feel loved and safe with him again?
It seems like I'm just pushing him further away. But whats the alternative for me? Pretending that all of this is okay and rug sweeping because he isn't mature enough to actually face and deal with our issues. And that is not acceptable anymore. It just isn't.
We R after his PA. And all that happened was fighting and him taking the A to an EA which he got a lot better at hiding. Screw that.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 10:39 AM
You did awesome, Rain! You are quickly becoming a DB master! 
The really crappy thing about running right over to them, NYGal, is it just reaffirms that you are their monkey on a chain and all they have to do is jerk it and you'll come running. If they wanted to come back/be with us, they would be. They wouldn't have to engage in these petty, pathetic displays for attention. I can't tell you the number of times my H has reached out just asking me to share my heart and tell him exactly how I feel, and then when I do...nothing. They're not ready to do the work to come back...they just want to make sure we're still hanging around waiting for them.
The really crappy thing about running right over to them, NYGal, is it just reaffirms that you are their monkey on a chain and all they have to do is jerk it and you'll come running. If they wanted to come back/be with us, they would be. They wouldn't have to engage in these petty, pathetic displays for attention. I can't tell you the number of times my H has reached out just asking me to share my heart and tell him exactly how I feel, and then when I do...nothing. They're not ready to do the work to come back...they just want to make sure we're still hanging around waiting for them.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 10:48 AM
Originally Posted By: annab74
You did awesome, Rain! You are quickly becoming a DB master! The really crappy thing about running right over to them, NYGal, is it just reaffirms that you are their monkey on a chain and all they have to do is jerk it and you'll come running. If they wanted to come back/be with us, they would be. They wouldn't have to engage in these petty, pathetic displays for attention. I can't tell you the number of times my H has reached out just asking me to share my heart and tell him exactly how I feel, and then when I do...nothing. They're not ready to do the work to come back...they just want to make sure we're still hanging around waiting for them.
The really crappy thing about running right over to them, NYGal, is it just reaffirms that you are their monkey on a chain and all they have to do is jerk it and you'll come running. If they wanted to come back/be with us, they would be. They wouldn't have to engage in these petty, pathetic displays for attention. I can't tell you the number of times my H has reached out just asking me to share my heart and tell him exactly how I feel, and then when I do...nothing. They're not ready to do the work to come back...they just want to make sure we're still hanging around waiting for them. Anna! That's horrible. To ask you to open your heart and share your feelings only to give you nothing back. Grrrr Annas H. Let me know when you want me to make my call and analyze him. LOL
And thanks Anna. But like I said to NYG im not doing well. When we do have an exchange (child, finance or Mom related) they leave a LOT to be desired. I know my anger comes through. And sometimes my sadness. Mainly because he always sneaks in R talk and blame. If it wasn't for my mouth we would be okay is his go-to. A and cam girls are never the problem. Go figure.
I have gotten better at ignoring R and guilt texts. That's pretty much where I am. I want to be where you are. So that the interactions we do have leave him speechless LOL. What is going on? Has she found someone else? Does she not love me anymore? Why is SHE so happy?! Ahhh. A gal can dream.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 11:16 AM
So I guess he is on the hunt for a new (or old) girlfriend. He wanted me to know that since "I" decided to end things. He hopes I am happy. He will do what I want and move on. Oh the joys of loving a teenager in a mans body.
And I'm sure he will find one quick. Stupid model looks of his! I want to stop this. Desperately. I don't want him to find someone else and do for her what he didn't do for me. I don't want an accidental pregnancy.
But I will either STFU or wish him well. Either way I will not buckle. Because if I did I would still not have the R I want and deserve. I would always feel insecure and be waiting for the other shoe to drop. So what's the F'ing use.
But how great is it that now I'll have this to think about?!.
Back to hating him with a fiery red passion.
And I'm sure he will find one quick. Stupid model looks of his! I want to stop this. Desperately. I don't want him to find someone else and do for her what he didn't do for me. I don't want an accidental pregnancy.
But I will either STFU or wish him well. Either way I will not buckle. Because if I did I would still not have the R I want and deserve. I would always feel insecure and be waiting for the other shoe to drop. So what's the F'ing use.
But how great is it that now I'll have this to think about?!.
Back to hating him with a fiery red passion.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 11:46 AM
Rain, are the boys with you? If they are, there is nothing that F needs to say to you about them that is an emergency right at this moment. You know they are alright. So, give yourself and your nerves a break and don't open your text messages for the rest of this afternoon....or for as long as you can stand it. He isn't going anywhere. He is throwing everything he can think of out there just trying to find ANYTHING that you will bite at so he can engage you in the same old begging and lies that you aren't going to believe anyway. He's just baiting you! You're letting him torment you by reading it. Absolutely nothing has changed today....it's the same as yesterday, the day before, the day before, and so on. He's not anymore looking for a new girl right this moment than he was yesterday or than he will be tomorrow. NOTHING HAS CHANGED except for your response and it's confusing him so he keeps trying what has always worked before. Eventually, he will figure out that doesn't work anymore. Then, he will have to figure out what will if he wants to keep you in his life.
You ARE doing an awesome job at DB for the moment. Keep it up! And, when you DO have to talk to him, you can, even if only for 10 minutes while on the phone, ACT AS IF you are thrilled that he's out of your life and you have some other hunky supermodel that loves you and is giving you what you want/need. Kill him with cheerful kindness. Remember when I talked about being at H's house and that skanky b ow walked in like she owned my H and my house? She was so freaking bubbly it drove me nuts. Irritated the S@#t out of me! Do the same to him (but don't over bubbly it, lol). It WILL make him wonder why you are so happy. If he goes into the R jibberish, IGNORE it and redirect the conversation to what you want/need to talk about. If you've already talked about whatever you needed to talk about, then pleasantly END the conversation. Done. He will then sit there scratching his head and wondering WTF happened to Rain!
You CAN do this. Just focus on your goal before you ever answer the phone. And, if he comes over, either don't let him in, or leave and let him visit with the boys. You do not have to do this on HIS terms. This is YOUR show now. Run it the way YOU want to. He gets no say in Rain's show.
(((((Rain))))). I am sorry he's manipulating you and making you hurt so badly. Just hold your head up and put an end to it. I know you can. It's going to hurt either way, at least this way you might make progress toward YOUR goal. We are here to lean on if you need us.
You ARE doing an awesome job at DB for the moment. Keep it up! And, when you DO have to talk to him, you can, even if only for 10 minutes while on the phone, ACT AS IF you are thrilled that he's out of your life and you have some other hunky supermodel that loves you and is giving you what you want/need. Kill him with cheerful kindness. Remember when I talked about being at H's house and that skanky b ow walked in like she owned my H and my house? She was so freaking bubbly it drove me nuts. Irritated the S@#t out of me! Do the same to him (but don't over bubbly it, lol). It WILL make him wonder why you are so happy. If he goes into the R jibberish, IGNORE it and redirect the conversation to what you want/need to talk about. If you've already talked about whatever you needed to talk about, then pleasantly END the conversation. Done. He will then sit there scratching his head and wondering WTF happened to Rain!
You CAN do this. Just focus on your goal before you ever answer the phone. And, if he comes over, either don't let him in, or leave and let him visit with the boys. You do not have to do this on HIS terms. This is YOUR show now. Run it the way YOU want to. He gets no say in Rain's show.
(((((Rain))))). I am sorry he's manipulating you and making you hurt so badly. Just hold your head up and put an end to it. I know you can. It's going to hurt either way, at least this way you might make progress toward YOUR goal. We are here to lean on if you need us.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 12:04 PM
To me, it sounds like contrived statements just to get a rise out of you. What he is doing/saying isn't getting the desired results, so he is turning up the heat. I'm in behavior health and one of the things we talk about is the "extinction burst." If you have a child who throws a tantrum at the grocery store because she wants a candy bar and you buy them one just to shut them up, you have reinforced the behavior. So next time, they will try it again because they know it worked before. I.e., XF has said things to elicit a particular response from you, and eventually it wears you down and you react, whether positively or negatively. So you reinforced his behavior, and he will keep doing it every time he wants a response. In order to break a particular behavior, you have to stop reinforcing it (common sense, I know). But when you stop reinforcing a previously reinforced behavior, it makes the individual upset because they aren't getting the result they expect. So, like XF, they turn up their response. The child will throw the mother of all tantrums. XF is upping the ante by talking about dating other people and moving on because he is SURE that will bother you and will break down your NC response. But if you continue to ignore/fail to reinforce the "extinction burst," eventually they get the message that you are not going to reinforce their undesired behavior anymore, and they stop trying. It works on kids as well as men. 
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 12:54 PM
Hi Rain, I think that he is trying to control you, so you are still there. It feels like he wants you as a safety net for himself if he has no other option. You are doing great. Just carry on your path and all will be revealed to you :-)
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 01:45 PM
Originally Posted By: Rouky
Hi Rain, I think that he is trying to control you, so you are still there. It feels like he wants you as a safety net for himself if he has no other option. You are doing great. Just carry on your path and all will be revealed to you :-)
Hey Rouky...thanks for stopping by. And that is what I'm afraid of. That everything will be revealed and I'll be back where I was during PA revelation. I can't go back there. I was a mess and barely able to function let alone care for my kids properly.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 01:48 PM
MB...don't over bubbly it...wise words.
I know logically he is using manipulation. It doesn't change how I feel emotionally though.
I just want to get to the place where although I am open to R, what he does will not affect me the way it does.
I know logically he is using manipulation. It doesn't change how I feel emotionally though.
I just want to get to the place where although I am open to R, what he does will not affect me the way it does.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 01:59 PM
Anna. Thanks. I get what you're saying. And I also know eventually he will stop. He hates being ignored. I just feel lost. I ignore him always when I'm mad at him. So really a 180 for me is to engage, by listening, not arguing and validating. But like I read here somewhere...what is there to validate? His cheating?
Or as (I wish I could remember who) said. Validating something good right now equals to "hey..great job breathing. You do that really well"
Because what else is there right now?!
Or as (I wish I could remember who) said. Validating something good right now equals to "hey..great job breathing. You do that really well"
Because what else is there right now?!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 05:35 PM
I hate weekends! He's somewhere living it up. Using more condoms. A sentence I would have never uttered when I was working? Monday Pleassseee get here!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 07:02 PM
No, no...stop torturing yourself with those thoughts!!!! Bad Rain!!
He probably uses them to make balloon animals because he's bored and lonely without you. That's all.
He probably uses them to make balloon animals because he's bored and lonely without you. That's all.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 07:07 PM
Originally Posted By: annab74
No, no...stop torturing yourself with those thoughts!!!! Bad Rain!!
He probably uses them to make balloon animals because he's bored and lonely without you. That's all.
He probably uses them to make balloon animals because he's bored and lonely without you. That's all.
Oh YES of course. That's GOT to be what he's doing. He's home. He's making balloon animals. He's missing me and anxiously awaiting Monday to book appointments for an IC and couples counselor.
Thanks Anna!
LOL
If only.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 08:10 PM
I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. I hate all of this. And he is the one that caused it. Why is it so hard for men (women too I know) to stay faithful. I just don't get it. Look at everything he has done, everything he has put me through, our kids through, how many times he has cancelled on them or just not even asked about them. Look at all the money he has given away. And I stayed faithful to him. Through all of it.
I miss the him that he was before all of this. I miss hugs and being kissed. And laying with him to watch a movie. I miss hanging out with friends and passing each other and grabbing hands for a second. I'm sitting here crying and wishing I didn't miss him.
I want to move on and accept it. I really do. He doesn't deserve my tears. But he gets them anyway. I wish things would have turned out differently.
I wish.
I miss the him that he was before all of this. I miss hugs and being kissed. And laying with him to watch a movie. I miss hanging out with friends and passing each other and grabbing hands for a second. I'm sitting here crying and wishing I didn't miss him.
I want to move on and accept it. I really do. He doesn't deserve my tears. But he gets them anyway. I wish things would have turned out differently.
I wish.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 10:30 PM
I am so glad that I posted that here and let myself cry. Then I read some and will take a steamy hot bath in a little while.
I wanted to text him but I didn't. Even if I break tomorrow, I did good today. LOL
He virtually stalks me...unless he is otherwise engaged....he hasn't since 8pm. Maybe that's why I got so upset and emotional earlier.
Looking forward to when it's me out on a Saturday night!
I wanted to text him but I didn't. Even if I break tomorrow, I did good today. LOL
He virtually stalks me...unless he is otherwise engaged....he hasn't since 8pm. Maybe that's why I got so upset and emotional earlier.
Looking forward to when it's me out on a Saturday night!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 10:43 PM
I hope you're feeling better... A hot bath will probably feel wonderful!
You really are doing awesome, Rain...even when you feel like you aren't. You're stronger than you think.
You really are doing awesome, Rain...even when you feel like you aren't. You're stronger than you think.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/30/16 11:29 PM
Rain, I hate that you're feeling so hurt tonight. I have those nights too. I was feeling that way earlier today. Then, started playing a game with the kids and it took my mind off of it for a bit. I have NOT driven by there today. WooHoo...a full 24 hours!!!!!
I hate thinking about him having sex with that skanky b that he's cheating on me with. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE that he is being so intimate wth someone that's not me. I especially hate that he's pushing me away while drawing closer to her. But, AT LEAST you know that he's using condoms. I'm sure my H doesn't care enough to do that. He will get whatever that whore has and bring it to me if we ever get back together.
The point of honestly and truly detaching and GAL is so you can grow and become strong and independent enough to be happy on your own whether or not this relationship works out. BELIEVE ME, I know how hard and seemingly impossible this is. Anyone following my thread on here KNOWS that I have not been able to do this just yet. I think a lot of it is because I don't WANT to let go. I don't WANT to move on. I don't WANT any of this at all. I just want to go back to my marriage, and my husband, and my house and just live my life like it was supposed to be. I just can't make him want that too. And, you can't make your F want the same things that you want. I wish we could, but we can't. The best we can do is work toward actually detaching and moving on. Hopefully, they will wake up before we are too far along that we are actually not open to them any more. And, if they don't, at that point we won't care what they do, or want, or who they want to be with.
This is horrible, sad, completely unfair, etc.....but, it is the hand that they are forcing us to play. So, let's get on with it as best we can. And, when we fall, we can pick each other up. I am hurting and lost just like you are. I am not strong right now, but I know I can be, and you can too.
I hate thinking about him having sex with that skanky b that he's cheating on me with. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE that he is being so intimate wth someone that's not me. I especially hate that he's pushing me away while drawing closer to her. But, AT LEAST you know that he's using condoms. I'm sure my H doesn't care enough to do that. He will get whatever that whore has and bring it to me if we ever get back together.
The point of honestly and truly detaching and GAL is so you can grow and become strong and independent enough to be happy on your own whether or not this relationship works out. BELIEVE ME, I know how hard and seemingly impossible this is. Anyone following my thread on here KNOWS that I have not been able to do this just yet. I think a lot of it is because I don't WANT to let go. I don't WANT to move on. I don't WANT any of this at all. I just want to go back to my marriage, and my husband, and my house and just live my life like it was supposed to be. I just can't make him want that too. And, you can't make your F want the same things that you want. I wish we could, but we can't. The best we can do is work toward actually detaching and moving on. Hopefully, they will wake up before we are too far along that we are actually not open to them any more. And, if they don't, at that point we won't care what they do, or want, or who they want to be with.
This is horrible, sad, completely unfair, etc.....but, it is the hand that they are forcing us to play. So, let's get on with it as best we can. And, when we fall, we can pick each other up. I am hurting and lost just like you are. I am not strong right now, but I know I can be, and you can too.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 04:32 AM
Skanky B...lol...that made me laugh MB. Thanks for your words. I can't sleep. Almost drove over there. Because I want to. Also because condoms don't just walk away and he keeps crying innocent. He says he is home every night! I know if I drive there right now he won't be home and I kind of feel like it will help me keep my resolve. But I'm struggling and fighting myself NOT to go.
MB I totally get where you're coming from. That you don't want to let go. In my past I was cheated on. And I walked away without a second thought and never looked back. Why the F is it so hard with him!!!
And all my life I have had the personality that once I move on, once I'm "done" there is zero chance of getting me to change my mind. My first real love cheated and I dropped him like a bad habit. I cried but never went back. He is still in love with me. And I wouldn't touch him for anything.
So I get scared. If he wakes up and grows up that I won't care one little bit. And that would make me so sad. For us yes, but more so for our kids.
But like you said...they are forcing us to play this hand. So really, if I get to that point he will have no one to blame but himself. I mean he will blame me (he already is) but he would be the one to believe that.
MB I totally get where you're coming from. That you don't want to let go. In my past I was cheated on. And I walked away without a second thought and never looked back. Why the F is it so hard with him!!!
And all my life I have had the personality that once I move on, once I'm "done" there is zero chance of getting me to change my mind. My first real love cheated and I dropped him like a bad habit. I cried but never went back. He is still in love with me. And I wouldn't touch him for anything.
So I get scared. If he wakes up and grows up that I won't care one little bit. And that would make me so sad. For us yes, but more so for our kids.
But like you said...they are forcing us to play this hand. So really, if I get to that point he will have no one to blame but himself. I mean he will blame me (he already is) but he would be the one to believe that.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 04:39 AM
Originally Posted By: annab74
I hope you're feeling better... A hot bath will probably feel wonderful!
You really are doing awesome, Rain...even when you feel like you aren't. You're stronger than you think.
You really are doing awesome, Rain...even when you feel like you aren't. You're stronger than you think.
Anna I feel like a complete DB failure but thank you. And I fell asleep reading and never got my hot shower. But I will. It's calling to me LOL
Also I remembered who said that about validating them when they keep lying and cheating etc is saying ...good job breathing..you do that really well. It was Mona!
She's a hoot
I actually came up with a few more too
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 04:45 AM
Anna...where are you? I tried to visit your thread but it keeps saying it can't be found. I did a search and none of your posts come up. None. Only whatever you have posted on other threads. 
Moderators? Where are my friend Anna's threads?
Moderators? Where are my friend Anna's threads?
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 05:16 AM
Originally Posted By: Rain75
.
MB I totally get where you're coming from. That you don't want to let go. In my past I was cheated on. And I walked away without a second thought and never looked back. Why the F is it so hard with him!!!
MB I totally get where you're coming from. That you don't want to let go. In my past I was cheated on. And I walked away without a second thought and never looked back. Why the F is it so hard with him!!!
Read the last sentence of your quote below......that's your answer!!
Originally Posted By: Rain75
So I get scared. If he wakes up and grows up that I won't care one little bit. And that would make me so sad. For us yes, but more so for our kids.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 05:25 AM
Originally Posted By: Rain75
Originally Posted By: annab74
I hope you're feeling better... A hot bath will probably feel wonderful!
You really are doing awesome, Rain...even when you feel like you aren't. You're stronger than you think.
You really are doing awesome, Rain...even when you feel like you aren't. You're stronger than you think.
Anna I feel like a complete DB failure but thank you. And I fell asleep reading and never got my hot shower. But I will. It's calling to me LOL
Uh oh....I can't find her either. I wonder if it had anything to do with what we were talking about on her thread???
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 05:27 AM
Originally Posted By: annab74
No, no...stop torturing yourself with those thoughts!!!! Bad Rain!!
He probably uses them to make balloon animals because he's bored and lonely without you. That's all.
He probably uses them to make balloon animals because he's bored and lonely without you. That's all.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 06:46 AM
MB..i hope that isn't why we can't find her. I would feel terrible if that was the reason.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 07:06 AM
Originally Posted By: - MB -
Originally Posted By: Rain75
.
MB I totally get where you're coming from. That you don't want to let go. In my past I was cheated on. And I walked away without a second thought and never looked back. Why the F is it so hard with him!!!
MB I totally get where you're coming from. That you don't want to let go. In my past I was cheated on. And I walked away without a second thought and never looked back. Why the F is it so hard with him!!!
Read the last sentence of your quote below......that's your answer!!
Originally Posted By: Rain75
So I get scared. If he wakes up and grows up that I won't care one little bit. And that would make me so sad. For us yes, but more so for our kids.
I know the fact that we have kids makes it harder. But I read Monas thread and this is the 2nd time she is here and the 3rd affair. The 1st time she DBed for 3 years while he was with ow. He came home and they were gloriously happy. But it happened again. I don't want that to be my life. It scares the sh!t out of me MB.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 07:54 AM
I know. It scares me too! I really do know. This is his first time to cheat on ME, but I know that he cheated on his first W more than once. She had addiction issues and I really believed that was why he cheated on her. I know that everyone would say I should have expected it, but I really didn't. I would have NEVER thought he would have cheated on me. I am not emotionally or physically unavailable to him like his first W was. I am the complete opposite of that! But, now that he has, it does scare me too. I really think it's because of his MLC though. I just don't think he knows any other way to cope at this point. Or, that could just me be trying to make excuses and justify it for him. I think IF he ever gets out of his MLC...and we end up together....I don't think I would be able to put up with his cheating on me AGAIN. I'm not saying that you shouldn't because only you can decide what's best for you, I just don't think I could put myself out there again to have my heart ripped out again. I'm going to feel darn lucky just to have survived it once!
Just take some time to think about what it is that YOU want. Be brutally honest with yourself. Figure out if you actually want to be married to HIM, or if you're just afraid to let him go. Then, figure out what you are willing to put up with. Can he live up to that? This is one of the things that I have a hard time doing...being HONEST with myself about what I'm thinking, feeling, and wanting where H is concerned.
Just take some time to think about what it is that YOU want. Be brutally honest with yourself. Figure out if you actually want to be married to HIM, or if you're just afraid to let him go. Then, figure out what you are willing to put up with. Can he live up to that? This is one of the things that I have a hard time doing...being HONEST with myself about what I'm thinking, feeling, and wanting where H is concerned.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 08:32 AM
He and I are done. I will report back what all happened but we are done. I need time to process.
I want to say thank you to Zues, Pink, tl2, 25years, NYGal, Ancaire, Anna (please come back!!), Rouky and you MB. And anyone else that has dropped by and given me hugs and supprt and 2x4s.... My new peeps...my online possee.
I am not going anywhere. The days ahead will be emotional and hard. Love you guys
I want to say thank you to Zues, Pink, tl2, 25years, NYGal, Ancaire, Anna (please come back!!), Rouky and you MB. And anyone else that has dropped by and given me hugs and supprt and 2x4s.... My new peeps...my online possee.
I am not going anywhere. The days ahead will be emotional and hard. Love you guys
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 08:40 AM
Did something happen just now that changed things? I hope you're okay! Whatever it is, we will be here for you whenever you need us!
((((((((((Rain))))))))))
That's a big hug because you sound like you need one!
((((((((((Rain))))))))))
That's a big hug because you sound like you need one!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 08:45 AM
Originally Posted By: - MB -
Did something happen just now that changed things? I hope you're okay! Whatever it is, we will be here for you whenever you need us!
((((((((((Rain))))))))))
That's a big hug because you sound like you need one!
((((((((((Rain))))))))))
That's a big hug because you sound like you need one!
As we would say back in my old neighborhood.. Sh!t just got real!
I'll be back on soon.
Thanks for the big hug. That and vodka would help too.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 08:53 AM
I'm still here, Rain! I asked for my 3.0 thread to be deleted because of what we were talking about, and my older thread also got deleted by mistake. Thank you for missing me though.
How are you feeling this morning?
How are you feeling this morning?
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 08:58 AM
We were worried about you Anna! Good to see you back on here.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 09:00 AM
Thanks MB... it's nice to be missed. Hope you had a good Saturday night.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 09:21 AM
Oh no Rain, I'm sorry to read this. Feeling sad and also a little scared for you. Hope you're OK.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 09:39 AM
Oh no...I just saw this. What happened, Rain? I'm so sorry!! Either way, you definitely have to stick around. You have many friends who are here for you.
Originally Posted By: Rain75
He and I are done. I will report back what all happened but we are done. I need time to process.
I want to say thank you to Zues, Pink, tl2, 25years, NYGal, Ancaire, Anna (please come back!!), Rouky and you MB. And anyone else that has dropped by and given me hugs and supprt and 2x4s.... My new peeps...my online possee.
I am not going anywhere. The days ahead will be emotional and hard. Love you guys
I want to say thank you to Zues, Pink, tl2, 25years, NYGal, Ancaire, Anna (please come back!!), Rouky and you MB. And anyone else that has dropped by and given me hugs and supprt and 2x4s.... My new peeps...my online possee.
I am not going anywhere. The days ahead will be emotional and hard. Love you guys
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 10:28 AM
Hi Rain,
Take all the time you need to feel your emotions, don't hold them back. If you have to cry, shou, just do it. I'm sorry to hear that you are done from your previous post. Whatever it is we'll get throught it together and all of us here will support, guide and comfort you day and night.
Please know that we love you and care for you. You are always doing the best for your family and you are a fighter. Never forget that.
Take all the time you need to feel your emotions, don't hold them back. If you have to cry, shou, just do it. I'm sorry to hear that you are done from your previous post. Whatever it is we'll get throught it together and all of us here will support, guide and comfort you day and night.
Please know that we love you and care for you. You are always doing the best for your family and you are a fighter. Never forget that.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 10:32 AM
Hang in rain. Whatever happens YOU aren't done. You have your own journey to go on. We're here for you.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 04:23 PM
Rain - I'm here. This roller-coaster ride is awful, isn't it?
I know I want MY money back...I'll patiently wait until you can check in to let us know you're okay.
(((Rain)))
I know I want MY money back...I'll patiently wait until you can check in to let us know you're okay.
(((Rain)))
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 08:29 PM
Missing you Rain...hope you are OK!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 01/31/16 09:45 PM
Be well, Rain. We'll be here when you return.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 02:42 AM
Rain, I was just checking in to let you know that I'm thinking about you. I really hope that you're okay. I'm not sure what happened yesterday to change things for you, but whatever it is, you know we will be here for you to offer you love, support and encouragement to get through whatever has been thrown at you now. Let us know that you're okay. I'll say a prayer for you and your little ones.....
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 07:39 AM
First, thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. It made me smile that although things aren't great for me IRL right now, that I have met such kind hearted and understanding people here. People that get it and get me.
So onto yesterday....Okay...sorry. Its Long but here it is.
He wanted to talk to me because he said that after he turned me down (after voicemail) that he has been thinking about me a lot.
That the fact that I was ignoring him and only giving mostly 1 word answers about the kids showed him what his life could really be like.
(i get a little excited here...could this finally be it??)
So I call him <<<<< mistake!
All I got to say was "hey".
Hey baby. Thanks for calling me. I've been home thinking about you...about us. I don't understand you. You tell me you love me but then you ignore me. Anyway, I really love you...
(excitement starts to build. I know him. This is DEFINITELY it )
..and i want us to be together. I want us to move forward. I miss you and I miss our family. I hate that I never see the kids (Rain STFU..yes yes we know he doesn't see them because he is "busy")
That all we do is fight. Its not how our life should be. I really miss your face babe. Do you miss me?
Me: yes
Him: you never tell me that and you ignore me. But tell me what you think about us staying together?
(i am at this point tearing up. I love him and miss him desperately and just want a clean slate and he is finally on board!)
Me: what does that look like in your eyes?
Him: I told you hun...we leave the past in the past. We move forward. Stop fighting when we spend time together.
Me: and?
Him: and what?
Me: i love you
Hin: i love you too
Me: that sounds nice XF it really does but...
Him: love there are not but's. It's either yea or no
(my heart starts getting heavy again)
Him: we can do this and move forward together and forget everything or we dont. Your choice.
Me: XF I'm sorry but after all of this I need more than pretending it didn't happen. If we don't figure out why it happened and work on it then it will happen again. I can't go through this again.
He is angry and raising his voice now
Him: this is the sh!t I'm talking about Rain! Why can't you just say okay? Why does everything have to be a F'ing production with you? What? Tell me what YOU need. What!?
Me: transparency and a promise to be faithful for now. And IC too, for both of us.
(not even sure how i am still calm at this point)
Him: are you f#%kinh KIDDING me Ma?! (Ma=pet name all spanish men use)
Im telling you!!! That i love you that I want to be with you and you're making demands!? This has got to be a f#%king joke. Please tell me it's a joke
(here..I am completely deflated....how is it even possible to break an already broken heart? Not sure but he is the master at it...i start crying. Ugh)
Me: then what do you want? To just pretend it didnt happen?
Him: no! It happened! I did it. I can't take it back! But im not going to be broken down for it every day forever either. I don't belong to you. You can't tell me what to do! Listen either yes or no..which is it?!
Me: (still crying) are you going to be transparent? Are you going to be faithful?
Him: i don't look through your ah!t so no, you can't go through mine. I'm not doing anything! And what? You want guarantee that I'll never cheat again? Honey this is real life..there are no guarantees. They best I can do.....
(wait for it because he REALLY said this...)
...is that I can TRY my best.
(What the.....)
Me: Im sorry XF "i will try my best not to cheat on you again" isn't enough.
Him: then at least I know I tried to make this work. You're the one saying no. I love you Rain. I love you so much. I know what I did hurt you and I'm sorry. But nothing will ever be good enough for you. Nothing I say, nothing I do. And I won't live like a prisoner with you checking up on me.
(Do I even have to say it? I am SOBBING now)
Me: no F you! F you! You do NOT get to say that to me. You hace lied! And you have cheated! And you tore our family apart chasing Fing Pussy! And now you offer me more of the same Bullsh!t and have the nerve to say "at least I tried"! No you didn't! Tryibg is doing what I need you to do to regain my trust!
Me: i should have known you wouldn't change. Same ole XF. Me..me..me.
Him: NO. I did try. Im telling you i mias you and i love you and i want us to be together even after everything. And you're saying no.
Me: (FINALLY calmer now) XF I'm sorry. What you're offering is just not enough. You will cheat again. But it won't be on me.
Him: you want a guarantee baby but there are none in life.
Me: cheating is a choice. And you're telling me you aren't sure that you're done making that choice.
Him: peope cheat to feel better. People cheat because they feel good
Me: people cheat because they CHOOSE to cheat! If we were/are having issues you dont cheat! You talk to me. We either work it out or part ways. You don't treat me like sh!t and start an A!
Him: I didn't mean for it to happen or for it to go that far. But we were always fighting and i missed her because we barely ever fought.
Me: XF do you hear what you're saying? We fought BECAUSE of her but you ran to her because we fought. Does that make sense?
Him: it's how i feel. I mean felt.
Me: sure
Him: so?
Me: so, no. I won't be with a man that doesn't love me enough to choose to remain faithful especially after our biggest issue was his infidelity.
I nees transparency to trust you again and to feel safe again. None of these are things you want to give me
Him: then the choice is yours. Remember that.
Me: no XF the second you told me you can only offer to try not to cheat again, you made the choice for all of us.
Him: i love you. I always will
Me: goodbye
So I was very sad and pissed yesterday. He kept texting me after and sending me songs. And I just went numb again after a while. And this is why we are done.
He can be transparent, but refuses to. And he is admitting that he won't be faithful. So then we can not R. I would be willingly walking into it this time and I won't deal with another PA or EA plus all the crap he is doing now. I barely survived his A. Why would I sign up for more?
Sad that he has convinced himself he tried by offering we sweep it under the rug and be "realistic" that he may do it again. I'm obviously beyond upset And hurt but he really did make the choice.
He knows me well enough to know I won't be okay with that.
(I wrote this on my phone. Sorry for any and all typos)
So onto yesterday....Okay...sorry. Its Long but here it is.
He wanted to talk to me because he said that after he turned me down (after voicemail) that he has been thinking about me a lot.
That the fact that I was ignoring him and only giving mostly 1 word answers about the kids showed him what his life could really be like.
(i get a little excited here...could this finally be it??)
So I call him <<<<< mistake!
All I got to say was "hey".
Hey baby. Thanks for calling me. I've been home thinking about you...about us. I don't understand you. You tell me you love me but then you ignore me. Anyway, I really love you...
(excitement starts to build. I know him. This is DEFINITELY it
)..and i want us to be together. I want us to move forward. I miss you and I miss our family. I hate that I never see the kids (Rain STFU..yes yes we know he doesn't see them because he is "busy")
That all we do is fight. Its not how our life should be. I really miss your face babe. Do you miss me?
Me: yes
Him: you never tell me that and you ignore me. But tell me what you think about us staying together?
(i am at this point tearing up. I love him and miss him desperately and just want a clean slate and he is finally on board!)
Me: what does that look like in your eyes?
Him: I told you hun...we leave the past in the past. We move forward. Stop fighting when we spend time together.
Me: and?
Him: and what?
Me: i love you
Hin: i love you too
Me: that sounds nice XF it really does but...
Him: love there are not but's. It's either yea or no
(my heart starts getting heavy again)
Him: we can do this and move forward together and forget everything or we dont. Your choice.
Me: XF I'm sorry but after all of this I need more than pretending it didn't happen. If we don't figure out why it happened and work on it then it will happen again. I can't go through this again.
He is angry and raising his voice now
Him: this is the sh!t I'm talking about Rain! Why can't you just say okay? Why does everything have to be a F'ing production with you? What? Tell me what YOU need. What!?
Me: transparency and a promise to be faithful for now. And IC too, for both of us.
(not even sure how i am still calm at this point)
Him: are you f#%kinh KIDDING me Ma?! (Ma=pet name all spanish men use)
Im telling you!!! That i love you that I want to be with you and you're making demands!? This has got to be a f#%king joke. Please tell me it's a joke
(here..I am completely deflated....how is it even possible to break an already broken heart? Not sure but he is the master at it...i start crying. Ugh)
Me: then what do you want? To just pretend it didnt happen?
Him: no! It happened! I did it. I can't take it back! But im not going to be broken down for it every day forever either. I don't belong to you. You can't tell me what to do! Listen either yes or no..which is it?!
Me: (still crying) are you going to be transparent? Are you going to be faithful?
Him: i don't look through your ah!t so no, you can't go through mine. I'm not doing anything! And what? You want guarantee that I'll never cheat again? Honey this is real life..there are no guarantees. They best I can do.....
(wait for it because he REALLY said this...)
...is that I can TRY my best.
(What the.....)
Me: Im sorry XF "i will try my best not to cheat on you again" isn't enough.
Him: then at least I know I tried to make this work. You're the one saying no. I love you Rain. I love you so much. I know what I did hurt you and I'm sorry. But nothing will ever be good enough for you. Nothing I say, nothing I do. And I won't live like a prisoner with you checking up on me.
(Do I even have to say it? I am SOBBING now)
Me: no F you! F you! You do NOT get to say that to me. You hace lied! And you have cheated! And you tore our family apart chasing Fing Pussy! And now you offer me more of the same Bullsh!t and have the nerve to say "at least I tried"! No you didn't! Tryibg is doing what I need you to do to regain my trust!
Me: i should have known you wouldn't change. Same ole XF. Me..me..me.
Him: NO. I did try. Im telling you i mias you and i love you and i want us to be together even after everything. And you're saying no.
Me: (FINALLY calmer now) XF I'm sorry. What you're offering is just not enough. You will cheat again. But it won't be on me.
Him: you want a guarantee baby but there are none in life.
Me: cheating is a choice. And you're telling me you aren't sure that you're done making that choice.
Him: peope cheat to feel better. People cheat because they feel good
Me: people cheat because they CHOOSE to cheat! If we were/are having issues you dont cheat! You talk to me. We either work it out or part ways. You don't treat me like sh!t and start an A!
Him: I didn't mean for it to happen or for it to go that far. But we were always fighting and i missed her because we barely ever fought.
Me: XF do you hear what you're saying? We fought BECAUSE of her but you ran to her because we fought. Does that make sense?
Him: it's how i feel. I mean felt.
Me: sure
Him: so?
Me: so, no. I won't be with a man that doesn't love me enough to choose to remain faithful especially after our biggest issue was his infidelity.
I nees transparency to trust you again and to feel safe again. None of these are things you want to give me
Him: then the choice is yours. Remember that.
Me: no XF the second you told me you can only offer to try not to cheat again, you made the choice for all of us.
Him: i love you. I always will
Me: goodbye
So I was very sad and pissed yesterday. He kept texting me after and sending me songs. And I just went numb again after a while. And this is why we are done.
He can be transparent, but refuses to. And he is admitting that he won't be faithful. So then we can not R. I would be willingly walking into it this time and I won't deal with another PA or EA plus all the crap he is doing now. I barely survived his A. Why would I sign up for more?
Sad that he has convinced himself he tried by offering we sweep it under the rug and be "realistic" that he may do it again. I'm obviously beyond upset And hurt but he really did make the choice.
He knows me well enough to know I won't be okay with that.
(I wrote this on my phone. Sorry for any and all typos)
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 07:52 AM
Rain, you handled this beautifully. The most important thing is you didn't allow your desire for R to cloud your judgment and accept a relationship that was outside of your boundaries.
Agreed he will cheat again. You don't have to explain it to us. This was beyond evident reading this exchange.
The one thing I'd like you to do is forget about trying to win the argument with him about who made the choice. You aren't going to convince him. If he felt cheating was making the choice to leave then he wouldn't have cheated...but since he wants to cheat he has decided that shouldn't be a deal breaker so he isn't going to change his behavior and thinks it should be ok, so he considers you the one leaving. He truly feels that your not accepting infidelity is walking out on him. Which I guess it could be, some women accept lifelong infidelity. Whatever.
Point is, you're not going to convince him...and you shouldn't need to. Why do you need your WAH to validate you? Why do you need him to acknowledge he is wrong, you are right, etc? First of all that may never happen. XW's narrative hasn't cracked in the slightest in 1.5 years, my IC said it could be 5-10 years or never before she questions her narrative. So don't hold your breath. But secondly, even if you get validation from him, that's not a real win...a real win is getting to where you don't need it because you get your validation from YOU.
Anyway, thanks for sharing, sorry he's such a jerk, and keep posting. Your work is not done.
Agreed he will cheat again. You don't have to explain it to us. This was beyond evident reading this exchange.
The one thing I'd like you to do is forget about trying to win the argument with him about who made the choice. You aren't going to convince him. If he felt cheating was making the choice to leave then he wouldn't have cheated...but since he wants to cheat he has decided that shouldn't be a deal breaker so he isn't going to change his behavior and thinks it should be ok, so he considers you the one leaving. He truly feels that your not accepting infidelity is walking out on him. Which I guess it could be, some women accept lifelong infidelity. Whatever.
Point is, you're not going to convince him...and you shouldn't need to. Why do you need your WAH to validate you? Why do you need him to acknowledge he is wrong, you are right, etc? First of all that may never happen. XW's narrative hasn't cracked in the slightest in 1.5 years, my IC said it could be 5-10 years or never before she questions her narrative. So don't hold your breath. But secondly, even if you get validation from him, that's not a real win...a real win is getting to where you don't need it because you get your validation from YOU.
Anyway, thanks for sharing, sorry he's such a jerk, and keep posting. Your work is not done.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 08:35 AM
Zues LOL I didn't see me handling that well at all. Especially the sobbing and cursing him out.
And yes that will be a glorious day when I don't want his validation.
But right now I care. I'm not even sure why, but I do. I keep foing from crying to numb to anger and cycling. His "offer" was a slap in the face and it's just surreal.
So, 5 to 10 years huh? Wow. Just, wow.
And Thank you. I am also sorry he is a jerk. So the first day of the rest of my life and all that. I want to be excited about it. But I'm not yet.
And yes that will be a glorious day when I don't want his validation.
But right now I care. I'm not even sure why, but I do. I keep foing from crying to numb to anger and cycling. His "offer" was a slap in the face and it's just surreal.
So, 5 to 10 years huh? Wow. Just, wow.
And Thank you. I am also sorry he is a jerk. So the first day of the rest of my life and all that. I want to be excited about it. But I'm not yet.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 09:02 AM
Rain.
I haven't been following your saga very closely. But I'm so proud of you for what you said. Now that you've stated your needs, don't accept anything less.
You got this.
I haven't been following your saga very closely. But I'm so proud of you for what you said. Now that you've stated your needs, don't accept anything less.
You got this.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 09:12 AM
Originally Posted By: Azzork
Rain.
I haven't been following your saga very closely. But I'm so proud of you for what you said. Now that you've stated your needs, don't accept anything less.
You got this.
I haven't been following your saga very closely. But I'm so proud of you for what you said. Now that you've stated your needs, don't accept anything less.
You got this.
Thank you Azzork. I appreciate it. And saga seems appropriate.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 09:57 AM
Good job, Rain. This isn't over yet. He could still come around, get some counseling, and learn that you are too awesome to lose. You never know. I'm hoping for the best for you.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 10:08 AM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
Good job, Rain. This isn't over yet. He could still come around, get some counseling, and learn that you are too awesome to lose. You never know. I'm hoping for the best for you.
Thanks...I am going to get counseling for absolute sure. And I'm no longer holding my breath even though I'm very sad. He seems pretty set on only R if there is zero transparency and me being open to possible future As.
And I won't do that.
But how are you? I know you've had a tough couple of days yourself. Are you okay?
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 10:36 AM
He can't just get the "win" and leave it be. Why would he do that? I was just told that my asking for transparency is extremely unreasonable.
Yep, unreasonable.
Yep, unreasonable.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 11:10 AM
Rain, I am so glad that you finally posted something. I was getting worried about you!!! I know yesterday was a horrible day for you, hopefully you're feeling a little better today. Maybe you can take the boys somewhere and do something fun to get your mind off of it even if it's only for a little bit.
I worked all night last night and haven't been to bed yet, so I'm beyond tired. I did read through your conversation with XF though and wanted to respond. If I don't make any sense, just chalk it up to the fact that I'm really tired and about to crash. I will try to get back on later before work. Try to have a good day today.
Originally Posted By: Rain75
That the fact that I was ignoring him and only giving mostly 1 word answers about the kids showed him what his life could really be like.
(i get a little excited here...could this finally be it??)
So I call him <<<<< mistake!
(i get a little excited here...could this finally be it??)
So I call him <<<<< mistake!
The going dark was working, but some just take longer for it to sink into their thick heads, and some it just never sinks in. Maybe should have waited until he got past that texting/calling constantly and emotions all over the place stage. I know that you were lonely and missing him, and that you wanted this so badly though.
Originally Posted By: Rain75
I hate that I never see the kids (Rain STFU..yes yes we know he doesn't see them because he is "busy")
Yes, he is VERY busy chasing down those runaway condoms! It's an exhausting and never ending job. (Sorry, I couldn't resist)
This made me smile when I read it. I could actually see you on the phone yelling Rain STFU to yourself as a true DBer would do. I yell it to myself over and over on the rare occasion that I get to talk to my H. It never works though. For some reason I never listen to myself.
Originally Posted By: Rain75
(i am at this point tearing up. I love him and miss him desperately and just want a clean slate and he is finally on board!)
Me: what does that look like in your eyes?
Me: what does that look like in your eyes?
((((Rain)))) This was the point when my heart started to hurt for you because I can see that you were getting so excited only to get crushed by him again. I am so sorry!
That was an awesome question you asked him though. You had told him what you needed and we're just waiting for him to say those words back to you. That's all he needed to do, and then follow through.
Originally Posted By: Rain75
He is angry and raising his voice now.
...and this is where the ground under your feet began to crumble.
I really wish that you had just hung up the phone at this point. Once he got frustrated, he was only going to lash out and start blaming you for his problems and inadequacies. You didn't deserve to have to hear all of this again and I'm sorry that he's an idiot and doesn't yet know that you deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Originally Posted By: Rain75
(not even sure how i am still calm at this point)
Because you're growing and working towards a goal and you have practiced and rehearsed talking to him in your head just waiting for this moment and not wanting to mess it up.
Originally Posted By: Rain75
(here..I am completely deflated....how is it even possible to break an already broken heart? Not sure but he is the master at it...i start crying. Ugh)
Of course you're crying. You opened your heart to the chance that he's genuinely wanting to have a mature and committed relationship with you only to be smacked back down to reality by his immature expectations that you will just let him continue on without anything changing. You deserve so much more than that from any man that wants to be in your life. I'm so proud of you for standing your ground even while your heart was breaking. You were so brave and I admire that you were able to not cave in to him. I didn't stand my ground when my H was talking about working on things with me. I am embarrased that I wasn't that strong when I was faced with the opportunity to ease the pain and loneliness.
Originally Posted By: Rain75
(Do I even have to say it? I am SOBBING now)
Me: (FINALLY calmer now) XF I'm sorry. What you're offering is just not enough. You will cheat again. But it won't be on me.
Me: cheating is a choice. And you're telling me you aren't sure that you're done making that choice.
Me: so, no. I won't be with a man that doesn't love me enough to choose to remain faithful especially after our biggest issue was his transparency.
Me: (FINALLY calmer now) XF I'm sorry. What you're offering is just not enough. You will cheat again. But it won't be on me.
Me: cheating is a choice. And you're telling me you aren't sure that you're done making that choice.
Me: so, no. I won't be with a man that doesn't love me enough to choose to remain faithful especially after our biggest issue was his transparency.
No, you don't have to say it. We can all FEEL it just reading this. You didn't deserve for him to do this to you again. It was painful just reading it and knowing how it's hurting you. He was desperately trying to get you back because he was feeling you slip away. He's just not willing to be a man at this point. He still wants to be able to run around and play his games while you stand by his side.
I saved those last 3 statements that you made because they're great! You called him out on his behavior/choices. You have told him exactly what you require of him. He can either man up and be there for you by giving you exactly what you need or not. That's his choice. You have shown him now that you are going to stand your ground and not cave in as he had hoped. So, he's having a tantrum like a little child. He will regroup and try to figure out why that didn't work. He will come up with another plan and come at you again. Eventually, he will have to figure out that he will have to come to you as a mature person that has genuine remorse and is willing to help heal the wounds he has caused you if he ever wants a chance to win back your heart. That's what you deserve. I hope you never settle for less.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 11:21 AM
Letting go of your need to change his mind isn't easy, it's definitely a process. As I said, you will have a lot of imaginary conversations with yourself in which you scream at him. I'm actually glad you said what you said, because otherwise you'd later wish you HAD said it.
But going forward keep the conversations imaginary. Don't engage with any future conversations with him. He knows your boundaries. Until the day comes that he opens the conversation by admitting he was wrong, telling you he's changed, and begging for the chance to back it up, there is nothing to discuss.
One hard part is not needing his validation. You asked why he can't leave it alone? He needs YOUR validation and will keep trying to get you to see things his way. Don't allow your desire to make him see things your way cause you to reengage and rehash this again and again. It interfere's with your healing, and with his journey. Let him be. If you want him to be able to let it be, you have to learn to let it be yourself. It takes time, but you're on the right path.
The other hard part is moving forward without burning bridges. What I mean by that is that you shouldn't wait for him, or hold your breath, and you should move forward...but that doesn't mean you should rebound. Finding another man would just be filling your need for validation from a 3rd party. Once that need wore off you'd probably be in a bad spot and it would lead to more pain. Another guy won't help right now. You have to validate yourself. You never mentioned another man, I'm just attacking it before the temptation arises.
Each day that you move forward, dark from his BS, being the woman you want to be, learning to validate yourself, each of those days is a win. Put a number of them together and you'll be further than you've ever imagined. You can do it. You already are.
But going forward keep the conversations imaginary. Don't engage with any future conversations with him. He knows your boundaries. Until the day comes that he opens the conversation by admitting he was wrong, telling you he's changed, and begging for the chance to back it up, there is nothing to discuss.
One hard part is not needing his validation. You asked why he can't leave it alone? He needs YOUR validation and will keep trying to get you to see things his way. Don't allow your desire to make him see things your way cause you to reengage and rehash this again and again. It interfere's with your healing, and with his journey. Let him be. If you want him to be able to let it be, you have to learn to let it be yourself. It takes time, but you're on the right path.
The other hard part is moving forward without burning bridges. What I mean by that is that you shouldn't wait for him, or hold your breath, and you should move forward...but that doesn't mean you should rebound. Finding another man would just be filling your need for validation from a 3rd party. Once that need wore off you'd probably be in a bad spot and it would lead to more pain. Another guy won't help right now. You have to validate yourself. You never mentioned another man, I'm just attacking it before the temptation arises.
Each day that you move forward, dark from his BS, being the woman you want to be, learning to validate yourself, each of those days is a win. Put a number of them together and you'll be further than you've ever imagined. You can do it. You already are.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 11:22 AM
MB. Can I just say....clap! Clap! Clap! You should ALWAYS respond to posts on zero sleep. That was beyond great. You guys are all great. All I see is that I cried like a baby and cursed worse than a sailor and finally that I am alone.
But damn those runaway condoms! LOL
And MB...i hope that none of us settle for less!
But damn those runaway condoms! LOL
And MB...i hope that none of us settle for less!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 11:28 AM
You were a rock star, Rain! You handled it beautifully! So what if you got upset...OF COURSE you would. There is no other way you could feel when the love of your life and father of your children is telling you he isn't willing to commit himself fully to you right now. But you held your ground and didn't let your desire to have him back make you accept less than what you deserve. That makes you freaking amazing!!! You know who you are and what you're worth and won't take less.
I know it hurts, but it doesn't mean it's over. He still wants you and I don't think he's going to be giving up any time soon. It's negotiation. He offered you a deal and you didn't take it. Now he gets to go back to the drawing table and decide if he wants you badly enough to come back to the table with a better offering.
You got this, girlie!
I know it hurts, but it doesn't mean it's over. He still wants you and I don't think he's going to be giving up any time soon. It's negotiation. He offered you a deal and you didn't take it. Now he gets to go back to the drawing table and decide if he wants you badly enough to come back to the table with a better offering.
You got this, girlie!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 11:36 AM
Zues,
It's funny how you and everyone else sees me. When I just can't. I'm not sure if I've been beaten down by his actions so badly that all I see is an umployed single mother that has some weight to lose and is apparently not worthy of even a cheaters love. Or if it's simply low self esteem. Either way I don't see it in or of myself right now.
I just want to get back to who I was and rock the single mother bit (ugh). I had a full time job. Took courses to learn new things...juggled a few blogs...wrote a couple of non fiction books. Before him and with him before his A (our A?) I used to workout daily. Eat healthy. Had tons of friends. Went to church. Hosted get togethers for no reason. Tried new things. And let people go when they were toxic to me.
And I do know that I can get all of that back. Because I can only control myself.
And I'm glad that I said what I said. Just not how I went about it. The crying and cursing.
And I haven't mentioned other men because I am not fit to date. Plus I still love "the Genius". I don't want to hurt anyone else.
It's funny how you and everyone else sees me. When I just can't. I'm not sure if I've been beaten down by his actions so badly that all I see is an umployed single mother that has some weight to lose and is apparently not worthy of even a cheaters love. Or if it's simply low self esteem. Either way I don't see it in or of myself right now.
I just want to get back to who I was and rock the single mother bit (ugh). I had a full time job. Took courses to learn new things...juggled a few blogs...wrote a couple of non fiction books. Before him and with him before his A (our A?) I used to workout daily. Eat healthy. Had tons of friends. Went to church. Hosted get togethers for no reason. Tried new things. And let people go when they were toxic to me.
And I do know that I can get all of that back. Because I can only control myself.
And I'm glad that I said what I said. Just not how I went about it. The crying and cursing.
And I haven't mentioned other men because I am not fit to date. Plus I still love "the Genius". I don't want to hurt anyone else.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 11:53 AM
Originally Posted By: annab74
You were a rock star, Rain! You handled it beautifully! So what if you got upset...OF COURSE you would. There is no other way you could feel when the love of your life and father of your children is telling you he isn't willing to commit himself fully to you right now. But you held your ground and didn't let your desire to have him back make you accept less than what you deserve. That makes you freaking amazing!!! You know who you are and what you're worth and won't take less.
I know it hurts, but it doesn't mean it's over. He still wants you and I don't think he's going to be giving up any time soon. It's negotiation. He offered you a deal and you didn't take it. Now he gets to go back to the drawing table and decide if he wants you badly enough to come back to the table with a better offering.
You got this, girlie!
I know it hurts, but it doesn't mean it's over. He still wants you and I don't think he's going to be giving up any time soon. It's negotiation. He offered you a deal and you didn't take it. Now he gets to go back to the drawing table and decide if he wants you badly enough to come back to the table with a better offering.
You got this, girlie!
Anna! I thought I lost you!:)
So okay...to clarify I am not holding my ground because I suddenly emotionally realize what I deserve. (though I know logically).
It simply boils down to this one thing. I can't go through the A horror again. I did things I am ashamed of during. And after. I took care of him when he literally was crying and told me it was because he missed her and she was out of town. Yep! And many more humilating things I did beyond staying.
I just can't feel that searing pain again. That's why I am steadfast. And if I can be honest here..if he would have promised me fidelity I may have caved on transparency. Why? Because I hate this. Hate it!
But God saved me from that rabbit hole. By having him offer neither.
It helped remind me that I want it all....or nothing. So it's nothing.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 12:09 PM
Originally Posted By: annab74
I know it hurts, but it doesn't mean it's over. He still wants you and I don't think he's going to be giving up any time soon. It's negotiation. He offered you a deal and you didn't take it. Now he gets to go back to the drawing table and decide if he wants you badly enough to come back to the table with a better offering.
I can't predict the future but he seems pretty okay with this. Blaming me and moving on. Clearly what with the A and cam girls and those flipping disappearing condoms! He seems to have no problem at all moving on.
And Ugh. Must get a detective on the case of the missing condoms...it's a conspiracy dontcha know! To make poor XF look bad.
(another thing he told me in a vm right after the glorious talk.. was that he has been faithful and before I ask the condoms aren't missing they've got to be somewhere in his house...meanwhile when it first happened he admitted they were missing- he just had no idea where they went)
Whyyyyyy do I still see the good in this man!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 12:38 PM
Originally Posted By: inpain
Oh no Rain, I'm sorry to read this. Feeling sad and also a little scared for you. Hope you're OK.
Thanks inpain, for your concern. I'm better today. Still sad, but better than yesterday for sure.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 12:44 PM
Originally Posted By: Rouky
Hi Rain,
Take all the time you need to feel your emotions, don't hold them back. If you have to cry, shou, just do it. I'm sorry to hear that you are done from your previous post. Whatever it is we'll get throught it together and all of us here will support, guide and comfort you day and night.
Please know that we love you and care for you. You are always doing the best for your family and you are a fighter. Never forget that.
Take all the time you need to feel your emotions, don't hold them back. If you have to cry, shou, just do it. I'm sorry to hear that you are done from your previous post. Whatever it is we'll get throught it together and all of us here will support, guide and comfort you day and night.
Please know that we love you and care for you. You are always doing the best for your family and you are a fighter. Never forget that.
Rouky..merci mon amie (is that correct?)
I did a lot of crying and screaming yesterday. Cried today but I'm much better.
I love you all too. Funny how that can happen when you're around like hearted and like minded people.
I am a fighter. <<<must remember this often.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 12:48 PM
Originally Posted By: Ancaire
Rain - I'm here. This roller-coaster ride is awful, isn't it?
I know I want MY money back...I'll patiently wait until you can check in to let us know you're okay.
(((Rain)))
I know I want MY money back...I'll patiently wait until you can check in to let us know you're okay.
(((Rain)))
Thank you for the hug Ancaire. And yes, so awful. Sigh.
LOL let me know how getting that refund works and I'll do the same.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 12:49 PM
Hi Rain, I think your position on this is fair and reasonable and you were quite right to clearly set that boundary. Your XF wants to come back and sweep everything under the rug and you have been through too much pain to do that. Yes, you could have stated those boundaries more calmly, but it's a tough situation and we all learn for next time.
If someone is not yet married and there has been adultery, I would sometimes think - well just be glad you discovered this before marrying the guy/gal and walk away. But you guys are significantly entwined with a family together, so I wouldn't advocate doing that. I would give yourself some time to heal from this exchange and keep those boundaries cast iron strong - truly you don't want him back on those terms. I think a cheater needs to have been shaken to their very core at the potential loss of you, and be 'willing to do whatever it takes' to repair things. He's just not in that place right now.
Take care & glad to see so many posters offering support xx
If someone is not yet married and there has been adultery, I would sometimes think - well just be glad you discovered this before marrying the guy/gal and walk away. But you guys are significantly entwined with a family together, so I wouldn't advocate doing that. I would give yourself some time to heal from this exchange and keep those boundaries cast iron strong - truly you don't want him back on those terms. I think a cheater needs to have been shaken to their very core at the potential loss of you, and be 'willing to do whatever it takes' to repair things. He's just not in that place right now.
Take care & glad to see so many posters offering support xx
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 12:53 PM
((((((((Rain))))))))
How awful! I'm so sorry your heart has been broken all over again by XF's half hearted attempt at R. Well done for staying so strong, I too think you handled it brilliantly. I don't think you have heard the last from him though. I have a feeling he'll do something similar again. Stay strong, you deserve him to be true and transparent if you are ever to R.
How awful! I'm so sorry your heart has been broken all over again by XF's half hearted attempt at R. Well done for staying so strong, I too think you handled it brilliantly. I don't think you have heard the last from him though. I have a feeling he'll do something similar again. Stay strong, you deserve him to be true and transparent if you are ever to R.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 01:04 PM
Rain...yes, I'm still here. Did you see my previous post when I mentioned about asking for my other thread to be deleted? I just haven't started a new one yet.
Don't you ever think you are "not worthy of a cheater's love." I think that's the worst thing about having a cheating partner is the damage it does to your own sense of self. You are an amazing woman who loves him, supports him, and just wants him to be the best version of himself so you can have a healthy relationship together for the both of you and your children. You have taken his crap, yet you still see good in him and love him despite how much he has hurt you. It's easy to love someone who is good to you. It's a whole other ball of wax to continue loving and caring for someone who has hurt you. When you have seen both the best and the ugliest parts of another human being and still choose them anyway, that is real love, and it takes a special person to be able to do that.
Don't you ever think you are "not worthy of a cheater's love." I think that's the worst thing about having a cheating partner is the damage it does to your own sense of self. You are an amazing woman who loves him, supports him, and just wants him to be the best version of himself so you can have a healthy relationship together for the both of you and your children. You have taken his crap, yet you still see good in him and love him despite how much he has hurt you. It's easy to love someone who is good to you. It's a whole other ball of wax to continue loving and caring for someone who has hurt you. When you have seen both the best and the ugliest parts of another human being and still choose them anyway, that is real love, and it takes a special person to be able to do that.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 02:02 PM
Agreed. The lack of self confidence is normal, and a little can be good if it motivates you to grow from it...but don't think you're unworthy of love.
I'm not ready to date, but when that day comes I will be looking at people's character first and foremost. Not looks, not money, not 'baggage'...but whether they will be able to manage through a lifelong commitment. I'm simply not interested in investing in someone I don't have reason to believe will be there for the count. These days I don't think many women will pass that test, by doing that you are already in the top 5%. And the best part is that you will attract people that value those characteristics, so they will hopefully have them in return to you, so you don't have to go through this crap again.
I'm not ready to date, but when that day comes I will be looking at people's character first and foremost. Not looks, not money, not 'baggage'...but whether they will be able to manage through a lifelong commitment. I'm simply not interested in investing in someone I don't have reason to believe will be there for the count. These days I don't think many women will pass that test, by doing that you are already in the top 5%. And the best part is that you will attract people that value those characteristics, so they will hopefully have them in return to you, so you don't have to go through this crap again.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 04:38 PM
Originally Posted By: Sotto
Hi Rain, I think your position on this is fair and reasonable and you were quite right to clearly set that boundary. Your XF wants to come back and sweep everything under the rug and you have been through too much pain to do that. Yes, you could have stated those boundaries more calmly, but it's a tough situation and we all learn for next time.
If someone is not yet married and there has been adultery, I would sometimes think - well just be glad you discovered this before marrying the guy/gal and walk away. But you guys are significantly entwined with a family together, so I wouldn't advocate doing that. I would give yourself some time to heal from this exchange and keep those boundaries cast iron strong - truly you don't want him back on those terms. I think a cheater needs to have been shaken to their very core at the potential loss of you, and be 'willing to do whatever it takes' to repair things. He's just not in that place right now.
Take care & glad to see so many posters offering support xx
If someone is not yet married and there has been adultery, I would sometimes think - well just be glad you discovered this before marrying the guy/gal and walk away. But you guys are significantly entwined with a family together, so I wouldn't advocate doing that. I would give yourself some time to heal from this exchange and keep those boundaries cast iron strong - truly you don't want him back on those terms. I think a cheater needs to have been shaken to their very core at the potential loss of you, and be 'willing to do whatever it takes' to repair things. He's just not in that place right now.
Take care & glad to see so many posters offering support xx
Hi Sotto, thanks for stopping by Rains World.
I don't think I was asking for anything unreasonable either. Would you explain that to XF for me?
He is so far "there" which is why that exchange was horrible.
And yes, I am grateful for my BB friends. They're always here to listen to my crazy.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 04:41 PM
Originally Posted By: inpain
((((((((Rain))))))))
How awful! I'm so sorry your heart has been broken all over again by XF's half hearted attempt at R. Well done for staying so strong, I too think you handled it brilliantly. I don't think you have heard the last from him though. I have a feeling he'll do something similar again. Stay strong, you deserve him to be true and transparent if you are ever to R.
How awful! I'm so sorry your heart has been broken all over again by XF's half hearted attempt at R. Well done for staying so strong, I too think you handled it brilliantly. I don't think you have heard the last from him though. I have a feeling he'll do something similar again. Stay strong, you deserve him to be true and transparent if you are ever to R.
Thanks inpain....I started reading your thread earlier.
Yes it was hard but I just have to remember that accepting that and going through another A would be a lot harder.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 04:47 PM
Originally Posted By: annab74
Rain...yes, I'm still here. Did you see my previous post when I mentioned about asking for my other thread to be deleted? I just haven't started a new one yet.
Don't you ever think you are "not worthy of a cheater's love." I think that's the worst thing about having a cheating partner is the damage it does to your own sense of self. You are an amazing woman who loves him, supports him, and just wants him to be the best version of himself so you can have a healthy relationship together for the both of you and your children. You have taken his crap, yet you still see good in him and love him despite how much he has hurt you. It's easy to love someone who is good to you. It's a whole other ball of wax to continue loving and caring for someone who has hurt you. When you have seen both the best and the ugliest parts of another human being and still choose them anyway, that is real love, and it takes a special person to be able to do that.
Don't you ever think you are "not worthy of a cheater's love." I think that's the worst thing about having a cheating partner is the damage it does to your own sense of self. You are an amazing woman who loves him, supports him, and just wants him to be the best version of himself so you can have a healthy relationship together for the both of you and your children. You have taken his crap, yet you still see good in him and love him despite how much he has hurt you. It's easy to love someone who is good to you. It's a whole other ball of wax to continue loving and caring for someone who has hurt you. When you have seen both the best and the ugliest parts of another human being and still choose them anyway, that is real love, and it takes a special person to be able to do that.
Anna...yes I did see it. Just glad to see you didn't vanish on us.
And yes, what he did/is doing, has beaten me down big time. I know that I can come back from it though if I put the work in.
And Anna.....it's hard to feel sane when even after all he has done I still love him and see good in him. But that's true of all of us. You put it beautifully. In a way to feel proud that we have the character to still love them.
Thank you
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 04:52 PM
Originally Posted By: Zues126
Agreed. The lack of self confidence is normal, and a little can be good if it motivates you to grow from it...but don't think you're unworthy of love.
I'm not ready to date, but when that day comes I will be looking at people's character first and foremost. Not looks, not money, not 'baggage'...but whether they will be able to manage through a lifelong commitment. I'm simply not interested in investing in someone I don't have reason to believe will be there for the count. These days I don't think many women will pass that test, by doing that you are already in the top 5%. And the best part is that you will attract people that value those characteristics, so they will hopefully have them in return to you, so you don't have to go through this crap again.
I'm not ready to date, but when that day comes I will be looking at people's character first and foremost. Not looks, not money, not 'baggage'...but whether they will be able to manage through a lifelong commitment. I'm simply not interested in investing in someone I don't have reason to believe will be there for the count. These days I don't think many women will pass that test, by doing that you are already in the top 5%. And the best part is that you will attract people that value those characteristics, so they will hopefully have them in return to you, so you don't have to go through this crap again.
It's strange because on days that I'm more angry than sad and heartbroken I am 100% on the "he so does NOT deserve me!" train. I had a few of those days last week.
I hope you find someone wonderful when you're ready Zues. And from your lips to God's ears. I do not EVER want to go through this crap again.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 06:17 PM
So, 2 years ago I asked XF a few times to read the love languages book. This was before DR so I didn't know that I shouldn't have. Anyway, of course he said no. Eventually I stopped asking.
So we had the exchange yesterday and just now his ex sister in law sends me a screen shot saying words of affirmation are your love language and a text explaining that she had him answer the quiz questions when they spoke earlier.
So great, now I know his LL. Now. After we had the talk. Perfect timing.
So we had the exchange yesterday and just now his ex sister in law sends me a screen shot saying words of affirmation are your love language and a text explaining that she had him answer the quiz questions when they spoke earlier.
So great, now I know his LL. Now. After we had the talk. Perfect timing.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 06:57 PM
Sounds like XSIL is on your side. That's good!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 07:08 PM
Yep! She loves me. And his brother did the same thing to her go figure. And has spent the last 10 years regretting it and she won't give him the time of day.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 07:16 PM
Runs in families I guess.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 07:20 PM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
Runs in families I guess.
Your W too?
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 08:30 PM
No, I meant your H and his brother. Just tonight I was wishing I could be in touch with W's sister, but I guess that's not a good idea. I know she was rooting for our R, as were the SILs. When a r ends you lose the family, too. That's sad (sometimes). Still hoping mine's a temporary hiatus...
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/01/16 09:11 PM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
No, I meant your H and his brother. Just tonight I was wishing I could be in touch with W's sister, but I guess that's not a good idea. I know she was rooting for our R, as were the SILs. When a r ends you lose the family, too. That's sad (sometimes). Still hoping mine's a temporary hiatus...
Oh yes. They had a rough upbringing. Not justifying at all just a fact. Raised around adults that never showed them what love is or that family is important. D, As even abuse were common.
As for losing the family too. My family and I are not like that at all. If my brother or sister are in the wrong they get told just as much. And my mother is still friendly with exes of ours. It's quite funny actually. A few years ago my brother had to explain to his GF that the girl talking to and helping my mom cook was his ex, and she wasnt going anywhere. Awkward! LOL
And why do you think its a bad idea to talk to her sister? I talk to plenty of his friends and some of his family. Just not about this. (Except his XSIL plus I did talk too much to his friends and family during PA...now I know better)
Is that what you meant? Talking to her about your W and R?
And NYGal I pray this is a temporary hiatus for you too.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 07:23 AM
Yes, I just wanted to call her sister and ask what she thinks about all this. But that wouldn't help any of us. And it would be odd for me to call... We're not that close, although we've spent some fun times together.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 07:37 AM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
Yes, I just wanted to call her sister and ask what she thinks about all this. But that wouldn't help any of us. And it would be odd for me to call... We're not that close, although we've spent some fun times together.
Okay. So yes, maybe not a good idea. How have you been doing? I was catching up on inpain but ill be over to yours soon to see what's new.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 09:45 AM
So I had another talk with XF. Don't worry nothing like the last one. He gave me the update on his mom which, thankfully, is better than we were led to believe. So thank God for that.
Also, and this is where I was left a little angry, about his plans. How he is going to work on himself. He is actively seeking a new position in his field because he doesn't make enough. That he is looking to fix and reestablish his credit. And lastly he is going for a license to further his carreer and up his salary and he will be moving into a new place.
Why does this upset me?
He is suddenly obsessed with making money and if the last check of his transactions is the dictator...then its simply to be able to better finance his cam girls. (Ive stopped checking)
So this is his primary motivation with pissed me off. Also the license and the job change are things I've encouraged for years. As well as his credit, which I helped get off the ground by budgeting to an inch of crazy so that he could start paying debts. But he was always happy floating along.
And I begged for him to move. Never wanted to hear it. Now he is very excited about the idea. Really?? Now? Ugh
But....but, I said none of that to him. I just told him that it all sounds great and that I am confident he can do it all.
He asked me about my plans. I didn't say a word about my weightloss plan because it's none of his beeswax.
Almost told him that I have been looking at X city for a possible move. But he may have taken it as me baiting him to change his mind and "give in" to me...as in..well we will be moving unless you man up! And that isn't the case. It's a nice place, the cost of living is cheaper and I have a childhood friend there. (it's a she) And if he isn't going to be a steady and real part of the kids lives then I really don't see any positives for staying. Although I will try to give this time and see if he steps up for them.
And I ended up not telling him anything besides my writing again and asking him to please consider a firm schedule with the kids and remember to make time for them when he is juggling all of these balls in the air.
He took that as an attack. So ended up saying the kids are the most important thing to him and that he would like to see them but I can't control my mouth.
I SO wanted to tell him " well since you've given me a horrible offer of continued As which we both know I'd never accept you can see them every flipping day and I'll be OUT on the hunt for a faithful man!" lol
I didn't.
I just said. Well things are different now. You can see them here until you get your new place. I won't chase you out or argue. There no reason to.
He doesn't want to hear me. (mind reading? Yep...but I don't think I am wrong) he wants to keep it the way it is. Staying away makes chasing tail and hours with the cam girls very easy. Scheduled visits don't work well with that. Like, at all.
That's his choice. I extended the invitation for him to see them. Even when I'd rather not see him. It's all I can do.
Also, and this is where I was left a little angry, about his plans. How he is going to work on himself. He is actively seeking a new position in his field because he doesn't make enough. That he is looking to fix and reestablish his credit. And lastly he is going for a license to further his carreer and up his salary and he will be moving into a new place.
Why does this upset me?
He is suddenly obsessed with making money and if the last check of his transactions is the dictator...then its simply to be able to better finance his cam girls. (Ive stopped checking)
So this is his primary motivation with pissed me off. Also the license and the job change are things I've encouraged for years. As well as his credit, which I helped get off the ground by budgeting to an inch of crazy so that he could start paying debts. But he was always happy floating along.
And I begged for him to move. Never wanted to hear it. Now he is very excited about the idea. Really?? Now? Ugh
But....but, I said none of that to him. I just told him that it all sounds great and that I am confident he can do it all.
He asked me about my plans. I didn't say a word about my weightloss plan because it's none of his beeswax.
Almost told him that I have been looking at X city for a possible move. But he may have taken it as me baiting him to change his mind and "give in" to me...as in..well we will be moving unless you man up! And that isn't the case. It's a nice place, the cost of living is cheaper and I have a childhood friend there. (it's a she) And if he isn't going to be a steady and real part of the kids lives then I really don't see any positives for staying. Although I will try to give this time and see if he steps up for them.
And I ended up not telling him anything besides my writing again and asking him to please consider a firm schedule with the kids and remember to make time for them when he is juggling all of these balls in the air.
He took that as an attack. So ended up saying the kids are the most important thing to him and that he would like to see them but I can't control my mouth.
I SO wanted to tell him " well since you've given me a horrible offer of continued As which we both know I'd never accept you can see them every flipping day and I'll be OUT on the hunt for a faithful man!" lol
I didn't.
I just said. Well things are different now. You can see them here until you get your new place. I won't chase you out or argue. There no reason to.
He doesn't want to hear me. (mind reading? Yep...but I don't think I am wrong) he wants to keep it the way it is. Staying away makes chasing tail and hours with the cam girls very easy. Scheduled visits don't work well with that. Like, at all.
That's his choice. I extended the invitation for him to see them. Even when I'd rather not see him. It's all I can do.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 10:36 AM
Rain...I think your response to him was spot on, yet again! But if only we could say the things we are really thinking, huh?
Glad his mother isn't doing as badly as you thought. I'm sure that is a relief for both of you.
Glad his mother isn't doing as badly as you thought. I'm sure that is a relief for both of you.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 10:46 AM
Thanks Anna. It really is. Im glad she has a chance and that she is doing as badly as we thought.
And we can say them but like Zues said...only in our own minds. LOL
He just did something that shows how sneaky he is and also by doing it he's found a way around my phone call block. Hmmmm
And we can say them but like Zues said...only in our own minds. LOL
He just did something that shows how sneaky he is and also by doing it he's found a way around my phone call block. Hmmmm
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 11:15 AM
So anyone that has an Android phone should know what I'm talking about. There is an App that lets you get and receive texts and video calls. They do not show up anywhere but in the app. (unless you want them to)
XF started using this app right around the time he started with the cam girls. He constantly had messages coming in. I said something about it. We argued. Then I downloaded it and sent him a message. Yes, because I am SO very mature.
He never responded because you can also see when people are on or last used the app. And he said he never uses it. Anyway, fast forward to a little while ago and I get an incoming video call from him on the app. LOL
I guess his desire to see when and if Rain is on the app is stronger than his desire for me to know the same.
But now I won't look and he will be looking but he is the only person I ever used it for.
But yes, now he used it once to talk to the kids. And called back as I was writing this. I put the camera on the kids and he said hi again and said...no mommy I'm calling for you. I cut that video chat short and quick!
But am very glad I look cute. LOL
XF started using this app right around the time he started with the cam girls. He constantly had messages coming in. I said something about it. We argued. Then I downloaded it and sent him a message. Yes, because I am SO very mature.
He never responded because you can also see when people are on or last used the app. And he said he never uses it. Anyway, fast forward to a little while ago and I get an incoming video call from him on the app. LOL
I guess his desire to see when and if Rain is on the app is stronger than his desire for me to know the same.
But now I won't look and he will be looking but he is the only person I ever used it for.
But yes, now he used it once to talk to the kids. And called back as I was writing this. I put the camera on the kids and he said hi again and said...no mommy I'm calling for you. I cut that video chat short and quick!
But am very glad I look cute. LOL
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 01:03 PM
Hi Rain. IMHO XF can't let you go. I know you are both aggravating each other right now. Can you find a way to have a more productive conversation with him? Or just listen to him with an open heart? I don't mean put up with the b.s.
This is from the book I'm reading:
"Differentiation is achieved by learning to separate what you think from what you feel—and by learning to be yourself while respecting other people’s right to be themselves. "
And this:
"Misunderstanding is perpetuated when each one broods over the awful things the other one does and one or both of them eventually finds someone else to complain to." That's what my W did with ow.
I don't know... I'm just trying to learn how to be a better listener so we can find common ground. I wish W would badger me like XF is badgering you! The silence here is deafening.
This is from the book I'm reading:
"Differentiation is achieved by learning to separate what you think from what you feel—and by learning to be yourself while respecting other people’s right to be themselves. "
And this:
"Misunderstanding is perpetuated when each one broods over the awful things the other one does and one or both of them eventually finds someone else to complain to." That's what my W did with ow.
I don't know... I'm just trying to learn how to be a better listener so we can find common ground. I wish W would badger me like XF is badgering you! The silence here is deafening.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 01:47 PM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
"Differentiation is achieved by learning to separate what you think from what you feel—and by learning to be yourself while respecting other people’s right to be themselves. "
And this:
"Misunderstanding is perpetuated when each one broods over the awful things the other one does and one or both of them eventually finds someone else to complain to." That's what my W did with ow.
I don't know... I'm just trying to learn how to be a better listener so we can find common ground. I wish W would badger me like XF is badgering you! The silence here is deafening.
And this:
"Misunderstanding is perpetuated when each one broods over the awful things the other one does and one or both of them eventually finds someone else to complain to." That's what my W did with ow.
I don't know... I'm just trying to learn how to be a better listener so we can find common ground. I wish W would badger me like XF is badgering you! The silence here is deafening.
Those are insightful. Thanks NYGal. And it seems as if he is badgering me but I have had many hours even days of silence. Especially during PA.
But I'm sad that you're feeling blue NYG. You're somehwere in the middle right now. Some here have a lot or too much communication (negative most times)..and some none at all. You have some interaction and they all seem to be positive.
Divorce Remedy says to look for and celebrate the baby steps. I really have to re-read it, now, from this new place.
I know that you're still reading, feel free to share any other nuggets you find.
Next snow day MB, Anna, inpain and I will swing by with some takeout, wine and movies.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 01:52 PM
"Facing encounters that raise your anxiety tests your maturity, strengthens you if you have the courage to stand fast and let matters unfold, or weakens you if you fall back into reactivity and defensiveness. Making contact, letting others be themselves while you continue to be yourself, and learning to resist automatic reactions strengthens you and transforms your relationships. Staying open and staying calm—that’s the hardest part. You do the best you can."
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 01:52 PM
Just made popcorn. Wish you all were here...
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 01:53 PM
I'm so tempted to contact her. But you are keeping me strong.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 02:08 PM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
"Facing encounters that raise your anxiety tests your maturity, strengthens you if you have the courage to stand fast and let matters unfold, or weakens you if you fall back into reactivity and defensiveness. Making contact, letting others be themselves while you continue to be yourself, and learning to resist automatic reactions strengthens you and transforms your relationships. Staying open and staying calm—that’s the hardest part. You do the best you can."
This sounds a lot like Zues. Reading it does make me feel like I haven't been strong enough to let him be himself and let events unfold organically. That doesn't make me look or feel very good. And staying calm aka STFU.
P.S. I like dry ranch or Old Bay on my popcorn.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 02:14 PM
I like seasoned salt and nutritional yeast and sometimes tamari or Tabasco!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 02:16 PM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
I'm so tempted to contact her. But you are keeping me strong.
Oh NYGal...((((((NYG)))))), today is really hard for you and I'm sorry. I can only tell you what I'm sure you've read here many times. The first time I found out about his A I wish so badly that I would have left him then and gone dark. Why? Well, not only because I did everything wrong. Every-thing!
But also because now I see how even if it doesn't change their mind or bring them running home, us being dark and GALing makes them uncomfortable and curious (and suddenly ow is on the back burner even if a little which won't make her happy) and I didn't use that to my advantage when it may have mattered most. When it could have saved me from him dragging the A on for so long.
With that said. I hope that you try and not contact W today.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 02:17 PM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
I like seasoned salt and nutritional yeast and sometimes tamari or Tabasco!
We can share the seasoned salt and Tabasco popcorn tubs.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 02:19 PM
^^^^ on the next snow day!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 02:25 PM
Originally Posted By: Rain75
Divorce Remedy says to look for and celebrate the baby steps. I really have to re-read it, now, from this new place.
I think that's a good idea Rain. I think we should all re read when there is a shift in our situations of some sort.
Originally Posted By: Rain75
Next snow day MB, Anna, inpain and I will swing by with some takeout, wine and movies.
That sounds fabulous, looking forward to it!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 02:25 PM
I won't contact her, Rain. I re-read the notes from my DB coach and she said NC works best in the early days. So I'm trying. I also think there's a point when an out of the blue communication might shake things up. But my timing tends not to be great. I promise, NC one day at a time.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 02:26 PM
Inpain, I have to confess I never finished it. I got stuck on the affair chapter and the last resort.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 02:33 PM
I've read it several times over, both times H left. Haven't read it since before Christmas though so maybe it's time to dust it off and have another look. Always seem to see something different each time.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 02:35 PM
Good plan. I'm still reading The Lost Art of Listening and I'm learning a lot.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 02:53 PM
Hello Inpain...glad to know you're in for our next ladies night which the lovely NYGal is hosting.
And NYGal....since this is the DR/DB BB so we should all promise to re-read it soon. I too went to the affair part of the book first before starting at the beginning But now in my new situation I think it will be good for me to read it. Like Inpain said it did for her maybe we will find new things.
I need to stop thinking about XF (though it is SO hard). I need me some 180s and GALing and goals in my life yo! LOL
And the holy grail: detachment.
And NYGal....since this is the DR/DB BB so we should all promise to re-read it soon. I too went to the affair part of the book first before starting at the beginning But now in my new situation I think it will be good for me to read it. Like Inpain said it did for her maybe we will find new things.
I need to stop thinking about XF (though it is SO hard). I need me some 180s and GALing and goals in my life yo! LOL
And the holy grail: detachment.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 03:03 PM
The first step to healing a ruptured relationship is to understand the other person’s point of view.Try to figure out what that person might be feeling and then say it in a way that invites her to elaborate. Until you acknowledge the other person’s position, she is unlikely to be open to yours. She may listen, but she won’t hear.When you demonstrate a willingness to listen with a minimum of defensiveness, criticism, or impatience, you are giving the gift of understanding—and earning the right to have it reciprocated.from The Lost Art of Listening.
The waywards should read this too. Oh I guess I'm not detaching yet...!!!!
The waywards should read this too. Oh I guess I'm not detaching yet...!!!!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 04:06 PM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
The first step to healing a ruptured relationship is to understand the other person’s point of view.Try to figure out what that person might be feeling and then say it in a way that invites her to elaborate. Until you acknowledge the other person’s position, she is unlikely to be open to yours. She may listen, but she won’t hear.When you demonstrate a willingness to listen with a minimum of defensiveness, criticism, or impatience, you are giving the gift of understanding—and earning the right to have it reciprocated.from The Lost Art of Listening.
The waywards should read this too. Oh I guess I'm not detaching yet...!!!!
The waywards should read this too. Oh I guess I'm not detaching yet...!!!!
Ugh. You reading that book is making ME feel badly!
I have never been able to do this effectively. I can see his POV but I am overwhelmed by my feelings and all hell breaks loose.
We will detach. We will!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 07:31 PM
Nooooooooooooo, don't you feel badly. Use it or don't. Use it with him or with someone else. Or not.
Heck, I'm sure we could all be better at listening and (not) arguing. I just talked about all this with my IC and she reminds me to practice on friends. That's easier.
Heck, I'm sure we could all be better at listening and (not) arguing. I just talked about all this with my IC and she reminds me to practice on friends. That's easier.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/02/16 08:49 PM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
Nooooooooooooo, don't you feel badly. Use it or don't. Use it with him or with someone else. Or not.
Heck, I'm sure we could all be better at listening and (not) arguing. I just talked about all this with my IC and she reminds me to practice on friends. That's easier.
Heck, I'm sure we could all be better at listening and (not) arguing. I just talked about all this with my IC and she reminds me to practice on friends. That's easier.
That's a good idea. Using it on friends. I'll do that. Thanks
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/03/16 01:24 AM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
I wish W would badger me like XF is badgering you! The silence here is deafening.
I also wish my H would continually try to communicate with me too. The silence here is also deafening.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/03/16 01:34 AM
....and, I've been mostly NC (except for 1 hour) for over a month and he really just doesn't seem to care at all. And, during that one hour, not only did he not seem to care, he didn't want me around. Very frustrating. The NC worked once, don't really see that it's going to work a second time.
I really wish some of the vets on this forum would help me out and give me some words of wisdom, or guidance, or something.
I really wish some of the vets on this forum would help me out and give me some words of wisdom, or guidance, or something.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/03/16 02:20 AM
Originally Posted By: Rain75
So I had another talk with XF. Don't worry nothing like the last one. He gave me the update on his mom which, thankfully, is better than we were led to believe. So thank God for that.
VERY glad to hear that she's doing better! That's great news.
Originally Posted By: Rain75
Also, and this is where I was left a little angry, about his plans. How he is going to work on himself... Why does this upset me?
He is suddenly obsessed with making money.....
So this is his primary motivation with pissed me off. Also the license and the job change are things I've encouraged for years. As well as his credit, which I helped get off the ground by budgeting to an inch of crazy so that he could start paying debts. But he was always happy floating along. And I begged for him to move. Never wanted to hear it. Now he is very excited about the idea. Really?? Now? Ugh
He is suddenly obsessed with making money.....
So this is his primary motivation with pissed me off. Also the license and the job change are things I've encouraged for years. As well as his credit, which I helped get off the ground by budgeting to an inch of crazy so that he could start paying debts. But he was always happy floating along. And I begged for him to move. Never wanted to hear it. Now he is very excited about the idea. Really?? Now? Ugh
Rain, CAREFUL about the mind reading here. Just to give you a different perspective....
When I origionally separated from my H, he began picking up after himself and even cleaning his house. I'm talking about scrubbing things and CLEANING! When I lived there, he wouldn't even pick up after himself and certainly NEVER cleaned anything ever. He was so proud of himself for washing the dishes, cleaning the shower/bathtub, doing his laundry, etc. There were things that I had asked him to do and he never would. Well, suddenly he was expecting that after I was gone and it didn't matter, that I would be so excited that he was doing those things for himself even though he wouldn't do them for ME. I told him exactly what I thought about it too. I was MAD! How dare he think I was going to be happy about that. It felt like a slap in my face. After I told him what I thought, he stopped doing it. I completely deflated him. Really. Hurt his feelings. What I didn't understand was that in his own way, he WAS doing it for me. He was trying to get my praise and attention. He was trying to become more attractive to ME. And, instead of thinking he was awesome, I smacked him down and hurt his feelings. I showed him!!!
On a separate occasion.....2 years later he was looking for a new vehicle. I got so tired of looking at new cars for him when I couldn't even hardly manage to pay my bills. One day we were at a dealership and I sat in this car that I loved. Had wanted one for a long time. I even declared to him that one day, I was going to have a car just like that one. Well, a few months later he called me and asked me to come outside to see his new car. Guess what he bought. Yep, that's right. He bought MY car! The car that I wanted. He didn't even like the car when I showed it to him. And, suddenly, there he was with MY car. UGH! And, I guess he thought I was going to be happy to see him driving around in my dream car all the time?? What is wrong with him? I was mad about it every single time I got in that freaking car. He really acted like he liked that car more than he liked me. And, it bothered me a lot. Until, one day I finally wasn't mad anymore. He never accepted that I wasn't mad though. He had the car until about 2 weeks after BD. Then, he traded it in for something COMPLETELY different. Like the complete opposite of that vehicle. I really couldn't understand why in the world he traded it for the new vehicle that he got. Well, not until I saw ow's vehicle. That's when I understood how unfair I had been and how I had hurt him again. He got that car because it's what *I* liked. When he traded it after BD, it was because he traded it for a vehicle just like ow's, because that is what *she* liked. He kept telling me that he got that car because he thought it would make me happy and couldn't understand why I was so mad about it. I thought he was lying and just trying to rub it in my face that he had more money than me. Again, I showed him, right?
It's SO EASY to think you're a good mind reader, but later you may find that they have completely different intentions than what you're thinking. It really made me wonder how many times did I think I knew what he was thinking and why he did something, and I was wrong all along. How many times did he try to get me to come back, only to be met by anger from me. No wonder he finally gave up! If I had known back then what was going on, I would have reacted so differently than I did, and our separation might have been very short lived.
I don't know if that's the case with your XF, but it's food for thought anyway. I mean, what if he's doing all of that BECAUSE IT'S EXACTLY THE THINGS THAT YOU WANTED FROM HIM and he's doing it for YOU instead of doing it to get more $ for cam girls like you assume. He may just be trying to be more attractive to you in the only way he knows how....by doing what he's heard you say you wanted over and over and over again. Just a thought.
Originally Posted By: Rain75
.... asking him to please consider a firm schedule with the kids and remember to make time for them when he is juggling all of these balls in the air.
He took that as an attack. So ended up saying the kids are the most important thing to him and that he would like to see them but I can't control my mouth.
I just said. Well things are different now. You can see them here until you get your new place. I won't chase you out or argue. There no reason to.
He took that as an attack. So ended up saying the kids are the most important thing to him and that he would like to see them but I can't control my mouth.
I just said. Well things are different now. You can see them here until you get your new place. I won't chase you out or argue. There no reason to.
? Did he take it as an attack because he's trying to do what you asked him to do in the past, but now all he hears is "That's not good enough" coming from you? That's what my H always used to say to me. I kept insisting that I never told him that, but I didn't, at the time, understand what he was talking about.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm NOT a huge fan of the way XF is treating you and hurting you, but on the other hand, if he's who you want to be with, then I would hate for a complete misunderstanding (mind reading) to come between you guys and push you farther apart. Of course, I could also be completely wrong about him and he may be trying to get money for cam girls.
Sorry, guess I got long winded again.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3 - 02/03/16 08:21 AM
New thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2649684&#Post2649684
MB...long winded is ALAWAYS welcome here. And I can see what you're saying about your H. He may have done those things for you, to get your praise and show you that he listens to you and loves you. Your reaction sounds a lot like me...sigh...maybe thats why we're friends. Birds of a feather and all that.
My XF? No. Just. No. I may have (definitely have) handled everything wrong. But my gut has been pretty accurate on all of the BS he has done all along. I wish it wasn't.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2649684&#Post2649684
MB...long winded is ALAWAYS welcome here. And I can see what you're saying about your H. He may have done those things for you, to get your praise and show you that he listens to you and loves you. Your reaction sounds a lot like me...sigh...maybe thats why we're friends. Birds of a feather and all that.
My XF? No. Just. No. I may have (definitely have) handled everything wrong. But my gut has been pretty accurate on all of the BS he has done all along. I wish it wasn't.