I've been fairly quiet on the outside. My brain is moving right along, though. I toyed with the idea of sending a letter to H pointing out "my side" - the answer to his list of accusations.
Now first, I wouldn't have sent it without posting here, first, promise. But something else that is new, is that I wrote it out, stewed on it, prayed about it, and let it sit for a day or two while doing nothing about it at all.
I can answer my own question. This is huge! No - the letter helped me. H could care less. That's the entire reason he's leaving - he could care less right now. If he were using his brain, he would already know my POV - but his brain isn't leading the show at the moment. No. No letter to H.
A new, quieter, more reflective Ancaire is beginning to emerge. A thoughtful Ancaire, deliberate and steady. I see progress! Am I happy? In certain aspects, yes.
What I like about the newer Ancaire is that I still have the friendliness, heart, and compassion of the old - but I've got new skills now, as well as a heaping helping of maturity.
It's rare that I actually see progress in myself - but I'm more aware than I've ever been in the past. I'm working on it, and looking for results.
A lot of the deep thinking I've been doing has really helped me resolve some old issues - I've been able to let some things go, just gone...no use thinking of them, unless it's to help someone else. There's definitely less clutter inside taking up emotional space.
So maybe this post is one of achievement. My new way of thinking is settling in - and I'm beginning to not only feel, but also see the difference.
So how am I feeling? Quietly hopeful for better things in the future.
That's the best I can do right now - and honestly, it seems like plenty.
What a wonderful insight. You have broken some bad habits and you're treating yourself better. You deserve it. Great news
This is a wonderful update! I can relate to how you feel.
That's the beauty of DB'ing to me - if you follow the program, you win even if you lose.
Ancaire, from your very first posts I have been impressed with you, and you just keep getting better. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, you are so strong and honest and real.
You've made it near 150 days! Hooray! It isn't easy from here, but it's doable, and it's not impossible like the first 90 days are (sorry newcomers!)
You're right. It's amazing the skills you pick up. I posted on my thread a few weeks ago about handling XW's text about divorce...I felt like she punched me in the stomach and hurt her hand because I've been working out every day and my abs are like steel (metaphorically...my actual abs are like steel, heated to 1200 degrees...). It feels so good. Ha ha!
As I've said this is the stage of imaginary conversations. Really wishing you could share your feelings and thoughts with WAS. It IS really healthy to do and say all of those things. The funny part is after writing all of that out you see it doesn't define you. Those thoughts just reflect your feelings which reflect the pain of the loss. They aren't YOU. You are in the middle, the eternal spirit, that is always at peace, content, and full of joy. When you can validate your feelings and still connect with your highest self, your choices become better and better, and soon reality changes around you, and the feelings follow too.
I'm so excited for this leg of your journey! Great job!
"Stage of imaginary conversations"...
I absolutely love that! I'm still in that stage too ancaire, but we started around same time. Im actually getting through periods of time when I'm busy at work or with friends when im not thinking of husband. That feels good.
Judy, You're sounding great! I love how calm and assured you've been sounding lately. And I lurvve your input on Fo's girl thread.
I'm glad that you are at a better place with this. I hope to follow you there!
Ancaire,
Never underestimate the value of self improvement. It's often the hardest stuff to work on, and the hardest stuff to objectively evaluate. From what you are saying, it looks like this isn't a little change, but a huge shift. I am so happy for your growth in these hard times.
But one question remains - what can you do to help yourself continue to grow, keep yourself from slipping into old habits?
Ancaire you are an inspiration for all of us. Throughout your posts we have seen you blossoming. You never gave up and always looked positively. Your last few posts show serenity, love and compassion for all of us.
You are a great lady :-)
This is a lovely calm energy phase, a great phase for healing Anc.
Enjoy every second, be at peace and take extreme care of Anc.
Serenity is important in life. Sense how it is as a state and the things you are doing to achieve that state. Feel it in your body and embrace.
V
"The stage of imaginary conversations" - I love this! I really hope no one drives past my house while I am animatedly conversing with H and sharing all of my feelings with him...while he is not there. I talk with my hands a lot. It might scare them, LOL.
Ancaire, it is really great to watch your growth as you tackle each phase of this emotional journey. Your sharing of your thoughts and what you take from each interaction with those on these boards and IRL is helpful and inspiring. Thank you for letting us walk with you and learn alongside you!
Having a wee bit of trouble staying calm today. Court is tomorrow. My L says that all we're going to do is hear what the prosecutor's first offer is, and we'll go from there.
For some reason, I thought they worked all these things out ahead of time. Ugh! Both my daughters are going to meet me there so I don't have to do it by myself again. That is some comfort.
I'm not counting on much sleep tonight.
H is being nasty about the settlement. We were trying to work it out without a mediator, but the way he's going, I don't see it happening. Independent of what ALL my doctors say, H has decided I'm not sick and can work full time.
I even have a letter from my doctor saying I'm restricted to part-time! He is being so nasty and insulting. I'm not responding in any way, shape, or form - other than being completely business-like through my L.
I'm beginning to hate him more and more. Maybe this is good for now? I see so little of my old H in this new version...it really makes it easy to walk away. I hate to think being married to me did this to him. He seems to think so. He admits I'm nice and kind, but some of the things he spews at me are just the opposite.
MLC spew? MLC confusion? MLC justification?
I don't know. I do know it's really hard.
Sorry that you are having a bad day. On court, at least you will know something tomorrow. And you don't have to decide on anything. So it may be a good day in that aspect.
I'm thinking about ya. You will be ok!
Sweetheart, not all bad behaviour by our WH has an explanation. It just is and makes sense to him.
I will be there with you tomorrow with all my rainbow strength if you want it. I am calm and breathe well so this will help keep you calm.
Whatever happens you have my full support. Let's get this behind you and the unknown known.
Big big hugs
V
Anc, wishing you some peace and sleep tonight. You need your wits about you for tomorrow ! I am so glad you have the support of your children. It doesn't matter what H thinks, everyone but him knows that!
You know the truth as well as everyone else but your H. Sometimes I feel that them being aggressive is a way to protect them from the hurt they have caused because deep down, they know how wrong they are.
It's great news that you will have the support of your kids. I'll be with you in spirit.
Take care and I hope you can get some rest tonight.
Oh ((((((Ancaire))))))) I hope you manage to get a little rest tonight. Thank goodness your children are going to be there for you tomorrow. I'll be thinking about you and hoping it goes well.
Thank you so much, everyone! I really appreciate it.
V - send some colored beams my way - I am open and ready...could really use them. My L is calling me tonight to prepare me a bit more, but he's telling me to not worry at all. These kinds of cases are where he shines...and he calls me "Sweet Judy"...the man truly likes me, so that helps!
Yeah - even Lawyers look like babies these days...
We are wishing the best of luck to you tomorow judy!!!
Ancaire, I'm wishing you strength and serenity for your meeting tomorrow. I hope you get a good night's rest tonight!
Wishing all good things tomorrow. I think I can speak for us all when I say we will be there with you in spirit.
You are so much stronger than even you realize. At your lowest point you still made great strides to write long and thoughtful comments to other peoples threads. It's obvious your calling has to do with helping other people, so I want to echo what either Rouky or Fo said on the Girl Talk thread: Start a blog where you help navigate the jungle of make up and skin care products. People could write you with questions and if you put the same amount of effort into replying them as you do on this board, you would soon gain a cult following.
You could make youtube videos with how tos and product reviews. I think you'd be great at it.
Ok, veered off track there. But please do consider it.
Good luck tomorrow. Can't wait to hear your victory update.
Thank you for taking 5he time to check on me. It means a lot to me. Especially knowing that you have a big day tomorrow.
Hoping for the best.
Dday
My dear Ancaire, my hope is that tomorrow will be the day you have been hoping it would be. I have a good feeling about you and the outcome of the court case. Have a nice cup of herbal tea and relax, read a book in bed until you fall asleep. Everything will be alright. Be well dear friend
P.S. Please post the outcome as soon as you can, your fan club will be waiting
Ancaire
I wish you the very best and hope you get the outcome that you deserve
Love
Ghost
I know I am new here, but I truly hope it goes well for you today. Sending positive thoughts your way.
Just to add my voice .... Positive thoughts heading your way. Rd
Hi Judy, do update us! Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way!
Hi guys! Today is a great day. Went to court bright and early - I didn't even have to talk or get up today. My L tells me the DA is already talking about dropping the charge on me from a felony to a misdemeanor!!!
So, there is a bit of negotiating to do. Then I go back to court on February 10th for the final ruling. After that, they're going to get me into a program that runs for six months - at the end, I'll be able to get all the charges expunged!!!
One of my daughters was with me. She is so thrilled and relieved. I should have realized how frightened my children are - one more big X against STBXH. His little divorce game really hurt the kids even more than they were already hurting. She was texting them all while we were leaving the courthouse. LOL
Thank you so much for the prayers and good wishes. You were obviously heard.
Awesome. You deserve a break. And, you know where you stand now. Glad you had your daughter with you too. That always helps. Rest and enjoy your day!
So happy for you. Deep down I knew someone was watching over you. You are doing so much for all of us here, than he couldn't show kindness and love to you.
Have a good night sleep :-)
That's amazing. But not surprising. YAY!
Great news Judy! I am so happy for you!
Oh that is fantastic Ancaire! Woohoo!! So, so pleased for you!
Awesome news. Every day is a new day Judy!
That is wonderful judy!!!!
Thank you again for all your help this month, despite all the other crap you've got on your plate.
Doing my Minion Happy Dance Ancaire! X's and O's JellyBxxx
awesome news! Always stay positive no matter the situation. Prophesy your own future and see it unfold.
Hi Anc great news today ...sending love from across the pond x
That is great news! I was thinking about you this morning before I went to bed and was wondering how you were doing. Glad to find out that everything is going to be okay. You certainly deserve some compassion and mercy from the court since your H can't seem to give you any. So very happy for you!
That's really great news Anc.
V
So glad to hear this news
Do a happy dance and keep up your good work. Now you have a great reason to GAL, don't you think?
Now you have a great reason to GAL, don't you think?
Loving this way of thinking!
Hi, checking in. How are you?
Judy, hope you are having so much fun that you have no time to be here!
Much love and thoughts for you!
Hi Judy
Hope your absence means you're just busy enjoying life and your grand baby.
We miss you. Hope you are well.
Judy I need your eyebrow advice. LOL. Been watching the Lisa Eldridge videos they help! Thank you! Miss you!
Judy, hope you are spoiling that baby!
Be well
Hi guys! I'm so happy to see all of you.
My silence wasn't good, I'm sorry to say. I think the entire situation with the court case had kept me so distracted by being worried about my future, that I never really processed what led to me having a court case to begin with: H and his betrayals.
The weirdest thing happened. After I found out I'll likely be okay, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks - my beloved H had cheated on me. He's treated me cruely and with contempt. He's walked out on our family.
The reality just slammed into me - I'll never, ever be the same again. I've been crying on and off for days, and sick with it, too. I was doing so very well, so it's something of a disappointment to be struggling so much again.
I don't know if struggling is the right word - "crying" is definitely the right one. I am so hurt and broken inside. H's betrayal, my own bad decisions and actions, it's all just so painful. He really hurt me. I trusted him to never hurt me, and he's hurt me on so many levels, I'm reeling now.
I'm a bit calmer today - but so very sad. I think I was just so distracted by everything else, I never really had a chance to process the pain that led to me losing my head to begin with - after the event, it was all about trying to recover from my reaction - never what
led to the reaction.
H has been very strange lately, being upset with me for not saying "hi" when I see him and being upset with me for not being friendly. He had the nerve to threaten me with moving back home on Friday, because he's unhappy with where the support agreement is heading.
I told him there was no way I would allow him to move back home in order to punish me. I told him that his attitude was not in any way in the right place for that to even happen, ever. What I didn't tell him was how much it killed me inside to have him threaten me with what I want most in the world as a punishment.
He spent all day Saturday here, too. Our eldest son and his wife were coming over for a while with grandbaby, which I was really looking forward to. I wasn't expecting H to show up and stay, and there was no real way to throw him out without upsetting the kids.
He invited me to dinner with all of them. I declined, saying it would be too weird. What game is he playing? I was supposed to go out and play "happy family"? To what purpose? I just don't understand him at all anymore. How can you hate me one minute, be mad at me for not being friendly the next, inviting me out to a family dinner, and then ignoring me for days?
Is it MLC confusion? Is it game-playing to the nth degree? I don't know for sure. I just know it's knocking me off-center and keeping me so very confused and unhappy. I hope this week is a better week. Hopefully, I've got the majority of the mourning behind me for now. I feel so empty inside...so disappointing because I was feeling so hopeful.
Ancaire, we are just happy to have you back. You were missed! Slow and easy miss thang xxx Jelly xxx
Judy it's so good to see you back on here! I was getting worried.
I was thinking you got through the pain of all of this pretty quickly. It does help to have a distraction! I'm so sorry that everything came crashing down on you after you had your court date. Not fair, get good news, then heartache. Of course none of this is fair. You did get to see your grand baby though! How old is he/she?
The next time you feel so down, lonely, sad, etc...come here and talk to us. We will talk to you and help you through it. That's what we're here for!!! We all help and lean on each other. You don't have to do this alone.
As for your H, when I read what you posted it sounded like he was just making excuses to be with you and your family. Like he misses being around. It also sounded a bit like he felt you pulling away and needed to reel you back in so he can keep you safely in your little box and not get too far away from him. You've been ignoring him and not playing the desperate jilted wife roll well enough, so he wanted to make sure you didn't get strong enough to walk away from him. He needs to keep you there for plan B in case he runs out of OW. What a jerk and a cake eater! I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself and telling him there's no way he can move back in just to punish you. He was probably thinking he would say that to you and you were going to either be glad to have him back, or cower down and let him run all over you. I guarantee he wasn't thinking you'd stand up for yourself and tell him no way. Kudos to you!!! You are still that strong woman you were a week ago, you just haven't gotten completely off the roller coaster ride yet. You will get there though, and this will pass.
I'm here for you any time you need me. You just have to reach out and write something. And, if you really really need something, I remember where you live and I'm not that far away. Keep your chin up, it will get better. (((((((Judy)))))))
Hey, H's OW is here right now. WooHoo!!! Maybe I could just lay down in the bed of her truck and I could just stow away and she'll drive me right to you. LOL
Btw...in case anyone didn't get that, it was complete sarcasm just to make Judy smile.
Glad to have you back! Sorry to hear that you've been down.
You're a strong woman, and you're still sounding strong. Hang in there!
My darling this is about control, getting control back.
I am sad to say that it's not you Anc or a proper M, it's the control he had over Anc, his home and his family.
He wants his crazy loco script of a happy ending with his OW and 100% of the assets and his W penniless and in jail and then at his mums.
He wants his image as a good man, he wants his kids to hate their mum, he wants control, and all things his way.
Don't fall for it, it's not about you.
I understand the sadness, please pour it out, feel it, acknowledge the confusion.
Next comes the anger, enjoy that.
This is the road to freedom, it's the Kubler Ross grief cycle.
Ton of big hugs
V
Sorry that's her mums not his!
V
Ancaire, I am just catching up. Great news about court! That disaster will finally be behind. you. As for the emotional roller coaster. Trust me--I know. Everyone keeps telling me that when it is all over I will be so much better, but right now the limbo, the games, and the hold he still has over me due to the money and kids, and the molasses speed in which this broken system seems to move makes it really hard to trust that I am actually going to make it to the other side.
Faith is all we have, and when that is faltering the best we can do is just count our current blessings to try and move forward. We now have awareness. We now have started to get pieces of ourselves back that we lost to our narcissistic H's. I'm alive--more alive then I have been in years, and that is good. I liked the security that I used to have when I was in denial--because right now I am so sad, scared, and angry--but I like the sense of self that is starting to reawaken. I will never give that up to anyone ever again.
Sending you love Ancaire, be well
Judy, I'm so sorry you've had a rough time and dealt with this pain.
I know your H has been extra difficult to deal with, but is there a way you can just be polite to him when there's nothing special going on? Not saying hi gives him more power than he should have, I feel.
I was wondering about these charges against you - did you ever get a doctor's statement about the interactions of medications to help them understand that this was not something you could have predicted or expected to happen?
I am so sorry that things are difficult.
Anc. Sorry that you have been down. Just remember that there are many people that care for you, and are pulling for you. You are an awesome lady! I truly hope that things will turn around for you soon.
Be well
Judy, If you're reading this, come back and talk to us. We can help you! There are lots of people on here to talk to and get advice from. Sometimes just hearing other's thoughts and opinions helps you come up with a plan and once you get a plan and something to work towards, it helps to make you feel better.
I hope you're doing okay. We sure do miss your words of wisdom and really want to help you like you've helped so many others.
........and, I'm not kidding about coming down there if you need me! All you have to do is say the word. I can give you a hug in person.
Ancaire,
How is my southern Belle doing today? We're here for you - whatever you need, no questions asked.
That pain you feel? That's a good thing! It means you had repressed some feelings to protect yourself and you're finally in a safe enough place to deal with them. But you don't have to do it alone. Feel free to vent, to scream, to waffle, to love. We all understand and support you no matter what you feel. Because you are you and these are your feelings.
You are strong and you will make it through this, but I'd love to help.
I'm feeling like one giant ball of hurt, really. I don't know if this is MLC or if my H has always been one giant butthead and I just never saw it. I know he's always been focused on himself - but we all are in a way, aren't we?
The last year or so has been rough - feeling him pulling away and unable to do a thing about it. Something changed in him, and I am at a loss to figure out what it is. All signs point to MLC, except he seems so very rational.
I do know that these are feelings, and they will pass. I guess I'm waiting on them to pass so that I have something somewhat intelligent to say. I'm just blue - an ordinary blue, not the truly scary kind. This hurts, you know? (I know you all do.) To love someone, and have them discard you so abruptly?
I'm still reeling that he's doing this to me when I have so many health struggles. He alternates between telling me it's all in my head - and understanding that it is a real issue. He's been actively encouraging me NOT to apply for government help. He wants me to heal myself by exercising, eating right, and managing myself better.
My doctors say all those thing will help me feel better, but none of them will cure the underlying issues. I've been going along with H, but I've finally realized that is not the best choice for me. I'm not ever going to be 100% better. I think I really wanted to believe that, so I was focusing in that direction.
I told him yesterday I am going to apply for aid, and he freaked out on me. He believes it's all about him - making him responsible for spousal support for life. In our state, spousal support is limited to a specific time frame, unless there is a disability involved, and then it can go on for a lifetime. I assured him that wasn't my intention - I just have to start looking out for myself. I literally cannot survive without health insurance and medication. I’m going to lose that the moment the divorce is final.
He's convinced I can work a full-time job and get benefits for myself. My doctors have restricted me to part-time work only, and that's iffy...I'd have to find a truly understanding boss. I’ve finally wrapped my head around this. I can manage my symptoms (Congestive Heart Failure, Fibromyalgia, and Major Depressive Disorder) but I can’t cure the underlying illness. I wanted to believe I could – there are so many miracle stories out there – but I would be foolish to bank my entire future on a miracle. It’s time for me to face reality and apply for the aid that is available for people like me. H is just going to have to deal with it. He’s abandoned me - I am not his problem. I finally accept that.
I'm not giving up at all - I think I'm finally facing the reality of my situation. I may or may not have a miracle - but I really need to do what is best for me at this moment in time, and that is applying for aid. So today, I'm swallowing my pride, and making the appointments. I'm not happy about it - but it is what it is. I need help, and help is available.
Of course, then I get to start the merry-go-round of dealing with the government. I don't know how people cheat their way into it, really. Valid health problems get kicked out all the time. There are so many law firms out there for the sole purpose of helping people get the benefits they need. Bizarre.
Thanks, everyone, for checking in on me. I've had a Fibro flare-up and haven't been feeling too great. It even hurts to type, but it's a tad better today. I appreciate your checking in and good wishes more than I can say.
Painter - yes. My lawyers have information from my doctors about the medication and interactions - if only I hadn't had alcohol in my system at the time. That part was 100% my fault. I should never have been driving. I'm lucky I didn't get in more trouble, truly. H surely tried, but the officers told him they didn't actually see me driving on a public road - I was on private property at the time. My lovely caring husband tried to get me on that, too. What a way to treat the mother of your children. He was mad because I trashed his reputation, by telling the officers what led to me running into another vehicle - that part (cheating husband) made it into the news.
Good for you, Ancaire. Get the help you need. You're taking control of your own precious life, and that's good.
It's OK to be blue. Life isn't perfect
It sounds like you have a good plan of action. Keep thinking about how you can heal or at least manage your health problems. You're not being selfish when your health is involved.
One last thing - detaching is not giving up. It's allowing your husband the opportunity to do whatever the f he wants to do without it affecting you.
I am so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. The pain is almost unbearable at times and I know it's hard to believe, but it will get better. Try to do something to get your mind off of it for a while...read a book, call a friend, watch TV, anything at all to give yourself even a small break. Keep posting here, it helps just to be able to talk about it with people that understand. Just remember that this pain isn't forever. (((((Judy)))))
Someone at work showed me this poem a few nights ago. When I read it, it made me cry. It's a beautiful poem that seems like it was written just for all of us Left behind spouses. It really seemed to speak to me and I plan to read it every day. Please read it, maybe it can help you as well.
(thanks NYGal for finding it and posting so I could copy it
. )
After A While
©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...
Nice! thank you MB Jellyxxx
MB...You are a sweetheart. Thanks for the poem - yes, it made me cry, but then it started to make sense and sink in.
I'm feeling more like myself, promise.
I don't know what would have become of me if I hadn't found this board and all the wonderful people here. I shudder to think of it. It wouldn't have been good, I can tell you that for certain.
I was so lost, so confused, so scared, and feeling so very alone...then came hope, direction, and help from places I could never have dreamed. Life is good, isn't it?
Anc, I am sorry you are going through another rough patch. Please keep posting and let us encourage you. You don't always have to be the strong one!
((((((((Ancaire)))))))) I'm so sorry to hear that you are so unwell the last few days on top of everything else. I agree with you about getting any help that you are entitled to. Thinking of you and hope that you feel better soon. We are all here for you.
(((Judy)))
Great news! From where you are, you can only go up! (God, please dont prove me wrong, just be a good girl and do what you are told)
How is that grandbaby?
You have a great grasp on your limitations right now. It is good that you are listening to the docs and not H. Now we can work on some GAL/PMA activities that fall within your limitations. When you first open your eyes in the morning, if you dont feel some excitement about your activities for the day, then we have some work to do.
Lets just come up with one thing. One thing you can do that is all yours. Something you can take pride in.
(((Judy)))
Sorry to hear of your struggles. Your H is the limit but you are taking control of your life. You go, Judy!
Came by to share the love, be well
How are you doing today? Any plans to get outside?
Hi girl!!! Just wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you.
I totally get the whole dilemma about your chronic illness. My H really doesn't accept the fact that I have a chronic disease and no matter what I will always have it. I might feel great and then I might get a flare-up. For the most part you can't see my illness on the outside and everyone things I look great and healthy, but I'm not. It's complicated and frustrating. I wish I could pretend I'm not sick and sometimes I do, but sooner or later it will smack me in the face again. I know sometimes even in my immediate circle of friends and family, some think it's all in my head. My H and his mother were taken a bit back when I was finally approved for long term disability benefits. They both thought I should return to my job or work somewhere else.
Anyways, I'm rambling here. Judy, stress is the worst for chronic auto-immune illnesses. You have had more stress than even I can imagine. You need to figure out a way to lessen that stress. I still think absolutely no contact with H is important. Also, for most DBers GAL activities are vigorously recommended, but when you are in the middle of a fibro flare-up GAL is getting out of bed. Don't push yourself. Stay in bed for a few days until you feel better, or a week. Whatever it takes!!
Forgive yourself for not being able to do all the things that you think you should do. I know that is a hard one!!
*hugs*
I think you need a bedrock of support to relax and let go. This means fins for your health.
And if that involves WH with providing fins to care then it does.
No wriggle room, do that which is best for you. Look after you.
Hugs
V
Just stopping by to say I'm thinking about you Ancaire and hoping you feel better soon.
Hope you are doing better. Thinking of you...
I'm here, surviving. This week is just rough. H and I are working out the D details. Any of you who have been through this already know how much this hurts.
Every time I disagree with something, I get subjected to spew and rage. It's just like dealing with a three year old. I'm exhausted. You will all be proud of me, though. As hard as it is, I'm holding my own, and am not backing down on what I need. Even with a spewing, raging, MLC monster throwing his best tantrums, I just hang in there. "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I can see how you might think that."
I'm not enjoying all this validating, but I trust MWD and her wisdom on this subject. It's not going to make much difference in the short term, but who knows what will happen in the future? I'm not sure I'll have any feelings left at all for H in the future at this point - but that's kind of the thing, isn't it? Don't slam and lock any doors. Tomorrow has its' own worries, and I have enough for today.
I'm actually pretty proud of me, in a way. We've completed discovery paperwork, and once he learned what I had on him, and figured out I had him in a place he wasn't going to be able to wiggle out of, he suddenly became agreeable to "working it out". It's not fun, but it is saving legal fees.
We should be done by tomorrow. If we can't agree on one issue, it's off to mediation. You guys really would be proud...when he starts listing off his complaints, I validate when needed, or stand up for myself when necessary. My favorite line from yesterday was my own! I heard myself say, straight to his face, "What I do, or do not do, is no longer any concern of yours. Please stick to the subject at hand."
Backbone, grown. H? Frustrated. I'm exhausted, but it is all nearing the end now, and I am both saddened and relieved. I need out of this pressure cooker. I'm winning the battle, and coming out with everything I need. It helps that I'm not being greedy in any way - just asking for what I'm legally entitled to for the time limit I'm allowed.
The extreme sadness has faded. It's like that last bit of mourning I did really cleared my vision. I'm not so sad about losing a cheating H. I'm sad for my children, and the loss of our family, and the loss of who H used to be. We all miss him - but he's disappeared. I can now look at H, and not feel such longing. I really do not like this preening peacock version. If this is what he was like as a teen, I'm happy I didn't know him then!
He really did enjoy the drama of knowing how much I was hurting, losing him. Now that I'm not hurting as much, he's feeling it and really acting out. He's lost his starring role, and seems to resent it. LOL
Divorce is hard. I wish people took marriage more seriously. I wish they took others' feelings more seriously, too. This ending of a life together, in terms of paper and contracts is just so empty and sad. I don't know how else to say it.
It'll all be over soon, and I can move on.
Yes Anc,
It requires strength. Good for you.
Keep on keeping on.
Big big hugs
V
Divorce is hard. I wish people took marriage more seriously. I wish they took others' feelings more seriously, too. This ending of a life together, in terms of paper and contracts is just so empty and sad. I don't know how else to say it.
You put it very well, Ancaire. I felt the sadness you describe when I wrote down my kids' name on a piece of paper which in its title had the word "divorce".
Hugs for you Judy, you are a good woman and I am proud to all you friend. Be well Ancaire, be strong
You're doing great. Just keep at it!
I send you good jibes for you to feed off of, and hugs to support you.
Ancaire - you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Waywards are like the alien from Men in Black - the guy might look the same on the outside, but he's a mutant on the inside.
Live every day. I want you to laugh today - hard. I want belly jiggles out of you!
Judy I'm so glad to hear you sounding strong and confident. You will survive. We all will by God's grace. Divorce is hard. Two people who had become one are ripped apart. It leave a gaping wound but it will heal. Prayers for you.
Ugh. What a brutal week. It's over now.
H and I went back and forth all week long, negotiating the terms of our D. We finally came to an agreement today. I held my ground like a bulldog. Everytime he attempted to buffalo me, intimidate me, trick me, or throw a tantrum - I just stuck to my rights, what I know them to be, and how I wouldn't settle for less.
I was given ultimatums. I said "Go ahead." I was threatened, and just asked what H thought the kids would think of that. I lost my temper just once, but not nearly as badly as I've done in the past. All in all, even though it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, I held my own and got what I needed to help me survive.
H is a burning ball of resentment and fury. Too bad. I'm exhausted, but feeling quietly pleased with myself. I'll be D before I know it. That, I'm not happy about. It is what it is - the only way to keep H from harming me. I got out of his way, so he could go "be happy". L should be drafting an agreement Monday. I'm kind of in shock. LOL
On a happier note, do any of you visit MWD's Divorce Busting Facebook page? She wrote a post about writing a book on infidelity, and I commented: " Infidelity is usually considered a sexual relationship. Yet, before someone I know actually entered into that type of relationship, there were others that were described as "just kissing" - I consider the other relationships to be just as bad. Am I wrong?"
Feel free to like the comment if you want a new FB friend.
I hope you all have a great weekend!
I'm sorry you have to get divorced , with that said I'm glad your done with the negotiations. Better days are coming Ancaire. Peace
Anc, sorry that it has gotten to this. But, as long as you don't have court, the rest is as simple as hacking out a library book. It's crazy that it is easy. Just remember this is only the legal tax status part. You will be able to choose what you want from there. And, if your mind is like mine, it will change a few times. Eventually it will settle out though.
Keep up the pma, work on your health, and enjoy what you can!
This is more shift.
I am so pleased for you Anc.
V
You did great in the mediation. Stay strong!
Ancaire, sending hugs and prayers your way! You are such a strong woman. I am glad you held your ground.
You are strong and making the right moves. Keep it up
Hi Ancaire. I'm so sorry things have taken this turn in your situation. It sounds like you were strong and did the best you can do under the circumstances.
(((Ancaire)))
Everything has moved so quickly for you. You have truly been on the most nightmarish of roller coasters.
As you know, I am not a very spiritual person, but I get this feeling that you are meant for something so much more. I truly believe that you have a lot in store for you. Your warmth, insight, and passion is apparent to all.
I know it's tough now but hang in there. The worst is over and soon you can shine!
How are you doing? Any updates?
On a happier note, do any of you visit MWD's Divorce Busting Facebook page? She wrote a post about writing a book on infidelity, and I commented: " Infidelity is usually considered a sexual relationship. Yet, before someone I know actually entered into that type of relationship, there were others that were described as "just kissing" - I consider the other relationships to be just as bad. Am I wrong?"
Funny. I usually read all of the comments from the MWD facebook posts and wonder if any who post are here...or try to figure out which ones if I think they are...I actually asked myself if maybe that was U.
Please start a new thread.