Hi Everyone, this is my first post and I'm in a bad situation. I'm 42, she's 39 and we have a little girl we adopted who is now almost 3. We've been married 10 years. We moved across country in 8 years ago to be closer to my wife's parents to where she grew up. I left behind friends and family.
We ended up working for my wife's family with the goal to take over their business in about 3 years (hasn't happened yet). Anyway, it was a poor fit for me and I was unhappy. I delved into my hobbies and we slowly stopped having sex. We were trying to have kids at the time and we were having problems. I've had a porn problem since I was a teen and the internet doesn't make it easier. Also getting older doesn't help the libido much, especially when your wife is your boss and you see her almost every hour of the day. Once we adopted our daughter, I cut back on work to 25-30 hrs per week to spend more time with her and help with the housework. I became pretty resentful and unhappy.
Anyway, the fighting started this summer and it got pretty intense. She brought up something weird: we should try an open marriage. I was pissed and she back peddled saying she said it to hurt me. Anyway, I pretty much withdrew but found out around Halloween she brought a client over for dinner while I was out of town visiting family. I was suspicious of them before and even confronted her about it. She of course denied it. I hacked into her computer and found out she had strong feelings for him and wanted more. It sounded like he broke it off though and she realizes a mistake. Anyway, I confronted her about it and we've been sleeping in separate rooms since. I also quite my job at the family business and found a new career but it won't pay nearly as much and won't take off until April.
Wife said a couple of months ago we should separate. I said I needed more time to get my career in order and to work on myself. However, she wants to move on and says life is too short. She suggested we buy a smaller 2nd home for me to live in. She acknowledges I helped her get to where she is today (she made $100K last year) and she says she owes me. However, it doesn't feel right for me to leave when she's breaking up the family. I know I can't afford the $1400/mo mortgage of our current house and rent in our area is scarce (isolated resort area) with rent for a small apt being about $700/mo.
I'm not sure what to do. I was going to hold out and try to turn her around but I'm suspecting she's having another emotional affair with someone else. Lot's of texting, single guy, good looking, fit. I confronted her about it and she said she was only sending him LOTR memes because he liked the trilogy. I found it really odd and her body language made me suspicious like before when I confronted her about her first affair. I could be wrong though.
She keeps saying we are best friends and she misses me at the office but she still wants to split. Her sister, who had 2 physical affairs under her husband's nose, just split with her husband over Thanksgiving and her therapist is an advocate for divorce (wife told me this, therapist is biased). She definitely has a cheer leading team. I'm pretty isolated from support. I have to phone family and friends since they are all out of state and I haven't really made many new friends in her hometown. I felt awkward working for my in-laws and it's a really small town. I'm trying to change that now, getting out more and joining groups.
Anyway, I'm tired of living this way. I don't want to split up my family but I also don't want to be suspicious all of the time and live with someone that doesn't want me back. I don't respect her anymore for doing this to us. I read the 37 rules for what to do about a WAW and they make sense. I'm actually detaching a lot right now, mostly because I feel angry and I'm not interested in being around her right now. Detaching is pretty easy but I know I'll feel that pull when I get weak.
I think I have all of the important stuff in there. Let me know if I need to fill in the blanks.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thanks Cadet for the links. I've been reading through them and they are helpful.
We are sleeping in different rooms. At first I was in the spare room and offering to go into the basement. Around Thanksgiving, I called the guy she was having her first emotional affair with and told him that I knew. After that, I told her I was sleeping in the master bedroom and I've been there since.
I'm thinking a bigger separation might be necessary for both of us. I spoke with an attorney and he said that the courts in my state don't consider abandonment if one of the spouses leaves the home. Most divorces are decided through meditation anyway.
I'll probably be negotiating a separation this week but I'm trying to decide which approach to take: stay in the marital home, get an appt, or agree to buy a 2nd smaller place. Like I said, my income is nil for the next 2 or 3 months. Maybe I should just buy myself more time and just stay in separate rooms, I'm not quite sure yet...
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Stay in the Marital home and in the MBR
As Cadet said, stay in the home and in the bedroom. You also need friends. Go to meetup.com and find a group that interests you. You said you had hobbies, maybe a group that shares one of these hobbies with you, so it is an authentic interest of yours but builds your social circle. Keep posting and read the links ASAP.
Hello Brutus,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You should not leave the master bedroom or the marital home. You are smart to recognize that she has a separation cheer leading squad. Try not to let that bother you. Sadly, the sister's divorce biased therapist is all too common.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Stay in the Marital home and in the MBR
Can I ask for the reason for staying in the marital home? I'm having trouble with navigating on a laptop and it's a real bear on my iphone, otherwise I'd search the forum.
Brutus, Welcome to the best place to be in the worst time. My sitch is new, so I won't offer advice and let the veterans do that.
I hope you find reading the boards and posting helpful. This Newcomers Board is very, very active. You will post something in the morning and if, for whatever reason, it's not generating many replies, you may find your post 5 pages in.
Keep posting your updates. Lots of readers on this board that don't post replies... it is so busy. You are being heard.
Well for starters if you were to research the #1 mistake that is made by people who are getting divorced it is to leave the marital home.
It can be considered abandonment and it is easier to leave than it is to come back.
Also your wife is the one cheating or wanting a divorce, why should YOU leave?
There are other reasons but my suggestion is for you to take the advice and learn what they are vs my telling you them all.
Remember that DB'ing is counter intuitive,
and knowldege is POWER
Ok, I've gone through the links and ordered DR.
Just found out my new boss doesn't need me this week which [censored] (surveying and mapping). Like I mentioned earlier, I can't go full time until April and I was hoping that I could at least work part-time and start training more. The situation is hard to explain but it's another wall I need to overcome. I was really looking forward to this new career path, it's a good fit for me and job options in this resort area are scarce unless I flip pizzas or wait tables. I know my wife won't respect me until I'm making decent money and therefore I know things won't get better between us until then. That EA she had, she was drawn to him because he owns his own business and owns a lot of land. She confessed to me a couple of months ago that she feels like she needs a type A guy.
I'll also start trying to reach out and talk to more people. How much should I say about my marital situation?
My suggestion is to talk about your marital situation here.
Talking to others will be hit or miss and also could have repercussions into the future.
The people here understand what you are going through.
We have been there and done that.
Some more background about the separation thing: the W and have gone back and forth on who leaves. This isn't a new debate between us. Also, I was driving a company vehicle (owned by her parents) and she let me buy a vehicle that was worth the equity in our house (15 to 20K). So we had a sort of an unwritten agreement that she'd keep the house and that would be my payoff for the house. I know you aren't supposed to make big purchases with a looming separation but I needed something reliable. With that in mind:
This morning, the wife mentioned a rental in town that came available and I said something along the line "that might be a good place for you then". You could literally watch her head explode. She was furious. She got really nasty...get this: she said it's not fair for her to hear me cry in the back of the house and to be sad all of the time. She I need to man up and deal with my depression (I'm not depressed, just going through an extremely trying time), and that she will refuse to support me for loafing around and make me pay rent in MY OWN HOUSE. She said it doesn't make sense financially and that I agreed to something previously and taking advantage of her. I told her that's not true, I need a couple of months to get my job going and my life in place before I leave. That it's not fair that I should leave the house if I'm breaking up the FAMILY. She seemed to calm down but she tried to get me out of MB. I said no. She relented and asked if I could get the office stuff out of the spare room she's been sleeping in and I said ok, that would be fair. She said she doesn't want our daughter to see us fight, that's why we should split. But I told her we haven't had a real argument in 6 weeks. And this morning wasn't even a real argument, not once did I raise my voice.
We plan on hashing out the rest of the separation within a couple of weeks. She seems fine with letting me stay until I get back on my feet. We'll probably put the house on the market after I do a little work to it.
We talked more about what went wrong between us (not communicating enough, brushing our problems under the rug, etc.). We are calm for now again and I bought some time. I know I'll have to find my own place at some point, just not now.
I told her that's not true, I need a couple of months to get my job going and my life in place before I leave. That it's not fair that I should leave the house if I'm breaking up the FAMILY.
To clarify, I meant write:
That it's not fair that I should leave the house if SHE'S THE ONE breaking up the FAMILY.
I agreed to something previously and taking advantage of her.
Yea she agree to marry you too and that was not fair for her to break her vows.
Best to seek legal counsel before you agree to anything
Hi, you're getting some good advice and much reading for the marital issues, but I would like to add: *slow down*, and be careful about the legal stuff. It's not good to make big decisions until you have read the book (Divorce Remedy is the newest version) and understand the concept, and know your legal standing in detail.
The car purchase bothers me, also the attitude the two of you seem to have (or maybe just she) that both of your incomes are not family income, but separate and puts you in different 'classes'. I have encountered this with my H after he cheated, and I called him out on it in MC. Finances were never an issue until OW came into the picture.
It is an unfortunate situation you are in materially, but I think it puts you in a legally strong position. Please do not do anything before you have consulted with a lawyer. Look for one that works only with divorce.
The decision to buy you out of the house with a car is terrible, I'm sorry to say. Getting something that only drops in value in exchange for something that increases in value is not good. Fortunately, that verbal agreement is not binding.
Also, if you have been the main caretaker of your daughter, you will most likely get primary custody, while W, as the high income earner, will have to pay you child support and spousal support. 15 years (could be more) and normally spousal support for half of the length of the M. The situation is enhanced by you moving to live and work with her family, giving up your job where you lived. The promise to take over the company can even come into play, if it was ever put in writing.
You should set aside money (do you have a shared checking account?) and talk to a good lawyer - not someone who wants to pawn you off to a mediator. Don't make this easy for her.
My H came to his senses partly because he realized how difficult life would be if he chose to D me. It can be like a bucket of ice water.
Also, if you cry, don't let her see or hear it. Turn on some music. In her current state, she does not care, and it only pushes her further away. Been there, done that with my H. The guys around here talk about putting their Clint on - emulate Clint Eastwood (but a bit more fun, I'm sure). She told you she wants a more type A man - did you use to be that?
I am so sorry for what you're facing. I think it's a positive thing that she has not fixated on one particular guy. She wants something that she doesn't think you can give her, because the circumstances have made you less of a man than you were when you met. It sounds like she's still searching. Speed-read DR and start acting like someone only a fool would leave.
Thanks Painter. That post was really helpful. I'll work on controlling my emotions around her. It's hard because I'm dealing with multiple things such as the employment issue and feeling isolated.
When we first met, I just got a new job and I was forming a band. Had lots of friends from work and I was also dating a lot. I'm not normally a type A but during that time, I was probably exhibiting a lot of those behaviors. I was definitely in a good spot and in charge of the relationship.
I haven't started my own checking acct yet, we have joint accounts. On paper, our incomes are actually combined 50-50. The wife set this up in case we wanted to upgrade to a larger house (2 yrs ago when things were better). Technically, we are contractors (real estate industry) and for payroll reasons we have an LLC. That LLC provides payroll to us and goes into our joint checking acct. I only made 40K last year but since we both made 110K, on paper I made 55K. Hopefully, that makes sense. It's a little complicated but that's how it's set up.
For reference, I'll be getting paid about 25-30K/yr once my new job takes off. In a couple of years, hopefully 40K. I'm starting over in a new career at 42, so it's tough right now.
I have a little cash from my dad for emergencies. I'll have to set up a new PO Box too, probably do both of those things this week.
I spoke with an attorney about 3 weeks ago. He said most divorces in our state go to mediation. I don't think he specializes in family issues so maybe he's not the right guy to get advice from. He said I probably won't get child support unless I'm the primary caregiver. I doubt the wife would agree to that without a big battle. I have another referral that seemed more aggressive on the phone but expensive. I should probably give him a call...
Glad you felt what I wrote, was helpful!
I would stop all activities from your end towards initiating a separation. You don't want to divorce, right? I would not separate finances at this point. Let her take all the initiative, but be prepared (know what she can and can't do) and do what you have to protect yourself.
If you own a company together and have manipulated income on paper, you definitely need a good attorney. This is quite complicated and you need advise on your position.
You don't need to hire anyone at this point, just talk to a few and see what they say and what kind of impression you get of their knowledge. Don't chose an attorney because he or she is nice. Maybe go to a larger city to find someone, if it's limited where you live. Be clear about what you want - not create conflict or be vengeful, but protect your rights.
It sounds like she is financially very savvy and could steamroll you unless you have a good attorney. I recommend that you call today. The hourly rate is *nothing* compared to the financial consequences you're looking at for the next 15 years.
She doesn't have to agree in order for you to get primary custody. You said you have been working part-time in order to be the primary caretaker for your child? All judges prefer that children have stability, but access to both parents. They want the children to remain in familiar surroundings with familiar people, that's why I think you would have a good chance of getting the house and child support.
The difficult thing here is to separate the issues. It is very hard to realize that the person who is supposed to love you and protect you is actually willing to hurt you financially. It requires some compartmentalization.
Good luck and keep us updated!
I know it hurts but a part of me just wants to move on. I mean really, do I want to pursue someone indefinitely. If she goes off the reservation too far, I know I won't want her back. I have my limits, my dignity, and my sanity. I know I have a family to keep together and the hardest thing about this is screwing up my kid if we split. I can tell that if I'm having a really bad day, my daughter looses all interest in what she learned about potty training, manners, and overall behavior. She senses something is really wrong and the best thing I can do is make myself happy so that I can protect her. If I'm not happy, I can't help her grow. And I'll be damned if I keep myself stuck in a situation with that kind of conflict.
I was at a small social event tonight, mostly guys a couple of significant others that I've been meeting with a few times. Keep in mind, I live in a small and tight resort community. My wife's family is rather notorious and sometimes not for positive reasons...
Anyway, I wanted to say something to my little group about my impending separation. I didn't want to trash everyone's night so I kept my mouth shut. Something really odd happened afterwards. As we called it a night and we all walked out the door, every male reached out and shook my hand before I left. This has never happened before, the shaking of the hand at these meetings. I think everyone was aware of my marital problems and they were offering some sort of condolence or support. This touched me deeply since I've felt so isolated, this has been one of my few social outlets. Funny how things work, small towns, big surprises...
We are meeting with a mediator tomorrow to discuss the separation. I won't agree to anything until I discuss it with an attorney. I'm getting so uncomfortable being in my own home, I'm not sure how much longer and I can keep living with the wife.
So as of yesterday, I think I've decided to move out once we have a separation agreement in place. I'm pretty much at my wits end with this in house separation. I've detached and it's been remarkably easy I can't stand to look at her. It makes no sense to me why she would do this to our family.
It might take some time to negotiate the terms. We are going to try to work it out then I'll have the terms reviewed by an attorney before I sign anything. We have to discuss child support and all that since our incomes are so different. She claims she doesn't want to make it hard on me and is willing to help out but I don't know.
This morning I looked at a small house to rent and since then, I've been depressed. My life is getting completely dismantled. I'm confused on what to do and to even agree to anything with her at this point. I need time.
I posted here earlier regarding my situation with my wife:
above.
She has wanted to separate for a few months now. Basically, she thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
I thought our Florida trip would bring us closer but it didn't. When we got home, she insisted we separate. I did the math, spoke to an attorney, and she and I drew up a rough separation agreement. We were avoiding each other pretty much all of the time and it was getting very uncomfortable. I felt like I was loosing my mind. I found a 2 bedroom house to rent that's affordable, which is rare in our community. Housing is very tough to come by in our area so I got VERY LUCKY. So I started packing...
Around this time, I was suspecting she was seeing someone else. She was texting constantly and more than usual, which is a lot under normal circumstances. Her texting was driving me nuts. I ran into her male friend/client that she likes to text with at the store and he gave me and my daughter a funny look. My hackles went up.
I know I'm not supposed to snoop but my wife left her computer logged in at work and I found out that she was setting up dates with that guy just a few days ago. However, she was telling me she was going to the gym and hanging out with a female co-worker. I didn't say anything, just quietly kept packing (with more gusto) and got the go ahead from the rental agent to move in early. I did.
I got moved in and unpacked. I was pretty detached from her at this point and feeling great about things. About a week later, she stopped to pick up our daughter and she asked if the 3 of us could grab a bite to eat at one of the pubs. Unfortunately, I accepted her invitation and I had a very dark couple of days after that. I even drunk texted her "boyfriend" which was stupid and I texted her too, saying I loved her. Very stupid and my self-confidence crashed. This was a huge mistake and it took a few days to recover from that. Lesson learned. I told her I couldn't be her "best friend", like she wanted. I needed to set some boundaries, as much as it hurts.
So anyway, I've been healing from my last mistake and I'm feeling good again. I've been in my place a couple of weeks. Although I hurt and I need a good cry about once a day, I know I'll be okay just as long as I keep my cool. I'm less stressed out when contact is sparse between me and my wife. I keep it brief verbally and with texts. I feel better about myself and my confidence builds when I'm in this mode.
I figure this is the only way I can win her back. If I back off from her, I'm able to build myself up again into the man I was when we met. She may never come back but I know I'll be okay. If she hasn't done so already, she'll probably sleep with other people. I really don't have any interest in that, at least for now. I finished divorce busting and I'm more convinced that I did the right thing for ME, by moving out. It's what I NEED. Plus, I don't have to listen to her stupid phone going off every 30 seconds. Every time I heard that "ding", my blood pressure would skyrocket.
I need to focus on my daughter and myself now. By obsessing over what my wife was doing while I was living with her, I couldn't focus on what was important. I need to focus on the people that love me now and the new relationships I'll be able to form.
So I'm definitely noticing a pattern. Just like last Wednesday, my wife picked up our daughter from my place and has her for 3 nights. I started choking up as she loaded my daughter in the car. I haven't cried in 3 days. Instead of walking into town and grabbing a few drinks like last Wednesday, I treated myself to a movie and watched 13 Hours. I got so depressed on the way home. Thought about texting the wife, driving by my old place to see if there is someone else parked there. Very dark thoughts...
Made it home, going to do some art. I was messaging an old college buddy and told him what was going on with me. He actually envied me (so did my happily married boss). I thought that was interesting.
I also messaged my 1st wife (1995 to 2001) to gain some perspective on what happened to my first marriage. I actually had an EA on her because she was crazy possessive but went back to my wife and tried to work on our marriage. My 1st wife ended up leaving me after a couple of years, found someone else. The pain from my EA I think did too much damage. However, my ex did admit that leaving me was a huge regret and she wish she stayed and tried to work out our problems. He admitted that her problems never went away, they always came back when she was with other men.
Anyway, so that was my week....
Hang in there Brutus. One day at a time my friend.
So I've been having a good few days. I've kept communication with my wife sparse, short texts only about our daughter and finances.
Starting to get a life again. Yesterday kept myself busy with showing property, studying for my new career, and even went out and did some volunteer work at a local church (packing donations for Syrian refugees in Greece). It felt really good to give something back and I'll have to do more of it. Afterwards I went out to grab a burger by myself in a local pub. It's a small town and I felt a lot of strange looks but I felt comfortable doing so. Went home, drew and played guitar. Was feeling really awesome.
Today my wife and I had a couples counseling session (to get through the separation). Wife insisted we have it at her office which I thought was stupid and told her so. It started off bad, my wife was very upset from the beginning. My wife said that she was still angry about me texting her "friend" last week. As it turns out, she said she lost her "friend" because of it. It sounds like it freaked him out and he broke it off. She also said she was worried about money and was going to miss our daughter when I take her to see my family for 10 days. She was a mess, started crying, said she was worried that I was going to make future dating for her difficult, and said I needed to nut up on getting the separation wrapped up (WTF!) I told her this is her rodeo and she needs to do those things. She also said that she was tired of being the bad guy. I told her that being the spouse that being left behind is devastating and destroys their self-esteem. I asked to put herself in my shoes. It didn't help. So we started fighting again and slinging poop for another 30 minutes or so. I felt horrible afterwards but I'm not sure why. I just walked out after it was over without saying goodbye to her. I'm sure our colleague heard the whole thing from her desk. Smooth one, wife.
She is now alone and that is what's making her miserable. I think she had this picture of the separation as us being buddies through the whole thing and getting each other through it. She's so naïve. I knew this would be an unpleasant experience for her eventually, just not this soon. Everyone keeps telling me she looks like older and tired all of the time. I want to feel bad for her. I still care about her but a big part of me says, you reap what you sow.
Had a lousy 24 hours after that counseling session on Friday. Somewhat depressed, maybe impending Valentines Day has something to do with it. The next day I was invited to a friend's house for a beer but I declined because I was getting ready to put my daughter to bed. Felt better though and had a decent evening last night.
So I went and got the wife a Valentines Days card. I know, I know what everyone is thinking. All it really said was "You are Loved" and I signed myself and my daughter's name at the bottom. I my daughter scribble over it, the way a 3 yo can do well. I also got my daughter a small bear and a few pieces of chocolate that I let her take to my wife's house. This morning I dropped off my daughter and gave my wife the card. She said thanks and seemed to really appreciate it. She said she hadn't even thought about Valentine's Day (she's a poor liar) and I knew she wouldn't get me anything. I really didn't care. I thought I did the right thing since she seems to be suffering more than I thought.
I noticed that in the kitchen she had printed all of these meme's from Facebook such as "Either you get better or you get bitter...", "UnF-yourself", "Worrying doesn't take away today's troubles", and several more plastered all of the front of the fridge. I told her I thought those were interesting and she seemed embarrassed. I didn't appreciate seeing "UnF-yourself" on the front of my fridge but it's her place now. My wife seems to be acting like a teenager now and unsure of herself. It's quite odd.
So today I've been listening to metal, drawing, and watching the Walking Dead. Feeling just fine for it being Valentines Day...
Brutus,
Hang in there. Keep using your support network. My wife has posted FB messages, similar to your wife's. If she's got issues, only she can fix them. You do have a gift of time, like Cadet says. I love it that you gave her a card with D3.
I did cry in front of wife, too. Each time, showing lots of emotion. It got me nowhere - a little pity, but my W is looking for strength and a manly man - not a highly emotional crying sack of boy. I've made changes, some have stuck. Working on some others.
How is work for you? Instead of watching TV, could you do something? I got into running until I hurt my achilles.
Trumpet, oh I only watched the season premier of the Walking Dead. I also watched Vinyl but was disappointed. That's it, I don't watch much tv. I also cleaned the house, worked out, did a lot of drawing. I would have took a run but we had a temp high o -2 yesterday, it's been too damn cold. My Achilles flares up now and then too if I overdo it.
Some days are good, some are bad. I'm still baffled how this all happened. I wake up each morning and it seems unreal that I'm in a different house. That my wife is this different person. I still think it's easier being away from her though.
When we were living in the same house, I was constantly stressed if we were in the same room. Her habit of texting drove me bonkers. I was always trying to assess her mood and looking for any sign of her changing her mind. I'd get angry when she seemed happy and in turn, I'd be delighted if she seemed miserable. It was an unhealthy situation.
The hardest part is not being able to put my daughter to bed and wake her up everyday. When I think about that, my sadness turns to anger. I've been a lousy dad at times, I snap too quickly at her if I'm not feeling strong. I'm trying to get better and recognizing my moods and controlling them when I'm around my daughter.
My daughter is constantly testing me. My wife is much more lax about discipline than me. She lets our daughter eat on the couch or in front of the tv. Gives our daughter a lot of sugar whenever she asks for it. Still gives the poor kid a binky, she'll be 3 in a month. Ugh...
So a lot has happened in the past 3 months since I last posted. I decided to go through with a last resort. I set up a matchdotcom profile, just to see if she popped up and she did. I told her if she wants to date, that she should really file for divorce. She never did, said she was too busy. I explained to her if she dates and doesn't file for divorce, that I would. It was a big ultimatum, the absolute last resort.
Her 40th birthday happened a few weeks later. It was a big deal on facebook but I was never invited to even the family celebration. I was devastated and pissed. Out of the blue, a woman that lives in town started facebook messaging and we met. We ended up going on a couple of dates and it turned out to be a bad idea. Things happened and I felt guilty. It really confused me emotionally and left me even more depressed. It was a horrible idea and it negated any moral standing I had over the separation. I do not recommend dating during a time like this.
A few more weeks go by and I know my wife is starting to hook up with guys online. Strange guys start liking her posts on facebook. I mentioned something to her and she blocked me. I'm glad she did it because I was getting back into stalking which is a destructive pattern to be in, especially for your self confidence.
Last weekend, I heard she was making out with an out of town guy at a bar. I was so hurt and angry, I started texting her and she denied it of course. She wouldn't answer my phone calls either. The next day she came to pick up my daughter, she brought her sister with her. I told her, in front of her sister, that we didn't even have a separation agreement in place. I said that she was foolish and asked her what she was thinking. Then she admitted to it in her own way. She said, "well now you finally know what I really want." t
She had me watching our daughter for her Friday night, said she was going out with girlfriends. I said ok, I'm not going to turn down time with my daughter. My wife didn't even want to switch nights, she just gave it up. Turns out she was seen again at a bar with a man. I completely lost respect for her at this point.
So I'm carrying out my ultimatum and filing for divorce. Maybe it'll pull her head out of her butt but at this point, I really don't care. I've been getting on with my life. I have a new job, I'm totally immersed in hobbies and taking care of my daughter, who I have with me about 60% of the time. I'm even getting along better with my in-laws than I ever had in the past. I'm actually starting to have a blast with my life again and it feels good. Not everyday is great, I still have some rough days. I'm taking it one week at a time.
I still love her dearly but I cannot keep her from looking for her own happiness. I don't agree with how she's doing it but she's further away from our marriage more than ever. She has no remorse, is dishonest, and doesn't care about anyone but herself. I don't want to be attached to someone like and I have no respect for her. I see her when we meet and I feel hardly anything.
One thing I'd like to point out. I have tried DBing and it's much tougher than it looks. It didn't work well for me. I'd go for weeks keeping it together, not loosing it and then one night...boom! I blew it and had to start over. I felt like I was trying to dam up my feelings and it would get too much. I was suppressing how I felt. I felt like I was faking it and my wife wasn't buying my bull.
It got to the point where I started to have to protect myself and needed to make decisions to create boundaries. That's why I moved out and decided to get on with my life on my own terms. After I moved out, I was able to be free to feel. I could cry alone and not worry about being heard. I could play drums, blast my music, scream at the top of my lungs in the middle of the night. It was all very cathartic.
I know moving out and filing for divorce probably contradicts with the philosophy of this website but each person is different. We all have to do what's best for us.