Hey All,
I wana start by saying sorry for my bit of a hiatis. Its been a very busy holidays for a number of different reasons lots of gatherings with family and friends. I dont rememeber where i left or but I am generally doing pretty well. Wife is still seeing OM. I have been doing well with not snooping. I am not doing well with reading DR book need to get back at it. The big update is W is moving out and into her brothers house with him. She has already moved the spare bed there and setup a crib for S1. We have discussed doing some sort of every other day during week and every other weekends for spending time with S1. I have generally had a relitivly PMA i have been struggling though watching her move stuff out the door and having to re orgagnize my stuff because she took one of our dressers with her. Monday will be back to work and back to well a new routine hopefully that will help. I think he being on her own may help her to relize how much i have done for her over the years. She feels shes been neglected but she is not very independent and is quite needy and me the nice guy i am tried to take care of everything and still give her everything she needed emotionally at the same time. I feel this has just burned me out and caused me to fail to provide what is needed i know this is the root of our problems but she doesnt seem to care to see it. Anyways im rambling now. I dont realy have any questions just thought i would get back active on here as i remember how much you all have helped me over these last couple months
let me know if you have any questions or comments.
Wow, too bad for her brother. He will see first hand the selfish and destructive behavior.
You may want to get the child care schedule written out and agreed to so there aren't any mishaps. And I assume you have separated the finances as you talked about a few weeks ago.
Wow, too bad for her brother. He will see first hand the selfish and destructive behavior.
You may want to get the child care schedule written out and agreed to so there aren't any mishaps. And I assume you have separated the finances as you talked about a few weeks ago.
Her brother is away for work quite often so he will be gone months at a time more then likely. She will get a good taste of reality this way and maybe she will realize how much of the household responsabilities i actually took care of. Anyways have the house to myself all night tonight possibly for the first time since my s1.5 was born. Gona see how much more stuff i can get done without W nagging me.
As for the schedule i will write it out and review with her for her approval. Af for finances we have always had sperate finances snd now with her moved out im not sure how it applies i assume shes no longer on the hook for helping with any bills. Anyone have any advice with regards to this other then see a lawyer?
I've been looking through the MLC threads this morning, looking for inspiration and guidance. I found this little gem, and I'm going around sharing it with everyone I think it may be helpful to. Sometimes everything just gets to be too much, and I forget where I'm supposed to be focusing. It really helped me redefine where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. I hope it helps you a bit, too.
Consider the DB basic principals....
1) Healthy boundaries.
2) Better communication
3) GAL
4) "act as if"
5) Change how you look at things
6) Keep a positive outlook
7) Personal growth
8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be.
9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels"
10) Love and respect
These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.
OK so bit of a situation need some advice. We have made arrangements for S1 similar to someone else I saw on here cannot remember who it was. May have been enigma or anyways we were planning on alternating days drop off pickup at his daycare. I drop him off she picks him up she drops him off I pick him up etc etc. Only difference here is my W works at this daycare she came to the house today wanted to talk about the arrangement and she told me she didn't like leaving work and leaving S1 there waiting for me to pick him up she said she feels like she's abandoning him. She leaves around 4:15 ish when she gets off her shift I pick up around 4:45 when I get off work. So S1 is there in the capable hands of her coworkers for 30 minutes. Anyway I told her I'd talk to my boss and see if I can rearrange my hours on days that I pick up S1 so that I go in 1 hour early and get off 1 hour early so I can pick him up at 3:45. Talking to a few freinds they urged me to stand my ground don't change shifts they said she's making a big deal of nothing. 2 things to note:
#1 I what to pick it up S1 from daycare on my days because I want to be a good father and be there for him and want him to know I'm there for him.
#2 I don't want to see my W everyday. So picking up after she leaves would realy be preferable.
Here is what I was thinking of saying to my Web
I'm gona tell her I thought about it tonight and it decided that I don't think I will talk to my boss but I still want to pick up S1. I'll talk about him not being there long as well as this fact that she can stay and hang out with her freinds/coworkers and wait for me if she doesn't want to "abandon" which is not abandoning anyways he's in very capable hands.
The other option is to actually talk my boss and recycling arrange my hours. This would give me an extra hour with S1 on days I pick him up.
The 3rd option would be find him a new daycare where she doesn't work and then she won't have to leave him.
Anyways what do you all think? What should I say?
There are three options? Which one do you prefer for you and your son?
My thinking is that you might enjoy the extra hour? If not, then say you can't switch your time.
And I wouldn't go with option 3. I can't imagine going back and forth between daycare a to be cost effective or good for S1.
Stongr, I agree with Azzork. Having an extra hour with your son would be really fun! But if your boss doesn't go for it, the first option makes sense, too.
I really get her point of view. Driving away without S1 would feel really weird. "Abandoning him" is a bit dramatic, because she has to know he'll be fine. She doesn't like it is really the bottom line here. I don't think I would feel much sympathy, were it me, but I really do understand her statement.
I just got through telling H today (WW3) that he should have thought of a lot of things before he decided to blow up our family. He was trying to guilt me into something, and I was not so politely declining. I imagine you probably feel similarly on this.
It's your day with your son. If you can work out a way that makes you both happy, that would be best. Don't give in to help her with her unhappiness of the situation. She'd best get used to it if you're unable to maneuver your hours. Going to another daycare is not a good idea.
Ditto for me with what Ancaire said. If she don't like it, too bad. She created this feeling within her by her actions. She can fix those feelings by changing her actions, not yours.
The selfish mind really is exhausting to deal with.
Thanks All! I have talked to a few close freinds about this daycare situation and they are suggesting i just stay status quo her to bad for her. She has always got her way with me because im a nice guy they tell me i should stand up to her in this situation and let her feel the guilt of this situation she has created. I agree with them i definitly need to show im strong but at the same time if i can do something that makes it better for all 3 of us i should shouldnt i. Or is this just going to just be me more of the same her being a princess and always getting her way. She will feel like she has me in the palm of her hand.
Don't choose to say no just to "prove" something to HER. That is the opposite of detachment...
Make your choice based on what's best for you and your son. If that includes shifting your schedule an hour on your days, then why NOT do it?
So now she has a problem with abandoning things??? Sorry, I couldn't resist.
I'm starting to sound like an Azzork parrot! But, I agree with him. Take her out of the equation. If you get an extra hour a day with your son, all three of you are happy, why not do it?
You're not entitling her on this. You're coming up with a peaceful solution. That is DBing at its' best.
Don't choose to say no just to "prove" something to HER. That is the opposite of detachment...
Make your choice based on what's best for you and your son. If that includes shifting your schedule an hour on your days, then why NOT do it?
Thanks Azz this makes total sence just proves yet again i still need to work on detatchment.
I'm starting to sound like an Azzork parrot! But, I agree with him. Take her out of the equation. If you get an extra hour a day with your son, all three of you are happy, why not do it?
You're not entitling her on this. You're coming up with a peaceful solution. That is DBing at its' best.
Thanks Ancaire now we need mvgfwd2 to chirp in with a ditto and i got a pack od parrots following my sitch :p.
Maybe I will talk to my boss and switch hours but the odd time there will be something that keeps me at work a bit later maybe it is at that point i stand my ground and say id still prefer to be the one who picks him up at daycare on those days.
So now she has a problem with abandoning things??? Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Yah really eh she didnt have a problem leaving him all the time and coming home at all hours of the night when she was abandoning us for OM.
Whats also ironic is she said me wanting to pick him up so he knows im there for him and what not was a selfish thought. Shes the most selfish person ive ever experienced in my whole life throughout this situation.
Yes. I agree with you on her comment. That is a bull-manure statement. Selfish to spend time with your son? What an idiotic statement.
It was designed to attempt to make you feel guilty so you would let this go her way. Ignore, and do what's best for you.
Avoid the temptation to point out her selfishness. Just be calm, strong, and firm. "No, W. I've thought about it, and I will continue to pick up S. He is in great hands, and will come to no harm in the brief period of time you're not there. I cherish my time with him, and am not willing to accommodate your request."
and here's my DITTO.
You may want to look at the whole schedule and propose other changes that fits your new routine better too. Not as a means to stick it to her but adjustments that to fix a problem for you too. Maybe you don't have any problems with the schedule so no worries. This is new to both of you so there will be changes until you find the right schedule.
Yes. I agree with you on her comment. That is a bull-manure statement. Selfish to spend time with your son? What an idiotic statement.
It was designed to attempt to make you feel guilty so you would let this go her way. Ignore, and do what's best for you.
Avoid the temptation to point out her selfishness. Just be calm, strong, and firm. "No, W. I've thought about it, and I will continue to pick up S. He is in great hands, and will come to no harm in the brief period of time you're not there. I cherish my time with him, and am not willing to accommodate your request."
She was saying its selfish of me to want to be there for him because she thinks he should spend as much time the the 2 of us as possible. I want to show him that i am a good father and i can be there to pick him up. I dont want to have to realy on w on my days off tp pick him up then we have to figure out where tp meet to do the swap. I also feel like the swap is easier on him when it happens as part of his normal daily routine. I agree the selfish comment was made in an attempt to make me feel guilty. I will have to write down your wording it sounds very good. Thanks again!
Had first swimming lesson with s1 was a blast hes getting pretty good at floating and kicking his feet
Wifes car might be toast since she moved out now her dad is looking after maintenance of her car he brought it into a shop and they brougt up roughly $2000 worth of work that needs to be done. Hoping she doesnt ask me to pay for half repairs or half a new car. If she does do i have a right to say no?
Also, Im trying to make a playlist insperation songs i can listen to while going through this journey. See my list so far below if you can think of any good songs let me know artist and song title ill add it to my playliat
So Far I Got:
Classic Man by Jidenna
Its My Life by Bon Jovi
I Will Survive by Cake
You Gota Want It by Jordan Sparks
Return to Innocence by Inigma
Dare you to move by Swithfood
You Get What You Give by the new rsdicals.
Cheers!
How about Fight Aong by Rachel Platten? That one makes me believe that I can do this, even if only for a few minutes.
You are not obligated to buy your wife (separated or not) a car OR pay on penny of the repairs. Perhaps she can get the OM to do that for her, or maybe her dad. The only concern would be if she's driving your child around in that car. Still, you're not obligated at all.
Assuming its called fight song or maybe fight along?
You are not obligated to buy your wife (separated or not) a car OR pay on penny of the repairs. Perhaps she can get the OM to do that for her, or maybe her dad. The only concern would be if she's driving your child around in that car. Still, you're not obligated at all.
She has stopped driving the car as far as o know. Her dad is overly cautous when it comes to lots stuff so im pretty sure he probably told her not to drive it anymore she was driving his car yeaterday.
You should care as much about her car and anything else in her life as you would care about any random babysitter that takes care of your S1. Because at the moment that is about all she is to you. That kind of puts it into perspective.
Thanks for the bump whats thats for?
So i got into it with my wife a tiny bit over text message because i asked what time she thought i should pick S1 up tomorow. I told her i made spreadsheet with a schedule for every other week that i should was a fair 50/50 split of s1 time. She started going off about how she thought it was overkill. I told her i wanted yo have even awake hours with him even meal times even bed times etc she stared saying its not fair she get screwed out of time with him cause i work more hours im think well if thats the case its not fair i get screwed and have to pay a larger portion of his bills because i work more hours STFU though. When we decided what time id pick him up she complained about only getting to put him to bed 3 time this week. I was like yah so next week youll get to do it 4 times. If you look at it in 2 week periods thats fair. She also went on to say well if thats the way were gona so it then i should get some extra time because of all the time you spent with him over the holiday and im thinking half the time it was her dumping him off on me so she could go out do her own thing i was glad to take him but again stfu. I just told her i thought it was something we should talk about in person and that im trying to be nice about it and my end goal is 50/50 split or as close to as possible. I also said she doesnt have to look at my spread sheet but i told her it will be what i use to concider how fair the schedule we develop is. Anyone have any advice as to how to determin what is or is not fair? My w seems to have a messed up way of thinking about fairness. She thinks im trying to screw her all the time. That is definitly not what im out to do my goal is whats fair but i suppose what is fair depends on your prespective.
Maybe try to build the schedule together so she feels like part of the process rather than feeling like you're dictating to her. I realize you were only offering something to start the conversation which seems reasonable but from her reaction that wasn't the way she viewed it. So throw it away and and ask to meet with her to work it out.
Hopefully, someone else that had a similar situation can add on.
Strngr - I have a feeling that unless she's dictating when you get to see your child, it's going to be "unfair" - you said before she has a bit of a princess complex, right?
You could invite her to help come up with a schedule. Send her what you have and ask for input. I wouldn't expect anything rational, but making her part of the process might make her more agreeable.
You, stick to your guns. There's really no way to make anything to do with children completely fair. Since there are 7 days in a week - a 2 week spread is the way to go. I've just read enough of your thread to have reached a conclusion that unless it's her calling the shots, she seems to get upset about something.
Just be as pleasant and non-confrontational as you can be. You have a right to your son, and are not trying to be unfair. You're trying to work out a schedule both of you can live with. Asking her input might bring the tension level down a bit, though.
Thanks guys! I already told her i wanted to meet to talk about the schedule my intent with the spreadsheet was just to be used as a tool to count number of hours we have him and such. She will always have him for some extra time every morning since she starts work 1 hour later. That is life and im ok with that im not saying she needs to give him to me for extra time to make up for that. Anyways i will sit down with her and ask for her input. Thanks for your input.
Got another good song it speaks right to my sitch. Haha
Its called Listen by Chad Brownlee
Anyone got any other inspirational song? Maybe i should start sperate thread with a flashy title to draw people in.
Hey all hit a bit of a posting hiatus again. Well wife dropped a huge bomb on me today when she was over at the house picking up a few things. Anyway she told me she been struggling with something that she hasnt been able to talk to anyone about. I said she can talk to me. She said no i cant so i guessed and said your pregneny... she responded not anymore said she had s procedure. Im in shock by this news and have a heavy heart i know i shouldnt feel bad for her but i do. Shes made some seriosly bad choices over the last few months and its lead her to here. She wanted to talk more but I had to go i was going to my parents for dinner. Am i crazy for feeling bad for her i thought i was doing well with detatchment untill these feelins startes coming forward. She wants to get together and talk sometime soon should i agree to get together?
what do you feel towards her?
I think it is a good opportunity for you to be a new man
There is another thing ive been stuggling with... that is my sex drive is getting the best of me. Ive been dipping my feet into the online dating pool. I realize its not the best idea because i often find myself feeling worse after talking/chatting with the girls i meet on there. I guess im curious if others have come up with a goos way to handle the sexual urges.
what do you feel towards her?
I think it is a good opportunity for you to be a new man
I sometimes miss her wish we could go back in time and fix things before she met this OM. but I feel a bit on the fence. Somedays i feel like i deserve better. I did give her a hug when she told and said im there for her if she needs me.
What do you mean its a good oportunity to be a new man?
i am really not too caught up on your situation, but I am assuming there are things that she say about you that led her to want to find OM. true or not, but i have learned during all of this that we all have some faults in our M not working.
So i meant it will be a good chance for her to see you in a different light again. That is if you are even interested in some day reconciling.
as long as you did some work on yourself .
As far as the urges, I feel you on that. I do not have an answer either! I feel exactly the same after i meet and talk to some females. It is fun during the time but then the next day is awful. I can't pull myself to try and set something up because it does not feel right.
I have no clue why I am so hard on myself about this, I think in the back of my mind it will hurt chances of me and W working. Stupid, i know but just where i am now.
Thanks OTW for the reaponce. There are obviosly places where i let her down in order to send her down the path she went down. At the same time i do beleive i need her support in fixing some of those issues. Ive tried working on my listening and communication skill. She was always concerened i didnt give her enough emotional attention i can give more in that area but i feel i will need some help in other areas taking care of her/her being more independent in order for me not to burn out and crash like i have in the past. I do think i would like to reconcile if she is truely interested in that and had cut contact with other man which i highly doubt is the case at this point since they work together. I guess ill meet up with her when shes asks to talk wnd hear her out.
I guess i should just be there for her as a ear to listen if she calls and wants to chat.
I guess i should just be there for her as a ear to listen if she calls and wants to chat.
At the same time i do beleive i need her support in fixing some of those issues. Ive tried working on my listening and communication skill.
Im a little confused. Why do you need her help to fix that? You can learn how to listen and communicate with family, friends, coworkers, and random people on the street. What do you need her for?
I guess i should just be there for her as a ear to listen if she calls and wants to chat.
To some extenet. But remember that she FIRED you from the job of being her emotional support. So, I think listen + validate, but not more than you would with a casual acquaintance. I wouldnt go out of your way to make sure she knows how emotionally invested you are in her right now.
Guess i should journal a bit to catch everyone up to speed on where Im at. So my WW has been out of the house for something like 20 day now. It kinda nice and life just seems that much easier with her out of the house. It helps me to realize how much she didnt help out around the house and how much effort i put into taking care of her without getting anything in return. This are going well for the excanges of S1.5 she ended up picking up an extra hour at work and now works longer then me so now me picking up S early enough is a moot point. I have continued with my re-arranged work schedule as i was enjoying the extra time with him and it hasnt realy effected my work at all. If anything im getting more done cause im in early those days. The times when i have S i have been doing very well feeling good getting stuff done around the house and all. Unfortunatly time without s1 i have been feeling lonely and like i said earlier i have been dealing with that going on dating websites and such. Again maybe its just too soon for that as it always makes me feel guilty or more lonely after a bit of time passes. Anyway that is enough rambling for now think ill try to stay more active on here see if that helps with the lonelyness
Ive been dipping my feet into the online dating pool. I realize its not the best idea because i often find myself feeling worse after talking/chatting with the girls i meet on there.
So what is your goal in talking to these women?
What is your goal overall?
Do you think talking to these other women is getting you closer to your goal of reconciling with W?
Also, do these other women think that you are an available male? Are you?
Azz,
The support i was speaking of was with regards to me giving her more emotional attention. Ill need her to help out around the house more and be more independent in order for me to have the time and enrgy to give her that attention.
I hear ya about that next point. I just felt like shes reaching out to me for the first time in a long time. I agree though i will be careful to just listen and validate.
Thanks for your feedback Azz hope things are going well with you and your new love interest.
So what is your goal in talking to these women?
What is your goal overall?
Do you think talking to these other women is getting you closer to your goal of reconciling with W?
Also, do these other women think that you are an available male? Are you?
Im not sure what my goal talking to other women. Maybe my brain is moving further and further away from wanting to or beleiving that i can work things out with the WW. I guess maybe im trying to see how the playing feild looks. Im not 100% sure.
I think my goal is still reconsiliation but im having my doubts these days and losing hope.
Talking to the other women has made me realize that there are certain attributes my WW has that i will have a tough time finding in other woman. However at the same time its made me realize there are certain atributes i need my wife to have that would be very easy to find elsewhere.
I have been honest with any of the women i chatted with about my situation. I suppose im not availible but my wife did tell me one time she wouldnt blame me if i was to start seeing another gal.
Im just a bit confused right now need to get some direction in my life.
"Im just a bit confused right now need to get some direction in my life."
Talking to other women to get an ego stroke is not the way to get "direction".
"Im just a bit confused right now need to get some direction in my life."
Talking to other women to get an ego stroke is not the way to get "direction".
Not i know its not the way to get direction and i realize its not where i should be putting my focus. I been thinking alot today and i think i need to get back to basics.
Get A Life
Detach
Have No Expectations
Beleive Nothing
Take Care Of Me (breath eat sleep exercise)
To be clear the intent wasnt to have my ego stroked it was to see whats out there for me if my R goes the way of the doedoe bird. I realize now its not the right approach here.
"Im just a bit confused right now need to get some direction in my life."
Talking to other women to get an ego stroke is not the way to get "direction".
Not i know its not the way to get direction and i realize its not where i should be putting my focus. I been thinking alot today and i think i need to get back to basics.
Get A Life
Detach
Have No Expectations
Beleive Nothing
Take Care Of Me (breath eat sleep exercise)
To be clear the intent wasnt to have my ego stroked it was to see whats out there for me if my R goes the way of the doedoe bird. I realize now its not the right approach here.
I have been doing the same thinking today. I think I felt everything was hopeless so see what is out there. Not my best choice. I like the back to basics. Took the words out of my mouth.
I forgot one thing have patience lots and lots of patience!
Back to basic starts tonight back to ths gym for the first time since christmas. Its amazing i havent gained 10-20 lbs im holdind strong at 188ish target is 183 then get ripped bruce lee style.
As far as your W saying she wouldn't blame you if you looked for another W, don't believe it. That was her way of making her feel better about her choices. And if you would follow through it would give her justification. Don't fall for that bait.
Thanks mvgfwd makes total sence.
Just an update:
I am doing well staying posative. Work is a freaking sh!tshow right now its so busy so that definitly helps keep my mind off things. I have done 4 swimming classes with s1.5 its nice to do something like this wth him beats staying in and chilling in the house. If recomend it to anyone whos looking for something to do with their little one. Its a swim class where parent and child go in pool together because the little one is too small to swim on their own. Its good bonding time for parent child IMO. Wife also came over to talk about her pregnency and "taking care of it". I just basically said that must have been a very difficult time and asked if she thought it might be a good idea to see s IC she said yes. We did talk a bit about our R but it was same old re-hashing of old convos and getting nowhere at all. Dont know why i even bothered engauging in convo about us. Maybe I should have just said in not inferested in talking about those things right now. Anyways thats my update for now hope all is well with everyone who follows my thread. Ill post again soon.
She was saying its selfish of me to want to be there for him because she thinks he should spend as much time the the 2 of us as possible.
I guess i should just be there for her as a ear to listen if she calls and wants to chat.
The support i was speaking of was with regards to me giving her more emotional attention. Ill need her to help out around the house more and be more independent in order for me to have the time and enrgy to give her that attention.
These statements were taken from your posts in this thread. I'm going to be very blunt with you. She is not going to be the W you want or need. Why? B/c she is the entitled princess and you are the commoner who is there to serve her. Until that dynamic changes, you will never have her respect or her desire for you.
You admit to being a nice guy. The problem I'm seeing is that you seem proud of it. You aren't working on your nice-guy issues b/c you don't understand why a woman wouldn't want a nice guy. Nice-guy types makes good friend material. He is the guy that woman loves like a brother. But sexual desire and respect? Forget it.
Btw, was it your baby or OM's baby? And you felt sorry for her b/c she made the decision to abort it?
Have you even read the little book no more mr. nice guy?
Hey sandi thanks for stoping in and lending some blunt but nessecary advice.
Its not my baby it was OMs. I feel sorry that our relationship failed and she has led her life down such i self destructive path. I know its probably wrong to feel sorry for her i just feel that way dont know how to make that feeling go away.
I do realize I have nice guy syndrome and i have read the book and tried to make changes for the better. I think it might be worth re-reading though and taking some notes i can look back at for future referance. I dont want to be an a$$hole either and sometimes that is the way i feel like i am acting while trying to break nice guy behavior.
Anyways one other note of interest. OM that wife works with is likely transfering to a different location and will soon no longer be working at the same place as my wife. I suppose this will help with NC part or working on M if we ever get there.
"I know its probably wrong to feel sorry for her "
Why is it wrong to feel sorry for her? There's nothing wrong with feeling compassion towards someone you care about.
"I know its probably wrong to feel sorry for her "
Why is it wrong to feel sorry for her? There's nothing wrong with feeling compassion towards someone you care about.
I dono why i think its probably wrong. I guess om thinking thats being too nice to her. I dont what right or wrong to feel.
Journaling: I had a great night last night out playing volleyball. Learning how to play 6-2 system which is fun. Then we had a bite to eat after and some good conversation.