Well I survived Christmas. No contact at all with H. I guess I was hoping he would at least text Merry Christmas. The good things is I didn't sit around and wait for it.
I just realized that 2016 is Leap Year, so ladies this is our year!
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Hi, Beckyb. I think a lot of us were hoping that WH would text but what I saw in your post is that you didn't sit around and wait for it, so for me you are detaching from H pretty well. We have been at our worst this year. Surely 2016 can't be worse than now :-)
Headed out of town for a few days away and my basement floods! STBX is dealing with it and he's not happy. Whyv do I feel bad? It's still his house too.
OMG I want this divorce over with. H is such a self-centered jerk.
Becky, I am glad you are detaching! I hope you are doing something fun for New Years Eve! How is the basement?
I think basement is good. I hired a clean up crew sight unseen since i am out of town. And paid a fortune.
My sister's and I are going to a concert at the Ryan Auditorium in Nashville tonigh!
I'm not really detached. Just fed up and hurt.
How are? When does your H leave?
Life is a constant mixed blessing. I just got back from a fun few days with my sisters and even managed to get a water cleanup company to take care of my west basement while I was gone. H tried to vacuum up the water but couldn't keep up with. (He was most concerned about salvaging his stuff.)
Got home and saw the H move my car out the garage and left it. Went to move it in the garage and it started making a loud noise and shaking and says "Service Stabilitrack" Ugh.
Dealership is closed and I'm pretty sure I shouldn't drive it.
So I'm stranded with my kitty and barely any food. And there is a boil order for water in my area. Good thing I have some bottles in the garage. At least my house did not completely flood like so many others. And I had great people taking care of Bailey and she didn't pee anywhere. Thank you Lord!
Wow Becky, you sound very positive for someone stranded in such an annoying situation.
Do you have friends in the area who can give you a ride or help you out with some food?
Gmumm I have lots of friends and family to help but I'm ok for tonight. I should be able to get the car to the shop tomorrow. It's more of an aggravation than anything.
More good news. The carpet in the basement almost completely dry.
I will survive!
Oh, Becky. I'm really inspired by you, and the fact you seem to be making the most of an awful situation. I'm in a rough place right now. It seems like I make progress, and then start sliding back downhill. Maybe it's that I don't want to make it to the top, because when I reach the top is when I've completely let H go.
I'm reaching the end of my rope. I can't do this much longer. I so desperately wanted to save the M. It also looks like that is the ONE THING I will not be able to accomplish.
I need to answer the questions: "What am I going to do?" "Where am I going to go?" Maybe then I can move forward some. I just keep waiting on some miracle to happen. If I give up waiting on the miracle, does that mean I'm doubting God and what he can do? I hope not. But I'm having a hard time finding the balance between faith, and facing reality....as well as the crushing disappointment that things are likely not going to turn out the way I hoped.
Please keep posting, Becky. I find a lot of comfort in your faithfulness and practicality.
Anc- I too had such hope and faith all last year and I am now doubting again How do we look beyond our circumstances when they are all consuming? When we "let go and let God" is that letting go of our hopes and what we want or how we want things to work out? I have such a struggle wrapping my mind around the fact that God would what us to go through so much pain? Then I think- is it me that is putting myself through this pain? If I could just let go of H then I wouldn't feel this deep pain. But then I would be giving up on our M?
Ancaire, I can relate to your faith question. I most of the time I don't pray that God will save my marriage because I don't want to get my hopes up. I believe God hates divorce and he could do a miracle. But I know my H has free will and he is choosing this path. Most of the time a I pray that my H will repent regardless of what that means for my marriage. I know that God can bring beauty from ashes and I pray for enough to faith to act on it. I don't know what my next steps should be and where I should live so I pray that God will reveal my next next.
Here's the bottom line for all of us who are Believers. If we say we trust God with our future we need to act accordingly.
And I am not as confident and together as I sound. It's a daily struggle. I know OW is back in her state and probably pretending to reconcile with H. But I also know she and H are still in an EA and probably planning a future together. I found an empty shipping box where she recently sent something to H. On the return address she used her first name and my H's last name. So I laid on my living room floor and cried for a few minutes.
I sent my settlement proposal to H's lawyer last week. L was on vacation. Monday or Tuesday H should see it. We have a court scheduled attorney conference on Jan 11 and a hearing in February. I expect to be divorced by March, 9 months after BD. Unbelievable but nothing I can do about it.
Judy, remember God hates what is happening to your marriage but he also wants you to be safe, healthy and happy. He will provide a way. Hang in there.
Going to the grocery store is so depressing...
What I tended to do when I went grocery shopping, was to buy something new or something I fancied and my grumpy mood would lift straight away!
Ancaire, I think the key is to focus without focusing.
Yes, you are focused on saving the marriage. But nothing you do should be a direct try to change your H or save the R. You do what you need for yourself to grow, and occasionally check back.
I personally think constant focus is too stifling and counterproductive to DBing, but I would like to hear if anyone disagrees. I think the point of detaching is to allow for moments of inattention, where we focus on our own needs instead of what is needed for the marriage to succeed. This is scary because our needs might not match what our spouses want, but if we don't address that now it will only delay an eventual divorce. The idea for us is to know what we want, then present them to our spouses. If they can't fulfill our needs, screw them (not literally of course).
This, I think, is the key to a lasting relationship. Bombdrop or not, we need to know and express our needs to our partners so that both can be happy
Rouky, I am starting Weight Watchers tomorrow so I will have to focus on healthy stuff. Unfortunately I've been buying a lot of stuff I fancy lately and I'm starting to gain weight.
I really miss cooking for my husband. I am feeling so lonely these last couple of days and the reality of my divorce is really setting in. It's going to be a rough 2016.
Becky, I agree that grocery shopping is depressing. Cooking for 1 stinks. Everything I buy reminds me of my sitch.
2016 will be tough, but we can make it better than 2015. It's an uphill climb, but the view is going to be so much better up there!
Ok, I'm feeling really irrational and fighting an urge to anonymously mail a copy of DR to OW's H. What is wrong with me? I was doing so well.
In other news H is not communicating at all.
Happy New Year, Becky!!
Sounds like me. I have been having random and fleeting crazy thoughts. I think for me it has to do with getting closer to D being finalized. Like last minute anxiety that maybe I need to take action to try and change what looks to be a fairly certain outcome at this stage. Mostly mine are thoughts to reach out to H, but then I think better of it. He knows where I am and has plenty of reason to be contacting me. He is also not communicating at all, which I find strange given that we probably need to start going through seperating household items. I even packed up some of his things last time he stayed to watch the dog, but he left it.
Wishing you strength, health, and happiness this next year.
Congrats on starting Weight Watchers.
I think my H must have my settlement proposal now. He has not communicated since Friday morning, completely ignoring a message about mail that he would have responded to.
After talking to my DB coach yesterday I sent a message saying his L has the proposal and to contact me if he would like to discuss anything. Silence.
I have a feeling this is going to get ugly and expensive. I need support to hold it together and act with confidence, grace and mercy.
I'm here for you, Becky! I'll stop what I'm doing and say a prayer for you right now.
Thank you Judy. You are so kind. I am just a mess right now. I can't focus on anything and I feel hopeless. I now there is a better future out there. I just wish I could see it.
That's the hardest thing, right? Coming to grips with being in a position you never asked for, and trying to see into the future with the uncertainty you're feeling at the moment?
You only have today, Becky. Just keep your focus on the here and now, and what you can actually do in the moment. It's when I try and look too far ahead that I actually panic.
When I prayed for you today, I got a really good blessing. I think it was just God saying, "I got this." He can create something wonderful from what seems like just ashes to us. I know that, firmly believe it, and am counting on it.
Amazing. A friend of mine always says God's got this. And I know he does.
Amazing. A friend of mine always says God's got this. And I know he does.
You are in my prayers too Becky.
Thanks ladies. I need to turn the focus back to me and revisit my goals. And get focus of H and OW. But you gals will appreciate this. OWs husband just announced his plan to retire next year, told a friend he was staying in NJ because family member (OW) is sick, and talking about a cruise with OWs mom. Yet she and H are still in contact. Who is playing whom, I wonder.
Ok,New goal:stop snooping. Really, FB is a treasure trove.
Yeah yeah, I know you were just on my thread and caught me snooping, so I am the last person who should advise you on this, but you are deeply watching them all and you are making this so hard on yourself.
Next time you get the urge, what can you do, what ACTION can you take to stop yourself?
You are going to start to feel so much better if you can pull yourself away from their mess. Until he comes to you, you need to wrap yourself in your own world cocoon.
You can do this!
Thank you! I completely agree. I feel like an addict. I did really well for a while but I'm sucked back in. Each time I want to go the page I need to remind myself I need to be all about me. Not about them. H was given no indication he's coming around. He told me and others that his leaving me has nothing to do with her. (only partially true). The divorce is coming very quickly - maybe next month. I. must. move. on.
FYI, I do a lot of GAL and overall am functioning pretty well. I think the stress of the impending divorce and the uncertainty of the settlement has pushed me over the edge.
I agree. Having that come barreling down at you would cause anyone to stumble. Well, not if they were the one wanting it...LOL
You know what I mean. No more snooping. That's our new law. It does us no favors, and keeps us too attached to our H's.
I wish I lived closer, Becky. I'll be here, virtually though. You've got great family. You have a DB counselor. You're a woman of faith and integrity. Go do something fun! Get a manicure, pedicure, massage. What's stopping you?
When H and I first split up, I took every opportunity to check his phone, IPad, computer. Checked his pockets, etc.
One day it finally dawned on me that if I found something it would only hurt me. I couldn't stop him if he wanted to be with someone else. Out of my control. I have spent nights alone at his place and have not snooped at all. Trust me it's hard, but better in the long run.
Judy, Well right now money is stopping me. I have spent A LOT of money on me in the last 6 months, including a pair of Lucesse boots this weekend! Some people numb the pain with alcohol. I numb with shopping. Oh what fun I've had, but it's time to stop.
I have a feeling my D is about to get expensive.
I do wish we could all have party or share FB pages or something. Oh well.
Di, I wish this site have a Like button.
a pair of Lucesse boots this weekend!
Nice!!
Today I finally broke down and got an anti depressant but I'm really nervous about it. I'm just tired of feeling like this. I am exercising, trying to eat well, journaling, praying, taking supplements. But I'm still depressed. And since are not finally starting negotiations it's not likely to get better soon.
My doctor prescribed a low dose of Effexor. She said it's good for depression and overall mood and shouldn't make me gain weight. Like all ADs there are potential side effects. She also said I will need to be on it 6-12 months minimum. I hate that has come to this and I'm so danged mad at H for driving me to it. Ironically it's the same AD he takes.
I'm also bummed that it doesn't mix well with wine. Boo.
I take my first dose tonight. Wish me luck.
Becky - the AD will likely help with you feeling down. That'll make it worthwhile. I'm sorry that you're not happy about it. Sometimes we all need a little help. I'm beyond grateful there is something out there that helps!!! I've never heard of the brand you're taking, but mine is strong stuff, meant for people who never stop having problems. Yeah, me. Even when I take it, which I do, every day for years, I can still get depressed. I'd hate to see me without it. Seriously. I bet it would be awful.
I'm wishing you luck, but I really think you'll start feeling better, and will be glad you got it. I'm convinced your H is an idiot. I wouldn't leave you! You sound like a lot of fun.
Congrats on the boots! What color did you go with? Any embroidery? I love boots!!!
Here they are. They are pretty basic as far as Lucceses go but I love them. And a good pair of boots are so comfortable.
https://www.lucchese.com/shop/boots/grace/M5004.S54 I wish you could see my FB page. My profile is a picture mine and my two sisters boots. We stood with our toes together. It's a really cool photo. We had fun honky tonking in them.
You are right. I am fun! I have a lot of flaws but I am loyal and smart. I'm a good cook and gardener. I throw a great party. I have pretty blue eyes and great hair. And I love the Lord. (whew, I feel better now)
I stuck with this man through so much trauma and drama. I still can't fathom that he thinks our life was so bad that what he has not is better. He is so lost, and he is definitely and idiot!
I like the boots! You can use those for a lot of things. I like the newer, heavily decorated ones - but you're kind of stuck just using them for "dressy events". These will do both!
Thanks for the picture...I really, really love boots. One goal on my bucket list is to start saving when I get a job, so that I can buy myself a pair of Frye's - the boot equivalent of Louboutin's! Have you heard of them?
Frye's are great. Don't have a pair yet. I have about 6 pairs of boots. I'm back.
Bad experience with AD so far. Awake all night, headache, nausea. I sure hope this subsides. I'm definately not depressed enough to deal with this.
Update: I have been posting here and there for a while but here is an update on my situation.
My H and his L have my proposal. H is still submitting accurate financial information. Our court dates were cancelled due to the judge's schedule and likely won't happen until early March. So,unfortunatley there is no sense of urgency for H.
I have no idea what his response will be, or when but I'm really ok no matter what. Unless the judge is completely crazy the worst-case scenario will still be tolerable, though hard to swallow. I'm no longer stressing about it. It is out of my hands now. And God has always provided more than enough for me.
I am dreading the whole legal process, selling a house, filing taxes and all that stuff. Can't wait for it to be over.
I accept that my marriage is over. I don't think any amount of DBing will change that. My goal is to get through this with grace and mercy.
My feelings toward H are mixed. I am disappointed, puzzled and sometimes angry at what he has done. I also feel sorry for him. He is not happy, he is not healthy. He is very far from God. I pray for him and I pray that I will be able to forgive.
This weekend is the 1 year anniversary of his father's death. Today I sent him a text saying I was praying for him as he deals with this. No agenda. No ulterior motive. He said Thank You.
I've been gaining insight into a lot of other things in my life that I will start to share. From now on my updates will be in Surviving the Big D.
Becky, thank you for sharing your update. I hope you get a lot of support on the Surviving the Big D section, will be thinking about you and praying for peace and healing for you.
Thanks Fo. And I will keep tabs on folks here.
Ah, Becky - I feel your pain. My D date is fast approaching. We're just ironing out the details.
I ordered the book you recommended. It is helpful, and I'm getting some good insight. It just feels so hopeless now. Everyone in those groups? Husband is gone forever. I still had a tiny little ember of hope that is getting harder and harder to keep lit.
More processing to do, I guess. Thanks for the update! I've been thinking of you.
Thanks Ancaire. I am beginning to realize that even with my marriage there is a great deal of hope in my life. There is for you too.