Hello forum
Im not sure how to write this all down. Im seperated from my wife im not sure how you time it. We sold our house to get out of debt and i went and got my own place to live
I respecting her request to be left alone and i went 3wks until she came to my unit. We did stuff together and txted while she was on school camp. When she returned about 10 days ago i got i dont know what i want and to be left alone. Im respecting that and im struggling as its my first xmas alone.
I do want to save my marriage. Ive been getting counselling/coaching and my w has shown interest in what is discussed and what im learning
Ive been doing the 180 list and im GAL and setting goals for next year
My counsellor has suggested that i remain faithful and loyal until something has been decided either way. I dont want a divorce and would like to have a better relationship. I know it takes two to make it
My mantra everyday is im only responsible for my own actions . My wife has commented on noticing changes in my behaviour and attitude.
Its hard to know what to do when its radio silence .
I think i need to maintain no contact so i dont look needy or begging or argue
Thank you
Brad
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I just purchased divorce remedy off the link it takes 10 days to get here
Thank you
G'Day Brad ( sorry, I couldn't help myself. I actually do a lot if business in OZ),
Merry Christmas!! I know it might not seem so Merry right now. Sorry you found yourself here, but all considered, it is a great place to be with wonderful people who will be here to support you. This entire process really stinks and it is going to be a long haul, so patience will be key. It may be a bit quiet considering it is the holidays, so you might not get a ton of other replies until Monday.
In the meantime, start reading through all of the links that Cadet sent you and jeep posting. The best advice I have is to stay focused on yourself right now. So what are those goals that you have set? Also, tell us more about what your W has said are her issues with you and your M?
Hang in there!
Also, it would be helpful if you create a signature with your details for easy reference for others who follow you...your age, W ages, years M, kids, etc. You can create sig under My Stuff up at the top of the board.
Its hard to say i know communication was an issue there was a lot of arguing in the end. Most of it was about issues built up over time so it never got resolved
She hasn't really explained anything she has been on and off since we sold our house and organised our own living arrangements
When i go to counselling she always asks me what we talk about and issues im working on for myself
When i see or talk to her theres no anger and she will say things like she notices changes in my behaviour and misses me and im a good guy. The last time we talked she said she needed things to go slow and then she didn't know if she could do this ?
I acknowledged her statement and agreed to leave her be until she decides to talk to me
I think an i need to work on detachment and work on not trying to fix her issues im getting better at looking after my own behaviour. Thats something i can control i act happy when she sees me i haven't asked about our relationship or future. She hasn't mentioned divorce its all very up in the air
My counsellor has given me good feedback about progess she can see and has told me to focus on me that ive told my wife i want us to work and now its time to just work on goals for the future and if she wants me then i need to set boundaries so i dont go backwards on my learning and changes
Brad
There are other issues i think " friends" and family have there advise and it just makes things harder
A goal I've set in counselling is to remain commited to our marriage until something is finalized. Its time to work on me and GAL.
The counselling has helped me learn from my mistakes and if i cant reconcile i can use my learning on my next relationship and set boundaries to what im willing to accept
I made it thru christmas i didnt contact her i did have a bit of a cry missing the stuff we used to do yes blokes do have feelings too!
I think im going to have to accept i told her i wanted to work on our marriage and let it go
I didnt contact her for 3 weeks then she came to my new unit for dinners and overnight stays and more has thrown me i didnt discuss R i just went with the flow, the stupid thing is she initiated all the hugs and kisses while i was tryingnot to overwhelm
I think this has set me back i have my IC appt on monday ill run it past her
I think im going to have to maintain no contact for my wellbeing
I think that will give her space will prevent me making things worse or appear im pushing her or being needy
Its good to be involved in a community that gets it all my friends dont get it and throw in all the usual cliches of plenty of fish blah blah blah.
I think i need to focus on my issues and if we dont work out ill be in a better place for the future , lll at least know i remained committed and tried
Brad
I
Welcome to the board, Brad, and Merry Christmas. I think you are off to a good start.
Yes, this is the best place to get support. People in real life don't want to see you hurting and will push you for an easy answer- an easy way out. DB'ing is hard work, but you will be better off in the end because you will have worked on your own issues and not bring them into your next relationship- whether it is with your W or someone else. Hang in there, there is hope, you are doing well so far. I am sorry that you are dealing with this on Christmas.
I took a day out with my girls yesterday.
I had my IC today and set some goals for 2016
Im commited to my marriage and have decided to remain loyal & faithful until its decided either way as thats part of my beliefs & ideals
Ive decided im going to process a divorce come july (1yr ) if nothing happens
Im going to stick to my 180s and keep detaching and getting a life
Im not going to pursue my W ive commited to counselling and expressed a desire to have a better marriage im aware i cant make someone commit or love me its a choice and commitment
Im growing and aware of my boundaries and my own actions and my counsellor thinks im going to be better prepared for reconciliation & if not then take that into the future .
Its been a learning curve i can see where i was needy and insecure at the start of seperation and let emotions dictate my actions. The periods of no contact and counselling have helped me see things from afar. I made mistakes and wore the constant blame and now i can see i made mistakes, got help and leant its not all my fault.
2015 has been a crappy year but im moving foreard and im would like my W to be part of my life but i can see i dont need her to complete me.
Brad.k
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hello Brad,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You mentioned that you are going to stick with your 180s and keep detaching and GAL. What does that specifically look like?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
"Going dark is the chance to work on you and to allow the spouse that left you to go through the journey they need to go through. If you start butting into that when they have made it clear that they don't want to be with you, then you come off as someone who is not honoring their request. You are short-circuiting the journey they have to go through to work out what is going on inside themselves."
I cut this out of the going dark thread and added this as part of my journalling.
This is my process right now. She asked for space and stated she doesnt know what she wants so i think going dark shows ive taken it on board and it lets her process her own thoughts.
Well GAL involves getting more active
Ive joined a gym to work on fitness and ive lost about 10kgs since this all started.
Its a great feeling to wear all those nice clothes i had that stopped fitting me and i look in the mirror and feel happy with how im looking
I went horse riding with my daughters that was a first and i loved it we are going again
Ive been going to meet ups to get out and about and socialising. Sometimes i have to force myself to go when im a bit down about things.
Im watching less tv and listening to more music which i stopped doing while married as my W didnt like it. Thats something im really enjoying and mskes me feel a little like my self is coming back
It's nearly new year I'm glad 2015 is nearly over
I can't stop thinking of all the good stuff that we did together. This time last year we were packing ready to go to Hawaii. I know there was issues i thought we could make things better with commitment communication and time.
I haven't had contact for 3 weeks now and I'm not forcing or pursuing it
I'm commited to us if it is possible I'm know you can't make someone do anything that they don't want to.
A year ago at this time my partner and I had just come back from Hawaii. And we went again this summer to celebrate her birthday. It seems like so much of the year was celebrating her big 60. Until she decided to start celebrating with someone else. I too thought we could get better this year, but I guess I didn't realize what was really going on. It's hard to know, when your partner stuffs her feelings, it just feels so unfair. I had no idea there was even a possibility that someone else could come along and get between us. Three days before I found out, I told a friend that we were having some problems. She asked, could there be someone else? I said no, absolutely not. Turns out, I was wrong. I was wrong about so much. We have had almost no contact in 10 days. I want to text, I want to call, I want to do something. I don't even know what stage of DBing I'm in. Confused. Sorry to vent on your post, it's just that it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I'm glad 2015 is almost over too. A year to forget.
It's so easy to blame your partner for your own unhappiness
I can see know that I can only control my own actions and I'm responsible for my own happiness.
I don't know if my partner is MLC or depressed she won't go get counselling or help maybe it's easier to blame me then deal with issues
Why am I even analysing all this at least I'm not crying I kind of feel like I'm standing on the outside looking in
Hi NYgal
I've been following your thread I like the bit about having fun it's easy to have fun with some one new they don't have any responsibilies or history to drag them down
You know things like repairs bills car accidents sickness renovations debt I could be the life of the party to with out all the commitments
It's like they are in Disneyland or denial about how things work
Just like you I'm looking at some meetup to meet new people and maybe work on my shyness in new social settings
My counsellor keeps telling me I'm learning and growing and that I have a lot of positives I just need to start believing in myself like when we first started dating
I'm just journaling here
Like I said this time last year we were packing for Hawaii and for a Xmas present as a suprised she bought me a tour of pearl harbour because she knew it was something I always wanted to do as a kid that shows love and now I don't even know her anymore
It's like they are in Disneyland or denial about how things work
My counsellor keeps telling me I'm learning and growing and that I have a lot of positives I just need to start believing in myself like when we first started dating
My W even said there are 8000 reasons why a relationship with that other person won't work. But believe nothing that you hear, right?
A friend reminded me that I'm still that person she fell so in love with 9 years ago. The affair fog must be so thick.
I'm just journaling here
Like I said this time last year we were packing for Hawaii and for a Xmas present as a suprised she bought me a tour of pearl harbour because she knew it was something I always wanted to do as a kid that shows love and now I don't even know her anymore
We went to Pearl Harbor too. I think it was the day after Xmas. I don't even know her anymore either. Who abducted these women we love???
I'm just journaling here
Like I said this time last year we were packing for Hawaii and for a Xmas present as a suprised she bought me a tour of pearl harbour because she knew it was something I always wanted to do as a kid that shows love and now I don't even know her anymore
It's crazy isn't it Imlucky. I sit bewildered at things H did this year too and it makes me feel like he was pretending for a long time before BD. My H bought me the most gorgeous anniversary gift ten days before announcing he didn't love me anymore and we were closer on our holiday three weeks before BD than we'd been for a long time. That I'm sitting here alone now just doesn't make sense.
I think because New Years Eve is a time for reflection and resolution we are all really struggling in these awful situations we find ourselves in.
Well i had a brief conversation with W after 3 weeks
She tells me i need to move on and that when we talk it upsets her and she feels like shes never going to be free.
I acknowldged her feelings and she did respond that she knows im open to R and counselling . I thanked her for acknowledging that.
I guess my only option now is to just keep dark and moving on. To be a better person and to learn from my mistakes. Living apart has helped me see how neediness can be a unappealing quality.
I really dont know what she is thinking anymore it is like there is a no connection anymore.
Its hard to remain postive when it seems hopeless. I guess at the moment its she chose separation as an answer to suit her needs and wants and walked away. She managed to blame me for everything that was wrong in our marriage and her life. I also got the re write of our marriage focusing on negatives, all the positive and my good points seem to be forgotten/lost.
I really thought we could work through issues and be a better couple. I knew we needed help i asked to go to counselling/coaching together.
I read sometime they come back after youve let go and i think if i get to that stage i wont be there. The gap just seems to get wider the less contact we have. Maybe that what detaching is. The ability to clearly be unaffected by the other persons actions or words. Its the ability to have no emotions tied into it.
I dont need her to complete me or make me happy. I did want her to share my life and be a team, that we had something great before we got bogged down with everything compounded by our lack of communication and inability to resolve issues.
Hey Imlucky,
Just stopping in to commiserate with you. This whole thing [censored]. My wife is moving on without me also. I don't know the definition of detachment exactly, as its being revealed slowly every day more and more. I started yesterday trying to force myself to not keep checking up on whatever small things I can online looking at my W. (Facebook, email, match.com profile, etc...)
I remembered today some things that happened back when we were still together. How there was one day when we riding in the car all together as a family and my wife just broke down in tears all of a sudden in the car. At the time I knew it was weird...but didn't understand. Now, I think it was probably a pretty clear indicator that she was doing something and having some kind of affair at the time.
The more I can 'detach' (again whatever that means) the more I am slowly starting to understand that truly my W has no interest in doing or providing any type of emotional connection to me. In fact, its much worse than that. She's thrown me out, and is blaming me for her problems.
Right now, I'm trying to prepare myself for the moment when I actually see her with another man. And really, just any other possibility I can come up with where I may be hurt by her. By preparing myself...I feel like it helps me detach. I can't change how I feel about my wife...but I can change how I act and I how I respond to her. And that's what I'm trying to work on.
The first step for me, was learning just how co-dependent on her I was. And I owe that realization to this site.
You're right, and I understand exactly your feelings about the gap growing wider and wider. Its not in your control. You have to come to accept that notion. It [censored] buddy, it [censored] hard.
But you sound like a reasonable guy, you'll be okay man.
Brad,
I'm very sorry that this is happening to you. You mentioned that you sold your house and then moved into an apartment and your W moved somewhere else. Were you having problems before you sold your house? Is that why you sold your house? You also mentioned that you have kiddos, how old are they?
Is your wife with an OM?
The first thing you have to remember is not to believe anything she says and only half of what she does. Just because she is telling you to move on and that it's over, doesn't mean that it is. You can continue to work on the marriage without her. She sounds like she's confused and not really sure what she wants. That being the case, what she wants and thinks can change from day to day. You're doing the right thing by going to IC and working on yourself. That way you will be the best you that you can be whether it's to move on with your W, or to move on without her. Either way, it's a great time for you to work on yourself and make yourself happy.
It does sound like you're detaching. That is something that I haven't been successful at, but I do keep trying. As I feel myself pulling away from him (detaching), it scares me and then I seem to re-attach. I guess I'm afraid that when I detach from him, he will decide to come back and I will not want him. That's what scares me because I really don't want to move on without him. Of course, none of this seems to be about what I want...only what HE wants. I am growing very tired of that . I won't start off on that rant though!
My H also rewrote our marriage history. He has somehow blamed ME for everything that has ever happened to him in his whole life. Pretty sure he even blames me for things from before we even met. LOL. Whatever! He can rewrite all he wants I just don't argue with him because it gets me nowhere. I know what our marriage was like and he will never convince me that I'm to blame for all of this. I know I wasn't perfect, but I also know that most of this was him. I was willing to accept the blame and work on fixing things with him because that is what I do-fix things. He already has OW though and seems deep in the affair fog. He gets so upset when he's around me that he actually has panic attacks and will walk away, get in his car and leave because he just can't take the stress and anxiety. Then, of course, it's my fault and clearly I'm killing him. Sigh......
I also am doing NC with my H. Not really what I want, but he won't talk to me so I'm just going along with it and working on myself. I once went for 5 weeks without seeing him and he wanted to get back together. That lasted 12 days.
. I'm currently doing NC again and it's been 3 weeks. I know he won't contact me and I'm not sure when I will contac him. He is still with OW and that just rips my. Heart out. NC is really hard, but I am trying to GAL and stay busy. It's hardest for me when I'm home alone because I just can't turn my mind off.
I hope you're doing okay today. I'm glad you stopped by and posted on my thread. Let me know how it's going for you.
I'm posting on my thread to just get things out there
today I'm a mess i read a post that bought up stuff that has affected me and been told my wife is out on dating sites like i meant nothing
i don't know about what constitutes abuse and what is just conflict
i used to say i felt bullied or walking on eggshells. ive had the silent treatment for days, had hot coffee thrown on me and spat on, locked out of the house.theres probably more but it brings up so much pain, thinking and going in circles
i haven't told anyone this stuff except my counsellor. i always wanted to make things better and change things. a year ago we were on Hawaii and swimming and telling me she loved me and lots of fun and affection. this year its who are you?
i don't write as well as others and maybe not offering help. i just feel like damaged goods. i really loved this girl and tried so hard to make things better. ive been to counselling reading books getting out and active , then come weekends and I'm struggling.
im going to make a cuppa and just sit outside in the sun and hopefully bounce back
I'm sorry that you're having tough day. I have them myself.
Remember: No matter what she says or does, you are not damaged goods. You are a good person who is in a very difficult situation, and you're trying your best.
When a person we love chooses to walk away it makes us question our own worth, but we're still the good people we were BEFORE they walked away. No one is perfect, but we're trying, and that has to matter.
I will say that spitting on another human being is a pretty despicable act, but that reflects badly on her, not on you. At all.
Chin up, mister! I'm pulling for you.
I strongly believe in the power of distraction and self-care, and enjoying a cuppa in the sun surely fits the bill. Hang in there and try to keep yourself busy.
Brad,
I'm sorrry that you've been having a hard time. I hope you're feeling better now. If it was my post that upset you, then I'm truly sorry. It upset me when I wrote it, and I thought it wouldn't bother me so much to talk about it. I guess when something happens, it's just one event, but when you're writing about several of them and telling everyone how your life has been, it's hard to reflect on everything all at once and not be affected. I really am sorry if my post contributed to your bad day though. And, then to find out that your W is on dating websites, that's got to be hard.
I used to say I felt bullied or walking on eggshells, I've had the silent treatment for days, had hot coffee thrown on me and spat on, locked out of the house
All of those things are abusive. The silent treatment, coffee, being spat on, and being locked out are all either physical or emotional abuse. The feeling like you have to walk on eggshells happens after you've been abused. You're trying to not make her mad because you don't want her to do anything else to hurt you. It's sad that someone thinks they have he right to treat another person this way. I really hate that you have had to go through that. You didn't deserve it. No one does. Your W needs help to figure out why she thinks she has the right to do that to someone. Like you, I also feel like damaged goods. I just keep reminding myself that my H did those things to me because of HIS problems. It was about him, not about me. The same goes for you. I'm glad you're in counseling to work through everything. Hopefully your IC will help you realize that you didn't do anything to deserve that treatment, your W has problems and it was all about her problems, it had nothing to do with you. You are a caring, compassionate, loving, wonderful man and you deserve to have someone in your life that appreciates those things about you. Keep your head up, you will get through this and will find the happiness that you deserve.
Well time for an update
After no contact for 6months my wife called me and asked to meet me for dinner
The conversation was her telling me she still loves me and wants to start dating again and rebuild our relationship
Some observations from the talk are
She is happy I remained faithful and didn't sleep with another person,
She apologised for some of the things that happened
She is afraid I could end up being the one to walk
I'm still seeing a counsellor and we had started preparing for divorce I really thought she would never talk to me again my counselling had been about doing the work to heal and learn and be ready to date after things were finalised
I'm using this as a journal and a place to keep check of my progress
I'm hopeful but part of me is wary and scared of getting hurt again
Brad
I'm hopeful but part of me is wary and scared of getting hurt again
Brad
After reading your sitch I can fully understand why you would feel that way. I can't imagine going months without contact with my W. I haven't seen my W in two months but I have had
some contact. I will be following your sitch closely.
Well she came over last night and asked to stay the night
She told me she noted changes in me but she thinks it's a trick I listened to her acknowledged my part and the hurt I caused
It's all kind of surreal I don't know what this is one minute it's I'm committed to working on us to I'm confused and I don't know
And I'm here thinking I'm committed I'm not going to beg or plead I know my worth I'm a good bloke people love and like me for me
I'm not the best writer there are a lot of thoughts in my head I keep thinking I'll be ok either way with my wife or without
Hopefully it all makes sense
Cheers
Brad
time for an update a bit of journaling
after a bit over a month of seeing each other she called it quits again, she stayed on a Friday night was acting strange on the Saturday morning saying she loved me but didn't know if it was enough, then on sunday she was back on dating sites.
its taken a week to stop getting upset, she said all the right things about loving me, needing to get help to make things better and changes together.
she told me she didn't know about us and is confused. she also told me that online dating makes here feel good about herself. that she loves me but isn't sure she is in love with me, she wants butterflies and excitement.
I have done a lot of reading, journaling and coaching face to face and I realise we may love each other but we are on different pages. I think ive learnt and identified things I need to work on and she has commented on changes shes seen in my behaviour and communication
I don't want a divorce I filed yesterday as I feel I need to close that chapter, she is quite clearly angry at me about getting married and blames me that I didn't just remain as a couple ( boyfriend/girlfriend ).
I have learnt long term relationships are built on love ,commitment ,forgiveness and working on things together.that a partner doesn't make you happy that comes from within. that blaming others is a way to deflect from looking internally and discovering your own flaws and faults
I told her the door is closed for now so I can keep coaching and working on me. that I do love her and feel that there is a connection and chemistry and if she decides we can work to look me up. I wont be waiting I will be doing stuff and getting out and about. Ive joined my local lions club and been getting involved with that.
Ive read here before that divorce may not be the end and that could be true. I think that chapter needs to be closed before a new one can begin. if she did decide we had something then it would be a new beginning with out the pressure of marriage.
I know I haven't had many replies to my thread I have been reading many other stories. there are a lot of people who are learning growing and finding out what it is the want and need
some of the biggest lessons I take away is not to beg or plead someone to stay, it wont work and will push them away. go out work on yourself and learn.the other is lesson I take away is not to argue,just listen try not to fix everything sometimes its not even about you.
cheers
brad
time to change my signature as well!
Hello everyone
Well I have filled for divorce I'm just waiting for courts to process
And bam my wife ? Has visited me on the weekend asking to date and attempt to reconnect
I stopped working on saving my marriage to focusing on me i did date another woman for 6 months and that was different and I take away great memories of it
I will write more time to head of to work hopefully some veterans have some ideas or advise I'm honestly lost I stopped wanting her back then be honest and now it's back in the table
I'm concerned when the going gets tough and it will there some issues to work thru she will run again and I don't want to lose all my growth and hard work
Cheers
Maybe the vets would like to know if you plan to post regularly, or just show up a few times and leave again. IDK, it's just a thought.
I stopped working on saving my marriage to focusing on me i did date another woman for 6 months and that was different and I take away great memories of it
IMHO, when a desperate LBS stops what they see as "working on saving the M", they actually let go and drop the emotional rope they have tied around their H/W. They stop the pursuit and focus on themselves.......and GAL seriously. And, lo & behold, they stumble into what works in getting the attention and desire from the one who was ready to call it quits. If your W had any feelings whatsoever, I'm sure seeing you date the same woman for six months had some influence in her believing she was losing you.
Two things: First, make sure she is not tempt checking to see if she can still pull you away from the new lady you are dating. If that's her game, she will lose interest as soon as she feels confident you are emotionally connected to her again. If she is sincere, then she will cooperate.......and to be willing to do the necessary work. Her
attitude will tell you the truth.
Second, You need to go very, very slowly. Do not jump into bed with her. If you choose to piece the M back together, you will need professional guidance to help you both learn how to deal successfully with whatever past, current, and future issues you may face.
good morning board
Thank you sandi for a great reply
Yes it's a valid point you make I did post on other threads more so then my own
I stopped posting after my coach guided me away from the marriage and all the history to focussing on myself
In a strange twist of fate the solicitor told me the divorce was granted on Friday so I don't know if I fit here or what I'm looking at. I'm not as emiotionally tied up as i was at the start of this journey
I do take away something cadet posted about being a nice guy and its implications , I've worked a lot on dealing with my expectations and reflection, and dealing with conflict
I know Michelle's book is about divorce busting but it applies to other relationships I've noticed my daughters talk to me more and are asking to spend more time with me that's a positive change in my life
I'm not dating anyone at the moment I did date someone for nearly 6months before she decided she wasn't ready to take things further and needed time to recover from her own marriage breakdown I respected that decision,
she was a positive influence on me it's was an ego boost it was
great to just be myself and enjoy someone's company
I'm glad to hear you are doing better emotionally. It always tend to help the self esteem to have an ego boost. Everyone needs it from time to time.
Feel free to stay as long as you need support. And, I'm sure you know there is a section of divorced LBS's who support each other. I think it is fairly active, but please stay where you feel comfortable.