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abuse resources with Zelda V
Hello V,
Hope things are good in your part of the world.
Just letting you know I'm thinking of you!
Thank you Di, I think of you and your bravery and strength in making the changes you have made.
V
After studying trauma intensively, and the biology of it in particular, I now understand that my experience is PTSD.
It isn't the psychotic type of PTSD, but the numbing type.
I get the vivid frightening dreams and the nameless dread of anxiety. Sometimes so intense I can do very little thinking for days. Then it passes.
I hear WH and see his mouth ranting and shouting, I see his body intimidating. It isn't his voice though just some spectre and I hear only the nasty unpleasant words. At night I fear him coming in the house.
There was a tv show called twin peaks in which a creepy man called Bob climbed into Laura Palmer's bedroom. It's like that and sometimes I hear a car, a door or the wind and I am afraid of the creepy man. Someone one said I looked a little like Sheryl Lee and it's obviously on my mind. The resemblance is slight.
I can not remember WH face at all, and I destroyed all the photos of him so I am reducing the memory as much as l can.
I realise I just get through each day, one day at a time. That's all I do, nothing more than that.
Some random man paid me a compliment and I looked to see who he was talking about.
I look in the mirror and don't see myself, just a stranger looking back. I know the stranger, she is familiar but unfamiliar at the same time.
This phase is a phase referred to as restructured memory and is part of healing. It's the mind forgetting and also trying to remember.
The answer is to observe the body and thoughts, like flotsam floating down the river. It can't hurt me as long as I stay aware it's just my mind doing the necessary stuff.
I am learning about eye movement therapy, EMDR and that has some fascinating implications.
A double blind study was done on the effects of massage on well being in trauma. In some cases it's as effective as ADS and anti anxiety meds which dont help much with PTSD. Even CBT is contra indicated as is early debriefing, which appears to embed traumatic damage. Mainly after single event traumas.
The kind of numbing trauma of abuse is more like being in a battle zone day after day for a civilian. My PTSD is classified as mild although that's not how it seems to me when I am in the midst of a reaction.
I don't think of WH much at all any more although I have the constant dread and anxiety. Sometimes strongly and sometimes weakly. Good news is my thoughts aren't audio hallucinations (appearing to be sounds outside my head).
Triggers can set off weeks of cycling which settle eventually. And they are my own thoughts.
It's referred to as hyper vigilance or being in a constant state of alarm or alert posture. It is also unlikely I will be able to function in an involved R because of it, at least for a long time.
As this isn't FOO related it's much harder to resolve. FOO issues generally resolve by nurturing of the self.
I am beginning to cry again occasionally, also good as the numbness dissipates.
I want to reach a stage of being unafraid of WH, of what he will do, say or if he will emerge. I want him to move on quickly and quietly. I want him far away with his Maggotroni in a foreign land where I never have to see him. I want his R to succeed so the courts determine his need is less and his OW income is taken into account.
My wants though and I have no control over any of it. I only can only manage me.
V
Lady V,
Thank you for sharing such personal experiences of this part of journey V. I always feel grateful when you feel you can post about about this journey you have having with the PSTD, as it allows me to give you a just a little back. I have little to offer you but my empathy for I know how this PSTD is so scarily unsettling of a person like you who has a quiet, peaceful, loving heart and mind. I wish there was more to give you through this time, but I know that my offer a love and friendship and want of peace for you enough. I would love to wrap you up in the biggest of hugs.
(((((((V)))))))
PS: When I grow up I want to be just like you... rainbow tummmy love V
V, your insights are amazing. I've currently entered a "numb" phase...even my cheeks feel numb. I wonder what this is all about? I almost feel like I've just had so much to deal with that my body is protecting me from anymore trauma by numbing me, literally, to all that is going on.
Is this possible? If so, how long does such a state continue? I don't know if I should be worried or not.
I feel like my mind is solidly in place for a change, though. For a while, I was full of racing thoughts, panic, and outright fear. I'm thinking just fine, reflecting, and planning my next moves. I'm just so numb, though. It's almost like I'm outside myself while I'm doing what I have to do. It's the weirdest feeling.
What do you think?
Yes Anc, that's PTSD.
Like out of body experience. I often bang myself and find large purple bruises but it doesn't hurt. I cut myself accidentally or burn my hand on the iron. Nothing, no pain. This comes and goes throughout life as the stress threshold is exceeded. Anc, it's completely natural and part of the body mind great mystery connection. Seems to be generated as a secondary mechanism through the adrenalin (anxiety up) cortisol (calm down) cycle.
The body is making opiates, it's natural body substance instead of getting one high it numbs. It's called endorphins and a lucky few of us generate this response because of the type of endorphin receptors we have in our bodies.
Heroin in the Brain Its Chemistry and Effects
In 1972 brain researchers from Johns Hopkins University made a puzzling discovery that would illuminate scientists' understanding of drug addiction.
They found that the human brain's neurons had specific receptor sites for opiate drugs: opium, heroin, codeine and morphine. But then there was the obvious question.
Why would nature put in our brains a receptor for a plant? After all, humans beings didn't evolve over millions of years eating opium or shooting heroin.
The scientists reasoned there must be some other function for these receptors sites. They soon figured out that the active ingredient in all these opiates - morphine - had a chemical structure similar to endorphins, a class of chemicals present in the brain . Endorphins are feel-good chemicals naturally-manufactured in the brain when the body experiences pain or stress. They are called the natural opiates of the body.
Endorphins flood the space between nerve cells and usually inhibit neurons from firing, thus creating an analgesic effect. On a lower level they can excite neurons as well. When endorphins do their work, the organism feels good, high, or euphoric, and feels relief from pain [analgesia]. Logically, endorphin levels go up when a person exercises, goes into labor, or is stressed out. Although they also seem to be triggered by stress, endorphins can do more than relieve pain, they actually make us feel good, or they create a numbing easing pain.
--------------------
So an overabundance of endorphins or sensitive receptors give us this out of body sensation. Anc it's useful in PTSD and aids recovery. I learned this today. Burn victims generate loads of this.
That's what I know Anc, so don't be afraid of it, observe and say thank you to the patron saint of genes who is looking after you. In due course you will glow with health as your body heals.
We are very lucky to have this effect.
V
Vanilla, wishing you some peace today. You are loved. Please know that. You are a guide to so many people, teaching us, leading us, thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. Thank you for being you.
Lady V,
Thank you for sharing such personal experiences of this part of journey V. I always feel grateful when you feel you can post about about this journey you have having with the PSTD, as it allows me to give you a just a little back. I have little to offer you but my empathy for I know how this PSTD is so scarily unsettling of a person like you who has a quiet, peaceful, loving heart and mind. I wish there was more to give you through this time, but I know that my offer a love and friendship and want of peace for you enough. I would love to wrap you up in the biggest of hugs.
(((((((V)))))))
PS: When I grow up I want to be just like you... rainbow tummmy love V
You make me smile, tons of rainbows.
V
In case I wasn't clear my understanding is the stress cycle is followed by the endorphin phase. The more intense the first stress cycle the more endorphins are produced and generally the longer the numb phase.
My numb phase lasts up to 5 days and I am calm throughout that phase.
V
That endorphins explains a bit now.
That's why I'm pretty sure at times I hurt physically from work and others nothing. Atm everything hurts. It it's been 40degree days. I think it must be when I'm sort of numb I just push too hard thus when things settle I'm sore and achey.
That endorphins explains a bit now.
That's why I'm pretty sure at times I hurt physically from work and others nothing. Atm everything hurts. It it's been 40degree days. I think it must be when I'm sort of numb I just push too hard thus when things settle I'm sore and achey.
Had not thought of it that way.
Will research that Gg.
V
Vanilla, wishing you some peace today. You are loved. Please know that. You are a guide to so many people, teaching us, leading us, thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. Thank you for being you.
Thank you
V
Wishing you much peace and love, V! I just dropped by to show the love and let you know I'm still here, still following you and still thinking of you and praying for you often.
V, I have a question for you. I saw you mention on another thread which I can't find now, that when FOO issues are addressed there can be a sudden shift. You know the issues with my H. His FOO issues run deep and he is in extremely deep denial, projecting all of those problems on to me. He has been in IC now for maybe 8 months? There has been some progress. I believe a lot is happening quietly as he does not talk to me. The most relevant to me and our M is that he has started setting some boundaries with his parents as to what he will and will not discuss re the marriage and me. Not 100% there yet, he still talks about me and gets "their side" but much less and much less spew.
So my question, is where is this shift? It might never happen, right?
Today we had family therapy. Only our 2nd session. Me, H and D14. The therapist told H that he had an unhealthy alliance with his parents and that set him off big time. He was so angry. She picked up on it, I said very little. So anyway, what is your opinion? Is family therapy going to help or is she pushing him too hard? I assume there is a reason why his IC is moving so slowly, but I just don't know what to think. We have 2 sessions scheduled next week before he leaves. What do you think? I am leaning towards get it all out before he leaves, but maybe there is a reason his IC is taking it slowly? Then again, maybe she is taking it too slowly? What is your opinion V?
Hey V!
Been a bit. Saw an update to a thread and thought I'd swing by and say Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas.
Things worked out for me in the end. I have an update from about a month ago on my thread.
Hope you're enjoying life!
Sherman.
Lovely V,
I have been quiet self absorbed of late, but I didn't forget your little red jeweled angel on Saturday. I also saw your post on U's thread. I have you in my thoughts and prayers. A christmas candle seems to have your name on it too, if you don't mind. Vanilla, gifted to me by a very dear friend. Maybe I can pass on the love across the planet to you, lighting it with you mind and request to the universe to provide what you need right now to lighten your path or load.
((((V)))
Much love
JellyBxxx
V, I have a question for you. I saw you mention on another thread which I can't find now, that when FOO issues are addressed there can be a sudden shift.
Mutatio thread, I believe Fo.
You know the issues with my H. His FOO issues run deep and he is in extremely deep denial, projecting all of those problems on to me. He has been in IC now for maybe 8 months? There has been some progress. I believe a lot is happening quietly as he does not talk to me.
The likelihood is that WH is still in the denial phase. FOO is a little like layers on an onion in my understanding. The first and most important realisation is to remove the skin on the onion. If that happens the individual feels very vulnerable indeed. It's unfamiliar. You can often read this on threads of those with FOO issues, there is 'leakage' with thoughts and suggestions emerging.
Sometives it is through gentle questioning that release occurs, posters have to feel safe and not judged to release and discuss their issues. They have to know they are respected, there is a great deal of shame and guilt involved.
No child is ever responsible for their ACES, although adults are responsible for recovery. This is vital Fo, absolutely it is. Your WH sounds as if he is still conditioned to behave with your ILs as if he were a child. Being out of his sitch and with low contact with MIL may help him a great deal if he continues IC. It may lead to perspective. He is certainly looking to detach from his sitch for a while or so it seems plus a real opportunity has arisen. That is shift, move away from the issues!
It is a hard journey to realisation and this has to be handled very carefully.
The most relevant to me and our M is that he has started setting some boundaries with his parents as to what he will and will not discuss re the marriage and me. Not 100% there yet, he still talks about me and gets "their side" but much less and much less spew.
It may be he realises confidentiality is needed in this. However I still think there is habit and conditioning in this. WH hasn't cut the apron strings, he may see you and MIL as a type which is why we get the cycle.
So my question, is where is this shift?
This will happen when there is acceptance of FOO. It sounds as if WH isn't there yet.
It might never happen, right?
That's possible, depends on the denial. Sometimes it happens as a result of something very small. The best strategy for you is to be absolutely neutral. If you point the stuff out WH will be defensive, if you are difficult with MIL then he can deflect to that. He won't want to acknowledge FOO.
Today we had family therapy. Only our 2nd session. Me, H and D14. The therapist told H that he had an unhealthy alliance with his parents and that set him off big time. He was so angry.
Of course it would. Your IC may have triggered that deliberately.
She picked up on it, I said very little.
That would have been my stance too. You did have D with you so her father's anger may be something she needs to address in IC.
So anyway, what is your opinion?
I am not a therapist Fo, and not in contact with your WH. So I would go with it and also discuss with your IC.
Is family therapy going to help or is she pushing him too hard? I assume there is a reason why his IC is moving so slowly, but I just don't know what to think.
If you feel it's detrimental, then say so in your next session.
We have 2 sessions scheduled next week before he leaves.
What do you think?
I would attend the next sessions, if WH won't attend then there is value in this for your D anyway. It shows to D that you make commitments and keep them. Is cuss the Vale to your family.
Also depends on what exactly your WH was angry about. If it was about discussing it, then frankly that is what these sessions are partly about. Release, anger is a released. As long as this is a completely independent FC, if WH can't accuse you of influence then seems reasonable to address this partiular elephant in the room.
I am leaning towards get it all out before he leaves, but maybe there is a reason his IC is taking it slowly?
His IC, his circus, his monkeys.
Not yours to know about.
Then again, maybe she is taking it too slowly?
He is going to IC, that of itself is a step.
What is your opinion V?
See what shakes out. Examine why WH is angry, and remember your D is part of this. It isn't all about MIL. It's about family issues not solely about MIL.
So
This isn't about MIL and resolving her issues
It isn't about WH FOO and resolving his issues
It isn't about the resolving of your M or if you D
It is the impact of these on your family. There are other elephants in the room, for instance how you as a family are going to be with WH being absent. How visits by MIL affect your family. How you as a family can suport each other. How you communicate as a family.
Your D has a voice, as do you. It is family therapy.
Anger is one emotion in the process. It's one of many hurdles, it needs jumping. How is that anger affecting the family?
These are my opinions Fo.
V
V, I have a question for you. I saw you mention on another thread which I can't find now, that when FOO issues are addressed there can be a sudden shift.
Mutatio thread, I believe Fo.
You know the issues with my H. His FOO issues run deep and he is in extremely deep denial, projecting all of those problems on to me. He has been in IC now for maybe 8 months? There has been some progress. I believe a lot is happening quietly as he does not talk to me.
The likelihood is that WH is still in the denial phase. FOO is a little like layers on an onion in my understanding. The first and most important realisation is to remove the skin on the onion. If that happens the individual feels very vulnerable indeed. It's unfamiliar. You can often read this on threads of those with FOO issues, there is 'leakage' with thoughts and suggestions emerging.
Sometives it is through gentle questioning that release occurs, posters have to feel safe and not judged to release and discuss their issues. They have to know they are respected, there is a great deal of shame and guilt involved.
[color:#FF0000]Yes, the denial is obvious.
No child is ever responsible for their ACES, although adults are responsible for recovery. This is vital Fo, absolutely it is. Your WH sounds as if he is still conditioned to behave with your ILs as if he were a child. Being out of his sitch and with low contact with MIL may help him a great deal if he continues IC. It may lead to perspective. He is certainly looking to detach from his sitch for a while or so it seems plus a real opportunity has arisen. That is shift, move away from the issues!
It is a hard journey to realisation and this has to be handled very carefully. [/color]
The move isn't going to help with this, he chats with them all day by phone and text. Barely speaks to me and we live together. I see the move could bring about almost no communication between me and him, and his text chats with the IL's will continue uninterrupted. I know, not my business. Not my control. I am not trying to control it, I am just recognizing that this could get worse for me.
The most relevant to me and our M is that he has started setting some boundaries with his parents as to what he will and will not discuss re the marriage and me. Not 100% there yet, he still talks about me and gets "their side" but much less and much less spew.
It may be he realises confidentiality is needed in this. However I still think there is habit and conditioning in this. WH hasn't cut the apron strings, he may see you and MIL as a type which is why we get the cycle.
So my question, is where is this shift?
This will happen when there is acceptance of FOO. It sounds as if WH isn't there yet.
It might never happen, right?
That's possible, depends on the denial. Sometimes it happens as a result of something very small. The best strategy for you is to be absolutely neutral. If you point the stuff out WH will be defensive, if you are difficult with MIL then he can deflect to that. He won't want to acknowledge FOO.
I have been maintaining neutrality but my children get pulled in sometimes. Not by me.
Today we had family therapy. Only our 2nd session. Me, H and D14. The therapist told H that he had an unhealthy alliance with his parents and that set him off big time. He was so angry.
Of course it would. Your IC may have triggered that deliberately.
She picked up on it, I said very little.
That would have been my stance too. You did have D with you so her father's anger may be something she needs to address in IC.
H blew up when D mentioned that he has "sided" with his parents and prefers them over "us". H jumped up and started acting very animated and yelling and gesturing wildly. D jumped up and mirrored him, arguing her point. The FT gave me a smile and seemed like she was taking it all in. A lot of dynamics.
So anyway, what is your opinion?
I am not a therapist Fo, and not in contact with your WH. So I would go with it and also discuss with your IC.
Is family therapy going to help or is she pushing him too hard? I assume there is a reason why his IC is moving so slowly, but I just don't know what to think.
If you feel it's detrimental, then say so in your next session.
We have 2 sessions scheduled next week before he leaves.
What do you think?
I would attend the next sessions, if WH won't attend then there is value in this for your D anyway. It shows to D that you make commitments and keep them. Is cuss the Vale to your family.
Also depends on what exactly your WH was angry about. If it was about discussing it, then frankly that is what these sessions are partly about. Release, anger is a released. As long as this is a completely independent FC, if WH can't accuse you of influence then seems reasonable to address this partiular elephant in the room.
He was angry when my D said he always sides with his parents and then he blew up and started yelling that if W had her way, he'd have no family at all, started blocking off parts of the family tree chart the FT had written up to prove his point, yelling and making a big deal. D jumped up and started back, no it would look like this if YOU had your way, and blocking off parts of the family tree. I jumped up at one point to add my opinion, then thought better of it, took the clipboards away from d (they were using clipboards to "block" the chart, and sat back down. After things calmed, the FT asked me what I thought. I said, if I had my way we'd have our entire family as a cohesive unit, based on mutual respect which has been ABSENT, and I'd like to move forward with proper respect and healthy boundaries.
I am leaning towards get it all out before he leaves, but maybe there is a reason his IC is taking it slowly?
His IC, his circus, his monkeys.
Not yours to know about.
Then again, maybe she is taking it too slowly?
He is going to IC, that of itself is a step.
He won't be going while he is traveling. I will be. D will be, S will be. Youngest S will not, he seems fine.
What is your opinion V?
See what shakes out. Examine why WH is angry, and remember your D is part of this. It isn't all about MIL. It's about family issues not solely about MIL.
So
This isn't about MIL and resolving her issues
It isn't about WH FOO and resolving his issues
It isn't about the resolving of your M or if you D
It is the impact of these on your family. There are other elephants in the room, for instance how you as a family are going to be with WH being absent. How visits by MIL affect your family. How you as a family can suport each other. How you communicate as a family.
Your D has a voice, as do you. It is family therapy.
Anger is one emotion in the process. It's one of many hurdles, it needs jumping. How is that anger affecting the family?
My D has a voice, and I don't know where I got her from, she is articulate and has no fear, and manages to assert herself in a respectful (albeit 14 year old ) manner. Some of her statements are obviously immature and age appropriate for her, such as halfway through she demanded $100 for having to do this, but she does not let anything get past her. She calls H out on "that's an assumption Dad" and she calls the FT out on "where are you going with this, I don't see the value in this discussion." She is not to be messed with! My voice is hard to express with D in the room, I feel like there are some things to not discuss with both H and D. I am however, practicing and doing well with a calm and assertive body language and that helps me.
These are my opinions Fo.
V
Hi Lady V You get a lot of thanks on this site and you really spend so much time helping others I hope you don't mind but I have a few thoughts that I would like to share
You seem to blame yourself way to much and accept blame where there is none
Yes , it's possible that you could have had a part in the demise of your M but to be honest I do t see this H had serious issues to deal with and Lady V putting herself forward as an issue just does not fit Your intelligence shows that while not perfect your not far off
You seem to looking for answers where there aren't any. H chose his path and I don't think V made any difference to the outcome
Your posts are incredibly insightful and caring and I enjoy each one
I do worry that you take on to much re the blame of the sitch
However. Thanks for being Lady V. Your a huge asset to the site
Your Brother in Internet Rd xx
Vanilla - I wanted to be sure and stop by to wish you a very Merry Christmas!
You hold a special place in my heart. I will be thinking of you.
Thank you Anc, I return the compliment. Be very careful today. Remember the record button.
Cheers for Xmas for RD and his wonderful family
Happy Xmas to all, off early to aged Ps and glam sis.
Still haven't wrapped the pressies. One hour wrapping then on the road.
May every ones Xmas be peaceful and full of fun.
Love and hugs V
Merry Christmas my lovely V. Jellybxxx
Merry Christmas Vanilla, thank you for all your kindness, directed towards me and all the other people in this "world". You effort has made my life a better place. Be well my friend
Christmas hugs to you
Thank you for being there for me
Thinking about you
Ghost
Hello Sweet V,
Merry, merry Christmas to you beautiful. Hope your day is filled with lots of laughs and warm moments shared with friends.
Thanks for stopping by my thread and saying the way it is. I think you hit the nail in the head.
I am amazed with all the info you posted lately. With that I can look back and say that it is probably what happen to my mom and she was just frozen in fear, panic, depression and anxiety.
It's also good for me to understand that the abuse of spanking me so much was also a kind so sickness my mom develop for living her life beside my idiot father.
Thanks for that V, you are indeed very amazing as we all have the experience here.
Now, regarding you. I am very proud of you!!! As much as it hurts, or it confines you to a corner sometimes, it is also the reason to give V the strength to keep moving forward. V is a person of knowledge and you need to know and understand all what it is and is happening to V. And I am quite sure you are driving on the right road here and you will find a destination where your heart will be in peace again.
Pink is not so much about knowledge, is about feelings and life is always up and down. So, I am learning with your journey that sometimes understanding what is going on with and around us makes our feelings more settled.
I would also say that being raised by an abuser and grow up among other abusers, I developed a hard skin would say. For some reason, instead of fear, I developed a sense of protection.
Since very little I learned to stand up for myself and developed the courage to look into the eyes of the abuser and say: You can do it all, but it will never destroy me.
V, I know in my heart that soon enough you will feel free of all these symptoms left by years of incredible pain. My mom is a happy person now. I remember the fear she had right after she divorced my dad. It was something I could not really understand.
Today she sometimes laugh remembering that she found our later on that I had called my dad and told him that if he would put a finger on her I would take the first flight and that he would better hide well because I would go even in hell after him and finish with his skin, that even his smell would not be left.
But my mom is happy and that is what is important. And I know V will be happy and feel the freedom of peace inside and outside her heart very soon. It's a day by day learning process. It's a painful process to understand and accept, but V will endure the pain, understand the past she could not control and the future she can build, and tomorrow is waiting to be lived with joy and dignity.
I love you V and wish I was there to give this ex hubby of yours a lesson... those like the hooligans, Ha Ha. Maybe that is what he needs, to be measure by someone that will put him in his place once and forever.
Well, you probably laughing now, maybe it is the Pink way to solve stuff. Just know that I pray and think about you every day. And I know in my heart that you will be a victorious V and have the happy life you deserve.
Love and hugs to you beautiful,
Pink
Merry Christmas to you Vanilla!
Merry Christmas v
Merry Christmas V!
Sending you lots of love from snow-less Canada!
I had searched and searched for presents for aged Pa. This year I wanted to get something special.
I saw what I wanted in the Trespass shop, an all weather jacket, but it was over £500, it was in xs, aged pa is tiny now and I really wanted the jacket as it also has his favourite feature lots of pockets. I couldn't afford it, which made me very sad. On Christmas Eve the shop had a sale and there on the sale rail the only one left was lonely on the rail in xs was aged Pa's jacket for £80. It was meant to be.
He absolutely loves his jacket, it fits, is waterproof, warm, with an inner fleece in charcoal grey. He looks adorable, it will keep him warm when he plays his green bowls, aged Pa is the oldest player in the league and his team is top of the league. I have a newspaper clipping of aged Pa, proudly carrying his teams trophy at least one foot shorter than the smallest of the other players and grinning like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. When he was interviewed he told the reporter he still does his Jane Fonda tape every day and he wickedly said she still looks good in a leotard. She would of course the tape is 30 years old!
If he wanted to he could climb the Eiger in his jacket, it's the real deal.
I love my aged Pa 94, aged Ma 89 has dementia and I bought her night dresses.
In 2016, aged pa is 95, aged ma is 90 and they will have been married 65 years.
Aged Pa told me, I am glad you are no longer with WH. I was so worried about you, I know he hit you and frighten you. I said aged pa WH threatened me and pushed me around but didn't hit me. Aged Pa said no his unkind ways and words did that for him, he is a very unhappy man.
I love my aged Pa.
Thanks to Dickens for the expression aged P.
V
Hi V,
Happy you got the jacket.
Max
Thanks for sharing, V. I'm enjoying your moment with your dad vicariously. Mine died years ago - I really miss being Daddy's Girl at times. I'll just gobble up your stories, instead!
Sounds like a wise man, your pa. I am so glad you are able to share time with your folks, i have lewrned that ober the last xoupke of years, how truly priceless thise moments are.
65 yewrs of marriage is unbelievable.
That's great the jacket was on sale V
65 years is amazing, I wish I could have that.
Hope you're doing well.
Thank you Anc, Max and Anc.
I have a wealth of Aged Pa stories to share. Aged Ma is quite a character too, although V is like her Aged Pa. Glam sis is like Ma, and has the looks, I am like Pa and a nerd. Until the steroids I too was a little bird.
Fogg, Aged Pa says he and mum talk all night sometimes and always have. Maybe remembers times gone by. They always did more than talk!
V
It's so touching how your father never stopped being protective of you. Lovely story. I'm happy you have such a wonderful man in your life.
Merry Christmas dear lady V! So glad you got the jacket too. I hope someday to read all about the adventures of your aged pa. I love stories from the old timers, and could listen to them for hours at a time.
I hope your heath is on the up and up too.
Big hug,
PP
I love that story about your "aged Pa and Ma." I'm very happy you got the jacket for him- and a great deal too!!!
Great story. It's funny how things work out for the best.
Thank you Mahhty, it really is true that some things are meant to be. WhyUs I will check in on you and your Xmas, back to work today and my new regime for exercise PP. I have my 10 days of New York.
Looks like Aged Pa has hit a chord with everyone on the board, he truly is a loving man. He had two younger brothers and they were very alike and all happily married. Aged Pa was the oldest and very influential in his family, of the three couples, my mum and dad survive. Fav cousin still visits and youngest cousin visits pa regularly and they go for a 'beer' although pa only drinks shandy these days. Glam sis visits twice a week and clever nephew when he can. They are much loved.
My life was filled with loving men, pa, grandpa G and grandpa S and uncles and two cousins. All of them mechanical engineers. Clever nephew is also at uni studying engineering. We are all very pale and blonde!
Crazy loco.
PP aged pa was stationed in Malta during the war and was on a boat that was bombed, he survived by wriggling through a port hole. One day when clever nephew was young, aged pa and nephew were in a paddling pool making wet bum print patterns on the patio.
Julie I wish you could see how aged pa is so tender with ma, taking her to the toilet and showering her. She forgets today but remembers days gone by, in vivid detail. She loves chocolate and pudding, especially chocolate pudding.
V
I missed thanking you Zephyr, lovely to hear from you.
V
Just caught up Lady V and I'm not surprised your Pa is who he is because of who you are. Genetics are great but having a role model like Pa is huge and a real gift.
Just a quick post to say 2016 will be Vs year A new year and a new life
Take care Rd. xx
Intense exercise program started today. I want to get really fit again.
It's tax year end so lots of work.
Fins disgusting so too much to do.
At all I want to do is mooch.
V
Your exercise program is a reminder for me. I have been stalling and putting off my exercise time. I will put my exercise clothes on this morning and see what happens. I am off this week. Thanks for the reminder
I hope the tax numbers add up in your favor V.
exercise is the best drug. Stick with it V and you will see the results!
You have already come so far! 2016 is the year things get sorted out. We are starting this year free of abuse.
Exercise is a wonderful way to channel stress and anxiety. Good for you!
V, I love hearing about your family. You come from good people. No surprise!!! Stick with the exercise! It will change your life physically and mentally. There is no doubt you already know this as you are diligent when it comes to research. Glad to see your spirit has been up lately.
Following the poems on Jellyb thread
This one is one of my favourites and says what I shall be doing starting next year.
Wawning by Jenny Joseph
WHEN I AM AN OLD WOMAN I SHALL WEAR PURPLE
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
----------------------------------
One thing you don't know about me is that I write stories and poetry, although WH didn't like it. Sometime I will post poem of my own.
In the meanwhile the above is my new years resolution.
One day at a time
V
Your exercise program is a reminder for me. I have been stalling and putting off my exercise time. I will put my exercise clothes on this morning and see what happens. I am off this week. Thanks for the reminder
I hope the tax numbers add up in your favor V.
We have to do more than just put the clothes on Mutatio!
V
V, I didn't really know your backstory. Now I have even more respect for you. You brave, brave lady.
The story about your pa melt my heart. There's a true role model of a man. Like my papa. I too am a daddy's girl, and I look up to him and respect him so much. The fact your parents have been married for so long is incredible and beautiful. My generation could learn a thing or two from them. My grandmother told me the other day that if everyone divorced when things get a little tough, no one would ever be married longer than a year. Of course she's talking in my sitch where there is no logical explanation, nor can h provide a reason to back up his ILYBINILWY.
Speaking of grandma- the poem above is her favourite. It saddens me when I see that wh didn't like you writing short stories and poems. Before h I had an abusive partner I was with for 3 years before I broke free. He too would stop me doing things, and dull my sparkle. It's only in the past year I started to refind myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is God blessed you with a gift, you can write and that's incredible- I love creative minds. Fill your home with poetry! Two fingers up to you wh!!
Bless you v, you are a beautiful kind soul.
Don't let anyone dull YOUR sparkle **
Hello my friend, I just stopped by to say see how your doing. I'm more partial to lavender then purple but whatever floats your boat. Purple is to bold for me.
V, my mom has that quote in a frame in her guest bathroom. She loves it as well.
I'm planning to wear purple! And a red hat! I want to be happy, in my own skin, doing what I enjoy. That is my goal, and I am working diligently to get there.
Thanks for sharing that, V.
I wore my exercise clothes one day last week, they were so comfy for napping! I need to get my act together.
Ha!
Tons of love hugs and happy new year to all.
Will check in midnight for olde worlde langs eyne and dear old Robbie Burns.
V
Happy new year to you to v.
Oh god, please grant us all an easier 2016!
Happy New Year V!!!!
Btw, my mom belongs to the Red Hat Ladies. She wears purple and red hats all the time. They go all over the place. I'm very happy that she has such a great social life (probably better than mine).
Happy New Year Vanilla! Need your opinion on my thread when you have a moment, thanks.
Hello V,
I want to say thank you again for unching me closer to a little more clarity. Your questions are always thought proviking even when directed at others.
I hope you had a good time last night, buff colored PJ's, i like that a ton!!!
I hope there was some wine involved
Here is to a happy new year to you, your pa and to all you hold dear, if you believe in karma...You've got some good stuff coming your way!
V - I responded to your observations on the last page of my old thread. I'm interested in what you have to say about it. I just don't know if I want that subject taking over my thread, you know? What do you suggest? I'd like Jelly to be able to eavesdrop.
Hi V happy new year to you you truley are an amazing lady
My thoughts are often with you
Huggs
Ghost
Hello V
You just inspired me to wear more purple.
Thanks for posting.
I neglect my own thread,
Gmum welcome to V's thread, I wore purple and orange today.
AP I read your thread often, and I think of you and some of the disclosures you have made on FOO.
Anc, when things are calmer for you and your mind is stopping spinning about the court thing we can create our haven to cover the issues on your childhood. I am reading extensively.
We have plenty of time. It's going to be ok, we can tackle this any way you choose, however you would like to do it.
V
Di, Mutatio and Zephyr I hope your new year I'd going well. 2016 is going to be a great year of change.
Cherry, thank you for the complimennts, sometimes I don't feel very brave I just act as if.
V
Thank you, V. I believe you are correct. I need to let things settle a bit before I start tackling that.
Thank you, V. I believe you are correct. I need to let things settle a bit before I start tackling that.
I think this is sensible
V
V - orange and purple sounds like a great combination! I hope there was a hat too??
Sounds like you are doing well these days. Still lots to get through, but with a good PMA, everything is possible.
Take care lovely V xx
I am working hard to lose the excess weight on my bones. It won't shift.
Had a conversation with Dr and he said "how much exercise do you do?" I said about 2 hrs, he said you probably need to do more about 4 hours.
I said " I can't do that much I don't have time I have to work"
Doctor said four hours a week should be enough.
Then I said " you misunderstand, I already do 2 hours a day, that's about 14 hours a week!"
You should have seen the look on his face.
V
Lol....I've had that same look from personal trainers and dieticians, and from friends and work colleagues when i would tell them my exercise and food plan. No body could understand why I wasn't a size 10.
I hope you can keep PMA about it. Maybe mind, body and soul and maybe still to get on the same page.
Lots of love V. I do miss you sometimes. Not sure why.
Jellybxxx
Hi, just wanted to bring you a smile
and remind you that you are loved.
Just popping in to show some love, Lady V. I love the purple and orange combo and like Sotto said above, I hope there was a big floppy hat included.
Keep on keeping on, lady. Much love and hugs from me and Molly. Hope your 2016 is as fabulous as you.
Sotto, Dawn
No purple bed socks!
V
One of the things I havery wanted to do since first hearing about this on the board is to attend EE.
Today I contacted the team running EE and paid a deposit, I explained my position on the Fins and they were very understanding if I need to defer.
I decided this today, the course fits me very well. There are thingo I need to address and I can contact the local Rotary to see if anyone has a safe place for me to stay.
A big step.
V
I seem to be unable to edit anymore!
So
Havery should be have
Thingo should be thing
V
And here I thought you were using some cute British slang.
It's a trend now the edit button has gone. Patois of DB.
Maybe the edit button just got fed up and became a walk away edit button.
My tablet creates new nonsense words between the prep and the submit. I swear it's possessed. I once accidentally used my real name, it was good to edit it out.
The only way round it is to draft off line, however adding the code for colours etc has to be done manually.
Takes forever and a day.
Long posts are going to be much rarer.
V
Maybe the edit button just got fed up and became a walk away edit button.
V
Literal lol
It's a trend now the edit button has gone. Patois of DB.
Maybe the edit button just got fed up and became a walk away edit button.
My tablet creates new nonsense words between the prep and the submit. I swear it's possessed. I once accidentally used my real name, it was good to edit it out.
The only way round it is to draft off line, however adding the code for colours etc has to be done manually.
Takes forever and a day.
Long posts are going to be much rarer.
V
Use the preview button on every post
I do
I know, I just love the power over my words with edit.
It looks different when submitted to previewed.
Ahhhhh. The lost power button of edit.
Reminiscing about my EA with edit
V
LMAO! <Snicker> EA with edit?!?
You're killing me here! You really enjoyed having the edit button, didn't you?
You guessed it, the edit button was my saviour on more than one occasion.
In addition I occasionally posted things like "go get a life" mainly to myself and then the sweeeeeeet pleasure of delete. You noticed since there is no edit, there is no delete.
My world is not the same.
Sigh....
V
Every few months a dark cloud falls over me and I get really down.
Then it seems to disapper again, I don't know why it comes and goes.
This time it's about my weight gain and the Fins. I have a chest infection and it's tax year end.
I am not coping very well and the abuse feels so close I could touch it. It seems like huge steps backwards.
Dark today, I hope tomorrow will be better.
V
Hang in there, V! Sometimes things svck and it's okay to admit that. It will get better:)
Sending you positive thoughts!
Please let the light of this board and all of the love that we have for you shine into your life today V.
Weight fluctuates, as do Fins. Somedays things are up, others they are down. As you've told me over and over - time is on our side. Your weight will drop back down, your Fins will sort themselves out. The pain of your sitch may come and go but I believe every time that it leaves it will get a bit further away from you.
We all have the clouds, they are like the real weather - fleeting, unpredictable, and with nothing to do but breathe through them.
Please know how much love is being sent your way from all of the posters here whose lives you have touched.
(that's a LOT of love Lady V)
Big hug to you, please keep posting until this little black rain cloud has found somewhere else to settle...perhaps over the life of your XH.
Much love,
PP
Hi V!
Sending positivity your way. I hope your mental and physical health improves
Lady V,
I'm glad you shared your feelings and mood. I had noticed, and thought to myself V, knows that I love her and thinking about her. I should have reached out with some love V.
Reading your posts on FOO Led. I realise now that when I have spoken of my history of childhood sickness, feelings of separatness, that you understood more than I had anticipated.
We talk about the rollercoster of life, but really it is a never-ending spiral. Life always comes back on itself to show us where we have been, to shed more light on both painful and happy things.
This work is not easy V.
I have never liked the word survivor, as a description of people who have some through abuse. I think you wrote recently about being a thriver as apposed to a surivior. Finally a word that adapty describes the other side.
You, Mu and Fogg and I are all sharing a very similar journey right now. We might need to huddle up a bit closer, to have a few more feelings of thriving.
PP said it best, as he does so eloquantly and with such grace. There is no need for more words. I will stop now, but you are loved V. This too shall pass.
Rainbows and rainbows of tummy love.
JellyBXXX
Hi Vanillia. Did something trigger the cloud. Illness of any kind does not lend itself to positivity.
As wiser people have posted , it's ok to feel down but look at all your support
tbe abuse was terrible and it's not something that you will get over quickly I wish I could offer wise words but all I can do is offer my support and my gratitude to you for being Lady V.
hugs and more hugs. Rd xx
Hang in there, V! Sometimes things svck and it's okay to admit that. It will get better:)
Sending you positive thoughts!
Thank you GB, I will pop over to visit my DB friends on the big girls and boys threads
V
PP thank you I will, sometimes being on my own thread is just too painful for me.
Sci this cycles with me, it's new thing in my life since my wedding day when the abuse started.
This too will pass JB, I would like as soon as possible but my higher power is obviously finding growth in it.
RD, in Gamanon we learn the acronym halt, to examine triggers it's hungry, angry, lonely and tired. I guess for me I think a lot about this I am as yet unsure. The trigger may be days away from the effects and the cloud.
A close friend, (one who owes me quite a lot of money as I invested in his business) died last Saturday. I had actually decided to ask him to repay some of the loan although I hadn't yet done it. So I guess it will be written off. My friends death is a real low to me, he was young and had really great ideas, he died of food poisoning.
I think his loss was the trigger that and feeling unwell with my throat infection. So lonely (loss) and tiredness (unwell). I also ate rubbish for three days including a Xmas box of chocs (Sugar hunger). That was Xmas 2013, so over a year in the cupboard without being touched and last night I had fish and chips, (heavy on the chips!). So a lot of ground to make back up on the eating plus another sugar detox....
Spitting tacs at myself, so now angry.
Back to the gym today and only one hour no spin, because chest is still wheezy.
V
I really miss my friend, he was very dear to me.
V
I really miss my friend, he was very dear to me.
V
I am sorry about your friend V, I really am. The cloud has a explanation and it is unreasonable that it is present, however much it is not wanted. There are no words V sometimes. The physical and virtual distance frustrates me so often, and my complete lack of ability to communicate my sense of feeling for you.
Just a lot of virtual hugs coming your way.
Much love V as always (((((((((((((V))))))))))))))
JellyBxxx
Sorry to hear about your friend V. I have no other words and not sure what to say but wanted to offer my support just the same.
Just read about you friend Vanilia. So sorry , No words can take away the pain. You have great memories of him and they are forever. Focus on how lucky you were to have known him and to be part of his life.
Lady V has touched our lives in such a positive way , I can only imagine what actually Iknowing you must be like
Stay strong , his passing is very sad but remember the positive times
Huge hug , Rd. ( I will raise a glass to your friend tonight )
V, I'm sorry to hear about your friend, and what a tragic thing to die young from food poisoning. Take care of yourself lovely V. Xx
One of the sadest things is that because this lovely man died at home, his organs he had always wanted to donate couldn't be used.
The irony is this friend has the same name as WH and has the most loving heart, any one receiving it would have been lucky.
His children loved him very much and he too was a carer for his aged Ma. A feisty lady of 92 who now has a bf aged 85. They have announced they are going to live together.
Life just is as it is.
V
Thank you for the comfort it means a great deal.
Sotto, Fogg and Jellyb, it means a lot to me.
RD will that be a Guinness or Murphy?
V
Sending you another big hug Lady V, I believe even though your friend's organs may not have been used, it's a blessing to transition while at home.
I'm sure he was as fond of you as you were of him.
Sending you love,
PP
V - I'm so sorry for your loss. You've been having such a tough time lately - I really feel for you.
Please add my love and concern for you, as well? At this moment, I am focusing all my compassion straight to you.
Be well, you wonderful person.
You are loved.
Hi V, I am very sorry about your friend. Please, try to read and follow somethings you can do in order to grief the death of your friend that was dear to you.
You had too much loss V and every time it takes a toll on your health. Don't let go. Every time there is a bump, you need to remedy that, not just sweep it to under the rug. Take care after these wounds, even if it feel not so severe at the moment.
Glad you are taking the time to exercise. Not very sure if it is a good thing to do 2 hours a day every day. You may want to look into the kind of exercise that would be more effective to you.
I have patients that need to maintain their diabetes under control and 30min workouts or 1 hour walk serve them better then a long one that makes their sugar oscillate.
Also, eating more frequently but in very tiny portions may be a good turn around for your metabolism.
No one is the same V, not sure if it would help you, but you need to find something that works for you.
V, thank you for your visit on my thread, I appreciate. I was in a Divorce support group last night and it was very, very good. It will be 13 weeks and I hope to get enough strength to finally LET GO. It has been a long and painful journey, but I may feel better.
V, you are an amazing and wise woman, please, keep the hard work and take good care after yourself.
Love,
Pink
Hey lady V, chocolate is a good pain reliver from time to time, emotional or physical...it soothes me.
I am sorry to heat about the death of your friend...so sad.
We are here if you need.
Everyone is so supportive here.
There is going to be an autopsy and that is going to take time. Tax year end is 31 Jan so I an in over my head at the moment.
Thank you Zephyr, Pink I will pop in on you from time to time but the other side of the boards are where the old souls live so they can help much more for you.
PP thank you for your help on the exercise issues as always.
Anc I am so lucky to have all my crew supporting me. I confess to a few tears.
Time for a new thread
V
Real link to next thread
replacement link V