Hi Uphill - so OM dumped XF did he? Maybe the sitch was putting a little too much pressure on him and he bailed. And he has a GF already??
Well, he clearly didn't have much staying power did he? No great surprise I would say. I would also say, don't set too much store by this - my H and his OW have been on-off-on a number of times. I think many R's that start in a 'hasty' way are rather tumultuous and dramatic. There may be on's and off's to come yet. Things truly have to run their course I think.
For now, I would stay right off the subject. Your XF gave you her answer and you are moving forward, along with your S at this point. If XF want's back in, she'll need to dig pretty deep I think and I don't sense she's at that point just yet.....in time, who knows...
Take care, you've had some rides on the rollercoaster lately my friend. Time to relax with an ice cream I think xx
I don't know, this is all mind reading but I think the reality of being a home wrecker set in and he ran? I'm not betting on anything at this point other than the fact that S4 and myself are gonna be fine. Maybe better? Who knows... XF has to take time and look deep inside herself, before anything would change. If I gave the impression that he has a new GF I'm sorry, as far as I know he doesn't but there again I can't rule anything out.
Didn't ask any questions, just waited for the door to be closed and snickered to myself. On Saturday, during our talk, I said to XF. "I'm gonna tell you this now, and whether it's tomorrow or 6 months from now I'm gonna say I told you so. You are being used!" I wonder if it's too soon to remind her?!?! Haha. Jk I'm sure she remembers at this point and doesn't need the reminder, just ironic how things work.
Sotto, I think you and S4 are on the same page. I came home from work and my mom had him here waiting for me. He was sitting on the porch with a milkshake for each of us
. He wanted one at the store and wouldn't leave without getting one for me. That kid melts my heart!
Uphill, you are awesome. I am glad you gave her an ultimatum. I am glad OM dumped her. I think you are right about reality setting in. As much as setting ultimatums is not "DB" I think it is giving you the perspective you need to detach and put your focus on yourself and your son. Even though things aren't really going your way, they are if that makes sense? You are taking care of yourself and your son in a very honest way.
Pho, you are right. Ultimatums couldn't be further from DB standard and for good reason. It blew up in my face. But for me I needed answers, answers I was not willing to sit on the sideline and wait for. I'm not gonna be OM's water boy. Even though it did not work out the way I had hoped for, I now have direction in life. I felt since day one like I was sitting in limbo. No answers, no idea what to do with my life. Nothing. I now know exactly where I stand and can base my decisions in life on that. In the past, I gotta admit, I made decisions based on too many "what ifs". Not anymore, I have the direction I needed to move along with my life.
It just makes it a little sweeter that things got too real for OM and he kicked her to the side the next day! The day before all I heard was how nice of a guy he is and the have such a connection haha. How did that work out for ya?
XF obviously has been spending all of her time in the wrong ways. I even told her that. She never looked inside herself to see what needed work. She never saw the therapist she so badly needs (I'm not trying to diagnose but she has a history of depression from many childhood events. She went before and stopped, never resumed to get to the roots of the problems. This is exactly how she acted way back then, just not on this scale.) she never took time to reflect on life and where it is leading her. And until she does her life will continue to be toxic. I stood by her side early on in our R, against many peoples suggestion. It was only about 2 months into "us" when it happened before and I felt I had to help her. Nobody else was there to do it so I did and pissed a few people off who told me to run then. The same people remind me of that from time to time and I reply, "if I would have ran back then, I wouldn't have S4 now."
Anyways, she has lots of work to do on herself before she will be able to give herself fully to anybody else. Until then it is just a fake her.
Wow, lots of change in your sitch Uphill. I've been following your threads for a long time and the amount of growing you've done is so admirable. Good for you and good for S4 for being so strong.
I know your road has NOT been an easy one but look where it's lead you. I don't feel badly for your XF, she's reaping what she sowed. As are you - positivity, direction, and inner strength.
Keep on this path and you're going to lead an amazing life my friend.
PP
Uphill, I am proud of you, sir. Even though it seems that we think along the same lines, you are light years from where I am. I am just now dusting myself off and looking out of new eyes. I mess up - and really did these past couple of days - but I am at the point to where I no longer let those wild *ss emotions take control of me. It almost seems as if I am fine either way, as much as I want her and the marriage, I am finding that if she chooses the other way, I am OK with that too. How odd is that?
Up, it may run counter to DB, but if you felt that an ultimatum was necessary then I am happy that you did it. Whether you liked the outcome or not. But, I would bet that you, and OM, just triggered the loss that Sandi always talks about. Hopefully you will now be able to live for yourself and she may come to her senses. It would feel awesome to be the one making the decisions, wouldn't it!
Keep up the good work and enjoy that boy!
Thank you all for stopping here and offering your support! Im not gonna say it was easy to hear them words, but those words are what gave me what I needed to stop giving a fk. I cared too much from the start. Not just the start of the sitch, the start of "us". I always looked past XF's flaws as any loving spouse does. Now I can see them for what they are. Don't get me wrong, I would honestly to this day say she is a 9+ on a 1-10. Not perfect but damn near and I think that's how she had me wrapped around her finger. That's why I stayed so attached. Not that I think I'm not worthy, but because I know it would be easy for her to "get" whoever she wants. She gets a lot of attention everywhere, the kind of girl who turns every head when she walks into a restaurant.
I can look past all that at this point because I know the her nobody else sees. And it's been ugly lately. As far as feeling the loss and me being in charge, I don't know what I would do at this point. It would be nice to have that chance someday but I honestly feel like I would tell her she had her chance. This is all current feelings so who knows what I would say tomorrow. But I can say that today, the only reason I would hear her out would be for S4.
I want to also add, I may have done a boat load of growing. In fact I know I did. I've come a long way but there is also a long road ahead of me. BUT, I would not be where I am without each and every one of you! This place has been my go to place since I found it. I used to go to friends, family, anybody that would listen to my sappy self. That helped nothing, it only gave people a one sided story to base their own opinion from. Then it would relay back to XF in dribs and drabs, partial truths and more than anything, pressure. I come here and vent. I come here for 2x4's. And I appriciate everybody here taking time out of their own messed up lives (no offense, but that's why we are all here haha) to help me get mine back on track. I love you all!
Which leads me to this thought, why don't we have a forum meet and greet sometime somewhere??? Haha it would prolly turn into a hug and sob fest but I think it sounds like a good GAL for everybody!
I can look past all that at this point because I know the her nobody else sees. And it's been ugly lately. As far as feeling the loss and me being in charge, I don't know what I would do at this point. It would be nice to have that chance someday but I honestly feel like I would tell her she had her chance. This is all current feelings so who knows what I would say tomorrow. But I can say that today, the only reason I would hear her out would be for S4.
You're right, and fortunately you don't have to make that decision today. You are seeing her for what she is, not some idealized version that saw only the good side that we all tend to see in our spouse/partners. Now if she does come back, you'll be able to fall in love with the real her. If that day comes, it will be a stronger love than the earlier version, and more cherished, because you will have paid a higher price. Still, that is all a big ? out there in the fog of the future. You are doing right to put one foot right in front of the other and live in the reality that is right now. And that reality is about you and your S. Believe me, that is not a place most people are.
This morning I ended up running about 2 hours late for work. Normally that's not me and not an option... This morning I got up and was doing my morning thing, checking the wood stove, getting dressed, ect. I heard S4 get up and come hopping down the steps. He got down to me and wanted to go back to bed. I tried to reason with him and he wasn't having it. I told him if he goes back to bed, I'll use the bathroom and come in. (Figuring he would fall asleep quickly and I could just carry him out). When I got back there, he had a movie turned on, a blanket layed out for each of us and a glass of water to share haha. I crawled in, he was so snugly I couldn't get up
we watched the whole movie before I even thought of moving! Now to try to make up so lost time at work!
Another personal achievement, and I know it is very early but I'm not looking to take this anywhere yet, just testing the waters. I signed up for a dating website last night. I must say it feels kinda good to have a few messages from interested ladies in a few hours. Haven't responded to any yet. Maybe I won't? Who knows. It was a test for myself to see where I was inside, and the only way I knew to get the answer was to do it.
This morning I ended up running about 2 hours late for work. Normally that's not me and not an option... This morning I got up and was doing my morning thing, checking the wood stove, getting dressed, ect. I heard S4 get up and come hopping down the steps. He got down to me and wanted to go back to bed. I tried to reason with him and he wasn't having it. I told him if he goes back to bed, I'll use the bathroom and come in. (Figuring he would fall asleep quickly and I could just carry him out). When I got back there, he had a movie turned on, a blanket layed out for each of us and a glass of water to share haha. I crawled in, he was so snugly I couldn't get up
we watched the whole movie before I even thought of moving! Now to try to make up so lost time at work!
It is funny how those little ones can make important things not important. Since W moved out, on my days S4 has been spending time with me at work. Really makes it hard to get a good full day in, but we actually do a lot of fun stuff together.
I got home from work. Phone rang almost immediately. It was XF... Almost seemed like a bit of a temp check? She asked about a S4 appointment weeks from now that I already knew about. Rambled something about car insurance and it seemed like she didn't want the convo to end. I finally said to her, "I just got home from work, I have to go so I can pick up S4 and spend some time with him".
It was just weird enough to mention.
She can tell the rope has been cut and now her head is starting to spin IMO.
That's how I felt about it indigo. I think the way I reacted and just listened on Saturday got her thinking "boy he doesn't care anymore, he is fine with this". It's nothing but mind reading so see what happens moving forward. If she continues to reach out for unimportant things I will definatly start thinking more that way.
I must admit, that call kinda got me twisted up this morning. Basically I'm overthinking the reason/meaning behind it even though I realize it doesn't matter. I know better, I just have to let it pass and move along.
I will see her tonight for S4 swap. Gonna keep it as short as possible and let her stew on why. Saturday, I will also see her for a bit. Actually meeting to swap S4 and get our cell phone bills split. That may also be playing in her head? Making all this more final. She has to find her own car insurance tomorrow also because I am dropping coverage on her car. Kinda tired of paying for that when she already got the car from me for free...
Another big sign for where she is at will be this afternoon. If I get the typical "what time works" text about S4 swap, she's cold and distant. If she calls, typically she is very friendly and chatty.
There again, it's nothing of much meaning, just something I have noticed over the past few months as a pattern.
Yup, reality is starting to set in now. I think what helped me greatly in my situation was that as soon as I was out of the house I told W that I would pay for nothing. I obviously gave money to support my D, but that was it. Could be part of the reason for the relatively short time frame of my ordeal. Stick to the path you're on my friend. She needs to put in the work to get you back at this point, if its still a possibility in your heart.
I won't rule anything out but I will say the road is harder for her now. I guess I should say for "us". But she had a fairly easy pass until this past weekend... I do still care about the girl, I prolly always will. But my respect for her hit an all time low now.
I see that life without her, even though I don't like to admit it, is very possible. I have opened my eyes to that possibility and am ok with it. At this point she is nothing but a "prospect" mixed in the field. She does stand out a bit in that field because she is the mother of my child, but she doesn't stand on a pedistool now.
I won't rule anything out but I will say the road is harder for her now. I guess I should say for "us". But she had a fairly easy pass until this past weekend... I do still care about the girl, I prolly always will. But my respect for her hit an all time low now.
I see that life without her, even though I don't like to admit it, is very possible. I have opened my eyes to that possibility and am ok with it. At this point she is nothing but a "prospect" mixed in the field. She does stand out a bit in that field because she is the mother of my child, but she doesn't stand on a pedistool now.
Uphill, my friend, I think you made it. They will always stand out in the field just because. You are at a place where maybe one day I can get to - I am just learning to walk without stumbling all over the place. Hats off to you!
Spiff, it has been a tough, bumpy, long road. I don't envy anybody just starting this journey. I'm not out of the woods yet, I feel my next "signpost" on healing will be when I can go a full 24 hours without thinking anything about XF. No what ifs. No I wish she were here. No I wish she would call. Nothing at all. I am a far way from that yet, or I wouldn't be looking at a phone call and analyzing it...
I have made some big progress over the past week and a half. Mon, tues, wed last week I honestly thought she came around. I saw the old XF in every interaction. She would reach out to see how my day was. Opened up more than the past 6 months combined. It was a huge "up". Then Thursday came and she put her walls back up. Huge "down". I feel as if the rollercoaster got to wild for me and I stepped off. I can stomach a lot but that one isn't for me buddy.
Indigo, you actually got me thinking a bit into my reason for paying for as much as I have been so long. The problem I had (internally) was if I took the car back, XF had no transportation to go to and from work. Also S4 swaps would have been 100% on me for the traveling. She honestly doesn't have the means to buy a car... Same with the insurance on the car. Now she's driving it. Do I drop it, then if something happens it is my car on the road without insurance. That was to cover me for letting her have the car. Cell phones, there again, S4 played a big part of that. It was my only way to contact him when he is not with me.
I guess I was in a tough spot and now I am standing up on 2 of the 3 fronts...
I dont have much to add. Ive been reading along for a while, but Im not sure exactly how to contribute.
In the last couple of pages, I notice you really looking and focusing on every one of her actions again. How will you get yourself back to that stable point of focusing on you?
Also, you gave an ultimatum, I suppose, but what does it really mean? It certainly doesnt seem like you are "done" with her...
Azz, I admit, that phone call did send me spinning. A few things actually have since last weeks events. The difference now seems to be inside me. I'm more at peace. I honestly feel like a different person. I can see, I do still look into things too much at times. The thoughts aren't like they were before though... It may be a habit I have to break, the looking into things. I feel like that kinda wired itself into my brain over the past months?
As far as being "done", that is where my heart sits now. I'm sure she could convince me otherwise yet. I know I have back peddled on a lot of things through this past year but this line I drew isn't any easy one for me to slide to the "next line" if you know what I mean? For this one to move, it would definatly take a very big effort on her part.
My eyes are very open to any possibility now. I have not begun dating but I won't be sitting back anymore either. She has made her choice and I respect that. It doesn't mean I agree with it, but I can move forward without her and not feel guilt at this point.
Also azz, I just looked back through this thread, and I'm just looking for your input here. Up until the phone call last night I think most of the XF talk was more to relay where I am? Responding to other posts not nessisarily "dwelling" or "pinning" on her? If I am reading it wrong please let me know so I can get my head on straight and keep walking forward. Most of Yesterday was about S4 and my movie party and milkshakes. Monday I did mention that OM dumped her because I found the irony in it.
Just looking for your opinion buddy.
Azzork, are you around buddy? Anxiously waiting to see what I'm missing haha
Azzork, are you around buddy? Anxiously waiting to see what I'm missing haha
Ha. Sorry. Sometimes I have to actually work! I know...it's kinda rare.
I didnt just mean this thread, I guess. Im looking back most of last week and into this week. I hadnt really posted on your thread much lately, so the details were a little bit vague in my head. But most of what Im thinking of is in build up and let down from your "talk" on Saturday.
Im glad to hear that you are starting to refocus. Just want to help make sure it's aimed in the right spot.
Ok, it's cool haha. I do the same thing through the day at work
. Yeah, lots of buildup and letdown. But now I do feel like I have a sense of direction. I do still think of different things from time to time, it feels different though. More like its my brains way of comprehending everything? Not so much obsession. I don't know if that is the right word for it but I think you'll understand?
Yes, I think the build ups and let downs are the things to watch out for. That's when you are being pulled back onto the rollercoaster. It is possible things may be shifting - or they may not - and it's important not to be too invested in what she is saying or doing.
For now, I would keep working on your own stuff and things will unfold in time...
My plan is me and S4 living it up. He is part of me, and he deserves to be nothing but happy. If XF were to come around and start really trying to be involved with us, maybe. If she doesn't, her loss at this point. I put all the effort I could into keeping myself from getting to this point, now it is on her to show a little "want" if it is ever to turn around.
Had an uneventful S4 swap last night. Afterwards stopped for a few beers on my way home. Ran into a few people I have seen in ages. Got home a little later than expected so I put the laundry duties off for the night haha. Work was kinda slow today so I bailed out early and got everything that was left outside put away in the garage for winter.
Now, what to do tonight?????
Hello friends! Busy weekend, I didn't have time to post or keep up on much going on here... Hope all is well with everybody!
Friday evening was pretty uneventful. Had dinner and a few drinks with a few friends. Saturday it got overly busy. First thing was to split up the cell phone bill at the store. Ran into a few things there and it took longer than I allowed for my schedule. Stupid update clauses and contracts haha. Got that all figured out, but not before S4 ended up with an iPad because it was the only way I could upgrade my smashed phone.
After that me and my little buddy rushed to get to his hayride. The Sunday school he goes to had their fall festival, all the kids there had a blast!
From there we had to rush home to the circus at my house. It got thrown on my lap, Friday night, by family who were in town for the weekend. They planned to have a thanksgiving dinner at my place and forgot to let me know?!?! So we had an impromptu dinner at my house for about 20 people. Due to limited time to plan, it was pizza and Stromboli!!! Haha it's all I could pull off with my busy day which was already planned.
Spent most of the day yesterday cleaning up from that and helping S4 make his Christmas list for Santa.
Didn't really spend much time thinking about XF. Didn't have the time to do that
. The few times I did it was short lived and not very painful...
Side note, this coming weekend is booked solid also. Obviously thanksgiving Thursday with family. Friday, S4 and me are gonna go pick out and cut down a Christmas tree. (That may get to me a bit, kinda a tradition of "ours" for many years. Saturday, I am going to go meet up with my sister and her friend from work. Lunch and some running around. This is the friend that my sister has been pretty admate about me meeting. So I figure with my sister there and "plans" it won't put much pressure on anything. Gives me a kinda easy out if it doesn't feel right. That way I can test the waters and not have to offend anybody if I have to go. They can just continue with their own thing...
Uphill, I am glad you are doing well. Keeping busy is definitely a huge help.
Do you think you are ready to meet someone new? Take it slow Uphill!
Honestly pho, I have no idea? I miss the friendship and companionship of having somebody. BUT I'm not sure if I am ready or not? Maybe I feel a little more comfortable with it because of how it is happening? My sister, friend and me. Not a "date" or an awkward dinner that I have to try to force a conversation. Just meeting them to get some things done and see how it feels... Dip my toe in the water and see how it is.
I'm torn on the whole thing so I'm just gonna go with the flow. If it feels wrong, I can just "have to leave"...
I dont have anything to add here, but if i know anything that i have read about experiences then saw them happening in my life a little down the road.
i am paying close attention here since I couldnt imagine trying to relate to another person on an emotional level right now let alone physical. Actually i think the emotional level is more. Having someone else know all of the things W is supposed to be the person knowing is tough to imagine.
Best of luck and looking forward to hearing about everything.
It could blow up in my face like other things I have done otw... I'm a risk taker by nature (for crying out loud, we race $100,000 cars for fun haha), sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't! The more I think about it, it may just be a test I'm giving myself?
Well, last night at kid swap I got another kick in the guts... I've spent the past 12 hours trying to comprehend what is happening. XF now went ahead and filed for child support. Which I get, if I wasn't already paying everything for our son. I just don't know which way to turn right now? Do I continue paying what I have been and act like nothing happened? Or stop and let her see how much she is already getting?
Should be getting a call back from my lawyer shortly, hopefully have some answers after that conversation...
If she feels entitled to a certain amount of money for child support then let the L and court decide what is fair and that's what she gets. If it ends up being lower than she wants just remind her she was the on who decided to file for it and your just doing what she wanted. You can always do more for S when your with him but she has a responsibility to take care of him when she has him.
That's what I don't get fogg. She has 0 financial responsibility for S4 at this point. We have 50/50 custody. I don't know what she is thinking? She won't get alamony, hence the XF instead of XW...
Consequences of her actions, let her figure it out if she wants it to be fair according to the courts. Me and my W split most things but I have them more often and make more money. She's said in the past she doesn't want my money or to mooch off of me so she never wants to go through child support. I'm fine with paying more, I do in gas that's for sure just driving them to daycare and school. W doesn't realize it but if she ever did file for child support and the overnights stayed the same as they have been the last 2 months it would be me getting it, not her. Again, her decision if she did and she would have to live it with. Just like your XF will have to realize this. If she feels entitled and wants the court to decide what she's deserves, well, let the court decide what she deserves.
Yep, that's how I gotta let it fall into place. Still waiting for lawyers return call...
Hi Uphill
I agree with fog on this. Never mind 'why' she's going through the court just deal with the fact that she is. If she ends up with less then so be it. I believe it's the whole entitlement thing. I could make you laugh with some of the things my ExW said she should have and I should have during our demise. Thank you Scottish Law for 50/50. No argument there.
Anyway you follow Huddy. You've seen the stink his WAW made over their accommodation and where she blamed HIM for HER mess. Just mental.
In the UK we have an agency called the CMA. Once up on a time it was known for being hideously in favour of the mother, basically destroying the father's financial standing. It's original aim was to get errant fathers to pay their share of maintenance costs, but it was actually used by some people as another stick to beat their former spouse with.
Following reform, they are now more in tune with financial realities and they provide a guideline, on their website, about the level of financial help that is expected from (mainly) husbands. It does, however, also say that if the former spouse isn't happy, they can go to court, but the costs have to be bourn by them and it is no guarantee that they will get more and even if they do, it doesn't alter any custody agreement, and, they also have to pay fees for the service and the amount is fixed forever more, regardless of changing circumstances.
WW/WAW's should really think about these things before they start challenging things through the courts. I don't know where you are on the planet, but I guess there might be something similar where you are.
I am in the US. It's pretty cut and dry in my state. The way I understand it (from an online calculator) I would pay her around $500 a month. But then out of that, she is responsible for daycare, his insurance,ect... So in the end, I THINK it is actually in my favor? Compared to paying everything as I am now.
Also, that is factoring in rough numbers for salaries. I don't have exact numbers in front of me... Should be pretty close though
Happy thanksgiving everybody! Enjoy your day friends!!!
Nothing to report on the home front. Still waiting to hear from L. XF still on the run. Me and S4 living life
.
Weekend recap, Friday S4 had a doctor appointment. I took him and we met XF there. She seemed to be in a decent mood and tried to start small talk. I resisted, not trying to be a jerk, but I honestly can't look at her right now without being angry...
After doc appt S4 and me went and got a Christmas tree and wreath for the house. Left him pick everything, and he ended up running around with some other kids while I paid and loaded everything up.
That night had a few people over to my house. My sister and her family. My parents and a few other friends. All the kids played into the night and had a great time .
Yesterday, XF picked up S4 and I went with my sister to "run into" her friend from work. Turned out her friend didn't show, she was waiting for a cable guy to hook up her tv and he didn't arrive until many hours after the scheduled time. No biggie. Had backup plans and got a lot of my Christmas shopping done and then went out to see a local band instead.
Feeling in a really weird spot today. It's the first time in a week or so I actually had time to slow down a little. I just don't have the motivation to do anything today (which isn't me at all). Maybe I'm just stretched thin and need to relax for the day? Maybe catching a cold that has been going around? Not real sure but I think it's a date with my couch for the remainder of the day.
Up, nothing wrong with a down day. Just don't let it get you down emotionally. Relax, unwind, watch some football, etc. You're doing great!
Football is on! Just can't find a good game to watch haha. All that are on are like watching paint dry
Hi uphill,
Been following your sitch- you seem to be doing very well! The energy you are putting into your s and your gal activities is great. Take this day and rest up- you deserve it!
Feyth, thanks for stopping in! I do as much as I can, especially on the S4 front. There was a time I wasn't as hands on and was putting all my efforts into XF... Even though I don't feel whole, I do feel like a great father! And that to me means more than anything.
Well, my day of relaxing must come to an end. Time for bed haha. I did accomplish a few things in between games and on commercial breaks. I felt like I had to to something?!? Got a load of laundry done, hit the start button on the dishwasher, swept off the front porch and got some gas in my truck. Ha, so I guess I got about 20 minutes of stuff done over the past 12 hours... Oh well, it was nice to have nowhere to be or anything to do for a change.
My mind is in the wrong places today. Spinning a bit around all the unanswered questions... Why... How is this better? Who is it really better for? Wtf? Gotta get my head out of the gutter, it doesn't belong there.
Ugghhhh, got home from work excited to go get S4. Got a swift kick in the beans as soon as I got there, child support papers served. It's funny that XF left out all the important things, such as the fact that I already pay everything for S4... I knew this was coming it just [censored] to have them handed to you. Now I have to figure out how to get 6 months of pay stubs as well as a pile of other information before this hearing.
Oh and another thing, after all these years, she put my birthday down wrong?!?! Not only missed by 2 months, but she wrote in the wrong year too!!! Haha
Not gonna leave it ruin my night. S4 and I are decorating the Christmas tree. He isn't very into it but I told him we can't set up the train until it's done
Got the Christmas tree done and S4's train set up! He was extra excited for that
. I'm still feeling kinda dumpy like yesterday, I was getting through it and it seemed to be fading until I got those papers... It's like every time I think we have everything settled and get into a routine that works for everybody, a curveball is thrown at my head?
I mentioned that to XF last night. I said I thought we had everything worked out? I thought that a few times. And every time things seem to be working and going without a hitch, you poke me again. I asked her when it stops. Explained that I will not live my next 14 years in fear of the next "scheme" on her end. She obviously had no answers but I had to get it off my chest.
It's funny that XF left out all the important things, such as the fact that I already pay everything for S4.
But going forward, you shouldnt HAVE to pay for everything. In fact, it sounds like you may be paying less.
While its certainly a pain to go through, it's kind of nice having that legal definition of responsibility so you dont need to argue about little things going forward.
I get that part of it azz, it's just like the past almost year... Nothing I do is ever good enough. At the start of this, 50/50 was 50/50. We each paid half of everything. Over time, (my fault for giving in) when she would cry poverty, I would step up and take care of our son. It got to the point now, that she has absolutely no financial responsibility for S4. The only thing that costs her anything is gas to come to swaps. I have even given gas money (saves me from having to travel the whole way), groceries (makes sure my child is fed), and whatever else she may have played the guilt card on.
Then she has the nerve to tell me a few weeks back that "she is proud of herself because she is doing this all on her own. Everything she has is because she busted her a**." I about fell out of my chair!
I didn't say anything at the time, just left her ramble on. But miss "independent" as she claims wants to be independent of everything but my wallet. Apparently she thinks I owe her alamony even though we were never married? That is mind reading but what else could she be looking for...
I've realized these past few days that I have to really work on what takes up my head space. I can't seem to go more than a few minutes without either getting frustrated, upset, angry... This whole situation (as everybody here understands) has turned my world upside down. All the incorrect things that have been blamed on me, all the things that have been said. I react to them the best I can, but they stick in my head. Without these "false" things XF has nothing to explain any of this. I do understand that they are how she feels and that is valid to her, but what I don't understand is where it is all coming from. For a few days she will warm up, then it's almost like somebody 2x4's her and puts her walls back up?
A vicious cycle. Without the warm times, I start detaching and getting on with my life. Then I catch a glimpse of the "old" XF and spin.
Nothing I do is ever good enough.
It got to the point now, that she has absolutely no financial responsibility for S4. The only thing that costs her anything is gas to come to swaps. I have even given gas money (saves me from having to travel the whole way), groceries (makes sure my child is fed), and whatever else she may have played the guilt card on.
So, what will you be giving her in child support? What are you giving her now?
I just dont see how you can be upset with her for getting what is legally hers. It [censored] to have to go through the courts. I get it. But it is what it is. Just a business arrangement.
The problem I have azz, in my calculations with L she won't be getting any more from me. Maybe even a little less. But now I had to schedule days off work for hearings and lawyer bills are piling again. Who does it benefit? Neither one of us. The lawyers and the court system are the only ones ahead
But now I had to schedule days off work for hearings and lawyer bills are piling again.
I understand.
But, at least you will have a court order for what you owe. That way you wont feel taken advantage of. You wont feel used. You wont feel like you need to "measure up". You can pay her XYZ on the first of the month and be done with it.
I have already bled as much money for this situation as I can afford. This is now chewing away at cash I need to pay bills. It's just crazy how somebody you did everything for, for so long, keeps finding ways to jab you in the ribs.
Trust me, I understand. XW picked what has to be the fanciest law firm in the city and the divorce has cost over $6K that I didnt have, when we basically agreed on everything to begin with. It's incredible what this all costs.
But, Im glad to have ground rules set out that are fixed by the courts, so I dont have to be made to feel guilty in the future.
Hey uphill,
I can see how spending money on something you never wanted can feel like a jab to the ribs.
I will just be glad when there is nothing left for her to milk my wallet with. I'm guessing next I will get papers telling me how to comb my hair??? Haha
I'm guessing next I will get papers telling me how to comb my hair???
Thank goodness I had already lost all of mine.
To your point, I remember thinking a few times "well, at least this is the end." Here's the thing, as long as you are both coparenting S4, it will NEVER end. What CAN end is how you react to stuff. Eventually, it will just stop hurting. It's like if you jabbed Superman in the ribs - I dont think it would bother him much.
Uphill - I haven't had to shell out any money yet for his choice but I am sure it's coming. My L is fighting for me to not pay a some for a divorce I don't want. We will see. I can see how this would be aggravating for you. Just wanted to offer my support too.
Thanks for stopping by vise and ep! All support is appreciated.
Azz... You have a way with words man. It makes us open our eyes to what is really happening the way you describe things. Thank you for that.
It means nothing, just wanted to share. XF called after work all giddy and cheery. Telling me a few things which I didn't have to know and could have been said later during call to S4. I can tell I haven't spoke to her at all for a few days. That is when she does this haha
I woke up this morning with a thought that I cannot shake. XF seems to be the fool. I am a very good person, dad, spouse, caretaker... I bent over backwards for many years putting her before myself, and to walk away from that is stupid.
It does not make this easier, but it makes me feel a great deal better about myself. Someday, somebody will be able to appreciate what I offer and give me the same in return
Up -
Keep in mind that today (not someday) people do appreciate what you offer!
With that said, everyone can be better. Learn (if you haven't) your contributions and work on those items to do your best in the next relationship.
Thanks mahhhty!
Just stopping in to journal a bit since I've been too busy to update for a few days. Life has been fairly calm the past few days. Met s4 and XF at a doctor appointment yesterday. S4 had a checkup and everything went well.
Last evening, I went out and met up with a woman who had been showing a bit of interest lately. We had a few drinks, all went well but I just didn't feel like we click. She's a very nice person, attractive, and nothing in particular that steers me away. I just can't picture myself "with" her so I'm not gonna waste any more of either of our time.
Today, I picked up S4 and went to my parents house. Ended up going with them to let S4 pick out their Christmas tree. Fun times! He had fun showing them around like an "old pro" because he knew how it all worked from when we went to get ours
.
Oh, and when I picked him up at XF's place, she walked out of the bathroom in a towel??? Wtf is that about haha saw more of her today than I have in months, but for once it didn't bother me at all. Actually kinda disgusted me...
So the Monday morning "spin cycle" has its grasp on me again... No clue why? Mind is just racing with all the stuff that doesn't deserve any head space.
Thank you for dropping by my thread from reading just a few of the pages I can see your strength we are all going to spin from time to time I am with you on this
Take care my friend
Ghost
Ghost, I appreciate you reading up on my sitch and stopping by to say hi. All the support here is appreciated... With that said, at this point in the game, I think your time may be better spent re-reading your situation and also re-reading the books? I'm not trying to push you away from me in any way, but we need to get you a bit more stabilized here buddy. Let's get ghost figured out. See what works for him. Then in the near future we can sit around and compare notes
I will also post this on your thread to make sure you see it.
I think your time may be better spent re-reading your situation and also re-reading the books?
I find I get the most benefit and the clearest understanding by posting in other's threads. But thats just me
/hijack
Hey, if that's what works for ghost... Post away man! Haha I have no problem at all with that! I just thought if we got him concentrated on "him" a little more it may help?
Everybody is different so find what works and go for it!
I also have a disclaimer to add, many things I do and say aren't really "by the book" per say. I don't suggest any of those things when reading my posts. I get the theory an principles behind it. I can typically give advise based on that. I have a bit of a struggle giving myself the same advise! What I've done, got me where I am. Not exactly where I saw myself being at this point, but it allowed me to drop the rope, even if I caused more damage on my way there.
Just stopping in to say hi. Things have been pretty relaxed the past day or two on my end. Upcoming support hearing has me a little nervous but other than that it's been a good few days.
Can't wait until tomorrow night and Friday. My turn with S4, not sure what we will get into but we will find something.
Just noting this, nothing that means anything to me but I did find it a little odd. Back when my situation began, XF started a new job and began to push away friends she had for years to make room for all these "new" friends. It is through this group of people that she met eventual OM. Not sure what happened, but a mutual friend told me last night that these people are dropping off her Facebook friends list like flies. Must have been a fallout of sorts amongst them... I told her back in the beginning that the new people would drop her like a rock and the people who have been there forever would give her the shirt off her back and she didn't want to hear it. I guess she's finding out the hard way.
Enough about that, time to get back to work and keep thinking up plans for S4 and myself. This time of the year it should be easy!
Kinda wondering what XF is up to now? She has been way to "nice" the past few days. Calling instead of texting, pleasant at S4 swaps, just overall nice. Usually when this lasts a day or so, she catches herself and puts the walls back up. When it lasts this long it has been a pattern that she did something and feels guilty... Kinda like she builds me up for the surprise?
Blinders on and not giving it a reaction. Just wanted to get it off my chest...
What's "up",
My W has the new friends as well, I think they do it because the new friends don't know yalls history and what they are leaving behind. It makes it easier to stray when your "friends" aren't pressuring you. IMHO
Oh I get that part of it 2ltl, they push away anybody who doesn't agree with them. I just find it a bit ironic that these people are now no longer there like they were... I want so bad to say "I told you so" but I won't. It's no big deal just worth noting.
Thinking of that and then my last post about an hour ago, maybe those two things are related? She could be looking for support from other places now? Hmmm
I got on to put up a post,but after re reading my last one I want to add a few words to that first... The reason I truly believe the WW pushes away people who are close and replaces them with new people is because the new ones are easier to get on their side. They don't know anything about the sitch except for what the WW tells them. It is easy to sway a jury's verdict if there is no defense. The old friends know the history, see the changes, see the damage. New people only see what they are served on a platter...
Back to my original thought. I almost don't even want to be at work today. I am excited to spend time with S4 and see what kind of shenanigans we can get into? I may end up working a little late tonight just so I don't have to go in tomorrow? Hmmm desicions.... Haha
Hi Uphill! Thought I would drop in for a bit after being away. Looks like you are doing well!
Kinda wondering what XF is up to now? She has been way to "nice" the past few days. Calling instead of texting, pleasant at S4 swaps, just overall nice. Usually when this lasts a day or so, she catches herself and puts the walls back up. When it lasts this long it has been a pattern that she did something and feels guilty... Kinda like she builds me up for the surprise?
Mine does the same thing. This past weekend, we had a GREAT time with the kids. She was her old self - touching me, laughing, getting close, etc. Then after we got home, the walls came back up. Its enough to cause a headache! I wish I knew why they did such things, and I wish I could find a way around it. Ugh.
Yes, doing much better (I feel). No closer to R, not even sure what I would do at this point if it was on the table? I still find my mind wandering and/or spinning from time to time but those moments are fewer and further between...
As far as the hot cold cycle. It's used to be killer. Every time she was nice for a few days I would get my hopes up just to be kicked in the nuts. Now I just act like I don't take notice and giggle afterwards, while thinking "what is she up to now?" Haha I've come to terms with the fact that aliens have abducted the person I knew and replaced her with a slutty, psycho version of herself. One that repulses me. Unless the real XF sometime escapes from the mothership and survives the fall back to earth, I want nothing to do with her!
There could me many explanations for why they act that way, one being it's not on purpose. They have convinced themselves leaving us is the right decision so they dont want to do feel anything that goes against that feeling. They get conformable around us and might open up a tiny bit without realixing it. Then, they realize that fact and even worse they realize you might see it also. So they backtrack to put both parties in their place.
It's important for you not to react negatively when she pulls back and not too happy when she draws closer.
I've actually had this happen to me also around W lately. I was becoming comfortable around her and letting down my guard a bit, showing her I cared about her and a little too much. I felt like she might notice also so my reaction was to pull back some.
Neither of us want to put ourselves in too much of a vulnerable position and when we realize we are from the draw of the other we backoff.
Fogg, you are so right. In the past, when she would get like this I would make myself very vulnerable. I think that would actually point it out to her how she is acting and then back off?
At this point I am not reacting to it at all. Just going about with my business and letting her do whatever it is that she does.the only way I would even acknowledge it is if the words, I'm sorry, let's talk about us, I made a mistake... Something of that sort came out of her mouth. I'm defiantly not expecting that so no sense even thinking about it. But even if that did happen, I think I would need a few days to gather my thoughts and see what I want in life before I could even respond.
In the past, when she would get like this I would make myself very vulnerable.
How did you make yourself vulnerable?
That's fine, you don't want to react to her or get any expectations if thats what shes doing. Even if she is coming closer and opening up some, even if she does something that makes you realize she still cares about you, or even loves you, doesn't mean she wants a relationship with you. Anyone in a relationship with someone else for years is going to have a connection to them, they are still going to care about that person. They are out for what will make them happy, so the above things don't mean that much.
Sandi, I would find myself following her lead earlier on. If she would be extra nice, I would too. If she would open up, same for me. When I would do anything like that she would pull away. I know, makes sense now but at the time I couldn't grasp the concept and put it in place on my own sitch.
Haha just have to share this as it gave me a chuckle. S4 was on the phone with XF. She asked what he did today and he replied with, play with (unknown to XF) female name. I heard her ask him again and he replied the same thing again. Then he told her that this female should come to dads house to play with him. I couldn't help but hear the change in her voice and she was very quick to get off the phone.
Unknown to her, my sister was BABYSITTING a friends little girl... The way she took it, and I didn't step in and correct it, was that this was a grown woman who may be coming to my house. I am sure that has her thinking haha I know it gave me a good laugh!
Uphill, that is funny, a little jealousy never hurts! She is probably stalking your social media to try to figure out who "she" is.
Oh I'm sure she is looking down all avenues and this just turned into a sleepless night for her. She can look all she wants, because it's an uncommon name and I know nobody else with it other than this 6 month old... I'll sleep good, if I can stop giggling.
Side note, this small child has no internet access so therefore has not set up any Facebook or Twitter accounts yet haha
Ok, a little shift in this convo... Looking for an answer to a question I haven't seen answered. I am taking S4 to finish up Christmas shopping. He had brought up about a week ago that he wanted to get his mom a gift. I do not want to even acknowledge the holiday to her, but do I allow him to pick her something small from just him?
Up, I took all 3 of my boys last night to pick out stuff for W. It makes the kids happy, which makes me happy. Also, W knows who took them, proving that you aren't uncaring selfish or whatever she wants to think you are. Have to show the improved you, right?
Good luck!
It's done! Haha I wanted to let him, not for me but for him. The place I was conflicted is that she would know where it actually came from even if he picked it... What's 40 bucks right? He was happy so that makes me happy
Wow, really weird S4 swap just happened at my house! XF showed up, me and S4 were having some fun outside. She came and stood on the porch watching until he saw her (I honestly saw her out of the corner of my eye a few minutes sooner and didn't acknowledge or look that way). After a little longer, we all went in to get his stuff. We packed up some Christmas cookies for her to take with because me and S4 baked way to many. Exchanged a few jokes about who the better cook is, she ate a cookie and said S4 gets his skills from her because the cookies were very good. At that point I joked that they weren't burned so the skills defiantly didn't come from her! Haha then walked over and hit the test button on the smoke alarm and reminded her that her timer still works
.
So we all ended up in his room packing a bag of clothes and she was just super nice and stayed close? This continued for about a half hour, wherever I went in the house she was there. Even offered up a few pics in her phone for me to see...
Just a weird overall experience. Even when they left, after I buckled him in her car, she stood right behind me almost as if she was waiting for a kiss when I backed out of the car. I obviously didn't bite or react the entire time but wanted to come here and get it all out of my head.
Up, on the gift... you made your s4 happy. Made yourself happy. That's what us important. Plus, it may have the added benefit of making xf happy.
All in all, 40 bones well spent.
Keep up the good work!
Please start a new thread.