I've made the shift! Detached from H (mostly) and have started my self-work. At the moment, I'm learning about codependency, a much further reaching topic than I thought.
Old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2623788&page=1
I'm proud of who you are Ancaire. You are going through a lot but you still keep focusing on you. You are becoming stronger every day. Cheers to you :-)
Hi Ancaire, that seems to be a misconception about co-dependency. Keep investing your time into improving yourself, Ancaire is worth it.
In a totally different subject. You mentioned where you live once. I will not repeat it to maintain your privacy.I have a geography question that does not reveal where you are. I am interested in the area around the city of Santa Fe, New Mexico. Do you have any thoughts, feelings, experiences or opinions about that area of New Mexico? Have you been there? If so I would love to get your take on it. Be well
Mutatio, I don't mind if you mention the state I live in. It's so big, it would take forever to find me.
As to your question; yes, indeed, I have been in that area. It is gorgeous. But it is very "red". Colorado Rockies are green, lush, and full of water - but the farther south you go, it gets less green and more desert-like. It's much warmer in the Sante Fe area, and I strongly prefer the lower altitude. I think it's phenomenal, unlike any other area in the US. Strikingly historical, Spanish/Native American style buildings (no sky-scrapers here), and a vibrant artists community. Clearly, I'm a huge fan.
New Mexico is basically a state with a lot of open land, with a few heavily populated areas. It's got mountains, but they're not the green kind. The only bear I've ever spotted in the wild was in New Mexico! I never saw one the entire time we lived in Colorado...although I did get up close and personal with a Moose once. We scared the crap out of one another!
For peace and quiet, with the option of seeing people? Santa Fe.
Hi, thank you for responding. My wife loves the green of CO. Although I do also, the high desert of Santa Fe draws me in. I am interested in making art and Santa Fe works for me that way too. I have been to both areas a half dozen times and love the region. I was going to accept CO if my wife was my wife. Now I think that Santa Fe is a real option for me. I was hoping your thoughts were positive and I'm glad to see they were. Thanks again for your insight, I am going to do it if I am a free agent.
Anc, if you want to discuss the FOO issues, I can listen. We can sidebar on a new thread. With second life identities.
V
I realized today that while I am detaching from H, there is a really unhealthy element to my detachment. I can't tell you how many times I catch myself muttering "I hate H" throughout the day. The good moments are when I feel mostly numb. His mess, leave him to it.
Far too frequently, it's mixed up with bitterness. I'm trying to pay attention to it, and move my feelings in a more positive direction when I catch it, but it's really hard. I really do have a well of hatred with H's name on it after all that has transpired. I'm not sure how to handle it. Give it time? Let things settle?
The hatred emotion is hard on my body; I get tense, breathing gets shallow, heart rate increases - but it is there. I realize that what I'm doing, being aware of and redirecting the emotion, is hugely helpful. But the fact is that I harbor ill will. I'm not capable of forgiveness right now. His actions hurt my children, too, something I trusted him to never do.
Has anyone struggled with this? Have you successfully moved past it? How?
Ancaire, I catch myself mumbling "I hate H" all the time, and flipping him the bird behind his back at least a couple of times a day. I didn't realize that was a problem. You are such a good person.
Ancaire, I catch myself mumbling "I hate H" all the time, and flipping him the bird behind his back at least a couple of times a day. I didn't realize that was a problem. You are such a good person.
I'm not sure laughing as hard as I just did is good for me anymore!!! The teens in the living room paused their movie to holler at me and ask if I was ok. ROFLMAO
Good one, Pho!
How I wish I'd read this book, Codependent No More, years ago! It got to the point that the term codependent was overused, and the really important information was lost, becoming something of a joke. Just working my way through the chapters, I've basically come up with a roadmap on how I want to go forward. I also understand why my wiser mentors were so unwilling to allow me to carry guilt and shame for my one violent moment.
I'm really beginning to understand why everything must start with me. I'm not going to spend a lot of time worrying about my childhood. I see what happened. I am planning to spend my energy working on becoming a whole person again. There's a lot of things about me I like...but what am I doing with those?
Back to reading/healing...
*Pho, we've already identified your in-laws as toxic people. I can understand why you'd be reluctant to read the book after their behaviors. I assure you, they missed the point. From one adult child of an alcoholic to another, I recommend you read the book. Given its age, some of the info isn't new, but the author's thought process as the book unfolds is important. I keep seeing both of us in different areas. It's a great book for me in my self-growth journey.
I like codependency for dummies. (Really I do)
I like stuff structured and with checklists of things to do.
I also like Brain surgery on WH for beginners, and Build your own resentment kit.
All freely available on every corner.
What you have my lovely is anger, I am pleased to see it, use it, it is very useful. It is next phase in Kubler Ross. Absolutely on cue.
V
Your journey of self exploration seems to be going well. I am glad you perspective is changing. Following this change will come the Aha moment and then you will see things as they truly are. You are doing well grasshopper (Kung Fu reference).
V, I am laughing so hard my S11 is accusing me of laughing at him and he left the room crying. Yes, he is that sensitive. You are so funny, you really should have your own reality show.
Ancaire, its good we don't live near each other because I think we could get into a lot of trouble. Then again, I have mastered the art of STFU and non-reactivity, so maybe we'd be fine. I have also been having the urge to stick thumb tacks in H's back while he is asleep, haven't acted on it yet but the thought is satisfying.
Mutatio- my sons made me watch that movie 3x in the past month and my mind is now numb from it, but I am pretty sure it was a praying mantis.
I love my DB friends. I wish I met you all sooner in happier times, but then again, we probably wouldn't have bonded this well because we were so busy with our *perfect* lives with no idea of the time bomb that was about to go off.
I will use the anger to move myself forward. I had a conversation with H days ago discussing my upcoming move. I told him that I was going to have the kids come help me pack the things I wanted and put them in storage. H told me to make a list and he would do it. I said okay, but wasn't very happy about it.
Today it hit me...more controlling behavior from H. I don't want him packing my stuff. I want to spend time with my kids...probably something else he'd like to control. H is hugely in love with his belief that my tattling on him caused the kids to view him differently. Here's an idea, H; What about conducting your life in a manner that will not cause you embarrassment if you get found out? How dare he blame me because his actions disappointed our children?!?
He tried to tell me one of the daughters was avoiding him because of me. I tried to point out all the possible reasons she may not have been available. WTF? I am way too nice! Screw you, H!!! You acted like pond scum, and she's not happy with you. I didn't keep your secret? Too damn bad!
He's been parading around, calling me a "felon", acting like he is so far above me, warning me that he is "this close to throwing me out"...and I've been validating his feelings! "I'm DBing", I would tell myself. Bullcrap. I was allowing myself to be manipulated and abused again.
I need to use this anger for now. Channel it, and allow it to toughen me up enough to do what I need to do to get out of here. I can collapse when I'm safely at my mother's house. I also need to be smart. No confronting, no talks...just quietly doing what needs doing and staying out of H's way. "I'm beaten" is the game I will be playing in front of H. Boring, nothing interesting here.
In the meantime, I'll be documenting, recording, and limiting his access to me. Last week, he tried to tell me he wanted me out in 2 weeks. We haven't even agreed on divorce terms, and he's telling me I have to leave? Whatever. Heart problems had me in bed most of last week - had to rest a lot because I wasn't getting enough oxygen. I'm feeling better now, but may not admit to it. He left me alone for the most part. The 2 conversations were initiated by me, and 1 was because I'm trying to make financial amends for the wreck! And even that one got me attacked...good grief.
Anc
Easy, take your time.
Enjoy your packing with your kids, no rush. It's ok, you know.
Take care of your health.
Anc, you have learned so much, this is advanced grey rock, even grey breeze block. Wow, took me a year to get that!
When you get to mums you will find you are so fascinated by it all, there will be a little bit of V's excitement. I doubt you will collapse, more rest, recovery and healing. I see it already in the laser show.
I see a star cast future.
V
Emotional night tonight...talked for a couple of hours with my twins about past issues. Out of all the kids, my babies suffered the most as the depressive disorder got worse. I love them so desperately - it kills me to know how much I hurt them when I withdrew from the world to the extent I did.
I'm making amends where I can in my life. This is a really important step for me. In cases where my actions have caused such deep harm, it's excruciating to dig it all up to apologize and lay my soul so bare. On the other hand, my boys now know, for certain, how much they mean to me - how deeply sorry I am for not managing myself in a more effective manner - I realize how much my illness harmed them, too.
Both offered me forgiveness. Both told me how much they love me and always will. Both told me I could make amends by keeping my promise to become as healthy as I possibly can in all areas. I don't deserve them, but I am so thankful for my youngest children right now. I am thankful for their loving, generous hearts.
This making amends is hard work! I feel scraped raw inside. I have no intention of stopping before I get to the other side. I have a feeling this is some of the most important work in my life.
Both offered me forgiveness. Both told me how much they love me and always will. Both told me I could make amends by keeping my promise to become as healthy as I possibly can in all areas. I don't deserve them, but I am so thankful for my youngest children right now. I am thankful for their loving, generous hearts.
I can really relate to what you say here, Ancaire, especially coming from your kids.
That grateful emotion can be so powerful!
Lately I have been feeling grateful for a lot of things in my life.
Someone said: “
It’s a good thing we don’t get what we deserve. I’m grateful because I get far more than I deserve.”
I will dare to suggest one article from a course I am taking in hopes that you find it useful.
****//greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_gratitude_can_help_you_through_hard_times
Ancaire, your children get their compassion and loving hearts from you. You are a good mother. We all make mistakes. Please forgive yourself.
^^^^^^^^^ - remember this Ancaire
When your soul bottom is scraped raw, the barnacles clinging to it are all gone like the impediments to smooth sailing. After that it's into maintaining, a tad easier.
Trust your higher power, your boat will zip, glide and manage its course. The steering is lighter, the course takes less effort, and the rudder moves freely.
Apologise for the effects of the depression, not for having it. Just as you apologise and atone for the effects of the crash but not for having it. Next steps is Anc making amends to herself.
Much laser strength
V
On the boat analogy. Make sure to dock in calm waters. When you are docked and the water is flowing the barnacles will attach and grow at a faster rate. Remember this when choosing a boat slip. The dock hands wont tell you.
You are doing great. I promise your hard work will start to return dividends. Just be flexible about what you call a dividend. You are working for good things, but good things will start to pop out of the weirdest places, things you completely were not expecting.
I am so happy you are getting great help for codependency. Just remember not to fix that label to yourself with superglue. That is not you, you are not that. That may have defined your past, but it does not define you. You define you.
I promise to not stick myself with a label while I am on this journey. I'm also not apologizing for any illnesses, but only the things I could have managed better. My next step is learning to love myself. As I'm wrapping up the book on codependency, I've begun a new book called The Gifts of Imperfection...about releasing expectations and embracing who you are.
Vanilla was so very correct - once you know, you can't unknow. This journey I'm on is really exciting! I'm learning how to build and maintain really great boundaries, I can spot manipulation, I'm learning to apologize and let go, I'm creating and tracking goals...I really believe I'm on the cusp of something great, but I need to really understand and embrace these basic truths first. No idea what is headed my way, but I'm really excited about it!
For the first time ever, H is in the house and I could care less. My deepest desire is that I don't have to speak to him at all today. He just annoys me more than anything with his attempts at manipulation and condescension. Just last week, my heart would speed up when he was home! Still physically weak, but improving...I'll just keep "resting" today. I feel like I'm on some kind of secret mission. LOL
I'm filling my brain and soul with so much life-altering information, while acting completely bland and boring so H has no idea how much I have changed. My instincts are confirming this is the path to follow for now.
Thank you so much for the support and light directed to me. I accept it, gratefully, with an open heart and open mind. Life is good, and getting even better!
Anc
I read about your concerns about alcohol dependency. Everything you say tends me to think you have an issue with hypoglycaemia, this is a biggie for me too. It might also explain some of the crazy town reactions too. Alcohol, carbs, sugar can all drive blood sugar cravings, it could be worth checking bloods for this. It's relatively cheap to do. A diabetes check too may be needed.
Try googling hypoglycaemia see if anything shakes loose.
Alcohol cravings often come from sugar.
This is from web MD
When Your Blood Sugar Gets Too Low
(continued)
In this article
Symptoms
Diabetes Drugs Linked to Hypoglycemia
Diet and Hypoglycemia
Treatment
When You Have Low Blood Sugar
If You Pass Out
Do Not Drive When You Have Low Blood Sugar
Preventing Hypoglycemia
Treatment
If you have diabetes and think you have hypoglycemia, check your blood sugar level.
Do your levels often drop after meals that include a lot of sugars? Change your diet. Avoid sugary foods, and eat frequent small meals during the day.
If you get low blood sugar when you haven't eaten, have a snack before bedtime, such as a protein or a more complex carbohydrate.
Your doctor may find that you take too much insulin that peaks toward the evening-to-morning hours. In that case, she may lower your insulin dose or change the time when you get your last dose of it.
When You Have Low Blood Sugar
First, eat or drink 15 grams of a fast-acting carbohydrate, such as:
Three to four glucose tablets
One tube of glucose gel
Four to six pieces of hard candy (not sugar-free)
1/2 cup fruit juice
1 cup skim milk
1/2 cup soft drink (not sugar-free)
1 tablespoon honey (put it under your tongue so it gets absorbed into your bloodstream faster)
Fifteen minutes after you've eaten a food with sugar in it, check your blood sugar again. If your blood sugar is still less than 70 mg/dL, eat another serving of one of the foods listed above. Repeat these steps until your sugar becomes normal.
If You Pass Out
Hypoglycemia may make you pass out. If so, you'll need someone to give you a glucagon injection.
Glucagon is a prescription medicine that raises blood sugar, and you may need it if you have severe hypoglycemia. It's important that your family members and friends know how to give the injection in case you have a low blood sugar reaction.
If you see someone having a severe hypoglycemic reaction, call 911 or take him or her to the nearest hospital for treatment. Do not try to give an unconscious person food, fluids, or insulin, as they may choke.
Do Not Drive When You Have Low Blood Sugar
It's very dangerous. If you're driving and you have hypoglycemia symptoms, pull off the road, check your blood sugar, and eat a sugary food. Wait at least 15 minutes, check your blood sugar, and repeat these steps if necessary. Eat a protein and carbohydrate source (such as peanut butter crackers or cheese and crackers) before you drive on.
Be prepared. Keep a sugar source in your car at all times for emergencies.
V
Hey anc, from my thread I wanted to bring to convo to you for continuity.
First I want to tell you thank you for being such an amazing soul. The fact that you are here despite 'the husband butt-headedness' tells me loads about you. Reading your posts over the last couple of months tells me so much more!
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From my thread:
I see a lot of myself in your wife's past behaviors. Our situations are different because you didn't dive off the deep end like my H, and become an abusive butt-head. I truly realize that until H comes to his senses and apologizes for his treatment of me, I'm better off with complete NC/total darkness.
In my self-reflection, though, as I'm striving to learn all I can about myself so that I can fix what needs fixing and grow into the best person I can be, I see so clearly my own actions and behaviors that led to the demise of my M. I understand I am in no way responsible for H' s choices. I am responsible for his getting to a point that there was a choice. Does that make sense? I accept responsibility for me and my actions. I acknowledge I helped put H in a bad position. I'm NOT responsible for his choice of behaviors.
I'm attempting to get to the point..LOL
My behaviors are on me. I want to fix them. I'd like H to someday see that I heard what he said, took his complaints to heart, and worked on it. How can that happen if we're totally NC? We share adult children, but until the day he apologizes for treating me so cruelly, I plan to not speak to him...ever.
You may say it's too early for me to worry about it. Divorce is inevitable at this point. I'm as fine with that as I can be since he's out actively bedding OW. Is there redemption possible? Does a man completely stop loving? Is he so hurt by her apparent apathy that his heart turns cold? I just want him to know how deeply sorry I am for not having been what he needed me to be. I could have done more, Z...and I didn't.
Maybe I just need to accept that there is no real way to tell. I'm trying to look into the future, aren't I? What can you males tell me, from your point of view, what can I do to gain forgiveness? I didn't cheat or lie...I just withdrew to the point of not being there at all. H says I really hurt him. There's probably truth in that statement...No happily married person jumps into MLC.
I'm shaking my head at myself right now. Clearly, I still deeply love my H. He is toxic to me at the moment. NC is the best way to proceed. I would cut off my arm to save him. I'm so worried about the cost to his soul his awful choices are causing. (And I hear the chorus...let him go)
So, Z...since I see so much of myself in your wife, what happened that changed the dynamic? Do you have advice for me with that type of behavior in mind? I've given you tons of questions here, you and the other guys...but it's so helpful to get a male perspective.
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There are a lot of questions in there, I think some were for me and some were for you :
You have chosen to look deep inside and change the way that you behave / react / live. I didn't say FIX, because you are not broken like so many counselors or 'experts' say. I think that it is Bullshit to say someone is broken in that context.
I think that we are all wired differently and the fact that you can see your issues in the past is GOLDEN. if you can continue to look at your history within your marriage, there is hope. You are right, your were not responsible for your Husbands choice, neither is he responsible for yours. As for redemption, that is always possible while you keep the door open and the bridge unburnt.
Now to specific questions in terms of your husband. I can answer from my perspective, first hand accounts of men in my position and second hand accounts in postings that I have read.
Your husband is still so very angry. plain and simple, angry because his needs were not met. angry because he was not appreciated - or shown that appreciation. He is angry that for so long he was not happy with the marriage the way he thought it should have been. Angry that you were closed off from him.
Is that on you, well mostly NO and maybe just a little yes
.
No because he is responsible for his own happiness and should not have relied on you for that aspect of his upkeep. We rely so much on the woman’s validating our manliness, etc….too much so really. I would say most men have no idea that this is how it should be. I didn't, that is for sure. we have these expectations on how our marriage should be, nice guys are terrible about that...when we have unmet expectations it turns into resentment...resentment ultimately turns to anger. The woman is responsible for the emotional upkeep of the marriage, when they don’t $hit just falls apart. Men have no idea how to make that work, really most can’t cope with that and they get fed up and angry and leave. I see in on the boards, In my neighborhood and in my family. Sad, yes.
I've read thousands of posting in marriages where the men just get pi$$ed that they are not appreciated, made to feel special, not shown the 'love' they 'deserve'. (two way street, I know, but you are here so I can't tell him
) It always turns into anger eventually. That is on HIM. If we were all emotionally aware, and able to meet our own emotional needs then things would be different I guess, but that is not how things are.
But there was a yes in there too. That comes down to how we get to the point where we stop really showing appreciation for things. men, especially prototypical nice guys need that show of appreciation for them working, doing, whatever. Eventually they stop. We know that acts of service, physical touch, WOA, gifts, QT, all of it is a gift of love...just different ways to express it. When we start to live without fulfilling those most precious LL's for our spouses, they almost start to reject the other ones out of anger. I see it all the time where a wife thinks she is doing something nice by giving husband a nice gift and he basically disregards it or whatever, because it really isn't what he wanted as his reward for his endeavors.
I am not saying this is the answer to your quandaries as what can you do, I am just giving a background for why sooo many husbands get PO'd and snap. he finds someone after years of 'disappointment' and 'unhappiness' that shows him appreciation or a little twinkle and he is gone. This is not that dissimilar with women ( boy do I know that the door swings both ways )...it is mostly just different love languages. Was there something in his past that exacerbated this, maybe. Yours, maybe.
So what can you do?. He needs to go down his own path. One thing you can do, validation of his pain can work wonders. He is angry at you still and has love for you. As long as there is anger in his heart, though that will be hard for him to change. That MLC path will be his to follow. You can start, though to change the path home. you read about validating your MLC'r, right...not just what he is saying now or what his feelings are now, but validating his pain from longing or not understanding or wanting to feel appreciated.
If you are still keeping score about who did what and when, that needs to stop. I am not talking about whipping the slate clean, because the past has information that you need and you still have to evaluate all of what has gone on here. I am talking about stopping any retribution for his actions and keeping track. Forgiveness will need to come, YES IT WILL, that is the only way you are going to make it past this whole thing, but that is for you!
As to their heart being cold, I have no idea how long your husband has been in his 'state' he could be a long ways off from being ready to even looking at himself. I think that those folks on the MLC forum will give you a better idea of how truly far away his is from seeking a way home.
At some point, " I just want him to know how deeply sorry I am for not having been what he needed me to be. I could have done more, Z...and I didn't " will need to be said, written to him to basically explain that. A letter of explanation and understanding of what was the undoing from your side…. if I heard that from my wife, think I would faint. Really I would. At some point, just not right now. Maybe one of the vets would be able to handle the when part. Things need to be a little calmer for that sort of thing to make an impact…if they are just fuming, nothing you say will make a bit of difference.
One more thought of the future:
He might be toxic right now, yes...lets just imagine something, what if he wasn't. just imagine if his heart wasn't cold to you. just imagine that he is no longer angry, would be come home? What would be different this time? He spent 20+ years of his life with you, how would this go around be any different. Is what he would need from you something that you could be?
Can you be the compassionate / appreciative person he would need moving forward? was his desires for physical intimacy / QT / WOA something that you feel would compromise who you are now or would want to be in the future ( I don't know him from Adam so forgive me if I've missed the boat on my guess of what his LL's are)? I am not suggesting you need to turn yourself into a sex slave (please don't think that is where I am going like that). I am only asking if his needs could be met by you in the future...is that something you could do or is it just too far apart for it to be realistic?
As for now, you keep focus on you for now. Forgiveness for yourself and working towards the rebuilding of the connection with your kids. You keep with your IC sessions - no excuses. When you have interactions with your H...STFU & Validate, you need to evaluate your boundaries and make sure you are protecting yourself. Your 180's can be shown during those times you see him. He will see them, I promise, especially when he has an expected response from you and you show him a pleasant change instead.
One more thing I wanted to touch on with you before I forget and it is a little off topic, it is a concept of emotional currency. You had mentioned a sort of bartering system with sex that it seemed like happened. I think that there is some truth about how I’ve witnessed things in my marriage as well as in others, where I thought I should get x if I did Y. maybe that was how my relationship started, not sure about yours. But if you think about that…was there a system in place that just changed? Was that something to look at. Now for me I know now how that cannot work, physical affection and sex are not currency, they are gifts in and of themselves and the gifts must be given of free will otherwise it is not a gift at all. I am pretty sure most men do not see it that way.
Sorry, but I typed this all rather quickly and much of it on my phone, so sorry for bad grammar or spelling or punctuation or continuity. I know I type too much and am not concise in my thoughts too, so for that I apologize if confusing.
I will be around if you have any questions, I would love to be able to help!!! Hopefully if I am off base, you can tell me thanks-but-no-thanks or someone will be glad to tear this apart better than I.
(((Ancaire)))
://www.diabetes.co.uk/driving-and-hypoglycaemia.html
From my diabetes uk site add http.
V
Dear Judy,
Per your request, I am stopping by your thread. I read most of your first thread and skimmed up to here. First, I'm so very sorry you are here. It's a wonderful place to be for a crappy reason. (OH a few questions first, as I am confused about the number of children you have and if any are his children from his first marriage. And are they all in the same geographic area as you? )
In one earlier post, you discuss your "hatred" of your h. I think it might really be anger. And imo, the difference is mainly that anger CAN be temporary, whereas hatred usually is not.
As you are discovering, your anger (or hatred, and the distinction is not important for the specific point I'm trying to make)
is HARMING YOU. Therefore, you must release it. (Of course easier said than done.)
I am not saying it's easy to do at all, but it's also not complicated. Meaning, there's no argument FOR being angry over time.
It's NOT helping you detach - so much as it is morphing grief into anger, b/c for many people, feeling our anger is more accessible or tolerable, than grief.
When you referred to your "heart failure", do you mean arrhythmias, COPD, actual heart attacks, or what? Needless to say, emotions play a role in our physical health.
Here's a quote about anger that I found helpful: "Holding onto anger to punish someone else, ---is like lighting yourself on fire - -
-- to get smoke in their eyes."
Betrayed spouses often feel the wayward spouse is not deserving of forgiveness and therefore they choose to hold onto their anger as a misguided attempt at being fair.
But like I said^^, feeling the anger or hatred and negativity in you, absolutely harms you more than it will ever harm him. This was a huge revelation for me when I was in your shoes. In fact, my anger at h seemed to justify his choices to leave.
(My situation was not identical to yours. But the issues of anger & sense of injustice I felt, were extreme. So some of your comments reminded me of that dark time).
Fortunately I had a DB coach who was a Godsend for me. I also had a T/MC and he was good (my h liked him, which was a first). But for specific suggestions and aid, I think my DB coach was the single best resource I availed myself of. Please consider it. You may say it's expensive but considering the cost of divorce and poor healthy, I'd say I got my money's worth and more.
My DB Coach's core advice at the beginning of my "adventure" was
to 1) Lose the Anger & Remain Calm, (at least in front of your h). The anger simply does not help you or the relationship or your family. Period.
2) Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does (NOT b/c you necessarily want to reconcile, but b/c you want more of the positives & less of the crap behaviors from him) AND
3) Do NOT fuel his negative perceptions/justifications for leaving with "X" behaviors.
Instead, Counter the negatives He uses to justify wanting out of the m, with new different and positive behaviors. For instance, let's say he can't stand that you are "always late for things."
You become the epitome of PUNCTUALITY and arrive on time (or early) for every appointment/event, etc. You do NOT point this change out, as that will be seen as a tactic rather than an authentic change.
The point is that you want him to doubt his negative "Data" about you; to wonder if it is no longer (or ever was) justified...
4) (and this last one helped with almost every other step) GAL & DETACH
In my experience, one cannot really detach without GAL first.
Anyway, You also said you've suffered from depression and that it made you angry with your h (and or life in general) for some years prior to the BD. So what I'm gleaning from that, is that the unhealthy ways you two have been addressing (but not resolving) conflict have been happening for some time and were more or less mutual.
Which means it's harder to change and trust the change (but not impossible. In your case he's already noticing).
Now the abusive aspects are evolving and changing some b/c you are trying to take the high road, which is very commendable.
Being a woman of substance, to ME, means
being a woman of grace & dignity, behaving with self restraint and self respect -
and these^^^ you will never regret.
This^^ "woman of substance" does Not being a doormat, but it does require that you rid yourself of this consuming anger. For it consumes YOU, and that's self inflicted damage you are in charge of for you are not powerless of this.
(For now, at least not showing it to your h, is a crucial step.)
PS
Sorry for the length of this but it does help to use your own post to follow along the same train of thought.
So here goes.
I realized today that while I am detaching from H, there is a really unhealthy element to my detachment.
^^Super important realization. If need be, start catching yourself doing it and put the STOP SIGN image in your head and change the internal dialogue. Get AND USE a new mantra, like "I am getting through this" and "I am creating a better life for myself", etc.
I can't tell you how many times I catch myself muttering "I hate H" throughout the day. The good moments are when I feel mostly numb. His mess, leave him to it.
Far too frequently, it's mixed up with bitterness.
That's a common path for people who do NOT grow from this ordeal. There are elements of choice in your path and one of them is to Not choose bitterness.
Earlier in your threads you identified how your own anger at life or your health issues (depression turned outward?) had fueled negativity in the marriage and in how your h viewed you.
So we know we have to Get Better, Not bItter. Fight that bitterness b/c it's like that consuming anger, which consumes YOU and helps no one. Replace it with a new positive.
It will improve your overall life (and probably your health) and becoming a happier more loving woman, with more peace within, is something no one can take away from you AND is a gift you can create for yourself.
It might be the biggest DB lesson around.
I'm trying to pay attention to it, and move my feelings in a more positive direction when I catch it, but it's really hard. I really do have a well of hatred with H's name on it after all that has transpired. I'm not sure how to handle it. Give it time? Let things settle?
That, AND taking pro active steps, even if only emotional/mental ones, to change it.
There are some great youtube videos from TED Talks (2012 I think) by Sean Achor and Amy Cuddy on positive thinking and the power of positive psychology.
They are not just spouting "new age happy" thoughts but presenting empirical data that shows how we can cognitively help ourselves to create more happiness in our lives. The talks are only about 20 min long and "entertaining" enough that everyone who watches seems to get something out of them. I'm sure there are many other forms of cognitive behavioral therapy that help us with this as well.
The hatred emotion is hard on my body; I get tense, breathing gets shallow, heart rate increases - but it is there. I realize that what I'm doing, being aware of and redirecting the emotion, is hugely helpful. But the fact is that I harbor ill will. I'm not capable of forgiveness right now. His actions hurt my children, too, something I trusted him to never do.
Getting rid of the anger is a step in forgiveness - but it is not the same.
And you do not have to achieve all of this now. Besides, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not him. In fact, you don't even have to let him know when you do it.
Forgiveness Is not about him; it's about you - and how you see your life and future and what type or amount of baggage you want to carry around with you.
Forgiveness is not approval of misconduct or permission for more of it. It's about you letting go of the pain someone else inflicted on you, so that the pain does not become a part of your soul.
When I realized I wanted to forgive my h, I also realized a few other things.
First off, there was simply no way we could reconcile without forgiveness, OR help our children live happy lives, (regardless of reconciling or not) AND that I could not carry around a sense of victimhood AND feel content within, unless I let go of that pain and to do that, I had to forgive my h, so that was a must have for ME to be happy.
Then I realized I had never seen forgiveness growing up. So I did not know what it looked like. And I feared it would cause me more pain or expose me to more or somehow that forgiving would make me more vulnerable. But that is not true.
And I learned that forgiveness is a PROCESS, a series of choices. This process takes time and quite literally, practice. It's a learned skill for most of us.
Has anyone struggled with this? Have you successfully moved past it? How?
I think almost everyone here has struggled with this. I believe every single couple that has reconciled and restored their marriage has struggled with it and moved past it (or they were not happily married)...
OR they struggled with it, got past it and learned to live happy lives as single people,
I hope this helps you on this road. If you have not heard it already, remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Check out my timeline....yeah, 2 years. Hang in there.
Wow, Z. You basically just explained the why to me about me needing to go my way and letting H go his. I know it is what I need to do, because all the vets keep telling me that. The fact that H is currently abusive speaks to that, as well. I just couldn't wrap my mind around why and for how long.
You are 100% correct. H is ANGRY. Some of it with good reason. Will I ever be able to meet his needs? Yes. But I need to focus only on myself and heal what needs healing. Right now, I'm shattered and overwhelmed...I am barely beginning to recognize my own needs, much less worry about another's. I've stuffed down and ignored things to the point it's all coming back up...and not in a good way. I basically hated myself. I loved others, but locked in misery as I was, had so much trouble expressing it in a meaningful manner. I'd rather SHOW them, versus tell them...and showing has been nearly impossible. I have such high hopes for my future!
I've said so many hateful things to H at this point, and he to me, that NC is best. I will apologize again one day, but in a far different manner than I have already. That's for the future, so I'll just put it away for now. All this self-work has definitely distracted me from H. That's a really good thing because his power to hurt me is fading away.
I've examined my life almost back to birth. I've scraped my soul raw getting some of this crud up for examination - but I've been able to reframe so much of what I used to believe in a way that is healing and changing me in extraordinary ways. I've barely begun my journey but I see so much potential for my future and the way I'll be able to help others in the years to come.
H needs a good long while to find out just what he's done and how it's truly affected us all. I really think I'm okay with that. Imagine if we were happy, and I tried to tell him I needed to take a few years for myself to sort some things out. He'd freak, like most of us LBS! I don't like what he's doing...but I get it. It's not about me. It's about him, and what he thinks he's going to find. He won't. He was happiest as a family man, and our family just fractured...because of him. He's blaming me right now, but I bet there's a part of him that knows better, or my verbal barbs wouldn't be nearly as effective as they were.
Yes, were, because I'm done. I'm keeping my head down, doing what I need to do to move on, staying out of his way, and being mildly pleasant when I'm forced to interact. He likes to say I never loved him at all. If only he knew how wrong he is. I love him so much it hurts. The wounded parts of me that were basically strangling my soul really took their toll over the years. Odd that it took so long to manifest - well, it manifested, I just stuffed it back down, and every time it returned it was worse than the last. I'm even beginning to understand the depression a bit. Some of it is organic, but most of it is emotional damage, and that I can do something about.
I read somewhere that when a spouse is in MLC, we should try looking at it as if they have just given us the gift of time...time to work on ourselves. That enraged me when I first read it! I don't want time! I want H! I want my family! I want everything to stay the same!
Now, with clarity, I can see how true a gift this awful time really is. H and I are BOTH all kinds of messed up. I want a healed H, or an H who knows he needs healing...not this puffed-up version of superiority. Will he come around? Don't know...but if he does, I'll need to be whole and strong myself. It's going to take some time to get there. But I'm putting in the work and time, with a joyful happy heart that I am being allowed the luxury to just make it all about me for as long as it takes.
If he does not? Truly, it will break my heart for him. He was given time apart to learn, to grow, to understand what is important. But I realize it won't be my fault. I will pray for him daily. I'll send loving thoughts his direction. I will not engage in a childish/confrontational manner any longer. That's really all I can and should do. I get it. I'm crying so hard right now, but I really, truly get it. Everyone should be so lucky to have someone love and care for them as much as I love and care for H.
My understanding is increasing and my personal growth is expanding at such a rate I'm kind of in shock. What on earth is in store for me? I've got a feeling it's going to be kind of awesome...but I'm happy and content staying in the here and now.
Thank you, 25yrlmc, for stopping by! I had just reached a very similar conclusion to what you were telling me, but the time and care you took to explain why really helped both underline and deepen my understanding of why I need to stop the bitterness in its tracks. For one thing, it "feels" ugly...like hot nasty sludge working its way back into my freshly cleaned house. No thank you. All that self-examination was hard work. I'm exhausted and would prefer to keep the place tidy from now on.
Our children...let me fill in a bit. I was a single mom to one. My college sweetheart took off faster than Superman when he figured out what all that fun could lead to. So I was never married.
H had somewhat of the same situation, but he married his GF. Two kids, and 5 years later, his marriage was over and he had custody of his kids.
We met, we married, and the 5 of us were as happy as we could be. I desperately wanted "just one more". I had a heartbreaking miscarriage at 17 weeks, a few months past our first year anniversary. Somehow (snicker) I was pregnant again almost right away. TWINS!!! Red-haired identical twin boys! H and I got a huge kick out of referring to them as our "bonus kids". H adopted my daughter. I wanted to adopt his, but bio-mom wanted to stay in the picture. No problem. We had a big, happy family, kids all raised by H and me.
First 10 years...heaven. Next 10, I began struggling with health and emotional issues. Major Depressive Disorder, Congestive Heart Failure, Fibromyalgia, Migraines, Arthritis in the spine (3 surgeries so far), severe Hypertension. Every year it's been something new! So sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I'm even getting a handle on some of that, I think. My belief is that all these problems are linked together by the amount of emotional "stuffing" I do. I learned some pretty unhealthy coping strategies to get along in life. Now the problems/hurts I never really dealt with are manifesting physically.
I'm working hard on me. Just me. The way I was going, I'm sure I'd have been dead in a few very short years. When I say "heart hurts", or anything similar, I'm literally referring to my poor overworked organ. Obviously, there is a different plan in place for me. I truly believe that. There has been an intervention.
I'm really upset that any of this happened. I see, with exceptionally clear sight, exactly how and why it did. I'm backtracking and working on me. I'll leave H to his own devices for now. He's not giving me much of a choice, in any case.
I'm accepting of what has taken place and why. I've also found a lot to be grateful for, as well. This was meant to be, and something really wonderful is waiting just ahead. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing, one day at a time, and it will all unfold in the way and manner it should.
Wow. I'm actually impressed with me right now. Just...Wow.
Keep that focus Judy. You are doing great! You are an inspiration.
Fibromyalgia. My dad had it. Far less frequent in men. From what I know of it, depression is a huge part of it. I remember that with dad. But, with constant pain, how could you not be a little depressed at least. It sounds like you have a pretty tough time health wise. Make sure you take care of yourself. You are so worth it.
Wishing you the best!
Ancaire I am happy that you have recognized that you are internalizing your emotions. It will come out as physical discomfort. I have dealt with my emotions the same way but am getting better at it. Stuffing everything deep down inside really does nothing positive for you. Keep up the good work!
((((Judy)))))
I hope you are well. Come home soon!
PP...I am on such a learning journey. My childhood was chaos; my dad was an alcoholic from a long line of alcoholics. I was the eldest child, and the classic overachiever in hopes of being "good enough".
I've been exploring the topic of codependency lately, and have had my eyes opened in surprising ways. It's almost too much to deal with all at once. I've made an observation about myself...I am not an alcoholic...but I definitely have alcoholic traits. In my case, it manifested in overeating. The damage to my body and health has been extreme. I am getting a handle on this, but it is so darned hard!
I had an alcohol/depressive disorder related episode (first one ever) a couple of weeks ago that landed me in huge trouble. After learning that I should not drink with the depressive disorder, I vowed never to drink again. I never craved it before, so no problem, right?
Hah! Tell someone they cannot have something, and suddenly that is all they can think about. So, now I'm fighting a double whammy...fighting off food and booze cravings. Who knew that stirring the pot would bring up all this crap?
I'm going to start working a 12 step program from home until my car is repaired, then likely find a weekly Alanon meeting to attend. I wanted to reach out to you because I've been so impressed with your recovery. I so desperately want to be a success like you! I also wanted to let you know you weren't alone here. My self-esteem, never great to begin with, is really taking a beating with finding out all my areas of dysfunction. Like you, I am determined. I want a full, healthy, happy life. I'm determined to do whatever is needed to get where I want to be.
I've been so inspired by you. Thanks for being do honest.
Wanted to answer this here so that you caught it Judy. You wrote some extremely open and powerful statements above.
First off, I applaud you for taking a stand in your life and stepping away from a FOO pattern. It's extremely difficult to do and most people won't and/or can't make that level of change. You're a rockstar.
You and I are very similar, alcohol wasn't at the point in my life where anyone thought it was a problem. I didn't get drunk and was drinking about 12 beers a week. When i went to AA and said that I got a lot of strange looks. I don't think I have "the allergy", and if I were to take a sip of something right now I wouldn't wake up in a gutter three weeks from now not knowing how many people I'd taken out in my car.
But it was an issue for me in that I was using it (and other unhealthy means) to cope. And that was not good or productive at all. It sounds like food is your real addiction, or as I tell people "addiction" was my addiction. I cycled between pot (main one), alcohol, work, Facebook (checking every 5 minutes ALL day), porn, Twitter, making lists of future projects, etc. Basically, I couldn't be in my own skin for more than about 2 minutes without needing a state changer.
There were periods in my M when I "quit". No drinking, no pot, no internet, no nothing, but I never addressed the self esteem issues that were underneath. That was the kicker. Like you, when I "quit" drinking, I'd wake up thinking about it, never before! When I "quit" looking at porn I'd hear my computer calling me! Again, the real issue wasn't being addressed.
No matter what the manifestation of your addiction is, it's just that, the manifestation. What you're after and it sounds like you're working on, is the root. Why do you need to over eat? What is it numbing? That's the million dollar question. It won't absolve you of responsible living for the rest of your life, but it will help you turn the volume down on the craving.
Truthfully, I'm fortunate. I don't crave pot any more, smoking it as an adult actually seems juvenile and absurd. I don't crave alcohol any more (although the Winter brews were pretty darn tasty), but miss hanging out with my friends over rounds of beers. I don't crave any kind of distraction to be honest, and am loving being present.
I wanted to live with presence for years, so the decision to get and stay sober filled a huge desire for me. It filled me as opposed to taking something away from me. That's a big distinction.
My recommendation is to not focus on what you're giving up or what you're missing but to replace it with healthy activities. If you're salsa dancing 5 nights a week, watching YouTube videos on salsa dancing, thinking about salsa dancing, and practicing salsa moves in your head, there isn't much room to think about booze and food. You're not missing out on anything but the cycle of addiction which is no damn fun!
If you ever need a hand with what you're going through on the food/alcohol front, please reach out to me. I reach out to people daily on it just to make sure I'm unable to even begin going down any kind of slope, slippery or otherwise.
Also, revel in the strength that it takes to tackle your demons. Wear it like a secret badge of honor. You don't need to become the poster woman for sobriety, but every time you enter a room know that you're strong as (censored) and doing something so many can't.
You truly are stronger than you know. I believe it and I believe in your ability to live a life filled with esteem, strength and personal power.
Hope you're OK after today's blip.
Big hug,
PP
PigPen, what powerful yet beautiful message. Ancaire I second PigPen's thought although I don't think I could have said it so eloquently. What I've learned is I just don't want it any more. I like looking at my life with a clear head and don't need to escape from reality. Be strong Ancaire, be well
PP really did write a beautiful support mesage, didn't he? I never could have imagined, when I arrived here desperate to save my marriage, that I would wind up taking the journey of a lifetime without ever leaving my home. I've made the acquaintance of some of the finest people I've ever been privileged to know. I've received support and love at a time when I was despondent. The open sharing, the lessons learned, the willingness to reach out and help others. My life is forever changed for the better!
My marriage...haven't given up on H, but he sure isn't the center of my universe any longer. LOL
On a scary day, with a (literally) trembling heart, I was blessed to log in and be able to laugh and smile, knowing I'm in the best place I could possibly be.
I'm so filled with gratitude and joy right now, if a light just flashed nearby...that was me.
Today I was in the ER...had to be wheeled in because I couldn't stand up straight. I'm hooked up to wires and tubes. Getting oxygen. I've already had an abnormal EKG, and 2 doses of nitro at this point. H has been supportive and helpful, concerned even. I had listed my health history yesterday and used it to apply for aid and part-time disability from home.
The doc asked something I needed the papers to reference for an answer. I handed them to H after. He's reading through it, and it suddenly hits him my "imaginary" health problems are very well documented. He asked what the info was for, and I told him.
Picture this: He begins to lecture me that I can work a full-time job, I just have to set my mind to it. I'm lying there, in pain, just looking at him like he's lost his mind, when suddenly monitors start going off like crazy. Staff rush in, demanding to know what just happened. I'm crying, because it HURTS! H is reminded I need to be kept calm.
I'd asked my daughter to come to the hospital and take over getting me to the cardiologist for H, so he can get back to work. He took off as soon as she got there not long after. When we got back home today, much later in the afternoon, H was in rare form. He was so ugly to me D took him to task and he left. I think he got one heck of a reality check today. He really is a douche bag, and there's no way the kids are going to overlook this.
Ha! I was sweet, kind, and thankful for his help. He was nice, too, up until reality smacked him hard in the face. I think Karma may be doing her work without any help from me.
I'm resting, medicated, and semi-comfi. Have to let the monitor tell doc our next move. Stress or no, my heart sustained more damage. I'm sad about that.
Birthday #49 tomorrow. Yeah, me. So very grateful I can vent to you guys!!!
Hi Ancaire
I'm so sorry your going through all this. You have a wonderful daughter and I am happy your children are close by to support you. Stay strong. Sounds like your in good hands. Now it's really time to prioritize. Rest, health, kids. Issues and all thoughts about husband get put on back burner. You have to come first.
Thinking of you and hope you can go home soon.
Hugs
Julie
I said you need to make sure you go to your IC, not ICU...simple mistake...:)
now get better.
How wonderful that you got the medical attention yout needed. I hope that stress can be reduced soon...any way you can!
Have you tried to meditate? I took my wife once, her reaction was unbelievable. She described some real sensations she kept feeling during the mediations and we looked up what they meant...it was the flowing of energy getting blocked in the center where resentment was stored. I just laughed.
Point is, I walked out of there that first day basically flowing. It was awesome. I will get back to it now that soccer is done for the winter. I need to practice more so I can do it on my own as a daily ritual as part of spiritual health.
Emotional night tonight...talked for a couple of hours with my twins about past issues. Out of all the kids, my babies suffered the most as the depressive disorder got worse. I love them so desperately - it kills me to know how much I hurt them when I withdrew from the world to the extent I did.
I'm making amends where I can in my life. This is a really important step for me. In cases where my actions have caused such deep harm, it's excruciating to dig it all up to apologize and lay my soul so bare. On the other hand, my boys now know, for certain, how much they mean to me - how deeply sorry I am for not managing myself in a more effective manner - I realize how much my illness harmed them, too.
Both offered me forgiveness. Both told me how much they love me and always will. Both told me I could make amends by keeping my promise to become as healthy as I possibly can in all areas. I don't deserve them, but I am so thankful for my youngest children right now. I am thankful for their loving, generous hearts.
This making amends is hard work! I feel scraped raw inside. I have no intention of stopping before I get to the other side. I have a feeling this is some of the most important work in my life.
Happy birthday! (I know it's not the way you planned it but you are on the mend now!)
Fyi, you share your birthday with the best letter 7 year old that I have ever met! I am excited to go see him after work and give him his gift.
Enjoy your day as best you can. Visit with family, dream, read a book, take a bubble bath, whatever it is YOU want to do today. Good luck, thinking of you
Just catching up on your latest thread, Ancaire.
No words of wisdom unfortunately, just good wishes.
Just popping by to check on the heart. I threw out the Birthday card i was GOING to give you, because the guy holding the birthday cake on the front of the card stopped my heart, and I did not want to cause you more heart issues.
Ok, i didn't actually throw it away. I kept it ... um ... for you. Yes, for you, just in case you get better for next year
Just popping by to check on the heart. I threw out the Birthday card i was GOING to give you, because the guy holding the birthday cake on the front of the card stopped my heart, and I did not want to cause you more heart issues.
Ok, i didn't actually throw it away. I kept it ... um ... for you. Yes, for you, just in case you get better for next year
Ha!...just in case for a year? I want that card! You got it for me. Who knows what condition it will be in after you've been holding it with sweaty hands for a year!!!
Thanks, Mona! I slept in today. SLEPT! Nice start to a great birthday, right?
Thanks, D! I had no idea the 18th was middle child's birthday, too. That's awesome. Give him an extra hug for me!
Guess who sent me a "Happy Birthday" text early this morning, way before anyone else did?
Roller coaster. Seriously.
And I have to change my age on my profile. Putting up strong resistance. I just don't like the way 49 looks, you know? Odd arrangement of numbers for a person feeling like something of a newborn these days.
Happy Birthday Ancaire! So glad you slept in, you need it now that you are old. LOL. I am not very far behind you.
Guess who sent me a "Happy Birthday" text early this morning, way before anyone else did?
Who? You cant be talking about... wait, no, it is definitely not, could it possibly be from H?
I think while you were sleeping you went the whole way to his phone and sent yourself that without realizing so you would wake up and see it, lol.
That is a pretty nice baby step there Judy
You have zero expectations now so all is good, right?
Happy Birthday, Ancaire.
Glad you got some sleep. You certainly deserve it after yesterday.
Happy happy birthday Judy
Happy birthday Ancaire. Hope your day was filled laughter from your children :-)
Happy birthday Ancaire. Hope your day was filled laughter from your children :-)
PS
Unless your actual age matters to some LBSer (b/c it somehow relates, DIRECTLY), then I must ask, why bother?
If you are over 40, hey - we get it. You MIGHT have a few stretch marks from your h's children, OR you may have a scar from a c-section. (God knows we won't address your h's physical problems or his new "issues." - THAT would be so unfair!)
So If it matters, let us know.
Otherwise, good grief,
you CAN keep some things to yourself &
STILL walk around with your head held high.
And oh btw,
YOU DO look great! 
Happy Belated Birthday Ancaire. I hope you get your birthday wish. Be well
Hope that you are doing well. Talk to you soon!
Happy Birthday Judy!
Hope it's a great day, congrats on being a newborn.
Big Bday hug,
PP
Ancaire, are you around? Haven't seen you in a while, everything ok?
Ancaire - I am starting to worry about you as well. I hope you are alright.
Please check in ASAP. We'd like to hear from you.
Hi! It's been a weird weekend with a mix of extreme highs and lows. About the heart...news is not good. Stress or no, more damage has occurred. I'm wearing a monitor for the next 2 weeks so the cardiologist can tell if the palpitations are coming from all valves, a combo, or one. Surgery likely. When all this started, I reminded H this was bad for me. Blinded by OW, he just doesn't care.
Good news: Granddaughter born this weekend! I'm officially Grammie now, and I couldn't be more proud and happy. She's gorgeous! Head full of gorgeous dark hair, pretty pretty....She's one of the calmest newborns I've ever seen. Pretty sure she'll be the only grandchild for a while. I have GOOD reason to believe that.
Both bad and good news: H and I had a major blow out. Nasty words were exchanged on both sides. The good news...I can move on, slam the door, burn the bridge, whatever I need to do. MLC or no, I WILL NOT speak to him again unless forced to until the day he apologizes. There is no excuse for the extreme nastiness he displayed. Not even going to go over it. I'm really on the hate side.
For my part, I just don't have it in me to be as nasty as he was...but I was nasty enough I'm a tiny bit ashamed of myself. No one knows how to push my buttons more effectively. I also let slip a few things that let him know I'm not as stupid as he thinks. That's mostly ok...He needed the reminder.
My kids are suffering, and I hate that, but can't do much about it. I truly cannot stand the sight of the puffed up little rooster, and won't willingly be anywhere around him. I can't fake anything else, even for them. I'm too sick and tired for games.
More good...have a job interview Monday, courtesy of a job I did NOT get. I hit it off with the person at the other place, but thanks to my recent troubles, couldn't respond when I needed to. We chatted for a bit when I did get a chance to call, and she offered to send my resume around with a personal recommendation, which just paid off! LOL Way better position for me, because even part-time will be a challenge for a while (this one is as needed). One day at a time, right?
I needed H to really show his true colors so I could move on. He kept confusing me, and I kept hoping. Now, I can't wait to get far away from him. He's a mess, and his "ho" is welcome to him. I think she's gotta think he has money...she's going to be in for a shock. I'm out for blood now.
One thing I consider unforgivable is his using my unwanted health problems against me. Einstein accused me of missing my heart medicine on purpose to cause heart problems. Let's follow that thought through...if my heart issues are imaginary, what difference will missing my medicines make? Jerk-wad. I'm in pain, scared for my life, and he wants to believe I'm manipulating the situation to "get him back". That was so low it took my breath away.
I'm all over the place emotionally...thought about checking myself back in to the nut-house for treatment. I keep thinking about buying a pack of cigarettes, and chain smoking until my heart stops...then I think about the kids and hesitate...then I think the best revenge will be for me to live well...then I wonder how I can even DO that. I need to just get through each day, one at a time. I can work on my attitude later.
It saddens me to hear that your H is being an ass through this. I'm sorry for you Judy. You have to focus on your health. Please. The job opportunity sounds awesome! That is a very positive step.
Take care of yourself, I'm glad you popped back in!
Thanks anc for the update...there were wome antsy folks looking to see how you were doing.
I cant imagine the spew you were getting from h, it is really inbelievable how amgry the mlc'r gets...ive been there and it is best to not add more fuel to the fire...get pissed yourself, ok your choic....but dont add to
People say all the time not to burn a bridge. I hate that expression. If there is a relationship thst is not healthy for you burn away and build a new one if need be, LATER.
I hope you are safe this week and start to get youraelf healthy. ..priority #1.
I hope you can start to show yourself aome compassion and find aome more to be grateful of...and have a truly thanks giving.
Resolutions:
I will have a great Thanksgiving Day holiday with my children tomorrow.
I will stay calm around H...No more adding fuel to fire. I've separated the house into 2 parts. No need to interact.
I will allow L to do what she needs to do to protect me; no more "protecting" H.
I will stay calm, meditate, and believe the heart problems are temporary. I already know PMA makes a huge difference, equal to diet and exercise. No more doomsday thinking.
That's a good start for now. Enough for the weekend. I'm going to go catch up on other's threads. I miss everyone!
Ancaire, I am so sorry, I was really worried about you and for good reason, it seems. I don't know what to say except I hope your L is awesome and you get everything you need and more. Your health is so important! You have been such a rock to everyone here, that comes from your heart, you have to take care of it! Sending you much love and prayers today and will be thinking of you tomorrow on Thanksgiving.
Happy Thnakgiving Judy - enjoy your kids and grandchild!!! Congratulations Grammie!!!! Now that is something to be thankful for
Had a fantastic Thanksgiving with the kids! I did what I had to...No sighs, tears, sad faces, or mention of dad. I know they appreciated it, even though we didn't mention it. I've been so sad and scared since BD I've worn them down - so I was happy to prove to myself I could do what I needed to do!
My H...what a joke. I now know, for sure, who OW is, and was unhappy to learn the truth. H is the classic middle-aged freak show. She's barely over half his age, and really pretty. I looked at her and wondered WTF is wrong with her? She's young, gorgeous, supposedly a law school student...and the best she can do is a 50 year old, married, pot-bellied, and bald father of five? I am really looking forward to laughing my behind off when whatever it is she really wants presents itself. I'm almost certain it's money, and he is about to be in a world of hurt. No wonder he was pressuring me to fire my L!
Another piece to the puzzle regarding the night I lost my mind has been found. I had a hysterectomy years ago. 3 months ago, I was prescribed testosterone...just 1%. 3 days before the weekend I went nutso, I told the Dr. I was feeling kind of off, so they took a blood sample. They started calling me the next week, but I was so embarrassed, I didn't call back. I just assumed they saw me on the news and were checking on me. (Yes. My humiliation made the evening news.)
Nope. I went in on Monday, learned the results of the blood work, and found that my body wasn't metabolizing the testosterone. The level they were aiming for was 20. Mine was over 200! They said levels that high are indicative of "roid rage". I was given several copies of my blood work for my cardiologist and lawyers. High levels of T can also cause heart arrhythmias. Wow. I was okay with the explanation I had, but finding one more piece to understand "why" really is a comfort.
Still having chest pain and palpitations, but it is easing off about 15%. Not great, but at least some improvement, which is better than none. Stress. Unbelievable what damage it can do!
I really jacked up my poor car when I had the accident. Still in the shop...expected completion date is December 18th! H is spitting mad they didn't total it. When I told the appraiser what had occured (what H said about "2 or 3 others"), and begged him to save it if he could, I had a feeling he would. The only people on earth who don't have any sympathy for me are H and his crew of lowlifes. Even the attorneys are appalled...at him, not me! The general consensus is he's lucky to be alive, the cheating jerk!
I'm finally getting it figured out. My feelings for H are becoming clearer, too. I love the man I married. That man is gone. The person he is now? No love lost for him - I'm mostly embarrassed he's the father of my children. I thought I chose so much more wisely. My poor kids.
I'm going to let L be as mean as she needs to be. I've been trying so hard to be nice and reasonable, and he's ruining my credit as thanks! No more.
Great job interview opportunity coming up Monday. Planning on staying up with newborn granddaughter this weekend. Putting stuff I want to keep in storage. Feeling much calmer.
I'm glad you are feeling a little better physically, and it sounds like much better mentally and emotionally. I hope adjusting your meds helps with the heart issues ad well as the "roid rage".
Thanks for checking in me too! I appreciate it.
I'm glad you had a nice Thanksgiving with your family. It's very bittersweet isn't it? At least mine was.
Take care, and I am wishing you the best!
Anc- so glad you had a great Thanksgiving and the testosterone totally makes sense. Is there till a court case against you for that "episode"? If so - you now have your defense
I had to laugh at your comment - "I looked at her and wondered WTF is wrong with her? She's young, gorgeous, supposedly a law school student...and the best she can do is a 50 year old, married, pot-bellied, and bald father of five? " I could have written the exact same thing:)
Sounds like you are doing so much better. Health, job, perspective, overall - life. Keep it up Judy!!
Hi Ancaire....what is wrong with her?? It's all inside and I would guess there may have been some father issues.....otherwise as you say - why???
Good luck on your interview this week anc! Rooting for you always.
Ancaire, all I can say is karma is going to get these OW. And our H's.
Good luck on your interview.
Good morning Ancaire I am glad that you have some answers regarding your little episode! For sure that was not the real you and now you know what happened. Throw a little stress like you are going through on top of the mix and Lord knows what can happen. Glad Thanksgiving went well and maybe we can plan on really doing up the holiday season. I am lately getting a little excited about Christmas and I think I will start decorating in the next few days. God Bless you and have a good week!
Hi Ancaire, the medical news was great for your court case. If you have no record it should end well for you. Thanksgiving day was a good day for you also, fantastic. You may have turned the corner and are leaving the bad side of town.
Continue to build on these positive events and fill your life with joy and light. Be well Ancaire, be strong
Thank you, friends! I really believe I have turned a corner! I've begun to care less and less about H. I haven't shed a tear in days now. This is a huge change from the usual daily.
I'm at my son's house now, taking the night shift with my grand-daughter! Loving every minute of it. Kids and I are doing so much better. Grand-baby is perfect...full head of hair, sweet disposition...I'm in love.
Court case for the nutso night looked good already. I bet it's even better now! I am so relieved to have an understanding of what happened - I didn't even know it was possible to lose it like that. I still plan to stick to my earlier plan...learning all I can to make sure it never happens again.
I keep giggling about this job interview, considering all the issues I have: divorce case, court case, and heart problems - not to mention being unable to work full-time. I'm going, though. I have a good feeling about it. Maybe things are turning around?
Ancaire there is no maybe to it. Things are turning around for you. Put on your best face and clothes and walk in and rock that interview! What you are going through is as tough as it gets and you are doing it with grace and kindness and you will be the better for having gone through it.
I'm happy that things are looking up for you! Good luck with the interview, you will be great. Enjoy that baby!
You got this Ancaire! Put your best foot forward and know you're going to rock that interview.
I look forward to hearing about it tomorrow.
Big hug,
PP
Had a great interview!!! Now to see what happens with HR. I'm worried about the recent arrest (something I never imagined myself saying!), but one step at a time. I hope it all works out...I really like this company. I got a tour of the entire facility, drew some blood, and just had a great time overall. The lab is awesome! I'll learn how to do all kinds of great things. Fingers crossed.
Glad it went well! Keep the pma going!
Yay, anc! Maybe a little treat for yourself tonight as an 'atta-girl.
Very proud of you Ancaire. What is meant to be will be and if this doesn't work out then something better will. Keep working hard and keep the focus on yourself.
I am also proud of you Ancaire. You deserve a "win", I hope this is it!
Anc, I have always thought that there was a metabolic influence in the crazy loco day. I confess my first thought was blood sugar and with testosterone that can also be a factor.
I am glad it was sussed.
Really pleased about that and your new strength. Your new opportunity awaits, if not this one then the next. Onwards, smile for joy, a vote of confidence to get this far. Cheers.....
Very encouraging to read, a corner turned.
Your sight is clear, you can never unknow.
V
So proud!!! I bet you are having so much fun with the baby!
Even if you don't get the job, it is outstanding you tried and you can continue to keep taking steps in the right direction.
You are clearly taking steps away from a bad direction and that is all that matters.
I can't believe how far you've come in such a short amount of time.
The tide is turning.
You're an inspiration to all of us.
Just stopping by Ancaire to say hello. I am happy to read that you are doing so much better. It is a long slog and it seems like you are plugging away one step at a time. Good luck with your job prospect!!
I hope you got the job, Judy! If you didn't, you will be okay and be proud of yourself. You are stronger than you were before, love yourself for that.
Hi Ancaire, how's life treating you in your corner of the universe?
Hi Ancaire,
Hope you're busy with the newest member of the family. Please do check in - we miss you.
Checking in on one of my favorite people! Hope you are out GAL'ing and doing well. Miss you!
Same here Judy. Hope all is well!
Tomorrow is my first court date for the night I left Sanity for Crazytown. I've been busy getting all the paperwork I need forwarded to my lawyers. I'll have a good idea of what happens next after tomorrow.
H and I are getting along better. I think it's because I'm kind of dead inside, but it's peaceful here, at least. It occurred to me that his happiness is coming at the expense of my happiness and health, as well as the happiness of our kids. He'd better be deliriously happy with a cost so high!
My heart beats like a crazy drummer these days. It's lost all sense of rhythm. I am so unhappy that this has happened! I'm living proof of all kinds of bizarre occurrences being real. Huh. Don't know how to feel about that, exactly.
I just heard back from the woman I interviewed with. She had a couple of late applications come in after me, so she's still doing interviews. She hopes to know for sure by the end of this week. She thanked me for following up, and her tone was super friendly. I think I'm still in the running!
I am happy to "hear" from you Judy, I was worried! I am sorry for your legal issues, sorry for everything, but glad to hear that there are some positives still going on in your life. I wish there was something I could say that could pull you through this sooner, but I think it is just going to take time and I know that you will come out of this ok. You are a strong and compassionate woman, and I know you will overcome this.
In the meantime, I am glad you are taking care of business and hanging in there.
Let us know how court went! Keep your stress level as low as possible so your heart doesn't freak out. We are all in the court with you.
Hey judy, hope things go well for you today!!! Sending positive thoughts your way.
Please post, we are here for you, whatever the court decides.
My prayers are with you.
V
Hello, friends! Isn't it funny how we sometimes have to struggle for words to say? I've been away for a while...just being. During that time,.some interesting things have occurred.
First, court. That was a bit of a disappointment. My new lawyers had to ask for a new date, because they need evidence from the prosecution. I've turned in everything that they need. It's likely that it will be dismissed, ultimately. My lawyer is working on a way to get it both dismissed as well as expunged, like it never happened. Just like with DB, it all takes time. January 20 is new date. I'll keep you posted. I've got funny stories to share about that in the coming weeks.
I'm closer to being at the point people talk about in regards to H. I'm realizing I will be fine without him. Definitely not as wealthy, but certainly much safer. My heart failure is not news. I was first diagnosed in 2008. He knows stress and heart failure are a killer combo, yet he chose this course. That really tells me all I need to know. Detachment comes in stages, like a process.
I was reading through an old "give us a chance" letter I'd written him and realized I was begging him to have some integrity! Integrity isn't really something you turn off and on. I have integrity. In spite of my recent bad choice, I've acknowledged my errors, apologized, and have tried to make things right. I haven't hidden it, or tried to downplay. I always try to do the right thing, because it feels so much more peaceful on the inside when I do. Most of you here have integrity in spades.
My poor H used to have integrity, I thought. Maybe I just looked at him through rose colored lenses. I don't know for certain about the past. I do know for certain that the person H is, right now, is not someone I would welcome into my life. I feel badly for our kids. He thinks they're ashamed of him because of me! I think I told you guys about my suggestion to that idea. "Instead of blaming me, why don't you make certain you're not doing anything that would cause you shame if the kids were to find out." Evil glare directed at me for that one.
So...My point here is, yes. I'm still sad. I'm coming to a place of acceptance. I don't know if H can ever be what I need. I'll be okay, either way. I feel badly for my kids. I don't feel so badly for me.
The heart monitor came off last week, and has been mailed to company for results. It's supposed to be able to help Dr. Determine if palpitations are coming from one valve, or all 4. If it's all 4, then I'll get a pacemaker. I won't be so terrified just to be active with a pacemaker, so I'm okay with that.
If it's just one valve, then it will be a procedure where they go into the heart muscle and basically kill a misfiring nerve. I find that far more frightening than a pacemaker, ironically. This heart stuff is super-frightening!
I'm doing okay, though. Much calmer, wiser, and more patient. I accept that things may turn out differently than I'd originally hoped. I have faith that something even better will follow if I stay true to my faith and beliefs. I need to get busy helping others again. I was so scared when I got here.
OK...I've got more, but I'll save something for tomorrow.
Judy, glad to see that you sound better. The health stuff is scary. But you can do it. Rose colored glasses... yep, dealing with that myself. Court stuff Sounds promising. Take care of yourself. Looking forward to catching up!