Last thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...320#Post2623320So this thread is about me and how I can detach become mentally stronger and become fitter and more healthy
So breakfast today was
2 x Brown toast with small amount of butter
1x large glass water
Mid morning
1/2 bag of walkers French fries ready salted crisps
Small tub of almonds and raisins
Not able to get to the gym today so going to do press ups and sit ups will put a total at the end of the day
I have assigned a new ring tone to my wife's profile and changed her name from wife to just her first name I liked the idea of detach I am just not quite there yet
Will keep you posted I have a lot of weight to loose would have thought that it would come off fairly easily but it is really taking its time ....
I am also concerned that if I loose too much weight o I will be left with loose skin ....un attractive in its self
Ghost
Hi Ghost. On Huddy's thread you said
NDY I hear what your saying however I have some assets that my W says she is not interested in so I would almost certainly just say you keep this money and I will keep mine if this works then great huddy thank you I know where there is love ther is hope
If that's how you want to play it then that's just fine. It's up to you if you want to do that or not.
Loose skin, in general skin shrinks back unless you are 80% or more overweight.
After that it stretches greatly. So as long as you lose slowly and eat properly then elastin springs back. Try adding long chain fatty acids to your diet such as coconut oil. Cut the crisps altogether that damages peripheral blood vessels. Add avocado too.
As you build muscle that will help.
Losing body cavity fat won't affect skin. So if you have a beer belly made of horrible internal fat, good news is skin is ok.
Loose skin can be treated, wrinkles can't.
V
Ghost
Be careful with the assets. NDY knows far more about this than me, so, I would take some advice here.
As for losing weight, if the anxiety hasn't rid you of three stone, then gentle exercise is probably the route to go down. When we get to our age (!), some men think they should turn in to Charles Atlas and do too much. I walk about five miles a day, and the weight has stayed off. I couldn't face a gym to be honest - full of knuckleheads looking at themselves in the mirror. I think i'd puke!
You seem to have stabilised. Right, let's get building!
Ghost, are you still dancing? How are the children?
I couldn't face a gym to be honest - full of knuckleheads looking at themselves in the mirror. I think i'd puke!
Just imagining this made me laugh.
I don't know how much 3 stones is but I think I've done that twice by now Huddy! Haha
Thank you you have cheered me up
Children are good really enjoying spending the time with my little one I am finding out so much about her and what she likes I am able to see her developing emotionally at a completely different level to just watching her I understand her
Been dancing just the once I am not ruling it out and will go again I am just trying to find my feet excuse the pun !!!!
I can do better than I am with regard to exercise and eating I need to do better
Ghost
Good man Ghost.
Uphill - three stone is 42lbs.
Hello, Ghost! I'm so excited by the positivity in this thread! Good for you. You're finally focusing more on yourself now?
I'm with you on the get healthy journey.It's hard work, true? (In Louisiana, true would be = "tru dat" - a little trivia for fun.)
LOL
Ok, I am right at the 3 stone mark then, haven't done it twice though haha
Hijack over.
I've lost more than 7 stone so far(100 lbs) and I'm now at the weight ghost was pre-BD. I still have a long ways to go until my ideal weight.
I wouldn't worry about the skin ghost, you should be fine. Its something I'm starting to notice a bit now but with time it will shrink down, just takes patience. Like every other f'in thing! lol
hijacking continues, much better than conversation than focusing on our sitches anyway
Wow much respect to you fogg
I need to get a grip on my life
I need to keep working on the weight loss
I will think of things that do not remind me of my wife when ever I can
Weekends are tough
Ghost
So I am working in getting stronger and fitter but my emotions are still all over the place
Everyday I am still breaking down in tears yet this has been five months now
I still keep the hope that things will improve against all odds
I still see no positives out of us separating and I am not just talking on a selfish level of me having to do more for myself.
I can see is that the conversation between us has almost dried up I know everything about her work her life she knows everthing about my life and we talk about the kids but a lot of what we used to talk about has been taken away....we cannot talk about our future our hopes and our dreams.
After being married for 17 years how does one keep the conversation interesting
My W spends a lot of time on facebook commenting on other peoples posts she has opiniins on lots of things and I know she misses adult conversation she spends day times with our children and works alone with children for her job.
Throughout out our marriage I have been a little controlling and I was jealous of her relationship with other people and I did not want her to form relationships with other males ....I felt threatened she would want to leave me. So she felt I was controlling her and I believe that most people in some way or another are controlling. She too has liked to control many things during our marriage.
I realise that she likes to go out with her friends both male and female and in the past I would feel threatened by this as I was scared that she would find happy ness with someone else perhaps this was why I did not like her going out without me I know it was down to my own insecurities.
My wife tells me that she loves me but is not in love with me I know she cares about me and does not want me to hurt ....she has told me that she does not want to live the rest of her life with me.
I believe the is because she thinks I cannot change and for her change is not just about doing more with the children and the housework, for her the change would have to be a completely different relationship, one where she is trusted fully is allowed to go out with her friends both make and female when she wants to. I would have to accept fully THAT.
Would this be enought I do not know.... I read on the Internet about the FOUR STAGES OF MARRAGE
Romance
Disillusionment
Misery. I believe we are here
Awakening that things can be great again.....I just want to get to this point
So many people get stuck and divorce at stage three how can I get to stage four
When we talk about our old marriage being dead ...over .....finished ......I can see why this would be the case I realise the next marriage would need to be very different.
So when she talks about loving me but not being in love with me I wish I understood this more..... She tells me that she does not want to be with another man just wants to be on her own likes her own company. I don't think she is looking for someone to romance her back into bed ...I could be well wrong here...I just believe she wants to be loved cherished cared for and I guess for much a degree this is all I want too.
I realise that IF I was to find a way to re kindle the love I would have to make many further changes I am still at the point of wanting to fight for a new and better relationship with my wife and I am nowhere near the point of accepting it is over.
And THIS is what is holding me back from detaching and moving forward THIS and my fear of change, my fear when I drive arround the local area looking at property...looking at what I will get....how my life will change.
My W and I have worked hard over the last twenty odd years to get to where we are now. My dream was to now start to enjoy life together ....My master plan was by this point to be comftable and not have to work so much and be able to enjoy life
My plan was live where we were till we were mortgage free about 5 more years then down scale with my wife to a smaller house together this would give us aprox £400 k equity so we would give the children 100k each to get them started in life
My mother is wealthy and when she passes away would mean that potentially I would be able to roughly double this amount to give to each of the children so each of our children would then get another 100k
I would now be living with my wife in a house worth aprox £400k with 140k in the bank mortgage free to live out the rest of my life and her life and when we die this would also then be left to the children or used for our care
My plan was I would work part time my wife would work part time and we would have a very comftable life. Now all this is upside down....I was looking for a somewhat easier life .....but I do not see how this will ever happen now.
I struggle to understand how being apart from my W can make any of this happen. I do not want to be alone and I would want to be with someone so my dreams of being with my W would end.
My head keeps spinning
All I can do is keep working on the things i can control.
Ghost
Ghost, what would you do if your wife suddenly died? What would change? You would HAVE TO drop the road and move on, wouldn't you? Would you date right away? One would hope not; rather, we would hope you spent some time working through your loss before you even THOUGHT about dating.
I understand you, I really do. I am having D forced on me. I'm letting him go. I have zero desire to be with a man who doesn't even like me at the moment. It makes so much more sense, on many levels, for us to stay together, but H is in full rebellion and the only thing that will help him calm down is a D. So be it.
My detachment isn't completely healthy...there is an element of hatred in there I'll have to address one day. What am I doing? Repairing my broken self. I'm reading a book called Codependent No More that has really woken me up to some serious issues n our relationship. I'm recommending the book to everyone now.
You cannot control, reason, guilt, convince, manipulate, or charm your wife into staying M. She may be a stubborn one, like my H, worried about what her friends would think were she to change her mind. I don't believe in D. He may get a legal D, but I'll still consider us joined. But I won't take him back. Not without one heck of an impassioned, convincing apology.
You're doing so much better, ghost! I suggest googling how to detach for more pointers.
So just downloaded codependent no more and have started to read this
If my W had died then this would I feel be easier as I would have to accept that she had gone
Ghost I feel the same way, if my H had died I would be grieving, but I wouldn't have all this rejection and self doubt to deal with. I know that is bad to say. This marital distress is hell.
While this has been the worst hell imaginable, had XW died, I would not be the person I am today. I would have grieved her loss and moved on as the same person I was.
I am young enough to move forward and have a long-lasting relationship I always should have had because of this event. I'm certainly not glad it cost me the family I've always known, I am glad that I can recognize the mistakes I've always made and correct them moving forward.
That is a good way to look at it Azzork. I feel the pain of loss would be the same but after you say this, it helps us turn it into a learning experience. Good view on it. When I first commented I posted and thought it would be easier because of not having the betrayal , rejection and all the other emotions we here have to deal with. It would cut it back to loss.... But we would learn nothing from that.
And it is not for us to worry as it cannot help things to get better
Our worrying comes from our open thoughts and all they are is thoughts that come and go
How does worrying even make anything any better yes we may feel rejection but this does not make us unworthy or unlovable.
I love my W and I probably always will but it is her choice how she chooses to live her life
So many good men on this board, so many unselfish, strong, loving, men who care about their families. You all give me hope. I am at a low point. Not seeing much positive to cling to, but then there are all of you out there, holding your heads up, doing what needs to be done, all in the name of love and in the best interests of your families. Thank you Ghost, Uphill, Azzork. You give me hope.
Pho, you made me blush! You and many other women on here do the same for me. Make me realize that there are still some out there who are willing to go through h*ll to make thier relationship work! I wish none of us were here but if we are gonna go through this, I couldn't image a better group of people to do it with!
Pho
I thank you for all you have done for me the support you have given I really wish I had answers all I seem to do is screw things up.
If I have learnt one thing then that is everyone has the right to live their life the way that they see fit if my W decided that she wanted to spend more time with another man then as much as I would not like this to happen I cannot make her not want to do this she will live her life the way that she wants to and I cannot dictate to her what she should or should not do.
I can only show my wife the love that she would want to stay right with me.
I truley love her and I do not know if I could ever love another the same I do not know if I want to or even if I should try to
I am slowly starting to understand about detaching I am not sure getting a life is for me I tried it meeting up with new people just seemed strange took me right side my comfort zone
I have a basic life I really do all I ever wanted to do was
Get married
Have a family
Work and provide the best that I could
Have a bit of me time
Spend time with my W ...[censored] I wish I had dome more of this
Leave enough money for,the kids,
My dreams have been turned upside down.
Everybody aspires to be the 2.0 version of them self be a better person why did I not realise what it would be like before this happend,
Hindsight is such a great thing
Back to codependent no more it is making a lot of sence no need to worry I cannot control it
Ghost
Truly because you feel so much for your W and your life this is why it is tough for you.
Keep smiling at that man in the mirror
Big hugs
V
Thank you I think I am actually feeling stronger some days I doubt myself
The test will be when my wife decides to want to go to live in separate houses
Ghost
There are tests every day, Ghost.
Don't worry about passing the final when you haven't learned the course material yet.
Just keeping knocking out the days. One at a time.
Ghost, I like the basic life too. I am head over heels in love with my H, despite the way he has treated me in the last year, all I want is him. However, I am quite confident, that if he should walk away from me and actually file for D, I could love again and I will. I am not done being loved or giving love in this life. I know I am not. I am not talking about dating a week after the D is filed, but I do know that my love life is not over.
And yes, as Azzork said, knock out the days one at a time. I am struggling so much lately. Ups and downs, I am in a big down. It is late here in my corner of the world, just another hour or so and I've got one more day knocked out. One more bad day too, so that is good, because you know those can't be avoided but need to be walked through.
Peace to you Ghost.
Ghost
I'm impressed with your turnaround this week. You ARE making progress. It's tough buddy, and you might not notice what is changing about you, but I can see you're a good man who is making a good stab at trying to make this work. We've got your back!
I'm so happy the book is making sense to you. It helped me a lot, too. I was surprised to discover that I really am awful at asking for what I need. I was a manipulator! I would hint, sigh, dance all the way around a subject...for fear of being told "no", I guess.
What is so very wrong with, "Can you take out the trash?"
Too easy, I guess. For me, it was an ordeal:
Me: "Wow. The trash can is really full." Sigh. (Offer to take it out, H.)
H: "Yes, it is." (Here we go again. Why won't she just ask?)
Me: "I'm not sure I can fit anything else in there." (Offer to take the trash out, H.)
H: Sigh. (She needs to ask!) "I think if you push down on the top of the pile, you can make some more room in there."
Me: Huff. Sigh. (Why won't he offer to take it out?) "I pushed it down a while ago. I think it's really full now."
H: (This will get her going.) "Did you use a pan or something, to really smoosh it down?" (Keeps straight face.)
Me: "Screw you, H! I guess I'll be the man around here and take out the trash!"
H: (Like taking candy from a baby. Quiet snicker.) "Ok. You do that."
I learned some good stuff reading that book. I'm so proud of you, G.
The test will be when my wife decides to want to go to live in separate houses
Ghost
Don't fear this. You will surprise yourself with the resolve you have deep down inside.
Yep, NDY has summed this up perfectly. Fear. Once you realise that the world hasn't ended, pick yourself up and be confident. Ghost can become human again!
My W today starts talking about when we will be living apart in different houses
I could,change the world and she would not give a [censored] I could change everything and she would not change her decision
I just never saw things as being so bad
Clearly I was very wrong
Nope, you never see it coming, but you're gonna have to deal with it. Remember; detach and GAL, then you'll see the dynamic change.
I could,change the world and she would not give a [censored] I could change everything and she would not change her decision
That's what we have tried to tell you, Ghost. Do what you want for yourself, instead of doing it for her and thinking it will persuade her mind.
I just never saw things as being so bad
Sure you have! It's been this way for months. Just please do not get off into another spin, based on what she said. I think she's doing it to keep you acting like a puppet dancing around.
The test will be when my wife decides to want to go to live in separate houses
So? Listen, you have made this same statement in the past. It starts you spinning. Don't go there again. Don't talk about your W and what she says. Who cares what she says? You shouldn't.
Please don't start all over again with this mindset. Don't type it all over again. Type something positive about Ghost.
Sandi2
Thank you just re reading the rules is this something you think I should keep doing
Back to reading no more Mr nice guy and codependent no more
just re reading the rules is this something you think I should keep doing
Just rereading them may not be enough. Are you actually doing what they say?
I think you need to stop listening to what your W says about the future. I think you need to stop posting about her. Talk about yourself.
She hasn't changed. You are the one moving forward. We want to hear about you. Talking about her, only upsets you.
Are you reading both those books at the same time? IMHO, you should read one book through to the end, before starting another book. But that's just me. NMMNG is very short.
Since you keep bringing up living in a different house maybe you should make a list of things you will like in a new house/apartment. You keep mentioning how it will be so horrible and if you keep that attitude it will be.
You can make it an awesome thing to look forward to(if it comes to it, since its out of your control) or you can make it a miserable hellhole. Its your choice, W isn't the one who will decide what you make of your life.
Good books to read. I did both also and they are very useful for understanding so many things about who we are and why we acted in the ways we did.
That's a good idea from Fogg. I have been doing that for some weeks, working out costs, sorting out moving etc. It's kind of cathartic.
Yes, I agree about working on the inner resistance to moving. Best to actually start working with that reality and it will become less scary. Fact is, you have little control over this. Your W could up and leave at any point if she chose - it is best if you can work with what is and figure out the best life possible for you if this eventuality comes to pass.
I was,looking at property in snaps arround the area seems,I have a few choices
Stay very local and get next to nothing or move a Couple,of villages outside the area and get so much more for my money
Either way got to start de cluttering my things in this current house
Going to get in touch with some estate agents
One of the things that I have always said was I did this and I did that but I did not do enough of these things
So got to keep working on getting fit working in doing more for me
This weekend I plan to get my accounts much more upto date I have been putting this off of ages so this will be a very big positive
I have made plans for Sunday to spend some time taking my little Lad to climbing
So another night of little sleep
I am spinning wth fear again
I am tying here as I know if I don't I will be sending my W a msg she is working
My marriage is over and it is just a matter if time before my W pulls the trigger on moving and selling up
I realise my daughter who is 17 will choose to live with my W so I will loose both my W and my daughter and somehow I have to come accept this.
My son who is 15 and I are very close but his time is numbered as he too is getting older
I love my family and everything arround me is crumbling I am try's to find positives I strugoe.
I do not want to be on my own this scares me
Fear fear fear
I have made some mistakes and I accept this but it takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two people
I have been a good dad to my children and I have been supportive I may not be the best father and I would not win father of the year award.
I want us all to be a family again together
I have no control
I cannot control this
I do not get to decide
I cannot reason with my W
I cannot bargain with her
I want to talk to her but I have found out this has not worked so here I am
Is there anything like a letter I can write or send to my W as a last resort Letter
She does not want to hear words
My W wnd I chose to get married and we chose to have children we both want to do the best for our children.
I am scared of the long term affects
For 17 years we worked together bringing up the children and she feels I did n do enough I feel I could have done more she feels she has let them down by staying with me a long as she has.
I do not not want to go separate ways
I cannot change the past
I want to work with my W to give the kids the very best future
Actions for my wife not words she needs to see actions
Sorry ghost, I understand that pain and fear you're going through right now. You know the answers to most those questions already so we can skip it. Read your signature again and push through the urge to contact her. The things you fear won't be as bad as you think, if they happen. But letting those fears control you now will likely just contribute to them happening.
Keep going ghost, keep improving you, keep working on you. Let W live her life while you live yours and let things play out.
I work days my W works nights my children three of them go to school and the toddler has just started nursery
My W is working way more than she needs to she is away from the house five nights a week
I do the nursery drop off every morning I am arround for my older children at school drop off
My W picks up the toddler she has her during the day I want to do things with me and her during the day but I am working I have to get the balance work and family I inow things are better than they were when I was working all the time.
I have made changed to how I was I have already started to become a better person
My W is not perfect she makes mistakes she is not always a kind to the children as she could have been she is firm mostly fair
I want to show my W what a new marriage would feel like
I still feel that with little effort things could be so much better
Look in the mirror and make the change
Got to change myself
Time to work on me
Ghost
Actions, not words. The letter won't do anything but make her see you in a feeble light. Somehow, you have to let go of the fear. That's what's stopping you detaching and moving forward.
You are not loosing your D17. You don't know for sure she'll choose to live with her mother. Sometimes, girls will fool ya. Even if she does not live in the house with you, YOU HAVE NOT LOST HER! Please stop that negative thought. She is your daughter, and although like most teens, she's focused on her own personal life and future.....she will still see you. She's almost 18, so she'll be moving on to a new life, anyway. She won't stop seeing her family just b/c she makes a life for herself.
Do not fall back into your self defeating thoughts. This is what feeds your fear. You have to help yourself by refusing to give over to these negative thoughts. Do something else to distract yourself. Listen to a self help tape. Read a book. Call a friend. Get out of the house and drive. Come here and post, like you are doing now. Make positive statements of how you are getting stronger and preparing for your new life.
If it will help you, go ahead and write out a long letter to your wife. Do not write it electronically and take a chance of hitting the send button. Write it out, and then tear it up. Some men have said it is therapeutic.
For 17 years we worked together bringing up the children and she feels I did n do enough I feel I could have done more she feels she has let them down by staying with me a long as she has.
Stop saying what she says or thinks. It will not change the past.
I have no control
I cannot control this
I do not get to decide
You are focusing on the wrong stuff here, Ghost.
You have complete and total control over you.
You have complete and total control over the things you do, the things you say, and the way you feel.
You have complete and total control over your relationships with your children.
There are MANY things which you get to decide.
Start focusing on those things.
So today my W was unhappy with something I had done and it made me think over the past 25 years we have been together we have done things in a certain way and we manged to stay together .so it got me thinking what if I had done things differently what is to say that we would not have split up sooner...she told me I was not there for her in the evenings and did not do enough with the kids....suppose I had given her all the love and affection and every night I had spent the whole evening with her who is to say she would really have been any happier she may have ended things years ago stating that I was too clingy and never gave her any freedom to be her own woman was too crowding
If I had spent more time with her then perhaps my habits and mannerisms would have driven her away sooner
Day by day changing myself to be the best ghost possable
Ghost, you are right, you never know. Nobody knows what is going on in your wife's head, probably not even her. You could have done everything perfectly and still ended up here. But now you know to listen and to be strong and you will do better. Better on your own, better with your next relationship, better with your kids. You will do better now and still you will not know the future. I am proud of you Ghost. You are growing and you are moving forward little by little. I hope you see that.
Pho I can see that I am making some progress how much of this is because we are both still in the same house I do not know
All I know is right now we are like ships passing in the night and I hate the fact that I cannot fix this
I am seeing things a little clearer I just don't want to be on this road
I am reading a book codependent no more and it talks a little bit about the child inside my child is putting up so much resistance
Ghost
Ghost, I've been reading about the inner child too. What was your childhood like?
I've come to realize that mine was really fun because my Dad was a fun drunk, until he suddenly wasn't fun and turned really mean. At that point I'd turn invisible until fun Dad came back. Ironically, that is what I am doing with DB'ing and I think that is where I am stuck. I shouldn't be invisible right now, I should be very very visible. I should be loud, and happy and out there for all to see, instead of hiding on my laptop or crying in my room waiting for my H to "snap out of it." My inner child's coping skill is keeping me stuck right now.
Sorry to hijack your thread. But I am on a roll with this psychological stuff this week. I bet your inner child is a lot like mine. Quiet and not a trouble maker. I would like to see him come out to play.
Pho dito my inner child is defiantly keeping me stuck this and along with being codependent
My childhood,was,not great my dad used to be abusive to my mum and I was always made to fear him
He made me feel small and he would embarrass me he really was not a nice man.
I posted this on another thread and I am starting to understand this...
My W and I were together for 25 years and married for 17 during this time right now she will tell me that all of this was [censored] and she was in the worst marriage Posable ....Sorry this is utter BS,she will believe and think what she thinks right now.
The fact is I could have done things totally different I could have spent every evening with her and who is to say that after five years of being married she would not have turned round to me and said you are crowding me you're not giving me my space I want out the marriage so for us to be together for 25 years we must've done something right she just does not see this.
This is a journey that she is on and I have no control over this and I do need to understand that she is bringing up things that have happened 10 and years ago things that she says she can remember quite clearly and says I said this or I said that
She wants for a better life and she feels that being without me will,give her this
Woke up this morning wanted to post my W did not work so she was at home so did not feel the need to reach out to her by msg
So my daughter just had her birthday seeing all the msgs on facebook wishing herr a happy birthday and my daughter replying just made me think that when my W has her birthday next year she will do the same things and will go out without me for meals drinks and have lots of people make her feel loved
I have learnt of the mistakes that I made and I have changed my whole way of thinking I am changing myself I am a better person and will remain a better person with or without my W
I just want my W back so we are a family for my two year old
She wants to be apart I do not get to decide
I cannot talk to her no point in that time to reset
Ghost
Ghost
It's Sunday - go for a walk. It'll help clear your head. You're so full of fear of the unknown, it's stopping you in your tracks. Tackle the things you can control and stop making out you're some kind of monster. I do hope you've stopped going to the 'battered wives' classes.
You don't realise that she is still controlling you by your inability to switch off from her actions. A WW/WAW will play with your emotions. It's a game. If you don't like the game, stop playing it.
Ghost! You do have a choice. Next time it is one of your children's birthdays, plan your own thing. Start some new "Dad" traditions. With the older kids tailor it to their interests. Take your daughter on a horse trail ride, or a horse show. Take your sons to a concert or sporting event or camping trip. You don't have to compete with their birthday celebrations with Mom, just do your own thing. Something different than what they do with their mom. Go ahead post it on Facebook or even better don't, because you are creating memories and relationships with your kids, that is the important thing. Instead of feeling left out, look at as a chance to do something new. And it could be simple too, as simple as taking them out for a special breakfast. Take pictures, lots of them, be present and not a "ghost."
Do this for Christmas too. A christmas play, ice skating, a visit with Santa, there are endless opportunities, find something that your wife isn't already doing with them and make it a new "Dad" tradition. If you and your W end up reconciling, keep it up. Your kids need that special bond with you. Don't leave all of the memory making to your W.
Thank you pho
I am in house with my W and so long as we are nare t talking about the r lotions hip then we get along ...but what do I talk to her about
Yesterday I asked if we could have a chat about how things are going and it blew us in my face
All I want to do is try and make things better but she stone walls me and says this is as good as it gets
Talking does not help ...I just feel the less we talk the less she will want to do this in house cohabiting
Ghost
Ghost - initiating R talks at this stage is never going to go well! You know that!!
Ghost I said I would have a look at your sitch and try to reply. You liked my outcome, even though it wasn't the original planned hope back when.
How did I get there? It took a lot of hard work, a lot of great people on this forum and me changing myself.
It was probably about 15 months or so before I really got the whole thing. I cried often for many, many months from BD. I tried so many wrong things and so many right things that just didn't work.
In the end nothing was going to change the W.
So what do you need to do?
Positive, positive and more positive. You cannot change another person. It takes a while to really understand this.
While doing this, you need to get out and GAL. Get your mind of the negative talks and thoughts.
Enjoy time with the kids. That do accept the change. It doesn't mean they like the change, but like us, they end up accepting it.
My two boys were a struggle for me. It always felt like I was in the wrong with the separation. That I was blamed for it all. It wasn't until a few months ago (more than two years after BD) that the ex wife advised she struggled with talking to the boys and one time she felt that it was best for her not to contact them for a while.
Here I was thinking that she was getting all their attention. When in reality, I was having good phone calls weekly, visiting one of them playing indoor soccer every week, the other son rang me asking to help with car repairs etc.
Both boys have been positive over my engagement and soon to be wedding.
It just shows you with think the negative about our kids, but really there is a lot of positives about them.
Work on you Ghost, because at the end of the day, we are with ourselves for the rest of our lives. I want to be with a nice(r) person than what I was. What about you Ghost?
Ghost - initiating R talks at this stage is never going to go well! You know that!!
I was not trying to initiate a relationship talk I just wanted to try and get some conversation from her
I just need to stfu
Hotwheelsaust
Thank you for stopping by
Reading your msg has cheered me up
Thank you
Ghost
There is a future
Thank you pho
I am in house with my W and so long as we are nare t talking about the r lotions hip then we get along ...but what do I talk to her about
Yesterday I asked if we could have a chat about how things are going and it blew us in my face
All I want to do is try and make things better but she stone walls me and says this is as good as it gets
Talking does not help ...I just feel the less we talk the less she will want to do this in house cohabiting
Ghost
Ghost, I did the same thing this weekend, had a "talk" with H and it turns out he believes I have borderline personality disorder and he is working on "recovering from 25 years of emotional abuse from me." Sound familiar? I am feeling like I was punched in the gut, and I know better than to initiate a conversation. I am so upset, mostly with myself because I knew better. I also can see for the first time since BD that maybe, just maybe, I really would be better off without him. Not- ok if he leaves me I will pull through and not let it destroy me- but actually, "this might really be the best thing in the long run." So maybe that is the positive thing that can come out of talking, maybe the awfulness of it all can help with detachment.
Sorry you are suffering Ghost. You are not alone. You are stronger than you think.
Yesterday I asked if we could have a chat about how things are going and it blew us in my face
All I want to do is try and make things better but she stone walls me and says this is as good as it gets
Talking does not help ...I just feel the less we talk the less she will want to do this in house cohabiting
Come on, man. What does that even mean? "How things are going".....How is that anything BUT an R talk?
YOU
CANT
FIX
THIS
Yesterday I asked if we could have a chat about how things are going and it blew us in my face
All I want to do is try and make things better but she stone walls me and says this is as good as it gets
Talking does not help ...I just feel the less we talk the less she will want to do this in house cohabiting
Come on, man. What does that even mean? "How things are going".....How is that anything BUT an R talk?
YOU
CANT
FIX
THIS
^^^^^^^ What AZ said!
Ghost. . What do you mean, you wanted to talk about "how things are going?"
-- how things are going in the middle east?
--how things are going on your favourite TV show?
-- how things are going with your kids' grades?
Or
How things are going between the two of you?
Three of those are NOT relationship talks. One of them is. Does that make sense to you?
Oh oh, we've been here before pal and I thought we wouldn't go here again? I know the hurt that is coursing through you right now, we all do, but this isn't going to help.
Azzork has been blunt and to the point. You need to here this from us. Look, we've all got your back (we wouldn't be here if we didn't), but there has got to be some meaningful self help to carry on. Your kids need this, you need this.
Ghost, the only way through this is to work on yourself. It's hard, but it's the only way. We've all had a backslide, but there will come a day, an erasmus moment, when you will see talking and hoping aren't getting you anywhere. Your W has gone off to somewhere, so where's Ghost going to go? I'll say it again, do you want your wife to see a lettuce leaf or do you want her to see a giant oak? It's up to you, but the path you're on now is a dead end.
Ghost, you still let your fear control your actions. You think trying to have good conversations with her now is going to make her want cohabitation when really it will make her want to sell the house sooner so you get the idea it's over. You see how the fear controlling you is contributing to it happening?
I'm sorry, I know how hard this is but let go of trying to make things more pleasant between you both. Your just delaying the work both of you need to do, the work that might actually contribute to you two comming back together.
Fogg, if I may leap in, I must say wow. Your statements to Ghost could have been directed at me...
you still let your fear control your actions.
I am afraid that I am so guilty of this. I am beginning to see the a lightening of the darkness otherwise known as fear, but it has been such a long and hard journey. I still have a long way to go, but one foot is in front of the other!
Ghost, I have to agree with all of the above people. My W would have a conversation (we would only talk/text/see every few months) and I would try to make it as positive as possible. It meant nothing.
Even after having a request from the W to have lunch, after 6 months of no contact, it was just for her to get info. What are you up to? How is work?
More than likely she knew I was in a relationship then, the divorce paperwork was nearly finished and I was no longer contacting her. She didn't want to renew our relationship, she simply wanted to know why I was so god damn happy and not chasing her.
Time to think of others before myself
Time to think of my children
Time to let go and drop that [censored] rope
Thank you all
You are really helping me to come to terms with this
Small steps
Thank you
Ghost
Ok so a much calmer day
I have been spinning for a few weeks it seems after each time I am spinning I get a little loser to gaining the strength to drop the rope and let go of what is happening.
It is my fear of what will happen that is hurting the most not the actual
So I fear my W not being there but for 5 nights a week she is out working nights and she has already left me so my fear of being in my own house may be worse than actually being alone in my own house
Today I had the thought that the day before the bomb my W would txt me saying love you and she would msg me during the day asking how my day was ...since bomb day she wil not ask how my day is going like a switch has been clicked
I suppose I should not ask for anything it is just so sad how a marriage of 17 years can go this way
I agree Ghost, it is very sad. It is heartbreaking.
Ghost, your W is planning to leave after the holidays, right? My H is leaving in Jan. So here is a conversation I can see us having in, maybe not January, but lets say February.
Ghost "I cannot believe how much I feared being alone, this is awesome! I don't have to watch W get all dressed up to go out at night, I feel so free, I can practice my new dance moves in the living room all night long in my knickers (see I am trying for the British word here) without a care in the world. "
Pho "I understand Ghost! I had friends over last night and we laughed so hard, I just realized that I can't laugh in H's presence because he thinks my jokes are stupid, and also I realized that I am sleeping so much better because I am not in a constant state of sexual frustration wondering when if ever he will put out. Out of sight, out of mind! And, even better, I have a hot new boyfriend ..... (OK wipe out that last part)."
Ghost, meet me back on this forum in a few months and see if I am right. We might be surprised at how much less stressful it is without our waywards underfoot calling us abusers.
Ah, you would only say knickers here in the UK if it were a woman. For Ghost we'll have to say underpants
Ghost... How is the exercise program going?
Ah, you would only say knickers here in the UK if it were a woman. For Ghost we'll have to say underpants
LOL! I have no clue!
Ghost, I am sorry I said you wear knickers!
lol it's,ok,
But yes it is pants I kmow,in the usa the meening is very different lol
Been going to the gym get to it about twice a week need to try and double that
Still,loosing weight ..eating carefully
Snacking on nuts and raisens rather than Chris's and have cutback a lot on the fzzy frisks tbh I have been so tired that the caffeine is a bit of a pick me up when I am working so have been drinking a few
Pho
Thank you for sticking with me you reallŷ are my inspiration
Thank you
Ghost
I need to think up a new nick name any ideas
Fear=lack of progress.
Let go of the fear and the rest will flow naturally.
My days are so much the same
Get up get the kids dressed and breakfast
W comes home from night shift takes daughter to her horse
I take toddler to nursery
I get home from toddlers and W is now sleeping
I spend about 1 HR doing work house work or watching tv then I go to work
I get home at 4. To 4 30 then one of us takes son to his tennis
The other stays at home with the other children and or takes daughter to her horse
I get in at 7 pm just as W is getting in the bath and get ready for work
W goes off to work and I get to look after the children bath time and bed time for the toddler and try to make sure the big ones have done homework and had bath and then I will try to help agai with some more housework
And this is my life ....so my question even if I wanted to try and work on us ...work on our marriage even if I wanted to make our relationship better and she is not willing to put in the time when would I be able to do this.....
I remember when I was working all hrs and I was not about in the mornings and I expected my W to manage ...I really do not know how this could ever work .
Hi I Just need a little advice
As per my post above life has become very mundane.
My W seems to have no interest in working on the marriage she works sleeps and spends time with the kids
Every day is just the same another day of the Same things over and over
We live and live a simple life with little to no excitement how do I work on trying to make things better ...what is better how do I get excitement back and if I get it back is this even something she wants
Feeling lost as tho nothing will fix this i feel getting more distant this is not what I want
Ghost,
you are cycling back and we are rehashing same old issues.
YOU CAN'T MAKE IT BETTER, YOU CAN ONLY MAKE YOU BETTER!
GAL - remember that phrase? Go get a life. Life is as mundane as you make it. Join a new club, join a group, gym, go khiking, go for walks, go see a movie, go somewhere local you have not been yet. Call someone from a long time ago. What does Ghost want to do? What does Ghost desire. And do not say your W or R with W back. You are your own person and do not let yourself be defined as a spouse of W or a father of 4.
And get off the self pity train. No, life does not owe you, no you are not a poor soul that was buried under circumstances, no, the world does not hold a grudge against you and no, everybody is not out to get you.
SO GET OFF YOUR ASS AND START MOVING. Just take a small step for starters. First step is the hardest. I t gets better once you catch some momentum.
Vapo
Vapo thank you
Sorry i was spinning .....i can only work on me and hope that that has the affect of influencing the outcome I cannot make her change he mind
So my outcome is to stay together but I know I have limited control over this
I do not want to divorce so I will not initiate it nor will I suggest it ...the same comes to selling I do not want to sell so I will not be the one to put the house on the market.
I will work in myself ......I'm going to buy a guitar and learn to play the guitar !
^^^last post was good, more of that and less spinning over fear of the unknown. And yes, that fear of living alone is so much worse than actually living alone. Trust me on this, I felt the exact same way for a long time.
The only chance you have to make it better is to stop trying to make the M better and let go. As weird as that sounds as long as you cling to it and fear the outcome your not helping the situation.
Now what else can you do alone or with the kids to not make the days so mundane? This is your life, live it.
Ghost "I cannot believe how much I feared being alone, this is awesome! I don't have to watch W get all dressed up to go out at night, I feel so free, I can practice my new dance moves in the living room all night long in my knickers (see I am trying for the British word here) without a care in the world. "
Pho "I understand Ghost! I had friends over last night and we laughed so hard, I just realized that I can't laugh in H's presence because he thinks my jokes are stupid, and also I realized that I am sleeping so much better because I am not in a constant state of sexual frustration wondering when if ever he will put out. Out of sight, out of mind! And, even better, I have a hot new boyfriend ..... (OK wipe out that last part)."
Thanks Ghost and pho for sharing this. I'm adding my chuckle to today's gratitude list.
Hey Ghost,
You said in your last post that you will not be putting the house on the market. I too am in a sitch where my wife will be wanting to sell the house. How are you able to stop the sale of the house?
I am not able to stop it but I will not do it myself she can do the donkey work if and when she wants it sold
Well, that's not quite right bud. If it's in both your names, you both have to agree to sign the documents to start the selling process, so, in affect, you can stop it. The matter of if you could afford the house on your own, should your W decide to go, is only something you can decide.
But if you do decide to sell, let her do all the work.
Ghost, it might be hard to sell a house if there is a bald guy wearing knickers dancing in the living room every time someone comes to look.
Call it dancing baby Pt 2
Ghost, it might be hard to sell a house if there is a bald guy wearing knickers dancing in the living room every time someone comes to look.
Ok I have just almost wet myself laughing !!!!! I would say a bald man wearing my wife's knickers would attract a little more attention
Pho thank you you have put a very large smile on my face
I was actually scared to live alone Ghost. I didnt know what i would do without my wife and my daughters. It has been 10 weeks and 4 days that i havent seen them. As crazy at it sounds , ive never felt better. I feel energized , i like coming home, i do whatever i want come as late as i want. IT'S AWESOME! All though i cant wait until i see my daughters , court should be next week :)))
You can do it! One of the greatest discoveries a man makes is finding out he can do what he most feared.
yea ghost... things happened so quickly with me I didn't even have the chance to worry about living alone. It doesn't bother me. I get to do what I want, when I want. I can buy ice cream with chunky stuff in it and haven't watch any reality TV in 4 months!
G
I'd like to share a little of my story with you if I may?
Last year after BD1 I did the whole r talks and doing nice thing for her etc and she keep pulling the rope. At that time I was just like you. Spinning like a maniac, unable to concentrate, not sleeping or eating etc. You know what I mean.
Then I got BD2 when my ExW admitted she was sleeping with OM. And she volunteered this information. I broke. I was at the lowest point in my life. Lower than you are right now.
I left and stayed with family for months. I was probably sleeping between 2 and 3 hours a night and not eating enough to feed a cat. But my family pulled me through. And I don't just mean my blood family, I mean my DB family.
The hero's here on this forum helped me come to terms with what was happening but more importantly they taught me to work on me.
I followed their advice and moved back home. That my friend was hard but I did what the guys here advised and did it anyway. I was losing the fear now. She was losing her control.
All this time I feared everything you are scared of as well. Especially the living alone part. Then she left.
And the thing is at first is sucked. Then over time my confidence grew. I was taking care of the place. Bills were paid and S10 was looked after.
Next week I move into my own place. The M house is sold and Ex and I have very little interaction.
I'm looking forward to this move. It's a new beginning. A new chapter if you will because I know it's going to be fantastic. And the only reason I believe that is because of the guys on here.
It's hard to let go of the fear. I get that but once you do I'm willing to bet things change rapidly for you.
Peace.
Thank you all for your posts they really do give me strength
I will be ok when it comes to this
Thank you
Ghost
Ding! Lightbulb moment. You will be fine at the end of this. Stronger, fitter, confident - you've just got to get the rope dropping correct.
Well another week goes by and things are still the same just have to keep with the no expectations
I still find it incredibly sad that I would do anything save the marriage make as many changes as is required and that my W is still totally done
I am still stunned it has got to this
Your still taking this personal ghost. There was a point in time that the dysfunction (caused by the bother of you) contributed to the M breakdown. Before and during that time changes in either of you may have made things better. The point your at now is now longer about that, it's about her and only her. She has her own issues to work on and regardless of how great you do it may have no effect on her coming back. You doing everything good and living your life can attract her back, but she will still need to follow her own path and work on her before those mean anything.
Keep doing you and one day it's possible she will see what she thinks she will get from this new life isn't what she expected. Then when she looks back at you and the M she could have she will realize she left what she always wanted and may return. If that does happen it won't be anytime soon.
I just read this story Ghost in A View On Buddhism. I think you could get something from it. While reading the story think of yourself as the good friend and your wife as the worm.
There is a wonderful little story about two monks who lived together in a monastery for many years; they were great friends. Then they died within a few months of one another. One of them got reborn in the heaven realms, the other monk got reborn as a worm in a dung pile. The one up in the heaven realms was having a wonderful time, enjoying all the heavenly pleasures. But he started thinking about his friend, "I wonder where my old mate has gone?" So he scanned all of the heaven realms, but could not find a trace of his friend. Then he scanned the realm of human beings, but he could not see any trace of his friend there, so he looked in the realm of animals and then of insects. Finally he found him, reborn as a worm in a dung pile... Wow! He thought: "I am going to help my friend. I am going to go down there to that dung pile and take him up to the heavenly realm so he too can enjoy the heavenly pleasures and bliss of living in these wonderful realms."
So he went down to the dung pile and called his mate. And the little worm wriggled out and said: "Who are you?", "I am your friend. We used to be monks together in a past life, and I have come up to take you to the heaven realms where life is wonderful and blissful." But the worm said: "Go away, get lost!" "But I am your friend, and I live in the heaven realms," and he described the heaven realms to him. But the worm said: "No thank you, I am quite happy here in my dung pile. Please go away." Then the heavenly being thought: "Well if I could only just grab hold of him and take him up to the heaven realms, he could see for himself." So he grabbed hold of the worm and started tugging at him; and the harder he tugged, the harder that worm clung to his pile of dung.
Do you get the moral of the story? How many of us are attached to our pile of dung?
Me! I am firmly attached to my pile of dung! Without a doubt. Thank you Mutatio!
That makes interesting reading
All I can do is focus on me be the best ghost
Some days are easier than others
Fogg mutatio thank you for your comments
Time for a new thread
Thanks
Ghost